My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 215: Glass Shark

Episode Date: September 2, 2014

We're back! And better than ever! Arguably. Well, okay; we're batting about average. Well, maybe Justin's a little rusty, and Griffin's a bit down, and maybe Travis recorded using an old-timey gramoph...one. But still - we're back! Suggested talking points: Dad Goofs, Movie Jelly, Munchables, That Dark Water, Sexting While Driving, The Winning Powerball Numbers

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Starting point is 00:00:00 The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? It's a new place, and the girls, do you want it? Just say, hey, I want it. Just say, hey, I want it. Well, hi everybody. Welcome to my brother, my brother, and me. It's an advice show for the modern era. We're just pleased to have you here. I am Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy.
Starting point is 00:01:00 I'm Griffin McElroy. I think I know what's going on. It is so great to have you guys on the show just to be doing this podcast with you. I'm feeling pretty fine. Oh, god, oh, god, Justin's biting me. Just doing just dandy too. I'm finer than frogs hair split four ways. Sanded down too, I should hope. Sand them right down. I just flew in from downstairs, and boy, might well, you know how that'll just. Oh, I see. You've caught the dad real hard. Just a father, I come at comedy from my own unique perspective,
Starting point is 00:01:37 colored by my life with my wife and my beautiful baby doll. I'm just aware, dad, because Justin passed his foul darkness into me, vis-a-vis fluid transaction. Boys, what's on the docket today? I hope we can try to keep it clear. We're going to probably talk about dicks, dicks and balls. Oh, well, that seems like an old version of my brother and my brother and me. I'm not sure that would be. Do you want to talk about playing catch? That would be better. I think we could probably split the difference and land somewhere. No, we could probably land somewhere in the Billing-Vall territory.
Starting point is 00:02:14 Yeah, he gets a little colorful from time to time, but at the end of the day, you know, you're going to get off this roller coaster and you're going to have all your limbs attached. You know what I mean? My brother and my brother means just about three guys shooting the shoot and talking about what grinds their gears. You're going to laugh a little, you're going to learn a little, and you're going to learn a lot in life. My brother and my brother and me gives its own unique approach to comedy. It's from a Christian family perspective, but a little bit skewed. Thanks for buying our audio cassette at the Christian Family Bookstore.
Starting point is 00:02:50 Or your local Zondervans. You can also listen to our totally clean hockey comedy podcast, HED Double Hockey Sticks. Thank you for listening to both programs. Justin, you back? I am back. All right, let's do the show. Sorry, the little one had to had a poopsie. You know how that is.
Starting point is 00:03:13 It was late night. Can you watch your fucking language? Okay, straight up. I haven't slept. Do you think that is going to be a lot? You think that that is just a goofy thing people say? And I got irritated because it was the thing that everybody was saying. Everyone, oh, catch up on your sleep.
Starting point is 00:03:37 I hope you, you cannot, you cannot put enough hours in the bank. First off, sleep doesn't work like that anyway. You cannot put enough hours in the bank for a human that knows nothing about time or darkness or anything and how that will infringe on your life. Yeah. Some of those things like you think like this is surely as tired as I could possibly get. And then you proceed to get more tired. And then no matter how tired you get, there's nothing, there's nothing you can do.
Starting point is 00:04:06 It's not like I'm so sleepy. So I'm going to sleep now. Baby, I heard that over there, but I'm sleeping now and I will catch you in a few. The best, probably the thing that makes me happiest so far is that the baby has really good timing, has good comedic timing, by which I mean I'll get up fucking stumbling around, stumble over the changing table, change your wiper a little tushy, feed her, mom will feed her and then we'll settle, get her all fed, then we'll put her in her. She has a baby straight jacket, she sleeps in and we'll get her that, we'll lower to sleep
Starting point is 00:04:46 and I'll gingerly lay her down, bomb squad style, just not wanting to trip any wires, it's going to wake her back up. I'll sneak back over to my side of the bed, I'll get in my snugly, snugly pre-kid position for how I would sleep when I still slept and then I'll just hear from across the room. Huge, massive, massive screaming dump and you know what the best part about the dump is, the best part about the dump is the baby will dump and then not cry but fucking stare at me like, what's up, what's up now old man, are you going to leave me here with my little week old tushy, my family called tushy, are you, are you man enough to just sleep there,
Starting point is 00:05:28 while my little baby tushy sits in poopy, are you man enough or are you going to come over here pick me up. The most horrifying thing I think that you've told me about the situation and it's a, it's an enormous list and I'm sorry by the way that I just referred to the beautiful human life you created as a situation but let's move on. The horrifying thing you told me is that baby's poop when that zone gets stimulated and one way to stimulate that zone is to clean the poop off of it. They're hilarious. That's a real like um yeah that's a, that's a, you're playing with fire anytime you clean a baby's butt you're playing fire that the baby's gonna be like oh man I forgot I had a butt. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you sir. What was the thing that I did with? Thank you
Starting point is 00:06:22 poorly gentlemen. What was the thing I did with my butt? Oh that's right. That's it. Should we do, do you mind if I put this in your hand? Should we do advice now? That's a good place for it. Yeah. I love that we, we joked about doing the thing and then we did the thing. Well I mean yeah it's I mean that's the fucking McRoy away it's a slice of life that's what we do here on my brother and my brother. Tragedy plus, tragedy plus this podcast equals comedy I guess because that's that's my life right now and actually it's great it's fine. I actually would say in this circumstance poop in your hand plus me not being you equals very very funny. Fair enough. All right let's uh we still help people on the show. Sometimes, sometimes we play fucking Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah uh sometimes
