My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 187: Yu-Gi-Oh Barber Shop

Episode Date: February 10, 2014

This week, the brothers welcome their very first guestspert to the program: Cameron Esposito, who increases the show's normal amount of Macklemore-based discussion by roughly 900 percent. Suggested talking points: Cool Runnings 2: The Bone Slide, Noodlecrying, Teen Gifts, 1/4 Centaur, Face Off 2, Apologist Protest Songs, Big Loafer

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, I'm John Williams and welcome to the Olympics. Recognize that one? That's the little thing I came up with called the Olympics. That's the John Williams joint. We're coming to you guys, coming to you guys live from Sochi and oh my, the sidewalk outside my hotel has cracks in it.

It's so cold here in Russia because I didn't know it'd be cold in the winter. I'm so fucking over it. You get to travel to all these exquisite places. Exquisite, I meant to say exotic, but it's an exquisite place too. There is nothing going wrong in Russia right now. You are lucky to be there. This podcast, by the way, is brought to you by the Russian Olympic Committee. Go check it out. It's great. Everyone's welcome. The best Olympics since ever. Since ever, basically. You're welcome, the world. Sincerely, Russia. Russia has a lot of great features that I think journalists are missing when they're complaining about hotel rooms. Here's what they're missing out. Lots of affordable real estate. Oh man, you just,

you know what? I've been working with the tourism committee. Our new slogan is room to stretch out. Room to create your own smaller country inside our country. That no one else will notice. No, no one would know for years. That's how Japan got started. I don't know, guys. Obviously, Russia's done some pretty shady shit, Putin. I guess I'm not a huge fan of Putin, all things told. Whoa. Oh, I get it, Travis. I don't like to, yeah, god damn it. I'm trying to fucking elevate the level of discourse in this show. Great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great. Putin in that, Putin in that. I just feel like in the opening ceremony, there was like this big elaborate thing where they had these five snowflakes and then they

expanded to make the five Olympic rings. Only one of them didn't deploy and everyone was like, nice try, Russia. Like, guys, it was a, it was one fucking thing. Can you cut them a little bit of slack? Like, shit's not great there. Yeah, they don't have like, do you know that to, to make this, do you know how many people they've had to exploit? How many of their humans that they've had to grind down into the Dornov Medal? Those are people, okay? Those are people. They take the fillings from old women and they pop them out and they turn them into gold-plated Dornovs for you, sons of bitches. And you're complaining because the water isn't perfectly clear. I'm sorry. I'm an old Russian grandma here. Take the rest of my teeth, my gold teeth.

They've juiced the citizens to fill, to fill, ice the luge. They needed luge lube and so they just, you're saying blood. They reduced their citizens in a hot pan. Nobody can believe Jamaica. Ah, I hit some gristle. Oh, no. Full runnings. Full runnings too. The bone slide. You know they're back. I know they are. Well, I mean, not those, not those, the actors who play. Not Dougie Doug. Wait, no. How can they race again when the sled broke at the end? Well, they didn't die, Travis. They can buy new fucking sleds. That was the whole thing. They didn't die. They got up and they carried their shit. Oh, I just turned it off as soon as the sled broke and I went, yeah, I get it. You saw the one rail start to wobble and you're like, oh, these guys are dead. Close, exit, stop.

Eject the DVD. I don't have time for losers. I'm so excited. We got Olympic fever. We can't wait for the games to start in earnest. I enjoyed last night's opening ceremonies because they featured tattoo, tattoo apparently, and this is, I'm not joking about this, tattoo is apparently the only recognizable Russian musical export of the modern era, basically. Russia has had one hit and it's tattoo. That can't possibly be right. There's no way that that. Quickly, name me your other favorite Russian cultural export and wait. Yakov Smirnoff. Yakov Smirnoff doesn't count. Some 41. Blink 182. Lit. The band Lit. Lit, the band. Who are those dudes that did EVE 6? He schools you on that one, Justin.

That entire genre was birthed in the motherland. I see that, that wall fell. Boom. It was like bubblegum punk. Wall flowers, Goo Goo dolls. I don't think any of this is accurate. Matchbox 20. Matchbox, nah. Yes, yes. Matchbox 20. I'll count it. I have a problem when I got to eat with other people. Once our food comes out, I always eat it too fast. I don't think I'm wolfing down my food, but I'm consistently finished 10 minutes before anyone else in my group. It doesn't seem to bother my girlfriend. We always make jokes when we're out and notice it. However, when I'm out with less intimate friends, particularly professional business contacts, I feel rude finishing well ahead of them. Should I, am I unwittingly putting my dining

partners on a kind of mild blast by eating faster than them? If so, how can I slow my rollout restaurants and match the pace of my group? That's from fastfinisher and Fairfax. Guys, we've been doing this for a long time. You gotta throw us some harder questions that cannot be answered with eat slower. Like, we're professionals here. This is, this is a, you can answer this question with two, maybe two and a half brothers. Here, but let me throw this out because I've been in the, I am also a fast eater. The problem is, I might, I might suggest the fastest eater. Well, I have been described as looking like I'm afraid someone's going to take my food bowl away, but, but the problem is, is that sometimes you're going and you think you're pacing yourself,

you think you're going slow and you look up and like they haven't even started. Yeah. And like, damn it. So what I do is I wait 10 minutes, let everyone else start eating. And then I make You can start in fairness's sake. Yeah. All right. I'm going to spot you fools. 10 minutes. You guys go ahead. No, no, no. It's fine. I'll catch up. Yeah. The freight trains are coming. You know, it might be fun, a fun little exercise. Whenever you're out, and this would be really great for like a business associate, would be to mirror them perfectly while you're eating. So every time they take a bite, you take an equally sized bite at literally the exact same time to the same exact amount of chews and just keep your eyes fucking locked on them.

