My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 170: Land Before Time But After Pizza

Episode Date: September 30, 2013

Our celebration for the arrival of our Earth's crispest, most autumnal season continues. Grab a pumpkin, a pile of leaves and a pint of cider, and join us as -- Oh, man, that cider's just full of leaves, now. Go ahead and toss that out. Suggested talking points: Lil' Breaking Bad, Cat School, Rice-a-Grody, Costumery, Little Caesar's Prep, City Similarities, Centaur Myths

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome to My Brother and My Brother Me, a very honored advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother Travis McElroy. I'm your baby brother Griffin McElroy. Gosh, could not. This is huge. I want to say, gosh, where to start? Thank you so much.

Welcome to new listeners, I guess, obviously. And thank you so much to Vince Gilligan, Gilliam, Vince. He just meant us. Vince Gundam. Thank you, creator of Breaking Bad. Seeing My Brother and My Brother Me referenced so many times during the finale. I counted 18 discreet references to My Brother and My Brother Me. It started innocuously enough. When Jesse was like, guys, I've got to listen to me, Beaver, and Trunch, these two friends. I don't want to listen to hardcore rap anymore. I've got a podcast that you guys are going to love. And then there was just what seemed to be a 16 to 17 minute segment. Just a clip from our show. Beaver and Trunch listening to our show.

And it was weird because it was basically just like Jesse staring expectantly at Beaver and Trunch like going, ah. You like this, right? Just wait. Wait till they get to the extreme. They do this one bit about horses. They do these 1,000 different bits about horses. It was a weirdly tense scene, but not like a violent tense, but more like a awkward tense because nobody was laughing. But then it just sort of went on from there. My favorite part, I loved when Lamont Cranston's character, what's his name? Lamont Cranston. Lamont Cranston. Well, Lamont Cranston was cooking up some of his meth and somebody tasted it and they said like, ah, this meth is sweeter than the goofs on My

Brother and My Brother and Me. That one felt a little bit forced to me. There were those three brothers that bought meth from him, even though he's been out of the game for a while, which kind of seemed like a plot hold to me, but I'm not complaining because obviously it's genius level TV. And one of the guys was like, you're trying to sell meth to My Brother, My Brother and Me, but he kept referencing themselves in that style. Oh, hold on guys. Oh, I'm checking Navy Club right now. The review of the finale is in. Oh god, it got an F. I probably because of that at the end when I just kind of zoomed like a really big zoom out and you realized it was just Griffin staring into a snow globe. It all been Griffin's dream.

It was little Griffin's dream the entire time and the snow globe fell from his hand, shattered. His hand greased with the grease of a thousand potato chips. And he of course said, oops, I eat all the potato chips. I dropped daddy's favorite snow globe. And the doctor said it's so sad to see a 45 year old man reduced to this. They pulled out and it was another snow globe. And the snow globe, the snow globe was full of snow, obviously. And then in giant block letters, the word bad. And then when it fell to the floor and shattered, and then I looked at the camera and I said, get it created by Vince Gilligan. I thought the polar bears were a nice touch though. Yeah, I don't know why Hurley was chosen to continue on the meth lab. But

so gosh, thank you to the new listeners who found our show through our they're all gone. Sorry, juice. I'm looking the live cast stats right now. They all already left. There were 2.6 million people listening and they're all gone. They all left. So but thank you. Thank you to those who left. Those download, you know, those numbers still spend. And let's let's do what we came here to do, which is help people. You know, I don't want to lose sight with our fame. I don't want to lose sight of that initial call. Around 2am every night, I'm awakened by a very loud cat fight. An outdoor neighbor cat enjoys coming by my bedroom window to antagonize my indoor cat. They hiss and meow and try to fight through the glass to make

it impossible for me to sleep. Keeping the window closed and shades down doesn't help. What should I do? That's from Cranky in Chicago. I think you should let them fight it out. Yeah, they got beef and who are you to try and try and squash it yourself? That's not how the Ammo Kingdom works. It's like Justin and I used to fight a lot and then my dad would be like, well, I'm just going to strap some boxing gloves to you guys and let you like do good out. And I'd be like, whoa, hold on. It's not that bad. So maybe it's just a lot of a lot of blunder, a lot of fuss. But when you actually say, hey, kitty, I'm going to let you fight that other kitty. The way our dad escalated that strategy was that I thought a little irresponsible of him.

Like, I love our dad. But like, once that strategy wore off, he like, he like pumped us full of mescaline and like dropped us in the desert with with swords. And he just like threw a knife down in the middle of us and said, you know, work it out. Then when he said, I'm going to strap knives to both your hands. He duct taped knives to our hands, both our hands. And he blindfolded us. I'm not coming back to one of you. I'm taking one. I'm taking one son home. I'm taking one son home. I'm going to dip into my college fund that I say for you guys. He didn't. But he's a great man. I love him. He did try to have us kill each other, though, on several occasions. But you know,

it made us closer. That's how Pokemon was invented. By us fighting. Why is your cat in your room? I have a very strict policy when it comes to this. I have a closed door. I have a closed door policy for for my cats at night. They have run of the entire house. There's one room that they cannot enter. And of course, that bothers them. So they scratched. So now what I literally have is a closed door with a baby gate in front of it. They cannot even scratch. It is completely my territory. Humans only a thank you. But sometimes when Justin wakes up too early, he'll find his two cats with like a rolled out blueprint staring at the door and then they'll like roll it up real quick.

