My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 194: Popeye's Daedalus Protocol
Episode Date: March 31, 2014Thanks for helping us blow MaxFunDrive 2014 out of the water, everyone! For your donations and support, we have rewarded you with an episode rich in discusson of toilet sounds. Suggested talking poi...nts: Prank of the Century, Merch Prison, French Hillbilly, Moped Stigma, Baby Advice, A Gorilla Stole My Website, Southern Fried Nanomachines, Bathroom Music
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The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed.
Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it.
Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there
will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby?
Hi, everybody. Welcome, my brother, my brother, and me, an advice show for the modern era.
I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy.
And I'm the baby baby baby, Griffin McElroy. We are, you have reached us here at Prank HQ.
Tomorrow is April Fool's Day. As you know, assuming you're listening to some Monday,
and we are prepping for the biggest prank of the year. Before we came in to start recording,
when we were out in the lobby, before we came into the studio, Griffin told me he had the best,
the biggest idea for a prank to pull on anybody ever in the history of prankdom.
He said it was going to make us the mayors of Prankton, is what he said.
And I said, wait, hold that thought. Don't tell me the prank plan now. We're in the lobby.
Wait till we're in front of the MICs. So, Griffin, now that we have retired to the recording studio,
we are in front of the mics. The show started. I'm laying on our shades lounges.
Lay it out for me, Griffin, prank of all time. Prank of the century that I can't just let everyone
know to reiterate that I definitely came up with ahead of time. And then I like informed Justin to
set up this intro so that I would just come out and say what the prank was that I invented
ahead of time before we started recording. Right, I feel like I've contextualized a read
stalled. You may be thinking like, is this like one of those things where Justin's just saying this,
and that didn't really happen. And it's just like a fun way to see how Griffin reacts in a situation
where like, he is the lobster. He's just been thrown into the boiling water. Can he escape from
the trap? Or is this not a trap at all? Did he mean to get his goose cooked? Mixing my animal
cooking metaphors. But that's quite all right. Griffin, I'm ready for the prank of all time.
I mean, I guess there's a lot of stuff that you need to understand before
I can reveal the prank. Like my prank controls on a lot of different influences. Are you familiar
with the jerky boys? I am. I love their work. Not those jerky boys. I'm talking about the
hoodlums who hang out outside of my local sit-go and they shoplift and eat beef jerky and just
like the stoop. Oh, Steve and Tom. Steve and Tom. The jerky, but the one of two mouths always
smelled like smoky teriyaki. Like smoky teriyaki. I think it's supposed to be teriyaki, but for some
reason when it's smoky, they call it smoky teriyaki. Teriyaki, bec. So that's important. So you need
to know the jerky boys. Got it. How much friends Kafka have you read? I mean, just like anybody
else, I understand when people reference metamorphosis, but I have not actually read any of his work.
Yeah, no. He did write a book about a bug. I say this because my prank involves a giant bug
that used to be a man. So that's going to be tricky. I'm not going to lie to you. There's a lot of,
I would say, impossible setup for this prank that is going to render it literally impossible to
achieve, but if we can do it. Okay, now I have a question. What about Damon? Are we going to get
Matt Damon on board? Is Damon like into this? What about Damon Wayman? Hi, everybody. He's a
smoky teriyaki. What about Damon Wayman's smoky teriyaki king on the Midwest?
There are three Wayans involved. Three Wayans involved. Can you guess which ones? You can,
because one of them is Hank Wayans. Not a lot of people know about him.
The third are Hank Wayans Jr. Hank Wayans. He is not a famous actor, but boy,
can he fucking pull a prank with the best of them. Who's the prank on? Who are we pranking with this
prank? Well, this is the thing. It's sort of like a choose your own adventure. It's just an empty
slate that you can fill with whoever you want to use it on. You know what I mean? It's not like
I'm going to prank like the president. I mean, that would be a pretty good one. I don't know how
I'm going to get the bug into the White House. Sorry, the bug that was a human that was transformed
by magic. Can you have the jerky boys pose as caterers? That would be easy because that's their
job. But you think their fucking job is just hanging out outside the gas station. You think
that's how they make their living? No, they're White House caterers. They're White House caterers.
So they're going to sneak Mayman Wayans into the White House in some sort of like rolling
cart because he's small and also an acrobat. He's very, very, very little. And then they rob the
casino. But at the same time, they show that the casino owner doesn't really love his wife
so that Mayman Wayans can get back with the wife. That's going to happen. That's not really like
the point of the prank. It's not really funny, but like the great thing about this prank is that
it's going to change and improve the lives of everybody involved with it. So not a joke per
say. There's not a punch there. There is a butt. There is a butt of the joke. And it's our American
president in this specific example. But everybody else who's involved with it is going to get a
little something on the side. Well, Griffin, I am so excited about this prank. I can't wait to
stunt it and pull it off with the whole crew, the jerky boys, Mayman Wayman Daymans, Smoky
Terioki, the whole gang. I'm so glad they're all going to get together for one last big heist.
Yep. And I'm glad that I was able to sort of outline exactly what the prank was.
Yep. Well, thank you for coming up with it ahead of time.
It is to just we're going to steal all the toilets.
So Obama's Obama's going to be running around. Hey, I thought I had a toilet in here.
Great, great, great, great, great, great impression.
Hey, Joe, did you? Did you steal the toilets, Joe?
Is that Joe Biden? No, I didn't. I'd left him wherever I used him.
Is he Charles Nelson Riley? He's Joe Biden.
Are you sure he's not the lead singer of the B 52s?
Super pussy. Okay. Nobody's going to get super pussy. That's like the deepest
inside joke basically ever. And that was a fake B 52 song that Griffin came up with.
I don't think it's that hard. Six years ago. Like 150 years ago. Super pussy.
Can you do it once? Because I don't super pussy.
Hey there, brothers. My boyfriend is in a band that's starting to get really big.
I go to one of his shows every weekend pretty much. My issue, I'm assuming it's the B 52s.
