My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 197: Number the Veins

Episode Date: April 21, 2014

Do you know how much we love you? We love you enough to get interested in what you're interested in, assuming that you're interested in Applebee's gift cards, because that's really about as far as we're willing to go. Suggested talking points: Game of Grindage, Applebee's Double Dip, Cat Abs, Doublet Survival, Dirty Story Boys Co., Boss Buds, Fjorrest Gump

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother, and me, an advice show for the modern era. I don't know why I decided to scat the title, why don't we just talk a little bit about it. I'm Travis McElroy, your middle-aged brother. I'm your baby-ist-baby-brother Griffin. You know that he's actually saying words in

Rested Roots Simi on my way. He's saying words. I know the words. It's not, I think, scat on purpose. I used to think is nobody safe, nobody on. It's not that. That is 100% it. Guys, I guess I'm less of the baby now, aren't I? You're less of a baby. You're finally a man. Took me a few extra years on top of that most of those people. The McElroy tradition is at 27. Griffin, how does 27 feel to you? How does it feel? I mean, here's the thing. Rachel got me a box of Tiff's Treats for my birthday, a local

warm cookie delivery company, and I ate three-quarters of the box just as soon as I received it, so I don't know that necessarily I'm more of an adult. It's not an adult way to consume cookies. My age is actually defined by the fact that if I did that, I would die. How did your rum-tum tummy feel afterwards? Rum-tum shitty. Did not enjoy it. You did not enjoy it, would not recommend. Savor that right now, though, because it didn't kill you. No, I know. It sounds like I got it into the fucking wire, because I guess in, like, what, six years,

then one of my feet will fall off if I try that best time. It's such a big day. Griffin had his birthday on the 17th. By the way, P.O. Box 54, honey, if you want to send Justin presents for my birthday that I will never receive, I'll make sure he gets some oink. That's no problem. It's Griffin's 27th birthday. It's 420. It's Easter. He has risen. And there's going to be a new episode of Game of Thrones. That's what I'm most excited about. Travis was keen to point that out. I'm finally caught up after, I think the show's been on for eight years, and I finally, like,

watched it. This shit's really good, you guys. I don't know if you know this. Yeah, thanks, Travis. But it's like an underground success. I can't wait to read the novelization of the show. It's really bad. Yeah. It's boring, and everybody has, here's something that surprised me if you read the books. All the people in the show have names. I thought three of them did, but no, they've all got names, and none of them are like Dylan or like Ralphie.

What's great, now that I'm caught up, it's having conversations with people about the show, and this is no joke, the conversation I had with my friend Charlie. Yeah, that one guy, Jory. No, the other one. Jorah? No, the other one. George. Marma. The onion guy? No, the other one. Stannis. No, I know Stannis. This is not Stannis. I don't know who you're talking about. I still, I've watched every episode of the show, and I read the first two books, and still there are times when I think that one of the guys is another guy.

The guy who, I tell you the problem with this show is the guy who is down with the lady who wears red all the time, he is the most generic dude in the world. He could be popping up like every, every few scenes in like the background, and I would not notice that. They could swap that actor out daily, and I would not notice. His name is basically Stan, is also not helping. Yeah. He looks like a, he looks like a fucking superintendent. But it's Stan's buddy, it's Stan's buddy Greybeard dude, the onion,

who I simply cannot remember his name, except that he's the onion knight. Dr. Onion. Boy, the silly knight. Silly knight. Okay, boy. Like, there's not really anything funny about Game of Thrones. So let's talk about our listeners and their problems and try to help them, because that's what we do.

Yeah, let's just not talk about Jesus. I thought we were going to skew into Jesus jokes for a while there, and I thought we really pulled it out. Good job, guys. Yeah, I say my one good, he is risen joke. He is blazin'. 420. There's only one day worth coming back from the dead four.

All you care about is babes and grindage, Justin. Sick of it. And leasing the juice. And leasing and grindage. I've recently gotten back into the dating scene while in the universe. Listen, this is an American show, and if you're going to write into it, it's college, which makes money for dates hard to come by. Is it in bad taste to use gift cards and coupons while on a date?

Regards. I don't want to miss this chance in Kyanyera. Oh, man. Oh, man. It's in bad taste if you're using Applebee's gift cards on that date. Because it's UPSU. Especially if you're not at Applebee's. UPSU into Applebee's.

Do you accept Applebee's gift cards? So this is a red robin. Do they have the bees in Canada? It's just called Le Applebee's. Le Applebee's. Oh, great. Yeah, no, why wouldn't it be called that? For sure.

They, but they have to have both of the signs. So every Applebee's is huge because they have them. I thought every restaurant in Canada needed to be named after like a very manly sounding man. This is Paul Thwackam. I'm not joking. I thought every restaurant had to fall into like even top of the line, like like a Vancouver bistro. Are you basing this off of anything other than Tim Hortons?

And Stan McKita's doughnuts notwithstanding. No, you can't. Illinois and in Wayne's World. By close enough, I consider Illinois basically Canada's Alaska. Illinois is non-contiguous Canada. Isn't it odd how the very behaviors that might make someone a desirable life partner. Right, like frugality. Antithetical to the actual wooing of

person. I don't know. I would be, I would be pretty goddamn mood if somebody was like, oh, by the way, don't even worry about it. Groupon is same now. Groupon. I'd be here's what you gotta do. I think Groupon has more.

