My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 212: Turn Downton for What

Episode Date: August 5, 2014

"Hello, I'm Laura Linney, and you're watching Masterpiece Classic. Smoke weed every day." Suggested talking points: Guardianswatch, Love and Pathfinder, Octodad's Revenge, Reunion Woes, Sniffle Rage, Mr. Whippy Roleplay, No-Scope Pee Shot, Regal Weed

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, everybody, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother Me, an advice show for the modern era. I am Groot. I'm the Rocket Raccoon. I'm David Teaser, everybody's favorite wrestler. America's in a movie for some goddamn reason now. Welcome to Guardians of the Galaxy Watch 2014. We've got Guardians Fever here. We're camped out outside the theater for... It's cold. We've been waiting for

so long. They keep telling us to come in and that the movie started playing, but we're not ready yet. We're not ready yet. I need to prepare myself. The anticipation is building. I need to find out. I need to maybe read a comic book, find out what was the goddamn talking raccoon in this film. I need to ask somebody who's already seen it if it has a supernatural ending, because I find that unsettling. We need to know if any dogs die in the movie. From what I understand, there wasn't originally going to be a raccoon in the movie, but Bradley Cooper really wanted to be in, and it was the only place they could think to put him. Sure, I'll be in your comic book, but I should picture just one rule, though.

I've always wanted to be a raccoon. One thing I did enjoy... And I want to stand on wooden Vin Diesel's shoulders, please. One thing I super did enjoy about Guardians of the Galaxy is that it is light-hearted intergalactic action, but it does start with a cancer deathbed scene. So you do need to go ahead and pay that toll to get on the fun train. That should be the start of the Run Pee article. You can skip the first three bummer minutes. You must be this sad to ride this roller coaster of a Marvel motion picture. It's funny man Chris Pratt out of the can with his dead mom. I just think I wonder if I'm feeling like maybe as a nation, we think Guardians of the Galaxy is fun because it swoops

you down. It's sort of a George the Jungle action swooping down into the jungle floor, then proudly swooping out of it. The upturn is what makes it seem so fun, because they coded the first three minutes in bummer sauce. I think if you actually go back and you watch up and you watch past the first 15 minutes, you skip those first 15 minutes, you're like what a fucking boring movie. It's just a little boy and it's just an old man. And they're walking very slowly through the jungle. Who gives a shit? Give me my space robots. Give me my underwater oceanic adventures. Give me my Incredibles. It is absolutely true that without the first three minutes of the Guardians of the Galaxy movie, it's just not that action packed. It's pretty boring.

There's no, now that I think about it, if I can like cut that part away, I don't think there's a single fight scene in the whole movie. No. Travis, which Guardian are you? God, I would say I'm a Kerry. Stupend. Stupid podcast. Griffin, what about you? I didn't get Travis' joke. It's a Sex in the City. That's what I love, those two minute delay jokes. Nice slow burn. Mine's not going to be as funny as Travis' is. So should we just start with doing the advice? Yeah, let's just do the advice if you're not going to be able to top it. The DM for my Pathfinder. Whoa. Fuck yeah. No, come on. Okay. Let's get it wet. The DM. Dungeon Master. District Manager. For my Pathfinder. It's a role-playing game. Group.

Just a group. Group. It's just like an assembly of people. More than one person. It's hitting on me very aggressively. In game? It's not. Regardless, it's unacceptable. I'm not interested for a few reasons, the least of which being her track record and dating. The worst is that she is recently dating another member of our Pathfinder group. Okay, so this is her. So she has a very limited scope. Yeah. How do I let her down and not get killed off in our next glorious adventure? That's from Dungeons and Dragons. And why is your hand on my thigh? Oh, this is the greatest question. And they attached just so you know, the question asked here is a dude, DM is a woman. Okay. Claire Frank Travis. Not that it matters. Not that it matters, but they felt the need to

include that information. Thank you. Oh man. That's the thing, right? Because we could, here's, when you introduce fantasy into the compound, then our regular advice no longer works. Because we could say, we could tell you like all the things to do, like be frank, be upfront, be, be stern, but be gentle, float like a butterfly, break up like a bee. But at the same time, you can do that, and you can take all the right steps, all the necessary precautions. And then all of a sudden, maybe those goblins start rolling a few more critical hits on you. Maybe to jump that spike trap, maybe that requires a DC 20. Oh, you had to roll a 46 on that charisma check. Oh, seems like you only rolled a 44. So that is not going to cut it.

You could initiate this flirtation, this relationship, but I don't know where it's stopped. How do you know when it stopped and when it started? How do you know where the cafebe ends? Yeah. And the relationship itself has begun. Let me toss the fucking biggest monkey wrench into this, into this machinery. If for some reason this leads to this person being forced out of the group or the, the, the role playing group being dissolved entirely, that fucking sucks because it is super, super hard to find a good group to play role playing games with. Oh, then I think right there, you've got a great out. I think you're out. As you can say, listen, I think you're great, especially since she's already dated a member of your group.

