My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 205: Face 2 Face 8: Wedding Stiffness

Episode Date: June 16, 2014

This is the second of our three-show set at the People's Improv Theater in beautiful New York, New York. Thanks to everyone who came out!

He's a sex bird, but if there's a degree on the wall, hi, Etsy. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool? Thank you, my dear wizard. I'm excited as you all are to see us. I promise we're twice as excited to see these beers. I forgot to paper you out this backstage to second me a problem.

Oh, no! So ruinous. Like Chilean Myers and Merchant. This is my brother's name. I should have put him up during the era. I remember this brother, Justin McElroy. I remember this brother, Travis McElroy. And I used to be,

Hey, you mad girl from McElroy. I get to shout out, come here. I get to sit on top of All-Pound. What's up, All-Pound? Wow. And I know what I'm thinking. Oh, no, we got shitty seats. You actually got great seats.

We're not going to look at you the whole shit. But everyone's going to heart-indicate to you or acknowledge that you are there. I'm going to respect something back. Oh, oh, as they say, now audience one. Audience prong. Audience prong. I want you to know, I want to say a lot of things to the dog prong. You're still number one, am I?

Don't forget about that. That Justin, you don't even need to address that guy. You and me, we got something special called. How are you, this is show number four for you. Yeah, yeah, I crossed the river going halfway, halfway there, you know, it is finally, it is so weird seeing what it would be like to have an actual job. Yeah, I've done something. Yes, because doing comedy podcast. Yeah, sitting down and jerking off for two hours. I can't imagine what jerking off for two hours would be really exhausting.

Unproductive. And I do like what we do with the show, like questions and stuff. Well, I thought I might explain that we're going to take live questions, probably. We're going to run out of stuff to talk about. So start thinking of things you might want to ask us up here on the... Not about poofy, not about who, not about sleeping with your best friend's girlfriend, not about asking for gas money, cover. Otherwise, it's a...

Fair game. Have fun, get crazy. Get it right, because if not, you will be mocked and will be bad. You will feel bad about yourself, you won't feel like all those rivers, or they won't ripen me. No, you'll feel mocked. And if you guys want any of the snacks on the table, feel free to just come up and grab them, because the last show brought us drinks.

We can't complain, we got beers, but somebody brought like a whole thing of beer when it came from Florida that they shipped here, which is... I know, it's event beverage. Let me start. Jump in. Begin. Go. This is my show teach degree.

It said there to hold for a pause. Are these people that are here? Yes. This is Steve. I didn't say is Steve here, because I was afraid Steve was here. Sorry I made a part sound about your degree. It's just, masters are higher, and I don't think... And I'll be moving into an apartment closer to my new school this summer.

The problem is, I don't have any life skills. I can't cook. I don't know how to iron clothes. And paying bills is totally foreign concept to me. Basically, I need whatever wisdom you three have on being an adult. Steve, Steve, I want to know something, Steve. I want to know a real question for you, okay? After you decided to sit in the front row,

was there a moment when you were like, oh man, I don't know shit about shit. I'm gonna have to sit before I have counsel over my elders and I'm gonna get my feelings five feet away. Why isn't there like a website that's just like, when you graduate college, you get a membership, and it's like, here's how you pay a bill, here's how you do another thing. Because that's supposed to be everything leading up to that moment.

It's fucking not done. I learned all about how to measure the volume of shapes or whatever. But they don't teach you how to register to vote, ever. Ever, not once. I learned what voting does. I learned all about what a bill is, but I don't know how I participate in that conversation. We had a life skills class where we had to create a budget.

We learned how to fill out a check, which I thought was a lot of fun. We had to pick real estate from the... We went to the same fucking school, right? We had a budget we had to live off of, and you had to pick real estate, and you had to make a food list of things you're gonna buy for your family. Fruit roll-up, fruit roll-up, fruit roll-up, fruit roll-up. Everybody in my class was picking real estate out of the book

that cost like $200,000, $300,000. All in! These are some ballin' heights. Yeah, they're ballin' heights. And even at my young age, maybe this is when I decided to deviate from that, I'm like, you know what I'm trying to ask? You don't, motherfucker, you don't really live there.

I bought the Dandy Duplex. It was called, and it cost me $20,000, an imaginary dollar. I didn't spend one goddamn day there because I was all living. And I'm looking around at my fellow students like, we're a living! You know they won't make you move into this fake house you bought their imaginary money? Save it for a little Debbie,

so you're not gonna borrow their imaginary money. That's what I did. I bought just a lot of little Debbie's, people made fun of me for it. I guess because maybe I got a reputation because I brought those in my lunch every day, but... We got off-branded. When I took Star Crunches,

I remember playing that game. Give it up for Star Crunches, everybody! I remember playing that game in high school, and what happened to me was, I got approved for a loan for like the $200,000 house, and instead, I got a $75,000 house, and I didn't use the rest of my imaginary bets, because I thought he was just free money.

And then the teacher explained to me that I'd have to pay that back, and I had to petition the class to let me return the 150 animals I bought. And as you can imagine, they were not forgiven. You went about it all wrong. You may not have had a revenue stream,

but you had a zoo. Because I had a hundred of these stray dogs that got the worst fucking zoo ever. It sounds like we all sort of subscribed to the blank Czech school of evidence. I don't want a bouncy castle, like you can't do that. I'm going to the water slide in my house.

