My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 198: The Soul Furnace

Episode Date: May 1, 2014

Sorry so late! Sorry so sloppy. Love you like a sister. Suggested talking points: April Flowers, Clooney Patreon, The Littlest Detective, New Swears, Gorilla vs. Lion, Jesus Comedy Clinic, Caesar's Last Breath

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the Modrenera. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your babyist, baby baby, Griffin McElroy. April showers have brought May flowers.

We are recording the 4 May, sir. There's no way that you know about the relative florality. I'm already, my flowers have already come in. I got some Easter lilies that done popped off. But then they're not May flowers, you fucking liar. Yeah, April, April showers done brought April flowers again, twice. I guess. You don't know, there could be a solar flare tomorrow. It kills everything on earth. That movie next. Please don't say things like that, Griffin. You know how prone I am to panic like that. Please don't put also in my sphere of consciousness the possibility of solar flare activity. April showers bring April flowers and May brings a total global extinction event.

Like in the movie next. Or an extinction level event like on the Buster Rhymes album. Which one? Yes. Extinction level event is the name of that one. I'm not familiar. Man, I hope I got that. I do not make many references and I did not. Yes, correct. I did nail that one. A no look shot from Justin McGraw, nothing but net. A no Wikipedia shot. A no listen for no knowledge of what the fuck he's talking about shot. I sunk it. I sunk it and I'm going to live with that forever. Never forget that one time I made that Buster reference and everybody loved it. Is there really nothing we can talk about in the news that's like, I mean, there's Hoskins.

Yeah, that'll be a real goof starter, a real barn burner and a goof starter that one. At least my wife will finally be able to tell him and Danny to video apart. So that's like something if you see one of those guys is Dan. But unless you're watching an old movie in which I didn't typically see Hoskins on my day-to-day, I would witness him in the Long Good Friday or something like that, not like on the street and be like, are you do Vito? I bet he got that a lot though. Probably not. They look nothing alike. And he's British. And also he's British.

I'm ready to help people and I know you guys are too, so let's just get to it. Now that I'm super sad about Bob Hoskins, let's go and light the ignition. I'm a recently single 27 year old female. I've always had a thing for older guys, but I'm wondering how old is too old and that's from, it's not because of daddy issues. Let's get that's good context. I appreciate that in there. My first question is, maybe it is. That's my first kind of a weird shade to throw at this person. We've just met, but okay.

Listen, I totally get it because older, you know, older dudes tend to have their shit together. They tend to not older humans tend to have their shit together. Regardless of gender, the older you are, the more shit together you. Yes, but the question asked her didn't say I like to date older humans. That's a good point. But like, I don't know that that's 100% true because I feel like there's a bell curve where you start to figure shit out in your thirties and then when you turn 45, you fucking lose the script a little bit. I'm pretty sure that what the key to this is just to pick somebody who's sort of your constant

in the like an older male actor that is your constant or or scientist or political figure. You don't have to limit it to just celebrity. That's pick the sexiest biologist you can find and let him be your bellwether by which I mean, let's say you settle on Clooney. That feels right to me as a 27 year old. You settle on Clooney as Clooney ages. So does your window of fellas you can date. So it's a constantly shifting window between your age and Clooney's age. Here's a counter question. As you age, how suddenly will there be a age at which they are older but too young to fit within your window? You know, so like right now at 27, maybe 40, you know, it's like I'm attracted to

older guys and that age starts at 40. But when you're like 34, 40 won't fit into that window anymore. No, now it's 60. I get some graph paper or something. There's got to be a sliding scale where it's like 10 years older, but not older than, you know, 25 years older than you. Something like that, you know, anywhere it always moves with you as you go. So that we how is that different? How is that fundamentally different from my Clooney? Because you didn't have a you didn't have a starting age or a cutoff. Justin, your your your theory is based on the idea that, for instance, myself and George Clooney are aging at different rates. I'm pretty sure that every second that passes in George Clooney life also expends a second of my time on this earth. Does

that make sense? That's actually a common misconception, Griffin, because he is on famous time. He's paid for have you seen that movie out of time with Justin Timberlake? I have not, but what I believe happens in it is that when people are rich and famous, they can't afford to be a little bit more leisurely about their day to day. Let's let's all let's all put our cards on the table. Okay. One day of Clooney's life is probably worth one year of our life. Yes. Like when Clooney passed, here's what I'm saying on the sad day that George Clooney. Oh, great. Now, let's keep all of this. Now, hang on. Now, hear me out on the day that George Clooney passes. If we assume that I'm still alive, I hope I'm not. I don't want to see this. But when George Clooney

