My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 216: Under the Crust

Episode Date: September 8, 2014

Get ready for a master class in sports acumen and real-life football cheat codes with your Sunday Night Buddies, the McElroy brothers!!! Suggested talking points: EGOFFT, Work Cuss, Extreme Braces, Minkus Maintenance, James Johnson's, Hot and/or Ready, Moan Tactics

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Are you ready for some podcast about fantasy football? My name is Justin McElroy, and I got Travis and Griffin and we're ready to get some football. Make sure the laces are out like in Nice Venture Up, because it's time to talk some. That's your touchstone? That's your athletic touchstone?

It's amazing that we got Miranda Lambert to write that song for us. Fantasy football time is here again. It's the greatest time of the year. All your Sunday night buddies are back. Randy Moss, Brad Pennington, Johnny Unidos, Sargent Slaughter. The orc won from Mutant Football League. How does everybody like their fantasy chances this year? We are again in our dad's league, protective cup of soup.

My team, touchdowns and Abbey, is back again with the Dowager Countess leading the team to victory. My team, the Flying Marani, we got the second place last year, and I feel pretty good. I feel pretty good about my chances, if everybody doesn't blow it. I won last year's league with my team, Grid, Iron and Wine. A replacement name for the Mario Lopez dispenser, because I wanted something football in there. But how do I feel about my chances? Poor, very poor.

I did a great draft, but I don't think God's going to let me win this one twice, you know what I mean? He's very malevolent. He's a vengeful football god. I'm in three leagues this year. It's far too many. Did you start a league, Griffin? Travis, are you the commish on a league? I am the half-assed league, because I started the league and then forgot to get any players.

So I filled a 12-person league in one day. So tell me this, because you told me the contents, the constituent makeup of this league, and it sounded to me like you kind of just wanted to win a fantasy football league. And so you got a bunch of people together who didn't know what the fuck they were doing. It literally could not be a more random assortment of humans. And if you just like threw a water balloon into a DMV line and whoever got doused was on your team. I would say that there's a healthy number. What I tried to get was a balance of people who knew a lot about football and had played fantasy football before.

Like Lin-Manuel Miranda. Well, and people who didn't, but were excited to try it out, and I wanted to give them a safe environment in which to try their first round of fantasy football. Did you buffalo Lin-Manuel Miranda into your fantasy football? He was the first one to sign up. He was so excited about it. He's an excitable dude.

I just don't, I don't want you to bully him. I think what it is is he's got, he's got the Emmy. He's got the Tony. Now he needs whatever bullshit trophy I buy. He's got a Grammy too, dog. And a Grammy, yeah. He just needs that fantasy football trophy. That's the one, that's the one to claim.

That is escape to him. He's trying to get an ego. Yep. This could be his year. Maybe, maybe finally he can accomplish something and make his family proud. Yeah. Finally. For life.

So fantasy football is here. We're going to be taking your calls throughout the show, asking for our advice on which players to start, which players to stop, and which players, you know, how to happy week, which players are feeling a little blue, which players are cat people, which ones are dog people. And which ones have flubber. Yep.

It's a lot of people don't stop with that. They are, they are cracking down on flubber really hard. Really? Yeah. Yeah. That's why Josh Gordon was out. It's head to head tackles. They're, they're looking out for concussions.

They're looking out for wife beating, of course, and also flubber in that order. That's the order of importance to, to the ESPN. The ESPN. The end of that. Sorry. The ESPN. Is that the league that this is a governing body? The extra sensory perception network.

Let's move. That's, they can feel the flubber. Let's go ahead and move on. My friend who is now also my boss swears a lot at work. While it's never directed as employees specifically, it's usually in ways that feel over reactive and out of the blue for work conversation. It's generally shocking and uncomfortable for me. And I sense my fellow employees as well.

I strongly compartmentalize work and free time and swearing doesn't usually bother me more in casual situations. Do I tell him it bothers me since he's my friend? Or do I suck it up and deal with it? Cause he's my boss. And do I bring it up on or off the clock? God, all these are so good in Chicago. That's a great question.

Is it good? Here's my question. I, cause I've, I've had this personal debate for a while now. I feel like, listen, I'm, I'm totally down with cursing. I do it a lot, but there's something about, there's certain environments where it's so grating to me. Like if, if I'm out to eat with friends, you know, and someone's like telling a story and cussing a bunch like that doesn't bother me.

Oh no, that does. But if I'm in a bar, it doesn't. So the environmental nature of it really changes. But if we got it, there's so many layers here. Cause if you're talking about a cuss, this person's doing a cuss in a workplace, a cuss in a workplace environment, right? There's, there's a lot of different ways that that can be interpreted. For instance, if he gets back his company's financial report and they had a, a bat,

they underperformed in the fourth quarter, much like the Green Bay Packers said, in their Thursday nights, he's an opener. Thank you. If, if that happens and, and my boss goes, shit, then like, that's fine. But if he, you know, is just walking down the hallway and is trying to, you know, goof around with, with Jerry and accounting and goes, Hey Jerry, go fuck a dog. Then that's not, that is insufficient. That one.

Okay. So let me, well, let me draw a line in the middle of those two. What if it's like, you know, the, the 12 o'clock lunch hour, everybody's eating him, my course is today. And he's like, Oh, these leftovers taste like shit. Right. Hey Jerry, go fuck a dog. Okay, wait, go fuck a dog, Jerry.

Come on, man. You really, you really fucked the dog. Just go fuck a dog already, buddy. Jerry, you're two months late with this report. Really fucked the dog. We're going to fuck this dog or what, Jerry? Like if you're like, Hey, Jerry, stop being such a dick. If you're just clowning around, that's like, that's okay.

