My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 194: Popeye's Daedalus Protocol

Episode Date: March 31, 2014

Thanks for helping us blow MaxFunDrive 2014 out of the water, everyone! For your donations and support, we have rewarded you with an episode rich in discusson of toilet sounds. Suggested talking points: Prank of the Century, Merch Prison, French Hillbilly, Moped Stigma, Baby Advice, A Gorilla Stole My Website, Southern Fried Nanomachines, Bathroom Music

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hi, everybody. Welcome, my brother, my brother, and me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm the baby baby baby, Griffin McElroy. We are, you have reached us here at Prank HQ. Tomorrow is April Fool's Day. As you know, assuming you're listening to some Monday,

and we are prepping for the biggest prank of the year. Before we came in to start recording, when we were out in the lobby, before we came into the studio, Griffin told me he had the best, the biggest idea for a prank to pull on anybody ever in the history of prankdom. He said it was going to make us the mayors of Prankton, is what he said. And I said, wait, hold that thought. Don't tell me the prank plan now. We're in the lobby. Wait till we're in front of the MICs. So, Griffin, now that we have retired to the recording studio, we are in front of the mics. The show started. I'm laying on our shades lounges. Lay it out for me, Griffin, prank of all time. Prank of the century that I can't just let everyone

know to reiterate that I definitely came up with ahead of time. And then I like informed Justin to set up this intro so that I would just come out and say what the prank was that I invented ahead of time before we started recording. Right, I feel like I've contextualized a read stalled. You may be thinking like, is this like one of those things where Justin's just saying this, and that didn't really happen. And it's just like a fun way to see how Griffin reacts in a situation where like, he is the lobster. He's just been thrown into the boiling water. Can he escape from the trap? Or is this not a trap at all? Did he mean to get his goose cooked? Mixing my animal cooking metaphors. But that's quite all right. Griffin, I'm ready for the prank of all time.

I mean, I guess there's a lot of stuff that you need to understand before I can reveal the prank. Like my prank controls on a lot of different influences. Are you familiar with the jerky boys? I am. I love their work. Not those jerky boys. I'm talking about the hoodlums who hang out outside of my local sit-go and they shoplift and eat beef jerky and just like the stoop. Oh, Steve and Tom. Steve and Tom. The jerky, but the one of two mouths always smelled like smoky teriyaki. Like smoky teriyaki. I think it's supposed to be teriyaki, but for some reason when it's smoky, they call it smoky teriyaki. Teriyaki, bec. So that's important. So you need to know the jerky boys. Got it. How much friends Kafka have you read? I mean, just like anybody

else, I understand when people reference metamorphosis, but I have not actually read any of his work. Yeah, no. He did write a book about a bug. I say this because my prank involves a giant bug that used to be a man. So that's going to be tricky. I'm not going to lie to you. There's a lot of, I would say, impossible setup for this prank that is going to render it literally impossible to achieve, but if we can do it. Okay, now I have a question. What about Damon? Are we going to get Matt Damon on board? Is Damon like into this? What about Damon Wayman? Hi, everybody. He's a smoky teriyaki. What about Damon Wayman's smoky teriyaki king on the Midwest? There are three Wayans involved. Three Wayans involved. Can you guess which ones? You can,

because one of them is Hank Wayans. Not a lot of people know about him. The third are Hank Wayans Jr. Hank Wayans. He is not a famous actor, but boy, can he fucking pull a prank with the best of them. Who's the prank on? Who are we pranking with this prank? Well, this is the thing. It's sort of like a choose your own adventure. It's just an empty slate that you can fill with whoever you want to use it on. You know what I mean? It's not like I'm going to prank like the president. I mean, that would be a pretty good one. I don't know how I'm going to get the bug into the White House. Sorry, the bug that was a human that was transformed by magic. Can you have the jerky boys pose as caterers? That would be easy because that's their

job. But you think their fucking job is just hanging out outside the gas station. You think that's how they make their living? No, they're White House caterers. They're White House caterers. So they're going to sneak Mayman Wayans into the White House in some sort of like rolling cart because he's small and also an acrobat. He's very, very, very little. And then they rob the casino. But at the same time, they show that the casino owner doesn't really love his wife so that Mayman Wayans can get back with the wife. That's going to happen. That's not really like the point of the prank. It's not really funny, but like the great thing about this prank is that it's going to change and improve the lives of everybody involved with it. So not a joke per

say. There's not a punch there. There is a butt. There is a butt of the joke. And it's our American president in this specific example. But everybody else who's involved with it is going to get a little something on the side. Well, Griffin, I am so excited about this prank. I can't wait to stunt it and pull it off with the whole crew, the jerky boys, Mayman Wayman Daymans, Smoky Terioki, the whole gang. I'm so glad they're all going to get together for one last big heist. Yep. And I'm glad that I was able to sort of outline exactly what the prank was. Yep. Well, thank you for coming up with it ahead of time. It is to just we're going to steal all the toilets.

So Obama's Obama's going to be running around. Hey, I thought I had a toilet in here. Great, great, great, great, great, great impression. Hey, Joe, did you? Did you steal the toilets, Joe? Is that Joe Biden? No, I didn't. I'd left him wherever I used him. Is he Charles Nelson Riley? He's Joe Biden. Are you sure he's not the lead singer of the B 52s? Super pussy. Okay. Nobody's going to get super pussy. That's like the deepest inside joke basically ever. And that was a fake B 52 song that Griffin came up with.

I don't think it's that hard. Six years ago. Like 150 years ago. Super pussy. Can you do it once? Because I don't super pussy. Hey there, brothers. My boyfriend is in a band that's starting to get really big. I go to one of his shows every weekend pretty much. My issue, I'm assuming it's the B 52s. My issue is that I don't know how to act when I watch him on stage. I feel awkward being right up front staring at him, but I wanted to notice me in the crowd. I'm five feet tall, so I get lost in the crowd pretty easily. Do you have any ideas for how I can be a good supportive band girlfriend and not come off as awkward or just stand in there?