I don't want to, I don't want to break up the band. Yeah. Like, listen, I think this is great, but I just really like our time together as friends playing this game and I don't want to complicate that. And I just really need to focus on Gringot the warrior right now. Yeah. And I need to do what's best for him. Sure. I think to stand in my truth scroll, my scroll of truth. My scroll of truth. I need to chase my bliss potion. Man, this is the worst situation though. You are, because when you're playing D&D, you're playing any role playing game, your DM possesses a like fucking 50 shades of gray level of control over you because you got to, it's like a trust exercise. It's improv. It's, I'm going to pretend to be a dwarven rogue and I'm going to say some dumb

shit. And I'm going to trust that you're going to interpret that in these codified role playing game rules. And then that has sex to it, man. I'm ready to give a piece of advice we have never given in the history of this show. Oh, geez. You need to make yourself less attractive. Oh man, you think so? Maybe leave a little mud in your jerking. I'm saying like maybe don't be so careful about that Cheetos dust. You know what I mean? Well, you're, you're throwing a lot of shade right now Travis. You're casting, you're casting a lot of dispersions. Well, I think even better if this is the world's most, a lot of low hanging fruit, a lot of punches. If this is the world's most attractive, Armani Cloud Pathfinder group, that you have so much more room to fall.

I'm just saying your magic miscelling down right now. You need to magic missile up. Does that make sense? So do you think this person needs to become even more attractive? I'm saying that shouldn't be a factor. I say, okay, you got, I mean, it sucks. You got to handle like there's no other way to handle this situation. There's exactly, well, there's two, you can pack your bags and move away, but as we've said, that's unacceptable. You'll never find another group. That's it. I packed my bags and moved away from Cincinnati and I left all my fucking, I left my, my campaign behind and I never found another one ever again. So like you're going to sacrifice that if you make that jump.

Adventure grows on trees. It does not. It does not. Well, adventure doesn't have anything to do with it. It's more like people who can be fucking cool while we all pretend to be wizards and shit. For a minute, can you be cool for a minute? No, no, no, no, no. Did I take, I take the priestess by her waist and pull her onto my lap? No, no, no, no, no. No, my favorite. I only played legitimately would play DND once and it, my friend Jason was a dwarf and he ran through a dance floor cutting everyone's Achilles tendon and got us thrown out. And that was the last time we ever played because he didn't do it right. You're not doing it right. Did you call someone afterwards? Did you,

did you raise some sort of flag with some organization? Someone should keep an eye on Jason. Someone just keep an eye, keep their, keep them in your prayers. I, you gotta be Frank and just say, listen, I'm flattered, but like I really like this group and I just like hanging out with you in this very limited scope. Please continue doing this. Like I'll pay you pizza money for DMing. That's like the standard trade off, I think. But I don't want to go out with you and I'm sorry. There's also another option. Please. Without knowing how aggressively hitting on you aggressively means you could start scaling back your responses because right now you're probably playing along because you don't want to embarrass. No, that's what I'm saying. You scale it back gradually

until eventually like you're not responding to the hitting the same way. So that way, like if she was asking you out, if she is, if she is saying like, I want to go out with you, then yeah, you need to be Frank and you need to be straightforward. If at this point, it's just like kind of Frank, I'm too busy being Cromlor. I'm not supposed to be Cromlor and Frank now. And Roger, me, my real name in life. Oh boy. Good luck. You end up with some mazes and monsters shit. Yeah, you're going to find yourself in the tomb of horrors of love, the tomb of horrors and also love at the same time. Horror love. Fuck, I want to play Dungeons. Can we please play Dungeons and Dragons us and record it? And we'll play soon. Record it and do a podcast. There's a hunger for

it. There's a need. The people, they need it. The people fucking need to hear us play Dungeons. Griffin, give us a Yahoo. I'll do a Yahoo for you. I like that. I know I've never demanded. I thought I would just take control of DM this this podcast. Pretty forceful. Somebody better. How about a Yahoo from Troy Hoffmackle? Thank you, Troy. It's by a suspended Yahoo answers user who asks, could an octopus fire a handgun? If an octopus could understand a handgun's function and this handgun could work underwater, would the octopus have sufficient strength and motor control in a tentacle to hold aim and fire? Assume a gun with a mass of around one and a half pounds or seven tenths of a kilo and any sort of octopus you like. Bonus marks would it be strong enough

to do so above water? Well, I think that there is one factor of this question that I think is assuming and I don't like it. What's that? That the octopus has to understand how the gun works. I think it's a way more terrifying and much more pressing situation to say like, I accidentally dropped my handgun into my octopus tank. Yeah. Do I need to evacuate the building? Yeah. No, I mean, but I think it would be way scarier if the octopus not only had motive, right? I think I see an octopus and I just naturally think like that's an animal that like wants to kill humans. Yes. And I guess maybe that's maybe that's my own like love crafty and prejudice. No, it's nature's purest form of evil. Right. I think a octopus that has that that malice,

that motive, but also the know-how to fire upon me and then like, okay, you have a gun, an octopus has a gun and you're facing off high noon. Holy shit. Can you imagine like hearing a whistle or I could click and turning around and there's not seeing an octopus just like standing full height with like two tentacles out holding a gun or six guns and six tentacles. Okay. I actually would not be intimidated by an octopus holding one to two guns because yeah, my assumption is going to be, well, he doesn't even know how to get more guns. Right. If he had six arms, he would have six guns. I mean, the fucking gun control in this country is such a goddamn joke that an octopus probably

could buy six guns without a weight. Blur, blur, blur, blur, blur, blur, blur, blur. Just please, it's going to be a three day wait blur, blur, blur, blur, blur, blur, blur, blur. All right, come on up. In Octodad's Dark Sequel, that'll be the opening scene. Octodad's Revenge. But you're facing off against this mother fucker, this slimy cephalopod mother fucker. Where do you shoot that thing in the beak? You can't see his beak. His beak is not exposed. It will be exposed after he kills you and engulfs you. But until then, the beak is his weak point is not exposed. Well, I will say this. I don't know much about cephalopods, but I'm almost certain

their entire body is their weak point. They're pretty jelly filled. They're jelly filled Travis. But if you shoot it in the jelly, is that going to stop it? No. I'm saying you can easily penetrate. It's, it's rined. But is that going to do any fucking damage? You're not going to be able to shoot those tentacles off. I'll probably try to run a scam on you. You hit it in the ink sack, ink started squirting everywhere. And he's like, oh, you got me. Look at, there's black blood everywhere. I'm dying. Come over here and check out my, come check out my blood. You shot the ink sack.

