My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 220: Pissbeards and Pooh Corner

Episode Date: October 7, 2014

Nothing is sacred, nothing is safe. Farm animals: You're done. Goldblum: So sorry. Kenny Loggins' most sensitive works: Toast. We're sorry for us. Suggested talking points: Spooks Not Goofs, Sexual Jeapordy, Clip the Chip, Superfriends, Richard Gere Scarecrow, Farm Wisdom Returns, Justin Becomes the Monster He Fears So Much, Ruining Pooh Corner

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hey everybody, welcome my brother and my brother and me. It's an advice show for the modern Scarra. And that means we go from goops to spooks here on the show. No more jokes to be found, only pokes at your grave. That's too scary. In fact, that's not even scary. My brother and me, we're going to murder you. Yeah, it's not scary as much as it is like modeling and threatening.

I don't want to be modeling or threatening. I want to be Frankenstein. Whatever Frankenstein that kind of scary. Hi, I'm your oldest brother, Frankenstein. I'm your most brother over the wolf man. I'm your baby brother, Osama bin Laden. He's pretty scary guy though, I bet. He had a run for a certain. Have you ever noticed that the wolf man's never on the FBI's most wanted list? But why are we doing more to stop the wolf man? Can't stop people from breaking into the White House? Maybe we could redirect our efforts. The White House, that's a lost cause. We can't worry about that anymore. But what we can stop is a wolf man. We need to start like a wolf man program where they can turn themselves in on the 29 other days and like get amnesty and be locked in

some kind of like silver cage. What if you saw a wolf man and you were like, hey, wolf man's got nards and he was like, I had a vasectomy. I'm a person. Vasectomy doesn't. Oh, Justin, I have so many things to tell you about vasectomies, brother. They don't just like get all that stuff out of there. First, before you start like getting all getting all fucking patronizing, tell me how much you know about wolf man anatomy, specifically genitalia. They got before you start trying to contradict my goof. I can tell you I know a lot about human dicks and I know a lot about wolf dicks. So I'm just going to conflate those two knowledge bases. The fucking classic example of dealing with the wolf man. That's what the mistake everybody makes is thinking he's

half wolf and half man. He's something else entirely. And his nards are on his shoulder. And his nards are on his shoulder. It's not. Monster camp has established that is not the truth. Monster camp, monster team, monster, monsters, friends, squad. Super fun monster weekend. Ass. Weekend at monsters. Why don't we have any jokes? I took that seriously, huh? And I said that we weren't going to do goofs anymore. I guess I was being fucking a little bit of grain of truth there with no jokes, no nothing funny. You know, the problem is we're recording on a Monday and I have a case of them. There was one. There was one right there, Justin. See, don't sell ourselves short. You got one.

That's one. And it took it took us five minutes to get there. So if we keep that up, we're going to have like 12 or 13 goose in this episode. And that's I think that's pretty much on par. Let's just get into the advice and hopefully our dear listeners will rescue us from the I'm going to go ahead and say a very spooky slump. Your favorite podcast isn't as funny as it used to be. I miss Bramble Pelt. I get it. We fucking get it. Okay, people do a horse thing. We're not fucking clowns. We're not. We're not. We're not your fucking organ grinder monkeys. We're human beings with real life responsibilities. Sometimes much like Tim and Eric, we want to pretend we

were intentionally unfunny. Exactly. Can you just give us that once a year? Maybe once like 12 times a year. I know a guy who's very clearly crushing on me. I have told him I'm not interested in dating him twice actually, but I think he forgot the first time. No, he didn't. He didn't. I would like to remain friends with him because despite him not being the sharpest pit in the cushion, he's fun to be around. So how can I get this through to this guy that I as a chick who is not into dudes? Okay, we'll never want to date him. How is he fucking this up this hard? Hey, it's the biggest fuck up you can do. Remind me real quick. What did you say when I asked you out last time? Was it a yes or a no? Was it a yes or no? Are we dating now?