And that's from feeling oxos in Chicago. I have a question for you guys about this. Okay. Is there a way to ask the boyfriend if he actually cares whether she's there or not without it sounding like she's asking him to release her from going? That's what I'm saying. When I played Templeton the Rat in our community theater production of Charlotte's Web, which critics hailed that performance as revolutionary, to pretending to be a rat, I wanted our meme to be there once, but I would feel guilty if she had to sit through the same shit. And it was not good. Outside of my revolutionary rat performance, it was not a great show. I don't want her, I start to feel guilty if Momo is out in the audience

all 14 showings. But then the problem being that as soon as the person says, hey, do you really care if I'm there or not? I'm afraid all it's going to sound like is, hey, I don't want to come see your show. You can only enjoy their ironic cover of Tiny Dancer so many times before it starts to grow a little stale and perhaps the effect is lost on you. Are you putting this person on blast because they're not very tall? No. Actually, that was not intentional. That would be the work of a much swifter man to myself. Ooh, I have a great idea. Convince your boyfriend and their band to start selling some merch, and then you work the table. So you're there as a supportive girlfriend. You

don't have to stand up in the front. But then do you get like a cut? Because then your boyfriend does, but your boyfriend does. Oh, okay. Oh, that's some dog shit then. Hey, babe, babe, babe, babe, I'm gonna be up on stage shredding. And then I'm gonna be backstage shredding too, if you know what I mean. But hey, well, I'm back there. Babe, can you do me one flavor? Babe, can you do me one flavor? Just go do this unpaid job for me and I'll get all the profits. Okay, well, then I bet you could ask for a cut. Yeah, I don't think you need to ask for a cut. I think between standing there staring at your boyfriend as he sings versus like doing an activity that you know what you're doing and is like some fucking devil sticks. If you want to like occupy your time, like don't don't

make this poor this poor woman like start shoveling coal. Hey, why are you shitting on my awesome idea? Travis had a great idea of this man or woman. I'm assuming woman only because five feet tall, but it could be man, many gentlemen and because she says supportive girlfriend, but that's fine. No, but Travis has a great idea. What? Okay, let me let me take Travis's idea and push it one step further. Why don't you join the band? Well, okay, so I was gonna say sort of join the band, but you don't know how to play any instruments. So what do you do? You become the dancing guy the money my boss tones like that kind of vibe. You become like the hype man. You become like what's that cat's name Ben something like that. You become like no like the guy who's there

dancing. Like the guy who wears the nice suit and has an umbrella always during outcast performances. Yes. What was his name? Oh, I used to know his name too. Rufus Wainwright, I think it was. What? I don't think that was who that was. I think it was Rufus Wainwright. I don't think that's who that was. I'm pretty sure it wasn't that. Fonzworth Bentley, Fonzworth Bentley, Fonzworth Bentley. I was so close. You weren't close fucking at all. You got 0% of his name right. There was some several more letters. Okay, sure. So be like the Fonz or like Ben the guy from Mighty Mighty Boss Dones and just dance on stage. Just get up on stage. Now you don't have to dance good. In fact, it would be better if you didn't. If you know how to skank it, that particular dance grace,

I don't know if your boyfriend is in a ska band, but that's always a popular maneuver. Yeah. I think that getting involved in some more concrete way, whether it be dancing or merge sales and nothing but those two things, I think that that's going to help you pass the time, make you feel a bit more purposeful, purpose driven life. But there's like eight seasons of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix that this woman needs to watch. Uh-huh. But that's what I love. That's what I love. You sit at the merch table. You're not going to have to do anything till after the band plays. You could be on Netflix on your phone. But you can't hear all the funny jokes from Marshall and Lily and the crew. You put on headphones. Over all the loud, loud, ska music.

That's the great thing about working is that when you want to not be at the concert, you have a great excuse. It's a lot harder sell to say, I'm too tired to go listen to your band play than I'm too tired to go work the merch table. So if you solidify that that's what you do with the shows, then it is a lot more excusable if you need to get out of it once in a while, because now you've turned it into a job. It already sounds like a job either way. Listen, I have no comment on your guy's relationship or whatever, but having to go to the same concert, no matter how incredible it may be every single time, every weekend though. Hey babe, babe, babe. Did you hear what I went na na na na na na?

Yeah, like na na na na na. I heard it today and I heard it on the 28th and then I heard it on the 21st. Babe, babe, it's different. I went na na na na na na instead of na na na na na na. Yeah, no, that was really, it was really good and it did take the song and they could totally different direction, but I am just gonna kick it at home today, because they just added the first Captain America movie to Netflix. But tonight I was gonna go na na na na na na here. And change the title of the song. No, just my, just my didgeridoo part. This is a pretty crazy band. What is this? Is this that?

It's Rustin Root. Oh. They're back. I heard that they're back in a big, big way, but I didn't. They're back. This is, but this is like, this is the new Rustin Root, like the new monkeys. A bunch of people got together and decided to be Rustin Root again. Yeah, no, it's sort of like Dr. Who. It's just a mantle that's passed from band to band. Why does it fucking well be? That's what they say to me on my way. It's like, you've had fun with this band name for a while, but it's time to let it go and let somebody else have a chance to be Rustin Root. Goatye actually used to be Rustin Root. Wow. And then they, then they sent it on its way. And now they're just, yeah, sure. This Yahoo was sent in by

David DeCruz. Thank you, David. It's by Yahoo Answers User. How can I include? Oh, no, I fucked up because they changed how this shit works. Nobody saved, nobody on. Thank you. Thank you, David. It's by Yahoo Answers User, Ghostgate, who asks, how can I include my guinea pig more in my daily life? Please help. Okay, so I have a male G pig, and I want to include him in my daily life. Okay, so from Monday to Friday from like 7am to 4pm, I'm at school. I let him walk in my room. Whoa. I let him walk in my room, but I want to have him in all my daily stuff, such as when I go out, or just pretty much in everything that's possible. But I have a problem. It's a dumb problem, but it's affecting me. Problem is that I can't afford to wash every day. I'm kind of broke.

