My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 189: Sex Toy Story

Episode Date: February 24, 2014

Hope you're having a great Monday, everyone! On the off chance that you aren't, we're here to boost your spirits with talk of inevitable death, Christmas shoes and then, for good measure, we ruin a Pixar classic. Suggested talking points: Louisiana State Senator Jacob Sweetwater, Fistnanny, A Fleshy Bop-It, 45 Beedrills, The Killing Tree, Glassesface, Scat Invitational, Griffin Considers the End

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello and welcome, my brother, my brother, me, uh, right show for the margin era. I'm your oldest brother, Kevin Spacey. Uh, I'm your, I'm your middle-est brother. Ah, I got nothing.

I'm Louisiana State Senator Jacob Sweetwater. Jen, listen, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few politics eggs. Grieving your drifting into Cosby. Of course, correct. What a, what an honor it is to have, uh, House of Congress. Louisiana State Senator Jacob Sweetwater. Senator Jacob Sweetwater on our program.

You've been privy to some of the machinations of, uh, dog machinations, son. Yeah. Uh, what, what, what do you think is, has changed about Paul? You've always been a senator for, uh, 30 years, uh, and, and you've seen, you know, some of the, the drama and I guess intrigue, uh, that's taking place in Capitol Hill. I just say most folk ain't got the stomach for it. Yeah. I'm saying our countries and states being held by a bunch of.

What the fuck is going on? What is all of this? By a bunch of pussy fingers. What is happening? Man, Travis is good at improv. I think something happens for 20 seconds. He doesn't understand and he starts crying. I don't know what you're referencing.

That's, this is a good to say yes and then say no. Help, help, help, help. I need an adult. Um, I've never, I've seen, I've seen two episodes of house of cards. I shouldn't say I've never seen it. All I remember, oh God, S one E four, S one E eight. Um, I, I don't remember anything about it. Didn't really leave a mark with me.

I know people are all crazy about it, but Kevin Spacey, that's not what you sound like. You know what I mean? Yeah. Why doesn't he just sound like himself? Yeah, he's a liar. You sound imposing already. Like just regular old standard Kevin Spacey basic sounds pretty imposing. I don't understand why you have to sound all Louisiana state Senator Jacob Sweetwater. How sweet would it be in the last episode if he like,

he becomes president of the United States and then he flips a switch and nukes everybody on earth from his secret underground bunker. And then he puts on some sunglasses and says, that's right. This whole time I was K packs flies into a spaceship. It's all been leading up to that. He's spending so many things. Yeah, a lot of things. He's an, he's an American treasure.

You know, we knew someone on that house of cards. Did we? Yeah. Nick Reynolds played a cameraman in an episode. Oh, wow. Yeah. So pretty starstruck. Big ups to Nick Reynolds. If you listen, shout out.

But that's this show isn't for Nick Reynolds. No, it's for you. The listening public. So we can take your queries and turn them alchemy like into wisdom. Let's get started. I travel on a lot of planes, trains, buses and other forms of transportation. When I do so, I like to watch shows on my computer and some other shows have nudity or violence like Game of Thrones, Archer or The Wire.

Assuming there are no children around. Is it okay to watch the kinds of things where other people could maybe see it? And that's from confused coach. You really can't lump those three shows in together because yes, The Wire can be exceedingly violent and Archer can be pretty violent, but only one of those shows has fisting in it. Which I feel like Game of Thrones though at this point has entered into the public zeitgeist enough that someone would see the shit that goes on in that show,

but then go, well, it's Game of Thrones. What would you expect? There are some scenes of nudity that are lengthy enough that I would become uncomfortable if someone in the seat next to me was watching and enjoying them. Well, at that point, you just slightly turn the screen towards them and then just stare into their eyes. She's elbow deep. I watch- I'm sorry, did you just say hubba hubba?

I watched a girl with a dragon tattoo on a plane to America from Germany and- Did you cry? What? Did you cry? At the movie? Yeah. It's not like a sat- you know I said girl with the dragon tattoo, not like the notebook. No, I know.

Okay, I was watching it and there are some pretty uncomfortable scenes in that movie and there was one I tried to fast forward through and I tried to fast forward through it because it was just really, really wrecking my shop and so I fast forwarded through it, but I went way too far in the movie and so I rewound and I rewound back to that scene and I said, oh, fuck, and so I fast forwarded it again and I went way too far again and so I rewound and I rewound right back to that scene again, so I did myself- To a casual observer. To a casual observer, I was like, I wanted to live in that scene.

I wanted to build a summer home in that scene and enjoy it. If there was like a one-sixteenth slow-motion option available on the airplane of UCR, I would have indulged in that scene and just become a resident there. But what's more embarrassing that you did that or that I watched Dark Shadows? I mean, that's- why would that be bad? It's pretty bad movie. I wasn't deeply impressed with it, but everyone sitting on the plane could watch me enjoy Johnny Depp's awful performance in that movie and enjoy what I did.

You know what's funny about that, Joe? I- last time I was- I flew home from Europe, there was a guy one up, one row up, and one to the left of me who was watched- he was like an old guy and he was watching the Lone Ranger and like I could tell like he picked it and I knew it was a bad movie and I felt my heart went out to him because like I had to watch someone watch a bad movie and just like the whole wave of disappointment, the back and forth that they go through when you realize like oh maybe it's not such a bad movie and then later you think oh it's a bad movie I guess. I'm watching this whole thing.

