My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 190: Pastamization

Episode Date: March 3, 2014

This week features a very special guest: Sick Travis. He's filling in for regular Travis, who's out sick. You might know Sick Travis from his work on the hit podcast My Sick Brother, My Brother and Me, and also from Home Improvement, where he played a series-long recurring character. Suggested talking points: Snow Dogs CGI, Three Ninjas vs. Tony Jaa, Pasta Pre-Production, Red Light Run, Fireworks Bathroom, Adult Wampum, Rat Birthday

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother. My brother being an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother Travis McElroy. I'm your babyist baby brother Griffin McElroy. Look at all the stars. Look at the stars. Look at the stars. The stars and the red carpet.

In fact this year, the red carpet's in Destin. Come on down to Biaston. Sorry, Biaston? Oscar's 2014 edition, Boy. Boy. Yeah, so it's Oscar's time for the awards. Movies, let's celebrate them. Come on. Movies and their makers and the people who do them. These dream weavers. These dream weavers and magic makers. Warlocks of celluloid. No one knows how movies are made. They squish it. The actors press up against the celluloid in the positions that they are supposed to be in, and that's what a director does. How many of the Academy Award nominated pictures have you guys seen and enjoyed?

Okay, important real question. How many things is Thor 2 nominated for? Because that was the only movie I saw in theaters this year. Wow, that bumps me out to a huge degree. Listen, when you're talking about awards shows, you get into a lot of opinion. So I think in order to make our way through this conversation, we should start with just the facts. So like, for instance, I'll start with Gravity's the only good movie that came out last year. Hachimachi, I don't see, I don't. Was it better than Thor 2? It was a li- It edged it out just barely. Oh, it was so close. Like, go down the list to all the other films and like, 12 Years a Slave, I don't know, some of those shots went on a little long. Filomena, what they don't explain what the title means ever in

the movie. Wolf of Wall Street, 8 Too Many Breasts in that film. 8 Too Many Breasts? How many breasts did he eat? That's a thing he goes mad with money power. And he just used the breasts off women because he's a wolf. Yeah, the werewolf of Wall Street. Wait guys, hold on, this is going to be a thing. The weird thing about that movie is that it didn't have any wolves in it. And I think that's probably my biggest disappointment. I have my like, favorite t-shirt that has a wolf on it. I was like wearing it and I was ready. And I was like, I had told Sydney before, I thought it was so funny. I said, I think this is going to be a howling good time. Yeah. And then there was no wolves. And I was like, oh, okay. Kind of misleading. How long do we have to wait before

we can do a remake? With a wolf in it? Yeah. A wolf in a suit? I'm okay, it's just a cameo. We have to wait just long enough for wolves to evolve where they will like, listen and do anything we say. Anything at all. Just do what we tell you to do, wolf. Just fucking come on. White Fang, that was the only one and he wasn't even a wolf, was he? No, he was like a husky, I think. Balto, that was an animated feature, wasn't it? Also not a wolf? Iron will. Iron Fang? No, I think Iron Tooth. Okay. Snow Dogs. Snow Dogs. Snow Dogs, okay. Snow Dogs passed over again for any awards, any recognition. It's actually up for best makeup. Oh, okay, good. I thought. Well, they did a great job making that one dog look like Cuba Gooding Jr. I thought Andy

Circus was so good as those wolves. As all the wolves. Movie Fever, we've got it. Oscars coming up. Make sure you get your picks in to us when you're listening to this, which is the day after the Oscars. Just send us 10 bucks. You should have a real advantage. Send 10 bucks in with your ballot and we will have that. We'll just have it after that. We'll have that $10 in perfect. Thus completes the transaction. Thank you for the money in advance and to hold up our end of the bargain, we're going to help you with some advice. I started attending marital arts classes. How does it work? What goes where? Grab your wife by the ankles and dip her head in paint. How does one wife? I started attending martial arts classes for the first time a couple years

ago. I love it. And in the last few months, I have finally started to feel as though I can really identify as a martial artist. My problem is that it seems weird to talk about this hobby that involves hurting people and or throwing them to the ground. Brothers, when, if ever, is it socially acceptable to talk about martial arts? That's from White Belt in the Bible Belt, which is when you're getting mugged, when you're good before you get mugged preferably. Well, how do you, okay. The mugging interaction begins when somebody like pulls a knife or gun or a sharp pocket. When you see someone that looks like a mugger. Oh, great. This is great. So go ahead and list off. Are you saying, sir or madam? Because we're not sexist here.

Travis, Justin, I want you to start listing off some characteristics of what muggers look like. Begin. A flat cap. Begin and don't stop until I tell you to stop. Okay. They have a flat cap. Terrific. They have a grisly sort of like half beard. They have scars. They're holding a lead pipe. They are a very large, very rotund. You could have just described like a construction worker or plumber. They're kind of like a construction worker or plumber, but they have a cigar stub. And they call you Mack. They say, hey, Mack. You are just going on the line. Are you talking about a mugger or someone who's trying to intimidate me for the mob? Yeah, a little bit of, yeah, it's all the same thing. Okay. But yeah, that's what a mugger looks like. Wow. Okay.