passes, I would assume that the majority of the human population would say I would trade one more day of George Clooney on this earth for one year of this portly gentleman from West Virginia's life. I have enough people do that. We could have Clooney for another month and Justin will be dead. I think about it. I just think Clooney would appreciate it. And I think that given the possibility, most people would prefer to have Clooney. That's all I'm saying. How many people do you think, how many days do you think we could gain back from people doing like a give a year get a day program? Is Clooney the best target for this? Are we saying that he is the most valuable human being on earth? You are correct, Griffin, because we need to do Clooney and Brad Pitt so we can

have like oceans 46. That's going to eat up a thousand human lives. We are going to throw a thousand human lives into a Clooney. How many people are you willing to lay down before the altar of Clooney? Who are we going to toss into the soul furnace? It will really hustle up production though. Like if Stevie Soda is like, can we get one more take on that? And it's like, well, I don't know. Stevie, do you know somebody who's going to trade away a year of their life for this extra shot? Because it's not. It's like Kickstarter, but with your life force. It's Patreon, but with a soul furnace that you have to burn your whole family into. To be fair, Patreon already does kind of sound like a soul furnace. That's true. Let your children be gnashed in the teeth of Patreon,

the soul furnace. Step your ears into his gape. Gross. Gross. So gaping ma of Patreon, the soul furnace. To answer your question, burn yourself in the soul furnace. And maybe we can maybe we can get a new ocean movie going. Griffin, you got it? Yeah, sure. This Yahoo was sent in by Alan Black. Thank you, Alan Black. It's by Yahoo Answers user Beth, who asks, can I become a police officer? But I'm tiny. So that's nice. You heard that first part and you're like, well, yes, obviously. And then she was like, she's arguing with you in the title of the question. Although I have the option of striving for something more academic, it's always been my passion to help people. I want to be on the front lines. My problem is that I'm very small at only five

foot four and 100 pounds. Won't it be difficult for me to do my job? I work with horses and sometimes face difficulties due to my size, but do have techniques and tools to aid me in most situations to achieve the same outcome that a larger, taller, stronger person would get. Would working as an officer require similar techniques or tools? Or would I really be struggling with this shortcoming? No pun intended, I'm assuming. If it helps, I live in Western Canada. And then, of course, there's like nine comments of Yahoo Answers users of people like, yeah, just shoot them with your gun. And then she updates to say, I don't believe drawing your gun to intimidate people is something law enforcement encourages on a daily basis.

Well, I feel like she's answered her own question. She likes to ride horses. She's going to be a mountain. You're on them like a huge intimidating animal. Yeah, you're absolutely right. When you're on a horse, that horse's height gets naturally added to your height. A person on a what I'm saying to you is the person on a horse, the tallest thing in the world, because they are elevated not just by hooves and stems, but they're elevated by spirit and a bond that most of us could never. That's six inches right there. Six inches of bond right there. Easy. Can you imagine yelling on a horse? Yeah, that's how Galactus got his start. Did you know that? Where's earth? It's in Yalming's mouth. But he was on the earth. Yeah, I know.

Now where is he? We don't know. He's all around you. Keep looking up. I have never had an encounter with a police officer that I would consider great. In no circumstance did I feel like I had a better shot at coming out of the encounter with more of my dignity in hand, based on the size of the person who was fucking writing me a ticket for just living my goddamn life. In the many, many times that I've been penalized just for living my goddamn day to day, I've never looked at the officer who was penalizing me and gone, well, I'm a couple inches taller than you. I would say I very rarely size up a police officer I'm interacting with. I don't think, could I take this person? I tend to just sort of hand over my

wallet. Hey, just take as much as you want out of there, man. You got me. You got me. Oh, I was drinking a diet Mountain Dew at a bus stop. Didn't know that was, yeah, go ahead. Just what do you think, like 150? 200 sure. I mean, I don't have 200 in the wallet. I can hit the ATM if you, oh, you're just going to come with me to the ATM. Okay, oh, I'm being robbed at the ATM. Can you stop? Oh, you didn't stop him. Still want that 200, though. That's okay. Somebody has got to be around to catch the short criminals. If you're too tall, maybe you're at a disadvantage there. Maybe that's when you get the smaller officer on the scene. I would almost argue that the problem is that this person is not small enough

because I think you got to crust backwards to be the tiny detective. If you're the tiny detective, like we need, we got, you know, someone under five fives been murdered, call the tiny detective. We've tracked the serial killer, but he's hiding under a porch. Get the tiny detective. Get the tiny detective. I can't been far enough to see these footprints. Damn my height. Someone with lower eyes. I think you're going to be in real danger of encroaching on the rescue rangers here, though. Yeah, that seems like their beat. I would argue that a crime has officially gone slipping through the cracks if it's similar that the tiny detective is needed to access. Yeah, that's something. Why, where's that TLC show, you know, they make a show about the

littlest chocolatiers, which is, I'm sorry, fucking stereotyping and racism, but they won't make a show about a little person that's defying defying societal conventions and busting some fucking parts. It's also, where's the proof? You know, that's what I've always wondered. What do you mean? I'm saying this show is saying, Hey, check this out. We got the littlest chocolatiers here. Fucking prove it. Yeah, I have to find fucking prove to me that there aren't littler chocolatiers somewhere. I don't think you can. There's a lot of people on this earth. The littlest chocolatiers is about them going around the globe and whacking smaller chocolatiers. Yeah. One day, their stride, the littlest chocolatiers is not a title as much as a goal.