Starting point is 00:07:05 we do Griffin um but uh right now we're helping people so let's do this. Thank you by the way for for continuing to put the show together in my absence Griffin and Travis. I really appreciate it. Uh just don't do this again. Yeah. I will not for uh for nine months at least. My girlfriend and I recently went to a movie. Okay. Wanting good seats we went to a row in the middle of the auditorium and selected seats in the middle of the row. As soon as we sat down a girl in the seats behind us very loudly said seriously. I glanced back a minute later and saw that she had moved a few seats to her left so that she wasn't directly behind us. Are we good or did we commit a film viewer faux pas by
Starting point is 00:07:49 sitting in front of her? To our credit it was stadium seating and neither one of us are very tall. That's from Naive in North Dakota. Interesting. Um yeah because are we are we talking about sight lines or sight lines the issue or is this the issue that you went to what sounds like a relatively empty movie theater and decided to sit um you didn't leave a buffers uh uh uh because proximity's an issue. Yeah. proximity's an issue there but I would say here's the thing that's her issue and not yours. Well I think if you I know you walk into a movie theater if someone sits too close to you and you want to move the onus is on you at that point. I don't think I don't know about that if it's otherwise empty and someone sits directly in front of me that's
Starting point is 00:08:30 gonna feel intentional to me. No I'm gonna tell you it's intentional if it's directly beside. No I know in front works too and but here's the thing in a trillion years in a in a bajillion years I could be at the midnight opening of the last Harry Potter movie which I don't know if you guys know this is my most anticipated and also greatest film of all time and for some miraculous reason the theater was empty except for myself and then somebody walked in and sat in front of me I wouldn't fucking say anything. I wouldn't because you're trying to get whisked. I'm trying to get my way to it yeah and like saying that is going to impact both my experience their experience the experience of everybody who has to be a part of the fact that
Starting point is 00:09:12 I just made it super uncomfortable. Is it possible that she was not referring to you sitting down but some other factor that had just become apparent like she just realized. Did you wait did you let out a did you let out a huge rungy fart. Maybe she just sat down and found that the the chair she was sitting in was full of farts the foam had absorbed the fart of a two hour previous okay so maybe you sat down and almost at that exact same instant she put her hand on her arm rest oh my god there's jelly all over yeah seriously Justin's been here. Who ordered that pricey movie theater jelly only to leave it on the arm rest. The trick is you bring your own in and a little ziplock bag. Travis that's how you get past it they charge like 650 for some jelly it's people like you they're
Starting point is 00:10:05 ruining the jelly industry there just had to say you know you go to the alamo you go to the alamo draft house they bring you craft brewed jelly during the the movie you don't have to get up and because like you you'll finish jelly and like I fuck I can crush one of those tubs in like 20 minutes maybe and then what am I gonna do get up and do that maybe six times seven times depending on the length of the film if I if during fucking boyhood we're talking about like 12 jam jars I I have to admit I don't think it was a huge faux pas but I do think that it is it feels a little bit inconsiderate to sit directly in front of somebody when when you have a lot of other but I do I do understand though like if they picked middle seats and you picked middle seats but maybe leave a row if possible
Starting point is 00:10:51 everybody wants to sit in the middle especially in a big stadium seating like i max kind of thing but maybe leave a roll a row between you if possible but that's okay but that's not how space works like it obviously the ideal like position is like row four or five in the direct center right and then the next best one is like the row behind that or in front of that in the same exact position but then it's a there's diminishing returns you get too close what am I fucking even seeing is that is that you know Bradley Cooper's nose no it's a house it's a raccoon it's a raccoon god damn this movie is transporitative did you guys did you guys remember did you ever like when you were you know a teenager going on some dates did you ever encounter a thing where like you'd
Starting point is 00:11:34 sit and be by yourself and then either like it was always older people or like you know like wanting to sit close to you like I know what you guys are going to get up to not on my watch and I want to or or explicitly on my watch only on my watch I always got it like they were just trying to like ruin whatever you know necking I was planning for that evening but maybe they were just going like no go go on wait you're telling me that uh old people tried to ruin something for me Travis I don't know that doesn't sound like they're mo I think your mistake was being at the same movie than an old person would want to go see well that's the thing is if you're like 15 or 16 that is you're out like you're going to see Toy Story 2 and guess what so are super old people
Starting point is 00:12:18 because they know there's not going to be any violence or boobs in it I have a a theater etiquette question for you guys and I want to know if I'm making too big a deal out of this I the my my like theater pet peeve I mean obviously the the obvious stuff you know talking during Godzilla and and things like that that drives me crazy but uh people who continue their conversations once the trailers have begun is that not uh is that a DMZ or is that like is that still a safe zone for chatting because some of us like trailers more than movies a lot of times they're like short movies because I don't I don't know if you guys know I'm a dad now I don't get to the theater a lot so a lot of times trailer is going to be the closest I'm going to get to seeing that movie so
Starting point is 00:13:02 basically you're in you're ruining the movie for me here's I actually have a rule of thumb about this if the movie theater lowers the lights to the same level that's out for the movies you lower your volume to the same level you would for a movie if they take the lights to half you can continue your conversation at half volume are you saying that in case of technical error that brings the house lights to full midfilm you will just start shouting have you ever been in a movie theater and they brought the lights up to full has everyone just stayed quiet no everyone goes Travis actually follows that I don't know if you notice this Justin but Travis follows that rule with just his everyday sort of life so like during the intimate times maybe in the bedroom he's like
