My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 203: Upper Montana

Episode Date: June 2, 2014

Six nipples, two bodies, one bed. Aw, don't fret none about it, buddy. That's just the algebra of love. Carry the three. Solve for sex. Suggested talking points: Nonnee Kisses, One Mo' Again, Elevator Fetish, Booth Sides, Tuba Lessons, Shitty Slickers, YHTN

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your babyist baby, baby, Griffin McElroy. Back in the saddle, fuck nuts. Sorry, I just wanted to say back in the saddle.

I just got back from a brunch with our Nani. Oh, how's she? She is doing well. She has been in town for the week, and we just got one with a black sheet for brunch, and I was instructed to give you guys these two kisses. Which one did I? This one was for Travis, and the second one was for Griffin. I wanted it. I wanted the brunch. What did you have? I wanted the second one, so I'm happy about how that turned out. That one sounded more your speed. The first one was pretty dry, and if I'm going to get a Nani kiss, I want those wet smackers. Is that a scared laugh or an uncomfortable laugh?

It's a little bit of, it's sort of in the middle there. Justin, your hands are on the issue. What did you have for brunch, inquiring? I just want to know. Listen, I had chicken and waffles. The chicken is in Honey Nut Cheerios. Don't mind if I do. Don't mind if I do. Wait, just like a bowl of cereal? No, it's like ground up and fried in that. How about I do that with you? That sounds warm. What did our sweet Nani get? Sweet Nani got blueberry, french toast, it was so sweet. She asked for more syrup because it wasn't

enough. She got sweet. She got sweet teeth. She got a bunch of sweet teeth in those wet lips. Also, she told me that she's really into Arrow and is looking forward to checking out Flash. We can't. All the CW programming, our Nani is down with it. So if you've got any questions about Arrow or the Flash, check out our Nani's podcast, TV with Nani. She into Heart of Dixie? She all caught up on Heart of Dixie? Yeah, you know she's into Heart of Dixie. I think that's how she got her foothold in the CW network. Listen, as funny as this has all been. Has it? I want to help people. That's what we came here to do. It's been a while

since we've recorded an episode remotely. I want to say another huge thank you to everybody who came out to the live shows at New York and the People's Improv Theater. Thank you. Thank you for all the gifts. Oh yeah. I want to say thank you again to Prohibition Bakery. I've been talking about their alcoholic cupcakes since we got back. I've been preaching the good word. And that nice couple from Florida that like shipped diet cheer wine to New York to give to us? Amazing. So many sweethearts. So many sweethearts. We got some like glorious like gourmet chocolates and I cannot remember who they were from. So if they're from you, send me an email or a tweet and let me know so I can. Sorry guys, y'all sent us too many gifts. And Justin Gray was there.

He gave us some art. Oh yeah, that he made. I'm framing that. Oh and for the people that asked the merch that was available during the live show will be available for sale online as well. But not until after the LA live show. Yeah. We'll be deploying those other two live shows and our upcoming LA live show which sold out in I think 11 minutes. So thank you for that, Los Angeles. We'll be putting all those up eventually as the need arises. We know that live shows aren't everybody's bag so we're trying to like interspersible. I'm sorry that the audio quality wasn't like awesome. We were hard-pressed to find a good solution for that. But that's that's. And we originally had more time to tech the show but because we did a 130 show. Yeah.

We had to rush it 130. Good job everybody. Well and that's going to be the episode so thank you guys very much and we'll talk to you next week. This is the new face of my brother, my brother, me. We can play for four minutes. Wait well what you got to do ads? So we'll edit in ads between the two minutes of complaining. Two minutes up top, two minutes in back. I love nature box. I fucking hate everything else. Let's help people. That's what we came here to do. I recently had to kill some time waiting for a friend to get home and decided to get some Taco Bell. Oh the best way to pass time. I relaxed in my car in the parking lot to listen to some mabimbim. Name of our show. Got it. Eat tacos while I waited for my friend to get home. Once I was done with

of this question. Once I was done with my tacos I was still hungry. Would it be weird for me to go back in and get some more drive-thru tacos knowing that the girl in the window just saw me there like 10 minutes ago? Fucked up. I think you should pull it off. When you roll over to the window you just say again. Hit me again Bartender. I'm going to have to cut you off there. You got three Doritos. I think this is from fretful fourth meal but I think you mean fifth technically speaking. If you have another fourth meal that makes it your fifth meal or 4.5. Your eighth meal possibly. I think it's wonderfully sweet of you to worry about this. If you think that you are like the only person that day that did that then you're a little naive my friend. Hey Sheila.

Yeah I'm scooping back around for a double dip. Oh tell me. Hi sir welcome to talk about what would you like. Oh you know what I'd fucking like. That same shit. One Mogan. Can I get the Barry one Mogan special. Barry we have asked you repeatedly to just order twice as much food but I like it to stay warm. It's cold by the time I get to number six. Let me get the number 18. Do you mean two number nines. One more again. All right. I actually mean six number threes. Actually however you want to break it up it's all pretty. Can I get a train to of your Doritos Locos please. Por favor. Gratsy. A media mint a senior. No more again. How late is your friend that you had time to drive to Taco Bell drive back to your home and

then contemplate driving back to Taco Bell. You know it's the craziest part of this question is I got some time to kill. Go eat some shitty taco. Like typically you do that when you're gut needs sustenance or gym mats which is the more accurate. I need to put ground up gym mats in my tummy. I want to call. So we've had a lot of fun here today. I want to call BS on this question. There has never been a human on planet earth that has finished eating Taco Bell and thought that's a decision I'd make again. If I could play that again I'd play it the exact same way. I think I really played it well. You know what. You know what. I just did a perfect job. I did a perfect job in that Taco Bell drive through. I think at that point you have to go

back and just ask for a sack full of Cine Twists or whatever they're called. Just like I'm back for dessert. You tempted me with your dessert menu. Are Cine Twists just churros that they chopped up. Yes. They're just murdered churros. I wish they'd be more forthcoming about that. I think they have real ass churros now but it's like you know it's the Taco Bell style so they're like in Doritos. It's a bunch of cinnamon twists glued together. I made a composite churro. Enjoy it. We ground up Cine Twists. The batter dipped a chicken tinder then fried it. It's a churro. Here's the second one. That sounds baller. That's on the breakfast menu I think. Just put on a large mustache and a sombrero.