Okay. So let me, okay. Groupon, I think is trendier. Yes. I think, I think Groupon has an air of hipness to it. If you pull out, like if you're at Captain D's and you pull out a. You already fucked up. That's right.

Yeah, hold on, Justin. I'm going to stop you there. I don't think the coupon's going to have any. If you're at the D's or the B's, you've done fucked up before you even started. What if you say, listen, fella, I'm taking you to Applebee's and I'm going to use a gift card, but I'm going to use the differential on another day activity post dinner. So I have a $25 Applebee's gift card. You and me, we're going to go to Applebee's and save some dough.

But then I'm going to take that $25 and then I'm going to take you to Coldstone for a little post Applebee's roundup and get you the German chocolate cake or maybe some of those ice cream cupcakes that got there that you like so much. And we'll just, I'll pass, basically what I'm saying is I'll pass the savings on to you. Can you just go right back through those revolving doors right back into Applebee's for a second dip? You saved, you dropped the card, you paid for the entire first Applebee's dip. Your first bee's and you pay for all that.

Like I got this and then you bounce out, step outside, maybe have a smoke, post bee's smoke in the Applebee's smoking, smoking plaza. And then you turn right back around and you go in and maybe you try a different one of their delicious $9 or entrees. I have, I have been to Applebee's because of my geographical location. I have been to Applebee's more times than I care to admit and of the many thoughts that have crossed my mind after an Applebee's meal, most of them regretful in nature.

I've never thought to myself, the one I thought I've never had is, man, I just want to be here another hour. I just want to soak this in. That Jason Syracuse picture of that lacrosse team, nearly long enough. Does Jason Syracuse commercial say he voices over at the end of each one of the seeds see you tomorrow and that could be seen as sort of a veiled threat after you just finished. If you've left any Applebee's and you go home and you do have diarrhea, and then you turn on one of those commercials and today this is like,

Hey, you are coming back here every day until you die. Like I don't know. Have you guys ever gotten carry out from an Applebee's? Yes. The method, I don't know if this is universal, but the method by which one gets carry out from Applebee's is the sketchiest, like most tacit admission that their whole atmosphere is the wackest. You have to, you tell them what car you're driving and you pull up to like a secret side door.

You flash your blinkers twice. Flash your blinkers twice. You don't have to flash your blinkers, but it does help if you have your headlights on and they say, Oh, there he is. He's in the Kia. Go take this out to him. And you exchange the money for services right in your car. It's the dirtiest.

I'm always tempted when they bring the food out to say like, just quick, quick, get in, get in the passenger seat. I want to be able to see you. Let's do this in the car. People are watching. You got the stuff. You got, Hey, Hey, what's in the bag? You got them onion dippers.

You got onion blasters. Straw slippers. Nice. Slippers. I'll be back here tomorrow. I'll be here tomorrow. Because Jason Sudeik has told me to on TV. How about a real quick hand job?

You accept your cards? My date's in the back seat. Hey, what's up on the date? Give me a hand job. You didn't forget the onion sloths. That's a hybrid slaw and sauce for onions. Onion sloths. Dip it in and suck it down.

Okay. How about a yahoo? We have not helped this person at all. So in closing your life. I find frugality incredibly erotically fascinating. You're 27. Yeah. If I went on a date with someone and I pulled out,

well, first of all, my wife would be very upset. But if I pulled out a gift card and they judge me harshly for that, I'm like, okay, this is done. That's how you're judging my quality as a person is. Whether I use a gift card or not. I actually think if I went on a date with somebody who was disciplined enough to have a gift card, remember they had the gift card,

go to the place to use the gift card and then actually present the gift card, I would think, oh, thank God, it's an adult. Thank God, I have an adult to take care of me. Because the other side of that coin is basically, if they judge you for it, what they're saying is like, oh, you couldn't just pay real money for that. Like what?

That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It's as good as money. It's just you turn it into onion sloths. Right. I would say this money. I would be kind of bummed out because then I would know that that person has a grandpa that's maybe not so like,

like, I'm not getting to know like what that person's at. Oh, like, oh, you have a pretty strained and distant relationship with your grandpa. That's too bad. Like we probably would have waited until date four or five to bring that up. But that telltale B's gift card has outed the secret, I guess. Yahoo, McGryphon.

I'll give you a tight yahoo. This one's sent in by Cruz Flores. Thank you, Cruz. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Deathstar, who asks, I want my cat to develop abs like Ninja Turtles. How can I do it? So he wants a warrior cat, basically. I don't think the warrior cats have sweet, sexy, rippling abs.

I would probably do it somewhere. This person clearly seems unaware that the Ninja Turtles also do not have abs. I guess it was their shell. That's their shell, dumbass. Well, maybe like, geez, read a book. Maybe they watched the trailer for the, the, what's that fucking, what's that dude's name?

You want to make solid movies? Michael Chatter Bay. Steven Spielberg. Michael Bay. And he made that trailer and you can tell like, they look pretty busted, right? They look like they might. They don't look good.