Starting point is 00:13:50 what I can't understand what you're saying to me are you trying to be intimate you want to be turn the lights up my pee pee is ready well turn it turning down a little bit maybe in the middle Travis is basically photosensitive that's what you're saying at a baseball game at night with all the lights like blasting those fucking Friday night lights forget about it forget about it he's the loudest thing in the universe you guys want yahoo absolutely yahoo was um so who was sent in by a man named drew Davenport a legend one might say thank you drew it's by yahoo answers user pineapple lifesaver who asks why do so many people buy lunchables you could put your own together for a lot cheaper just put some meat cheese and crackers in a gladware container uh the world
Starting point is 00:14:42 fucking thanks it's update it's not cheaper though for the tiny handful of food that you get even at one dollar they're using the cheapest quality of ingredients buying some cheap turkey american singles and ritz saltines will give you the same amount of 10 or more lunchables for half the cost holy shit that can't possibly be right all right first off blasphemy they're saying 10 or more lunchables for half the cost we're talking about 20 fucking homemade lunchables per lunchable proper that's a lot of margin has anyone ever bought a lunchable thinking i am i'm a thrifty consumer this is yeah doing you're not you are neither a thrifty you're not fiscally smart you are not making a good nutritional decision you are basically just saying i i i'm a piece of
Starting point is 00:15:31 shit well i don't want to do things either you're saying like i'm a piece of shit or you're saying like you know what i'm in a little kid treat myself hey eight-year-old travis who only wanted lunchables all the time but his mom packed him like actual sandwiches and apples and stuff because she cared for him but at the time he would look around the other kids who ate lunchables and think what fun lives are they leaving if only i was more of a lunchables type kid but i wasn't so maybe 25 year old travis buys eight year old travis a lungeable and sends it back to him through his tummy we've got to go back can an adult can an adult not just enjoy a motherfucking lunchable though without those auspices i'd like you guys are throwing a lot of shade of
Starting point is 00:16:14 lunchables right now i knew we i knew we love horses on this podcast but i do not know we love high horses quite so much but our munchables not the same like i put them in the same category as the hot pocket you should do one toaster strudel yeah it's a fucked up venn diagram you just weave a hot pocket's a lot of work you gotta push the buttons and and a lot of fiddling but let's let's a lunchable you have to construct your own they don't just hand you a package that's customizable kids love that let's um we're getting away from the fucking heart of the matter um and i want to get us back to it and now okay if you want to fucking time travel i'm eight years old i roll up to school i bust out a gladware it's a it's a lunchable on it but you spelled it differently
Starting point is 00:17:00 to avoid from what the fuck is that it's it's a munchable it's a what a munchable dad my dad made it for me and he said it's just as good and what are you i'm literally gonna cry i'm literally gonna what are you all eating uh we're eating lunchables that uh they're brand name lunchables that our rich parents got us at the store what was yours called munchables what's in it um looks like some looks like i got some oyster crackers and a nice note what seems to be a hair looks like a hair i'm this is one of my this is one of my new dad jerry's hairs it's the container smells like slimy because it used to have slimy in it that's how we got it we can't afford to buy gladware either we're just reusing the old containers have you guys ever noticed with
Starting point is 00:17:48 gladware when you store like a maybe like a tomato sauce or a base product in it for an extended period of time and then you wash it and it's still that color yeah what is happening there what is the poorest thing in his photosynthesis is that is that osmosis through the through the plastic can you is this a can i rock munchables in the modern workplace if i roll up and i have fucking gladware container and i've written munchables on there in a sharpie and maybe some of the letters are backwards uh just to like really drive it home and uh i'm just like jerry from accounting walks in and he's like what are you eating there i say oh munchables uh and i don't know i don't know why and i prefer that boys work for the eight-year-old yeah i prefer a
Starting point is 00:18:32 fucking snack cracker tower and i eat it from the top down like a t-rex uh am i okay am i good i think i think if you if i got to watch you do that just make a huge stack of crackers and cheese and meat and then just deep-thread it just put your head at the top and just keep getting until it's all gone munchables these what these are munchables yeah i'll make you some i'll bring some in tomorrow the weird thing is it's like a the sadness is greater than the sum of its parts because if you just brought in like a container with crackers a separate container with cheese separate container but that's not weird to me but you put it all in the same container and transport it that way and it's like a hundred percent sadder of course context is important
Starting point is 00:19:17 in this situation if i eat crackers and then in another room i eat some lunch meat it's not going to be a thing but if i try to give it my own diy fucking pinterest branding then we have a situation all right this is an interesting question for you about lunchables if you go to a party let's say where there are crackers and cheese and little pieces of meat i don't think there's a number of those things that you would eat at which point you would say well i've had lunch now me did you have lunch yes i did you guys are you're i grazed here you guys are now i've had limiting your scope to the fucking snack cracker lunchable um box set there was a lot more variety in there for for our dirty north american bento boxes essentially is what we're
Starting point is 00:20:10 talking about uh i don't know if you guys ever sampled the pizza which was oh my god pizza and cold um i can i have very clear memories of watching uh an adjacent rich kid eat the pizza lunchable and being physically repulsive the idea of eating cold all of it cold and they would call it pizza and it turned myself let me take you let me take you down the ooble yet to even further uh just peer into the darkness with me and we'll talk about the definition of the word soft taco uh because lunchables also had that uh that game uh wasn't especially on point because you had uh a round thing it was the pizza it was the fucking pizza crust and then they had a a cold essentially giant ketchup packet but instead of ketchup it was ground meat question mark