That's racist. It's a disguise. Super racist disguise. Wow somebody went to the Macklemore school of fast food disguises. It was an accident. It was an accident. I went to Taco Bell in a super racist Mexican costume. It was an accident. Okay you got to go through and say I've traveled back in time to find myself from the past. Did you see me come through here earlier? Also can I get a little causature. Can I have exactly all have what he's having past me I mean. The only way I can track myself down is to eat the exact same thing past me and then see the feelings that that leaves what building. Have you guys seen Looper? It's exactly that. I have. You're going to Taco Bell so it's Pooper. I'll eat what he ate and then get on the interstate

driving the same direction he was driving and then I will know where he stopped to have diarrhea. Y'all want a yahoo? Yeah. That helped. Didn't. This yahoo was sent in by Emerald member level 14. Yahoo Shaman. Drew Davenport. Thank you Drew. It's by Yahoo Answers user. Nick who has a zero percent score on yahoo answers. But he scored Nick? What? That's his username? His name is Nick. I just thought that that would go quick. Oh I don't know if they have to be unique because there's somebody here named Michael and a Frank and a Chantel. Anyway Nick asks How come my uncle thinks that my hobby is stupid and weird? I am an elevator enthusiast and I film myself going up and down in an elevator and upload it to

YouTube. I like riding high-rise elevators in office buildings and I get a lot of money in my hobby. My uncle thinks that my hobby is stupid and weird and is a waste of money. He thinks that paying for gas and parking is a waste of money. Most of the time I only have to pay $5 for parking at an garage in downtown of any city I go to. How come my uncle thinks that my hobby is weird and stupid and is a waste of money? Listen. I want to be super clear here. Please. Because if Roman Mars has taught me anything. Yeah. There's some amazing shit when it comes to architecture and I imagine the way that elevators work it's super cool and you could find something like old-timey like you know they had a elevator operator and they're super cool and awesome. The idea of filming

oneself riding an elevator for the enjoyment of others is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I don't give a fuck if it's like a glass bottom elevator that like goes up Tokyo Tower at night. Oh it's so beautiful the cherry but I would not watch that fucking video on YouTube. Also that situation doesn't exist because almost all elevators are little windowless coffins that you locked yourself in for 20 seconds. Hey speaking of did you guys hear about Willis Tower? Oh but the glass oh fuck holy shit. Willis Tower Ne Sears Tower in Chicago. The tallest tower basically in the world. If we give in to calling it Willis Tower then what hope is there for our children? Sears Tower. Sears Tower has these glass overhangs that we're supposed to hold up to five tons

and you go out and you stand on them and then you just look down and then it's nothing but net and by net I mean falling death and you stand out there. Justin Travis and I had giant Tanuki balls and we got out there like what's up just us in free space and we took all kinds of pictures like look how cool we are we'll never die. Somebody took a picture of their last week glass broke in the bottom didn't shatter they didn't fall through but they are crunch later I guess I weigh five tons time to get on CrossFit. Can you imagine being the employees up there when it's like oh no go go no go ahead oh come on that little girl's doing it what are you it puts oh shit like I led to the death of a family of four. Not again. Do you know like how

different my life is now that I have a child on the way versus then at that exact Jesus Christ my wife stuck out behind me and scared the shit out of me. I wasn't talking about you I was talking about something else. It's okay hi all right bye sweetheart. Good radio. What just happened? Sydney literally stuck up behind me and scared. It's okay we'll edit this right out. That's a nice moment. I'm gonna leave that in that is a nice moment. I love it. So I remember I'm very frightful. How much your life has changed. Yes oh thank you that's right. It's crazy how much my life has changed now that I have a child on the way when we did that initially it was right before our first Chicago live show and I or only Chicago live show I guess and I just

jumped out there and took the picture and didn't give it a second thought. No I wasn't scared at all. I was the one who was terrified. Travis was terrified. I mean I don't give a shit. Today if you asked me to do that today well not only would I not take the stupid elevator up to the top I would like who's that guy welding shut all the doors to the weird glass breakable coffins. Oh that's that's old man macro. This is what he does in his day as he tries to keep people from dying 24 hours a day that would be me. No way I do that. But does it does it let's talk about this does it that seems like an irrational fear to me to like go up Willis tower and be like afraid because really all it takes is maybe three stories in your dunzo. Three stories for me my

bones my lactose intolerant calcium deficient bones two stories and I'm I'm gonzo I'm done. Basically Humpty Dumpty. I am Humpty Dumpty with these fucking unbreakable breakable bones. Anyway elevator video monet monetization what's this guy's secret and how can I get some of that elevator video money. You think there's a market demanding this kind of coverage. He says he makes lots of money doing it. Okay he doesn't but I think maybe what it is is for people who are scared about it that they can like get over it check out what the elevator or do you think it's a weird like fetish. Always forever everything's a fetish. Every moment you see in magazine television is fulfilling somebody's weird fetish. You think it's like a big big like cable fed pussy.

