Morning Good - You're The Guy? - Episode 322

Episode Date: July 13, 2026

Charles Engle and Zach Russell join the show for today's episode. They talk about Shrodinger's Incest Theory, the Sky King, and Michael's ghost stories.Thanks to Charles for coming on the show for the first time and to Zach for coming back on. You can find Zach on previous episodes of the show, and for more from both of these very funny comics hit their links down below. Zach is on Instagram @zachrussellcomedy and has a special coming soon, so follow him to stay informed about that. Charles is on Instagram @charles_engle and is headlining Helium in Indianapolis this weekend, so make sure to get tickets if you're in Indiana. As always, find Michael Good on Instagram @michaelgoodcomedy and on Twitter @agoodmichael. Check out the show on YouTube and follow the official Instagram page @morninggoodpodcast

Thanks for the F Shack. I love dirty mic and the boys. Hey, are you dirty mic and the boys? How you know who we are? What's this? They called the podcast? Morning, good, good. Oh, I love it.

Hey, welcome to the air. Thanks. Welcome to morning. All right. All right, we're here with Charles Zangle. Hey. And Zach Russell. Hey, but no, it's like COVID.

And it was like, dude, I was fucking. By the way, we'll edit out anything if you want to edit out. We'll just. I got it out what I talked about with this show. Yeah. Oh yeah. That wasn't even, that was just on the... Can you edit this out right here?

But, uh, no, so like fucking, uh, yeah, dude, it was like COVID. It was like, Florida started comedy early, like a week after lockdown. So to Arizona. Yeah, dude. It was like, do not put me on the flyer, but I'll fucking... Yeah, I did. I was doing the same thing. I was doing comedy like every night.

Yeah, yeah. It felt so... Mystery headliner shows every day. It was like the most I've ever been booked. It's COVID. Yeah, because it was like... I don't know if you that I feel like, too. it was like, I would go up like two or three times a week,

and I'd be like, I'm the hardest working comedian in America. And I just get fucked up on a boat. Like, the other like three days of the week, and that's what it is. But it was crazy because, like, this guy was running these shows on the side of his house, and Pablo Francisco's opener, it's name Alex U. Like, hadn't done...

Oh, dude. I don't know. I just had both and was sitting cross-legged. Yeah, I have... I got the Vilos right here. All right, sorry. Alex U. Yeah, this guy just like, I hadn't done comedy in probably, like, three months.

And I was probably like two and a half years in. So I was not... I had the confidence of every joke and then we just forget my punchlines. And this guy, I would be like, and then... What's that, sir? Where does this go? Like, I was like, and this dude just, like, murdered in, like,

nobody's been on stage in, like, like, two or three months and then just killed. And then, like, people were, like, falling out of their, like, lawn chairs. And you're like, damn. Because of the COVID. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they were dying of that, yeah. But, yeah, it was fucking crazy.

It was just like... Now it's like, I feel like if I took a month off I don't think I would be as... Yeah, right now, I'm not on stage a ton, but you're like, oh, still, I'm not gonna tank. You just, you walk away like, eh, you know, I wish I was on stage more. But you still know how to do it.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I've never fully... That is when I worry about Masters Square Garden. I'm like, what if I just get up there and just forget how to do stand-up? Like, that's actually never happened. And that happened to me when I was, yeah,

when I was like too... It happened to me further in than I thought it would happen to me, but I did the setup, and it was a big, like... So I've been thinking about this recently. and I totally blanked on what it was and then I just went I'm really I forgot what I was going to say and then I just moved on and it was really weird

That's funny Yeah but I was like three years in Yeah Which the jokes aren't great three years in But at least you do have a handle on them Yeah yeah I couldn't even remember it I did a thing where it's like a first show at the Tempe Improv Like one of the bigger clubs in town like

With all my buddies and like everybody from high school That I went like the big like Oh Chuck's like hosting this the club. And it was just like a showcase with my buddies. And I was so nervous. I had like the like where you're like, I got to look good and you wear something that's not your. I was like a DDB. A watch, gelled hair. And then a bombed and then forgot my closer. And halfway through, I went, because my tongue got so dry. And I'm like, just like clothes with cat tongue. And I went, man, we got a great show, guys. To everybody that's ever known me in my life. Dude, those are the best... What they say?

Of course, people texted me, wow, you were born to do this. I was like, oh my God, I think I'm going to kill myself. I could never. Dude, it's the funniest because, like, there's always the image

of how the show is never the one you think. Always the one you're like, dude, this is where all the people are at. It's going to be great. And then you just fuck it. Bomb. Yeah, and it's always like, when you're like,

I feel like it's happened if somebody big is on the show and you're like looking forward to it. Like when you're first, you're like, dude, this guy's on here. He's going to see my set. It's going to be good.

And you walk offstage and he doesn't even. He doesn't even talk to you all weekend. He just goes, how were they? Yeah. He just goes, how were they? Yeah. Yeah, I bought my way out. Follow that.

Dude, one time I, this is, during COVID, I hosted for Chris DeStefano. And I know, weeks before that I, like, posted for Paul Verzi. Because all the New York guys were coming to Arizona, too, but they didn't want it to. So I got to work with all, like, the bigger New York guys. And Paul Verzi was like, how's DeStefano? And I was like, ah, man, I had to be in, like, a separate green room and stuff like that and he's like what and I was like it's fine it's fine segregated green room yeah by talent it's a dark room with a milk crate you get under the milk crate

you get no food there's like just a hose with running water yeah there's your two drinks and I mentioned like ah man I love chris he just we're just not talking and then Paul hit me up the next day like I told Chris to talk to you man I was like no it's so embarrassing no the only thing that changed. Don't worry. I told the principal. This wasn't cool. Yeah. And then the only thing that changed, I'm sure he made fun of me, Chris made fun of me for, but the one thing that Indie goes in between me introduce it, the handshake, he goes, you're doing a good job, man. And I was like, oh my God, that's humiliating. He gave me like a fucking, you had a guy talk to me, bitch. Yeah. Wow. That's brutal. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Paul did's fucked up. But also,

why was he having you in a separate green room? Well, House of Comedy was. He seems like a nice guy. No, at the time, House of Comedy's green room. it was the employee locker room. It was like as wide as this camera. It's like that movie. What's that movie about stand up where they have lockers? It's like a Tom Hanks movie where he does stand up. Terminal.

The comedy club has lockers after the show. They're all like changing the locker. It was similar to that. So I think it was just that it was COVID because Chris brought a whole crew. So I think it was like, all right, we don't know this guy. It's COVID. Like I think it was pretty more. It's COVID.

Yeah. It was back in those where it's like, if they don't know you, like, ah. That's funny in a, in a non-COVID world explaining that. You're like,

wow, this guy's a huge asshole. Comics still, I've worked with plenty of comics that do that. Really? They love is blind you with the green room?

Yeah, they go, you don't go in there. And I'm like, what? Well, it's so funny too because, like,

I get the concept of like, you know, I got to be in my show. He can jerk off in front of me if that's what he wants. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

that's, I'm down. Yeah, I, uh, would you, this is a funny one. Would you

fuck a guy for a Netflix? Like, I would fuck a Netflix executive to get an hour long special on Netflix. How long do I have to

fuck? Like, give me some details. Until you come. You would have to. You have to get in the zone. Yeah. You'd really be like,

wow, I have to come. Yeah. I think that's gonna be a while. I would do it, man. People are just like, oh,

you know, it's like, how much do you care about your shit? Yeah, I mean, if you get a Netflix special, you can be booked

anywhere, right? Yeah, realistically, like, Oh, yeah. Yeah, do it. Take five blue chews and... No, I have to be...