My perfect mugger. Where's a black mask. He's got a black and white striped shirt. And maybe he's holding a gun and like a bag with a money sign on it. And he's got a, the ball and chain like around his ankle, right? That's my ideal mugger. And maybe he's like in the process of like running away, but he's frozen in place and there's a little dust cloud coming out from behind him. Yeah. Griffin, who's your ideal mugger? I would just, I would have to say Bradley Whitford. Yeah, it seems like you could talk to him, you know? Yeah, I would. And you know he's just doing it to like support his family? Sure. No, he has his reasons. There's probably a stigma about adults just getting into martial arts. Like, don't get me wrong. If you are like an

adult who is already sick at martial arts, that's pretty fucking cool. Tony Ja, what's up Tony Ja? I don't think that it is just relegated to martial arts because I think that's true of like, if you were an adult who was just getting into skateboarding, like if you're Tony Hawk, you're awesome. If you're like 35 year old dude who's like, I'm going to try skateboarding for the first time. Sure. You're going to have to do that in private for a while. Or if you're like, I'm going to take up break dancing. You know what I mean? All right. Have we had this conversation before? I'm getting the weirdest deja vu right now. No, it's because adult skateboarders. Travis and I had to talk you out of beginning to take Mu Tai classes. I saw the raid and I really want to

get into Indonesian martial arts. I don't think that that's so wrong. Why wouldn't you? It's a weird scene because I have a lot of questions about how adults start getting into martial arts. Question number one, is there an adults only martial arts class? Because if not, that's not especially fair. Like, come here you 12 year old little sweaty fuck. It seems like it would really give you an over-inflated sense of your abilities. Yeah, except for three ninjas. Hi, that exists. Shit, you're right. So I don't think it's that big of an advantage. Three ninjas versus three Tony Jaws. Go. Tony Jaws because he's a robot. Yeah, he's the strongest man on earth. So was the youngest three ninja. That's damn it, you're right. They don't make kids. They don't make kids that cute.

I mean, they do make them. They manufacture them in Hollywood. What do you guys think that Rocky Colt and Tom Tom are doing at this moment? Searching Wikipedia for the names of the three ninjas, I would assume. No, I need that off the top of my head. I think that it's not that it's weird so much as I don't think anybody gives a shit. And it's not just martial arts. I just don't think that anybody you say you want to know about like you don't nobody wants to hear about what's going on in your life. They want to talk about themselves. No, the appropriate time to answer the question. The appropriate time to bring it up is when someone asks. Yeah, or in conversation, if someone starts talking about martial arts, then I think it's okay to lean into it there.

But how often does that that guy's going to be like, oh, my God, thank God. Oh, man, I've been wanting to talk to you about this for a while. Holding his breath for the last like five minutes as they slowly started talking about hobbies. I mean, does anyone kick for a hobby? I mean, if you're doing it so you can tell people that you're doing it, then you're doing it for the wrong reasons. I think you're doing it for yourself. So to bring yourself peace of mind, maybe a little physical fitness. And in that context, you know, you can keep it to yourself. It doesn't need to be anybody else's. Justin, let me counterpoint. I'm sorry to interrupt. But if it's something that he's just started doing, he's really excited about, of course,

he wants to share it with people because it's on the new and exciting in his life. And I don't think he's necessarily doing it to tell people about it so much as it is an awesome new thing that he's like, guys, I'm doing this and it makes me totally happy. Moreover, Justin, let's go down the line of all the hobbies that I know that you have picked up in the past year. Fuchigi, juicing, amateur beer brewing. Got on that for a bit. Now, Griffin, where was geocaching in there? Geocaching. Now, let me twist this background on you, right? If I had not talked about that, would you have had that list of throw in my face? I believe my point is made. I'm saying the only point I'm trying to make is that there is definitely a stigma to adults

just getting into it. If next time we're all three in town and dad's like, oh, boys, I'm meant to tell you that I'm a brown belt in Taekwondo, we would be like, hey, pops, that's fucking crazy. And then he would throw us across the room. He would use our own way to against us like water. Our dad is like water. He's the water, water avatar. What's that? What's they call him in water avatar? In avatar? This is a water man. He uses a water and he bends it. You guys want a yahoo? Yes. I don't think you really do. I do. I do. I do. This yahoo is sent in by Joe Smith. Thanks, Joe. It's by Yahoo Answers user Poncho Crook who asks, how long will the people at Olive Garden grate your cheese or ground your pepper? They say, say when if you want them to stop