But if you're like, Hey Jerry, I'd like to squeeze your dick after a nice dinner and some cocktails and that's, that's something that's. Maybe we can get a dog in the mix too. Just saying. Ah, Jerry. All right. See you at the retreat. I mean, I, it's weird now that I have a kid.

It's, it's been like stopping cursing has been sort of like, uh, how I imagine a lot of people, uh, stop smoking. They keep moving back the, the drop dead red line at which point the, there can be no more. I mean, I, I am at a point right now where I'm still swearing, but I know that the, you know, she's too little to know what I'm doing. So that's fine. But I don't know that I'm going to be able to make the transition to not, I think you're just going to have to work really hard.

Okay. You got to phase words out, right? Like, yeah, exactly. Justin, real, real talk, look at that sweet baby's face. At what point are you going to allow her to use curse words in your home? Oh, she can do that. I, I, I am completely 100% morally unfazed by cursing. She can curse.

You say that now, but you get that child in a preschool or school. Now, okay. See, now this is what you're talking about, Griffin. I, I don't care if she curses at home. I do care if she curses at work when she goes to work. I need her baby to baby work. You, you old dog. Fuck are you, Jerry?

I can't make me look like a bad parent in front of the other moms and dads. I, to answer the question, I had, that's what we've been doing for five minutes now. But I want to say, but I want to say to say something. Okay. But I know that I in real life wouldn't like, I'd feel that need. It would be a little grating, but I also feel like maybe it's the kind of thing that over time give it a couple of months and that just because it just fades into the background. This is another weird quirk of the old office.

Unless you work at like a hospital or something. Well, then the problem is going to take care of itself. Go fuck a dog. I am. Is that a prescription? Yes. What if you were to start off? Okay.

What if you eased into it with like jokes? Like you start, like this is a pretty classic McElroy technique. You're seriously concerned about it, but you'll joke about it. Kicking on the square. Are you talking about, you know, we didn't, we didn't invent passive aggressive behavior. No, we didn't, we didn't invent passive aggressive joking though. I think passive aggressive, like it's not passive aggressive.

It's passive. It's like comical aggressive. Like you're, you're easing it. Like you're like, listen to you, Mr. Sailor with that salty tongue. You start there and then you say that every time and eventually it's, you're going to get it in his head. Like, are you serious?

Are you being serious with these right now? And then it's like, well, do you care? Are you opening the door to the serious conversation? I've joked my way into. Let me throw out another manipulation. You do passive aggressive roundabout complaints when you guys are out for drinks, like man, have you noticed how much people curse around the office? Yeah.

Don't make it about him. You just say like, in general, people use a lot of foul language there. It's kind of upsetting, right? In a workplace, I just don't think that's appropriate. Yeah. Invents him to make a new rule about cursing. Or you get him to institute an actual swear jar. His idea, you didn't have to do shit.

And let's go down another strata in the passive aggressive dungeon that we're burying ourselves in, just write down on a piece of paper. Boy, people at this office sure do swear a lot. And then you put that in an envelope and you bury it in the yard. That's, I think that's more passive than aggressive. I think that that's just passive. But if anyone finds that, oh boy, critical hit. Well, that's why you can't bury it in your own yard.

No, no, no, no. You bury it in the office yard. You guys want a Yahoo? Please. This Yahoo was sent in by Charles Greenman. Or perhaps Greenman. Nah, Greenman. Thanks, Charles.

It's by Yahoo Answers user Jocelyn who asks, Can I quicken the braces process? I heard somebody tell me that her daughter had braces, but she did the extreme tightening method. I've never heard of that before, but is it possible to get your braces extremely tightens so that you can quicken the process? Well, let me start off by saying I love when the name of any process tells you everything you need to know about the process. What are you things involved in the extreme tightening process?

That's pretty clear. I know that this bringing up this question was kind of a risk because it's a sort of a sticking point between the three of us. Why's that? Oh, because our smile is a part of it. Well, no, your immeasurable jealousy that I got corrective teeth framing. Griffin, you went with the normal average kind of worse tightening. It felt pretty motherfucking extreme to me.

How much of the scale of one to ten in which one is like butterfly kisses and ten is like getting stabbed in the eyeballs with like a blunt hot knife? Um, using the like doctor like face scale of pain, I was full blown Dawson's Creek season two finale. Gotcha. I was, I was like, uh, I was like, uh, that you were Frankenstein's monster in pain. I was intervention dad. Psycho cry.

It was, it was very, very bad. But I mean, like, can we emerald kick his up a notch though? Can I, if I had done, it took me two years to get through braces. And I guess if they had just like fucking tore the lever off, you know what I mean? Then they could have really juiced that process up and gotten it done in, I don't know. I feel like the orthodontist would always have to lead off with, there's like a 90% chance this just like powders your jaw. Yeah.

But there's a 10% chance you're done in a week. I want my teeth to move so fast I can hear them. It's what I hear the sound that they make when they move through my head. And it's screaming. That's the worry, right? That you'll, you'll do the tightening so well that you'll take them off and the momentum will still be pulling them together. You're a tectonic place.

All of a sudden you'll wake up, you got one giant fat tooth. Or they line up front to back. Oh my God, you just have two straight vertical rows of teeth. What do you want for dinner tonight, Justin? Well, corn. Obviously. Only corn, only corn ever. I don't know why our parents got like less tolerant of imperfection because I clearly like,

I have like a full like Michael Strahan gap up there. Well, Letterman was real popular. There were no concessions made to correct that. I think that they could see you in like a late night comedy kind of thing. I think that was their hope. I've got like a bit of an underbite and I think they're just like, well, that's the least weird thing about his face. So we're cool.

