My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 172: Juggalo Church Camp

Episode Date: October 14, 2013

Everything is pretty terrible at the moment. We're not gonna sugarcoat it -- it's rough stuff. Come, friends, come and survive the looming end of days in this, our goof bunker. Suggested talking points: Downtown Confluence, Ham Denial, Off-Brand Rap, Internal Parents, Spooky Macklemore, Love Triangle, The Dark Carnival

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hi everybody, I'm Justin McElroy, and I'm Travis McElroy. And I'm Ray Romano, because we're going to talk about married life, and I thought that it would be fun if I was Ray Romano for a while. This is my brother, my brother me, it's an advice show for the modern era.

Travis, you've been married for almost exactly one week now. Yeah, a little over a week, actually. Just a touch over a week. Helen? Is that his wife's name? Helen, it's me, Ray. Helen. He's spelled H-O-W-A-N.

Ray. Hi, you're all right. Ray Romano. I got kicked out of the house right there, Ray. This is my brother, the Terminator, he causes a lot of... I ate the dog, the peanut butter, Ray. Can I say my name is actually Griffin McElroy, because I'm worried about my brand.

If I go a week without saying my actual name on the air, then people will forget who I am. People might think that I am actually Ray Romano, and that would be terrible for my brand. How's married life treating you? How's it going? You know, it's nice to eternally share my life with someone. Well, it's been a fucking week.

Why don't you hold back on that eternally shit? Yeah, get to seven years, man. Then you're a little bit closer to eternity. You know, in this day and age, not a lot of couples make it that one week stretch. Yeah. What is it, like 50%? We goof. I think there was a Kardashian who actually didn't even cut it.

I don't think they cut it much. It was actually a Kardashian. I believe it was one of the female Kardashian. It's the... It's the... Kardashian Don was the dad of the family. They split up, too. They were married for a grip, though.

They were married for, like, 35 years. Did you guys want some goss? Did you guys... Yeah. I know you come to me for all of your... Some Ryan Gosling? Some goss? No, some hot sip.

There's really no good way to abbreviate that word. But yeah, they're a splitsville. I saw one... I saw Chris. I don't know if that's the lady or the dude. I saw... It's the lady. Bruce is the dude.

I saw Chris at the country's best yogurt. And I saw Bruce across the street at a cold stone. And it's like, I know that you guys are in the mood for a flavored treat. And that's when I knew that things weren't going to last. It's because they wanted an icy flavored treat. And they couldn't get it together on whether they wanted the country's best yogurt or cold stone creamy. I get it, because cold stone creamy, you have a lot more options.

But come on, it's called the country's best yogurt. Real great, Griffin. Are you saying cold stone creamy? Cold stone creamers. Listen, if you want a taste treat, you go to cold stone, Steve Austin. Everyone knows that. Cold stone creamy was my favorite black spoiltation character. He's so bad.

Cold stone creamy. If we can't count on Chris and Kardashian to fucking keep it... Kardashian's my favorite Pokemon. Are we going to make it through a sentence without talking about how good the new Pokemon game is? I can't remember anything to add to that conversation. I saw a lot of kids in line in cosplay. Ask Kardashians? No, they're...

That would be a baller move to roll it to Comic-Con dress as your favorite Kardashian. It was actually an amazing confluence, because we're having a Supasakon, which is the anime convention for Huntington on the same weekend as the Pokemon launch. Oh my God, I don't think I knew that. I didn't think I knew that. Huntington has an anime convention. Is it in the same building that they have the Huntington Fishing Convention? Yeah, the same one, of course.

Is it on the same day? Because that could be just a movie right there. No, we have the anime convention and the Pokemon launch one night, and you should have seen the downtown GameStop. It was like that rave scene from The Matrix, except if everybody smelled like cabbage and had a sword. There was a lot of swords to go around. And also nobody probably went home and fucked after that,

or maybe everyone did. Or maybe everyone did. Maybe everyone did. I think that if you're a dude in that situation, you're hanging out at the Huntington GameStop downtown during the anime convention. You will cry and go, if not here, then when. If not now, then why?

I don't want to get into the invite. If not who, then the Incredible Hulk. That's right. I see you Hulk hands. Come on. Them shit's opposable. Let's do this shit. Wrap the meaty paws around my meat.

I'm gonna tear you out the rest of them clothes. I can think of good things to eat for breakfast and dinner, but when it comes to lunch, I always get stuck on sandwiches. I'm too poor for those frozen meals that you just microwave. Any good ideas for lunch? That's from Board of Bread and Meat. So you want something better than a sandwich that's cheaper than a banquet meal?

Can't be done. Trash? Yeah, I guess just garbage. Well, hold on Travis. I don't think that meets the first criteria. Oh, trash sandwich? No, well, that's still a sandwich. Man, you know what?

I think that, let me tell you about middle school Griffin. Can I tell you both about middle school Griffin? Please do. Take me to the time tunnel. Let's hop in the time vortex. Whoa, I'm drowning. And middle school Griffin. When he started packing his lunch,

when mommy and daddy taught him how, he was psyched about the idea. And he would wake up 45 minutes earlier than usual to bake his own artisanal sourdough and cut off a little crostini that he would bake and season and then sprinkle into his chef's salad that he would take with him,

perfectly preserved in the freezer he had embedded into his locker. About three weeks after that, my lunch routine was a can of Kmart brand Mountain Dew. Sometimes a bag of chips and our mom would buy those sandwich bags that didn't zip. So that was always fun to keep chips in.

