My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 168: I Say Wopato

Episode Date: September 16, 2013

We've got the biggest product announcement of the week for a product that is a phone but is also a tiny dead human. Also, we find a new former celebrity to inexplicably assault because we are broken inside. Suggested Talking Points: The Legend of Baggy Pants, GuyPhone Stephen, Things We Fucked Up Through History, Don't Ever Touch The Butt, The Mask of Sean Paul

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's a new place And the girls, do you want it? Just say, hey, I want it Just say, hey, I want it Guys, I have breaking news from 22 Infinite Loop, or whatever the fuck Apple's address is.

This is my brother, my brother made an advice show for the modern era. What's the news? Let me break out this fucking tech news, I'm trying to, trying to get the SEO, trying to get the SEO right, and you're stepping on my, what are you doing? That's the breaking news sound. Yeah, that's the one we paid that studio thousands upon thousands of dollars to make, and you got so mad at us, because you said it sounded like us going boobaboo. Yeah, let me hit play again, so you can do your break.

Okay, breaking news from 22 Infinite Loop, it's the new model of everyone's favorite touchable. It's the guy phone, they changed it, they changed it, it's the new model. Going along just like Dr. Pepper and 7up, this is just for men. Nope, that's not it, it's a little anthropomorphic phone, it lives in your pocket, it's just a little guy, he's just a little guy, he lives in your pocket, and he does all the things of the iPhone 5 DVDs. Does he say like a phone or a guy? He is, imagine a hybrid of both, like, okay, wait, okay, wait, hold on.

So like a phone with arms and legs, or like a man with a phone for a face? It has appendages, it has appendages and it has a fleshy scratch-resistant exterior. The thing you should know about the appendages is that they are extremely breakable. Oh my god, it's like Mr. Glass from Unbreakable. You'll never stop hearing about it. So be careful. You have a phone call, must be nice, I don't have arms. I'm guy phone.

Also there's an unwrapped starlight mint in here, it's terrible in here. It sucks, please don't leave your iPhone in a jar. I need you to have baggy pants, please. I need you to be the legend of baggy pants, and I need to ride around in there, and if you could wrap me in pillows, I'm so fragile. Did you want to apps? Did you want to Angry Birds on me? Angry Birds on my tummy.

Angry Birds on my, we used to Angry Birds all the time, Dave. My battery's dying. I'm dying. That's what I need. I need a guy phone that can tell me when I shanked it on Super Stick Man Golf, even though I know, I know, I did, I know it. Ooh, a little high. A little too much mustard on that tomato.

Thanks guy phone. I was like a guy phone that was sitting there like, hey are we, we're going karaokeing tonight, don't you have to work tomorrow? You really think this is a good idea? Oh gosh, I don't know. Better set an alarm on me now. So what I want is a tiny pocket nanny. Pocket nanny for the makers of guy phone.

My name is Justin McRoy, by the way. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy, $10,000 for the guy phone. Does it make calls? They have, they have a cheaper model. It does not make calls now. It does not. They have a cheaper model that doesn't make calls or have apps, and it's just a small man.

That's cheaper? It's called the guy phone Steven. Neither are a phone. No, it's also not, it's not a living. It's a tiny, it's a little corpse. Guy phone does. Wait, guy phone Steven is dead? Yeah, it's a dead, it's a dead pygmy corpse.

And you carry it around and it doesn't have apps, but you can still like play with it at the movies. Does it ward off evil? Doesn't do any of that. No, it's very, very non-functional. But it is cheaper than the guy phone. So, the guy phone was pretty limited in terms of functionality already. Listen, your kids are gonna,

your kids are gonna ask for the fucking guy phone for Christmas. You don't have 10 stacks to drop on each and every one of your seven kids. So I've got a cheaper option for you. We call it the guy phone Steven. Guy phone Steven comes in a lot of different colors. He is a dead corpse. He's a dead, he's a dead corpse. I'm not gonna beat around the bush.

We're selling you a corpse. But it's cheaper than the guy phone. So you'll be able to fill all those Christmas wishes. Great stocking stuff. Or guy phone Steven's not gonna complain about me and stuff. He's got the same features as the guy phone. Very breakable, very brittle appendages. I'm ready to make a buy.

How much do I have to lay down for guy phone Steven? Guy phone's $10,000. What's guy phone Steven gonna run me? $14.99. $14.99 and you're gonna have your own guy phone Steven. Now, I know you're wondering. You're gonna have to walk me through how we are not, I mean, where are you finding these little effusions

for your experiments? And how are we not gonna wipe out this resource? I don't wanna be accused of false advertising in saying that it is very much similar. The guy phone Steven is very similar to the guy phone. These are obviously failed guy phones. These came out of the printing press a little sloppy. So these are guy phones into which we were unable to breathe life?