We're good. Is that it? They knew I was going to be overweight. Let's get our priorities in order. But do you take, do you take your medicine super fast and have it hurt? Or do you, do you make it more tolerable and stretch it? Because you guys don't understand. For two years, I was an unfuckable claptrap.

I was, it was, I mean, I was in middle school. How old were you? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Well, okay. For more reasons than one. But that was, it was a major contributor.

If you were to take a survey, if we were to do a family feud style survey of the women. We're doing a survey. Why aren't you fucking driven? I come back middle school because it's braces. Survey says being 55 braces. But here's the question. The question is, what's the trade off? Is it like it's going to hurt 50% more and you get them off one week sooner?

Or is it like it's going to hurt 20% more and you only have to wear them for six months? I'm saying we can jack. Because there's a certain balance. There's no limit to how fucking crazy you can get with the jacking. Just like limitless tightening. You just put a chain around it and a stick and you just have someone stand in front of you and twist that chain. That's basically what braces are, Travis. Yeah. Count your blessings, brother.

I just recently decided to head back to school in the hopes of improving my job outlook. A problem that most students have had to deal with has come back to haunt me. There's a student in the class who insists on making comments constantly. He has some experience with the coursework, probably from related classes, and constantly makes comments to show how much he knows and get ahead of the professor. Most people probably just deal with this and I had in almost every class I've taken. But I really hate this guy and all guys, or gals, like him. How do I get him to shut the fuck up so I could just enjoy my class?

That's for most annoyed in the mountain west. It sounds to me like you got a minkus on your hands. A real minkus. A real grade A minkus. Have we talked about dealing with a minkus before? No. No, we've talked about minkus a lot, but not how to deal with a minkus. Not preventative minkus measures.

How to attract and catch a minkus. Proper minkus care and raising. How to raise one from egg to hatchling. About his second level and third level evolution. Guys, my minkus has been in heat lately and there is like nothing I can do. It's just like fucking humping the window. You get that minkus, wait till he gets on a good tear, okay? Wait till he's like really, you know,

hearing some things to know about details. You wait till he's like really going, then what you do is you take the meaty part of your hand, you're going to put it on the side of your mouth just like this. And then you're going to press the palm in front of your mouth and then you're going to blow. Yeah. If that, that would be probably the best thing that's ever happened in this class. The teacher's going to be like A plus and he's going to give you a sticker or something. That minkus is going to get the picture.

Um, I mean, you've got to, you collusion with the teacher is necessary for the situation. If you're going to put this fucking minkus in his place, then you're going to need to talk to the teacher and get the teacher to ask minkus something that he could not possibly know about. Like a logical fallacy? I'm not saying, no, I'm not, no, I'm not saying like ask him if God could make a rock so big that he couldn't move it. Because maybe he's a robot.

More important, I think he's just a nerd, but no, you know what? I'm turning the corner on this whole question. So what? So what? Maybe that's what this person needs to, to excel educationally. I'm going to, I'm going to counterpoint because when I went back to school and took some psychology classes in one of my classes, there was just, it was the abnormal psychology. So every time we talked about any kind of different condition or disease,

there was someone in the class and it varied. It was always different. Who felt the need to throw out some kind of germane or non germane fact. Like my aunt had postpartum depression. Germane Dupree had postpartum depression. He did. And like we were all adults, we were all 18 or older. It was the most frustrating thing because if you're there to learn, if you're going back

to school to better yourself, and this is not like I'm an 18 year old who's in school because I feel like I have to, but rather a 25 year old who now appreciated how important school is. It's so frustrating when suddenly you want to learn and everyone in class is stopping you from doing it. It's like, I'm actually paying to be here and I care about this. And you guys want to talk about how this relates to you specifically. And that's like the worst. Alternative method, if you just wait until like season four, he'll just disappear.

That is correct. But you'll also lose Mr. Turner. You'll lose Mr. Turner and that's rough because I think he brought a certain something to the show. I mean your class, your life. He was a sensitive bad boy. He was. He rode a motorcycle and he took care of Sean Hunter.

How about a Yahoo? Anything. This is how he was sitting by John Severs or Severs. Is a Johnson too much to ask for? For one of these last names. A Thompson. Thank you, John Severs Severs. It's by Yahoo Answers user.

Fucking shit. Meow it's Tia. Who asks, good answer to the question. Why do you want to work for Chipotle? I am beyond stuck. I have been searching for a job for a year now and I really want to stand out to Chipotle. What would be a good answer to this question? Okay, Gavin asked me the question.

Why do you want to work for Chipotle? So I can afford to buy weed. Yeah. And also have a pretty good place to know people who will sell me weed. Probably. I don't want to throw stones. And then I've got stuff to eat when I'm doing weed because Chipotle's okay. Arguably the best stuff to eat.

God, I could have a crush on Chipotle right now. What time is it there? Chipotle time. No, what time is it actually on the Gregorian clock? It's 10.24 a.m. But Joseph's been up for eight hours. So he's at dinner time. He's like these prescriptive definitions of what time means.

They don't mean anything to me or my baby, but specifically my baby. It's the one good thing about being a dad is that I can eat Chipotle whatever I want. That's the one good thing about being a dad, Chipotle around the clock. Um, what is a good answer to the question? Why do you want to work for Chipotle? I mean, that's, I feel like you can extend this to... All the clothes I own smell too good. We can extend this to anything, right?

Because I remember doing a job interview at the country's best yogurt. And they were asking me like, what is it about the country's best yogurt brand that really attracted you to try and fill this position? And I was like, guys, do you really want to answer that? Oh boy, I love it. Because it's only a block and a half away. It was super close to my house and like, fuck ice cream, right? Too hard for me.