I never wondered, where you had to do this sort of origami full to get your chips to stay put. And then just hope. Just hope. It was more of a suggestion of a container. Like, hey, chips, why don't you stay, not chips, why don't you stay right? Well.

I wish we had been more vocal in our younger years because we really should have demanded better. I appreciate the need to cut corners. We deserve zippers. But that's a corner too far. Except they didn't cut the corners off our sandwiches. And also the third element, the third heat that I brought,

because you know how they say every meal has to have three parts of the pyramid in it, was a little Debbie. And it was typically that it had the crispy rice and it was puck shaped. And it had some caramel up in it. Star crunch. Star crunch.

So star crunch, a bag of chips, and a Kmart brand Mountain Dew. And some days I would just like not even, I would just open that bag and I would get so depressed about my 12 year old lot in life that I would just say, fuck it. But I guess my point is.

So you just skip the entree. My point is just skip the meal. I don't think human beings are meant for lunch. I think just light snacking throughout the day is what you're supposed to do. I'm into that Griffin. I think that if you, man, we don't need as much as we eat.

No, I don't always keep this rule of oven trying to. And I've been doing this thing where I fast two days a week. So I eat like six. Talk about this on the show because it sounds like fucking Nate Silver witchcraft. It doesn't sound like. It's called the five two diet.

And basically what you're doing is your game. It's you eat normally most of the time. And then two days a week you have 600 calories if you're a dude, 500 calories if you're a lady. For the whole motherfucking day. Yeah. That's like one glass of water. Yeah.

Basically one glass of water. Now here's the thing. What it is basically what you got is body confusion. Your body never knows when its next meal is coming. So it's just constantly burning fat out of. I've heard of muscle confusion, but you're talking about getting deep into the entire fucking ecosystem of your guts.

Now, Justin, have you ever woken up and found that your body was so confused that in your sleep it was scrolling notes to you that you said like, need food? I carved the word ham into my own forearm using my teeth. No, but I what I have learned is that, man, if you don't eat that next meal tastes really good. There's no, there's, I believe it was Renee Dick Hartz

that said there's no greater sauce than hunger. Yeah. His veil of ham ignorance, I think, is the philosophical principle that was built upon. If you skip lunch, what you're saying is I'm ready for a lifetime of delicious dinner. So when I've actually been thinking about this a lot when Rachel and I start churning out lowlands,

I'm not going to introduce them to ham. Their entire life, I'm not going to introduce them to ham. And then on my death bed, on my death bed, I will pull out a fucking cam's ham, honey roasted, not that pineapple shit. I'm talking bare necessities. I'm going to pull that, I'm going to pull it out from under the bed cloth and say,

I've seen this your whole life. Do you imagine, given there will be a lot of problems with this plan, like when your kids are like, we're going to spend Easter over at a friend Sammy's house. No, you can't, you can't, you can't. I've got this bitch, I've been curing since I was 27 years old. Look at the striations on this motherfucker. This shit's going to fall apart in your mouth.

Uh, bead. Thank you for this gift, daddy. But forever. I don't understand pretty much anything you're saying right now, but I do know that you're going to create an extricable link between the flavor of ham and the death of their dad. So forever, every time the sweet taste of ham comes to their lips, they'll be like, oh, this is pretty good.

This tastes like my dad died. No, no, it's going to. What if they're like, you know, one of those people that just doesn't like the taste of ham and you die and they take the bite and they're like, oh, this is like shit. No, they're going to feel, they're going to feel, I don't guilt it into liking the taste of ham.

If I, if I've made it my life's goal to force feed them ham on my deathbed. Yeah, I think they're going to like it. And by the way, Justin, I'm going to live a full and happy life. And when they eat ham, they're going to remember me fun with a smile. They're going to eat. They will regret his death. They will celebrate his life and also ham.

This tastes like the good times. Ham. For the good time. What's on the sandwich? Oh, mm. This, this, this tastes like the time that dad took me to the lake. We weren't fishing. I remember him for what he was.

Not for what he wasn't. I don't like ham. Hey, I don't know how we got on ham. I don't like ham. Yeah. I'm not into ham. Well, that's because they got ham council. Sorry, big ham.

Sorry, sorry, John ham. Don't let me let you down corporate ham. I am sick of your propaganda bullshit. I hate to keep it and putting our parents on blast. But I feel like most of the hands we ate as kids had like pineapple on them. And that's the word that's arguably sorry, Hawaii, but that's the worst possible way to eat ham. I disagree, Griffin, because I remember very distinctly getting many cams ham

thanks to dad's Christmas giveaway. Yeah. Some people would take home a $5,000 bonus. Take home this giant rump. Because it was all based on what popcorn tan you picked. That was crazy. That was a crazy thing. That was a crazy thing.

I got a big screen TV that way. Yeah. Yeah. And I got a ham like six years running. So the girl I like is into rap. I don't like rap very much, but, and I'm not very into current music, but I told her I love rap. What do I do?

Thanks if you answered this question. I absolutely love your show. Brental Floss sent me to you. Gee, man. You're going to have to fake your own death. Yeah. I mean, that's a lot easier than. Hopefully.

Oh my God. Fake your own death, but make it the result of a rap feud. Yes. Try to set up a situation. Did you hear about Jimmy? Know what? He got shot by Macklemore. Macklemore brought Jimmy down.