My issue is that I don't know how to act when I watch him on stage.
I feel awkward being right up front staring at him, but I wanted to notice me in the crowd.
I'm five feet tall, so I get lost in the crowd pretty easily. Do you have any ideas for how I can
be a good supportive band girlfriend and not come off as awkward or just stand in there?
And that's from feeling oxos in Chicago. I have a question for you guys about this.
Okay. Is there a way to ask the boyfriend if he actually cares whether she's there or not
without it sounding like she's asking him to release her from going?
That's what I'm saying. When I played Templeton the Rat in our community theater production
of Charlotte's Web, which critics hailed that performance as revolutionary,
to pretending to be a rat, I wanted our meme to be there once, but I would feel guilty if she
had to sit through the same shit. And it was not good. Outside of my revolutionary rat performance,
it was not a great show. I don't want her, I start to feel guilty if Momo is out in the audience
all 14 showings. But then the problem being that as soon as the person says,
hey, do you really care if I'm there or not? I'm afraid all it's going to sound like is,
hey, I don't want to come see your show.
You can only enjoy their ironic cover of Tiny Dancer so many times before it starts to grow a
little stale and perhaps the effect is lost on you. Are you putting this person on blast because
they're not very tall? No. Actually, that was not intentional. That would be the work of a much
swifter man to myself. Ooh, I have a great idea. Convince your boyfriend and their band to start
selling some merch, and then you work the table. So you're there as a supportive girlfriend. You
don't have to stand up in the front. But then do you get like a cut? Because then your boyfriend
does, but your boyfriend does. Oh, okay. Oh, that's some dog shit then. Hey, babe, babe, babe, babe,
I'm gonna be up on stage shredding. And then I'm gonna be backstage shredding too, if you know what
I mean. But hey, well, I'm back there. Babe, can you do me one flavor? Babe, can you do me one
flavor? Just go do this unpaid job for me and I'll get all the profits. Okay, well, then I bet you
could ask for a cut. Yeah, I don't think you need to ask for a cut. I think between standing there
staring at your boyfriend as he sings versus like doing an activity that you know what you're doing
and is like some fucking devil sticks. If you want to like occupy your time, like don't don't
make this poor this poor woman like start shoveling coal. Hey, why are you shitting on my awesome idea?
Travis had a great idea of this man or woman. I'm assuming woman only because five feet tall,
but it could be man, many gentlemen and because she says supportive girlfriend, but that's fine.
No, but Travis has a great idea. What? Okay, let me let me take Travis's idea
and push it one step further. Why don't you join the band? Well, okay, so I was gonna say sort of
join the band, but you don't know how to play any instruments. So what do you do? You become the
dancing guy the money my boss tones like that kind of vibe. You become like the hype man. You become
like what's that cat's name Ben something like that. You become like no like the guy who's there
dancing. Like the guy who wears the nice suit and has an umbrella always during outcast performances.
Yes. What was his name? Oh, I used to know his name too. Rufus Wainwright, I think it was.
What? I don't think that was who that was. I think it was Rufus Wainwright. I don't think that's who
that was. I'm pretty sure it wasn't that. Fonzworth Bentley, Fonzworth Bentley, Fonzworth Bentley.
I was so close. You weren't close fucking at all. You got 0% of his name right. There was
some several more letters. Okay, sure. So be like the Fonz or like Ben the guy from Mighty Mighty
Boss Dones and just dance on stage. Just get up on stage. Now you don't have to dance good. In fact,
it would be better if you didn't. If you know how to skank it, that particular dance grace,
I don't know if your boyfriend is in a ska band, but that's always a popular maneuver. Yeah.
I think that getting involved in some more concrete way, whether it be dancing or merge sales
and nothing but those two things, I think that that's going to help you pass the time,
make you feel a bit more purposeful, purpose driven life. But there's like eight seasons
of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix that this woman needs to watch. Uh-huh. But that's what I love.
That's what I love. You sit at the merch table. You're not going to have to do anything till
after the band plays. You could be on Netflix on your phone. But you can't hear all the funny jokes
from Marshall and Lily and the crew. You put on headphones. Over all the loud, loud, ska music.
That's the great thing about working is that when you want to not be at the concert, you have a great
excuse. It's a lot harder sell to say, I'm too tired to go listen to your band play than I'm too
tired to go work the merch table. So if you solidify that that's what you do with the shows,
then it is a lot more excusable if you need to get out of it once in a while, because now you've
turned it into a job. It already sounds like a job either way. Listen, I have no comment on your guy's
relationship or whatever, but having to go to the same concert, no matter how
incredible it may be every single time, every weekend though.
Hey babe, babe, babe. Did you hear what I went na na na na na na?
Yeah, like na na na na na. I heard it today and I heard it on the 28th and then I heard it on the
21st. Babe, babe, it's different. I went na na na na na na instead of na na na na na na.
Yeah, no, that was really, it was really good and it did take the song and they
could totally different direction, but I am just gonna kick it at home today,
because they just added the first Captain America movie to Netflix.
But tonight I was gonna go na na na na na na here.
And change the title of the song. No, just my, just my didgeridoo part.
This is a pretty crazy band. What is this? Is this that?
It's Rustin Root. Oh. They're back. I heard that they're back in a big, big way, but I didn't.
They're back. This is, but this is like, this is the new Rustin Root, like the new monkeys.
A bunch of people got together and decided to be Rustin Root again.
Yeah, no, it's sort of like Dr. Who. It's just a mantle that's passed from band to band.
Why does it fucking well be? That's what they say to me on my way. It's like,
you've had fun with this band name for a while, but it's time to let it go and let somebody else
have a chance to be Rustin Root. Goatye actually used to be Rustin Root. Wow. And then they,
then they sent it on its way. And now they're just, yeah, sure. This Yahoo was sent in by
David DeCruz. Thank you, David. It's by Yahoo Answers User. How can I include? Oh, no, I fucked up
because they changed how this shit works. Nobody saved, nobody on. Thank you. Thank you, David.
