Motley Fool Money - How Much Does Santa Weigh?

Episode Date: December 24, 2022

We're taking a break from investing and stock talk to discuss: - Santa's actual weight - Murder's surprising popularity as an entertainment device - Best movie Santas - Alcoholic holiday drinks - "Cereal Derangement Syndrome" - Fascination with the NY Post's front page - Rule changes we would make in the NBA, NHL, and MLB - Who should narrate a classic McSweeney's essay To cast your vote for your favorite sports rule change, email [e-mail]. Host: Chris Hill Guests: Bill Barker, Bill Mann Engineer: Rick Engdahl Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Thanks for dinner. I should get going now. Not without dessert. Done. Ordered on DoorDash. Delicious, but tomorrow's want graduation. Then let's bake him a cake. I'll order ingredients. No, no, no, no. For every reason to stay together, I DoorDash in La Casa. If you need a break from the holiday weekend, you're in the right place. Apropos of nothing starts now.

I'm Chris Hill and once again, we're taking a small break from investing and stock talk. If that's what you're looking for, we will be back with that on Tuesday. But if you're stressed out right now from the holidays or travel or you're missing someone, whatever's going on in your world, if you just need a distraction, hang out with me, Bill Barker and Bill Mann. As we talk about alcoholic holiday drinks, rule changes we would use to make sports more interesting to watch. And since it's Christmas, we start with a question about the big man himself. Listeners sending a question that I had not thought about before. And it's simply how much does Santa weigh?

There are practical questions here. That's a direct question that I've never truly thought about before. Depends on the Santa, obviously. Well, I think he's referring to the actual Santa. Right, come on. Not a fake Santa, not a movie Santa. All right, well. The actual Santa, and I'm thinking it's close to 300 pounds.

How's he getting into most houses? Magic. Yeah. Christmas magic. Yeah. But the question remains. The threshold question, is he an elf? He is, by some famous accounts, a right jolly old elf.

He is? I say that's canon. I describe him as elf curious for sure. Elf adjacent? Elf adjacent. I think elf adjacent. Yeah. Because he certainly is...

Half elf? He might be half elf. He is depicted in popular culture as being different from the elves themselves. He's obviously not like one of the Lord of the Rings elves. because they were more into the killing. Right. I mean, there's a new movie where Santa's doing some killing. Yes, it would be pretty awesome if you take like the Lord of the Rings, like Legolas, the elf.

That origin story is actually he becomes Santa. Well, I mean, they could be like a mismatch buddy cop, right? It could be. Like they're both elves, but one, you know, is facing Sauron and one is delivering toys. And they have to make it work. They have to make it work. Solve crimes. Together.

You and your crime. I always did wonder why it was that Jessica Fletcher wasn't implicated in more of the thousands of murders she was around. Even if just once in the third or fourth season, it's a side plot. Oh, yeah. It's just like, do we want to? I think she did it. Do we want to? We sure?

We don't want to accuse her of, you know. That's right. And she just kept such a great disposition around all the murder. Yeah. Well, look, I think that works. She's studied like there are actual murderers who, of whom it was said like, oh, such a nice neighbor. I never would have suspected. I mean, it's like, oh.

If you're the Cabot Cove mayor, you're getting her to move. Yeah, probably. I don't know. You've got a lot of murders going on. You need somebody to... I mean, despite the size of your town, I mean, your odds of being murdered in that town are about one and three. I was going to say, my memory of that show is it's not a particularly big town. No. Like most places in Maine. Not a big town. Right. Right. How's old man Johnson? I was murdered.

And this brings up a point, which I was asking you about. So, you know, the most popular topics for entertainment, you know, love, romance is number one. Topic A. Topic A. Topic A. Topic A, A, topic A, A, movie, TV series. And number two is murder. You know what? I've had a long day at the other. I don't really, I'm just going to relax and watch some murder. A bunch of murder shows. I'm just going to watch Law and Order for several hours. Or CSI. Yeah.

Or NCIS. What are Steve Martin and Martin Short? They're pretty funny. What are they working on? Murders in the building. It does get glossed over in most shows. It's just like, well, let's move on to the solving of the crime. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Any damage, apparently there is not any long-lasting damage by being around a murder. They are psychological tanks. I mean, could you imagine being around? What, being like a homicide detective? No, being like, no, being a muggle pulled into, you know, with a murder that happens right by you. You're like, oh, let's solve it.