Meow meow. We're cats. Yeah, there's a Brad Pitt cat eating a sandwich. I've been watching a lot of my cat from hell lately. It's on Netflix. You should Netflix it. So like Jackson Galaxy has been like preparing me for this for this question my whole life. These past four days. Griffin, the way you the way you talk about some programs, I'm just going to assume that one day you accidentally put it on Animal Planet and then threw your remote into the sun because that that is the only explanation for the amount of terrible animal related television. Okay, but all right. This is you. This is you. Oh my cat. I'm going to pet it. Pet it. Love it. Love it. Love it. I pet it and I love it. All right,

bit me. Why did it happen? That's you all every day. This is me petting the cat. Oh, the cat's tail is swishing. That must mean I put too much energy into it with my pets. It's all about how much it's all about managing the energy that you put into your cat because if you overstimulate it, do you know what it's going to do? What? It's going to bite you with his little teeth. Oh, like those little like toy cars that you pull backwards to rev up. But if you pull them back too far, they start clicking and bite you. You got to rub those cheeks too because that's where they get the pheromones out of and then they like smelling that shit on your hands because cats are nasty. Cats like that's true. So they smell their own funk on you and

they're like, yeah, yeah, you my friend. Also, how do you know that your indoor cat isn't antagonizing the outdoor cat? Like, stop. I got a cool stitch in here. Drink totally warm and I get food on the red. I don't understand. Where do you, so where like, where does the milk and and and kibble come from for you out? Oh, you don't get that, huh? You're eating garbage. Do you like that? Oh, because you're poor. I bet you went to public school. Wait a minute. If one cat in a situation went to any schooling, I have to imagine that that's the privileged cat because cats by and large don't don't get a lot of education. You didn't send your cat to private school? Yeah, look, Jackson Galaxy said 101. Have you even seen cat waiting

for Superman? Like the public cat school system is fucked beyond repair. You got to get some vouchers for these goddamn cats. My cat is in fifth grade and learning algebra. Fifth grade grade. I sent my cat to a Montessori cat school. I think I learned as much from my cat as I do from Jackson Galaxy, which is to say a lot. My cat's still in kitten garden. Kitten garden. Oh, okay. Do you guys want a yahoo? Please, anything. This yahoo is sent by Jennifer Cheek. Thanks, Jennifer. It's my yahoo interseaser, SO, who asks. I just ate some rice horoni that expired in 2004. Am I going to get sick? Yeah, definitely realize this after I made it and ate some. It didn't have bugs or anything that I noticed. The box said best before,

not expires, but I still feel like it's going to be bad for me to have eaten. Is anyone eaten old rice horoni before? And then there's an emoticon. It's like a frowny face with a bracket. So like, that's a piece of the rice. I think it's, I think it's, I think you're supposed to pronounce it. Oh, God. Oh, man. This is like my worst fear. We laugh at this person, but I think they're definitely dead. Oh, okay. First off, they're dead. So let's not worry about helping them. I think that everybody has at least a few things, at least I know we do, that are in the cupboard that I have no memory of purchasing. And if I do take it out to inspect, as I have before, the date is always like Clinton administration, like a mystery item. I would argue that I do not because I obsessively

check dates on things. Because you obsessively eat. Because I eat and eat. Because I have no food. We can't keep food in the house. But it's like, I understand having some old shit, you know, sometimes I go to the jungle gyms and I'm like, well, of course I want this weird package of figs. And you know, then I don't touch it because it looks gross. It's fucking figs. At home, it looks gross. It looks great. It's a joke. It's a joke fruit. But then like, I pull it out. I always look like, how do you pull out that back? So rice or onion go, I don't remember buying that. Oh, it's a fucking dry. It's rice. It's uncooked rice. You don't think that shit goes bad? It's rice. Yeah, but there's got to be a threshold that we're like, I don't think this went bad. But granted,

it was nine years ago. I think that this has an infinite freshness. I think that the best before date is a recommendation in this case. Or else they would have worded it a bit more strongly. There should be a best before date and a worst after date. It is best before 2004. It is worse after 2011. After 2011, it is the worst. It can't get any worse. The Half-Life will not reduce anymore at this point. This is what makes shelf-stable food so scary. And why I try to keep as many of them in the house as possible because you can trust shelf-stable foods. They'll be there for you. I do not have the same success rate with vegetables. There's no place in my home where the divide between aspiration and reality is more clear than walking from my produce drawer

to my trash can. I actually this week threw away, and this is 100% true, I threw away a biggest loser branded bag of celery unopened. And I guess the celery was the biggest loser. I bought that in a store thinking, you know, that celery could not be more, there is zero hassle with that celery. It's just like potato chips. You pop open the bag, you eat celery. It is not hassle. That's why I love that in the fridge, it's like refrigerator design here's when, let's make sure we hide these vegetables. Nobody wants to see this. We're going to put it on the bottom in a drawer by itself so you never have to think about the fact that you're not eating it. Did the bag have some sort of like

