My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 185: Draining a Niner

Episode Date: January 27, 2014

This Child Star Turned His Body Into Hot Dogs For Griffin to Eat. You Won't Believe What Happened Next. Suggested talking points: The Grammies, Jack Big Buttonitis, Guy Fieri Family Hour, Jack in the Box, JTT Hot Dogs, A Series of Airlocks, Cheddar's House Arrest

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome to this very special episode of My Brother, My Brother, and Me. It's our Grammy Awards 2014 special. My name is Justin McElroy. My name is Travis McElroy. My name is Griffin McElroy. And I know that sounded weird, but I'm just so excited. I know, I've got Grammy fever. Tonight, we are going to be honoring some amazing achievement in the

arts of butterscotch cookie making, of ribbon candy placement, cheek kisses, cheek kisses, hair tassels, biggest purses, oversized sweaters bought, most uncomfortable fabrics. Weirdest smelling quilts. Weirdest smelling hair. Yeah, just a lot of weird. There's seven. A lot of weird smells. It's sort of like bread. Okay. Well, that seems a little hate. Most, you know, the problem with the weird smell categories is most of them are handled off camera. We don't even get to see those. They have like a special sub ceremony that like. These awards were presented by Tom Wopat at a separate event. It's always Tom Wopat, too. That's his hell. That's his point. He did something and that's his punishment.

He did something really bad. Guys, what Grammys are you most excited about tonight? Where do you think the hot contingent's going to be? I think it's going to be most spangly dressed. Spanglishly dressed? Is that? Well, no, no, I don't know. Who's dressing with the most spangles? Who's got the most, the most, you know, what am I looking for here? Sequins. Travis is making a play for the most confused category. Sorry, Travis, but that award has actually already been handed out by Mr. Wopat. How about congratulations to Darlene Mecklin, age 73. You really went for it this year. Do you, you have no idea why you get to hang out

with Tom Wopat every year? I think my favorite thing about the Grammys is unlike other awards shows, it airs at like 3 30 in the afternoon. Yeah, that's really nice because you can finish the whole awards show and still have an early dinner. And boy, you thought Jacqueline Basette took a long time to get to the stage during the Golden Globes. You haven't, you ain't seen nothing yet. Every, every procession to the stage lasts at least 20 to 25 minutes. And it's like a race to who can get up there before they start playing the get off the fucking stage Mima music. It's never happened, but I hope to someday hear a Mima deliver a speech. Someone's going to get up, someone's going to train for that. And she's going to get up there,

like right as the music starts and be like, nope, nope, booyah. And then walk away. And my favorite, I'm really looking forward to the performance. I heard that this year, there's going to be a Mima reading some Dr. Seuss. Oh, that'll be. I'm really excited about it. That's going to be really nice. Why is she doing that? She's doing the first half of the places you'll go to her six year old grandson. I like that. That's not funny. It's just nice. Yeah. The weird thing is, it won't be mic'd. So you, like, you won't be able to hear it. Okay. Let's shoot for just nice this episode. Okay. You know what the bummer about the Grammys is actually though? She is still, Meryl Streep always wins. She doesn't even have grandkids.

Also the, also the, also the, the in memoriam reel. Three hours. Yeah, it's three hours long. Okay. This is a comedy. And they have to add some people in from the beginning of the awards show. Like people that were on the red carpet and now in the video. But yeah, that H1N1 was really bad. It actually wouldn't stop. They had to just cancel the show because they, they just kind of leave it out in the background as they present all the awards. Man, H1N1 took a lot of grandmas from us. Anyway, let's start with the show. Let's get on with the comedy jokes. Man, that flu just fucking devastated our old people. Speaking of Grammy fever. Man, they all drowned to death on their own mucous. Anyway, let's go ahead

and get it rolling. Big wheel, keep on turning. Jokes on jokes. That swine flu canceled a lot of Disneyland trips. Let's get this ball rolling. Pack up the car kids. We're going to comedy town. Grandma's not coming cause she did a swine flu. Fuck man. Wow. Yeah, a lot of them. We could have talked about beaver. I tried to tell you we should have talked about beaver. No, no, no. Let's talk about this devastating flu. Raise your hand if your grandma died in 2009. Yeah. Oh yeah. Everyone I guess. Oh, I'm sorry, grandmothers. I've got a coworker who's a complete idiot. Nice guy, but total moron who's completely unable to perform even the smallest task on her own.

What's wrong? You still laughing about that swine flu? She's still thinking about dead grannies. There's nothing funny about it. He says laughing. So the coworker's an asshole and once in a while they'll do something stupid and everybody will fix it for him and say something like, I hope I didn't just look too stupid. And our question asked her tries to make him feel better about himself, but he's getting tired of it. And he's trying to find a balance between supportive and making him feel dumb. Doesn't want to be a jerk, but it's something even his 11-year-old could figure out.

