My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 211: Mrs. Doubtfire 2

Episode Date: July 28, 2014

Has anyone ever noticed how Mark and Mrs. Doubtfire 2: The Person are never in the same room at the same time? I think something fishy might be going on. Suggested talking points: A Wondrous Opportunity, Cheezy Steve's, A Taste For Brando, Butt Bag, TGI Timeshare, Lava Myths, De-Deodorant, Over The Moon, Dueling Buffetts

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother and my brother mean advice show. For the Modren era, I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middlest brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. I'm really, really excited you guys. What's going on, Travis? Well, we get a lot of questions, you know, a lot of people asking for

help, which is great. I mean, that's what our show is built on. It's built adjacent to that. It's not. Built adjacent. It's help adjacent. This week, we got a really exciting email where a young gentleman is asking for help and it's going to financially benefit us. Oh, fantastic. I actually like the second thing better than the first thing. Yeah, he's a young man in Africa in Kenya, and he's having a bit of legal trouble. His father passed away in 2009. Oh, that's a shame. But he had in the bank $10 million. And all he needs is our bank account information so he can transfer that money in there. You had me at email. Just go for it. Send it right away. It's 464-464-4. Okay. Six. Go. I sent it rich. So I mean, we might be able to retire

from doing the show because we get to keep 40% of it. That's like $4 million. I am refreshing our simple transaction page. Just waiting for that money to come. We're at negative dollars. Oh, no. Transit conversion rates? You got to spend money. You got to spend money to make money. You know? That's right. This is an investment. I don't feel great about this. Well, he just, he has some trouble with his wicked stepmother and his uncle's legal team. So I'm sure he's just needing some money to help battle them and get their stuff back. And it's going to be fun. It's going to be great. We're going to be rolling. Did he provide a return email address that we can sort of correspond and just sort of check on like what the hiccup was? Because I know sometimes

like the wires get crossed. That's not just like an idiom. Sometimes the wires, when you wire money to people, get crossed. And then our 10 mil, was it 10 mil that we were getting? Well, we get to keep, we get to keep $4 million of it. Okay. How much were we supposed to, you didn't even tell me how much we were supposed to send over. I just did all of it. I just clicked the transfer all button. I think that sounds right. I think he just says like as much as you can. Why do they even have that button? Yeah, I don't know. It says transfer all to Canyon Prince. I want to give you, as well as we're updating, I want to give you guys a couple updates on my life. First is I chased my cat out of the litter box so I could shut her out of the office for recording soundproofing.

Terrific. And now I have locked myself in a stink prison. Yeah. Police in help, please. I'm dying. Second, ugh, second alert. I wanted to give everybody a quick pregnancy update via a message I found yesterday that I thought you all would enjoy. And I thought we could just stage a reading of this real quick. I was looking for no baby yet, looking for information about how people have There is a baby. There is a baby. It's not visible. Not a visible baby. Invisible baby. I found this brief forum exchange yesterday while I was cruising. There are three messages in the exchange so I figured we could just go meet Travis Griffin. You ready? Yeah, terrific. Nice, he says. I'm a 41 year old mother of four. Every woman's pregnancy are very much so different.

I would advise you all to let Mother Nature take its course. All the oils in different regimes may harm the baby. The safety of the baby is more important than trying to jump start labor on your own. Congratulations to you and good luck on your beautiful blessing. And then nice, he says again, we are the same age. Name and kids, congregations. And then Ashley says screw you. I'm 19. He's ready. He's just stuck. I'm going to induce. I'm 19. He's ready. He's just stuck. He's just stuck. We need to prime the cannon. Blast that baby on it. I love that Ashley throws in the age. I'm 19. So I'm a worldwide woman. I know that he's just stuck. He's just stuck. I'm 19. I'm not some kid. All right. I'm just as a child. Screw you. I'm 19. I can tell when a baby's stuck in my gully

works. All right. So that's where I'm at. Anyway, those are our problems but we don't need to stress you out about those. I, once again, just to check in, have no problems. No problems still on the griffin front. So let's help our listeners. Hey, brothers, I have a question. Sometimes my friends and I will go to bars or restaurants. Like cool people. Like cool people, a place to hang out and have fun like you do. Problem is, oh my God, the smell. The problem is one of my friends will often come along and then not order anything. I feel like this is rather rude to the establishment. Am I being weird and should just let it go? If not, what should I do? That's from Empty Cheers and Davis Ka. I think that's Kalorado. Kalorado. I, man, you can, I worry so much about myself

fucking up accidentally without meaning to all of the time that if I extended that service to everybody in my immediate vicinity, I don't know why I'm speaking in the hypothetical sense right now because I do definitely do that and it kills me. It's killing me. It's killing me. Do you know what's especially bad? Like if you have a bar that you, like, so for example, in Cincinnati we go to Arnold's all the time. It's like our theater bar. It's where we hang out. And so like if a new person went and did something that I would think of as rude, like it would be so much more embarrassing because it's like, hey, this is our place. Could you just be cool for two seconds and order some cheesy fries?

They know us here. Just be cool for five seconds. Can you just order a hot brown, please? Just get a hot Dubin, please, for the love of Jesus. I feel like the, the, if you're just taking up a seat though at like a table with friends, and that's not really that big of an issue. I mean, just not ordering something, right? I mean, the only person who's going to be aware of that is the server, if they're coming to the table. And I don't know. That has to be mixed with some relief that they don't have to do more work, right?

Well, I guess the question is, is it the same friend more than once? You know, if like Tom always just sits there when you go to... Thrifty Reggie. Yeah. Thrifty Reggie just sits there at Cheesy Steves and doesn't order the cheesy fries ever. No. And if you go to Cheesy Steves, you have to. I mean, it's basically a mandate. You know what? It's the only thing on the menu. Can I have a water? No. No, you can't have a water. I can blend down some cheesy fries for you.

I guess. Do we even have a blend? No, we don't. We just have a blend. They do a beer like a French onion soup and there's just like bread and cheese floating on top. That's it. We have a deep fat fryer and we got the cheese blaster. And that's the only two instruments we got back. We don't even have glasses. We don't have glass in the windows. This is a shitty place.