And I just love the smell of rotten milk. I had to deal with that when I interviewed at Jimmy John's. It was a very like, what's your passion? Why are you so serious about sandwiches? What does it mean? What does Jimmy John's mean to you? I had to do three interviews and take a test on the goddamn sandwiches. What can I tell you about the sandwich test?

How fucking hard could... They would give me a blank piece of paper. And without looking, I had to write down the name of each sandwich, what came on each sandwich, what came on the skinny versions of the sandwich, and what came on like the big Buford or whatever their huge sandwiches. Travis, how much of this knowledge would you say you still retain? I would say, Justin, that about 10 minutes after I filled up the paper, I forgot all of it. Yeah.

Okay. I never made a single sandwich in my two months at Jimmy John's. Well, okay, Mr. Big Shot, let's see if that's true. Justin, you are so good at gameifying this podcast. I would name some Jimmy John's sandwiches. Travis, you're going to tell me not joking now. I don't want any fucking jokes. I will try to be serious.

I want you to tell me what comes on them. Are you ready? Yes. Okay. Turkey Tom. I know that that was turkey. I'm good. Okay, good.

And I think there's like tomatoes and lettuce. Manays? That's all I got. That's exactly what's on the Turkey Tom, Travis. Travis, see? Travis, see? See, you fucking... Wait, I'm sorry, there's no cheese?

No cheese is like a fucking two and a half dollars extra, if you want any cheese on a sandwich. That's the Turkey Tom, Travis. It's time to get a little more challenging. Okay. Why don't you tell me what's on the veto? I know that the veto has... I want to say capicola, provolone, Italian dressing.

That's all I'm going to remember. That's pretty good. It's got lettuce on it, doesn't it? Salami, provolone, capicola, onion, lettuce, tomato, and Italian vinaigrette. You left a lot of stuff off that James Johnson sandwich. If you delivered that to my door, Travis, I would tell you shove this up your ass.

Go fuck it, though. That was my primary job at the Jimmy John's, the delivery driver, and the people you deliver Jimmy John's to on a Wednesday afternoon are some of the best people. Yes, real salt of the earth, real America. Real top notch. Travis, this bit's pretty funny,

so I want to keep it going with one last question. Okay. The JJ Gargantuan. That's everything in the store, plus a cookie and maybe a lemonade. You put a cookie on it. And then you dunk it in a lemonade, and then you deliver it to them in the lemonade cup. And you just kind of throw it at them,

and they catch as much as they can in their mouth. Drink this detritus slurry. You fuck up. Enjoy your filthy animal. And then you thank them for coming to Jimmy John's and you give them some free spells. I'm more curious to hear what you said to convince them that you fostered

a true and intimate love of the James Johnson brand that made you employ. I cannot remember, but what I can tell you is after two months, never making a single sandwich, because every time it came time to make a sandwich, they'd say, like, the huntsman or whatever it's called. And I would go to make it and say, I don't know how to make this. And they'd be like, just get our register.

We'll teach you later. And they never did. After two months, the day before I was going to quit, they offered me an assistant manager position. How long would you have to keep up this fucking ruse that, like, you would accept we have to train people how to make sandwiches? Yeah.

I'm like, oh, where's the peanut butter, Steve? We don't do peanut butter sandwiches? Just layer it on and just give it a good slather. I don't know, cucumbers? Fuck. Fuck it. No, I mean, that's why they wanted to elevate you, Travis, is because they realized that you weren't,

you were meant for something more than the grunt work. Yeah. Look at him. He's a guy. He's an officer. He's no enlisted man. Make that sandwich. Are you fucking kidding me?

I should be running this place. I'm not. I'm wearing the best now. It's about the sandwiches he doesn't make. He knows the forbidden sandwiches, the dark veto. I will say this. They were very impressed that when I was doing the register, I could do math in my head.

Yeah. That was very impressive to everyone I worked with that I could tell someone how much change they got without looking at the screen. It's because you had so much unoccupied RAM up there from not memorizing how to do anything else for the job. That is correct. I also didn't know where anything else was in the city.

So when I tried to, because it was in Norman, so when I tried to deliver sandwiches, it would usually take me 20 minutes longer than anyone else. He's just not, he's just not fit for that base level stuff. We have to raise him up. It is very much like when you see in movies and TV shows, those kids, you know, where it's like, well, maybe he's underperforming

because he's not challenged enough. He's been managing this store for two months now, and he's done a fucking terrible job. We got to keep bumping him up the ladder until we find something that interjects. They offered me the role of Jimmy John, and I turned it down. You're the new Jimmy John. You are, you are doing terrible at that, Mr. President.

Have you guys seen The Giver? It's kind of like that. That's how one becomes Jimmy John. He has to pass off all of his free smells to you. Let's get in the money. I'm tired of my shitty underwear. You need to wash it. You gotta, you shouldn't be wearing those.

Yeah. Crappy. No. No. Poogie diapers. Shit filled. You know, one of the, I think that one of the transitions from childhood to adulthood is when you buy yourself

like some really good underpants. Yeah. There's something about like, you know, everybody's got their favorite pairs of underpants, and then they've got their like off court buddies. It is, it is a defining moment when the, the, the number one factor for which underwear you're going to buy is how many come in the pack.

And if you're ready to move on up, we would like to suggest me undies. We've talked about glasses. We've talked about razors. You can buy Justin McRoy's underwear. Lightly, lightly used. And signed. Thoroughly cleansed. It's a dusting of farts.

Oh, Jesus. Me undies. They're all new. Me undies guarantees that you are not pre-worn. This, they're going to be the most comfortable underwear you've ever tried on. That's what, that's what we are, we are told. And they, they fit.

