My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 188: Holler Smarts

Episode Date: February 19, 2014

Apologies for the tardiness of this episode: Griffin was suffering from a hat trick of debilitating ailments, which are detailed in the first few harrowing minutes of the show. Suggested talking points: Kissing Oil, Hair Toys, Toby Keith's Gunstaurant, Snakepiss, Moustache Will Brothers, Inner Jack, Amateur B&B Party, The Grandma Show

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, welcome to my brother and my brother, me special Valentine's Day edition for lovers. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy lovers. I can't go on this journey with you. I'm your middle-aged brother. Kiss on my mouth, it's covered in oil. I respect your friends. My mouth is covered in kissing oil. Oh, God. What is that? What did you get? Kissing oil. I bought it from a man at

Hardee's. Oh, God. I was at Hardee's and I bought kissing oil from a man. Was he an employee of Hardee's or was he just there? He was a man in a bathroom and he had a Guy Fox mask. He told me he would help me kiss better. I'm gripping the baby. Guys, let's compare and contrast our Valentine's Day experiences because I am willing to bet that I had not only the worst of the three people on this podcast, but of the three billion people on earth. This V-Day, my wife and I celebrated our last Valentine's Day without a child. You're just going to casually drop that bomb on the show, by the way. Yeah, well, we already dropped it on Sawbones. That's where you need to go for your world exclusive baby news. Oh, I see. So we celebrated it by going to the Greenbrier,

which is a resort in sort of at the eastern edge of West Virginia. It's 236 years old, like 30, maybe 50 presidents have stayed there and it's got a Cold War bunker in the bottom. Pretty tight. And I could see no. Very romantic. What about you, Traff? Therese and I, we spent a day at a Louisville bed and breakfast and spent a day exploring Louisville, eating at fancy restaurants and going to museums. Griffin? Oh, Rachel and I spent our Valentine's Day with her just sort of watching me rive on the couch. Sounds sexy so far. I wasn't riving with sexual avarice. I wasn't riving because I was burning with an invisible, invisible sexual flame, an invisible flame. It's because I had

and get out your abacus, get out your addon machines. I had a sinus infection and then also some diarrhea and then I also had athlete's foot. I had a sinus infection and I had diarrhea and I had athlete's foot. So that was a pretty stellar. Is it possible that they were all side effects of being addicted to love? I think that may have had something. Maybe it was the kissing oil, like a side effect of the kissing oil. It was not FDA approved. Griffin could have gotten ovarian migraines and the doctor would have found it less surprising. I did go to the doctor. More surprising than getting athlete's foot. I went to the doctor and I was like, she was like, you obviously have a sinus infection. I was like, yeah, but check this out. Also,

die, die and plus check out my toes. I was like, is there a weird connection? She was like, no, you're just like, you eat like a dumb shit and you don't clean your feet in the shower. You should contact Dr. House because I'm betting they're connected. I figured it out. Let me take a look in his house. Oh, he's just a dirty boy and he eats stupid food. I had a thing happen to me the day after Valentine's Day that I wanted to bounce off you guys because this is an advice show. It's an advice podcast from modern era. I'm still not sure if I did the right thing in this situation, but it was when I was like, I was colon rolling on some Sudafed and I went outside late at night. I was watching Curling. It was like 1am and my cat

who was outside was perched underneath the tree and he was looking up in the tree and there were two giant possums in the branches of the tree in my neighbor's yard. I didn't want my cat to get in a fight with these possums and get rabies and die. My inclination, and keep in mind, I was really, really very high. I went and I got some rocks from my driveway and I started throwing them in the direction of the possums in the tree in my neighbor's yard. Did you make contact? I was throwing rocks. I would rather not say. I would rather like if there are people who are like super hardcore PETA folks, I would rather not divulge whether or not I hit on target because you know what? It was dark. I may or may not have. Griffin has decided that since his body is slowly

decomposing, he might as well go full old man. Just full weird cantankerous old man throwing rocks at mammals in my neighbor's yard. Yeah. They may have been PET possums. I don't know. This is fucking Austin. Griffin, you've got to complete this picture by going over to the neighbor's house by complaining to them about their possums. Yeah. 630. Listen, just want to let you know. I took care of the possums for you. Oh, hold on. And then I diarrhea on my bare grody feet. Also, I made you some raspberry preserves. Was this the right thing to do though? Because I didn't What am I going to do? Go get my cat? Nope. Because look up. What's that? Did you try using your words? I did. Do you know what the words said I said were?

This is this is great. I walked out and I saw the possum in the tree and I said, oh no, out loud to myself. And then I didn't see the second possum until like a couple minutes later. And because I saw the other possum like hissing upwards. I was like, what's he hissing? Oh, the second possum. And I actually said, oh my God. And I turn around and went back in the house. What does it say? It snowed real bad here on Valentine's Day proper. And like I got into a minor car accident where my car slid into a curb. But I slid for like 20, 30 feet. So it was like a really long 20 mile an hour slide. The whole time I was sitting there going, oh my, oh my goodness. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh my gosh. When you're in the zone,

when you're in the zone, anything can happen, man. Isn't it weird how when you and maybe this isn't the same thing in every part of the country. In fact, I'm most certain it's not. But like growing up in West Virginia, we have squirrels, a lot of squirrels everywhere. Don't see as many of them as you used to. Thanks, Al Gore. But the Al Gore ground down squirrels to turn them into internet. I killed them with global warming. Anyway, the it's weird how if I see a squirrel, it's basically like, well, there's a squirrel. If an animal is 20% bigger, suddenly I'm in fucking wild kingdom. Like I feel like I'm having a grizzly man style encounter with a wild animal. And I get terrified. They're just ferrets with weirder tails. But like, I don't, I just don't want

to look at them. I just always assumed that the possums looking at me going, which one of us isn't supposed to be here. Not infringing on my land. Yeah. If it's in my house, it knows. And like, it knows that it's in the wrong. But when we're outside, it's awesome. Yeah. It's not eternal. Let's let's start. I feel selfish. Like I've just been like, I just needed to vent because like, I had a pretty bad two days there. Two of my three ailments have cleared up. Sounds like your butt's been doing plenty of venting. And my face and my fucking every hole at just every hole, including the new ones on my feet. Do you like podcasts? This is what podcasts are. How do you feel right now?

