My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 131: Outliers

Episode Date: December 3, 2012

Justin learned the power of his own shirtless form, Travis read a whole book (without help!) and Griffin got engaged. It truly is an important week for our family's growth and well-being. Suggested talking points: The Quintuple B, M'load, Garfield Surgery, The Time Travis Almost Saw Neil Diamond, Dildos in Disguise, Shoe Slogans, Secret Butt Presses, Gift of the Magerbil

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome, my brother, my brother, me, and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy, and I'm doing this one shirtless. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy, and I'm wearing multiple shirts to make up for that fact. I am your baby brother Griffin McElroy, and I am talking to you with my wiener.

Ladies and gentlemen, you're not curious about that at all. You're already moving on, you don't want to know how it's working. I don't want to think about it. Is it like a ventriloquist puppetry of the penis kind of thing? I can't do this with you. It is sort of puppetry of the penis, yes, Travis, except it's a very literal translation of that idea. Let's just say I've been working on my urethra control. Justin, you want to keep going? Yeah, I'm just going to. Ladies, let me paint you a picture. I have just arrived from the shower. I've got my two tight leavers on. My hair is still dripping wet. Do you guys know Joe Mangliano, the werewolf from True Blood? Are you talking about this?

Okay, imagine him, except now imagine Joe Pantliano from The Matrix. That's what you're getting right now. Or perhaps actress Taylor Liano. Or perhaps Chuck Mangione. Imagine Luigi and Mario standing on top of each other. Just arms and legs and mustaches everywhere. That's me right now. This is an advice show for the modern era where we take your quandaries and we turn them out alchemy like into wisdom and knowledge. And I think growth, I think that's really our sort of focus has been in 2012 is growth. I want everyone to better themselves and I want to be the vehicle upon which you ride to betterness town. We want to be the hoverboard that you take to better city. That was actually the title of Joel Austin's last book. What's the hoverboard

you take to? Don't get fucking brainy with us. Trying to say in names that you think people know. He's the religious guy. He's the mega preacher. Oh, so he's like the religious version of Malcolm Gladwell? No, he's the religious version of Tony Robbins, basically. Tony Robbins is anti-religion? No, Tony Robbins teaches you to believe in yourself and Joel Austin teaches you that God believes enough for the both of you. There's a tiny God inside of you that you should also believe in. Does he have giant teeth? They all do. You really can't be a leader of men without big chompers. That is leadership. I'm surprised that the vehicle that we used to start the show wasn't my recent engagement. It's not like I get that it's like already old news,

I guess, for you guys. Well, you were keeping, I thought you were keeping it like a secret. I mean, like you haven't gotten it to social media. Well, just because I haven't tweet blasted it, you think I'm fucking ashamed of my new bride to be? You're saying this is an exclusive for MBNBA and listeners. Oh, we're dropping this bomb. Sorry, ladies. Hearts broken. The whole crew is taken. And suddenly a gasp went out from a costly land. Sorry, ladies, and so inclined dudes. Well, there's one over affectionate dogs. Well, I'll take it where I can get it, I guess. Well, are you saying what I think you're saying, Travis? Listen, dogs on Hump Griffin Lake. Dogs want to fuck this. I can't, like, I am flattered. That's all I'm gonna say about the matter is that I'm

flattered, but I can't anymore. Legally. Legally, you can't, or else she will take me. She will take everything. You've built something. You're trying to build something. We're trying to build it all. I told you not to sign that pre-preen up. Yeah, it's a pre-pre, and it is, let's just say it does not favor this guy. Let's just say if shit go rough, I'm gonna need a place to crash for a while. I got a fruit on, so. Pardon? You know you're gonna have to explain what that is, right? Like, why did you even pause? It's a futon that I left an apple on for you to eat. So there's a really fruit on it. Cotton-ittle breakfast, baby. Okay. If you're good, you get a croissant there. Um, we're registered at Bath & Body Works, if you want to.

Just Bath & Body Works? Just Bath & Body Works, yeah. Both of our skin is just so fucking ashy, like, we need it. You should have gone to bed and breakfast and Bath & Body Works and beyond. That's my place. The quint. The quint's up'll be. You should have gone to the Better Business Bureau, Bed, Bath, Works and Beyond. I had all these goose prepared to talk about it, like how I proposed to her by firing her ring at her from a t-shirt cannon. And she was tragically killed, and she's not going to be on the market again. I had to dig it out of her arm, and then it was very romantic after that. After that one hiccup. I feel like this is going to be a really good one. I think maybe I've been, by not,

by doing it shirt head for so long, that I've been hiding my lighter under a bush a little bit. Yeah, I think so. I think so too. But if you, like, when I'm around, if you could keep that bush all on hand still, that would be great for me. Sure. Well, I don't want to expel all my energy. Hey, let's get into some advice here. I want to help some people. Congratulations, Griffin. Oh, thanks, brothers. Oh, God. I don't need to congratulate you on our program. I did it in, like, real life. Yeah, but millions of people didn't fucking hear that, Justin. I want them to know that you approve. All right. Okay. Okay. Millions? Yeah. You're assuming that, like, after our crime spree, profilers by the millions are going to return to

