My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 191: Married to the Mice King

Episode Date: March 10, 2014

Justin has a bit in this episode that very nearly killed Griffin. Suggested talking points: Armadillo Stomp, Little Darwin, Fish Surplus, Majority Eviction, Sibling Slurpees, Digital Video Didgeridoo

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, me, and advice show for the modern era. I am your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your babyist, thought, thinker, social guru, baby brother Griffin McElroy. Griffin, this week, is at the South X, South W festival.

Sixwis. Sixwis. I think it's S by S West. I'm not exactly sure. No, it is a festival that was created by a race of alien locusts people, and so it's the proper pronunciation. And not a lot of people get this, not a lot of the tech thought thinker gurus here get that it's actually pronounced. Now, Griffin, a quick question. When people refer to themselves as thought thinker gurus, are they expelled from the conference? They are admitted. That's actually, when you pick up your badge, they say, we got to take a profile pic for our social site, and you take a profile pic for the social site, and then they say, what's your position? You say,

I'm a writer for a video game website, and they go, ooh, close, but no cigar. And you go, oh, no, no, I'm shit. Sorry, I'm a thought thinker guru. And they're like, okay, come on in. Come on in and disrupt this shit. Promise me this week, Griffin, when you get the first with the worst job title on their business card, something along the lines of social media professor or ninja of tweets. Master of Twitter food. Master of Twitter food. You take the card, and then while they look on in horror, you just slowly eat it, never breaking eye contact with it. And then ask for a second. Then ask. The problem is that a lot of these business cards aren't actually business cards. Sometimes they jump drives, sometimes they're bracelets,

sometimes they're Twitter accounts. Sometimes they're rice crackers. People will just create bespoke Twitter accounts, and then hand those out as their business cards, just to really hit the drive the point home that they are thought thinkers. Hey, maybe a slap bracelet would be the way to go. You goof, but I guarantee it. If I walk down dirty six long enough, someone will just like, I'm walking down the street and someone will be like brand cuffs right there on me. I'm sorry, did you say brand cuffs? God Travis, it's like you're living in fucking 2011. South by Southwest, is it about music? I really don't know. It's a lot of things. It's about armadillos and music, and people playing armadillos to create music. That's exactly right. Or turning them like stomp,

or turning an armadillo stomp, or pressing their shells down and turning them into film. That's all the film that gets made here and debuted here, like the Veronica Mars movie debuted last night, was printed on armadillo. You get a really nice quality. If you haven't seen Apocalypse Now on 35 millimeter armadillo skin, then you just haven't seen the film. You just haven't seen it. Do you do much star spotting at South by Southwest? Is it an opportunity to spot some celebs? No. I spent all my time at the gaming side of it, which is like- Oh, God, we'll forget about it. Yeah, I know. I don't have any celebrities. They keep it across the river from where all the thought thinkers are. Is your name Mark? Mark Norris plays World of Warcraft.

Was he there? He doesn't, and he wasn't, and he can't. Mr. T does? He doesn't, and he wouldn't, he wouldn't, and he shouldn't, and he don't, and he can't. He's on the commercials, and he plays. Is that Mario's nephew Daniel? Is that Daniel Mario? That's his name. Daniel Mario? Yeah, their last name's Mario. No, it's a bunch of different festivals all rolled into one, and it's- I'm not as jaded about it as literally every other Austinite is. But it does make it- it does- I mean, it does disrupt my taco eating, because- Well, it's all about disruptive media. That's what they mean. I know. They definitely fucking get in there, and they disrupt the line by which I mean they make it quintuple the normal line for

tacos. Did you just get a Taco Bell? I just go to Taco Bell. I goofed about that on Twitter. I was like, hey guys, come to Austin for tacos. Just go to Taco Bell. There's a reason why it's so popular. And then Taco Bell fucking responded on Twitter. God, nice. They were like, not cool Griffin. You kind of hurt our feelings with that one. Of all the professional relationships for you to jeopardize, you have to go and jeopardize the relationship with Taco Bell. I know. They fucking locked me out. Why am I supposed to get my fourth meal now? Jack in the box? No, thanks. They do have tacos there, and spaghetti. And steak. And you can do your taxes. And you can do your taxes at Joppy.

Let's help people. I'm done with this disruptive technology. It's been disruptive to our show long enough. That said, Griffin, if you do spot any stars during the recording, please let me know. If they walk into my office? Yeah. Or walk past your window. This is the real Austin. I'm looking at two stars right now, my brothers. Who? Because you can't see us. Kristen Bell and Doc Shepherd. They stopped by. I was gonna say, if you're still seeing stars outside, then you forgot to set your clock forward. That's your problem, not mine. That's not how daylight savings time works. That isn't how time works. What are you talking about?