Starting point is 00:21:10 i don't know how you would make was a meat was uh uh in quotation marks it was also an acronym it was uh bad news bears i don't know how you would recreate that for the munchables um brand but i think that there is a lot of opportunity there we could probably get some vegan free option vegan free gluten free no vegan vegan glove i think all lunchables are inherently vegan free anyway this person has a great point i'm gonna take this to shark tank thank you yahoo a few years ago i took the plunge and moved to rekyovik iceland it's a beautiful country and its popularity as the vacation destination has been growing over the past few years there are frequently cruise ships docked here which discharge a few hundred tourists every few days man i hope this
Starting point is 00:21:52 question's about a grift i haven't finished it yet but i realize it's about a grasp when i walk through the city i encounter lots of said tourists taking photos my question is what's the acceptable social norm when you encounter someone taking a photo and you're pathively through their field of vision should i wait for the person to take the photo continue on my way regardless whether or not it would ruin the shot any advice you could offer be much appreciated that's from in frame in iceland that's beef i'd love to get up there sometimes oh yeah i was just watching the simpsons about that the the uh the travel log the simpsons the there's no carl do they get the aurora boreanus up there the david boreanus that was in the episode of the simpsons so i'm i'm
Starting point is 00:22:35 hoping so um i say uh keep on keep it on i i think jkl i think just keep living and just keep walking if they get you in the shot then they have actually gotten some fucking local wildlife in the picture well i i i think you go one step further i think you don't just walk through you get in the shot you pose you act like look at this right give it kind of a thing like you they ask you to be in the picture or even better they were like hey steve get over i might take a picture of you and then you just kind of pose and like gesture towards the you know the mountains well i think it loses some of the magic if they have to ask for it then it's not candid i think maybe you carry around a giant swordfish with you a really big swordfish that maybe has a little bit of ice still on it
Starting point is 00:23:20 and um whenever you see somebody taking a picture you scurry over there as fast as you can and you hold that swordfish over your head proudly and you make like a jovial laughing face and it's like i caught look at this i caught this local sword fisherman mid catch how happy is he god i wish i was that happy anymore diane that's how memories are made i think it it's all about your angle if you're behind the person then your local color if you're in front in the foreground you're messing up the focus you're you're making yourself i mean you're basically turning it into an album cover for you that's such a good question is there someone in are these people taking photos of like the scenery or are they taking pictures of people because if it's of people i i'm way less likely to keep going
Starting point is 00:24:06 but if it's just like taking a picture of a beautiful building they found or a lovely landscape yeah i'm i'm just gonna keep walking i think the problem though with your guys two lines of logic is that you're thinking about the feelings and desires of the picture taker and not my own feelings and desires to become either an internet meme of like swordfish iceland man or maybe a local legend uh vis-a-vis the moth man only i'd be swordfish man and i would i would carry with me portents of um terrible destruction so like you would hold the swordfish but like maybe have your back to the camera and just the last minute turn and look back just like half a face and a swordfish uh-huh and it's like he's in every photo he's in every photo and that's been taken in recubic
Starting point is 00:24:57 how did that happen oh it's just like on uh oh what's that show with the kid from uh the dawson's creek and and it's the french it's the french and there's the bald man he's in all the photos and he's holding a swordfish it's also dawson's creek there was a season where there was just a guy just and he had a swordfish and he was in every shot of this show did you guys know the observer uh which chariotian first is from honeyton was virginia well you just think that because he's fucking all over the place he's everywhere he's everywhere did you watch the show yeah i mean i watch the show i'm just saying he's from honeyton did you get the this the symbolism of the swordfish um i saw swordfish mm-hmm keep going keep rolling with it
Starting point is 00:25:40 keep going deeper that's all you know it was it was inoffensive i'd say some of the hacking was a little harder to buy specifically the hu jackman hacking specifically the all of it you hackman i don't buy it keep going i don't have what do you want me to say trev's johnson wolter was in another question i wish johnson wolter got more work there i said it my wife is terrified of brownfish uh oh we like to be outside of me i love adventuring in the water okay stop right there the pump the brakes chief i love adventuring in the water but anytime we leave the shore my are you a pirate like just the beach okay my wife freaks out because there might be roundfish near her apparently flatfish are fine wait she greases an irrational fear but just let
Starting point is 00:26:30 me just finish us she greases an irrational fear but just today she ran crying to the shore because a four inch trout swam by i'm sure that's something that she wanted the internet to know great job sir i don't want to give up my aquatic activities but i don't know how to help her get over her fear in bnb am what i what do i do and that's from if it's theophobic intro god damn justin nailed it you just said that word fucking you even like sleep battle like just like saying your words is not like your best thing and that's the hardest word i've ever seen and you did 100 percent and also you said recuvik really good you great great job great gary thanks um apparently what i've been missing all these years a reason to live so who knew roundfish is that roundfish
