My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 180: Candlenights IV

Episode Date: December 24, 2013

It's the most wonderful time of the year as the McElroys bring you their annual pan-faith, no cursing holiday spectacular. Share it with someone you love, share it with someone you want to unnerve, just share it. After all, it's Candlenights.

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother, me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your baby, Griffin McElroy, Candle Nights, 20 flirt. And I'm Charlie Dickens, aren't I? Now listen, why would you think Charles Dickens

would be a child? Charles Dickens is like a grown-ass man. I'm Charlie Dickens. I have yet to write any of the books you might recognize. No, right now I mostly just look at girls and get boners. I'm an established author, loved around the Christmas time holiday, don't I? I am tremendously sorry that we started out the episode with Travis saying the word boners. Like, we warned you there's not going to be any curse words, just challenging ideas, challenging material. Sort of like an Oliver Twist when you have to learn about orphans, don't you? The challenging topic of orphans. It is challenging. Deal with it. Fane sort of vaguely anti-Semitic, isn't it? Sorry about that, Fane. It was a different time. I know that has anything

to do with Christmas. Like, he wrote a book about Christmas. I wrote Christmas songs in the book. It's about Frigo, isn't it? Should we paint the picture of what we're doing because I'm looking at the levels right now. I'm Sophie Tall and I've got a tear stove pipe hat and I'm on Justin's lap. I wasn't looking for like an ASL situation. This is my Charlie Dickens. I want you to do a division. There's three of us jammed around two microphones. Three of us have to Justin leave? Justin became embarrassed. He stepped out to give me my paraffin wax so I can roll my cigarettes. You are way too young to be getting it because like cigarettes back in the day were like heavy doge. We said everybody died sooner, didn't they? So we started smoking at seven or eight.

We're in the meat space together. Physical presence of each other. I don't think we've done this since God's Spaghetti Gathering and that was a- It might offend Simon Goose. That was a disaster. You are not taking up much corporeal space. I'm very excited except for my head. The hat is real. The body is not. It's like AI but weirder. You're listening to 20-flirt Christmas. I don't even know what that word was. It just left me lips. Candle mites is the episode you're looking for. Share it with friends. Share it with family. No swears. No curses. No fouls. No wordy dirts. No cussing. I mean there will be and we will try to edit them.

It's going to be hard because we're all on the same mix and that is as you editors out there now kind of a tough pie. Yeah but we will do our very best. We've got a lot of holiday themed fun questions for you. You know what's so strange is we are and we are actual brothers. A lot of people ask us that. We are actually brothers but I find when making this show I find your guys physical presence here highly distracting. Yeah it's weird because now you guys are going to know how little I actually pay attention when I'm not speaking. That's not no I think we're pretty plugged in on that. Yeah on that end. I watched very recently the Pee Wee's Playhouse Christmas special and I was wondering if it would be possible for us to

match it for like having the weirdest guest stars on this show. I watched that last year for the first time in forever and it is weird. It's got who all. Grace Jones shows up does what she does which is to say creeps me out to the extreme. The Andrews sisters are on it or some sort of set of triplets. Some triplets set. Not the Andrews sisters they'll be long dead. Some sort of set of triplets is there. Little Richard shows up. Little Richard is definitely in the mix. There's a chair that talks. I mean Cherry's a permanent fixture there. Cherry shows up. Surprise. How hard would it be for us to get Grace Jones just like on on the set. Who is Grace Jones. Grace Jones was in well she was in Mad Max and I think it James Bond movie. Oh gotcha. Yeah you know gotcha.

So let's actually get into some questions so we can help. Now I do want to apologize in advance. Again just want to repeat Travis and I are sharing a microphone. Kissing kissing between every sentence. Yeah don't say that. Kissing brothers. Real quick I need you two to look at this picture. Grace Jones I just found. Sweet perfect move on. Good headspace. All right here's a question. Hey brothers my boyfriend comes from a country where Christmas isn't really celebrated and we're spending our first holiday together outside of America. How can I help him understand all the magical feelings surrounding the holidays. Should I plan some activities or just have a binge watch Christmas movies. Please help. That's from Santa in South Korea. The binge watching

only works if you put him in a chair that has like metal clamps that hold his eyes open and you're just screaming like jingle jingle. Now when they say that Christmas isn't really celebrated in South Korea do they actually mean that it is celebrated but for like only the last two weeks of December and not for three and a half months. They don't you know everyone just does it very lax today basically they're just like oh Merry Christmas I guess. I guess whatever. I mean the obvious answer is to just jump that jump that gap the Christmas gap jump right over that land right in candle lights obviously the superior territory to be but if you're committed to the Christian version of candle lights I think you could get somewhere by showing him some

holiday films that are more sort of humanist rather than they are like the magic of like Santa showing up at the last minute like he always does in sitcoms like if you're to show him I mean like I don't think there's a human being alive who cannot be touched by for instance it's a wonderful life you watch that and I think the the magic of the holiday season what everybody's on about you know which is really at its core about generosity and kindness and and human warmth I think something like that could help. Or what you could do was lie to him because this is your opportunity to create a bunch of Christmas traditions that do not really exist or just make it make it an extremely crampus oriented affair. Well that's the thing it's just occurred to me that

what you can do is pick and choose because throughout the world every different country in society has different like Christmas traditions. December 23rd you have to give your girlfriend foot rubs that's the that's an old or Santa will come down and eat your back. Well I heard tell that every Christmas whoever hasn't taken out the garbage every week for the history of time will have his balls cut off. Well that's not accurate. That's not true at all like the back eating thing is that's the lore that's that's that's the Welsh I believe in origin. What's the one where you have to put eggs in your shoes and stomp on them. Have you noticed how Welsh holidays almost always involve the figure for that holiday coming down to consume some non vital