Just keep it locked. It'll be like one of those theater exercises, like when you're mirroring each other. Or what you can do is you get like a big plastic ball and you put it on your plate and you have to push it around to get to the food so you don't eat so fast. That's what you do with dogs who gulp their food down. And I think it works for human beings too. In a professional setting, you're at a big business eating it. It's like a plastic ball in your food. Yeah, you got to push it around to get to it so you can't eat it too fast. Makes it more of a challenge. You know, for some people, eating has become too easy and it's just easy to just like fly through it. So you need to just provide some challenge. What if you just dump like a sickening

amount of salt on your food to where every bite is like a painful trial? It's like a sycophie and tass just to choke it down. Would that help? Or order something you hate. Like if you actively know you hate pasta, just like I'll take the pasta dish. Your girlfriend's like what? But you don't like honey, I know. I can't control myself. I hate pasta. Who hates pasta? I do. Pasta is such a, it's like saying I hate bread. Like there's all kinds of different bread. I do hate spaghetti. I mean, I don't actively hate spaghetti, but it's not my favorite. Do you barf it up once? I hate several times. I remember that. I remember that night at the lake house cabin. That was a bad night. It's just such a cheap food in college that you're like we're going to eat some spaghetti

and then party. And it can go out, it can go out wrong holes. It actually prefers to go out wrong holes. Give me through your dear nuts. Shootin' spaghetti at your dears. Like one of those Play-Doh like hair maker things and it just pushes out your hair. He partied so hard he noodle cried. It was brutal, man. Can you just order more food? Get two dinners. That's what I do. Get two dinners. Okay, hold on. Sorry. Scratch that, strike it from the record because if it's something Travis does, vis-a-vis the consumption of food, then maybe- Can't decide between the steak dish or the chicken dish? Do not worry, my friend. I've got a solution for you. Is yes an option. How about this? Get work-intensive food. Like crab claws. How about that? That'll take you a while to get through.

Let me throw this out though. If you're trying to be a professional in a professional setting and you can't control yourself enough to slow down your eating, maybe something that you have to like suck and chew on is not the most attractive. Well, you don't mean that. More. How is your crab cracking game if you're just like going at it like a fucking- Our dad, Clint McElroy, you may know him from the radio, he would, when we were on vacation in any sort of coastal region, he would always look forward to the night where he would eat at an all-you-can-eat crab place and it would- And the all-you-can-eat crab place would not look forward to- He would not add his picture up. And we would like literally finish our dinners and then go

shopping and come back for that later. And they have to store up for the winter months. But I think the terrible truth about it is that with eating crab claws, you are literally expending as much energy to open them as you're being provided by your body. It's just an endless cycle. There's no getting full because you're just like burning it as it comes in. Unless you do it in the Clint McElroy, he was very like chimpanzee-esque in his ways. He would stick twigs and sticks in. No, he would just like jam a finger into the belly of its tummy chitin and then just like put his mouth on that hole and then just like all of the meat from inside the crab would just like shoot into his gullet. He's got- He has a very particular set of skills. You guys want a yahoo?

Please. Uh, let's- I mean let's just start off with a horse question because it's like what people- what people want, you know. This is our wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. So people came to hear. This one was sent in by Joseph Hoglid. Thank you, Joseph. It's by Yahoo Answers. User Gabby, who asks, I need to steal a horse slash horse gear. I'm not looking for answers saying, oh, don't do it. It's the wrong thing to do. I just want ideas on how to do it. Okay, so the paddock, it is in half wire fencing and the stable which has tack in it is right next to the stable. Wow, Jesus. Uh, this is of course from the rear of their property. Okay, so how do I tell if they're home? Like in their house? What should I wear to steal? Thanks. This is easy.

Have we done horse thievery before? I think we've talked about how difficult it is to steal a horse but we've never like devised a fucking Danny Ocean plan. I question one thing about this question. Uh-huh. Uh, that is this person is in the market to steal a horse or a horse gear. It seems like- I think maybe- I assumed it was an and. Yeah. Oh, okay. All right. That's not like, I either need a horse or just, I don't know, like a saddle I can put on a fence and my own imagination. I mean, as we covered in the last episode, the fucking recurring expenses, the upkeep of a goddamn horse will put you out of house and home. It would be much, much, much less expensive to just have a saddle because you don't have to feed that shit. You can just like keep it

in your room, look at it, sit on it, sit on a desk chair and make believe because. I think all you need to steal a horse is a really big trench coat. And you put that on a horse? Well, I mean, I figured you- There you go. Put the trench coat on you. You're a centaur. You're just a centaur, basically. Oh, hello. Oh, you've caught me touring your grounds. I hope you don't mind. I'm looking for- I'm looking for a summer home. I'm looking for a sweet filly to call my mate. Please try to ignore the horse face coming out of my stomach. It's a bird. I'm having that removed later. I'm having it removed. You may be wondering what happens when a full-blown centaur makes love to a filly. Well, I'll tell you, one quarter human, three quarters horse, and you'll never guess which

quarter it gets. One quarter human, three quarters horse, and 100% pleasure. The human bite is what a quarter centaur does. Just the butt? It's a horse of the human butt. Right. It is a lot of stuff. That's a horse of a horrifyingly different color. Damn, I love them apple bottom jeans. Stealing a horse slash horse gear. How do we tell if they're home? First, you put- Well, how do you tell if the horse is home? They don't have a busy life. They're usually there. I guess he's either out jumping or looking for oats. He's got bowling on Wednesdays, but other than that, it's pretty wide open. He's going to join a football team with Tony Danza and lead the team to the game. But that's not till the spring. That's not until 1998. When did that movie come out?

