Motley Fool Hidden Gems Investing - How Much Does Santa Weigh?

Episode Date: December 24, 2022

We're taking a break from investing and stock talk to discuss: - Santa's actual weight - Murder's surprising popularity as an entertainment device - Best movie Santas - Alcoholic holiday drinks - "Cereal Derangement Syndrome" - Fascination with the NY Post's front page - Rule changes we would make in the NBA, NHL, and MLB - Who should narrate a classic McSweeney's essay To cast your vote for your favorite sports rule change, email [e-mail]. Host: Chris Hill Guests: Bill Barker, Bill Mann Engineer: Rick Engdahl Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This family is on the brink of civil war. On September 18th, Mobland, the hit original series, is back on Paramount+. We are the Hartigans. Don't know them yet? Then Google us. From the underworld of Guy Ritchie. Do you want to step up the ladder?

I want Comet dead. Starring Tom Hardy, Pierce Brosnan, and Helen Mirren. Do I have to do everything myself? You want more? I'll give you more! Mobland, new season hits September 18th Paramount Plus. If you need a break from the holiday weekend, you're in the right place. Apropos of nothing, starts now. I'm Chris Hill, and once again, we're taking a small break from

investing and stock talk. If that's what you're looking for, we will be back with that on Tuesday. But if you're stressed out right now from the holidays or travel, or you're missing someone, whatever's going on in your world, if you just need a distraction, hang out with me, Bill Barker, and Bill Mann, as we talk about alcoholic holiday drinks, rule changes we would use to make sports more interesting to watch. And since it's Christmas, we start with a question about the big man himself. A listener sent in a question that I had not thought about before, and it's simply, how much does Santa weigh? There are practical

questions here. That's a direct question that I've never truly thought about. Depends on the Santa, obviously. I think he's referring to the actual Santa. Right, come on. Not a fake Santa, not a movie Santa. The actual Santa. And I'm thinking it's close to 300

pounds. How's he getting into most houses? Magic. Christmas magic. But the question remains. The threshold question, is he an elf? He is, by some famous accounts, a right jolly old elf. I say that's canon.

I'd describe him as elf-curious for sure. Elf-adjacent? Elf-adjacent. I think elf-adjacent. Half-elf? He might be half-elf. He's depicted in popular culture as being different from the elves themselves. He's obviously not like one of the Lord of the Rings elves, because they were more into the killing.

Right. There's a new movie where Santa's doing some killing. It would be pretty awesome if you take the Lord of the Rings, like Legolas the elf. That origin story is actually he becomes Santa. Well, I mean, they could be like a mismatched buddy cop thing. They could be. Like, they're both elves, but one, you know, is facing Sauron and one is delivering toys. And they have to make it work.

They have to make it work. And solve crimes. Together. You and your crime public. I always did wonder why it was that Jessica Fletcher wasn't implicated in more of the thousands of murders she was around. Even if just once in the third or fourth season, it's a side plot. Oh, yeah. I think she did it.

I think she did it. Do we want to? We sure? We don't want to accuse her of, you know. That's right. And she just kept such a great disposition around all the murder. Yeah. Well, look, I think that works.

She studied, like, there are actual murderers of whom it was said, like, oh, such a nice neighbor. I never would have suspected. I mean. It's like, oh. If you're the Cabot Cove mayor, you're getting her to move. Yeah, probably. I don't know. You've got a lot of murders going on.

You need somebody to – I mean, despite the size of your town, I mean, your odds of being murdered in that town are about one in three. I was going to say, my memory of that show is it's not a particularly big town. No. No. Like most places in Maine. Not a big town. Right.

Right. How's old man Johnson? Now he was murdered. And this brings up a point, which I was asking you about. So, you know, the most popular topics for entertainment, you know, love, romance is number one. Topic A. Topic A. Topic A, whether it's song, movie, TV series.

And number two is murder. You know what? I had a long day. I don't really. I'm just going to relax and watch. a bunch of murder shows. I'm just going to watch Law and Order for several hours. Or CSI.