part of your body for strength. You gotta keep it there you go all right. Travis lowered my chair and now it's broken which is great. You broke my chair. This is a pretty good scene. The chair is broken. It's not it's not a setting. It was actually a setting. I faced it. Okay so I mean the other thing is I don't know if his tastes are acclimated if he comes from another country. I'm not sure if he's going to be ready for the amount of like sugar and butter. Oh that's a good car. We're about to jam down his gullet. You may want to start with something a little more savory maybe a mincemeat pie or something like that. Can you make a Christmas kimchi is that possible. That would be nice. You know what what about a blending of your place imagery from

the holidays with and like basically Photoshop in but really not fake like actually insert some South Korean image maybe like a you have a picture of Santa but behind him there's a dead girl crawling on the ceiling. I am not very inundated. Yeah dog that's not great. That's not ideal. That was bad. Can you you know that kind of idea. We're talking about an entire country. You can't think of a thing. I'm they're not the bad one. I know that. Yeah easy. I you know what though I could probably come up with more North Korean imagery. Let's just assume that then. OK. Well it's really a shame that that that the Northern Korea gets all the credit for being the bad girl. You know what I mean. It's like it's like the girl in the Bachelorette that he

keeps around for ratings and he doesn't realize that the right answer is right in front of him. Ben what are you doing. You made the worst call of your entire life. Yeah. Griffin how about a how about a yahoo. How's that. Sure. A Christmasy sort of holiday candlelight Let me close all these naked pictures of Grace Jones. Don't show me naked pictures of Grace Jones. I didn't want to. It's just what came up really upset. I'm a married man. How about this. This one is sitting by Drew Davenport. Thanks Drew Davenport. It's by Yahoo Answers user this tumbler. Oh who asks I always have a hard time falling asleep on Christmas Eve because I'm excited. Any tips on how I can

fall asleep faster or relax or something. Okay. I had this problem a lot growing up there. I can think of one where I thought that I didn't. I didn't fall asleep at all. I think I had one Christmas Eve where I feel like I just rocked the mic from from dust till dawn. Yeah. No sleep till Santa. There was one year I remember Griffin and I had bunk beds. It was last year. I grew and I was laying in the bottom bunk thinking if I raised up fast enough I bet I could bash my head on the top bunk hard enough to knock myself unconscious till Christmas morning. What is good is to think about all the children in like developing nations that aren't going to have a Christmas this year because like that really helps to counterbalance. You know the song

Do They Know It's Christmas Time At All. If you like meditate on that song I think it will counterbalance your excitement to get you to an even keel. Or maybe just pop a couple Xanies and have a nice big glass of scotch. Yeah maybe just crunch down some Xanny bars. Maybe leave a couple for Ho Ho and have a couple for yourself. You know just because it's Christmas Eve doesn't mean you can't party like it's Christmas. You know what I mean? Nice ambient trip. You want to see Santa? You can see Santa. You can see Santa. You'll see some sugar plums. And you can see Santa. And what's that? Oh no he's turning into a lizard. Oh and he's angry. Run away. Come here Jim Jim. I mean to these edibles. Come here Jim.

It's Christmas Eve. You got sugar plums in your head. You can't sleep. Eat these brownies daddy made. I actually had one year where I had to deliver newspapers. So I had to stay up to the middle of the night because they put them out earlier for the paper boys. It would be a sleep for some part of Santa's visit. And I remember watching people some butt head in my room waiting for the papers to arrive. There's not a joke here. It's a sad memory. It's a treasured holiday memory that I remember. You guys ever had to work on Christmas? Sometimes you have to work on Christmas sometimes. I worked at a blockbuster. Oh my god why would they who would everyone. The answer is everyone. The question that you're asking is who and the answer as it turns out is everyone. Everyone.

It's the second busiest day. You're kidding me. No because this is my theory. Let me paint a picture. You wake up all the presents are open and it's like 12 30 in the afternoon and you realize oh no now I just have to deal with these people for the rest of the day. That's exactly it. I gotta go get a SpongeBob meeting or something. Do you know what the busiest day of the year is? This was shocking. You're gonna bum me out too. No it's my birthday. My birthday. No New Year's Eve. Was the busiest video rental day. Well because you gotta get videos for the kids to watch for the parents party downstairs. I think that's exactly it. Third is Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is huge too. One time on New Year's Eve we were open till midnight. Oh fun. So wait you closed right

as you counted. They couldn't let you go five minutes early so maybe you could like hop on your bike and scoot home. No dice there. Did watch on a little TV with rabbit ears with my co-workers Carl and Jimmy who farted on me once. That was his full name. Wait was he Native American? Jimmy walks in toots. No Jimmy would drop things behind him and ask me to pick them up and then when I would have been over to pick them up he would fart on my head. Like on your champion. On your head. Yeah he would fart on my head and Jimmy got fired because he uh. Not for head farting there was a second thing he did. No he also imbezzled. HR started riding his jock for all the toots and they caught there was some other stuff in

that lint trap. What actually happened is he inhaled half of a helium tank from the back room and knocked himself out. His farts were so high pitched the next day. We actually know when I closed New Year's Eve that one night we were there until midnight ringing in the new year with my other employees and yes don't worry there was one sad woman browsing romantic comedies at the stroke of midnight was ringing in the new year. What did she rent with Dylan McDermott. Was there a moment where she looked down at her watch and was just like oh. Well my new year's resolution more of the same. I think she ended up bringing my best friend's wedding which is ironic because both the ideas expressed in that title would be completely foreign to her. How about another question.