I actually- Horse planters. I conflated a few movies there. I conflated horses with the movie where Tony Danza was a garbage man that kicked field goals for the Philadelphia Eagles. Let me show you how to kick a football Tony Danza. Yay. God, if that movie had him being trained by a horse. Why is Tony Danza punting the ball with the back of his foot backwards? Why is Tony Danza on television? Why am I watching this movie? Oh, because I'm super high. Thanks, Tony. That's right. I remember now. Thanks, Tony D. If those dogs from the incredible journey could get back, don't you think this horse is going to escape at first opportunity and run back to their owners? That bond is unbreakable.

You can't drive to a different geographical location. What I'm saying is that if you're going to steal a horse from somebody, it better be glue day one. You better turn it into glue immediately. Otherwise, it's going to run back to its owner. Then why not just steal some glue? It seems significantly easier. It does. Yeah, you think that, but I mean, think about your ROI, Travis. You never think about your ROI. You would have to steal a shit ton of glue. Yeah, I mean- And that glue, it's going to be- Well, you just need a big trench coat. Hey guys, listen, a friend of mine is having a baby shower to celebrate them adopting a teenager. Obviously the traditional diapers and onesies won't work, so I don't know what to get.

What kind of present would you get for a baby shower for a teenage boy? That's from Gmail. Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Next question. Love that shit, right? Why are you assuming he's not an adult teen baby? He might be. Christ, I had literally just gotten to a point in my life where I'd forgotten that terminology. Please find out, do me a favor, maybe the thing with- Okay, the thing with baby gifts is that the reason people like to do baby showers and people have them and can have them, like can literally have them is that babies aren't people in the traditional sense in that you could just buy them anything that fits their body and you're like, hey, you like this now, baby. Handle it.

Handle this bib that has a dinosaur on it because now you like dinosaurs. I can make you like anything I want. Back when I was too young to protest, our parents put like sports balls around the border of my room. Like they painted them on there, like sports balls. Maybe this will take purchase in our baby's dumb brain. Yeah, no dice, guys. It doesn't work that way. Now there's a 13-year-old boy, maybe you could just get him like the things you would give for a human. Maybe get him like a gift card. Like find out what he likes and then- Okay, Justin, you're talking big game right now. What do teens like? This is a new fun game show that we play only on my brother and my brother movie. You know what they like? To be asked. Just ask them. This

is what I'm saying. Just ask them like a person. Like, what is this kid? What is this new kid? Like video games? Does he like sports? Does he like to read? I have a good one. Why don't you get him a gift card to like- Antean's pretzels. Can you just let me finish a sentence? It's just that everyone likes pretzels. Just one sentence. I just want to finish- They like the pretzel, maybe he's a big pretzel fan. Justin, I'm sorry. I know you were on to something good there, but I feel like Travis might be on to something better. Teens love pretzels. Teens love wrapped foods. They love camaraderie. It's just- It's a weird situation. You want to show this new teen out the gate that you are like fucking keyed in. You are cool Uncle Barry or Aunt Harriet and you want to just like

get him a gift and show that you fucking just preternaturally know what teens like. Because hey, I was a teen once. I shopped at Hot Topic. We were not teens like these teens were teens. We didn't have cell phones or internet. There's no connection. My Flappy Bird was Jesus Christ. What? You know Flappy Bird. The game Flappy Bird? The energy that teens are putting in that I put into Jesus Christ. A church camp and stuff. Maybe get my gift certificate through church camp. Or Flappy Bird. This is a real pickle, you're in. I'm going to stick with Yu-Gi-Oh cards and let's just go on to another question. Okay, let me ask you guys, when do you- Yu-Gi-Oh cards is an investment,

you know? It's like a fucking, you're buying that kid bonds. It's like a bond. You're basically buying those stocks and bonds. This is for your future. Don't look at it. I mean do look at it because I do need someone to play with. How about a Yahoo? Yeah, Yahoo would be great. Okay. This Yahoo was sent in by Kyle Forman. Thank you Kyle. It's by Yahoo Answers user Bialo who asks, how to shave mustache? 14 year old. I am beginning to notice that my mustache is starting to stand out more and I want to get rid of it. I have never done this in my life, so shaving would be new to me. I want my mustache completely gone. No mustache hairstyle please. All right, here's my mustache status. Color,

black, size, relatively small, health 100. Defense 62. What's your mustache's stamina? Yu-Gi-Oh summon points three. How do you shave? My mustache is low on mana. My brother has all these shaving cream and razor. I am going to borrow his. Please list the steps and tips on how to shave. Like should I stroke up or down or side or wet the mustache or shave it dry? Whoa buddy. Oh my god. All you need to know is do it with reckless abandon. Oh guys, I am experiencing like a little bit of almost like paternal pride because this question was asked five years ago. I'm just now realizing. So Bialo probably has his mustache shaving game on point or maybe he doesn't because nobody answered his question. But no one calls Bialo anymore.