Yeah. Or NCIS. Steve Martin and Martin Short, they're pretty funny. What are they working on? Murders in the building. It does get glossed over in most shows. It's just like, well, let's move on to the solving of the

crime. Yeah. Any damage. Apparently, there is not any long-lasting damage by being around a murder. They are psychological tanks. I mean, could you imagine being around

What, being like a homicide detective? No, being like, no, being a muggle pulled into with a murder that happens right by you. You're like, oh, let's solve it. No, I'm like, I am moving to Maui. Oh, you're talking about only murders in the building.

Any of them. Oh, yeah, yeah. Any of them. Where just sort of the civilians jump in. Yeah, the civilians jump in. There's absolutely no, like, psychological damage. Like, you know, let's just solve it. No, let's not solve it.

Because it's entertaining. Yeah. It's fun. So I was watching Murderville last night on Netflix, Will Arnett, and Conan O'Brien in this particular episode. And it does start off with a murder by a magician. um oh yeah that yeah that episode opening yeah so it's uh yeah i mean it's a topic you're you are being presented with apparent murders all the time uh people being sawed in half and generally going up in flames and things like that because it's fun because it's entertaining that's why

because everyone because we've already been programmed through experience in society to recognize the entertainment value of apparent death. I think that many people in the entertainment industry would simply point to the scoreboard. They would just say, here's this list of wildly popular shows that print money for our network season after season, and I think No. 1 on that list of people who'd be happy to point that out is Dick Wolf. Oh, yeah. I don't think Dick Wolf exists.

The man behind Law & Order. Is he still alive? Who can tell? He still makes like $70 million a year. Every year, he's on the top 10 list of who made the most money in Hollywood this year. And number eight, Dick Wolf. We're going to get back to how much to stand away, because I feel like we've gone off on a tangent. Unpredictably, the three of us have gone off on a tangent.

But here, to continue with the wolf theme, based on the last show we did, where we talked about character arcs that we would like to see explored more, somebody wrote in. A listener wrote in and suggested, from the Quentin Tarantino universe, Winston Wolfe from Pulp Fiction, and really, any of the origin stories for any of the color guys in Reservoir Dogs. Although I feel like we kind of get ... I think Tim Roth is Mr. Orange, and I think we kind of get his origin story, because he's a cop. get sort of the lead up to there but we we do gotta know about mr pink though why am i pink yeah yeah yeah but the wolf you've got you've got a lot to play with oh my god i mean in just

a couple of minutes of screen time you've got a lot uh to to work with yes and it helps that it's played by harvey kytel i mean is he a superhero how can he can he actually drive that fast is he the flash we don't know probably not just drives unbelievably fast he drives unbelievably fast he introduces himself by saying i'm winston wolf i solve problems and he proceeds to solve in pulp fiction a huge problem for a couple of the characters there yeah and by the way the solution didn't seem all that complex it didn't looking back on it shouldn't they have been able to figure that part out themselves. We need to clean the blood out of the car. And dispose of it somewhere. That was the entire issue, right?

And yet, it takes Winston Wolf, who is the person in charge, tells everyone what to do. They do it, for the most part, without complaining. He's got the connection at the junkyard. He knows this is the junkyard where the car is going to go, and this car and this body will disappear and no one will be the wiser. He has God knows how much cash in his pocket to buy Quentin Tarantino's character, Jimmy, a brand-new bed set, and so … And he gets a good cup of coffee in while doing all that. He likes it. A lot of sugar. And by the way, that might be the only surprising thing about Winston Wolfe. That he takes his

coffee with a lot of cream and a lot of... He seems like a just black coffee. It's like going to Dunkin' Donuts. Right, yeah. Maybe that's part of the origin story. He grew up in Boston, somehow lost the accent for the movie. So he grew up in Woundsocket, and that's...

Shout out to Woundsocket. Nice. Getting back to Santa. What do you think he was? You brought this up. You must have a hot take. I think he's somewhere in the range of 275. I don't think it's quite 300 pounds because I don't think he's like 6'5". Is he above 6 feet? You don't think he's a mountain man.

You think he's pudgy. I don't think he's pudgy. I think he's probably somewhere in the range of 6'6", 6'2", and goes 275, and a lot of it is in his gut. I think he's like 5'10", max. Really? Why? He's half-elf. And he's old. Yeah, there's that.