Candlenight do we curse in there. I don't know. I don't know either. I don't think so. Candlenight's question for the past two years I have worked in a small business with my boss and his wife. We're all fairly close and I've always. Can you drop the radio MC like because it's like hello. Welcome to Christmas. Right. That's what I'm saying. This is something. It's something about the leaning over to get to the microphone. Right. It's a three of us and we're brothers and we're like all together and people like people like these apps because it's like we're kissing me brother kisses kiss each other. Let's do one cheek at the same time. Okay. You're right. Come here. I don't like it. I don't like it daddy. For the past two years I worked in a small business with my boss

and his wife. We're all fairly close. I've always exchanged Candlenight gifts. Always is kind of first of all this is a relatively new invent. Like we are not going to say that like people were celebrating this stuff in like 300 AD. Like this is a this is a modern this is a fresh holiday. So you didn't always exchange and it's copyrighted. So 10 months ago we hired someone new and I'm worried there's going to be some awkwardness. Should I explain him that we always exchange gifts so he doesn't feel left out. If so what can I get my employers that is nice while also not trumping his present. That says happy. Candlenight's from stumped in Sydney. Well I mean the the real answer is you got to do a gift exchange and it sounds like there's four people here and everybody

gets a present for somebody else and that way everybody gets a present and no one's competing with anyone else. But the real answer is you're competing with his new employee and you've got to trump him because the alternative is he trumps you and you listen in this economy one of you is going to get fired in 2014 and you want it to be 10 month Johnny. We've been pretty bullish on 2013 but let's not like let's not kid ourselves 2014 is going to be like we're we're going to get through this one by a thread I think. Yes we're all going to be hanging. You guys mind up having to eat 10 month Johnny and you want to make sure maybe get him some some food's going to fatten him up. Maybe some muscle milk. Yeah blow it out blow out his lats. Can we come up with the

candle knight's stipulation in the bylaws stating that every present exchange that happens under the candle knight's umbrella must be somehow contractually agreed upon by all parties involved in the exchange vis-a-vis price points maybe supplied receipts. Yeah we want it to be as clinical as possible. It has to be because nothing it nothing is worse than like me and our I feel like all of us in our our our step siblings have this issue of getting each other presents on every other year and with this odd tango where we will get them stuff and then they'll get they won't get us stuff which is like cool which is like not making a big deal out of it I honestly don't care about getting stuff anymore. It's the dance. It's the dance of like well you didn't get me stuff

last year and they're thinking like well they did get us stuff last year switchy swap quantum leap into each other's bodies like we got you this nice bottle of wine like I should have left. If you had signed something if you had signed something we could have gotten this together. Everybody gets an empty box with another box inside of it and then next year you give that box back to somebody else. That's candle knight's. I will be pro bono al grates. I will be the third party arbitrator for all of these contracts if that's what you want because like I am really good at making sure that people don't like I got you this scar fine it cool here's a new iPad retina mini booyah like that sucks. We do a gift exchange at CSC every year and like it wasn't it wasn't about

this year if I was pretty great this year but in the past what's always happened is there's always one new person that no one's gotten to know very well and they get their name and it's like I got you some Cincinnati Shakespeare t-shirts yeah it's like oh thanks I work here I should just saw him and thought of you here's three t-shirts from the place you work at. Well if you get upset about that then you're a child. Is there like I was not upset but it's just like if it's a great bond everybody gets. You gotta talk into the mic. Everybody gets a gift card to San dango. Is there is there a market for an app that you put maybe it connects to Facebook and it says I'm buying gifts for these people. Public Santa. Public Santa is the name of the app. Okay and they and public

Santa you say I'm buying gifts for these people did they get me anything and public Santa tells you yes or no and then it gives you an approximate dollar value. It's like that app where you put down whether or not you want to have a intercourse with one of your friends and then if they want to have intercourse with you they have tagged you and it'll tell you if you have both. Exactly check that out. Why don't you make that the same app. Did I get him a gift and do I have a shot. You're just one button pressed away from the worst holiday season of your life. And what's great is it only says yes or no but it doesn't say to which one. I got you Darrell I got you some delightful artisanal jelly Darrell. Okay I'm going to leave. I got to go. I will be.

I got the wrong. I have to change my underwear. I have to be right back. I was wearing my special sexual underwear that was going to be your gift. It was going to have a picture of a bow on it. I have made some mistakes here. There has to be some crossover too because you can say like I did get Darrell presents public Santa and public Santa is like don't worry he's not getting you a present but but he would entertain the notion. Well I think that you get you get public Santa and then it's one letter off for the sexual one. Maybe public Santa maybe public Santa tells you if the person would accept sexual intercourse with you as a last resort if you can't if you can't think of it any other gift so eventually you get hard up enough you've looked at everywhere you've been a T.J.

and T.K. max for our U.K. friends and you you can't find anything and you're like well fine be fine sexual intercourse. Here's the best thing about public Santa because you have fed in the receipt for the gift that you have bought whenever you upload that you have bought this present present via via QR code because of technology maybe there's an NFC scan that goes on this is all technology and you don't plan on getting them a gift you know that you can just give them like fifty two bucks thirty cents and then you have just bought something from them as a second hand vendor. Right a gone consignment. It is gone consignment and the the gesture yes is nullified but so is the potential awkwardness public Santa 2013 grabbing on the app store it's $9.99 don't

like gift it to a friend because then you're just being kind of a jerk about it. And don't steal it just because we were too lazy to make it please cut us in on it when you actually do make this app please. It could work for other holidays too I guess maybe. Can we get a more easily trade markable name like GIFTO. GIFTO public GIFTO. Why do you want the public in there? Because it's not secret it's public it's out there it's it's 20 dirt we've we got it out sorry for burping everyone that's gonna be tough to edit that one out. I got another question here happy candle lights brothers. Hey happy candle. How naked is two naked around I like Gryffindor for some reason we're on the drive time radio show because we're almost there. Caller Christmas time is a special

time of year. Caller go ahead. Sometimes it's sometimes it's pretty rough and here's a song for you it's do they know it's Christmas around the clock that's the only song I know how to play I put that CD in and then I broke off the CD. Happy candle lights brothers how naked is two naked around family I'm invited to a friends for the holidays I have no family here and well last time I was there his father opened the door wearing only his briefs his sister came out of the shower with a towel around her waist and nothing else and his brother walked out of his room naked and said hey and held a short convo you gotta go you gotta go hop in the torus and go that's right a christmas song hop in the torus and go your holidays are over now maybe if you swing by golden girl there'll