Ian Macklemore had a lot of beatings, I guess. Is there a worse rap tycoon that you could be brought down by in, in today's, today's age? Will Smith. He got shot by Will I am. Will Smith shot me to death. I didn't think he had it in him. I said, I said after earth was just okay. And he shot me to death.

I got killed by Ja Rule. To be fair, you guys, if you're delivering the news in person, you're really bad at faking your own death. Yeah, I got shot by Will Smith. I'm dead now. You gotta put, you gotta put white face powder and a sheet and some spooky laying on. Oh, sorry guys. Sorry, my bad.

Avenge me. Why did you get yourself into this old dick of mine in the first place? Hey, everybody, learn from this dude's mistake. And then we'll fail to help him. But first, learn from his mistake. And if the girl says, or a dude says, or anyone says, hey, yeah, I'm really into rap. Go, oh, you know, I'm not a huge fan.

I prefer such and such. No, you gotta drill down into, okay, that ship has sailed. Yeah. What you need to do is you need to drill down it into a specific area of rap music. I would go classic. Yeah, that's good. It's digestible. Also, it's way, way better than anything except for Kanye West,

my beautiful dark twist of fantasy, which is damn, that's a good one. What's that Frank Ocean one from last year? Damn, that's a good one too. Also, check out Tech9, Kansas City's premiere rapper. Well, that was like a decade ago. I don't think he's their premiere rapper anymore. There's actually some dope shit actually going on right now in the rap scene. Yeah, Deltron.

He just dropped his new one. Fucking Doomtree. Okay. Fucking Macklemore. So here's the thing. This is, because I like the rap music. No, you don't. I mean, you do in the same level that we all do,

but I wouldn't say that you're an aficionado. Oh God, no, not at all. I would not argue that at all, but I'm a fan. I enjoy it. My statement is I feel like it's probably the same as like, if you tried to talk to someone who was like super into indie music and you're like, yeah, listen to the Decemberous. Like they're going to laugh in your face.

Yeah, that's like Justin. That's like Justin. That's a Justin McElroy dilemma. Or Justin, when he makes fun of hipsters, he talks about R.K. Fire. And it's like they want to fucking, they want to gram me. Like that's, that ain't deep. So I feel like you couldn't say like, yeah, I'm really into rap music. I love Jay-Z and Kanye West.

I loved when that old lady rapped on America's Got Talent. Yeah, right? Who should, who should this person get into though? I feel like you've got to drill down. And I say it's the same thing with, with hipsters. You make up a name. Oh, yeah. And then say like, well, it's just this little,

it's this little known dude. He operates out of San Francisco. You probably haven't heard of him. You know Stone Cold Creamy, right? Yeah. Oh, if you liked two chains, you'll love three chains. You can pretend that your parents only bought you off brand rap CDs.

They only bought generic. I prefer Run DMD. Have you heard Run D&D? Have you heard it's this Will Smith's seminal album, Big Billy style? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You guys into, uh, you guys into Naughty by Nurture. You know, there's actually a big debate in the psychology community about Naughty by Nurture versus Naughty by Nature.

Do you guys, do you guys like KVP? It was, uh, it was, it was TLC's side project. You got to go classic. Learn like five of the most seminal rap albums. He fucked himself. He said, oh yeah, I like rap. That doesn't mean I, I can do the entirety of, uh, you know, some LL Cool J song.

It means. But the options are, he has three options. One, he backpedals and tells the truth. Well, that's out. Number two, he learns all, he becomes familiar with all of rap music. That's out. He, the only option really is that he, he refined his prior statement. That, oh, I like rap, but I should have clarified.

I only like rap made before 1989. Okay. So you learned, you've learned all of rappers delight and you say, I love Sugar Hill gang. And then you're in the car with her two years down the road. You're fucking married and Apache comes on. She's like, here it comes. And you're like, hey, Steve.

Do the thing. Hey, hey, she's like, do the trademark dance. And you start like doing the fucking Super Bowl shuffle. And she's like, that's not right. Who did I marry? Do you guys want to Yahoo? Yeah, please. Um, this Yahoo was sent in by Paul.

Thanks, Paul. It's by Yahoo. And it's his user question mark. A ghost user who asks, why does my dad think I need a bedtime? So I'm 13 and my dad still makes me go to bed at 1030 on the weekends. If you think this is abnormal, then that I guess everyone is, because all my friends don't have a bedtime. And Don say, oh, your dad is right.

You're only 13 because you know that's bullshit. I'm sorry, is it dongs say? And Don say, oh, your dad is right. You're only 13 because you know that's some bullshit. Don't feed question mark a fucking line. Oh, don't say. Don't say. Don't speak.

Yeah. For some reason, I thought I was calling people dongs that said, well, you know why, hey, you don't, that's bullshit. When did you cast off the shackles of your bedtime? Because I really think I had one through high school. I really, I think I remember mom and dad realizing that I was staying up so I could watch Vault Disney, so I could watch Black and White Zorro. And they went, we've lost that one.

Yeah. Just let him stay up. Yeah, it's not like if he doesn't come home till 11 one night, he's getting some pussy somewhere. Yeah, he just wants to watch Vault Disney. He wants to watch the Making of Tomorrowland documentary. Just let him go. The Making of Tomorrowland?