And so I can't change cloth every time he loses hair on me. I know it's pretty stupid, but that's my situation. So do you recommend buying a G pig carrier? Or what do I do? He doesn't have a buddy. Oh my God, this question. He also doesn't have a buddy. I, I know they supposed to be in pairs and all, but I know my story and can't really afford another G pig. So that's why I want him in my life more and not just because of that, but also because I want like a closer friend. No, I'm not a loner, but more of a close pet cause I enjoy pet interaction. So please, please help me out and give me ideas with my weird problem. Please thank you. Sign Bill Gates. Sign Bill Gates inventor of the computer.

Griffin, at this point, can you edit in the sound of me running down a long highway and jumping through a stained glass window? Because that's what I emotionally, that's where I'm at right now. You didn't have to read it, man. That was like, I felt like I was doing a sly lock fox there. This gentleman, this gentleman can't afford to wash, but can't afford to feed a G pig. How are your priorities? I think he can afford to wash his body, but I don't think he can afford to like go to the laundromat every day because his stupid fucking filthy pig rat got his stupid, filthy hair all over his jeans and his shirts. Maybe like invest in a lint roller. Maybe that would be a way that you could or shower with your clothes

or just put the G pig in like a Ziploc bag before you put it in your pocket. What's a great idea, Trav? What's a G pig carrier? I don't know, it's a Ziploc bag. It's a lunchbox pretty much, right? What's the point at that point if you can't like, this is what I'm saying. How do you affix this G pig to yourself in a manner that still makes it feel like you have an animal attached to you? Back in the day, back in like a French revolution times, ladies would make their hair into like a cage and keep live birds in it until the bird died. Maybe that, maybe that, maybe you make a G pig cage out of your hair and then the G pig rides on top of your head.

Why would they wait? Why would they wait for the bird to die? Because they didn't care about it as a pet, it was just as a decoration. Because they didn't know how to get it out. Well, that was also important. Guys, we fucked up again. Listen, you did a great job with my hair, but how did the bird out? Fuck, I did it again. How didn't you notice there's a bird in my hair? No, I put the bird in, I put the bird in there, but I was constructing the framing for your hair. I forgot the door part again. You left, you left a bird in my hair. You know

what's going to happen? There's somebody to take pictures of. It's going to be in a history book and people are going to think this is how we did it. Man, those people were dicks to their birds. See, that's what they're going to say. That's what they're going to say. I didn't want to burn my hair. I hate this. I hate this haircut. Oh, god damn it. I love living in France, though. I love France. I love France. God damn, our bread's so good. Hey, y'all, I hope we don't get beheaded. Oh, boy. You know who I meant to? Napoleon. I wish someone had invented a moon pile already. Oh, shucks. Oh, hooks.

Oh, man. I'm so sunburned right now. I've got sun delirium and I'm hoping that it's going to like let me tap in. Oh, hell, wait. I know what you're saying. Iron man style. Get this. Can you embed the guinea pig in your chest? And running on a on a wheel somehow that powers you. Oh, I love that. That would be like a fun, like, parody. What do you think? We could do like a fun parody, like those, what are those, those fucking hilarious scary movies, like those parodies that could be like superheroes and that could be like how we do Iron Man. What I don't, the thing that bothers me most about this question is the idea of this person, unless their GPig have free reign over their room. Crazy, crazy,

crazy, crazy. That's crazy on many levels. One, what's it doing? Two, can you think of anything less appealing when you finish a long day at work knowing you have to go home and go on a GPig hunt? Is it in the laundry basket? Is it in the closet? Where is it? It's small and tidying. Where didn't it poop? I had a buddy in college who had a hedgehog, which is like awesome. Like across the board, that's awesome. But he let it just room free in his house, in his whole house. And then like, I would go over there. And every time I went over there to hang out, it would be like instant dread, like I'm going to step on this little thing and it's going to hurt me and kill him. I'm going to sit on the wrong pillow. I'm going to sit on the wrong

pillow and this hedgehog is going to be fucking underneath it. And it's going to be a fun prank. But not fun, I guess, by any conceivable metric because I will kill the animal. I bought a moped in high school not knowing the social consequences that came with it. Now that college is upon me, do I bring it to school or keep it at home and be forced to walk around campus like the rest of my scholars? P.S. I bought the moped second hand and the previous owner put a super loud exhaust on it to make it go fast. This subsequently makes me look like a huge tool. That's from easily confused in New Hampshire. P.S. Efficiently, actually, which is weird that you- P.S. Efficiently confused. P.S. Like, messed that up. I am so glad that they, this is okay,

this is textbook, good question submission to my brother, my brother and me. Because if it had just been the first part, I would have been like, I don't get the big deal. I think moped's are pretty great. If I had one here in Austin, I would use it to go everywhere. But the idea of having a super loud exhaust on it takes this thing and turns it right on its head because like the whole thing about a moped is that you're supposed to be very, it's like a very discreet means of transport. P.S. It's a very ashamed, it's an ashamed means of transport. P.S. You don't have to feel shameful about it, but it's not like something you want to be like, ah, moped, check me out. And if you put like a super bang and exhaust on it, like that's exactly what you- P.S. It's like you put like