Yes, they are these half formed golems. They are lots of variation in the models. Some of them are very big, which people aren't crazy about just having these really big mutated corpses. But $14.99 price it can't be beat coming out this November 32nd. Get it. Get it. Guy phone Steven.

That's all for today. And now everybody coolio. I'm coolio and I'm here to say I like guy phone Steven in a major way. That's coolio, but he's not missed a step. He is still and then he's gonna drop in a fantastic voyage and lots of tiny Steven's are gonna just flop on the stage from the scene. Be dropped be dropped like so much dead confetti. Hey guys, how do I how old do I have to be to call people in college kids?

I'm 25 and I really want to do that. That's from Caleb in New Zealand. God don't call anyone below like 13 a kid. I'm getting to that age where everyone's a kid to me now. I'm okay wait hold on but there's a difference. Are you like are you specifically referring to someone like look at that kid? Are you saying like kids today or those college kids? Because I think that's a lot less that's innocuous you know say like college kids

these days or like well I don't want to go hang out with college kids at some college bar but I think if you like point at a 22 year old and you're like look at this kid over here like yeah. Everyone's a kid because every the distinction for me is do they have responsibilities? And if you're in college you you don't. I mean you probably don't you might have some they may seem like responsibilities that you have but but you don't that's not accurate. Are they sexually active? Middle schoolers by the time by the time you reach middle school this is a I saw

Pew Research study about this by the time that anyone ever reaches middle school they're already they're already hooking up they're already you know shagging and snogging. You can't look at a middle schooler that you know this Saturday night is gonna make sweet love to a woman or to a man and say look at that kid look at that sexually active kid it's not right. But that but he also doesn't have a job. That doesn't matter. It does to me. Lots of adults don't have jobs.

Are you telling me that and their kids. You're saying that uninvited to a kid. Yeah. Oh you got fired. You're a kid again. You're a kid now. Got it for you. Listen if it was that way I would tend to my resignation right now.

And but if you have if you have no job but you have a child you become a young adult. Okay I don't understand. It's a weird sliding scale I have it written down somewhere. Is there any gradient between the two or is it just hard stop you're a kid now. Yeah you mean if you become like a part-time employee. Then you're a teenager. Griffith I don't think these are tied to ages right. I mean you're you're we're having a lot of fun here so far.

And you realize these are are delineations for ages. Yeah. I did not. Okay. But I'm also not ashamed. Well I guess that's I guess that's something. Travis is a West Virginia heart. He's living mountain proud.

He doesn't care about the role society makes for him. He's a mountain proud. That's can we change the name of a podcast to mountain proud. Don't call anyone a kid. I think I think once you're like an irascible 70 year old who like only sits on their porch exclusively then you can start busting out that kind of vernacular. Because you're 25 no way. Because realistically like and I get it because I do the same thing but the reason

that you want to do that is to feel superior. Is so that you can be like I've seen some shit and they are still kids. And like yeah I get it but it's always going to kind of even people around you that want to do the same thing. It's always going to make you seem a little bit judgy. See it's our fucking it's our stupid fucking language devoid of any and all honorifics. That is what that is what Japanese has got on us. Like they have a system a regimented system in place for referring to people.

Based on their place compared to yours and like the social caste. We don't have anything like that. Because if so like you know I would probably call you guys you know misters Travis and Justin. I could be in so and you would call me like Lil Griffin or something like that. Can we please get that started. I think we probably could. I have news for you Caleb why should you should be careful.

I'm 32 you're 25 guess what. You're a kid to me. 25 years old you're a kid you're a baby boy. You're a sweet baby boy. Travis can be 30 years old in November. Oh Jesus I know. Can you imagine what do you think you're going to be to him. I have a hint for you a kid.

This fucking podcast is not less you be kidded. Think about it. This this podcast is going to be like two and a half fucking men when Travis turned 30. It's too doll singing young upstart. Crazy religious son and introducing Lil Griffin. He melted the heart of a nation. I eat it all the potato chips. I've never watched a single episode of that show.

Where's the potato chips. I have a date. I eat it all. Have you seen my slingshot. I actually just found my IE did all the potato chips t-shirt from when Lil Griffin was still really big on TGIF and it is a collector's item now so I'm going to try to hold on to it. It's going to come back. You know they're getting the reunion.

They're doing it. You guys want a yahoo. Yeah yeah. This yahoo was. This yahoo was sent in by Julie Kinn. Thanks Julie Kinn. It's by yahoo answers user Kool-Aid man who asks. How to make my clothes smell clean.

I have gym tomorrow and I don't have time to wash them. How would I make them smell clean or just smell good. Would spraying them with tag work. Sorry what's tag. One more time. Is that like the body spray. Is that a body spray. So there's three body sprays right.