That's from overly supportive in Ohio. A paraphrase there because it's a long question, but you get the gist. Well, he's playing you. Oh, this is one of those you know the long shitty one time your dad won't ask you to do it any more type situations. And even better because then he finishes the bank going, I hope I didn't look stupid. Oh, no. You're my big office worker, boy. You mowed the basket your basketball number into our front yard. So in terms of completion, not great, but you expressed yourself and that's really matters. I you think so you think he's on the grip. I think everyone's on the

grip, but I think this person is on the grift spectrum, like leaning super hard into it. So is the response not to try to correct this person, but somehow make yourself appear less capable than this person is? So could you go stride into the boss's office, deliver the bigger port, and then once you set on his desk, once you set it on his desk, you just dump a bucket of soapy water on it and go like, did I do that? I wanted to clean it. I cleaned up your hard drive, boss, and then you pour soapy water on his hard drive. Is it possible that your coworker is an 11-year-old who has been biged into an adult body? Oh, that is always, always your first inclination. And you know what? It's a good one

because you're right most of the time. You're right most of the time. So here's what you need to do. You just get, you just corner me and you say like, Joshua, I know what's happened and we can fix this together. I know where there's a Zoltan machine. We'll do this and let's do a secret handshake to prove that I know you're a kid. Yeah. Here, take this adult gogurt and then you hand him an adult gogurt. I think it's just activity. I think it's just activity. I wish they would make, like, I love food and tubes, but I don't want all that colorful packaging. I wish they had something a little more upscale, a little classier, maybe leathery. You know, I drink those yogurt smoothies because they have all the probiotics that my gurgled guts need, but I don't get to

squeeze it. I don't get to like force it into my, I don't get to like recreate the, the peristalsis of, of an intestine as I just like splooch the, the food, food glop into my mouth hole. What if this guy has Jack disease? Oh, what if he has, what if he has combination Jack disease and bigitis? Oh, no, no, it's fine. It's fine. I'm going to look like this in a couple years. It's okay. I do. So every one year I do eight, but then I also had to skip like nine through 36. So like kind of a raw deal I'm getting here. I'm basically two. I'm basically two years old is what I wanted. I was born, I wasn't born yesterday. I was born last Thursday. I do have Jack, Jack Ampig. So yeah, I still have like a little bit of umbilical stumble down there, but it's okay

because I also have been a button. So hold on, let me figure this out. I was born at two, skipped to 10, skipped to 36. I will be 45 next week and then 28 the week after that. Yeah, I think I figured that out. Basically the Highlander is so. Look for that question on the SATs someday soon. I mean, if someone is going to be a screw up and you're not there superior, I think you just kind of have to lump it. I mean, no, Justin, you are wrong. And I'll tell you why everybody's like, I have to state my whole point. I can tell you really weight all the pluses and minuses. Justin, you sounded like you were about to be wrong. The problem is everybody's covering for the guy. I didn't have a pointy that. Yeah, I mean, yes,

but like I understand that it's like you want to do it because you're not a terrible human being. You don't want to see this person fail, but at the same time, like every time that you fix it for him without attention being brought to it, you're not helping the dude because it sounds like he's not capable of doing this job. Yeah, but you are helping the dude. By definition of helping the dude, you're covering his tracks constantly. That's what help is. Making it so he never gets busted. But what if he what if he regresses rapidly and people are like, you know, his boss who doesn't know any of this just sees the work he does. And he's like, oh, okay, everything's turning out well. Promotion. And then he runs that business

into the ground and 100,000 people are laid off. I think the best solution. This is a big business with a hot. What kind of overhead does this 100,000 employee business have? They make adult gogurt. There are the limonade. Everybody has to help him run all of the conspiracies. Maybe the solution is somewhere in the middle of telling him what's wrong about it, but making him make the corrections, because that's probably the best way of helping him to learn. And also, you're, you know, you're not going to have to do the work for him. Because I feel like after you explain to him what the mistake is and have him corrected himself,

then he has to sort of be responsible for his own product. But I also would say, do you do you really want to be the George this dude's Lenny for the rest of the time that he works there? I if it does culminate in an assassination, then this is probably not something you want to be a part of. Yeah, definitely not. You guys want to Yahoo? Please. This Yahoo is sitting by Alan Black. Thanks, Alan. It's by Yahoo's user Taylor B. Who asks, has anybody been to the Guy Fieri show?

If you have, is it appropriate for younger children? No. My daughter, my daughter is a huge fan of him. And we got some free tickets, but I'm not sure if it's appropriate for her or not. Help please. You know, when you hear stuff like that, it always makes me remember that there are parents and authority figures in the world that like their kid said once, like when Guy Fieri was on TV and their mother was like, don't you like this guy? And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he's great, whatever. And then went back to like reading their book.

And their mother just clicks in their head, huge Guy Fieri fans. This lady loves Guy Fieri. Got it. I'll remember that for next Christmas. It's the show. Is the Guy Fieri Road show appropriate for younger audiences? Is it TV, PG? If you leave it intermission, you're fine. Because after intermission, he starts to get a little not-safe for work. He starts, he's like, all right, is all the kids gone? All right, fuck nuts.

Let's cook. Let's cook some food that's going to make you cunt. Before I make these spare ribs, let me get my balls out. I, and yes, they are bleach blonde and spiky. This is a great time to remind parents that you have got to be cautious about exposing your children to Guy Fieri. As they're too young, they can't process it. They think they're having fun and they could get addicted. You walk in on your, you think this is a good like thing for your kid to be into when he or she is a little kid, but then when you're, he's 14, his first day at high school

and he's wearing a visor, that's, that one's on you. That is on, that visor is on you. I mean, it's on your kid, but morally it's on you. So I went looking for some more information about Guy Fieri's road show, trying to get a concrete answer, you know, to the, to the question. And I stumbled on Guy Fieri's Twitter account. Would anyone be interested in what he's been cooking up there on his Twitter feed? Is it covered in, in cracklins and bacon butter? Cooking it up big time for new season of Guy's Big Bite. You're going to dig it.

