My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 199: Cool Pee Book

Episode Date: May 5, 2014

This episode features a higher-than-average amount of discussion of today's hit television shows, like Mad Men, Game of Thrones and Family Matters. Did you guys know Family Matters lost its GD mind there, towards the end? Because it did, in a big, big way. Suggested talking points: Hoochie Haymaker, Chili's Magic Carpet, Colton Stile Guy, Somebody Get In Here and Pee on Wolf Blitzer, Dragon Questions, Family Matters Finale, Make Good Choices, Fearless Newsman

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome to my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the modern era. May the fourth be with you, set those facers to stun. Let's talk about the Kentucky Derby. I'm Justin McElroy. Wow. A lot going on in that one. Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. Yeah, I guess this is all of it then.

I think the creation of Star Wars Day was so that the nerds would be so hung over from whatever it is nerds drink, like grog. Klingon ale. Klingon ale that they wouldn't be able to participate in Cinco de Mayo, and they'd leave that for all the regular people. Holy shit. Okay, juice, I know that you were saying you were having trouble finding like the line of the winners, but I found just like lineup of the racers. I don't know what position they came in, but here's a couple just really choice. Let me hit first off, let's hit the big three. Yesterday was Derby Day. It's our Super Bowl. It's our prom. It's our Keatsy Niera. The Kentucky Derby is the highlight of our talk. It was my Briss.

It is basically the highlight of my entire year, and one of these years I do plan to get around to watching it, but sure. Number one, Top of the Pops, California Chrome. Got that Kentucky Gold. California Chrome. That is a command. That's probably the most commanding, like it's the most baller name. I think the most commanding name is Commanding Curve, which was the second place horse, which is of course a place, I think. Is that, no, they placed. He placed. He placed. Here's some other. Uncle Psy was one of them. S-I-G-H. Vickers in Trouble. I really liked Danza. Danza was number three. He showed. Nice. Danza. General Arod. Danzig. They had some fun with it. I mean, they always have fun with the names, but there's a lot of homages this year, and I

appreciate it. Opportunity. Oh boy. I like that one. Intense holiday. I tell you who I'm disappointed to not see on this list. Orb. That would be Orb. I do believe we have Orb joining us via teleconference. Hello, Orb. Are you there? Orb is here in your primitive conference. Orb, I hear that you've retired from the racing scene, and you're just down and dirty, full-time stud. Orb has retired from his physical form. You wait. No, hold on. I was under the impression that you've been put out to stud that you're making loved lots of beautiful lady horses. Orb entered as many lady horses as exist in the world. Having fulfilled all lady horses in the world, he transcended to join the great consciousness in the sky. Are you telling me that never again will a horse be born that does

not contain a strain of Orb? Orb is all. Did you leave our earth-human woman unsullied at least? Half of them. Okay. I can't tell you guys how happy it makes me that yesterday we got no less than 700 tweets from people like, guys, it's happening. There's horses. There's horses in their mainstream. It's just so nice to know that you guys think of us whenever you see any equine activity. There are many worse associations you could have. Yeah. Nobody texts this when Ghostbusters is on. Like, hey guys, Ghostbusters or Cakeboss for that matter. Which I wish you would because I keep missing it. Yeah. When is it on? I don't know. 712 AM on JMC. It's like AMC, but speaking of AMC, I woke up at 6 in the morning

with my wife who had to go to work very early. And what was playing on AMC was Mad Men. Can you think of anything you are less equipped for at 6 o'clock in the morning than watching Mad Men? What audience are they trying to reach with these very early kids pulling up some Captain Crunch to get their Don Drake? Quiet, Mom. I gotta find out what's up in the ad world. You get back in the kitchen. I'm gonna punch you in the vagina like they do on Mad Men the show. I've only seen like four episodes of Mad Men. But I hear, everyone says like, I fell off in like season three because just the way they treated women just got to be too much. So I assume like the three episodes in season one I watched were pretty goddamn brutal in that

respect. So I do assume that at a certain point, fucking John Hamm just like gives ladies just the old Hoochie Haymaker. That is basically what the show has devolved into. He's now in like a lengthy court battle where he's trying to assert that he had an identical twin named Bob Braper that was going around actually punching all the vaginas. It's a class action lawsuit of John Hamm versus a thousand women. And he had to hire the attorneys that defended the the cigarette industry. And it's like, whoa, circular back on itself times a flat circle. Yeah. Do you guys introduce yourselves? I said I'm just. We did. We should just start like doing the show. Well, let's just do the show then. Right? Sure. Cool. It's episode 199. Fuck. What do we do? Oh, should we? I mean, we had this idea

for two hundo. It's nothing big. We'll plan something big for three hundo or four hundo. Maybe even five. What was we at five hundo? Yeah, five. We'll plan on something big. We'll do something big for five hundo. But I think we did this before. If we ever gave you advice and you did shit with it, first of all, shame on you. Shame on you. Listen to this claimer at the beginning. You're not supposed to do that. But if you did, I don't know, it might be fun to hear from you. So why don't you drop us a line? Let us know how that how that worked out for you. Give us a follow up email. But look, episode 200 follow up in the subject lines. We know that it's from you and let us know how it worked out. And please let us know like what your fake ass name was. Anyway, let's

help some new people. 199 episodes. That's disgusting. Fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck all this. And you know what? I'm out. And you people were angry that we were late last week, like seriously. And I saw a lot of tweets are like a macro brothers late again. We made 199 goddamn free as a bird episodes for you. How could you? Also, we love you. Thank you for listening. Thank you so much. Thank you so much for listening. This is a dream. Thank you. We really love you. You're really special. Fuck you though. For real. Fuck you though. Honestly. You gotta neg them. And then you gotta cause them drawn back in. When my husband and I go out to eat, I usually have. We are robots. We get oil. Usually, I have food leftover and I take it home with me. I'll either eat it for dinner