I think a blue chew only works if you get in the mood. You'd have to take Viagra. Not blue chew gold. Blue Chew Gold. I tried to look up... I've been listening to a lot of podcast ads and Blue Chewold's supposed to help your mind.

I looked up Blue Chewold the other day. It's really expensive. I bet it's also fake. No, my buddy's on gold. He has E.D. more than anybody of my life. Who, Emmy? What?

Emis? Oh, I thought you were spelling out me. Ha ha ha. I was like, nice. No, so the guests don't know. The guests are all animals. They're all babies. Yeah, they can't spell.

Who was that? They go on Reddit. Who was? M-Y-D-C-K? Mike? I don't know what it is. Is someone I know? Which is Arizona friend.

This is Arizona friend. Well, I like, so Blue Choo is Viagra. So it's either Viagra or Seattle. But I didn't realize, so everybody's been bragging about the honey packet. So you got to get the honey packet from bodega. And I was like, I've heard about this. I'm like, this is bowl. I haven't heard about it.

I'm like, it lets you fuck bees. Yeah. Oh, nice. Yeah. It shrinks does the opposite. Shrinks your penis. Honey,

I shrunk my dick. It's an ant man style. Yeah. It's like Antman. The B movie's Antman, but it just shrinks his dick down to the B size. That'd be fun for me because I like, it'd be fun for you.

So, like, I've had like, I've matched women on a field before, and I would do it just in the fantasy land. And they'd be like, send a dick pick. And I'd purposely send like a very,

small angle of my dick. To get berated. Do you like the, is you, I like a confident woman for, I think it's because I grew up with a lot of strong, angry Italian women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But your mom's not on the table.

So you got to find somebody else. Well, she is. Yeah. She's in the one in the dishwasher right now. Yeah. I mean, she's stuck. She's stuck. Dude, somebody, brother,

this is a Schrodinger's incest. Have you heard this theory? No. They were like, Like, trying to debate the, uh, the, uh, morality of a two basically twins that are not identical, males, they're separated at birth and they meet later. So it's only, I don't think incest counts if you're gay. That's my progressive take.

Because you can't get them pregnant. The whole thing with incest is, is people don't want you to create a genetic abomination. Yeah. And gay guys can't do that. Well, but isn't incest still like the relationship? and the sexual act. Whatever that, that's what you're talking about. Yeah, but I think it's illegal

because of the genetic abams. It seems illegal, but not like super illegal. Yeah, I think it's kind of like jaywalking. They're like, police yourselves, we don't want to get involved. Yeah. If you're committing another crime while you're doing incidents,

then we'll pull you over. They're coming around. You guys aren't still fucking over here. If you're speeding up. Yeah. We get a domestic violence call and is it your sister slash wife? Yeah.

If you're fucking your sister outside with an open container then you can yeah you gotta watch out oh but let the sister think go we'll get you for the beer yeah it's you were polite you know you seem like a good guy yeah you had your dog beer goggles

you're a good brother yeah yeah I I matched with twins one time on field guys guys those two girls yeah they were twins not identical twins well and that's in my head but then randomly I was in a weird

OCD headspace where I was like this is wrong and you you shouldn't do it. And you're a piece of shit if you bang these twins. And then later I started talking to like, people were like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Why did you not do it? Yeah. Because they were like, we eat each other's poosies. And I'm like, that's it's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's nuts.

I mean, twins are way closer though. Girls and twins. Like girls. Girls are close. So, yeah. But the pussy, that's insane. I mean, but there, you know that if it was happening,

you'd be like, this is sick. Obviously, you'd be like, oh, man, this is sick. This is disturbing. Yeah.

Sick to sick. Because I thought of the thing. Yeah, that's when the postnut clarity would really hit you. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a thing. What have I done? Yeah. Which, it's sick and.

Yeah, disturbing. The doctor's like, what's the Schrodinger's incest thing, though? It's like, yeah, so two male, like, that's, so they basically don't know. It's only incest when they find out because. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Yeah, because in theory, it's like they're not. It's only incest until you have a winged child.

Yeah. Yeah, then it's, that's kind of the big problem with it. And also, I mean, it's your, but if you grew up at separate houses, then it's... Yeah, no, I think that's fine. If you just don't know, like a sister-sister thing? Yeah, yeah, Tamara. Yeah. Like, if T.N. You know, there was...

This is not that, but it is an interesting story. There was a couple that were dating in high school that I still know now that are not a couple, but they were dating, and then their parents got married. And then they were still fucking... I mean, they were hot people, so it's like, but it's like... Like, yeah, we're not going to, like, they're not going to date, but we're going to keep fucking. Yeah, of course. Yeah.

Yeah. We got married into the incest. Yeah. You got grand. Yeah. It's crazy. But I was like, I know. Everybody in school was like, yeah.

I mean. Yeah. And they lived on my block. And like, so we would, we, we walk home. And sometimes I would just be like a little bit behind them. And I would see them like kiss. I'm like, oh. Yeah.

It's crazy. Leaphole. Yeah. What is it? Stepbrothered in, not grandfather. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

that's such a dick move on the dad's part because he's just fuck it up your pussy for I know there's more than that yeah thinking that but you're like that's so fucking because at some point they got like they had to be like I want to fuck you so bad yeah I don't care that my yeah yeah yeah yeah well and maybe it was a good move for the dad because maybe the dude got out of the what are we question yeah yeah yeah I'll tell you what we are we're in PJs on Christmas morning yeah that's what we are at the dinner table baby yeah sorry That's so funny for the dad to be like, dude, this is going to be sick for both of us. Yeah.

The dad's like, those things attached for you. You got the right idea with this family, son. I think I'm going to follow in your footsteps. I think it'd be so cool to wake up in the same house and then right across the hallway. She's like, you want to? I'm like, yep, right now. Let's bang.

Oh, yeah. I mean. Put some, uh, tautinos in the oven after. Sit down. Watch Friday of 13. Play some trouble. Yeah. Get some monopoly going.

Yeah. So guess who? Dude, yeah. That is nice in the theory because you're spending family time. I have to separate it when I go back to Orlando I'm like, all right, I'm going to go out and go out to get some pussy tonight

or I'm going to hang out my family and being able to just drag it up. Or you strike out at the bars and you're like, all right, well. Yeah, got something at home. It's fine. Yeah. We've got groceries in the fridge.

Yeah, I guess I'll just beg my step sister. Again, you get turned down at the bar. You're like, I got one of these at home. It doesn't even matter. Yeah, and there's got to be a feeling where you're like, this is so fucked up that it's got to be like a rush, I assume, too. Maybe.

I get a rush, like, that is, I chase that dopamine in a sense of, like, uh, when I'm really broke, like if I have like $100, that I am spending that money, like, I'll go to a bodega and then end up spending like 30. Like I'll be like, I'll get a water. And then the rush of like, oh my fucking, what am I doing? Yeah. I get high off of that because I'm like, you're fucking crazy. Like, you're so fucked right now.

You do like asphyxiation with your money. Yeah. Get as close to the edge. Yeah. As close to an overdraft as possible. Yeah. we're in this, I'm the same fucking way. And it's like, because I've had negative $10,

I put everything into context of negative $10. I'm like, if I have 50 bucks, I'm like, dude, that's so far from negative 10. Yeah. That's exactly what I have, I have these things where it's like, I've been broke my whole, so it's like, not like poor, but you just live broke for so long. Money's different.

Like, if I have $1,000, I'm like, well, at least I'm rich. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a thousand, like, if I have $2,000, like, I'm like, well, I'm fucking set. Like, I'm done. And I just blow Well, at least I can flee the country and start a new life. Yeah, literally.

