My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 174: Starbucks Castle Doctrine

Episode Date: November 4, 2013

We're back! All three of us are back! We had a rough patch there, but don't worry -- your podcast flow isn't gonna be interrupted by any pesky wedding rituals for like, three weeks or so. Suggested talking points: Eatotron, The Ron Paul Extranet, Shoplifting, Tick Tock Barber Shop, Guy Fieri's Rat Fans, Herald Lover, Stealing Channing Tatum

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's a new place, and the girls, do you want it? Just say, hey, I want it. Just say, hey, I want it. The weather outside is frightful. Merry Christmas everyone. It's 81 degrees outside of my house right now. It's 81 degrees. It's gonna be a warm Christmas at the McElroy household, by that I mean Griffin McElroy.

I guess that's kind of frightful when you think about the earth and the fate of the world and its peoples. Christmas time has sprung because Halloween's over, so we're full blown Christmas season. I got my scrooged graphic t-shirt on, which I wear every holiday season. Frosty mug of cocoa, hot cocoa. I actually literally just drink some hot cocoa. Well, hey kids, I'm Tom Turkey. Let me teach y'all a little lesson about why Thanksgiving deserves a chance. Tom Turkey, you had your fucking time in late August, and you fucking blew it because you slept through it. I was on vacation. Yeah, I know you were, but you- I'm Phil Tryptophan.

What we should do is we should start celebrating American Thanksgiving during Canadian Thanksgiving, which is in October, pre-Halloween, and just get it out of the way. Listen, okay, straight up though, it's an arbitrary day anyways for Thanksgiving. Like, it changes every year, and it's just, does it really matter? Why not just make it like, I don't know, March? No, no, I mean, we should settle on a fucking date on this fucking thing. September 17th. No, it's the 23rd. The 23rd, I feel like, is a good average Thanksgiving day. And it's not like when the Pilgrims and the Native Americans had their first sit-down, their first collab-o, it's not like that shit happened on, like, a set Thursday. It was a day,

you know what I mean? It was the 23rd, I think. It's not like the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, on December 25th at 638 p.m. Yeah, it would be like, if we celebrated Christmas, like, when was Jesus born? I don't know, Tuesday? The third Tuesday, maybe? I don't know, seems about right? It seemed like a Tuesday, and a Tuesday vibe in the Bible. Historians have a hard time pinning down, nope, 25th, says so. Ecclesiastes, 222. Here's the problem, though, is that if we don't do the Thanksgiving on, like, a floating day, one year, it'll just be like a big Saturday lunch. Like, there will be nothing special about it,

except, oh, we had three more sides than normal. Well, maybe for you, Edetron, that would be your robot name. Because you eat so much all the time? Right, yep. I'm not saying you're fat, but you do eat a lot of, you consume a lot of content. Well, I want other people to not have it. Fair enough, this is my brother, my brother and me, it's an advice show for the modern era. You wouldn't know it from our intro, but it is a comedy program,

and we're going to be serving up fresh laughs to you just as soon as we find our rhythm. It's been a while since we've made a live, an actual program, I'd say about three weeks or so, since we've made an actual, we've been busy. That's not an excuse. The people at home, we're just voices that come into their ears. Like, we're not human beings. They don't have time for marriages and other big, important life events. They don't want to see us wiping off the grease paint. Exactly.

Returning back to our lives. We don't have any stage door Johnny's. They're waiting for a glimpse of us as we slip out the back of the podcasting theater. As soon as we pronounce that kiss your dad's grin on the lips, we die for a week. We die in their minds. We have no lives and certainly don't have weddings. One murder mysteries. But that's okay. We're hearing your ears now.

We're, let us cradle you into wisdom with this first question. Since American politics have become such a hot topic lately, I've been having a problem with one of my closest friends. Recently, he's been getting extremely vocal and animated about his opinions. Whenever he finds a news article or political meme on the internet, although we don't share the same views on these matters, he and I normally have a great time when we hang out. But since he's been constantly bringing up these topics,

I find him difficult to be around. I don't want to ostracize him from my life. And I've told him a few times that talking about politics isn't how I want to spend my time with him, but he just won't listen. Is there a way I can avoid these conversations while also maintaining our friendship that's from congressionally confused in Connecticut? Someone has to be engaging with him. Like, there's no way he's just sitting there and, and Obama, right?

And like, nobody answers and he just keeps going. Because if so, your friend is insane. You gotta, you gotta make him feel small. You gotta, um, you gotta learn so much more about whatever subjects he wants to talk about that you politics him under the table. Like, if you, if you haven't already started, it may actually be too late. But if you need to start, you know, reading Le Mans exclusively, you need to start reading back, back catalog of the economists

and just get like so deep in politics. You could do that or you could do what my parents did when I thought that I would start discussing politics with them. And this is actually pretty savvy on their part. So I'll pass this on along to you. What they did was when I would start espousing political opinions, they would just keep asking me questions about my political opinions until that thin veneer of basically a hodgepodge,

paper mache construction of hope and good feelings, and just a minimal amount of information. And stuff you learned from the Daily Show. And exactly. And that would, it was, that was, became sort of a tapestry that I would, I would, uh, wrap myself in. And they would just ask questions about my beliefs until they crumbled around me. This would have predated the Daily Show though, this interaction.

Like, I don't know where, where did you get- Don't fucking age me, Griffin. Jesus. No, I'm saying you're old as fuck, but where did you get your shit? Like Nick News, what was your- He read it on the onion. The onion. The paper one.

The onion. Oh, that would be great. Every time your friend brings up an article like you read in USA Today, bring up an article you read in The Onion. It's like, and you can believe this, he's, he's mating with aliens. Listen, you're basically fucking describing Facebook. That is basically just my Facebook wall right now that you're describing. Hey, Obama's a Muslim.

Hey, somebody at a mall believed something about a dragon. That's the onion headline, isn't it? I don't read much. That's pretty good. That's not bad. I'll find it. Obama says French fries are Benghazi. I have, I have friends that are, are, uh, uh, I would say very political.

They talk about political things, but like, does anyone really like talking about this shit? Is there anyone that it doesn't make you just feel impotent? Here's the thing. That's the thing. Nobody enjoys talking with other people about this. They like talking at other people about this. They like just hurling facts and knowledge and random shit. I guess in the hopes that the other people listening will just

realize that they are the superior political mind. People say not to discuss religion and politics because it's impolite. And I think that's fair because it rarely leads to any sort of positive discussion. But I think the other side of that is because there also those conversations, almost my definition, can't be fruitful. Yeah. You're going to have one of two things. Either you're going to have two people so dug in that all they are doing is espousing

their own beliefs at the other person and, and until they run out of breath, or you're basically going to have an echo chamber where you're hearing your own beliefs repeated back to you. Neither one is, is healthy. Well, somebody's got to be, somebody's got to be- Yeah, you're hanging a Lincoln Douglas. You know what I mean? Somebody's got to be listening to this shit, though, or else explain Ron Paul.