Okay. That's, I feel like I ate, I feel like I ate that sentence. Wait, Justin, could you say that again, but like, he's sad about it. Cooking it up big time for new season of Guy's Big Bite. You're going to dig it. Just hit Bentonville, Arkansas for a big Walmart meeting about Guy Fieri's sausages. God, I swear to God. I swear to killer hotel. I swear to God, all I, when you're doing that, maybe it's the impression,

or maybe it's the words that you're saying, he has said big several times in both these streets. Just like all I'm hearing is just consonants. It's all I'm hearing from you. It's big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big. Yeah, it's funny. There's a, there's a thing that happens in the human brain where you can like leave out every like fourth letter and people will still read it the same way. I think maybe that's just how Guy Fieri communicates with the world as a whole. And we just as a people have been filling in the blanks and to cry for help. Some friends of mine found my salsas in Rohton, Honduras.

Dig it. Is that a tweet? That's a tweet. Does he, does he have a secret stash of salsas in Rohton? I don't think they're salsas that belong to him. I think they're salsas that he made. Maybe not my salsas and I had to kill them. My secret salsa stockpile.

Apparently, so Yahoo Answers to Zerlana answers, it's supposed to be family friendly, but there are reports of body jokes and innuendos. More from the Flare bartender than from Guy Fieri. This just in. There are reports of body jokes and innuendos coming from the Guy Fieri Roadshow. Strike team, a symbol. It's supposed to be family friendly, but there's a little bit of body. Film at 11.

Free to make free to all veterans, past, present, and future thanks for your service. What? It almost ain't really about food as much. I thought he said something about Fritos in the beginning. Fritos ain't free. Come buy me some. I'm so sad. Stoked to see my new line of sausage at Walmart.

Check out the four killer flavors. It's just your cricket. And then there's a picture of him with ZZ Top and the guys from Duck Dynasty. Perfect. Perfection. I'm noticing lately I'm incredibly sensitive and insulted slash her easily. For one instance, I have a friend who greets me by saying, fuck you. And while I know he's joking, it still makes me feel.

Pretty good joke. Hey, great joke. Pretty good joke. Solid goof. Yuck, yuck, yuck. It worked. It worked on us, but we thought that Grammy thing was funny. Also, if I go to Jack in the Box and the girls at the window don't greet me with a smile,

I feel personally responsible. How do I grow thicker skin? And that's from Gabriel. The first one is like, you're here just in time. Nobody owes you a smile. Like you need to get over the idea that people owe you smiles. Also, I know when a Jack in the Box is ever happy to see someone roll. If anything, they're disappointed in you.

They have to paint that smile on the Jack in the Box mascot every day, because just the fumes from the fryer is just like peel it off. That is how sad that restaurant wants you to be. Gabriel, you have got to start loving yourself a little more. You have got to start having a little more time, a little more consideration, a little more energy put into Project Gabriel, which sounds sweet. It sounds like you're saying you need to have more frequent jerk sessions. I don't mean frequent jerks.

Find the time for Gabriel time. Make the time. Every day at noon 15. I don't see how the first time your friend says, fuck you. If it bothers you, you tell him. If it doesn't bother you so much and you want to say friends with him, you tell him, fuck you back.

Or just sort him. Just let that one ride. That seems like a situation that will sort of sort itself out, because you get pulled over by a cop like, oh, fuck you, officer. What do you mean? License registration? All right, let me get that for you. Fuck you real quick.

All right, here you go. Gabriel, right now you have what's called an external locus of control. You're handing over everything about your demeanor and your mindset, and you're putting it in the hands of other people. And I guarantee you when you do that, it is never going to pan out, because the world's never going to care as much about your own feelings as you do. You have got to, first off, take time and build yourself confidence a little bit. Think about all the things that are great about you,

because I know there are many. They have places you excel. And then once you've done that, start focusing on how you can make other people's days brighter. Rather than how those people are making you feel. Because I guarantee you, once you start putting energy into that, it is going to come back on you several fold. That's the only way to go through it. Otherwise, you're like a beautiful plastic bag floating through the air whimsically,

just hoping no one films you. Sells it to Sam Mendes to use it as movie. You don't want that? No. Let me throw this out. Maybe you snap. Okay. And then your friend's like, fuck you.

Like, no, fuck you and smack him in the face. And when the girls, the dragon box, don't smile, you walk inside and go, why didn't you smile at me? Why didn't you smile at me? Hey. Are you not happy to give me burgers and tacos? Listen, you work at a restaurant where I could get burgers and tacos in the same box. Like, how does the farce of that should make you so happy?

I'm just saying turn it into like a Nicholas Cage movie. Have you not seen your own commercials? They're hilarious. I don't get to see those because we don't have any jack-in-the-boxes here. If you want, I can like DVR them. Can you DVR them? I can just subscribe them to you on the show. Can you just tape them,

Trab and then like get a whole tape together of them and then just mail them a tape? Jack-in-the-box sells a dinner box because everything does come in boxes there, true to name. That is like, I think it's even called like the 4 AM box. And it is for mega chiefers. It is it is for people that have been sucking down the the saltiest spliffs. And they do not hide it in the commercials for it. It's basically like two dudes sitting on a couch just like taking a bong hit and then like blowing the smoke into their 4 AM box and then just like drinking down a taco.

Now, I've not seen these ads. I'm assuming you're exaggerating a little bit, but they definitely do the bong rips. And at one point the dude takes off the giant white ball, you know, jack-in-the-box helmet thing and just smoke pours out of the bottom. It's been snooped the whole time. Yeah, he is not as into marijuana as he once was. It's part of his reform, part of his reformation. I didn't know this. Thank you for the update.