He's started shrinking a little bit. So you're saying his weight is what? I mean, he's like Ed Asner. Okay. You know? One of the best movie Santas, Ed Asner. Is he the best, though? Is Ed Asner the best?

Is Ed Asner, in Elf, the best movie Santa? Oh. He's on the short list. I think he's on the short list, too. I think... Don't you think that the... I think Paul Giamatti and Fred Claus is on the short list. Yeah.

And I think Sir Richard Attenborough doesn't get it, but he's on the shortlist because he's Sir Richard Attenborough. So, in the bizarro category, what about Dan Aykroyd from Trading Places? Was that a good Santa? Eating the salmon? Right. Who's not actually Santa? That's a separate category. People wearing a Santa costume. And we'll get to that. But, Rudolph. In Rudolph, that's Santa. He's a pretty good Santa. He's a pretty good Santa.

He's not 300. He's not 275. Not at the beginning. I mean, he puts about 100 pounds on in the week before Christmas. Right. So he's probably, yeah, because he's not tall. Because you put him next to Yukon Cornelius. That's a man.

Mrs. Claus is towering over him. Is she? I think so. Isn't part of that her hair? Like she's got like that serious beehive thing going on. so we've solved what Santa weighs I think we're somewhere in the ballpark

of between two and three hundred pounds I think that's fair depending on his height I'm going to say 240 to 280 205 and 295 are very different so let's go like 240 to 280 yeah he's more than 240

unless he's like 5'4 he could be built like a speed bump You might need more reindeer. A follow-up question from the same listener. Is Santa diabetic? Lots of cookies and milk to consume on Christmas. I think he absolutely has to go into detox after that. Yeah, that's probably why he loses the weight. We just know about him eating all those cookies at Christmas. Right. Now, again, given the partial elf

nature of him and the elf diet which is candy candy corn candy canes and syrup yeah you're saying the the glucose levels might be different for elves than humans he's partially made of sugar yeah that's probably true um mount rushmore of holiday drinks alcoholic holiday drinks Are there other holiday drinks that are alcoholic besides eggnog? Sure, there's mulled wine, like Glühwein, which is absolutely number one. Okay, is that mulled wine? Yeah. Or did you just make up a word that I've never heard in my life?

You've never heard that word? What is it, Glühwein? Glühwein. All of the Germans are nodding along right now saying, yeah. The three Germans who are listening right now? Yes, correct. You sent out some data recently. about where the listeners are in the world.

And as we've discussed, there are dozens. Yeah. But number four, I think, on the list surprised me. Maybe it was four or five. Was it Singapore? Yeah. Yeah. Like four, five?

Or not on a percentage basis, but on an absolute basis, Singapore, I think, is fifth. So pretty much everybody there. Yeah, because Singapore is five and a half million people, I think. And we've got seven listeners, so that's great. All the dozens, at least five people in this country, one in Canada, one in England, Australia, and then, yeah. One in Ireland. Yeah, there's only a few. Okay, so mulled wine. Yes, I've heard of mulled wine. That's an alcoholic holiday drink.

Are there others? Like, I'm genuinely asking it, because I can't, off the top of my head, think of any. And by the way, I don't know how old I was when I learned that eggnog has alcohol in it, because there used to be, you know, dairies would sell in the grocery store non-alcoholic eggnog, which, when I was seven years old, tasted amazing. It was sweet, creamy, it was fantastic. And then later, it was like, wait, what? People put what in this?

What are the grown-ups drinking? What I'm drinking is so much better. Going back to the pre-dude times, I would think that white Russians, kind of a winter drink. You think the Big Lebowski popularized white Russians? I think the Big Lebowski, it spread it across the year. Okay. What time of year do you suppose the Big Lebowski? It's in Southern California, so it's kind of seasonless.

It is kind of seasonless. The only thing we know is it's early in the month because the guy— early in the whatever month it is whatever month it is the guy comes it's like you know tomorrow's the 10th you do just want to remind you you know as your landlord tomorrow's the 10th i'm not sure that uh mount rushmore gets uh four all-star drinks yeah i don't think so you know holiday spirits was there anything else related to christmas you wanted to touch on or Did you want to go to the thing? Where we're going to go?