There's the there's the trinity of douche smells and there's axe. There's tag which is very much it's I believe it is also delivered in aerosol form and then there's bod which I don't know if you guys remember bod it was it was a fully blown liquid form that came in a little Windex bottle uh-huh uh-huh and you would spray that. Oh yeah I want your bod. Yeah yeah a very successful I came in very successful parfum and you yeah you just spray that on your clothes or on your wiener and then you're ready to go for the Eve.

What about saber with four R's at the end. Was that am I misremembering that as a pretty a pretty popular one. I think you're misremembering that as like an extant thing. Saber. Remember it was like it was like alpine stink and mountain wafter and yeah truck truck bed gravel. Cloud shaker good time Saturdays. Yeah bad time Saturdays. Fucking casual crotins.

Uncle Dylan's secret they have lots of different. Uncented. You just you just missed yourself with a saline I'm dry sort of saline solution. I'm really dry. Take that with you to the theme park. Sure treat yourself treat yourself to a little spritz a spritz a little spray. How do you make clothes smell in ghostbusters he says that if you leave a shirt in the sun for an hour it'll smell good is that is that a possibility.

I thought it was that he left it outside his window so that the wind would blow through it and take all the stink particles away. I'm not sure on the physics of stink. No little little bugs are attracted to it they'll come harvest your stink take it back to their you know the drones will take your stink particles back to the queen build stink mess. It's just like the circle of life I guess. It's beautiful. I'm so glad that my stink is being put to a good purpose.

Would you rather just waste it would you rather just like flush it down the washing machine Justin. No you're right I'm eco I'm green I use shopping bags at the shopper and I I I'm into this. You know what I did I actually wash my clothes in the river with sharp jagged stones so that way all the stink forms into a reef that can host marine life. You always have to fucking one out me. Well I'm just saying like I'm trying to live a green life I don't take baths anymore. I feed my clothes deodorant.

I feed my clothes to my kids and that's like a fun way of like reducing my footprint because my kids die and then they don't they don't like do anything they don't like consume anything anymore. I actually send all my unwanted stinky clothes to starving children in Africa so they can wear like my print at hearty tees. Some might like my Jinko jeans. Oh they love that shit. They love it they love the bag.

Oh that is a great please tell me that you wore your at hearty tea and your Jinko jeans together while you sprayed yourself with unscented bod and just like got ready to get fucked. When they see me I want to be like I had that duties classy and I know that because his t-shirts is classy. Travis isn't just a look. Travis isn't just a person. Travis is an aesthetic really. That's true.

You know what what I'm doing is I'm I'm selling my brand. You know what I mean like it's not just me it's Travis trademark. Travis's saggums and because your jink um I'm assuming your Jinko jeans were tent like. They actually contain smaller pants. So I don't understand we're talking about four pant legs you're only occupying two at a time. Please don't say three like a dick joke. No that no I have two dicks. Okay uh moving on.

I was very super religious and was prohibitive for most physical contact with other people. If I had been caught even holding hands with a girl I would have been expelled. I've since gotten out of that environment but now I don't know what the rules are in the real world. So far I've been avoiding touching people except for handshakes and goodbye hugs. But touching is really important for flirting and it would be fun if I could be sure I wasn't committing some unforgivable social sin by doing it. To be clear I'm not talking about kissing or sex. Those have obvious rules.

I'm talking about the zone between greeting strangers and kissing. When can I touch people without being a creepy jerk? That's from Touchless in Rhode Island. Such a good question. Except that like the zone between greeting strangers and kissing is like all of it. It's like it's like everything. Everything is hard and dangerous. It's the whole spectrum.

You're talking about like a billion different steps in between those two. Do you want to hear the creepy actor answer? I don't think I do. I think you have a feeling you're going to say it out loud anyway. I am. One of the things that we learned in our acting movement kind of classes is that when you're working with someone you can feel their energy open holes where like people could like let you know where it's okay to touch them during a scene based on where their energy opened up a vacuum.

For a long time Travis would walk into a party and say does everyone feel my dick energy? I feel some really prominent energy. If anyone wants to... I actually to be fair called it energy but go on. I have created a hole in my chi and in my jinko chains for you to experience my my my dick beams. Should I go? We could set some some pretty easy rules okay.

Here's one. Don't touch anyone's butt. Yep. Don't touch anyone's butt ever. I think if it if it's if it's if it is shielded by a bathing suit of course not. If it's shielded by I don't care. What a perfect amount of fabric is there that it is okay to socially touch someone's butt. God.

You don't. I'm sorry you don't. Don't ever touch anyone's butt. Man woman child child. Six ski suits. Yeah I I don't even care if you can't tell where their butt is. Like you give them a butt a butt sort of DMZ right. Do not touch that butt.