Gabriel, you're great. You have great taste in podcasts. I know that you have a cool name. There's that. There's lots of other good stuff about you. Focus on that stuff and don't worry so much about how other people are making you feel. And stop with the jack-in-the-box thing. That's just nutty. Those people have to work at jack-in-the-box and every time you see them, they know they're about to hurt you with food. Like that's a double thing that they have to overcome.

You have to be a little more generous to be awash with their regrets. Yeah, I'm so sorry about this. I'm sorry about this. If it were up to me, I wouldn't hand this to you. I care about you. Hey, how about a yahoo? This yahoo was sent in by Amanda Thatcher. Thanks Amanda. It's by yahoo answers user Jesse who asks, How to make your own hot dog?

How do I make my own hot dog? I would like to make a beef hot dog that is nine feet long and try to eat it in one sitting. Also, I need instructions on how to make a nine foot long bun also. Any suggestion, fellow hot dog lovers? All right, you can like human centipede it. You're going to have to take a mulligan on the bun. You're not going to be able to make a nine feet bun.

You're going to have to make a long, long, long hot dog and then put several buns on it as there's no way around. Or get a bun. Step one, go to Subway and buy nine foot long just the bread. That would be so fucking gross Travis. Think about what you're saying. Think about how big and robust those delicious subway rolls are. And then imagine like a tiny little wiener.

Well, I really just want to see the look on the people at Subway's face. And you go, I would like nine of the Italian herb please. Okay, what kind of sandwich? No. No, you don't understand me. I just, and I do need them cut down the middle please. That's a pretty good idea, Travis. I just, I wish you could buy hot dog buns at the store.

Well, no. No. I wish there was, because I wish there was a place where you could get bread except for Subway. Why didn't we ever give them the monopoly on bread sales? Rachel made some banana bread yesterday and a lawyer came to our house. Issued a cease and desist right there on the spot. Took the bread away.

Travis Subway. Travis, you do some gross cooking. Have you ever tried to make your own hot dog? Would you ever consider making your own hot dog? Well, I know that there are people in this world that like make their own sausage. Yeah, but I know you don't want to see that. I think sausage comes from somewhere. There is, there is a reason we use the phrase,

this is how the sausage gets made. You know, you have to see how the, there's a reason why because it's gross as balls. Like you don't want to make your own hot dog because you have to see it. The only way to make it and listen, if you think it doesn't bother you to like, okay, so eating hot dogs is what it really is, is a test of your own mental acuity and your ability to distract yourself from facts at the first, as you snap into a hot dog and you taste that juicy beefy flavor, you are swept away by the taste. And then you think, okay, I have five inches or so left of this hot dog and I'm in a race

to keep from remembering how hot dogs are made and the things that are in them and the things that I would never know are in them. It's like 75% toenails, right? Yeah, at least when you're doing like a bratwurst, like Italian sausage, it's like, okay, I know that that's me. I know what that is. I guess Travis, you're not a part of this conversation. This is a conversation, this is a conversation for fellow hot dog lovers only.

So if you're going to want to try and like go outside the box and maybe you should excuse yourself. It's weird that I have to realize that a hot dog is the kind of food that the bigger it is, the more disgust, like it's exponentially more disgusting. That's what I'm saying. I'm saying nine feet in by like, by three feet, the reality of hot dogs is going to be soaking into you from every angle. Like your stomach will be so full of hot dog and all you'll be able to think about is like that giant crazy grinder that they just throw whatever meat related products they can find

into it and then just jam into it. Meat adjacent. Just meat adjacent. Hey, uh, Doug, do rocks have protein? I don't know. We made it to eight and a half feet and we're out. Hey, a pig, hey, a pig looked at this chair. Yeah, throw that chair right in the grinder.

Hand me that stack of invoices. I did not know you guys were so cavalier about hating hot dogs. I don't. What I'm saying Griffin is that some things you have to just eat them and not think about it too much. It's about distraction and I'm saying you're going to lose the distraction game if you are eating nine feet of hot dogs. Unless, unless you're fucking Kobayashi.

Okay. That dude could drain a niner in, I would say, probably 80 seconds. It's like you walk by in your kitchen and like, where's that nine foot hot dog I made for myself? I literally just made it. It took me a week. And you look around Kobayashi, he's just like burping. I didn't even know what I was doing. Do you think because it's so long, there's no table to fit it and you have to put it on the

ground and then he'd also have to lay on the ground. It would look kind of like Pac-Man. Just like walk, walk, walk, walk, walk. It would look like he's doing the worm. Don't you think it would be cool if there's a nine foot hot dog on the one end with Scooby Doo and the other end with Shaggy and they like ate it? Oh, and you put like a dab of ketchup right in the center. Yeah.

And it's you raise to the ketchup. Yeah. And then they kind of kissed and they're like, whoa, that was an accident. Kind of kissed. But then they kind of liked it. Do you want to do it again? Yeah. And then they just kind of keep kissing and then Fred's there.

And he's like, you guys can go on and I'll just snap some pictures. I got a Scooby snack for you. And then he does touch himself. There is no way you're going to be able to transport a nine foot long hot dog and have it maintain structural integrity without several people having their hands on it. Like no question. Or you can buy 10 foot PVC pipe at Home Depot. So you just need to construct some kind of carrying device.

You know what you need? It's a coffin. It's just a big coffin. And you lay the big hot dog down in it and then you can dress it. It'll be like one of those little paper trays that they give you at the ballpark with the hot dog, but it's giant. And then you can go ahead and eat it and then you just lie right down in it. Because then you die there.

Because then you're done. That's your last accomplishment. Yeah. You're inducing the end of your life. But hey, what a way to go. You know what I mean? I come to Kvorky and never thought of jamming a nine foot hot dog. And I watched the drift off.