Ron Paul started with one guy. It was like Ron Paul talked to this one dude and that dude was like, Oh my God, Ron Paul, I'm so into you. And then he told two friends and then they told two friends. And then all of a sudden you had the Ron Paul extranet of, of human beings. You had the Ron Paul hive mind and that was started by, by word of mouth. That wasn't big political contributions. Can I tell you guys a few things about Ron Paul's diet?

How long do you have? I know everybody's lives are so busy, but opening to, to joining with me and opening your hearts and just joining the relavution. That's what we call the revolution, but there's love in there. Let me tell you all about it. Do you like guns? Ron Paul sure as shit doesn't. If your friend wants to talk about politics,

you should carry around in your pocket forms to sign up for the next election. To like make him run for city council. If he is so belligerent about this, make him run for political office. That's your only out because if he's not going to do that, then he's not serious enough about it. And if it does do that, you have to be his campaign manager. Oops, you fucked up now. That's, you played chicken and you lost.

Oh cut to 40 years from now. He's president and you're his chief of staff. And then you're like, Hey, by the way, I've never really liked you that much. This was all a mistake. But I'm proud of the progress that you've made. Too bad that you beat the shit out of Ron Paul in the primaries. I was really rooting for that guy. I heard some really good news about him.

What if every time your friend brings up 2013 American politics, you bring up 1913 American politics, but don't let him know the difference. But like, and I hear that they're voting on something called prohibition. And then to see, see if eventually he'll stop hanging out with you. Or you could always bring up rap beefs. Those are about the same thing. Yeah, but when they got biggie. Who was almost like the GOP.

GOP, when the GOP got biggie. That's when they probably did. I could, I could send you guys some literature, but that, that shit was entirely politically driven. Gryffindor, we got three way beef between pock, biggie and Ron Paul. And let's just say one of them still alive. And then the other two died. Ron Paul was like, Biggie, they might as call you the IRS.

Because I'm not convinced of your continued solvency. And Ron Paul said nothing. He just got it fucking done. He just did the damn thing. Just did the, he did the damn thing. He did that hit. He did that hit on biggie. No, he did it twice.

Mystery solved. And now you know the rest of the story. Ron Paul, 2014. When's the next election? Yahoo, please. As long as we're talking about politics, they say Yahoo was sent in by Harrison Ross. Thanks, Harrison.

It's by Yahoo Answers user of Friendly Cow, top contributor. Who asks, why can't you just walk into a store and take something? Then walk out. Like who is going to stop you? Walmart stopped funding that greeters. So you could just walk in, take whatever and walk out. As long as it doesn't have one of the things that make the alarms by the door go off. That's actually an unspoken law.

If no one sees you, then you're good. It's like, oh, you got us. You're saying shoplifting is legal. If you can cross the barrier and nobody sees you. The statute of limitations on that is until you get to your car. And then once you're there, it's aliyahlyoxin free. I mean, that's the question. If the question is why don't you do that?

The answer is everybody does all the time. Yeah. You've just described the exact conditions through which everyone is stealing everything. Everyone's doing it? I've never shoplifted anything in my life. Can I tell you why everyone doesn't do that? Because it's not exactly like everybody who would shoplift from Walmart is a master thief. I worked in loss prevention at Best Buy.

And the ability to be like, oh, look at that person who's like hiding their eyes and looking around. And it's like, yeah, you're not exactly like Pink Panther in this shit. It's that guy in the hoodie who won't make eye contact with anyone. But like, Walmart, what's going to, like some of them is, I've never understood. You can just grab the thing and walk out the door. And even if somebody's like, hey, you can't do that. I work at Walmart.

You have to pay for that. What's stopping you from just being like, no, and there's really not anything you can do to stop me and then getting in your car and driving away? I mean, you can't do that. They can't, can't they detain you? Can't they? No, they can't. You know why?

Because I'm a fucking adult and they aren't, they have no legal authority over me. So wait, Griffin, are you implying that all of capitalism is just a smokescreen and we only do it because we think we have to do it? I'm saying that the societal norms are all entirely projected into our own minds by ourselves and our teachers. I'm saying if I go to Target right now, I can pick up a fucking PlayStation 3 and walk out the door and someone's like, hey, you can't take that. I work at Target.

And I can say, you're not my dad. Like later, later. And then I can hop on my skateboard that I've been riding through Target the entire time because nobody can fucking, they can't touch me. That's for fucking sure. It's like a, Target is like a haunted house rules. They can't touch you. They can't touch you.

They're not gonna, there's a, there's a security guard by the door. He's not a fucking ordained by the city. My taxes don't pay his salary. He's not going to fucking shoot me later. Yeah, if you ever want to have some fun. His guns court's mustered. Like there's no way he can stop you. That's why he sits by the fucking food court.

He is not a cop later, dog. Later. If you ever want to have some fun, if you're at like a big box store, trust me, as someone who worked in lost prevention, they won't do shit until you try to leave with it, even if they watch you do it. So just make eye contact with someone in the electronics department and put something down your pants. And then just before you leave,

pull it back out and put it on a shelf. And then just walk out and goodbye everybody. And like, you don't- Or, can I give you an alternative theory? Just shove it down your pants and walk the fuck out of the store because they're not cops. I wouldn't shoplift from a cop store. A cop could store staffed entirely by cops

because they're gonna fucking enforce that shit. Travis, what could you actually do to someone you thought was stealing? Um, like, what was my process? Crack this open. Crack open how fucking impotent these dudes are. It really is. Okay, listen, I don't want to put all security guards on blast

because I feel like I'm betraying my brotherhood. But here's the thing, you guys. The amount of, the amount of things that you have to prove before you can even have someone arrested. Right. Like, here's the thing. I could watch you Gryff and McRoy do it, right? Yeah, and I would.

And, you know, I'm fucking going to after this goddamn podcast. And then if you, if I lost eye contact, like if I lost the visuals on you and you were just gone and then showed back up, I couldn't do shit because I couldn't prove. All you would have to say is like, no, I put it back. Hey, that's not cool. I'm gonna call real cops.