Yeah. And then when it started out, it was the, we're the 19th littlest chocolatiers. And now they're down to like the fourth, the other three are in hiding. This also would be a very upsetting premise for 19 kids and counting. Sure, sure. Boy, counting accounting, but in which direction? Oh, no. This week on the series finale of one kid and counting, a race through the woods, a desperate hunt, only one will emerge victorious. And by this point, the kid is basically Katniss from the Hunger Games. The kid is hiding in treetops, taking out deer with a bow for sustenance. We ran out of kids. K plus eight. Can we get like three of them? Please sweeps is coming up. My wife is expecting our firstborn in July,

and I'm trying to keep my cursing to a minimum. I recently used Cowabunga in place of an expletive. And let's just say I suffered some serious mockery from my wife for using that word and you earned it. Can we please suggest some place words I could use instead of typical expletives? That's from Cussin in Canada. How about, how about these? Fuck, shit, ass, dick. Like if you, if your kid hears you say this shit and goes to school and it's like stubs his toe and second grade is like, oh, Cowabunga, he is going to be killed. He's going to, he's going to learn a lot of curse words very fast. Let me bounce this off you two. In second grade, I swore like a fucking sailor and so did everybody I know. And maybe that explains like

why I am the way I am today. But like it was a nonstop, just like jet stream of filth coming out of my, out of my mouth. Listen, here's, here's some advice. We teach kids about words and language all the time where we say like, oh no, that's not a dog. It's a cat. And this is what a cat is. And kids have this, there's this psychologist named Piaget who had this box theory that as kids develop, they form boxes into which ideas are put. And so when you like show a kid a dog and say that's a dog, it goes, okay, four legs for dog, right? And then you have to break down that like, no, sometimes it's a cat or whatever. You stupid fucking kid. That's obviously a dog. So why don't we teach our kids the same thing with language like, hey, fuck is an awesome word, but it's used

to apply in this situation, not this situation. Use it here. Don't use it here. Don't be an asshole. I think you just tell them like, if you use it at a teacher, you get in trouble. But when you're on the playground, if you say cowbunga, you're going to get jumped out of the playground. So yeah, so teach your kids like what words to say when and when not to say them and let your kid just be like a goddamn human being living in the world. And don't try to shelter your kid because otherwise they're going to learn the words because look, they're going to, it's in TV, it's in movies, every other kid on the playground. They're going to watch Game of Thrones. They're going to know what fisting is before they're six.

So if you don't teach your kids some kind of context to put these words into, then you're just handing them a loaded gun and letting them go. You know what I mean? Teach the words to the kids. Tell them what they mean and when to use them and when not to use them. Treat kids like tiny adults. That's what I do. I've been thinking about this a lot lately with a kid on the way. And I mean, I don't think anything's wrong with profanity. Profanity doesn't offend me. I think we spend too much time worrying about it. But I do know that in certain contexts, it's not appreciated, right? Like I direct children's theater sometimes and I have a hard time, I don't censor myself

basically any other part of my life. So I have a hard time sort of shutting that off. If I can't make that distinction ably, why would I expect a five-year-old to be able to do that? Oh, because your kid's going to be way better than you. Yeah. Well, that's the hope. I mean, I guess that's sort of the dream and fear of every new parent. Because they'll be half Sydney. So I have to say that at least she's sitting better. Sydney curses as much as I do though. She's not limiting herself. I just think you should swear because like, is there anything better than when like a little kid swears? We used to try to get Riley, Justin's little sister in law to swear when she was a

little tyke because it was the fucking funniest thing ever. And it got to a point where we taught her all of them and then we would make her say some more off the beaten path stuff. Some let's just say deep cuts based on troubling ideas that aren't maybe didn't fall into the carlinian, you know, sort of structure of what swear words traditionally are, but they were if her by an adult that was in charge of her well-being would be a frustrating, I think. I did enjoy that kill white. There was a good kick that we got her on for like a bit for like a minute because she doesn't know what the fuck she's saying. You only have a few years where you can pull that game off and it's the best game. Are you able to? I don't know the law and the rules. Are you able

to make your kid bulletproof to getting in trouble for cursing? If you yourself do not believe it is a problem. I mean that's the big hammer, right? It's like we'll bring your parents in. Yeah, I mean that's always the worry. I don't care. I'm gonna call your dad and you're like, yeah, no, I taught him that. Come on, get my pops on the fucking phone. Let's see how this shakes out for you. Who the fuck is this? You trying to send to my fucking kid? How about you let me take care of my own shit at home and you give to yourself, teach? How about you do job number one and don't let my kid die, teach, and then I'll handle the edumication when they get home. How does that squeal you? So where did you land vis-a-vis cursing? I don't have an answer. I mean I guess