20 inch rims on your razor scooter. Like you stop it. P.S. You don't think about it. Sometimes some people own ostentatious things. You tend to make assumptions about them. You don't think about the fact that they might have just gotten stuck with it by happenstance. You don't really make you think, you know. P.S. Right. Like when I, when I inherited- P.S. This is water, you know. P.S. When I inherited your Oldsmobile Cutlass Sierra. P.S. Right. P.S. Like I didn't have any choice of the matter. It was just the most balling car in Huntington, West Virginia at the time. And so like I would drive around like bumping those speaker ratlin' tunes that had broken off inside the car's cassette player. And then people would be like, man, what a jerk that guy must be with

all of his money. And I'd be like, sorry, sorry guys. It's not me. It's my brother. He's the one who tricked us out. P.S. Sorry, player haters. P.S. Sorry, player haters. I know the hood ornament's gone. That's what my brother did. And like I know it's a sick look, but it wasn't me. P.S. When the option is walking, the alternative has to be better. So you just have to make peace with the fact that you're the guy with the loud electric bicycle. Is that what a moped is? It's basically an electronic bicycle. I actually completely agree with Justin on this one. Do you, Travis? I do. See, that's two out of three. That's a majority. So complete is your guy's hatred of ambulation. You would rather be like piggybacked. My life, Griffin, my day-to-day life is trying to figure

out how to make the least amount of trips to and from someplace. If it means loading up my arms in a painful manner just so I do not have to walk back to somewhere to get more things and go back, I will do it because walking is so awful. Why is it? It's like what we did for a billion years. Yes. And then other animals see us walking and they're like, ah, we're equals. We're not equals. You stupid idiots. And then they hop on their mopeds. They all squirrel mopeds. Can you imagine? Can you imagine? I see not a Stuart Little. Oh, God. I love him so much. I love him. I want to squeeze him, squeeze him. Oh, I killed him again. Listen, I don't think mopeds have, have a, I think you are imagining a moped stigma. Do you guys, let me ask you two,

do you have especially harsh feelings about mopeds? No. Jealousy, I guess, because like usually if I see one I'm walking because otherwise I'm not going to notice. I'm just going to assume it's like a tiny motorcycle. If you saw a man going on one of those giant bikes with the one huge wheel, and one really small wheel, you would see that and be like, fuck that dude's cool because he's not walking and I am like a chump. Yep. It doesn't matter what it is. If I see a guy on a dead horse, I'm going to think the same thing. Man, man, he's not moving especially fast. If I see a guy rolling down a hill in a barrel, I'm like, nice. You know, I brought, Jeremy Larson bought a moped scooter when we were living in Cincinnati together. And I was jealous on it both because

it was better than walking and more fuel efficient than driving. It's a super good way to get around. Yeah, it's good. If anybody gives you shit, just say like, uses less gas than your car. Yeah, but not a... Gas, Duzzer, fucking asshole. But that, like, whoa, that's the thing. When you're riding on this super loud moped, you need to just be yelling shit constant. Like, sorry, it's so loud. It's solar powered. It runs on the sun. Sun power is loud. What can you do? What can you do about it? That's not the motor. That's just my farts. I don't know why that would help. I don't know why that would help anything. But you should do it anyway. Let me know how it goes. Just don't walk. Please think about this. Think of the children. Think of the children. You have to walk.

Dear brothers, I am six months pregnant. Congratulations. Thank you. So many people in my life, whether they have kids or not, keep giving me advice and I hate it. How can I politely or not so politely tell them I don't want their opinion? That's from Preggers on the Pacific Coast. You just gently rub your stomach and say, I'm ignoring you for two. I just asked my wife. I don't know. She should be the one. This should be my brother and my brother and Sydney and me. Yeah, I'm sure she's getting like, you gotta rub oatmeal on your tummy and your underarms. Like, she let me just get her real quick and then she could just feel this one for me. She can pinch it. Sure. Yeah. Okay. Hold on one second. Hi. How are you guys? Hi, Zed.

How are you? How's the baby? So far so good. I can feel her kicking a lot more now. That's weird. Is it rude if I ask if you're showing? I forget where you are. Oh, no, I am. I'm over five months now. Yeah. Have people started awkwardly touching your stomach without permission? All the time. Awesome. It's terrible. Totally great. So this person is saying they're six months pregnant, so a bit more pregnant than you. No, that's a competition. Not that it's a competition with this person's winning. Maybe pick up the pace. Okay, I'll try to rush her along. They keep getting advice. Well, we don't know if it's a he or she. They keep getting advice and they, that was a joke, and they hate getting the advice

from people and they want to know how they can politely turn it down. How much of this are you, how much of this shit do you have to eat every day? A lot, which is surprising because you'd think that it'd be limited somewhat by the fact that I'm a doctor. Right, that's a thing. Right, you are at a place I think where babies happen a lot all the time. Yeah. There are a lot of babies happening. So I would assume that there's a lot of people like, let me tell you what I did. But you went to school for a hundred years, everything about every physiological issue ever. How can somebody have the hubris to be like, let me tell you one thing you didn't know about babies, don't shake them shits. I super know that. Well, it's, I think

it's one of those things where every woman thinks, and maybe I should say rightfully so, once they've been through it, once they've been through the whole, you know, 40 weeks of pregnancy and then the labor process, that they have earned the right to tell everybody else how to do it. And I think it's well-intentioned. I mean, most, that's most of the advice I get is from women who are children. Nobody maliciously is like, just do it in the toilet. I think, I think they really think like, oh, this will really help her out. This will really, she, I bet she doesn't know that she's going to get nauseous. I'll tell her about it. Have you ever had a point with someone like giving you advice where you've wanted to say like, hey,