My blood is red. Red is blood of humans. The drink is my soul source of sustenance. I think that we're confusing octopuses and squids. What can I care less? Like fair enough. They're basically the same thing. And I don't want to hear from any marine biologists out there. Basically the same animal, right? Many legs, weird bodies, they swim in the water. I'm saying eyes. What is also, mustaches. It's the same thing. You know. What is scary? Never pick up the check. Eight arms can't pick up a check. All right. Suck it lunch this time again. Covered in suckers. Covered in sticky appendages. Cannot pick up that check though. All right. If you say so.

They are tender lovers though. They are. Oh, fuck. No, they're not. But don't know, but you can't spurn them or they will shoot you six times at once. That song, I just died in your arms tonight. It's about somebody who had sex with an octopus and literally was killed by their arms because they loved to kill humans more than anything. Octopuses are the anti-worse. Are we making a fucking statement right now? If that's the truth, if that's the truth. Anti-worse. Then based on that syllogism, we have to never, they are, they are to be the forbidden animal. They are to be, they are to be a cursed animal of which we can never speak again after this segment.

Our manatees, the horse of the ocean. No, stop it. Seahorse. They're a cow. I think seahorses would probably be the horse seahorses. That's got sea and then horse. Yeah. And they also reproduce, they also, they also reproduce asexually like horses. So fair enough. And great wishes if you catch them. Exactly. My high school was a small private college prep and pretty close to that, about 100 people per class. We have a big alumni program, my first five-year class reunion is coming up. Of course, I want to show off my success in the business world, but I don't want to look like a total prick. All right. The high school is very strict with uniforms and dress codes. So should my attire

be more professional? I need your help, brothers. It's from Jaded in Jacksonville. I do not understand. Is it, are you asking us for fucking fashion advice? I think you have two options in this scenario. Full on like black tie or like white suit, you know, Monte Carlo kind of shit. Or just like shorts and a t-shirt. Yeah. If only there was something in between, if only there were clothes in between those two No, you gotta go one way or the other because you either got to go, I'm doing super great or I don't care what you think of me. See, it's such a gambit because if I find out that a super, super rich person is wearing cargo shorts, that makes me angrier than fuck all.

That's the worst because it's like you are, you can afford a dress pad. No, you want to be like me, but you're not like me because you have so much more money than me. I'm wearing cargo shorts What happens when you find out that a really poor person is wearing a tuxedo? That makes me angry too, man. That is bad too. I think all of our rich people should have to wear finery. Yeah. Like all the time. It should have to be fisted. Doublets. Then we'll better know who to mug. Yeah. That'll make the mugging easier. Can I tell you how many times I mug a dude in a tuxedo and he's like, no, I just found this in a dumpster and I'm like, fuck.

He does that saddle pocket outturn and the flies fly out of it. I lost it all in the stalks. If I may make a humble suggestion, by my math, assuming you went to college, you don't mention that, but by my math, you were one year out of college. I'm 33 years old and allow me to advise you, maybe hold off on like the braggadocious nature of your plan right now because maybe some things might change. I would not get too cocky about thinking you have all figured out on your first year out of college. I'm glad you have had some success there, but maybe you don't want to be the guy at the 10th annual reunion who's like, I have nothing. I lost it all. I lost it all.

I would also like to- You deserved it. You came festooned to the 16th. I would like to address the organizers of this reunion as well. I'm sure they're listening. A five year reunion? Hey, how's your life? Pretty much the fucking same. Exactly the same. Pretty much the same plus five. I went to college, but I literally just finished that.

What did you do? I went to college and you? I did go to college though. I grew this mustache, but I'm probably going to shave it tomorrow because I don't really like it all that much. I've only had it for two weeks. What did you do in college? I drank bad beer and I had sex and was bad at it. Cool. What did you do? I had bad beer and I did bad sex too. Also, me. I did that. We were roommates. Remember? Remember? We had sex with each other. He had sex with each other and then we drink it.

And we were bad at it. We drink Coors Light. Because we didn't know any better. We didn't know what we were doing. We're children. We're childs. Fuck. It's been nice catching up.

I don't know what I'm going to do. My 10 year reunions coming up, they're trying. Impotently, I would say to play on Facebook, there's one person and maybe this is universal who is coming up, guys. Let's meet at this fucking roller skating rink and just hammer this shit out. All of us went to the same school because we grew up in a college town. It's more like a six year reunion for when we all graduated from the same college that we went to after high school. I don't know. I think 15 is the earliest reunion anyone should go to.

Or deathbed reunion. Oh yeah. You got to hit that point where your reunion coincides with someone else's. So like the class of 63 and the class of 2013. Exactly. I don't want to know what the fuck my shithead peers have been up to for the past five years. I want to know what to expect using the education I've received from this institution, how that's going to carry me through the next 60 or so. Probably a lot of fear of communism.