No, I'm like, I am moving to Maui. Oh, you're talking about only murders in the building. Any of them. Oh, yeah, yeah. Any of them. There's sort of the civilians jump in. Yeah, the civilians jump in. There's absolutely no, like, psychological damage, like, you know.

Let's just solve it. No, let's not solve it. It's because it's entertaining. Yeah. It's fun. So I was watching Murderville last night on Netflix, Will Arnett, and Conan O'Brien in this particular episode. And it does start off with a murder by a magician. Oh, yeah, that episode.

Opening. So it's, yeah. I mean, it's a topic. You are being presented with apparent murders all the time. time, people being sought in half and generally going up in flames and things like that. Because it's fun, because it's entertaining. That's why. Because we've already been programmed through experience in society to recognize the entertainment value of apparent death. I think that many people in the entertainment industry would simply point to the scoreboard.

They would just say, here's this list of wildly popular shows. that print money for our network, season after season. And I think number one on that list of people who'd be happy to point that out is Dick Wolf. Oh, yeah. I don't think Dick Wolf exists. The man behind Law Order. Is he still alive? Who can tell?

He still makes like $70 million. Every year. He's on the top 10 list of who made the most money in Hollywood this year. And number eight, Dick Wolf. We're going to get back to how much to stand away because I feel like we've gone off on a tangent. Unpredictably, the three of us have gone off on a tangent. But here to continue with the Wolf theme, based on the last show we did, where we talked

about character arcs that we would like to see explored more, somebody wrote in. A listener wrote in and suggested from the Quentin Tarantino universe, Winston Wolf from Pulp Fiction. Yeah. And really, any of the origin stories for any of the color guys in reservoir dogs. See, and I feel like we kind of get, I think Tim Roth is Mr. Orange, and I think we kind to get his origin story because he's a cop. We get sort of the lead up to there.

We do. Got to know about Mr. Pink, though. Why am I pink? Yeah. Yeah. But the Wolf, you've got a lot to play with there. Oh, my God. Just a couple of minutes of screen time, you've got a lot to work with.

Yes. And it helps that it's played by Harvey Keitel. I mean, is he a superhero? How can he actually drive that fast? Is he the Flash? We don't know. Probably not. It just drives unbelievably fast.

He drives unbelievably fast. He introduces himself by saying, I'm Winston Wolf. I solve problems. And he proceeds to solve in Pulp Fiction. A huge problem for a complex. of the characters there. By the way, the solution didn't seem all that complex. It didn't.

Looking back on it, shouldn't they have been able to figure that part out themselves? Clean the blood out of the car. And dispose of it somewhere. That was the entire, you know, issue, right? And yet, it takes Winston Wolfe, who is the person in charge, tells everyone what want to do. They do it, for the most part, without complaining. He's got the connection at the junkyard. He knows this is the junkyard where the car is going to go, and this car and this body will disappear, and no one will be the wiser. He has, God knows how much cash in his pocket

to buy Quentin Tarantino's character. Jimmy. Jimmy. Jimmy. A brand new bed set. And, And so... And he gets a good cup of coffee in. He does get... While doing all that. He likes it. Mm. A lot of cream.

A lot of sugar. And by the way, that might be the only surprising thing about Winston Wolfe. That he takes his coffee with a lot of cream and a lot of things. He seems like a just black coffee. It's like going to Dunkin' Donuts. Right. Yeah. Maybe that's part of the origin story.

You grew up in Boston. He somehow lost the accent for the movie. So he grew up in Woonsocket, and that's... Shout out to Woonsocket. Nice. Getting back to Santa. What do you think he was? You brought this up.

You must have a hot take. I think he's somewhere in the range of 275. I don't think it's quite 300 pounds because I think he's, I don't think he's like 6-5. Is he above 6 feet? You don't think he's a mountain man. You think he's pudgy. I don't think he's pudgy. I think he's probably somewhere in the range of 6 feet, 6-2, and goes 275, and a lot of it is in his gut.

I think he's like 5, 10, max. Really? He's half-Elf. And he's old. Yeah, there's that. He started shrinking a little bit. So you're saying his weight is what? I mean, he's like Ed Asner.