Do you have any idea how much it cost to upkeep a bouncy castle? No, I don't, but... Steve, learn to cook five things. Because by the fifth day, you'll be ready to eat the first thing again. So anybody who knows how to cook more than five things is just showing off.

I'm at the point in my life where Tuesday is tostada night, and I gained a lot of security from that. It's not as scary as I thought it would be when I was younger. You know, it gives me a lot of comfort. At least there's tostadas. At least I have some tostadas.

We'll always have tostadas. At least I have some to look forward to. What a brief-shining moment. I just can't put up with any of the Tuesdays that come in. I can just hold out till tostadas. Not my beautiful wife, and I don't want to shine in my dark, pitch-and-silk life for 15 minutes a day.

The Tuesdays that come in. Okay. I am getting a somewhat Doty look from Saltwater's co-host, Cindy McClose. So I do want to acknowledge that, yes, I do understand your seven months pregnant. I am definitely looking forward to that in addition to tostada night.

Basically, either, though. Baby, tostada. Baby, these look about the point. You asked him to choose. You can actually learn to cook really easy by buying a slow cooker. You put anything. Put a bunch of shit.

You just put a bunch of shit in it, and then make rice, and put the shit from the pasta onto the rice. Dinner is done, it's figured. That's how I make my tostadas. Listen, everybody want to let you know both tostadas see your dog pound? You know what's up?

You put chicken to this. Wait, hold on. I need a pen. I'll tell you what happens. Chicken tenders. Put them in a slow cooker. You remember having those salt pepper? And then you dump a jar of salsa on top of it.

On high for two hours in a slow cooker, you are going to have tostadas. You might hold on to two questions about how to make tostadas. We did great. Good job. 10 out of 10. Are there a lot of cables? So what else do you need help with?

Cookies cover. Cookies cover. How to iron. Take the hot thing and smooth it out. But don't do it wrong, or else it'll fuck it up forever. You just gotta keep moving. Don't wait.

Oh, we're good. Steve, life hack. Don't iron anything. Hang it out in the shower. Turn the shower on full blast. Close the bathroom door. 20 minutes later, everything Steve played.

Doesn't have to worry. You know what's up? You can also just throw it in the dryer with a damp washcloth. It does the same thing. So putting it. You forgot to empty the dryer so now everything's wrinkled.

No, it's not. Put a wet towel in there for 10 minutes. Oops, it's all fixed. This has been Steve's life hacks on Steve's. Because of all this great podcast, they turn my life around,

and I'm hacking your life because they help me so much pay it forward. What are you doing? Okay, by the way, in the last record set, I revealed to Justin how I'm going to pay it forward.

He said he was going to be sad for the rest of the day. I was worried about his podcast. I was. Until this little guy, sure enough. You may forget that. Never to audience at home,

I was indicating a beer. How are we just going to edit that out? How about you? Yeah, ready? You guys want to hear it? This is how you play it for. Come on a little strong. I know what's going to happen

as soon as I ask this out and answer. I just pray that we will move forward quickly. As I get back to the rest of the show, I'm just sitting by an emerald member and level nine now, who shall enter the Davenport.

Thank you to your Davenport. It is asked by Yahoo! Answers user, RoRo, who else is it? Does anyone here find Edward Snowden super hot? Who is it?

Come on. You are having an environment. I just want to say, wouldn't have been mind blowing if Edward Snowden had walked around the place all the time. But that's what he sounds like, he was actually on her show, he stayed in the asylum and just took a look at her. I am Edward Snowden.

I heard I had a secret admirer. Don't tell us. You would have can't have them for your friendship. Uh, the darkness? No, no, my dad, I don't even know who they are. And tell them they're secrets of the internet. What? Secrets of the internet.

I found the secrets of the internet. Sorry, I have a frog in my throat. I love that Edward Snowden and Amelie were introduced to the world. We've been in like one episode of each other and now they've used into this. They're very different. Sure. Copyright. Copyright.

Sorry, that's my bad. That guy looks more like Hollywood actor than a CIA agent. No, why? You like that magic smothering? I don't even care what he does or say, I just want to tie him up and do many things to him. That's not an okay thing to say about anyone. Personally, I just want to tie him up and do stuff to him. I think you want to tie me up, you're more fair, or the US government has fair, no one can tie Snowden.

I know the secret way to untie him right now. Hold on. Hold on. They cannot tie me. Does Snowden know all secrets? I know all secrets. Ask me anything. Tell me about the secret McDonald's video.

That is in the previous episode. How do you know anything? That's the continuity for people at home. I'm sorry, I didn't know anything. Personally, how do you rate his looks from 0 to 10? 0 seems super fucking harsh to apply to 80. That's like, you don't have anybody at all. When I look at your face it's just the grey mask, it's just the blob.

That is 7. Strong, strong, Sheffan. Snowden, Jonas. In the right light, we're going to share the board 5. The few cocktails. Snowden kicked you really? It's not an eco maniac. You're doing alright over there?

Wherever you are, they say it's Russia, but that's a false flag. That's a false flag. I'm doing fine. I would like to meet a special someone. To keep him busy? To let them meet the secret Snowden inside the secrets. Jesus Christ. It must be really hard to like...