That's what you were saying? It was about the building of it, but it was narrated by Walt Disney. And it was fascinating. I would crush that. I would watch that so hard. The, I, do you know how I'm 32 years old? Do you know how much I would love it if I had an adult my life that would tell me to go to sleep?

That's the whole reason I got married so that Teresa will look over me and go, hey, it's bedtime. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you so much. Oh, what a relief. I was just keeping my eyes open till you said something. I think we all have an adult inside of us that, uh, oh, no, no, whoops. I think we all have.

Nathan, do you, do you need to talk about something? I have an adult inside of me that at 1030, he goes, hey, both lights out. And I think it's just, I think it's, I guess maybe my heart out of my heart at around 1030 is like a chugga lug, chugga lug. Time to go to bed, Mr. Man. No Walt Disney for you tonight. You can Tivo that episode of Zorro you've been meaning to catch. I actually have two internal parents.

I have one that comes by at 11 and says, hey, it's time for bed. But if I pitch a fit and I stay up later, I have a much more stern parent that shows up at two on the weekends. And says, hey, hey, Mr. Man. Mr. Mr. thinks he's such a hot shot because he's 32 years old. You will get in the bed right this second. Don't trust me. I've got, I've got two parents as well.

One that says go to bed at 1030. And one that the next morning when I decided to stay up till two, the next morning just sits there with his arms crossed going. So we thought we'd stay up till two, did we? And here it is. 730 awake as always. See my second. How do we feel?

My second parent, if I make it to like 11, 15 PM and my, my brain isn't completely in a state of total shutdown, then my parent at 7 AM beats the shit out of me with an extension cord. Travis was pretty, I think Travis was more than I ever remember. When Travis was like in high school, that fool would sleep late. Yeah. You would sleep like 11 or 12 or one or two. You would just keep on going with it.

In college, I used to schedule my classes to only be like afternoon classes. And then I'd just sleep to like two o'clock in the afternoon. And like that, the very concept of that baffles me now every day, every goddamn day. Now I am up at 730 AM. Yeah, I would, I would go to like two was my usual bedtime in college. That's insane. That's like a different human that was in my body.

I look at that now and go, what were you doing? Why do we have so many people just coming in and out of us through our revolving doors? That's what life is like. Life is like you're, it's like being James Bond. You have different actors playing you throughout your- The seven stages of man, Griffin. In the morning, he has four legs. Wait.

Hold on. Yeah. And then, then he's got three because one of them's waving. My wife and I both love dressing up for Halloween, but we have one problem this year. None of our friends are throwing a party and our apartment is too small to host one. We have no kids to dress up with or take trick or treating. How can we celebrate without being two costume loners

in our living room main lining Downton Abbey? That's from not so scary in Salt Lake City. You don't need kids to go trick or treating. You don't need trick or treating to have fun. You need, you specifically need to just chill and watch Downton Abbey. You've been given a pass. Here's what I'm, here's what I'm going to hit you with. The Halloween block party in Salt Lake City, okay?

6 p.m. to 1.30 a.m. Got a costume contest. I'm reading their Facebook page right now. Got a costume contest. Got a DJ. I, okay, I have just noticed that it was in 2009, but wait. Hold on, hold the phone. Wait, hold the phone, wait. It's still going.

It's still going. It's amazing. The Dowager Countess is going to be there. There's that really cuddly looking lab, Labrador. There's a, oh no, wait, that's the, that's Downton Abbey. You should do that thing because it sounds way better. Jonathan Reese-Davies is going to be there. And also that kid who played short round in, oh no, sorry.

That's the Comic-Con. Oh my God. October 26th, 7.30 p.m. Head on down to the Maverick Center and you're going to catch the Macklemore and Ryan Lewis Halloween 2013. Yes. There's your event.

Go dressed up as Macklemore. Did you know that during Macklemore and Ryan Lewis's Halloween shows, they change all their lyrics to be spookier? This is true. That, that, uh, this is the moment they actually, at the end, they say, And vampires can't hold us. This is the night. It's super spooky.

Mm-hmm. When I was nine, I thought that I was a skeleton. Can we have money? Yeah, I can get you something. I had a terrible thing happening this week where I, we recorded Saturday Night Live for because of a sporting event. It didn't start till a half hour later. My DVR didn't know that.

So I got half hour of sport and then only the first hour of SNL. And they, they put the really bizarre stuff at the end always or the stuff that they know isn't going to work, but they have to fill time. Sometimes it does. And I, I love, I love that stuff. So, uh, guess I didn't panic though. You know why? Cause I got Hulu Plus.

Nice. With Hulu Plus, you know, you can stream everything in HD for a great viewing experience. TV on the go, finish smartphone or tablet. And, uh, you, you can watch shows when you miss them, which I do. That's the whole reason I have a subscription. And so I can A, mainline a bunch of shows. Like I've been mainlining, uh, uh, America's not the top model boys in the house. Jesus 2.0 is still popping off.

I can't, every week, the guy I think is going to go home, doesn't go home. He's, he's clutching it. He's clutching it. He's not letting go. You can check out exclusive content, including Hulu Originals, like The Awesome, starring SNL Seth Meyers and Moon Boy, starring Chris O'Dowd from Bridesmaids. I got movies if you want that. Uh, and it's only eight bucks a month.