I'll try to limit it until they're old enough to know when not to. I guess it would be the question. There's a lot of things I won't expose them to when they're too young to sort of handle it, right? Like cosmos. I don't need my kid like thinking about how infinitesimal they are in the grand scheme of things like when they're five. Nobody needs anything that heavy in their life. And don't let her start drinking until she's like 12 and can really handle it. Yeah, I'll trap. So are there any words that this person can use? I was sitting here trying to think of something that wouldn't get you mocked but could still help you express your frustration at something. And all I could think of is like old-timey like 1930s, 1940s phrases. I like ding

dang. Just like shut the ding dang door. What about gall darn it? No, that's too prospecting. Yeah, a little prospecting. What about, I like shocks. It's simple but effective. Crumbs is good. Yeah. Crumbs is good if you're in a feet British socialite in the Victorian era. How crumbs? I don't know. I get into like sort of grooves with profanity or non-profanity I guess. Been saying hachimachi a lot because I've been watching The Critic on DVD. You can use that if you want. I catch myself saying fudge a lot like not ironically but just like fudge and it. I do a lot of how you doing like from friends the television show. Then when Ross would say it all the time. I think I'll ban hate speech. I don't think hate slurs I will probably take a hard line against.

Yeah. But see that's okay. This is what I love is because that is for like a really good reason. That is rude on all levels. It's bad taste. It's bad. I think expletives are just bad because someone said they were. Yeah. Right? I've seen a lot of parents trying to make shut up an expletive. Come on. Stupid. For that one too. Stop it. Stop it. I remember when I turn 16 and I could use dam around the house as much as I wanted to. It wasn't even a big deal anymore. You got to on your 16th name day. You were allowed to fucking pick one word that you were allowed to pick. And if that was the case why did you go with damn. Damn is the one I you I don't think I've said damn. I'll say goddamn because if you're going to go to town you might as well go into Lincoln.

But I don't think I've said like stub my toe. Damn. I say that in my life. I say damn you a lot. When I like when I am usually doing carpentry or more often than not fuck you but when you're larping when I'm doing carpentry. I've been playing Dark Souls too. So I've been really reinvesting. It's the it's the equivalent of going to like a a rededication ceremony in your marriage except with profanity. I'm rediscovering profanity reawaking in our relationship bonding again. I just can't think of a situation where I'd want to say damn or I wouldn't say like shit if it's my fault or fuck if it's the thing if I think it's the thing that that I'm mad at it that it screwed up then I'll yell fuck at it but I don't I don't damn

that's the only way I can say it damn I can't it sounds weird like damn. Griffin goes full lift gal whenever he he tries to say damn it's a mystery oh boy you want a yahoo please this will be an interesting one it was actually sent in by by Justin Minsker my dear friend based on a conversation we were having the other night and then it uh spawned into a hunt for yahoo's um it's by yahoo answers user jackaxe who asks large silverback gorilla versus large male lion the gorilla is said to be as strong as 10 to 12 world strongmen or higher what it have 10 to 12 world strongmen uh it have massive scary arms that can rip limbs with a bite of a thousand plus the useful hands and thumbs for grabbing the gorilla is around 500 pounds but

obese gorilla have been around 600 pounds with deadly canines as the lion versus the lions is a natural predator their strategy is aim for throat lock and kill the claws can leave terrible scars which I'm sure the gorilla is very concerned about oh damn my modeling career is over damn with uh with deadly canines large males can weigh up to 550 pounds um so that was it and we I mean we did debate this for I mean it was it it was one of those arguments like uh kaker pie that's just like once you get that going that's the night that's like your whole night at that point there was another one a very popular perennial favorite among uh among my group of friends about um if you were sitting in a group of your friends and you had to poop right there right there in

that instant would you rather do it in a diaper that you were wearing and have to be in that or do it in a bucket and then you're clean but you just did that a little bit off topic I'm introducing a lot of complicated very challenging if a lion has to poop in a bucket and the gorilla is wearing a diaper you're mixing it up the gorilla I guess we can just we'll focus on gorilla versus lion but you guys sort of percolate on that other subject and we can talk about it off the air before we get started discussing this I have to take slight umbridge I don't know that all of this question askers facts are correct what's your ish I have seen these strongman competitions and these dooders can lift let's just say low estimate because I can't think of a real number like I've seen them