This is a journey you've taken yourself on. Let's answer some questions. I'm a guy in my mid 20s, and I got a haircut the other day. Barbara had me turn sort of, it's an evening recording, folks. We're not used to this. So things may get a little ribbled. I apologize in advance. The barber had me turn sort of sideways from us, the haircut. And I didn't want to turn my head while he was working. That's how you lose an ear and lose my attention, ironically. When he was done, he turned me back to the mirror and asked what I thought. Turns out he had cut it way shorter than I wanted. Obviously, I was polite and thanked him and tipped him. But is there

really anything you could do in this situation? Yeah, like white hair and San Francisco. 30 days. Next question. Like, get, I guess get a weave. What do you want to tell you? This is fucking physics. I don't think, okay, wait, I don't think he's asking was there anything I could have done to replace the hair? I think they're asking, is there anything I could have done to tell the dude he did a shit job? I mean, I, your problem was going more than 15 seconds where you didn't look, didn't like fucking fact check the, the spin job that somebody was doing to your dome while you're getting a haircut. You have to keep a constant eye on it. You have to That's why it's rough as a bespectacled man, though, because when they make me take off my

glasses to get my haircut. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like, hey, Travis, one 800 contacts. I found my hairdressers hate me because what I did is I say hairdressers, I got a master cuts. The people that weren't master cuts. My team was stylists. My team was stylists. When I go to see a stylist at master cuts, what I tell them is that and that's not to disparage people work at master cuts. I thought Sonny was at Fantastic Sam's. No, Sonny's not Fantastic Sam's. And I don't go there because Fantastic Sam's has a hole that kids can put their hair in and it turns into a toy. At the risk of running into a trademark violation, homie don't play that. So anyway, you can take that toy home and like cherish it, but you know it's hair.

You know, it's a hair toy. This is a real that's going to sound really bizarre. I'm serious. That's the way this thing works. You put in some of your hair and then a fucking adult like replaces it, like knocks a toy down from the top of it. And you don't I'm sorry. I don't want to I don't want to go behind the candelabra here, but you know, it's not like an actual magic thing. An adult switches the hair for a toy. I don't I don't want to shatter the illusion, but you're a fucking 38 year old man. How old do you think our brother is? This makes a lot of sense in retrospect. What I do is I tell the hairstylist that they ask what you want, which I used to say like, what do you think I should do? Because I just so lost. But now I tell them just to clean up,

you know, just clean it up so it looks intentional. And then once they do that, that then I say, clean it up a bit more and you just stare, stare, step them back from that. But they love you. Your hair cuts in four and a half hours. I know I said some legit advice. Okay. Your clippers, right? They have guards on them. The different guards have different numbers that dictate the length that it will cut your hair. Memorize the length you want. Yeah. When you go for a haircut and they say, what do you want? Say, I'd like the sides of the number three and the top of the number five number three. What's the fucking point if you do a number three? Well, number three, it trims it up so you don't get, well, I get a little bit curled past three

on the sides. Okay. But that just cleans it up and then the five leaves enough to style it. I see. I go six all over. You do six all over. After they have already messed up your hair, though, I think you did the exact right thing because you've got to instantly make the mental leap that you like it because you have nothing else. There's no other options for you. And so telling the person that you did a good job and tipping them is an essential part of make it because why would you ever be doing that if I didn't like it? You have to like it. You have to own it. I think it's time for us to start bringing the male weave back into fashion. I'd love a male weave. I would love a male weave. Not all the time because I live in Texas,

so like all of my haircuts are by necessity, just like extremely short for survival's sake. But back in the day, I would get some pretty bad. When I kicked it at the happy hair boutique, when my non-regular stylist was working, she would do some pretty whack bird's nest shit up there. And man, I would have appreciated some extensions back then when I was coming up. So we hope that helps. You're stuck with it. See you in 30 days. You're stuck with it. Learn to like it. Next time, you're just looking for a cleanup. You just want to clean it up and then clean it up more. Keep your third eye fucking open and watch what they're doing because they'll fuck you.

They'll fuck you and then like you might say like you did a bad job. But as soon as you walk out the door, they're going to forget all about the bad job they did and they'll continue terrorizing people. Do you guys want a yahoo? Please. This yahoo is sent in by Drew Davenport. Thanks Drew Davenport. I'm about ready to upgrade Drew Davenport to like platinum status. He's about to become a triple emerald member. He's got his 10th stamp, so his 11th one is free. His 11th stamp. The stamps don't mean anything, but here's a free one. Thank you Drew. It's by Yahoo Answers User Walt who asks, what do you think of country singer Toby Keith's new restaurant

not allowing guns? From news article, country star actor and restaurateur Toby Keith. I'll give you one of those. Has sparked a controversy after banning guns from his newly opened eatery in Virginia. The 52 year old Oklahoma native had a grand opening last week for his newest venture. Toby Keith's, I love this bar and grill in the DC suburb of Woodbridge. But many of the singer's fans who turned out for the event were shocked to discover a sign in the window that announced no guns permitted. Maybe Toby Keith's, this is, that was from the article, this is yahoo fresh. Maybe Toby Keith supports guns but not in his restaurants or maybe he doesn't have control over it? Yes. Toby Keith done lost control of his fucking restaurant.