Okay. You know, one of the best movie Santas, Ed Asner. Is he the best, though? Is Ed Asner the best? Is Ed Asner in Elf the best movie Santa? Oh. He's on the short list. I think he's on the short list, too. I think...

Don't you think that the... I think Paul Giamatti and Fred Claus is on the short list. And I think Sir Richard Attenborough doesn't get it, but he's on the short list because he's Sir Richie. So in the Bizarroa category, what about Dan Aykroyd from trading places? Was that a good Santa? Well, he's not... Eating the salmon... Right. He's not actually Santa.

That's a separate category. But yeah, that's... People wearing a Santa costume. And we'll get to that. But Rudolph, in Rudolph, that's Santa. It's a pretty good Santa. He's a pretty good Santa. He's a pretty good Santa. He certainly passed.

He's not 300. He's not 275. Not at the beginning. I mean, he puts about 100 pounds on in the week before Christmas. Right. So he's probably, yeah, because he's not tall. Because you put him next to Yukon-Cornelius. That's a man. Mrs. Claus is towering over him.

Is she? I think so. Isn't part of that her hair? Like she's got like that serious beehive thing going on. So we've solved what Santa ways? I think we're somewhere in the ballpark of between 2 and 300 pounds. I think that's fair depending on his height. You know what?

I'm going to say 240 to 280. 205 and 295 are very different. Okay. So let's go like 240 to 280. Yeah, he's more than 240, unless he's like 5'4. He could be building. like a speed bump. Might need more reindeer. A follow-up question from the same listener. Is Santa diabetic? Lots of cookies and milk to

consume on Christmas. I think he absolutely has to go into detox after that. Yeah, that's probably why he loses the weight. I mean, he's just really, we just know about him eating all those cookies at Christmas. Right. Now, again, given the partial elf nature of him and the elf diet, which is candy, candy corn, candy canes, and syrup. Yeah. You're saying the glucose levels might be

different for elves than humans. He's partially made of sugar. Yeah, that's probably true. Mount Rushmore of holiday drinks, alcoholic holiday drinks. Are there other holiday drinks that are alcoholic besides eggnog? Sure.

There's mold wine. Like glue vine, which is absolutely number one. Okay. Is that mold wine? Yeah. Or did you just make up a word that I've never heard in my life? You've never heard that word? What is it, glue vine?

Glovine. All of the Germans are nodding along right now saying, yeah. The three Germans who are listening right now? Yes, correct. You sent out some data recently about where the listeners are in the world. And as we've discussed, there are dozens. Yeah. But number four, I think on the list, surprised me.

Maybe it was four or five. Was it Singapore? Yeah. Yeah. Like four? On a percentage, or not on a percentage basis, but on an absolute basis, Singapore, I think, is fifth. So pretty much everybody there.

Yeah, because Singapore is five and a half million people, I think. Yeah. So. And we've got seven. Listeners, so that's great. All the dozens, at least five people in this country, one in Canada, one in England, Australia. Yeah.

One in Ireland. Yeah, there's only a few. Okay, so Mold Wine. Yes. I've heard of Mold Wine. That's an alcoholic holiday drink. Are there others? Like, I'm genuinely asking it because I can't off the top of my head think of any.

And by the way, I don't know how old I was when I learned that Eggnog. eggnog has alcohol in it because there used to, you know, dairies would sell in the grocery store non-alcoholic eggnog, which when I was seven years old, that was it. Tasted amazing. It was sweet, creamy. It was fantastic. And then later it was like, wait, what? People put what in this?

Yeah. What are the grown-ups drinking? What I'm drinking so much better. Going back to the pre-dude times, I would think that like white Russians. kind of a winter drink. You think the Big Lobowski popularized White Russians? I think the Big Lobowski, it spread it across the year. Okay.

What time of year do you suppose the Big Lobowski? It's in Southern California, so it's kind of seasonless. It is kind of seasonless. The only thing we know is it's early in the month because the guy... It's early in the... Whatever month it is. Whatever month it is, the guy comes. It's like, you know, tomorrow's the 10th.

You do, just want to remind you, you know. As your landlord, tomorrow's the 10th. I'm not sure that Mount Rushmore gets four all-star drinks for holiday spirits. Was there anything else related to Christmas you wanted to touch on, or did you want to go to the thing? Where we're going to go? Yeah, where we're going to go. I don't know. You know, at one point, you had said somebody wanted us to revisit the concept of Kringle P.I.