If anything happens. I never, nobody's seeing me again. That's how I feel exactly. I'm buying a one-way ticket to Thailand and then never coming back because I don't realize how money works. Yeah. We'll have enough money to come back. Has anybody, I bet, I wonder if I know anybody who's done that on a trip and then just stay, like, because they could not get their way back. That almost happened me in Florida.

I missed my flight. I was drunk at the airport and it was like, I missed it by like, they were like, you missed it by three minutes. I'm like, don't even tell me. like July. And I'm just hammered and I kept doing like the like I'm going to talk

to the next person like I'm going to talk to the next person and they sent me to some guy who just has AirPods in and like I'm pretty sure he had like a traffic vest

on it. That's awesome. He's outside. And I'm just like I'm like I can't afford to get back just I need to go there to work and just let me on the plane and they're like

no. They're like all right man. Yeah yeah. Hang on to the wing. We'll get you in the bottom. I put you in a suitcase. One time I thought I was really late to a flight and I ran up. I think I told you this story.

I don't think you've heard this. I ran up and I was actually early, but I didn't know that. And it was like the wrong, I was looking at the wrong gate. So I ran onto the jet bridge. Like no one was even checking anybody yet, but the plane was there. So I assumed everyone was already on the plane. So I run up there and I'm like next to the jet bridge controls. I'm like, where is everybody?

The plane's empty? So everyone's really late. And flight attendant comes up to me. She's like, you cannot be here. And I was like, what do you mean? And they hadn't called boarding or anything. So I just basically boarded a plane. Wow.

Yeah. But nothing happened. That's crazy. I could have taken off. I could have done a few barrel rolls and set this thing down. Yeah. Yeah, it could have been the sky prints. I showed that to my roommate the other day thinking he would think it was so sick and then he just got so sad.

Do you guys think if you made it into a cockpit, you could figure out he didn't even take off? I have no. I have no. I would immediately die. handle down. I mean, that's what it looks like they do on all the TikTok, you know, POVs, is that they're just like... I'd probably pull up a YouTube tutorial and just have it in...

On the little suction cup that they all on. The suction up for Google Maps. You actually walk in the cop and see the pilot with a fucking how-to. Where we going, Maine? We'll be... I don't know. Just put in the city. Yeah.

We'll be in the general area. Yeah. I don't know. There's airports around. Yeah. Well, like, the people that don't know, the SkyKigs is guy who was, he was an air traffic controller, right? He doesn't know the Sky King.

I think so. He was ATC? Oh, that kind of makes sense how he could do it. Yeah, so he's air traffic controller, watch some videos, never flown a plane, jacked a plane. They flew around the mountains, right? He, like, went through, like, the mountains of wherever was Maine or something. I think it was near Mount Rainier. I thought it was Washington.

I got to be wrong. Yeah, I think it's West Coast. That makes sense. It seems like there's a lot of just lost people there. Oh, yeah. Well, a guy in Washington, who's an air traffic controller, it's a depressing life. Yeah. It's just gray.

I mean, it's just gray a lot. Their lives are so stressful. Yeah, it's true. And there's a lot of, because I think it was there because there's a lot of little islands around there. And I think that's where he nosedived is like one random island. Yeah, because he did a crazy, apparently some maneuver that's like, he did a barrel roll and some like back with people. Like, I don't know how he did it, but he fucking pulled off. Like a 747.

Yeah. I would try if I was him to jump out of the plane right before it crashed. Oh, yeah. But he wanted to die. it's probably still reliably die that way yeah and then if he didn't die

I'd be like all right I guess someone is looking out from me yeah now I gotta find my purpose like the golden gay bridge guy who jumped what did he end up doing

what did he with his life I should get the air moving because it's fucking sweating here sure say the golden gay bridge I think there was a golden gay bridge guy I'm confusing it with a Pete Holmes have that joke with the otter saved him

yeah I don't remember if this is I don't know if the otter was the That was Jeffrey Epstein, right? He went on to become Jeffrey Epstein. I finally know what I must do. You'll hear about the one suicide attempt. You don't hear about it. Yeah, that otter is sent by the devil, actually.

Turns out, not God. Wait, so where was the auditing? I don't know about the, let's say the otter wasn't there, because I'm confusing it with the P. Holmes joke, but maybe. But there's a guy who jumped the Golden Gate Bridge, and he survived. And he's like, well, now I know that I must, like, talk and spread the world. He says as soon as you jump, you're immediately like, fuck! Yeah.

No. Yeah, that's why guns are like brutal for that because it's like there's no. But or, oh, dude, or you're one of those guys like blows off half his face and then you're like alive. Yeah. Yeah. Those guys. It's shocked really easy to shoot yourself through the mouth and not kill yourself. Yeah.

Like Fight Club. Like you can just go through the back. Like out your jaw. Totally miss your whole brain. Wait, what was that in Fight Club? Well, in Fight Club, that's just how it. Spoiler. He tries to kill himself by shooting himself in the mouth.

And it just kind of goes through his mouth. but it doesn't kill him. I don't remember that part. It's at the end. You remember this? I don't remember this at all. Well, he shoots Brad Pitt out of his head. Isn't it in the end all the buildings crashing?

He also shoots himself, yeah. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. For me, it's so weird, it's like I've had a lot of friends kill himself, and I can't grasp it. Do you think it's you? Yeah, at this point, yeah, it is kind of like, yeah, it is, I'm like, what am I doing to fucking bum everybody out?

But it's such weird. You can tell the stories about, twins licking each other's Yeah, I'm like, there's so much to live for. Yeah. I can't. I will do shit.

Like, I grasp for straws whenever I've had to talk about suicide. Like, I'm sending them like, when do you have to talk people at a suicide? I've had to do it. You're the guy?

Yeah, yeah, I am the guy. Yeah, yeah. I am the guy they go to. It doesn't always work. All right, I'm 0 for 6. Yeah, what's your ratio? Maybe do you have anybody else who's awake right now?

I will help, but I'm apparently bad. What's your RBI? Yeah. Dude, my bad RBI. Yeah. Well, they say, you know, point three is like Hall of Fame. Yeah.

As long as you're getting one out of three. Also, one guy got him out the first time. I mean, the second time. So you're like, you know, and it's still. Yeah, you did your due diligence. Yeah. Yeah. I had a couple of, I've had a couple of buddies called me like, I'm going to do it,

like crying. And you're like, damn, it's 3 a.m. Yeah. I got a clock in right now. Yeah. It sucks. It's a tough. Well, because it's such a.

Go ahead. Well, like, for me, like, one of my friends, the last thing I sent him was, like, my face on, like, a Down syndrome guy and then, like, comtown clips. I was just like, this is my good, I'm just trying everything I can and throwing it at the wall. That's so funny.

Here's some tits. Here's Angela White. Because for me, I just, like, I've been depressed, but I've never. Setting in pictures of the seven wonders of the world. With you, with you having Down syndrome all over them. Because to me, I don't know,

certain things like that will make me just, I don't know, it's a very happy person. Yeah, I'm anxious. but I'm a very content person. And, yeah, like the littlest things. Like, dude, I don't know if you saw my story, but that guy at the plasma clinic fucking killed me, dude. What do you do?

So I sell plasma because I'm broke as shit. Actually, you know what? I got $80 right now. So I'm doing it. I'm doing good for me. I'm on unemployment. Oh, fuck. Oh, I got it.

I, uh, what was it, dude? This guy, I go to sell plasma, and this guy has a polo on backwards and bund up. And he's just selling plasma. He's like walking, it's a doctor's The uniform. He's like read a book asking It's like a smock, like back, you know what I mean?