Because if you think about like the if you think about it like if you think about like this if you think about how about you think about it. Then there's like it's connected to like the pulley by those wires could be like like a fallopian tubes. Mm-hmm. That's how that you said that dirty word very quietly Griffin. Well I'm what I'm what I'm saying is that women's it goes vagina which connects the fallopian tube that's the wire. That's correct. And then the fallopian tube connects to the zygote and that's where the baby comes out of. That's correct nailed it. And the clitoris is the button for the 13th floor because it does not exist. Oh what maybe I'll try jerking off to this like maybe. Something's gotta work for you. Something. God what's it gonna be gumball

machines. I have entered a phase of my life where I'm dating a lot. Nice. When I take nice. You're doing I take a late when I take a lady out to a nice restaurant. Where do I sit. Do I sit next to her. What the hand holding or do I sit across from her to look her in the eye and have her eat my food. That's from which side in Wichita always across the table. I disagree. Disagree. Disagree. So I thought predictably predictably I thought this would be the result. That's why I included discretion. A disagree. Here's the thing. Ditto if I may. I agree with you if it's like a first second third date. I love sitting on the same side as Teresa and talking about all the other couples in the restaurant.

If you can't if I'm I'm I'm literally I know this is an old man I'm literally at a point now where I don't hear as well. Like if I'm if I'm across the table it I feel like I'm shouting the whole time and I can't hear I like to just snuggle right up in that in that other seat. Why waste a whole booth. We're not children. If we sit across from each other Teresa can see me eating. Which is not. It's not a good look. No not for continued marital bliss. The other thing I like about sitting on the same side is that I can demand fruitlessly that the waitress see another couple in the joining side of the booth. Can you mix it up. Can you mix it up just another mixed doubles. We need you Kerr partners. Can you please. We're we're trying to make new friends

at Max and Irma's. I was just sitting could you sit down Max and Irma. I've been sitting here like literally slack jawed with shock. I can't believe I didn't think anybody did that. I didn't think anybody did that. I contact this so much more. I'll just say it erotic the hand holding. So you look into the windows of her soul and you have that going for you. It's easier like sound. You don't have to turn your neck to the left or right to talk to them. Both of you have instant bathroom access. That's not a joke. I know it's not. I'm surprised that you Justin. I'm surprised that you most of all Tim man that you're not keeping your exits wide vis-a-vis bathroom. Do you think I'm ever on

the inside. Let me disabuse you. Well now you've got your wife is pregnant. She probably goes to the bathroom more than you which is a fact that I never thought would be true. I am happy to let her out. She can get out if she wants. You're so kind. That's this is. I can't. You don't make your pregnant wife crawl on the table. No. Not unless I drop a breadstick. I can't. Then I do ask if she can hop down there right quick. A little help. A little help. Yeah. Sorry Griffin. This is like I don't I don't like sitting across. I feel like there's too much room especially with like some of these big tables. It's like really big and there's a crazy mad distance and I don't like to be that far from my wife. Like I was like it's because we can chat. Rachel and I only eat at

intimate bistros because that's all that exists here in Austin. It's all intimate bistros. That could be okay. So that could actually be you may be kidding on the square here and have hit upon something. All of the restaurants in Huntington have to be built to accommodate whatever the table equivalent of an airplane seat belt extender is. Yeah. Every table has to be fit to fit for that sort of human human frame. Yeah. That sort of frame. And I think that that might be the problem is like it's just so far. It's such a distance. Yeah. Plus they have to have all the room for all of the food. Another thing like you brought up snuggling and that's just crazy to me because like Rachel nor I like to be touched when our mouth is is full of quinoa. You know what I mean?

Like when I'm when I'm when I'm no I completely agree when I'm just awful awful a quinoa. Well no I'm not talking about because my my giant chompers might accidentally remove one of their digits. Okay. Just me. That's cool because I'm not a fucking Wolverine. Okay. That's fine. Um no I mean like it's not this is not touching time. Sometimes I listen I love my wife. I'm sure that you guys too do love your wives. Sometimes there are non touching times. Sometimes there are times where you're not. But what about when you want to sensually feed each other. That's a great question. What about when you do want to sensually feed each other. Then do it across the table from each other. But then you risk like dropping the food on the table.

Some people are okay with that. That's not sensual. That's not erotic. That's a sloppy boy. Some people are okay with maybe once a month letting a piece of food not get eaten. Now here's the thing Griffin I I hate to disagree with you but anyone who's ever eaten with me knows that I leave quite the wake of debris around me when I am done. Travis I hate to disagree with you but you don't hate to disagree with anybody. That is correct. I love to disagree with you but but and I would say and here it comes. So as I was saying I think that when when you first are dating you should always sit across the table because that's eye to eye contact conversation. It's all keyed in the getting to know you process. I think once you reach a certain

comfort level with each other I actually usually kind of go the way of the seating if the if the you know host pulls out the two chairs beside each other. I trust his judgment. I go with it. I am you trust his take on your relationship. Yeah I feel like this looks like a side-by-side catty corner kind of thing. I'm like okay nailed it. But in a booth in a booth in a four-seater booth you guys will fucking just use one bench. Oh god no oh god no oh god no no no no no I'm talking like a four top you know. Okay I was thinking about a booth and yeah I was thinking like my brothers are lunatics. No no same side at the same side of the booth. Oh see I think you are wrong there because that looks like you're waiting for another person