Starting point is 00:27:23 okay what are we talking is everything by staying ray because bad news bears that's the scariest fish that exists well no what's the one there's the one that like stays on the the floor of the ocean but it's just like it has the eye on both sides per i mean like is it like how nemos are flat and like fish like that like that don't have a lot of girth and then there's like the seaman and he's got the facing he's all round no trap nobody nobody's afraid to see man nobody loves seaman so kind of uh i oh okay so i the one thing that is weird about this is that i'm assuming if it's trout aren't trout just exclusively freshwater fish yeah it might incorrect there i we have no way of proving that probably not there's probably one trout that swam in the
Starting point is 00:28:08 ocean was like i i go i'll kick it here and then they had i get way more uh worried about like aquatic life when i'm in like a lake or a river above the ocean more than the ocean really yeah i just find it much more i think in the ocean it's just i don't know i i get a much more like uh uh uh under the sea kind of vibe and i guess when i'm in freshwater i get more of like a opening of true blood okay so it's like is it possible a big old cat is it we're going around through the ring you're assuming that the fish in the ocean are just like we live in the biggest fucking body of water just fucking rules and fish in the lake are like god damn those ocean our shit is like one one trillionth of one percent of ocean cool glad we're here right
Starting point is 00:28:56 would love to catch a plane and what's that no fish planes yeah that makes sense oh my body would die in the ocean that sounds fair thanks fish jesus i'm real confused if your wife is so afraid of fish why why is she continually putting yourself in a position to be the only place where fish are well it sounds like she's doing that to please well why not canoe why not yeah i have to get a pontoon boat because then you're just like above the thing that you're afraid of and they'll jump into the boat you see that shit you watch videos of like surfers like surfing and then like a stingray jumps through them it's like hey great job catching that wave you have a stingray shaped hole in you now can we focus i think that you know a fear of fish that's fine i have a fear of mice
Starting point is 00:29:47 people have fears my friend john mahaffey's afraid of spiders so much i think he pooped his pants when he saw some okay people are afraid of things again what this is the episode where people say things about people that they don't want said about them on the internet i don't i i i what i am more more concerned about is this guy is apparently so we have two references to his aquatic pursuits he loves adventuring in the water and he doesn't want to give up his aquatic what is he doing that this is such an inconvenience that he would come to us over this everybody gets one pretty much and this is this guy's one what is he doing in the water that that is so uh sacred that he he can't give it up for his lady aquatic activities very very suspect you know what you
Starting point is 00:30:38 right you could go to a pool i used to when i was a kid uh i would sometimes get into the deep end of a pool and i would have the thought what if there was a shark in here and then over the next few minutes of being in the deep end that thought would uh gradually congeal to fuck me there is a shark in here so if you're wondering if people are born with anxiety or they develop it i think you have your answer now so justin the fact that you could see through the water didn't do anything don't matter don't matter who's behind me he's avoiding made a glass glass shark glass shark glass shark love fat kid that's one thing about glass shark you gotta know glass shark can love the fat kid you stay out the water fat kid glass shark coming for you
Starting point is 00:31:36 get you down there bad deep water that dark water fat kid no go glass shark come to that dark water get you fat kid you swim around you bite your trucks right off you tubby little fish you swim all you want floppy flap around glass shark gonna come glass shark behind you fat kid you gotta swim swim faster pretend there's a corn dog at the end of the pool get out that dark water that dark water and glass shark coming for you fat kid he make you a snack he make you a snack he eat your brother he don't care he glass shark he in that bad dark water swim on over here once you cool off a little lemonade wave that glass shark move on down the next pond get that next factory don't let him get you now you see my right though oh fucking glass and a friendship
Starting point is 00:32:30 is born that lasts the ages oh my god glass shark by the way that guy wasn't black he was from oh sure we all got that should we clarify this episode is brought to you by prosper just the idea of it you can have money enjoy the idea of being prosperous it is brought to you by positive visualization focus on the word prosper no uh what if you knew that 72 hours from now you would have $35,000 what would you do coke bender check coke bender you pay off your credit cards start a business no whatever you want to do prosper is the place you can go for a low fixed rate loan now listen this is not the kind of thing that you typically come to us for we get that you're you're already coming to us for this kind of thing we know you're someone who likes to take
Starting point is 00:33:38 chances okay prosper is is uh uh the high tech answer to personal loans they got a peer to peer lending process they don't charge a bunch of fees they don't raise interest rates and you'll never ever this is the best part you'll never set foot in a bank good listen like anyone who's ever looked for a loan before it's like a sweaty awful process you know what i mean even if you know you have good credit and you know you're in a good place there's something about sitting down in the bank and having someone sit across from you while they go through every inch of your life in front of you and judge whether or not you're a good bet to get to give money to so when i do it over the computer and not have to face that kind of judgment you know no sweat required no sweating but here is if you
Starting point is 00:34:25 think about it like um any kind of funding site this allows you to say i need a loan for uh you know maybe you're doing a big cross-country trip or you need to you know fix the stairs on your house something like that something that you need a loan for and you plan to pay back when you go to prosper you say this is what i need the loan for and then people throughout the world can give you that loan and then and when you pay back your loan you're paying back them so there's no bank involved it's other people are giving you the money you need and then you're paying that back and if you get a loan through posper and you tell them the brother's mackerel i sent me uh you can get a $50 visa prepaid card when when you get that loan just go to prosper.com slash my brother