hyper-color label on it that as it expired, it slowly revealed a picture of bingo looking disappointed at you? Couldn't crack the bag, huh? I get it, man. Veggies be scary. Why are they green? You know what else is green? Monsters. You know what else is green? Godzilla. Bingo is terrified of Godzilla. Hates that motherfucker almost as much as he hates vegetables. Sneak him in the meat. Shhh. This steak tastes weird. It's oozing green. Oh, well, it's meat. Bingo's got to get big. The only vegetables he'll eat are pimento's that are hidden in head cheese. Fat fuck. I haven't seen bingo in a while. He may have slimmed down. Lost 80 pounds. Still big, and he's a little good. How did he do it? Most kids are 80 pounds. Bingo lost a kid,

and there's still a lot of bingo to admire. I don't know who you're referencing. How have you not googled this kid yet? I don't know. You always talk about bingo for Biggest Loser, and I don't know this person. I also, I don't want to google it because I don't want to ruin the image in my head that you've created because I've got like a rich, rich fiction going on in my head. Let me tell you something. You're going to google this kid and you're going to fuck it up because his name has two eyes in it. Stupid. No, it doesn't really. Bingo is his name, but the song doesn't work. It doesn't work for this particular bingo. A big hello to my favorite trio of brothers. As you know, Halloween is coming up soon. I just had

a major upheaval in my costume plan. I was going to be the cowardly lion in a group. My group disbanded and I'm left with no idea what to be. My hair is teal and medium length if that helps. That's from Kaiser McMuffin. I think that when you do a big group thing, one, it works if everybody is on the same level of like commitment and goodness as everybody else. It doesn't work alone. Like one person spent like $150 on a costume and worked on it for like days and days and days, and the other person just like reaches in their closet and throws it on. But it also doesn't work when you're at the party and you all separate to go do other things. Yeah, but then you're just a fucking lion. Like you're a lion. It's good enough.

That's fine. That's fine. You did it. You did a costume. I mean, great, but imagine like you're doing the dudes from Reservoir Dogs, right? And like your other dudes leave you and then you're just a guy in a black suit. What about if you guys paint burn jelly and then your partner leaves you and suddenly you're just toast? Why is jelly crying? Jelly looks so sad. I guess peanut butter just wasn't ready for it. Oh God. I love that. You nailed it. I did. It's a thinker is what it is. I get a mullet. You can go as a mullet. That would be a tough costume to pull off. I'm giving up on Halloween, I think. I think I'm pretty much done with it. Because for two years running, I put a lot of work into a costume as first as a contestant on Legends of the Hidden Temple.

You're like, oh, you're a biker because of your helmet. Like, oh, you fuck. Like these are obviously barracudas on my anyway. Last year I was homeless Elmo because Mitt Romney wanted to shut down Sesame Street. It was political. It was fucking nobody. Nobody understood my art. Nobody understood my craft work. You know, last year I did Martin McFly and I put so much like I built a fucking hoverboard and put a lot of work into it. And the first dude I saw when I walked in to the party, it was like, oh, that's not what are you? Like I was like, I was like, I've got a hoverboard, right? And he's like, I was like, I'm Martin McFly from Back to the Future. And he's like, oh, I've never seen it. I just don't know. I don't like it's so you fucking stress out

about it all month. And then you spend like $45 acquiring the goods. And then like nobody knows who or what the fuck you are. I also feel like I could see Halloween being totally worth it. If over the weekend, like the 28, 29, 30 or 31st, you went to like four separate parties and got four different days of like rocking this costume you spent like 50 to $60 on. But otherwise, you're going to one party for like four hours and you get that initial like, oh, awesome. Yeah, that doesn't sound so bad. Who doesn't want a chance to just get outside themselves for a night, you know? Well, I love myself though. What if I just went as like me on my best day? Is that a good, is that a good Halloween costume? Me just living it.

Actually, our friend, Mike Murdoch, one year recently, he was in his mid 30s at the time and he went as himself from when he was happy in his mid 20s. And he acted like he did when he was happy before he was miserable. It's like, just do that every day. Can you go as America's Next Up Model 2.0 boys in the house? Boys in the house. Boys in the house. Boys in the house. There is nothing more to say about this that will be funny. I don't think anything has been said about it. That was funny.

Me neither. Okay, let me rephrase that. There's nothing on earth to say about this is funny, because if there were, we would have discovered it. I love it. I love everything about fall. I love cider. I love pumpkin spice lattes. I love pumpkin spice waffles, but spice anything with some fucking pumpkins and I'll eat it. I love crisp leaves. I love carving things. I fucking hate like October 1st, Tuesday, and I'm going to have to start like cranking the gears. I got it. I got to kick it in the high gear. Can we just say, can we all agree that like Halloween is dead? It's dead. Halloween is, what are you talking about?