or talking to a ghost. Or that you're just lunatic. I would give that table a wide berth as I walked by to the bathroom for the third time. Absolutely I'm sorry I don't care how it looks. I love love and I love being with my wife and I'm not gonna change anybody. If you sit on the same side of the booth with your wife you guys have to practice and coordinate that every time the server walks up you guys turn your head and you just sit and look at that. At the same time yes we need nothing else to part. We require more Sprite. Also we cosplay the Kodets everywhere we go. That's the other thing about it. I was thinking that you like a meet Dave scenario where you guys have little people powering your human-shaped

starships. You know you know like the classic meet Dave and everyone will understand the reference your Eddie Murphy starships are powered by Sprite like in the movie meet Dave. Sponsored by Sprite. Did you see me Dave sponsored by Sprite? Did you see Pluto Nash also sponsored by Sprite? Do you know what would have been a better movie than Deep in the pocket of Big Sprite? Do you know what would have been a better movie than meet M-E-E-T Dave? What? Meet M-E-A-T Dave. Yeah but what's the plot? Give me a synopsis. He's made of meat and he thinks other people are all controlled by robots and he thinks that he's the only person that is actually flesh and bone. He's insane and he's Tony Shalu and and he's just cutting open people looking for their tiny

he's cutting open people looking for the robots inside. There's no Eddie Murphy in here. Right he's looking for the little letting Murphy inside all of us and aren't we all and it turns out he's a serial killer and who should stop him but Batman. Okay played by Eddie Murphy. Meet Dave Gotham Knights. I don't listen. Eddie Murphy can't play more than one role in the same movie at the same time. What are you talking about? Madman? Madman? He's everybody in Madman. How about another Yahoo answer question? Yeah hit me. I can't believe you sit on the same fucking side of a booth as your wife. I don't want to keep. She seems to like it but this is probably one of those deathbed confessions I'm gonna hear about. This Yahoo is sent by Anna Schlumbbaum. Thank you Anna. It's by Yahoo

Answers user. Davis B. 0% best answers. Lot of shitheads. Davis B asks what are the top five best tuba brands? I have no idea what the best tuba brands are except I know Yamaha is probably good. If MiraPhone is in your top five what do you think of it? You don't want a MiraPhone? No. You want to go with Blaster Phone? Blaster Phone is really good. It's a weird like sort of acoustic electric mix and they cost four dollars at a gas station and it's it is a tuba shaped toy. But you'd be amazed. You'd be amazed at the kind of rich DB's you can get out. There's also a button that makes it sound like a dog bark and you don't get that on any of the other like upscale tubas. No. No there's no dog barks in a MiraPhone.

Yamaha does if you let a dog bark into it. I like a nice inflatable tuba. Interesting. Not an especially rich sound. No but I mean it's much easier to carry. Yeah. And it can save your life if you like fall out of a boat. Justin did you did you ever I don't want to I don't want to drop any generalizations here. You weren't a tuba man right? You were a coronet a coronet fella. No. Is it a euphonium or a baritone horn? What's the difference between a baritone horn and a tuba? The one you made up. What? No. It's just it's just there's just other low brass instruments are basically the same. One's more for marching, one's more for concert. At least I think I never paid that close attention. I

didn't learn all the notes but I learned maybe six or seven notes. And how long did you play? Blur Blur Blur Blur It depends on how whether it was a whole note or a half note Trav and then can you give me a can you give me a half note? Half. Okay. There's a one, two, three, four. Half. There goes the whole note. Ready? Oh! Quarter note! Quarter! Quarter! What is it? Quarter! I got eight that's coming! Listen to this! What's that six teeth note? No it can't be done. Can't be done. Can't be done. Six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six. Six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six. I know, you summon the Devil.

That is pretty good. And now you have to have a tube of battle with the Devil. Tube of battle with the Devil for your soul. The Devil is. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Justin went down to Georgia and took him a long time because tubas are heavy.

He was pretty tired by the time he got there, he took a little nap. Why didn't you guys go, Travis, you were a tromboner, right? I was a trombonist, please. The reason I did not go pro with my trombone skills is that there were three other trombonists in my middle school band,

and what we did was each of us learned one fourth of the song, and then that person would play their part while the other three just moved the slides up and down until your part came around, and then you'd pick it up and the other three would drop out. Was there not like a clear, like you're playing, you can call me owl in during half time?

No, because you just put your mouth to the mouthpiece and go, boo-do-do-do. No, no, but I'm saying there would be like a clear, like one of you is clearly better than the other. So be like, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh.

First coming was just amazing. He was the trombone to stop. Yeah. And so we had to have a talk. I think every trombone, this isn't the trombone to stop. We had to have a little talk with Chris. He was like, yes, I'll look bad. He said, hey, cool it out, hot shot.

I never did band. That's weird Griffin, because you're probably the most musically inclined of the three of us. I mean, I used the instrument of my diaphragm. My vaginal birth control device. He never got pregnant. I wanted to, but I didn't know where to eat.

Where do you even fucking start? What I wanted to know was when somebody decides to do band, and they also decide that they don't want to do it, but that they have to do it, then do you try as hard as you can to get the piccolo? Cause that seems like the fucking jam. Just like carry around these two AA batteries. All right, yeah, I can do that.

This is the crazy thing to me. I remember very clearly the first day of middle school band, and the teacher said, okay, what instrument does everyone want to play? And 50% of the class wanted to play drums, and 50% of the class wanted to play saxophone. And that was it. Well, that was during the clan.

That was the clan. She was like, okay, listen, somebody's got to do trumpet. Listen, everybody likes. Somebody's got to do trombone. All of us really enjoyed the new musical phenomenon that is Dave Matthews' band. But some of you, first off,

we don't have any violins, so you guys need to leave. Cause neither of you ended up with what I would consider to be a light instrument that I don't hope, I really hope I don't offend you. A couple of lazy fox can just like carry around in the hot sun. I did use my trombone for self-defense ones. Oh, I remember that.