They look pretty, they look all ripped up. And I think you can just sort of into it that they have, they're fucking blasting some, some green ass shit. Let's see. I thought that those Ninja Turtles, they look like like a six year old strong of Ninja Turtles from like having watched like one episode.

That is what the ones in the microphone. But like creepily, like all ripped and busted. Like they look like Ninja Turtles that have been like smoking two packs a day. Um, since they were born. They look a little bit torn up. Like since their heyday, they've just been sort of, it looks like underground.

You think they would have lived since 1988. Yeah. Here's the other thing about us. You don't know we're immortal and we can never die and we have to live in shells in the suit. Pass me my palm balls. But we do clearly age. Yeah.

Ninja Turtles. They look a lot more like Ninja tortoises. Ninja Turtles came and they saved me from, from a shredder and it was awesome. And they smelled like a million grandmas. They stink like shit. They gave me some chocolates out of their purse and it tasted like Virginia Slims.

Did it, did I mean, did they smell bad because they live in a sewer? No, they, they smelled like an old, old man that was like real ripped up and torn up and just like real haggard. They gave me an Applebee's gift card. They gave me an Applebee's gift card because they just couldn't be fucking bothered

to get to know me. What does good for your head when you're like, you know what, I bet he would like Applebee's. But I don't know what he likes there. I can't just go get him the thing he wants if he doesn't want it right now. Don't you remember that one time when Billy told me all he wanted for Christmas

was a couple of Brutuses? You remember. A couple of shot glasses, full of sugary goo. Okay, onion sloths. Okay, listen. I want my cats to develop house like Ninja Turtles. I don't think I was outside of the room with possibilities because cats got tummies

and you can probably tighten that shit up. You could probably get that, that tummy a little bit tighter, kitty, kitty. Cat crunches. What if you pick them up underneath their front legs and then because they, as they're trying to get away, that seems like that would be good for the core, doesn't it? Like you pick them up by their front.

You pick them up like underneath their armpits, basically, and you hold them aloft, like sort of like in the- Teach them to walk. In the Lion King pose, right? And then they're flailing to try to get away from your grip and while they're doing it, they're blasting their core. They're just getting super, super ripped. If I kiss my kitty's tummy over and over again,

and tickle my nose with soft, tummy hairs, is that going to give them a stronger core? It might, because they would get the giggles. And then you're giggling. Laughter is the best medicine for ab workout. Laughter is the best ab workout. That tickles. You could also put that thing on their tummy

that electro shocks it. Oh, tight. Yeah, another of you. Oh, that's good. In one of those, like, you could put it in one of those jiggly belts that you see in like 50s fitness things. Could I tell you how awesome it would be to walk into a room and see a cat just standing up

on one of those things, like drinking a Bloody Mary and smoking a cigarette and getting fit. Cooking an old time microwave meal that has the foil and shit on it. I don't think, I don't think, I don't think there were microwave meals with foil on them at any point in recorded history. That seems like a whole lot of lies.

Took them a while to figure that shit out. This food has eyeballs on it. What are we doing wrong? We fucked up. We don't understand microwaves. You know that we couldn't use microwaves for the first 30 years after they were invented because we kept trying to put foil in there.

Justin, I don't think I can go on the rest of the show just because I, since this idea was first proposed, all I can think about is your chunky dumpster of a cat with one of those shake belts on it and just like imagining how that would, how that would go. First off, Claudia Jean is slimming down. How much? What's she down to?

She's, she's down to 18 pounds. That's from 20. So she's like on the road to recovery. She's trying to get fit. She hates every second of it and she still won't exercise even though I asked her to. And I got it at Billy Blank's tape. She asked for it and she doesn't ever put it in, ever.

Bob Harper. And she's just full of different articles, those stretchy like ropes and like the perfect push up. All of it. The abroller, none of it. She won't touch it. She asked for them and then once they show up like, oh, I don't remember.

I don't know. Maybe I'll definitely, definitely try that. Oh yeah. She won't. Good suggestion. Let me see that. Yeah. I'll read this during lunch.

Did you just want me to pee on this or no? I would like you to use it and blast your core, please. If your cat was on the biggest loser, which, which trainer do you think she'd want to be teamed up with? Jarlington. Jarlington. Jarlington. Claude Jarlington.

Claude Jarlington. Claude Jarlington. He is, he is two of them. Yeah. He, he exercised so hard that he divided the amytosis. And if you hurt one, the other feels it's pain. Like those brothers in G.I. show. Exactly that.

A hundred percent. You got it a hundred percent right. Thanks. I mean, like, yes, my cat's overweight. Like I didn't know what I was, I don't know how it happened. You feed her turkey out of the fridge. Not anymore. And also she loves it.

One of my hobbies is traditional archery. I enjoy archery because it's a calm, methodical, physical skill that gets me outside. However, I also have a geeky interest in history and fantasy. For a long time, I've been looking at clothes that would pass for a peasant lung, but man, but I think I can get an ensemble that I will enjoy for around $80. But the thing is, I think I can get an ensemble that I will enjoy for around $80. But the thought of spending this much pains me.

We have a medieval outfit while having a medieval outfit would be cool. I do not think I would be brave enough to wear it in public. No public in general, but well, no fairs or Halloween party sans deadly weapon. Even if I could work up the courage to dress up outside the house, it bothers me that I would spend money on something I would only wear a few times a year. Brothers, should I indulge in my geek side or just let a fun dream be a fun dream? That's from Mary Mann in Minnesota. Holy shit.