or for lunch the next day. Okay. If there's any left, there's a lot of detail in here that I probably could have presupposed, but let's continue. My husband always finishes his meal and will partake of my leftovers at home if it's food he likes. Did you say ex-husband? This irritates me, but he thinks there is no problem. Bros, how should I handle this issue? That's from sometimes starved in California. It is the only thing. It is the only non Mikasa Tsukasa thing that happens when you get married. They should start fucking penciling this in to the vows of every single. You know that the placeholder vows for people who are too lazy to write their own? Right. That should be in there for the sickness and the poor, the sickness and the

health. If I'm sick or poor, you gotta stick with it. Everything that's mine is yours except for my goddamn leftovers that I brought home from Chili's last night. I have found that I do not, I don't do leftovers really. I don't enjoy leftovers. Really? I very rarely think. Oh man, I order food extra to have leftovers. That's the Travis McRoy special. That's called, that's called doubles and my wife won't let me do it anymore. So I can't do that. I can only have half eaten. I tried to explain to her that if I have an untouched meal in the fridge, that's cool. But if it's like half eaten and I have like my gross yesterday bites where my mouth was yesterday, I can't. Hold up. You're saying if your, if your mouth, if your mouth has already, hold on,

because the implications of this are enormous. You're saying if your mouth, if your mouth has touched a food item before you are no longer interested in putting your mouth on it again, you're a self germophobe. Do you just like order 10 burgers when you go to Chili's every day and you take a bite of each one and my life day to day is basically like a Natasha Bettingfield song. I'm evolving, changing, feeling the rain on my skin growing. That person I was yesterday has nothing to do with the new more enlightened Justin. You find this current day. I don't know what that guy was into. I don't know. Maybe he, you know, maybe he liked more pepper than I do. I have no way of knowing and it looks sloppy. You look at it. It does. It never looks great everywhere.

It never looks the way it used to. If you just put it direct in the fridge because you got doubles though, then it's fine because it looks like a fresh meal that you're just heating up. That's fine. That's fine. Now sometimes what I will do is I'll eat half. Like if it's something that, okay, if it's something that has an exact half, let's say a sandwich. Okay. If a sandwich or perhaps a pizza that has an exact half that doesn't have sloppy bites out of it, then that is fine because that is like, oh, I guess I got, I only wanted half of this yesterday, but I haven't touched this. So it is not a whole. Do you understand what I'm saying? It is a whole, it was at one time a half, but it could pass as a whole. So now I can reheat my left leg. I actually have a similar

thing. I always catch myself because I love leftovers, but like if I go to a place and get a, we've discussed before that fries are so bad the next day, but like doing a burger and fries, I will fill up my box with all the other stuff on the plate that I know I'm not going to eat. And then there will just be like a styrofoam coffin in our fridge for like weeks. I saw a crazy way of reheating fries that apparently is the best. You throw them all in a waffle iron and close it. What the fuck is that going to dry out waffle fry? That is crisp and delicious. That's not really how it waffle iron works. You can't really just throw it fucking tennis ball in there. No, that's a waffle ball. It has to be a very specific type of shit and half piece of pizza. And then

you waffle iron it and it apparently is like wafalita and it's delicious. That's what I want. Wafalita. It's burning pizza with squares on it. It's fucked up. It's fucked up. You broke that pizza. I'm happy with my wifeies and my leftovers because more important to me than eating my leftovers is fridge space, which is always at a premium, especially once we started to eat vegetables, which are like the pushy layabouts of the fridge world. The awkward corner uneven, doesn't lay flat, nothing stacks on top of broccoli. Not really coming out that often, not as often as like the pizza sauce or the mustard. They're just kind of like in there showing off. Look at me. You have celery in your refrigerator.

How exotic. How exotic. What a big healthy boy. Is that a mango I spy? If Huntington's only vegan stops by, he'll be so impressed. Can you get food that your husband doesn't like? It's just you shouldn't have to. This is crazy. If I did this to Rachel, she wouldn't leave me, but she would punch out a number in a card that if it fills up 10 times, then she'll leave me. I get 10. I get 10. Every time I eat one of Rachel's leftovers, I have to keep in mind like, what am I at? Six? Is this worth it? Yeah. It is. It is. I do want the rest of that Jack Daniels Berman Street steak. Yeah, I will take that because we only eat at Applebee's. What the fuck are you talking about? Sometimes you eat at Applebee's.

I haven't eaten at Applebee's. Regardless of what Friday night lights will try and tell you, I have not seen a single Applebee's here in Austin, Texas. I, the reason I do this, we eat each other's leftovers, but it always goes like this. Hey, are you really going to eat this? No, I'm not. Go for it. Because like, we'll both take home stuff so it's not to feel wasteful, even if we didn't enjoy the meal, even if it wasn't our jam. And then the other person eats it. I'm shocked to hear that Justin, you're not in on this game because as people who work from home for an hour out of your day, your lunch hour, you get a brief respite from being inside your house and instead you're whisked away to a private Chili's booth in the courtesy of your own living room where you can watch last

night's Game of Thrones and eat half a quesadilla. Like, that's my goddamn jam. Oh, you mean for one day I don't have to eat a white garlic chicken pizza hot pocket and I can pretend that I'm at Chili's again? Whoosh, hop on my flying carpet. That's also half a quesadilla. Come with me there, private Game of Thrones booth. You get to play restaurant. No, you don't. You get to play Chili's. It's a very different experience. I like to play Logan's Roadhouse because I get to throw peanut shells everywhere. Yeah. And that is really luxurious. I would love to see your floor covered with peanut shells while your cats walk around distastefully. Like, oh, they would not enjoy it. How about a Yahoo? Did we help at all? Nope. No, but I'm ready to handle. I mean,

I think the 10 punch card system's good. Yeah, that seems good. This Yahoo was sent by Kerry H. Bennett. Thank you, Kerry. This fucking Yahoo goddamn shit ass answers account has been suspended, which is good, I guess, because back in the day, like, if you suspended somebody's account, all of their input on Yahoo answers just vanished, which is like haunting, right? Like, think of all of the goddamn information that would just vanish from the earth, all of the advice, all the help. Oh, I'm sure the FBI still has that information saved somewhere. Yeah, prism. It's in prisms. Prism's not going to share that shit, though. Boy, I'm glad we got through that without Snowden popping up. So this suspended user asks...