Because I can't remember. Let me look at my Facebook. Was it a yes or a no or I'm a lesbian? Which of those was it? Was it like 100% no? Okay, cool. Great. I'll ask you again in like a week. It's hard. Like it's fucking hard. Like I try not to cast dispersions on people that I know two sentences about, but it's like this doesn't sound like a person that like wants to be your friend if they don't if they don't take no as an answer and then they also don't take I'm a lesbian as an answer. I don't I don't care how fun you are to be around. If you're going to backseat drive on my sexual identity, I prefer you just get out the car. I always take I'm a lesbian for an answer. No matter what the question is, no matter what the question is, you can say that

shit on jeopardy. What is I'm a lesbian? And then Trebek's like, yep, got it again. God, you're doing really great. Ken Jennings. And for $1,000, the answer is I'm just going to take some time away from you right now. The question is I'm a lesbian. What is it? What is it? It's like when women like other women, Alex, why don't you know this? How do you know everything in the world but not this thing blind spot weird? You're like a super smart anyway. I don't think that somebody is I think it like not a joke if he's not on board with like your sexual preference. I don't think you guys are friends. I don't think this is like a question of him picking up the clues or picking up the hints or getting it. I don't think it's that he's not the sharpest pin in the cushion

if you say I think it's that he's just like, no, I'm going to change your mind. And like, you don't want to be friends with that person regardless. Oh, there's nothing worse than that. It's hard. It's hard because like we are we have long been in the camp of like if you have feelings for somebody, tell them. And it's hard to like reconcile that with like, tell them just the once. And then if that's not a if it's a no go, because they don't prefer then fucking don't keep doing it. Then we need to rephrase it and say like just tell her dummy and then listen carefully and listen so careful. Oh man, listen so good to the next part. It's vital information. If you're to have a next step, your next step is going to be determined by the next things that

are said and you should be on board with that. Otherwise, you're just like watching her mouth move but in your head thing like I did it. I asked her speaking. I haven't been listening. Oh shit. Did she say yes? Did she say thespian shit? Okay. Actor no actor. That's all right. I'll bring in bacon while you audition. What a shit show. Yikes. Oh, this is this is I just don't think this person's worth spending time with anymore. Here is what here's the argument that I would make as to that without again, we don't know this cat. Maybe he is a sweetheart but picking up on context clues. This is the painting that I'm gay right now. This is someone who's asked you out and not only did

he not take no for an answer. He actually like is in denial about who you are as a person in the hopes that you will change your mind about a lot of things and not just his fucking broken down personality and look his whole situation. I think he is just in it because he wants to date you. I'm not sure somebody like that wants to be your friend personally. It's such an uncomfortable thing for both parties and for like it's uncomfortable the first time and that's why people are afraid to do it to keep doing it to keep subjecting you to that discomfort is like is weirdly cruel. To himself right? To himself to you it's it's uncomfortable for everyone. It's uncomfortable for me and I don't even fucking know your real name. It's

a comfort for our listeners who have not been subjected to this third hand. There are 30 million people who are uncomfortable now. We have 30 million listeners. We're basically the we're basically the big bank theory. Bazoon Joes. Bazooka Joch. Hey here's a yahoo ascended by Rachel Sperling. Thank you Rachel. It's by yahoo answers user Nina. It's in the pregnancy and parenting newborn baby section so Justin. I should be able to feel this one. Yeah uh Nina asks why does my baby have forehead lines? I just have my son a week ago and he was born with lines on his forehead. The kind of older people get from raising raising their eyebrows too much worrying and stuff like that. Well why does my baby have them? I have never before seen or heard of

babies having them. Is it normal? I keep convincing myself that it's my fault because I literally stressed every day while I was pregnant. I know only time can tell but do you think he'll always have these lines or is there a chance he'll go away as he gets older? Again he had them right when he came out of me. The world's scowliest baby. I think that uh I've never heard of a baby with worry lines but based on the information provided to me in this yahoo answer I do think this baby has cause for concern. R.E. his parental situation. I think that he may have some room to worry. Well I think the most worrying thing of this whole situation is that this woman doesn't know the word wrinkles. You know like those lines like old people get them? You know it's like when

the skin kind of like together you know like a butt crack on their face you know you know. Oh boy it's I have never seen a baby. I would be distressed if I worked really hard to have a baby well my wife would but then that baby came out and looked like fucking William Daniels. I would be heartbroken. I wanted a new human being and this human being looks like William Daniels mustache and all. Maybe that's it maybe like there's a like knowing soul trapped inside the baby who can't communicate because it's a baby and like all they can do is like scowl and furrow their brow and try to figure out a way out of this. Oh my god is it a Benjamin Button? Is this the first you got old man baby the first evidence the first Benjamin Button in the wild. The baby was born with wrinkles