Hello, but yeah, it's called a great joke for the show. I don't act. I would prefer that you don't do those anymore. They'll do great jokes. All right. I mean, just say what you mean from now on. I'm done with jokes on this show. They're just like silly. You know, so many of our jokes are just like goofy. You know, I want to go back to that old school. I miss that highbrow, Dax Shepherd shit. I'm on that. Talked about Dax. I'm on that Dax. See, that's just silly. You didn't. I'm on that Dax. I need, I want a joke on the show. I need jokes, but set up punchline. Dax. Set up. What do you call a Dax Shepherd? See, this is good Travis. I don't know. What do you call a Dax? Well, I mean, I presumably Dax

Shepherd. You call him Dax Shepherd. Okay. Because that's his goddamn name. See, that had a setup and it had a punchline, but it was a little lacking in the Dax department. If we're talking about basic joke construction. I'll get Griffin. Dax, Dax, Dax, Dax, Dax, Dax. Again, you were sort of deficient. Dax. Fuck me. Hello, brothers. My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year now, and I feel like the fresh buzz of the honeymoon phase is starting to wear off. Is he listening? Put him in front of the radio. Don't get me wrong. I still very much love him and cannot consider a life without him, nor do I want to. It's just hard when I see friends or coworkers starting, starting cute new relationships and I feel myself missing the unique twangs of

new love. This is my first relationship that's ever stuck. So I've never encountered this feeling before. What can I do? That's from Wistful on the West Coast. And it is not a bad question. No, and I'm very glad that that last sort of interjection about this being the first long relationship, because that happens with your first long relationship, I feel like, I don't think it's something that really is part of the territory once you've been in a couple of these bad boys. Yeah, and I think that what you're feeling is completely normal. Sure. Here's the thing. What you're seeing is the cute new relationships. What you're not seeing is all the single people desperately trying to connect with another human being, all the shitty

new relationships that are starting, all of the problems and fights and awkward breakups and trying to tell someone that the first date didn't work out. All of that, all of the baggage and bullshit. Even worse that the fifth date didn't work out. I went through a period where I had a lot of those one to two month long relationships and it sucked every single time because you get your own hopes up, you get the other person's hopes up and then when you realize that it's not going to work out, seriously, in all of my days and all the things I've experienced, that is the shittiest feeling in the entire world. And to me, once you find that right person that you love being with and you can't consider your life without, that is a blessing because you

don't have to deal with that other shit anymore. So here's what you do. You vampire it. Oh boy. No, no, no, because here's what I mean. You need to then, you and your partner, hang out with these new young couples and just kind of feed off their little looks between the two of you and little handholds when it's like, I remember when we were like that and you get that little like tiny burst of that new cute feeling and then you go back to your house where you already know each other well enough that you don't have to deal with each other's bullshit. I need you at home to remember that cute new relationship stuff. And this is going to sound cynical, but it isn't. It's your body chemistry way of trying to trick you into procreating. And deep down in your heart,

beneath your soul, there's a little man who just wants you. He's like a dirty guy. He's like, just do it because he wants you to procreate and spread your species. It's a deep business, primal impulse you have. His name is Charles Darwin and he's a dirty bird. It's Charles Darwin. He lives in your heart and he's a dirty bird because he wants you to just do it. Skip all this relationship stuff. Just do it. Spread the virus of humanity. This feeling that this new relationship feeling is really just like a, it's like a no interest loan to get you into a custom relationship car. It's there. It's just a way to suck you in. It suckers you in. And then the important stuff is the fact that you have a friend and somebody who

supports you and somebody you care a lot about and somebody who's a great match for you. And a lot of that new relationship stuff doesn't have to worry about any of that. It's your free wheeling. So yeah, it's cute, but it's also insubstantial because it doesn't have the bedrock. It doesn't have anything built underneath it. And I can understand the missing that feeling, but like two things. First off, don't, I have known so many people who have traded in really great relationships for a taste of that feeling again. And that's not to say that I don't feel like romantic love towards my wife every single day and find a new reason why I love her more than anything. Listen, she cut, listen to this show. I gotta cover my fucking base. That

when you've been married seven years, all that shit just said, I mean it too for mine. I love my wife more and more every day, like all the grains of sand and ocean. That's where she carried you. Anyway, I've seen people trade in great relationships for a taste of that feeling. You gotta remember that once you get to be my age, the number of feelings that you won't feel anymore from youth pile up so much that that was just another one for this stuff. Throw it on the brawl and fire. Just throw it on the fire. I don't remember. There's a lot of things I used to feel that I don't feel anymore because I'm old. I'm an old man. Trust me, I'll just get lost to the shuffle, but I think it could be a really

destructive, it could be a really destructive impulse. And this is going to get into like boring, like normal relationship advice crap, so I won't dwell on it. But a great way to sort of get a semblance of this feeling back is to put you and your significant other into a new relationship. I mean, I think we've seen it time and time again, perhaps in Steve Carell Vehicle Date Night, when you're thrust into a unfamiliar circumstance, you can discover new stuff about the person you're with and something like that is sort of what that new relationship smell is generating. You always got to find his one weakness. You always got to pick on his one fucking slip up and never, I'm talking about you, Justin, and your relationship with Steve Carell.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I accidentally bring up the Incredible Bert Wunderstown? Also, is that what you're looking for? You are always writing his, even his fucking grill. Like you're better than most people's A material. You've got a fucking time share in Steve Carell's grill, and it's fucking shameful. What have you done? You know what I mean? Did you, I mean, did you see Evan Almighty? I mean, did you watch it? I watched it on a plane. It gave me diarrhea. Guys, we kick stuff off. It looked like full blown Dr. Rue style. I don't know if that's the pace that we usually, I got Dr. Rue. I hope that helped. I watched, we watched the episode of Quantum Leap yesterday in season five,