It's the only fight you ever won. That's crazy. Here's the thing I wanted to tell you about. You don't know from a band. Here is how I remember it. I started learning to play trumpet. That's how I got my start. But my lips were too big to play trumpet well.

It hurt. It hurt me. Which makes me think that maybe they don't assign and maybe they just let you pick because any self-respecting music teacher would take a look at these luscious. That you got from your non-he clearly. These luscious kiss machines and said like,

I don't know. I think this is a baritone or euphonia man and not a trumpet man. So I flushed it. I wasted the best year of my life trying to learn how to play trumpet. Justin, I don't know when the best year of your life is, but it definitely fucking didn't happen

at Kamak Middle School. Just know they closed Kamak. You know that both Kamak and Miller Elementary are no more. Miller was turned to dust and Kamak they, we outlived basically what I was saying is we outlived both of them. Good. So hooray for us.

Yeah. Oh man, I'm gonna miss those blue streaks. What even the fuck is a blue streak? Get a better mascot. Oh wait. You can't. You're dead. You're dead.

We beat you. I beat you middle school. You're the fucking shittiest three years ever anyone has to go through. If you're listening to this podcast in your middle school, first of all, that's awesome. Second of all, keep on. Just keep pushing.

It's the worst. It's the absolute pits. My little sister-in-law Riley graduated and I looked at her and I was like, I just want you to know that you finished the hardest thing you'll ever do. Yeah. There's nothing.

There's literally nothing. There's literally nothing. Trust me, I've gone out pretty far out of here. There is no point in your life at which you go, I am both dealing with as much shit as I did in middle school and also can't like, I don't know, drink or smoke or drive a car or a boat. Yeah, none of the things.

I'm slowly jizzing a little bit 24-7 and I don't understand why. Starving. Elizabeth, we start Money Zone with Nature Box. Every time I talk about how hungry you are, how about you order some snacks before you get fucking hungry? Order them now.

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oh my God, it's all chemicals and butter. That's the only thing in that machine and high-frequency response service, garbage. Nature Box is like that. It's like a vending machine in a cardboard box in your house that you don't have to put money into. It doesn't vent stuff in. You just open the box and then you open the package

and then you eat it. Oh, so kind of like a box. Yeah, kind of like a box. The more we live with this metaphor, I feel like the shine's early off the apple but it doesn't have artificial stuff. And sometimes you're trying to eat the praline to get stuck in the box to shake the box.

Get out of there. Oh, wait, it's a box. I can just open it. The Nature Box lets you pick the snacks you want. You log on to their website, naturebox.com. And you're gonna be able to pick the, they got like South Pacific plantain chips and everything bagel sticks and the BBQ Kettle kernels,

the vanilla almond clusters, French toast granola. That's what I like. And you can, it's like a subscription thing, you know? You tell them what snacks you want and they'll send them to you. They're delicious. Oh, they're good. I'm getting hungry now.

Right now I'm just thinking about them. And when they send them to you, it's free shipping anywhere in the US. So, ooh. Does that include the non-consecuous states? I must assume so. Does that include the secret states? It does.

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Do you think I just scared the shit out of all of our listeners in the secret states? They're like, oh no, he knows. He's gonna tell all my friends in Upper Montana. It's a secret state on top of Montana. You didn't think anything was up there. Beyond the fog. Beyond the wall.

Beyond the fog wall. What is that? It's a secret state called Upper Montana. Our next live show is in Upper Montana, by the way. It's great. We're in the Badlands of Upper Montana. Inside the Spiral Cave. All our attendees are gonna be goblins.

We're out in the Badlands. And we will be stoned as shit. We had to bring a roto cycle and we'll trade bottle caps for more water rations. And it's gonna be a great show. It's gonna be a really great show. We'll all probably die. Guys, you've tried Hulu on your computer.

I know that you have. You're probably doing it right now as we record. You're probably watching, I don't know, Survivor or something. Let me talk about Hulu Plus though. Cause it's a lot better. With Hulu Plus, you can watch current season episodes of your favorite shows like Family Guy, Parks and Rec.

Tonight's show with Jimmy Fallon. You can watch every episode of shows like Community and South Park. But there's a lot more to it than that, isn't there? Yes. Great, is there? I'm glad we had this talk. You can also, aside from just like your mobile device

or tablet or whatnot, you can also watch it on computer, Smart TV, Roku, Apple TV, Xbox, PlayStation. Pretty much like anything you have that you could stream shit to, you can watch Hulu Plus on. Can you imagine? They have archived shows

like every episode of older television programming. It's not on the air anymore. They have original programming like Dead Beat, a comedy about a pot smoking guy that talks to ghosts. They don't all pot smoking guys talk to ghosts, so. They do. And if you think about how much you pay a month for cable. $800.

Yeah, and if you're not paying for like some kind of DVR service, they come on and they're gone. That's a wasted resource. You're paying for shows that you don't get a chance to watch. With Hulu, it's just $7.99 a month, and it's always there. So if you say, oh, I don't have time

to watch the new episode of Parks and Recreation, it's cool, it'll still be there two hours later. You didn't miss it. From two hours later to up and tell the heat death of the universe. Yeah. That's how long your episode's gonna last on Hulu Plus. What if I don't wanna pay for it right now?

What's your fucking problem? These guys are giving us money to talk about how great their product is. You could say like, I wanna pay for this right now. Nothing's gonna stop me from paying for this. Take my money. But we are gonna stop you because you're gonna who plus got a comp slash my bro.