But is that worse than watching someone watch two medieval prostitutes just wail on each other vis-a-vis their whole fists? Well here's the thing, the magical mystery thing about Traffol is like your encounter with these people is so brief in like the great scheme of things. Unless it's a trans- okay yeah maybe in like considering the fullness of- of fucking time. I'm saying think about all the people I was on an airplane with that watched me cry to Dark Shadows right and then- Hey Traff, can we talk about how much you're crying lately?

Because it's like a lot. Listen it's a common phenomenon that when you watch the movies on the plane, I don't know if it's the air pressure or like the oxygen they pump in, but people tend to have stronger emotional reactions to shit that they would not feel in real life. I think if you're watching extended scenes of nudity on a plane it's creepy. I think so too. Personally I think it's- I think it's something you should not do.

The other people around you, I mean even if they're not children like they may just like not appreciate that or maybe like I don't know spoilers you know. There should be software embedded on each plane. I watched Iron Man 3 on a plane and it was like Iron Man 3 plane edition by which I mean all the scenes of helicopters exploding and basically that whole scene where the plane explodes in the sky and Iron Man has to catch all those people are gone and the movie is 40 minutes long. There should be software in the plane that hacks into your iPad and your nexus and your

global tab and it gets in there and it can be called Fist Nanny and if there's a scene of fisting it will automatically- Nanny fist. Nanny fist and it will automatically fast forward through that scene so that you don't upset your your neighbors. How about it? How about it technology? That new Liam Neeson movie is gonna be a weird one to watch on a plane because they

the thing is they won't ever be able to reference that non-stop takes place on a plane so it'll just be very curious as to why he's locked in this small room. Why no one will let him out. Put this tubular room. This tubular room. This kid will be killed. It's on a new sky train. Do you guys want a yahoo?

Please. This yahoo was sent in by Kint Ciri. Thanks Kint. It's by yahoo answers user Katya who asks why do some idiots think toy story is real? Yeah that's right. Toy story is a myth okay? Additional details just to let you know I do love toy story but it's so annoying when people

say it's based on real life. What? Wait. I am I am fucking annoyed at how many people are coming out to me every day. How often is this scenario reoccurring in your life? This happens to me daily Trev. People come up to me and they're like you know Woody was based on my dad and I say was your dad a marionette and also fictional and they just look at me this dark stare like

sort of a blank like probably like your face was when you were watching Dark Shadows. I'm crying. Sort of like a hollowed out sort of hurt hurting deep hurting. Listen he just wanted to be loved you guys but like you've been cursed and he was going through a lot of shit. Sure. His stuff is deep. Now wait when was the last time you saw toy story because I do not think curse is.

Wait he's talking about Dark Shadows again. I'm actually talking about my Dark Shadows story crossover fan. I would imagine that if you really think about toy story that their their sentience is a curse. You know like they become sentient when we're not around. When we are there they lose sentience. They don't they can't be aware of us really because their mind and body shut down whenever we're present right. They lose sentience.

Now Justin I would argue that in fact they are quite aware of us because of the issues with Andy that Woody and Buzz are dealing with. Okay but what can you imagine a more horrifying fate than to be than to to to to to to suddenly be a living corpse unable to perambulate or affect the world around you but instead having to just soak in whatever inhumanity the the gigantic humans can visit on you. Sure. And being powerless to stop. That is what that movie is about.

It's like that show Attack on Titan. You guys watch that that anime. No I'm I'm 33. I think those toys if they had hung around much longer in Andy's life then they basically would have been a bunch of creepy sex watchers right. You know for a fact 100% not a question every character you love from that movie was there the first time Andy masturbates. Every single one of them.

Every. I thought I turned you. It's weird I turned all these guys around. I'm starting to think that they're sentient. Guys what did we just see? Is that a new game? I don't like it. You like the toy?

Huh? He went to infinity and beyond and then a little further than that I would say. It looks like a is that does Mattel make a new fleshy bop it? Like oh guys you sweet sweet angels. Listen Andy's got an itch down there guys apparently and we're the only ones you can help him. Let's go. I would watch that movie before I would watch Plains.

Now toys gather around. I want to introduce you to our new friend Andy. Just bought her. Her name is Fleshlight. Come on Fleshlight. Kill me. Tell me please. I feel some shit.

Cause he's got a big rubbery mouth. It's hard for him to talk. Oh it's a heat. Yeah. Yeah of course. That's the way God made me. Of all the weeks for us not to have an extreme restraints ad. Do you have any advice for a 23 year old female who just started playing putchamon

blue for the first time. I didn't get into it when it was released because I was busy beating getting beat at golden eye. I named the nemesis formerly known as Gary after my older brother. So I could finally kick his ass in a video game pocket monster style. I have no prior Pokemon experience and that's from catch you later. I'm going to step away. No I'm absolutely useless in this department.

Griffin you don't have any Pokemon advice. No but it's like if I went to fucking let me think of a famous athlete real quick. If I went to Peyton Manning. Touchdown Nelson. If I went to Touchdown Nelson. If I went to Frigerator Steven. If I went to Frigerator Steven I was like teach me how to block and football I'd be all right and then he would start like dropping this expert technique on me.

You're saying you can't get your head back down to her level. That's right. Is that what you're saying. I'm so elevated. There are matrices and I just I don't know it's complicated. Get a Pikachu that was pretty good. Plus Griffin doesn't give that advice out for free anymore ever since he started doing his self-help books.

I can help. So you just get them. Get them and I think you use the psychic against the earth and that's pretty good. The best one is B drill. B drill is the best Pokemon that's right. Mathematically it's the best one. You got to get male and female so they can do it. You get more Pokemon from the do it and then you

raise them and you sell them for food. Or you just turn them into food yourself. Just eat your Game Boy. Don't think you should eat your Game Boy. Make sure you leave your Game Boy in the sun so your Pokemon don't get cold. That's right. And so they can if they're plant type they can grow. Bury it in the earth.