And the headster just says, I can't believe I ate the whole thing and then died. It is your right. I believe to end your life, however, you see fit and in your case, I believe the best approach would be to slam one of these juicy ballpark frags. Just slam, not just one, a niner. A niner. Listen. I know a guy.

I know a guy. He can make you a niner. All you do is drain it, do it fast enough. And the pain is over. See, the pain is just beginning, but your death will soon follow. So it won't be like a huge deal. You're at foot six, like, Doc, I don't know if I can do it. Like you got to push through, baby.

Sweet release on the other end. And he's saying, do it, Adam, for Man vs. Food. Do it. This week on the series finale of Man vs. Food and also Adam. It's Adam's finale of the series of his life. And today, food won. Let's go to the money's up. And everybody's part of Hulu.com.

Hulu.com is a staple. It's probably everybody's homepage at this point. Yeah. But Hulu Plus is beyond that. It's beyond Hulu.com. If there was something better, if it was Hulu 2, the sequel to Hulu.com, Hulu.com, it would be Hulu Plus. You can watch thousands of shows all from your living room with or on your smartphone

or your tablet. They got movies too. And there's like tons of shows like SNL. Jimmy Kimmel Live, Shark Tank. Man, I love Shark Tank. Yeah. If you guys have a, do you guys love Shark Tank? I know we talk about it sometimes, but I love Shark Tank.

I like watching snake oil salesmen just get like fucking spooned. Man. Oh, man. Mark Cuban really took down that guy that was selling a diet pill. Yeah. Oof. Oof. They've also got Lost Law and Order, SVU, Dr. Who Community.

There's so many things. And there's like new shows that they've made. There's original shows. There's original shows that you can't watch anywhere else. Like The Wrong Man's and Behind the Mask, which is a documentary series about mascots. Super fascinating. It's $8 a month, but you know you're not going to pay that here. This is my brother and my brother and me.

For those first two weeks, you're not going to pay eight bucks. You're not going to pay seven. And you're not even going to pay six, like you may all be thinking. But they're also not going to pay you money. It just balances out in the middle. Okay. Listen, we're going to be straight up with you. There's a lot of numbers you're not going to pay.

There's like, there's so many numbers and you're not going to pay you. 750? No. 751? No. 749? No. Stop wasting our time.

Guys, when I'm prepared to offer you, I'm a representative of Hulu.com. I'm prepared to offer you if it's acceptable for those first two weeks, the price of $2 for the first two weeks. What do you think? Audience, how's that sound? $2 a week? That's not good enough. Okay.

Gosh, I don't know. I'm going to get in trouble with this thing back at the home office. Can you just say the price of the thing? We've just been doing this for so just free. Can we also get some like rope and maybe some kind of like knife and sharpening device? Yes. I'll give you a knife sharpener and the car wax and huluplus.com for the first two weeks for free. Just go to huluplus.com slash my brother and get that free trial.

I guess a little editor's note, they won't give you rope and car wax. Probably not. Well, I mean ask. Trous, were you trying to think of like one of the add-on gadgets that they'd give away on amazing discoveries and you came up with rope? There was always rope. It was always like I won't throw in this like clothesline. I shit you not.

I'm not, it was like everything. And we're doing this rope more. Well, obviously more. Going on way too long in that huluplus ad sure made me hungry. Does anybody have any solutions for that? You gonna eat something? Can I recommend a nine foot hot dog? Okay, I don't need all those, all that stuff in there.

All the like CVC and DMT and PVP and DMX. JTT. I don't need to eat a hot dog made of Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Thank you for offering Jonathan a hot dog made from your body. You are the giving tree of humans, but I am not interested. What I am interested in is that nature box. Listen, Jesse, you said you're going to lose weight this new year. Let me tell you straight up, you've been doing a pretty shitty job of it so far.

Okay. I don't care if you have actually lost weight, you can do it better by eating healthier food. So instead of going on that vending machine, pressing that J5 to get like a pack of Starburst and that's lunch, no. You can snack smarter with nature box. It's a box that gets delivered to you filled with great tasting and healthy snacks. Is it right to your door? So when you say healthy snacks, you mean like that, like a celery wrapped in carrots?

No, yes. It's exactly why. It's a celery wearing a carrot bow tie. No, how about French toast granola? Yum. How about a salted caramel pretzel pop? Every word that I just said in those four words, salted. Yes, caramel, pretzel, sure, pops.

My favorite food delivery form. Dark cocoa almonds, whatever. They have them and they will fill you up in your guts and they will leave you satisfied and healthy. They probably really screw you on the shipping though, right? Oh, God, Travis. Did you read the fucking talking point? I can't read. It's free shipping because you know why nature's free shipping.

If acorn falls out of a tree, the tree's not like that'll be 199 for express post. It's 50% off right now. That's the best part. You use the coupon code mybrother. That's naturebox.com promo code mybrother. Go snack smarter in 20 forward. Get a handle on your hunger and your health. One more time, naturebox.com promo code mybrother.

Real quick, I want you guys to visit, this is a website, so get your typing fingers ready, notarealjob.com or notarealjob.com slash iTunes. If you want to subscribe via iTunes, it's a marketing podcast. It's better than all the other shitty marketing podcasts out there because it's actually fun and funny and useful. The hosts who they have noted are huge Bibbam fans are Chris Van Patten and Joel Kelly, and they answer questions and just add advice. Watch it guys about digital marketing and small businesses and writing and productivity

and all kinds of good stuff about running a biz. It's funny. It's insightful. Not a real job is your new favorite marketing podcast. So if you're like, how do I sell myself? How do I get out there? How do I turn my body into hot dogs? I improved my brand.