lift but like 250 pounds so if the gorilla that's not much at all like that's not okay okay so what like easily squat 250 it's 300 pounds 800 pounds is is the peak it's sort of the peak of human okay great so the record is a thousand I was looking this up because I was researching uh superhero power levels uh strength ranges and and what have you you're building your hero clicks team because they're classified uh huh sure but in anyway but so if the strongman can lift 800 pounds and the gorilla can lift 10 to 12 times that mm-hmm Travis how many times have you read in the news like a chimpanzee just ripped a fucking woman's face off like it was picking a rag up but but the face isn't heavy Griffin that's saying that this gorilla could pick up eight four tons

what about the scene where in Dunstan checks in uh where Dunstan just fucking cold clocks Jason Alexander and then care it drags him effortlessly up to the roof of the hotel and then throws him super far off the hotel to his death and that's a chimpanzee Dunstan wasn't even a he was an orangutan you stupid bitch he was a he was a orangutan chimpanzee gorilla it's all different sizes of the same goddamn animal I'm saying gorillas are way bigger than orangutans or chimpanzees or spider monkeys which are also in their own way very very strong very adept at lifting and crushing and throwing so a gorilla is lifting throwing and crushing power it's gonna be off the charts let me posit a different question which animal would win in a battle of wits uh the one

that can fucking learn and speak flawless English and have a pet kitten I think basically but then the lion could just take the kitten hostage and hold that against the gorilla Amy Amy smart green drop drink I'm went gorilla all the way maybe this doesn't even need to be discussed because it seems like the logical answer like a lion can jump up there and scratch and leave terrible scars and it can bite it'll go for the throat gorilla has fucking hands it has human hands it can just grab the lion and just like tear it in half done the problem is that I see is like lions are a pack hunter you know what I mean they run so you want to get fucking team lion five other lines I'm just saying like if it's if it's multiple lions you give it to the lion but

that's why lions are able to take down like gigantic animals because they aren't they don't do it by themselves uh how about we get the money's in we didn't really answer the question well it's pretty obvious to me that I think it's a gorilla because they're smarter and they can sign for help for for a lion just as I like an underdog they can they climb up a tree they use their jungle wi-fi they get on amazon they buy goddamn lion poison they're not gilligan they're not they're not inventing shit they're just like smarter and I think they could come up with this strategy I feel like the lion would maybe walk go to where the fight was going to be and step in the wrong place and there would be like a primitive trap like a net that definitely and then the

gorillas would just come out and take off its monocle and say you fold them into my trap dear lion you fought gorilla grold what a terrible decision and then it would drink a large gulp of its homemade wine from the the hollowed out skull of jason alexander here's an unpopular opinion I think the soundtrack to tarzan is better than the soundtrack to lion king case closed why is that even germane you gotta think about brand recognition in this battle too can we please now go to the money so absolutely listeners we love you we have to tell you you are so just you're such an ingrateful twerp you know

that you know that when is the last time you did something nice for any moms for any well for anyone yeah travis for starters but how about the person that pushed you either through their your their vagina or their their tummy or they adopted you which is still a significant amount of work I bet a lot of paperwork and logistics uh you gotta do something nice form this mother's day so how about you make it rain 100 beautiful blooms in a bouquet and a free glass vase from pro flowers dot com for just 19 dollars and 99 cents 100 blooms that's 100 blooms make it rain from the sky blooms on your sweet I don't think she'll be able to process how many blooms that is no she'll start you make her sit down and count every single one of them you count every bloom

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now go do it don't wait go do it um yep that's it for that commercial that was a good commercial Griffin but now I'm fat from the commercial the commercial was I ate the whole box of chocolates and uh and now I'm fat so help me someone help me one of you two has to have some idea for healthy snacking that comes in a box from nature um well I mean you've given me so many clues mother's day is just around the corner and mother nature uh has made you some snacks uh and you can get them in a box from nature box don't eat crap from the vending machine put down the Funions Tubbo it's time to uh get right with your health and nature box is gonna help you do that it's like a subscription service and you pick new snacks every uh every month and they send you just like a

gigantic box of super healthy snacks it doesn't have artificial stuff it doesn't have high fructose corn or fats that transitive fats or anything it doesn't have anything bad for you it's basically trans transitive trans fats I misread it it doesn't have any transitive fats so if if a fat a equals fat b then right sure yeah yeah no that's a great math goof that you did based on all of the math knowledge you still possess if a equals b and b goes c then a goes c this is transitive property look it up wow you really pulled it out there uh and here's the great thing about nature box not always is delicious they got great stuff like south pacific plantain chips everything bagel sticks bbq kettle kernels you know pro flowers has sent me flowers three times and I've only got one for

nature box so I would really like to dip into some of these new flavors if you're listening in b uh and they're gonna send you your first box half off if you use our our hookup for you it's nature box dot com forward slash my brother nature box dot com slash my brother uh it's time to get into the swimsuit it's time to get into the trunks it's time to get into your your louis of atom bikini and nature my ocean my ocean jeggings your jorts my uh my lake jorts get a near lake jorts uh stay full stay strong go to nature box dot com slash my brother and get some half off snacks that you're really really genuinely going to enjoy um listen I have bad news for everybody listening to this show your boss is trying to