You sure? That's the thing is like, I've got a fucking busy schedule. But for eight bucks a month, that's worth like a solid weekend veg out of just like nothing but Hulu plus and the dollars. Like that's, that's like half a movie ticket. Great news is we got a, we got a special deal for you. Hulu plus.com forward slash my brother. Get on over there and you're going to get an extended free trial.

How can you beat that? You can't. The answer, you can't. I can tell you how to stop trying. I can tell you how to beat this though. And I'm pointing my day. Well, Griffin, you're going to beat your dick, but you can't do that. You don't have anything in your home to beat your dick with.

I have hundreds of things, but continue. I have so, so many. I could, there's, I have like four avocados in the kitchen. What the fuck are you talking about? If you're going to beat your dick. Did you hear about Griffin's cock-a-moly? It's delicious. I'm dead.

If you're going to beat your dick, turn to the professionals at extremestreams.com. They have everything you need to fuck so good. You want a flicker whip? You want to put pictures of your whip up for everybody to look at? That's, put them on flicker. But if you want a flicker whip, that's a braided whip that will make them stand at attention. 27.5 inches braided nylon tassel to tip, handle covered in rubber, and you're going to feel a powerful state.

Do they have with the impact of your whip? Do they have tumbler lube? No, they do have, they do have a Clitter Twitter, which is nice. Interesting. Do they have live journal, but, but, hold on. Do they have live journal sex? Seven inches long. Put it in your urethra.

It will shock you. This is not a torture. This is sexual pleasure. This is sexual pleasure. And it's the electrical urethral sound for just 59, 19. I have a pretty deep urethra. I have a urethra that goes like really far in there. So seven inches sounds just about right.

If any of this sounds good to you, and I'm sure it does, go extremestreams.com. Use the coupon code SEXABUNGA and you're going to save 20%. I mean, here's the beauty. Even if none of that sounds good to you, they have such a selection, you're going to find something. God, they're just the best. I've missed them so much. I got a message for Pete.

It's from Colin and Nate. Colin and Nate say, Happy birthday from your two brothers on your favorite show about brothers. Thanks for introducing us to all the Maximum Fun podcast and getting us addicted to that sweet, sweet drug of chuckles. We hope you have a great birthday, but no matter what the macaroos tell you, don't kiss your dad's square on the lips.

That would be weird. Travis kissed our dad's square on the lips. Dad kissed me on the lips during our wedding. During my wedding. Not my daddy's wedding. That's not it. We say that every week, but that's not something we do. And then dad was like, what's up?

He did it. I tried to stop. What's up? Special moment. Travis tried to turn away. It looks like he got half mouth. I swear to God, he just got mustache. I was, I mean, I was riding shotgun on that love chain.

He grazed mustache. There was no lip to lip contact. You literally were pushing him off of you. Yeah. Travis, who's the other message for? The other message is for Steven Ellison. Do you want me to keep going? Yeah.

Yeah. It wasn't the beginning of a fucking great conversation between the two of us. I felt this was an interview. Just two brothers rapping about who the messages are from. The message is from Ash Stokes. And Ash says, Steven celebrates his 23rd name day on October 8th.

You're no friend of mine, but congratulations on becoming a man grown all the same. Now, if only you weren't dumber than 10 butts. Come on now. Don't you sign up for Thanksgiving. It's nice we could bring the friends together. Yeah. I mean, I've noticed a trend.

I think it's just the sort of the nature. It's sort of the fact that every one thing in the world is getting coded in mood slime. But I think that our messages have gotten pretty nasty lately. I'd like to see some positivity. Next week, I would like, well, no, not next week because I'll be in Scotland. But I would like to see some various messages

that were just like, hey, it's not your birthday. It's not an anniversary. I just want to say I love you. Do you remember that one that was like, happy birthday, Steve? Also, fuck you, you fucking asshole. Like, can we not give Steve a break? On this day of all days on Steve day?

To be fair, you did miss Steve day by like five or six days. Yeah. So now who's the fucking asshole? Let's see, this is getting heated now. Now we're getting the mood slime on us by contact. I'm already fucking on. I'm the choke off of mood slime already. I'm fucking coded in that shit.

Everything's so shitty, guys. Do we have any- I actually like the mood slime. It cleans my pores. Do we have farm wisdom? We don't even have farm wisdom. Well, that's because farm wisdom is a government program. I can't fucking believe.

Farm subsidy wisdom, farm subsidy wisdom. I hate to hold the baby over the cliff. I hate to put the tiger on the table and yell at it. But if the government shutdown isn't fixed by next week, we're going to cancel the show. That's what it's going to take. We got to- And you know what?

Even if they do fix it, I'm canceling the show anyway. Just to show them what they've done. Write your senators and congressmen right now and say, I want to see a letter. I want someone to send me a letter that they get from their senator or congressman that references the fact that they're sorry that they didn't get there.

My brother, my brother, and me. Tell them we're a government program and we got shut down. Can we organize a million mom march? How hard is it? How hard is one of those to throw together? How many moms do we know? I know like eight. How many do you guys know?

I could probably pull in like six. Nobody 14. Nobody has babies. I know nobody has babies. I know a lot of home brewers. How about puppy moms? If you're a mom, send a letter to your congressman. I think that our cause is the kind of cause

that we could really get all those moms fired up about. Because we all have- The cause of- We have- What's our cause again? Do we have a cause? I'm just angry. The government shutdown's not funny anymore

and it's the only intro we have. It's the only thing that's going on. It's the only thing anyone's talking about. We're definitely going over that fucking fiscal cliff too. Don't even worry about it anymore guys. It's four days away. Don't even worry about it.