You can go to notarealjob.com slash iTunes and subscribe. I'm Barbara Gray and I'm weird for beers. I'm Tess Barker and I have good tastes and bad ideas. I'm Brandy Posey and I've been dead the whole time. We're Lady the Lady, a new podcast on Maximum Fun. It's the three of us girls, a fourth girl that we invite to come hang out with us, and sometimes characters to drop in. We're weird, we're fun, we're here, we're queer.

We like beer. You can find us on iTunes or MaximumFun.org. See you soon. And this next message is for Brent. I'm going to go with Tiggalawr here. Tiggalawr. Tiggalawr. And it's from Allison.

And Allison says, happy 30th birthday, sweet cans. Love you more than pickles. Love you more than pickles. Love you more than pickles. Love you more than pickles. Love you more than pickles. Love you more than pickles. Love you more than pickles.

Love you more than pickles. Which is pretty huge. I mean, if Allison likes pickles, if Allison does not like pickles, this is in no way flattering. I'm just not okay with her sort of objectifying his body. He's into canning. Maybe that's it. He cans a lot of his own fruits.

He makes sweet cans. Cans are like breasts, right? No, it's buttocks. It's buttocks. Is it? I thought so. See, that's the thing. I think it's like a blanket term that can be anything that you find good.

Sweet can. The only cans is like your individual butt cheeks. The only way Gryffin would be comfortable with objectifying Brent is if the object he's turning him into is a hot dog. Right. He seems very big on that right. And if the person is specifically Jonathan Taylor Thomas, whose waxy skin is really capable of casing in those meats

and like really keeping them there. Nine feet long, you got to worry about like structural issues. JTT's tallowy, tallowy, stretchy skin. We'll just wrap right around there. And that is a crispy bite. So happy birthday, Brent. It's all downhill. I mean, it's it's not bad skin.

It's just like I recently got married. It's a solid skin, you know what I mean? He's a very shiny individual. I recently got married. And I hope that the two newlywed macaroys and one veteran can help me out. I am having trouble getting used to my wedding ring. It starts off fine.

But after 15 minutes, it drives me crazy. I've never worn rings or watches before. This is a new thing for me. Please, how do I get used to this permanent addition to my hand? That's from David. David, here's a here's a story. I was when I used to be just like you. I would take off my ring to sleep because it drove me crazy.

I would take off the ring to shower because I don't know. It seemed like the thing to do. And when I take off my ring to cruise chicks, definitely take off my ring to cruise babes. I left my ring on the toilet. And this is when I was on my honeymoon. I left my ring on the toilet. And then my wife and I were walking around London.

She said, do you feel like you've forgotten anything? And I said, no. And then she had my wedding ring. And I thought, well, I cannot be trusted to take this thing off. So I'm just going to have to lump it. And I don't know how long it took just a few weeks. But it feels pretty natural now. I'm pretty much used to it.

Did you take your ring off to sleep in case you had a dream fantasy where you had sex with the cartoon MC SCAT cat? And it'd be adultery otherwise? So you sort of take the ring off for protection? I'm just a tremendous honey that needs specific sleep conditions that even the slightest temperature variation wins. It was the proverbial pee under your mattress. Yeah, you're not that far off.

But anyway, now I never take it off and I'm completely used to it. I have to take off my wedding ring when I work for the horrifying phenomenon known as gloving that can happen when working with machinery and construction where something catches your ring and then tears the skin off of your finger in one whole piece like a glove. Danny Glover comes in and bites your finger off. If you're working around large pieces of machinery because he is very scared of those. For me, it gets in the way of my gaming time

because I need to be pretty dexterous with these digits. If I'm playing in the competitive Starcraft circuit, my APM, that's actions per minute, really do diminish if I have this big clunky. It's basically a handcuff for your finger. And I just find it really hard to stay at the top of the ladder. Are you guys used to wearing rings by now? Travis, you've worn rings, I think from time to time before, but Griffin, are you pretty comfortable with it?

One time I bought a ring that was just like a little tribal fire thing. I did buy that at Hot Topic and I wore that, I think actually on my wedding ring finger. So that actually sort of eased me into this process. I don't think I ever bought anything at Hot Topic I'm proud of now. You seem pretty proud of it in that story. Yeah, it seemed like from it at all. I bought a sweet tribal fire ring that I wore.

I know you're wondering, Griffin, did you wear this at the same time as the goggles that you also bought from Hot Topic? And the answer to this is yes. Yes, because there's no such thing as too much look. Don't let the fashion police convince you there's such a thing as too much look. That's a lie. I probably would be more used to wearing my wedding ring if I would remember to put it back on,

because I have to take it off when I go on stage for Hamlet because my character is not married. And at this point I have three wedding rings because I am prone to losing things, so I have three separate ones. And I have left all of them at the theater. Perfect. Yeah, so I'm really nailing it on this whole ring game, you know what I mean? So, so far to sum up our advice from Justin, like it or lump it,

from Griffin, go back in time, buy a ring at Hot Topic and wear it, from Travis, screw it. Just as long as no one notices. Yeah. Can you wear all three rings, Travis? What? Just turn your finger in like a big roll of lifesavers? You could, what if, oh, what if you just tattooed a ring on your finger?

I love that. No, I'm sure there are people that do that. Isn't it weird how if you wear one ring, it salts your game, but if you wear many rings, your mystery and the pickup artist, and your great, your game is great again. Are you, are you suggesting that mystery has great game? What I'm saying, what game is he good at? I'll tell you what game he's bad at, StarCraft.