Yeah, where we're going to go. I don't know. You know, at one point, you had said somebody wanted us to revisit the concept of Kringle PI. A couple of people have just mentioned that on social media. But I think, you know. I think we beat that one into the ground. It's a grand total of two. Yeah.

A grand total of two people. We have had people say that is a treatment that you should absolutely write up and shop around. I think it's a limited series. This is America. There's no such thing as a limited series. Yeah, we're already on to season two. But as long as season two is on a streaming service where it's like, I just want to do eight episodes, don't make me do network television where it's like 22 episodes. Well, I wrote a treatment of the You in a Hallmark Christmas movie, which is ready

if anybody out there is looking for a four-page treatment of really an instant classic. Sure. Drop an email to podcasts at fool.com, and we'll forward that along. It's done, and it's right up there. And based on the article I read from, I think it was Forbes last year, breaking down the economics of Christmas movies, there's a decent chance that thing will get made. Because the economics of Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel are phenomenal. I'll let Hallmark have this one for free. Because I just want it.

You just want the writing credit. I just want to be able to say, yeah, Hallmark gave me a call. Yeah. All right. That's all. Can we get them to say inspired by a true story? I have to go out. Absolutely.

And get a get well card for somebody. And you don't make. I'm not making it. What about a tasteful handwritten note? Have you thought about that? The handwritten note is going to be on the card. Barker's handwriting is legitimately terrible. I can throw no stones at this glasshouse. Someone with objectively terrible handwriting.

Is this a thing that still exists, like a store that sells only greeting cards? Well, not only greeting cards, but there are certainly paper stores. That's a store that ... Right, so I could go there? Yeah, you can go there. I can no longer go across the street to the bizarre place across the street. Get you a bagel and a greeting card. They sold gummy bears and ...

Bulk candy. Bulk candy. Greeting cards and Einstein's bagels. And Quiznos. It was the most bizarre mash-up of businesses. So, you have to get a get well card for someone. And by all means, complain about it to us, because no one's listening. Right, because you're the victim here.

You are the victim. It's not whoever is sick. And what? Is it that you need to get a card, or you've started shopping for cards and realized they all cost $9 a piece? Oh, is that what's going to happen? Yeah. Oh. See, I mean, the last time I—

He hadn't even got to complain about that part yet. Bought a card. I wouldn't be entirely—I'm not entirely sure it's this millennium. you haven't sent a greeting card in 22 years he is thoughtless there's email that's right i know well i haven't known anybody who's gotten sick in the last 22 years i've been very lucky seriously 22 years i don't know it's been a long time What has been wrong with you? The person in your home to whom you're related by marriage hasn't—

Requested a greeting card? No, hasn't— There have been requests for, you know— Hasn't gotten a card and said, here, I've bought this. Could you put this in the dishwasher? There are many requests. Could you sign this? I've taken the work.

Yes, yes, yes. I've signed cards that other more considerate people have gotten for somebody. Like, oh, this person's leaving, and we're wishing them well as they leave this office. and we'll sign this card. My God, nothing like getting caught up in the spirit of the season. It's December, and you're just like, no, I don't see the need to. Well, now that I've got you agitated, let's talk about your, and I'm pointing right now to Bill Mann, idea that you were pitching.

I don't even know how to summarize this one. Let me just set this up by saying that sometimes we will email each other, we'll forward things over email, and sometimes we will just, in a little Slack group chat, the three of us, just post things. And then sometimes it happens in real life. And sometimes it's things related to work, and other times it's, hey, what about this topic for Apropos of Nothing? And this happened recently. I think you had just gone on your trip your most recent trip so i don't think you were in the united states of america you may have been very jet lagged you may have been very jet lagged because what you what was

the exact wording the the question was hey i got a great idea uh is cereal soup this is not me saying this this is me reading bill man's words yeah uh with incredulity picture incredulity in my eyes reading these words here's a good topic how is it cereal soup here's something we could debate and and by the way here's people will love listening to all the interesting points that we have to bounce off of each other in analyzing this the problem here though was that there was no analyst analyzing at all you just went no that's the stupidest thing i've ever heard are bees rocks let's think about that

are bumblebees rocks let's kick this around what are you talking about if you squint your eyes hard enough and you twist your head a little bit is fish Cleveland yes that's exactly what I got back from you you hate cereal

this is part of your you have like a cereal derangement syndrome and this is what causes you to consider something as absurd as what you've brought up. Possibly. I don't eat cereal. I don't chew gum. I don't like ketchup.