Whoa, wanna try that again there, speed demon? Whoa. Did you just have a typo in your mouth? Did you just have a vocal typo? Huluplus.com slash my brother. You know, it's a good mental typo when like you are trying to correct it as you say it. Dot com slash my bro for, no, oh shit.

Sorry, I got off the home row. Huluplus.com slash my brother. And you get two weeks for free. Go there right now. One more time to deal with it. One more quick thing I want everybody to do. Go to Wednesdaywolf.com and make the world stranger. It is.

Oh my shit, this stuff is awesome. Yeah, what we're talking about here, paintings. Yeah, it's paintings, drawings. It's kind of, it reminds me a lot. Have you ever read the book, The Hungry Caterpillar? If you took those little illustrations and ran them through like an LSD filter. Yeah, a lot of these paintings are painted with,

and this is a quote, water color, ink, so far so good, and various bodily fluids, not yet convicted of murder. It's cool if this person says, great, great, great. Our friends, Rush Freshdick and Chris Plant, have a video series called The Cooperatives and they were actually turned into a piece of art. That hasn't come down from a brother or brother to me yet,

but I'm whole not hope. There's some really great, genuinely terrifying stuff in here, a lot of Pokemon, which I appreciate. I might buy one of them, but I don't want to accidentally touch someone else's giz. Do we get a no giz guarantee on some of these paintings? Wednesdaywolf.com and make the world stranger. Go, go, you gotta look.

Be free. Just go look. Just go look at it. I got a message for Zach Doring. That's a guess on that pronunciation. It's from Feliza Doring. I bet I didn't get either of those right, and I'm just trying. You got one out of four so far.

Okay, Zach. I am so proud of everything you've done in the last couple of years. I love you so much. Congrats on 10 years of service, and welcome to civilian life. Love, KK. P.S., deployment emails have been taken to a new level.

So that's- I don't know what that means, but it sounds intense. Zach, thank you so much for your service. It is not specifically outlined if you were in the military or maybe some sort of underground secret spy crime ring. He was in the Upper Montana Police. In the Upper Montana Mounted Police.

He was a barbarian in the Upper Montana Police Force. He was a potion alchemist. Thank you for your help up there. You know, the potion alchemists, they don't see a lot of like field time, but it's just as dangerous because they're trying new spells every day, and those shapes can blow up in your face.

People think the bolt rangers have it easy. No. And you think that they just like, the goblins see the fog wall and they're like, we'll stay back. No, they'll step to it and Zach can be on the fog wall, stays there and keeps us all safe for 10 years.

So really, it's like, thank God for the Upper Montana Mounted Police because they're doing it so you don't have to. Right. Yeah. Yeah. They're mounted on Chocobos. I wanna go to this place we've created.

I know. Now I'm sold. Now I know how Tolkien feels. Felt. What's up? My name is Jasper Redd, co-host of The Goose Down, along with the lovely Kimberly Clark.

And we wanna invite you into the comfort and groove of our podcast that encompasses the arts and entertainment. You can check us out at maximumfund.org, also available on iTunes. See ya. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I have been in my schools.

There are program feeder. Yes. I'm sorry, that was a bad pace for me. Why are you so bad? How did you break up a word midway through in a pace? So I have been in my schools theater program for two years now. And I've yet to click with my drama teacher.

He's the kind of guy who picks favorites from his students and I am not one of them. His favorite students are always the one who recommends to people and gives the best roles and auditions. I'm not a bad actor, but he never really notices me or acknowledges that I'm just as good as them. Do you have any advice for me about how to make him notice me or make him like me more?

That's from unnoticed actress. I have good news for you. He is giving you the greatest gift. He is giving you the drive and desire to become famous and shove it back in his stupid face. And also, he's preparing you for a career of what is going to... And I'm sure you're gonna make it. Listen, a lot of people come to us and they say,

I got big old stars in my eyes. Ow! And then we say, yeah. But for you, I know that you're gonna make it. You are going to face a lot of neglect. Mm-hmm, a lot of neglect. A lot of neglect. You think you've tasted neglect? Well, you don't know fucking anything.

It's gonna get so much worse before it gets better. It'll get better. And you're gonna make it. Ooh, someday, I'm gonna see your name in lights, but before I'm gonna see your name in shit. You are on the perfect arc for superstardom. Think about every actor or actress you ever heard from. How many of their stories start with,

well, from a young age, I was coddled. And I was coddled by everybody. And I had a super healthy upbringing and everybody was really nice to me. And that's why I'm famous today. No, you have to start with nobody acknowledging your existence until you make it. Do you think that's 100% true?

Do you think like, I think maybe Kira Knightley was like, from the womb, like, let's get to it. Oh, we gotta get this kid famous. She was genetically developed. We gotta get the kid famous as fast as possible. Get her, get her. Get on the movie. Quick, quick, quick, quick.

Go ahead. Look at her face. Throw the camera. Is there anything in the camera? Give me a camera. All right, the script as we go. Look at that face. Listen, if you want a Rambo, right,

you gotta raise a Rambo, right? You don't, you don't, you don't coddle them. You gotta raise a Rambo. There's two kinds of actors in this world. There's actors- There's Kira Knightley and Rambo. There's Kira Knightley and there's Rambo's, right? You're either a Knightley or a Rambo.

You're either so coddled that you take it for granted that everything's gonna come to you. You don't work hard. You're not out there, pound in the pavement, six a.m. cattle call auditions until you make it big. You hit that thing, the director goes, that person. They've got the look. I want them in my movie, right?