still be a few people there that you can exchange gifts with I hope they want a peppermill because that's what you bought this is completely untenable there is no question in my mind if you're looking for some sort of societal reinforcement nervous about nudity that that this is not normal it's it's not right baby Jesus I've just figured it out okay here's my theory before you showed up to the house their family got together and said I can't believe that Susan is bringing her friend from college we were just gonna have a family christmas well how do we get him out of here I know I'll show him I'll answer the door in just my briefs and then the dad did it and you didn't leave and he was like I try and I was like okay great I'm gonna go full board just do the towel and have my boobs out

and everything and it's like still didn't leave and all the brother was like okay I'm gonna I'll take it to the next level and then you still didn't leave and they're like well we're stuck with this is like the adult version of pretending your house is haunted so your parents can't sell it basically um I so god knows what they're gonna do this year when you show up you show them they've just sacrificed a goat in the living room and come slather yourself with blood where are you going you can eat the pancreas and you're like well I guess when in Rome later oh not when in Rome even in Rome they put on some clothes in that company come on guys I put it away oh we do we need all three uh this is I now here's the thing though you cannot you cannot try to meet them on this

you cannot try to do more no no no to literally or maybe you do because if they're trying to spook you you need to be vigilant you need to start peeling off layers you just you need to start humming the baseline with the most stone-faced look just what say something I want you to hum the baseline of 311's amber because that's a very erotically charged song maybe you could call the parents ahead of time and just say like just so I know like what is the deal over there this year did you guys get past that weird thing you're doing for a while what are you into now maybe it's maybe it wasn't malicious though maybe this was just a perfect storm no the brother talking it's like it's like no you got any pose awkwardly against the door frame when you guys are alone let me

ask you a question was the conversation about how it's a little cold in here when you guys are alone and and this is going to get rippled so like and we're not going to swear but again challenging thoughts when you guys are nude are you capable of doing anything except like the three or four things that you have to do to not be nude like for me it's I couldn't hold a conversation with somebody I couldn't like I couldn't I can't brush my own hair until I'm not nude anymore it's like this animal instinct of like I'm defenseless I need to put up my chitin of sweaters do you know what I mean if I could I would set up a contraption right outside the shower that would allow me to spring directly into being fully closed if my clothes could be shot onto me with some sort of

clothes going I Griffin and his wife Rachel are staying with us for the holidays I woke up at four in the morning to go use the bathroom and I put on a robe for that do you realize that the statistical unlikelihood that I would be seen even in my boxers no I'm putting on a robe that that's how demure we are in the memory house I hope it was 4 a.m. you said yeah I hope you're wearing earmuffs too because it was cold outside candle nights Christmas special very very family friendly episode we would never talk about the thing you thought we talked about how about another yahu how about another yahoo this yahoo was sent in by nick key or k thank you nick I'm sorry it's hard to read the screen uh thank you nick it's by yahoo answers user

rarer who asks no what are you getting your horse in there this is s so either your singular horse or plural horses what are you getting your singularity horse okay guys I don't want to embarrass you all but I would swear to god we talked about what you get a horse as a present didn't we talk about what no that was what if that was a secret Santa when we got horse for a secret Santa okay oh did we really we did what did you get your horse but this is for your own horse you know this horse yeah well it also says in your other animals too so for for dogs they've gotten them bones in a toy wow really thought outside the box on that one show the dog you know him I got you this bill Bryson book my three fish well one needs more buddies because he's a schooling fish the other

two need buddies also implants too to make them happy I might also get a couple decorations they're fish they're fish can I also throw this out if your fish needs these things to be happy why are you waiting till Christmas it doesn't understand that you're waiting till Christmas it's just sitting going it doesn't understand being deprived yeah oh I guess I'm just waiting for Christmas a concept I fully grasped uh last day my horse I need new saddle pads I want a new halter that is not a present for the horse you're buying yourself horse I could turn them on to protect you to protect your gins while you're doing this thing that the horse definitely hates that's like saying I I darling I bought you a new backpack so you could carry my stuff around

Merry Christmas if your mailman stabbed you every time you dropped off your mail you'd be like Merry Christmas mailman I got you a bigger knife to stab me with Travis it would be like getting some wood a backpack to carry your stuff around except by your stuff you mean you darling I got you a bigger backpack to put me I got you an adult Bjorn for me let me just hop up in there you know what I noticed this year you were too unladen with my girth you're walking a little too tall I'm gonna break you 2014 any recommendations for my barn friends last year I got them all gifts but $25 for five people is too much to spend what do you recommend thanks for the help are barn friends people they've murdered in a barn are these the ghosts of barn deaths or

or are barn friends the friends they've created in said barn from murdering other people selling them animals no this is my barn friend out pig you know what I did here the proportions are all off these two animals are very differently so I think these are actually terrible human animal hybrids dr. Marot style they've created and now live in the rafters from the creators of pound puppies it's barn friend oh we're close to our business is close Merry Christmas Barford kill us please I'm a donkey man please call my children tell them what I am kill donkey man okay Merry Christmas don't you know what you should get donkey man for Christmas kill donkey man also oats maybe we had some artisanal stone cut oats here's the thing I'm gluten intolerant

kill donkey man I'm allergic to donkeys ironically um should we go to the money zone it feels kind of crass to do that in candle nights not to me I gotta pay for these presents I got you here your family's in town you don't know what to do with them it's okay we we can we can relate I don't I don't know what these guys would just just sit around chatting for a while then I'll lay it out fourth podcast recorded just to kill time we threw the other three away uh you but here's the good news for you you don't have to be like us you try to hulu.com that's fine but Lynn let me why don't you elevate your game to hulu plus you can uh watch your favorite shows anytime anywhere uh

snl jimmy kim alive shark tank scandal backdated like you can binge on uh lawnowner svu lost dr who community and they got original series too like the wrong man's behind the mask which is the docu series about what travis it's about mass class just and the people inside of them the people inside the mascot the barn the barn friends the barn friends world this is basically an insane amount of entertainment for eight dollars a month binge on all favorites or catch a movie and here's the best part about it for our christmas gift to you we're going to give you two weeks you're free you're welcome go to hulu plus dot com slash my brother and get an extended two week free trial that's hulu plus dot com slash my brother go get into hulu plus now and entertain your family and