It's by Yahoo Answers User, Ghostgate, who asks, how can I include my guinea pig more in my daily
life? Please help. Okay, so I have a male G pig, and I want to include him in my daily life. Okay,
so from Monday to Friday from like 7am to 4pm, I'm at school. I let him walk in my room. Whoa.
I let him walk in my room, but I want to have him in all my daily stuff, such as when I go out,
or just pretty much in everything that's possible. But I have a problem. It's a dumb problem,
but it's affecting me. Problem is that I can't afford to wash every day. I'm kind of broke.
And so I can't change cloth every time he loses hair on me. I know it's pretty stupid,
but that's my situation. So do you recommend buying a G pig carrier? Or what do I do? He
doesn't have a buddy. Oh my God, this question. He also doesn't have a buddy. I, I know they
supposed to be in pairs and all, but I know my story and can't really afford another G pig.
So that's why I want him in my life more and not just because of that, but also because I want
like a closer friend. No, I'm not a loner, but more of a close pet cause I enjoy pet interaction.
So please, please help me out and give me ideas with my weird problem. Please thank you.
Sign Bill Gates. Sign Bill Gates inventor of the computer.
Griffin, at this point, can you edit in the sound of me running down a long highway and jumping through
a stained glass window? Because that's what I emotionally, that's where I'm at right now.
You didn't have to read it, man. That was like, I felt like I was doing a sly lock fox there.
This gentleman, this gentleman can't afford to wash, but can't afford to feed a G pig.
How are your priorities? I think he can afford to wash his body,
but I don't think he can afford to like go to the laundromat every day because his stupid
fucking filthy pig rat got his stupid, filthy hair all over his jeans and his shirts. Maybe
like invest in a lint roller. Maybe that would be a way that you could or shower with your clothes
or just put the G pig in like a Ziploc bag before you put it in your pocket.
What's a great idea, Trav? What's a G pig carrier?
I don't know, it's a Ziploc bag. It's a lunchbox pretty much, right?
What's the point at that point if you can't like, this is what I'm saying. How do you affix
this G pig to yourself in a manner that still makes it feel like you have an animal attached to
you? Back in the day, back in like a French revolution times, ladies would make their hair
into like a cage and keep live birds in it until the bird died. Maybe that, maybe that,
maybe you make a G pig cage out of your hair and then the G pig rides on top of your head.
Why would they wait? Why would they wait for the bird to die?
Because they didn't care about it as a pet, it was just as a decoration.
Because they didn't know how to get it out. Well, that was also important.
Guys, we fucked up again.
Listen, you did a great job with my hair, but how did the bird out?
Fuck, I did it again. How didn't you notice there's a bird in my hair?
No, I put the bird in, I put the bird in there, but I was constructing the framing
for your hair. I forgot the door part again. You left, you left a bird in my hair. You know
what's going to happen? There's somebody to take pictures of. It's going to be in a history book
and people are going to think this is how we did it. Man, those people were dicks to their birds.
See, that's what they're going to say. That's what they're going to say.
I didn't want to burn my hair. I hate this. I hate this haircut. Oh, god damn it. I love
living in France, though. I love France. I love France. God damn, our bread's so good.
Hey, y'all, I hope we don't get beheaded. Oh, boy. You know who I meant to? Napoleon.
I wish someone had invented a moon pile already.
Oh, shucks. Oh, hooks.
Oh, man. I'm so sunburned right now. I've got sun delirium and I'm hoping that it's going to like
let me tap in. Oh, hell, wait. I know what you're saying.
Iron man style. Get this. Can you embed the guinea pig in your chest?
And running on a on a wheel somehow that powers you. Oh, I love that. That would be like a fun,
like, parody. What do you think? We could do like a fun parody, like those, what are those,
those fucking hilarious scary movies, like those parodies that could be like superheroes and that
could be like how we do Iron Man. What I don't, the thing that bothers me most about this question
is the idea of this person, unless their GPig have free reign over their room. Crazy, crazy,
crazy, crazy. That's crazy on many levels. One, what's it doing? Two, can you think of anything
less appealing when you finish a long day at work knowing you have to go home and go on a GPig hunt?
Is it in the laundry basket? Is it in the closet? Where is it? It's small and tidying.
Where didn't it poop? I had a buddy in college who had a hedgehog, which is like
awesome. Like across the board, that's awesome. But he let it just room free in his house,
in his whole house. And then like, I would go over there. And every time I went over there to
hang out, it would be like instant dread, like I'm going to step on this little thing and it's
going to hurt me and kill him. I'm going to sit on the wrong pillow. I'm going to sit on the wrong
pillow and this hedgehog is going to be fucking underneath it. And it's going to be a fun prank.
But not fun, I guess, by any conceivable metric because I will kill the animal.
I bought a moped in high school not knowing the social consequences that came with it.
Now that college is upon me, do I bring it to school or keep it at home and be forced to walk
around campus like the rest of my scholars? P.S. I bought the moped second hand and the previous
owner put a super loud exhaust on it to make it go fast. This subsequently makes me look like a huge
tool. That's from easily confused in New Hampshire. P.S. Efficiently, actually, which is weird that
you- P.S. Efficiently confused. P.S. Like, messed that up. I am so glad that they, this is okay,
this is textbook, good question submission to my brother, my brother and me. Because if it had just
been the first part, I would have been like, I don't get the big deal. I think moped's are pretty
great. If I had one here in Austin, I would use it to go everywhere. But the idea of having a super
loud exhaust on it takes this thing and turns it right on its head because like the whole thing
about a moped is that you're supposed to be very, it's like a very discreet means of transport.
P.S. It's a very ashamed, it's an ashamed means of transport. P.S. You don't have to feel shameful
about it, but it's not like something you want to be like, ah, moped, check me out. And if you put
like a super bang and exhaust on it, like that's exactly what you- P.S. It's like you put like
20 inch rims on your razor scooter. Like you stop it. P.S. You don't think about it. Sometimes
some people own ostentatious things. You tend to make assumptions about them. You don't think
about the fact that they might have just gotten stuck with it by happenstance. You don't really
make you think, you know. P.S. Right. Like when I, when I inherited- P.S. This is water, you know.