I think like ep eight, where Sam Beckett jumps into Dr. Ruth. This is not a joke. This is an actual episode of Quantum Leap. Thank God. It is the craziest hour of television I think I've ever watched in my entire life because Dr. Rue is in the imaging chamber hanging out without Calvici in real life and like helping him deal with his sexual childishness, let's call it. And there's like a full- Quantum Leap just like jumped the shark episode two. Yeah. And then it just stayed, it hovered over the shark like Chris Angel, mine freaked the entire time. There's like a two minute segment where they're dealing with the fact that Al Calvici can't say the word breasts because he's such a sexual child. And instead he has to say

like bazongas, balloons, beepers, pompos, weep-weeps, Jim-jims, slappers, and that episode one two Emmys. For best boobs. For best nicknames for breasts by Al Calvici. Wow, what a train wreck. Is that on Netflix? It's on Netflix and it's on Hulu. You're gonna want to watch it on Hulu because they don't have all the episodes on Netflix, including the one where Sam leaps into Lee Harvey Oswald. That's the best. It's the fucking best. You guys want a yahoo? Yeah. Thanks everybody for sending in your yahoo's. We burned through a lot of them because we did the uh, we did the bonus episode with our dad, which you can listen to now if you are a donor. And if you're not, you're about to be because we're kicking off the Max Fun Drive next week. More deets on that soon.

But this yahoo was sent in by Amelie Belcher. Thanks Amelie. It's by yahoo answers user Amelie. What was that? It's from the movie Amelie. Amelie? Because she just walks around in person. It's about a young girl. I am Amelie. Who can only say her own name. I cook an egg with a spoon. Amelie? Jesus. She cook an egg with a spoon. Fall in love again with me, Amelie. Now on DVD. It's even the money zone. Amelie. You missed that new relationship spell. Maybe fall in love with me, Amelie. Don't look for me on Blu-ray. I'm not on Blu-ray. I'm too small to fit on the Blu-ray. They lose me. I am Amelie. I'm hiding near the spindle. I am Amelie. This laser disk is gigantic. Are you on the edge of it? Hello. It is like a plate for my egg dinner. Delicious. I am Amelie.

I am inside your pocket. You have enough money to buy my DVD. You have to stop or it'll be the whole show. I mean VHS tapes because I would get in the little holes and spin around. Is Amelie a borrower? What's going on? Yes, I live in a hole with a mice king. I'm married to the mice king. My staff is a lollipop, Amelie. Okay. Oh Jesus. Thank you. Oh Christ. Give me a second. All right. Thank you, Amelie Belcher. This is by Yahoo Answers user Erica who asks, I want to give up Taco Bell for Lint. For Kent, nice start. I was thinking about giving up Taco Bell since I am obsessed with it. But I ate Taco Bell on Ash Wednesday. Then later that night decided to give it up. But since I decided after, does it still count or should I give up

something else? You have to double give it up. Now how would that happen? You have to give it up and then steal it from someone else and throw it away. Oh, but that's just thievery. It's not. Yeah, you got to rob and hood the Taco Bell. You got to rob from the rich and give to the garbage. Try to survive with your plan is that it's not very sustainable. How's that? We're good. If you want to be the first of all Taco Burglar, you're going to get in a pretty serious trademark dispute with McDonald's. What about like the Gordita grabber? Gordita grabber. Yeah, sure. That's totally kosher. Gordito bandito. Can someone explain to me? Yes. Lent. You give stuff up and you feel bad. No, I know about it. I know about all that, but

I know that there's a shit ton of places that do fish. They get super fish. I think BK is running some ads now. It's like we got all the fish sandwiches. Your Catholic mouth can possibly eat. Um, so is it like while your while Lent is going on, you're also not supposed to eat meat and only fish because if that's the case and like, yeah, Taco Bell probably not for you. I do not think they have. It's on Fridays. You're just supposed to eat fish. Fish Fridays on Lent or around the like across across the calendar. No, that I do not know. No, just during Lent, you're not supposed to eat like serious meat on Fridays, I think. If I'm not mistaken, that is because back in the day, England had like this huge surplus of fish and they needed to keep their fishing boats afloat

because I'm not even joking that they're fishing boats. No, I know you're not joking. That's what makes it funny is that our world is the fucking dumbest. Yeah, like fishing boats were also the Navy and they had to keep the fishing boats employed so they could keep their Navy afloat. So it's your old pal, Sal Pescalito, your local fisherman. Hey, I just found a new missing page of the Bible. Like I found it blown around in the street like Bart's nightmare. Let me tell you, it says that Jesus loves fish on Fridays. Huge fan. Huge, huge fan. Trust me, I'm Sal Pescalito. I remembered my name from when I said it a minute ago, which is really the greatest, which is the greatest feat Griffin McRoy's ever done. It's a Lent miracle.

I've been waiting to reference Bart's nightmare for three years now. Finally, and that is the serious finale of My Brother, My Brother and Me. Okay, Taco Bell. I mean, here's the thing. Here's a little Lent secret. Have you guys ever given anything up for Lent? Can we address that first and foremost, maybe in high school and all your friends are doing it? No, we don't do Lent. No, I know, but like you didn't like, all your friends were doing it in high school. You're like, you know what, I am too. In college, we gave up fast food, but that was like a more of like an excuse for weight loss thing more than it was any kind of religious. And then what we did is we did not eat fast food for

40 days. And then on the 41st day, fuck it just slammed down everything. We drove an hour and a half to the closest jack in the box and like just loaded up the vehicle with fast food, drove home and had like a three hour feast of fast food. And then we all died. Yeah. Now tries as it goes. If you're going to do a Lent thing and you really want to do it for a month and some change, then it's got to be something you can realistically go without for a month and some change. So in that regard, I don't think this is a good idea. Because of course you're going to eat Taco Bell. You have to eat Taco Bell. You'll die. You'll die if you don't. I think if your special thing that you gave up for Lent to really prove your devotion to the

big guy is Taco Bell, he is already so thoroughly unimpressed with you that like he's not going to get out the calendar and double check you. Yeah. It's fine. You're trying your best. You clearly, you know, are giving it your best shot. Jesus, if you were going to give something up for Lent, what would it be? It's odd. It has been so obvious to me since the very beginning. There is only one thing that makes sense to give up for Lent and that's candy because it ends on Easter. So you are just like you have preserved your candy virginity. You are like the taste of the succulent tape. What? You're washed. I mean, you're washed clean and you're born again candy virginity. It's your second. You've patched your candy behind you. Your second gummy cherry.