and tattoos and pierced things. And glasses. It was bilingual. I haven't seen the movie. What is the return policy here? On the baby? Oh I can feel this one. I ain't got none. Really? You would think that they would have some sort of like right now my baby has hair on the top of her head and then the rest of her hair is sort of sliding down like a reverse bald spot of like kind of a Wallace Sean thing going on. I'm like oh boy what is I'm checking for warranties looking for the receipts. I don't have any receipts. I have a social security number. Oops mine for good. Can you trade her out with one of those like spare babies? Spare uh no actually they do not include burner babies with your baby. It's pretty much just

the yeah. So Cabell Cablehunter didn't have a uh have a baby give a baby need a baby take a baby system going on. No. Just like a tray. Like a little bowl on the front desk. Just a little bowl there on the front desk next to the peppermint swirls. They apparently used to have one but now they have these bracelets on their legs that beep when you try to participate in that particular program. Oh I'm sorry I thought this was my baby. I am so embarrassed. I did bring a watermelon wrapped in a blanket that I was gonna. But that was for eating I promise. I I have to assume that babies when they are born because they don't have like shit like you know marrow or that stuff that connects your bones um and so I imagine that babies are like the most pliable

you are as a human being so you could probably nip tuck that stuff pretty easy and just sort of yeah you just get a chip clip pull the skin back you just chip clip it and then just clip your baby just chip clip it all I'm saying is that if much of society thinks it's permissible to cut the tip of a baby's wiener off yep because it won't remember this seems like a perfect time for it to go under the knife to get uh a tuck a nip tuck so face facelift you're saying you are saying cut I'm cut the tip and clip the chip clip the chip and cut the tip get your baby looking as fresh as the day he was not even the day he was born I suppose but maybe the few weeks ago when he was looking all right change your kind of friend change your William Daniels into a Bill Daniels who's a young actor

Bill Daniels turn your William Daniels into a Daniel Ratcliffe that works is fine but he has some lines he has some unsightly lines too well it's a lightning bolt okay don't even be an asshole about it I'm a 25 year old student I'm in a pickle vast majority of my friends are women all the way from high school through uni excuse me college thank you and the various places where I've been employed I'm perfectly fine with this I enjoy their company and I don't feel like I'm missing anything by not having a group of male friends to bro out with so I'm assuming this is this is a man writing this however I'm not doing so well in the romantic scene whenever I tried to ask a girl out I got rejected even when she was a lesbian stop whoa no it doesn't say that I

don't need any help getting out of the friend zone that concept is stupid uh and besides I'm quite fine with keeping my friends as friends I just don't understand why I seem to get along with women so well in a platonic context but fail miss really whatever I tried to find that special someone help me out brothers how do I find that other half of my life that I'm missing and that's from Love Lorne in the Levant oh that's a great that's a great pen name um Jesus Christ Almighty I we're gonna I feel like we're about to get into some shit here I think I think we're about to get in the shit put on your muck boots and just jump right in I because like yeah I think a lot of people are like this I know I certainly was I think it's safe

to say like coming up most of my friends were you know theater friends all the way up through like high school um and and even a lot of college and so a lot of those theater friends were women and I was really good friends with a lot of women but not such great friends with sex I was not me and me and basically any erotic activity were not how I say this acquainted right I mean the answer to your question is right there in the question you you've been friend you may making friends with women from high school all the way to university and and for for a decade now um and you are are comfortable with that that idea you're comfortable with that relationship you're practiced in like the social ramifications of of those relationships and you

just haven't practiced outside of that so like it makes it's not that surprising that you would get good at the thing that you have done over and over and over again I think the secret is you've got to start back at scratch a little bit when you're talking about uh uh something that could be more romantic like you you have to give yourself permission to be kind of a a neophyte when it comes to that because it sounds like you don't have nearly the amount of experience do you think that those two ideas are mutually exclusive though because I might just be like conflating them in a way that doesn't make any sense because like I it's super super super great that you recognize that the friendzone idea is bullshit and and that nobody should you know treat treat their pool of

of friends who are female as like a potential grazing ground if only you know how to make that conversion like that's a super fucked up way to to think and that's great that you understand that but like is there is there some sort of is there is there some sort of connection between knowing how to be friends with women without being gross about it and not being especially romantic I don't think no I don't think that the the I don't think it's about being friends with women I think it's just about being friends like you you are good at being friends you are not so good at romance because you haven't practiced as much I think okay this is so thorny I know it really is like I don't it's really the thing that's hard about it is like we are I a I know