P.S. When I inherited your Oldsmobile Cutlass Sierra. P.S. Right. P.S. Like I didn't have any choice
of the matter. It was just the most balling car in Huntington, West Virginia at the time. And so
like I would drive around like bumping those speaker ratlin' tunes that had broken off inside
the car's cassette player. And then people would be like, man, what a jerk that guy must be with
all of his money. And I'd be like, sorry, sorry guys. It's not me. It's my brother. He's the one
who tricked us out. P.S. Sorry, player haters. P.S. Sorry, player haters. I know the hood ornament's
gone. That's what my brother did. And like I know it's a sick look, but it wasn't me. P.S. When the
option is walking, the alternative has to be better. So you just have to make peace with the fact
that you're the guy with the loud electric bicycle. Is that what a moped is? It's basically an
electronic bicycle. I actually completely agree with Justin on this one. Do you, Travis? I do. See,
that's two out of three. That's a majority. So complete is your guy's hatred of ambulation.
You would rather be like piggybacked. My life, Griffin, my day-to-day life is trying to figure
out how to make the least amount of trips to and from someplace. If it means loading up my arms
in a painful manner just so I do not have to walk back to somewhere to get more things and go back,
I will do it because walking is so awful. Why is it? It's like what we did for a billion years.
Yes. And then other animals see us walking and they're like, ah, we're equals. We're not equals.
You stupid idiots. And then they hop on their mopeds. They all squirrel mopeds. Can you imagine?
Can you imagine? I see not a Stuart Little. Oh, God. I love him so much. I love him. I want to
squeeze him, squeeze him. Oh, I killed him again. Listen, I don't think mopeds have,
have a, I think you are imagining a moped stigma. Do you guys, let me ask you two,
do you have especially harsh feelings about mopeds? No. Jealousy, I guess, because like usually
if I see one I'm walking because otherwise I'm not going to notice. I'm just going to assume it's
like a tiny motorcycle. If you saw a man going on one of those giant bikes with the one huge wheel,
and one really small wheel, you would see that and be like, fuck that dude's cool because he's
not walking and I am like a chump. Yep. It doesn't matter what it is. If I see a guy on a dead horse,
I'm going to think the same thing. Man, man, he's not moving especially fast. If I see a guy
rolling down a hill in a barrel, I'm like, nice. You know, I brought, Jeremy Larson bought a moped
scooter when we were living in Cincinnati together. And I was jealous on it both because
it was better than walking and more fuel efficient than driving. It's a super good way to get around.
Yeah, it's good. If anybody gives you shit, just say like, uses less gas than your car.
Yeah, but not a... Gas, Duzzer, fucking asshole. But that, like, whoa, that's the thing. When you're
riding on this super loud moped, you need to just be yelling shit constant. Like, sorry, it's so loud.
It's solar powered. It runs on the sun. Sun power is loud. What can you do? What can you do about it?
That's not the motor. That's just my farts. I don't know why that would help. I don't know why that
would help anything. But you should do it anyway. Let me know how it goes. Just don't walk. Please
think about this. Think of the children. Think of the children. You have to walk.
Dear brothers, I am six months pregnant. Congratulations. Thank you. So many people in my
life, whether they have kids or not, keep giving me advice and I hate it. How can I politely or not
so politely tell them I don't want their opinion? That's from Preggers on the Pacific Coast.
You just gently rub your stomach and say, I'm ignoring you for two.
I just asked my wife. I don't know. She should be the one. This should be my brother and my
brother and Sydney and me. Yeah, I'm sure she's getting like, you gotta rub oatmeal on your tummy
and your underarms. Like, she let me just get her real quick and then she could just feel this one
for me. She can pinch it. Sure. Yeah. Okay. Hold on one second. Hi. How are you guys? Hi, Zed.
How are you? How's the baby? So far so good. I can feel her kicking a lot more now.
That's weird. Is it rude if I ask if you're showing? I forget where you are.
Oh, no, I am. I'm over five months now. Yeah. Have people started awkwardly touching your stomach
without permission? All the time. Awesome. It's terrible. Totally great. So this person is saying
they're six months pregnant, so a bit more pregnant than you. No, that's a competition.
Not that it's a competition with this person's winning. Maybe pick up the pace.
Okay, I'll try to rush her along. They keep getting advice. Well, we don't know if it's a
he or she. They keep getting advice and they, that was a joke, and they hate getting the advice
from people and they want to know how they can politely turn it down.
How much of this are you, how much of this shit do you have to eat every day?
A lot, which is surprising because you'd think that it'd be limited somewhat by the fact that I'm
a doctor. Right, that's a thing. Right, you are at a place I think where babies happen a lot all
the time. Yeah. There are a lot of babies happening. So I would assume that there's a lot of people
like, let me tell you what I did. But you went to school for a hundred years, everything about
every physiological issue ever. How can somebody have the hubris to be like, let me tell you one
thing you didn't know about babies, don't shake them shits. I super know that. Well, it's, I think
it's one of those things where every woman thinks, and maybe I should say rightfully so, once they've
been through it, once they've been through the whole, you know, 40 weeks of pregnancy and then
the labor process, that they have earned the right to tell everybody else how to do it.
And I think it's well-intentioned. I mean, most, that's most of the advice I get is from
women who are children. Nobody maliciously is like, just do it in the toilet.