I don't know why people keep coming here. Yeah. Man, I wouldn't... There are so many... I always think of it like you... There are so many worst things that you could do at a restaurant. You could like... I was talking to a guy the other day about playing D&D here in Austin. Like where you find a group to do it, like where you find neutral ground to play it with strangers. He told me he used to play with a group that used to go to a pizza place near our house and they would just post up in the pizza place and play through like three hours of a campaign.

And I was like, how were they fucking cool with that? Like because you... Those nerds are gonna, you know, chomp down, but they're not gonna chomp down for three straight hours. Well, here's how you're fucking cool with that. If you show up between like two and five, you're fine. If you order enough to justify being there, you're fine. And then if you tip really well, you're fine. Like that's the thing.

If you think about being there for three hours, the amount of opportunities they have to come over and like refill your drinks and like check on you and everything, you have to tip like 30, 35 percent. But eventually you don't think the cashier is just like, I'm fucking sick of looking at these people. Juicy UK, did you pass out? Oh shit. Hey.

Hey, what happened? I had to go empty out the litter box. Oh my god, you actually did it. Obama called and he said FEMA was gonna have to start issuing housing vouchers to my neighbors. If I didn't contain it. Do you guys want a yahoo? Of course.

This yahoo is sent in by Drew Davenport. Thank you, Drew. He has a lot of honorifics. You know, some people are starting to get real jealous of Drew Davenport. Well, guys, his game is super on point. I wish Drew could do, would Drew be comfortable with going to our Facebook page and just sharing some of his secrets? I don't think he will.

I love Drew Davenport. I think he is protecting his secrets the same way that Lex Luthor protects his. Protects his. The location of the script tonight. Let me just, I'll just do that for you and fill that in. That worked, that worked great. Drew Davenport, thank you. Is asked by yahoo answers user Sophie who asks,

is it weird? I prefer this type of acting. My friends, like the whole Hayden Christiansen lightsaber fighting, jumping about trying to be cool and intimidating. Yet, I prefer the Marlon Brando godfather. I think Brando sat in the big chair is so much cooler and I find it intimidating as well. I mean, who is the better actor Hayden Christiansen or Marlon Brando? Oh, taking a bold stance.

Is it, is it, is it weird that I prefer Marlon Brando to Hayden Christiansen? Now, I know he's a little indie little known actor that not a lot of people have heard of, but I think that that Marlon Brando's got chops. I guess, but does he have Hayden Christiansen chops? Listen, who does? I'm just saying like it doesn't even, like you got to scale it different. You know what I mean? Like Brando is the best of like the Brandos.

You know what I mean? Is he going to be able to break into the like Christiansen levels? No, of course not. Christiansen strata. Yeah, no, that's tough. But what he does with what he's got is very impressive. He, I guess I look forward to his new stuff. Yeah, yeah.

He'll never hit that Orlando Bloom echelon. Right? Oh, God, no. Yeah. He's clearly not going to bloom. He's never going to Christiansen. That's a, I mean, I'm, I have an internal debate that I argue about with myself every day of Christiansen or bloom.

Brando doesn't even fucking factor into the equation. You know who the wild card is? The wild card is you and McGregor, because he, I think he can straddle, but he does the lightsaber fights like, so he's hitting that level. And he's a steer. He's a big fishin. And he's big fishin. You know what I mean?

He's big fishin. The problem is what sort of muddies these waters is that the big fish live in. Go on. The big fish live in is that Marlon Brando was so good in Star Wars. You know, who will ever forget that classic scene of him standing in the reins of indoor in his white wife beater and his face twists up in anguish and just shouting, Star Wars. I'll never forget that scene. I liked it.

Star Wars when his giant floating head appeared to Luke and said, I am your father. I like to check check out this fortress of solitude I made for you. I thought, whoa, wait a minute. Wait, huh? There are some unexpected cross over here. I thought it was weird when for like just like it jumped from like a lightsaber fight in the middle of the Death Star. And then inexplicably, he was an old man and he died.

He died in a garden while his grandson watched him die. And then his grandson grew up to be Boba Fett. I love that one scene where he's just flopping around with his big silly head and he's like, Mesa could have been a contender. Uh-huh. Yeah, that was a good one too. Oh man. But how does he stack up to hate?

There's a reason he wasn't young Vader, you know, because like he did he whenever cast I don't know if you guys know about how big Hollywood works and Travis, I guess you should learn about this since you're about to be a fucking cog in that horrible machine. But casting directors, when they cast parts, they're basically ranking who the best actor is, right? So if if Marlon Brando had been better than Hidden Christians, he would have been young Vader. He would have been grown up Anakin.

He would have been fucking necking with Natalie Portman. I have a question though Griffin. How do they do, if one actor is the best actor, they call them first, right? In the ranking systems. How do they decide which part to fill? How do you make the system so that the best actor doesn't get all the parts? You go top down. Is that what happened?

Well, that's what I'm saying. Some casting directors get creative about it. For instance, the nutty professor, they said, how can we fucking choose? He would slot into any of these parts perfectly. We have a lot of people on retainer that we could get, but is our, tell me, I'm going to meet with our CGI team and see what they can do. And then the CGI team was like, of course we can multiply him. Multiplicity, same thing.

Same deal. It was not supposed to be Michael Keaton in all of those roles, which is confusing because it's supposed to be clones, right? But the CGI tech wasn't good enough back then. It was originally going to be Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney. I think that's what happened in the social network, right? He's like, they hired two dudes to play the twins. And then they said, oh my God, Armie Hammer, he's the greatest actor of our generation.

We're going to clone him. That's what's great. They didn't do that in the CGI. The CGI wasn't good enough for their standards. So if you actually watch the movie, if you pause it and jump forward like a frame at a time, you can tell it's actually, that's just one shot, right? And Armie Hammer is just moving very quickly. Oh, yeah.

He's just, because a film is displayed in 60 frames per second. So he is 120 times per second moving to the left and right. And it's just him. If you look at his special skills sheet under his resume on the back of his headshot, it's like juggling some Spanish hyper-frame shifting. Yeah, face-depping. Un-rangering. Face-stepping.