This is the best question I've ever gotten. It's really good because we've all struggled with this at some point in our lives. We've all been here in some variation. I have a few questions. First off, you've said you'd only wear it to places like rent fairs or Halloween parties, but you'd wear it without the deadly weapon. So from what I can tell, there is no context in which the bow and the garb, the tunic would be worn simultaneously.

So I don't see the connection to your archery. Right. First off. Have you guys ever seen Arrow? Hell yeah, I've seen it. Please can we not talk about Arrow? It's just once you get Justin fucking going on Arrow. Good luck.

Do you guys want to talk about Arrow? Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, not again. I can't fall into this. And this guy get a Kickstarter going. I would kickstart your tunic. I would kickstart all $80 of it. Absolutely. America's next top arrowman.

Let me say this, Maryman, you better have some compelling reward tiers, because I think you are going to be passing those the early boundaries. One, I assume $80 to buy the tunic, $10,000 for your medical bills after somebody beats your ass. And then once you get past like $10,080, I want to know what else you've got cooking up. I don't think in any of these situations that this person is talking about, wearing this peasant longbowman garb is one that is going to get their ass. Here is my thing. I've been thinking about this probably a lot more than is natural or healthy.

But do you think that like when you roll out to a run for it, there's got to be like a hierarchy of like the dudes who have spent like, you know, $8,000, $10,000 on their like full suits of armor. And then they see somebody roll up and just like a puffy shirt and like leather pants, and they're like, check out this bugger. Fuck spending $8,000, $10,000 on a full suit of armor. How about the people who've spent 30 or 40 years becoming a goddamn blacksmithing artisan, like going out and, you know, farming tin ore in the Hillsbrad foothills,

and then coming home to smelt that shit, and then making armor for themselves specifically that they can only wear in this one fucking scenario. I think that they are probably at the top of the caste system. So you have to imagine that like there is the possibility you would roll up to the bin fair and suddenly a swarm of ne'er-do elves would descend upon you and beat your ass. I think that's possible. That's why you got to have that bow.

You got to be armed. Yeah, definitely. I don't think you can wear a tunic without the bow to back it up. I guess is what I'm saying to you. That's beautiful. I also don't understand the compulsion to dress like a peasant longbowman. We're all playing pretend. Listen, most days I wear cargo shorts and a t-shirt,

and if that's not modern-day peasant garb, I don't know what is. So I don't know why at a rim fair I wouldn't want to dress up like a fancy dude. It's like going to San Diego Comic-Con and cosplaying as Jimmy Olsen. Like, get fucked together. I'm Fitzpatrick Fitzwallis, the guy superman rescues the issue. Yeah, I'm Spider-Man's landlord. My name's Hank. Hank Landlordman.

I got the powers of I fixed that faucet for you. No problem. Let me know if you got any other issues. And I don't ask any questions. I'm real dumb. I do know his dark secret, though. He takes really bad shits. He clogs that motherfucker up.

Spent a lot of time on Spidey's Clocks. Here's the one thing about me. I'm really good at getting blood out of stuff. Bleeds all over everything, that kid. No problem. No big deal. I got that for him. I fixed that squeaky window to beat the one you used to get in and out of your apartment.

Can I make a suggestion? If you want a garb to go along with your archery, can I suggest instead of a peasant longbow garb, you instead cosplay as Gina Davis? I love this. Just like real-life Gina Davis? Not like character Gina Davis, real-life Gina Davis. Real-life Gina Davis, who's a master archer. Who's a goddamn incredible archer.

Incredible badass. Can I get a fat head for my baby daughter's wall of Gina Davis? A Gina goddamn Davis. Like mid-archery? That would be amazing. This is who I want you to aspire to. The star of Cutthroat Island and master archer Gina Davis. Let me also check out Speechless.

Not bad. Freddie, okay. Let me check the warehouse for it. Let me check in the back. We only have a fat head of Gina Davis from Earth Girls Are Easy. So. It's always that. They produced, listen, after that movie came out, well before it came out, they produced,

I don't want to give away their trade secrets, but four and a half million fat heads of Gina Davis from Earth Girls Are Easy. Because they thought that that was going to take the world by storm. That those classic characters as portrayed by Jim Carrey. Oh, I can do this. Come on, Jeff Daniels. Incorrect. No, you messed it.

You switched your Jeffs. Jeff Goldbloom. Correct. And Ah Wayans. Ah, but which wayans, sir? The oldest question. Damon Wayans, senior. Damn it.

That's who you're looking for. So we're all agreed that you need to buy yourself an outfit, right? Yeah, buy it for $80. You know, wear it where you feel comfortable, feel tight to have it a bit. If you want it, here's my thing. If you want it, fucking buy it. It's not going to, if it's not going to hurt you, fucking buy the thing. We need to rebuild this economy too sweet.

Right. Yes. There are leather workers that are desperate for a client. And you can provide them an admittedly apparently meager amount of work. I'm saying $80 is that's nothing. Ooh, ooh, what about this? Teach yourself a skill. Fucking sew that outfit yourself.