It just, it was the funniest thing I've seen in my life, too. Actually, can you actually show, can you look at my story real quick? I think you still on there. It was just one of those things. That's so funny. It killed me the idea of somebody budding on polo. I've never seen anybody even do that.

And he's like asking people questions. He's like, oh, it's my first time. Oh, I know if it's too. Look at that. Oh, man, that's awesome. He buttoned it all the way up, too. I want to wear a turtle neck, but they're all in the wash. It's like one of those little corporate zip-ups because he buttoned it all the way up.

It's like completely, that's so funny. It killed me. Like, now the doctors, like, the woman's just in front of him with, like, gloves on and glasses, like, taking his blood and put it. Just real idiots fit. Like, yeah. I don't want to stay in the front. You see her just, the guy walks away and she takes the plasma and just throws it right out. Turns on the garbage disposal.

This guy's. That needs to be destroyed. Yeah, bad plasma. Put some lit match down the sink. What the fuck was that? That's so funny. Have you heard, I can't tell the joke, but have you heard Brett Rable's joke about donating semen? No.

Oh, my God. It's that, like, he goes in and then a bunch of punchlines, but like, it's the first time he's done it. So a bunch of punchlines later, he finally comes out with this. Oh, no, he goes to get like an AIDS test or whatever. So does all the punchlines, finally goes in, they give him the cup, and he's like, all right, it's just in the cup. And he comes out and he's like, he's like, he's in the cup. here's my sample and they go, sir, we wanted your urine.

And he ended up giving this girl jizz his own first time. And he was like, what? He was just so humiliated. No, that's my urine. Yeah, that's right. You definitely have AIDS. When I was a kid, I thought my peeing, because I didn't come when I'd first jerk off, and I thought my pee afterwards was the come.

And I was like, this is a fat load. And just, you go into the toilet. I was like, oh, yeah. Dude, my first time, what I first did when I found out about the internet, It was, you know, you find your one website. Yeah. And I would print out Lady Toplis and stare at it for like an hour. And then I would throw it in the trash outside.

So every night I would print out this picture. And one night I came just by looking at her. That's crazy. First time I ever came, I was like, whoa! Tantric. Yeah. I manifested it. So did you shred it or you just crumple it up, throw it out like a bad idea?

I just would toss it in the, you know, the big garbage can outside. So if anybody looked in there like, what? Who is this? Yeah, I had a similar thing. It was like a, I think it was a girl with like a dildo. And I had it in my lava lamp. I undid screw the light bulb and I would just unfold. That's awesome.

Dude, the hiding places as a kid is the best. So funny. I put, when I first started having sex, I would hide the condoms, you know, on the back of a guitar. You can unscrew that part where the strings go. Oh, so I would like hide it because I was like, my mom buys you, she's never going to look in the guitar. But then it would come to...

Crazy. But you needed a mini, like an eyeglass screwdriver, you know, because those screws are so small. And I had a girlfriend, so that wasn't like randoms, but like, there'd be times where I was like, I can't find my screwdriver. She'd be like, well, we can't have sex. How do you think sex works? Yeah. Well, I got to unscrew your back panel, babe. Yeah, come on.

Before I stick it in. She's like bender. Yeah. Yeah, dude, yeah, that would... I can't imagine trying to get all... Like, I guess when you're young. It's like, you're just like, I got to turn off the alarm system, your dad said. Yeah. Yeah, it's such a, it's such a fucking, I don't know, because now I'm like, I have like a condom like ready to go.

Because I'm like, all right, this could. Sure. This could go at any minute. So I got to throw it on. Yeah. It's on the dream catcher next to my bed. Yeah. Do you have one in public if you go out of your wallet guy, pocket guy?

Oh, I'm a wallet guy. Because it's like, it's such a, the craziest things are those kind of rapy guys that like, they'll just be like, oh, I forgot a condom. Because, like, for one, it's like, you're risking the not having sex for one. Yeah. And then for two, it's like you look like you're, I think you look kind of like an idiot if you don't have. You don't know what I mean? You're like, like, I think it looks. You should have, yeah, it's like Key's wallet, kind of like, hey, you got to be prepared.

You're an adult. Yeah. Or are you guys both in relationships? Yeah. Is that, I mean, do you wear condoms with your? No. No. But I've had times when I, I mean, I've been in a relationship for a while, but like, I've had times where, like, the condom fell out of the wallet and the girl.

was like, oh my God. Really? And I'm like, yeah. What do you mean? Would you be upset if money fell out of my wallet? Because I was planning to pay. Yeah. Yeah, it's such a

the dub, it's like, that's such a weird female thing with like, oh, you were expecting. I'm like, no, I'm just always hope. I mean, I'll fucking bring condoms to the airport. Yeah. What if I got a long layover? Yeah. I've done that, like putting on a cologne.

I'm like, who knows what could happen. Yeah, you never know. And it's optimistic. It's a good thing to be like, maybe. Oh, you're carrying tampons. in your purse. Yeah. What are you trying

to bleed all over me? Yeah. We were talking about that the other week, the big lie. A lot of women will do where they're like, they're like, I'm at the very end of my period.

It's very light. And then you just blood everywhere. Every time they're like, they're like, it's basically over. Yeah. Wow. What was it like before this?

This is over. You're up to your, wow. Good thing. It's almost done. Because I'm actually weirdly, like, out of all the weird sex stuff, I like blood like grosses me out.

I'm kind of hilarious. I'm not, I actually haven't had a ton of period sex. My girlfriend just doesn't, her period, she's like the complete opposite. She's not horny.

I haven't had period sex, I think, with my girlfriend. I've been with her almost nine years. Whoa. Yeah. But I'm the same. I didn't really have period sex

before that either. And then sometimes I'm still like, oh, ugh. I'll have it a little, but it's really not the blood that, that grosses me out.

Also, and, you know, when it's like dark, you think you're like, dude, I'm fucking killing it. She is soaked right now? Yeah.

Oh, She technically is. Yeah. It wasn't my doing. Yeah. But the blood doesn't gross me. It's the smell of the blood. Yeah, I totally agree.

It's the war in the air. The battle scent. Yeah. I can hear the clang of swords. You know, it just gets me out of it. The smoke of musket fire. Yeah, the horses. Yeah.

I think like drinking, I'm fine. If I'm drunk, then I call a retreat and we just pack it up and all your buddies get out of there. Yeah. Me and Washington head back. Cab, Washington. Dap at you up, it should be very friendly. Very friendly. He's like, yeah, man, whatever.

Yeah. Yeah, the, I don't know. I also like, for me, it's like I just get my sheets, like, ruined. And then if you try to bring another, being single, you're like, it's, you're like, if you bring somebody home. Put a towel down. Yeah. They don't mind. Or sorry, do they get offended?

Well, if they've already lied. Your towel falls out of your wallet. They're like, oh. Oh. Well, it's just you're like, first off, you look like a psycho in the laundry room pouring hydrogen peroxide on, like, bloodshed. That's hilarious. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's so funny.

Like, my room looks scary. I'm not a killer. I just fuck a lot. Yeah. That's all so gross. I don't want to fuck in your bed. There was probably another woman's... Yeah, no, that is...

Nolly. Yeah. But it's, uh... Yeah, I look crazy. Because also, I got locked out of my room. This was like, probably three months ago. I went on a rant about how I don't think ghosts are real. And then I walked out of my room.

and the door locked behind them. It's funny. Yeah, it's, I actually had a friend's day with me, and she was, like, asking about ghosts because she said she saw something here. But I'm like, I don't know. What? Yeah.