And if you're coddled, yeah, yeah, maybe you're a Kira Knightley, but that's literally one in billions. I would say for everybody, that's definitely one in billions. I want to teach you a valuable lesson on Notice Actress. I am sorry that you're acting teachers in that community, the attention that you so richly deserve.

You have great hasten podcasts, but you are given an invaluable opportunity right now to realize that when you are doing this as a profession, there's gonna be a lot of times when you don't get the attention you deserve, and it's a great opportunity for you to focus on the work. I don't know what the work is, but I've heard a lot of people talk about it.

It seems like something you should be focused on. You just try to cry in front of a mirror, and you do that for just hours at a time. Just, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Yeah, and you gotta put yourself in the head of people. What would it be like to be a guy who didn't like Sierra? Yeah, I'm Matthew McConaughey. All right, okay, okay, okay.

So that was me, that's me, and what you just heard was the work, and I just became a little bit of a better actor. Just like that. Give me another one. I'm the President Barack Obama. Hi, let me sign that bill. Let me sign that bill, ooh, I don't know about drones.

So then that was more, now I could probably do him. Now can you do Bronco Obama? Yeah, I'm Bronco Obama. Let me hide, let me, ooh, look out for that rattler. Hand me that bill to sign into law. He's our, he's our world-class President. So now that's, I'm a little bit better.

I'm gonna go audition, actually. I'm gonna stop the podcast right here and go audition, just this. All right, quick edit. Quick edit, let me just run out. I got it. What role? Bronco, Bronco Obama.

The role of Bronco Obama, the local auto dealership commercial. Bronco, Bronco Obama, and it's in City Slickers 3. Shitty Slickers. It's called Shitty Slickers, because they just, like, they know. Yeah. They know.

Do you guys want to y'all who? I want to see Shitty Slickers. Yeah, now I really want to watch. Okay, so now I need to go to upper Montana, and I need to see Shitty Slickers, but I don't ever happen, because our ideas are too beautiful to exist. You often, people take movie titles,

and then they convert them into, like, porn movie titles. I wish that more people would say, but what if I just made a really bad version of this movie? Yeah. I'd call it Shitty Slickers. Yeah, pretty good. I mean, it's not a bad, it's not a remake, original script,

written by that fucking dude who writes all the X-Men movies that are so bad. If I wrote a show about four women leading really boring, stupid lives, I think I'd call it Sex and the Shitty. How about a Yahoo? Yeah, please. Yahoo is sent in by Jackie.

Thank you, Jackie. It's by Yahoo Answers User. Is it too late to do Caroline and the Shitty? Yeah, it's way too late. Okay, fine, okay. You're just doing city now. I know, I've tapped this well. This user's been deleted,

been suspended from the Matrix. No, I like that. Send Shitty. Great. This anonymous deleted user. Are we just gonna sit here and think of other movies that have city in the title? Yes.

Babe Pig in the Shitty. I was just about to do Babe Pig in the Shitty. All right. Okay. Can we move on? Yes, I have one other thing to say, Sex and the Shitty too. The Legend of Curly's Gold.

All right. Shitty of Angels. Great. I can't. Okay, I'm trying to think. Okay, can I do one? Yes, please. I need to think.

Wasn't there a, what was the movie about the mouse that Michael T. Foster's voice for? Stir it a little. Stir it a little. It doesn't have city in it at all. It has nothing to do with city and I thought you were gonna say New Jack Shitty.

Oh, that's it, New Jack Shitty. All right, so this deleted user asks. Yes. Is there a way to incorporate a third nipple into sex? I have a third superfluous nipple below my left breast. Although sensation is diminished compared to my other nipples. I almost said regular nipples,

but that's hateful I suppose. That's offensive. My typical nipples. My tip, my tippables. I still have enough sensation to enjoy it being touched by a woman during sex. However, during sexual encounters, who calls them that?

Most of the girls I've known have been turned off or even slightly frightened by it. No. Is it really that bizarre to want stimulation in this third extra-orogenous zone? Or should I feel guilty and regard this as a birth defect and not a blessing? Well, I learned a lot about third nipples

at a wedding I went to recently from a friend who just left med school. He graduated, he didn't leave it. I hope he left it after. Third nipples aren't what I imagined that Hollywood has made them out to be. You were picturing a whole other nipple. I was thinking about areolas.

But no, you can have just a little bumpus, a little tipple right there as long as it's on the milk line. So we can be down on your belly as long as it's on the milk line. It's probably a nipple. And I'm worried because I have a freckle there that I've always had.

Maybe it's not a freckle. Maybe it's a little bit more insidious and a lot more retchiness in there. Maybe that's like your two and a half nipple. What if from, I think the problem with the women that you're dating is that they're not ready. But I don't think, I think you need to prepare them

without spoiling it exactly what it is. So try this. Once you're, when you're at dinner, every once in a while, just start doing a little shake back and forth in your seat and sing like a little like, I have got a surprise for you.

No. Welcome to that time. Can't wait to tell you. I have got something secret and special for you. There will be a moonlight revelation tonight. I hope that you like fun buttons. No, oh, oh, mistake before dirty time. Or you're gonna miss this special surprise.

All your friends will talk about my fun button that you never got to see. So I'm fucking all your friends. Could you do something where every time like the waiter brings dinner, you say like, I don't know, do I want two broccoli? Well, I guess I want three, cause that's one more. More is nice.

It's nice to have more, right? I don't think this is a curse. I think it's a beautiful blessing. Cause you will, this person categorically, mathematically, will experience more erogenous pleasure than any of us could ever aspire to. I'd experience more nipple pleasure this morning than you will in your entire life.