Probably a lot of commie stuff. Whenever I get mad or angry, my nose runs. I start sniffling and snotts want to run all over my face. For those who know me, it's a dead giveaway, especially the misses. It sucks when I'm arguing because my wife and friends know the moment I get pissed by my snorting. Even when I try to blow off the offense, I still snort. So even though I try to let things drop, the boogie stream lets everyone know. Can we not?

What kind of husband can I be to my wife if I can't hide my emotions from her? If you are at a loss, maybe Sydney could help. All right. I don't think that. Thanks for that boat of confidence, dude. I don't think we need to bring Sydney. This seems sort of way below her pay grade. Why are you getting angry?

Why are you getting snotty is the bigger question. Is there an iPad you could wear on your nose? Yeah, I saw it on Shark Tank. I would invest in that. It's just a filter out all the bad stuff. But I bet it could work as some sort of nasal dam keeping the mucus at bay. I mean, you're going to dry drown. I mean, dry drowning is a major risk factor there.

This is the weirdest superpower I've ever heard. Yeah, you're like the shitty Hulk. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry if we're recording a podcast together because you are going to have to edit out a lot of snorts and a lot of snorfalls. Can I borrow your handkerchief? Can I please borrow your hand key? Please say yes or else it's just going to get worse. I don't know what happens when this guy has a fucking sinus infection

and everyone's like, fuck. Damn, Scott. Pump the fucking brakes, dog. Calm down a little bit, Scott. Oh, I think we're out of Greek yogurt. Oh, fuck. Dog, chill out. It's yogurt.

No, it's just I have I have an infection thing. It's not I'm not mad. Nick, can you play? Okay, then you can play it off, right? If you get angry and you people are like, oh, here it comes. Scott, I heard the Wade gap is starting to close between men and women. Wow. Wow.

All right. Fucking cool. I guess. Geez. Here's your fedora blow your nose into that. You fucking creep. Get out. Can you believe it?

Our first black president. Scott. Scott. Damn. Wow. You think you know somebody? Geez. Scott.

Scott, I wanted to tell you I'm pregnant. What? Oh, you said you wanted it. Scott, shit. This sucks, man. This is like, can this person even play poker? Like it is. It is.

It's like a life when you start doing like a Sarah McLaughlin style, like commercial for pennies a day. Yeah, you could help Scott and his weird running mad nose. Scott can't enjoy a moment's peace when playing poker or fighting with his wife because of his boogie streams. I'm wondering why this only manifests with anger. Do you think there are other emotions that seems that seems. I mean, it's weird all over.

When he gets happy, he gets a lot of earwax. Oh, God. If he gets a little upset, just a little belly button lint. He's asking what kind of husband he can be if he can't hide his mojis though. A very honest one. Yeah, I think that's sort of the way to go. Why would you want to hide your emojis anyway? You got to let those things out or they'll back you up.

This is great because you can say stuff like, listen, I want you to know that I sniffed not because I was mad at you, but because I was mad at the situation. And you can be very open and honest with your wife and take it as an opportunity to let her know what's really happened inside your head along with the snot that's about. Yeah, I think people are going to know what's up in that head. Let's go to the money zone. Are you mad that you don't have money?

I'm mad about not having money. Now I'm wondering if we should have told that dude to go to the doctor. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry, retcon. Go to the doctor, Scott, immediately. Man, I hope Scott is, I hope Scott is not the sort that skips the ads because he will miss that life saving. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. He will drown in his not. Well, you know what? That'll fucking teach him. Yeah, I'm going to say something that's going to surprise you. What's that? You should be snacking more. I feel like, I mean, I'm glad to hear that.

It is, I suppose, a bit surprising. Did it fucking surprise you? I suppose it did, yeah. So here's the thing, I've been running into this because I'm trying to lose some weight. I'm moving out to the to the California. I want to get my beach body ready. Oh, Jesus. And I'm trying to lose a couple of all bees, 10 or 12 all bees.

You know what I mean? You've got a beach, you've got a beach ball body now. Griffin. I'm going to laugh every time anyone sniffs now. And so, you know, the wife and I were we're we're eating the healthy snacks. And how are we doing that? Well, it's a great question. We're doing it through naturebox.com.

Naturebox.com has tons and tons of options of delicious and healthy snacks. They're not just good. They're good for you. They're natural. What are y'all working with now? I had some cinnamon sugar, like corn kernels, had little vanilla, macaroon, granola for breakfast. You can you can eat snacks for breakfast. That's correct, Griffin.

Oh, wonderful world we live in. I they also had this the big island pineapple. Or you get like kind of like a dried dehydrated pineapple. So good. And that's what I was jamming on breakfast for a while that and the peanut butter nom nom. Which I don't actually think those are breakfast, but I'm still a child. So I was eating some called peanut butter nom nom for breakfast. Dried fruit thing.

That's some quick energy. I mean, yeah, dude. And they also have savory snacks. They there is some bruschetta pretzel. Oh, perfect. Perfect job. Oh, man, I feel like I'm one more of those. I feel like I'm basking under the Tuscan sun.

It's like an Italian vacation in a mouth. They got big sweet potato fries. They got all kinds of things. So if you like savory potato fries, if you like if you like spicy, they've got it all. So go check it out. Maybe a spicy meatball. No, I had a stroke.