fuck you not literally although probably because once you get to that point you're just the creep mode just like turns on regardless yeah but i'll try to your fault in a way for getting so healthy and right with nature box you got super healthy for nature box you smell good because you've been close to pro flowers flowers all day um what you're gonna need to do is you're gonna need to download work log it is an app application uh that you can find on android uh and you can keep track of how long you have worked uh so like if you think your boss is is shaving hours off of your paycheck work log makes it quick and easy to track how many hours you actually have worked you can see how much you've worked in a week or a month or you know whatever the pay period is and uh you can

you can use time saving features like auto break which figures out like how many breaks you've taken in a shift and you can do all that and then when the old paycheck comes around and like you worked 32 hours this week you can be like fucking check again barry and then you will check again please don't use this for evil please don't use this to just stop coming in and then flash your work log at the end of the week and say hey i think i was here my fun your boss i'm sorry i've never seen you before in my life i've never seen you shut your fucking idiot mouth barry and you whip it out well okay wait it's 40 hours so uh anyway that's work log it's on android check it out on the google play store it's free you have nothing to lose go get it this next message is from mike vera

mccann and it's from angie vera mccann angie says mike happy one year anniversary i'm glad that we are wifeys i'm also glad that we both forgot it was our anniversary until our moms sent us cards to remind us you're my number one man with dishpan hands i'm going to blame our favorite brothers for the tardiness of this message nice meet me in the smoochitorium xo xo angie that's nice i i know we said they could do that but it does sting a little bit harder than they blame us and it's not a little bit of the power away from it when you tell mike you are blaming us for it it's just we fucked this up so frequently that when we actually get it right and we get blamed for the fuck up anyway i'll be honest it stings a little bit and also i should mention that if you're gonna blame

us for tardiness it's probably best to not say that you definitely forgot in your message more moriarty nice nice try on the crime of this entry i don't think you're gonna get away with it but we do wish you a very happy anniversary to both of you um and we're so happy that you're still together please you're our favorite celeb couple never split mangy mangy and that is you mean mangy no stop mangy mangy what up though it's your boy jasper red co-host of the goose dam along with kimberlake clark and some of y'all might be asking yourself what the hell is the goose dam it's a comforted food and we want y'all to climb underneath it with us and snuggle up so we can find your ears and things so come check us out at maxima fun.org

also available on itunes jeal i'm a stand-up comic but i'm also a youth pastor oh man i hope you enjoyed i hope you enjoyed our profanity section uh i know there is much to deserve stigma associated with christian comedians i wouldn't even consider myself one i'm a comedian who just so happens to be christian i'm also huge but i've been banned and max fun fans that should show i have an actual sense of humor how do i get people to take me seriously in comedy without completely hiding this other part of my life and that's from embarrassed in the bible belt you know my friend's dad is a stand-up comic and his his whole like thing is that he does clean comedy you know what i mean and he gets so much work doing like stuff at like people at dinners and at like clubs you

know and and family kind of venues that it's not yeah i don't think i don't i don't think stand-up comedy necessarily has to be i mean like jim jim gaffigan for instance like almost all of his stuff is super super fan friend you know like the whole blue collar carry tour not that i'm equating what you or jim gaffigan do to that atrocity but it's not an atrocity i fucking love it i'm not gonna i'm not gonna put on airs yeah here's your sign i let me think oh god uh i i think that if what you're looking for is sort of like work like if you want to work i think that having a clean show and a you know family friendly show you're probably gonna work a lot more if you want acceptance like you want to be liked and well regarded by your fellow comedians i think that like

they're probably looking for something a little edgier i think if you're not pushing the envelope maybe in that scene maybe i don't i don't know that scene very well well hold let me say that i think it's probably a lot like music is you could do stuff that you think would be more mainstream and more popular but i mean if that's not your style if that's not the thing you want to do then i don't think it'll be as good as the stuff that fits in with your personality in your kind of mo you know what i mean like don't don't tell jokes just because and don't be edgy just to be edgy you know what i mean i think go out there and make the jokes you want to make into the show you want to do that's true chaff be being true to yourself here i think it's the best thing you can

do because you know if you uh are someone who it does have a sense of humor is very open is not sort of i think that the the stigma you're worried about is somebody being sort of uptight and stuffy if you're very clearly not that then not only are you gonna just like be able to be yourself but you might change some hearts and minds in terms of like what being a christian could mean which could be super super cool maybe i i i i just think you can be anything and also be super funny like i i the talk about like trying to fit in and be like i don't think that there's like a standard of what there definitely is a standard of what like a stand-up comic is but i don't think those are the stand-up comics that like anybody really likes like i i i actually just went to this stand-up comedy