Just get excited about it. Just like it's like you're on the King's Island ride and you're going up the hill and just know that it's going to go down the hill and it's going to be like a fun apocalypse thing. Just stay behind Warren Buffet and you'll be safe. Yeah, go buy some seeds. My name is Graham Clark.

My name is Dave Shumka. I'm the other guy who hosts Stop Podcasting Yourself. And I'm the other guy that hosts Stop Podcasting Yourself. We are from Canada so we don't know many of your ways but what we do know is quality podcasting. And whale blubber. Yeah, there's 50 different words for podcast in our language. We would say all 50 of them

but why don't you just listen to our show and you'll get the gist of what we're about. We bring a guest on. We talk about their lives. We talk about our lives. We talk about things they've overheard. It's a great time. And you know what? You're not going to regret it.

Stop Podcasting Yourself available from maximumfund.org or on iTunes. Brrr. That's what we say in Canada when we're cold. At the start of the year I went on a handful of dates with a girl. We only went on two and then we stopped which I wasn't hugely upset by. We're still friends and we see each other occasionally. She's now dating my best friend who I live with.

They're at our house all the time. They both seem to think it's a lot more awkward than it actually is. When I'm around they both hide away or sit at opposite sides of the room. They stop talking to each other and they both look really embarrassed. I don't really care if they're dating but it seems the two of them think that I care. I've told them I don't really care

but apparently they seem to think I'm lying or something. I can't exactly pack my bags and move away. So what should I do? That's from Big Time Awkwardness. Way to tire fucking arms. Wow. I had that one cocked and ready and loaded from like sentence two. You're like-

You do need to move out though. Yeah. You gotta get out of there. Yeah. You don't have to move away. You do have to move over there though. Over in that direction. Maybe two blocks down.

Maybe kind of like a more natural solution. Something that I think might make them more comfortable. Winter back is- Oh sorry go ahead. What? Winter back. Sorry winter back. No when you're in the room with them

maybe instead of just telling them that you're okay with it maybe start encouraging them maybe even directing them in some displays of increasingly intimate affection. Okay. So you're sitting there on the couch. They're sitting there on the sofa. Start slow. Start slow just hey Daryl put your hand on her hand Daryl.

Isn't her hand soft Daryl? Stephanie explores body. That's good. That's good. That's very good. Nuzzle her. Now do that one thing we did together that one time. You remember that thing I did to you so right?

Do that to her Daryl. Oh what that she- You don't remember? I took you to Shoney's. Take her to- Take her to Shoney's, Daryl. Take her to Shoney's, Daryl. You said it was the most erotic thing anyone had ever done for you.

They got you all those free suckers. I want you to be like Arnold Schwarzenegger in True Lies directing Jimmy Lee Curtis as she strips. I want that level of uncomfortable. Only it's a duo team. Yeah this is gonna this is gonna be super erotic. I want to see you two get to the concession stand which is not really first, second, third or fourth base.

It's a little bit before but really I mean all of this is foreplay. Buy her a liquefied made Daryl. Buy her a liquefied made. Daryl you know those gumballs that look like tiny baseballs? She loves those. She loves those. Buy her a liquefied made Daryl. And then start crying.

And then start crying so hard. I miss you. I miss you Steph. Remember I used to buy you ice cream helmets. I miss you so damn much. I miss you so damn much Steph. Do you guys think it's acceptable for adults to eat liquefieds? This isn't a question.

I know I said it like a question that we have. I'm asking you right now. I love liquefieds but I cannot think I'm just thinking it would look like I don't know. I feel like it would look like an ogre eating a child's play set or something. Like I feel like I can't eat liquefieds. I feel like if another adult saw you doing it they think oh that's horrendous. That man has stolen some child's candy. I think I feel like I look like a fraggle eating a building the doozers built.

Like just a very sort of. I think the better simile is you would look like an ogre eating a liquefied because you're dipping that's the kind of shit that's okay to eat when you're a kid. It's like oh you'd need a vehicle for this straight sugar powder? I would be less upset seeing you just mainlining coke. Yeah or no probably not that. You got to be careful though because there's a lot of very cheap but fake liquefied circulating. It's that it's that it's that liquefied crocodile you think you're going to get

you think you're going to get a flavor treat. Hey everyone can you stop posting pictures of crocodile on social media? I think I'm overseeing those. I don't think I need to see you. You're not going to be afraid anymore. I don't think the fear of crocodile has any actual purpose in my life. It's not like I was on the street like I need some thrifty heroin on the cheap cheap. Can I face something out to our question, Oscar?

Yeah. What about this? It sounds to me like they kind of want you to be a little bit upset about it. Why would they want that? No no no because it seems like they're unwilling to accept that you're not. So maybe you could just play into it for a little while because I think here's the thing. I think that maybe they have convinced themselves that they feel guilty about it and they feel like they need to like they feel like they need to feel guilty about it.

To get wet? Well no. You don't have to do anything to ingratiate yourself with these two to help them get it to help them get get get their craft noodles go and I don't think you need to worry so much about that because that's definitely what this is this this sex triangle you've just described. I was saying you could just pretend like it I've set you for a little while and then forgive them and then they would believe you.