A couple of people have just mentioned that on social media and, you know, but I think, you know. I think we beat that one into the ground. It's a grand total of two. Yeah. A grand total of two people. We have had people say that is a treatment that you should absolutely write up and shop around. I think it's a limited series. They're, they're so.

This is America. There's no such thing as a limited series. Yeah. We're all already on the season. season two. Are we? But as long as season two is on a streaming service where it's like, I just want to do eight episodes, don't make me do network television where it's like 22 episodes.

Like, oh, God. I wrote a treatment of, you know, you in a Hallmark Christmas movie, which is ready. If anybody out there is looking for like a four-page treatment of a, really an instant classic. Sure. Drop an email to Podcasts at Fool.com. Yeah, because it's done, and it's right up there. And based on the article I read from, I think it was Forbes last year, breaking down the economics of Christmas movies, there's a decent chance that thing will get made.

Because the economics of Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel are phenomenal. I'll let Hallmark have this one for free because I just want it. You just want the writing credit. I just want to be able to say. Yeah. Hallmark gave me a call. Yeah. All right.

That's all. Can we get them to say inspired by a true story? I have to go out. Absolutely. And get a get-well card for somebody. And you don't make? I'm not making it. What about a tasteful handwritten note?

Have you thought about that? The handwritten note is going to be on the card. Like a bunch of people. Parker's handwriting is legitimately terrible. Yeah. But I can throw no stones at this glass house. Someone with objectively terrible handwriting. Is this the thing that still exists?

a store that sells only, like, greeting cards? Yeah. Well, not only greeting cards, but there are certainly, like, paper source. That's a store that... Right, so I could go there? Yeah, you can go there. I can no longer go across the street to the bizarre place across the street. Get you a bagel and a greeting card.

They sold, like, gummy bears, and... Bulk candy. Bulk candy. Greeting cards and Einstein's bagels. Yeah, and Quiznos. And Quiznos. And Quiznos. It was like the most bizarre mashup of businesses.

But so you have to get a get well card for someone. Yeah. And by all means, complain about it to us because no one's listening. Right. Because you're the victim here. You are the victim. It's not whoever is sick. And what?

Is it that you need to get a card or you've started shopping for cards and realize they all cost $9 a piece? Oh, is that what's going to happen? Yeah. Oh. See, I mean, the last time I hadn't even got to complain about that part yet. Bought a card. It was, I wouldn't be entirely. I'm not entirely sure it's this millennium.

You haven't sent a greeting card in 22 years? He is thoughtless. There's email. That's right, I know. Well, I haven't known anybody who's gotten sick in the last 22 years. I've been very lucky. Seriously, 22 years? I don't know. It's been a long time.

What has been a long time? The person in your home to whom you're related by marriage hasn't requested a greeting card? There have been requests for, you know. Hasn't gotten a card and said, here, I've bought this. Could you put this in the dishwasher? There are many requests. Could you sign this? I've taken the work.

You know, I've done. Yes, yes, yes. I've signed cards and other more considerate people have gotten for somebody like, oh, this person's leaving and we're wishing them well as they leave this office. and we'll sign this card. My God, nothing like getting caught up in the spirit of the season. It's like it's December. And you're just like, no, I don't see the need to.

Well, now that I've got you agitated, let's talk about your, and I'm pointing right now to Billman idea that you were pitching. Do you want to, I don't even know how to summarize this one. Let me just set this up by saying that sometimes we will email each other forward. We'll forward things over email, and sometimes we will just in a little slack group chat, the three of us, just post things. And then sometimes it happens in real life. And sometimes it's things related to work. And other times it's, hey, what about this topic for apropos of nothing?

And this happened recently. I think you had just gone on your trip, your most recent trip. So I don't think you were in the United States of America. You may have been very jet lagged. You may have been very jet lagged. Because what you, what was the exact wording? The question was, hey, I got a great idea. Is cereal soup?

This is not me saying this. This is me reading Bill Mann's words. Yeah. With incredulity. Picture incredulity in my eyes reading these words. Here's a good topic. Is cereal soup? Here's something we could debate.