I've had, like, three now ghost experiences in this apartment. And I don't, I'm really like, I'm probably 40, 60, don't believe in ghosts. It's pretty healthy. Have you talked about this on the pod? Not a whole lot. Yeah, I'll get to do it. Tell us about your ghosts.

So the first one was, I guess the first kind of weird experience. was I did, this isn't that ghost related. And I have a very bit good, like, this is drug, so I don't believe it. Like, I don't believe in drug brain. I'm like, that's just stupid. So I did ketamine one time. There was a portal that was opening up right there where my room is.

Yeah, of course, I was on drugs. It was like, that's what, you know, happens. And then the next day was when I went on some rant, I was like, yeah, ghosts aren't real. Fuck that, whatever. And then walked out of my room. You know, it's real ketamine. Yeah, yeah, ketamine. I don't believe that.

I remember one time I was like, I was on ketamine. I mean, I closed my eyes and saw pyramids. I'm like, shut up. Yeah, I have that level of awareness after years of doing something where you're like, yeah, I'm high out of my mind. Yeah, yeah. Of course, this is going to be fucking crazy. Yeah, this is what I'm going to experience.

Yeah. And then, but the door thing is fair because you could lock the door and not close it, because it's one of these like, you know what I mean? So then I could have, I could have maybe locked it one night, not closed it, walked behind and closed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was the crazy one that was very odd and could be just sleep. paralysis.

So one time, this is all in the same time frame. I fell asleep listening to have you heard the Kid Rock 911 call? No, I missed that one. It's so good, dude. Some guy died on a Polaris on Kid Rock's ranch, which is like

a souped up golf cart. Oh, wow. Yeah, and the 911 call is like, get the fuck over here. They're like, who is this? And he's like, get to my ranch now. And there's like, my ranch. We don't know who this is. And he's like, you died on the Palauauauau

We need people immediately. And then it's just like, this like, you know, 911 lady's just like, I don't know where you want me to go. And it's just him yelling. I felt asleep watching that. It was a crazy thing to fall asleep watching. I woke up probably three hours later, and I heard audio of a 911 call.

It sounded like a dispatcher was like, yeah, there's like nine bodies in bags. There's nine bodies. and I kept hearing it and it was, I'm looking for my phone, I'm all over my room and I'm thinking, okay, where is this noise coming from? I can't find my phone. I look out here, nothing's on the TV and I... Are you still hearing it when you're searching?

I think I searched out here after, so I came out here later to make sure the TV was off. I'm in my room and I'm just hearing, I'm completely like awake and I'm in my room looking for my phone and my phone is nowhere. and the noise eventually stops but it's like it's a back and forth dish patch of a 911 call. Jesus. And then I find my phone

and it's been, it's dead. So I'm like, there's no way my phone just died. Yeah. I could have had sleep paralysis. I could have been like, but I'm moving, which is weird. But you could still be like in a weird foggy state, but it was a very odd thing to hear that noise

and then just like fucking like. Disappear forever. Yeah. And I was like, I was searching to see if like maybe there's some other like noise that this could have been coming out of. and it kind of gives me a little goosebumps because I'm pretty like, I'm 40% on ghosts,

like I don't believe in them. 60% would be the believing aspect of it. But I'm like, I don't know, somebody talked about a weird kind of like, not necessarily a ghost experience, but like there could be some sort of like, I used to think remote viewing is bullshit and I don't think I have the ability to do it.

But it could make sense that, it would make more sense that I, in some weird, I don't know, consciousness heard a 911, call somewhere than me. In the further. Yeah, yeah. Insidious.

I don't know if you saw it. It's all about... I've seen insidious. Yeah. It's all about remote viewing. Those are good movies, right? There's a new one coming out. Oh, cool.

Yeah. The last one, I think. I think there could be something. Like, yeah, there could be, everything's weird. But I always, if I get kind of spooked of a ghost, I just go, Ghost has never killed anybody. They're just always like, ooh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. What do I take your towel and throw it over here? Yeah. How do I slam your door? Yeah, you like that? Yeah. Yeah, I'm pretty like, I've seen ghosts, and I don't believe it because of someone when I was a kid. So, like, I don't think that, like, that I think I've seen three ghosts in my life.

One was probably sleep paralysis. I was sleeping, and I saw my dad, and then he just walked right over it, and there was a wall behind me, and whatever that was just disappeared. Well, he's going to Hogwarts. Yeah, yeah, he's going on the next trade. He had a shopping cart with all this shit, and there's an owl. Yeah. I'm just sprinting my dad. The other one was,

we have a haunted lake house. Not anymore, but in Ocala, Florida, this is actually kind of fun. So there's a gang called the Maul Barker gang. It was what the Goonies were based off. It was a mom and her two sons. And this is 1930s, my family had a house in Ocala that they rented as like a lake house.

Like an Airbnb style thing where they went under a fake name. They came, the FBI came and shot them down. Whoa. Yeah. So this was in the 1930s. So I think my grandma was alive, but was out of town with their...

I got to rewatch the Goonies. I don't remember that. I don't remember the shootout with all the kids. Yeah, dude, they got gunned. But fucking... When I was a kid, we'd all be, like, in the same room, and you could hear footsteps and shit, and then one time we were there with my buddy,

and we shined a flashlight, and we thought our other friend was there, and we saw, like, two pinstripe legs, and we just walked towards it. It was like, no. Whoa. Yeah. But I'm still like, dude, I don't know.

It's like, ghost just... I feel weird to be. about the camera thing. I've never seen a good ghost video that I'm like, that's it. Yeah. I know you always have to be like, right now, the ghost dog

watch through the, and you're like, it's kind of like a cloud when someone's like, it looks like a giraffe and you're like, yeah, now let's slow that down. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. But also if I, yeah, just because they're like, there's no threat to a ghost to me, I'm like, maybe. Yeah. I just don't, maybe you're a ghost. I don't know.

Yeah. Hope you're doing well. Yeah, I hope you're, hope you finish that. business. Imagine there's a shootout in the Goonies and Chunks

doing the trouble but he's just getting... Yeah, I think... They're still laughing. Yeah. This guy's hilarious. Fat people are great.

Yeah. I thought on that I was going to... Ghosties? Yeah, there was similar. Oh, the shows are incredible, though. I saw a clip from one of the new Ghost Hunter shows.

The first of the Guido one was really funny Zach Zach something There was this Guido That would like try to intimidate the ghost He's like I swear to fucking God I swear to fucking God I swear on my mud

I'll take you down Yeah you fucking bitch The Crawshow made fun of it It was like It was like this Guido guy Who a hoddy ghost But I saw one where the guy was so funny This guy like has a thing of vodka

And he's like He's just staring out He's like the ghost is telling me To take the shot right now And it was like A legitimate like ghost show. Like, this is a

so funny. Clippable thing. Yeah. You guys have any ghosties? I got no ghosties. I had my dad, you know,

growing up, my dad was like a cool California surfer, like, you know, badass guy. And then I feel like he got weirdly kind of spiritual,

something as life went on. And now he's kind of like that. But one time he called me and he's like, him and my stepmom were out of town. I like was near. And I like, it was like,

oh, just stop by my dad's taking. shower. And he called me when they got back in town like, hey, did you take a shower at the house? And I was like, oh yeah, sorry. And he's like, oh my God, I thought it was a ghost. And I was like, why? He's like, the towel was in a different spot.

And I'm like, so a ghost came. He's like, I thought it was my mom. Like, so your mom haunted. We listed the house. Yeah. We're looking at offers. Yeah, that's a, you hear a lot of those people that are like, dude, I smelt something in the room.