grounding your pepper, what happens if you never say when? You own them. You own the Olive Garden? They have to stay with you the whole time in your life. You carry the bowl with you. I mean, they'll run up. It's a life debt. Yeah. It's not infinite cheese, right? As much as that, don't get me wrong. That's the dream. Well, you have to tell them to do it super slowly. Not so fast. What's your rush? How well I know when to say when. Where's the fire? Hey Daniel, where's the fire? On occasion, I say you're doing a great job. One flake at a time, my man. Does anybody else get super stressed out in this situation? Yeah. Because you're worried about how much cheese and or pepper is going to optimize this pasta for

me because I'm all about pasta optimization. Yeah. Pasta optimization. How much is too much pasta optimization that the Olive Garden employee, I just call it the garden, this garden cheese jockey is going to be like, oh Jesus, dude, like save some for the future. I think you're all in my mind. I'm always weighing my desire for parm versus the judgment of the cheese jockey. So in my head, I mean, I may look calm, collected, ready to get into some Alfredo. And in my head, I'm thinking, no whammies, no whammies, no whammies, stop. But what if you say stop too soon? He's like, oh, that's it, huh? Well, that's not going to optimize the pasta. But okay, bye forever. I mean, the dream is always that when you say when

lights start flashing and balloons fall from the ceiling, you've done it. You did it. You are the first person to solve a pasta. To the nanosecond. You got it right. You are the chosen one. That is a weird point, right? At some point during the Olive Garden experience, they have decided to pass the reins on to me. You finish cooking this. You have been the pasta expert. You've been the midwife of this pasta experience from conception. And now here at the very end, right before delivery, you're asking me to take the reins. That's pretty experience though. You get to run it in the extra half a yard into the pasta end zone. I'll go into the flavor end zone. I'll take it the last few yards. Well, they know that you need it. You haven't got a lot going

on right now. And like, you haven't had a lot to celebrate. And they're like, I'm going to let him have this. And maybe you just need to impress your friends. Like, oh man, did you see how much pepper Ron put on his pasta? That was like to the flake, the perfect tone. I want to blow this out. I think that they shouldn't stop at cheese. I think they should basically come to your table with a pot of stewed tomatoes and pasta uncooked. And then they walk you through each step of the experience. Okay, we're getting towards al dente. You want me to pop that out or just a little bit perfect? Like have a carpenter there going, how tall do you want your table? There we go. Say when. I'm going to file it down. How wide should the chair be? Say when. Can they make a top chef

season that is just this? Like for today's quick fire challenge, we're going to put some sprinkles on the ice cream. Go for it. Too many sprinkles, Danielle. Nice try. No. I would love it if after you said when, the waiter just leaned over and quietly but derisively said, you ruined it. Or, helpfully, it was like, hey man, I'm going to give you a mulligan, but you're going to want to go like a few seconds richer on this cheese. I don't want to tell you how to optimize your cheese game. I don't think anyone saw you fuck up so bad just now. So I'm just going to lean back and I'm going to start going again and we're going to pretend like this never happened. I think if I were a cheese jockey, I would really employ the phrase, are you sure a lot? When?

Are you sure? Is that really all you want? You want a mound of pepper. You want a soft mound. I guarantee there is another Olive Garden vet listening to this who has had to pull the emergency break and just say like, that's enough cheese. Did you? You were a line cook, right? That was yes. I never made it out to the big show. You pre-cheese. You're in charge of the pre-pro on that cheese. Yeah, I don't know why at some point it got taken away from me, the professional chef, and got handed over to the waiter. They're going to kibbutz that last bid. I don't appreciate it. What if the line cook has no idea that that's happening and just somewhere along the lines, Olive Garden, like upper management was like, they're not putting enough cheese and pepper on

this. Let's put it in the hands of the waiter. Don't tell them though. Don't tell them. You're saying at some somewhere in the Olive Garden chain, there's a line chef that nobody wanted to fuck with. I cannot have another conversation with that man. Listen, we'll just take care of it afterwards. We'll post game it. It'll be fine. We'll fix it in post. I don't think that they, I mean, they would probably, they would probably stop at some point and sort of force you. I think the inertia has to go back to them at some point where they would stop at some place that felt natural and then sort of ask you like, are you sure? Like they make you say it.

Are you fucking with me? This entire restaurant is full of pepper. Like every square inch of it is pepper now. Are you sure? Your table mates have left. Your bowel has broken under the weight of all this pepper. Are you sure about this? How great would it be if while they're grinding the parmesan, you open up a little baggy underneath the grinder and just tell them to keep going. This is for Yader. Look at him say that. This is for Yader. Why would you say Yader? I want it Yader. Okay. More Parmi peas. I'll say you're dressed like an adultine baby. Oh boy. Cheese me peas. Next, next question, peas.

What if he stopped and you look at him and you say right to his face, got any more cheese? And only then does he realize you're dressed like Steve Urkel. Oh man, how embarrassing for him. Not for you at all. Not embarrassing for you at all, only for him in that situation. Who boy? Rich Ashton. Where is he? Get out of here. He's across the table from me. Him and Jaleel White are best friends. Here's the scenario. I'm at a red light. It's very late night. There are no other cars in sight. I am certain there are no red light cameras or police officers around. Can I just go? Would I be breaking any kind of driving etiquette? That's from Nancy in Austin.