And he draws a picture of like a lightning bolt next to it on every resume. Just to heighten it, I guess, or to make it seem more special. Shall I push the smiley face stickers on there? No, yeah. I'm a super good actor. A number one. And then he puts a scratch instead of a sticker that smells like he does. I will come to set every day, guarantee.

The Armie Hammer guarantee is that I will smell like this every day. This is my agent, Armie Hammer. How about another question? I feel like we did really good on that one. Hey, brothers. So I'll get straight to the point. I've been dating this guy. I was friends with him for about three months now.

Nothing official yet. Anyways, while on date, he randomly brings up a gift bag with a handmade purse made for me. It's one of those jean bags you make out of cutting the legs off of some jeans. It's super sweet. I really appreciate the sentiment. Is it really my style? So the question is, when would be an appropriate situation to use the bag thanks so much?

Huge fan muddled in makeup. I think when you need to transport a disembodied butt, that would be a good place to put that. I love that. When I read this question going through the emails for some reason, now it makes sense to me that you cut the legs off all the way like at, you know, the hip. So it just forms the back. You dumb bastard.

I was trying cutting it like George. And so like you could put like stuff in one leg or in the other one. Yeah. Which leg do I keep my my chap stick in? Maybe the high. I bet the punctuation on this is after he gave her the back, he stood up to reveal that he was just wearing jean chaps. Is it possible you were friends with him?

Is it possible he's fucking with you? I mean, and he was like, I know this isn't your style. Like he knew it wasn't your style. And he was like, oh, this is ironic. This is funny because she wouldn't normally carry this kind of thing. I'm going to give it to her and see how she reacts. I think she probably laugh about it. She probably saw like a, he probably saw like a BuzzFeed post of like easy craft

gifts that you can make for a new girlfriend. And then for some reason, the demented author of that terrible post wrote cut, make a purse, make a butt purse. That's what it is. It's a butt. I don't want to mince words. It's a butt purse. It's a butt purse in a thing that butts go in typically.

Listen, I, if you're really serious about this fella, I think you need to adjust your style because there is no guarantee that you're not going to keep receiving handmade gene gifts. Yeah. A lot of, you know, there are a lot of ladies out there that would just go crazy for some handmade gene gifts. No, no, Justin, I, I'm going to disagree with you slightly. And that I'm going to disagree with you completely.

Okay. So not like a little bit, like the, Yeah, like a hundred percent, 180. Hold and chill out. One direction, two directions. And I think that that's this early on in the really, they've only been going out three months. I think that this is kind of a scatter shot approach to see what she likes.

And, and it's an opportunity to be like, okay, gave her the purse. She's not using that. Okay. So I'll scratch that off. That's a weird, some scented oils. That's a weird baseline. When you're trying to like figure out what your new lover loves, you start with a butt bag.

No, no. It is a huge jump. You should work backwards. It's like if you play guess who, and it's like, do they look like they're hiding some sadness? And that's like your first question to guess who, not are they a man or woman? Do they have glasses?

Well, but imagine, okay, if you say, do they have glasses? And the answer is yes, which by the way, who the fuck picks someone with glasses for that very risk? But if the answer is yes, you've just narrowed it down. If you give butt purse and she's like, I love the butt purse. I love butt purse. You know everything about that person. Me either in one.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a good point trap. It's a, listen, it's a risky gambit. I know that. Yeah. But if it lands, if it lands, you're set. You are set. Butt purse is for life.

Is it possible that this person has a like a blossom fetish? Hey, why don't you wear this floppy hat tonight? Just wear this. I'm going to also wear a weird hat. I'm going to talk very fast. And we are going to make love. Whoa. I don't know, man.

Can you use it for like, maybe like a diaper bag in the far future? That might be okay. Because that's kind of like putting butts in a bag. You could use it for like if you go on a trip and you want to like have stuff in the car. So like he'll see it, but no one else ever will. You could use it somewhere where you think there's a high probability of being mugged. Yeah.

Give me everything in the bag. No, please. Let me simplify this for you. Take my heart, take my legs. It's not my, not my special butt bag for my lover. It could be a theft deterrent or it's like, give me your purse. Wait. No, never mind.

Bye. Okay. Fine. All right. Fine. You win. I'll just take all the things inside the bag and you can keep. Uh, you, I got a lot of stuff in here.

You only got two hands. That's going to be a lot more convenient. Just take the bag. Just take the bag. Please take the bag. I guess you could call it a fanny pack. Oh, good. Just just what this bit needed, Travis.

A fanny pack. Start again. I've lost. Okay. So like he's saying- My coworkers are constantly going out to eat for lunch. I try not to usually do to costs and health reasons, but they aren't, but they are always offering to pay or seeming super disappointed when I turn them down.

While I appreciate their generosity, the guilt I'm saddled with after receiving a lot of free meals isn't exactly pleasant either. And I often can't afford to pay for a meal in return. How do I mitigate this situation? My wallet, conscience, and waistline are all on the line here, and that's from Treated in Tucky. That's good.

I like that. Tell them to fucking- Why does somebody care so much about what you're eating all the time? You have to go. But they feel guilty. They don't want to have to- Listen, they don't want to get free rides from their coworkers. That's uncomfortable.

I get that. But they also don't want to fucking pay for bottomless apps at TGI Fridays every fucking day of their life. Okay, but what it sounds like to me is that idea of them like saying, whoopee, come on, is that they see it as a very social like team building thing, and like they don't want you to feel left out. They're trying to like make you feel included, whereas you're looking at like, no, I'm happy to hang out.

I just don't want to go out to eat every day, which makes total sense to me. This sounds to me suspiciously like a free introductory offer. I feel like you're going to get there, enjoy some like bottomless French onion soup or something. And then at the end, they think, boy, it wasn't as fun. We're happy to pay this time, but I feel like we can really keep these good times going. If we could just get you to commit to six meals per month and get on this time share at TGI-

This TGI Fridays time share with us, then we think that this could really be the start of something big. Two weeks out of every year, this appetizer plate could be yours. This could be your own plate. The other 50 weeks, people are going to touch it. And that's not great. I'll be honest. I don't love that part of the arrangement.