Do not touch any butts. If you're in a committed relationship then you get an engagement ring and then you ask if you can touch the butt. Other than that no but I'm talking about in public or in private. I'm talking about so you're not in a relationship with someone. You should never touch their butt. Yes. Why are you even like this person doesn't know? I'm helping.

This is helpful. I don't think it's helpful as much as it is like completely obvious. Let's go for more of a gray area. Don't put your finger in their butt either. Like don't don't tell their ears. Don't go inside them in any way in any way. I'm trying to create a practical guide. Don't enter any orifices.

That's great. Don't touch their butt. Your mouth probably shouldn't touch anything. Like don't put your mouth on someone's neck. They hate it. Okay. So let's go for more of a gray area and lots of like an evil like dark dark area. Sorry.

Sorry. If you were this guy would you be more concerned about entering a gray area or entering the evil dark area? Just like you put your tongue in my butt and I'm a stranger. Like I didn't I didn't know. I know it's delicious. I know it's I'm stuck. I know it's not incino man.

Like I know he has some baseline. I'm just trying to get the easy one. But like what about shoulder? What about shoulder? Okay. When is it okay to touch someone's shoulder? I think you could touch someone's shoulder for one that one Mississippi done out longer than one Mississippi and I think that you've unless you're posing for a picture.

Like I think that that's I think also like there's a big difference between touching someone's shoulder like in greeting like hey and you kind of like smack their back you know kind of thing or like give them a side hug versus like you're sitting there talking to them and suddenly you just reach out and rest your hand on their shoulder. That that's to be saved for serious conversations. Yes. I think that what if what if we had what if we invented some kind of social sex dice and then whenever you greeted a stranger you would eat roll of dice and it would tell you a

body part to touch with their body part but it wouldn't be anything perverse it would just be like hand to like cheek. Oh so it's just like completely innocuous like elbow to elbow. Yep to knock your knees together and then you would just like do a oh you know what would be good what if there was some sort of codified way of greeting somebody where you just like grabbed their hand and then grabbed your hand like what are we fucking talking about. He already covered handshakes that that part he is good with he's trying to close the bridge

between handshakes and kissing and I'm trying to shine the light of truth on some of the pitfalls that he's got to avoid. All right flirty fun flirty fun that's our new that's the new motto flirty fun. Keep it fun keep it flirty keep it not weird. That's like nothing there's nothing you can do. This is the great there's it's a mystery how anyone gets bored. No you know what you do yeah you gotta you gotta take the the shit that you already know you gotta take your your areas in which you are confident and competent and you need to

pull you gotta chop it and screw it you gotta remix it a little bit so like go in for that hug when you say goodbye to somebody you like maybe hold it in for like a second and a half too long or like really get your chin down in that neck people are gonna either like that or not like that and then you know or maybe when you're hand maybe when you're shaking their hand you hold it for like a long time and then you take your other hand on the you take your index finger and you make little circles on the back of their hand while you're holding it it's just like fun flirty stuff you can do. Griffin's suggesting a very a very Diane Fosse sort of gorilla's in the mist approach

to learning social interaction where just you physically do it and see if you get bitten. And then take notes and then move to a different town once you've established Oh that's another thing that's another important thing after every physical interaction copious notes in front of the person they need to see you're engaged. And if you could do it if you could do it like on a live blog kind of set up so that other people can learn from your experiences. Oh definitely definitely want to know what happens here. Definitely want some follow up info and maybe some gifs maybe a couple gift gifs. Maybe maybe the answer here is is just to never be sort of the hug dresser if you will and make

it clear the sort of social physical contact that you're in the market for sort of put your your sign out and let that person take the lead. I mean because here's the thing realistically like as I've been sitting here trying to think about it it's one of those things that as soon as you are thinking about it there is nothing you can do that's not creepy you know what I mean because because the thing is is as soon as it's not like just a spontaneous like action that you've taken when you think about it like can I touch their shoulder right now it's already creepy. You're inherently thinking about something that you would be ashamed to say out loud like you would never say out loud to someone I've been thinking about how to touch you because that

that dog will not touch you. So I would say like the best thing to do is just try to quiet your mind and just like hang out with the person and not worry about it and then if you know in the course of the conversation like you end up like kind of you know touching their arm or whatever so be it but if you try to think about it while you're doing it one you're probably not paying attention to them and not really listening and being a good friend or flirting efficiently and secondly as you're thinking about it you're you're ruining the moment by forcing it. Yeah but if you don't think I mean yes but if you just go out that that's what being drunk is for to do these sort of things without consideration. Oh was that not clear you need to be drunk 24

stuff. Yeah there's nothing that people like around more than a touchy drunk guy. Well everybody okay everybody else has never gotten anyone into trouble. Everybody else also has to be as drunk if not more. Did we all touch? I was just gonna make a joke about how you can sing ZZ tops I'm just looking for some touch to people but the name of that song is actually Tush. Like they're singing like I'm just looking for some Tush. How the fuck have we allowed ZZ top to get away with that shit since the summer of 75. What the like what the fuck have we- Hey you know a song called like Tube Snake Boogie. Right. How about Weeners. The song called She Wants a Pearl Necklace. But that's fun but that's like fun like a fun double entendre. They're literally saying like