You really need to, you really need to have light hands. I just moved out two months ago with a new roommate, friend of mine, not a stranger, and things are going great. He's a tidy dude who spends a lot of nights on the, in the, out of the apartment, sorry, but when we do cross paths or interactions are totally pleasant. A few months before we moved in together, I started dating someone and things have rapidly gotten serious between us. Although I think it's a big step to take after four months,

we would like to be living together. The question is, would I be a jerk if I moved out right now after a roommate and I basically finished unpacking, or is there a certain amount of time I should wait before I bail? We have a one-year lease, but I don't think it'll be hard to find someone to take it over. What is the best way to bring up that I suddenly want to move out so he doesn't take on a flake forever? That's from a mover, not a shaker.

You've already answered your question in the appropriate amount of time to wait, is one year, so the lease is over. I feel like it's fine if you, if I feel like you have to tell your friend that like, hey, I'm about to do something rash, but it's not going to be so rash that I'm not going to give you time to handle it. Can you try to find another roommate? Listen, I'm a fuck, I'm a fuck you. That's just how it, like, that's just how it is.

I'm a fuck you right now. I'm a fuck, I'm a fuck you right now. But, I can fuck you less. You can lighten the load. You can lessen the burden. You tell me if I'm being a butthole. Okay. I think probably.

Yes, you are. Okay, great. I complete, listen, Teresa and I moved in together after four months because both of our leases were ending and it was either that or like get two, you know, separate apartments and spend the whole time in each other's houses. So I don't know that it's necessarily about the time so much as it is the inconvenience to me of like, I completely get wanting to, but there's no impetus to do it that quickly. So why not plan on doing that and then do it when your lease is up?

That sounds like, to me, that makes perfect sense. How is that even butthole-y at all? Yeah, that's the thing is like, you want to do it. Great. So plan on doing it and then do it when your lease is up. Like, if you feel that you have to rush it so fast, that's, you know, there's no need to rush it. If it's true love and it means something, then wait. You're also rushing a great part of the, the dating process.

I mean, the terrifying indecision where you think you want to move in with a person, but you think about like, the first time you walk in on them pooping and what that is going to do to your whole dynamic. Theresa and I have lived together for four and a half years now and we're married and that still has not happened because we are very careful. Yeah. Oh my god. There's a whole airlock system.

We have a- You move through the rooms and you call out from room to room on 10 feet away or five feet away. We have a system of bells. It's basically a handbell like you would use in a handbell choir and while you're pooping, you have to constantly be ringing it. My wife has never done that. So I don't know. It's not a problem for us.

That is true. That is a weird medical condition that Sydney has, which she does not number two. She has run me up frequently. I mean, you really, if you look at all the facts, this isn't like you can't be with this person. No. Like if this was a grand act of romance where you had to break your lease to follow a person across the country, I think it would be rash but necessary. Right now what you're doing is just, it's rash and it could be hurtful and it would be

really hard to walk back if it doesn't pan out. After like another eight months, assuming you started dated when your lease began, it's kind of hard to figure that out. I mean, I think you're in a good situation like run with it. You need to appreciate this unicorn that you've ensnared in the form of a roommate that is not just an absolute shithead. Also scientifically speaking, or rather statistically speaking, by month six of living with this roommate, it is undeniable that you would do anything to

fuck them. Like you, you things are going good now. I'm really happy to hear it. You will hate this person. Oh, okay. So when you said, when you said fucked then. No, I mean, you will hate this person in two months guaranteed. No question about it.

No one has ever lived with someone that they weren't like dating or married to that has not wanted the other person to, to in some small way die. So if you just wait, then you're going to be able to move out and feel great about it. But right now you're going to carry a lot of guilt. You got, you have to let this thing run. It's terrible, terrible course. And let me throw this out. Your boyfriend's probably going to be over at your place most nights anyways.

You know, it's not like you're not going to see each other. So I would say just after a while, maybe after like six or eight months, you're not going to notice the difference anyways. And then your lease ends and you guys are going to move in together. Eight months is going to pass really quickly. Yeah. And then eight years and then 80 years. And then that was, that was your life.

There is no reason to rush this relationship. No, there is a reason to rush into this next Yahoo. This Yahoo was sent in by God to catch them all. Okay, mom. Thank you. It's by Yahoo Answers user Janine who asks, will I get arrested for an internet fight here? Moments ago I got into an internet fight with someone.

I'm seriously trying to apologize to this person because I seriously don't know what came over me. Will I get arrested for the fight? Because to be honest with you, I'm afraid like really I'm seriously crying my eyes out. That's how afraid and sorry I am. What did you do? What did you do on the internet? What could you possibly have done that you're like, oh no, I took this too far? Not again.

This is afraid too far. I'm going to have to change my internet name. I don't even think, you know, like physically harm somebody, but sometimes emotional harm. This is, this is what's so fucked up about our legal system, right? If Travis and I are at Cheddar's and I punched Travis in the jaw, then that's assault, right? Or battery, or both.

And he can file charges and I can go to prison for that. Correct. And I would. And he would do that. And he has. And he has done that. That's why I'm- There's ads in the past.

I'm not allowed to- Why are you dressing this up? I'm not allowed in any Cheddar's anymore for this exact reason. I'm actually legally only allowed to be in Cheddar's. I'm recording from a Cheddar's right now. It's the only place I'm safe for- Travis is in Cheddar's house or his. This is the only place he's safe from my wrath.