They don't ride up. And they pull, listen to this. They pull moisture away from your skin and keep you cool all day long. Now don't get, don't get scared. Because it's not going to pull all the moisture out of your penis or vagina like the mummy. It's not going to be dust. Like that scene in the movie, the mummy.

When Brendan Fraser pulls all that moisture away from someone's dick. Don't be scared of that happening to you in real life. It's not going to happen. Dwayne The Rock Johnson is not going to remove all of your dick water or vagina. Here's the awesome thing. Not only are they comfy, not only are they going to keep you cool all day long, but they also look great. Yeah.

You can go to meundies.com and check out all the different styles and everything. And it's really pretty cool. They know what I like about the styles, Travis. They have matching styles for ladies and dudes. So if you and your SO want to get a matching pair, I don't, that's. If that's a concern for you. Go to your town. I really only have to worry about that when I like fucking bend over to pick

something up and the top of my stuff pops out. Dad got me a pair of Xbox boxers for Christmas when I was like in high school that I still have. And sometimes I'll wear those and I'm like, you know, mowing the lawn and I'm like, I just need something to get juicy, you know, and I don't want to ruin my good stuff. And so I'll wear those and I'll forget about it and someone will come over and I'll bend over and they'll say, what the fuck are you wearing? Are those X boxers? And I'll say, yes, I'm an X spot for life.

I love, I hate Crash Bandicoot and I love Blinks the Time Sweeper. That's what I tell them. If you love Blinks the Time Sweeper too, you can go to meundies.com slash my brother. That's meundies, M-E-U-N-D-I-E-S.com slash my brother. And you'll get 20% off your first order. And right now you can get free shipping in the US and Canada. Are you guys ready? I'm going to blow your mind.

Don't mind if I do. I'm going to blow your mind because I'm looking at meundies.com right now. They offer, okay, so they have like, you know, a 10 pack of briefs, like a, you know, three pack of t-shirts. They offer a 365 pack of underwear. Holy shit. That will do me for half a year. Now it is $4,000.

Is it really? Yes. But, but, I mean, that's, you are good for life. Well, for a year or half a year. Well, if you wear a pair of underwear a day and then throw them away at the end of the day, then yes, you are good for a while. Mediawear is the most expensive disposable underwear on the market. Listen, sometimes there's, there's some people that have to do that.

Can we not fucking judge? I thought this was a safe fucking space. Go to meundies.com slash my brother and get 20% off. Oh, highly recommend. All right. You're in your underwear. You're comfortable. What are you going to watch?

Time pass? No, you're going to watch Hulu Plus. I can't believe anybody doesn't know about HuluPlus.com. It is where you can watch currencies and episodes of your favorite shows like Modern Family, Daily Show with Don Stewart and every episode. Did you say Don? I'm sorry, with who? Sorry, with Don Stewart.

I believe you said Don Stewart. I'm almost 100% sure you said Don Stewart. Hi, everybody. I'm Don Stewart and welcome to The Daily Show. Start me, Don Stewart. I hope you enjoy. Good times at all. We're going to take a look at all the big news stories from today,

and then we're going to put a comedy twist on them. Enjoy. I'm Don Stewart. It's Don Stewart sound like Diane Reib. You're going to watch every episode of shows like South Park, which you're going to only get on HuluPlus. That'd be a good binge. That binge would go down really smooth,

but you don't just have to watch it on your computer. It's on smart TVs. It's on your Roku. It's on your Apple TV. It's on your any streaming device. It's on my what? It's on your Xbox. Oh boy.

I hope those PlayStation jerks never get it. There are some shows that you can only get on Hulu. Like it's just Hulu stuff. There's a there's a new season of East Lowe's High, which was last summer's, and I'm quoting, Summer Breakout, Summer Sizzler. So that's that's got sex and love and you like those things. I love those things.

They got Hot Wise of Orlando, which is a parody of the Real Housewives. It's a very funny case of Wilson, Christian Shalom and others. There's also the awesome's, which is Seth Meyers show. It's about a group of superheroes. Oh, and Quick Draw. There's one called Quick Draw, which is an improvised comedy set in the Wild West.

Highly recommended. Highly recommended. There's five out of five. And they still have the profit, which is like the best. And Boss Burgers, which is like Teresa's favorite thing ever. It's a pretty good show. We've watched Boss Burgers straight through like seven times. So you can get infinite television programming for $7.99 a month.

But if you go to huluplus.com slash my brother all in word, you can get a two week free trial into the huluplus experience. That's an extra week on top of the standard trial they offer. And we'll give it to you. Half a month. Go to huluplus. Look at it this way. You're going to sign off.

It is inevitable. You're going to do it eventually because everyone's doing it and you don't want to be the last one at the station. So why not just do it now and get a week free and just get it over with. Just get it over with. Do it. I'm sure that's what the nice people hulu want to hear us say about their product.

Just get it over with. Just rip that fucking band-aid off. Thank you hulu. huluplus.com slash my brother. Try it out. Got a message for Liz real quick from Erin who says, to my beautiful wife on her big three O. Does that mean she's 30 or that she's won three games and lost zero?

That's it. Happy birthday. Great fantasy performance. Happy birthday to my favorite human and the greatest development director or occupational therapist or small business owner or whatever new career ideas you've come up with. Animal trainer. Anyway, you're the best.

Here's to me. Erin, can you chill with the passive aggressiveness for like one birthday message please? Here's to many more years of having fun and making frighteningly detailed life plans. Great. I think this is Erin's way of saying happy birthday and also if you could help out with the rent and also get something. Oh, happy birthday. Happy birthday, Liz.