I'm just trying to hunt some fanny cheeks like ZZ top. I just want to squeeze a titty like ZZ top you can't just come out and say the thing that you want to do. I would like to ejaculate thanks to a sexual partners interaction with my genitals. ZZ top. Mr. Top please stop. The joke the persistent joke of ZZ top is that anyone could ever love a bearded man. This is the great underlying satirical tone in their music which you miss if you aren't paying close enough attention. Also the word according to the Wikipedia article the word Tush is pronounced in the song in such a way that it rhymes with the word Rush resulting in a mond green which has some listeners believing the word is touch if they haven't read the lyrics. That's because they fucking like said the word

wrong. You're not allowed to do that either. You're not allowed to do that either. Say what you will I love Munduck Dynasty. Some episodes of that show are really touching. What are you fucking yeah um here's a yahoo answer uh here's a yahoo mystery knights um it was uh sent to me by jake thanks shake him it's by yahoo mystery scissor mondo 10 who asks would it look cocky or vulgar if i posted a transformation pic on facebook like i was about to upload my before and after pic of how i was fat starting sophomore and how i look now with a six pack and completely shredded what people hate or think i'm cocky it's not like i'm doing a selfie of my body it's putting both in one pic you're doing a double selfie right but if he was totally ripped and shredded in

both pics then i think it would be a selfie i think this is like an admission of let me throw this out this is the only circumstance in which i would allow this picture one ripped shredded lifting up your wife beater to show your abs posing picture two exact same picture but you took it a month later after you're growing a mustache and you have a seventh you have a seventh pack and it's like one of those like magic eye like find the differences and the difference is the mustache and the seventh app that's migrated up towards your right breast right and if you look really really if you put your face really close into those abs and you pull back just a little bit oh it's a sailboat here's a sailboat in there that's fun i uh i think that you should have one

picture of yourself completely fat totally fat you probably have one of those and then the second picture you're shredded right six pack the whole bit except you're surrounded by nazi paraphernalia people are forced to confront the nature of transformation and the steep price we must sometimes beg you take the good you take the bad you take them both this is a third panel that just says worth it question maybe it's up to you listener i miss fat non anti-semitic joe okay what about first picture you're fat but you're very happy second picture you're ripped but they can see that there's trouble behind your eyes then a third panel where you're fat again and clearly happy again okay you've just come background but you know what i wasn't happy i wasn't it's like limitless

what no it's like fucking shallow howl if you're gonna compare it to a film um it's like shallow limitless uh i think that fat to like shred it up to like then a third panel where you're just kind of somewhere in the middle and that's sort of a realistic take on weight loss it's like oh man i fucked slipped up i need to eat and healthy sucked so i might as well just try and like balance out until i die you know but they don't do that with other things there's not like one where the dudes like just sitting in pajama pants at home watching spongebob square pants at like three o'clock in the afternoon and then the second panel where the guy sitting in a cubicle like talking on the phone giving a big thumbs up i don't understand like oh you're talking being unemployed

and employed like there's not before and after for any other between being a kid and an adult you mean yes thank you but like that idea of saying like this is me fat and this is me fit like there's no like okay this was me sure living an apartment this is me living in a house this is me before i learned c plus programming yeah and this is me after i learned it can you tell right i programmed this facebook i don't understand i don't understand the obsession i used to not be able to cook quinoa now i totally do and i eat it all the time can you tell before and after you look so much happier in the second picture yes the quinoa i told you i learned it's an ancient it's an ancient grain superfood it's a superfood and an ancient grain this is me pre goji this is me after goji you can

tell because i'm fucking i have a 13 pack and i'm fucking glowing and i'm floating six inches off the ground i'm floating six inches off the ground i'm shooting beams of energy out of my out of my chi holes oh it's i went super saiyan there it's out i went super saiyan thanks to my goji and my ancient grains uh if we want to buy more goji and ancient grains we got to get some money so let's do that we talk a lot about sex toys on this program we tweet we do i know thanks to our friends extremestrains.com but i want to i want to change it up i feel like we give so much coverage to extremestrains.com's sex toys that we miss all the other great options i get on my groceries off extremestrains the claiming of sleeping beauty that's a book you could just buy that