just shut up. I don't, get out of my, I don't care. Yeah, I, you know what was funny is I have all these books that like about pregnancy updates, like fun stuff for each week and thing. And they, one of them says specifically like how to deal with people giving you advice. And it tells you to just be polite, which is what I try really hard to do is just say, oh, thanks and nod and smile and walk away. But it's really hard. Because a lot of the time I'll just snap back. Yeah, I know. I know. I basically know everything. Got a chief. Thanks. I catch myself doing this a lot, or I have, and I'm trying to curb it vis-a-vis marriage because a lot of my friends are getting engaged out here in Austin and Rachel and I were like, one of the first I would say couples to,

to get married. And so like, I catch myself like saying to people like, you just got to make sure to really like, in the moment, just really treasure it because, and then like barfing my own mouth and I'm like, I'm so sorry. I don't know what that was. I don't know who that was. I'm sorry. No, we all do it. I think Justin and I probably did it to both of you guys at your weddings. I mean, I think that's human nature and I've tried to take a video with your mind and post it on your soul Facebook. What are you saying to me right now? Just remember all the people who were here and how happy they were. Has anyone given you advice that you were like, oh, shit, that's tight. Yeah, great. I'm going to do that.

You know, I didn't know about actually, I don't know if it's sort of advice, kind of a tip you and Rachel gave me that snuggle. Oh, yeah. I didn't know that existed. Well, I mean, that's sort of like, my whole game now is all about maximizing my, my sleeping structures. I'm sorry. I'm going to need someone to clarify for me what a snuggle is. Is it a snuggle or a snoodle? Snuggle. Okay. And it is what now? It's like this giant pillow, like this long worm like pillow that kind of coils up and you can just wrap yourself like completely in it when you sleep. What? Yeah. It's awesome. It's basically every sort of human invention and like thing that we as a species have like figured out has

culminated in the snuggle because it really takes your sleeping game. Can I, can I ask you a question sitting because you are now far more experienced with the snuggle than I am? Is it weird if I get one, even though I am not now, nor will I ever be pregnant? And Rachel, Rachel will get pregnant at some point, but this is my snuggle actually, babe. We can get a second one off Amazon, babe, but this one's mine. I've like sort of impressed onto it. My body contours already. You can have matching his and hers snuggles. Oh no, because I wouldn't want to get it confused and then accidentally sleep using her snuggles and her impressions because that's a fate worse than death. It's, I think it's fine because I fully

intend to continue to sleep with this after I am no longer pregnant. Yeah. It's fantastic. Excellent. But, but most of the advice I get is not as helpful as the snuggle. Well, no, because that's actionable stuff. It's like if every piece of advice I got came with a hammock, I'd be like tight. Yes, I will take, I will take that. I will make my pizzas with a pizza stone. Thank you for the advice and the hammock. Now, a lot of people want to give me advice about what they ate to like keep them from being nauseous. I've found that's the most common advice and I keep telling people like, Oh, thank, I'm not really nauseous anymore. Thanks. Just tuna's pizzas is like basically it. Thank you though. I just want pizzas and then a lot of

people want to tell me about how I'm not going to sleep. You say you see my snuggle motherfucker? This is why it always seems to me like the advice is like a Schadenfreude kind of thing where it's like, well, you know, you're not going to sleep. You're going to puke a lot. You might poop yourself. It's like, it always is like this. It's, it never sounds helpful to me. You never know how bad it's going to be. Listen here. You think you know some shit? You don't know shit. It's going to be so much worse. That's exactly what it is. That's what people just want to tell you how bad things are going to get. And I don't know. I don't know what that is. But at the end, but oh, but at the end, you don't sleep ever again after it. You don't sleep ever again. But they always cap it off with

the same thing. Whatever terrible thing they've told you, you're going to never sleep. You're going to get puked all over. It's going to be awful. Then they say, Oh, but it's all worth it. It's all so much worth it. It's so worth it. It's like, well, yeah, I freaking hope so. Or at this point, even if it's not, I'm kind of in too deep. I've committed myself. Yeah, we're at that. We're just going for it. So I don't know. My best, my best answer is I just, I try to stay calm and I don't listen a lot and I nod and smile. You should give them advice about how to fix whatever physical thing they might have wrong with them. Hey, how's your diabetes going? Well, I mean, you don't have to go that personal.

You can do like, Oh, great. Here's some advice about how to like make your bangs work for you. Because right now they're working against you. That would work because I don't know anything about that. So it would be good. You're fighting your bangs right now. You need to work with them as a team. You know, if all else fails, this works for me. I just say, Oh, I've got to go pee again and walk away. Nice. That's, you are not going to be able to play that smoke bomb card for much longer. You need to savor it while you can. There you go. I try to do that same thing. Now people just look at me like I'm disgusting. I'm going to go pee. I got to pee later. Now see when pregnancy, you got to revel in that. Oh, I've got to pee again and everybody always

understands it. Get out of her way. Get out of the way. And then it's adorable too. Oh, she's got to pee again. Oh, because there's a baby in there. Sydney, do you want to thank you for sharing some light on Sheddy's slide on this? Do you want to take us to the money zone? Sure. I'll drive us there. Justin usually says like a thing like, if you need to support a baby, yeah, stuff like that. Like he usually does like a fun thing like that or something about us needing money. So here's some great pregnancy advice for everybody. If you're going to raise a child, you know what you need for that? What? Lots of money. Did you see that was great? Was that good? Yep.