competition uh that's a pretty big deal here in austin uh that that like they get like 15 comics up on stage in a night and they go through like 12 preliminary rounds it's called funniest person in austin um and like of those like 15 or so there were like five or six people that were just like incredibly funny incredibly original you could remember their names at the end you could remember like the the best stuff that they did because they were themselves and they weren't like trying to fit into this uh you know uh identikit of like i'm gonna tell a joke about my wife now like it it's there were definitely everybody else was kind of that though and they were the people who like they may have had some good goofs in there but they weren't none of them like one like none of

them move on to the next round none of them were the people that you really remembered at the end like originality i think is the most important thing you can bring to the table in in the stand-up comedy scene regardless of where you are if you're a christian if your angle is that you're christian who's willing to get raw and rippled i think that is going to be an angle that you can exploit all the way to the bank well because i think it's it's not only originality but also sincerity you know what i mean like i i would never want to watch anybody tell jokes that they didn't think were funny like that that just sounds like the fucking worst thing ever just go out there and do your show dude and you know i i i like the aspect of your question i think it's interesting

that idea of like having to hide the other aspect because i could imagine a situation in which you might be on a bill with like three other comedians who you know are not following the same lifestyle you do but i mean don't you know don't be stuffy about it and doesn't sound like you would be and who cares you know and and other way around is if you are the youth minister and you have you know a congregation if you are worried about them seeing your act then don't do stuff in your act you wouldn't want them to see or you wouldn't more specifically you wouldn't want Jesus to say because he will he'll see he watches he'll see anything he watches all your bits and he does keep copious notes and he will tell you the ones he does not like he will tell you oh he'll he'll

he'll be honest with you oh you bombed you bombed there you did very bad he is the most honest but also like supportive you know that's what i love about Jesus is ill sit there and go hey the goof about the blue dog totally killed but the one thing about the cold hamburger you gotta lose it yeah listen my my patience is eternal and even i was getting bored i mean you did have a few jokes in there about abortion i am gonna need you to just go ahead and cut those out of the bit thank you don't think it's funny love all the little babies love all the babies um let's just say you're not on the right side of history on this one don't don't invite Jesus to come see the show because he'll find out about it guaranteed he always knows he knows when you are sleeping and

he knows when you are awake he knows if you've been bad or good and he's not going to do the two drink minimum not even interested no i'll make my own bring me some water thank you um do you guys want yahoo uh yes i do this yahoo was sent in by drew davin port emerald member level six yahoo shaman thank you drew it's by yahoo answers user blondie who asks i kissed a guy a year ago is his spit still in my mouth deep last year i made out with a guy is his spit still in my mouth update was his spit ever in my mouth update two i had sex with him too but you're more concerned with the spit yeah because spit's super gross i guess it depends on if you've if you spit since then you're saying i don't keep your mouth closed yeah and you would have the same spit from

that night sort of an extended extended version of like i'm never washing the hand that i shut george decays hand with kind of thing exactly sure i kissed the inside of george decays mouth and i got a full mouth full of george decays spit and then i kept my mouth closed and i haven't spoken or swallowed since that day i am drowning please help i'm drowning i'm drowning i'm dry drowning on land onto k if every breath you take has one molecule of caesars last breath as we all know that is true i would assume that molecules of spit probably dissipate wait a minute why do you want to know this what are you asking why yeah oh wait hold on yeah i want to dive into this what situation are you in in which you have to determine this has to be voodoo curse has to be

100% no question voodoo curse not even uh like a like a location spell cloning you can't separate the molecules for cloning it it can't be anything scientific because you can't scientifically assess this however if we are in black magics uh uh you wouldn't need numbers to quantify it you would just need the react the the existence of the spirit why do you immediately jump to black magic you could be you know white magic it could be like a like if it was white magic you would call him and ask him for more spit but what if he's missing you think it's a locate okay so you're saying you're trying to find him you haven't seen him in a year and you're worried if you're gonna harness the power of y'all who answers to do something maybe ask has anybody seen dug have not seen dug

in years need help voodoo priestess welcome i love dug to see a big tits i'm on y'all answers you're done everyone who answers is 13 and doesn't know what tights are that's what they call them because they don't even know how to pronounce that word i watch dug every afternoon i nick a load in they don't they don't cause they're 14 and that's just not on the air anymore my parents let me watch MTV whatever i want if i kiss the guy a year goes his spit still in my mouth i mean your mouth is fibrous it's spongy well let's let's finish that question with a second half of the sentence because blank because all i can think is i kissed a guy a year ago it's his spit still in my mouth because i can hear his thoughts or maybe you just want to know just