I don't know, like... Go on. It must be hard to like, find someone that will like, let you in. Because once they let you in, you'll hack fucking everything you got. Did you see that movie, Literatury? It was emotional. Not really. Are you a vampire?

Are you a young vampire girl? I am a vampire of secrets. Right now, there's a person in the audience who's looking at the person next to them. What the fuck? Why did you bring into this, Jeff? What is this, Jeff? First the thing about the course dissection, and now this guy... What is this guy even doing?

I've seen that count on television. That's not how he sounds. I really have to pee, but I can't do that. Alright, we've got to use this. So, next question. Who are we? I'm a professional writer. Wait.

Do we cover it? We covered it. It's covered. It's covered in snow and hot? Yeah, I think we covered it. I'm a professional writer. And over the years, I, for the most part, developed a healthy attitude in regards to reviews and criticism. But last November, a comic miniseries I wrote got a scathing review from a Mr. Clint McIlroy.

And it haunts me still. Why would we put this in the show? How do I deal? How do I deal with criticism from your dad? And that's what Chris has to say. Chris, are you here? Chris, are you here? Chris, are you here?

Yeah, I don't think so. Travis gives the host his post on your dad. Listen, Chris, if you figure out how to deal with criticism from my dad, I hope you will like it. If you get our dad off your job for, like, a cent. Um, is he, that's not here yet, right? No, he's on route. On route, as they say. He was texting a lot of pictures of himself driving, so we'll see him.

Uh, who, you know, who the fuck is he? What's he done with his life that's so great? I mean, us. Uh, God, that's a toughie, cause like, no, we could just be like... Live your life. He's our dad. He's our dad. Like, maybe you should just listen to him.

Maybe it was, maybe it was, maybe it was like... We don't need, but maybe I have it all in the second he's polished on down. Like a boncage chair. Like a boncage chair. A boncage chair. Like a boncage chair? Maybe you should just listen to our dad. Whatever he said, maybe, how I write points now.

Um, this is, this is a man who's our man from Uncle was a really sweet show. You know, you could do. You could criticize his comic books that he made. And really turn the tables on you. Did you find the comic adaptation of Free Jack? He fucking ghost wrote that. You can't say that out. Oh shit.

Also the comic of Universal Soldier. Did you find the comic adaptation of Universal Soldier? Is that also a mystery? How's this Clint McRoy doing? We gotta fucking edit this. This is... No, none of you can tell. If this gets back to acting, we're fucked.

What else? What else can't we tell them about? Well, he made Green Hornet Dark Tomorrow, which was the alternate universe, Green Hornet, where Green Hornet was of Asian descent and Cato was white. And he had... That was the only choice. That was like how he put this script? No, that was just one of the things that was in the thing.

And he did one about vampire hunters? Blood is the harvest. There it is. Blood is the harvest. I guarantee you have some weak shit in Blood in the Heart. He did the title of it is Blood is the Harvest. Yeah, start there. That was not his title.

It was about two vampire bounty hunters named Deep and Wide. And I'm pretty sure he was going to go with that. Fuck you guys. It's a pretty good comic book. Who the fuck are you? Who the fuck are you? Now, where's your comic book? Not your press, but the rest of it.

Where's your comics? Did shit. Talk about my dad. I'll flip on this whole goddamn room. I don't care. It's a real confrontation when you're real excited. Real excited. He's going to be like, there's plenty of appreciate in here.

I am trying to... You guys seem angry at me. Is that Bill Nitz? No, it's me. Because that's my dad. I try to remember that's a, like, genuinely criticized us for shit. Nah, dad's problem is always he's too supportive. So he would say like, yeah, you can be active.

You're great at football. Fucking super not great at football. I guarantee you. Try to stick with wrestling. It's going to take off. Didn't ever really... Justin, you're good enough acting that you should spend your college career maturing and acting.

What's four years? This is the craziest thing. Because you say that. I remember in high school, dad saying, it's too bad you gave up on wrestling. Because now, if you're Bill Nile, you'd be so good. And for half of a second, for half of a second, I would go, hey, man.

And I'd go, oh, no, wait, right. I wrestled two years and never won a single match. Like, so maybe it's just a no. I saw like a sickly boy. I beat a kid with a flu once. But I count that as a tie. Really. Did you get the flu afterwards?

No, I didn't. So I guess I win. Next question. How about you? Please. Which one of these are gonna... That one. No, that one.

Yeah. I mean, so... I'm gonna do it. So I'm sitting by Ira Rae. Are you Ira Rae? Awesome. Yeah. You nailed it.

You nailed it. Awesome. I didn't know if you guys did it or not. I wasn't looking. Did you? Okay. Perfect. This was...

This year, the night was sitting by... There was asked by Jane 2000. Who asked? Min. Oh, God. Min, have you ever fist bumped a girl as an excuse to touch her? Awesome.

Great. Great. Great. Cool life. You can't hug, yet it's too much. And shaking hands is too formal. Is it an excuse to touch a girl? We're the worst.

We're the fucking worst. Dude, just dudes. Dudes. Here's the thing, though. Dude, are there any dudes in here today? No, they're all flying. It seems like a trap. Good instinct, dudes.