And if you go to naturebox.com right now, you're going to get 50% off your first month's box. If you go to naturebox.com slash my brother, all one word, 50% off your first month's box. That's such a good deal. It's a robbery. You're robbing them. Maybe you cannot steal all of our advertisers money.

Thank you. Yeah, do yourself a favor. Go check it out. Naturebox.com slash my brother. Just look at all the options. Your mouth will be watering. I promise you, you'll totally dig it. We see so many people on Twitter that say like,

I finally tried it and it's awesome. I loved it. And my mouth is watering. My mouth currently full of wine, dry drowning. I don't need to know about your flu. It's Travis. Uh, if you want to have a job tomorrow, shit, you need to know how to.

Big promises. Big promise. No, I'm this promise works both ways. It's carrot and stick here. Okay. If you want, if you don't have a job, you want a job tomorrow, you got to learn to code. If you have a job and you want to still have a job tomorrow,

you got to learn how to code. How can I do that so fast? You're asking me, Justin. If you want a job, but a different job, and you also want a second job. If you want nine jobs, you got to learn how to code. How do you, how do you do that? Well, you're going to get on the one month HTML bus.

One month HTML is the easiest way to learn to code and build websites. I've been doing this and here's how it works. You log on to the site every day. There are two or three lessons that you do that are accompanied by a video. So basically you watch a video in one screen and in your second screen, you code a website.

Even if you've never done that before, it is going to tell you literally step by step exactly where to go and what to do. Like moment to moment, step by step, here's everything you need. And you're going to start building a website from day one. After the first lesson, you will have, or the first day, you will have a admittedly,

you know, pretty simple, but a website that you built. I built my website, justamacaroid.net, through one month HTML. Don't go to Justin. Don't go to justamacaroid.com. It is terrifying. No, that guy stinks. No, he's all right.

I guess he's Canadian. He's Canadian, Justin McRoy. Justin, did you get the email I sent you from Kyle? No. Kyle cleaned up the background for your website. So you have a nice, clean picture of you gesturing towards what I assume are the West Virginia Hills. Okay, I will switch that out.

Thank you, Kyle. I appreciate that. And here's the best part about it. They've got other classes. This isn't the best part about it, but another part about it, the thing. A separate part. They got a one-month Rails class, too,

if you want to learn Ruby on Rails. It's super easy. It's actually really fun. I kind of look forward to the lessons every day. I told them when I started that the biggest problem I have is stopping every day, because I think the lessons are really fun. So you can enroll at onemonth.com slash my brother,

and you'll actually get 25% off 30 minutes a day for 30 days, and you could have this new skill. And right now, you can get it for 25% off. So go to onemonth.com slash my brother. That's onemonth.com slash my brother and get 25% off. I'm going to dip in that Ruby, I think. Let's see what that's all about. I pretty much mastered all of the other languages.

So I got two real quick messages. Here's the first one. There's a podcast about books, which a great idea, I guess. I'm not sure there's a lot of crossover there between people who read books and prefer to listen to dummies make crack-wise about Guardians of the Galaxy. But there you have it.

It's called Tome Foolery. And you can check it out on iTunes, on Stitcher, or on their website, tomefoolery.com. Spelled how it sounds. Tome, like a book, and Foolery, like you're saying, Tom Foolery. But there's an E in there to make it a pun. Start back in the beginning. You lost me.

I'm sorry. You are enigma wrapped in a mystery. They've also got Facebook page, facebook.com slash tomefoolery, also on Twitter, at tomefoolery. Basically, twice a month, Cody Melcher and Stephanie Haas, who are Chicago-based comedians, talk about a book with a funny friend of theirs. They've had people on the show like Tim Kazurinsky

from Sorry Night Live, Dan Telfer, I guess we can say Friend of the Show. Friend of the Show. Friend of the Show. I mean, he introduced us at our first live show. I'll never forget that. You may not remember us. He probably doesn't remember us,

because he was there when we were the most scared we've ever been for anything in our lives. Also got Barbara Gray from Late at a Lady, a maximum fun network joint. Lots of other people, Brandy Posey, Danny Pewdie from Community. They've done lots of books from Twilight to Crazy, Conspiracy Books, and all kinds of stuff.

That's Tom Fullery. It's a book club, but with comedians and weird books, it sounds like. We have another podcast that's supporting the show this week that you guys should go check out. It's The Bunker, and it's on iTunes, so you can go to thebunkerpodcast.com. The Bunker podcast, so it's a scripted comedy series

about a breakfast radio show. Like our show. Yes. Fully scripted. Completely scripted, point A to point B. And it's a breakfast radio show that takes place in a post-apocalyptic future. There's also nice music stories and interviews

as storytellers, so go check it out. Thebunkerpodcast.com. I mean, if a post-apocalyptic breakfast radio show doesn't sound funny to you, then get the fuck out. Get the fuck out of here, kid. Whoa. Hey, feeling lonely? My name's Jesse Thorne.

My name's Jordan Morris. Do you want to listen to a program where two good friends get intimate with amazing guests like Maria Bamford, Rob Cordury, and other comedy superstars? Jordan Jesse Goh is here for you. Every week we'll spill our guts for you, and then make some jokes. Jordan Jesse Goh, free at MaximumFun.org.

I got a Yahoo from level 51. Wow, I guess I downgraded him a little bit. What did he do? He's playing a different game. He's leveled up from 1 to 51 this quickly and in a totally different game. Anyway, it's true Davenport, everybody. Thank you, Drew.