like i just thought about kissing Dave at last year's new year's eve party and now i want to know guys they got a little bit of Dave in my mouth maybe do i have a carry Dave your spit i carry it in my spit that's coming to me i was just gonna let you know i'm thinking about if your spit's in my mouth you want to grab dinner sometime maybe get some more spit up in there just the food for thought you could put spit wherever you want in my mouth maybe this mostly my mouth is gonna see Doug again and they need a conversation starter you know funny i was reading on the uh internet i don't remember if you remember when we kissed a year ago but and then had sex i think of them in that order uh but i did find out on the internet using some uh social engineering

tactics that some of your spit is still in my mouth isn't that funny what have you been up to i miss you i miss you i miss you so much i miss you Doug we haven't spoken in a year Doug and we haven't had sex in equally as long Doug or kissed who is this woman with you Doug i know that sex is kind of an afterthought um but whose baby is that Doug that's weird that's weird i didn't come out of me did it i'm bummed out now is our mouth our mouths are just like that that thing about Caesar's last breath has me thinking like there's definitely everyone spit in my mouth at this point in the whole world griffin do you want to be more disturbed like people die and go back to the earth and then that dirt and dust blows around in the air so

there's dead people particles in your mouth whenever you breathe in um you're eating dead people every time you eat anything oh great cool cool and great you can people use Caesar's last breath a lot but you could like um you could use that for any person in any situation like yeah every time you breathe in you're breathing in the air that Hitler inhaled to sing happy birthday to his nephew that one oh and then you say something really offensive and you're like so i was that was hitler's breath that was that was hitler's that was oh that was a little hitler breath molecule that came your breath smells like shit it's not me it's the hitler breath it's from the nephew's birthday you every time you breathe you're breathing in the air that Neil

Armstrong used to tell his wife he wasn't sure he'd be able to go to the moon because he had really bad diary did you know that that's science when Lance Armstrong confessed to Oprah he was cheating that whole time is and now i get that i get fucking dirty cheater breath god damn it you know that big note in my heart will go on by sling beyond oh man we got a lot half my breath is that noted there's so much note there she recorded that in a submarine so that's probably not that that air's been filtered and then and that was the only time i was the only time she'd ever performed the song she exited underwater via airlock and then sank the submarine the torpedo that she fired from her mouth just to say return to her husband prince neighbor to

rule over it like that's forever and ever these men think they can infest our waters i would punish them the only way i know how by singing a beautiful song and seeking their submarine this has been our this has been our most scientific episodes you are learning a lot this week i think from us we hope you've enjoyed it we hope that you'll come back for more we're we're here most mondays and the occasional thursday apparently but we are here for you you can write us if you have a question or you find a good yahoo or we'll just want to say hi uh it's mb mbam at maximum fun dot org what's maximum fun dot org you ask well it's funny you should mention that it's only the best podcast network on this great blue globe there's so many other shows

like the goose down lady the lady oh no ross and carry uh international waters judge john hodge i'm always worried when we do this that they're like if you did all the statistics there is one podcast on max fun that we've never ever mentioned never does even jenny steady steven steven jenny steven jenny in the morning oh man but anyway there's a lot of great shows there there are great forums that you can go be a part of uh there's a family waiting there for you to join them you're the prodigal son and you should go rush into their bosom i want to thank john roger can along winters for the use of our theme song it's a departure which is on the album putting the days to bed you can catch that bad

boy when itunes or on um now that's what i call music 15 or uh suncoast records at your local mall at your local long closed haunted mall and thanks again to nature box um go check it out uh you can order great you know they're really great healthy snacks um and if you use the the code or if you go to naturebox.com slash my brother you'll get 50 off your first order and shipping is free go check it out they have really awesome shit got some good shit i want to remind everybody to go to boatparty.biz uh they are still looking for uh takers on this incredible ocean voyage to jamaica don't you like i've heard of it july 28th you can get on a boat with kyle canane and a bunch of other just the two of you just the two of you on a private skiff with you and kyle canane

uh it's gonna be fantastic and you don't want to miss it so go to boatparty.biz and get your uh boat on that's a new thing you're on a boat remember from a while ago sir from mad tv um yeah great uh great job closing out the show uh you too just a great job in general i think on this episode you you both really did uh did great work you too griffin do you have a last yahu for sure it was sent in by level six yahu shaman true shaman drew davenport thank you drew davenport uh oh dang he leveled up he's level seven now good work uh it's by yahu answers user the account has been suspended uh who asks what nationality is he man i'm just a macaroy i'm travis macaroy i'm griffin macaroy this is gonna be my brother my brother be kiss your dad the square lips

maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported hi my name is rishikesh hereway and i have a podcast called song explainer in each episode a musician takes apart one of their songs and piece by piece tells you the story of how it was made you get an inside look into the creative and technical process and a unique view of a song by hearing just the drums or just the guitars or say just a whirlitzer piano if you're a fan of music if you make music or if you just like to learn how things are made come check it out on maximumfun.org thanks