Halloween is, the older I get, the more I enjoy Halloween over Christmas. And that is a set. You guys wait till you're 30. Here's the thing though. Here's the thing though. If I could attend a Halloween party where it was like a macabre kind of like gothic thing, where everybody was just like dressed in black and like suits, but like really nice, like classy outfits, but just the difference is it was orange and black. That would be dope. It's when you show up to a Halloween party and like really, let's be honest, three quarters of the people are wearing a t-shirt with something they've

drawn on a piece of paper safety pin to it. And they're like, do you get it? I'm a bottle of ketchup. And it's like, no, you're wearing a red t-shirt with ketchup written on a piece of paper. It's like, this is sad. Like this is a bad party. Like let's just be adults and get drunk with a purpose. I want my Halloween to be a Dawson's Creek Halloween special. I want the fucking thing to go right off the rails. I want to go to a haunted house where maybe there's an actual fucking ghost up in there. I want to go, I want to, I want to maybe solve a mystery. And then at the end, everyone gets murdered. And then the next episode, nobody got murdered. I think you've skewed into Boy Makes World. I'm, I'm, I just, I just want to be spooked,

I guess. I haven't been spooked in a real long time. Why don't you come, why don't you come to West Virginia? We'll go to the West in the asylum. It's the largest freestanding stone structure in America, second largest in the world after the Kremlin. Used to be filled with poorly treated, insane people and go on a tour. They'll let you sleep there at night. It's crazy. That doesn't sound like something I would be into. That sounds too spooky. I want to split the, split the difference. Split the spook difference. Yeah. Man. Can you remember what I was for Halloween last year? I can't remember.

You and Sidney had a couple's costume, didn't you? We usually do, but. You were the doctor who, Doctor Who and. That was two years ago. What year did you go as Lowell and Antonio Scarpacci from Wings? I went as Lowell and Thomas Hayden Church from Sideways. How about Yahoo? Yeah. Teach me to laugh again.

This guy who was also sent by Jennifer Cheat. Thanks Jennifer. It's for Yahoo. It's his user Daniel who asks first day at Little Caesars. Today is my first day at Little Caesars and I'm pretty nervous. I knew no one there at the orientation. Yeah. Little Caesars class of 2013. Plus I don't know how to punch it. Also, they only showed us how to make one kind of pizza at the orientation. How will we all know what to make if we didn't get very much training?

The store opened like a week ago. When I get there, should I just ask my boss how to do so and what to do? I don't want to look like I need constant help. Additional details. I don't want to seem needy. Man, fucking Little Caesars apparently has like a drunk dad at the public pool method of. Teaching their employees how to work. One kind of pizza you have to learn is the $5 hot and ready pepperoni pizza. Other than that, no one else is coming in going,

you know what I want? That really complicated expensive. Everybody rolls up two o'clock in the morning, gets himself 18 hot and ready and sits in their car. No one is coming into Little Caesars to ask for the chickpea and Chevrolet pizza. It's not happening. Can I get the goat cheese and spinach artisanal pizza? Is your shiitake local, local grown? We got boomperonis. Can I have your corn fed shiitake?

Is your crust organic? I have a problem with, I mean, it might seem that Little Caesars is being irresponsible, but I have a question for this gentleman. Why did you apply for a job as a pizza maker if you do not know how to make pizzas? That seems like a very, a large ethical breach. Justin, let me throw you a different question. Where other than Little Caesars do you think is the base entry-level position as a pizza maker?

What do you think you're saying? I need to go to pizza school first before I get pizza? You're also assuming that they show up to Little Caesars on their first day, like, so how'd you get into Little Caesars? Like, I've been making my own pizzas at home for such a long time, and I found the prospect so rewarding. I thought, hey, I could probably make a career out of this. No, I'm going pro.

I also found out this week by talking to the young man playing Superman in the musical I'm directing. He works at Little Caesars, actually, and he was telling me that his, his role in the process is he takes the pizza out of the oven and he cuts the pizza, and he tries not to burn himself. And sometimes he does not do the last one so well, and he does burn himself on occasion. But maybe because the Little Caesars process is so specialized,

no one needs to holistically know how to make a pizza. You mean you just need to know how you're part in the assembly process. By specialized, you mean they have mastered the craft of shoving a pizza inside of a cannon and then firing it through a superheated oven directly into your mouth. Right. No, yes. This carnival ride costs you five dollars. I believe it was Henry Ford who said the beauty of the assembly line

is that no one needs to know shit about making pizza, and we only have to charge five dollars. Five goddamn dollars for it. Instantly, instantly. It's hot and ready. It's not hot and not ready. It's not cold and ready. It's hot and ready.

I have to actually disagree with the hot part. I don't think I've eaten a hot Little Caesars pizza in a while. I think at my local Little Caesars pizza, I think that they have some sort of robot that makes 500 pizzas at 9 a.m. as soon as they open, and then they just like, they just shuffle up and deal. There was a limited time you could get, they had a pretzel crust pizza at Little Caesars in the hot and ready,

and I actually showed up for one so early that they had not prepared them yet. They were not ready for me because it was like 11 in the morning and I was buying an entire pizza. Hey, how's your day? Hey, how's your day, dudes? It's going pretty bad if I remember correctly, so I thought I'd cheer myself up.

But you know what? If you're cheering yourself up at 11 with pizza, all you're really doing is buying yourself a bad rest of your day. If you do that, you have to roll up in scrubs covered in blood and say like, I had the worst night shift of my life and all I need is pizza. I just want one Zah. Zah me.

You know, when you're holding the child in your hands and it breathes its last breath, you think, well, that hot and ready later is going to make it back. No, but I'm glad that you hadn't started making the pizzas. Man, I'm going to need to have eaten an entire pizza in 11 minutes. But no, how was your important pizza making job that you couldn't get started yet? If we're going to continue to buy hot and ready every day,

we're going to need some money. Not much, not a lot of money. Not a lot of money. Why don't you spot some we'll be good to coast on for like two months. I want to tell you guys about a book. You go to Amazon.com. Here's how you get the book. You type in 50 ways to say, you're awesome.