We can all agree that like it's a sovereign earth kind of thing. When you start doing Toby Keith, I love this bar and grill. You've left American soil and you're in the land of Toby Keith America. Okay. And if you're saying if they didn't prohibit guns explicitly on the front door, it would be like a fucking unreal tournament in there. People just like, as soon as they cross the threshold, just like, give me a steak. Give me a steak and some peanuts. Real talk. Have either of you ever been in a Toby Keith, I love this bar and grill? I remember when Travis went in one, we were in a Cincinnati Reds game. Is this real? Travis disappeared. This is real. Travis disappeared. And when we relocated him,

he informed us that he had just ventured into Toby Keith's, I love this bar and grill. Okay. It was part, it was part of my like year of new things. And one day my new thing was I was going to go into a Toby Keith's. I love this bar and grill. I think it was horrifying. Yeah. So many little did he know it would end in tragedy as gunplay broke out for the 38th consecutive day. There's no law like that at the Cincinnati Toby Keith's. I love this bar and grill. That's just the wild west. I was wondering why you guys didn't react strongly to the name. And I guess you were fucking. Yeah, we're pretty, we're pretty, Travis is pretty well inundated. Do you think Toby Keith strode in there? Just all angry. I specifically said guns

demanded. Guns demanded. You have to have a gun. I think he's making a pretty big statement here. And I've been, I've been wavering on like Toby Keith's constitutional stick tuativeness for lack of a better term for a while now. I think, here's what I think. I'm just going to go down the list of just the things I think. Okay. The whole Dixie chicks flare up was a false flag just from just from the start. That's just how I feel. That's just what I believe beer for my horses was also a false flag whiskey for my men beer from my horses. That's a good tune. Yeah, I see that's a movie. Hold on. Wait, sing, sing the lyrics of that song. Sing the lyrics of that song backwards though.

Start playing with a divorce. Maybe Toby Keith just wants doesn't want to be challenged if he decides to go with a gun because you know how it is when you go into place with a gun and you see somebody else has a gun and then it's like, well, I guess we have to shoot each other and now we have to fight and shoot each other and he does and maybe times when I get tough and he needs to know that there's at least one place he can safely hold up a gunpoint and rob blind. I would like to know like, I just think it would be great if the other half of that was like guns prohibited, rapiers encouraged. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I specifically asked for no chives on my Tato skins. I demand satisfaction. I guess my I may have to sweet up a man.

Hell yeah. My question is if you without a gun, how are you supposed to eat pork chops? And really enjoy them. You may eat pork chops, but you don't taste pork chops unless you're packing. This is you knife fork cut, cut, cut, cut dip. Maybe you dip in a one. Good. The best way to do it is gun bullet, bullet, bullet. You load them in a gun and then you shoot the box. You shoot if you can shoot the lip of the plate, the pork chops on and playing it in the air is going to save you a few bullets and then you just sort of juggle it up there and then it lands in your mouth. Ultimately, another good thing to do is to jam as much of the pork chop into the barrel of the gun as you can and just take this express train to meet country. You are going to need a long

barreled, maybe a revolver. Here's the thing. You want just enough stopping power, but not too much stopping power. I recently dropped a small fortune on a beautiful designer purse. Problem is I frequently get asked the question, how much did you pay for it? Did you guys have any subtle ways of sidestepping this question? That's from I'd rather not say in New Brunswick, Canada. Well, you've come to the right place. When I get asked how much I paid for it, I always say more than it was worth. When I get asked how much I paid for anything, the answer is almost always nine dollars. I try really hard not to own anything that costs much money. I don't try, but I do. I don't try very hard to not own things that cost a lot of money.

That's just what I try really hard to have things. Maybe it's just from our background and how we grew up. I almost don't know where people buy expensive things. I always think that when someone buys expensive things, it's because they didn't have a friend with them going. It's weird because as you get older and you're allowed to go whenever stores you want, you walk into a store and you look at a price tag and it's almost like, wait a minute, this is like the wrong store. I'm not supposed to be here. There's like five numbers on this shirt. I'm not supposed to be here. One of my favorite things to do is to go into fancy boutique clothing and pouriums and challenge myself to look at price tags and keep

a stone face. Just keep like I'm still considering this face. How much is this jacket? I still might buy it. Let me, I don't know. Wait, I think I already own this jacket in blue. I'm going to leave. But at the same time, I like to have nice stuff and I don't like being talked down to by snooty store employees. During that one time, I think it was me and you juice and we went to Brothers of the Year went to that fucking protein powder store at the mall and we're like, we're going to get our brother Travis some protein powder and they're like, this, this store isn't for you. This, the things in this store cost a considerable amount of money. It's for, it's for all of Huntington, West Virginia's extremely wealthy health conscious person.