I swear to God we've talked about this before. Really? I'm almost certain that we have. If we have, it's been so long that we've forgotten and maybe we've grown and matured. Maybe, but I see people quoting shit from three episodes ago and I'm like, I don't remember that at all. So I don't think our memory is as unimpeachable. Do you guys ever do this? No. Why? You know why? Because I'm not a fucking criminal. There is a light that is right next to the Cincinnati Shakespeare Company house that frequently, I would say like once or twice a week, breaks and will not turn green for the person trying to turn on to the street.

I've sat there through seven minutes and watched the other two lights change green while it stayed red and it kind of forces you to make that Pete and Pete bus driver decision of like, am I going to do it? Am I going for it? Yes, if your other option is wait and die of old age or starvation, then yeah, I guess go ahead and break this law. But here's the crazy thing about it, Griffin. It always happens that somebody pulls up behind me just as I make the decision to go. So all they see is me running a red light. Is there anything more exciting than seeing somebody run a red light? I always assume there's a police chase. Oh, no, no. For me, it's like, what's he doing?

Oh, if another car had been coming, oh no, that would have been bad. Crazy motherfucker. Like it's like I witnessed a bank robbery. But there's also a part of you like it's so envious like, man, to have a life where you just do that to just run it, you know, go for it. I find that it's completely legal. If you say out loud, I'm just going to go. I'm like, then it's totally cool. And if you get pulled over, you say like, no, I announced it. That's a pre crime then, right? That's what minority report is about. You announcing that you're about, I'm just going to stab this guy eight times.

Okay, cool. You can be sure there are no cars or stop light cameras. But like, what about somebody like, what about extremely fast people? You can't see if there's like a really speedy toddler chasing like a beautiful butterfly. That is a fast toddler. All right. Like a really fast toddler and even like faster, very directed butterfly. Like baby Tony Shaw. Yeah. If baby Tony Shaw and what if you had prematurely ended the career of baby Tony Shaw because he sprinted out in front of you chasing a butterfly.

Butterflies peas. I'm going to kick him with my knee. That's what he does. He kicks things with his knees. That's like his whole stick. That's his bit. Hey, it's a good bit, man. If it ain't broke, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I don't, I think I've probably done this a couple of like if it's late at night and I'm sure there's nobody around. You're a little drunk. I'll go for it. No, no, like definitely not then. I'm, when I drink and drive,

it's the only time I focus, you know? Don't say that. There are many little cars. The only time I feel alive, you know what I mean? Don't say that. Don't say any of this. I don't mean any of it. I don't drink anymore. My wife's 17 weeks pregnant. She's what?

She's 17 weeks pregnant. That's super long, isn't it? It thought it was only 12. Read a book. Okay, you do need to read a book. He's right. I need your help in being a little mean to someone. I recently found out that a friend of mine was kicked out of his dorm suite for getting scarily belligerently drunk and threatening his roommates, who are also friends of mine.

Campus security had to deal with him. He seemed normal since then, but I find him seriously creepy. Can I just ghost it and stop speaking to him? Or do I have to offer explanation? And that's from not good at confrontation in New York. I mean, if you ghost it, that's explanation enough. He knows what he did. That sucks. I feel like your only mistake was not immediately ghosting it right after that happened.

I mean, at the same time, let's walk this back a little bit, right? If you're somebody's friend, and I can understand that some people just have, some people just have that evil inside of them, you know? And you can see it, you can sense it, you can feel it. But this guy's friend, he's obviously got a substance abuse problem. I think it's worth a convo to at least, even if you are 100% committed to cutting ties, at least to say, hey, just so you know, I'm not comfortable being around you until you get your life fixed.

Because one of the things you hear in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings on TV is that I lost all my friends, blah, blah, blah. That guy's not going to be able to say that if you don't tell him that that's why he lost his friends. He might just assume that you moved. I'm like, I'll cut someone out. I'll get out the fucking liquid paper if it's deserved. But I think you're right.

I think in this case, this person probably needs somebody to tell them how completely on it. I mean, they probably know how unacceptable that is, but they need to know that their actions have impacted other people on a serious level. I'm going to retroactively agree with you guys. I concur. Speak to the man. If nothing else to say, this is why it would be difficult to be friends with you right now, but if you deal with it and it ceases to be an issue, I'd love to hang out with you again.

And you know what? Is it going to be like an easy, comfortable conversation? No. But these are the kinds of conversations that make, if not your friendship, at least you, stronger. You have to build up a tolerance for stuff like this because at some point you're going to get out of college and you're going to get into like full blown adulthood. And if you don't start having conversations like this, it's basically like you're building up

warrants, emotional warrants, and you're just going to be on the lam, your whole life, running from emotional town to emotional town, trying to stay one step ahead of the emotional law. And right now, you could just pay your debt to emotional society. You got a little bit lost in that metaphor, didn't you? Yeah. Well, it got a little ahead of me. Yeah.