And by the way, here's something. People will love listening to all the interesting. points that we have to bounce off of each other in analyzing this. The problem here, though, was that there was no analyzing at all. You just went, no, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Are bees rocks? Let's think about that. Are bumblebees rocks? It's like, let's kick this around. What are you talking about this? If you squit your eyes hard enough and you twist your head a little bit, is fish Cleveland? Yes, that's exactly what I got back from you. But I...

You hate cereal. This is part of your... I do hate cereal. You have like a serial derangement syndrome. Yeah, I don't like cereal at all. And this is what causes you to consider something as absurd as what you've brought up. Possibly. I don't eat cereal.

I don't chew gum. I don't like ketchup. But I am a non-picky eater. And you're gripe against cereal? It's a soup. So it's the world's worst soup. But you like soup? I do like soup.

So your logic is already failing. A, it's not soup. And B, you like soup. So that's not it. Isn't it that you have this sort of deep-seated fear of things which get soggy or something? That is very true. Was there ever a point when you actually did as a child, you did like cereal? Because we grew up in kind of a golden age of breakfasts.

Oh, yeah. I'm picturing. With like, kaboom. Yeah. And also just that. Quisp. We lived at a time when we were kids. Quisp was pretty good.

Yeah. When we were kids, cereals had names that were so straightforward and fun that when we were no longer children, people decided we can't say this. We can't offer sugar smacks. Right. That's exactly the one I was thinking. Sugar is bad. Honey smacks. We're going honey smacks here. It's crap.

So when you were a kid, did you like cereal at all? It really actually is the, it's the function of cereal that I don't like. And because particularly the greatest function of cereal, I'm going to get there. Can I just interrupt? Would you let me finish? No. You pulled the bottle away from the microphone in order to open it so that people wouldn't hear, which runs.

counter to the way we usually do things here, which is to make a big production. Out of the fact that we are now having a little bit more to drink. Yes. My favorite cereal, and it's not even close, from a flavor perspective, is Cap and Crunch. But the problem with Cap and Crunch is the moment it comes in contact with milk, it immediately starts to degrade into like a paste. So the only way that... Or, as you would claim, a soup. Yeah.

Yeah, well, more of a, yeah, more of a mush. I haven't had Captain Crunch in a while. Captain Crunch. It's so good. It's so good. But it loses its structure almost instantly once it comes in contact with milk. So the only solution is to have it in the spoon, put a little bit of milk in it, and eat it immediately. Do you ever eat dry cereal?

Because you could just pop the, you have a little bowl and just, you could. You could. You could. You could. One could. I could. Okay. I don't. But it could. Did you actually want to make the case that cereal is soup?

Or was it, as both Barker and I suspected, you were jet-lagged from your trip? I was just. And punchy as hell. I was punchy as hell. Okay. That makes a lot more sense. Structurally, it is soup-like, though. In what sense? It is some sort of solids in a bowl with liquid.

Much like ice water is a soup. Much like ice water. Is ice water soup? I've never thought of it that way, but... Hot chocolate's a soup. I'll get a spoon and I'll see how it goes. Right. That was my point.

Because you tried to push back. I was like, there's not a place in the world, including an especially Panera, which sells lots of soup that has cereal on the menu in their soup section. I'm going to start a restaurant called cereal. a soup and I'm going to kill it. Something I'd raised right before we came here based on something you were circulating today is guilty pleasures. And my claim is that you like a New York Post headline, but I think you feel a little bad about the degree to which a media establishment that you might have some issues

with in general, I don't know, for the... You don't partake of anything but the headlong. lines of the front page of that particular newspaper. Do you know? You love those. We've talked before about The Onion and how so much of the humor from the Onion is wrapped up in the headline and the photo. And yes, there are often, but not always, accompanying stories.

And I've heard people who have worked at The Onion talk about, if you nail the headline, that's 90% of it. And then you just rights itself. And I think that friends of mine who live in New York City have talked about, the appeal of the New York Post is the front page and the back page. The front page, whatever the news is, and the back page, whatever is the sports. And I don't know if there exists within the organization itself, something that the three of us have talked about for years, which is almost like a trophy. that travels from desk to desk?