Got a message to Alita from Will. It's a, I guess a rhyming couplets, I guess. Are you, you get really, really uncomfortable with having to like be a vessel for other people's romance? Yeah, Travis. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I was going to make it really erotic. Yeah. That's because he can't not. You filled me with love and joy. Oh, boy. Dripping with eroticism. No, no, no, no. Let Justin do what you're ruining it. You filled me with love and joy since before I got on one knee, but marriage to you is greater still. It's how we were meant to be. I know not what next year will bring the sights that we will see, but I don't care where you go as long as it's with me. Happy first real life. Married

anniversary. I don't know if they meant for that last part to rhyme. You definitely made it work. I just did my best with that. I'm sorry, Alita. No. Well, I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry, Alita. That's both of you. That's your celeb name. See, that's the best gift we can give them. Yeah. You got a celeb name now. The big deal. Griffin Travis. Travis. Yes. We got any other important messages? Yeah. This one is for Jody and it's from Bayon or Bayon? Bayon. Say all of them and they can just. Yeah. That's just for the Justin McRoy scatter shot method. This is for Jody from Bayon, Bayon, Bayon. Bayon. Bayon. Wayman. This is from Vega from Street Fighter. Hey, buddy, what's up? Hope you're having a

sweet day, but why don't you go ahead and open up that glove compartment and see what's inside? Oh, Jesus. What's that you say? Travis, what is it? I can't take it. A gun? Is it a gun? Oh my God. A ring. Dun dun dun. Will you marry me? Oh my God. Oh my God, Bayon. It was a gun. Get down. Oh no. Get out of the car. Get out of it. Just kidding. Say yes, God. Say yes to the gun. That is beautiful. I'm so happy. Congratulations. Congratulations, you guys. Right now, there's, oh, listen, we should like just give them a minute because right now, there's like that afterglow where it's like, I can't believe Travis asked me to marry him. I can't believe you did it like this. This is so romantic. What were you thinking, Bayon,

you asshole? I want to mention something. My favorite thing about this proposal, let them, we'll give them their moment. Yeah, and the rest of us will talk over here. The band just like turn the volume down for like a minute because we're going to say dumb shit and we're just going to like step all over your magic moment. Yeah, so have your magic moment, pause it and then come back. My favorite thing about this message is that it says, it literally says dramatic pause on here, but there is no dramatic pause. The dramatic pause is between a ring question mark and will you marry me? So not a dramatic pause as the contents of the glove compartment are revealed, but a dramatic pause is the reality. What is this ring? We also

don't know if we gave, if we gave Jody enough time to open the glove compartment to see what's that. She might have had the hands full of Taco Bell. What if she listens to this while she's like sitting in bed? A glove compartment? I don't know what you mean. Oh wait, what? What if the money's done starts on this episode and Bayon's driving and he just keeps discouraging her from picking things up? Put that down. Put that down. Put it down. Keep your hands free. Keep your hands free. You are holding, you are double fisting Crunchwrap Supremes right now. You need to put at least one of them down because I need you to have a free hand. If not both because I'm worried about you. Also, yes, that's too many Crunchwraps. Speaking of snacking smarter. Hold on, let's

congratulations Jody and Bayon. We're very, very, very happy. Thank you for sharing your, your super special moment with us. That's incredibly nice. We have a mission for you. Listeners. A mission? You're a snack smarter and you're going to get in shape by summer. Your enemy? The vending machine. Don't go running. What just happened? What? Did Travis just drop off? No. No, he was looking at you. That's on my sales pitch. Okay. You guys are just like trading. Sorry. Well, it was like, that's what it sounds like when people get into a rhythm. I know it's so, so rare on our show that you think that we're having technical difficulties when people are actually, actually communicating. Is Skype breaking up? Now we're just like working together and

like having a conversation like without talking all over each other. It's weird. Anyway, Nature Box is a company that is going to put great tasting snacks right in your mailbox. They're not just great tasting. Right in your face. A Nature Box funnel technician will kick in your door and start jamming it right down there. They got BBQ Kettle Kernels. They got everything Vagal 6. They got South Pacific Plantain chips. And over a hundred more options. Wow, really? Yeah. Have they been expanding their game? Their game is like elevated every time you go back. They have, they legally have to have new snacks based on what I just said. So Salted Caramel Pretzel Pops are my jam. I would also recommend they have some like French toast granola that's like really,

really good if you want that. And it's all like real. There's no like high fruit is corn syrup or artificial stuff or non GMO. And I know your mouth's watering right now. The good news is that we can get you some on the cheap. You get your first Nature Box right now for 50% off. You go to naturebox.com forward slash my brother. The deal is they send you a new box every month. You could choose what snacks or you can go hog wild and let them choose. And I would recommend customizing because you know, you want the, you want the stuff that suits your lifestyle. Yeah, it's almost summer. It's time to get fit. And if you order this on April Fool's Day and you let them choose and you're going to get like bugs and shoelaces and bug shoes and bug shoelaces. Stay full. Stay strong.

Go to naturebox.com slash my brother. That's naturebox.com slash my brother. Also, my brother, my brother means supported by Squarespace, which is the all in one platform that makes it fast and easy to create your own professional website or online portfolio. It's a platform. A lot of people, I think, who listen to this show are familiar with it because they've helped us out with sponsorships before, but they've been improving the platform really frequently since they started advertising with us. There's new features and designs and better support for the platform. They have new like sort of tailored like pre-made designs that you can start with and a lot of options to change it. And so to look tight to begin with, and then you can change, you know, how it is tight

for you. And every space has a, they have a responsive design, which means that no matter what device you're looking at this web page on, it's going to look awesome. And you know, when I like, when I'm going to make a web page, I don't know when inspiration is going to strike. You know, I don't know when I'm going to want to work on my web page. Maybe I want it to do in the afternoon or 3 a.m. or whatever. I got to follow the muse. Sure. The good news is that they're available. They got a support to you available 24 seven. So whenever the web muse strikes me, I can just go on, go get some help or just you get a super drunk on white wine and then you need someone to talk to. Give them a call 24 seven. They're there. How do I website? Like

go bad. They'll talk you down from a bad LSD trip. You need to drink three waters. Go drink three waters. Get in bed. Somebody get his man some orange juice in graham cracker and stay calm. You need to spare to the chill out to it. You need to get him to the chill out 10. He needs to drink three waters and he needs to urinate. You need to urinate, sir, and flush these toxins. I want to make a website. You can't. I want to make a website. There's a gorilla in my chair. How do I get the gorilla out so I can sit down on my desk and do my typing? It's nice to just steal him a dot com. The gorilla is stealing my dot com. A gorilla is my information. My gorilla put the bottom in