And Travis leaves the Chetters. I have an alert. He's wearing a reverse ankle bracelet that will tell me when he's left the Chetters. I will come down on him like a fucking albatross. Travis- Luckily, there's a set of tubes, underground tubes, that connect all the Chetters in America

so that I'm able to travel from place- It's the- It's the underground Cheddar's railroad. It's the only thing keeping me safe. Travis is still working out a plan to get Griffin to punch him at a cinema so he can see 12 Years of Slay. Right.

Okay, so back to the story. I punched Travis in the jaw to Chetters and I went to prison for that. If I say- But if I tell Travis like, Hey, you're looking a little doughy. Then I have done an emotional harm to Travis that I think rivals the jaw punch that I did to him.

Although I did punch- Well, what are your jaw punches, certainly? So, but you can't- I can't go to jail for that, can I? It's a salt of a different kind. I hurt him in his- Not in his jaw, but in his heart. Like, I think that that should-

That's probably a prisonable offense. So, your argument is that we should begin arresting people for saying hurtful things. Right, and because you can't punch someone through the internet, but you can tell someone they're looking a little Marlon Brando later years, doughy, then you should go to jail for that. Does that make sense?

Am I making any sense right now? No, I completely understand what you're saying. But it would have to be like a separate prison because you don't want to be the guy who rolls up to prison on the first day and somebody's like, Yeah, I stabbed three dudes when I was robbing a store. What did you do? I told somebody that they were looking really tired

and had crows feet. Yeah. You know, stabbing three dudes while robbing a store really is the perfect crime. You really got like- How did that guy get busted? In the crimes per minute ratio? Like, you did actually pretty great there.

Yeah, I stabbed three dudes while I was robbing a liquor store, and then I turned to the proprietor of the liquor store and I said, hey, fat ass. Bye. So, yeah, I'm here for- And because you call them fat, you got arrested. I got 15 years for the stabbings, another eight for the robbery, and then I got 35 years for saying it was fat.

We really need to take a look at this system. What really- The bad thing about this system is that, you know, it's going to be a light sentence. It's going to be a slap on the wrist, right? So the person goes in, they serve their time, but then they're allowed to call you fat whenever they want to, double jeopardy.

You didn't even consider that. I would like to see those scared straight meetings, though. You think it's fun to tell your friend that his hair looks bad today? I told my friend that once. Now I don't have hair, because the barbers are really bad in prison. You guys think you're tough, you're just a bunch of pussies. Oh, wait, shit.

That's another six months. Well, son of a bitch. I'm so stupid. No, wait, fuck. Shit, god, damn it. Listen, this has been a lot of fun, but- I have talked all I'm willing to. I have helped all the people that I physically can today.

I've grown weary. I've entered, by the way, as I age. I've entered now my James Brown phase, where after all the advice, I'm physically and spiritually exhausted and I need someone to come put a cape on me so I can make my way off stage. Thank you to everybody tweeting about the show,

like Tiffany N, Mike Ditchburn, Lee Captain Spiffy, Sam Houston, aka Schmeards, recovering Ninja Cat, Eli Wagner, Jared Swiker, Tyler Matheson, Matt Milko, Fred Trunks, Justin Schmoreman, Skull Butts, so many others. A big, big thank you to Tyler Crowley, who, excitingly, while we're recording this episode,

just released a new episode of his Mabim Baminations. Oh, man, sweet. I know. Animated bits from my brother and my brother and me, and you can find his Twitter at agent O'Hara. And they used to make a knot. She made my brother and my brother and me cat, us as cats, Jeff.

We tweeted it a day or two ago. It's both masterizing and adorable. And my favorite thing about it is that my cat has little cat genitals. You can also find, by the way, if that cartoon is on YouTube, just search for Crotunes, C-R-O-W-Tunes. There are lots of other programs you can listen to on the Maximum Fun Network, which we are a proud member of,

like Jordan Jesse goes, stop podcasting yourself, Judge Sean Hodgman, many, many others. Oh, no, Ross and Carrie. Again, just want to thank Nature Box. Go to Nature Box. You can order some great tasting, super healthy snacks. You can smack Smack Smarter. Smack People, Smarter and Harder in the new year.

Give 50% off your first order. Just use the promo code, my brother. Thanks to John Roger, who's been a long winner for the Easter theme song. It's departure off the album, putting the days to bed. That's the music we use. You can find it on iTunes. You can find it on other services like iTunes, probably.

And that's going to do it for us? Oh, and we're going to have a special guest in the next, like, week or two on the show. We're going to have a, I'm calling it a guest spurt, but I think that... I like that. I mean, it's not, like, phonetically perfect. No, it's not pleasing in any way, phonetically, but I like it.

And this guest spurt is coming on to talk... If you have any advice on... On me advice. Gays or lesbians in the media. That is what they are a guest spurt on. So if you have any advice related questions, or just, you know, any kind of questions, really, let's... I don't want to fence you in.

Try to include guest spurt in your subject line, just so we can see how you thought to spell it, because I'm kind of curious. I am also curious about that. All right. Final Yahoo, you ready? Yeah. Final Yahoo.

I'm ready. Was sent in by Zach Saldivar. I think Zach. It's by Yahoo. He's your abby who asks, Is it weird? I'm really attracted to Don Henley from the Eagles. I'm Justin McElroy.

I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been My Brother and My Brother Me. Kiss your dad. School air on the lips. Hey, guys, this is Kimberly Clark, and you need to just calm your little self down and get under the goose down with me and Jasper Red. You can catch us on Maximumfund.org, or you can hear us on iTunes.

And no farting under the covers either.