I think, I think they really think like, oh, this will really help her out. This will really,
she, I bet she doesn't know that she's going to get nauseous. I'll tell her about it. Have you
ever had a point with someone like giving you advice where you've wanted to say like, hey,
just shut up. I don't, get out of my, I don't care. Yeah, I, you know what was funny is I have all
these books that like about pregnancy updates, like fun stuff for each week and thing. And they,
one of them says specifically like how to deal with people giving you advice. And it tells you
to just be polite, which is what I try really hard to do is just say, oh, thanks and nod and
smile and walk away. But it's really hard. Because a lot of the time I'll just snap back. Yeah, I
know. I know. I basically know everything. Got a chief. Thanks. I catch myself doing this a lot,
or I have, and I'm trying to curb it vis-a-vis marriage because a lot of my friends are getting
engaged out here in Austin and Rachel and I were like, one of the first I would say couples to,
to get married. And so like, I catch myself like saying to people like,
you just got to make sure to really like, in the moment, just really treasure it because, and then
like barfing my own mouth and I'm like, I'm so sorry. I don't know what that was. I don't know
who that was. I'm sorry. No, we all do it. I think Justin and I probably did it to both of you guys
at your weddings. I mean, I think that's human nature and I've tried to take a video with your
mind and post it on your soul Facebook. What are you saying to me right now? Just remember all the
people who were here and how happy they were. Has anyone given you advice that you were like,
oh, shit, that's tight. Yeah, great. I'm going to do that.
You know, I didn't know about actually, I don't know if it's sort of advice,
kind of a tip you and Rachel gave me that snuggle. Oh, yeah. I didn't know that existed.
Well, I mean, that's sort of like, my whole game now is all about maximizing my, my sleeping
structures. I'm sorry. I'm going to need someone to clarify for me what a snuggle is.
Is it a snuggle or a snoodle? Snuggle. Okay. And it is what now? It's like this
giant pillow, like this long worm like pillow that kind of coils up and you can just wrap
yourself like completely in it when you sleep. What? Yeah. It's awesome. It's basically every
sort of human invention and like thing that we as a species have like figured out has
culminated in the snuggle because it really takes your sleeping game. Can I, can I ask
you a question sitting because you are now far more experienced with the snuggle than I am?
Is it weird if I get one, even though I am not now, nor will I ever be pregnant? And Rachel,
Rachel will get pregnant at some point, but this is my snuggle actually, babe.
We can get a second one off Amazon, babe, but this one's mine. I've like sort of impressed
onto it. My body contours already. You can have matching his and hers snuggles. Oh no,
because I wouldn't want to get it confused and then accidentally sleep using her snuggles and
her impressions because that's a fate worse than death. It's, I think it's fine because I fully
intend to continue to sleep with this after I am no longer pregnant. Yeah. It's fantastic.
Excellent. But, but most of the advice I get is not as helpful as the snuggle.
Well, no, because that's actionable stuff. It's like if every piece of advice I got came with a
hammock, I'd be like tight. Yes, I will take, I will take that. I will make my pizzas with a
pizza stone. Thank you for the advice and the hammock. Now, a lot of people want to give me
advice about what they ate to like keep them from being nauseous. I've found that's the most common
advice and I keep telling people like, Oh, thank, I'm not really nauseous anymore. Thanks. Just
tuna's pizzas is like basically it. Thank you though. I just want pizzas and then a lot of
people want to tell me about how I'm not going to sleep. You say you see my snuggle motherfucker?
This is why it always seems to me like the advice is like a Schadenfreude kind of thing where it's
like, well, you know, you're not going to sleep. You're going to puke a lot. You might poop yourself.
It's like, it always is like this. It's, it never sounds helpful to me. You never know how bad it's
going to be. Listen here. You think you know some shit? You don't know shit. It's going to be so
much worse. That's exactly what it is. That's what people just want to tell you how bad things are
going to get. And I don't know. I don't know what that is. But at the end, but oh, but at the end,
you don't sleep ever again after it. You don't sleep ever again. But they always cap it off with
the same thing. Whatever terrible thing they've told you, you're going to never sleep. You're
going to get puked all over. It's going to be awful. Then they say, Oh, but it's all worth it.
It's all so much worth it. It's so worth it. It's like, well, yeah, I freaking hope so.
Or at this point, even if it's not, I'm kind of in too deep.
I've committed myself. Yeah, we're at that. We're just going for it. So
I don't know. My best, my best answer is I just, I try to stay calm and I don't listen a lot and I
nod and smile. You should give them advice about how to fix whatever physical thing they might have
wrong with them. Hey, how's your diabetes going? Well, I mean, you don't have to go that personal.
You can do like, Oh, great. Here's some advice about how to like make your bangs work for you.
Because right now they're working against you. That would work because I don't know anything
about that. So it would be good. You're fighting your bangs right now. You need to work with them
as a team. You know, if all else fails, this works for me. I just say, Oh, I've got to go pee again
and walk away. Nice. That's, you are not going to be able to play that smoke bomb card for much
longer. You need to savor it while you can. There you go. I try to do that same thing. Now
people just look at me like I'm disgusting. I'm going to go pee. I got to pee later.
Now see when pregnancy, you got to revel in that. Oh, I've got to pee again and everybody always
understands it. Get out of her way. Get out of the way. And then it's adorable too. Oh,
she's got to pee again. Oh, because there's a baby in there.
Sydney, do you want to thank you for sharing some light on Sheddy's slide on this? Do you want to
take us to the money zone? Sure. I'll drive us there. Justin usually says like a thing like,
if you need to support a baby, yeah, stuff like that. Like he usually does like a fun thing like
that or something about us needing money. So here's some great pregnancy advice for everybody.
If you're going to raise a child, you know what you need for that? What? Lots of money.
Did you see that was great? Was that good? Yep.
Got a message to Alita from Will. It's a, I guess a rhyming couplets, I guess.
Are you, you get really, really uncomfortable with having to like be a vessel for other people's
romance? Yeah, Travis. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was going to make it really erotic.
Yeah. That's because he can't not. You filled me with love and joy. Oh, boy.
Dripping with eroticism. No, no, no, no. Let Justin do what you're ruining it.
You filled me with love and joy since before I got on one knee, but marriage to you is greater
still. It's how we were meant to be. I know not what next year will bring the sights that we will
see, but I don't care where you go as long as it's with me. Happy first real life. Married
anniversary. I don't know if they meant for that last part to rhyme. You definitely made it work.