But I am a non-picky eater. And you're gripe against cereal? It's a soup! It's the world's worst soup. But you like soup? I do like soup. Your logic is already failing.

A, it's not soup. And B, you like soup. So that's not it. Isn't it that you have this sort of deep-seated fear of things which get soggy or something? That is very true. Was there ever a point when you actually did, as a child, you did like cereal? Because we grew up in kind of a golden age of breakfast cereal. Oh, yeah.

I'm picturing. With, like, Kaboom. Yeah. And also just that. Quisp. We lived at a time when we were kids. Quisp was pretty good. When we were kids, cereals had names that were so straightforward and fun that when we were no longer children, people decided, we can't say this out loud.

We can't offer sugar smacks. Right, that's exactly the one I was thinking. Sugar is bad. Honey smacks. We're going honey smacks here. Crap. So when you were a kid, did you like cereal at all? It really actually is the – it's the function of cereal that I don't like.

And because particularly the greatest – What do you mean the function of cereal? I'm going to get there. Can I just interrupt? Would you let me finish? No. You pulled the bottle away from the microphone in order to open it so that people wouldn't hear, which runs counter to the way we usually do things here, which is to make a big production.

Out of the fact that we are now having a little bit more to drink. Yes. my favorite cereal and it's not even close from a flavor perspective is captain crunch but the problem with captain crunch is the moment it comes in contact with milk it immediately starts to degrade into like a paste so the only way as you would claim a soup yeah yeah well more More of a, yeah, more of a mush. I haven't had Captain Crunch in a while. Captain Crunch.

It's so good. It's so good, but it loses its structure almost instantly once it comes in contact with milk. So, the only solution is to have it in the spoon, put a little bit of milk in it, and eat it immediately. Do you ever eat dry cereal? Because you could just pop, you could have a little bowl and just, you know, milk, just pop those in? One could. I could. Okay.

I don't, but I could. Did you actually want to make the case that cereal is soup? Or was it, as both Barker and I suspected, you were jet-lagged from your trip? I was just... And punchy as hell. I was punchy as hell. Okay, that makes a lot more sense. Structurally, it is soup-like, though.

In what sense? It is some sort of solids in a bowl with liquid. Much like ice water is a soup. Much like ice water. Is ice water soup? I've never thought of it that way. I mean, hot chocolate's a soup. I'll get a spoon and I'll see how it goes.

Right. That was my point. Because you tried to push back. I was like, there's not a place in the world, including and especially Panera, which sells lots of soup that has cereal on the menu in their soup section. I'm going to start a restaurant called Cereal is a Soup and I'm going to kill it. something i'd raised uh right before we came here uh based on something you were circulating today uh it was guilty pleasures and uh my claim is that uh you you like a new york post headline but i think you feel a little bad about the degree to which a media establishment that you

you might have some issues with in general i don't know um for the I think you don't you don't partake of anything but the headlines of the front page of that particular newspaper kind of like we've talked you love those we've talked before about the onion and how so much of the humor from the onion is wrapped up in the headline and the photo and yes there are often but not always accompanying stories but and I've heard people who have worked at The Onion talk about, if you nail the headline, that's 90% of it, and then it just refluxes. And I think that friends of mine who live in New York City have talked about the appeal of the New York Post is the front page and the back page. The front page,

whatever the news is, and the back page, whatever is the sports. And I don't know if there exists within the organization itself, something that the three of us have talked about for years, which is almost like a trophy that travels from desk to desk. Like, if you come up with the headline of either the sports section on the back or the news section on the front of the newspaper, and it's like, oh, Jim got the headline today, he gets the trophy and he gets to keep it on his desk for 24 hours, whatever. But it's like, yeah, got to be such great bragging rights it's got to be amazing and it like i i do wonder like i would love to see that like sort of a behind the scenes coming up with that juxtaposed with

like the new york times where it's like you know here's here's a very important consequential newspaper and you know that's one of the chuck clusterman hypotheticals we'll get to those Okay. But just like one of them is, here are three, in some ways, fantastical news. I think the hypothetical from Chuck Klosterman, and for those unfamiliar, it's a series of 50 cards that you can buy. And it's Chuck Klosterman putting together this list of questions, because by his own admission, he hates small talk. He is not interested in small talk. He would much rather talk about sort of fantastical hypothetical situations, and one of them is three scenarios happen on the same day. Bigfoot is captured.