Oh, that's good. Get that go to Joanne fabrics, get the tunic pattern. And some lovely prints and just make it for yourself. I love that. Fucking earn it. And then if anyone tries to give you shit about it, like, oh yeah, I made it. Don't think of it as $80. You're only spending to dress up once in a great while.

Think of it as an investment in post apocalypse protection because after the revolution comes and the grid is shut down, the man who spent all his time making armor and learning archery are going to be the only ones worth a damn to get shot to death by the guy who bought 100 guns. No, guns won't work either. I have 100 guns. What do you have? I can make a doublet. Well, okay.

Cool, cool. I will trade you a gun for a doublet. Done. That's called free market. And then you shoot that man to death and take all his guns. Tailoring wins the day. I want to go to the money zone. You're listening to a podcast.

I know you like podcasts. Don't try to trip. I want you to subscribe to the Optimism Club podcast. That's on iTunes and Stitcher. That's with Steve Ball and Andy Ditchell. They sit down and talk about what's new and exciting in the world. Possible. Dictal, digital.

Andy Ditchell. Your digital co-host. They talk about what's exciting in the world of pop culture. I think like Max Headroom. Steve, great joke. Bitch, can I do my ad, please? Thank you. Jesus Christ.

It's not like this. I bet they let each other finish fucking sentences as they discuss everything from movies and TV, comic books, anything you possibly nerd out about without fail. They also spin off on borderline. Insane tangents like how every movie will be improved by introducing hyper-intelligent apes. I do agree on that front.

It's on iTunes. It's on Stitcher. Or you can like their Facebook page. It's called the Optimism Club. Catch it. I want to talk to you guys about a very personal thing close to my heart that I just learned about. It's a, I demand actually that you donate to the Doodle Game Kickstarter.

You can go to doodlegame.com slash my brother for more info and Mabin Ban fan doodles. Now I should point out all of these times I've said doodle. I should have spelled it because it's actually D U with an umlaut D-L-E. If you're just entering the URL, I don't think you have to hit the umlaut button. Just D-U-D-L-E game.com will get you there.

Oh my god, these are amazing. Doodle, pronounced doodle, they pronounce it, they provide a pronunciation guide. I was about to call it doodle. It's a party game of illustrating randomly generated phrases. How do you play? Each player draws five cards, one adjective, two nouns, one verb, and one adverb, and then tries to illustrate that phrase.

Can the other players guess your phrase based on your drawing? If you like Mabin Ban laughing and playing creative tabletop games with your friends, then donate to the Doodle Game Kickstarter. And like I said before, you can check out some Mabin Ban specific content at doodlegame.com slash my brother, which I'm going to look at right now. Oh yes, holy shit, these are incredible. There's tiny omely Pokemon singing sexily. Okay, there's uh...

Middleist ghost horse shoplifting poorly. Cosmic bear god devouring furiously. Oh man, dirty corn cob boy. Warrior Pokemon juggalos sad living quietly. Oh man. Baby orb yahoo answering expertly worried groundhog detective swiping dramatically. Listen, go to this dirty corn, dirty corn cob boy hiding Edward Snowden happily. Oh, there's some good stuff.

Doodle Game at the d-u-d-l-e game.com forward slash my brother dot html. Yeah. Oh, that's great. I want to play that. Oh god, that's really funny. Go go look at that and and kickstart their game. God, I'm starving. I didn't eat before the show and I'm starving.

Do you want to like take a break? No, I can't take a break. I'm too busy. Do you want to eat these fatty corn chips and sloppy slimy fatty greasy Doritos? Try to lose weight, Griffin. Please help me. And I bet they've got GMOs. They hire stuff with GMOs, but I've heard on line from a friend that I met online that

GMOs are good for you because they help your bones get stronger. Incorrect. That the only thing that's good for you in the world that you can trust is NatureBox at naturebox.com. They've got delicious, nutritious, superstitious snacks that they send right to your door. And they're great for you. And they're delicious. They got BBQ Kettle kernels.

Oh, everything bagel sticks. Yeah, South Pacific plantain chips. And they're healthy. They do not pack with GMOs. They're packed with. What about my bones, though? Your bones will really enjoy eating everything bagel sticks, BBQ kernels, and our personal favorite salted caramel pretzel pops.

Um, I want to try it, you know, I want to try it, but I don't want to pay full price. Can anybody help me? I can, Justin. I will loan you some money. If you try NatureBox right now, you'll get 50% off your first box. You just have to go to naturebox.com forward slash my brother. 50% off your first box. Like there's a $30 box that I think contains 10 bags.

I should know because I just ordered it. But 10 bags for 30 bucks, 50% off $15. It's an amazing deal. You can choose your snacks and then they send you a new box every month and you can like mix up the snacks and they're delicious. They really are quite good. NatureBox.com slash my brother and you get 50% off. Go.

Okay. Now I'm full, but you know what else? I'm bored. Oh God, you are a fucking super needy guy. I really need you. You're like a child. You're basically my whole industry. Oh boy.

Fail the holes in my life capitalism. Extreme restraints is not advertising with this episode. Your holes. Complete me as a person. Your holes will remain vacant. Justin, do you like television? What? Yeah, I guess I like television.