these clips and look for clues that they missed a lot. Once my episode of Doomsday Preppers goes live, like, my Google profile is going to explode. I can't keep up with all these alerts. I'm getting Google alerts daily. Thank you, Doomsday Preppers. I really hitched it. Hey, Griffin. Hey, what? I just want to say I'm very proud of you and congratulations. Yeah, I love you. Well, thank you, Travis. Justin just feels kind of, it feels a little, I'm a little hollow. It feels a little forced at this point. I shouldn't really have to ask for it. Have you guys decided what reality TV shows you're going to be participating in? Are we going to go? Oh, great question. Say yes to the dress. Amazing race. Say yes to the dress Atlanta. I'm doing the action. Oh, three weddings.

What's three weddings? Three weddings that you've never seen where three different women are getting married and then they go to each other's weddings or is it like four weddings? I don't know. There's multiple weddings and then they judge each other's weddings and then whoever they decide had the best wedding gets a free honeymoon. Hmm. That's really is quite atrocious, but I was thinking we would just do, we would just do Doomsday Preppers, but like a wedding edition. Yeah. So like maybe we could plan on getting married right on December 21st, 2012, and then like just sort of, just sort of get ready for, for old Quetsy to come out of the

ground and swallow this whole, but like maybe we do it romantically planning around that. 19 days left people. 19 days left. What if we mount him and write him into the, into the heavens with our love? Now that would be a truly, that's technically a loping, I think. I think so too. Let's get him the advice. Let's get him the questions. I'm ready to help. I have a co-worker who has a language issue. He seems to think the phrase. Okay. Okay. He seems. God, you are 14 years old. Okay, I can do this. I can do this. He seems to think the phrase blow my load means the same as the phrase blow my top. He uses it frequently to describe when

he feels angry. Needless to say, we all find this hilarious, but I don't want him to hurt his career. These are this phrase. Should I ruin this beautiful situation by telling him or keep it a secret until it gets old? That's from amused in New Orleans. Is it possible that your co-worker just finds really random shit erotic? Yeah. I swear to God, if the boss tells me to finish our reports sooner, one more time, I'm going to blow my load. Maybe he's like a very, he's a weird sort of like SNM guy where it's not like he wants, he wants a lady to step on his balls. He just like, he just kind of wants the printer to act up. You know? He kind of just wants to, you know, forget his lunch at home.

Carlene, if you don't get back in here and make a pot of coffee after you finish it, I'm going to blow my load all over, all over the place. Carlene. I don't have anybody like this in my life. You understand, you understand that this person is a unicorn and this thing doesn't really happen. It only happens in American Pie movies. Why the fuck, why the fuck would you ruin it by telling them? Yeah, you are currently working with a mid 90s SNL Rob Schneider character and you need to just, you need to just keep, keep that, keep that roll rolling, you know? Keep it, keep it going. I'm also willing to bet that if you even like voice a concern about telling him, you will be sworn to by like 30 different people have been like, Todd, you can't, Todd, you can't

tell him. This is all I've got, Todd. My family life is shit. Think about this in New Orleans. If some other crankster had come along and fixed this before you got to it, we would never have heard of it. Think about that for a second. That's true and it wouldn't have brought joy to my life. Also think about the fact that if you talk to this guy, that's going to be the in the Guinness Book of World Records for the shittiest conversation ever because it's going to go, hey, Todd, that thing you've been saying, it means coming and then he, he's going to fall to his knees and he's going to, he's going to lash himself. Here's the thing. If you tell him, if you're the guy who tells him, you are immediately responsible

for every single time he has said that and you have not corrected him. Oh, great point, Justin, because he's going to sit there and think, well, I said it to you. I've said it to you like when the boss's niece was around and you didn't say shit, you just let me cue saying it. What's the matter with you? Oh, hey, by the way, it means coming. It does mean coming, sir. If everybody doesn't know, yeah. I mean, I mean, they know.

Everybody but this gentleman knows it. Everybody except this gentleman has read Fifty Shades of Grey. That's all they say in that book is like, I'm going to go blow my load. Blow my load. But they also use it inappropriately too. So the woman will actually say, oh, Christian, blow my load all over the place. Like that's that doesn't.

I don't understand. Well, I've seen I've seen a few videos. Sorry, Naughty. Yeah. How about a Yahoo? Yeah, it could be Yahoo. Miss Yahoo. I didn't mean to say that so sexually.

Why is it all getting dirty? I don't know. Let's get innocent. Let's let's revive the innocence. This one was sent in by Steve Lewis. Thank you, Steve. It's by Yahoo Answers. This user, Boris, who asks, can doctors do plastic surgery on animals?

I would like to make my cat look more Garfield. He's already a ginger Tomcat. But all it would require would be some large cheek implants. And he would be the pitting image of Garfield. What would this sort of surgery cost? Your soul. Yeah, really. Also, more importantly, your cat's life.

No way would a cat survive that. It is becoming more of a thing. People are getting into it. For instance, if your dog has a lot of sagging, their skin is covering their eyes from all the sagging, then you can get that fixed. I swear, I saw a Sharpay the other day. It was like Joan Rivers.