Oh, yes. Thank you. And then once that big, beautiful bunny comes to your house and leaves you with that treasure. It takes your candy virginity. It takes your candy virginity. It is going to be the best candy you've ever eaten and God is going to be like, you see, you did it. I got you back. I'm so glad I invented jelly beans. The intent was always for people to give up candy for Lent. That's always what God intended for you to give up. That's why he made the Easter Bunny from Adam's foot. Did they have? Wow. That's yep. Child's right out. That's a hundred percent biblical scholar, Justin McRoy. I think, did they have candy back in Bethlehem days? Yeah, it was probably shitty. It was like

dried salted fish. I was going to say, yeah, it's like figs that they tried to jam in the shape of gummy bears. Like, hey kids, we invented candy. No, you didn't. That's a thing. I don't get ahead of me. I know I'm only 10, but I know a fig when I see one. It's like one of two foods that we have. It's figs and bread. That's all we got. We haven't even figured out you can eat the fish yet. What a great day that's going to be. Only on Fridays, though. Friday sucked it. Friday sucked it. Anything. I think back in those days, I think back in those days, like the sacrifices were so much like I gave up furniture. I gave up furniture for Lynn. I gave up standing up. You only had like six things that you could do. You have furniture, dates, bread, cocaine, trying to

your habit of trying to figure out a way to eat fish. Yeah, I don't know. Your obsession with the pursuit of edible fish. Just grab the head and the tail and just bite it somewhere. I don't know. Why does it have this armor on the outside of it? These are disgusting. I gave up scorpions. There are not a lot of foods that so willfully try to dissuade you from eating them. You think about fish for a second. Fish is uncovered in inedible, hard to remove little pieces of chitin. Yeah. And then once you get inside and finally find the meat, it's got razor sharp, tiny, thin bones that are invisible, invisible to the human eye. If there's ever been a clearer signal that we're not supposed to see that, I don't know what it is.

Maybe the blowfish that has the poison in it. That was that was one that Jesus like really tried to get the fucking net. Get it. You're not supposed to eat these up. But on Friday, the poison is nullified. I don't know if you knew that every Friday, Fugu Friday, just like just swallow it whole, baby. Let it roll. I think I might have made that thing up about the the English and the fish swallowed whole. Let it roll Catholicism. Another question. It's a new religion. Give it another. I need another question. I'm 22 and I've been working in a manufacturing plant for about six months. It's not a terrible job, but it is not what I want to be doing with my whole life. I have dreams of being a stand up comedian. I know it takes a really long time to

get to a point where I can support myself solely doing stand up. If I ever get to that point at all, brothers, how do I keep myself motivated at my current job while simultaneously pursuing my dream? First, let me sit. Roman Mars gave me some amazing advice recently. And I said that, you know, I was interested in doing like sketch comedy, but I felt like I was too old. And I said, how old is too old? And he said, do you know how old you'll be when you're successful at it? The same age you'll be if you don't try. And it's like, okay, excellent point. Wow. That dude is like everything he says is super on point. Yeah. Can you imagine if like one of us were like that? Like how much better

this show would be? It would be really good. When he said, like when you read that, did you hear like an ambient soundscape behind his words? Because I don't think I could talk. When I saw him at Max Funkon, I couldn't talk to him unless I started some sort of lovely ambient soundscape. He actually carries a tablet with him that's full of ambient sounds. And just when you start talking, he's like, hold up a finger. He's like, hold on, hold on, hold on. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And he hits it. You hear like, man, you're fine. 99% invisible. But he's a robot. Now, what he's at? Roman Mars is also a robot. Now, the question is not whether I should try. What he's saying is, how does he stay motivated

in his current job? While pursuing his dream. While pursuing his dream. You know, the thing, I think the thing is, though, like, you can always find, like, I'm sure there's an open mic night somewhere near you, you know, and if nothing else, when you're at work, write jokes in your head, you know what I mean? And then write them down on your break and then do what Steve Martin did and stand in front of your mirror for hours on end and practice your jokes and hone your craft and figure out the best delivery. And, you know, I tell you what, the only thing that ever kept me invested in, like, non-mentally taxing gigs, let's say that. The only thing that ever kept me invested, and this is

a good lesson for, like, people who run a business too and have their own employees. The only thing that ever kept me invested was ownership. When I would be given ownership of something, whatever it was, that was something that would invest me a lot more into the gig. So, like, when I was working at Best Buy, for example, I would try to sell karaoke machines by doing karaoke there to the delight, I assume, of all the customers. And, you know, everybody would take a turn, it was fun, but it was my project, it was something I came up with. We only had, like, two machines for sale. I'm pretty sure we never sold any, but I... So, not a great thing you did. So, when you say you tried, what you mean is you didn't try killing time by jerking off with a karaoke machine. No,