I just did my best with that. I'm sorry, Alita. No. Well, I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry, Alita.
That's both of you. That's your celeb name. See, that's the best gift we can give them.
Yeah. You got a celeb name now. The big deal. Griffin Travis. Travis.
Yes. We got any other important messages? Yeah. This one is for Jody and it's from
Bayon or Bayon? Bayon. Say all of them and they can just. Yeah. That's just for the Justin
McRoy scatter shot method. This is for Jody from Bayon, Bayon, Bayon. Bayon. Bayon.
Wayman. This is from Vega from Street Fighter. Hey, buddy, what's up? Hope you're having a
sweet day, but why don't you go ahead and open up that glove compartment and see what's inside?
Oh, Jesus. What's that you say? Travis, what is it? I can't take it. A gun? Is it a gun? Oh my
God. A ring. Dun dun dun. Will you marry me? Oh my God. Oh my God, Bayon. It was a gun. Get down.
Oh no. Get out of the car. Get out of it. Just kidding. Say yes, God. Say yes to the gun.
That is beautiful. I'm so happy. Congratulations. Congratulations, you guys.
Right now, there's, oh, listen, we should like just give them a minute because right now,
there's like that afterglow where it's like, I can't believe Travis asked me to marry him.
I can't believe you did it like this. This is so romantic. What were you thinking, Bayon,
you asshole? I want to mention something. My favorite thing about this proposal,
let them, we'll give them their moment. Yeah, and the rest of us will talk over here.
The band just like turn the volume down for like a minute because we're going to say dumb
shit and we're just going to like step all over your magic moment. Yeah, so have your magic moment,
pause it and then come back. My favorite thing about this message is that it says,
it literally says dramatic pause on here, but there is no dramatic pause. The dramatic pause
is between a ring question mark and will you marry me? So not a dramatic pause as the contents of the
glove compartment are revealed, but a dramatic pause is the reality. What is this ring? We also
don't know if we gave, if we gave Jody enough time to open the glove compartment to see what's
that. She might have had the hands full of Taco Bell. What if she listens to this while she's like
sitting in bed? A glove compartment? I don't know what you mean. Oh wait, what? What if the money's
done starts on this episode and Bayon's driving and he just keeps discouraging her from picking
things up? Put that down. Put that down. Put it down. Keep your hands free. Keep your hands free.
You are holding, you are double fisting Crunchwrap Supremes right now. You need to put at least
one of them down because I need you to have a free hand. If not both because I'm worried about
you. Also, yes, that's too many Crunchwraps. Speaking of snacking smarter. Hold on, let's
congratulations Jody and Bayon. We're very, very, very happy. Thank you for sharing your,
your super special moment with us. That's incredibly nice. We have a mission for you. Listeners.
A mission? You're a snack smarter and you're going to get in shape by summer. Your enemy?
The vending machine. Don't go running. What just happened? What? Did Travis just drop off?
No. No, he was looking at you. That's on my sales pitch. Okay. You guys are just like trading.
Sorry. Well, it was like, that's what it sounds like when people get into a rhythm. I know it's
so, so rare on our show that you think that we're having technical difficulties when people are
actually, actually communicating. Is Skype breaking up? Now we're just like working together and
like having a conversation like without talking all over each other. It's weird. Anyway, Nature Box
is a company that is going to put great tasting snacks right in your mailbox. They're not just
great tasting. Right in your face. A Nature Box funnel technician will kick in your door and start
jamming it right down there. They got BBQ Kettle Kernels. They got everything Vagal 6. They got
South Pacific Plantain chips. And over a hundred more options. Wow, really? Yeah. Have they been
expanding their game? Their game is like elevated every time you go back. They have, they legally
have to have new snacks based on what I just said. So Salted Caramel Pretzel Pops are my jam.
I would also recommend they have some like French toast granola that's like really,
really good if you want that. And it's all like real. There's no like high fruit is corn syrup or
artificial stuff or non GMO. And I know your mouth's watering right now. The good news is that
we can get you some on the cheap. You get your first Nature Box right now for 50% off. You go to
naturebox.com forward slash my brother. The deal is they send you a new box every month. You could
choose what snacks or you can go hog wild and let them choose. And I would recommend customizing
because you know, you want the, you want the stuff that suits your lifestyle. Yeah, it's almost
summer. It's time to get fit. And if you order this on April Fool's Day and you let them choose and
you're going to get like bugs and shoelaces and bug shoes and bug shoelaces. Stay full. Stay strong.
Go to naturebox.com slash my brother. That's naturebox.com slash my brother. Also, my brother,
my brother means supported by Squarespace, which is the all in one platform that makes it fast and
easy to create your own professional website or online portfolio. It's a platform. A lot of people,
I think, who listen to this show are familiar with it because they've helped us out with sponsorships
before, but they've been improving the platform really frequently since they started advertising
with us. There's new features and designs and better support for the platform. They have
new like sort of tailored like pre-made designs that you can start with and a lot of options to
change it. And so to look tight to begin with, and then you can change, you know, how it is tight
for you. And every space has a, they have a responsive design, which means that no matter
what device you're looking at this web page on, it's going to look awesome. And you know, when I
like, when I'm going to make a web page, I don't know when inspiration is going to strike. You
know, I don't know when I'm going to want to work on my web page. Maybe I want it to do in the
afternoon or 3 a.m. or whatever. I got to follow the muse. Sure. The good news is that they're
available. They got a support to you available 24 seven. So whenever the web muse strikes me,
I can just go on, go get some help or just you get a super drunk on white wine and then you
need someone to talk to. Give them a call 24 seven. They're there. How do I website? Like
go bad. They'll talk you down from a bad LSD trip. You need to drink three waters.
Go drink three waters. Get in bed. Somebody get his man some orange juice in graham cracker
and stay calm. You need to spare to the chill out to it. You need to get him to the chill out
10. He needs to drink three waters and he needs to urinate. You need to urinate, sir, and flush
these toxins. I want to make a website. You can't. I want to make a website. There's a gorilla in
my chair. How do I get the gorilla out so I can sit down on my desk and do my typing?