All right, they'll be here in like 20 minutes later, later. My car is 20 feet away. Bye. The point Gryffin is making is not that, it's not about whether or not they see you do it. What he's saying is they can watch you do it, watch you walk out the door and they cannot do anything. They can't do fucking anything

because they're not a cop or my dad. If my dad was working loss prevention, he's like, no, son, don't like, all right, I'll put it back and I put it back. But very rarely would that happen because my dad doesn't work retail. That would be a sweet, like some sort of a duel between, they bring on Clint because he's the only one that can stop.

Gryffin, it'll be sort of a Thomas crown of fair vibe. I think Gryffin's like repelling through the ceiling and dad like cuts the string. Except by repelling through the ceiling, you mean like just walking in the door and taking out a handful of boxes of Mike and Iks and walking out. If you think I would go that small,

I mean, I will go that small. I'll go small to big. I'm not paying for shit anymore. I actually, I don't believe in shop, but it makes me so sad because I know who it affects. So what I do is I go in and I pick up the thing and then I leave like a clay pot I've made or some like shiny stones.

You like, so you like covert bartering basically. Yeah. You like very one sided bartering. They can't say yes to it because then everybody would do it. But I know that they appreciate those sand dollars. It's like, like farting in yoga class. That is what I equate shoplifting to

is like farting in yoga class because what's that, you've done inventory at a major retail chain before. I have two, I mentioned Justin has two since he's worked about 28 retail chops. It's, it's like, you know, typically 75, 80%. And then the other shit gets just straight up cribbed. And when someone, if you become a cog in that machine,

you're literally just a drop in the bucket. You're adding .0001 to the shoplifting rate at that point. Like it doesn't. Because most of it, most of it. But if I do want to drop, when I worked the best one, I had like 10 fools arrested. Yeah. Yeah.

Travis, how? Because I called the cops before they tried to leave. But you said don't do anything until they try to leave. Until they try to leave. And so then the, the people would walk out the door and the cops would fucking, you know, come in. No, okay. Travis, how on earth?

Cause I was fucking on point. With your profiling? No. Cause I want, okay. So this is why there are greeters because people come in and you say hi. And like your normal average person goes, oh, hi. And then people who are coming.

They're like, can't talk. No, there were people that would come in and suddenly they'd be so surprised that a human being was like acknowledging them. They'd be like, what? Oh, too busy, too busy. You gotta steal something. In which aisle is your small and valuable things?

About pocket sized, please. Do you have that special belt that loosens your pants? The thing is, is like all you have to do is watch people. And people, like I said, are not exactly master thieves. So they're like looking around all shady and like hiding stuff. And like, you know, when you see a 12 year old kid jacking out the refrigerator section,

it's like, no, you're back there stealing stuff. I'm not. I'm going to give you one last chance at this before I just declare your entire form of profession made up. You can't physically stop people as they're leaving the store, correct? If someone went, all right, let's paint a hypothetical. No, no, no, I can.

I have to prove that they were bypassing the checker. You can't fucking touch them, though. You can't grab them by the script. That's what I'm saying. If someone walked into the store and went, Oh, I heartily disagree. Let me finish my scenario. Someone walks into the store, goes full blown supermarket sweep

in two and a half minutes, just like run through the phone. I like, just like knocking shit into their giant pants and then runs out. You can't do shit about that scenario. I would tackle the shit out of them. You can't. That's an assault. That's assault.

And you go to jail. I don't want that happening. You're my brother. I wouldn't. I wouldn't do very well in prison. I'm just saying you wouldn't think you would. I would, though. The settlement would pay for all the shit

that he was going to steal. And then you'd be back to square one. But see, the problem is Griffin. You're not Batman. And I'm not in the one. You're not Batman. I don't know why we're talking about this number 20 minutes. It's incredibly well.

But the problem is the fiction that you're creating. Yes. Is not how people shop lives. It's reality. No, I've never seen anyone do that. I agree that that would be a solid play. But people are trying to heist it. People are trying to oceans 11 it.

And the first person I ever had arrested was hiding it in a baby carriage. Just pick up the thing and walk out. I do agree with you. That's what I'm saying. We just don't do it that way. They're not yet. Not until this episode hits the fucking web.

God, Travis, I bet when you would catch someone stealing, literally the second the cops were out of your shot, you would just crank Katrina in the waves and just dance around the store. Actually, the first time I had someone arrested, I jumped up and down in celebration so hard I hurt my ankle. Just like Batman does. I think that's how the killing joke ended.

I am here at Starbucks studying. And there's a guy taking up the only two comfy chairs with him in his bag, is putting his feet on the little table that is shared between them and hasn't bought a drink. I have no plans on sitting on them, but it's annoying me how inconsiderate it is. I just asked the barista if they could do something about it, and they said they can't even talk to the customers.

What can I do to fix this without getting into 50 cuffs? And that's from not a single fuck was given in South Texas. Can I just say something? Can I just say something really quick based on this new fucking worldview that I've adopted since we started recording? Just walk up to him and take his bag. Just take his bag and walk out.

What can he possibly do? He can't touch you. No, he actually can at that point. Because he is not associated with the store. I don't think you get the fucking castle doctrine at Starbucks, no matter how much you think you live there. Brad. He's still associated with humanity and the law.

And you can say, hey, you assaulted me. I was just trying to steal that. Mind's a victimless crime in that no one was physically injured. Right. I just, man. This is why we have the liner at the beginning saying, don't do anything we say, because I'm basically telling everybody,

just fucking whatever's not nailed down, man. Grab it and go. I think, um, question asked, I think what you need to do is to realize that this seems inconsiderate until you consider that everyone in the world is inconsiderate and terrible. That's not it. And so this is actually, this is pretty basic.

If you ever need proof of it, all you have to do is travel. Having just like been on so many flights and going through so many airports, it is like this, it is this microscope under which you can view the inconsiderate nature of all humanity. You go on one honeymoon and all of a sudden you've seen the curvature

of our terrible earth. Curvature of the terrible earth is my favorite pop band in the 80s. I think this is a very different, I mean, I think they're very different people. Me, when I go into a place, it is my home. Literally all I'm thinking about is, please God, don't let anybody yell at me.

Just let me not get yelled at for this time that I've left my door and will soon return to it. Please don't let me get yelled at. If I'm at Starbucks, I'm pretty sure that when I plug my laptop into the wall, they're going to yell at me. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's our juice. Yeah.