Give me a great one. Erin loves you very much. You know what? He didn't ask for this, but like I think small business owner sounds just about right for Liz. You could be a small business owner slash animal trainer. But not. I'm talking about the building size. Oh, okay.

I want it to be little. I mean too big and you got to pay for like here. This is my food truck where I train animals. Yep. It's little. It's a little truck too. The littlest food truck. Oh my God.

If you could open the littlest food truck, you're going to make bank. It's just a Ford F-150 with a fucking pop-up tent. I got a message for Kevin Schmidt from Alex and Sarah and this is a really good message. So, so get comfortable. Hey, Schmidt. Want to play Diablo later? I it's awesome. It's amazing.

I better. This was another one that said whenever that there was no specified day. So they are open to playing Diablo later any day of the week. I imagine they probably wanted this to go up a little bit closer to when Diablo launched on consoles last month, but whatever. He's been asking them about playing for like weeks. Yeah. Are you guys sure?

Can we please play? Not yet. Yeah. We'll tell you when you're ready. No, we'll tell you when we're ready to play. I feel like the Jumbotron, which by the way, if you want to get a message on the show, go to maximumfund.org slash Jumbotron and you can get that set up. But I feel like people used to treat Jumbotron as a canvas upon which they would paint.

And then some some like intrepid individuals have begun using the Jumbotron itself as the medium. You know what I mean? Like they are they are shaping the the vehicle known as the Jumbotron into its own form of art. And it's becoming like a social networking platform in and of itself. Right. And we get hundreds of dollars from it. So it benefits everyone. Keep on trying.

Keep on vibing and keeping it tight. Keep it so so tight. I'm Jesse Thorne. Bullseye is all about discovering the good stuff in culture that will do nothing less than change your life. You know, I've never heard anything like it before. It'd be like seeing a new color, which I guess is music's biggest asset is that you can hear new sounds.

I'll probably never see a new color. I'll probably never experience like a new crazy taste. But I'll hear new sounds constantly. Culture picks, comedy and in-depth interviews. It's the good stuff and just the good stuff in popular culture every week on Bullseye. Subscribe to iTunes or find it online at maximumfun.org. Hi, brothers. There's a cute sign shaker girl on the corner a few miles from my house and I want to ask her out.

What the fuck? My question is how to approach her. I'm assuming pulling up in my cars out of the question, good instinct. And she's surrounded by empty plots of land. So there's no other reason for her to be there. Hold on. What's the sign for? Here's one good tip.

Don't admit to being the sort of person that know just empty plots of land. I don't want a survey before asking someone out on a date. I have some clean routes of exit. Is her sign for the empty plots of land? Look at all these plots. Please buy one. I'm so lonely. This town is collapsing.

Maybe she's starting a new town. Help me, buddy. You want into signville? Help me buy these plots. I'm starting. Huntington, Jr. Can you help me approach her and strike up a conversation in the least awkward possible? This is from seeking signs in San Jose and the answer is no.

Well, I think you just got to make your own sign that says want a date and then stand across the street from her and spin it. No. No? I won't do. None of this is going to do it for me, guys. What if you can deeply impress her with your sign spinning skills? And she's like, oh, you're the one.

I have a rule and I think we've talked about people treating like bank teller windows like a lady zoo where they just pick the lady that they want to ask out because Which is fucking horrible. It's horrible. It's not a marriage. Here's my new rule. Don't ask anyone out if they are not in a position where they cannot turn on heel and break into a full sprint.

If they're not permitted to turn around and run away from you, then I don't think that you are able to ask a person out. There's so many fucking layers to this that are like crazy for you to even have the impulse to I want to ask this person out. They could be married. You don't know their sexual orientation. It could be terrible. They could be horrible.

Okay. But like that's every that's not specific to people with signs that it could be anyone. I guarantee you. And sorry question. Ask her. You haven't spoken with this sign person. No, because they don't know how to. Yeah.

You have driven past thought, man, she's cute. And now you've built up this whole narrative in your head about why you should ask her out. But you know nothing about her. It's not like everybody. No, no, Justin. Because everybody. Because maybe you meet someone at a party and you have a conversation with them and then you want to ask them out.

You have that so profoundly different. Did all three of us. It's not everybody. All three of us didn't meet our wives when they were sign dancing. Yes. I'm saying that like there's such a huge difference between talking to someone for even only 10 minutes and just driving by and noticing that they're cute. Check this out.

Check this out. She's at Little Caesars, right? Obviously. She's working at Little Caesars. You go into Little Caesars, you get a hot, you don't know when she's getting off work, but you'll have to come back in to leave the sign inside. You go into Little Caesars, you buy a hot and ready Zaw, sit there at a table with the hot and ready Zaw, wait for her to come in with the plan at when she comes in.

Be like, oh, this Zaw is too big. I can't, I'll never finish it on my own. I hope someone will help me finish this Zaw. Well, no, then you look like a Zaw Coward. What? A Zaw Coward. I can't do it. What was I thinking?

Can't do it, huh, Pussy? I'm never dating you, she'll say. Here's the thing though, if she bites into that Zaw and it's not hot and or ready, she's going to know your game. So I need you to attempt check the pizza every few minutes. If it stops being hot, you have to throw it in the garbage and buy another one. What if it stops being ready? If it stops being ready, then time has come unstuck, but that is equally bad.

You open it, it's just dough and tomatoes. And then you're a baby. Hi, my name is Benjamin Buttonham, I'd really like to date you. You just wrote a blockbuster sci-fi erotic thriller and you didn't even realize it. Under the Crust, starring Scarlett Johansson. And the Oscars go to, wait Oscars? Yeah, all the Oscars are going to Under the Crust this year. Come on up, Justin.