I think like a live Bigfoot is captured in the Pacific Northwest. I believe shot in the leg. But captured alive. The Loch Ness we find. The Loch Ness monster, like definitive proof of the Loch Ness monster in Scotland. And the president of the United States announces that he has— It's like a growth and it might be cancer. Right.

He's getting tested. Getting tested, but like the president of the United States may have like thyroid cancer, something like that. And the hypothetical question is, you are the executive editor of The New York Times. What is your lead headline? Are you asking me now? Are you Chuck Costner? But I'm just saying, like— Are we at the Times or the Post?

Well, that's the thing. Like, at the Times, it's almost certainly the president of the United States. Damn it. At the New York Post, it's like, I mean, the Loch Ness Monster, that's amazing. But this is America, and we have a live Bigfoot, and that's what we're going with. And we've had these headlines ready for years. Yeah. That was pre-written.

I'm going with the Loch Ness Monster. Are you really? Yeah. Why? uh just because of the like the president thing is is like presidents get thyroid cancer all the time you're never making it can i have the court reporter read back what you just said out loud presidents have thyroid cancer all the time it's just in the category of of things which which happen to people that are like the president or the president him or herself and and and so it's a

it's a very like that the here's the weird thing that none of the presidents have had thyroid cancer as far as we know as far as as far as we know like it's like oh yeah actually like most of them had it just never got out right they they used to bury that kind of thing like oh yeah now it all makes sense right whereas the loch ness monster like what wait that was real i'm buying this newspaper and i'm reading and they're breaking the story also apparently yeah yeah like they've they have broken all three of these stories do you think in the case because here's the advantage and they're not even they're not

even putting it on the website first they're putting it in the pale week today we're breaking records yeah we're selling more papers than ever before yeah because people are going to want to keep a physical copy of this. Have you seen the New York Times today? Go check it out. No, it's not on the website. You have to go out and buy it. The headline's got to be something like, Sasquatch, you owe your uncle an apology.

It's just occurring to me that the New York Post actually has an advantage over the New York Times because they have what amounts to two front pages. Like, the back page is just as, and often more, compelling than the front page. That's legit real estate for that. Yeah. Whereas, the New York Times is just like, you get the front page. Nobody cares what's on the back page. And by the way, nobody really cares what's on the front page of the sports section. There is no sports section now. In the New York Times? I don't think so. I think they've folded in.

They banned sports? I think during, I can't remember exactly when, but they like folded it into the business section or something. They understand this is America, though, right? Kind of on the nose for New York, though. Yeah, the New York Times. They write their own America. In a good way. It's an island off the

coast of America. Give them a break. That's fair. I think I have this right. If you could change anything in the major professional sports... You can set up the way you structured the hypothetical. You're given permission to change... You get to make one rule change.

One rule change in a major professional U.S. sport, and the goal has to be— To entertain yourself. No, no, no. This is going to make the fans love this sport more. So it's greater enjoyment. This is going to be a change that will increase excitement among the fans. So we know that it's not related to baseball because there's nothing that existing baseball fans— So here was my rule.

you get one free throw at somebody. It can't be at that. You can't go headhunting. But, like, one time, you just get to go, like, you're allowed. Johnny Damon, get up here. Wait, so pitcher gets to bean a guy. Pitcher gets to not bean, but, like, plunk. What are you talking about?

Bean's like going after the head, right? I'm sorry. I'm being dead serious. I just thought beaning a player meant hitting the player with the ball. You're saying beaning is specific to the head? It means hitting them in the bean. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Pay attention. This is why we have these conversations. Like, you get to go for the, you know, the bicep or, you know, the chest down. Yeah. I could be bad, too, though. We're keeping it just as safe as it's been. Gotta hit them somewhere in the meat. You can go for, like, whoever it is you most dislike, and it's just a ball.