It's horrifying. OK. Also, then there's you got newticles. What about that? That's pet plastic surgery, right? I don't know what any of them are saying. You put balls on their fingers. No, newticles are when you give them testicular implants after you remove their newticle.

Why does that have such an adorable name? I know. They sound, here's my problem. They sound delicious. If you give me a ranch flavor newticle, I might actually go to town on that. If you give me cool ranch. Yeah, I went to Macaroni Grill and they had a special for endless bowl of newticles.

It was delicious. Justin, if I came home for the holidays to your house and your cat turned around at me and had a pure like Garfield face, like from the CGI Garfield movie, you I there would be a griffin shaped hole in your wall. I was it would it would be like, Hi, every boy and I wouldn't be there anymore. And I would never be there ever again.

Does this gentleman Boris not realize that when he does this for the rest of his cat's brief, horrible life, every time somebody sees it and goes, what the fuck? He's like, yeah, I had those put in. Like that's going to end that friendship or whatever it is. The mailman will no longer come by. He'll probably be taken to prison. Also, I think that the surgery that it would require some maintenance,

because I'm pretty sure that we would be dealing with a like Rocky from mask scenario within within days. Yeah, those scratch there, you know, they scratch there. What if they scratch their implant and then it leaks all over the place? You got to clean that out. That's another mess. Aren't cats enough hassle? Better yet, what kind of back alley veterinarian do you think you're going to find?

It's going to be like, what do you want to do? OK, cool. OK, you want to put a you want to put a fake voice box in? Make me sound like Lorenzo music. I can hear that. So Bob, I can adjust his taste buds, make him just crave lasagna if you want. Fuck it. Yeah, my cat and I are going through a several year long procedure to make him more like Garfield.

He's got plastic Garfield face surgery. I give him electroshock therapy one day of the week. I will let you guess which day. You can probably suss it out. Right. I have a shock collar. So every time my dog Odie comes around, I hit it just so he gets a nice, you know, nice intolerance towards the dog.

I'm currently getting iris removal. So I more resemble the character that owns him. I have also broken up with my longtime girlfriend. So I am terribly alone. And I died the lady cat next door pink. So I might be arrested for that one. I also know too much about Garfield Garfield. Why is Garfield?

Why is why is Garfield so funny? But not a period, but not in any way that his creator can harness. Why? Why is everyone else able to make Garfield funny? But somehow the ability to elude it escapes Jim Davis. Daily seven times a day. This motherfucker can't get the funniest strip. Correct.

He cannot. He is unable to see what he has made and use it for good. It's one of those things where Garfield minus Garfield is like some of the funniest shit around. But if he had just drawn that strip, it would have been fucking mind-blowingly terrible. Ultimately, the comedy that we find in it is a direct result of Jim Davis's impotence. That is his inability. Right.

Exactly. If he were more competent as an artist or creator, then we wouldn't be. But see like, okay, you look at Garfield minus Garfield or really any sort of deconstructionist Garfield rap that we have done. If Jim Davis had the artistic ability to really to kill his little darlings, to have the sort of foresight, that scalpel, that artistic scalpel to cut away the in essentials of his comedy, he could be one of the great ones. Excuse me, Bill Watterson.

He could be the greatest comic artist of all time, but he is unable. He cannot see beyond his mediocrity. In a way, though, isn't that his legacy? This is what I'm saying. It's intentional. I'm saying that Garfield, people wouldn't be talking, but Garfield wouldn't be as relevant as it is today, which is to say incredibly relevant. Sure, yeah.

If it was just like, if it was the funniest thing ever, if it was mad TV, you know, wait, excuse me, that's a whole different rabbit hole. I don't want to go down. If it was if it was the funniest thing ever, I'll I'm mad TV, then people wouldn't be talking about it because there would be nothing to say, except did you see the latest Garfield? And people would say yes. And said, I laughed so hard that I forgot to feed my kids. Here's the Garfield Wikipedia page has actually been locked by Wikipedia because of quote

frequent vandalism. It is a serious problem for the Garfield Wikipedia home. I think he's great. Hey, listen, I love Garfield. There it is. Hey, and also I have another thing. My husband often makes plans that include me and are at our house, but doesn't let me know of said plans.

I always find out my slash our weekend plans from one of our friends. It's not that I don't want these plans to happen. And I don't need or want him to feel like he has to ask me permission to arrange plans. But it would be nice to know from him, not a third party, what my weekend plans are. How do I approach this gently? That's from uninformed in Indianapolis. Why must it be gentle? Yeah, how about you?

I feel like you'll be completely just fine and going, hey, Frank, what the fuck? Hey, Frank, we were going to go see fucking Argo this weekend, dummy. I, I have the strangest feeling that maybe she has just told him by writing into their favorite comedy podcast. I am so tired of being a pawn in your people's romantic relationships. Stop using us to break bad news to your loved ones and just start communicating. How do you pull that off though? Because we're like 20 minutes deep now.