It's by Yahoo Answers user UncleDannySmells. UncleDannySmells asks, How do I eat a Mr. Whippy in public without looking like a nutcase? Hold on. How do I eat a Mr. Whippy? Mr. Whippy? Can you guys say that for me?

Mr. Whippy. No, you don't have to do fun voices. You can just say it. I wasn't. Oh, wow. That's just how that word comes out then. Yeah. Wow.

Okay. How do I eat a Mr. Whippy? What is a Mr. Whippy? Jesus. It's a... I've committed to a bit. Yeah. Mr. Whippy is a soft-serve ice cream to cone.

Isn't that the ice cream man in Pete and Pete? Mr. Whippy? Possibly. Mr. Tasty. Mr. Tasty. That was great. Thank you. Mr...

I'm assuming there's an Omar-ish, though. Assuming it's an Omar-ish. I believe Mr. Whippy is an Australian thing. Okay. Let me just do a quick Google. Yeah. Australia and New Zealand. There's a Mr. Whippy.

But I mean, the idea is I think pretty universal. We're talking about an ice cream cone. We're talking about that like weird styrofoam platform cone. That's not especially delicious. A sugar cone, if you will. I don't know. Not even a sugar cone. What do you fucking call that thing?

It's like insulation. It's like a structured cone that has like a cone inside of another cone and there's like joints and shit connecting it. It's got to have a proper name, right? Yeah. I think it's just a standard Mr. Whippy cone. And then you got the swirl going up of soft-serve. And then you just party on that.

I guess my real question is, and I mean this sincerely, I've never seen anyone eat one of those and look like a crazy person. Well, you've never worked at the country's best yogurt, have you? Do you see a lot of cool styles? I'm saying as a former, the country's best yogurt employee of the month, several months running, I earned that honorific by not fucking laughing at people who ate Mr. Whippies in front of me. And it was hard, Travis.

It was hard. What were they doing wrong? They were doing everything wrong. Let's role play. Let's D&D this out. I'll be your DM. I hand you a Mr. Whippy. What do you do now?

Roll for initiative. How do you attack that motherfucker? Well, first things first, I'm going to take care of that little flipped over part on the top and just bite that off. You can bite that right off. Okay. How did you just hold on to you? Roll to see if he has sensitive tooth pain.

Do you just sort of position your giant head over this thing like the mother ship in Independence Day and then sort of lower your gob down onto? And then you sort of encompass it directly like that. I'm going to be honest. I'd probably panic and try to bring it from the top to my mouth. Oh, so, oh, yeah, you lost it. You lost the game. Can I try?

Can I try? Justin, I hand you a Mr. Whippy cone. Roll for initiative. That's what that, that's my dice roll noise. Okay. I extend my tongue just so. Wait, slow down. Slow down.

Okay. I extend my tongue just so. And then I place the Mr. Whippy against my tongue and then I make this noise. Is it gone yet? It's still there. Can you roll to see if it's still there? And it's gone. You did it.

Yay. Never again do that. Couch munch. Couch munch. So your your strat for down in this month, this bad boy, is to just do it as fast as possible and hope. And I just loudly and graphically it's possible. Sure.

It's unpleasantly as human. Sonic the most sonically unpleasant consumption strategy I could devise. Every Mr. Whippy truck has a picture of Justin that says do not serve. Do not serve this man. Very upsetting for local kids. I mean, I guess it's like a blow job thing. Like you don't want to like. Whoa.

No, I'm just saying I think that's what this person's worried about. Like how can I eat this Mr. Whippy? Because if you go top down, then yeah, I guess there will be some sort of visual similarity. If you go out from the side, you're going to look like some sort of crazy rancor. Has anyone but I other than Griffin working at the country's best yogurt, has anyone ever like seen someone buying a cone of ice cream and thought, well, let's see how he does. Good luck.

And do you know what's personally hot shot? Show me what you got. Do you know what's personally offensive to me as a as the fucking superstar of the of West Virginia's best, the country's best yogurt? Nobody fucking ever asked me how to do it. Nobody had you there with a fucking pro. If you're balling with Michael Jordan, you don't just do it in front of him and don't ask him to put on a clinic.

Now here's the thing though. But I imagine that even worse than looking like a nutcase is worrying about looking like a dude who can't figure out an ice cream. How glad would that have been if someone brought you a code just like I can't get from me to be on this bad boy. Listen, I tried to come at it from every angle. It has nothing to do with doing it. Anybody can eat a fucking ice creamed cone.

And anybody anybody can play basketball in front of Michael Jordan. Are you doing it? Do you see somebody like scrolling their phone for eHow articles about the ice cream melting in one hand? They're just flipping through pages on on their their phone on the other trying to find that one eHow article. It's going to let them get inside the head of this burly beast. Let me tell you about it.

Let me tell you about it. It's a multi-stage fight that you're having with this cone. And the first two steps are it's a waiting game at first because you really want the bottom to get soggy. I know it seems counterintuitive, but hear me out. The first stage is all about maintenance and it's about discretion. You want to try and keep your mouth behind the ice creamed portion of the cone. You want to keep that that ice creamed portion between your mouth and any waiting hungry eyes

that want to see what you're doing because they're fucking everywhere. What would you think about a strategy where you put the whole cone in your mouth just for safekeeping and hell there, but you kept your mouth kind of spread open like inside so that you're not actually touching the ice like an incubator. No, that's that sounds great. It's not going to work in practice. You got to maintain that top discreetly. You want to keep dribbles from dripping off you.