you may be like me and sit there and think oh i've done hulu before but trust me man the amount of back catalog they've got now it's incredible well you say you're watching tv uh hulu plus dot com you're watching this stuff streamed on your your xbox 360 or what have you but you get a little you get a snack attack a little package snack attack reaching my drawer butt junk i have an insane amount of nature box snacks and i'm ready for the holidays they basically delivered um french french toast granola i have salted caramel pretzel pops i had should i just go downstairs and get some nature box we can bring that yeah well let's stop doing this stupid show nature doesn't sound tasty i want to eat my big bag of cheesy cracker you're stupid griffin

the buff puff you're stupid for christmas it's the new cheese snack from shy of the buff don't be an idiot this isn't rabbit food you idiot you stupid butt face there's just no trans fats or how food does corn syrup it's not artificial it's just real natural snacks that you can enjoy and it ships to you for free monthly like a subscription service you can switch up your snacks whenever you want they each one comes in like a nice stay fresh pouch you can reseal when you're done eating not that you ever will be and then you can use the box afterwards for i don't know dioramas or whatever you want diarrhea whatever you said for diarrhea you won't get diarrhea from these snacks guarantee but you might get them from your buff puffs buff puffs

actually that's like their guarantee is that they will give you diarrhea they're like um they're like the joke candy from harry potter that you eat to get diarrhea to get out of school your first order in nature box is going to be 50 off thanks to us you're going to use the promo code mybrother that's a one word at naturebox.com you're going to get your first order 50 off keep your hand out of the vending machine because they'll get stuck and you'll lose it and it'll pull over a lot of people die from vending machines every year that's actually what happened in that movie 128 hours is that the right number hours that was the extra hours that was the the the sequel um we got a personal message here from haymush haymush it's going out to richard

dear dear haymush trap so you read this one for me because i feel like yeah this message is for haymush i mean i said that stuff already from but i'm trying to set up an okay you know a certain feeling get a vibe get a rhythm let me start over this message is for haymush from richard dear dear aka haymush aka usc heavy boy aka weeaboo dad wish you guys are secretly making us a racist stuff we'll never forgive you wishing you a very uh goodness heavy boys keep heavy boys keep taking all my jobs a very gvcci birth anniversary i think it's supposed to be gucci okay a very gucci birth anniversary and a custom prime 24th year real proud of you for getting over that unemployment thing you are doing and con and calm cats in the cradle relations on your dad

ending his tours expecting big things from you in 14 lots of love from your boy rich dog okay okay listen listen richard if we just gave a secret order to assassinate the president we will never forgive you we we cannot we cannot be part of that uh did he say gucci birth anniversary or gvcci birth anniversary we just activated a very very racist splinter cell somewhere this is completely untenable but we gotta kill all the heavy boys oh no not again not that language please i have to go into hiding now it's candle nights uh happy birthday richard happy birthday hey mish happy birthday haymush and happy losing your money to us richard happy assassination of a public figure richard uh got another message griffin who's it who's it for and from this one is for

andrew considine and hannah beckman and it's from hannah beckman and andrew considine did we just get condom rabbit hole uh happy birthday to hannah from andrew and andrew from hannah and to all the other november babies out there missed missed it by that much we are almost in the next month that we almost missed it by uh uh hannah is historic preservationist out of buffalo in y and she protects buffalos and andrew is a graphic designer in eerie pa and what is that is that pennsylvania yeah is it yeah no it's pop it's pomain uh and although they live apart their favorite thing to do is listen to mabin bam together thanks for the laugh even though i know how very far apart we are it helps the thing we might be listening to the same great show

griffin thanks for the laughs sometimes and happy birthday to us also you both owe us $50 you both owe you both owe us $50,000 if we're gonna pay for the rights that was not fair use it was not parodic because it was not funny do you think it's okay to finish someone else's food do you have a fight with your friend over whether or not he should wear his filly's garb to a colorado rocky's game does your wife want to keep a chamber pot in her art studio if so please do not write into judge john hodgeman i heard all those cases already judge john hodgeman is the show where i john hodgeman adjudicate disputes between real people calling in over the internet and i tell them who is right and who is wrong over such important issues as

is a machine gun a robot and is it okay to go through the garbage at the canadian house of pizza and garbage bail of jessie thorn rounds out the cast for a fun-filled podcast of judgment and justice kind of to the same thing actually judge john hodgeman take a listen if you do not mind i order it come visit the courtroom it is open to all and located at maximum fun dot org here's another question from uh let's see here we are dear my brothers what is the history genesis if you will of candle lights would you say it's the next step the natural evolution the so-called war on christmas or rather does it represent the satirical and ironic sentiment that has saturated popular culture for the last couple of decades there is nothing oh i'm

i'm kind of angry now so you've just made me angry on my favorite holiday there's nothing satirical or ironic about candle lights how's how's your channel i can't let me i hate to come at you like this here's what candle lights is all about i'll sum it up for you in in direct terms candle lights is about stripping away the the religious boundaries that have have defined this holiday season and instead saying hey we all just want to be happy together for a couple weeks can we just have a nice candle it is it is it's the end of the war on christmas is what it is because like it's kind of like when it's the geneva convention of the war on christmas when rebel and union soldiers got together and they did that the treaty of versi and they like patched things up and they're

like it's time for a new america where the two of us can work together maybe we'll have a little bit of slavery maybe we could have just like a little bit of slavery on the western church hill negotiated the deal give us just south carolina to just still run rampant and go crazy crazy give us florida to just like do some experimentation with like how a state can possibly work give us those two states and then like we'll do the rest yes we will abolish slavery and the other like 14 states that we had we had peace we're gonna keep a light amount of tasteful slavery we're gonna keep a light amount of slavery in south carolina florida we are just gonna make it the wasteland they can do what they want they're gonna get super hot crimes good news they can have disney they can have disney