Yeah. And you're like, what? The smell is nothing. Yeah, yeah. There's the people who want to believe. My brother really believes. Did you have something? No, I don't have ghost things.

No, I don't think so. Yeah, go ahead. He thinks any, I mean, he has a lot of ghost facts of like, this is where you're more likely to find a ghost. Like if there's a slanted wall, like a ceiling, the ceiling's at a kind of decline or something. They love, they love that. Why? I don't know, dude.

He watches, this is just for the intel from the ghost shows. Yeah. You know? I think it's a fun thing to be into. It's fun to try to be like, oh, what about something else? I'd like to invent my own ghost-finding device and then just tell people it works. Yeah.

You take an old garment and a couple of different screens. You have some pipe cleaners. Spiral them on the end. Put a Game Boy color on that. Oh, it's, yeah. A ghost finder. It's contract the dead. Yeah.

I think the only time I was like freaked out about it is, so not to keep making this dark, but one of my friends who died, he was buried like two blocks from my paper. parents place and then he killed himself like two blocks the other way. So I would, for there's like a year, I fucking hated staying there because I was just like, the ghost thing is fucking creepy. Yeah, you're in the, you're in the triangulation.

Yeah. Oh yeah. My house is right. The death, the burial and then you. It's like, yeah, he's swinging by on his grave. Yeah. Hey. Yeah.

I had a really. You see him in the window? Yeah. Should stop me. Yeah. You thought the fucking down syndrome face was enough. Yeah. It wasn't even a good episode.

have come down. Yeah. That was when they were phoning it in. Yeah. That was towards the end. But I had, I mean, that was like a bad, like, fucking, I had like, like, the night terror sleep after you think of him fucking hanging over my bed and shit. Oh, wow.

It was really bad. But the weird one was, I went to go visit him in the grave, or his grave, which graves, you ever talked to a grave? It's the weirdest as fucking thing. You're like, no, I'm not talked to a grave. I don't think I've talked to one. I visited some recently, like, uncles and stuff like that, yeah. We all just kind of hand on the grave and, like, breathed heavy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so weird because, like, in your mind, you start doing it, and you realize how retarded it is because you're like, is this like a ring camera where you can like see what I'm saying? Or you start talking out loud, you're like, well, if you got ghost powers, I assume you can hear my thoughts. Yeah. Do I have to say it out loud?

Yeah, it's funny. Yeah, you just hold the grave and think. Yeah. Are all ghosts like God? They're just everywhere and can see everything and know everything. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Are there levels?

I'm sure there are. Yeah, because I'm sure there are. I don't even know. I don't think they're real. I like that I'm like, I'm sure there's levels to it. Yeah. But what freaked me out was I, my dad has a Tesla, and I drove it to the grave, and then I got it. And it drove itself home.

That is what happened. But it would speak to me out is it kept driving me, like, further into the graveyard. There's something very scary about being in a graveyard at night, and the car is driving. Yeah. Oh, my God. It was... Oh, my God. Why would you do that?

Well, you didn't have to put all those candles on the dashboard. That was all by doing. Yeah, that, uh, yeah, I don't know. But I also like, dude, it's like, who am I sometimes? I'm, like, smoking cigarettes at a grave, like, I'm the Punisher or something. I'm like, who the fuck am I? I don't know. Sometimes I'll, uh, I'll get into, like, fake personalities sometimes.

Like, like, like, I'll watch Batman. I'm like, I'll have like a fan. I'm like, my parents are, like, I'm like, yeah, yeah. I have that the, the wanting a horrible backstory to be like, I'm fucking badass. Yeah, yeah. And then when people know, they're like, whoa. Yeah, yeah. That's right.

Yeah. And for me, I grew up rich, and then we've just been poor for a ticket. So I got no sort of real, like, origin story like that. But people love that in comedy. I've decided if I ever become successful, I'm going to lie every podcast about where I'm from my background. Yeah, like Steve. You're going to change it every time. You're a 9-11 story.

That's such a funny stolen valor. Yeah, that's great. I do stolen valor in my head. But he didn't need. I don't know why he did it. It was just like a compulsive lie, right? Yeah, he probably was just a big liar. because he was on the league.

That was a big show. Yeah, no, he was famous and successful. He did not need the 9-11 bump. Yeah. What, did Pete Davidson come out? And he's like, oh, fuck, I got to get a piece of that pie. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, it's so weird. Yeah. Sorry, what were you saying? Well, I say, that probably hurt him. Like, they probably, like, heard him. Oh, big time. Yeah, because it was like, he was on the league and stuff.

And then it's also, like, it could be fun, though, if you're known for doing it. You're like, dude, nobody knows where Michael Good's from. Or he sees, every time, it's a new place, a new backstory. Dude, I would love to... He's a con man. You're the first comedy con. Well, not the first comedy con man, but... Yeah, one of the many.

Yeah. Dude, just like going to a podcast, going like, you know, if ever get on like your mom's house, just say I grew up in Detroit. Yeah. I have a whole backstory there. Yeah, you steal Eminem's backstory.

And before comedy, I got under rap battles. I was living in a trailer. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. But I'll do you stole the valor in my head briefly. Like, I was listening to One by Metallica. And I just for like,

you want to be a torso? Yeah. For eight minutes. You want to be an armless, I was like, I was in war. Lump. And then the song ends

and I'm like, I was not in war. Yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to do a joke about that where you see war shows and like, I'll get jealous of like band of brothers.

You know, they're getting their fucking legs blown off, but they're all such good friends. I'm like, that looks so nice. Yeah. I did have a good friend. Like literally,

I'll watch a jail documentary and be like, God, those guys have good bonds. Yeah, they're all together. You know, a pleasure of fraternity brother? That's,

that's fraternity. That's your pledge class are like, you brothers, bro. It's like, it's like you're at war. That's so funny. Not at all, but that's how people talk about. They're like, this is, well, guys need some type of pretext to hang out. You can't just like, it, you can obviously, but it's not a, we don't really live in a world right now where a ton of people do proactively reach out to their guy friends like, hey, you want to hang out. Like, we're hanging out and this is, we're doing a podcast though.

Right. You weren't just like, hey, you guys want to hang out. Yeah. You know, like, I don't really see you that way. Yeah. I have so many friends that are like, I only see you when we do the bucket. It's not like intentional,

but it's just one of those things. And you're always, especially thinking about comedy, you're always obsessing over comedy. And then a girlfriend or someone outside of it would be like, what do you, you never do anything. And you're like,

oh, yeah. I'm chasing one thing and I forgot to, like I'm in this city and I'm like, this fucking city. And I'm like, oh, because I never plan to actually go have fun in the city.

Yeah. Yeah. What it's a great, I mean, so fucking, like, that's a balance I try to find because like I think,

like a couple months ago, I was just Yeah, there we're My mic, don't worry. Oh, that was crazy. Still fresh. Yeah, certified. I think my nose is fucked up because I can't smell it.

Yeah, it smells a lot like what I just ate. Oh, go. What was that? Dude, I had a fucking horrible. This is my biggest pet peeve about, yep, I had a Zinn sandwich. No, I had a fried chicken sandwich, and I was debating between that and a burger.

Because I was at this, you know, whatever lunch with Molly's second cousin. And fried chicken burger, what are you picking? What's your rationale? Maybe, honestly, I haven't had too many fried chicken sandwiches in my life.

I don't know why. I just always kind of skip them. It's too much. It's like a, yeah, I know what you mean. It makes me sick. Well, if you get a Popeye's one, it's like, you know what you're going to get? It's a decent amount of meat.