Do you think she just sat there for 20 minutes sort of fidgeting, like waiting just like, oh, hold on. Something's going to be really germane to where we are. Yeah. You also have to remember, Justin, we get sent like 150 questions a week and we maybe do four. So that's really a Russian roulette style of breaking news because after an hour and five minutes usually, if we haven't said it, you got to turn to and go, hey, by the way, tell me when you make fucking plans.

We're going to go see Argo. Why is he not making these plans with you? That's why I went uninformed. Why is he not saying what do you want? I understand being out in the world and you see some friends and they're like, hey, what are you up to this weekend? And you say, I don't know, let's hang out. You guys didn't stop by and maybe place some cards or something.

But then your next step is to call your SO and be like, hey, honey, is this cool or should we figure something else out or what were you thinking? No one will leap to inconsiderate spousal behaviors defense quicker than Travis will. Travis needs to keep the bridge open for whatever inappropriate conduct that he will employ in his own relationship. I just happen to be a proponent of being a part of a whole, that you are a part of the relationship that does not mean you have to constantly answer to them. And she even says in the email that she doesn't need him to check in with her before he makes

the plans. I'm just saying that he's skipping a very important step, which is like step two, tell her. Man, I hate plans. I hate them too. I hate plans. Oh, I hate plans. You know, life is what happens when you're making other plans.

Have you ever heard that? I've heard it. Well, you didn't finish this. Life is what happens when you're making. Life is what happens when you're making other plans. Think about it. Think about that for a second. That's horrible.

I hate plans, guys. If I know I have nothing can ruin a weekend faster for me than knowing I have plans. You know what always kills me? It's like I make the plans, say, on a Thursday to do something Saturday. And I'm like, yeah, okay, this is going to be awesome. We're not going to hang out. Then Friday, it's like, oh, we're doing that thing tomorrow. And it's always like 10 minutes before the event.

Yes. And you're like, oh, I don't want to do this thing. I want you to stay home. I just got so comfortable. That happens to me for concerts. I always buy tickets for concerts months in advance. And I look forward to them. And then the day of, maybe my tummy hurts.

And maybe we just started watching Battlestar Galactica again. And it's like, well, this is way better than the other thing. It really is. Concerts are an investment that really, I'm not sure they always pay off. Because it is just a constant stream of inconvenience for a moment when you are lose yourself in the music. It really is. It really is out of control, inconvenient to go to any shows like that.

Any concert ever has been. What about like an outdoor show where you have to park 100 years away and walk with your bottle of wine in your chair? And they give you a fucking mason jar at the entrance that you have to poop and pee in because there's no bathrooms anywhere. And then imagine if you're like me and all the bands that you like also share a demographic with like 50 year old rednecks who will smoke in your face and bump you and like dump their beers on your blanket.

Fortunately for you, Travis, the only artist that you like is Neil Diamond. That is not true. Once that is scratched. Neil Diamond and Journey and Sticks. How many of those have you scratched on the list? I have seen Journey. I have not seen Neil Diamond. I had the opportunity in Dallas and tickets where I shit you not like $250 a piece.

Man, that story about when Travis almost went and saw Neil Diamond is one of my favorite anecdotes. Did you meet him? I always say it's not going to pay off. Did you did you meet him? Neil Diamond, you say? Yeah, did you meet him at the concert you almost went to? I almost met him. I almost met him.

I swear we were in the parking lot. I was standing on the hood of my car looking for him. He wasn't there. Well, that's a shame. There was a time I almost met Mitchell Mousseau from iCarly. Right. I wish he would stop mentioning names. He was at the grove the day before I was.

Oh, I see. Oh, you're like an almost name dropper. Yeah, Griffin and I almost met Tim Heidecker once because we saw Prometheus with him. And I got too nervous to talk to him. And we were too nervous to say hi. That was a great story. Oh, you should make plans to almost hang out with someone. Maybe.

We're planning on this weekend. You guys should almost come over and we should almost go see Argo. But at the last minute, we should blow it off, get some Thai food and stay at home. Or like we should make plans, but you thought we were going to the five o'clock one and we thought we were going to the seven o'clock one and we almost watched the same movie together. That'd be great. Griffin, can I get a yahoo up in this piece? Yeah, I'll pop off.

I'll blow my load. This yahoo is sent in by Sapindle. Thank you, Sapindle. It's by Yahoo Answers. User Nick101 who asks, I'm looking to learn about Nick. And I want to get it on the ground level. I have not any advanced courses like a Nick 202. Or hey, man, if you really want to start in on the next situation,

you got to start with Nick 101. I took Nick AP classes in high school. Those credits transfer. Hey, so my parents found a dildo I ordered. How do I handle this situation? I'm 19 and not gay or anything. But my parents accidentally opened my package and found that I had ordered a dildo. After having an extremely awkward conversation with my mom over the phone,

I am left with quite a situation to sort out. Please help. Yeah, this is quite, this is quite the situation. It's quite a situation. Nick 101. Nick 101. Is it a gift dildo? That's, I guess.