A napkin is helpful in this regard if you want to keep it around the styrofoam base. Terrific. If that's your prerogative, I reached a level of skill where the napkin was no longer required. No napkins required. No napkins required. It was actually kind of embarrassing to have it there. So you maintain it until you reach that point of peak soggyness at the bottom. And at that point you've whittled down the ice cream portion of the cone.

And then you're going to love this. You guys are going to fucking love this. You pick up the cone, hold it above your head like an ice creamed beer bomb. And you bite the bottom directly off of it. All of a sudden you're playing an upwards trumpet to the heavens. And that ice cream is just going to fucking power blast down your throat. And you're going to love it. And then what do you got there?

You have the perfect, the styrofoam has soaked up the cream in such a pleasing manner. You can just fold that little gushy baby up and just go to town. You have three distinct levels of strategy and three like unique textures, three unique flavor experiences. It is the only way to down a Mr. Whippy. I like the, I like it when they put the cone on top and then decorate it with ice cream to make it look like a clown. Get the fuck out of here.

I have a different strategy. You can use the Justin McRae step one, suck it like it's a dick. Step two, play our guitar. Step three, high five every kid in the store. That also works. Yeah. And what I like to do is I take one bite and I say too hot and I throw it on the ground. That's great.

Brothers, if you have a drink with you, but you need to go to the restroom and have no one to watch your drink for you, what do you do with the drink? If it's not in a resealable bottle, bringing the drink with you seems gross. And if there's a lot left and chugging it seems like a waste. That's from perplexed and peeing. It says pissing. You can say it. I know.

I just, I thought it would be better to not. From perplexed and making water. It's a tricky situation because I'm telling you, if you've got a big tall steamy glass of apple juice and you bring that in and out, that's the situation. If you've got Coca-Cola, less of a situation. You know, especially like if you're at a bar, like there's two. Okay. So on the less extreme side, you worry about like the bar back coming over and like

clearing your glasses and taking your glass. And then two, there's always that risk that someone's going to put some fucking shit in your drink because people are awful. Kiss people are the worst. So I, you know, I'm going to be honest. I've never thought about it before this moment. I always just take my drink in with me. But now I'm thinking about like the air being full of, you know.

Of pee. That the pee air. Pee air that the fucking bathroom door magically in her medic, the bathroom airlock magically keeps those peep articles from. I'm not saying that's going to stop me from doing it. I'm saying I recognize where perplex is coming from in this that like, oh, suddenly if you're going like, oh, taking your bath and drinking the bathroom seems gross. Yeah.

No. But I don't see how it's any actually grosser than all of the horrible people that are out in the bar. I mean, we've talked about the many, many fallacies surrounding bathroom like, um, contamination. I think, I think we've pretty much like, I have talked about how I can pee without ever touching it, it being my penis. And you should not as a result have to wash your hand.

I shouldn't need to. Mike, the front of my jeans aren't dirty. Dad. The front of my jeans. This is a special t-shirt that says that so you don't have to go explaining it every time you use a restroom. I don't touch free hands free. No winger touch.

No scope. Three 60p shot. Front of my jeans aren't dirty. So I didn't wash my hands. Dad. And then on the back, you got problem with that? And it'll be a picture of me shrug my arms into like threatening manner. That's on pre-sale now.

It says daddy's best boy. Daddy's best boy. No look. No scope. P shot. You got. And on the other sleeve, it says in memory, in loving memory of Big Daryl. Oh, I'm going to never forget.

Mother for over. Angels only leave paths on your heart from the tracks in your tears to the strain of the angels. It's a big shirt. I love you. I love you. Big Daryl. It's not a huge puffy sleeve to accommodate all of this. Thank you for teaching me.

You know, scope P ways. You were the best. You were the best stranger. Um, I, I just. Nobody's going to step to you. No one's going to step to you with that shirt. Just get in their face. One V one me.

If you don't believe it. If you don't believe it, I'll be right next to you. Get that black light. Yeah. Let's scope the front of my jeans. Nothing there. Um, yeah, just take your fucking drink in. Y'all want a yahoo?

Yep. This yahoo. Buzz. This yahoo was sent in by Cameron. Ah, gear or oh, gear or oh, yeah. Oh, gear. Okay. Sure.

Uh, thank you, Cameron. It's by Yahoo. Answers user. Ah, yeah. A lot of come on. Um, who asks? How can I become an aristocrat? I'm spelled bound by the culture, history, and essence of the British aristocracy,

particularly by the English aristocrats of deepest Yorkshire with their magnificent rolling estates and majestic country houses towering stallions and grand dinner parties. I want to be an aristocrat. I've spent some time visiting country houses, cathedrals, abbeys, and in historical monuments rooted in the heritage and culture of the Old England. And I think that in order for me to fully absorb the essence of British heritage, I must become an aristocrat. I want my own beautiful estate, my own gorgeous old country house with luxurious

drawing rooms and paintings of kings, queens, nobles, and personalities of the British chivalry. I want to be a part of this world. If there is one thing I know, it is that you dress for the job you want. Sure. So I think you need to go full-on Fox Hunt outfit 24 seven. Welcome to Denny's Sire. So in conclusion, Mr. Bank Officer, that is why I need one million pounds. That's not going to do it, I don't think.