It's like white breast. So you feel, I felt like fried chicken and hamburger are like similar. It's like a lateral health move. I don't know, but the fried always gets me where I'm like Fair enough. I should have gone burger because I picked the fried chicken and it was like half of it was just... Yeah, the crunch. The batter and the fry...

So I was pulling it off and no chicken is in there. I feel like it's such a mess to get a fried chicken sandwich. Yes, it's slippery. And then the chicken that was in there was shitty and dark meat and it just sucked. Yeah. So I'm not making that mistake again. I made that same move because like I lost a fuck ton of weight. And burgers, which in my opinion, burgers was bad for you as the bread.

It's like, because I'll just eat fucking burger patties. And you never get a burger where you like, ooh, they really fucked this up, or they gave me a bad cut. It's like... Yeah, I mean, unless it's like super overdone. Yeah. But even then, it's like, you know... Yeah.

But a shitty piece of chicken will ruin the meal. Yeah. But like, yeah, burger with... Yeah, if you just kind of protein style it, you're like, I can have these every day. Yeah, I can eat forever, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but...

So that's what I just ate. I've been doing the... I should have a porta potty earlier, too. On unemployment, I've been doing really good at just, like, prepping everything just because I'm like, don't, you have no money. Yeah, that's good. This is your money allowed, and it's been good.

good to just have like my fridge is especially with my girlfriend back home for a month it's just a thing of rice some veggies some meat turkey yeah what you eat you get money from the government right now don't I got a little energy drink you love getting a a specialty bodega drink though

I haven't I haven't been having these but I was just so tired because I yeah I went to bed at like four last night this is a bloom I think they're better than Celsius is as much caffeine do they might be more but there's elfinine in it so it helps it's that extra little amino acid that zone jail. Yeah, because I

basically I'm a stimulant psycho. Like, it's like, I'm prescribed Adderall. I only take it like twice a week. Like that combined with the Celsius and Zins. I'm like, you know what? If I quit a lot of this for a week, I think I would be fucking chilling. I think I would be, I think I'd be less in my head. Yeah, but it just sucks when you got to get a lot

of shit done. Like I had to do a, I did like an SNL packet, which is kind of funny because one of my friends was like, I thought I thought it was like open. And I mean, it's pretty open. Like, yeah. Somebody just sends you a code or whatever. But I submitted it, and then I submitted the tape, which they definitely,

I know they haven't watched, which is, I mean, I would never make, like it's not. It does zero views on YouTube? You ever check that? Yep. And you're like, what? Is the one watch me or them?

Yeah. Because I was checking if it up was. Yeah, yeah. You're like, I don't know. Well, the funny thing was, I was like, fuck it, dude, this real sucks. It's like whatever.

Like, I'm not good of characters or whatever. And then I sent it to them. And on the email, I thought it'd be funny to put, what's good playboy question? mark and then or whoever's reading this and then I tagged it by saying like my name my phone number reading level advanced and all I got was it just says received period and then nothing oh wow you got a response though yeah yeah yeah but I the thing still zero and I'm like you know what I'm happy

for taking that's fun I feel like that actually doesn't that email doesn't matter it's just whatever your packet is yeah yeah yeah well the writing packets through portals like that is like I think they actually look at that the other one I'm sure is like just fucking like I mean who knows they'll look at the writing bag good but probably i like i like a funny submission email yeah because like i'm at least a conversation it works and he's like look at this fucking idiot yeah yeah yeah better than yeah yeah now i'm now i'm in the conversation yeah look at this fucking idiot yeah um i uh i really pissed somebody off at my sales job the other day i called someone and she and she picked up and she knew who it was i cold called

somebody she's i was like hey it's uh zach from just week she goes zach i was i was wondering when you were going to call. And she was like, I was like, yeah, oh, what's up? I thought it was like going to be a good call. And she's like, you have successfully offended our entire company this week. And I was like, really? I was so shocked. And she, did I tell you this?

Oh, she was like, yeah, you, so not only did you reach out and connect with like four people on LinkedIn and you sent each of those people emails, now you're calling my cell phone. It's like, yeah, what, what's the, I asked, do you have? Do you have a sales team? And then I did manage to ask if she had a provider right now. So I still got those qualifying questions in there. But I was like, you want to see offensive. I'll swach, I'll fax you a swastika.

Yeah, I have so much more information. Yeah. I love the. It was crazy, dude. I love those moments. So you go, hey, I like leveling, be like, yeah, I'm going to do what I'm going to do. You do your job, right? I've heard, I've had so many out of all the sales jobs,

I love hearing, like, you know, because you're all kind of sitting together. I love when, like, you hear dude be like, yeah, what do you think I'm not going to call you? Like, to just break, be like, I'm, this is my job, lady. Yeah, yeah. It's so great. I'm, I'm going to be like, never call me again. I'm like, I'll call you next week. I love, like, the, I love being like, shut, shut up.

You just don't know that you're ready to reevaluate you. Yeah. That's great. I love piss some people. I love when people get pissed. I think it's so fun. Well, I've done a bunch of things. And the thing people don't get is I can't hang up.

So you just hang up. Oh, I can hang up. What's up? You're not allowed to hang up? Well, no, like, I sold solo panels. Yeah. I sold basically lies. My, uh, I worked for my school at Florida State and I would be in the call center and you'd call people and ask them for money.

And you could, you had to do four times until, and people would be like, no, I'm not going to give any fucking money. Yeah. Fuck you. And you're like, well, we're building a new gymnasia. Like, you have to just keep doing the thing. and we'd occasionally we'd flip a We're opening up an Ivermectin Research Center

We're like, well, hot dog! Now I'm in. Now I'm in, yeah. But you fucking like, we'd flip open a dictionary and you'd point to a word and then you'd have to use that word, which would be fun. That's hilarious. Yeah, that's so fun.

I think at one point we had an expression. You have to sneak in like even a platypus lays an egg every once in a while. Yeah, we had that, we had that, like, you have to say this. And then it's like, especially when, like, you would book somebody and then you'd be like

they didn't say it and then at the end just out of the blue that it'd be like platypus lays an egg and they're like what? I think I said it

a bad thing there was like they were trying to set up like safety alarms on campus for people that for people that are like getting raped or like something like that

and then I'll be like it's a pretty safe campus but even a platypus lays an egg everyone oh my god that's funny that's so funny

oh you know I was just thinking about we were so Mahoney's donated Jizz before. Because I'll sell plasma, but I've never, Giz freaks me out. Jizz is a bridge too far? Yeah, that seems

like, because they're gonna, I would way sooner do Jiz than plasma. Don't they have to go into your bone for plasma? No. How do you get plasma? No, that might be playlets, but they pull it out of your body, they spin it really fast. It's like blood, right? Oh, it's just blood. It's just spun blood. Yeah, but they separate

the plan from the blood and put the blood back in. Okay. Yeah, give me my blood back. That's what I want. They give you your blood back? Yeah. Oh, wow. That's what I, I had to take, I didn't, I thought I had mono and they took a lot of blood. And they called me and they're like, everything's fine. And I was going to give me my fucking blood back. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. If it's good blood. Yeah. I didn't know they gave it back to you. Yeah, because I don't know, I don't know how blood rejuvenates, but that is weird to make

more of it. Like, plasma, your body just makes more. It's actually good for you. You burn 600 calories. And it's like, you're supposed, like, you're supposed to donate plasma. Yeah. Yeah. Twice a week. You're supposed to jerk off and donate plasma. Yeah. But the fucking the seem, I don't know, having a version of me walking around there. Because you just are a father at that point. Yeah, that's true. That doesn't excite you. I don't think I'm tall enough to even, you know, you have to be like six something, college graduated.