give us just a place where just like give us a george zimmerman wonderland is all that we want and if we do that then we'll do the rest of the other stuff and then they came together they agreed on it they shook hands and then they had a new arguably not as great but definitely more stable america that's what candlelight says it's not as good as any of the holidays no it's better than no but you know what it is it's not gonna i'm not gonna see people on facebook saying like oh i don't see why we have to say merry candle nights candle lights isn't for another two weeks christmas is two days closer than candle nights so maybe we should just or someone saying like i can't believe you said merry candle nights to me say man it's like no it's all incompetent it begins

exactly when you want it to it ends when you tire of it it's the most wonderful holiday because it's like a choose your own adventure holiday who is the who is the like like brazilian like governor dude that was like guess what christmas holiday kicks off like middle of november officially because we want people to be happy we want you to have like a super super long christmas time like that guy is is the pope of candlelight you know the weird thing about uh it it pops off in the uk early like we were there in the uh mid to late november pre thanksgiving and it was already have thanksgiving i know i know there's no wall there's no barrier there's no barrier they go into pre-pro on the doctor who christmas special in like late july and then they have to start doing it

then they have to um so that is that's where candle nights comes from griffin do you have a hot yahoo popping off or should i read another question i have a hot and ready yahoo to pop off for you guys here's a five dollar hot and ready yahoo sent in by nick key also it is germane hear me out you're gonna get angry uh thank you nick key it's by yahoo answers users sooner is 83 you hear that yeah boomer uh doctor up a little caesars hot and ready he asks now i know a lot of you are wondering how does this fit in same as like you watch hulu to like get through the holidays to get through like the boring times we need to do something if you need to if there's hungry times in the holidays maybe you're not much of a chef um maybe you can't make a christmas mousse uh what

do you do you roll down the little caesars you get five dollar hot and ready nobody is gonna be impressed though if you have a plain jane pepperoni or cheese or do they even do sausage um at the hot and ready they'll do pretty much anything you want to what i love about the hot and ready and no questions rachel and we're doing a party the other the other month and uh we got two pizzas and it wasn't enough to feed our guests and we live literally across the street from little caesars so we walked in there and they were like hot and ready you want it and i was like yeah i'll have a cheese they're like we only have pepperoni because that's the only pizza we make here that's the only one anyone asked for like how much do we have to wait for the cheese they said

five minutes and we said okay we can wait five it's against the slogan so it's a hot and almost ready we will wait five minutes to get the type of hot and ready pizza we want so we sat down in the only two chairs because like nobody sit the first longest five minutes of your entire life the staff is staring you going i think in this five minute period we were waiting two different people came into the little caesars said i would like a cheese or a sausage pizza they said we only have pepperoni it'll take five minutes and they said i guess i'll just take the pepperoni then like you are eating a little caesars pepperoni pizza at it was like 9 30 how tight did they time out there at evening oh i gotta go i gotta get to the governor's mansion 9 45 i got that ball

starting at 9 45 it can't be late both people were willing to compromise and and it wasn't the most shocking thing is that they compromised in front of me or rachel who were sitting there like tut tut like couldn't kick it for five to get the i guess you could just take the stuff off but it will still have the the the leavings of caesarean starts in 20 minutes i gotta go oh it was such a bummer but listen you can you gotta take these pizzas and this is something that not many people do but you gotta take it and chop and screw it what are this okay two hot and ready stuck them together chop them together calzone's calzone's i got everybody loves the papa john's thin crust because when you get papa john's thin crust you get this special packet of seasoning but i'm here

to tell you is a special candlelight to get from me to you you can just fake that here's what you're gonna do you're taking this off a website you looked up it has three out of five stars so like already its accuracy is suspect two tablespoons paprika two tablespoons salt two tablespoons garlic powder one tablespoon black pepper one tablespoon onion powder one tablespoon cayenne pepper one tablespoon dried oregano one tablespoon dried thyme now mix i don't want to put you on blast justin but it's two and a half tablespoons yeah somebody just somebody just made that they finished it after you started saying dried thyme they were like let's make this up and they taste and he said i've been lied to but i also want to throw out on this website it lists the prep time

is five minutes five minutes which one's oregano there's a lot of measuring going on but you get that make that into a container i had a container that for a long time uh and i'm out now and but now i'm gonna i know what somebody's getting for candlelight what did you put that i fess up time here comes taxicab confessions to the macro brothers tell me exactly the kinds of foods you would put this homemade papa john seasoning on your father johnny's uh well seasoning okay pizza yeah pizza yes centric hot pockets italian meatball hot pockets because those are basically just you just let them finish uh chicken uh-huh that could actually be all right i could beef uh chicken and beef pizza uh-huh and pizza that's it that wasn't like uh you didn't make like

a pasta once and you didn't try and put it on pizza dough i mean it's good and everything did you make case of d is once you're like let me just pizza d is now it's in it's like it's like a pizza seasoning i put it in a jar that i wrote pizza seasoning on the top of it and there that's it that's the whole thing that's a whole kit and caboodle go make that seasoning and you'll be like wow this is a very convincing here's my case ready put some put some veggie oil on hot get it hot get it to where like you put a chopstick in it you get a steady stream of bubbles but it doesn't like go crazy then you've got a bread some artichoke hearts throw those in there slap that on your pizza merry candle nights hello and happy candle lights to the three wise brothers i seek advice

regarding how to handle tiny holiday celebrations each year our extended family candle nights party has five to eight people but due to a perfect storm of scheduling conflicts i'll be the only person traveling to my parents place do you have any advice as to how to celebrate the most joyous of times with only your parents that's from jim and jersey city ps there will be a limit of two games to take it to ride you have to open everyone's presents that aren't there and claim them as your own oh susan missed it this year this is mine these are mine now i have a foot massager i have three foot massages because our parents aren't creative with the gift giving i how do you i broader question how do you do anything with only a party of three p yeah oh