Can you brown bag it every day, but make it look special? Ooh, ooh, tell them like a sick family member made like, my nanny made me, I can't say nanny. My nana made me like the sandwich that I feel so guilty. My adult nanny, my adult babysitter, made this for me. She's very sick. Poppins would be really disappointed. That's going to work for a week, Traff.

That's not a long-term solution. Because after four months, they're like, yeah, nanny, my adult babysitter is still pretty sick. Then you have to dress up as the babysitter and come into work and be like, he doesn't want to go out to lunch with you. Michael, I can't help but notice why special lunch remains un-eaten here. Oh, man. Can you go to the, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

You go to the bathroom. You dress up as your adult nanny, Mrs. Doubtfire too. And then you carry a brown bag lunch in and put it on your desk and maybe loudly announce, oh, I was so delighted to make this. I sure hope Michael enjoys it today. Lunch, lunch time for my little piggy. Where is that sweet piggy? I never seem to see him around.

Have you ever noticed how you never see us in the same place at the same time? Well, I need to go shit. I'm going to go shit for five minutes. Some bad Mexican food at that restaurant. You're always trying to get Michael to go to. You might expect me to leave at the front door. I ate there once in 1987 and haven't stopped shitting since. Goodbye.

I'm going to go climb out the bathroom window. Have you guys ever noticed how Michael's adult nanny, Mrs. Doubtfire too, seems to only enter an exit. There's only via the men's bathroom. I just went in the men's bathroom. I just saw her clothes lying on the ground. I think she shit herself out of her body. Is this the start of left behind?

How's Mrs. Doubtfire too been raptured? Oh, man. I think that'll work. Yep. I know we were joking, but now I'm like ruminating on it. And I think that'll actually be great. It makes a lot of sense. Should we go to the money zone?

I want to, yes. Listen, you tried Hulu on your computer. Everybody has. Check out this crazy video. You won't believe it. It's on Hulu. But Hulu Plus is like that, but better. They've got all the current season episodes of your favorite shows like

Modern Family, The Daily Show, all that good stuff. And they've got some series every episode like South Park. And it's just exclusively available through Hulu Plus every episode of South Park, believe it or not. There's tons of ways you can watch Hulu Plus. There's Apple TV, Roku on your smart TV, whatever, however you want to do it. What's awesome is they have new stuff and they also have tons of like old shows that you're not going to find anywhere else.

I'm really excited because they have a show called The Super Sizers Go that Theresa and I just love. And for a long time, we couldn't find it anywhere. Oh, did they add that? It's on Hulu Plus. They have episodes of QI with Steven. Oh, shit. Yeah, they have pen and tellers bullshit like every episode.

It's really amazing. So it's not only worth it to keep up with the new stuff, but you're going to find stuff on there that you're not going to find anywhere else. They also got original stuff. They got there's a new season of The Awesomes, the cartoon from Seth Meyers. You might have know him from late night television. They have all 10 episodes of the first season so you can get prepped for that new joint on August 4th.

Listen, this is $8 a month. And that is very, very reasonable for the amount of stuff you're getting. But we can give you a two week free trial. Just go to HuluPlus.com slash my brother, HuluPlus.com slash my brother. I can't stress enough. It's important that you use that code because that says like, hey, you should give me my brother means worth it. Yeah, they'll keep giving us money also.

Which is what I'll be honest. That's what I like. I like that part. I like money too. And if you want money, you know the best way to get it? Coding. That's right. Coding has become the most desired job skill of 2014.

Man, do you mean coding like you would put something onto something covered in chocolate? No, coding like bits and bytes and boops and bleeps. Coding. And the easiest way to learn coding, in our opinion, my opinion, is one month HTML. It's the easiest way to learn to build websites. What you do is you guarantee them 30 minutes a day for 30 days. And you know what?

Most of the lessons aren't, you don't even have to do 30 minutes. Justin, you've been doing it. I have. I'm halfway through one month HTML. You have an actual website built day one. You build something. Are you going to have to drop that URL on the air? Yes.

Oh, yes. Thank you, Griffith. If you go to JustinMcRoy.net, you will be able to see my personal website that I built with one month HTML. It's got everything. It's got photos. It's got video. It's got links.

It's like the Hayden Christensen of websites. It's got fun flash games for children. It's got everything. And there's a community of 12,000 people, other students learning online. You know, the cool thing, I finished this project, this website, and I sent it, you know, it is a correspondence course,

but you do get a lot of feedback. I sent in my website and they actually sent back like a five minute long video where they just sort of walked through my code and made some suggestions for things that I could tweak and fix. That's awesome. Yeah. It's incredible.

And they've got a lot of other courses. They've got one month rails and other. That's the one I'm going to dip into that, I think. Yeah. And Ruby on Rails and a lot of other stuff. You can go to onemonth.com slash my brother and get 25% off of one of these courses. That's a pretty great deal.

So one month HTML, 30 minutes a day for 30 days, and you will learn one of these programming languages and you will be a lot more valuable as an employee. And you get a one time 25% discount on your class if you go to onemonth.com slash my brother. Justin, I have to warn you, unless that I learned the other day, don't ever tweet about what you think about a coding language.

Because I tweeted about PHP and how confusing I thought it was. I started a fucking firestorm. I did not know that, I mean, apparently coding languages are the new like Sega and Nintendo argument from the early 90s. Really? A lot of people want to weigh in on that. A lot of people are like, yeah, PHP is dirt. A lot of people are like, oh, my dad is made out of PHP.

Like it got fucking real in my Twitter feed. Hypothetically, is there a video or a website one could go to to find out what any of this means? Let me just say someone were really bad at internetting, right? No, I think that's what one month is. You start from the scratch. I have to go to there. Yeah.

I have a message for Samuel Kay from Mallory who says, it's not your birthday, but I didn't want to wait six goddamn months to wish you a good one. Here's just a many more let's plays and anime podcasts, sorry, together in the coming years and rest assured in the very distant future, when you finally kick the bucket, I'll skin you where you like a coat and play an elaborately cruel prank on your loved ones. Hail Satan.