It's for Steven. It's for Doug. Welcome to, welcome to come on in Doug. We just called it that. Welcome to Doug's. I love this. You got to give me protein powder because you were like, I guess you are super, you wanted to like get beefy, I guess. Maybe this was that summer we had their weight fence that we like found outside of a dollar tree and a dumpster. We're like, I just wish I could be there on the day that you, young Griffin and young Justin went, I know what Travis wants. I remember we walked out of that store so incensed because, and then like we had all these like conversations in our brain that we should have had with the come on in Doug manager. Like, oh yeah. Well, how about this money that I raised working

up blockbuster $62? The guy's like, yeah, like, yeah, like, yeah, that's exactly what I'm talking about, little kid. Do you want a baggie? I could put a stupid. I just don't, I just don't buy nice things. I guess is what we're saying. I know that's a bad answer, but for the money you spent on that one nice thing, you could buy 10 okay things. I guess it's just weird to me that someone would see like something you're clearly proud of that you bought, you know, for yourself and would ask you how much money you pay. It seems so like unclassy. Then the nice thing about owning a lot of things that don't cost very much money is you can always feel free to throw those things at people to make a point. A lot, if you have

expensive things, you can't do that unless you're trying to make a point that like, unless the point is about affluence. I love the moment. One of my favorite moments is when like, I have a sweet jacket like I bought it at thrift store. So I'm like, oh my God, I love your jacket. Where'd you get it? And you get to say something like, you know what, paid three bucks for it. And they're like, what? That seems to me like the other way seems like it's lose, lose. Like somebody asked how much you pay for that purse. And you say like $1,200. They're either going to think, wow, that's way too much money to pay for a purse or you got ripped off. I find myself incapable of admitting how much I spend on anything. Like I will almost, and I don't know why I do

this. And maybe it's like, I learned it from not wanting to admit to our parents how much I paid for stuff. But like, and this was both of my money. So I don't, I don't really know what I was hiding. But I almost, whatever I tell people how much something costs, I tend to always put like a 20 to 30% discount on it. And there's no reason what the fuck we taught. Yeah. The answer, obviously lie. Obviously. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It was 88% off on Amazon Lightning deals. And then you throw up the shocker and you make a fucking five minute long uninterrupted fart noise with your mouth until they walk away. When I buy stupid shit, I always get to have a fun game of how much am I going to tell Teresa this cost? And it's usually like honey, it was super clearance. Yeah. Sydney and I took

a tour of the Cold War bunker at the Greenbrier, right? And I got the reservations. And they told me how much it was going to be. It was $30 per person. It's a resource or everything costs like dumb about money. And when she's, and she said, when I was telling her this, she said, wait, you have to pay for it? And I said, yes. And she said, how much was it? And I said, I don't like, it was like $10 per person. That, that was it. And like later she saw how much it was. I don't know why I felt like I had to lie about it. There was no reason we both wanted to do it. I just, maybe I want to be seen as like thrifty. Maybe that's an image I'm trying to cultivate. It's a cool image. Can you, can anytime anybody asked anybody else about the price that

they pay for their clothes, is it too much to ask them to grab the other person by the shoulders and hold them completely still while they sing every word of Macklemore's thrift shop in their face? Smell like R Kelly sheets. Biss. Like please, please, please, please, please let me go. Please let me go. I'm popping and not going to cut the re-box. I'll never ask again. Please. I'm so sad. Please. Piss. You just sang that one part over and over again. I think it's the only part you know. Maybe. Smell like R Kelly sheets. Piss. I'm five years old. Someone tell me this. 50 times I laugh every time. There's a way you say it like a threatening reptile. It's humans. It sounds like a reptile that should be behind the Cheshire cat. Like the Cheshire cat's

height man. Just every few sentences he punctuates it with. Yeah, and also piss. That's Ryan Lewis. Ryan Lewis is a reptile. Mystery revealed. He is a fox. He's a cerulean. He has been a There's a stink bug on my fucking computer. What is with your house? It's this warm weather we're having. They're getting brave because they're making a run for the outside. The way stink bugs work is they come to your house when they're cold and they just chill. They don't do anything. Oh, that's horrifying. How can you have it white? All they do is chill because they want to stay warm through the winter. And then when it starts warming up, they're like, well, dip. Thanks for letting us stay at your pad. They put on a tiny top hat and they're cane and they get

full out. Travis, you're thinking of Joe's apartment again. That wasn't a documentary. Oh, sorry. Sorry, you guys. Hey, listen, all this talk about expensive things has got me hungry for a smacker all of muddy. So let's go to the muddy side. Why did you get weird? I was rubbing my chest because he just rubbed kissing oil on his mouth and now everything he says is weird. Sounding normal. I'm rubbing my chest. Let's go to the muddy side. I don't like this. You've probably tried Hulu.com, but Hulu Plus is better than that. With Hulu Plus, you can watch your favorite shows, whatever the hell you want because you're a grown up. Do you want to tell us the shows you watch or? You like Jim and me?

Do you like Jimny Glick? Probably not on there. Do you like Jimny Kimmel? He's on there. That's weird, brother. Jimny Kimmel? Do you like Snill? You like Shark Tech? Sharks? Well, what if you had to take a little bit, then you could watch it. Do you like smoking Perkisets? Because Justin does. And also Scandal. That's actually a bit, okay. They got those. They have archived shows like a lot. Oh my God. Hey, Hulu Plus, you're welcome. Yeah, Justin. I just want to see if they're listening. You can also check out exclusive content like Hulu. You kind of talk about Lost in Law in order for you and Dr. Who and Community. They're