Like, whoever, like, if you come up with the headline of either the sports section on the back or the news section on the front of the newspaper, and it's like, oh, Jim got the headline today. He gets the trophy, and he gets to keep it on his desk for 24, whatever. But it's like, yeah, it's got to be such great bragging rights. It's got to be amazing.

And, like, I do wonder, like, I would love to see that, like, sort of a behind-the-scenes, coming up with that, juxtaposed with the New York Times, where it's like, you know, here's a very important consequential newspaper. And, you know, that's one of the Chuck Closterman hypotheticals. We'll get to those. Okay. But just like one of them is, here are three fan, in some ways, fantastical news.

I think the hypothetical from Chuck Closterman, and for those unfamiliar, it's a series of 50 cards that you can buy. And it's Chuck Klosterman putting together this list of questions because by his own admission, he hates small talk. He is not interested in small talk. He would much rather talk about sort of fantastical, hypothetical situations. And one of them is three scenarios happen on the same day. Bigfoot is captured. I think a live Bigfoot is captured in the Pacific Northwest. They've shot in the leg. Yeah.

But capture alive. And the Loch Ness we find the Loch Ness monster, like definitive proof of the lockness monster in Scotland. And the President of the United States announces that he has... It's like a growth and it might be cancer. Right. He's getting testing. Getting tested, but like the President of the United States may have like thyroid cancer, something

like that. the hypothetical question is you are the executive editor of the New York Times. What is your lead headline? Are you asking me now? I am, but I'm just saying, like... Are we at the Times or the Post? Well, that's the thing. Like, at the Times, it's almost

certainly the President of the United States. At the New York Post, it's like, I mean, the Lachnais sponsor, that's amazing. But this is America, and this was in... And we have a lot of... live Bigfoot, and that's what we're going with. And we've had these headlines ready for years. That was pre-written. I'm going with the Lachness Monster.

Are you really? Yeah. Why? Just because of the, like, the president thing is, like, presidents get thyroid cancer all the time. You're never making it as well. Can I have the court reporter read back what you just set out. presidents have thyroid cancer all the time? It's just in the category of things which happen to people that are like the president

or the president, him or herself. And so it's a very, like, here's the weird thing that none of the presidents have had thyroid cancer as far as we know. As far as we know. It's like, oh, yeah, actually, like most of them had it just never got out, right? They used to bury that kind of thing. like oh yeah now it all makes sense

right whereas the lockness munch like what wait that was real I'm buying this newspaper and I'm reading and they're breaking the story also apparently

yeah yeah like they've they have broken all three of these stories do you think in the case because here's the advantage and they're not even they're not even putting it on the website first. They're putting it in the pale of week.

Today, we're breaking records. We're selling more papers than ever before. Because people are going to want to keep a physical copy of this. Have you seen the New York Times today? Go check it out on the – no, it's not on the website. You have to go out and buy it. The headlines got to be something like, Sasquatch. You owe your uncle an apology.

It's just occurring to me that the New York Post actually has an advantage over the New York. New York Times because they have what amounts to two front pages. Like the back page is just as and often more compelling than the front page. That's legit real estate for that. Yeah. Whereas the New York Times, it's just like, you get the front page. Nobody cares what's on the back page. And by the way, nobody really cares what's on the front of the page of the sports section.

There is no sports section now. In the New York Times? I don't think so. I think they've folded it in. They banned sports? I think during... I can't remember exactly when, but they like folded into the business section or something.

They understand this is America though, right? Kind of on the nose for New York, though. In the New York Times. They write their own America. In a good way. It's an island off the coast of America. Give them a break. That's fair.

I think I have this right. If you could change anything in the major professional sports. You can set up the way you structured the hypothetical. You're given permission to change You get to make... One rule, one rule change. One rule change in a major professional U.S. sport. Okay.