And then there will be a book there. Just click the buy button. Don't think about it. Buy it. What's it about? Doesn't matter. I'm in charge here. Get out, get in the passenger seat.

Miss Daisy, I'm driving you to a book about laughs and also it has pages. Can I get it at a store or like a local bookstore or do I have to Amazon? Why do you have to get snooty about it? It doesn't have to be a locally sourced artisanal copy of 50 ways to say you're awesome. I'm sorry, is this paper gluten free?

I only read corn fed books. Also, like why the fuck are you going to buy a book without being able to show it to other people while you're buying it to impress them? Good point. Amazon didn't commend me. Oh, Griffin, you just bought a 250 page book. That's going to be very.

Are you going to read all of that, you big man? It's a rebrily rewarding. The book is 50 ways to say you're awesome. It's a collection of love notes and thank you notes for the modern era, which they think they're being cute by putting that in their ad text. But you'll be speaking from my lawyer.

You'll hear from him. You'll be seeing from his mouth because you're a ventriloquist. You'll be feeling from my lawyer. You'll be sad because of my lawyer stuff to you. Call PJ Johnson and Johnson. We'll make him sad for you with the stuff we do. We're good time lawyers.

Yes, sir. We are great, great lawyers with law degrees and everything. We're going to do stuff. You're going to have money. They won't and they'll be so sad about it. Top notch lawyering, okay. Get ready for a feeling coming from law, legal. All the legal feelings legal to feel.

Book them, Dano. Now we're suing ourselves. Feel that? That's irony. Irony that pays you. Car accident, puddle accident, slip and fall accident. Bathroom accident. Hot pocket burns, burns on your mouth from a hot pocket.

We'll do it. We got this, I think. Torts, torts and gavels. Let's make fun of the tabloids. Not the celebrities. All the fake ones probably deserve it. But let's make fun of gossip magazines. The business itself.

Us Weekly Digest is a short, funny video every week where a one man tries to make sense of why these rags do what they do. It sounds insane and it's on YouTube, which is a video streaming hosting. I'm sorry, which one's YouTube, Justin? It's a video streamer, hoster. U.S., it's not U.S. Weekly Digest, it's Us Weekly Digest, but I think either one's going to get the job done.

Just type U.S. and then Weekly Digest into YouTube next to the magnifying glass. And you're going to see these videos and you're going to laugh at them. Hey, what do you guys think about this? U-Pube. I don't even hear the rest. I just liked it. I just liked it.

But your shark tank, here's the idea. U-Pube. All right. They're fox-worthy things. You're asking for $400,000 for a 2% stake in U-Pube. That means you evaluate your company. Let me do the math. $20 billion, yep.

Excuse me, everyone, I have an announcement to make. U-Pube redirects to direct TV. That's my official announcement. Breaking news, U-Pube.com. Redirects to direct TV. You know, guys, I am looking at my keyboard. The P and T keys are wicked far away from each other. This has to be, they have made a concerted effort to stake their claim.

If I can draw your attention to the pie chart, as you can see, 63% of our business comes from people being redirected from U-Pube, and going, hey, that is a good deal. Do you guys know about Wise Guys? I do, but I want you to tell me about it. They're game dudes. Miles and Greg, they design challenges for survival on CBS. But I've always wondered who makes those fucking games.

These guys are doing it, and right now, I've actually met them. They had a game at E3 once that I played. It was the one Griffin, do you remember the one where everybody wore trench coats, and they had napkins in their pocket, and they stole the stuff? No. It was great, and it was a real game. But they made up, but they made games for survival. They've showcased games at E3, and they're kick-starting a game for downtown Los Angeles

that will be hidden in plain sight for anyone to find and play for free. It sounds so dope. It's a noir and player sleuthout clues concerning a stolen artifact and a missing detective. You interact with characters and artifacts, some real and some virtual, while visiting actual locations around LA. That sounds amazing, and I want that. It sounds like it could get real thorny real quick. WiseGuysEvents.com, go there and click on their Kickstarter.

Kick on their starter, baby. Click that starter. Kick-start my heart, don't you never stop. I need, I really desperately need this to get kick-started so that I can do it. Yeah, we need this to exist. You're not afraid of being like, I swear I saw a clue in the LA River. Oh, nope, it's a real body. I feel very sick.

Is this a clue? Nope. No, you have hepatitis. It's clue, it's Clumidia. Doctor. Now that, if you go right now to the website, you're not going to find a kick-start link. That's going to go live tomorrow. Maybe we spoiled it by telling you about it now.

But you got to remember, set a reminder on your iPhone, Siri. Remind me. Clue me in. Clue me in, Siri. Tomorrow. We're kick-starting. We're kick-start-start kicking. And just so there's no confusion, when we say tomorrow, we mean October 1st.

So maybe you'll listen to this like three weeks from now and just lose your mind. October 1st. Listen guys, you've probably tried Hulu.com. You know, you want to stream a TV show. But you know, you're not getting the optimal experience, right? I mean, it's fine. Hulu.com is fine. But there's kind of a VIP lounge just to the left.