Excuse me? No. God damn it. Did you need me for a question about intelligence? No, we actually need Justin back. He's now, he's busy. There is no Justin, only Snowden. We're splitting leftovers. Um, this suspended user asks... Okay. All right, here we go. On with the show. This suspended user asks... You guys didn't see that, but I was drinking a glass of water the entire time.

Yeah, that's very impressive. It's hugely impressive. Horse-related baby names? Does anyone know some horse-related male baby names? The only thing I can come up with is Colt. See, I was going to say Winnie, but if it has to be for a boy... Win? Um... Uh... So in and that the guy from Arcade Fire is named Win, I think. That could be sure for Winnie.

Hoofster. Hoofster's not a name. I think they're looking for actual names. Main man. Okay, that's a nickname. You're just saying horse parts. Legs. Shoulders. Haunches. Haunches.

Haunch. I call them haunch. Haunch? That's okay. I think I could put that slide. That's a name. Um, I'm gonna throw some name spaghetti at the wall. Well, to be clear, this is name spaghetti that was crafted artisanally in the Yahoo Answers Bistro. Katie responded and said Derby. That's apparently America's most favorite famous horse. Is that true?

No. I don't think no. I feel like there was a word left out of there. There's the horse race. Horse race, probably. Philippe, which is a variant of Philip, which is apparently Greek for lover of horses. Again, I have to question whether that's true. Uh, Garon, G-O-R-R-A-N is a type of horse? Is that right?

Yeah, but it's also not a type of name. Hippolyte. No, I guess. Come on. Stamping. Horsely. God forbid that child is fat. Sorry, wait.

Horsely? Horsely, which is apparently a horse meadow. It's called a horsely. Marshall, caretaker of horses. That's not. Okay, yeah. Sort of horse adjacent. Yeah.

Nashua, also the name of a famous race horse that won the Kentucky Derby in 1955. Man, back in 1955, they didn't know what the fuck they were doing. What am I going to call this horse? Nashua. This one's name is Charles. Now the colleague. This one's name is Grandfather Sockshore. Oh, weirdo.

Get out of here. Get out of here. This fucking guy with his weird names. Come back with a grown-up name. Here's an awesome horse name. Are you ready for this? Yeah. Style.

No, no, hear me out. It's from Pierce Anthony series and the main character, S-T-I-L-E. It's a fucking awesome name. Yeah, it's not at all. But what would the last name be? Give me a last name that style works with without sounding like a porn star. Shades. Guy.

Style Shades. Hi, I'm Style Guy. And this is my dick. I'm a style dick. You're checking out my dick on the porn internet because that's what I am. I'm a porn internet. How about Stoddard? That means horse guard or horse herder.

Stoddard's pretty good. But yeah, but what's the last name? That's the thing. You got to think of Stoddard Johnson. Nope, that's an internet porn star. How about Horus? That sounds kind of like Horus. Okay.

Then Colter Colton. Great. Bronco. That's not going to work for a child. No, unless he's giant. Colton. I in apostrophe is another outfit. Colton.

Colton. Hi, I'm Colton style guy. This is also my dick. Welcome to the information superhighway of porn. ography. I'm Bronco Honches. I'm Bronco Honches. Welcome to my internet pornography web show.

Uh, Apple Looza. Stop it. Yes, please. Use your bots to download my bot on my new Prodigy based web series. BroncoHonches.GioCities. 2,400 bots. It's my new internet porn series, you know, for men. Pornography on the internet.

Caspian. Downloadable. Jutland. Finally. Finally, we can download them. Welcome to Jutland. Male pornography website on the internet. Boys only.

Boys only. Hang up the phone, Mom. I got a web connection here. Oh, man. Why do people want to name their baby with a horse thing? Why can't it be a baby thing and give him a horse later? I didn't follow that sentence at all, Justin. I didn't either.

Give him a horse later like a real horse? Like, hey. Don't give him a horse name. Like, if you want him to have a spiritual connection to horses, just give him a horse if you're so big into horses. Or just tattoo him early on. Oh, listen. Horses are expensive.

Names are free. That's true. Names are free. Um, how about just naming him horse lover? What about Ed? What about oats? I don't like that. That worked for Holland.

That was a terrible joke. That wasn't the name of the man. I'm glad they used that, though, because I was about to. It was two men, and his name was Daryl. What about Daryl? What about Daryl? Daryl Oats style guy. This is what I would love if the person named their kid

something that had to be explained over four steps. Like, I named him Daryl because I love horses. I don't follow Daryl. Like, Daryl Oats. Like Oats. Like horses eat because I love horses. I'm going to go. I'm sorry to have wasted your time off.

I named my son Shrek. Why did you name your son Shrek? Because Shrek loved Fiona in the movie Shrek and Fiona, Apple, and what do horses love? Apples. So Shrek. Kevin Bacon. You could also just say like Shrek was friends with a donkey

and a donkey's like a horse. No. No, you can't say that. That is not the logic chain I used. Donkeys are horses that attitude problems. Yeah. I recently signed a deal to publish my first novel, but there's a problem.

My book contains a fair share of graphic sexual content. Yes, it does. What is it all day to do? I tell my family when they inevitably ask to sample some of my work. Or should I just not tell them about the book at all? I don't want my family to associate me with golden showers and butt lovin'.

Man, I hope you bring that kind of erotic lingual ability to your novel. Come over here, you giant son. Give me some butt lovin'. Give me some of that funky butt lovin'. Give me some funky butt lovin', and then maybe we'll make water. That was so erotic that my chair broke behind me.

Come on over here and join Team Whoopi. We're about to make, so we're going to get down and dirty and have some sex. Get ready for some sex, Team Whoopi. Grab my jello jigglers. Jello? Jello jigglers. That was from excessively erotic in East Bay.