It's a joke dildo. See, if you order from Extreme Restraints, they ship everything with like a fake, like a facade over the actual present that makes it look like a Kindle fire or something like that. Yeah, keep your piles like super straight come Christmas time. Keep them really, really diligently straight. They actually, Extreme Restraints actually does send you a Kindle fire with every purchase. And then you press a special button on it. And then it digitizes a dildo right there for you.

It uses 3D modeling technology to. Dildos in disguise. It transforms. It goes. And then you transfer the dildo. And then you put it inside you and then you take it out and angry birds. It actually turns into a flock of angry birds. So why did you put me inside you?

I can't finish unless somebody shoots a bunch of angry birds at my junk. That is the only way I can do it now. I think the best course of action for this gentleman is misdirection. And when his mom's like, hey, why did you get a dildo? You say, no, mother, why did you open my package? Was it addressed to you? Good day. You're forgiven.

Man, again, this is one of those like 90% of the questions on the show. We just need more info. Because if I need some like detail, some more deeds. I feel like it is unfair of Nick to say, I ordered this dildo. I'm not gay or anything. Didn't finish that sentence with the reason I did is blank. Well, maybe he did order it to like ram jam it. But like, I don't know.

I don't. Why don't you tell your parents to fucking, you're 19. You can't drink yet, but you can smoke and vote. Yep. And at the same time, at the same time, you can smoke, vote, and ram jam a bill bow right up in you. And you don't need to explain yourself to goddamn anybody, except a polling president who's going to wonder why you ram jam inside the polling place.

Why you pressed, why you selected it with a cigarette. This one's for you, Obama. I just recently got told by a friend of mine who also works in theater that sometimes if they need to drop in a line to like hook something in above an audience, they'll tape a dildo to the line because it's soft and they don't have to worry about it, like hurting somebody, but it's heavy enough to pull the line down. Pause, pause, pause the world. Because of that, if so, the logic is it's not heavy and hard.

So if it falls on somebody, it doesn't kill them. But if you're watching, oh, this is my favorite production, like Beth, I've ever, well, what just hit me in the ear? Well, it kind of feels like it up. They dress it up. They wrap it in foam so it is not identifiable as a dildo. But apparently it is a very commonly used theater practice to use a dildo to wait a line.

Okay, how about a book or how about a Nerf missile or how about a banana or how about the other 100,000 things? Did you not know Griffin, techies is freaky. I guess, I guess, I suppose. Techies is freaky. I think you should just tell your parents why you got the dildo, whatever that reason may be, and then they'll respect you. Mother, father, may I sit you down for a moment, please?

I bought this dildo for me. I don't have to answer your questions. I'm going to use to fling Angry Birds at my dick, because that's how I do. I'm feeling like 20, 20 does has been about obviously getting it. I feel like, and we're still weighing a few different options for 2013 themes, but I feel like maybe 2013 should just be no more secrets. Yeah, how many, how many of our, like, how many of our problems here on the show would be solved, but just no more secrets.

You know, let's stop it. Let's just be honest. No more secrets, guys. But that's not good. It's 13. I can't think of anything that rhymes with 13 that makes it sound. 20 does is like 22, you know, 22. Right.

Do it. Just do it. Just get it. Just do it, Nike. Just do it. Just get it. Reebok is there. Jump, jump good.

Skechers, it's the S. Faster. Faster, faster, faster. Nike. Faster. These shoes, these shoes are for poor kids. Keds. Poor Keds.

Keds. Get them. What year is it? British Nights. I can do this all day. It's fun. I really, really want some. Reebok bump.

They don't sell them anymore. If you move fast enough, the ink kind of looks like a Nike. New balance. What in the world? Uggs. I wish the content is nutted. I'm a depression era child in Appalachia. Paperbacks.

God. I think we should probably go to the money zone. I mean, we just got a punch for money from all of those. And moon, and moon, and moon shoes. Did we do moon shoes? No, we didn't. Hey, I'm going to fucking kill that kid. Wheelies.

That kid doesn't. That's the shoe. That's the shoe speaking, right? Yeah, you know, I hate these fucking rolly pieces of shit that won't stop rolling around. Just walk. In my day, we walked. We didn't have wheels in our shoes.

Our first message is for Chelsea from Joe, who is in all caps. Boyfriend. Boyfriend. Boyfriend. Let that be no doubt. I am boyfriend. You made it to 25, Chelsea. Congratulations.

You are a Pokemon master, sexy freedom trail tour guide, and all around awesome lady. You left out shit. She said, he said fucking awesome lady. I know. I'm trying to, I'm trying to tone it down. We're coming up on candle lights. We love the shit out of you.

And he said shit, so. Happy birthday from Joe Connor. Terry, Lauren, and Mike. Don't be late for the Buckin' Owl. I want to know what the sexy freedom trail is. And I really look. Great, Travis. I'm not an, I'm not a linguistics expert.

I'm pretty sure he's saying she's a sexy guide on the freedom trail, not as you have surmised to hear a sexy, a guide on a sexy freedom trail. Justin, do you know what happens when you assume? I guess you got me there, Travis. I'm sorry. You didn't even take a second to Google it. I need you to Google sexy freedom trail, please. I'm pretty sure it's just the one freedom trail in Boston.