There has to be at least one dude, though, that has like, Hey, who's mobile? It's everything I dreamed of looking. Her knuckles are so soft. Give me a picture of this. Fuck, this is just the worst. Like, I don't have anything to say about this,

except it's the worst, and I'm sorry. Oh, wait, hold on. I mean, so many answers, and it's all the time, it gets my heart pounding, it's all here. Y'all new answers. Take action against this user,

and he's like, Where are the moderators? We're a bit like Batman. No, too creepy. You're done. Get out. You've been bounced from Yahoo. If you get bounced from Y'all new answers,

we're being too creepy. You didn't even, like, move into the woods or something. Don't do that. Fellas. Fellas. How do you sleep in that? Touching is,

touching is so overrated, you know? Yeah, I'd rather just be out of a girl from a car. If you have to say... I'm just trying to make a connection. If you ever have to say the words in sequence,

and excuse to touch something. It's buffed up somewhere along the way. Yeah, somewhere along the haywire. Oh, no. You can tell from a fist bump if somebody that wants to touch you, it will creep you out through your fist.

And I guarantee you, any woman who has ever had that trick pulled on her has had this expression on her face. To be fair, I feel like that's how anyone should react when someone goes, Fist bump?

Yeah. You want to punch my... I guess it's not in 1971 anymore. I feel like any fist bump or high five, I actually extend this to high five, where you have to say what is going to happen with me in this.

Hey, let me have this with you. No, it's got to be like, you will know when it's time to high five, and both people will know. They will understand that, oh, high five is coming. This situation calls for it. If you say it out loud,

you are foresand. No question. But it could be a courtesy thing, because what if you go for a five and they go for a bump, and then you smack them in the face. High five. Oh, God.

No, no. And you punch me in the stomach. I'm not friends anymore. But I didn't get to touch you. You got to give me that. Because the other side of that is that anyone ever fist bump when their girl went,

I don't even love with this. Oh, no. I felt that magic spark. Sorry to interrupt you live, Justin. Great spoofs, us. We are nailing it. This is so funny.

Actually, this was the, what was this, the second one? Yeah, this was the weakest one. No, I thought the next one was the weakest. You all got some dog shits. I look forward to though. No, I'm just kidding. They were all decent.

Thank you all for coming to those New York Shirts, and thank you to everybody who came out to the LA Life Show. We're going to be parsing these out a little bit, because we got travel plans and we don't want to go... Babies coming. Babies coming.

Babies coming. We don't want to go a week without an episode, so we're spacing these out. We'll probably have another regular episode next week. Sorry about the audio quality on this one. I know it's not ideal, but we did our best. The LA Life Show should be good though.

Should be so nice. Let's get paid maybe. Let's get paid at the Money Zone. I know you've probably tried Hulu on your computer, sitting at your desk where the boss is looking over your shoulder, but it doesn't have to be a secret thing. Why would the boss be looking...

If the boss was looking over your shoulder at you watching Hulu, he would be very upset. The boss is looking over your shoulder because he missed South Park. Okay. Sounds like a pretty cool boss. Yeah, he is a cool boss, but you don't have to just do that.

There's something more than that. You take your relationship to a deeper, more serene level with Hulu Plus. That's like Hulu, but it makes Hulu look like dog shit, because it's... Whoa, don't say that. Whoa, come on.

It's much better than Hulu, and you can watch an insane amount of television parks and recreations on there. Here's one. Fox canceled my hit TV series, I Want to Marry Harry. You son of a bitch. How could you watch this?

They canceled my hit TV series, but Hulu's like, give us your poor, give us your tired, give us your hungry. We'll put that whole series up online. No problemo. There's like a billion seasons of Survivor

and Amazing Race. We've been digging through. They just added Top Chef too. Nice. Block off a day to binge. Yep. Get in there. Watch it all for eight bucks a month.

Anytime, anywhere. iPad, Roku, Xbox, whatever. Goku from Dragon Ball Z. There are over 9,000 TV programs on Hulu. I don't know if that's actually it. Gohan. You're just saying things.

Super Saiyan Gohan. I mentioned eight bucks a month. That's actually not for you. You're too special for that. You are going to get a two week free test run. Piccolo. If you go to HuluPlus.com slash my brother, we're going to get you two weeks of access

completely free. So you can try it out, watch a bunch of shows, and then realize that your life has been missing this entire time. So HuluPlus.com slash my brother. That's HuluPlus.com slash my brother. Man, that was a great ad, Griffin.

And we're going to have a lot of fucking sweet money coming in from that. And frankly, I don't know what to do with it. Yeah. They're going to pay us a lot of extra money because of how fucking sweet a job we do with all those tight, tight TBC references. I have an idea though.

I think we should go to Simple because Simple is apparently the best bank ever. It is. It's the way banking should be. They took banking and they said, this thing's fundamentally fucked. Let's do a start over. Start from scratch.

Imagine if you will a checking account with no minimum balance, no monthly fee, no overdraft charge. No fucking checks. No fucking checks. 55,000 fee free ATMs. And you can deposit checks with a photo

and you can spend without it being stressful and terrible. Money can be fun again. Fun money. Thank God. Money is back. Money is back in a big way for 2014. People thought I got done with money for a while,

but money is back. Money, Simple lets you save automatically so you can tell it like I have a goal and it will help you reach that goal because it cares about you and it wants you to be happy. Just like Gohan helped Goku reach his goal of becoming the ultimate Super Saiyan warrior.