it's less about the impact on sales and more about the impact on myself as an employee because I felt more invested in my gig because I had ownership of something. But you weren't doing anything. You were just singing karaoke. But that wasn't the only part of my job that was impacted, my whole attitude towards the gig changed. And I would take on other, like, just decide, this is your section, this is the thing that you're going to crush and you're going to be responsible for it, it's your baby. And it's not juice, can I tell you, it sounds like you really killed it. Thanks, Griffin. I think I did a really good job. Those were not high-margin items, anyway. Selling one wouldn't have made that big of an impact. This guy works in manufacturing,

though, which I think is, like, a gig that is specifically designed to crush those kinds of feelings with, like, an iron Orwellian fist. Like, I'm taking charge of this one nut that I put on this one door. Then you do something that is not related to your job. Start a softball team. Take ownership of it. Buy a ping pong table. Well, don't buy a ping pong table. How about take ownership of your stand-up comedy career? He's asking about... He's asking about... Listen, Travis, if you one more time try to tell this guy how to pursue a stand-up comedy career when that is not his problem, I'm going to find someone who's better at advice than you. Let me throw this out. I hate having to throw that out there on you. I understand. Good luck. Let me throw this out.

Open the door, yell outside. Anyone want to tell me what to do? Like, yep, I got you. What if you set up a reward system? Cookie points. Yeah, more or less, where you say, like, every time I save $100 from my manufacturing job, I'll, you know, take myself out to dinner. I'll go see a, you know, a stand-up comedy show. I'll run a movie, whatever. But just something that makes it more than just the drudgery of work. Something that feels like you're building towards a goal. Yeah. I mean, that is good advice, actually. Ah, damn it. Yeah. All right, you're back. You're back on. Yeah, I did it. Now, here's how you pursue your stand-up comedy. God damn it. No, wait, no. I blew it. I blew it. Hello, brothers. In a few months, I am moving

with some friends of mine. They already have three housemates, a couple and the lady in the couple's little brother. Yes. What? No, that made, that sentence made sense to the people who heard it, but not to the person who said it out loud. Okay. A couple and the lady in the couple's little brother. It's the couple and one of their little brothers. Oh, the lady. Okay, got it. All right, got it. The couple is going to India for five months and the little brother is going to go to Thailand. Did you want to say Thailand? No. You're like Anthony Bourdain. So trash. So world smart. Just savvy. How did my friends and I tell the travelers that at least one of them will be essentially homeless when they return. That's for moving in Melbourne. I don't understand. I do not

understand. Just let them get home. Let them walk in. Your shit's there. In a few months, you're moving with some friends. They already have three housemates, the couple and the brother are leaving. How did your friends tell the travelers that, what? I don't understand. Are you It seems to me like they're moving to India for five months and this dude's like creeps sneaking in to take over one of their rooms while they're gone. Okay. So like that's probably not legal. I don't fucking understand. You can't just like, you don't have squatters rights if like somebody lives there already. Like if they don't know that they're not going to have a house when they get back, what the fuck are you talking about? Well, that's how they're trying to, that's

why they're trying to figure out how to tell them. How crazy is it in Melbourne? Like is it just a sort of a outlaw sort of system where if somebody, if you leave your house and somebody else rolls into your house, that's their house. Okay. Let's mathematically let's bust this down. Okay. A few months, you're moving in with some friends of mine. So we can assume that the non-moving parties are more than one person. We'll say it's two people. They have three housemates. This is a big ass house. It's got five people in it. Three of the housemates are leaving for a period of time. And then when they return, they're not going to have a place to live anymore because you're moving into their house. It sounds like, depending on how many friends you have in that house,

you are evicting a majority share of the house and that's just not how like anything works. You can't kick out a majority of the people in the house against their will. I don't think. This isn't fucking westeros. Like you can't just like fucking... I think what he's saying is, if one or, I mean, either the brother or, presumably, the couple isn't going to split. So... Ooh, make them choose. Are you saying get some pool cues, snap them over your knee, throw them to them and say you don't want to... Yeah, you don't want to say one of you will be evicted. Why do you say I like that? Oh, that's your Australian accent.

Yeah. Not good. Not good. Not great. Throw another shrimp on the buck. Terrific. Fantastic. Bye, Australia. Hey, Australia. Thanks for listening and supporting us. Oh, they know. I've got an Australian friend. I can say whatever. Sorry, Travis. Thanks. You sound like Orson Welles. Yeah. All of you. And fat Orson Welles too. You're welcome. This is the fucking house of leaves of my brother, my brother, me questions. I still don't understand the scenario.

Can I just suggest an answer that we have gotten more, leaned on more frequently, I think, in our, in our twilight years? Just tell them. Just tell them and sit and use your word and just tell them. Can I role play this though? I'll be, you be the person telling and I will be the parties that are moving away for a while. Crikey, Jim. Okay, start over. I'm sorry to have... Do a try again. Okay. Start over. Garblimey, governor. Nailed it.

I have some bad news for you. Okay, I'm listening. When you're moving out, it's going to be really hard for us. Oh, we're not moving out. We're just hopping out to Australia. We're going to put, you know, you feel free to sublet them, but then we're going to get back because we're a majority share of the people living in the house. We're just going to hop back right in there. You bring up an excellent point, Griffin. Are they planning on paying rent for the five months they're gone? See, I, I would like to suggest I would like to make a motion to table

reason being that we do not have enough information to, to accurately and professionally solve this problem. Seconded. Seconded. All those in favor say aye. Aye. Aye. All those opposed? Aye. Abstain. Motion passes. I abstain until marriage. Let's get paid.