Bury it there when they die. All your Pokemon at the daycare walk around completely unarmed. Don't forget to leave your Pokemon in your will. To somebody. That is important. Or they go to the government. You got to release your Pokemon when they start to get old. Because then if you don't they'll die.

And that gets really expensive after a while. Handling all those Pokemon feodorals. You're going to have the federalis done your neck after a grip. Just come on. Oh I mean Pokemon. Don't forget to feed your Pokemon. Pokemon coffins aren't cheap. Yeah and they're all specially sized.

And they're all very specially sized. You think you're a fan of three. I don't see much on the side of animal cops Houston. Where this dude had all these Pokemon and he wasn't feeding them. He just had them tied up out back. And like the cops came in and they collected it. It was 45 Pokemon that they took away from this guy's place. Well he wasn't even close to catching them all.

No. And it was all the same one. It was all B drills. That would be the worst one to collect on mass. He was living in terror. Yeah I can imagine. I would I need a Pokemon. Yeah.

Yeah. Sure. What Pokemon would you guys eat? Ash. Wait a minute. Sorry. Unimemento. No I mean no Travis has a great point.

If every creature in that world is a Pokemon then we can assume that people are are Pokemon. You look at like a Mr. Mime. That's just a guy. That's just like that's just a Mime. That's just a man who's a Mime. Like just because you are that profession silly as it may be. It doesn't give people the right to encapsulate you.

You know what I mean. Doesn't really seem fair. In the back of my girlfriend's house there's a Mamosa tree that she saved from being cut down by a private company. She fought them after they cut down every other tree in her neighborhood's respective backyards to put in a parking lot nobody uses. And saved just this one. The problem is there's one kid who always comes by and climbs,

kicks and breaks the branches off of it. How do we keep this guy from hurting the last green shade they've got? Anthony. Anthony you can't own a tree. Next question. Listen. Read the giving tree. That tree is stoked.

Yeah. Okay. You can't interrupt the cycle of giving tree. Every tree has a boy. Do you think the giving tree is having to be kicked at Heaven's Bridge? What is it giving at that point? I understand.

Oh listen. You need this more than that. Fuck. God. Damn it. Okay. Yep. Nope.

Yep. Nope. You're right. You're right. No. You're right. I deserve that. I brought it on myself.

Here. Have a Mamosa. I watched slavery times and I didn't do anything. I could have spoken up. Yeah. I can't own a tree. You gotta let a tree do with a tree. I mean you want shade from it.

This kid wants to take out his preteen anger. Well first of all, if you're saying we need to rescue this tree for shade, like build a house you goober. Houses are like all. Are you a bird? They're all shade all the time and that's pretty cool. Why is there a kid that has a fucking vendetta against your tree? Because it's the only tree in the neighborhood.

The kid was able to get all the rest of them chopped down. The kid's a captive industry. Yeah. We didn't mention that. Little tycoon. Here's the thing. The way that natural selection and evolution works is that as new enemies develop, the creatures develop defense mechanisms.

If you protect this tree, you are robbing us of man-eating trees in 3,000 years. Yeah. Wow, that's true, Travis. That's a circle of life. Yeah, you gotta let these trees develop their own natural defenses. I think the circle of life terminates once they're man-eating trees because we need them. It is the ultimate catch-22 because we need them to breathe, don't we? We can't just kill all of them because then we're killing ourselves.

That's true. Maybe it's harder to breathe in their neighborhood right now. Definitely is. Maybe that's why this kid is losing his goddamn mind. His kid's not hitting the tree. He's putting his mouth flush with the tree and just like. He's breaking the branches and sucking the oxygen straight out of it. Oh, it's so good right off the tap.

Um, child. Children. They are awful. They are just the worst. Just terrible. Uh, and this, I mean, the solution is right there. I didn't want to spoil the answer, but it's pretty obvious to me what you should do to keep the kid off the tree.

When the kid climbs the tree, you climb the kid. No, you put some jelly on it. No. Put some jelly on the tree, on the branches and on the trunk. He goes to like grab the tree or fuck with it. And he's going to come back with a fistful of tree jelly. What is this? He'll think.

Do you mean sap? Then okay. No, tree jelly. He won't know about sap. He's too young. Oh, fair point. And tree jelly. He'll totally get the concept.

He'll be. Well, Travis, he won't have to be Angela Lansbury. There's jelly on a tree. I didn't have. I'm not the one who said he wouldn't understand the concept of sap. Let me throw this out. Elaborate tree costume. Haunt the kid.

Okay, but that's also like gross. You're going to roll up to his house. You're going to pound on his door late at night. He's going to answer and say, I'm a tree sprite. And you're going to teach him about like the beauty of trees. Travis, please, a spring in please. Okay. Then at the end of the night, kill him.

Wait a minute. No, hold on. No, that's a perfect crime. How many kids do you think died because of tree-related injuries every year? You can just write that one off. Because the detectives come and they're like, let me see, sap, a little bit of tree jelly around the window frame. Yeah, it looks like another tree.

God damn it. Got another one. Well, we need him to live, so there's nothing really you can really do about it. Trees. How scary is that scene in Poltergeist, by the way? When the tree kills the kid? He doesn't. I mean, that kid should be dead.