It had nothing to do with intercourse. Well it's all means to in it, isn't it? Well I mean that's true. How is their intercourse? Have you asked them? Probably not. Do you guys want a yahoo? Probably it hasn't come up.

I have a yahoo sent in by Drew Davenport. Thanks Drew. It's by yahoo and she's your Timmy who asks. Am I really in a gang? So I was playing some B-ball that's short for basketball with friends. Here's our ages. Me, 12. Friends, 12, 12, 13, 14, 9.

Wait go back. I just started over. I didn't have my pad and pen. Okay. Okay go ahead. We're doing only three 12s, 13, 14, and a 9. One of them is wearing red shoes. No.

One of them. No one of them can't. The 13 and- One of them has a bag of corn. The other has some chickens. You only have one boat. They were playing some B-ball. So they said-

And I'm sorry and B-ball is short for what now? B-ball is short for basketball. And so they were playing it. They were their teens and tweens. And they say they are in an ICP juggalo gang. They supposedly jumped me in. Am I really in or what? I think you may have just gotten beat up.

Did he feel the shiver? What's the shiver? You know when ICP comes over you. Are you saying that moment when you finally decide to start following the clown? It's a fucking- You get down with the clown and- Yeah, when you accept the clown into your heart. You're communing with nature and then like it's a beautiful sunshine day

and then the rain starts falling and it's cool and refreshing. And you just, you see the face. Yeah. That's a fucking miracle. It is a fucking miracle in the sky. And then your friends beat the ever-loving fuck out of you. I mean that's- Every second you think you see Violet J but it turns out it's just your school's jammed and very crying.

I mean you're in the gang- You all been there. I don't think we have, I don't think there's any doubt that you're in a gang now. I think we can- But actions speak louder than words. I mean have you been participating in the gang? Well I mean this, I think this happened, I think they are like literally writing this hurriedly on their phone after they just got the shit, after they just got jumped in.

I think- Oh not like after a couple meetings and- No I think they would, I think they would fucking present that information if like he had to go out and buy all clown clothes. Like I think- They've made me take the minutes. Is that something that gang members do? Yeah it just-

That's gonna look great on a college resume by the way and under extracurricular. Secretary for my ICD. We've done a lot of civic work. We've been cleaning up the neighborhood. We adopted a highway. Young Lurch, can you review the minutes please? Yeah basically Stinky Stan just talked about how his mom is a total bitch and then we all pounded some fego and went home and thanks.

Thank you little lurch. I think you're in the gang is what I'm saying. There's no doubt about it. You're in a gang. You're in a gang. You're a gang member. You're a gang banger. I think is the collective term.

The question is, is your gang a gang or not? You're in a gang. But is the gang true? Is it a true gang? Does it follow the true path? If you're listening to the feds. Oh they'll bust you for anything. They'll bust it.

Well they think anybody who's down with a clown is part of a gang. That's what the FBI says at least. Now Violent J said that he was gonna- And Che Guevara said that they were gonna take the feds to court over this. That hasn't materialized yet but you know they've had a lot of empty promises in the past. You're telling me that Juggalo Nation is like a fucking registered FBI. If they see someone with a hatchet man tattoo, they are public enemy number one. Correct.

They were classified as a Violent Street Gang by the FBI. That's what the FBI said that anybody down the clown. To be fair, that's also true of anyone that likes Dave Matthews bands. Okay that's fair. That guy blew the clarinetist for Dave Matthews band. Get him. You gotta take him down. Would you get those Birkenstocks?

Just let Juggalo- Just let Juggalo's be Juggalo's. I mean it's literally- I think it's all that Juggalo fans have. It's like- And I'm not hating- You think we have- I think I've maybe even asked this question before if we have Juggalo listeners.

Because I don't think it's outside of the realm of possibilities. I think that our special brand of comedy, yes air quotes, would greatly appeal to fans of the Juggalo Nation. If you- If you can get on board with two men in clown makeup, I think that us talking about ghost horses, etc. It would be right if you're out. And you also have to think that at this point, at this point in society,

Juggalo's have heard it all. There's nothing we're gonna say that they're not gonna go, listen we see why you would feel that way. But let me give you a little bit of literature, I think will open your eyes. Juggalo's think our show is a documentary, is what I'm saying. They have seen all of this happen on Drug Bridge. This is all occurred before they've seen it in Prophecy. Everything that we've spoken of.

Do you guys know if they've revealed the third card of the second deck yet? In the Dark Carnival? Do you know? Anybody heard? Are you talking about the Stephen King books? I don't know what the fuck you're talking about right now. All right, you guys, okay. So the Juggalo, everybody, if you haven't listened, read Nathan Rabin's book.

You don't know me, but you don't like me. It's a book that simultaneously chronicles fish fandom and Juggalo fandom. Are fish fans considered dangerous by the FBI? They're considered highly- Dangerously mellow. Dangerously chill. They are murderers because they're like, hey, listen to this one song. And then you're like, afterwards you're like, oh yeah, that was good.

Oh my god, I'm 86 years old and then you die. They're like the angels. I was a young man and now I'm an old man. You looked away. You looked away from the groove. There are. The groove touched you. Don't blink.

Also, don't listen. It's not good. I bet he's going to do a G next. Nope. Ah, fuck, 60 years went by. Shit. I was supposed to pick my kids up from soccer practice. They're definitely skeletons.