They call him Scarface man. Scarface, but scar lip. Lipless Jim. Lipless Joe. Additional details. Edit. If I shave my mustache will it grow thicker? I don't like that. I won't cut it then. Oh man. You're going to commit to just having a weird wisp of hair above your lip for your entire life? Yeah, just one. You don't understand if I were to ever shave it, I would only become more powerful. If I strike it down. I don't think we've done shaving tips before. And I imagine we have some pretty hot ones. We all have different. See, I use the safety razor and do the wet shaving thing. I'm not sure that that's what I would recommend for a first time or it seems like a fairly advanced move.

Or for somebody who doesn't have like a half hour to kill every day. My trick, honest to God, I just do it in the shower and I do it as fast as I possibly fucking can. Eyes closed, just shaking in the corner. No, no, no. I get out of my ceremonial was aikishi and I just do a few quick slashes across my face and chest because that's important. You know what? Why not now at 14, start rolling up to the barber and getting that like hot lab and just like sit down in the chair and be like, take care of it, Steve. Go ahead, Ernie. Do your worst. Hey, it's my favorite customer, Ricky. Ricky, you're getting in your new Yu-Gi-Oh cards.

Oh, man. I mean, we're basically describing Rushmore at this point. Basically, yes. Yeah. I remember my first shave. Do you? And they kind of bumps me out that you don't have anybody in your life that can do this for you, Bialo. You have an older brother, Bialo. You say he's got all kinds of shit. Yeah. Why are you not getting it? What is it about your brother's shaving game that has made him an unreliable source at this point in your life? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not like that. He only does one half of his face at a time and I can imagine that's right. My brother has shaved a reverse Fu Manchu on his face.

He starts at the back of his head and works forward and I don't know much, but he's using acid. Is that right? Is that good? You can always bleach it. So it's just... Bleach it, sure. Yeah, that's a great look. Especially if it grows in, you know, full and silky. And then you have dark black hair, but then like a bleach blonde mustache. That's actually a really great and bold look. I'm just saying that we're living in a time in which mustaches are coming back into vogue and Bialo, I say you rock and lead. I don't think for 14 year olds it is in vogue. I think you... If he starts now, he can be Sam Elliott in like 20 years.

You're saying you got it. Okay, but what's start? Like starts what? We also don't know. We don't know what this guy's voice sounds like. So what if in 20 years? Fuck it. What if in three years he has a full-blown Sam Elliott stash, but he's like, hey guys, what's up? It's me, Bialo, your buddy. Yeah, check out my sweet... Legends are made in the Wild West. They're not born. You can't just become a legend. You are... You legally... Let me tell you about Ghost Rider. Okay, don't start shaving, but do start eating cigars. If you have that kind of voice mustache combo, you basically legally have to be obsessed with

balloons and bubbles. I love them. I love my bounty friends. It upsets people how into balloons I am. And also I have this crazy mustache. Let me walk you through the Romans road. Guys, Jesus' love is just as hip now as it was. The red bead represents his blood. The black balloon represents your sin. We've all got that right. Maybe you were a little short with your younger brother when he wanted to play with one of your toys or you looked at a magazine you weren't supposed to. Well, let's pop this black bubble. That's what the love of Jesus is going to do. Let's all bow our heads in prayer. While I brush my mustache tenderly. See, any kids have a mustache brush?

Biala is the weirdest 17-year-old. Let's get paid. Guys, Valentine's Day is... I'm talking to guys as in you too. This message is for both men and women. Anybody who has a special Valentine, they want to get something forward. By the time you're listening to this, you only have five days left till Valentine's Day. Sorry. Oops. Sorry. Sorry. You can do it. We did our best. We did our best. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Also, when I said five, I meant four. What's up? I forgot we were recording on Saturday. How's your week? Oh, you're obsessed with this now? Don't worry. We've got you. You're going to go to proflowers.com and you're going to get one

dozen long-stemmed... You don't see a lot of short-stem roses, do you? People don't just... Oh, boutonniers. ...boutonniers. Assorted roses with a premium vase and gourmet chocolate gourmet. Chocolates for $29.99 or double the roses. You want to really prove you love this person? Get them two dozen long-stem roses and the premium vase and the chocolate for $10 more. Can you imagine that? They sent us some flowers to let us check them out. I guess take them for a test drive and they are beautiful. I smell everyone. I'm reading this. I smell everyone. I taste them. Strong color, good finish. They weren't made of pipe cleaners. No, they were not fake at all.

But like $40 for two dozen long-stem roses that come in a vase and chocolates. You guys have to stop saying vase. You're killing me inside. Here's the jingle song that I wrote for proflowers. It's about how shitty my brothers are being to me right now. I'm pretty sure both are correct and I think in the UK they would say vase. It's very European. It delivers really quick and easy so it's not too late to get them in time for Valentine's Day. It's very convenient. The flowers are guaranteed the last seven days so they won't be like those fucking flowers that you buy at Sam's Club that are rotten and stinky by the time you get them home. Yeah and it's definitely going to come on Valentine's Day. Guaranteed.