Okay. Simple.com. You know what was nice? I'm a simple customer myself. I signed up and I sent a message to them because I had a question and they just responded in the app. It was like not even a big deal.

They just chatted right back with me. It's super nice. They can pay your bills and it's FDIC insured so it's like a real bank. It's like a real bank. They're not just going to take your money and put it in their butts

and then fight a Cuba or something. The thing's so popular. There's a waitlist right now but we can help you get past it. How can we do that? Simple.com slash my brother. That simple.com slash my brother. Go there.

Go get your banking right. Wait till you get your money right with Simple. So that's the new thing I've been working on for them. My jingles are back also in a big way. Just like money. Hey, Jacqueline. Jacqueline. Jacqueline.

Jacqueline. Hey, Jacqueline. You. Yes, you, Jacqueline. Got a message for you from Brendan who says, hey, Jacqueline, you sure did graduate, didn't you? By the time this reaches you,

we'll be living in a sweet new house. I'm so stupid lucky to be able to come home to you all the time. So much love from Brendan. I think that's nice. Yeah, usually we think it's something funny to say here but that just sounds like a nice situation you have going on over there.

Jacqueline, you're nailing it. Jacqueline's doing really good. She's got a, got a sweet. I don't know the nature of the relationship but I'm just going to say lover. Got a sweet lover in Brendan. Got a new diploma.

Got a new house. I bet it's a real big like, maybe like 2600 square foot ranch style house in like Biloxi, Mississippi. Oh, that sounds like a white picket fence. White picket fence. Somewhere on that screen. Got another message for Will.

Congratulations, Jacqueline. Go ahead, start over. Got a message from Will Lillspoon Barley. Love it. Will Lillspoon Barley from Jeff and Jesse, presumably they're the big spoons. Congratulations. One of them has to be the biggest spoon, right?

One of them is the largest. This is the tablespoon. And the other one is the soup spoon. Congratulations to Dr. William Lillspoon Barley on receiving his PhD. Will channel the power of his favorite warrior cat, Bramble Pelt, to finish his dissertation. Thanks to the Brothers Macquarie

for helping Will become a fake doctor. Starting this fall, he will be a professor at the University of Illinois, so might provide some future farm wisdom. I have so many questions about his whole scene. Did he get like a PhD in agriculture? Yeah, I think maybe there was a missing bit of information there that would inform that,

because I don't know why being a professor in Illinois would inherently make you more likely to come up with farm wisdom. I think if you're in the agriculture business and your last name is Barley, that's a pretty fucking good start. Yeah, you're like halfway there. Hi, my name is Dr. Jack Carrot. My name is Dr. Jack Carrot.

Hi, I'm Dr. Jack Lettuce, and I'm here to teach you about how to get sweet vegetables from the ground. The top gains. I'm going to blow out your lettuce with sweet gains. I'm also the creator of Farmville. So congratulations, William. And thank you for listening to our program.

And now we're going to head back to Live Us and Travis, back when he was alive. Miss him. Miss you, sweet boy. I need a fucking pal of cleanser is what I need. Does anyone in the audience have a question? Yeah, put up super fast. Yeah, come on now.

Do you remember the criteria? We explicitly outlined the criteria. No, you understand the fucking dangerous danger point. Every time you call someone up, it is the scariest. It's the most dangerous game. Okay. It will get savage. Hey guys.

We will savage you if you fuck this up. No pressure. Now don't be shy. Get up close to the mic. Okay, too close. So my roommate and I just moved into a new place. Okay. And we found the last person's checkbook.

Oh. Exactly. You fell in the well. You've come to the right place. How much do I take? Oh my god. Okay. I thought the question was going to be like,

what's the easiest way to get it back to them? Is there information on the checkbook? I can use to locate this person. Here's the thing. You're going to need to write $1 million. I didn't get your name. Sam. Sam.

Okay. So you're going to check it, right? Yeah. Fine check. Fine check. I'm going to throw this out. Just write $1 bajillion. Okay.

Here's what you do. Write $1 bajillion. Give another friend. Sit on their shoulders. Put a trick on them. Okay. I do. I go to the bank.

I'm a 9-12 man with a very big bank. I'd like to withdraw $1 bajillion, please. Then you're in prison for fraud. I'm a 9-12 man with a very big bank. I'd like to withdraw $1 bajillion, please. Then you're in prison for fraud. I'm a 9-12 man with a very big bank. Turn this into this minute, please.

Hello. I'm a grown-up. And I would like to exchange this. I owe deposit half. Fuck. Can you ransom the checkbook off? That's the thing. Don't write any checks because that's illegal.

But ransom is your fault. You can sell it to a... You can't... You're not a bad person. You're not going to write a bad check, but you can sell it to a worse person. You seem like the kids. $30, please.

You could also just make the check out for a non-money denomination, but try to cash this person's check for like one hug. Then the video goes viral. I don't know how that sounds. This man asked for a hug with a check. He won't believe what happened next. He didn't get it.

He didn't get it. He did not get it. He was arrested. Then what he said, that's not how checks work. You're just looking for an excuse to touch me. Nice try.

I turned you down for a Facebook account. Why do you think... Let's have a... Here, let's go less answer more intervention. Okay. Don't commit this crime. Sam, no. Sam, everything's working for you right now.

You got your roommate in a place where you can't share your future like this. Let me throw this out. Take these checks. Make a framed, like, kind of collage. Ruin. Up there. Just account numbers with friends.