That's what it is. it's a ball wait so do they know what's coming no no no at some point like you get in if one gets away from you you didn't mean to you can always just invoke they're like ah sorry that was my you know that was my one freebie yeah you only get one you gotta tip the hat so the guys come up and they're a little bit more on edge like it's already scary right to go up and face a major league pitcher right i once read somebody wrote a pretty good say i think it was george will i'm not sure maybe and like all baseball begins with like fear like that's part of what's happening when you walk up to the plate is like somebody is throwing a 95 mile an hour projectile

which may hit me and you have to be on alert for that at all times uh so now you magnify that by a lot so just so i'm clear the change you're making is the pitcher gets essentially one freebie let's say the pitcher is me and you're the hitter go ahead just so we just so we make this a little more concrete so you get to hit me yes and then i get to throw at you you get to throw i don't get to keep throwing at you until i hit you oh you don't no i thought you got to hit me oh if i hit you it's just a ball right but if i if i throw one behind your back because i'm wild and the ump's like dude that was your one throw and i can't i can't just i can't like do it six more times until i hit you that was my question my question was going to be does like at what point

does it become determined like hey that was my one because the way the rules are right now as i understand them is if you hit me i get to take first base and what you're saying is i step up to play, you hit me, and then I start going to first base, and you signal the ump like, no, no, no, no, no. That was my one. And it's like, oh, okay. Great. That's a ball. That's a ball.

Now, if I hit you again... Now I get to take first base. Now you get to take first base. If I can walk. And I probably get a warning at that point. I do like that you have to go back into the box and face another pitch, like, right away. You know,

I think it's got to be a four-point shot in basketball. What's the distance? Anything past midcourt. Four-point shot. Four points. It wouldn't go five? You could go whatever you want. You're the one making the change.

I'm asking questions here. I'm just saying, especially now that we see Steph Curry range, where he is routinely hitting threes from the ribbons, a four-point shot, anything past midcourt. Who is not playing that late in the game? Who is not playing it? If you need four. I think that's his point.

It's like, oh. We're down seven with 17 seconds left. Why aren't you shooting it from the lozenge for four? Or it's we're down 20 and there's four minutes left. It's like, I know how we're going to come back. Yeah. Hit a few of these four-pointers. Yeah.

You're not. You're not increasing your odds. Screw the odds. We're trying to make it more fun. You know, it's analytics people like you who are killing sports. Just killing sports. I'm about to take my one baseball throw at you. I think it's only if you're down four and the clock's running out that you use that.

You're much better off if you're down five going for a three, a normal three range. Maybe. And then, you know, getting the ball back. But see, here's where you're wrong, Bill Barker. Because for years after they put the three-point shot in, they didn't figure out the analytics of how valuable it was. and it really changed the game. And so now you see much more three-point shooting because of the odds. Make it a five-point shot.

Whatever the odds, whatever gets it so that it becomes a reasonable part of the game at some point. I think that it changes defenses, and it opens up around because you've got to start guarding people three-quarters court and you're not just trying to go in for a steal. You're actually guarding against a shot. I mean, okay, if we're really taking this seriously, are we taking anything seriously here?

Are we changing the show? Seriously, like, what is this? I don't think it's half court. I mean, I think there is a place where you start making things very interesting, making it a four-point shot, right? It's not half court. It's beyond the three-point line. Yeah, it's like another eight feet beyond the three-point line.

Thanks for jumping back onto my side I'm helping you rescue This damaged idea Unlike my perfected one You know You could see like oh yeah I'm watching a little bit more baseball Up until the guy gets plunked and then I'm