Can we all agree about that? I always thought that that was sort of bullshit that they just sort of like pull him out of the clutches of the tree and he's like, no, I'm all right. Like that tree looked super scary, super deadly. It could have killed you like a hundred times over and it didn't. Nice try, spirits. Put your back into it. Kill a kid for once, why don't you?

For once. You guys want a yahoo? Sure. This yahoo is sitting by your Davenport Emerald member. Thank you, Drew. It's by Yahoo Answers user Ashley who asks, I need new kind of sad songs from the heart for teens to listen to. Any ideas?

One more time? I need new kind of sad songs from the heart for teens to listen to. See, I love this because it's not asking for new songs. It's asking for a new kind of song. Like sad dubstep. Sad dubstep. Can I get some dark shadows, ballads? What if you listen to Christmas shoes but also at the same time

because that's too sad? Listen to shaggies, it wasn't me underneath it at the same time. It was the shoes. It was her shoes. It's a song about dying. Picture this, she was dying from cancer. And my mommy's got the cancer. So get some shoes.

She's gonna be walking with Jesus. So buy the shoes. I don't have enough money. Just steal the shoes. Yeah, daddy, I got her some red shoes. Jesus over to walk on the floor. Picture this, we were both butt naked. Like no, why?

Wait, why were you both? And CBS showed up. So buy the shoes. And they got her an attention. So buy the shoes. What? I mean, there were some fucking classic sandbys back in the day. I don't know if anybody's still making music like that

because I don't think it's... Is Bone Touch and Harmony still making music? Not really sad. That song didn't bump me out? No, yes. See you at the crossroads made me sad every time. I'm saying see you at the crossroads is beautiful because it's kind of sad but it's also like,

yeah man, you know, I'll see you at the crossroads. But I miss my little child, y'all. That is what it's like. I miss my little child, y'all. You know the song that made me sad all the time, only kind of sad when I was a teen? That worked for me was Time After Time by Miss Indy Lockhart. Did it really?

Ooh, that one will get to me. Well, I prefer to the Matchbox 20 version, but that's fine. Oh man, that one will touch me deep down. That one gets to me. Is there something in the content of the song? Or is it do you like in it back to like a sad memory? Sad, it's sad. Musically, it's sad.

The key, it's in a sad key. Yeah, what is it? Jay, it's in the key. It's in the key. I put this in a depressed Jay. There's always the cure, I guess. Yeah, they got some sad jams. I just don't think any, I don't think,

all the music nowadays is all just like fun and like, well, fun by the band Fun. And they don't make sad songs really. What do teens, do teens want to listen to sad music? I don't, see that's big. I think teens want to listen to music. No, teens want to listen to music and mashups. And like back in the, I feel like getting sad was like,

all the music, like Damien Rice came out and like set the world on a sad fire. What about a, what's that? Where, where can my baby be? Last kiss. Last kiss, ooh, that's a sad one. Yeah. Yeah, that one always bummed me out because it existed.

What about, what about, I can't make you love me by Miss Bonnie Rice? Oh, fuck. Come on. That one'll get you, ooh. Is Joe William kind of sad? What's up? Colleen is sad, but it's also so good

that it gets you pumped, you know? What about Love on the Rocks by Sir Neil Diamond? Uh, that's not bad. Oh, the theme song does step by step. Sometimes I worry that, okay, wait a minute, landslide. Next question. That one's, that one's answered. Tears in Heaven.

Can I tell you guys an honest story about Tears in Heaven? Is it gonna be, is it gonna be you making fun of Tears in Heaven because like, I don't think that'll play very well. I'm making fun of myself. I was, uh, I had a screen that popped out of my, um, but that, that was a great story, Justin. A screen that popped out of my window, just like the top half came out

and I was trying to get it back in and I should have just let it be, but I couldn't, I, I couldn't let it just be there because I'm having a child and I was obsessed with the idea that my child would, would, would Tears in Heaven and I couldn't let it, I couldn't let it go. It like, I don't know.

It really got to me for some reason. Like that song got stuck in my head. I was like, I can't let this happen. I have to fix this screen. It's really important, but I just shut the window. You know that babies aren't gonna like. I know, I know. But what if I forgot the screen was broken?

I couldn't handle it. What if the screen fell on your kid and then it laid on top of him and he like wriggled around and he like cheese grated himself. Or what if like because of that screen, your kid didn't get into a good college. I don't want to think about this anymore. I really, really do need it. Come on.

Get on now. Get on in there. Get on now. Come on. Move along now. We had to raise ourselves some campaign file now. Jacob Sweetwater. Why are we at Parker's?

A new concept in our way. Contemporary eyeglasses. They're extremely affordable and they're fashioned forward. You're going to have to take that from them. I would not trust me to tell you it's fashion. Just what fashion is in general. Right now I'm wearing a shirt from Tybee Island that says island time state of mind.

I cannot be trusted. It's we're supported by Warby Parker, who's a friend of ours with a new concept in glasses. They're most glasses are too expensive and that makes them terrible because you can't wear them without being scared they're going to break or something. But Warby Parker, you get these really hot fashion forward prescription glasses and they just cost 95 bucks.

Now here's the thing about Warby Parker that makes them cool. They have this like home try on program where you get five pairs of glasses and they send to your house. You pick out five pairs that you're into. They send it to your house. You try them all on. You ask your friends, what is this? How does this make me look like?