Starting point is 00:35:16 and you can actually get your uh you can check your rate like instantly and it won't affect your credit score so you can see you know sort of where you can get in at by going to prosper.com slash my brother it's all one word chives you have to read this legal stuff or i'll solve three of us will go to jail and you know if you have any questions about it uh there are other restrictions apply you gotta see the site for program and visa prepaid card details all personal loans are made by webbank a utah chartered industrial bank uh it's a member of fdic equal housing lender so just go check it out for all the details this is like a real ass thing this this is just like some funny website you can tell it's a real ass thing because there was text we legally had to read or else we
Starting point is 00:35:55 don't go to jail together go check it out that legal text let you know what when you're getting your prosper loan i have a great idea when you're getting prosper loan maybe cut yourself off just a little bit extra maybe just slide a few extra bucks in there so you go to naturebox.com and get yourself some food also maybe maybe you need a loan for snacks i need a snack alone you're not going to need a snack load these snacks because these are affordable they're healthy they're they're delicious there's no uh uh uh uh uh trans fat there's no high fructose corn syrup some of the snacks are low in sugar and don't have gluten and uh they'll ship to you for free you go to naturebox.com uh slash my brother and you pick out the snacks that look good to you there you
Starting point is 00:36:41 guys rocking anything new i haven't got a new box in a while uh uh the peanut and nom nom's are very good i'm actually we got a we got a coffee coated popcorn oh that sounds amazing amazing i'm um i'm on a fog cleanse actually that's where you just uh oh thanks for asking uh it's where you just eat fog you just eat fog uh whether it's like natural i mean obviously the natural stuff is the best if it's a foggy day outside you just go outside but otherwise you're gonna need like one of those fogger machines that they use for like Easter pageants when they roll away the stone and it's like whoa but once you finish your fog cleanse go to naturebox.com slash my brother you're gonna get 50 off of your first month's box um and delivery is always free so you don't have to worry about it
Starting point is 00:37:33 um i'm telling you we every week it seems like more and more people are saying like i finally tried it thanks it's wonderful so what the hell are you waiting for what are you even doing i got a message for steven from Takoma who says a happy birthday because you couldn't wait and open to all of your presents before your actual birthday i went ahead and bought another one and hit it here's your clue this one isn't in my office or in a closet good luck and hopefully you don't find it before they read this message if you do you owe me like a whole dollar i'm confused is i thought for a second that this was the present and that they hid it inside our fucking brains and voices oh my god that's the best place to hide something i think total recall um i gotta say steven you need to slow your fucking
Starting point is 00:38:20 roll for like a minute do you not know how presents work they're they are a representation of how thoughtful i am about like how much i know about you and if you look that shit up ahead of time you ruin it you ruin it and and i'm just i'm just gonna throw this out in in the day and age of amazon and everything getting shipped to you if you're within like two weeks of your birthday and you get a package don't just tear into it like an animal clearly clearly it's a birthday present you yeah savor the flavor it's from me but really it's for me speaking of which griffin one quick break griffin i wanted to thank you because right before this podcast my wife and i enjoyed the chicken pot pie that you bought for us and it was off the charts we sent you that shit like
Starting point is 00:39:06 mouth-sloppingly delicious three weeks ago yeah we were in the hospital for a little while and it's kind of hard to get home to cook a pot i'm saying but it was it was still cool i'm saying get pie it's in the freezer it's fine it was absolutely delicious i'm not gonna mention who who made the pie initially because pay me yeah but uh but yeah it was delicious i wanted to thank well thank rachel i didn't i i didn't get i didn't get you a quiet i didn't technically i got me lots of stuff i gotta tell you i technically i technically did also not get you a pie my wife my very thoughtful wife did it was was really good okay enough of that bullshit here's the greatest money zone spot we've ever had oh jesus who is this message for it's for present day chris and who is this
Starting point is 00:39:53 message from from past chris hey me how's it going you're probably stressed at work when they're reading this so i hope this cheers you up speaking of work did you get a new job yet what about your gender stuff no rush but have you figured out any of that is the cat still peeing on the rug i bet he is that pb boy can't be stopped all the best you and when asked when what date he wanted he said surprise me oh see this is how you hide a fucking present fucking chris hit a fucking person from himself and he gave me the joy of giving it to him i'm gonna throw that out i'm not going to jump to conclusions yeah but it's the greatest thing all i can picture is that chris hit enter in the keyboard and then erase this memory just somehow it's like eternal sunshine
Starting point is 00:40:48 the spot was behind whoop was gone this is solving a sustainability problem that we've had for so long now which is that if everybody on earth buys a money zone spot for somebody else on earth we are having the number of money zone spots we could ultimately get if everybody just bought them for their own fucking selves and then that's a direct uh roi says that this is the best money zone message ever is this best better than hit thanks for vibing and keeping it tiny i don't need me hit me up i'm on my mobile okay okay that wins for best content this wins for best concept conceptual by the way if you have not yet been in my brother my brother me appreciation group on facebook get there get approved and see the uh the illustration that lucas williams created for
Starting point is 00:41:37 thanks for vibing and keeping it tiny see me hit me up i'm on my mobile it's a baby talking to a cell phone the baby's it's pretty good stuff um it's pretty the application process is i'm not gonna lie to you guys it's pretty strenuous i check how many groups are in i see if you're in any bullshit groups and then i say yeah okay you can come in if you post shitty memes or or or listen to my podcast or degrading photographs no thanks we we don't need you here we don't need your services or try to sell jeans or try to sell jeans or sunglasses a lot of people on there seem to sell jeans selling under the group and selling jeans if you're made of cyber bits you are not welcome here no thanks no robits i have a yahoo answer do you guys want to wait before we go on