great shows that they have on their archived. Check them. Watch them and also watch The Wrong Man Behind the Mask. They're original programs that you can watch right on there. It's like not even a problem. They have ad-free movies. They got kids content and it is $7.99 a month. Sorry, not $799. $7.99 a month. That's too much. I'm not going to pay that for at least two weeks. I don't get paid for two weeks, Griffin. I can't pay that right now. Well, I guess the bad news is that you are kind of poor. I guess the bad news is that you don't have a lot of money and that makes me sad for you because you're my brother, but the good news is that we can give you two weeks free if you go to huluplus.com slash my brother. All one word and you'll get an extended

two-week frile. Frile? Yeah, that's right. That's what they call free trials. Friles. Go catch your frile on hulu.com. Go watch some TV and enjoy it. Get that frile. Try for two weeks free and then decide if you want to keep it. Yeah. That's such a good deal. It's a great deal. Thank you, Hulu, for giving us money to just be asking. Huluplus.com slash my brother. Thank you. Here's another great product that we're perfect to advertise. We may be after Hulu sues us out of house and home for stealing their fucking money for bullshit. Listen, we've all had legal troubles, all of us. Sometimes David Comey's busy. Sometimes David Comey, the lawyer who rocks, is busy because we fucking give him a lot of free airtime here. I'm a bimbo. So don't even worry about that quack because we got

legal zoom. It turns me in. That was liable, so now we're definitely going to need legal zoom. Legal zoom is it makes you a lawyer. Basically, you can incorporate or form an LLC with a simple questionnaire. And it's just $99, which seems like like to create a business for yourself that like something you pass on to your children for $99. For $99, you don't want to make a business for your children to have. Real talk. Should we fucking do this? Should we have a business? I think we probably should. We probably should have incorporated. My brother, my brother and me incorporated. Yeah, or we could just like protect our shit so people can't like fucking steal it. All the kids incorporated taken. It definitely you can also create a will starting to $69 or

a living trust. That's like a will for people who refuse to die quickly and easily and get peace of mind and also protection. Now this illegal zoom is not a law firm, but they can connect you with a third party attorney and they can provide you with self-help services, which is something I would be interested in because lawyers weird me out. And I don't like and having just like a person there in between me and a lawyer would be great. I'm supposed to be closing on a house here in a few weeks and like there will be two to three lawyers in the room and I'm fucking terrified. I might request that one of them be David Comey. I think he's like an accidents guy, but I don't know. Maybe he diversified.

You can get more savings. You just type my brother into the referral box at the checkout. I know this stuff isn't necessarily fun to think about. What living wills? Are you sure? What Justin? You're trying to get your laugh on. I get it. But right now is the time to make a business or a will for it. Make a will make a business and then put it in the will that the business goes to your kids and then figure out what you're going to do in your business because you don't have any special skills or anything. But you do have some help on your legal documents from LegalZoom.com. Remember to use the discount code my brother at. This might be fun too. This might be like a fun. I'm doing like a little arm dance because I'm so excited about this idea.

Like a fun podcast contest. You know, people do that sometimes. How crazy can your will be? Name us and your will. Oh, okay. You don't have to live like living will think of all the demands you could. Don't leave us. Don't leave us like a bunch of stuff. Maybe just like your Pogs collection or something like that. But like it's like I want to get a call from a lawyer in like 2080 because none of you are going to die anytime soon. It's like a podcast like a postcard like you guys send us postcards and that's great. But when you send us like tell ma bim bam sup and that's in your will. That's like a postcard that you can only send once. It would be terrific if you could leave in your will like a haunted house but we have to spend the night there. I love it. Yes,

please. So I just assume that's a real thing and I want that. I got a message for Tom from Pete and Joe and John. Big things on the Tom front guys. Here's your Tom update. Tom update. Tom, this is a commercial for you. You got a new job, a new beard and you're running. Unfortunately, you're so focused on moving 20 forward that you forgot to look 20 left and you were hit by a key. It's not funny. It's not funny. Hey, Tom, that's not funny. Stop laughing. Stop laughing, Tom. So as your leg heals, just know that we love you and maybe someday we'll get to use the jumbotron for something other than broken legs and cancer condolences. Oh boy. Oh boy. Howdy. Tom, how's your week? Oh man. Tom, I hope you feel better, buddy.

Tom, feel better. At least it was a key. It's like the wimpiest car in the whole world. I drive a key. I got a message for Chris Cook from Devon Cook and Devon says, thank you for being an amazing partner. I love you more every day. My question for you, will you be my valentine? P.S. Happy Valentine's brothers also to Chris. Tote, sorry about the timing. No, I can't apologize for this shit anymore. What did we tell you? What did we say? I don't want to get like all hyphy in your face, but we mean what we say when we say that we're fuck ups. I'm going to turn it a little more positive and say, I like this. I hope it becomes a trend of people buying money zones and then sneaking in secret messages to us in messages to their loved ones. Happy birthday,

dad. Also Travis, I dig the mustache you're rocking right now. You're doing it great. It is working for you. Also, you're in my will. I'll leave you my mustache if you leave me your mustache. We're mustache will brothers. So that's very sweet, Devon and Chris, and I hope you all have a wonderful valentine's day together. It's sort of in love. What is it? A happy, I hope you had a great next year. Happy flag day, you two. I'm Carrie Poppy. I'm Ross Blotcher, and we make a show. Oh no, Ross and Carrie. Oh no. We investigate fringe science, spirituality, religious groups, alternative therapies. We put ourselves through a lot of uncomfortable situations so that you don't have to. Because really, why would you? For example, I watched a tube be inserted into Ross's