it's by an rice it's a very uh it's a book about the creator of sleeping beauty uh who is very litigious um and there are a lot of people who wrote basically sleeping beauty knockoffs and so this writer had to like defend her intellectual property it's very fascinating stuff very interesting uh there's probably not about that at all there's also a book you can pick up called bondage for sex which is a great i'm glad they're differentiating from uh i i don't know bondage for tax evasion i don't know the other reasons for bondage pipes pipe sealant i'm guessing i guess uh you can get that bondage for own protection the bondage for your own safety you're aware for werewolves yes yeah exactly um or maybe like you just can't control yourself around chocolate chip cookies

you know like if you put me in front of them i'm gonna eat them so i'm gonna need you to strap into this bed get me back there's a paddle that's great for strict parents or for getting pizzas out of the oven if you uh that is if you want the bottom of your child or the bottom of your pizza to say slut on it backwards doesn't well you make you make this amazing artichoke slut pizza can you can we have that for dinner tonight can we have slut pizza for dinner tonight absolutely that's all that's the only thing on my menu and i mean of course there's nipple clamps there's so much extremestreams.com chastity devices which are like the opposite of sex toys think about it uh and and so much more the good news is you can get it all 20 off by using the

coupon code sexabunga that's sexabunga uh you didn't like you just said it again you didn't spell i was i was one more time sexabunga that's sexabunga uh spelled just like it sounds spelled just like it sounds all capitalized and with three exclamation points and unsettling uh it's all waiting for you to extremestreams.com go get 20 off right now uh i have a message for blaine from mary who says in just a few days we will be married i can't properly express how excited i am to spend the rest of my life with you i look forward to years of cats video games and traveling all over the world i love everything about you and hope that someday we can finally own a horse together i did not misspell house this is i'm sure this comes as quite the surprise to blaine

um a horse is like the best shelter i think you can have like a tax shelter no like a living place oh okay um because i would point out though that if you're hoping to travel the world maybe having a pet horse isn't the way to go because you can't really like take them with you and god no and then i god i don't want to like you're not gonna want to leave them that's the problem all your plans for you know you can make all these plans we're going to be different from all the other horse owners we're going to be cool you know uh but once you have the horse everything changes yeah you're going to want to stay home more you know maybe another maybe a night watch another night watching project runway runs not so bad because you get to do it together as a family with your horse

i've been looking into this two bedroom two bath horse here in austin uh i can get it for a song it's really competitive the horse market i got a message for alexandra splindor from alexandra splindor and uh she says hey brothers it's my 20th birthday on the 21st i want to treat myself to a special birthday message for my favorite trio my friend amber introduced me to your show via corn cowboy and i've been obsessed ever since your show has helped me get through life with a smile denny glover you all uh p.s can griffin say sugar water like sugar water there you go um we at man we had a fucking exterminator come to our house uh because we have a very serious problem um and my cat like went apeshit on him like i've never seen my cat like freak the fuck out

before and when i told rachel she was like is it possible that he was a bunch of bugs in a suit like the cockroach guy from man in black he's a bunch of bugs in a suit being an exterminator seems a cruel twist of fate that's maybe or else he's just like false flagging it and spraying water he's like sugar water sugary spraying all around my house it's like you want a little bug buds you shouldn't have any more problems with that we've we've sprayed it with a deadly toxin you sound like torgo is that where you're going the only way to check it is to leave apples on the counter a dish of jelly well that seems perfect uh we have one more message uh it's for alicia kneel uh from justin gray happy birthday happy 30th birthday to alicia kneel wonderful painter

beloved by corgis never ending story an mb mbam devotee and all around swell lady from her demo partner in crime and co-liver in sin justin may this year bring you the fanciest of cocktails macaroons adventures and parties i feel like i know everything about this lady now yeah i have a window into her soul i like that we're on par with never ending story i wouldn't say that it's heavy praise but she's devoted to us both she is a servant of two masters i don't think we could call ourselves her master that's we are now we're a master old alicia please put on this rope uh this rope smells terrible didn't you have this stink harvested i forgot to put it outside the window i'm so sorry new question i'm on a semester abroad in france and there's some really cool girls

here that i've met both english speaking and not i'd really like to take one out to dinner to get her know her better but apparently in europe that is much too serious and reserved for actual couples i feel like anything less than date just puts me in the friend zone how do i show interest in a girl without taking her on a date that's from really confused in i don't know some french city i think i can't pronounce some fur in place some fur and put first off friend zone is illusion yep that doesn't exist that doesn't exist um second off for women not girls like this just get all the classics out of the way uh now let me get this is in the country it's a commonwealth it is a it is a union of nation states let me get to the real meat of this