Starting point is 00:42:20 if you uh would like to buy a money zone spot for someone you know or yourself yep just go to maximum fun dot org forward slash jumbotron and they're gonna set you up for all that birthday messages and if you have like a website or a product that you want um us to talk about and tell people to go check out just go to maximum fun dot org forward slash jumbotron this is episode like 215 we've been with uh max fun since like episode 38 and i still get emails every week like six or seven that say how do how do i get a money zone spot well that's that's only because we're fucking terrible at telling people how to do anything so i i'm gonna make sure i say it again maximum fun dot org forward slash jumbotron thank you i love you hi my name is dave and my name is grail now what do we
Starting point is 00:43:06 have to do to put you in a brand new podcast today yeah what do you want me to drink bleach i'll do it yeah dave will drink if that's what it takes to get you to listen to stop podcasting yourself on maximum fun dot org don't make dave drink bleach just listen to the show he will but don't make him stop podcasting yourself here's a yahoo answer that was sent in by alan black thank you alan blacks by yahoo answers user sas who asks is there a traffic ticket for sexting hypothetical question that's it i just hypothetical it's fucking hypothetical until it's not anymore until it's manifest wait i'm confused by the parameters are they saying if someone sees you sexting while standing in a car in general yeah or is it like
Starting point is 00:43:58 while driving because i feel like that falls under a different category various from state to state right could be if you're texting in your car no matter what yeah you're fucked if the car is at a stoplight you're fine just don't move while you're texting or there was a whole 15 minute spot on car talk about not sexting while you drive is there fucking really you could tell me not to move while sexting you might as well start tell the sun to stop right yeah i gotta move till i find the exact right angle i'm gonna find my light i'm gonna find my angle it's going to model h2t that is head to toe i'm gonna i'm gonna bootch uh i'm gonna smize i can't you're gonna take a picture of my dig no i'll take a picture of my dick and bars no no no you're not gonna do that you're not
Starting point is 00:44:44 gonna do that that's a sexting i don't think involves dicks or balls okay so maybe i'm just gonna text like i'm gonna use my wiener so good on you so good you're gonna really enjoy it it's pretty hot so far i think you're gonna thoroughly have a good time your comment card is gonna be all fives uh-huh you're really gonna enjoy it oh god a cop sees you uh pulls you over excuse me so were you texting while driving yeah i'm sorry i just uh you know i i am too busy and like that this message couldn't wait the four minutes that it was going to take for me to get to fucking super america so i am sorry i was texting while trying i will take that ticket now uh hold on a second can i ask the subject matter of the text message of the sms it it was it was uh of a
Starting point is 00:45:28 medical nature okay i'm gonna need you to go a little bit deeper was it dick is about how good my wiener is it was about how great my wiener is sorry sorry i have to take you to double jail you know there's a new campaign to but when you get into a car to text your friend hashtag x and to let him know you're driving hey just to let everyone on my contact list no memaw meeps peepaw peepums everybody my hashtag x my old landlord's wife when i lived in chicago uh do need you to know just hold off for just like 15 minutes till i get to the super america um couldn't you just not look at your phone are you kidding have you met a 14-year-old no 14-year-old who's driving and sexting and he's drunk and he's drunk and i'm blindfold this kid is reckless
Starting point is 00:46:21 he's probably high he's got a knife in his mouth got a knife in his mouth and he's high because he lives in boulder colorado and he doesn't vote he just complains about how it turns out afterwards my mother fuckers never voted and he's always high and he's driving he's a danger to us what's on the back seats a monkey wait what where are we there's a monkey at the back seat is the monkey it's supposed to represent danger or awesome just the kid's back of the bone oh maybe oh maybe it's a helper monkey because the kid has no sense of judgment okay the monkeys in the back corner i don't know about i don't know robbie maybe take the knife out of your mouth robbie you should pull over you should get on high you should put the knife down and you need to text your dad your mom and
Starting point is 00:47:00 everyone you know hashtag x and maybe don't talk about your dick and balls when you talk about and don't well don't nobody should fucking be sexting you don't need me to fucking magic decision monkey to tell you to do that or a comedy podcast here's a the more you know ps a don't send pictures your privates to anyone or descriptions of your privates that link that's worse in a lot of ways depending on how good you are at writing justin go ahead with the next question i work in a call center part of our job is asking the client there's anything else we can do for them before hanging up maybe four or five times a day someone will say yeah the winning powerball numbers what that's crazy do you work at like a fortune telling place i don't think you delivered
Starting point is 00:47:45 it correct let me try um okay yeah the winning powerball numbers okay that's funny that is better actually that is funnier uh i know they're trying to be funny and nice and i don't begrudge them but after hearing that same joke and there are actually four sets of quotation marks around joke uh infinity times i'm incapable of polite laughter and sit there like a weeping angel looking into a mirror are there any funny responses that you could help me add to my repertoire so that i don't feel like a humorless ass five times a day is there anything i can do to associate this terrible joke with a good one and make it funny oh and that's from fake laugh failure in philadelphia here we yeah do you want to wait first let me say one thing you only need one response really