anus. That's true, but it sounds terrible out of context. We've tried penis and breast enlargement pills. We spent six months undercover becoming Mormons. We hung out with the 9-11 truthers. The UFO cult, the Raleons. And we're going to do more. It's one of the newest shows on MaximumFun.org. Here's a yahoo. Hit me. I'm ready. This yahoo was sent in by Elliot Neville. Thanks, Elliot. It's by yahoo answers user saving hope. Who asks, can I adopt an 18 year old if I'm 18 years old? Wait. Can I adopt an 18 year old if I'm 18 year old? I'm rich and one of best friends who's in my care, I have a fiance? That's in question. So I think they do have a fiance and they're just still waiting for on an answer. No, I think they're just wondering if that

sweetens the pot. It's hard out there for a single parent of a teenager and also the single parent is a teenager. If they have a fiance that might, you know, fucking grease the wheels. It's a fucking shame how this system works. It's so corrupt. You got to grease the wheel somewhere. It's a very greasy system, but I think having a fiance might help this along. I hope they, I hope they trademark this yahoo answer before Seth Rogen and James Franco listen to our podcast, because if not, this is their next film. I don't think you said you want to adopt a kid. It turned out all we had was this 40 year old man. Also you're 18. It's the new hit comedy. Who's the dad? Can an 18 year old adopt an 18 year old? I don't think so. He's that 18

year old rich or poor. Can you adopt an 18 year old at all? I mean, this is basically the plot of the OC, right? Peter Gallagher is much, much Peter Gallagher is fucking Nosferatu. I thought Seth adopted Ryan. No, no, no. He didn't stop trying to spread these falsehoods. I'm almost positive please do not besmirch the amazing act of love and faith that Sandy and Kirsten Cohen made in adopting Ryan Atwood. I won't have it on this podcast. There's, well, we could joke about a lot of things here. I'm sorry. I crossed the line. The line has been crossed. Can we reframe this to make it an actual thinker? Can we do what? Can we reframe this? Okay. Can an 18 year old adopt a 17 year old? Because I don't think an 18 year old, I'm almost certain an 18 year old can't

adopt an 18 year old. I think a 17 year old, I think you might have a case there. How hard is it to adopt somebody? Pretty fucking easy. Yeah, it's just you just ask them if they say yes, and you can catch them under the Maypole with the sugar lasso. That's the way it works. And then on Sadie Hawkins Day, all the 70 year olds chase the 18 year olds, whichever ones they touch, adopt them. Yeah, I gigged this frog and spun around three times, and now you're my kid. And also this frog's my kid. I sure do have a lot to learn about this crazy country of ours. That's how it works in Meepo's, you see. So, Valkyrie was confused. I don't think the adoption authorities would give the stamp on this particular plan. Have you thought about

legal zoom? 18 year old looking to adopt a 17 year old? Yeah, sounds good. I will do that. Don't forget my brother, coupon code. I'm Brad. This is my boy Chad. Hey, what's up? His dad's kind of a dick. And you won't let him go to the Stone Temple Pilots concert? And I couldn't think of a better. Wow, there's Bowser's Stone Temple Pilots. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Yeah, his dad's kind of a dick. Listen, I reached one pocket and I came out with Stone Temple Pilots. I just got a place. It's one bed behind the Sit Go, but I don't know. I think I'd be a pretty cool dad. I know I'm just a lunch lady, but we really want to go to Warp Tour. I. I got another question for you. Love this idea though. Please do this thing and then call me

and let me know how it worked. This is how it goes. Don't forget to use legal zoom. I'm turning 30 soon and I'm having a party. I was going to be, it was going to be a joint party. Weed smoking with my roommate since he turns 30 four days later. 430. What's up? That's nothing. All of this that one of my friends is my roommate's ex. They can't be in the same room as each other at a scene. It'll be especially bad if my roommate brings his newly pregnant if you all say. If I ask my, this is, I'm getting confused. Guys, help me. Okay, you ready? If I ask my friend not to come, she'll be devastated. What do I do? Should I have the party for myself

and keep my roommate away or tell my friend not to come? Please help. That's from, it still feels like high school at 30. I don't know if it's that we're getting better at this or the questions are getting easier. This is so easy. Quick try. Your friend, tell your friend not to come because you live with your fucking roommate and it's his house. And his birthday. And his birthday. Your friend will be devastated. That's the thing that's the craziest in this quite. I get being, there being some, some drama mean. I fucking get it. Like it exists in every friend group that's big enough that's been around long enough. I fucking get it. But like, I can't come to this one party. Can't you just say to your friend like, Hey, listen, it's his birthday and it'll make things

awkward. We can like have lunch sometime, but I just don't think it's a good idea for you to come. Or let me hit you with this too. Costume. Costume party. Costume party. That's so much better than two parties. Everybody wears a mask. Nobody's allowed to talk, sit in silence and stare at each other and smoke that. Don't give it to the pregnant lady. What are you doing? I don't, is there, there's nothing you can do. Like once you have this shit in your group, the only thing you can do is fucking select who gets to go to what, right? Or just tell both of them and then they can decide for themselves. The fact of the matter is, is like the next day. Okay. One, are you really going to tell your friend, your roommate who it was going to be a joint

birthday celebration with like, Hey, you can't come. So instead I've invited your ex-girlfriend. That's completely out of your hands. This is the thing though. Like, I think when people decide to leave a relationship and a point that it's, it's this sort of strained and cantankerous, like they have to accept that they're going to miss out on some stuff. I mean, this is why you decide with the person you live with. Yeah. This is why you decide to squash beeps. Like your friend has to understand that like, I mean, it's, it's part of the risk of, of getting together and breaking up everything. Like it's just collateral damage. But in this case, and there are four, they are forcing you to choose by not being cool with each other. They're