question what exactly about the last three and a half years we've all spent together have you said boy these guys have such a good handle on how relationships work in america i bet that they're just experts about all around the globe like do you really think they seem like intercontinental classy gentlemen you think we got so smart about relationships in america that we've like branched out to challenge ourselves we don't know where to put hands the only thing we could tell a guy is not to touch people's butts like that's where we're at caveman status is it possible that it is simply like and i know you said english-speaking and non-english speaking but is it possible that it's just like different connotations to like here when you say go on a date it just

means like you're going one on one with the person to go do something and maybe there when you say like go on a date it just carries a different kind of weight because what difference is there like if you just said like hey do you want to go hang out and see a movie how is that different travis i don't know it's literally god damn country i i don't know the question this person's asking is like hey they don't want to call it a date how do i still get to know him by by just hanging just being just being around them and then like listening to them talk and then interpreting the things they say and then like storing that data without having to label it like an american that's the problem that's the issue that's the issue you gotta think a little bit more european travis you're going to

europe in a couple months how have you started to recalibrate your thought patterns well i got a passport sure that's key um do you hold on diving on the other side of the road does this person have a passport do you have a passport have you checked their passport that'd be a good way to learn some stuff about them let's yeah like their passport let's pack each other's bags for travel let me see all your vices can i check your can i check your receipts for travel i do you have anything to declare have you brought any fruits or vegetables you have any hey just a quick question just to just quick get to know you you've got any foreign soils got any jars of foreign soils that you're sneaking in i was wondering about um uh art your youth and specifically your youth of within

the last three weeks and have you interacted with any livestock i know that this is uh the brother's macroi told me that this is a uh a social faux pas but i'm gonna have to stick my finger in your butthole just to let make sure you don't got any foreign soils in there or livestock i have a bit of a problem don't do it why are you trying to start a relationship that you know when the semester is over it's just gonna end in heartbreak didn't you see fucking before sunrise or after sunset or after or after sunset or from dawn 12 30 then a movie called 12 30 it was a minute long they were at hearties and they were eating a triple they were drinking a triple thick milkshake and at the very end of the movie she's like why are we eating at hot and then credits

hauntings it's it is not linked later's best work in fact i'll go out on limits call it its worst work you know that was the last movie roger d whatever saw his quote upon leaving the theater was oh man stop it not like this not like this you guys want yahoo not now you guys want yahoo night's mystery yeah please this yahoo night's mystery was sent in by nathan whole thanks nathan by yahoo answers user cassie who asks simple cosplay ideas for me i really want to do a cosplay for crazy day at school but i don't have any money to buy and thing is so is there a cosplay i can make with normal class but still have it look cool i have wavy shoulder length blonde hair and blue eyes wait are you're so she's asking is there a cosplay i can do without

dressing up no no no she has normal cloths not a big budget she needs a lot and give me give me her look one more time shoulder length blonde hair and blue eyes wavy wavy ass hair oh imagine wait is that buffy could she do buffy no i think i'm more like a carry bradshaw you could go as carry bradshaw it's a pretty lazy answer expect a little bit more from you you could go as carry bradshaw's evil twin very bradshaw very bradshaw though uh that sounds more like a football player you can go as a football player maybe it's like a scary doctor are you just naming the things that women can be like is that just our here's no i was developing more into like halloween costumes at least at least he went fairly progressive

down that line yeah women can be doctors women can be football players they can be ghosts they can be women can be good hey women can be mummies too you know such a narrow minded point of view all mummies are women otherwise they're duddies uh that joke was a duddy like daddy rock like shut like shan paul i'm sorry what take that thing duddy duddy duddy shan paul shan paul you could be shan paul could you cosplay as shan paul no one knows what he looks like anyways the man's a mystery shan paul is constantly changing shan paul is anonymous shan paul is guy fox it's hard to hear him at his concerts through his mass can you take the mask off shan paul that can't reveal my identity

another thing you didn't know about shan paul is he's not a person according to his wikipedia page duddy rock is the second album by reggae dancehall toaster shan paul so he's been a toaster this whole time you didn't suspect that he certainly has good flow for a toaster toast is done it's brown and crunchy oh man all these are so terrible sorry shan paul but if you're unpopular for long enough you get on the list our fucking random list of people that we summoned from the grave like dr frankenstein to to turn into comedy shoes for our podcast should have had a hit son i imagine him and duffy just has sharing a long embrace like it's okay

okay welcome to my brother my brother and me bullied anonymous um please no names just the names that they gave us duffy squinto shan paul the toaster welcome i haven't been mentioned on my brother my brother and me in three months so proud of you um that's a problem see you have people like french stewart who crawled their way back up to relevance by getting back on the tv and then if we can't talk about him anymore no apparently oh by the way you fucked up duffy is on dallas too so we're gonna have to scratch him off the list and he's also not on duke's of hazing no he's not no patrick duffy wasn't a tom woe pat well woe pat and the dad from smallville well i mean what you you say potato you you say woe pato