Does this make me look smart? Well Dylan like these. And then you put the ones you don't want back in our box and you ship them off to them and you for free. It's not even a big deal. And maybe Dylan won't like them. And then you just do it again. And then you put Dylan in the box and you ship Dylan back

to Warby Parker and you say, okay Dylan, while you're there just pair up something you do like for God's sakes. And Joy, Warby Parker, now you have a Dylan. They have a prescription polarized lenses for 150 bucks and for everyone they sell, they give a pair of glasses that somebody need. That's crazy. So go to warbyparker.com slash my brother and you're going to get

three day shipping for free on those five free home try on frames. There were a lot of words in there though. No, no, no. It was a tongue twister. Ryan, okay. I'm out there trying. And you think about that. You're listening to this on Monday probably.

If you do this right now, you could have new shades by Friday. Don't even worry about it because we hooked you up. WarbyParker.com slash my brother. A one word obviously. And then that's one of the things. If you end up using this because we told you to, let us know. Like tweet that us, send a picture of your new sweet frames. Yeah.

And include WarbyParker in it because that makes us look like fucking big deals. Okay. So you're dying. Yep. Oh, shit. Sorry. I didn't mean to break it to you guys this way. You're dying.

And the thing about that is you don't care what happens to most of your earthly positions, but I have a question for you friends. As you slowly or speedily, there's no way of knowing a sin towards that golden reward. I almost, on the other side of the beyond. I ate almost an entire Domino's Pizza by myself yesterday. Okay. So you're in this kind of a little quicker.

You could only be dead by dawn. Choo choo. Let's hope Griffin makes it to the end of the episode, but here's the question. Friends that I know it's not one we like to confront, but what happens to your Pokemon when you're gone? I take them with me. No, you can't take it. Like Egyptian style.

I want to be buried with my Pokemon. I want to be buried with your Pokemon. But even if you do want to be buried with your Pokemon, you're going to have to leave some specific instructions and the only people who can help you do that is Legal Zoom. When I die, let's just talk about this. Let's just get this over with. When I die, I want my entire spirit to be turned into code and then uploaded

into a Pokemon game. There it is. Is that so much fast? That's what it is. Don't burn my body. Don't scatter my ashes. Just leave my corpse on the ground. That's not me anymore.

Legal Zoom helps you incorporate or form an LLC with their simple questionnaire starting at $99. You have to build a company, right? If you want to build a company, Legal Zoom can help you out in that. But more importantly for our current discussion, you can create a will starting at just $69 or even a living trust quickly and easily and get peace of mind and protection. Now, I know it's uncomfortable to think about this sort of thing, but imagine the fun of, I think it would be worth the $69 just to have a will in your possession that dictates

what happens to your Pokemon in the event of your death. Like you could just have that and pull it out. Especially if you make that and then completely forget about it. And like 50 years from now, your loved ones are all bereft and they're sitting there for the reading of the will. And then they get to this section on Pokemon. I was like, God, that asshole. And they don't know what Pokemon is because they're future people, so they think it's valuable,

so they start to hunt looking for it. Whoa. Then they find it and then they turn on the cartridge. And they're like, oh, this is a pretty fun game. And then on Route 6, they're wandering around in the tall grass. And then a wild griffin macro appears. It's my spirit. It's been encoded to the cartridge.

Now, LegalZoom is not a law firm, but they can connect you with a third-party attorney and provide you with self-help services. And for even more savings, I know those prices already seem low. They seem low to me. I'm 33, but in many ways, I'm a child. So if you had asked me how much a will cost before this commercial, I would have said probably $8 or a million. So these prices are already great.

But for more savings, you can type mybrother into their referral box and check out. Don't put this stuff off. It's not fun to think about, but just go do it. Go get your Pokemon sorted out. Go to LegalZoom.com now and use the coupon code mybrother. Hey, guys, when I die, would you sprinkle my ashes on Cuever's other one without him knowing it? Well, he sleeps a little bit every night. Just sneak up behind him and kind of put a little in his hair.

And he's like, what was that? Like what? My dandruff is really bad lately. Dammit, Chloe. This special message is for Midge, and it's from a retired sea captain. Terrific. A retired sea captain says, since that night, I called you a dummy at the green. Come on.

You can get me a voice. But I mean, what am I going to do? Like, give me a voice. Give me a damn voice, Griffin. Since that night, I called you a dummy at the green mill and told you something else, too. I knew nothing was better than you. Two kittens laughing together at Griffin describing shoplifting. I love you.

Retired, not disgraced sea captain. Ah, yeah, that's it. Since that night, I called you a dummy at the green mill and told you something else, too. I knew that nothing was better than you. Two kittens and laughing together, Griffin describing shoplifting. I love you. Your regular voice does sound a lot like a sea captain. That's true.

Congratulations on your love, Midge, and retired sea captain. I got a question for you. Have you ever wondered about the value of placing an ad on a popular podcast like Mabinbam? Yes. You want to know if it's right for your business? Here's a hint. probably listen to episode 26 and not a real job to hear how successful their ad was and you could subscribe to hear marketing and writing advice for small

business artists entrepreneurs and more visit notarailjob.com slash mb mb a you know it's fascinating they we had such a big response to not a real job yeah like lots of people listen to that it's a podcast about you know marketing and an advice and we had a huge response from people who listen to it and like really enjoyed it was really I um so I guess background we did an ad for them like three or four episodes ago and so they did a whole episode about the return on that investment and I listened to it it was really like it was super interesting like I think if you're a fan of podcasts and you know you hear a lot

of advertising it would be fascinating but as a fucking the person who made that shit like hearing hearing how it actually works for the people who advertise on our show is like I don't know it's super super fascinating so yeah check that check that out I'm Cameron Esposito and each week I'm joined by my fellow podcasters Rhea Butcher that's me and Ricky Carmona I am Ricky Carmona we talk about action and sci-fi movies on a little show called Wham Bam Pow you can find it on MaximumFun.org it's amazing super fun true that reviews news and stuff you can use