let me throw this out excuse yourself to the bedroom several times with several costume changes come back as your brothers and sisters routinely i will throw that out as well all right but out of out in the trash where oh what's that i think susan needs me in the bedroom hello mother are your parents see now because you could pull this off you could say hey good good news everybody showed up but they're waiting in the bedroom they're very shy they don't want to come out all together gaslight your parents and maybe you could do like a groundhog day as spring and how i give in the morning and reset it right right yourself one to ten how good are you at puppetry and ventriloquism darlene she's in the kitchen making sweet potatoes um are we talking

about a weekend are we talking about a night because we need to figure this out hour by hour because like two games a ticket to ride if they're contentious games maybe an hour and a half each can you even do ticket to ride with three players and then you're gonna be drinking game so that's three hours drink drink drink drink drink drink that'll be the last four hours so we have seven hours of the day spoken before so that's that's finished if we are assuming if you go to bed at eight o'clock what you're gonna have to do because there's not gonna be any stuff and you're gonna be like super daylight drunk by eight o'clock i would suggest that you guys maybe don't stay at a house like don't be oh that's good i think don't be at the place where you've had like big family

thanksgivings together like i think maybe why don't you go to like a movie together a lot of people go to christmas day movies i did not realize this until i was working at the paper on christmas day once what's up i also worked at the paper on christmas day and they said go to the movies there's people there all the time and i was like wow this sounds like a freaking hot lead i got to get out there and you're right bust this story wide open so i went and walked walked up to the line of people and apparently i think they were as surprised as i was that their movie going was newsworthy but i did ask each of them like so what you're saying or or you could do something very similar and do what i like to call real holiday tv which is you and your family wander around the neighborhood and

look into people's houses and watch them experience christmas see how many people they have see if there'd be room for three more yeah and then just duck in there i couldn't help but notice your table wasn't quite full yet could you see two maybe three that is a big bullet dip for just four people looks like you could easily feed seven you always have leftovers you always have leftovers um man can you recreate that scene in a home alone where he tries to make it look like like a rockin house party is going on to keep the burglars away but you do that and maybe the other people that you're that you're handling are your family members and also right when you finish getting that set up do like a bunch of mescaline and then maybe the illusion will be complete complete

he could stand in our house jim come on over yeah leave two parents and then they look and go what do we do they can come over too yeah uh guys i'm so happy to be here with you too i'm happy to be here too oh well i'm gonna leave tomorrow you are leaving tomorrow that's true uh candle night's question i'm 25 and just moved to wisconsin to start my first full-time job because of this i won't be able to head home for christmas this year first time i won't be able to make it my parents and oldest sister live in southern california where i grew up so cal babe wow that sucks redondo what's up uh i'm really sad that i won't be able to spend christmas with them this year i'm heading to a friend's place in chicago which is awesome but it just won't be the same what are some awesome

things for me to do this christmas season to stop being sad that i won't be able to see my family for this for the holiday this year um you could cry a bunch you could cry don't talk to your parents because they're just gonna make you feel guilty about it well okay you could i don't know what your technology setup is but you could just like FaceTime the whole day and feel like you're there Travis how are you handling not being able to see your family this year oh i'm gonna have to tell like you guys are dead like there's been a nuclear strike yeah i wasn't really in y'all dead to me no i mean probably phone calls and um yeah drinking yeah i might scream that one ow i'm just saying like we it's true can teresa hear us i mean eventually yes we are clearly the

way better family to kick it with listen don't i know um i would say just kidding you're saying i love my i love my loss they're really terrific i think i've met them yeah they're great i i mean here's the thing what you got to do is this is your opportunity to make some new holiday traditions for yourself so maybe your friends decorate cookies and watch diehard and that's like your christmas thing what you don't want to do is spend the day trying to recreate traditions that you and your family did well would be worse than that like you know guys in my house we'll stop it we always watch them up at christmas carol and then we sing songs for the governor's cat is a crazy cat what are you what are you doing start your own thing and make it like really

based around the fact that you're young and you could do whatever you want so make it like a drinking game set up around charlie brown christmas you know what i mean make it a fun thing that you would never feel comfortable doing with your family um if you don't if you don't set bars for yourself as to what connet hates christmas and that's something that i think we've had to sort of make our peace with as as you get older like from the time i was born until god until i was probably like 21 or 22 we would sit at the top of the stairs each christmas morning sometimes my parents would put a string actually across the top of the stairs the note on it says don't go downstairs even though we all knew the rules pretty well and we would you know wait for them to say come on down

our parents got a cup of tea or whatever then we would rush downstairs and open our presents and like that was our baseline of christmas and i think that 22 19 and we thought that was like we thought that was like fully normie nor mcdonald behavior and that was our but that was like what we thought of as christmas and like the the the further i get away from that the happier i am just to like you know be with people that i like and do stuff and you know well with justin going to the smurls too now it started like instead of waking up at like 7 a.m and tearing into stuff like we get together like noon one o'clock and you know very casually like go to town and it's you know it's that's the thing is traditions are what you make them and every year you know

it's your own setup and i think you can stress yourself out make yourself really sad by saying like oh i can't recreate these things but like maybe this is the year that it's your christmas yeah you know yeah do when in Rome let follow their suggestions yeah man chicago is an awesome town i bet you could find some awesome christmas stuff not from november to march it ain't here's a fun thing to do in chicago try not to die try not to die from either the hailstorm of actual hail or bullets from guns merry christmas chicago you were great in the 80s when they made all those movies about you that were all set in chicago and then global warming and global gunning happened because of global gunning there was that one there was that the the el nino came the

el nino of guns and then everyone had one merry christmas chicago please stay safe stay indoors griffin do you have any more yahoos i want to be done because like i just want to get back to spending time with our whole family and and you know i think we've given people the greatest gift of all which is 50 minutes of our time yeah um this one was sent in by ira ray are you ira ray who wants to know i caught you by surprise i like actually saw you like uh thank you ira ray eat a little when that happened this one's uh by yahoos user racy lady who asks alternative to chris kringle has anyone any ideas on christmas presents other than personal or chris kringle would like to use something new for the family from president obama that might be good you're