If you look to your left, you'll see Hulu Plus. Do you mean Pew Blue? Nope, Lefter. More left. No, Hulu.gov. Bye, sponsors. Well, we had a good one. Hulu Plus.

One thing that we didn't really enjoy about the spot. Can you not put pube in it? You could just not put pube in our brand. For one, for one week. For one week. Maybe try it without it, the pubes. I don't want to step on your artistry. Give the spot a Brazilian, if you know what I mean.

It all streams in HD for the best viewing experience. You can get a lot of current TV shows, like SNL Community, Family Guy. There's lots more. They've got originals. Seth Meyers from SNL has a show called The Awesomes. There's a lot of movies on there, too. It's just eight bucks a month. Check out Moon Boy starting Chris O'Dowd from Bridesmaids,

who's also in the IT crowd. Hilarious guy. That's an original on there as well. Super funny guy. The great news is you don't even have to pay that eight bucks right now because we're going to give you two free weeks from us to you. Go to HuluPlus.com slash my brother. That is one step, not two steps to get free Hulu.

You go to the website, then you slash my brother Travis or Griffin. Oh, no. No, it's one website. You go HuluPlus.com. Pour my blood into your computer fan. It'll take it from there. Make sure you go there, you get the extended free trial, and they'll know that we have our powerful.

And that's important to me. That's all you care about anymore, huh? Go for it. Hulu. $8 a month, you can afford that. You can afford it with your little Caesar salary. You can afford that easily, handily. If you can afford it, cut out one and a half hot and ready pizzas a month.

You don't think they get some kind of discount at little Caesars on when they get high on their own support? On the hot and ready, there is no overhead on a hot and ready. Yeah, because there is no markup. There is such high margins on the hot and ready pizza. They can afford to take a bath on those. Listen, we're making $495 off of every $5 hot and ready, so you can have it for like a quarter.

Can I get one of those day old hot and ready, so they're just sitting in the back? Yeah, it's $5. What? Um, they actually have to eat the pizzas once they're no longer ready or hot. This is cold and old. We got a cold and old for the employees.

You guys have to eat it. Otherwise, they'll just fill up the universe. The staff at Little Caesars is our first lighted defense. That's actually, that's the plot of Wally. They stopped eating the hot and readies and they ran out of room. Also, Wally is a totally tubular dinosaur. This is the version of Wally that was in the 80s.

It was a dinosaur that transformed into a sports car when you ate too much pizza. Everybody had to fly off on space so they got fat enough to consume the rest of the pizzas that were left. And then they could come back because they would have room in their tum-tums to store all the hot and ready, which by this point, we're called noldies.

The original title of the film was The Land Before Time, but After Pizza. All of our clocks are pizza now. Hey folks, this is Kevin Allison of the Max Fun podcast, Risk, where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. If you've never heard Risk, why not start with our 150th episode? It's an all-star lineup of jaw-dropping true stories

from Aisha Tyler. Now, this being the 90s, I was drinking a lot liquor. Don't fuck with your racist thoughts. We're all racist. We're laughing. Tom Lennon. Whenever I walk into a place that's called Mr. Pinkies, I'm expecting Armenian Bumblebee to be like, I got jack-off pills for you.

Jay Moore. Me, public school in New Jersey. I didn't need to know anything because everybody knew you got pregnant by peeing in each other's butts. That's how we knew it. Andy Dick. We've had a monogamous relationship for five years.

I barely cheated on her. And the Daily Show's Jessica Williams. Oh my god. I have like this need to be responsible for some reason that doesn't really benefit me. So like, Jessica, clean it up. Look for Risk on iTunes or, of course, at MaximumFun.org.

Hey, brothers. I live in Kentucky. And when I talk to people outside the state and mention where I'm from, they often assume I live with a bunch of rednecks or that I eat KFC all the time. At first, I played along with their jokes and took it in stride.

But after a while, these false assumptions started to bother me. And I started feeling that I should take pride in my state and try to dispel their negative stereotypes. Should I just let it go when it comes up in conversation? Or should I tell them that Kentucky is more than just KFC, bourbon, hicks, and horses? And that's from one cantankerous Kentuckian.

Why don't you tell those people fuck off? Yeah, just stop talking to people from outside your state. No, it's on the fuck off. Like, so what if the state's full of rednecks and people eat KFC and horses and bourbon? Like, all that shit rules. Yeah, that sounds pretty sweet, actually. That sounds like a paradise state, actually,

what you've just described. Yeah, from West Virginia, I totally relate. Yeah, I think we all relate. People are like, yeah, I bet you're all just a bunch of backwoods. Just people doing stunts on ATVs. Like, yeah, that would be totally cool, if true. But you guys drink a lot of moonshine and play banjos. Like, yeah, both of those fucking are awesome.

Like, what's the big deal with you? I like to challenge people like that. I asked them when the last time they visited was, and the answer's always never, and then they look silly. They look like silly gooses. When I went to school in Oklahoma, the number of people from like, and I say this with all the love in the world, people from Oklahoma who were like,

I bet you guys don't wear shoes. And it's like, listen, Oklahoma, I know you're a wonderful state, but where do you get off? Well, West Virginians do that too, and I moved to Texas. Like, people are like, you roping steers down there? Like, really, bro? But yes. Yes, definitely.