I hate watching television because when is anything ever on? I don't know what anything's on. I know I'm paying for cables, a real pain in the old patootie. That's the end. Next question. Our new secret fourth brother Rosie O'Donnell is really making a splash on this episode. Well here's the good news.

A kooch ball just rocking it out of my monitor and I did dodge it the last second. So what you need to do is sign up for Hulu Plus. With Hulu Plus you get all the episodes of current seasons of stuff like Family Guy, Parks and Recreation, Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon and also like Community and South Park shows that you already love and you can get them as new episodes come out. And you can watch them on the now literally everything. Travis, sometimes you sound so much like a commercial.

I think you must be reading something, but like you're not. You're just flipping it off the down. I'm just a fucking awesome salesman. You're like half commercial. And you can, they got original shows, right? There's a new one I saw a commercial for while I was watching something else on Hulu called Dead Beat, which is about a guy who smokes pot and could talk to ghosts. And it's a dude from Reaper who is like the best part of that show, Reaper.

That short lived show Reaper that he was the best part of is $7.99 a month. And you can, you can watch all these shows basically on any device that you want. But if you sign up now at huluplus.com slash my brother, all in word, you will get two weeks of full access totally free. That is an extra week more than the standard demo period. And you will get that extra week on us. Really luxuriate in it. Huluplus.com slash my brother.

Hey, I'm Jesse Thorn for maximumfun.org. Last year, we got together with some of our favorite comedians and musicians and put them on a boat. It was a huge success and we had such a great time. We decided to do it again this summer. The second annual Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival set sale on July 25th. Though technically there are no sales. Comedians will include W. Kamau Bell, Karen Kilgariff, Greg Barrett, Mosha Kasher, Kyle

Kanane, Natasha Leggero and more. Our music night is hosted by the great John Roderick of the Long Winters. And you can check out Jean Gray and others to learn more about the Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival and to book your passage. Visit boatparty.biz. The Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival. Comedy. Music.

Shuffleboard. I have a co-worker who I share my position with who daily talks about having sex. You can say it's fine. This is a safe space. Our show has a teen rating on iTunes. So we can say we can address these adult topics. Having sex with his girlfriend or before that just random girls. I don't want to hear his dirty board stories.

But he seems to delight in bragging. I have asked him to stop. But it only seems to make him enjoy it. Oh God. How do I get him to stop telling me about his late night escapades? And that's from Don't Talk About Your Genitalia in Australia. Pretty, pretty good. It seems like the solution's in the question.

If only. He enjoys it when you tell him not to talk about it. You gotta beg him to talk about it. Oh more details. How'd you go on? Tell me about how you used your penis again. No stick it to. Number the veins Carlton.

Oh my God. God. Paint a picture of Maman with these. Number the details. Number the veins. Number the veins. It was actually more upsetting to me that his name was Carlton. That's quantified.

That's probably Carlton. That is my favorite Lewis Lowry book. No. Is it not okay? Cannot. Well not. Should not. Just gotta, I think Travis is so right you have to beg for more details.

There is no verbal picture he will paint for you that could ever be resplendent enough. You have to continue to elicit adjectives from this man until he can adjectify no more. And when he's done, when he finishes the story, he's like yeah I don't want to talk about it anymore. You gotta look at me like and now I need you to really give it to her tonight and remember every detail. Really perform above and beyond Carlton. Come in tomorrow and tell me everything. Bring a talk boy to the bedroom with you.

Record your entire love making session and then transcribe it. So we can discuss tomorrow. I want a lot of pressure here Carlton but I'm looking at you to be my big champ. I want some Kinsey ass fucking science doc. I want you to quantify every ounce of fluid. Don't you dare skip to the climax. If only there was some sort of position, some sort of position that we could invent right now that would exist inside of a corporate sort of structure that you could talk to and complain

about your co-worker who's talking about his giz sessions on the daily. If only there was like you know how there's like different positions like you know receptionist and you know data management. If only there was a position like that that was like giz complaint receiver. What about sex executioner? Like you're talking about the HR department. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

What now? Why haven't you done that? That's like the obvious. It's like I cut my arm right open. What do I do? Like you go to a doctor or you put a band-aid. Like there's a thing to do now already. Yeah to be fair.

To be fair this person does not list what industry they are in. So it's quite possible they exist in a business in which there is no HR department. There is no field. Professional field you can work in where this behavior is acceptable. Like none except unless it's Dirty Story Boys the Dirty Story Boy Company Inc. Co. where you only tell dirty stories to other boys. That is the only business if you have and it is driving and it is fucking hopping.

Our next sponsor is Dirty Story Boy. If you're a Dirty Boy and you love dirty stories come on down to Dirty Story Boys where we are going to set you up with the dirtiest stories and the dirtiest boys. Every detail number the veins quantify the throbbing. Also all your saltwater aquarium needs. We also have accessories come on down. We're branching off Dirty Story Boys. I fucked this girl in college once and it was real cool.

That will be ten dollars. For what? What am I giving you ten dollars for? Man if you want more you gotta pay more. You know what I mean? That was the ten dollar package adjective free two sentences. That's what you get. Once I watched that showgirls movie and it had that lady from say by the bell in it

and I got my first boner. That will be twenty dollars. Cause that was embarrassing. Cause that was embarrassing. That's a celebrity story. That's a celeb porn story. That was a celeb encounter. That's a special diamond package here at Dirty Boy Stories.