Are you going to buy four coffees? It's four coffees, you used to plug. Like I didn't know. I just think it's a different world where some people don't think that way. I think it's very possible that this person doesn't know what a dickfish they're being. And if that's the case, then just walk up to them

and say, hey, can I move your bag and sit down, please? Hey, do you know what my pet peeve is? As long as we're talking about inconsiderate people. And it's when someone either walks into a doorway in a room or gets to the bottom of a set of stairs and stops. When there's a group of people behind us on a tour of a castle and a very small door is a very small thing. And people would get inside the doorway of a room

and stop and look around. And it's like, hey, dog, there's 30 people behind you. Life is so hard when your castle tours are interrupted that way. I know, Jesus. It's like, I can't hear you. Is this how it's going to be? I think that you run a real risk. Travis does have a fair point that I don't think

everyone on Earth is that way. But I think that if you're looking for people like that, you will find no shortage of inconsiderate people. Especially at Starbucks. You are looking at the worst place. And I think that if you allow it, you are constantly going to be annoyed by people that aren't directly inconveniencing you.

And I know it's annoying, but unless you're being directly... Like, if you're looking for a seat, I think you're 100% within your right to say, hey, would you mind if I sat there? Like, that's human and natural. And that's how we should be interacting with each other. But if you don't need a seat and you leave your seat, first off, you can lose your seat, bummer.

But secondly, like, it doesn't... Actually, the TikTok Seat Lock is enforceable by law. That is the only thing that our fucking legal system can allow. And you can actually assault someone if they break it. You can fucking beat the shit out of someone. And just steal their shit. What would you say... The TikTok Seat Lock is...

Is TikTok Seat Lock what you had in college? Yeah. We had Barber Shop. That's what we... But what would you say? Barber Shop. TikTok Barber Shop? No, we would just say Barber Shop when you get up.

But wouldn't that be confusing if you were just going to the haircut place and you were just announcing your friends like, Oh, Barber Shop. And they're like, Oh, should I send a scenery? It's going to go get shaved and polished. It was the 70s. We didn't get aircuts.

What was your guys' favorite Barber Shop movie? I think it was Barber Shop 2. That's right. I just... I don't know when people started getting so rude. I don't know what the turning point... What the tipping point was to use Malcolm Gladwell content, that at some point shit done tipped and everyone got really rude.

I think it's when Touch By An Angel went off the air. We didn't have this to the influence of Roman Downey there. I think if Roman Downey had walked into this Starbucks and be like, Oh, child, you should get up and not you're occupying three seats. Do you know which one was Roman Downey? I'm Roman Downey. Which one was she?

Who do you think she was? I thought she was the large black woman. No. Okay, so all right. Okay, so you in trying to fuck me got fucked yourself. The old Roman Downey fucker who flipped it on yourself. Robert Downey Jr.'s wife. I think that's inaccurate.

First off, she was a gypsy woman, I believe. She would have to take the junior first if they got married. Secondly, where do you get off challenging people's Touch By An Angel knowledge when you yourself are pretty fuzzy on the basics of Touch By An Angel. Listen, all I need to know is, was James Spader on that show? Or am I thinking of the wrong dude? Yes, he's on every show, but I think he was on that one too.

What happens? He missed two weeks of episodes. I forget who Roman Downey is. Do you guys want another Yahoo? Sure, yeah. I still had that tab open about why can't you just take shit and make me so angry. This Yahoo was sent in by Ashley Bergart.

Thanks, Ashley. It's by Yahoo Answers user PowerhouseStan who asks, Can your girlfriend break up with you if she doesn't like your Facebook photos? We've been going out for three days, but she's been very distant. I don't know before she was all over me and she doesn't even respond. I even added her on FB and she didn't respond. Any advice kind people of Yahoo Answer? Additional details.

I'm 16 and she's 15. Ah, Jesus. I've invited her places, but she says she has a strict father. I think I can be fun. Wow. Can your girlfriend break up with you if she doesn't like your FB photos? It's just so weird to me that that seems like the least of his worries. Okay, listen.

It's fucking hard out there, even for a relationship that's been going on as long as three days. A solid 72 hours. A solid 72 hours. The first 48 were amazing. We're amazing. It was like before sunrise. Like every moment was just pregnant with romantic intent. And now she doesn't-

She's pregnant. There has been a poke lingering for eight hours unanswered, an unrequited poke. I'm an old man and I don't know any better, but isn't it weird that they would engage in a relationship and not already be Facebook friends? That is quite puzzling. I think maybe this is a whirlwind affair. I think it's got to be even a whirlwind affair. I feel like Facebook friendship should be step number one.

Especially for a 15, 16 year old. Like if I'm considering that at 930, you got to think that they have that in a handbook somewhere. I think if you don't have everyone in your high school on your Facebook friends list, you're basically- I mean your high school career is never anyway. Yeah. I mean I- like you know me, I go to a party and I say, who here don't I know?

And people are like, you don't know me, my name's Charlie. I'm like, hold up, Charlie what? And they're like, Charlie Powell? And I say, okay, hold up. And I whip out my phone, search him, link him, sync him, hand over my phone, say log in, accept that shit real quick. And then they say, what? I say, log in to your Facebook account on my phone.

And they're like, I don't want you to have access to that. You're a big Buffalo Bills fan, huh? Huh? I- oh man. Oh. I see you like books. Griffin doesn't get invited to a lot of parties. In case that wasn't clear. No, but when I do, I make it fucking count.

And then he steals stuff from the person's house. And I just walk to their house and take the things. They can't touch me. Actually in Texas they definitely can. Can't run that game in Tejas. Can not do it. Can not do it. They have strictures written down explicitly saying, don't do this thing.

Or you will be, or you can be harmed. Capitally. If you in high school, start dating someone, but you're not connected on Facebook. One, two, you don't go out and hang out and do anything because she has a strict father. Yeah. How did they get dating in the first place? Yes. Is it a drive-in?

It was a drive-in dating scenario. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure it was a drive-in. It might as well have been a spaceship, Griffin. The odds are equal that they found a drive. Like unless they are, their parents, like their connection is that their parents are weird drive-in enthusiasts that drive across the country looking for still open drive-ins. Yeah.

That's the only reality in which that would happen. What's the modern day driving? Because in our day, when you go to a drive-in with a group of your friends, you would swap hot rods, right? And you would, you know, neck. You raise for pink slips. Yeah. You would neck for a solid, you would neck for a solid 90 minutes,

depending on the length of the movie. Sometimes you would say you would want to go to a longer movie, like remain to the day. You can get a solid two and a half hours of necking it. And what's the modern equivalent of that? What is the modern equivalent of that? I guess anywhere, anything. I often race for pink slips, just at normal movie theaters now.

Outside the parking light? That would make it so much easier. We should race our Toyota matrices at some point. What year is yours? 2003. Oh, that's the slow shit. I mean, I've souped it up. I've done quite a bit of work.