It's nice to just steal him a dot com.
The gorilla is stealing my dot com. A gorilla is my information. My gorilla put the bottom in
his mouth and he's drinking all the internet in the world. The girl is stealing my identity.
Stronger. He's gorilla. Grot. He's a genius. We're all doomed.
So go to surface.com and use the offer code my brother. That's all one word. My brother get 10%
off your first purchase. Square space, square pace. Choose a different name for your hosting
service. Square space. A better web starts with your website. I'm Dave Holmes. I'm the new host
of international waters, the transatlantic comedy show where land laws do not apply. I am here with
one of our writers, Sarah Morgan from the UK. Hello, Sarah. Hi, Dave. How you doing? I didn't
understand what you just said. Could you explain international waters and how it works? It's a
transatlantic panel game. We have teams based in the UK and in LA and basically people try to be
funnier more than they try to know things. I caught about half of that. Find international waters
on maximumfund.org. Thank you for your attention. I will see you on international waters. Do you
guys want a Yahoo? Please. It's only sent by Charles Decker. Thanks, Charles. It's by Yahoo
Answers user. Wait for it to load on Yahoo's new shitty website. This is asked by Yahoo Answers
user Travelman who asks, how do Popeyes employees know you've eaten there before?
Oh, you don't even have to say anything else. I get it. The first time I went there,
they just said, welcome to Popeyes. But now they always say, welcome back to Popeyes.
How do they know I've eaten there before? Hmm. Statistically speaking,
everyone's eating there. Everyone's eating at Popeyes. I have to tell you guys, I've never
eaten at Popeyes. I've never eaten at a fucking Popeyes. Griffin, you have in fact,
you fucking liar. When did I eat at a Popeyes? When there was a Popeyes? There was a Popeyes
like right across the main road from our apartment when we lived in Batavia. And you just assumed
that I fucking hoved over there? No, we ate there together. I brought you back some Popeyes we ate
it together like brothers. It was a special goddamn moment in our relationship. How could you
fucking forget that? I can't believe you don't remember it. Right, but I finally became brothers.
If I cross the threshold of the Popeyes, are they going to be like, hey, I know you've never been
here before, but you've consumed our products. So welcome here. Welcome back for the first time.
If you know what I mean, Griffin McElroy, Social Security number 138-311-412.
I'm just in a real opportunity to open one of these in Huntington.
Just because like there isn't one and everyone needs it to stay alive?
Yeah, apparently everyone's been there except all of us. So maybe if I open one.
You open a you open a Popeyes and run next door jack-in-the-box and you'll be a very rich man.
Did you guys hear the news? By the way, we got a we got a chipotle. I know we talked about this
in the last we talked about it. You can come back. It put it open. But you think hold up. You
think that's why Travis and I bounces. We were like, no big fab burritos. I can't get any chipotle
here. I just figured that's why you left. I knew it wasn't me. So I figured it was chipotle.
It was guacamole. It's the guacamoles. I haven't been to Popeyes, but I guess they're okay. I have
an answer. I think that they say welcome back to Popeyes because if they said welcome to Popeyes,
what that puts on the employees is expectation that you're going to have to explain all the
nuance to ordering at Popeyes. You have to give them the full sales pitch. None of them want to do
that. So to circumvent having to walk you through the experience of choosing your breading and
biscuit combos, they say welcome back to Popeyes and just assume that you know the drill. Sure.
It's like when you run into somebody at a party and you can't remember if you've met them before.
And so you just go, hey man, like that? Exactly. Yes, that's exactly. And then of course you
haven't met them before and you look like a fucking crazy person. But if you commit to it,
they look like they have amnesia. Right. Does Popeyes embed all of us with secret ID chips
in Travis? Oh yeah. Okay. I mean, I know it was a pretty obvious question. I just wanted to like...
You think that's what the spice is made out of? Secret ID chips? Is there spice on that food?
Not if you don't get it spicy. Okay. But they strongly recommend you get it spicy.
Otherwise they can't track you. That's how it stayed off the grid this long. Listen,
Chica. How are we going to be able to keep tabs on you, sweet baby? Who is this employee?
That's the lady who's in their commercials. She's like a southern sort of southern lady
who welcomes you back with open arms. Come on and eat all my nano machines.
Don't you want to get super strong, sugar?
I'll activate the Daedalus protocol.
That's my guarantee to you, sugar. Just go ahead and suck them down. Suck down these
marrow bones. You'll get to jump super high and will know everything that you buy and eat.
No problem. They can talk to your credit card. That's convenient, sugar.
Oh boy. Is it okay to play music from my phone to cover up any possible sounds made while using
a bathroom at work or in public? And that this person has... Holy shit, the bravery.
This person has neglected to come up with a clever gnome to prove...
It was clearly an accident that he didn't do this. Can we come up with one for him, please?
Sure. All right. What do we know about him? We know his name is Kirk and he lives in Maryland.
And he uses the bathroom and he's apparently real, real noisy in there. Okay, so I don't know.
Whatever he's doing in there, he's making a significant amount of decibels doing it.
That's from decibel-ducing in Maryland. That's from decibel-ducing in Maryland.
I think that's too obvious. The best thing you can do is wait for flush windows,
which I think we've all done, right? Your problem isn't that this... Your problem is that it's
obvious that if you go to the bathroom and the person that's on next to you is fucking rocking
out to Splish Splash, I was taking a bath. Then you think like, oh, that person's playing music
because they're pooping. You don't think, why is there music in the bathroom right now?
I mean, okay, not to get a little blue, but the pooping sounds belong in the bathroom.
No one is upset by hearing those. They make cringe slightly. Every time. I'm not kidding.
I'm in a grown-ass man. I just bought a house. I own land. If I hear someone make loud poop sounds
in the bathroom and the stall next to me, I have to suppress a laugh every time.