Everything about this makes this one of the top 10 money's own spots we've ever had. Yeah, no, that's really good. And I tell you why she has a very comprehensive plan for Samuel for his whole life. And that's a true friend right there. I also love that when people can't wait to give us money. I can't, you know, she's going to come right back around. That's the thing about money's own like the first taste, you know, and it's like, you get a taste for it.

You won't even have anything to say like that dude last week who was like, hit me up on my Moby. It was like, I don't actually want to say this. I just want to keep giving the McRoy brothers money. Can you stop, can you not edit the greatest money's own message ever, please? What was it? Thanks for viving it and keeping it tight. If you need me, I'm on my mobile.

That is the mark top. I got it. I got to say, Mallory, you came, you came awfully close. So let's see events that longer can dethrone. And I got a message for, I want to make sure I get this right. Alicia Longa. Okay. So they're obviously related some fashion.

Let's dig. Let's crack this mystery with the next sentence right below. Happy dirty 30, my lovely wife. You got me a Vita for my B-day. So I got the brothers McRoy to say happy B-day to you on our favorite podcast, which I feel is better than last year's evening at medieval times. Disagree. Incorrect.

Medieval times is the greatest restaurant that's ever existed. Here's to another awesome year. And remember, just because it's your birthday doesn't mean you can put your finger in my belly button hole. Gross. That's happy bidet. Happy bidet. Don't put your finger in there.

It's where like all of your parasites go to chill. It's like a hot tub for your body's billion parasites. So maybe just think about that. Congratulations on the Vita though. So it's a nice little platform. Why don't you guys go to medieval times? If there's a medieval times close to you, you should be there every day supporting the green night.

Yeah, you're a green night, man. Oh God, all day long, all day every day. It's the only sport I care about. If they televised medieval times. Basically the only thing I want to do with my life is go to medieval times since it's never happened. You've never been? When I say that sometimes and people think that it's like when I said it,

I really wanted to go to the Jekyll and Hyde Club in New York and everybody thought like, oh, how fun and ironic. Like, no, you don't know me at all. You don't get it. You don't get me. God, when we do our live shows, we have to go to one of our medieval times. Can we rent out the whole medieval time? And will they let us night?

Can we night it up? I don't want to, I don't want to night. Yes, you do. Look deep within yourself. I was just googling green night because I thought it was the name of the Martin Lawrence film. But no, of course that was Black Knight was the name of that film. And I fucked that up. I fucked that up right proper.

Yeah, not a good, not good work there. This is Ben. And I'm Teresa. And we host a show called One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting. Not a parenting podcast. Guess what? We both just had babies. Again.

Check out the show. Enjoy by breeders and ballers alike on iTunes or MaximumFun.org. Well, listen, guys, how about another Yahoo? I feel like we've only had one episode. You feel like that because we did. But this Yahoo is sent in by level 466. Yahoo, Shaman, Drew Davenport. Thank you, Drew Davenport.

Can we just start calling them Yadruz? Yadruz. If there's not, if it's not from, as long as it's from Drew, let's just call them Yadruz. Okay, this Yadru was asked by Yahoo answers user Leia, who asks. Oh, fuck. Is Lava real? I've just finished watching the film Shrek. And there was a scene in the movie where there was a dragon and Lava.

And I was just wondering if you can get Lava in real life also or Shrek slash Ogre's real. Cool. Okay, this isn't a crazy question. Lava does seem very weird. Yeah, let me ask both of you. Y'all ever seen Lava? I have not. I have not seen Lava.

Travis? I've seen it unlike the TV. Oh, fuck, no. Okay, have you felt its radiant heat? No. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Could be Hollywood bullshit. No, Graven, to be fair, there's lots of things I've never seen in real life.

Hmm. But Lava seems kind of fantastical, right? They say it's rock. I ain't never seen a fucking rock move like that. It's a plasma, isn't it? It falls, it falls within that category. I think it's a plasmoid. It's a plasmid.

It's a plasmid. Yeah, it is a plasmid. There are times where I'll get confused on issues like this. I will sometimes forget and please don't make fun, but I will sometimes forget if unicorns are real or not. Not to say that there are unicorns today, but I will sometimes have brief moments where I try to remember if that is a historical animal that is no longer extant or if it is, you know.

Now, Justin, in your defense, here's the thing. Fantastic. A horse with a horn on its head versus a giant, like 40 foot tall dinosaur with giant sharp teeth and huge. It's like, which one's a little bit more believable that it actually existed? Yeah, we have horses with horns on their head. They're called deer and moose. Yeah, that's very believable to me,

but that's what's always crazy if I might lay my cards on the table. People, dinosaurs totally accept it. You talk about dragons and everyone's like, this guy in dragons. Yeah, guess what a pterodactyl was? A fucking dragon. It's a dragon. Yeah, it's a fucking dragon.

I like narwhals. Like, narwhals are whales with unicorn horns. Why is it so preposterous to think that unicorns may have been around? Yeah. A bigfoot is just like a gorilla person. Yeah, that can happen. A super hairy dude loses his fucking mind and wanders into the forest. What's up?

That's a bigfoot. I don't give a fuck what you want to call it. Now it's a big, now you are a bigfoot. He's a long-nosed monster. He was a plesiosaurus. He had a super tall goat that only has the one horn. I don't care what the fuck you, like, scientifically, that's a phylum kuri gangan.

No, that's a fucking unicorn. I don't need, I don't need to, like, spice its fucking DNA. And be like, oh, that G and C are next to that A, so that's not a unicorn. That's clear of the goat phylum. No, that's a- You know, there's a fish with arms. Yeah.

That's a mermaid, guys. Yeah, that is a mermaid. I mean, like, alligator, basically. Is a mermaid. Have you ever seen an okopi? Yeah. Okopi? Yeah.

It looks like two animals put together. That right there is a griffin, my man. That's a griffin. So, deal with that. But fucking liquid hot rocks? No way. No, that's unbelievable. That's crazy.

Kai, I've seen rocks before. They're hard and cold. They're super, super hard. And cold. I gotta- Sometimes they're liquid and really hot? Sorry. Next year, buddy.

I went over to a buddy of mine, his house. He made a hot rock out of, like, a big old smooth rock, and he put it on some rock salt and put that in the oven, and then we cooked wagyu beef on it. And what the weirdest thing is, when that rock came out of the oven, it wasn't a liquid. What?