Starting point is 00:48:33 i mean you can have more in your quiver but the person's not gonna they're not gonna know they're not gonna talk to steve or like did you talk to that customer service person yeah what they say to you i did my great job fuck quick question do you want it to be funny to them we're funny to you you're trying to re yuck a yuckster no no no i'm saying i think travis is pointing out the one of the sort of uh one of the the facts of growing up is that you tend to you learn to treasure jokes that aren't exactly funny but are serviceable and make sense and can get you out of a conversation because i'm gonna tell you here's the thing as someone who's worked customer service and had to deal with these people who work they're not trying to be funny
Starting point is 00:49:19 they're using this like a fill in the blank drop it in so they feel like they've had some kind of interaction with you this is like what a thing they say when they can't think of something to say like how you do and how you know oh weather huh you know i mean this is just a filler thing you are trying to normalize the behavior of fucking space aliens travis because the normal thing that you say when someone says can i help you with anything else is no thank you could buy great service you don't even say that last part you don't even say no thank you you say buy and you hang up the fucking phone sometimes you even say buy because you're talking to a human automaton is the transaction over can i can i detect that you are trying to wrap this conversation up i'm
Starting point is 00:49:59 going to save us both a lot of time and just end just cut the line all right all right let's think of some not funny okay okay but serviceable answers i let me throw one out just to get things started uh there's a three in there somewhere that's all i like that let me put this out travis i swear to god if you say mother fucker i'm gonna start taxing you there'll be a tax you're gonna get a bill where's this bill come from try this one on for size oh fuck put this in your pipe and smirk it okay um okay justine you give me the powerball line nothing on my sleeve this time for sure why don't you try that okay justine give me the powerball
Starting point is 00:50:52 line yeah the winning powerball numbers well i'd love to but i'd get fired wow that fucking gave me the douchey as chills but okay wait hold on try can i try can i try one out you both did one let me try one okay travis you do the prompt for me this time yeah the winning powerball numbers a 69 you make a vigorous bud job okay justine give me a lie again yeah the winning powerball numbers six seventeen twenty three thirty eight six five whoa oh god what just happened and then you hang up the phone really try just give me the line okay yeah the winning powerball numbers 36 24 33 ah maybe she's so mixed with lots girlfriend
Starting point is 00:51:49 um kids justine give it to me yeah the winning powerball numbers sir i have a lot of people to get through today do you need anything or don't you yeah the winning powerball numbers please i need some escape i need an escape hatch from this life this prison life that i've constructed for myself around myself my family and i are the destitute i've been out of work for six months i need that's why i called the butterball hotline it sounds like i'm hanging on by a thread here sounds like you're in uh dire straits so 69 i'll get you out a lot of workplace pickles get you out a lot of workplaces yeah that too get fired let's end the show yeah we're done hey thank you all so much for listening to my
Starting point is 00:52:37 brother my brother me i sure missed uh doing this uh with with my brothers and i miss seeing seeing all you all and and hanging out with you all and uh and i'm certainly glad to be back so thank you for listening to our show again thank you people tweeting about our show like kyle star peter allenboil rich wilson todd hauser steve uh jb paul briner david laski rocket man sam dean lan bravo alpha rocket man again mia dan hindricksson so many others we're at mb mb am on twitter uh so you can just follow us there and tweet at us using the mb mb hashtag that'd be great and and thanks for all the nice feedback about the uh the uh adventure zone yep dnd episode we're uh we're fit we had a lot of people asking if we're gonna release the rest of it
Starting point is 00:53:33 like that was all that we've played but we are figuring out what doing more of that looks like in a podcast not this podcast but maybe another one um speaking of other podcasts if you enjoyed this podcast and you haven't listened to the other max phone podcast you are cool um there's tons of them not going to try to list all of them because there's way too many but i just saw on twitter that lady to lady just recorded an episode with french stewart oh don't tell people that because then they're going to try and fucking shame us because we were horrible to french stewart we were not it was all in fun it was all it was not in fun or in jest we were fucking horrible to french stewart doubt that too in our defense those were in the days when we couldn't imagine anyone
Starting point is 00:54:17 whatever listened to our show correct that was not as long ago as i think you guys think it was that was like 199 i'm sorry french stewart we were we were we were fucking growing we're learning that we when we say things about human beings sometimes those human beings can ostensibly hear what we say and it hurts them it would hurt me so go check out the other max phone um yeah please do they're really great and thanks to maximum fun for having us we love you yeah i really it it's a constant joy um i want to thank john roger too and the long winters as long as we're thanking people uh for the use of our theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed uh it's a it's a great album is listening to it on the record player
Starting point is 00:55:02 earlier today i played it backwards and i heard um i heard john roger's uh dark regards you guys want to finally out here yeah hit me that's finally out who was sitting by drew davenport is a yadru uh this yadru uh user steven asks what is the best moisture of all to use for love making oh god i'm just a macaroy don't try this macaroy i'm griffin macaroy it's been my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the mix maximum fun dot or comedy and culture artist owned listener supported hi everybody i'm just a macaroy and i'm dr sydney macaroy every tuesday we bring you solvones a marital tour of misguided medicine a show about all the dumb weird terrible ways
Starting point is 00:56:12 that we've tried to fix each other over the years you know some light summer listening maybe you want to hear about yogurt enemas or why we tried to eat mummies for a while or why drinking cholera diarrhea sounded like a good idea that and so much more is waiting for you every tuesday right here on the maximum fun network with solvones a marital tour of misguided medicine

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