I hope someone raised and fed my children and picked them up from soccer practice. I hope they weren't wolves. I like fish. Shut the fuck up. You shut up. Okay, so I'm going to give you the brief summation of this because I know we don't have much time. The dark carnival is the afterlife, right? That's what that's what ICP says.

They have. That sounds terrible. That's like the opposite of what most churches espouse. Okay. Yes, correct. They have basically instead of a Bible, what they have is the Joker's deck, right? So the Joker's cards are in two decks and each album is a Joker's card in the deck. So the first deck was like the first six albums.

I think the last one was death and then they came back and they were like, wait a minute. We didn't allow for enough prophecy. We were honestly underestimating how much prophecy we'd have. We've got a second deck of Joker's cards. And we've only seen two of those so far, bang, lamb, boom, and the mighty death pop. Are the two, the first two cards in the second deck. So we're eagerly awaiting what the third card. Is this, are we it?

Are we it? Hey, Justin. Hey, Justin. Yeah. Are you proud of yourself? I feel pretty good about it right now. Are we at Juggalo church camp right now? It's just about to bust out an acoustic guitar and just play three chords.

Okay. So yes, ladies and gentlemen, here's the juggler. He'll cut your windpipe. This first beat on my bracelet represents. Thank you, ICP Jesus. Anybody feeling moved? Come down. Everybody touch Mike.

Everybody touch and cry over Mike. He'll cut your mother fucking heart out. It's a beautiful night outside. Anybody feeling moved? Who wants to stand up and rededicate their life? Let's see. You're all going to go home tomorrow. You're not going to see that girl you're crushing on again.

You can see this free show at the world famous carnival of carnage. Anyone? Anyone? This is my one fucking show a year. Keep juggling, motherfuckers. When you go home, take that message home. Keep on juggling. Keep on juggling.

Never stop. Thank you so much for listening to our program. We hope you enjoyed it. I want to thank everybody tweeting about the show, like Jeslyn, Zagraphos, John Rom, Amanda Waka, Schmoozy, Greg, Aru, Ernesto, Chris Gard, Aru, again, Andrew, Chris Mantle, Evan Weston, Jade Rogers, Luke Foren. Thank you so much for tweeting about our program.

When you do that, please use the NBNBAM hashtag and try to share a sampler. If you think about it, it's bit.ly-nbmbam2013. Also, thanks again to Hulu Plus. Make sure to check out Hulu Plus if you haven't already. I assume you have. You can check out thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere. And don't forget the extended free trial. You can get that by going to huluplus.com slash my brother.

And then huluplus.com, then the forward slash, that one that kind of like leans. Which way? Because there's two of those that you just described. It kind of leans into it. Yeah, even if you, if I hear you out there, you're like, oh, but I don't watch TV. Just think of it as a $7.99 subscription to A&T and 2.0 boys in the house. If you don't, if you don't watch it, nobody, you're not going to have anything to talk to, to anyone. Special PSA, we are not going to have an episode next week because Travi is leaving.

I might make a greatest hits episode from the second, collect from the second deck. That's good. People seem to like that. So how long are you going to be in Scotland, Trav? 10 days. Oh yeah. Okay. Yeah, you should probably whip up one of those juicers.

I do want to say, if you want to get in a good mood, and this is a shameless plug, but I know it's kind of a log shot, but my wife, Sidney and I, who you may know from the Max Button podcast, Sawbones, we directed a musical. It's Birds of Planet Superman. And you got one last chance to see it this weekend. It's in Huntington, West Virginia, of course, at Huntington High School. And it's Friday and Saturday at seven and Sunday at two. So if you can come by, I will personally come give you a huge hug and chill with you.

We actually had some folks come up from Philadelphia. Oh, you're kidding me. If people drove down from Philadelphia to see. Yes. My new best friends, Laurie and Hal, drove all the way from Philadelphia, chilled in Huntington, went to Hillbilly Hot Dogs, had a heck of a time, had a blast on their road trip. You are offering a guaranteed hang. This is a full, full, you come down, we're going to hug, we're going to chat.

You can see my childhood home. You can see where I went to school, you can see where I became me. Another shameless plug. Our childhood home has been for sale for like two years. If you want to buy our childhood home and just like live there in Huntington, Justin will hang out with you every day. Please, please remove this enormous, sickening financial burden from our dad. Please buy this fucking house.

Please buy our childhood home. Our dad has no money saved because of this fucking money pip. Can we do a Kickstarter to buy our house? And then just burn it to the fucking ground. We'll make it an Airbnb for MBNBA fans who want to come visit. Simple offer. Go to Huntington. See the sites.

Go see Justin's show. Buy our fucking house, please. Thank you so much for listening. Great neighborhood. Also, thank you to John Roderick in the Long Winters. Yes, of course, for our theme song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. You can buy it at iTunes, retailers.

Don't Spotify it. I've been hearing some bad shit about Spotify and Pandora lately that they're haunted. They're haunted. They're full of ghosts. Every third song you hear on there is a ghost. Anyway, thank you, John Roderick. Griffin, we got a long layover until our next episodes. I hope you got a great one to take us on a journey.

Yeah, sure. This one was sent in by Ashley Bergard. Thanks, Ashley. It's by Yahoo Answers user Caitlin who asks, where can I get some spaghetti and Denver? I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Ray Romano.

No, that was terrible. Can I try again? I'm Ray Romano. That was pretty good. That was pretty good. It's been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips.

Baby girls, do you want to say that I want?