So it's great. Here's what you're going to do. This is the only way to get the deal. You're going to go to proflowers.com and then you're going to wonder what letters are in that. Don't think about that. Just spell it with your heart. You're going to go to proflowers.com and there's like a blue microphone in the upper right hand corner and you're going to type my brother all one word proflowers.com. Click on the microphone. Type in my brother all one word. Do it today. The deal is only around while they have the supplies for it and Valentine's Day is Friday so like don't be an idiot. Just take care of it right now and then you'll be done and you can use that code and they're going to proflowers are going to think we're powerful. They'll keep

sending us flowers just because they'll be so you know proud of us for doing such a good job. And let me throw this out just real quick. Maybe you're one of those people that says then goes I don't want to celebrate Valentine's Day or I don't have a significant other at this point. You know why don't you send some to your parents or to a friend and just say like happy Valentine's Day. I love you. I like it. It's not a romantic thing. I'm just taking this opportunity to say you're great and I appreciate you. Just buy the flower so we look good. Could you do it for us? Really long story short. Just spend the fucking money. Please. Please. Please. Guys my brother my brother and me is supported by Squarespace the all-in-one platform that

makes it fast and easy to create your own professional website or online portfolio. It's a super easy to use set of tools that help you make a fucking sexy website for whatever you want. They don't here's the thing they give you the tools but then they're not like you have to make a fan site of the song Smooth by Carlos Santana. But you can if you want to. You can if you want to but they don't like put those restrictions on you. You can freestyle it. They have a support team that's available for 24-7. They have a brand new logo generator so you can design a logo for for your site maybe a favicon. And you can you can start a trial with no credit card and start building the website today. So go to squarespace.com you can use the

offer code mybrother all one word my brother to get 10% off your first purchase. So that's uh that's Squarespace. It's everything you need to to create an exceptional website. You make sure they fucking they advertise on the Super Bowl the same week they advertise on my brother my brother and me. It's basically the same thing. Kind of running the board right now aren't you Squarespace. You're kind of like in charge of shit right now. You have all your key demos covered. Sports those and non-sports those. Everyone in the world uses Squarespace now because they got everybody. I got a message for Emily from Artomar Bernard Trisket and Crang. Okay guys come on. I think these are animals. I think these are made up. I think Omar says I'm

a jerk bark bark bark. Bernard says ghost noises scamper scamper Trisket says is it cool if I be here? No? Cool I'm going to anyway. Art says Merry Christmas a month ago. Happy anniversary a few weeks ago and please remember to buy more chocolate milk. I think 2014 is the year we'll finally be happy. Whoa Art. A lot of stuff in that. Here's a fun game. Only one person in that collection is a human and you'll never guess which one. Spoiler it's Trisket. Trisket's name is Christian name. Yeah and he has he has bladder control problems and that's not Trisket's fault is it? Is it? He went to he went to Bonnaroo one year and he got chronic prostatitis and now he just goes. Now he just goes and goes and goes. So happy everything to Emily

and whichever one of you is a person. Thank you for purchasing it out on our program. Unless a dog purchased it in which case that would be pretty cool too. That would be really neat. Get that dog on Ellen now. Please. Any other messages Traff? This one is for Peter Bastion and it's from Krista Heiner and it says dear Pete it's me your loving girlfriend Krista. No not the loud mostly toothless cat that lives here. That's Tony. I'm your human roommate. Anyway happy birthday. I wish you an adventure filled year. Love Krista and Tony. PS this shout out was totally my idea. Tony just added his name at the last second because he forgot to get you a gift. Fucking classic Tony. Tony he's been freeloading off you got listen you guys need to sit Tony down

and have a very frank talk with him about his place in your life from now on. But the problem is Griffin like he's one of those friends it's like shitty shitty shitty but then like when you really need him it's like oh there he is with a six-pack because you had a bad day. Like hey thanks Tony that's cool. Oh wait no it's Tony they call him. Oh that's Tony six-pack god damn it Tony don't get my hopes up bringing in them high lives. Classic fucking classic fucking Tony. What up dope it's your boy Jasper red co-host of the goose damn along with Kimberly Clark and some of y'all might be asking yourself what the hell is the goose damn. It's a comforted food and we want y'all to climb underneath it with us and snuggle up so we can find your ears and things

so come check us out at maximafund.org also available on iTunes Jill. Our very first guest spurt uh in in a delightful portmanteau created by my youngest brother Griffin uh is Cameron Esposito who is uh an expert in many things she's the host of Wham Bam Pow on the Maximum Fund Network and also puts your hands together another podcast for you to enjoy welcome to my brother my brother me Cameron Esposito. Hi guys. Hi Cameron. What a genuine pleasure. Do you know I have two sisters do you know that about me? I didn't know that. A bunch of brothers. Did we sort of steal your game did we like were you like a day away from publishing my sister my sister and me and then we were like hold up let me chomp that real quick. Right first I was pissed when sister

sister came on the air because I was and then you were pissed when sister sister went off the air no too soon and then sister sister sister came on the air and you're like what are you doing at this point like what do you mean you should you should absolutely still do that and then we will come and we will take everything or joint podcast like the band you know the band the band and it could be my brother my brother my brother my sister my sister is that funny like just saying a bunch of words let's get all of our parents together yeah I mean that's that's gotta happen number one I'm I my parents are currently married but um you have a plan in mind if you needed to set it into action you know the right like words to like put that seed yeah you just say I'm gay and then

bam divorce and they're gone my parents speaking of being gay which you are you're an expert on gays and their portrayal in the media we have lots of questions about that and here is one right now sometimes rumors will come up about actresses or musicians that are private about their personal life and possibly being gay in circles I ran in at the very least the people discussing the matter are very supportive of whatever floats their particular boat but it still seems to me like they should mind their own business does this behavior cross a line or should I just untwist my panties please that's from clever name here please don't ever use that word again first oh boy yeah you want to talk about offensive is it worse if the panties