If your family asks to read it, just say like, Have you ever read Game of Thrones? And if they're like, Oh no, it's way too filthy and way too... They're like, Okay, cool. I didn't get published. I lied. I didn't get published.

I just have money. I have a source of income now from... I'm a jiggalo. A jello jiggalo. I'm a jello jiggalo. Listen. Water sports, though, in your book. I don't really...

That's not like my thing, and like we've learned to become very accepting and stuff. Just because he wrote it, like George R.R. Martin isn't necessarily into like, fisting and incest. But he is. I mean, he is. But I'm saying not necessarily,

like somebody else wrote it. I'm not saying this person's into it. I'm just saying, How does that act? This will be a fun little exercise. How does the act of romantic water sports translate to the written word? I imagine there's a lot of release.

A lot of use of the word release. Like golden teardrops falling from the ceiling. His pee-pee fell to the air. Pee-pee on me, Daniel. Pee-pee right on me. But then it progresses the plot, because then she becomes worried that he's too dehydrated and he won't be able to complete the battle the next day.

She just got stung by a jellyfish. I don't remember the book. You can just... Spoilers. Plan to follow whatever pact of like, ignorance or perhaps avoidance that we are apparently practicing with our Nani, who we've been told on several occasions listened to to our program, but has never felt obligated to bring up some of our more ribbed material in Plight Company.

It's just hope for that really sweet unspoken agreement where you know that they know, they know, but nobody mentions it. That's great. That's exactly it. That's exactly it. They will know that you wrote a pee-pee butt-loving book, but they're not going to say that to you because they can't handle that conversation, nor do they want to seek it out with it.

Or, unless. Unless. They read it and they come back and they're like, that was fucking awesome. That was a great... I loved your pee-pee stuff. Daniel, your pee-pee book was incredible. I couldn't put it down.

This is some hot shit. This is some... Oh man, I was boned out for days. I didn't know that... Listen, we pee on each other all the time now because your book was so good. Your Uncle Ralph tipped my acorn till it was raw. We loved it. Couldn't get enough.

We were reading... Daniel, thank you for freeing me and opening me up to pee-pee. And thank you to Uncle Ralph for opening me up, repeatedly, during the reading of... During our stage readings of your dirty pee-pee book. Great. Great job, Dan. How much money did you make on this book?

Enough? Enough to justify this thing? This thing that you did to us? This thing that you did to the whole world? This just in. CNN breaking news. Everyone's peeing on each other. Good work, Daniel.

I'm Wolf Blitzer. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's him getting peed on. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Wolf, listen, I hate to bring you into the office like this. It's always awkward. You've got to stop. You've got to stop getting blasted by pee.

You've got to waste to the breaks. You have regular breaks. We have a core message here at CNN, and it's about constantly covering missing forms of transportation. Your message of someone get in here and pee on Wolf Blitzer. Also, we have to talk about the way you've changed the title of your program to someone get in here and pee on Wolf Blitzer.

We need you to stop using the hologram machine to generate holograms of dead celebrities that you pee on or pee through. Really? Really. You're all like this. But you can keep the butt-loving segment. That has gotten really high ratings.

That's gotten great ratings. Welcome to the Pissuasion Room. Oh, boy. Crossfire. You don't even have to change any of the titles. Anderson Cooper, three-piste. Anderson Cooper, P-60. There it is.

There it is. I found it eventually. My fiance and I have very similar tastes in television shows and pretty much watch all the same shows together. Only exception is Game of Thrones, which I've been watching since it first aired. He's historically been indifferent towards the show, but recently started watching at a convenience

since it's Sunday night. There are only so many sofas to sit on in our house. Anyway, now when we watch, he asks questions throughout the whole show. Who's that? What are they fighting over? Are there two blonde siblings flirting? Where do the dragons come from?

It's a huge annoyance. I don't want to tell him to shut up and binge watch the first couple of seasons so he can be caught up. He doesn't actually have enough interest to watch the previous episodes, but I can't take all the distractions during each episode now.

Help, salad. Man, I've watched it show since the beginning and I absolutely wish there was a person in the room that I could do that to. Yeah. I just watched episode four or season four and felt I had missed like three episodes. It's like, hold on.

What is that? What is that? Just have him read a synopsis on Wikipedia or something. This is the problem though with those because I try to do that if I can't place a person, if I'm who is this guy, you go to a synopsis on Wikipedia except it's based on their character in the books.

So you read one sentence too far and it's like, and then he transforms into Iron Man and kills everybody. So I'm sorry, spoiler alert meant to mention earlier. And you know, if nothing else, before you start the next episode, make dinner. You guys sit down and have dinner

and as you're eating dinner, just run through like, so here's where we're at now and kind of give him a rundown as you understand it. So then he's caught up with where you are watching the show. Or watch it twice. You could watch it twice, once as sort of like walking him through it

and once to just like for yourself. You know, because Teresa, on far less confusing shows, she and I have done that. Like Doctor Who was one where like, she started with me in the Matt Smith era. So I gave her a rundown of everything that had come before that.

And now she goes back and watches the other episodes. But that way she could still watch it with me when it came on and it was an experience we shared together. You could do it, Rachel and I did, because I read the books and then I was pretty well versed in it

by the time the show came on so I didn't find it super hard to follow. But it is an intimidating show. I mean, there's 800 characters. What you can do is watch that one episode where the smoke monster from Lost comes out of that girl's pussy and then the other person

will not want to watch the show anymore. Then the show is just for you at that point. You scare away. Once the smoke monster from Lost emerges from the womb and like, it's kind of a weird cameo and also a weird thing to come out of that woman,

then they're just gonna, they're done fall off. No more dragon questions. Okay, listen, let's go to the Money Zone. I'm broke. You have to take care of your mom. Mother's Day is coming up and you can say thank you

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Just acknowledge the fact that you're gonna fuck up and your mom's is gonna like have to deal with all of your shit. So this doesn't seem- Because you're the worst. You're the worst. You're not the worst. It's just like how that's just life, you know?