March is National Start Your Business Month. All right. Listen. And April is National Finish This Business Month. You hate your manufacturing job. You love standup comedy. It's time to start your business. Don't worry about the numbers. God, Jesus take the wheel. Start a standup comedy business. Start at your own standup comedy business for National Start Your Business Month. And legal zoom is going to help you. You can form your incorporation or LLC and file your DBA.

Also, these are some funny motherfuckers. They will write all your goose 100% of your material. They are the Bruce Valanche of third party legal companies. This month only, you can take advantage of legal zoom. It's got a National Start Your Business Month special. You get a free three month trial of all new QuickBooks, which is worth $120. Well, $119, but still. And that's when you enter my brother in the referral box at checkout. So that's pretty great. And it's just because we love you. QuickBooks makes it easier to run your new business, your standup comedy business,

and you're worth it. So please keep in mind legal zoom provides self-help services and connect you with the right attorney, but they're not a law firm. What they are, are the funniest legal document assistance company on the planet. You like this podcast? You think this podcast is fun? You should listen to the legal zoom cast. Oh, shit. Jokes on jokes. Split sides like Jack the Ripper. That's legal zoom.com. Use the promo code my brother. All one word. They have it intercapped here. I don't know if you need to do that, but my brother in legal zoom. Start that business. You're worth it. Kick it off.

Guys, my brother, my brother and me is also supported by Warby Parker, which is a new concept in eyewear. Glasses are expensive in most cases. I just actually bought some glasses, like a demo, and it cost me $600 million, like a borat. Are you telling me you got rid of the Randy Jackson shades? The Randy Jackson shades were apparently my prescription in those particular framers were like ancient because I went to a doctor and he's like, let me try this. And I was like, oh, shapes. You can suddenly see through the wall. I remember shapes. Sure. So yeah, I got rid of those. I got rid of those Randy Jackson's. I got Lucky Brand,

like the jeans, and they're cool. I think they look all right, but on the inside it says Lucky U, which I also have a pair of jeans that say that on the zipper when you unzip them. So like, if you're getting into the act of intimacy, and then it's like a little banner that's like, hey, I'm a douche nozzle. Anyway, that was a very long. Don't be a fuck up. Don't be a fuck up so hard. Go to Warby Parker and you can get a fashion forward prescription eyed glasses that start at $95. What? Yeah. And they include anti reflective anti glare coating. I did pay extra for those on my stupid ass douche glasses. And that $95 includes the prescription? Includes prescription includes the frames includes the anti reflective and anti glare

coating, which you should use if you use a computer a lot. Now here's the like, let me give you the let me give you the the big best thing about Warby Parker, the thing that really fucked up. They have a home try on program. They'll go to send you five pairs of glasses to right to your house. You try them on, you pick the ones you want, preferably the ones that don't say Lucky U on the inside. And then you send them back the ones you don't want back. You don't are not obligated to buy anything. It's like a gift for you. They also have prescription polarized sunglasses for $150. No big deal. This is a great protect your eyes. That's a great deal because what I had to do was go to the glasses store by myself, put on glasses and take

pictures of myself discreetly using my phone and then send them to my wife saying, do these make me look like an asshole? We've all been there. I did the same thing the last time I tried on stupid boy. Do I love taking pictures of myself in public? Don't do that. Go to Warby Parker. If you go to warbyparker.com slash my brother, you can get free three day shipping on your five home try on frames, which is crazy. So go to that warbyparker.com slash my brother all one word. And don't embarrass yourself in public. Got a message for Alita from will. Alita says you filled Oh, this, this seems like a song, but I'm going to try my best. There's definitely no do it like a beat poet. Okay. Can you guys give me some like some beats? You know that's not what it comes in

between. You filled me with such love and joy since before I got a one knee marriage to use greater still how we were meant to be this year. We made discovery like you, you and D and D commitments that strengthen ours and brought you closer to me. So, uh, that's the end of it. I assume she didn't have enough room to make up the last rhyme. So, but I don't care. You're my snuggle bear. I'll just, I'll just write that for Alita. So I'm glad you guys are in love. That makes me very happy. Alita and Will, and I hope you have many more to come. Travis, do we have any other messages? We do for Tommy S. It's from Claire S. It's a special birthday wish. I'm hoping the macro brothers will gift

to you a new term of endearment. You've had the same one since 2002 and only their collective genie can replace it with something. It's the plural of genitalia. I think I love you so much and look forward to the next 150 birthdays together. P. S. Let's make a baby. Boom. What is whoa? Why are we doing and then it says dear macro brothers, please help with a knit and then it's cut off. So I don't know. I'm assuming it's new baby, a new baby. All right. I can give you some some. Okay. So here's what you're going to need to do. Here's how that all works. New term of endearment. Uh, what baby maker? What's the name? Claire S. How about this? Claire's. No, it's four Tommy. No, it's four Tommy. Shit. No, but call him Claire. How about that?