are twisted or untwisted justin puts justin puts some weird english on that particular ball that it makes it like just completely unpalatable Mike I sneak a you in there somewhere it's so disgusting um I have a actually a pretty strong reaction to this and it's not necessarily PC as it were um but uh I I think that people should be out I just think that people should be out especially if they are um I don't know what gay rumors really means in this particular things in this particular question it's the album rumors covered by a gay abba cover band wait abba no wait fleet with mac everyone start over start the podcast over start the podcast over episode one hi welcome my brother my brother and me we know who abba is we definitely know who fleet

when mac is it seems to me like the question asker is saying like if somebody said I heard Zachary quinto is gay and they're like oh what no way he's never said that before and be like I swear he is I heard it from such and such it's really funny that this person thinks that the actors I mean I wonder if this person is in the industry only because if not I love how what a sensitive soul that they are worried about these actors what if it gets back to quinto what if I'm ever in a picture with him it's like hey I heard you're talking shit what's your deal hey is this dandy listen it's uh john travolta johnny t listen I heard dan down at my cross was talking about whether I was gay or not I heard some pretty good goose you did about my masseuse guess what face off

two is canceled you were gonna be in it I was gonna take your face they will never know um I think that the reason the reason I think that I think that people that are involved in same sex relationships or that are having some sort of same sex sex need to say that they are because this needs to stop being a rumor I I hate that it's something that's still like for instance the word that people use in like in magazines and stuff when somebody comes out so often it'll say like such and thus finally admits that they're gay now the only yeah the only other things that we admit to doing are bad things it's like you admit to stealing from your mother you admit to that one time where you caught your sister's bangs too short when you're a child and you told your mom that actually your

sister caught her own bangs too short you know no one admits to being valedictorian so I I think that we just have to change this whole tone and um if you are at your house talking to your friends about whether or not any particular actor is gay I think number one that's totally okay I don't know what damages I could possibly do to them um these are actors they have like if that's who you're talking about if you're talking about successful successful musicians and actors these are not generally teenagers um although some of them are uh and they're not generally people that still live with their parents and rely on their parents for money and they're not generally people that are going to be like ostracized by a religious community like the the reason's not

to out people or if that person needs to be protected and like Queen Latifa doesn't need to be protected I think it can affect your jobs though that's why people still don't because it's like people worry well can everybody take uh Zachary Kinto seriously as a Vulcan that feels no emotions if he's a gay person is I I always feel like the only way you can pull it off is if you like the only reason that it would be acceptable is if you're keeping everything about your private life a secret like you show up to set you do your acting and then you just disappear your ghost so nobody knows anything so then it's not like you're trying to keep a secret it everything I am so glad that you said that that is like the that is so astute and I know that was like a little bit of a

joke but I don't know if you guys remember when Jodie Foster got out on stage at the Golden Globes and like came this close to saying that she was gay but instead it was just like as we all know I wear winky Birkenstocks or whatever you know somewhere in her freestyle jazz odyssey of a speech she sort of arranged all the first letters yeah but she named every other because she kept saying I like to keep my private life private but then she named she was like but my mother's middle name is this and I had this for breakfast here's my kids why don't you show their faces you know like I mean her private life is not private so it's it is hard when it's the only thing somebody wants to keep private I have another question yeah wait we can't address my concerns yes we're

addressing your concerns thank you it's Macklemore's same love offensive is it the thought that counts what about his Grammy performance how should I feel about this and this is from me Travis Mackaroy sitting over here what yes sometimes we all need advice and I don't know how to feel about this whole Macklemore issue I love how you say his name can you say that again Macklemore yeah no that was great how is this is supposed to be Macklemore I prefer to think of it as like Mack and then like the French word for love oh that is beautiful same Le more you know boys gentlemen that song makes me insane you guys just picked all the um I sound like a very negative person but I any song that is saying that it is in favor of you uh having rights that starts with

like a one-minute explanation of how when that person thought they might be like you they cried a lot it is really tough to get behind like okay I will believe that in that context it's pretty cut and dry think about other civil rights songs can I can I read the first line of the song because I I sort of got it I probably only heard this song once and um I'm more of a you know rhythm man I listen to the beats instead of the words so this is very striking to me when I was in the third grade I thought that I was gay because I could draw my uncle was and I kept my room straight that's sort of like kind of a crazy like series of evidences that she used to come to that conclusion I know you was eight years old and and maybe that was like enough for you back then but that's kind

of crazy and I think in third grade I thought that I was gay because I liked apples and I saved about about a dollar fifty from my allowance and I did my chores and people that are defending this song that's what they say too they're like oh he's talking about how absurd it is to think that you're gay but then the next line is like so right after I thought I was gay for all these reasons like you wouldn't believe how dehydrated I was from the amount of laying on the floor and crying I did like I was so sad and it's tough I mean if any if any of the great anti-war songs from the 1970s you know those songs are about like let's keep the peace here it's not like I thought maybe I was gonna get drafted and I was really sad about that but these other guys

got killed anyway let's take care of them you know like it's it's a really messed up way to start a I thought I thought I had a hammer also he references there's a line that says uh have you read the YouTube comments lately which I think should be a staple of all important uh social movement based songs well and when he did this performance at the Grammys CBS did not bleep the F word which I'm not even gonna say in your podcast because I don't say that word but it is uh it is a word that is that is slung at homosexuals and uh he said it on CBS no big deal they probably say it on like two broke girls every episode though so but if you think of the equivalent to that I mean nobody's allowed to say