Is Mystic Pizza taken? It is taken, unfortunately. Mystic Pizza 2 is not. There you go. Don't ask people out at work. You could stare at that pizza for an hour and never know it's Daniel Day Lewis. Not a million years, would you guess? So transformative, but he was difficult to work with because he insisted that people

eat him while he was on set. Don't ask people out at work. Stop eating me. Don't ask people out at work. Especially when their job is sign dancing. She's got enough on her plate to deal with. You know what I mean? She's trying to get out of this one horse town away from all these empty plots of land.

Just leave her alone. I have another question. And I'm sure you're great. Maybe you guys really would connect, but not in this circumstance. I just guys, I have a question. If Daniel Day Lewis was in character as a pizza in the movie Under the Crust, Bay, and he's off set and like a PA comes up, sees a pizza and takes a slice out of Daniel Day Lewis, would he be so committed to being in character that he would not

disabuse this person of the notion that he's a pizza or would he just let someone eat a slice of him? It depends on what slice they're getting, right? You know what the most delicious part would be, right? What part? His left foot. Come on. Come on. That was fucking, that was easy.

That was the easiest. You guys all remember that movie, right? My left foot. It's better than the pizza the hut joke I was going to make. Yeah, Travis, because I don't believe he was in that film. Well, no, but it's about a human pizza. Yes, space. Spaceballs is about pizza the hut.

I'm doing a yahoo now and there's nothing you can do to stop me. Jaws isn't about a shark and spaceballs is about pizza the hut. This yahoo was sent in by a friend of the show, Emerald member, Shaman Drew Davenport. Thank you, Drew. It's by yahoo answers user Angela who asks, how to moan loud without being heard? Is there a way I can moan as loud as I can without being heard by my parents? What can I do to achieve this? Any tips?

Thanks. No, you don't remember what it's like out there. No, but here's the thing. All of this makes me icky. It's just it's it's it's okay. Here's what bothers me the most about the phrasing of the question is if you are consciously going into say I'm going to I want to be as loud as I can. It seems disingenuous to me.

My problem with it is I don't like premeditated moaning. That's what I'm saying. That skizes me out. If she doesn't preplan it, then when the moment comes, she's just going to do it. She's going to get caught. I hate the idea that at any point during my day, if I meet a man or woman that somewhere in the back of their head, they're thinking, I'm going to moan tonight. I need to get an acoustical engineer in here and figure out how loud I can be.

I got a bone tonight is going to be a time for to moan. I'm just trying to live my life. If I could keep that question out of Stranger's heads as I'm trying to go about my business and hit up the Jiffy Loot and ask for donations from my church group while you're thinking about how hard you're going to moan, I really appreciate it. I actually thought of the best answer though. I thought of a good answer. Now I'm going to feel guilty saying it because you guys are trying to moan shame me.

No, you go ahead because I've got an answer too. I think we might be thinking the same thing. My answer is when you moan, you have to moan as loud as you can the melody to the song Tarzan Boy by Baltimore. We were not singing the same thing at all. But I'm saying if you get your moan on with a partner and you like, oh boy. Oh, then your parents are just going to be like, here she goes again with Baltimore. Man, she fucking loves that song.

Can you update it? Can I tell you something? Every time I hear that song, I think it's going to be Tarzan Boy. I get excited for a second. I get fucking excited for a second. I'm like, fucking Baltimore is back? Why are they playing this in the Chipotle? Oh, fucking it's that.

Oh, that one's that one. I was going to say, and it's going to take a little work, but maybe just make like cue cards. You just like hold up a sign that says like, whoa, right? But you don't say it, but you like put it in the face of your partner. Pleasure. I just wanted to know and like point to it really emphatically. It's like this now.

This now is what I'm feeling. And maybe like do it like glitter and glue. Yeah. Like it really shows that you put some time and not just like a sharpie on poster board, but maybe like making a thing like a diorama of pleasure. I have one that says like too much teeth. Little to the left. Night to night.

Give me the other. Give me the other. You can have that on one. We want a picture, not a belly itch. And then you can use it from multiple occasions. Why do you have a sign says John 316? What am I supposed to get out of that? Just don't mix those up.

Do not take that to WrestleMania 48. And then just like hold up a big sign when the rock is suplexed. And it says like, I'm coming real good on it. I love the way you're using your wieners. And be super careful, be super double careful if you're a member of the Westboro Baptist Church. Because you are you are headed towards some really sticky territory. I'm getting mixed signals.

Are you protesting or are you a big fan? If you hold up a sign that says I'm in sticky territory, it's going to be bad news bears. Well, it's going to be good news bears because you're terrible. We don't want the show. I think that's the end of the show. We got to wrap up because you got to get Travis to Huntington. I got to travel.

Travis, are you guys bringing lasagna or what? We're bringing lasagna and a sweet treat. Oh, thank God. Did you have a baby just so your brothers would keep bringing you food? Yes. Nice. I'm still waiting on another one of those pies, by the way. Well, I got you one.

Travis has gotten you no pies. So I got I baked you a sweet treat. I baked you a sweet treat with my own hands. So this has been our show. Fantasy football bros. Fantasy football bros. I hope I wish everybody the biggest touchdowns and great performances from your running back.

I hope it's better than softheaded Eddie Lacey with his stupid concussion. Hope you don't have him because he's got a soft head. If you can get a professional football player to tweet about our show this week, make sure you give him the bit.ly forward slash mb mb a m 2013 or it's my bin bam that bit.ly forward slash it's my bin bam. That works too. Those lead you to samplers. I think that's the best way to get pro football players to tweet about our show

and try to get him into it. If we get one pro football player into it, I would be that would be all I need. I don't even need a starter. I'm perfectly happy with a second string. Yeah, no problem at all. If I could get if I could get a fuzzy Whitaker retweet. Fuck me. It's over.