That will be twenty. That's thirty dollars. I explain my business model to you which is in a way. One time I saw Susan Saran and taking a shower but it turned out it was my aunt Diana who only looks like Susan Saran and that'll be a hundred dollars. You can just give up that aunt Diana package. People love that. That's a very specific audience but they'll gobble it up.

Sure. DirtyStoryBoys.mbmbam they're going to give you your first story for free. It won't be a great one. It won't be a top of the line one. It might be good. Right. It's going to be a bottom tier. You get a sampler.

Within the next month I'm getting a new boss. It was an internal hire outside my department but I see my soon to be supervisor every now and then. I'm personable. I try to make small talk when I see him. How's it going? How are the kids nonsense like that? But he's not having it.

I'm talking minimal answers. I don't want to be the best friends with the guy but I would like to know we can get along in my workplace. Is there another way to gauge if Gage- Wow. Sorry. Is there another way to gauge? Is there a gauge to see if we're going to work well together?

Can I trick him into being my work pal or is it already F'd and I should quit while I'm ahead? The obvious answer is some kind of whimsical buddy road trip. Something where you learn a lot about each other but a lot about yourselves too. Do a full New England Applebee's tour. Can you try to give him an organ? Like does he need an organ or maybe he wants a backup organ? Or try to steal one of his organs and then blackmail him to be friends with you to get it back. These are all tremendous suggestions.

I haven't worked in an office since I was fucking 17 years old so if you could do a Jimmy Buffett Jesus. If you would count it don't even mention that dude's name. Listen everyone it happened again. We ate a pound of shit from people by offending them. First it was it was jugglers and then it was Jimmy Buffett fans. We did it again. Didn't think that there was that big an audience for that but apparently.

I think they prefer paired heads and also I like Jimmy Buffett's. I don't know what you guys are talking about. I'm going to do a live edition of Boat Drinks when we go to New York. Oh fuck. Somebody bring me a guitar. You can do that during the Justin show. What I'm saying is I don't think you can make anyone be your friend under any circumstances. Like especially if you're fucking working together but why do you give a shit?

Well here's the thing I'm going to I'm going to trust some knowledge that in your question you gave me the hint I need to solve this problem. When you say that you ask him how it's going and how are the kids and nonsense like that that says to me that you're clearly not interested in his answers. You're just trying to gauge if he likes you or not. And that's going to come across as like really insincere and that's not very likeable. I would say you should be interested in him and ask questions you want to know the answers to. Travis is echoing the sentiments of Uncle Dale Carnegie that is the only way to make friends

is to get genuinely accent on that word. They're interested in other people. If you're not actually interested and you're just like saying platitudes or idle chitchat for chitchat sake then it's not going to build an actual relationship. You got to get actually interested in the guy. And if he's not you know if he's not interesting then find something. Everybody's got something that's interesting about them. Find something get interested in it and that's the only real way to to to build a friendship

like that. And then once you've started that then you drop some nags. Got a few nags. I mean also keep in mind he's your boss like you don't have to be friend. Of course everybody wants to be liked and everybody wants to be on good terms with people but like so you guys aren't like best friends going to see movies on the weekends together. So what you're you're he's your boss and it's a professional relationship more than anything else so that's probably okay.

Just make sure he doesn't hate you. The only reason to be friends with your boss is so you can get away with more shit. And I think bosses bosses know that full well so their hearts are hardened. You got to break through. They're so cold and dead inside. You got to genuinely like this guy first. You have to genuinely like this this person and and get actually actually interested in in this person.

But that's the only way that you're going to actually make a relationship. That's what you want to do. I don't know what to add to this. No we nailed it. We like yeah I mean got me one. Y'all any Yahoo. Please. This Yahoo was sent in by Drew Davenport.

It is asked by and now that field isn't even loading. Hey Yahoo answers you did a great job on your website. You did a real good job. You brought in some real experts. It's like it's like fucking healthcare.gov all over again. I feel like all signs are pointing to us needing to abandon Yahoo answers. Like not only is don't even fucking joke about dropping the ball but everybody decided that like oh these are like every week I see and there was a guy on like Buzzfeed.

This week it's like you'll love this guy. It's hilarious Yahoo answers responses like yeah hi is it 2010 again or no. Okay he's pretty late to the party. This this this field has been mined. By us. By us. It's done. We came in we gave the farmer $10 for the ore within his land and he was like oh I've got

$10 and then we've taken all of it and left his fields fallow. We salted the earth. Now I mean there's still people there's some fucking shamans some Yahoo shamans out there doing spiritual work reviving reviving the lands the mother earth. Drew Davenport is a level six shaman and he speaks directly to comedy guy and he gets a lot of product out of this this foul ass field. Now what do you find in this fallow ass field? Thank you Drew.

I can't tell you who fucking asked because this website won't load so I'm going to say it was asked by Drew Davenport who asks is stuffing shoes with socks noticeable. I stuff my shoes with socks daily to give me a bit of extra height. It's not uncomfortable walking but sometimes I notice I walk like one of my legs are sore. It adds about two inches to my shoe height making me almost 511 with shoes on. I always get the impression people are looking at me and I am constantly looking behind me. My friend is about 5'8 and he uses regular insoles to make him 5'10 we are both 16. What?