I don't think unless you do like a time travel issue, like I don't think I don't think the million pounds goal is going to do it. Well, I also don't know what conversion rates are. I think that's like six billion dollars. Listen, we all watch Downton Abbey and we pretend to know how the fuck any of that shit works. Why do they have all that stuff? We never see them paying rent. They never pay rent or mortgage and they just get money.

We have to manage the lands. Cool. I mow my fucking lawn every other weekend. I don't get paid billions of pounds, sir. The gameskeeper watches over the herd of deer that lives on the girls. Do those deer shit gold? I got squirrels. Yeah. You will never hear them like,

Listen, we have to get on our paper chase. Yeah. We gotta get, get, get, get that paper. Get the, get on the grind, everyone. We have to get that paper. I think it's just like, Turn the light off. Were you born in a barn?

Every light in the manner is on. Turn down for what? I, now hold on. Interesting. I do remember when the Dutch said turn down for what? So, is it just like a situation where somebody, maybe they invented the quill or some shit and they just made like a trill, a trill from that quill and then they just sort of coast on that?

Is it possible that knowing castles are too sweet and no one can own them? So you just roam the English countryside looking for one that's full of skeletons and you think, well, okay, this is mine now. Yeah. This is my castle. You have to. I, I'd be willing to bet that if you asked any aristocrat or just old, old blood aristocrat, how did your family become aristocrats?

Their response would be, well, we've just always been. I don't remember. Do you think maybe it was like ordained by God? Like God created the heavens and earth. He made the light and the dark. He made the oceans and the land. And then he made some people like really super rich forever. Yeah.

Hey, good, good, good news. The Williams's. Your, your cup. Y'all are fucking set. You prayed the right way. Not you. Pray more like them. Not you.

The Williams's. You heard me wrong. Billions. You missed it by one letter. The Billy, their family's last name will be forgotten throughout the ages. The Williams, you're my least favorite family. You get nothing. But when you enter into my house, you will, you will get room, I guess.

You'll get, you'll do. Okay. The meek shall inherit the earth, except for the Williams's who get everything. Um, I don't know, man. It seems like a pretty cool fucking scene though. I mean, except for all the indentured servitude, other than that, pretty cool scene. The weird thing about the, the Downton Abbey, the life that is presented there in the aristocracy is like for people that don't have to do anything, they do a lot of things.

Like they are very busy inventing purpose. Yeah. And they also seem to have a lot of stakes. They were really high stakes. Yeah. Like super high stakes for somebody who never has to worry about anything. Why isn't there one, like realistically, why isn't there one member of the Downton Abbey, like sect that's like smoke weed every day?

That's my jam. That's where I'm at. I mean, this totally chilled dog found a cool tree. We're going to smoke weed and sleep under it for the next two weeks because fuck it. I made this hand sculpted bong. I was going to sell them, but then I was like, fuck it. I would like to see an episode of Downton Abbey where the entirety of the episode is an hour long and it's one of them just wandering through the house trying to find another family member

to hang out with because they're super fucking bored. Yeah. Anyone want to chill? Steven? Is there anyone in here? No? Servants? Just want something to do.

Got the new master's on EP. Anybody? I want to make a pizza. Do you want to make pizza? Homemade pizza? I got some sweet shrooms. Yes, both kinds smoke weed every day. Anybody?

Got chinga? I invented chinga. Anybody? I'm Laura Linney. You're watching Masterpiece Cedar. Last week, we watched as Bernie found the dankest herb and enjoyed it with his good, good dog. They chilled under a tree and slept for six hours, then made pizzas.

What will happen this week? Unturned down, fuck, I blew it. Will Ronson's brother return from the war and will Bernie find another dope stash of high quality ganj? Travis, stick it again. You can lay it at this time. Next, Unturned Downton for what? Damn it.

Ah, fuck. So this has been My Brother, My Brother Me. It's a vice show that we do every week with each other and you can listen to it if you want. And it's just a show to help you out. What more do you want from us? Thank you for people tweeting about the show. Our boy Nick Roberts recommended it to Morgan Kitten. Hopefully, Morgan Kitten is listening.

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And if you go to NatureBox.com slash my brother, you get 50% off your first order. Go check it out. It's totally worth it. You're welcome. I want to thank John Roderick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song, It's a Departure, off the album Putting the Days to Bed. I don't know what to say, guys. What I haven't said already, it's a fucking action-packed way to start the show off.

But there's a lot of slow jams on there, too. A lot of slower cuts. A lot of more pensive tunes. Check out the record. I also want to thank everybody who has been sharing the YouTube videos we've been posting and telling everybody about it. You guys have been really, really awesome. Thank you so much.

If you haven't gone to check it out, it's YouTube, it's MBMBAM. We put up some animated videos. We're putting up old episodes. There's live show videos. Go check it out. Thank you so much. You guys are awesome. Yep.

That's going to do it for us, I guess, this week. Listen to the other shows of the Max Fun Network, too. Jordan, Jesse, Go, Josh, John Hodgeman, Throwing Shade. Stop podcasting yourself, Lady the Lady, The Goose Down, Saw Bones. Are y'all still putting neps out, or are you on hiatus? No, no, no, we're in it. All right. They make that show for you, and it's really good.

So go listen to it. And yeah, final question time, I guess. This one was sent in by Ira Ray. Are you Ira Ray? Who wants to know? Thank you very much, Ira Ray. It's by Yahoo Answers Users, Snow Bunny Love 420. Who asks, did Kenny Rogers change his name to Kenny Loggins?

I'm Dustin McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother and my brother. May kiss your dad. School hair on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

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