Isn't that what they call it when you have pubes on your gut that leads down to your butt to pee pee your vagina? Yeah, right. Speaking of pee-pees and vaginas, we also want to tell you guys about Extreme Restraints. It's a website where you can order all the latest fuck props. They say, I think toys is too much for these works of art. I think there are tools.

Fuck, accoutrement. Accoutrement. How about accoutrement? Cannot, cannot, cannot. If you use a coupon code, middleist, you can save 20% at the site, which is of course located conveniently at extremestraints.com. Go there and get all your accoutrement. No, you can't pull it off, Justin.

We got so many tweets last week from people like overjoyed that this partnership had been struck up, that it had been reignited. Because there were some fears after we went without for like one week, people were like, what happened? Was it me? Was it something I did? Talk to me, daddy and mommy. Did I not buy enough?

Did I not buy enough dildos? Use what I would say to you, please, go to the website, use that coupon code. Because every once in a while, we get a list, an anonymous list, of all the things our listeners have bought with that code. And it is really the highlight. It's like, we don't get, other than like tweets and books, which is what you call Facebook interactions, like we don't get to like gauge you guys, like the kind of people that you are.

So when we get- Or what gauge of dildo you're getting. Yes. So when we get a list saying like, you bought, you bought like a butt hammer called Little Stomper. Then like, that informs us about the character, the shape and angle of your character. That helps us to customize the show for your enjoyment.

That's it. Think of it like a focus group, because we want to know the angle of your dangle. And this is how we do. This is how we do that. I want to say a big hello to Sam Seeger. This is from Alex, Ali, Chris, Mary, Max, Nat and Will. They have a very specific script here. So I'm going to read it exactly.

Sam, yes. You, Sam Seeger, we can see you. Don't just sit there in your striped cardigan, sipping water at your desk, or watching your shocked face from the camera in the hippo statue. You need to stop masturbating all the time. Stop masturbating. Your friends just want to say happy birthday. Here they are.

And then it says here, talk in funny voice, which I- I have two problems. First of all, we're not fucking clowns for hire. We are a little bit- If you want clowns for hire, hire us from our clown service. Silly guys. Moreover, hey, has anyone ever been to a fancy restaurant? You can't just go with eight people and then get the most expensive dish on the menu

and be like, oh, all eight of us are going to split it. Let's watch these. Let's keep- let's keep it to a minimum on these group messages. Because- These pile- Are you saying that- Each one should have bought an individual message for Sam. I'm saying each one of them could have maybe picked up the tab for an-

And our next message is also for Sam and also this one and this one. And this one. Right. There's no group on for what we're doling out, guys. Let's try to get a handle on it. I want to get a handle on Jeff in North Attleboro from his buddy Mike Cantor. Maybe his lover, I don't know. I wouldn't suppose.

But happy 29th birthday. His boss. Maybe his boss. Maybe his love- his love or his boss is a fog. Maybe his nemesis. Shades of gray kind of situation where they signed a contract. We can only assume because we got literally no information other than happy 29th birthday. So we're guessing here, but we hope Jeff has a great one.

And that's for your buddy Mike. So happy 29th, Jeff. We're proud of you. Or as you call him, Mr. Cantor. How did you guys spend your 29th? I spent my 29th getting into a car accident and thinking about doing 365 new things before I turned 30. Pretty good birthday. All at the same time.

It all flashed into my mind as I collided with the pleasant elderly couple in front of me. Were they so pleasant that you just had to destroy them? Is that what happened? Yeah. Was it like an everyday thing? They stopped that fucking railroad track. Who does that, old people? I just want to destroy something elderly.

I want to destroy something weathered. Jesse Thorne here, proprietor of Maximumfun.org. Look, we had a great time in the Poconos and everything, but there's no way we are forgetting about our annual trip to Lake Arrowhead here in Southern California. So unless the world ends first by Mayan prophecy, Max Funcon West will be held May 31st through June 2nd, 2013. Join us for a showcase of elite stand-up comedy performers in the woods, plus informative classes and talks from some of the best creative minds in the nation. If you've been to Max Funcon before, get ready to reunite with your old friends,

and if you're a first-timer, get ready to make a whole ton of new ones. Registration is now open at maxfuncon.com, so act fast. Max Funcon pretty much always sells out, and we don't expect this year to be any different. Remember, go to maxfuncon.com. About three months ago, me and my best friends started dating, since we're both part of a small community of mutual friends and colleagues who love to gossip. We kept a relationship secret. Enjoy it while at last, you got fucking 29 more days of that.

For 2013, no more secrets. But now, we're serious, I feel silly having to keep my distance from my boyfriend when I'm out in public, and my friends trying to set me up with guys since they think I'm still single. How do I convince my boyfriend it's time to go public? And how could I break the news to this small community without it becoming dramatic gossip? That's from Mary in Illinois. What is everyone love more than anything else in the world? People they know getting together.

No. You're wrong. The answer is knowing some shit that they shouldn't know that maybe not everybody else knows. So, in your attempt to keep gossip from happening, you've created gossip. You have created the juiciest, most... 31. Do you know how you avoid gossip?