You know, I've gone down in the caves before. I don't know what they are. Cold. They're super cold in there. It's weird. You go down into the earth, it's cold. It's almost like heat rises. Griffin put a-

Ok, if you want to get something- Griffin put a rock into the hottest thing that there is, because if you want to get something hot, there's only one thing you turn to. So nothing can get anything hotter than an oven. Yeah, they used to call it a microwave, because it's called a microwave oven. They used to just call it a hotter,

because that's what it does. The hottest way you can hot something is that. So we heated that, and then you put a rock in there, and it didn't melt. So I don't know, you tell me where we're at. Science? It's weird. You think you're hot shit?

You know what's hot shit? The oven. The oven is hot, ok? So let's take- Let's talk about Mike Myers for a second. Ok? He's kind of let himself go, right? And at that point, like, I know it was a movie role,

and it was Hollywood magic. And then that movie wasn't technically live action. Technically, like, there were human voices behind it. Fine, whatever. They looked human enough to me. At what point does Mike Myers stop being Mike Myers and start being trick, you know? He's done fucking nine of those now.

He has spent- Listen, the amount of time that goes in to recording those movies, he has spent more time being trick than he has not being trick, right? From what I've read on Buzzfeed, he's really hard to work with. So I guess you could say he's a bit of an ogre.

Yeah. Food forethought. Why doesn't Mike Myers do movies anymore? Because he's an ogre. He's an ogre. He's big and green. He only likes, like, playing with earwax and stuff. It's been a while since I've seen the trick films.

Mike, we're big fans. Mike, I love your work. Thank you for listening. Please don't eat my bones. Also, I've seen the trailer of Love Guru like 30 times. Yeah. Can't bring myself to watch the movie, but I'm obsessed with it.

It's a shame, right? It's his last human movie. You can already see the transformation beginning. They try to cover it up with prosthetics, but no. No, he got- Can't hide his nature. He's got little wiggly funnels up there. I work at a small local restaurant.

One of my coworkers doesn't wear deodorant. He says that he doesn't want all those chemicals in his body. And I don't want to smell like a maw. I want to smell like a maw. I don't want to smell like a maw. A maw. Oh, does he mean like Hollister and like Abercrombie and they lack this? Right.

Okay. Brands and commercialism, right? He wants to smell like a man. Like duty. Like a dirt man. Like a duty man. His body odor gets pretty bad. Yeah, I think that's connected.

And I'm pretty sure customers notice. How do I help him realize that he needs to stop trying to pull off the McConaughey and utilize some smell goods? That's from smelling bad in San Antonio. Okay. Let me just wait. I just realized something.

I didn't realize it's putting together. But do you ever notice that sometimes without meaning to, we have like theme episodes. And this is the third question about a restaurant. That is a restaurant life. We got a lot of restaurant questions. Can I just get out in front of this and say I get it? And like I've known people who did not use deodorant

because maybe they have like super sensitive skin down there. Notices using the past tense, by the way folks. I have a friend here in Austin who doesn't wear it just because they're not super crazy about having a bunch of chemicals in it. They have sensitive skin. I get it. I got sensitive skin.

I only have like one or two brands of deodorant. I found it doesn't like just like blow my shit up down there or in there, I should say. I totally get it. And I think that there are people who get away with it. Like my friend doesn't stink. He doesn't. You know.

He just doesn't produce a lot of smell down there. But if you work in a fucking restaurant. Like I think that's, I'm willing to give you credit. Like do what you want, chase your bliss. But if you work in a restaurant, a place that like it isn't kind of important that you, like you at least at the very minimum don't affect the smell in the room.

They are smell neutral. You got to be a zero smell on the pH scale. Yeah, that's a non-starter guys. Ooh, I just had a million dollar idea. Okay. Deodorant that smells like food. Oh my god. So rather than you smell like,

yeah, rather than smell like a mall, you smell like a food court. Justin. Check out my cinnamon pits. Justin, when he hit puberty before us, I remember this very distinctly. I had many occasions to smell Justin's armpits and I think it was, he used to do the thing

where he'd put his fingers in his armpits and then like put them in my face to make me smell them. And I always thought they, I always thought they smelled like ketchup. That's not a joke. I remember Justin's pits smelling like exactly like high or McDonald's like that should be ketchup. Justin once convinced me that in place of deodorant,

you could rub orange peels in your armpit. Oh, Justin. And that shit burns. It hurts. You know, I've never thought about this, but Justin, you owe me like a hundred apologies for the terrible, terrible thing that you did to me. I'm very sorry.

Does that count? Now here's the thing. I have a perfect, like a really great solution for this. Are you ready? Mm-hmm. You make this person, make this man, some homemade, natural deodorant as a gift. Work really hard on it and make it special

and put a bow on it. Here's a quick recipe. Three tablespoons coconut oil, three tablespoons baking soda, two tablespoons shea butter, two tablespoons arrowroot, essential oils. Mix it on up. And there's like some stove stuff here,

but you can Google it or whatever. And then make him some natural deodorant as a gift, gift deodorant, and put like a brand, make a fake label, like Jerry's natural, I'm assuming his name is Jerry, Jerry's natural stick. To not smell like duty, man. Jerry's special do not get fired ointment. Jerry's special, the customers are gagging bar.

Yeah. That's the thing, like griffin, you're absolutely, because the friends I have that don't, they're very outdoorsy. They're very beachy. They live, you know, they spend a lot of time rock climbing and hiking through the woods. And ain't that some shit?

Ain't that like that friend of mine is like kind of outdoorsy and like was camping and shit like that. And then he doesn't stink. And then I go see like an outdoor theater production and I fucking like smell like dog shit afterwards. Do you think it's like the people who are really protective of their kids and keep them away from germs? So like their immune system is really weak.

And like that's the thing. We're making our smell immune system really weak by putting on deodorant. And if you just embrace it, you become very protective. You're very defended against smell. I'm going to do this. I'm going to go off it. And I'm going to write a memoir about that gear

that I went without deodorant. Eat, pray, stink. No, it's just going to be called my stinky year. And it's going to be a New York Times bestseller. Watch out, Elizabeth Gilbert. Who's that? Oh man, my book got bumped from number one. Who did it?