And the goal has to be... To entertain yourself. No, no. This is going to make the fans love this sport more. So it's greater enjoy... Like, this is going to be a change that will increase excitement among the fans. So we know that it's not related to baseball because there's nothing. that existing baseball fans like here was my rule

you get one three one free throw at somebody it can't be at that you can't go headhunting but like one time you just get to go like Johnny Damon get up here I'm I'm getting a guy pitcher gets to being a guy pitcher gets to not bean but like plunk what are you talking about

beans like going after the head I'm sorry I'm being dead serious I just thought being a player meant hitting the player with the ball. You're saying beaning is specific to the head? It means hitting them in the bean. Oh, okay. Yeah. Pay attention. So you get why we have these

conversations. Like you get to go, you get go for the, you know, the bicep or the, you know, the chest down, down, like, yeah, yeah. I could be bad too, though. We're keeping it just as safe as it's been, but you get... Got to hit him somewhere in the meat. You can just, you can go

for like whoever it is you most dislike, and it's just a ball. That's what it is. It's a ball. Do they know it's coming? No, no, no. At some point, like, you get, and if one gets away from you, you didn't mean to, you can always just invoke the like, oh, sorry, that was my, you know, that was my one freebie. You only get one.

You got to tip the hat. So the guys come up and they're a little bit more on edge. Like, it's already scary, right, to go up and face a major league pitcher. I once read somebody who wrote a pretty good say, I think it was George Will. I'm not sure, maybe. And like, all baseball begins with, like, fear. Like, that's part of what's happening when you walk up to the plate is, like, somebody is throwing a 95-mile-hour projectile, which may hit me.

And you have to be on alert for that at all times. So now you magnify that by a lot. So just so I'm clear, the change you're making is the pitcher gets essentially one freebie. Let's say the pitcher is me and you're the hitter. Go ahead. Just so we make this a little more concrete. So you get to hit me and then

I get to throw at you. You get to throw at you. If I don't get to keep throwing at you until I hit you. Oh, you don't? No. I thought you got to hit me. Oh, if I hit you, it's just a ball. Right. But if I throw one behind your back because I'm wild and the ump's like, dude, that was your one

throw. And I can't I can't just, I can't just, like, do it six more times until I hit you. That was my question. My question was going to be, like, at what point does it become determined, like, hey, that was my one? Because the way the rules are right now, as I understand them, is if you hit me, I get to take first base. And what you're saying is, I step up to play, you hit me. And then I start going to first base, and you signal the hump like, no, no, no, no, no. That was my one.

And it's like, oh, okay, come on back. Great. That's a ball. That's a ball. That's a ball. Now, if I hit you again... Now you get to take first place. Now you get to take first place.

If I can walk. And I probably get a warning at that point. I do like that you have to go back into the box and face another pitch. Like right away. You know, I think it's got to be a four-point shot in basketball. What's the distance? Anything past mid-court. Four-point shot.

Four points. it wouldn't go five? You can go whatever you want. You're the one making the change. I'm asking questions here. I'm just saying, especially now that we see Steph Curry range, where he is routinely hitting threes from the ribbons, a four-point shot, anything past mid-court.

Who is not playing that late in the game? Who is not playing it? Like, meaning like... If you need four? If you need... I think that's his point. It's like, oh... We're down seven with 17 seconds left.

why aren't you shooting it from the lozange for four? Or we're down 20 and there's four minutes left. It's like, I know how we're going to come back. Yeah. Hit a few of these four pointers. Yeah. You're not increasing your odds. Screw the odds.

We're trying to make it more fun. You know, it's analytics people like you who are killing sports. Just killing sports. I'm about to take my one baseball throw. I think it's only if you're down four and the clock's running out that you use that. You're much better off. you're down five going for a three at normal three range. Maybe.

And then, you know, getting the ball back. But see, here's where you're wrong, Bill Barker. Because for years after they put the three-point shot in, they didn't figure out the analytics of how much, how valuable it was. And it really changed the game. And so now you see much more, you see much more three-point shooting because of, because of the odds. Make it a five-point shot.

Whatever the odds, whatever gets it so that it becomes a reasonable part of the game at some point. I think that it changes defenses and it opens up around because you've got to start guarding people three quarters court and you're not just trying and going for a steal. You're actually guarding against a shot. I mean, okay, if we're really taking this seriously, are we taking anything seriously here? Are we changing the show? It's seriously like, what is this? I don't think it's half-core. I mean, I think there's a place where you start making things very interesting,

making it a four-point shot, right? It's not half-court. Because even step- It's beyond the three-point line. Yeah, it's like another eight feet beyond the three-point line. All right. I can see that. Fine. Thanks for jumping back onto my side as opposed to-

I'm helping you rescue this damaged idea, unlike my perfected one. that you know you could see like oh yeah I'm watching a little bit more baseball up until the guy gets plunked and then I'm you know switching over to the basketball game but I want to see that because I want to see some force so here's mine here's mine and I realize now that when I proposed this question well over a month ago I had a different idea in mind

and I don't now remember what that idea was I'm pretty sure it was tied to baseball but here's my idea and I've had this before it's hockey I'm lost already. The prelude, are you just saying you had a better idea? No, I had a different idea. Different idea.