his mouth and he's drinking all the internet in the world. The girl is stealing my identity. Stronger. He's gorilla. Grot. He's a genius. We're all doomed. So go to surface.com and use the offer code my brother. That's all one word. My brother get 10% off your first purchase. Square space, square pace. Choose a different name for your hosting service. Square space. A better web starts with your website. I'm Dave Holmes. I'm the new host of international waters, the transatlantic comedy show where land laws do not apply. I am here with one of our writers, Sarah Morgan from the UK. Hello, Sarah. Hi, Dave. How you doing? I didn't understand what you just said. Could you explain international waters and how it works? It's a

transatlantic panel game. We have teams based in the UK and in LA and basically people try to be funnier more than they try to know things. I caught about half of that. Find international waters on maximumfund.org. Thank you for your attention. I will see you on international waters. Do you guys want a Yahoo? Please. It's only sent by Charles Decker. Thanks, Charles. It's by Yahoo Answers user. Wait for it to load on Yahoo's new shitty website. This is asked by Yahoo Answers user Travelman who asks, how do Popeyes employees know you've eaten there before? Oh, you don't even have to say anything else. I get it. The first time I went there, they just said, welcome to Popeyes. But now they always say, welcome back to Popeyes.

How do they know I've eaten there before? Hmm. Statistically speaking, everyone's eating there. Everyone's eating at Popeyes. I have to tell you guys, I've never eaten at Popeyes. I've never eaten at a fucking Popeyes. Griffin, you have in fact, you fucking liar. When did I eat at a Popeyes? When there was a Popeyes? There was a Popeyes like right across the main road from our apartment when we lived in Batavia. And you just assumed that I fucking hoved over there? No, we ate there together. I brought you back some Popeyes we ate it together like brothers. It was a special goddamn moment in our relationship. How could you fucking forget that? I can't believe you don't remember it. Right, but I finally became brothers.

If I cross the threshold of the Popeyes, are they going to be like, hey, I know you've never been here before, but you've consumed our products. So welcome here. Welcome back for the first time. If you know what I mean, Griffin McElroy, Social Security number 138-311-412. I'm just in a real opportunity to open one of these in Huntington. Just because like there isn't one and everyone needs it to stay alive? Yeah, apparently everyone's been there except all of us. So maybe if I open one. You open a you open a Popeyes and run next door jack-in-the-box and you'll be a very rich man. Did you guys hear the news? By the way, we got a we got a chipotle. I know we talked about this

in the last we talked about it. You can come back. It put it open. But you think hold up. You think that's why Travis and I bounces. We were like, no big fab burritos. I can't get any chipotle here. I just figured that's why you left. I knew it wasn't me. So I figured it was chipotle. It was guacamole. It's the guacamoles. I haven't been to Popeyes, but I guess they're okay. I have an answer. I think that they say welcome back to Popeyes because if they said welcome to Popeyes, what that puts on the employees is expectation that you're going to have to explain all the nuance to ordering at Popeyes. You have to give them the full sales pitch. None of them want to do that. So to circumvent having to walk you through the experience of choosing your breading and

biscuit combos, they say welcome back to Popeyes and just assume that you know the drill. Sure. It's like when you run into somebody at a party and you can't remember if you've met them before. And so you just go, hey man, like that? Exactly. Yes, that's exactly. And then of course you haven't met them before and you look like a fucking crazy person. But if you commit to it, they look like they have amnesia. Right. Does Popeyes embed all of us with secret ID chips in Travis? Oh yeah. Okay. I mean, I know it was a pretty obvious question. I just wanted to like... You think that's what the spice is made out of? Secret ID chips? Is there spice on that food? Not if you don't get it spicy. Okay. But they strongly recommend you get it spicy.

Otherwise they can't track you. That's how it stayed off the grid this long. Listen, Chica. How are we going to be able to keep tabs on you, sweet baby? Who is this employee? That's the lady who's in their commercials. She's like a southern sort of southern lady who welcomes you back with open arms. Come on and eat all my nano machines. Don't you want to get super strong, sugar? I'll activate the Daedalus protocol. That's my guarantee to you, sugar. Just go ahead and suck them down. Suck down these marrow bones. You'll get to jump super high and will know everything that you buy and eat.

No problem. They can talk to your credit card. That's convenient, sugar. Oh boy. Is it okay to play music from my phone to cover up any possible sounds made while using a bathroom at work or in public? And that this person has... Holy shit, the bravery. This person has neglected to come up with a clever gnome to prove... It was clearly an accident that he didn't do this. Can we come up with one for him, please? Sure. All right. What do we know about him? We know his name is Kirk and he lives in Maryland. And he uses the bathroom and he's apparently real, real noisy in there. Okay, so I don't know. Whatever he's doing in there, he's making a significant amount of decibels doing it.

That's from decibel-ducing in Maryland. That's from decibel-ducing in Maryland. I think that's too obvious. The best thing you can do is wait for flush windows, which I think we've all done, right? Your problem isn't that this... Your problem is that it's obvious that if you go to the bathroom and the person that's on next to you is fucking rocking out to Splish Splash, I was taking a bath. Then you think like, oh, that person's playing music because they're pooping. You don't think, why is there music in the bathroom right now? I mean, okay, not to get a little blue, but the pooping sounds belong in the bathroom. No one is upset by hearing those. They make cringe slightly. Every time. I'm not kidding.