I mean, I am, but I'd rather not discuss it in such a derogatory way. Here's the secret. Everybody come real close no matter where you live. It's all the same. Everything's the same. It all got bought by corporations. Every city's the exact same, and it's owned by Starbucks and the Illuminati, and just move on.

Every city's the same. It's all the same. Got bought by corporations. I don't think that's true. It's... No place has any identity anymore. Oklahoma is like New York stretched out. New York is like Huntington West.

It's like big, flat New York. Take one block in Queens and just sort of, just sort of smush it to the size of a state. New York is one Huntington repeated endless times and squooshed together. That's what always killed me. Like I'd come back to visit from college and people would be like, so how's Oklahoma?

It's like exactly the same as here, but flatter. I mean, like unless you live in New York City, which yes, is on, well, I mean, basically New York City is like big Chicago, but, or like LA. I call it double Chicago. Double Chicago, Chicago squared. Like unless you live in like one of those places or Orlando, every other city in America is the same city.

Orlando gets a pass because they have more amusement parks per capita than the rest of the country put together. That's different. You know, when people ask me how Austin is, I usually respond like, you can get fried avocado tacos like pretty much anywhere. That is literally like the defining characteristic of this city and state for me.

People are like, how's Cincinnati? I'm like, well, it's right on a river, so we have a thriving trade. He just basically recites the Wikipedia page. Our main exports and imports are. I must hit a dude with my shopping cart yesterday at Walmart. That'll teach him. I was buying the ingredients to bake a tartatane today. That's going to happen, too.

Everybody can come over and have something if they want. Got some marco peppers. That's my favorite musketeer. But I almost hit this dude with my cart and he smiled and said, sorry, because that's West Virginia. People here are great and you wouldn't know anything about it if you weren't here. Yes, it's impoverished.

Like a lot of areas, here's a surprise for you. Most places that have these kinds of reputations aren't impoverished because they love going out back and not having anything there. They don't love going to bed hungry because it's like they're fucking identity. They're poor because you corporations that bought everything stole our resources.

So yes, I understand why these stereotypes about reasons are handy because your brain can't hold all the truth. So the brain has to hold convenient lies. Like when I think about Orlando, it literally might as well be a road straight to that big globe in Epcot. There's a name for that. You know, that weird dome. Anyway.

Spaceship Earth. Spaceship Earth. What's up? So you can, I mean, I watched a lot of behind the scenes documentaries from Disney World. So that's my life. I watched a lot of Battlefield Earth. So that's sort of like what I'm into.

Yeah, like if you don't travel a lot, you just fucking make up these assumptions. You just assume the funniest about a state. And then, I don't know, it's... No one's gonna say like, I bet you have like a middling commerce and I bet you rely heavily on tourism, but most of your money is actually made by coal. Am I right?

Like, yeah. That is actually pretty close. Hailed it. Got it. I bet you have average rainfall and pretty common lowest point of the state. I bet your pollen count from your deciduous forest is... I didn't know any, I didn't know any smart things to say. I just said smart sounding words.

And then kind of... I bet your tributaries to your biggest... The water table... I bet your geology is slate and shale. Do you guys want to... Sure. This is Yahoo! It's sent in by Julie Ken.

Thank you, Julie. It's by Yahoo! Answers user woe is me. Who asks, things you would like to tell non-horse people and then there's an enumerated list. I'm ready. Some of them are just like gibberish. Just because he's a paint doesn't mean his name is Patch.

I think maybe she meant Pinto? No, paint. Is that a type of horse? Yes, it is. It's those horses that look like they have splotches. Oh, okay. No, he's not being silly. He's pissed off because you're acting like a retard.

All right. Great. Wow. Wow, cool. I'm glad. You're focused on horse sensitivity right now. We'll circle back around to human sensitivity. Not his pony won't grow to be a horse.

Didn't mean anything. I stepped in a horse poop and I don't care. It's going to smell like horse. It's a barn. I guess this is if you're in a barn with these people. Go complain somewhere else and then in parentheses, animal activists at local fairs. What do you want to tell these people?

That's a really specific problem. What do you want to tell these people? Who don't know about horses? You're a horse person. Listen, we're all horse people here. This is a saviour horse zone. Obviously. What do you say to non-horse people?

People who are cool about horses. Don't offer him that. He quit smoking three years ago. Okay. It seems like a pretty specific scenario. I mean, I'm just taking people off from my horse smokes. Yeah. There's a lot of answers on this, which is why I picked it up.

Oh, of course there are. Oh, of course there are. People love to talk. There's one thing that horse people love more than anything, more than breaking the spirit of a beautiful animal so they can ride it around town like the mayor of fancy land. The other thing they love is judging people who don't have horse fever. As though the thing keeping me from horse isn't the economic barrier,

it's just my distaste for quadrupedal beings. One Yahoo Answers user said very interesting question with a lot of good answers. Fun reading. Had a good time. I like people that aren't there to provide an answer. They just want to comment on how things are going. I like the work you're doing asking the tough questions.

Here's some more answers. Yes, my horses just eat hay. That is what keeps them warm in the winter, not grain. So like I guess in the situations where they're asking, hey, I bet your horse keeps warm from grain. Like, no dog, don't talk, don't run your fucking mouth in here, man. You have no fucking idea what you're talking about. You take your grain agenda right out the door.