That's life. Everybody's gonna disappoint your mom. Everyone's gonna disappoint their moms. You're gonna write a book about water sports and she is gonna have to go through- She is gonna have to read it because she's supportive and then she's gonna have to look you in the eye

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I went with a different one and still entered the coupon code and still got like money off. Wow. So still got a discount even- Special pro tip. Yeah, so- We did that too for my mother-in-law.

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Get her 100 beautiful blooms. Um, you gotta do it before Friday. It's coming Friday, May 9th and midnight. So pick them up today. Go. Now. Go. Do it.

Well, wait. Fly you fools. Do you guys know what I spent last night doing? I don't know. I'm gonna guess eating hot pockets and watching television. No. Nice try, but we made chimichitos.

So don't even trip on that. I don't think you said that word. Who's chimichitos? No, it's chimichitos. It's a combination burrito chimichanga chimichitos. They're delicious. I'll make you guys. I've made them for you guys before, actually.

One of you has had chimichitos. I think it was Travis. Remember the packets of tortilla with the chicken and salsa in the middle and they were on enchilada sauce? You know. Keep going. Okay.

No, I spent the night watching The Prophet with Sydney, which is this really, really great show on CNBC, I know, about a rich guy. A rich guy who goes into your failing business and then buys half of it and then takes it over and calamity ensues. And it's our favorite thing right now. My man Marcus Lamonas from The Prophet

tweeted at me and Sydney last night for being such a devoted fan. So it was a highlight of my year. And I could only find those episodes. There was one place I could find them. That was on Hulu Plus. That's the only place I could find those episodes. Okay.

HuluPlus.com saved my goddamn life. And they don't just have The Prophet. They got Family Guy, Parks and Rec. Tonight's show is Jimmy Fallon, Community South Park, like every episode of Community South Park. Those are the shows. They give us a list of shows they want us to mention, including original stuff like Deadbeat,

the show about a pot smoking guy who talks to the ghost. Those are all great. There's also every other show. There's like, what do you want to watch? You want to watch Solitary? The arguably the greatest reality TV show ever made. Do you want to watch like a hundred seasons, back seasons of The Survivor and The Amazing Race?

I saw a preview on there for a show called In Game that I desperately want to check out. In Game, the one about the chess master that solves crime? Yes. Yeah, it is my jam. Okay, I'm going to check it out. And also, they've got a movie coming out on Hulu that's starring a friend of mine's son

called Complete Works about this kid who competes in Shakespeare competition. It looks awesome. Go check out the preview. Yeah, so Hulu Plus is fantastic. Everybody loves it. And we can get it to you for free. Normally it's eight bucks a month, which is such a steal.

But we can get you two full free weeks, full access, totally free. Go to Hulu.com slash my brother. That's HuluPlus.com slash my brother. And you can get two free weeks of Hulu Plus. It is a steal and you will love it. I have a special message for Corrin Bauer. And the message is from husband. Husband says, happy birthday, honey.

This will probably reach you mid-May as I waited too long and these guys were booked up on personal messages until then. Dog, you get 350 characters to explain yourself and you just spent half of it explaining our scheduling issues, which is, I mean, it's fine. It's your time. Early May though, thanks. Still knowing these guys, I'm a bim-bam.

They never get around to doing personal messages on time anyway. So who knows when this will reach you? I should have typed more running out of root. Anyway, love y'all. There's nothing. There's literally nothing. It's, I know it's Corrin's birthday and she has husband. And she has a husband whose name is...

I'm not even gonna say a husband. He may just be husband number one or husband number two. And he does not have a gift for concision, but he seems like a sweetheart. He seems like a real sweet, sweet guy. He was mean to us twice. Really mean to us twice and wrong. Mean and wrong, which is a pretty great combination.

You mean wrong guy. But thank you for letting us share this special note. Happy birthday to you, Corrin. Happy birthday, Corrin. You think Corrin or Corrin? Probably Corrin, right? Probably Corrin. It's probably...

Happy birthday. Any other birthday messages here? Oh, I see one through my magic wand. What's that behind the cabinet? Got a special message here for Stephen from Christine. Christine says, happy birthday, Stephen. Sorry, I can't be with you on your birthday. I hope the message from the McElroy Brothers warms your heart.

Thank you for 8.5 wonderful years. Can't wait to make it official. Also, thanks for introducing me to these hilarious brothers. They make the distance between us just a bit more bearable. Have a great day. I'm Casey Casem. Hey, husband, consider yourself own blast. Well, what you don't know about this group

is that Christine and Stephen have been together for 12 years. So that's on us. That one's... Yeah, thanks for 8.5 wonderful years and 3.5 shitty ones. She requested this message the day we started this podcast, basically 200 episodes ago. And we literally did just find it behind the cabinet. Like, oh, fuck.

Oh, no. It's covered in spiders and shit. But happy birthday, Stephen. Happy birthday, Stephen. For real. You think Stephen or... Happy birthday, Corrin. Stephen.

Stefan? Justin, what are you doing? Strapping a chicken in my arm. Heard there's some plague out west. So I just wanted to, you know, kind of get out ahead of it. Justin, if you'd ever listened to our medical history podcast, Sawbones, where we talk about everything from trepanation to bloodletting, you would know that that is a ridiculous idea and it will never work.

Saw... I haven't caught it. Sawbones? Yes, it's every Friday on the Maximum Fund Network and we record it together. A doctor or something? Yes. Here's the best transition ever. Y'all want a yahoo? Hit me.

Yes. Send by Sean Conrath. Sean, it's by yahooanswersuser. Where's my skew? Who asks? Do Steve Urkel and Laura Winslow from Family Matters end up dating each other or getting married? I know there was a Stefan whom Laura ended up almost marrying and who was played by Jaleel White. But I'm talking about the Urkel character.