Come on, look. Yeah, if you want all yours. You can use whatever you want. Take the account information. You're saying you give these checks out like party stuff. Yeah. You're just handing out a lot of tear one off as they leave it.

Like, here's a check. Here's a check. Come to town. Oh, so rather than being the victim of identity theft, you want them to be caught in some sort of insane psychosexual web where just like hundreds of strangers have access to their checking account.

That'll be more palatable. Yeah. I think... How do I monetize that, though? That's a fucking fine question to you. It's not worth it. Doesn't even think about it as a paper chase. Life is so much bigger than forged checks.

There's so much more out there for you than that. You could go through, if they balanced their book, you could look at all the purchases they made and go out in the world to make all those purchases in one day in their life. And just tell them Mr. Ripley that. Well, no, don't fucking murder them.

That's worse than crime. In a way. In a way? Sam, thank you so much for joining us. You want me on? Yeah. Do we have more questions? I think you guys have a question right here.

Sorry? Yeah, come on. Oh, this is favoritism. It's what this is. All right. Hey, how's it going? Hey, Ray. Hello, bro.

My name's Brent. Hi, Brent. Hi. You're welcome. I have a little big problem in my mind. It's not even the audience is angry. They sound like they're saying, Oh, I get it.

All right. Stay in. You know the criteria. Yeah, I do. I got a small problem and a big problem. Small problem. I can really use a Pepsi Max. Okay.

Thank you. That's the first problem we've ever solved. Yeah. Big problem. I have a magically cute dog. Now let me explain. This dog needs exercise. He's five months old.

He needs to expend the energy so he's not aggressive around the house. He's magically cute. I can't make it one block without the foot traffic of New York City stopping to make a comment and make me feel obligated to not keep walking because he's so fucking cute.

Yeah. What do I do? How do I make either myself or my dog more standoffish or more unapproachable? You're doing it. Come on. You're power. Wait, it's fine.

You are going to have to ugly your dog, Uggs. Can you bind the dog, Uggs? Because I think that would just go off the floor. Like mini-Uggs? You want to say that Ugg doesn't stand for ugly, right? Like women don't wear Uggs to be like, I need to ugly myself up so bros will stop trying to fist bump.

I don't know. If we're seeing Uggs, I gotta get in the bathroom. Holy shit, it's actually happening, right? Brits, you want to hop in here? No way. Brits, stop it, then. You can advise yourself. Oh my god.

This is my friend. Okay, they've done like a bunch of live shows. This is fucked up. And I kind of thought, like, what if I have to pee in the middle of a live show? You've got to make sure your friend's there. Jesus. Alright.

Okay, pressure's on. Woo. Pack your bags, move away. What? We're just going to keep doing yours? Alright. No, no, no. I don't care.

His question was boring. Yeah. I just wanted the best of Max. Alright. How do we answer? I've got to say this is kind of weird. Totally. Yeah.

Alright, Jacob Locker. What are you going to do when Justin gets back? He's just going to... Just sign and walk away. Yeah. Thank you, Jacob Locker. It's asked by Yalco. It's who sees your gin.

She has one percent. According to this, Yalco is a metric. Are you sad for someone on YouTube? Aw, poor kid. She has negative 47 points this week. She should find a different social media platform. Fuck, he's already back. This has been a pleasure, you guys.

See you later. Alright. Let's do it. Let's do it. Fast as fuck. Well, Adam in the West, what do you want to talk about with her? Do you want to... I'm not going to say I'm a man.

So, just to catch you up, we're doing a lot of answers. This one was said by Jacob Locker. It's asked by Yalco. It's who sees your gin. I only made some jokes about, like, she's not very good at counting the answers. And then everybody laughed. It was really... It was a really great moment.

Oh, my God. Is this, like, that bit in that thing you do? Or it's like, uh, it's really... Look at what this new guy... We did. We have it special. You dare into that thing you do, bitch? Gin asked,

What if my fiance gets an erection during our ceremony? I am 35 and my fiance is 38. Wait, hold on. Stop. Stop me right there. Why do their ages come into play in this question? Before we go on, I want to talk about erections and our ages. I thought I'm, like, 35 or just...

Just, uh, erection out. 33. I am 35 and my fiance is 38. Our wedding is set for October. Okay, here's the issue. I love that. I love that. Here's some groundwork.

Alright, now let's go. It's on the issue. Uh, he gets erections very easily. I am not complaining. Alright? I can't believe you have such a low Yahoo score. This is a very titillating question. Is there no wink?

No winky face? Uh, no. There's not. Uh, but I have to admit, it feels like I am dating a teenage boy sometimes. Even if he just holds my hand, he will often sport a notice of all erections. And it can be a little... So she's checking.

It's going out unavoidable. Uh, it can be a little awkward not to mention when he walks around the house, naked, sporting one. Okay, that live part was fucking unnecessary. I didn't even cut that out for you guys. Uh, I am just wondering, can I handle this at the wedding and reception? He is nervous, too. Any tips?

I am just worried when he gets... awkward. It can take a long time for it to go down. I am sure people will snicker and take pictures which will be like... Ha ha, what nice boner, Jerry! It's like, nice boner! It's like, I like to hurt everyone! I want to get a boner!