My stinky year by Griffin McElroy. I never should have inspired him to chase his dreams. Too bad you did. Stinky dreams. You inspired me deeply. I just graduated college and I'm home for the summers and search for jobs. So I was wondering what the proper protocol is

for asking people on dates when I know I'll be leaving town in the fall. Is it weird if I start seeing people who are also still in college? That's from New Prospects and New Hampshire. The second thing, no, that's no. No, it's totally fine. The first thing, I think that the key is being up front.

Why spend three months living like a monk just because you know you've got to get like, yeah, take someone out on a date. You're not proposing marriage. You know what I mean? And can I tell you something? That is like, for a lot of people, especially people who are in college,

that is going to be like a refreshingly liberating way to approach it. Like, listen, let's just get some practice in here. And keep each other company. You want to just have a good time with no expectations for the future and not trying to solve this shit? Do not say, do you want to have a good time? No, no.

Not at all. Not at all. Not at all. But I'm saying that that is the implication of the thing is like, you're just going to hang out and enjoy each other's company and it's cool. The great thing is that if you know that there's an expiration date on the relationship,

you're going to get out there and you're going to make the most of the time you have together as a couple. You know, so many couples spend days eiling away in front of the TV, but you're going to get out there, you know? You two will go skydiving. You could go Rocky Mountain. Oh, Jesus, this every time.

You could go 2.7 seconds on a bullman named Flu Manchu. Yeah. What I'm suggesting is to date like you were moving. Yeah. Can I bounce just a quick devil's advocate off the two of you, though? Uh-huh. What if it's love?

Well, then it solves itself, right? Does it? Well, because here's the thing, if it's love, then do you really want to run the risk of not finding it? Oh, fuck, that's a good point, Travis. That's a good point, Travis. Thank you. I haven't watched the trailers for this Fault in Our Stars

movie very closely, but I think this is about the same thing. Yeah, it's about two people who are moving. Two people who are moving and they decide to date each other even though they know they're moving. And it seems like, I mean, even if it doesn't pan out, you're still going to make a lot of green. It seems like those people are just raking in the dead. Oh, they're doing very, very good.

Yeah, they're doing very well. So maybe try that. I think she's like training to be an astronaut or something because she's got that oxygen tank. Yeah, she's going to the moon. And then she's just over the moon about this new fellow. Uh-huh. They should have called the movie over the moon.

If, I mean, if we're dealing with astronaut stuff, then typically you want to get some sort of space reference in there, but. Oh, stars. Yeah. Sorry, stars. Yeah, that's actually why she's going to. I just heard from the president.

The sun is, the sun's all fucked up. The sun's all fucked up and I have to go to space to fix it. There's a fault. Now, are you saying, yes, yes, Dr. Mitchelson, there's a fault in our stars. Oh, man. But also I'm dating this new guy, so we're going to see how that goes.

So maybe I'll go fix it. Maybe I won't. But then at the end, spoiler, she does go. We actually just described the exact plot of the Danny Boyle film, Sunshine. They made that was exactly what we just, the sun's all fucked up. We better fire ship in it. You're welcome, Earth.

And Armageddon, right? Yeah, I mean, it's pretty good. I think that's saying that what's the movie where the center of the Earth, the magma stop spinning? Yeah. Well, the, the, let me put it in quotes magma. The magma. Which sounds like a made up D&D monster.

Yeah. This guy who was sent in by Troy Hoffmackle. Thank you, Troy, for all of the submissions. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Trixiebell. My jaw popped and I yawned while I said that. That was terrible. Trixiebell asks, is it okay to take a five-year-old to a restaurant with suggestive names for the food?

My husband and I are babysitting our five-year-old niece, and we want to go out to eat at this rock and roll diner kind of local place. It's a clean place. It's not like Hooters or anything, but all the menu items have suggestive or slightly inappropriate names. Like their chicken soup is called cock in a bowl, and their banana split is called banana hammock. And another very suggestive.

And another chicken dish called naked breast. Do you get the suggestion? This one's called. Do you get it? This one's called fat cock. Do you get it? This one's called a dick. And it's a hot dog.

This one's called pussy. Do you get the. Sorry, can I just make a quick observation that cock in a bowl is not a thing. No. It's not like wink, wink, get it? A cock in a bowl. I think that's actually. It's not a clever play on words.

I think that's what British people call missionary position. Cock in a bowl. Thank you Travis. I was hoping one of us would do it. Yeah. I just want to say this too. I want to defend Hooters for a minute. Have you ever been to Hooters?

They don't need. It's like the no, no, no. Have you ever been to Hooters? I would say that that is less sexually explicit than something that uses cock in a bowl to describe a chicken dish. I mean, that's that's the thing. I think that's the point they're getting at. I would go to a restaurant with only male waiters

and also all those male waiters balls are showing. And that the name of the restaurant would be like the ball pit. And you would go and then they'd be like, what would you like? And I would say, could I have a roast beef with Ajou? And they would say, yes, what would you like? I would like the prime rib. Fantastic. Those are delicious this time of year.

The rather than go to a restaurant where it's like, what do you want? The rotten asshole? Like, whoa, why is it called that? I'm wearing a tuxedo because I'm your waiter. Do you want the rotten asshole? Oh, that was weird. That took a turn. I don't like that.

No discussion of this sort would be complete without a visit to Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville. Oh, God. But I said that and it's not that good because I just got the menu. It's it's it's not that great. It's just kind of kind of boring a little bit. I thought they had like like Jimmy Buffett themed snackaroos. Well, I mean, it's hard because they do have there's a booze and a blender,

which is they bring you a who's to blame or a tropical fruit margarita in a 22 ounce take home blender cup. And it is delicious. So hold up, a blender cup by which you mean just the top part of a blender with the blades and shit in it. No, it's a novelty, but they take it from one blender into another blender. That seems excessive. Some other drink.

OK, so I was really high blender overhead. Was it looking at the drink section when I said they're awesome names? If you're a fan of his, you are going to get a treat here. Last Mango in Paris. That's a song but a drink. Who's to blame? That's from the song Margaritaville. Fence to the left.