I think to get money, yeah. Just for the love of the game, I could do it. But if you want a legacy, that's free. Hey, ladies, it's been a couple of days. Do you have a cup real quick? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think it's like, hey, you get more money.

doing it anyway. Yeah. And charisma points don't mean anything. Like, I can't go in there and be like, dude, I'm fun and I get pussy.

Yeah. Yeah. Let me show you these twins. Yeah. I wish you could do that. I've helped two friends not kill themselves. Yeah. Out of eight.

Yeah. The first time. Yeah. Just selling your personal quality. Yeah. Just take my cup. Do you want my kids? I was on Kill Tony recently.

Yeah. Yeah. That, you know, should carry some weight. Get out. Get out. Yeah.

Definitely get out now. Yeah. Well, we saw, because we saw a lesbian being couple and one of them was pregnant and we're, because we're, this is on, Joe was like, yeah, yeah, that's me.

Well, we were, I don't think Joe was there during that, but we were smoking cigarettes in the roof and then the pregnant couple like walked up and then they were like, it would be funny they were both pregnant. Why not do that? Yeah. But they were like, uh, they were like you gotta stop smoking up here because we're pregnant. Which is kind of a different thing because they walked into the smoke

versus. Yeah, what the hell? You're outside too. Yeah. You're on a roof, you said? Yeah, I mean, I guess you're not supposed to be smoking on the roof, which is fair, but I'm also like, you walked like in and they're like, they hoofed up the stairs. Yeah, and then they were in there. And they put it out immediately. But we were, I was trying to figure out how they,

I'm sure they just do artificial incinination, but it is fun to think about them putting it in the strap on. We're dipping it in a gallon of cum, just kind of like, like it's fun dip or something, just kind of dip in the tip in and put it in that way. Yeah, we're leaving it in. Yeah. We're leaving the strap in.

That's so funny. I don't know why. You want to do it. We want to do the natural way. Yeah. Just a paint bucket. A paint bucket. Fun dip is funny. You just have a little tear away.

It's a timed release. Yeah. Oh, that's wild. Yeah, it was a real intense thing because she's like, you put those out immediately. I'm like, just cover your pussy. Make you smoke doesn't go in and you'll be fine. You said you're working on it? That's great.

What's up? You said you work on it? Like to be like, I'm almost done. No, no, no. I was like, I'm telling them to put it out. Oh, okay. Yeah. I'm like, just give me a fucking second, bitch.

You want to hit it. It'll help it go out quicker. I had a lady I go on my roof and the people below me there's one apartment I have to avoid because it's an older lady who comes up and screams because it's her apartment and she owns it and it's like don't I get it

it's like don't step on the roof what if you fucking what if something happens I own this one actually but whenever she yells at me I just laugh I can't help but die laughing and she hates it so much but yeah I love going on the roof it's the best what does she yell at you she like opens the door

it's kind of like my mom she'll open and be like this is not a person playground. And I'll just be like, uh, I'll be like, yeah. You do a car? Oh, really? Then what's this?

Summer salt, summer salt. Hopscatch. Yet, they, uh, I was working out once on my roof in Queens. And, uh, I didn't realize. I like forgot that people were living under the roof. Yeah,

yeah. And, uh, yeah, some guy came up through the fire escape. He's like, what the fuck are you doing? I was doing like burpees above his apartment. What'd you like, what'd you say?

I'm just, you know, getting after it, man. I don't know what I said. I was like, oh, yeah, shit. I'm sorry. I was like, yeah, I'm just getting after you. I'm sorry. No, I didn't say that. I think I was ashamed.

Yeah. Ours is like, sometimes you never know if you can go on the roof and randomly it'll be locked. Not in this building, but another ones where you're like, I don't know if I could technically be up here. Yeah. I had one of those. Yeah. My currently is like sometimes it's like, kind of like an unspoken thing.

Yeah. You go on the roof. We don't ask. You go. And the roofs are just like, you were at the one of my Queens apartment, right? It's like a little playground. Like you can climb up on the slopes. Like some roofs are very expansive across the whole building.

And you can just do whatever. Do whatever. Yeah. You can climb up on like the pointy part because it's like sloped. It's like the warped wall. Oh, wow. Yeah. Press the button.

Move on. Do you remember when you're a kid in the first time you go to the roof? It's the coolest thing ever. Yeah. Dude. Yeah. I can see everything. We were parkour.

And during our parkour phase, we would go to the high school. school and like park or up get on the high school roof like the big auditorium and then go down the hatch into the catwalk or whatever we were obsessed with yeah we were really the hatch yeah yeah we were really obsessed with uh getting on roofs

who's awesome I have friends that did the same thing and this is what they did which is very funny they broke into a school turned on the what's it called they flooded a school so they turned on the the eye water things and one of my friends I think one of

my friends like spray painted his name or something. That's so funny. And there's clear pictures of my friends and they went to their house and they go to my buddy. They're like, this is you climb on there. He goes, no, it's not. And they just couldn't get him on it because they're like, this is clearly you. And he's like, no, it's not. Yep.

Yeah. I just got away with it. That was like my best friend growing up. We were always doing like weird. Yes, stupid shit like that. But one time we worked at an ice rink together. We were like ice rink referees. It was like the only place in town that would hire you and you were like 14.

And didn't know how to ice rink. skate still got hired, but we would go into the you know, they had like a party room. It was like a massive place and after all the kids' birthday parties, we would go in and like eat all the leftover cake and pizza and stuff. But one time we went in there before the

party started and ate all the food. We just didn't clock it because of the adrenaline rush. So we just like, whoa, there's so much pizza. And then the whole party was ruined. And then they, you know, got us in the office and we're like yelling at us and we're like, you ate all the fucking pizza. and then we're like, no, no,

and they rolled in a TV like substitute teacher style and they played footage and it's my buddy running through the ice frame calls with pizza in his hands and his mouth going, he goes,

I may have had a slice. It's so funny. Yeah, just a clear, it's just a funny just like, how do you get a lie your way out of this? This is clearly you. Yeah.

Parkour was so fun. remember the funniest thing I found is you know Riley Reid is married to a professional parkour guy. Oh, that's why we did it. Yeah, they're both into crazy stance. I did. I did know that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's why I joined the club. That's so fun that like the things that you think are cool

when you're 10 turns out are actually kind of cool. Yeah, porn stars and parkour. I mean, if you're a professional, uh, what are the trasseur, which is, it started in French. It started in France. Oh, really? Oh, wow. So they're called like, it's the word is French. And then they, for free running. No, well, not parkour.

It's like, it's T-R-A-U-C-E-R. I think it's like a treseil. I don't know. Oh, shit. But is this guy French? The Riley Reid got, probably not. No, I think he's some sort of foreign, maybe like, could be. Yeah.

That's so, that makes me so happy that a guy learned how to do a backflip. He's like, just one day we'll pay off. Yeah, because parkour usually like, hey, what am I doing? And then he's like, nope. I'm thinking this all the way. The hottest woman. Yeah. I think he banged her out of,

porn. I don't know if she still does it. Oh, wow. He banged her out of porn. That's a pretty funny move. He banged her off frame. They said cut for one last time. He picked her up and people threw rice at him.

We're done. We're over an hour now, so what do you guys want to promote? I'm in Indianapolis on Thursday at the helium. Please come out. Oh, it's be out by that. Yeah, yeah. I'm releasing my special at some point on YouTube.

It's not called at some point, but that's pretty good. So check that out, Zach Russell comedy. I also have thoughts about Grand Platiner if you want to DME. Oh, shit,

we were gonna get, anyway, oh, yeah. Take you guys after. Right. Yeah. All right. Thank you guys for coming on. Yeah, thanks for having us.