Then, and have the conversation. You'll be tougher for it. You might help this guy out and your friendship, if you decide to preserve it, it's going to be better. That's going to be tough, man. Like, I know, but like, I don't have to fucking do it. All I have to do is try not to do it. Hey, can I throw something out? I think that, I think that writing him a letter, if, okay, if you do not feel prepared or ready

to have a face-to-face conversation, a letter is the next best option as opposed to like a text message or an email, because the letter says like, I cared enough to like put the time in to do this. And it's something that he can reference back to, should he ever have a tough moment? I just feel like if somebody had, if somebody's in this situation, right, then they, it is probably not a one-sided issue. I have known very few people who abused alcohol, where the whole story was, I just love it. It tastes so good in my mouth. It tastes great.

And I feel great. Like, that's very rarely the whole story. And I, if Travis is right, if you don't, if you are completely opposed to having the conversation, some sort of written communique would be, I mean, at the very least, novel. But, better than a Facebook poke. Certainly. Certainly. A telling Facebook poke.

And you know, if it helps, it doesn't just have to be like, I'm cutting you out because of this, deal with it and get back to me. It can be like, hey, if you're going through something, and if there's other issues you want to talk about, I'm there for you, but I want to support you. But only via written communication. If you can employ some sort of Pony Express delivery system. I've included a self-addressed stamped envelope. Sorry, so sloppy.

Ralph. Can you like get that person back in your group after they, it's not the drinking, like the belligerently drunk part is obviously not ideal, but it's like, to me, the real sticking point is the threatening your other friends. Because like, that just seems like a long road to hoe to get like, if I had, if one of my friends was like, I'm going to kick your ass. Like, I don't know that I would ever be like, hey, let's go bowling.

I mean, Travis knocked a guy out with a bowling pin once. But that was an accident. Well, you hit him in the head with a bowling pin. But I accidentally knocked him out. He was wearing a football helmet. Can we point at Travis isn't like a mugger. That was probably our worst college game. And that beats out our game lockjaw, where you kept your fists six inches from somebody's face,

shouted lockjaw at them so they would lock their jaws and then you punch them in the face. Now, does it beat fireworks bathroom? Sorry, remind me about fireworks bathroom. Wasn't fireworks bathroom the game that you used to play over at Jason's? Where someone was in the bathroom when you throw a firecracker in there. No, I thought they cut up a bunch of fireworks and then emptied it in the sink. And then everyone stood in the bathroom and then they lit the sink. And then the last person in the bathroom, the last person to leave the bathroom.

That was a great game. Another hit one was when we bought a lobster and made the lobster fight Jason's iguana for its freedom. And if it won the fight, we wouldn't eat it. We'd eat the iguana instead. Ah, boy. So of all those games, the worst was probably the one where one guy would wear a football helmet and the other guy would hit him in the head with a bowling pin.

It's probably showing some level of restraint. Yes. Save Travis. Travis was eager to impress and he would just clobbered the guy. Uh, so, yeah. You may have seen this guy on. We know we just made it sound like a lot of fun for the past minute and a half, but. Yeah, so don't drink.

It sounds like fun. But in Travis's defense, Brandon McCoy, the guy he hit, ended up on Veep. So what's up now? Now, I guess Travis really helped him out. Travis. You're welcome, Brandon. Travis bashed some acting smarts into his dome. So we got the money time?

We should. I know you tried hulu.com. Literally everyone on earth has. But huluplus.com is way, way better. It's like hulu plus is sexier older brother. He knows where to buy alcohol and he is a cool guy that you can hang with for just eight dollars a month. You're saying it's the Justin.

Of hulu. Justin of hulu's. Yes. And he's taken a philosophy class in college and he can talk to you all day long about what the meaning of life and shit. He's got a little mustache. He know he's ready to show you SNL, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Shark Tank and Scandal over at his house. And he'll let you watch every episode.

He'll he'll loan you his copies of Law and Order SVU, Doctor Who, Lost and Community. Let you watch all of them. You know what? He's been taking some film classes too and he's created a couple of original hulu programs like The Wrong Man's and Behind the Mask, which is his new docu series that takes you inside the world of sports mascots. Also, he smells like aged leathers. He's got access to ad-free movies, one would hope, and some kids content, which is perhaps

questionable, but hey, he's learning and growing. He works with Big Brother's Little Sisters. He works with Big Brothers. What is that program called? I'm sorry, it's not what you said. And he's going to hang with you. The best part is he's going to hang with you for two weeks for free if you go to huluplus.com slash mybrother.