Who played Stefan on Family Matters? Do you mean Stefan Urkel? Also, does anyone know Family Matters is on DVD? I checked Amazon, but I only saw the first season was out. Rest are locked away in the goddamn ABC vault. Let him out. Let him out. Let those Family Matters out.

For you, the Family Matters 5. So I got this and I was reading some of the responses and I thought, oh, this is yahooanswersuser being crazy. For instance, yahooanswersuser Korean kid said, Laura and Steve Urkel finally decided to get married, but Steve Urkel had to go out to space and then when they came back, everything was back to normal. So Steve and Laura got married and then they had sex. The end.

Uh-huh. That's another picture. Yahoo. That's canon. Rachel says, yes, they started dating at the end of the last season. Steve had proposed to her and she had accepted in the series finale. Steve had to go to NASA for a bit and it just left you at where Laura told Steve she will kiss him only on one condition.

Steve will have to promise to quote, never go into space again. And he says, only when we kiss, Laura Lee, only when we kiss. And that was it. Hey, that's kind of crazy. Kind of a crazy, basically slash fiction that yahooanswers are spinning. Fast forward 60 seconds after some Google searching. That's actually how the motherfucking series, Family Matters Ends. What?

Is Steve Urkel, in episode 214, goes into space. Episode 214, Lost in Space, part one, goes into space because he wins a science contest. And NASA, I'm reading off the website, tvseriesfinale.com, says NASA decides to test its artificial gravity field invention on the shuttle launch. They offer him the chance to become the first student astronaut. I don't know why NASA was shut down, basically. He and Laura agreed to postpone their wedding, so apparently they were engaged. After six months of training, so covered a lot of ground this episode, Steve goes into space.

Things go wrong and it looks like he'll be lost in space forever, but Steve cleverly comes up with a way to save himself. Apparently fucking Eddie goes to the police academy. Harry gets worried that Eddie's gonna get shot and that's exactly what happens. He gets a gut shot while serving as a meter maid, but fortunately he was wearing a bulletproof vest. What? That Carl Winslow gave him.

And then Harriet says, okay, it's cool if you want to be a cop. Steve comes back from space. Laura says, I'll only kiss you if you never go to space again. He says, I will only go to space when we kiss or something like that. And that's how fucking Family Matters Ends. Oh, that makes complete sense. This is like, I thought I watched Family Matters. I thought I watched every goddamn episode of Family Matters like I did for Boy Meets World.

But apparently I fell off at some point and shit went fucking. Roseanne, alt reality crazy. Yeah, apparently there were like, this show got away from me like Richard Kimball on the Fugitive. Like Family Matters is like hiding in abandoned dog houses and shit. Staying away from me so it could conclude this crazy arc that they have developed here with Steve going into space. This is like completely out of my sphere of consciousness. But do you think that this falls in the realm of like the writers and creators really wanting

to end the show and like ABC being like, no, it's too popular. We've got to keep it going. You got to write another season. And they're like, okay, I got one for you. Yeah, okay. How about this space? Not to mention the fact that by the time that Family Matters wrapped, there were only like three goddamn people left on that show because everyone kept fucking bouncing.

Everyone kept on dipping and taking right off and not being on the show anymore. But not Waldo Geraldo Faldo, right? He stayed on. I think he was on, he's a lifer. Jamie Foxworth out. Not interested. The mom just going to go ahead and recast her. No, baby.

Joe Marie Peyton recast the studio and elder never explained ever. The twins bounce. The grandma they pulled from the show without explaining it because they thought she was going to die. They said, this actress is going to die. We can't have that happen again where somebody just disappears and shows up as a different person and we're supposed to pretend like it doesn't fucking matter. So they just pulled the show.

She went to space. They just kept sitting characters. I'm going to space too. Only I won't figure out a clever way to get myself back to earth. Me and Minkus, they're going to travel up the space together. I don't have a kid. We own gravity. Look for me floating through the sky.

I have a hard time in my mind separating the grandmother from family matters and the grandmother from dinosaurs. Which one was which? I know this isn't our traditional thing. But if talking about family matters isn't our traditional thing, I frankly don't know what our traditional thing is. I have a close friend who makes really poor decisions. Given a choice almost without fail, the wrong one is chosen.

Driving while intoxicated. Going home with guys she doesn't like and finds gross. Lying for fun, etc. Watching her go through this makes me feel terrible and gives me a lot of anxiety. Is there anything I can do to improve the situation? I'm a guy this makes a difference. That's from concern in California. Well, the driving while I talk that like, you know,

the other shit is like, she's going to do her let her go on her life adventures. She needs to experience the joys of youth while she still can. The driving while intoxicated, that's, that's, that's just foolish. Bump that. Yeah, I drive. I don't need her out on the road. Yeah. I, you know, it's hard.

It sounds like you got to be friends with her. Like knowing what kind of person she is. She doesn't seem like she's fallen on some hard times recently where she's making some bad decisions. This seems like kind of her, her thing. I'm not sure that there's a lot you can do in that case or like should do because that seems to be the type of person she is. Like, and you decided to, to become friends with her.

I don't, I don't know that, you know, it's right for you to try to like shape the course of her life. You're not like her karate teacher. You don't see something promising in her. You can mold. Like, I mean, realistically, you have three options, right? Option A is you accept that this person is just this person and your friends with them, but you're not their boss and you're not their mentor.

Option two is you stop being friends with them because you don't approve of their lifestyle choices. And option three is you confront them and say, Hey, you're making really shitty life choices. And if you don't shave up, I don't think we can keep being friends. Does anyone ever do that? Has anyone ever, I don't think anyone's ever intervened for me. And like, there was a time there where I ate hot dogs for basically every meal.

I was like the guy, Jimmy from the whitest kids, you know, in that one schedule, he talks about eating seven hot dogs a day. That was basically me. And nobody ever like stood up to me and said, Griffin, I love you, you bring so much joy to my life and you're a treasured neighbor and friend, but you guys stop eating so many goddamn hot dogs, all the goddamn live long day.