Idiot! Me not to see as boner! Jerry, you idiot! All I can think is like, it sounds like this is a pretty defining characteristic for this time. Yeah! You think anyone at the wedding is going to be surprised? I mean, I was like, oh, that's his bum, are you happy?

Yeah, yeah, we all know. His bum is super. You know, darling, I'm going to be honest, the ceremony wasn't perfect, but it felt like you. If he didn't get a bum, it would be like you were letting him in. It was your story. Your story wasn't, you look beautiful, and Jared had his bum, that's not rocking, the heart is gone.

His bum was hard. That's your dream. I thought it was so fun when you put a second cummerbund around her to make a change. But it doesn't matter. It didn't stop that. It's your dream. It's your heart. It's the surface of a bone, or it just rip right through that cummerbund.

I mean, you know, the least is loose. Your hair looked perfect. Your hair looked nice. It was vows. The vows and the bone are also, I didn't want to mention again, we all had a great time. Listen. Listen. You are going to kiss.

Assumably at the end of the ceremony there's a smooch, and like if touching hands. If fist bumping your wife is enough to take her bones out, like a smooch? Wait, hold on. There's a bigger problem here that this man needs to live his life like the boy in the bubble. Like he's facing a sense of death, and he's... upside down. You know what I mean?

Like maybe he just needs to live it home and quiet, and get married? He's getting married. Because he takes a very certain kind of person to look at a guy like that and say that's the one. Yes, forever. Yes, for ever. That's fantastic. Well, she's not complaining.

She's listening. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. All right, that's super, just awesome boner. Uh, yeah, that'd be rough, man. I don't really have any questions about horses. It's weird, right? It is weird. Does anyone here own a horse?

I want to talk about it. Does anyone here touch the horse? Dog pound? Dog pound? You haven't touched a horse? What's up dog pound? Tell us what horses feel like. Is that what we're doing? It's our new segment. What do horses feel like?

Okay, are you ready? I've been saving this one. I live in New York City, obviously. Because nobody would come from out of the city to see this show. Who came from an hour away? Oh, this is fun. This is a fun Bible camp. Who came from two hours away?

I think in New York, everything is two hours. Three hours? Three hours. Four? Three and a half, four? Five. Anybody five to four? How long do we make this a game?

Anyone six hours. Find me after the show. I'll give you one item from my wallet. I live in New York City and walk anywhere from 20 minutes to two hours a day. Thanks to my community. What kind of shoes I'm wearing? Socks or tights?

Bits of city grit in my shoes. Annoying me until I can find a discreet moment to clean them out. The worst is when I get stuck in a situation where it's not socially acceptable for hours on end to escape and rectify the situation. It happens most often with my dress shoes, so I'm frequently stuck in a work meeting or at a fancy event with bits of debris

making me nuts with every step. Does this happen to everyone? Is New York City just extra grimy? Am I just bad at wearing shoes? What can I do, help? And that's from Barefoot in Brooklyn. Are you here? Shit, are you okay?

Do you have shit in your shoes right now? I'll dump your shoe grit on our table. Let us examine this. We'll find an origin point for each one. Not you, but everybody else who lives in New York. Please raise your hand if this is an issue. No clap. People at home can't hear hands raise.

They're approximately 18 hands. So this is a thing. So this is a thing. You have come to the wrong place. I don't know. The only thing we worry about getting on our shoes is that, watch Virginia, it's like four-leaf clovers

or friendly smiles. I mean, it's a very different world. A myth. A myth. A myth. I feel like in New York, they could build on every other street corner

like a foot washing station. And then those would work for that express purpose for maybe four minutes. And then they themselves would be so covered in grip and small rocks that you would be unable to use them

for foot cleansing. This is great because I love an opportunity to come to a city and then talk shit about it. Y'all got dirty ass feet. I love it. I love it. Big Apple dreams. Probably dreams.

And gross ass feet. What are you doing? You wear boots and stuff just by the end of the day. It's like a small gravel playground. In your shoes. In your shoes. Don't know anything else to say about that.

I'm sorry. Move? Do you do a lot of foot scoops with your walking game? What are you doing? What's your game? Can you come down for a second? This is creepy in a way. Come on out.

Come down. Come down here. This is the actual. You're scooping stare degree. Okay. So just start over here and I'm going to see if I can figure out the problem. Okay. We have to explain to everybody at home

that she is wearing three foot tall shoes. You know what? It's the grit like throwing grappling hooks up your shoes. We must reach. Okay. So let me see. But I will say this.

A confident gay. Thank you so much. Okay. Mystery. Between these two. This one or this one? What are you more into? I would say the first one.

How about this one that was sent by Ira Ray? Do you want to do it again? No. Are you Ira Ray? That is so... Are we getting royalties from that dude? Not Ira Ray. The person who wrote the original song that nobody can remember the name.

James Ray? What's his name? Jimmy Ray. He is right there on the tip. He is in the song. This young dude named Mystery is asked by some of these fucking accountants that he did. I'm so sorry everybody.

They asked... Trampoline sex? With like... 12 question marks. It's been a blast to know. Is it safe to have sex on a trampoline? I have a friend who has tried it. Can I just say real quick this person

on the front row just shook her head and said no. No sir. That's fine but I want to make sure I really don't want the embarrassing increase. That's a good point. Because there's somebody getting something that is like I'm going in my trousers.