Otherwise- huluplus.com slash mybrother for an extended free trial. His usual hang fee is $7.99 a month, which is already really good for the amount of stuff you're going to get, but you can get it for two weeks free. Peep it. Hey guys, don't know if you know, but it is National Start Your Business Month. Is it really? All that that implies.

Yes. I'm ready to start some business. I'm going to start business with you. Start business with that guy. Get busy. And so for this month only, you can take advantage of LegalZoom's National Start Your Business Month special and get a free three-month trial of the all-new QuickBooks. It's a, holy crap, that's $119 value free when you enter my brother into the referral

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Go get that free shake, dumb idiot. Come on. I got another message for Justin. And this is coming straight at you from Sarah. This is not for me. It's for another Justin. She says, happy first anniversary, Justin. Now don't get confused.

She's talking about this other Justin. I have been married for over seven years. I'm not crazy about this. I have to go through life ignoring the fact that like Justin Long exists, Justin Timberlake. And that one's tough for me because I like his music and I like his acting. I am a little miffed at you for acknowledging his existence. I've asked you several times not to do so. Sarah says of this other Justin who apparently exists,

I hope hearing it from your favorite podcasters makes it even more special. Thanks for being such an amazing husband and a great dad to our annoying bird, P.D. Dad was in quotes and I did my best. He probably got his butt. There we go. Since Justin is a jazz musician, now to clarify, I myself am not. This other Justin, it is, plays baritone sax. Could you do a scat for him?

Thanks. No. Love the show. We are not fucking... Skate. Blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub-blub. Scats, scats, scats, scats. Skat skut skut skut skut.

Wow. Skats skut skut skut skut skut skut. I'm actually uh, I was actually just practicing some Pentecostal scat. That was the divine spirit talking. Got the holy spirit deep down inside you. The holiest, the holiest spirit of the scat man. Happy anniversary you two. I have a message of four Jonas and it's from John, Alexis, Shady and Sarah uh, who say happy birthday Jonas. If this message is late, it's because we wanted to see if you lived through your broke back adventure to Mount Washington. Happy birthday and thanks for getting all of us into the erudite wisdom of the brothers Guys, we've said this many times before you don't have to take the heat for this stuff

You don't he's gonna be mad at you now and he can be mad at us and we're never gonna meet Jonas We don't give a solitary shit what Jonas thinks of us I do Okay, well Travis does we don't Travis does two-thirds of us. Don't give a fuck about Jonas. Don't care at all Jonas, I love you. Don't care at all. I'm on us. He sounds like a nice dude like happy birthday and shit You love mountains and shit, but I don't give a fuck. Jonas don't let me in with it. Please don't let me in with this Jonas. I'm so sorry Happy birthday. Happy birthday Jonas. I don't give a shit though Justin what are you doing? Uh strapping a uh chicken in my arm heard there's some uh plague out west

So I just wanted to get out ahead of it Justin if you'd ever listen to our medical history podcast Saw bones where we talk about everything from trepanation to bloodletting You would know that that is a ridiculous idea and it will never work Saw but I I haven't caught it saw bones Yes, it's every friday on the maximum fund network and we record it together Doctor something yes I

Hate talking about money It makes me uncomfortable to discuss restaurant bills gas money, etc With friends and co-workers if an amount less than 20 dollars is owed to me I would really rather not discuss it. I would gladly lose out on the money if the cost is not having a conversation about money How can I get people to take me seriously? When they say how much do I owe you and I say don't worry about it This is currency coward. I am you are the conductor of a train that I have been a passenger on my entire life my friend because um

Wait, are our conductors actually on the train or do they just hang out at the station? Yeah, they hang out the station and then when they see the train come and they say come on come on come on come on come on Come on. Bye. You're doing it. You can do it. Don't give up. Okay. Bye. Um, I It's such a tricky scenario because I am totally with you. I fucking hate dealing with this But at the same time, you know, what I hate more is when a friend is like, hey, you Paid for those movie tickets. It was 19 dollars. How much do I owe you? How do I say? Oh, don't worry about it without sounding like I'm saying like you need this more than I do Here's the I think the misconception here is that when someone says how much do I owe you? It's not about you

I I just always accept that it's them saying I feel a burden now because I owe you something and I would like to alleviate that burden by just Evening it out between us one of my when you go when you go. Oh, don't worry about it You're lording it over them that you don't need their petty money. One of my favorite things about adulthood is that we migrate over to a A Monetary system that more closely resembles wampum In that like if someone comes over and you buy them dinner

They don't you don't have to split the goddamn check You just know that someday you're gonna go to their place and they're gonna get you dinner Mm-hmm, or give you a ride to the airport or yeah, or how sit your dog or dog sit your dog Or sit on your dog or sit on your dog's house when you're younger though money Money is the most valuable thing. Yeah, no one has any of it So it becomes very scarce when it becomes easier to procure when you're not in the adult world There there are things that are worth more to you the money like god, please drive me to the airport Please what I I love the regi because I remember in college. They're being retroactive like claims where it's like