forcing you to choose. And since it's your roommate, Taliesin, your roommate's birthday, this is not a tough one. It's unfortunate. But like, if your friend cares that much, tell her to squash the beef with your roommate. You have to seriously let this be a blanket statement for questions like these, because it really is the best solution. Because we've all like had to deal with this shit before. It's not fair for you to spend a like, any time like, worrying about this and deliberating who gets to do what, like you're in some sort of fucked up custody battle with like people you didn't marry and aren't related to. Have you thought about legal zoom? Thought about legal zoom A, B, if legal zoom doesn't fall through for you, which like,

why do we even have an option B? You need to put the ball in their court because they're fucking 30 years old. And like, they should be adult enough to figure this out on their own. So you say like, you can either come and be cool, or you cannot come. Like, it just makes me tired to like, have to figure out who gets to come to which thing. Like, let me get out my Garfield calendar. Oh, no. I mean, we'll make the decision for you. If that's what you want, you can put them on the line. We'll break it to them gentle. But this is the right thing. Hold on. Hold on. If I may real quick butt into your life a little bit, your roommate has been broken up with this person long enough to like, have a fiance. They need to fucking squash this beef already. This beef

is soiled. Maybe. I meant to say spoiled. Maybe it's a fly by night super fast developing baby embryo. Oh, one of their super babies. There's nothing inside. It's an inside jack. Nothing starts to fight between exes like jazz. Did you cheat on me? She's eight months pregnant. We've only been broken up for one month. No, baby, baby, baby, baby, baby, former baby. Check it. Inside jack. Check it. She's got a little jack in there. Trust me. It's been a jack attack. It's a jack attack. Do you ever see that? Do you ever see that movie, Jack? Yeah. Do you ever see that movie, dead pose aside? It's a pretty good movie, don't you think? I'm glad we can talk like this again. I miss these talks. I'm glad you could come to this party.

Thanks for not being a shithead for once. What that was to mean. Hey, speaking of adult parties, this Yahoo was sent in by Evan Quell. Thanks, Evan. It's by Yahoo Answers user Trixie Bell who asks, would grownups late twenties and early thirties enjoy a sleepover pajama party? Yes. I'm thinking about. Yes. That's it. Yes. Okay. Like this isn't even a funny. I had this thought the other day of like, why don't we do like I have like, why don't we do this? I mean, we do, but like it's not like an on purpose sleepover. Most of it's right. True. But I've got friends that I enjoy hanging out with and that I would like to have waffles with. Yeah. Well, I can't like we have

a sleepover and everybody we, you know, we just hang out. Can I tell you the problem with this? And I, this has been my problem with every party I've been to since I was 18. Is it no one will just go to sleep at a decent hour? It is impossible to get a 20 somethings to just turn off the lights at midnight and get some rest so we can all have a great well rested day. But no one wants to think that far ahead. It's infuriating. Let me jump, let me jump back and say caveat to this. It would have to happen at my house and everybody would have to be in a separate room from my bedroom so that when it was time for me to go to bed, I could just leave. Okay. But you're talking about a hotel. It's that's not a party. No, like they could sleep in my living room when they were

ready, but they got to keep it. You're talking about an amateur bed and breakfast, not a party at that point. That's true. I want to open a bed. Okay. So let's talk about that. Then I'm not, let's just like totally jump ship on this question and talk about your new amateur bed and breakfast. Is there any way that in the morning that the guests could make breakfast for me? Okay. Should head over to legal soon.com. This is the best new partnership. And I mean, I mean, you also have to think about all the fucking. I'm sorry. What? Sorry, what? Guys, this party, let's talk about, let's talk about Travis's amateur bed and breakfast party.

Okay. Midnight lights out everybody. Try to sleep. Try to sleep over the sounds of chopping and screwing in the other room. Like in a big writhing pile. I'm talking about fucking 20 foot Marshall stacks worth of DB's of Gusion. Yeah. I don't like this bed and breakfast. Yeah. I'm going to file a very negative review on TripAdvisor. Unless that's your thing. The waffles were great. The waffles. Excellent. The Gushing. Not so terrific. Unless we're talking about the Gusion of the syrup. That was pretty good. But we are not talking about that specific Gushing talking about sex. My girlfriend and I are planning to move from Kentucky to Portland, Oregon. However, her grandmother has frequently told us she would like us to stay in Kentucky.

We are afraid that telling her grandmother will result in some tension and argument. The move is still a few months away. Should we tell her now and get it over with or wait till the moving truck is packed and he'll peace out the window. That's from feeling sucky in Kentucky. How often do you see this grandmother? How much longer? No, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. No. Have you thought about legal zoom? Okay. I'm just saying like if you only see her three times a year, you might be able to fly under the radar with this one. Are you saying you can just dip and she won't notice? I'm saying that like if you only see her like Memorial Day Thanksgiving and like Christmas. I see what you're saying. Yeah, sure. You just continue doing that. Well,

then the next time you see him, you will have that Portland smell on you. That's true. And you won't. Are you wearing him? I've never been to Portland. That was that. That was a gross stereotype, but I apologize. You guys love coffee and it rains all the time. I'm so sorry. I can't stop. I got Seattle, right? What? No, no, no. The place with all the coffee and it's really grungy and frasier and space and bumbershoot. Yeah. Yeah, you twilight where twilight was filmed. Seahawks. Are they not the same place? They're an annex that they're recently incorporated. You got it. Why does your grandmother give a fuck where you live? No, no, no, no, no. I can assume your grandmother because I'm assuming you're an adult that your grandmother's older than 12.