I have a lot of, I have a few. What kind of stuff did you add to it? Oh, God, hammy. You put blazer, you put blazers in there. Blazers, Noss, the rapper just rides around with me. Breaks, I just took those out. Never going slow again. Griffin knows where all the mattress stores in town are now.

That is one benefit of losing his breaks. Yeah, stuff like that. Six wheels, do some more traction on the ground. Butter, just covered everything in butter, just real slippery in there. Which makes me pretty popular to drive in it. He has two steering wheels, one for left and one for right. That's right. It's basically like pod racing.

It can't go in park. It's another thing, that one was tricky to figure out, just like the physics of it, is that it can't stop. And you actually can't turn it off, if I remember correctly. You just welded the key on. Yeah, you could say she's a gas guzzler, except she's not powered by gas. Oh. Just fire.

It runs on fire. So, pretty fast car if you want to race them. Yours sounds more stock than mine, but there's no shame in that. It's all about the driver, not about the beast, you know? That's what I learned from Too Fast and Furious. Or at least the 45 minutes of it you watched. Yeah, I couldn't finish it. One would say that movie was a little too fast and too furious for Travis.

Well, the rock never showed up, and Diesel never showed up, and I knew my eye can't do it. No, but you knew. That was like three movies ahead, and you knew that eventually, like, God, the rock has got to get messy up in the shit. That's why I forced myself through the first 45 minutes, just so I would understand when I got to Three Fast, Three Furious. Right.

You don't want to be lost, sure. Yeah, I wanted to know what was up. I mean, I don't think he showed up till Fast 5, but by Three Fast, Three Furious, you could already smell what the rock was cooking, which is weird. Sorry, did you say Three Fast, Three Furious? Three Fast, Three Furious. She was in that one, I think.

What was the one where she came in? I thought there was four Fergis. Four Fergis in a Ferguson. It's a Hugh Grant film. You know, if you were gonna shoplift, I bet the best place to hide things would be in your butt, because not only would no one ever find it, but even if they knew where it was, they wouldn't go looking for it.

I mean, I already said that you can just walk out because no one can touch you, but I guess if you want to go the whole nine yards. Well, what if you like having things in your butt? If you want to go the Sextra Mile, there's only one way to go, and that's extremestrains.com. They've got everything you can fit in your butt. If it fits, it ships.

And I bet it's stuff that feels better to have up there than a CD player. The like maybe the ass emulator wireless silicone butt plug. Wait, it's wireless? What other butt plugs are wired? No one wants that weird cord dangling out of your khakis. Luckily, there's the ass emulator wireless silicone butt plug. It's your secret. No one else in Denny's needs to know that you've got this,

this beautiful AAA Goblin beauty. What percentage? Jammed in your cute. But what does the batteries do, Justin? Well, it plays CDs. Didn't you? The two batteries will play MP3s that reverberate through your colon,

and you can hear them in your ears. Also, more importantly, it vibrates. Do you guys hear air supply? I swear to God, I hear air supply. Now, that only works if you have braces. That's worth noting. But that's why I fucking lose seal ball. She thought she had her radio signals all the time.

It wasn't. It was Desi's radio butt plug. You can use your mode control. It only has two buttons on it, I guess because the most important one is off, because I can see a lot of scenarios in which, well, this is no longer appropriate. There's one that says go, and one that says go hard.

Don't worry, this one does come with a power button, so you can't shut it off at some point. And there's 10 modes of vibrating pleasure, so you can pick that by StreamerStraints.com. Now, here's the thing about, and maybe use it as a space, there's lots of things you graduate up to the biggest things you can put in there

until you can fit enough. I have a thick colonic wall. I may be sharing a little bit too much for you guys. Let me know when it starts getting uncomfortable for you, but I have a really thick colonic wall. Will the wireless... The question in the Streamer Straints is, when does it get uncomfortable for you?

I have a thick colonic wall, as I said, a couple times now. Will the wireless signal from this remote be able to reach the device that I have installed within me? Well, you have to put the device in your butthole, too. Now we're dealing with a little old lady who swallowed a fly scenario.

I'm gonna have to shove a horse up there to get the 20th remote that I've shoved up there to shut down the 19th remote, and so on, et cetera. I'm just chock-full of remotes over here. I'm just jangling around. Just a big, big, big ball of plastic and batteries. Is the remote programmable? Could I control both my butt plug

and my Bose sound system? Yep, but you don't want to get that turned around because you're either gonna deal with really loud music or an exploded butthole. Crank it. Oh, don't. Oh, don't. Oh, no.

Don't crank it. That's all of StreamerStraints.com. Com used the coupon code SEXABunga and saved 20%. We want to give a message to Aaron Brown from Desiree Dupree. Says, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. I'm just gonna sing it. Oh, we can't do it.

No, we can't sing it. Don't sing it. We'll get arrested. Sing it, but sing it to the theme of a different song. Okay. Do it till welcome back, Carter. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you, dear Aaron.

Happy birthday to you. Hey, you're famous. You don't have to sing this part. Hope you have a good birthday because you're the best in town. You're now adding. Come to our new rival. Your life is more than their survival. And they just try to live a good life yet.

Standing tall on the wing to Verin's birthday. Hey, Henry, we got a message to you from Elisa. She says, please wish Henry a happy 27th birthday for me. Nothing to rearrange. Show me that Henry again. Show me that Henry. Don't waste another Henry on your Henry. It's a rare condition this day in age that me and Henry have been together for 12 years of sweet

delight, yet he only cares to hear birthday wishes from the mouth of the macros. Love him anyway. What are the next words? There must be some magic clue inside these jittle walls. All right. I never knew the next words, but I'm glad I didn't know. I got a message for Angelo from Dan, Greg, Nick, and Wayne. Wayne.

Angelo, we hope you have the rudest, most hecklesome, nice and neat, math-filled birthday yet. I hope I didn't just say something gross. Don't let those cadavers you see on a daily basis bring you down. Here's hoping for high quality goofs on this episode. Sorry. And shit in your pants now that you heard some authentic macaroy leo-isms. Wait, what? From your favorite, I think these guys hate Angelo.

Why do you hate Angelo so much? And why are you calling him a serial killer? I guess jokes on them because they just paid a Benny to wish him a happy birthday on this podcast, so I guess good way to prank suckers. Is he seeing the cadavers on a professional level? Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. Okay, hold on. Dan, Greg, Nick, and Wayne are dead bodies that haunt Angelo.

Okay, Angelo killed Dan, Greg, Nick, and Wayne and actually wrote this message to himself from the perspective of their dead bodies. Oh, and this is like the monkey's paw. This is the clue. This is the monkey's paw. This is the heart beating beneath the floorboards that's driving him insane. This is the black cat. This is the in a pendulum.