the n-word in the middle of a Grammy performance where people are getting married around them right well that's a pretty specific set of circumstances you know what it made me really sad also is that the the refrain of this song is also sung by a lesbian and it's taken from a song that she Mary Lambert's like the song that this is taken from is really beautiful and kind of balanced it's a love song and in the way that it's dropped into here it's like that you know the lyrics are I can't change even if I wanted to even if I tried and I think that especially after like somebody saying like hey I thought I was gay I cried and then like you the lesbian being like trust me if I could not be gay I would

now see okay so because this actually ties into our last question here Macklemore I think uh you can obviously surprise surprising from someone that wears such large fur coats he was lacking in the tax department but uh I think his intention was probably came from a good place um our next question asker says how do we combat homophobia in online video gaming community communities it's and I would extend that to all online communities honestly because internet um and encourage LGBT representation in uh in video games and I and I think Macklemore's song was was probably trying to address this issue I can't believe he didn't fix with the pop song but but how can we how can we uh how can we make things better I mean number one I don't

play video games so are there gay characters sure yeah I mean not in like not in like call of duty I don't think like not in like the big well I mean those are all gay characters not I don't know it's funny when a gay person calls somebody gay as an insult isn't it um it seems to me like the only ones I can think of it's it's usually like a joke it's usually like hey here's a flamboyant no I wasn't like that and Greta thought oh four oh I'm sure there were all kinds but like I don't want to paint with a pretty broad brush like there absolutely are and it definitely is getting better is like more and more people make these games and like it becomes a more inclusive medium in in general um is this person talking about though like slurs that might be slung in online

video gaming communities well video game communities and video game fictional characters are two completely different ideas because like I don't know indie developers are making some pretty cool games that are sort of tackling these issues in a really uh responsible and even handed way let's limit the question maybe to just online communities that's better I like that is that good yeah like yeah homophobia in general like I don't know it's really weird for me when someone comes from that perspective because like I almost feel like you need like hours of time to like change their whole sort of like worldview if they don't see the immediate problem but do you know what's crazy about it to me is that it almost seems like it's a poor translation in that the

words that they're saying they don't mean them in that way they mean them in like the most base derogatory just as a set of derogatory words yeah no they're not using it they're not using it in a like a like a descriptive nature like they're not like saying it like this is what I think you are it's like an expletive for for those people so that's why I'm wondering if rather than try to fix them we just set up a different language of like a whole new set of words that doesn't offend anyone you're talking about like the Battlestar Galactica sort of yes exactly to understand your point Travis you definitely still want the malice behind these words to be there um okay Cameron Esposito solve homophobia

well the one thing that I uh this does relate to rep to Macklemore I'm gonna tie it all in a nice Macklemore bow on it I for one am pretty and it also it actually goes back to that first question that we talked about too you know I'm pretty I'm pretty done uh with hearing straight men specifically because it often comes from straight men I know I think straight men are the scaredest of the idea that they might be gay um and I think that comes from fear of butt sex I have a whole treatise about it you can read it nowhere um but I think that straight men are the scariest of people thinking that they're gonna be gay and I feel like that is something that if there are any men that listen to this podcast which I'm sure there's two to three um yeah

that you could just uh work on letting go of that fear within yourself that's really how we're gonna solve homophobia because religion doesn't really cover it you know I don't want to get married in a church and it's not like tradition that's really the problem because many people are divorced it's really this fear that I think a lot of guys still carry that somebody's gonna come up to them while they're in middle school as an adult and call them gay and push them into a locker and I feel like you just gotta make peace with that I mean Macklemore taking his time to say that like hey he understands what it is to be gay because he used to think he was gay is not the same as just saying I actually totally don't know what you guys are going through um because I am

not gay but I'm just an advocate for you look look I get it okay I cleaned my room when I was a look I get it okay listen my uncle I totally get it I have one more question camera before I let you go and this is one from just from me we had Dan Savage on our show a long time ago and he said um queer a lot and I just wanted to ask you if that was okay to say now or what is the status update on that I'm gonna status update you on queer uh so hardcore right now thank you we're completely fine to say if you are saying it in a positive way you can't I would I only would but you can you can't be like you're queer but you could be like you're queer do you did you get that yes can you give me those intonations just one more time just one more time

what if I use it and he's like you're queer versus like you're queer what about in the interrogative sense like you're queer yeah no you can definitely do that that actually is great because it's kind of open-ended and there's like a sweetness to it um what about like a cockney flare so like hey governor you're queer well I think I don't but you got but he fell off the roof at the end of it camera this is important can we use it can we just have fun with it like we've been doing for the past 60 seconds can I do it in a baby voice you can use queer anytime you would use lgbt okay because glbt or lgbt or whatever it is is kind of like a 90s term like whenever I hear that I always think of like really wide-legged jeans and like a backwards um news boy cap you know

like you think of j and c.o is what you're telling me yes queer is like a much more asymmetrical haircuts like mustaches on men and women and granola it's like a little bit more of an update it's a pair of bootcut jeans from express yes exactly uh Cameron Esposito thank you so much for joining us we sure appreciate you taking the time uh again you're on wham bam pow you are uh on put your hands together what what else do you do camera twitter do you tweet tweet yeah at Cameron Esposito and I guess my final question for you guys would be just like do you think we solved it you know Macklemore set it up and we spiked it camera Cecilia thank you so much have a great day guys you too uh you guys want a yahoo yeah please yes this yahoo is sitting by julie