Everybody just just tell Matt Barry, tell Matthew Barry, and then I think he can connect us to some other people. Thank you to people tweeting about the show like Devon Bruce, Joshua Doolin, Monachron, Eks, Spencer, Jen, Bradley Smith, Michael Silva, Sean McNally, Michael Taylor, Wes, Ovens, Honey Boy, Doyle, Swindomer, many other. A lot of people, somebody made a Glass Shark video, which I guess we probably. That was me. Oh, you did it.

Good job, Trout. Yeah. Thank you. You can watch that if you want. It's on our YouTube. mb mb a m is the channel. Yeah, I just pulled that audio out. Pulled that clip out.

Here's a nice comment on the Glass Shark video from the from the Arthur Dent. God, Justin can really keep a bit going. Yeah, sure. It's a little judgy. It sounds a little judgy. He can really keep that ball up in the air. But yeah, go check out our YouTube channel. I try to, if there's a bit that everybody really likes,

pull the audio out of it so that you can share it with your friends, just a little bit more digestible and listenable for people who haven't listened before. It's where the it's where the samplers are. We've got a couple of animated videos on there that were made by a couple different friends of the show. Highly recommend it. Really check them out. We're trying to do more and more, more stuff on there.

So yeah, go subscribe and share the videos with your friends. Also, the Facebook group is just really, really hopping right now. It's amazing to me the number of people that. Yeah, it's really catching on. Like, I think we've, I think we've approved over 500 people in the last week to join the group. Would we have? Well, I did 114. Okay.

There's so many and I love it. I love that the group is blowing up, but we're talking about like, like I approved like almost 500 people in one day and it was like an afternoon. It's called my brother. My brother and me appreciation group. If you're having trouble finding it, please. On there, Elijah. Elijah Granite posted like a little survey of what's your favorite segments on the show.

Leading it right now, just so everyone knows and everybody needs to go weigh in on it. Yahoo slash Yadrus is leading it. That's not a segment as much as it is like. A thing that we do. Yeah. Second, normal questions. Third, DND special apps. Fourth, Sad Libs.

Out of four? It's ironic. Yeah. Sad Libs over opening goofs, cold opens, extreme restraints add, money zone and final question. Sad Libs in fourth place. How many shell accounts did you create? To 12. Okay.

Okay. Time out, Griffin. We've been having fucking bandwidth issues this entire episode and Griffin has decided to make his turn his Skype icon into a screen share of him watching Baltimore's Tarzan boy. Really Griffin? Really? It is a good song though. It's a fucking great song.

I've never seen the music video before and I feel like I'm on heroin right now. Thank you to everybody who listened. Thanks to John Roderick in the long winters for the use of our theme song and to departure off the album, Putting the Days to Bed. I don't know if you guys got this, but I got a LinkedIn invitation from John Roderick on the LinkedIn platform and I very much look forward to doing a great business with him. And thanks again to Meondies for supporting the show. Go check out Meondies.

Go to meondies.com slash my brother and you'll get 20% off your first order and you'll get free shipping to US and Canada. I also want to thank Meondies for giving me the chance to say the phrase Meondies like 34 times. Yeah. That is the main service they provide. They just let you say that. Do you guys want to finally, go listen to the other Max Fun shows, by the way, if you haven't. There's some really, really, really good ones.

I've been catching up on my throwing shade lately. It's Jordan Jesse Go, Jess John Hodgman, podcasting yourself, The Goose Down, Lated Lady, Saab Bones. Oh, no, Ross and Carrie. What bad mother? If you didn't listen last week's Saab Bones, it was a very special episode. I was very, very proud of Justin Sidney for putting that one up. There are probably better places to start if you've never listened before, but a lot of people responded favorably to that, so.

Yeah, including me. I'm going to weigh in right now. Did I favorite it? Speaking of, thanks again to everybody. We've got such a great response to the Adventure Zone episode, and everybody's been really complimentary of it, so I just want to say thank you. I'm glad everybody enjoyed it so much. Let's, if we.

I hope there's more of those. Yeah, I do too, geez. Maybe we should ask for a help with the name. Maybe we can do that in the appreciation group. We can make a poll or something. Yes. I really like the Adventure Zone. I think we could really capitalize on that, but I think we've gotten a few other.

Somebody said my Dungeons, my Dragons and me. It's great, but I don't want to, I don't really want to try it. I hit Gryffindor with this this week. What do you think about Gurblins, a family adventure? Mmm, I kind of like that. I don't know that. Gurblins has an exclamation point. It sounds a little bit like just Gurbals, which worries me a little bit.

Okay, we'll have to think about it. I mean, we don't have to think about it. It sounds a lot like just Gurbals, so maybe we shouldn't do that. Anyway, how about we close it out with the final Yahoo? Yes. This Yahoo Drew was sent in by Drew Davenport. Thank you, Drew. It's by Yahoo Answers user ThurstonGordon who asks,

Why is Blade Runner called Blade Runner? There are no blades and most people drive in the movie. I'm Griffin McElroy. It's been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad. Score air on the lips. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture.

Artist owned. Listener supported. Every Wednesday, Wednesday, Wednesday, Maximumfun presents Lady to Lady, a comedy podcast with chestnut tower marker, brawling brandy posy, and Barbara made a grave. Listen as they throw down with comedy heavyweights like Aisha Tyler, Rada, Kate Flannery, and more.

These ladies will make you laugh so hard you will literally explode. So go to Maximumfun.org or iTunes and download Lady to Lady before it's too late. Wait, where's the music? What happened? My throat hurts. I don't know what to do. Should we just get coffee?

Okay.