This is Jesse Thorne, proprietor of Maximofun.org and host of International Waters. International Waters pits a team of comedians in London against a team of comedians here in LA over several rounds of very stupid pop culture questions and games. We've got Paul F. Tompkins, Josie Long, Greg Proups, Claudio Dordi, Robin Ince, Andy Zaltzman, Paul Scheer, Izzy Sooty, Ricky Carmona, Cameron Esposito, Aaron Gibson, Brian Safi. So join me and the best comedians in the English speaking world for International Waters. Go to Maximofun.org or look for us in the iTunes store. Farm wisdom, farm wisdom.

Get your pitch for it. Justin had a stroke. Oh no. Did you know carrots? Do you know carrots and being around goats can fix strokes? Our first farm wisdom comes to us from IMDB. Says that John Dye was in touch by an angel, not James Spader. Damn it.

He looks like James Spader. I know. I was surprised to you. John Dye is dead now. He passed in 2007. Was he playing James Spader? He was playing James Spader playing the Angel of Death. Uh, and he passed away.

The skin on a turkey's head. The skin on a turkey's head and waddle can change with their mood. It can be red, pink, white, or blue. I think if they'd heard the past couple minutes of podcasts, probably blue. That's from Alan. Trav, give me one. Break me off a piece. Um, apparently horses engage in a behavior called cribbing.

Where they go to Target and just like pick shit up and leave. Where they copy each other's test answers. Where they bite down on something like a wooden post and suck in air. It can cause stomach ulcers. They may do this out of boredom, stress, or dietary imbalance. Those are both from Alan. People think we give horses a hard time. That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard.

Okay, no. To be fair, to be fair, it's not exactly like human beings. This shit that we do where it's like, hey, if you drink too much alcohol, you can kill your liver. Be like, yeah, but I'm stressed. Alcohol, alcohol, alcohol. Which is what I say every time I take a shot. If a horse gets this stupid because of boredom, stress, or dietary imbalance,

that's not the horse's fault though, is it? It's the owner's. And the fact that you have this precious treasure that you're fucking in charge of keeping, not bored, not stressed, and not imbalanced, dietary speaking. This isn't on the fucking horse, Justin. Horses are perfect. Also, if they do do this, they probably have a pretty good reason for it,

beyond the boredom or stress or diet. We can't see inside their heads. This might be really, this might be a religious thing for a while. Have you, have you bitten down on a wooden post and sucked in air ever? Have you cribbed? You know, you will trip balls. You will fucking get so fucked up. Horses love to party.

If you want to keep rodents from eating your bird feeder, I hope they mean the seeds in your bird feeder. Okay, eating from your bird feeder. There we go. Put jalapeno poppers in the mix. Nope, jalapeno poppers. Man, this, put some, put some potato skins on some mozzarella sticks in there. Good.

This is, this is Guy Fieri's target demo. Is rats. Just take those rodents to Max and Irma's and get a triple app of slider pack. Hey bros, got rats in your bird feeder by some mozzarella slammers. By some sloppy doppy turkey bombs. Birds, we coat them in a hair gel to slide right down your throat. Birds are unable to taste the spiciness, but it does keep rats out of it. Birds are rats with wings.

I don't know why we get all of our... That's from our dear friend, Ousman. Why are we giving them preferential treatment over rats? Rats are just terrestrial birds. Rats are, or birds are the, rats are the birds of the ground. Think about it. I always want to try to dress professionally as possible. Work, I follow blogs, I put this on and really make an effort to dress well.

Problem is, I often have to attend conferences for work and have to wear some sort of name badge. Oh man. I always seems to clash with my style. How do I wear the name tag and remain stylish? That's from a lanyard hater in Litterock. This is a great question. This is a great...

I, this is one of those threads like I wish I knew. I mean, if they're not going to supply you with a fashionable name tag, you have to supply your own. Like maybe if you just had your own like a silver carved kind of thing. Well, I mean, silver doesn't go with everything. I mean, if you want to, you got to have at least at the very least... Dude, what about a big diamond necklace with your name in it? See, that's the reason that those exist.

Can you have a fashion lanyard with you? Okay, just keep a fashion lanyard. Like I have one in black, one in brown, right, to go with your accessories. And then a casual lanyard, which really is going to be seasonal. I think you're going to want some pastels for the spring. Well, you're also going to want like a utility lanyard, something that's durable and can withstand the elements for like outside conferences. Yeah.

When you're at a mountain climbing conference business, what are you talking about? Or like a paintball business mixer. Maybe you could... We're up to seven lanyards now that you need. Go on, Justin. Maybe you could class up the name tag a little bit by drawing pictures of classy stuff on it, like money clips or caviar or something. So you're saying dip the lanyard.

That's just a messy lanyard at that point. No, I'm saying draw pictures of it. Draw picture, caviar. It'll be fun. My name's Brian and you can tell the things I like. I drew a picture of a sleek Lambo. Is it posier? Wait, is this a money-making thing where we could like have sticker books for adult professionals?

Every meeting... They just have some Lamborghini stickers already. Every meeting between two adults is a money-making opportunity. Think about it. Think about that. It's possible to have a street team that just, you don't wear a lanyard, they just go around the room and go up to people and say, Brian, and then they point to you.

And then nobody's going to forget your fucking name at that point. Brian's ready for you. Oh, ooh, just hire like a herald that they walk into the meeting room before you and say, my loads and ladies. Brian approaches. Prepare thyself for the oncoming Brian. You want to get a little hipper? You hire a hype man.

They come into the meeting room. They start flipping the light switches on and off. Here he comes. Hold on though. What's the hype man going to wear? You're going to have to get him past us. You got to get a smaller hype man. You got to get a smaller hype man at Infinitum.

Let's see. So many great ideas so far. Can you get a business jersey? Sorry, that actually creates twice the problems that it solves. No, a business jersey. You can color coordinate that easy. And then your name is just on the back of it. Ooh, a business cape.

Business cape with your name on it is a little gauche. Business robe? That's moving in the right direction. Oh, sort of like a boxing vibe. Yeah, I'm starting to like business trunks, business gloves. The champ is here. The champ is here to sign your name on the, I can't, gloves. Can't sign shit.

Luckily my herald is, is authorized. I have his power of attorney. I'm just waiting for him to die. I'm his lover. And I'll inherit everything. I'm his lover and he won't acknowledge me publicly. At night, in bed, I think about killing and becoming Brian. No one would notice.