But now this is your number two idea. No, this is number one with a bullet. This is going to make people like you. You can shoot people in hockey? Yes. It's going to make people like you and me who don't really watch hockey out that much. I think I'm watching this now. I think I'm going to watch this.

So this is an NHL. NHL. Yeah. Every game in the NHL has a. minimum goal requirement. Every game has a minimum of nine goals to be scored. And there are targets throughout the game where if goals aren't scored, people come off the ice. So by the end, it's like two on two.

So it's six on six. Right. Is it six on six? It's six on six. It should be count the goalies. Okay. Yeah, I'm counting the goalies. So it's six on six, and my team's playing your team, six on six, and we're ten minutes into the first period and no goals have been scored.

Guess what? Each of our teams, someone's coming off the ice. Now it's five on five. So when you started out with this idea of an NHL thing, which was going to get me to watch, I thought I saw where you were going. Where did you think of my point? And now I realized just how wrong I was. One of the skaters must be a mascot. It's like gritty.

Or, you know, you come up with the design, whatever. There's one person on the ice who does not have skates. No, no, no. They're a skating mascot. It's gritty. It's whoever. It's the big Canadian guy, whoever that is. It's like an abominable snowman.

It's like squash, right? Yukon Cornelius. In fact, you could change your mascot every day. One day it could be Yukon Concord. Ornielius, and then the next day can be like Santa or whatever. But it's got the design structure of the costume is mandated so that it's playable, but you know, somewhat unhelpful. It's zany.

One of your six non-goly skaters, is that right? Six? Five? Six. I'm telling you, 10 minutes in, no goal. By the way, we get to the end of the first period. We get to the end of the first period. If it's still miraculously zero-zero, guess what?

starting the second period three on three. Do you, three on three? Just right in. Just right into Chris with which one of these ideas you like better. Podcasts at full.com. Mascot or like, oh, I thought no, among the three. All of the hockey. Your baseball idea.

All of the hockey purists. Well, my new idea is better. My mascot. It must be one of the skaters. So you led with your second best idea? Well, I just, you inspired me. I thought I thought I saw where you were going with this eye. How could you make the NHL better?

Well, with gritty on the ice, you know. The hockey purists who are listening right now are seething at you, by the way. They should write in. Yeah, they should write in. Are there hockey purists listening right now? Not anymore. I guess we'll find out. There were a minute ago.

This is nonsense. This is absolute nonsense. You latched on to something I threw out yesterday, which was the classic McSweeney's, decorative gourd. It's decorative gourd season, and I'm editing to keep it clean. But if you don't know that, McSweeney's, Gords, Google. It'll get you there. It's possible there'll be a link in the show notes for those who may not know McSweeney's and the classic essay, it's decorative court season. Yes. Who would you have to do a dramatic reading of that? Did you have an idea? You liked some part of it, I think.

Oh, yeah. I think, I mean, Samuel L. Jackson is a great choice. I think you could also go in a different direction if you wanted to. Some of the names thrown out, Christopher Walker. Christopher Walker would be great. Sure. Dennis Leary. Dennis Leary would be great. Let me throw you out another one. Will Arnett. Will Arnett, Lego Batman himself.

Yeah. Yeah, that would be great. Melissa McCarthy reading it, I think would be fantastic. Yeah, I think that would. She could read out of a phone book if such a thing existed anymore. Also, just to go in a slightly different direction? Helen Mirren. That's a very different direction.

I know. That's what I think would be. Lawrence Lillivier. Yeah, I mean, just like. We have Queen Elizabeth II reading this for some reason. I don't know. No one knew she recorded this. But here we are.

So every Christmas, I take a moment to either read on my own or listen to the classic Dylan Thomas, a child's Christmas in Wales. And like, I mean, Dylan Thomas is long gone, but a voice like that, reading that essay would be pretty amazing. Cereal. Cheers. Christmas bread. Same to you guys.