how about another question wow you were a hundred percent right travis he was not on the duke's of hazard yeah he absolutely was not it's okay we'll get it in the corrections retractions episode i'll be like that's what episode 200 episode 200 is going to be like things we fucked up through history and it's four hours it's going to be a very long one uh i have a bit of a problem involving two friends these friends of mine have been in relationship for a good few months now however it is common for them to show their affection for one another in public it has even come to the point in which it can be rude for example i would be talking to one of them then the other will interrupt our conversation and they'll start smooching each other is it not just me that has an issue with

this number of our friends also find it uncomfortable what would you guys do in this situation so it's like you're talking about the latest episode of like america's next top model and then one of your friends is like oh hold up smooch break well i don't even think i don't even think that that polite about it i don't even think they interject like hold on talking time is about to be put on hold while i get my smooch on are you can you slide can you can you crouch down low and then very slowly slide your face in between their faces and get kisses on your cheek i'm just gonna excuse me excuse me let me just boop boop boop boop boop so yeah on the latest episode kori pulls this great prank uh i feel like if you made your displeasure with that known just

like once it would be enough to shame them into stopping right i mean have you said like hey that's kind of rude like just say that why just like hey could you guys cool it a bit just say that that's a little bright would you do you know why do you know why because i'm developing a theory on this and and i believe it is because in real life people would rather have that thing in their group that everybody can form around and kind of bitch about quietly behind people's backs then just address it and have it be done because it's more interesting oh my god you are getting real yeah right but like i've seen that happen i've done that before it's like it's more fun to bitch about the person behind their back that it is to actually take steps to fix the

problem travis that is such a good reminder and i think we've gone too long without reminding people that it is it is 20 dirt teen that's true we are supposed to be getting out the dirt washing it out shaking it out and well you can't really wash dirt can you i'm just saying the thing you said the thing you said was dumb and wrong when you try to wash dirt it turns into mud and that's not especially clean okay when you try to wash mud it just goes away okay well then you're left with nothing you gotta bleach it and teach it you know what i mean mm-hmm i don't know what that means i don't either doesn't rhyme with 13 either so what the fuck are you doing you you got clean it clean rhymes with 13 like stop put that

part at the end you got clean it and screen it the screen keeps more of it from coming back so you clean it and then you screen it out okay wrap your friend teen wrap your friends clean it wrap your friends a new protective screen have you thought about like a fair day cage for your friends oh put your two friends in two separate fair day cages and that will keep um their kissing electrons from meeting put your friends in a box and then put a vial full of harmful radiation in that box maybe it'll break maybe your friends are dead maybe they're not you are existing in two universes simultaneously where your friends are both necking and not necking isn't that a little bit better no okay nope oh your friends did die

existential dread oh no not again not again sorry maybe or maybe not again we don't know we're not sure open the box don't open the box don't open it don't open that box but open christmas you're gonna see some limbs limbs all kimbo all kimbo it's gonna look like two giant guy phone stevens in there hey uh thank you so much for hanging out with us again for another hour we hope you've uh enjoyed yourself half as much as we have thank you there's too much about accurate yeah matt oldenberg i didn't enjoy myself all that much so 50 with the model through it yeah just like we did uh jordan b megashurry uh zacharias scrooge mcdonk uh ray friend and shon uh lute gain don zacharias thank you so much for sharing the show we sure appreciate it

a lot um i want to thank john rodrick and the long winters i'm gonna i want to put myself out there make myself a little vulnerable for a second and just thank john rodrick and the long winters for the use of our theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed heard a lot of people say griffin i bought putting the days to bed where do i go now how about when i pretend to fall how about um the other one the name of which escapes me the name of which i cannot recall that would be a badass name for an album how about the name of which escapes me there's the ultimatum e p and that's one lot of albums maybe four or five maybe we might as you're looking then john rodrick will make more for us mm-hmm he's just been waiting for you this whole podcast is basically a pyramid

scheme to get people to buy long winters albums so we can get that new one anyway thanks john rodrick thanks long winters uh and then if you're looking for something else to listen to go check out the other uh max fun podcasts uh stop podcasting yourself throwing shade jordan jesse go bullseye um and check out saw bones it's a it's a podcast all about pp it's not all about pp i mean i listen i listen to this week's episode you guys talk about nothing but urin on your show it's a medical history show but okay anyway there's not some other shit if you like if you want if you want to listen to a uh pp cast well then urin luck with saw bones starring joston mackroy cindy mackerel griffin didn't you have a last question for us i have

last one yeah the last one um this one was sent by jacob aller thanks jacob it's by uh who answers user king k who asks what inventions did paul bunion make my name is jesse mackroy i'm travis mackroy i'm griffin mackroy it's been my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips maximum fun dot or comedy and culture artist owned listener supported