Right, like when we reach the end and God tallies up our score. When he sorts the light into heaven by nipple pleasure. No, I mean, it's not, doesn't have anything to do like, you know, St. Peter letting us in and he like a cue. I'm saying there's like a little cut. But just in the book.

I'm saying he's going to take it to the leaderboards, Mo. And then there's going to be nipple pleasure. And then this person will have beaten all of us by 50%. Well, Michael, a lot of our contestants today have experienced a lot of nipple pleasure. But the number one is this weird guy with three nipples. All right, let's go that radical rock. Mo.

Heaven in my mind, it's just an aggro crag. And it's not like the basic aggro crag, fuck that basic shit. I'm talking about the global guts crag with like steam and shit coming off. Like the one that like with like buzz saw traps and shit. And I imagine that as you walk up it instead of hitting actuators,

you're like high-fiving like Gandhi and like just all the, all the, there's eye sign, high five. Gandhi, why were you so chill? Check the chest. Oh shit. I didn't know. Yeah, yeah. I kept it hidden.

I was not in the diaries. But do you think that if, I mean, if you have a third nipple, isn't that God's way of telling you you should invite another partner into your sexual liaisons? Cause it seems like you'll never get full stimulation with just one measly part.

Poor one partner also has an extra nipple. Six nipples, two bodies, one bed. Six nipples, two bodies. Cause it's gotta match up like when you plug a plug into an outlet. If you just have the two prongs outlet, but you got the three prong plug, you're like it's not gonna work.

That's why you gotta invite another friend who only has one nipple to be your sexual adapter. Nice. I think that it's, I think it's God's way of saying you could be a lot more laissez-faire with your nipple security. Cause if you lose it, good news, backup, just scoot it up. If it, if a girl-

God, should I go skydiving? I don't know, fuck it. You got three? You got three? I gave you a bonus one so you could get risky. YOLO and also, hold on. Yep. What were you trying for?

Which is you have three nipples. Whatever sound you made, it's like, it's like the foley work for the thing stalking me down a metal hallway. That's the noise you made with your knife. That was the original sound, but Drake couldn't find things to rhyme it with. You only have three nipples?

Oh, crud. Well, folks, that's gonna do it for us. Thank you so much for joining us. Want to give a huge thanks to Hulu Plus where you can binge thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere. We're gonna get you a free trial of that by going to HuluPlus.com slash my brother.

And make sure you check out naturebox.com as well. They've got hundreds of wonderful snack choices. You're gonna get you can get 50% off your first order if you go to naturebox.com slash my brother. Go check it out and do yourselves a favor. I would think John Rodgerick in the long winters for the use of our theme song instead of Parture off the album Putting the Days to Bed.

If you were at MaxFunCon this past weekend, you probably got a chance to hang out with him. You piece of shit. Sorry, I'm just jealous. I bet that'd be a cool life experience. No big deal. Not a big deal. Anybody else who came to New York shows,

thank you so much. And everybody who's gonna be at LA. We can't wait to see you. It's gonna be nice. We love you. Do you wanna bring money? Do you wanna thank Tweetos? Oh yeah, thanks to people tweeting about the show

using the NBNBAM hashtag like Dan McKinney who made some of our mom's famous chest bars for his friend, fuckaddee. Fuckaddee? Fuckaddee. Thanks to Mark Davis, sick fallout. Bethany Keely Junker, Julia M. Velez, Michael McCullough who just tweeted

just a video of a horse at us, which is fine. I'll take that. I appreciate that. Sure. It's a horse playing saxophone, it looks like. Yeah, why not? Thanks to Jordan, Duchess of Nowhere, Alex LaVelle, Ryan Peeler, Nicole, Blue Nicole, Aaron Wilson, me.

Hello, Justin, you wanna thank yourself? Good work, my friend. Good God, I gotta thank myself. Martin is an adorable baby who's tweeting about our show, so I'm not sure what's going on there. And everybody else, thanks so much. Let's shut it down.

All right. This final yahoo was sent in by Aaron. Thank you, Aaron. It's by Yahoo Answers user, chiefkief, who asks, who is the youngest person living right now? Well, think about it. Deep, deep. Think about that.

My name's Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. Are you thinking about him? This has been my brother and my brother and me. Kiss your dad's square lips. Think about it. Just think about it. Think about it.

Damn. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Have you made vacation plans yet? The second annual Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival is ready to set sail this summer,

and we want to see you on board. Imagine amazing comedian, stellar music, and beautiful Caribbean views. It all takes place July 25th through 28th, en route to Nassau, the Bahamas. And frankly, we've impressed even ourselves with this lineup of bullseye favorites. You've got Moshe Casher.

I was in an airport recently. You ever see somebody and you're just like, oh, so you're what's wrong with everything in the world? Kyle Kanane. Anybody else in here gets so drunk last month you had to call a cab just to take you to Wendy's? W. Kamau Bell. So complicated, my feelings.

Morgan Murphy. I don't know if you guys know what a facelift is. It's when they take your face skin and they peel it away from your face and in that little space there, that's where they find your self-esteem. And besides them, Greg Barron, Chris Fairbanks, Karen Kulgarov, Natasha Legerro, Guy Branham,

Tony Kameen, and Carol Cole, plus an awesome music lineup hosted by John Roderick of the Long Winters and featuring our pal Gene Gray. Come on, what else are you gonna be doing? Don't miss the funniest weekend of your life. Get your tickets right now. Go to boatparty.biz.

Yeah, that's right, boatparty.biz. The Atlantic Ocean Comedy and Music Festival. Comedy, music, shuffleboard.