I'm a 20 year old male in college and I want to start wearing prescription less glasses my eyes work fine I just know that if I wear a pair that suit me I can look pretty damn good sadly my girlfriend thinks that this is the quote douchiest idea I have ever had if I plan to wear them just what I need to look a little more swab and smart exam party etc is this socially and morally sound or should I just be thankful for the 2020 this is from born to be bespectacled listen we've all all of us with great vision like myself I have willed the fates to dim these perfect jellies so many so just so I can have some cool

looking glasses and you know what friends it just maybe it's cuz I wear gunner shades protect me gunner optics protect your gamer from gamer rays maybe it's that I don't know but I have wanted this and there's just no way of doing let me break it down as to why I think it is usually referred to as douchey you didn't put in the time I put in the time and wearing the glasses since second grade yeah they're cool fucking now yeah and they weren't cool but any time before now it's like what I don't want to see is like 50 years from now like the the the new look is like those corrective like leg braces and people

perfectly fine legs sure them like you assholes no that's a great that's a great a comparison can I have designer crutches cuz I think it'll make me seem erudite can I can I carry around a designer colostomy bag that's non functioning glasses or face crutches yeah you're mocking the handicapped think about that and the thing is you can then take them off and not have to wear them anymore I cannot if I do that I can no longer drive you'll like blackface it's glasses face it's a juicy shiny face it's super super not like blackface like basically blackface it's basically blackface it's basically in short like

just exactly blackface with all those socio-economic group precautions of that parallel it is exactly the same thing okay super not but I've been basically is exactly I wish for glasses too because I think it would help me to pull my look together yeah but try to think two steps ahead this is my thing for 20 forward I think that people should be I think it's important to think forward too don't just think about the now think two steps ahead when someone asks you oh you wear glasses too why do you wear glasses and then I know that doesn't seem like a super likely conversation but you never

know where the the occurrence of someone saying how strong your glasses here let me try them on is like it's pretty damn common do you guys know that ever since I was very young I have always harbored a secret suspicion that sometime I would try on someone else's glass oh that's the dream and my right vision would suddenly be like better than it is and I can I tell you though perfect I tell you that is actually what happened to me I was like yeah let me see your glasses let me try those on and I tried them on I was like holy fuck I can see through walls is this how it was supposed to be the whole time and I went and got a

vision test they're like yeah dog your shit is jacket you have like no cones in there and so I it's all wrong it's all wrong what's going on I have dog eyes basically and so they I got glasses and now they're back to back to normal so that's where contacts fuck no sometimes girlfriend could you even do that touch my eyeball nope like every day yeah I couldn't when I was a child then I took the vision test to determine if I needed glasses I wanted glasses so bad that for like the next six years I was so worried that I'd skewed the test just it like I was like do I really need these are today and then like I realized like oh no I

do because I'm blind without yeah because I can't see shit now one thing you could do is you could start wearing prescription glasses because I heard that Elton John started wearing prescription glasses to look like Buddy Holly and eventually he needed them to see like his eyes adjusted so that he needed them yeah so I guess what I'm saying I would call that put in the time yeah you commit to it to messing up your eyes or just like throw some acid in your eyes yeah don't do that don't do that no one eye one eyeball one eye yeah that's fine and then you can wear a monocle and that's like four times a

school's glasses I can you wear cosmetic contact lenses can you wear like non-prescription contact lenses only if they're clear yeah no no no I'm not talking about like fucking now my now my eyeballs look like playing card spades like no it just just regular old old contact so now I'm not allowed to wear my my spade contacts anymore no you can wear David spade contacts that make your eyes look like David spades eyes which are the most beautiful eyes God ever created I have contacts that actually make my eyes look like little David spades little David spades they're so sad it's haunting they're like the

time after time of eyes my dear friend has asked me to officiate his upcoming wedding however I'm not exactly qualified and pretty sure he only asked me to do a conflict with the brother for the position of best man anyway God ordained for like eight bucks but I still have no idea what I'm doing what should I do during this most sacred ceremony with a captive audience full of loved ones that's from makeshift minister you know who crushed this our papa our papa Clint McRoy married me away gave me away did it without crying too I thought that fool was gonna blubber like Danny Glover no he kept his

he kept it on lock in fact I was actually a little disappointed by his total stone-faced lack of emotion he was crying down the back of his throat he was in there inwardly crying you know it was great he actually was he had to sit in a corner after the ceremony for 30 minutes and just cry to get it all because he'd stored it up and it was like drowning it was a hard cry it was an unattractive weep I tell you the thing that dad did that I was really impressed by that I think is he did a little bit of scat in the middle he farted pleasantly what no they said it couldn't be done yeah they he didn't make it

about himself like he made it about like he gave them a ceremony that would make them happy and I think when you have a captive audience like that I know this would be hard for me is like to make the ceremony like the Justin McRoy show like hey you're gonna listen me talk for 15 or 20 minutes like strap in cuz I've I love this attention I need it you know I tell you what our efficient Jeremy Dubin like we had a couple meetings with him where we just sat down and he was like so what you know what kind of ceremony do you want and like we said well we'd like to have this kind of thing and we've seen this at a wedding

before and we'd like to try that and a little bit of scat in the middle but it was like you know that way we got a pretty customized wedding ceremony that was exactly what we wanted you know I mean instead of like I'll surprise you yeah I think actually that's great advice Travis the best thing you could do I think is talk start talking now to the bride and groom about sort of what sort of ceremony would make them the happiest because if you can serve them not only will that make them really happy but the ceremony is gonna feel like them which I think for both of you guys like that was one of the things that I