No, usually people just do the slow drift where it's like they start hanging out with them a little bit less and they start talking to them. And then suddenly it's two years down the road, you have no idea where that person lives anymore. No, no, I mean, no, I mean, yes, you're right. No, you don't see that person anymore. Yep.

It's a bummer, but like if somebody's, if somebody's fucking up this much, this bad, like you either intervene and you bounce. Yeah, but do you want to intervene? It doesn't look like this person is asking for help. I mean, I don't know that you have an obligation, or like, I don't want to say you could, like nobody has an obligation to do stuff,

but like, I don't know that it's, you know, Pat, I don't know that there's a way, unless someone is asking for your help, for you to help them in a way that isn't going to be judgmental and isn't going to create a rift. I don't think that there's a lot of those opportunities out there. One thing you definitely do is DD for this person as often as you can.

You know what I mean? Stay sober and drive them home, just because that's, that's something you can actively do. You can say, hey, do you want to ride to this party together? And that way, like, you know that she doesn't have a car there and she can't drive drunk and you can DD for it. Aside from that, the other things. That's good and everything, but that's bullshit that like,

you have to fucking babysit this person just because they're, they don't know how to take care of themselves. No, I agree. I'm saying if you're looking for something to actively do, and you're that certain about exist. If you're looking for something to actively do, listen, you're either going to intervene or walk away. So you tell this person, I'm going to walk away

if you don't get your shit together. And then if they don't, then you walk away. And if they do, then, you know, maybe this person has a chance. If you walk away, it may not feel like it, but you may actually still be helping them because you become part of their rock bottom story. I drove away all my friends, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That you don't, especially the anxiety, man.

I don't know, there are times in my life, and I'm currently in one of them where like, every day for me is just a battle against like getting overtaken by anxiety or being plagued by anxiety. And if someone is introducing that into your life, I think that is one of the more cruel, thoughtless ways for a person to live. That to me, if that person knows

that they're making you feel that way and not doing anything to alter that behavior, that's not someone who cares about you and not someone that you need to invest your time and energy into. I'm not making you anxious, am I? Not this exact second. But when I'm trying to decide on what I want at Jimmy John's and you do the Jeopardy music thing,

I hate that and it makes me feel that way. It's so funny though, the Jimmy John's guys like love it. They like laugh every time and they give me a free slice of probalone. Stop skimming probalone. I think he said probalone. It's provolone. It's actually pro-probalone. It's probo-probono-probalone.

It's probronoprobalone. You got it. So I know none of that was funny, especially this weird cheese rant at the end. Yeah. Probono. Here are some things a provolone sounds like. Sorry about your friend.

Sounds like home alone. How about a final yahoo? Well, not a final yahoo. We have those. Those are grandfathered in. This one is sitting by level seven yahoo shaman and emerald member. True Davenport.

Thank you. True. It's by yahoo answers user. Marie Antoinette. Oh god. Who asks OMG. Do spiders hold grudges? Yes.

So I saw a spider on my window. Please tell me if the spider is dangerous or not. He was small and black. But I don't think it was a black widow. And I blew on it and it just froze there. Like he stared at me. So I shook the blinds and he crawled away. What if the spider remembers what I look like

and tries to crawl on me while I sleep? What are the chances of a spider calling on you while sleeping? How to get the spider out of my room? Nothing involving touching it please. Well, no. Every muscle in my body. God bless. Is your arachnophobia like public knowledge?

Travis is more scared of spiders than literally anybody I know. Oh god. The idea of them is so upsetting to me. And in this question, the two things that are most upsetting about it is A, a spider crawling on me while I'm asleep and not knowing about it. But B, a spider going. I'm going to get that big fucker.

Yeah, blow on me. Did you see that bearded guy? He blew on me, fucking looked at me like I was trash. I'm looking at that. I'm trash. I'm looking at that beard. He's trash. Looking at that beard now like he might make a good nest.

I'm going to live. Oh god. I knew that. I'm not afraid of spiders. But the sound my wife makes when she encounters a spider terrifies me more than anything on earth. That woman shouts like she has just seen the jigsaw puppet emerge from her closet. And I every, especially if I'm not in the room, but if I am in the room,

like I will burst through a door because I assume that I'm going to have to put my two Aquino classes to use because I assume that she is about to be killed by the jigsaw puppet. That is the sound. Will you say burst through a door? Do you mean into the room or out of the room or out of the room? Depending on the scenario. Justin, unless your bravery game has gotten much better from when we were kids and a bat would get in the house and then you would like fucking craft.

I made nothing about rodents or flying rodents. That is like the opposite end of the spectrum. If that happens, I move. Bugs are not like, we have stink bugs right now because they're, they're apparently just loving it at our house. And they, that doesn't bother me at all. I, I nothing bugs. Bugs, bugs.

Nope. Bugs do not bother me. Spiders. It's the way they move their weird eight legs, the way that they kind of raise up and sink down and like do all their shit and then they can drop down from the ceiling and just seem to like hang in the air on their weird spider silk poop. It's the worst, the fucking worst. I don't want to get emails from people saying like, oh, I've got tarantulas and spiders are

great pets. No, they're not. They work for spiders and all the bugs in the world. They can hover like David Blaine. And you know what? I don't have a problem with spiders outside. That's their space. I get it.

Man, when I'm out there, I'm somewhere I don't belong. But when they're in my house, isn't that weird how that works? If I, if I see a squirrel as I go about my day to day, nothing. If there was a squirrel in my house, I would like that pile of oily rags. I keep in the basement and burn that motherfucker down. No question. It's in a glass box. It says a case of squirrels.

It's a case of squirrels. I have special insurance that covers me in case of self arson. I got special self arson insurance just so I would have that option available to me. Mr. McWay, we think we found the source of the fire. It was a giant pile of rags that had been dumped in gasoline. We found the charred squirrel body. We found the charred, charred, charred. You got him.

You got him. But here's the other twist. It's still alive. Pet cemetery three coming theaters. June 2016. That's why I don't have families. I don't think I have families coming for you. I don't think I can wait that long.