I'm in a grown-ass man. I just bought a house. I own land. If I hear someone make loud poop sounds in the bathroom and the stall next to me, I have to suppress a laugh every time. 100% of the time. Okay, this might sound outlandish to a lot of people listening right now. When I was in Japan, all of their fucking super toilets that beat the shit out of our toilets are dumb caveman toilets have incredible buttons on them, like one that will blow a sweet scent into your butt and one that will shoot water into your butt. A lot of things evolving, putting things in your butt to make it a better butt. What it also has is a noise button that you can play and it will make the sound very, very loud, shockingly, surprisingly loud of just running water. This

is good for two reasons. One, it helps sort of get things going. Two, it disguises your shame with the sound that's already pretty natural in the bathroom, but better than the alternative of the sound that your butt is definitely already making. Yeah, no response to that. That's because you both realized that all three of us live in the wrong fucking country. Yeah. You know, what I found when I was in Scotland is that they've developed technology in which when the stall doors close, they overlap so that you cannot peek through them. I really appreciate that. There are, if you're going to play music, there are a couple of things that are important to do. The first one is you have to also say out loud, where is that music coming from? Are they piping that in

so you can cover up that it's coming from you? Second, play something that's going to blend in really nicely, like perhaps the music of 311 that is largely indistinguishable from the sound of something we're making about me. Is audio books better? You know what? No, because then you might think someone's talking to you. What about live streaming like NPR? Do you think there's somebody who uses our podcast to poop too secretly? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, just statistically, yes. Maybe, could you play loud whimsical pooping sounds to cover your real ass poop? Just like go Elton John on the fart piano? Yeah. Seems to me. But then, because then whoever is listening would be like, ah, some jokester in here trying to make a joke. And then you do that enough and then you become

the office jokester. It's like, ah, that's Kirk doing, oh, shit, I said it. No, I'm sorry, Kirk. Now, everyone will know that Kirk poops. You become the lead on this whole Kirk pooper in Maryland. If you're in Maryland and you meet a Kirk, just know this. He has made a bowel movement. He has made at least one whoopsy daisy. If you become Kirk, the office jokester on the fart piano and everybody knows when they hear that, then like, oh, it's just Kirk acting a fool. And then you can start phasing the application out. Then you can start phasing the app out of the rotation. Yeah, just then when you make a bowel movement, all you have to do is shout, get it? Oh, that's over him. Oh, I love that. He's using the fart sacks button. That is a fart sacks solo.

That's my very, very favorite button on his fart piano app. No, it's not. He doesn't. All right. Listen, thank you guys so much for hanging out with us this week. We hope you had a lot of fun. One last thank you to everybody who gave in the Max Fun Drive. We crushed previous records. We crossed, we had over 2,500 new donors and upgrading donors. That's amazing. That's fucking bananas, guys. Like, thank you so much. I thought like maybe this was going to be the year when everybody was finally like, we're giving money to this. But instead they were like, we need to give money to this. It's unbelievable. So thank you guys. You're the absolute best, best, best. Make sure you listen to some other programs on the Max Fun Network. We've got a lot now. I've

got a lot of different offerings for you. There's the Goose Down. It's very funny. Lady to Lady is very funny. Oh, no, Ross and Kerry is another great one. Bullseye. If you liked when Sydney stepped in and helped us out with the question and you haven't listened to Saw Bones yet, first of all, what's the matter with you? Second of all, go listen to Saw Bones. Justin and Sydney host it and it's awesome. So thanks to people tweeting about the show. Rhodes Clark got his donation in under the wire. So thank you so much. Thank you to Tim Brick and A Foster and Paperback Princess, Emile DeLair. I'll just take a shot there. Alyssa Jefferson, Nick, John Rom, Ashley, Honey Boy, the Tontons, so many others. Thank you so much for tweeting

about our program. The Tontons are a band, by the way. I know. I feel so bad. They invited me to come hang out at one of their shows here in Austin and I was too busy getting horribly, horribly sunburnt in a different city. I would have been there. Thanks again to Nature Box. You can order all the snacks you want and you can get in shape for summer with Healthy Treats, like the barbecue kettle kernels. And you get 50% off your first order because you listen to us and we think you're awesome. So go to NatureBox.com slash my brother. Get 50% off your first order. Trust me, check it out. They've got awesome shit there and we're all big fans. And a big thanks to John Rodger for the long winters for the East Fred team song. It's a departure off the album, Putting the Days

to Bed. I mean, we've been singing the praises to that album for a long time, but it really is very good. Do wish there was a new album to talk about and promote. I would like that very much. I would like that very, very much if that could happen. But you know what? The wind is going to blow where it's going to blow and you can't change it. We can't control the wind. Can't control the wind. And what is John Rodger but the wind? He is the wind of people. Anyway, thank you, John and company. We are going to be performing a live show on May 24th at the People's Improv Theater in beautiful New York City. As you may have seen, tickets for that are sold out, but we are going to be releasing more tickets Wednesday at noon. So just go to the

pit-nyc.com and you will be able to get those tickets Wednesday around noon-ish. So keep an eye out. We don't actually aren't the ones pulling the trigger, so we can't guarantee at noon, but that's the plan. Wednesday at noon, more tickets. I think we're going to do it for us. Crippie, do you have a question that you could maybe read for us from Yahoo? And then we can kind of think about it in the intervening week. We'll answer it next week. Oh, absolutely. This final Yahoo is sent by Brian Couch. Thank you, Brian. It's by Yahoo Answers user Calamity who asks, How do I keep my son from naming my grandson Yolo? I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. It's been my brother,

my brother, and may kiss your dad square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hi, my name is Rishikesh Airway, and I have a podcast called Song Explorer. In each episode, a musician takes apart one of their songs and piece by piece tells you the story of how it was made. You get an inside look into the creative and technical process and a unique view of a song by hearing just the drums or just the guitars or say just a world it's a piano. If you're a fan of music, if you make music, or if you just like to learn how things are made, come check it out on Maximumfun.org. Thanks.