really liked about both of your weddings is they felt like you like they they it didn't feel like a ceremony made for someone somebody else they felt very specific to you guys and I know it sounds like I'm trying not to cry but I'm actually trying not to burp so romance if all else goes you could do like some 90s stand-up comedy yeah what is the deal with food at weddings good because it's wedding make sure you get super jesus II lean really really you're gonna feel revelation shit yeah no getting get deep down revelations bust out like a versa to a Leviticus you're

gonna feel an urge to not do that because they're gonna tell you explicitly not to do that you just got to push through just got to push through their demands and requests also just know that wedding guests love it when you run long love it love it love it love it they love it if you get on if you get on a free will and jazz odesty just talk about the Jesus talking about Jesus maybe do a quick invitational nothing like you don't want it to be like more about Jesus than the people who are getting married but if you wanted to just a quick invitational and see if anybody's if you need them to step out

of the way feel free to ask you know I mean if they're in your way if they're slowing down your role just ask the bride and groom to kind of step to the side while you scat a little bit and the best place to do your scat invitational is right after they've exchanged rings and valves but right before you say I now pronounce you man I'm white just to really give it that drop at the end just like one last trial that everybody has to go through and then we can you know go go drink it would also be great if you could arrange something like have have a plant in the audience that you've like built a skit

into that's fun a fun skit everybody loves skits middle mid-ceremony do an entire Easter pageant had something you can do complete with crucifixion scene and then wait three days and now I my wife before in a weird coincidence my wife before we got married actually came to our church a couple times and she was she's a Catholic when she found out about about the invitation when she witnessed that firsthand she was horrified yeah because suddenly there's a like there it's confusing with when you go to Catholic Church because there's a lot of there's a lot of moves and choreography that everybody else seems

to know that you don't know so it could be a little you know you can feel a little lost at and I would sort of resented that like well it's so easy at my church you just kind of hang but city pointed out to me and it's very good point at our church there was a moment where have you stood up at the wrong time your whole life is over if you still have the wrong time you have to like that rededicate your life to Jesus and join the church or something not only that my favorite thing about the invitation is when sometimes you didn't get a response for anyone so they would just kind of keep the music keep it

going keep it going keep going and then like I feel like there's someone out there who's ready to commit what whatever was always great is there would always be a guy especially if like at like when you had more like Pentecostal type people at you know more more of that like very enthusiastic snake eaters snake eater no there's a word I'm looking for not enthusiastic but Ecclesiastic Ecclesiastic I don't know but you would have people who would stretch it out like youth camps and stuff and they would always say something like listen I I know that this has been going on for a while but I just feel the Holy Spirit is

telling me somebody write it out and somebody else needs to come up here and get right with the Lord like that the spirits tell me that and then inevitably no one else would come up and which beg the question for me and began sewing some rather unpleasant seeds of doubt so was the Holy Spirit just like I'm a bad I'm telling you like a casino like no no no no no I got this here come the turn all right all right all right all right that was that was the best the dismount from that stance of like well all right then see y'all next Sunday oh good to have a safe drive home okay all right cool anyway do all

that during the wedding gonna be a hit gonna be a great wedding we're gonna hit like a record we're actually going to go through all of our questions on our questions list for this episode people can't get mad at us anymore about not doing enough questions because we're doing more questions so those so keep in your face I have difficulty talking about my feelings my girlfriend is not happy about this particularly in that sometimes she's angry about it and I don't blame her one of my big hang-ups is trying to explain my feelings with accuracy and exactness and with feelings being what they are I end up at a loss

for words brothers how do I do a better job expressing how I feel that's from Gmail flashcards boy three former Baptist you have come to the right place see you say that but I have no problem expressing my feelings at any given time at the drop of a hat I'll just do it because for me it's entirely I mean I cry often and freely yeah but I mean that's a disorder that's not really an expression of your feelings because you could be crying and be like pretty psyched yeah I call I have what the doctors call full eyes my my problem a lot of times and I've I've only learned this as I gotten older is that I a lot of times I

don't know how I feel like I don't until I talk about it and like say the wrong thing several times like trying to get it's like a mystery I'll be I'll know something's up but I won't know what it is that I'm feeling I'm not in touch with those feelings and that could be part of your problem that you're just not unless you're talking about it with somebody and like trying to work through it a lot of times I don't know exactly what I'm feeling for the longest time whenever like people talked about having trouble expressing their emotion I I really thought that what they were saying was like they would feel sadness and then

some of they're okay and they would go yep yep and and now I'm I'm starting to suspect that really what's going on is like because you're so I don't know if it's caught up in it or denying it like you don't really a lot of like since I've been with Teresa I've gotten better at expressing emotions because instead of just like swallowing down or not acknowledging it like as we'll talk about it I'll say out loud like I want you to know that I am feeling angry right now and this is why you know so I don't think it has to be emotional in your sharing of your emotions sometimes it's just being honest and just saying like

right now in this moment I am annoyed because of this or like hey I just want you to know I'm really enjoying this moment you know and oh yeah say it like that too that's good because I'll give her that not quite human vibe I'm just saying as a start like you don't want to like jump in feet first into like sad town and no I'm just I for me it's not that easy like I don't like a lot of times I don't know like I'll be short with somebody right or I'll be I'm I know I'm not having as much pleasure as I normally do and I don't know why and for me that can be hard because I don't want to say I'll end up saying stuff