No. Which is over there and it opens in the middle because we gotta get horses through it. No, my particular horses don't need shoes. If that changes, I'll look into it. You should put some shoes on that. Hey, why don't you fuck right off? You're not his horse parent.

I just, I just listened to the stuff you should know, horseshoes episode, how horseshoes work. And I'm almost positive that if you do not put shoes on your horse, their feet hurt real bad. Travis, that's where those attitudes come from. Now you're gonna get hate mail. You don't know who, what this person's fucking situation is. And you're talking shit.

No, I don't blanket my horses in the winter. They grow a thick fur coat and do just fine. God damn it, dad. You gotta trust me. You gotta show a little faith. We're never gonna make it through this if you don't trust me. This is what's wrong with America. We don't teach people at Little Caesars how to make pizza,

but we expect people who don't own horses to understand the intricacies of maintaining them. This person, these, all these answers have come from the same person and the wheels kind of fall off the wagon here. Yes, I have three horses on four acres. They have lots to eat and their passengers will manage. So don't tell me the law says they need X number of acres per. I think that might actually be like a law, legal law.

Think that might, I think we might need to call our law experts to do some stuff. Have your horses got a tummy hunger? The grass on down. You got horses? We've got answers. We'll sell you our grass. No, I'm not a horse expert. That is why I have a vet and a farrier I trust

and ask lots of questions. Not knowing every single thing there is to know in the world of horses does not make me a moron or disqualify me from owning one. This now sounds like a person who is a horse person that is defending themselves from other horse people who are better at horses. Yeah, yeah. Eight of my horses died under mysterious circumstances. Also, if you're trusting fairies for horse advice,

you should probably hang it up right there. No, a farrier, a person who drives fairies. Wait a minute, why is a person who drives fairies knowledgeable about horses? Because they use the ferry to get the horse across the river. Oh, no. Read a goddamn book, Justin. I'm not doing this again. He's going to have to take the bridge like everybody else.

I'm not putting another horse on my ferry. Why does that horse? Let me tell you some things about horses. Why does that horse look so sad? He looks like he was beaten. Maybe because he has a long face, literally. Hey. Hey.

Whoa. Okay. So that's just, you're just telling a really bad horse joke at this point. He ran into a horse door. So what if he walks into a bar and then- Why are you so tired? All you did was horse riding. Yeah, you wish that's all I was doing.

Whoa. What? I had a busy day before I got on the horse. I went to the bank. I paid some bills. I bought a saddle. Men, women won't laugh along with you when you crack horse penis jokes. So don't even go there with us.

Okay, now it's getting. This is starting to veer heavily away from like horses. Don't talk about dicks. Just because I'm around a bunch of Republican conservative yahoo's doesn't make me one. A Jewish liberal equestrian? It cannot be. Whoa.

Man. Hold on. Hold on. This is narrow casting, I think right now. We're getting, we're intercepting a message intended for one person. I sometimes worry that as much as I love horses, I might hate horse people. You know?

I hate half horse, half people too. Well, no, wait, no. I'm saying like centaurs. They can keep it to themselves. I'm done with it centaurs. I was prancing around. Just because I'm a centaur doesn't mean I can't poop in the potty like a big boy. Just because my centaur kids only have three acres.

I know what I'm doing. Thanks. They don't have shoes. That's because I'm poor. Yes, I'm half horse, but I also eat things other than hay and grains. I mean, I will eat hay and grains because they're delicious, but I could have a steak if I wanted. Yes, my body does have two discrete hearts in it.

Please don't make jokes about my centaur dick. But yeah, it's awesome. It's really awesome. Oh boy. I'm like Cal Drogo over here. God damn. Thank you so much for listening to our program. We hope you've enjoyed it as much as we have enjoyed making it.

Glad we got to take time to break from comedy this week. That was really relaxing. We hope. Thank you for sticking with us. Maybe we'll get back to jokes next week. Who knows? People made some really cool MB&B and related stuff this week. There was a, first off, I mean, there was a hilarious little cartoon

based on our, the thing we said about swords, if you remember. Oh my God, we tweeted a link to it. We tweeted a link to it. It's so good. So thank you to Agent O'Hara, this is his name on Twitter. He's Tyler Crowley. So thank you to Tyler. We also had someone make a little griffin t-shirt that you can.

A photo shop that I don't think it's real, right? No, it's not. It's not actual. He photoshopped it. We should talk to him and maybe we can sell them because I want one for another reason. Chris Walsh made that. So thanks, Chris. And we want to say again, thank you to Hulu Plus, sponsor Hulu Plus,

where you can binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere and get extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash my brother. That's huluplus.com slash my brother. I want to thank John Roderick in the long winters if I may take a moment to do so. Right ahead. Their music has got me through a lot of hard times and a lot of good times, but it also gets me through the beginning and end of the show because it's how we open and close it.

So thanks, guys, for letting us use your song. It's a departure off the album putting the days to bed, which is on probably Amazon and iTunes and stuff. Is that it? We're done. We did it. Go watch the other MaxFun or listen to the other MaxFun shows. Just go to maximumfun.org and just click links.

The final Yahoo answer was sent to us by Kevin Kindred. Thanks, Kevin. It's by Yahoo Answers User Insert My Name, who says, How can I let King Triton know that I think he's very sexy? My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother, my brother and me.

Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. I still want to say that I want to.