You do the fucking Alan Alda move from West Wing Season 7. Yes. You hold a press conference and you just talk it out for like four hours. You answer every question. You stand and you fucking deliver, because what you have... God, it's so fucking gonna blow my load. It's 31 flavors and I want to taste each one. You have done fucked up.

You've created the juiciest, most of... They have probably hired a fucking private investigator because they want to know so bad. Oh, God, when the first person... You kid the president in the closet, and then you told the kids not to go in the closet, or else Santa wouldn't come for them. And now fucking the closet is all they can think about. And it's too late now.

Because you've already had a brief period... You're trapped in the closet. If you say it now, if you come out with it now, all they're gonna talk about is those two fucking devilishly sexy months. Who knows what's going on? What were they doing? What was that about? They probably didn't want us to know,

because they were just pressing their butts together all the time. They were just pooping back and forth. Man, stop. Travis, Griffin, wait till you get married. You are gonna learn so much about what sex is. Well, I heard once you get married, they don't let you put your butt on their butt again. No, you need to put your fanny against their fanny.

I heard if you put a penny in your jar, every time you put your butt on her butt in the first year of marriage, and then every time after you take them out at the end, then at the end, you have to put all the pennies in your butt. That is true. 100% true. I read that in Malcolm Gladwell's The Outliers. Man, Travis just wants everybody to know he read a book.

I just want everybody to know. And to be fair, I listen to it. I cannot read. Jesus. Well, ma'am, as it says in Malcolm Gladwell's The Outliers, I'll have the chicken McNuggets and an extra-large Coke. Excuse me? Can you not hear me?

I'll turn down my book on tape. Sorry, I apologize. Yeah, listen, you gotta... And first and foremost, I need you to be honest. I truly believe that anytime someone says, we're going to get together, but we need to keep it secret from our group of friends. The reason you do that is because you guys weren't sure if it was going to work out, and you didn't want to make it a big thing.

Travis is 100% right. He's very wise. So now that you know it's going to work out, you need to just straight up be like, hey, we're dating. And don't just tell one person, because that's how you create gossip. Yeah. That's like damning a river, right? And then you put a small hole in it.

That's how it all breaks apart and becomes a thing. Just tell everyone all at once. Travis had it right the first time. Do an Allen all-opressed conference. Can you do a press conference at the office? Just have everybody... Hey, hello. Thank you all for coming.

I've called you together for an important announcement. That promise. Where are you going to find a sign language interpreter at this hour? I know you're probably wondering why me and Derek are touching our butts together. Well, let me go ahead and clear up any confusion there may be. Hola, mi amor. Mi amor es Greg. Es mi hermana.

Kelly. That means sister. Let me start over. My sister Kelly and I. Now I know that this seems especially shocking now that you know we are blood relations. We have been secret brother and sister and secret dating. How is your world? We just changed it.

To be fair, we've only got brother and sister for a month and we've been dating for three. So... Figure that one out. Thanks for getting married, mom and dad. New mom and new dad. Yeah, but just be straight up. Just... You create gossip by not telling people.

Like, what's interesting to people is not knowing for sure whether you guys are together. Now, how much of full disclosure are we talking about? Like, will they... Do they really have to be like, we are dating and we press our butts together like on the reg twice a day? Because then they're gonna... I don't... Once you... If you just come out and say,

Hey, so just so you guys know Derek and I are dating, then they're gonna be like, oh, they'll be like, oh, we're so happy for you. And then when you leave the fucking room, the second you do, they're gonna turn to each other and be like, what do you think their butt-pressing schedule's like? That is exactly what people do. Tell me about their routines. What if you just pretended like you assumed everybody already knew?

So like, go out on like a group thing or whatever and just like hold hands and kiss and like do all the PDA. God. We're like, what the fuck? Be like, we've been dating for like two fucking months. Where have you been? When did Travis become the wizard of fucking Oz? Like... He's so smart.

Right? Like... I read fucking Malcolm Gladwell's The Outlaw. We need to wrap this up. This has been a lot of fun. We've had a lot of fun here today. Let's do one more. Okay.

Real or Yahoo or what? Well, I have a Yahoo. You want to see if you guys like it? Yeah. Let's see how it tastes. It's working. I figured we should do at least one candle night's question. Okay.

It was sent by Emily Wall. Thank you, Emily. It's by Yahoo Answers user Poppy who asks, durable Christmas presents? Oh. Well, I'm gonna switch out Christmas for candle nights for the rest of the question. Well, because who celebrates Christmas anymore, really? Yeah, I have a little 2011 for my day.

Well, this year for candle nights, I have no idea what to get my gerbils. All I have got is a great ball. A toilet roll. Please help. Wait, what? A toilet roll? Yeah, gerbils are like a fun little bunker form.

Oh, like the inside tube. Yeah. Not like to wipe their gerbil buttons. No, no, no, no. Well, I don't know. I don't know how gerbils do. I can't understand the words of the question. Okay, should I do it again but slower?