You're going to have to. It's still in pre-prout. Stevie King's still writing the story. I don't think I'm afraid of anything anymore. Only death. Not even that. I got over that. Like whatever.

I read an interview with Tim Ear in the 90 quarterly. Tim Ear is a local newsman here in Huntington. They said, Tim, what scares you the most? And he said, I'm not afraid of anything. And now every time I see that motherfucker on the news, I just think, look at that little tough guy. Look at that fucking Tim Ear. Fearless.

Fearless. He's the man without fear. He's fucking Daredevil. Yeah, he's Daredevil. Go in to get the scoop. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Halo bullets? Tim Ear doesn't care.

Whatever. I'm not afraid of anything. How do you stop someone like that? You can't. Can't stop Tim Ear. I'll say it. Can't stop Bullenstop. I'll say this.

There was one day where he took off the news station sick, which I knew because I was friends with a lot of people who worked at the news station. He took off sick. And then I was at Marshall University going to a class and I saw that motherfucker jogging. And I saw his face and he looked at my face and we recognized each other. And I gave him a look like, you're faking sick. Huh? Fair as a fucking Bueller.

And he thought he would be afraid, but twist was not. And he looked at he called the news station to say he'd seen you breaking story. I'm not sick. I'm jogging. Fucking get over it. Don't like Griffin pulled this over my goddamn head. He took your leverage. And he took my wow.

You have dick. You have nothing. He's got a podium. He reaches 10 to 15,000 people every week, every night. He filmed me jerking at once. He put it on the news. Now who's afraid? Now who's the fear master?

He said, as he shared the video of the B-roll, I mean. And the bit was pre-recorded. So then you're living your window open and he jumped through it. He murdered me. And he did not show any fear the whole time. He was not afraid. He was not afraid. He wasn't afraid.

Cold black eyes, like a doll's eyes. Nothing. Nothing there. He's like a shark. And that's the ballot of Timmy. He's a very intrepid reporter, but there's just nothing there. There's nothing there behind those eyes. Certainly not fear.

Certainly not fear. You can't stop Timmy here, but you can stop our program. Unfortunately, we've come by. Turning it off when we start talking about Huntington local celebrities. You've come to the end of our show. Again, we hope you've had half as much fun listening to it as we have had recording it for you. I wanted to say thank you to the people out there who are tweeting about my brother and my brother and me using the MBMBAM hashtag.

People like Brad Merck, Good Idea Jarls, Sam Schneck, Lucas Polanski, Cheetor, Splinter, Ethan Chihl, Aaron Todd Allison, Tim Haydock, Nibers, Madeleine Osgood, Don Bell, Bravo, Alpha, Alex Lockwood, Tiffany N, Mark Rodriguez, Geeky Lindsey, Gregory Glass, and so many others. And reminder, go check out all that awesome shit that we talked about on Hulu Plus earlier. And you can get that extended free trial that's two weeks free. If you go to huluplus.com slash my brother, trust me, it's totally worth it. I want to thank John Roderick in the long winters for these for our theme song It's a Departure, which is on the album Putting the Days to Bed.

I just bought a bunch of like, I went garage sailing, I bought a bunch of record player shit. I have records, but no record player. So I'm looking forward to to putting, putting Putting the Days to Bed on the old spindle, given given her play the way it's supposed to be heard in analog audio. You have to hear all the crisp boops and beeps. I make sure if you think about it, if we if we've answered one of your questions and helped you out or you've unfortunately followed our advice in any way, email us and let us know and make sure to put in the subject line, a follow up or 200th episode, something to delineate that it is for the 200th episode.

I'm more wanting to hear about the shit that didn't work. Yeah. Yeah. That's the fun shit. That's what people come for. Griffin, last question. I'm ready. Oh, oh, actually very fast. Remember, boatparty.biz, the Land, Ocean, Comedy and Music Festival. They've got some new music group announcements coming tomorrow, I guess. So keep an eye out for that. But you want to go ahead and get your tickets now. You're going to Jamaica in July and it's going to be amazing. You can get all the details with a complete list of people

who are going to be there, including our dear friend John Roderick at boatparty.biz. Griffin. Also go listen to the other Max Fun shows. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Lady the Lady, Goose Down, Song Exploder, International Waters. They're all great and they're waiting there for you. Cool. Final one. This Yahoo was sent in by, ooh, which one do I want? Also, Saw Bones. Also, Saw Bones is pretty cool. Saw Bones t-shirts are up on the Max Fun store. You can go get those, by the way, if you want them. Oh, and God, keep remembering things. With our live show coming up, we're going to have a bunch

of new merch there. So you should be really excited because if you're coming to see the show, you're going to get the first chance at all this new shit and it's really awesome. Justin Russo did the art for it. He's done tons of art for us, but it's really amazing. Yeah. A lot of those will be up on maxfunstore.com, so you can go get them there. Also, please send in questions to those live shows. We need 100,000 of them. It's going to be the craziest, best, worst day ever. Just the best day, actually, not worse. Anyway, finally, Yahoo. This one was sent in by Michael R. Thank you, Michael. It's by Yahoo Answers user Jackson, who asks,

Do you have to pay all credit card bills when you die? Ooh, I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. It's been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hey, I'm Jesse Thorn. Hey, I'm Jordan Morris. We're actual friends. And actual professional broadcasters. We host Jordan Jesse Go, a show about, you know, friendship, being a person. Yeah, we run the full spectrum from feelings to some of the most vulgar jokes you can imagine.

And honestly, putting it that way makes it seem like it's half and a half at best, 2575. It's definitely mostly vulgarity, but it's a pleasant, friendly vulgarity from two guys who went to a reasonably prestigious UC college. Why don't you try the show out now? Grab one with one of your favorite comedians, like Rob Cordray or Rob Delaney or whatever. Or somebody awesome that maybe you haven't heard of yet. Yeah, go to Maximumfun.org or your favorite podcasting app, and download an episode of Jordan Jesse Go now.