Um, I would pay you back for this, but do you remember a month ago? I paid for the movie tickets I feel like this is pretty balanced now, right? So I'm gonna go I also think at the how much do I owe you question is a little unfair Unless the like unless they have zero idea Like I because I think that's just involved. I'm not gonna invoice you like just if you think that I should have some money Just give me some of it. Did you guys ever have a friend in college that you were a hundred percent sure? was

Fucking you On these matters like they go out and they're like, hey, I'm gonna round and get some pizzas Can you split the cost of being like, yeah, sure and they run out and get two hot and reddies And like how much do I owe you and they say eight dollars and they're like, oh, that's that's interesting because I know they're five dollars a piece You piece of shit Yes, we we had and we we would also have periods where we would become suspicious that some people had money Hey, listen, I heard that he is getting money from his parents that his parents give him some money So he has some money just has it. I think he just has money that he's not like giving to us or doing anything with

He just has it I always say I think the sweetest comment is when you can like Get a big group of people and everybody chips in to a point that you end up with bonnet Like I'm gonna run out and get beer and everyone gives you five dollars And so you end up with like 50 bucks and the beer costs you 40 Travis, holy shit. You were that guy It's capitalism. No, that's that's you fucking friend. I provide a service. They need that service That's you fucking your friends and they butts where they wallet is

No, because the guy who takes money from a lot of people is going to get burned as many times as he wins out It's luck of it's luck of the draw That money that travis earned he probably lost out on another time or out of casino Well, yeah, but that's a different thing entirely. Yeah, that's a completely different Well, because here's the thing I do look at it as a service at that point because if you're the guy who stayed sober To go buy beer halfway through the party when you ran out and so you're able to like drive and go get it and go to the trouble Yes, I am going to profit off this trade transaction. Sure. Wow. No, that sounds totally reasonable

Isn't interest pack. That's your job. Thank you. Griffin. Do you have any yahoo's? I do I have a few. I feel like one of those would go down really nice right now. Um, this yahoo was Sent in by drew Davenport. Thanks drew emerald member. It's by yahoo answers user T TEA who asks Uh, what should I do to celebrate my rat's birthday? Hello all I currently only have one rat Why is that funny to you? I don't know

It's the idea of all the people reading the question Salutations. Hello millions of readers. Um, I currently only have one rat frowny face Parentheses my other one passed away last week And his name is blue Blue is going to be two on march 2nd this sunday, and I'm so excited to celebrate the rat's name is not name frowny face then No, no, no, no this person is sad that they only have one rat because the other one died very recently so very fresh corpse Blue's going to be two in march 2nd this saturday, and I'm so excited to celebrate I have a few gifts paper mache hut treats toys and dog bones

But I have no cake recipe your activities planned. I must make him a cake But I want it to be completely homemade. I have a tiny rat sized cake pan. No, you don't So all I need is a recipe for the batter I also need some activities since he is unfortunately by himself He won't be able to play any games involving multiple rats instead. I have to plan other stuff for him to do Do you guys have any ideas lastly? How can I make a mini rat pizza? You can't Oh, and I also forgot almost forgot what other homemade toys really like diy, please. Thanks everyone smiley face t This person went through some complex emotions during this question

So I know I feel like you can give the rat a bagel bite and it'll be perfectly happy with that as a rat That is a deep ass dish pizza for a rat Listen rats eat fucking garbage every day. Do you think the rats are gonna be like this is a rat specific not this rat? This rat's got a dope life That's true. I know what I would give my rat that I owned my personal rat I would give him a quick ride to yield trash can Die Outside and not in my home and then I'd find the things I'd gather up all the things

That he never touched or looked at and burn them. Happy birthday rat What was I doing? Why would I get you if I knew that I hated you? I hate you so much when one of you died. I should have been thrilled Because then that cut my rat problem that I haven't had in half 50 percent Get out of here. I hear you trash eating rat. Why would you have a rat? Why would you have a rat cake? I think and the rat is a nickname for a turtle Maybe they have a rat because they love them and they're their friend and they need the companionship They definitely do need the companionship. That is not up for no, holy shit

I what all I'm saying is I don't want to get a flood of emails and tweets From rat owners and rat lovers who are like, oh, you guys so close minded How dare you that's such a myth and rats are great and super sweet and very intelligent No, listen over the years of making this program. It's gonna be Four years next month. Okay after four years of recording this program. I've Uh become more culturally sensitive to so many groups of people rat owners I'm drawing a line in the sand. Here's the thing unless your pet rat has the power to transmogrify into an incredible wizard And he's your familiar

You have to stop I love the family circus way you say that word What? Familiar can you say can you do me a favor? What do you call the pasta that's just like long long noodles and you Uh would put like a puttanesca sauce on top of it and um and and eat it Do you mean pescetti? There we go. Um, I Why you have a rat sized cake pan? I have a bottle cap and a sense of creativity. Let's Let's be honest. Do you think this person's ever showed up to a party like hey guys, I brought I brought cake for your birthday