100% of the time. Okay, this might sound outlandish to a lot of people listening right now. When I
was in Japan, all of their fucking super toilets that beat the shit out of our toilets are dumb
caveman toilets have incredible buttons on them, like one that will blow a sweet scent into your
butt and one that will shoot water into your butt. A lot of things evolving, putting things in your
butt to make it a better butt. What it also has is a noise button that you can play and it will
make the sound very, very loud, shockingly, surprisingly loud of just running water. This
is good for two reasons. One, it helps sort of get things going. Two, it disguises your shame with
the sound that's already pretty natural in the bathroom, but better than the alternative of
the sound that your butt is definitely already making. Yeah, no response to that. That's because
you both realized that all three of us live in the wrong fucking country. Yeah. You know, what I
found when I was in Scotland is that they've developed technology in which when the stall doors
close, they overlap so that you cannot peek through them. I really appreciate that. There are, if
you're going to play music, there are a couple of things that are important to do. The first one is
you have to also say out loud, where is that music coming from? Are they piping that in
so you can cover up that it's coming from you? Second, play something that's going to blend in
really nicely, like perhaps the music of 311 that is largely indistinguishable from the sound of
something we're making about me. Is audio books better? You know what? No, because then you might
think someone's talking to you. What about live streaming like NPR? Do you think there's somebody
who uses our podcast to poop too secretly? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, just statistically, yes. Maybe,
could you play loud whimsical pooping sounds to cover your real ass poop? Just like go Elton
John on the fart piano? Yeah. Seems to me. But then, because then whoever is listening would be like,
ah, some jokester in here trying to make a joke. And then you do that enough and then you become
the office jokester. It's like, ah, that's Kirk doing, oh, shit, I said it. No, I'm sorry, Kirk.
Now, everyone will know that Kirk poops. You become the lead on this whole Kirk pooper in
Maryland. If you're in Maryland and you meet a Kirk, just know this. He has made a bowel
movement. He has made at least one whoopsy daisy. If you become Kirk, the office jokester on the
fart piano and everybody knows when they hear that, then like, oh, it's just Kirk acting a fool.
And then you can start phasing the application out. Then you can start phasing the app out of the
rotation. Yeah, just then when you make a bowel movement, all you have to do is shout, get it?
Oh, that's over him. Oh, I love that. He's using the fart sacks button. That is a fart sacks solo.
That's my very, very favorite button on his fart piano app. No, it's not. He doesn't.
All right. Listen, thank you guys so much for hanging out with us this week. We hope you had a
lot of fun. One last thank you to everybody who gave in the Max Fun Drive. We crushed previous
records. We crossed, we had over 2,500 new donors and upgrading donors. That's amazing.
That's fucking bananas, guys. Like, thank you so much. I thought like maybe this was going to be
the year when everybody was finally like, we're giving money to this. But instead they were like,
we need to give money to this. It's unbelievable. So thank you guys. You're the absolute best, best,
best. Make sure you listen to some other programs on the Max Fun Network. We've got a lot now. I've
got a lot of different offerings for you. There's the Goose Down. It's very funny.
Lady to Lady is very funny. Oh, no, Ross and Kerry is another great one. Bullseye.
If you liked when Sydney stepped in and helped us out with the question and you haven't listened
to Saw Bones yet, first of all, what's the matter with you? Second of all, go listen to Saw Bones.
Justin and Sydney host it and it's awesome. So thanks to people tweeting about the show.
Rhodes Clark got his donation in under the wire. So thank you so much. Thank you to Tim Brick and
A Foster and Paperback Princess, Emile DeLair. I'll just take a shot there. Alyssa Jefferson,
Nick, John Rom, Ashley, Honey Boy, the Tontons, so many others. Thank you so much for tweeting
about our program. The Tontons are a band, by the way. I know. I feel so bad. They invited me to come
hang out at one of their shows here in Austin and I was too busy getting horribly, horribly sunburnt
in a different city. I would have been there. Thanks again to Nature Box. You can order all
the snacks you want and you can get in shape for summer with Healthy Treats, like the barbecue
kettle kernels. And you get 50% off your first order because you listen to us and we think you're
awesome. So go to NatureBox.com slash my brother. Get 50% off your first order. Trust me, check it
out. They've got awesome shit there and we're all big fans. And a big thanks to John Rodger
for the long winters for the East Fred team song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days
to Bed. I mean, we've been singing the praises to that album for a long time, but it really is
very good. Do wish there was a new album to talk about and promote. I would like that very much.
I would like that very, very much if that could happen. But you know what? The wind
is going to blow where it's going to blow and you can't change it. We can't control the wind.
Can't control the wind. And what is John Rodger but the wind? He is the wind of people. Anyway,
thank you, John and company. We are going to be performing a live show on May 24th at the
People's Improv Theater in beautiful New York City. As you may have seen, tickets for that
are sold out, but we are going to be releasing more tickets Wednesday at noon. So just go to the
pit-nyc.com and you will be able to get those tickets Wednesday around noon-ish. So keep
an eye out. We don't actually aren't the ones pulling the trigger, so we can't guarantee
at noon, but that's the plan. Wednesday at noon, more tickets.
I think we're going to do it for us. Crippie, do you have a question that you could maybe read
for us from Yahoo? And then we can kind of think about it in the intervening week. We'll answer
it next week. Oh, absolutely. This final Yahoo is sent by Brian Couch. Thank you, Brian. It's by
Yahoo Answers user Calamity who asks, How do I keep my son from naming my grandson Yolo?
I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. It's been my brother,
my brother, and may kiss your dad square on the lips.
Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.
Hi, my name is Rishikesh Airway, and I have a podcast called Song Explorer. In each episode,
a musician takes apart one of their songs and piece by piece tells you the story of how it was
made. You get an inside look into the creative and technical process and a unique view of a song
by hearing just the drums or just the guitars or say just a world it's a piano.
If you're a fan of music, if you make music, or if you just like to learn how things are made,
come check it out on Maximumfun.org. Thanks.