What about Tommy's? King baby maker. Uh huh. What about Prince? Prince is too much. Baby hose. Squiggy face. Rummy, tummy, Tom, Tom. No. Rummy, tummy, Tom, Tom is very good. Tommy gun. Tommy gun. Like the porn star? Yeah. I think Tommy gun's a boss. Tommy touch a lot. Tommy toucher. Tommy toucher. Touchable Tom. Tom. Ricky Ticky Tommy. Earl Ray Tomlin. The Tommyist. The Who's Tommy. Yes. The Who's Tommy. That will be fine. This wasn't an expensive message. The Who's Tommy is good enough for this, I think. Wonderful. Still think Rummy, tummy, Tom, Tom is. I'm sticking with what you think. You have many options that you can choose from at your discretion. Uh, so please enjoy them. Hello, I'm Judge John Hodgman and I'm

Bailiff Jesse Thorn. Can you force your girlfriend to listen to heavy metal music? Is a machine gun a robot? Is it okay to take coupons out of the garbage if you're Canadian? What should you do if your parrot attacks your husband? Can you prove that Crank 2 is a good movie? Only one man can decide. Judge John Hodgman. If you have a case for the judge's court, visit Maximumfun.org slash JJ Ho. If you just want to listen in, find us on the web or free in iTunes. My boyfriend and I look extremely like with pale skin, blonde hair and blue eyes. Everyone knew we meet automatically assumes we're brother and sister. We've been dating for almost two years, however, this problem still hasn't gone away. How do we crush the assumption that we're siblings

without having to explain to everyone beforehand that we're in a relationship? When I was in college once, I went to a 7-Eleven with a girlfriend at the time and we were getting some slurpees and we got the slurpees, we took them to the register and the guy inexplicably went, are you all brother and sister? And we're like, no, we're not. We're boyfriend and girlfriend. We're dating. And he felt so bad that he gave us our slurpees for free. So I guess that this story- Why would he just like volunteer that judgment? Right. I guess this whole story is to say like, you shouldn't. Like you can maybe turn this into free slurpees. This could be worse. You could actually be brother. Or they could think you're

like mom and son. I have never and I don't think there's any exception to this. I have never gone to a restaurant with my wife because she's a much more attractive human than I am. I've never gone to a restaurant with my wife. Categorically and objectively. Yes, in every respect. I have never been asked, are you two together? Are these separate checks? Never not been asked. The assumption, I have to imagine the assumption that she is in some way my caregiver, that that is the relationship that we share, that it could not be a romantic one. Somewhere the waiters are going, how long does big brothers, big sisters last? Yeah, because at some point they grow up and stop hanging out with them. This is a wicked big brother at this point. This brother is aged.

Biggest brothers, biggest sisters. So it could be worse. I mean the obvious answer is you just dye your hair, right? Something fun. Who does it though? Get a full face. How do you decide who does it? You both have to do it. That's the deal with the devil you're going to make. But like dye their hair the same color? No, one of you go red, one of you go blue. Someone's getting the short end of that stick. Yeah. Well maybe that would go great with one of their looks, I don't know. How about like homemade t-shirts? Not his brother? Yeah. You say that? Yeah. Yeah, but then you got to wear the same shirt. Who is asking you about this? I can see like if you meet new people, some of them being like, so are you two brothers?

You know, like, I don't know. No, see like I told that delightful slurpy anecdote, but like outside of that, this has literally never happened to me before. Nobody ever, because everybody's fucking bad at this. Nobody, like everybody knows how bad they are at this. Nobody would say that. Nobody would guess. It's like a faux pas on the level of like, hey, when's the baby due? Like you don't fucking say it. You don't say that shit. Here's an idea. When you meet new people, when you're being introduced to them, and someone says like, hey Steve, come over here and meet my two friends, immediately start making out. Well then. Just like hardcore. So that way either Steve is going to safely assume that you

are not brother and sister, or Steve is still going to assume that you're brother and sister and be real freaked out. Maybe. Or maybe Steve's down. Maybe Steve's down. Listen, I don't want to, I don't want to judge Steve at this point. I don't know what Steve's into. Hey, I don't want to label it. You know, that's Steve's life. I haven't lived his life. I haven't been there. I don't know what he's seen or done. I just can't believe in 2014 that this is an issue people are bringing. I know that's crazy to me. Yeah, it seems a little nutty to me too. I mean, I guess you could just introduce him or her as your partner in smooching. Do you guys want a Yahoo? Yes. Okay. This Yahoo was sent in by Ira Ray.

Are you Ira Ray? Who wants to know? Thank you, Ira Ray. It's by Yahoo Answers User. Oh, Digery Dude, who asks. Pretty good. Nice. Why won't they let me play the Digery Dude as part of the band for our church choir on Sundays? Wait, hold on. Is this a dude who identifies himself purely based on his Digery Dude skills? Or it is a sentient Digery Dude. Why won't they let me play myself? Pastor says can't play with myself no more. This is an important question. I'm sorry, everyone. One more time. Why won't they let me play the Digery Dude as part of the band for our church on Sundays, our church choir on Sundays?

It would be super dope. Period. That's it. Yeah. That would be here like amazing grace and every so often just like, our God is an awesome God. He reigns from. It just sounds like the beginning of Survivor every time. Listen, churches are trying to get like fucking hip with the kids, especially with their music, because it's like easy to just like, hey, we have an electric guitar. We're basically switch foot. I think there's a lot of alternate percussion going on there. A lot of gym. Every church now has a didgeridoo, a rainstik. A ditch, a gym, a gym, a gym bay, a rainstik, a glockenspiel, and hand bells. That's it. And that's how you, and they make beautiful. It's a ragtag group. You would think no way that good music comes out of that,

but then they win the church band competition and they save the rec center. Justin, are you missing? I'm mixing a lot of genre. You're being very quiet. Are you googling Digery Dude or? No, I know what Digery Dude is doing in front. I just guess I don't understand the question really. Is there something inherently sinful about the Digery Dude? I guess is the question. It's phallic. It is extremely phallic, and you do put your mouth on it, and I do not think that that is something that they would appreciate at the final congregation. But they let Ms. Margaret play her oboe in the church band. That's the most phallic instrument there is. It's got foreskin. I have seen people play Digery Dude in public before, and every time I see it, I have exactly

one question. It's always the same question. What are you trying to prove? Hey, check this out. You said I can't play Digery Dude, but I can prove you wrong right now, categorically. We all do very good dig impressions, I think. If I'm not mistaken, I think that you play a Digery Dude by putting your mouth on it and making Digery Dude sounds through it. It's just a tube that you make Digery Dude noises into your mouth. I play Digery Dude with this cardboard tube. Do you remember that book we used to have as kids? Hey kids, turn these household items into digits. Got that from the library. It was a fun rainy day activity. It was called What Can't Be a Digery Dude. Toilet paper rolls. Your hands. Paper towel rolls.