Ah, fuck. I made it in the rat pan. Shit. Well, this is not gonna be enough for anybody really I made a cracker. So I made also. Thanks for inviting me to a party. I own rats. So it doesn't happen Oh, no, your dumping pigs blood on me How could this happen? Whoops Uh, so that's gonna do it for us here on my brother. My brother made. We hope you have as much fun Uh listening as we had recording. Thank you to people who are tweeting about our program Like patrick malone had a sweet baby boy named griffin born on valentine's day. I know it's adorable

Wait, I think it's because somebody asked me on twitter like A few months ago if I named my son after you. Yeah Yeah, that's guys. This is that's lovely. That's wonderful This is the first time hearing about that because I don't read twitter. I guess Uh, so congratulations patrick. Thank you to others tweeting about the show like matt Kate earl why who said that she dreamt she won an mbmba prize package With two raincoats sparkle bouncy balls smiley face yo-yos and a space t-shirt. So yep, you're welcome Uh, thanks to joe smith uh, brook

to car bta who Hasn't listened to our show, but is thinking about it. Come on bta marshal hinderson jadez chris leddie mark baby bill hump free lauren bad dad aura root

Matt warren so many others. Thank you so much. We sure appreciate it if you want to share uh get somebody onto the The mbmbm train send the link to our sampler. It's bit.ly 4 slash mb mb a m 2013 or Bit.ly 4 slash it's mbm bam. I want to thank you guys. I want to thank travis For for being here fighting off the plague To record this episode um He I you guys can't hear The sounds of his disease, but they're there. I added an amount and he is his trooper and i'm proud of him

Thank you travis now travis uh, if things i'm sure you're gonna get better But if things break bad and they don't go your way you need to be ready So i want to remind you to head to legal zoom.com. It's not A law firm, but it provides self-help services at your specific direction You can enter discount code my brother and you're gonna save some money So get that sorted out before things get worse or better as i'm sure they will but if they don't but if they don't All right, I will also probably spend some time laying on the couch checking out hulu plus This hulu plus is where you can bench on thousands of hitches anytime anywhere

And i'm going to rock out that free trial of hulu plus by going to hulu plus.com slash my brother Um guys, I have huge huge ass news This news has the biggest biggest ass Uh the 2014 max fun drive is coming up During the uh during the last two weeks of march you can tune in to support your favorite podcast like i don't know us and I don't know saw bones and Stop podcasting yourself and jordan jesse go and bullseye and throw in my brother my brother and me my brother my brother me I already did us, uh, but I know but i'm repeating it because it's very important that they support us above all others

Except for saw bones definitely saw bones. Uh, you can toss them a pity vote here and there but mostly my brother my brother So starting march 17th, we will be running some of our best shows of the year Uh and offering spectacular spectacular thank you gifts to get you in the giving spirit We usually do pretty extra extra length extra size apps, um And then we have a bonus episode that goes out to donors that we've done Have we done four at this point or we've done three and this will be our fourth. I think I think that's right I I think I don't know because we would have done one in 2010

Well, no, but 11 12 13 now this will be our fourth Or except We didn't join max fun until like the middle of we have some bonus episodes We have a number of episodes and if you're a donor then you get all of them. So Uh, we also have other bonuses that we will Talk about once the drive starts on the 17th that we give out to to donors all three of us are donors Which is kind of weird because that money go right back in our pockets. No not really um

We just I I love what this network does and I spend like Almost as much time as I do like doing anything else in my life listening to podcasts on on max fun. So Uh, don't miss it max fun drive starts march 17th and it runs for just two weeks You can listen in you can sign up to support us and catch the best shows that we have to offer Holy crap It's happening you guys I want to thank also john rogerick in the long winters for the use of our theme song It's a departure which is on the album putting the days to bed you can find it on

iTunes you can find it at stores But you should get it because it's really really fucking good Thank you again for listening griffin. Do you have a final question for us to enjoy? I do Um, this one was sent in by emerald member jude amport. Thank you It's by uh, who answers user james who asks How did obama get j lino fired? I'm just a mackerel. I i'm travis mackerel. I'm griffin mackerel. He's been my brother my brother me kiss your dad

Score at my lips You Maximum fun or comedy and culture artist owned listener supported I Am so proud to be an american and to be hosting throwing shade with you I am proud to have really deep brown eyes. Well, this is a actually supposed to be you know, this is supposed to be a Thing so that people listen to our show. I've just been so busy this week But i'm very happy to be here the podcast is called

It's called throwing shade. You're the co-host. Yeah, uh throwing shade. We talked about you're the gay co-host I'm the female co-host. I always forget we're friends in real life kind of and we talk about lady and gay issues Yeah, and we talk about them in a way that that they that is really disrespectful. Yeah, if you love the world and hate yourself Please listen to throwing shade. Yeah