Another lyric. Living it up. That's the name of a drink. A shaker of salt. It's just a salt shaker that you have to eat in front of the waiter. I think my favorite appetizer at Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville is the clam munchers. Yeah, so good.

There's a five o'clock somewhere drink that you can order. Are these part of like a boat drinks umbrella? Or is there no dipshit? There's a whole boat drink section. Bama Breeze, rum runner. Don't stop the carnival. Chocolate banana. Don't stop the carnival is something that an alcoholic would say.

I think that all you have to do is add please in front of it. Please don't stop the carnival. And of course there's shots too under the boat drink section. You can get a boat drink shot of the why don't we get drunk in ellipses. And of course that was a reference to the fact that when you originally released the single why don't we get drunk in screw the record label wouldn't let him put the word screw on there. So there's actually just a picture of a screw in the in the track. That's grosser.

Yeah, way grosser. Slightly grosser, right? God, I want to go this place so bad. I'm 33 years old. I'm about to be a dad. I'm living a life without irony. All I want to do is go to this place and drink them all until the names are funny and then keep drinking. Listen, you can't visit me in Cincinnati.

I will take you to Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville. There is no fucking, there is no less beachy scene than eating at the Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville inside a casino inside of Cincinnati. There is no less beachy vibe than that. I'm sorry. Let me fix that for you, Justin, because they play all kinds of fun beachy videos on the closed circuit television. So do you want to see some busty babes bouncing out of the tailgate?

Some parrot heads in their colorful shirts enjoying a kegger? Yeah, you do. Oh, and what's that? Oh, it's Jimmy Buffett performing with Lionel Richie. Oh my God, it's amazing. It's like you're at the beach. The only problem with the beachy videos is like every once in a while the pit bosses wander over to flip it over to like their close circuit cams to watch the tables.

That is correct. The Jimmy Buffett is also the security office. It's a lot of fun to work there. Yeah. It's a real blast. I went to one that was close to our house, our apartment in Batavia, Ohio, which was basically inside a mall our apartment was. We went to that once and we think it went with Dad and Carol.

And we sat next to the stage at Jimbo, but there was no live music for that night. They just had a TV hooked up to a PlayStation and a little boy played guitar hero on mute literally right next to us, literally in touching distance. Where was this? That was at Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville, Batavia, Ohio. Are you sure that that wasn't a cheeseburger in paradise? I'm sorry. It was a cheeseburger in paradise.

How does that fucking dude get two restaurants? He'll be hearing from his lawyers. Now Jimmy Buffett has to sue himself again. There's another year's worth of time where we're not going to get a new album because Jimmy Buffett has to sue himself. Thank you all for listening to our program. We sure appreciate you checking in with us and spending a little time. Thank you to people tweeting about the show.

Chris Garth, the Duke, Ivika Fulnovik, Michael, KDC, Shelby, Hailey, Nick, Elizabeth, Rashon, Diana, so many others. A lot of really nice comments about our interview with Elizabeth Gilbert last week. She was like a blast and we would love to have her back at some point. I had a friend here in Austin who said they listened to that episode because they saw it on Facebook and didn't think it was true. They thought we were lying about having Elizabeth Gilbert on the show. It's just pretty great.

So thank you to everybody tweeting about us. If you want to share our show with people you love, just give them ambient.com. We're right there. And if you could, could give us a review or a subscription on iTunes. That would be amazing. Yeah, that's good. We also have been putting up some really, really awesome animated videos on our YouTube that Tyler Crowley made for us.

Go check them out. Just mbmbam is the channel name. And they're really, really awesome. And if you like them, good news. We're going to try to get some more on there. And I think you guys are really going to like it. So go subscribe to our YouTube channel and tell all your friends about it and share all the videos. Also, in case you missed it, we announced that we joined up with this booking agency called Billions.

No big deal, but they are actually a pretty big deal. They do booking for Welcome to Night Vale, which is a great show if you're not listening to it. And a bunch of really great musical acts. They're going to help us set up some tours next year. We are going to try and hit a lot of places in America and maybe a little bit of Canada. We're still figuring it out, still planning it out. But yeah, we're going to kick that shit in a high gear starting next year.

And of course, we'll let you know once stuff firms up. So hopefully we'll get to see you soon. That's my hope. That is my hope as well. Also, thanks to John Rodgerick in the long winters for the use of our theme song, It's at a Parture on the album, Putting the Days to Bed. You can find that record anywhere where records are sold. Probably.

Yeah, just Google it. You can get it on the internet. And I think that's going to do it for us. Thank you so much to everybody listening. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Please listen to the other listen to the other Maxfun shows. There's a ton of really good ones. Sawbones is a good jumping off point. If you like Justin's dulcet tones. It's a smooth transition. It's a smooth transition. There's one of these people I've heard before. Then there's other really good ones.

Jordan Jesse Go, One Bad Mother, Later the Lady, Wham Bam Pow. Oh no, Ross and Kerry. There's a ton. It would take us 10 minutes to list them all. But go check it out. There's a lot. Go listen. There's finally a who was actually it was sent in by Drew Davenport,

but he wanted to make sure that I announced that it was actually his friend Jeff found it. He did not want to click and he's a standup dude, right? Like he's not even going to he's he knocks it out of the park every day. And then when his friend knocks it out of the park, he doesn't jump on it and claim credit. Well, he doesn't need it. Doesn't need a lot of credit. So thank you, Jeff.

It's by Yahoo Answers user Tammy Yordaz who asks, Can your butt start higher than the crack? Oh, I'm just a McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. My butt starts at the nape of my neck. This is where my butt and my butt hurts. Kiss your dad's.

Straight on the nape of his neck. Oh, no. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hi, my name is Dave. And my name is Graham.

Now, what do we have to do to put you in a brand new podcast today? Yeah, what do you want me to drink bleach? I'll do it. Yeah, Dave will drink bleach. If that's what it takes to get you to listen to stop podcasting yourself on Maximumfun.org. Don't make Dave drink bleach. Just listen to the show. He will, but don't make him stop podcasting yourself.

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