martin thanks julie it's by yahoo answers user amber k who asks how would you describe a food court to someone who has never been to one oh god good question I have to describe a food court in french for homework in four to six sentences since apparently food quirks are an american thing uh you fucking thing yeah no kidding I want to get some chicken nugs and some sparrows in the same bite uh how would you describe a food court to someone who doesn't know what one is it doesn't have to be in french I will do that all I have so far is a place where several restaurants are that people go to eat after shopping I mean you kind of got okay wait hold on hold on that's a ridiculous question then like how do I describe uh snow I all I've got so far is it's frozen water that falls

from the sky and accumulates on the ground but I mean also I she's done nothing to capture the spirit of the okay the magic of it and she's also sort of mischaracterized it I think because like you don't always go to the food court sometimes the food court is a dining destination oh I say it's not sometimes that's your sole purpose it's not a pit stop if in between fucking sun coast and and the sunglass hut like sometimes it's just sort of why you went to the mall okay so let's do some flavor text to make it like that much of so like in a world imagine imagine stepping into the garden of Eden except instead of a bunch of shitty stuff like fruit and trees and everything you can reach out your hand and pluck a some Chick-fil-A this is the food you can eat at the

big loafer you can eat at an orange panda express other people probably don't know what the big loafer is do they I love that you guys are have moved on away from beautiful honey to West Virginia the greatest little city in this nation of ours and yet your your images of malls and food courts are still indelibly pretty much honey to West Virginia so big big loafer I guess it how do you describe a big loafer to someone who has never been to one easy pepperoni rolls and that's it what do you got soda and pepperoni rolls you in like uh fuck yeah I'm in big loafer thanks for the evite I think also next to the big loafer was the specialty popcorn store yeah uh yeah caramel corn with a K was the name of that store and that and it burned down the the big it was the best

smelling fire basically ever and also the loudest the big loafer it has a thing called the big loafer that you can buy there uh yes it is made of meatloaf and it also has uh cookies that are filled with chocolate and pepperoni rolls so I guess just translate that to French Jamie Oliver when he was shooting the tv show Fat City in Huntington West Virginia uh he went to the big loafer realized that he had failed his it's a wonderful life-esque angel mission and then just like pulled the record went back to heaven and disappeared on the spot the now this I want to warn you about the the sandwiches the big loafer they're a little pricey at five dollars wow really yeah that that well that's what the big loafer is gonna cost you I uh because I love you guys I

looked up this quick story on the herald dispatch about the big loafer and here's a quote from the guy who runs big loafer I've estimated that about 40% of the people who have walked by our restaurant have never tried it Michael Burdick said a five dollar investment in a sandwich is a lot if you don't know what you're getting but what's people have tried our food 999 out of a thousand are gonna go wow they find it's a great value for their wow am I going to have diarrhea for a month no no no no no what have I done what have I done five dollars for this I've got to call my wife if I wanted to get diarrhea I could probably get it for like 65 cents if I spent my money wisely god damn it this is a a great comment on the fatalistic nature of many west virginians that

they would actually think wait I'm gonna put it into my body I'm not gonna pay five dollars for that I'm just gonna turn it into what kind of library living where you think of buying a sandwich as an investment yeah it's a five dollar investment and finding out of this sandwich place well maybe that big loafer is going to give you the calories that you need to think of invent facebook too the sequel to facebook if you could honey then don't go to big loafer I don't know what's wrong with you stop it you have to stop it thank you so much for listening to our big loafer fancast the loaf bros we hope you had a just a low flea time we want to thank those guys this was a this was a big episode for us yeah yeah there was no loafing here is we were just going

for it we should drop this loaf and let people listen to it okay well okay thank you people tweeting about the show like hamish strong sarah mule uh mb mb am wisdom is a twitter account that you should absolutely be following um because it just tweets quotes from our show and it's it's every once in a while I'll catch myself laughing at it and feel like a real dickhead Emily Allen joe smith grandess sarah rollin alex robbins sunny webster james elliot um maggie rissetti joshling chris uh traslovina um and so many others thank you for recommending our show to your friends and family it means a lot and a big thanks to cameron esposito for being our first desperate for testing out these these choppy waters uh if you have somebody that

that you want to see on on the show we're I mean we're not going to do this every week I don't think but shoot us an email at at mbm bam at maximumfun.org and uh we'll we'll try to we'll try to reach out we'll try to make sure to check out her show um wampam pow and put your hands together and all the other awesome maximumfun.org shows yeah like uh the goose down saw bones jordan jesse go judge john hodgeman there there's a grip of them so go check it out and a big thanks to john rodrick and along winters for these for theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed it's a fine album fine fine album sold where all albums are sold I guess and also a big loafer they also a big loafer it's like starbucks where they have the albums at the front but it's only

seattle-based uh indie rock so uh and thank you so much for listening to our program it really means a lot to us uh make sure to join us again next monday when we'll be back with you until then griffin has a question for you to think about ponder yeah it was sent in by jeff and cammy or cammy thank you jeff and cammy or cammy it's by yahoo answers user williams who asks how much gum in my pubes is too much i'm just a macaroy i'm travis macaroy i'm griffin macaroy it's been my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported

justin what are you doing uh strapping a uh chicken in my arm heard there's some uh plague out west so i just wanted to you know kind of get out ahead of it justin if you'd ever listen to our medical history podcast saw bones where we talk about everything from trepanation to bloodletting you would know that that is a ridiculous idea and it will never work saw but i haven't caught it saw bones yes it's every friday on the maximumfun network and we record it together a doctor something yes