Switching over to the basketball game But I want to see that Because I want to see some fours So here's mine And I realize now that when I proposed this question Well over a month ago i had a different idea in mind and i don't now remember what that idea was i'm pretty sure it was tied to baseball but here's my idea and i've had this before it's hockey

my i'm lost already the prelude where are you just saying you had a better idea no i had a different idea different idea but here's here now this is your number two idea no this is this is number one with a bullet this is going to make people like you can shoot people in hockey Yes. It's going to make people like you and me who don't really watch hockey all that much say, I think I'm watching this now. I think I'm going to watch this. So this is NHL. NHL. Every game in the NHL has a minimum goal requirement. Every game has a minimum of nine goals to be scored. and there are targets throughout the game where if goals aren't scored people come off the ice so but by the end it's like two on two so it's six on six right is it six on six it's six on

six yeah it should be kind of goalies okay yeah i'm counting the goalies so it's six on six and uh my team's playing your team six on six and we're 10 minutes into the first period and no goals have been scored guess what each of our teams someone's coming off the ice now it's five on five so when you started out with this idea of an nhl thing which was going to get me to watch i thought i saw where you were going where did you think and now i realized just how wrong i was one of the skaters must be a mascot it's like gritty or you know you come up with the design whatever there's one person on the ice who does not have skates no no no they're a skating mascot it's gritty it's who you know whoever it's the big canadian guy whoever that

is it's like a abominable snowman right it's like squash squash right yukon cornelius in fact you could change your mascot every day dandy one day it could be yukon cornelius and then the next day it can be like Santa or whatever. But the design structure of the costume is mandated so that it's playable, but somewhat unhelpful. It's zany. One of your six non-goalie skaters, is that right? Six? Five? I'm telling you, 10 minutes in, no goal. By the way, we get to the end of the first period. We get to the end of the first period.

If it's still miraculously 0-0, guess what? We're starting the second period three on three. Three on three? Who's not watching that? Just write into Chris with which one of these ideas you like better. Podcastsatfull.com. Mascot? Oh, I thought, no, among the three.

Your baseball idea. All of the hockey purists. Well, my new idea is better. My mascot. It must be one of the skaters. So you led with your second best idea? Well, I just, you inspired me. I thought I saw where you were going with this.

How could you make the NHL better? Well, with Gritty on the ice, you know. The hockey purists who are listening right now are seething at you, by the way. They should write in. Yeah, they should write in. Are there hockey purists listening right now? Not anymore. I guess we'll find out.

There were a minute ago. This is nonsense. This is absolute nonsense. You latched on to something that I threw out yesterday, which was the classic McSweeney's decorative gourd. It's decorative gourd season, and I'm editing to keep it clean. But if you don't know that, McSweeney's gourds, Google, it's possible there will be a link in the show notes for those who may not know McSweeney's and the classic essay, it's Decorative Court Season.

Yes. Who would you have do a dramatic reading of that? Did you have an idea? You liked some part of it, I think. Oh, yeah. I think, I mean, Samuel L. Jackson is a great choice. I think you could also go in a different direction if you wanted to. Some of the names thrown out. Christopher Walken. Christopher Walken would be great. Sure. Dennis Leary. Dennis Leary

would be great. Let me throw you out another one. Will Arnett. Will Arnett. Lego Batman himself. Yeah. That would be great. Melissa McCarthy reading it I think would be fantastic. I think that would. She could read out of a phone book if such a thing existed anymore

Also, just to go in a slightly different direction, Helen Mirren. That's a very different direction. No, that's what I think would be Laurence Olivier. We have Queen Elizabeth II reading this for some reason. I don't know. No one knew she recorded this, but here we are. So, every Christmas, I take a moment to either read on my own or listen to the classic Dylan Thomas' A Child's Christmas in Wales. And, like, I mean, Dylan Thomas is long gone, but a voice like that reading that essay would be pretty amazing.

Soup. Cereal. Cheers. Merry Christmas. Same to you guys. Merry Christmas, baby. Sure did treat me nice. Merry Christmas, baby.

Sure did treat me nice. You gave me plenty of loving this morning I feel like I'm in paradise I'm feeling mighty fine now I got good music on my radio I'm feeling mighty fine now You got good music on my radio. Yeah, yeah. All right. You know I want to kiss you, baby. Underneath that mistletoe. Merry Christmas, baby

Sure been sweet this year My dear Merry Christmas, baby Sure been sweet this year To me, my dear I got what you've been asking for So won't you come right over here To me, girl

All right Santa came down the chimney About a quarter to three Left these cards and presents Right here for me Merry Christmas, baby Sure did treat me fine Sweet red wine

I ain't had a drink this morning I'm just as hot as a Georgia pie