Why doesn't she fucking understand that you're an adult? You get to make your life decisions and you can do what you will. If she's not happy for you, she's not really your grandmother. You thought about that? Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. Hold up. The question asker only says that grandma said she would like them to stay. Yeah, because she's being a selfish bitch. I'm saying, grandma's not saying like, if you move out, you're dead to me. She's saying like, it would be great if I could continue to see you, but I understand that you have to live your life. Yeah. That is, thanks for the guilt trip, James. Like fucking let me fly my own freak flag. Importantly. I completely understand. I'm just

saying I would like it if you stayed in Kentucky because I like seeing you. Yeah. You know what, I would appreciate grandma. Oh, thanks for the pie. Why don't you have my jock for like a second? Here's something you could try. Take her with you. Against her will, Justin? That seems harsh. Put her in the back seat. Put a blindfold on her. Give her some jam and mean so she's out. Drive to Seattle. Buy her a house next near your house, but not too much. Find her a job because you've just bought two houses. You're going to need some income. Oh, buy her a house that looks exactly like your house in Kentucky, decorated exactly the same way. Move all of her friends there. Buy them houses too. Import some black bears.

Note that this plan is only viable for Jaden Smith. But yes, Jaden, if you're listening. Oh, Truman, show it. So you're going to build a tiny. Okay, wait, let me think for the logistics. You're going to have to build a dome. I think around with this. It's how they did it. With this fucking woman's Appalachian wisdom and and and holler smarts. You're telling me she wouldn't see through that ruse in a minute. Oh, yeah, I see. You think I just fell off the fucking turnip truck? That's a camera. That's a camera. That's a camera. Grandma out. The first time that she starts going out to the forage for Crick muffins and she can't find it. Let me just let me just look at you're going to have to you're going to have to make her afraid of water. If I remember correctly,

let me just look at any grass. Hmm. That's not blue. Buy fuckers. Not again, you fucks. I gotta go to legal zoom and update my documents. I'm going to Milo notice this thing all the way home. I went incredible journey. I got spry Appalachian bones, two dogs, a cat and a grandma make their way majestically across this land. You'll never guess which one dies. What happens next will shock you. This is my brother, my brother, me. It's an advice show. These photos will convince you never to move. Never kidnapped your grandmother and then build a secret television installation based around her and make her think she's still in Kentucky, but she won't because it's rural smarts. A lot of SEO optimization in that headline.

Thank you to people tweeting about the show like Matt. That's a bunch of you. I bet you just pretend it's you Blair Candace, Mod Duh, Mod Deg or team new birdie. Jason Palladino, Aaron Wilson, Tiffany N, James Galbraith, stolen meatball, Joel Sharpton, Marissa J, Abby T, Mario Halkier, Marley Saluna, John Rom, Greg Solano. Thank you to those tweeting about the show. Thank you for being patient, waiting for it. Hope that it was worth it. Worth the wait, as they say. If it's ever, I don't know. And thanks again to LegalZoom. LegalZoom is not a law firm, but provides self-help services at your specific direction. You can use the coupon code in my brother for extra savings at LegalZoom.com. It's already great deals. Check it out. And we're

sorry that we made so many jokes about killing people and stuff in reference to you, LegalZoom. That is not something they do. Please don't sue us. I also want to thank Hulu Plus, where you can binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere. You can get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to HuluPlus.com. Slash my brother. That's Hulu Plus. HuluPlus.com. Slash my brother. You can get two weeks free. Go check it out. If LegalZoom were to sue us, where the fuck do we turn? I don't know. BeagleZoom. Yeah, you're going to get fucking taken for everything, but here's some pictures of BeagleZoom. They're God's floppiest mistake. I also want to thank John Rodrick and the Long Winters for the Use for a Theme song

and to departure off the album Putting the Days to Bed. John Rodrick's going to be a speaker, presenter at boatparty.biz this year. He's also the closest they have to an on-board position, so travel at your own risk. Man, I really, really, really, really want to go to that this year. Anyway, thanks John and the Long Winters. Go check out all the other hit podcasts on MaxFunFun.org. There's a whole slew of new ones, like Lady the Lady, The Goose Down, Oh No Ross and Carrie. There's old hit favorites like Jordan Jesse Go, Judge John Hodgman, Saw Bones. Fascinating. So go check all those out and support the fan. We're going to start MaxFun Drive pretty soon, which is very exciting. If it's your first time, we'll have some extra

link shows and extra episode for donors and all kinds of good shit. So we'll tell you all about that soon. Man, we got our dad to do another one with us. That was fun last time. That was fun. Yeah, that's the thing. If you haven't listened to the past ones yet, you can donate this year and hear all of those old specials plus the new ones. We also did some like videos, like rift videos of like old health and safety films that you can get. You just got to donate and then you get like an insane amount of things. It's crazy. You want to take it to the bridge? Hell yes. Take it to the bridge. Griffin hit us with that last question. This one was sent in by Drew Davenport, Emerald member. Thanks Drew. It's by Yahoo Answers user Manny who asks,

Christians, what's your opinion on the movie Ghost Rider? I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. It's been my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Hello, my name is Graham Clark. My name is Dave Shumka. Together we host a show called Stop Podcasting Yourself. We're from Canada. Don't hang up. Don't hang up. And every week we're lucky enough to be joined by a guest, sometimes a comedian or sometimes just somebody that we like and somebody probably you've never heard of. Trust us. If you followed us this far into the promo, just try it out, please. Do we sound too desperate? Stop podcasting yourself

on MaximumFun.org.