People noticed before and I was so embarrassed they were mocking me for days in school but despite this I still do it. What? I guess first of all you you asked a question about whether it was noticeable and said people noticed it made fun of you so yes can someone walk me through the actual procedure? I'm having trouble parsing. What kind of shoes are you wearing that there's an extra like two inches of space in there? What kind of shoes are we talking about?

This is obviously clown school right? It's Stompers school Stompers University. When I when I put just like normal like arch support insoles in my shoes I notice it's a little tight that's like an eighth of an inch of material. Yeah I don't know if this person is talking about wearing a lot of socks or if they just put the socks under where their foot goes in the shoe cavity in the shoe in the shoe hole. I don't think this person knows how big an inch is that's the only thing that makes I have to imagine two inches that's significant.

That's Frankenstein shoes. Yeah unless you have lifts and those go like under the like in the sole I'm I am It's a special shoes. Hey do you guys remember Forrest Gump? It's been a long time since America's consciousness has thought about that fool. Hey I'm re-released that I'm doing it. Travis I got something. Check this out.

Okay. Check this out. Shreel. Nice. I got one for you. How about that. Wait hold on I got one. I got no legs Forrest.

Okay well yeah I don't get that one. My legs are gone. What is that? I'm a lieutenant. I'm lieutenant Daniel. I'm lieutenant Daniel. Sergeant Daniel. The UK Forrest Gump has a silent U in his name.

Magic shoes. Crikey. Get your magic shoes here Gump. Seats taken Gump. I got boiled prawns. I got skewed fried prawns. Butter battered prawns. Jellied prawns.

Salt caked prawns. Arm raised prawns. Perched prawns. Come on up to my prawning bone Forrest. Forrest Gump. Forrest Gump. Oh god can I tell you something about that movie? Can I tell you something about British Forrest Gump?

Sally Fields would still be in it and she would still be fucking transcendent. She would still be incredible. Fuck me. Oh man. Stupid magic shoes. Dumb show. Dumb dumb dumb show.

Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. My brother, my brother, and me. We hope you had a good time. Some fun, some laughs. Thank you so much to people tweeting about the show with the MBAM hashtag. Like Jordan, Paul, Blistifer, Fenton's Dad, BTA, Schmoozy, Sir Bunnington,

Louisa Herron, Don Chappell, Comedy Podcasts, Sarah the Cat, Austin Gris Moore, and many many others. Were you just being generic then and just like thanking Comedy Podcasts? No that's an actual, we've talked about Comedy Podcasts before. The Twitter account, Comedy Podcasts. I think everybody's already started sending in emails and questions for the live shows.

Although I would stress that when you send them in, don't just put question for the live show. We're doing three of them people. Please specify which one you're going to be at. Please specify which one you're attending. I want to thank John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song instead of Parcher off the album Putting the Days to Bed.

Great little album, a lot of great tunes, a lot of great tracks. I suggest listening to track four and six and nine are my personal favorites. I want to remind everybody that there are still plenty of fantastic seats or I guess cabins available for the Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival at boatparty.biz. They had just announced that they added Tony Caiman, Carol Colb, Guy Branham, and James Adamian.

Adamian, that sounds right. Yeah, I'm going to go with that. And they already had said that Chris Fairbanks is going to be their most cashier. Kyle Kinane, Morgan Murphy, and John Roderick, which you might remember from 30 seconds ago. It's going to be huge. It's going to be a lot of fun.

There's going to be comedy and there's going to be music and it's going to make you really, really happy because you're going to set sail from Port Canaveral and spend three nights in the Bahamas July 25th. boatparty.biz. Sounds terrible. Who would want to do that? Catch it.

Bahamas. I want to say thanks again to our friends at NatureBox where you can get a box of delicious snacks and you can get your first order for 50% off if you go to naturebox.com slash my brother. Even if you're not sure, even if you're like, man, go check it out and just look at the shit they offer. It's incredible.

Also, a big thanks to Hulu where you can binge on thousands of shows anytime, anywhere. You can get that extended free trial of Hulu Plus. You can go to huluplus.com forward slash my brother. Griffin, do you have a last question? I do have a final one that you can chew on. Appropriate for reasons you'll understand here in a second. I'm just saying that what you just said is appropriate

to the subject matter of the question. So it's kind of funny how life works out sometimes, isn't it? It is funny. This one was sent in by Jacob Locker. Thank you, Jacob. It's by Yahoo Answers User Duncan who asks, is Jack Link's beef jerky bad for you? I'm Justin McRoy.

I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. You said chew on it and then beef jerky is sort of a sinewy shoe. This has been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad's square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture.

Artist owned. Listener supported. I'm Cameron Esposito. I'm Rhea Butcher. I am Ricky Carmona. And we are the cast members, what I don't know, podcastiness of Wham Bam Pow. That's an action and sci-fi movie podcast

you can find on Maximumfun.org or on iTunes. And what do we do? News reviews and things you can use. Tons of things we can use. We break it down so it can forever be broken. Hilarious jokes. Plus sometimes there's a dog in the studio. Sometimes there's a dog here.

We'll see you in your earbuds.