talking about different sources from which presents could have oh you could do like alternate persons so like two travis from evil travis from other dimension you're gonna have to build a lot of fiction around that though i think there's gotta be an easier solution okay two travis from the ghost that watches you while you sleep do you guys know that if you space out while griffin's reading the question and then jump back into it it's kind of hard to you can turn it into a game it's sort of like you use context clues to try to walk backwards to the like in paycheck where he like has to go back and put the machine without giving him any more clues justin what do you think the yahoo answer is about griffin if you put a pistol in my mouth i could not tell you well

no because you'd have a mouthful of pistol you thought it was look at me in the eyes look at me eyes presents different present sources other than yourself or ho ho what can they be for friends family children neighbors policemen you're saying like you're gonna write something on that front okay what are you gonna write not yourself not santa not why can't i write those because they're looking for fun extra sources justin it's yahoo answers why does anyone do anything for anything what you're setting up is this weird like contest where it's like what did santa get you and what did sponge bob give you and it's like next year it's like do you want to go sit on santa's lap no that santa gave me a stupid sweater sponge bob gave me a tasty baked oven i'm losing my mind

what about the spirit of generosity could you put that on there how about um you give them an empty box so when they open it up there's nothing in there you say we donated your presents to poor kids or and this is from life lessons if you want to antagonize your child towards somebody else for some arbitrary reason like you get them box and they open the box and it's full of broken glass and the kids like what let me check that from tag it's from former mtv vj sway man i hate this i'm only eight years old i've never seen sway and i don't know sway from joe but man i hate this guy they open the box and there's just a head in there it's from kevin spacey it's from kevin spate uh see but that was a goof what no kevin spacey's serial killer in real life that movie's

based on him i'm saying maybe your parents want you to hate sway maybe they have some sort of beef maybe they liked who's another you're saying you're saying they had a child so they could find someone to take the fall for killing sway or and then someday buy an ad on a podcast that activates that child happy christmas everyone we killed sway we finally took him out he was number two on the list right after osama i you know you know what sad is sway thought this would be the episode he played for his family i'm sorry i don't know what these guys are talking about i don't know what happened we found him in a cave underneath karsten dale here's the weirdest part when griffin could pick any random celebrity sway is like one of the point zero five percent of celebrities that griffin

actually has had some interaction with and kind of like that's what i can say i have i have communed with sway sway and i have lunch well we all commune with sway every day griffin when we look inside ourselves and i kneel towards sway's house sway break sway was this sway and pray sway planted the seed in the fertile loins my journalistic endeavors and my my career at large he is a lovely human being there's nobody on earth that hates sway except for these two people they were having that's how they found each other they were having a really hard time they met on the message board of which there are both moderators um they were having a hard time living in a world where there were only two people that hated sway so they had to give birth to this third person that wasn't so

crazy about their customs and that's how religions begin and that is how and that's the story of how mr curt loader met his wife mrs curt loader mrs curt loader uh thank you guys so much for listening to this very joyous uh holiday episode the candle nights 2013 we hope you've uh had fun if you if it's your first time listening to the show uh it's it's usually pretty much like this so yeah if you've enjoyed it please come back if not we're sorry i believe the person who thought you would you would uh uh enjoy it even though you obviously didn't and we're sorry about that uh when i say thank you to naturebox.com where you can order great tasting healthy snacks if you send off use that old coupon code my brother when you're ordering your uh your snacks and you're gonna get

uh save save yourself some dough you'll need it after the holidays uh and you can also entertain your family this holiday season with hulu plus go to huluplus.com slash my brother get a free two week free trial extended trial bends on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere huluplus.com slash my brother i want to thank john rodrick and along winter is for the use of our theme song it's a departure uh which is you can find it on the album putting the days to bed i believe it is track 10 if i'm not mistaken i believe it is track 10 on that LP that long play album i also want to give a shout out um to all of our listeners who are also retail employees and i'm sorry about the 26 when you get flooded with gifts that people return because they did not like them it is the

saddest day of the year yeah boxing day they call it and you because people people punch each other in the box to try it the macy's is gonna run out of money i gotta get in the front of that line punch punch punch punch punch punch uh and that's gonna do it for us uh i think i'd like what i feel like we should have like a warmer send off like well i was i was thinking we should do uh i'll get my guitar and we can do a song that sounds terrible can we just say like happy holiday soon we love you all and we can't wait to see you in 2014 and stick around after the outro music and maybe there'll be a song i'm gonna try to talk to them do it don't don't don't just listen to what we love you and we thank you for listening to us i don't know if we're gonna do another episode in 2014 if

we do it's a surprise if not we'll see you in 2014 i don't want it to be like the when the end of thor 2 when people stuck around for the end of thor 2 like can't wait to see what secret marvel secrets it was like i'm benicio del toro in a spaceship and you have no idea what i'm talking about but but but spoilers thanks for hanging around uh thanks thank you to for hanging around uh we got one we will have benicio del toro singing the christmas classics after the credits if you want to stick around big props to the best boy key grip you definitely want to shout out him you definitely want to see him uh this final yahoo was sent in by ian steed thank you ian it's but yahoo answers user i'm on a boat oh i kid it uh who asks if pat oh if batman parents

are died then how was he born i'm just a macron i'm travis macroy i'm griffin macroy this has been my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips happy candle nights stay tuned for that song don't it's not maximum fun dot or comedy and culture artist owned listener supported i really can't stay maybe it's cold outside i got to go away maybe it's cold outside this evening has been hoping that you're so very nice i'll hold your hands they're just like my mother will start to worry beautiful what's your my father will be pacing the floor listen to the fireplace really i better scurry maybe just to have a drink more some records on the neighbors

my thing maybe it's cold out there say what's in this dream no caps to be had out there i wish i knew how to break this spell i'll take your hat your hair i want to say no no no sign if i'm moving least i'm going to say that i tried sense and hurting my brain i really can't stay oh but it's cold outside baby it's cold outside cold oh