Yeah, do it again slower so I can finish. Well, this year for candle nights, I have no idea what to get my gerbils. All I have got is a great ball, a toilet roll. Please help. As you say, he's already got a ball and he needs another idea. I got the ball, I got the toilet roll,

but that's not enough. They're gonna throw that back in my face. I guess what I'm asking is, yeah, the answer is, do you know what my gerbils are getting me? How much of basement? So that I know how much I need to spend. The only answer on the question says,

a great ball or a toilet roll. I mean, you got your bases covered. You got all the things. He sells his car to get them some new chew toys, but they sell their teeth to get him like a new air freshener for his car. A gift of the matchable. Man, I'll allow it.

Portmanteaus are on fire today. I love it. Even worse is when he gives them the great ball and the toilet roll and Rolex watches and they're like, oh, we didn't get you anything, Steve. Steve, I didn't know we had that kind of relationship, but I mean, we are gerbils. Do you want me to bite you?

That's a thing I can do. And then like one of them runs into their hutch real quick and like throws a bottle of wine leftover from a dinner party into a bag and they're like, yeah, Steve, we picked this out just for you. It's the cork came out accidentally. I don't understand how it happened.

And we chewed on it. We chewed on it. Sorry that we're gerbils and you don't have a girlfriend. I know what you can get a gerbil. How about you get him a nut? It's so cute when they try to get in there. When they try to get it. Get him a few corn nuts

and you try to stick them all in his mouth at the same time. And he's got those big old cheeks like Garfield. Ooh, get him surgery. Yeah. Can you make your cat? He's got eye on that plastic surgery. Make your gerbil look exactly like Garfield. That's going to be a cool look for him.

He'll be the toast of, I don't know, what you keep in that cage. Of the terrarium. Hutch. You know, here's the thing though. I'm going to be honest and say when, you know, my dog was still around. I got her Christmas present.

Yeah, sure. But that's a Travis. But you didn't ask internet strangers how many plastic bones to buy. Oh, so you're saying that it's cool as long you keep it secret and safe. No, I'm saying, why don't you know your gerbils well enough to know what they want?

Why do you think the internet has a deeper personal connection with your gerbils than they do? Why don't you? Are you just going to check your gerbil's Facebook? What the fuck? Go to your, go to your gerbils. Go to your gerbil's, or more. See if they're out of white diamonds.

And just buy them some more. Buy them things they've already got and just replenish those if you're out of ideas. Gerbil, have you ever seen 12 monkeys? I got it for you on Blu-ray. I thought you might enjoy it. Oh, you're afraid of monkeys. Oh, and blu-ray, and discs.

And discs, great. Cool, cool, cool. This has been our advice show, My Brother, My Brother and Me. We hope you've had as much fun as we have. Which is to say, some. Thank you for listening. Thank you for tweeting about the show.

Thanks to Deconique, Roman Noodlez, Stumpfreak, Jason E. Becker, Whittleton, Ironshawn, Iggy Kay. MBAM Wisdom is an account that tweets out quotes from the show. So, you know, go follow that one. It's got 1,400 followers, believe it or not. Also, we're preparing for our special candle nights episode. I think this year we're going to go with like a gift giving gift guide theme. We've already gotten a couple of really awesome, great questions.

So, make sure to send in all of your candle nights gift giving questions and try to put it in the subject line, you know, candle nights or something along those lines so that I can recognize them right away. Um, I can't wait for candle nights, you guys. I'm so excited. Oh, no, it's getting closer. And of course, as all candle nights episodes, it will be, it'll be cuss-free.

Yes. It'll be family-friendly. I want to thank John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song, It's a Departure. Off the album, putting the days to bed. The what? Sorry? The Albumin. The Albumin.

The Albumin? Yeah, you crack up at the disc and it's that soft membrane through which all the rock lives. So, thank you. Thank you, John Roderick. I had something I wanted to say and I can't remember it now. I want to say we were reminded from a couple tweets this week that there is only a month left and 20 does

and if you have not gotten it yet, you have like 28 days to get it. Reminder to get your tickets for Maxfuncon West. You can go to maxfuncon.com. I'm sure there's going to be a ton of amazing guests and fun activities and you don't want to miss it. It was life-changing for us, I think it's safe to say. Head on over there, it makes a great gift. Listen to all the other Maxfun podcasts.

Jordan, Jesse, go. Stop podcasting yourself. Throwing shade. Judge John Hodgman. Risk. Memory Palace. International Waters. I wish they'd stop adding them because that's all I can remember

and I think I probably... Oh, Bullseye? God damn it. Yeah, you'll get them next time. There's a lot of podcasts. And make sure you subscribe on iTunes and rate us there and give us a review if you haven't. It really helps us out and we got to beat, beat, I don't know,

Jimmy Pardo or somebody. I want to beat all of them. I want to beat Adam Carolla. I just want to... If we don't get to the top of iTunes, I'm going to blow my load. Griffin, do you have a final question for us? I do. This final yahu was sent in by Nick Robinson.

Thank you, Nick Robinson. It's by Yahoo Answers user Evan E. Who absolutely has to know. Why does everyone think Son of the Mask was so bad? Oh, Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother, my brother, and me.

Guess who to add. School around the lips.