Wrapping paper rolls. Serene wrap rolls. Biscuit tins when you take the biscuits out. You're very careful. You don't want to wrap that shit. You can't dig an unwrapped biscuit roll. Stupid fuck. That was the sequel book. Dummy. How to dig an unwrapped biscuit roll. It's that process. Croissant. Croissant. Can you dig a croissant? Oh, baby. You ain't lived until you dig a croissant. Gotta be a big and thick one though. Gotta be a grand croissant. And you burrow a little hole in there like you're making pigs in a blanket, but you're not. You're making a digit in a blanket. I once lived in a pig in a blanket. No. Me and my pig friend Porky. We live inside it. Your hourly sounds a lot like your Snowden, but without a lisp. Have you noticed that?

He's my brother. Okay. Fantastic. We are brother and sister. It is true. He hides inside my heart. I once used the Omelette DVD as a ditch. Not a deep, not a lot of reverb on that particular ditch, but thank you for ditching my movie. You're welcome. I didn't watch it. I just ditched it. That's actually what digital distribution means. Did you know that? Yeah. It means sending a movie through a didgeridoo. It's a man who describes hit films while talking to you through a didgeridoo. And the dream is actually within the dream, and then he wakes up and it's fucking suck it. It's totally depressing. He's a slave for 12 years. He's a free man.

So for the second time, they have to pretend this dead guy is alive. It's weak into Bernie's too. It's important that they ditch the name of the teacher. Didgeridoo's. We're done. We did it. We got to the end. And you made it the whole way, so you have to take some ownership of that. You listen to the whole thing, and that's on you. It's my brother, my brother, and me, and we're so happy to be able to do it for you every week. Next week is huge. It is our first of two Max Fun Drive specials. We are ramping up the Max Fun Drive. There's going to be lots of awards and presents that you can get for supporting the network, plus an opportunity to help make the best podcast network in the world even better.

And you're going to be able to be there for that. It's going to be a great show. We hope you will join us. We do some extra long eps. We got that bonus app for anybody who donates. We also have bat catalog of bonus episodes, so if you haven't donated before and you give this year and you start your contributions, then you'll get all of that. You'll also get bonus episodes from every other show on the network. It's a pretty crazy amount of content at this point. I think there are like five, my brother, my brother, means two... I think it's like three or four. No, because we had the Max Fun Day episode.

Oh, shit. There's five, my brother, my brother, means there's two with our dad. There's two RIF videos that we made, goofing on an old instructional, educational video. And there's actually 15 minutes of our Austin live show. Oh, that's right. I mean, that's just us. Every show on the network is going to have stuff like that, too. You should also be listening to those other shows. If you're not, like Bullseye and Throwing Shade and Stop Podcasting Yourself and The Goose Down and Saw Bones. And you'll get bonus shit for all that stuff, too. So just think about if you have listened for

a while and you've never really thought about it. Just give it a ponder if you can help support us, because that is like... We get some scratch from the jumbotrons and the advertisements and stuff, but like a bulk of the support that we get is through the Max Fun Drive, which is incredible. So yeah, think about keeping us afloat. That'll all be next week. Thank you to people tweeting about the show, like Jeremy Baker, Louisa Herron, Tom Chamberlain, Paul Weathers, Kim G, Drew Davenport, Scott, Patty Benning, Moogie, Dr. B, so many others. We really, really, really appreciate it. And we want to say thanks again to LegalZoom for supporting the show and for offering that just baller, quick books deal.

LegalZoom is not a law firm, but provides self-help services at your specific direction. So just go to LegalZoom.com and enter the discount code MyBrother to get that awesome, awesome, quick book deal and just check out the services they have. If you're looking to start a new business, this is the month to do it. You want to write a will? Play on, Diane. You got to hit there first. Yeah. Thanks to John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album Putting the Days to Bed. Had a listener tweet at me and you and you saying that they finally caved and bought the album. Not sure what took them so long. It is fucking phenomenal. So go check that out and buy it where albums are sold.

That's going to do it for us. My brother and me, we got one more question from Ditto Griffin. Hit us. Sure. This one was sent in by Emerald Member Drew Davenport. Thank you, Druids by Yahoo Answers. User Selena, who asks, Does rolling and licking the blunts give cancer? Oh, just a McRoy. I'm Travis. I'm Griffin McRoy. It's been my brother, my brother and me. Kiss your dad. School wear on the lips. 420. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. I'm Cameron Esposito and each week I'm joined by my fellow podcasters, Rhea Butcher. That's me

and Ricky Carmona. I am Ricky Carmona. We talk about action and sci-fi movies on a little show called Wham Bam Pow. You can find it on Maximumfun.org. It's amazing. Super fun. True that. Reviews, news and stuff you can use.