It would be a seamless transition. Hold on. I forgot to flip the lights on and off. He loves that. He loves that. Oh, Brian. Maybe sunglasses in the shape of the word Brian. I like that.

Like the two that find those, those people that make them for the year. And they had, thought they had a really good scam until 2009 when they just had that meeting where they had to stand around like, okay, look guys, I think we can work something out for 2010 pretty good. But past that, I think we're just going to be really flying by the seat of our pants. We'll see you guys again in, in 20,000. I just hope there's still eyes. Or that people have evolved three eyes.

Because then we will have it made in the shade. There will be nothing but shade though, because we'll be covered in an ash cloud. The most important part of style is to not make anyone feel uncomfortable with your style. Right. It's for, it's for every, your style is for everyone else's benefit to look at you and be, be odd. Right. And I think if you show up and you're the only one with a gold plated name tag or a

Harold dressed in pastels in the spring, of course, then like you're going to, you're going to stick out and everyone's going to feel uncomfortable that they didn't bring their own Harold. Or maybe they did. Maybe that is the, maybe that is the coterie in what you run. And in that case, where do I sign off? I, I, I have to guess that if that was the norm for Brian and his business dealings, that information would have probably been included in the question.

Like I try to dress nice and I always dress my Harold in pastels when it is the spring. That's the only palette that I know, by the way, matching the season. If it's wintertime, I don't know. Snow color? You do blues and whites in the winter. You're going to do the autumnal, like some brown, some oranges, some yellow. And summer is just a fucking Jimmy Buffett orgasm explosion. But he has to maintain the same decorum and professional nature.

I thought it was just pastels, but shorter. Everything's shorter. A pastel. Jimmy Buffett pastels? Like a pastel crop top. It's a great look. You guys want a yahoo? Please.

This yahoo was sent in by Daniel Shires. Thanks Daniel. By, by the way, and Daniel wasn't guilty of this, but I feel like it's time for me to sit down our audience and have a very stirring talk with them about the subject matter of yahoo that we're looking for. I mean, we can make it pretty quick because like I could come up with a bullet list of no-nos. Like number one, incest, number two, poop. Number three, poop-in test.

Very, very much frowned upon. If anything involves like pooping on someone, especially a family member, you probably just go ahead and keep that one in your pocket. Especially don't send an in saying, hey, I found a real gym because then I can't help a pastor on you and the type of person you are. Weirdo. Weirdo. You fucking weird beard.

Just keep those, keep those yourself and you know, keep digging because you'll find something not about poop or incest eventually. Just dig deep. There are yahoo's about other things. Anyway, thank you everybody for your submissions. This is, this is by Daniel Shires though. He sent this one and thanks Daniel. It's by yahoo answers user Jacqueline who asks.

I just clicked a yahoo advertisement link. Let me just go ahead and close out of that and then I can get back to business. How do I get Jonah Hill to notice me on Twitter? I want to get noticed by Jonah Hill on Twitter. He's like my idol. I swear. I swear. If I had to die just to save his life, I would.

But please help me get noticed by him. Would mean the world. Thanks. Jacqueline, XX. Jacqueline, I think if you're willing to die so that he may live, it sounds like you've already got a pretty good method of getting his attention. Yeah. Do you ever hear that M&M documentary stan?

That was the only way that M&M ever acknowledged him. Right. And they formed a long friendship that lasted to this very day. Is this, is this what the song your own personal Jesus is about? Like he, this person wants to die for, for Jonah Hill. That Jonah Hill is there with Jesus. For Jacqueline. So love the Jonah Hill.

They want to be Jesus of Jonah Hill. Right. Dying for his sins and there are many. I saw Moneyball. He was great and Moneyball wasn't talking about it. I know, but I couldn't think of a bad one. Hold on. Give me a second.

Yeah. Yeah. That's a fun puzzle. Try to think of a bad Jonah Hill film before you start talking shit about him in his career. Can't do it. I don't think he's ever been in a bad film. Wait. Yeah.

Okay. Let me try that joke again. Griffin will just edit this. I'm sure. Oh, he's got sins. I saw the sitter. And let me do one cold so you can just, in case the other edits better, I'll just record this wild. The sitter.

Can I get, can you get any more? Can we get a Cyrus goof? What? Oh, yeah. Cyrus. Cyrus. All right. That's what we're doing great here.

We're doing great picking on Jonah Hill. How do you get someone like Jonah, someone of the Jonah Hill echelon to notice you on Twitter? Someone from the Brat Pack. What are they called? I think they're just friends of Judd Apatow. I'd say the Frat Pack. The Frat Pack, I think actually maybe not in that like. I don't think that's the same circuit.

I don't think that's the same circuit. Will Ferrell and. Wheat. But, I think there maybe had something to do with weed, because they all seem to have quite an affinity. Did you just call him Will Ferrell? It came out wrong. I'm sorry. Okay.

Just wanted to make sure you didn't let that one slide pass. The new deaf punk with the samples from Will Ferrell in it. It's great. Does that one impression of that guy from that thing? Jonah Hill seems to be only the type of celebrity that, well, I mean, he's, he's definitely up there. It strikes me that he's not like a Brad Pitt level. Kind of like.

Oh, some of that. Some of that did rub off during Money Ball. You're going to move with Brad Pitt and you get the sexiness that follows you along. And if you don't believe me, watch Jonah Hill on Money Ball, then watch him in This Is The End. Dude picked up like, dude got some shit definitely figured out between those two films. How do you get someone to mention you on Twitter? How do you get someone? I think if you just, if you just tweet at him and say,

hey, Jonah Hill, I die for you, follow back RT, please, for a friend. The problem is you got to look and repeat. What's important is you have to look at, you have to look at his feed, right? You look for people he has tweeted to, has he tweeted to fans, right? Has he, has he said, hey, shout out to my boy, this guy and or replied to anyone. And I'm looking through his feed and I don't think he's ever applied to anyone. So I don't think, I think you're wasting your time with this right now. I think you need to move on to greener pastures.

Well, or just go directly to get in to see you in real life. The tried and true method used to be you try and kill Ronald Reagan. But that method doesn't, you can't do that method anymore. You can claim for everybody. Or you could claim responsibility for his death on Twitter. And then that might, that might be enough to get his, to pique his interest. Kill a Ronald Reagan. Because I bet, I bet there's more than the one.