that I don't actually feel just like trying to get to something that feels I want pleasure just pleasure I need pleasure pleasure pleasure you know but I don't think I all I'm saying is that in any kind of communication that you are inexperienced with you guys start off you know small and practice it you don't want to just like jump in to be in the dude who is constantly like crying got to work out to have in full eyes you can't just cry all the time or it's weird got to work up to it until everyone just accepts that you're that dude who's moved by particularly strong episodes of

family matters the other the other thing is you got to be careful about when you're if you're not sure like what your feelings are you got to be careful to figure that stuff out before you start talking about start talking to the person who may have created those feelings like if I try to work through my feelings with my wife she knows that I'm a dummy and she'll try to covertly subliminally slip in when I might be upset about like I don't know sweetheart you've been really frustrated maybe you're angry at yourself for never closing the cabinets ever and maybe you should do that from time to time and to

see how that goes so that's how much of your anger is cabinet based how much of anger is centered on cabinets and leaving them open all the time and never closing them you guys ever do that because I do it I know I'm an adult yeah I'm supposed to be an adult yeah I don't like it when like bugs get on my place because I eat on those I mostly I just take a lot of naps naps are like train stops for your emotions I need time to get on and off when it gets a little bit too too real a little bit too hyphy in my life my life II I'll just take a quicker quick naparoo like you know what it worked when I was four and I'm

20s 26 now and it still works pretty goddamn well and I wake up and my wife is like how are you doing and the answer is always great I guess you know my wife has just taught me I had no idea like so much of my emotions are hunger based like I had no idea like we I think we were we were in Louisville like we stopped for lunch was like a really late lunch at like three o'clock and I'm eating a sandwich usually like you feel better it's like yeah what wait why she's like well you've just been kind of frustrated for the last two hours I was like oh no this is because we couldn't find a place to just like no it's cuz

you're hungry like oh you're right you got me needed sandwich the dose of vitamin sandwich we are a bunch of fucking eat beasts yeah we're a bunch of monsters I don't have like I really do think I don't have that many complex emotions I don't want to sound like I'm like a free spirit or whatever over here but like I never feel like I have emotions that are too complex to describe it usually really is like how are you Griffin I don't kind of bored like I'm not joking like I'm not like I've just been thinking about death a lot like it's really mostly like I don't know cat woke me up last night so I'm a little bit

sleepy well that could be the problem girlfriend you I think about death a lot you should think about death and okay well hold on hold on no no let me give it a shot oh my god it's all gonna stop one day it's all just gonna stop one day oh no no no no that's what your 30s are like I'm not gonna be here one day it's just gonna stop I need a nap it's a good thing to do during a wedding ceremony you would sit to I've known you your whole lives you're so perfect for each it's all gonna stop one day no no no I've had that exact like a mid-episode we talk

about like ghost horses and shit I'm like yeah another thing about I actually had that conversation with someone last night we're the ones that distract you from death who is to distract us no one yeah well that's all the distraction I'm going to see the Lego movie it's gonna wash the fucking taste of this episode right out my mouth where that's all the distraction you get for this week you can start the episode over again just save off the the darkness for a bit longer thank you to everybody tweeting about the show like Moogie Reagan Bryn Muthaney Vaughn Penpin Nick Van der Steen Garrett Smith retweeted

mbmbam wisdom if you don't follow that account they just crossed 3,000 followers it's just mbmbam quotes you'll enjoy it Britain peel Jeannie Leslie Jonathan Scott Ackerman listen guys did you know that they're trying to get a space jam to made that's the thing that a lot of you brought to our attention and we really appreciate that Laura Stratford Jeff Kroll so many others thank you for tweeting about our program I don't know how I feel I don't know how I feel about the jam to the jam revisiting you feel very good about I feel great that's right I always just couldn't find the right words for it I want to thank John

Rodgers in the long winters for the use of our theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed it's a it's great all their albums are great check that one out check out when I pretend to fall they're all super good thank you John and the long winters and I want to say thanks again to legal zoom you know think about death you go to legal zoom make yourself a will legal zoom is not a law firm but provides self-help services at your specific direction really if you haven't checked it out go check it out and use the discount code my brother for all of your death savings needs put us in your will put us in your well and

we'll mention you on the show that's a terrible idea I wonder if like legal zoom listens to these episodes and goes man they really just kind of focus on that death aspect a lot yeah they really hit that had hit that death note real hard I go check out the other shows they'll provide you with other distractions from your your mortality go check out the goose down check out bull's-eye check out Jordan Jesse go judge John Hodgman throwing shade saw bones out lots of good ones there's there's so many Jesus and they just announced max the boat party biz 2014 yeah it's exciting yes go check that out and Max fun drive

is coming up so start you know warming up your checkbooks start revving up your checkbooks start practicing your signature yeah no we'll have lots of extra bonus shit so that we need to produce when are we gonna produce that bonus shit guys all right you guys want to find a yahoo please this final yahoo was sent in by Colton Burke thank you Colton it's by yahoo answers user Alan Alda fan who asks what religion is Tim Allen I'm just a macro I'm Travis McRoy my brother my brother me can I get in there can I get it can I get a fucking word in edge-wise I'm Griffin McRoy and this has been my brother my brother and me

kissed your dad's grand ellipse how does it feel you piece of shit maximum fun or comedy and culture artist owned listener supported this is Ben and I'm Teresa and we host a show called one bad mother a comedy podcast about parenting not a parenting podcast guess what we both just had babies again check out the show enjoyed by breeders and ballers alike on iTunes or maximum fun org