That's probably a blast to you. Your partner bounces up 12 feet. Not to mention... Can we all talk about like... Clap if you've been on a trampoline in the past year. Awesome lives you guys are living. The fabric of trampolines

is the worst when you bounce and you accidentally do a knee bounce and you come up and your knees don't... It's just bone. Can you imagine trying to like... Well people die on trampolines normally. That's without the introduction of

bit. I'm just talking about bit related injuries. There's so many springs. I think... I got a bit caught in one of them. I got a bit in a couple of springs. I was like no it's just the worst.

If I got a bit in that spring... I want to be dead. I would start like a lobbyist group to get trampolines banned from life. I used to be a comforting young man getting boners all the time. The plot

of Superman 7 is they got us on all the trampolines and he throws them into the sun. I'm sorry about your ruined bit. I feel like if you're having sex on a trampoline there is a chance that you get a rhythm going and be like wow this guy is great.

There's a chance you can balance it in an opportune moment and break it off. Top pounders I'm talking about. What? They fucked on a trampoline this morning. You know what a top pounder does? I need myself in the face on a trampoline

once in a while. I can understand why you wouldn't want to introduce X for me. So low. This was so low. We used to play games where you stand in a circle on the outside of the trampoline and you put a tennis ball in like a dodge tennis ball.

Can you somehow have sex while doing that? So I guess my question is why you do that? How are you guys doing? Are you guys alright? I forgot y'all were here. What else we got? We got anything else? It's time to wrap it up. Well we can do one more audience

question. There's got a super quick question. Anybody anything else? Top pounder. First off, this person is going to tell us what it feels like. What does it feel like?

You said you touched one. So smooth. Grab a seat there. What's your name? I would say Ghost Life. Your name is Ghost Life. What's your name? Pete. Pete, how's it going? I was wondering if I could get a picture

of all your Triforce tattoos. Triforce is going to take a shirt off, but otherwise... Which I am totally open to. Can we do that? Can we do that after the show? Or can we do it during the show? Let's take a vote. No.

After. I mean I could just pull a boob out. You were voting for after. Okay. Pete, did you have a query? Can you help me with that? Or was it just potassium? That's the biggest problem. You're at 99.9%

and only you can see my boob. I ain't going to picture with it important. Could I flip it on? What? Is it going to be Saturday? I already got my trampolines. Perfect.

You're going to be skilled today. Maybe just towards Justin. If you have a question for me, I have three kids. Oh, shit. That's your question. Is there anything that you would like to know? Give me the number one piece of pairing advice

that I can then steal re-appropriate because my brother and my brother mean brand and I want to be sure to steal. He's looking... So to be clear... One piece of pairing advice there would be like... Five words that is just like...

applicable? Now? I know it's... We're talking about babies being sexy. Number one piece of pairing advice. Pete... Give me. Yeah.

To be fair, Pete, you walked down the side of the chair. You sat in the chair, Pete, now you do your time. Pairing advice, Pete, give it to me. Don't even think about it. You're overthinking. They're not my problem. Yes!

Pete, yes! Pete, out! Out the eyes. I was worried that anybody would be able to ride through the occasion. Pete, fucking nail, doll pal, nice. Doll pal. What are you doing down there?

How old are the beers? They're still good. And then he revealed himself. He was the beer man. Pete's the hero on the show. Pete's the hero on the show. Valuable. Pete.

No question. Folks, we are done. I want to get a final question from Griffin, but first I want to thank the People's and Prop Theater. Thank you guys so much. It's been so fun. Thank you all.

Thank you guys for coming to our show. On your way out, make sure to stop by. We got a bunch of new merch specifically for the show. So make sure you check it out. It's the fucking service. Awesome patches, these button packs. The patch says fraternal order of brothers,

which is actually really funny. Thank you, I was very proud of it. Amongst all these buttons, there's some real big winners, but one is a picture of Griffin's face with I ate it all the potato chips under it. It's like the fucking birthday. Also, I ate Sad Lib's button,

so make sure to pick that one. It's a dry hog salad. Travis almost busted one out, but we were having trouble coming up with how to start the show. I was going to do a freestyle salad where I was starting to send this. It just lied.

I hate you, Ron, but you can wear it. Bumper stickers out there. My other horse is a horse. My other horse is a ghost, but we also got these awesome tote bags. And our posters are out there. There's nothing else. Stop buying and grab one of these postcards.

It's got a coupon code on the back that will give you 20% off if you buy the merch. I think you can only get these here. Only here. I'll give you a discount. Don't tweet that code. We'll also be out there after the show to meet and greet and sign things.

For like 45 seconds. All I want to ask is just keep it coming, people. I want to see all of you. That's all right. I want to thank John Laundry, and a lot of people who use my names. I have some parts out there.

I'm putting them in the bag. I almost made it. I've got to look at the last word. Why am I just fondling this banana? I've been fondling this banana for like 5 minutes. I want to say thank you to Solvones for everybody for coming.

Solvones? They're singing my show ever. They're giving us a home. Thank you. Thank you to everybody. Gryffin, last question. It was sent in by Meredith. It's by John who answers views.

My throat is so sore. I can't believe there's another fucking time. Mr. Gusty asks, does the movie Airbud paint an unrealistic picture of even the most athletic dog's potential? That's cool. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thanks.