I'm hoping that one of the ways to get the attention of Jonah Hill is not to make fun of a couple of bad movies he's been in because. Yeah. And first of all, we have to think. Jonah Hill and Justin got beef. First of all, if he is listening to this, I hope he doesn't get upset because really how long did we have to think before we could think of a bad movie that he was in it and really like the average length of time that it would take to think of anybody

in a bad movie like is much, much shorter than it took us to think of Jonah Hill. Jonah Hill, he did his, he did his time, you know, he did his Cyrus, but he's making fucking solid goal hits now. I love that, dude. Did you guys see 21 Jump Street? Yes, I did. It's a fucking great movie, Jonah Hill. I'm so sorry.

Follow me on Twitter, Griffin McAvoy. You know, 22 Jump Street is coming, right? Oh no, is it? I just learned that from, from his Twitter feed. Follow back, follow back, Jonah Hill. That's a good way to get him to notice you beat Channing Tatum. Yeah, if you can beat Channing Tatum, I bet he'll reply. Pretend to beat Channing Tatum.

I don't think that's going to work. There's an anemic. Griffin, you are all about shoplifting, but identity theft is a sticking point for you. I mean, it's just harder to do. You can't walk in and take Channing Tatum. You know what I mean? You can't just like go into Channing Tatum. Wait, Ocean's 15.

Ocean's 15. We got to have Channing Tatum. Oops, he stole Stockard Channing. It's okay. That's an easy mistake for anyone to make, including Griffin constantly. Every goddamn day. Listen back. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I skipped Ocean's 14, you guys.

It's okay. Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. We hope you've had some fun. We're sorry we were not with you. The funny joke about the greatest hit shows is they take infinitely longer. It takes so, so long. Get it together, then. And it also requires us to listen to when we weren't...

I don't know. Do you think we were better in the days or do you think we were shittier? Because I always think we're shittier. Because it takes us... I think our highs were higher and our lows were lower. For so, so much lower. Because it takes us so long to find gyms in the shit. But thank you for downloading that.

We hope that this week, if you get a second, it would be awesome if you share the show with people or review it on iTunes. Something to help us spread the word. We don't have a big PR firm behind us. We don't have a Herald. We only have you. So we need you to help us pass the word around. And we'll do our part right now by recommending some of the other great

maximum fun podcasts. Like stop podcasting yourself. Judge John Hodgman, Jordan Jesse Goh, Wham Bam Pow, Bullseye. One bad mother. One bad mother. And make sure you check out Saw Bones. It's the show Justin does with his wife, Sidney. It's mine and Teresa's favorite.

We listen to it constantly. Re-listen to old episodes. Catch the fucking Saw Bones wave that is sweeping the nation. Justin's too humble to talk about this, but that show is about to start doing better than this one. Yeah, it was in the top 10 on iTunes. That's sickening. It's disgusting, but we try our best. Thank you to people tweeting about the show like Ian Dukes, Caitlyn Klein, Josh,

Diabolical Machines, JP, Matt Brown, Ryan Lynch, one gentleman named ComedyPodcast. I don't think he's a person. Sam Lubega. He's a Lubega senior. Lubega Vivo. That's Lubega's official YouTube channel. What? I don't think it's actually Lubega's Vivo channel.

Still, that's a great Twitter name. It is a great Twitter name. Church's wife or old friend, Jess Krauwaza. I'm sorry I messed that up, Jess. Thank you to everyone else listening and sharing the show. It really means the world to me. Justin, open up that mailbag. Tell us what's in there.

Oh crap, we got so much mail from you guys. No fewer than three wedding invitations. Can you please make sure you respond to those? I'm still- I do. Wedding is a fucking month out and I'm still missing RSVPs from people. You know who you're- Are any of them near any of us? Yeah.

Is there any in Cincinnati? They're actually all past because I forgot to check the mailbox for a while. You did. I did spit. Okay, Liz, I'm trying my best. Can you RSVP now at least so you don't like- I don't want people to think that I'm a dick just because you're a layabout. Kate and Liz sent us a horse named Orb that they got in Iceland.

We got a note from Erica Sam and Kim that has pictures of gorillas on it. Like that? Got one from China from Payton that's lovely. Is it a postcard or do they live in China? It's a postcard from China. Our uncle Travel and Matt sent us postcards from all over, including but not limited to Portland, Los Angeles, Olympia, Seattle, Chicago. He sent us one from there.

Catherine and Matthew sent us a beautiful postcard from Croatia. We got to save the date for Joanna and Kyle's wedding. Not going to be able to make that one because it is past, but gosh, I wish we could- Hold on, we got to save the date and we already missed the wedding. Sorry, okay, I'm trying my best out here. Corinne and Kevin, again, sorry we couldn't make it. That was in August, but- And Jesus.

By this much. John Benjamin, consider this RSVP. Sorry we couldn't make it. Sorry I didn't check- With Regrets. I guess, kind of. With Regrets, I guess. I want to thank, I want Griffin to thank John Rodger for the long winners

for the use of a theme song that's a departure off the album, put in the days to bed. Griffin, can you do that real quick? Thanks, guys. And thanks to you. Here's one last question. Oh, make sure if you, if you want to wish someone happy birthday, or if you know someone that's a fan of the show,

and you want to send out a special personal message to them, go to maximumfund.org forward slash jumbotron. Can you guys please- I love you so much, but please don't email us because we have no mechanism to set it up. You have to go through maximumfund.org forward slash jumbotron. No, but we appreciate your emails. If you just want to email us and just like chat.

Guys, 20 dirt, we're like 60 days left in it. Can you fucking believe that? Did you get all your dirt out? Did you dig it up? Wash it out. Wash it out. Rinse out those sheets. What's 2014 going to be?

You know, I, somebody emailed today and said go full bore in 21.4, which I really kind of liked. We'll figure it out. We'll get it together. I feel like tomorrow, next year, tomorrow year, is going to be a banner year for us. And it's not going to be much harder to beat this year, I think. Yeah.

We'll actually do a live show. We'll actually do live shows. I promise to you, the listener. We'll do live shows. I promise. We'll have time on our hands. We'll have time to do it. And I'm going to try, I'm really going to push this

to try to do something in the UK in the next year or two. Oh, Jesus. Just don't promise that. I mean, just don't promise it. Griffin, take us out. I said push. I didn't promise no. Finally, Yahoo was sent in by Alan Black.

Thanks, Alan Black. It's by Yahoo Answers user Rosalie. Who asks? What the heck is masturbating? I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother, my brother, and me.

Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. This is Benz. This is Teresa.

We host a show called One Bad Mother. We're a comedy podcast about parenting. Not a parenting podcast. And for some reason, we seem to be most popular among single dudes with no kids. I'm scared. The only advice you'll get from us is when we tell you to stop feeling like shit for being a mom.

Or a dad. Or, you know, a single person with no children. Find us on iTunes or at Maximumfun.org.