we're approaching this from like a like really crazy heteronormative like position so I keep getting tripped up on like gender pronouns and and what have you I don't think anything we're talking about is like exclusive to anyone's sex or gender or anything I mean I I think that it is completely applicable to no matter where you fall on the the gender and sexuality spectrum I think that any I think all that I'm getting at is that romantic relationships are a different skill set and it's a different thing that you need to learn and and part of the the reason you're being so successful with with making friends with with uh these people and not and not in like a romantic sense is because when you're making friends with people you're not putting any pressure on yourself

exactly yeah it's the exact same way as when you're in like a a committed relationship you seem to do better with people who would find you repellent before it's because you're you're you're not playing the game you're not you're not putting a bunch of pressure on yourself you're just being yourself I will also say this it makes me think about um you know like when you get out of a long relationship and then the next time like you get back in the dating pool the problem you run into is trying to jump too quickly to the level you were at in your previous relationship and like that can screw things up and like you're coming into it going oh I'm so rusty I'm so used to being in the relationship maybe that same thing is applying here where it's like you're so used to

being in a friendship that you're just like trying to jump to that level of comfort with the person because I don't think that's I don't think that's necessarily unhealthy I think what Justin said was exactly right which is the only distinction between those different skill sets is the pressure that you put on yourself when you are when you are trying to pursue a romantic relationship with somebody it did you think but isn't that pressure kind of good because it makes you like you know performance you're best and like try your best with a person for some people but like I that that pressure I think is is nominal and you don't there are people who let it just fucking wreck everything and and and that is that's where you need to pump the the brakes a little bit and knowing nothing

about your situation I would say that that you know might be the most likely thing of like well this has to be different from how I treat my other friends when really like relationships like romantic relationships are just friendship with well but that extra fire you know what I mean whoa so beautiful that's beautiful we've been talking very very seriously for a while and I hope we didn't fart some poop yeah okay who are those guys should we have a yahoo yeah a yahoo would be great your friend uh this yahoo uh was sent in by level 451 yahoo shaman drew Davenport uh this yahdru was asked by yahdru answers user Sadie who asks haunted corn maze actor tips please I'm working in a maze this year and my character is a saloon girl cannibal and I can't think of

anything to say what would be scary to you okay how about another bottle of sasper killer okay so I'm not sure that a portmanteau is like I know that you're fucking terrified of those things when people put two words together that should be a part ah no thanks yeah I mean I'm terrified of them for a good reason though I mean look at how I brought this show to a screeching halt yeah how about this like uh hey cowboy better get pretty hungry out there on the range care for a bite because she's a she's a cannibal that's like a slow that's like a line where are you going wait I haven't finished my sentence that's like sounds like she's trying to like seduce him and eat him like a praying mantis right it sounds like a line from old west species but also is that not

what's going on it's just not how corn mazes work where you jump out and you're like he's gone you're like brah hey there cowboy you look hungry because you've been out on the range you've been taking the long road from tuska lusa and it looks to me like ah shit another one oh I I I know just jump out and yell I got my masters for this yeah I went to I went to corn maze school I was on three episodes of uh uh days of our lives from a from a day player on psych to this I why do you need characters in a corn maze well a corn a corn maze is the fucking scariest imaginable place that you can be a you could die in there you could just get lost and die in there it happens every year there's like 30 deaths it's like more than um more than shark bites um

b and way more than shark tank b it goes it goes corn maze corn mazes shark attack and then pop machines falling over on people that's exactly right b corn is the scariest vegetable it looks like a knife it looks like a knife it's got a fucking hilt it has its own scabbard so maybe a sword knives typically don't have scabbards or hilts um see scarecrows right it's just there it's just right there I just why not why not just like wear a scary mask and jump out do you think the guy who invented the scarecrow like on the day he invented it he was like oh that's pretty and he invented it during the daytime and he was like I gotta figure out something to do to get rid of these crows wait a minute I got it I'll make a scarecrow and he made it up in the daytime he was

like pretty good invention stole Tommy man I think I crushed it and then that first night he looks out the window is like what the fuck have I done this is this day Martha come look at this shit I'm losing my mind look what I did I made the scariest thing ever so now I'm a I'm a nightmare weaver Martha I'm a nightmare weaver I am Edgar Allen Poe I made it I made a scare human is what I'm Stephen King senior senior senior and I can't believe I just created this terrifying vision I was at Home Depot the other day buying a fire pit and they had their you know they had their autumn regalia out and there was a fucking scarecrow that was just like propped out in the garden section and there were actually crows on it like actual crows just like chilling pretty good scare

pretty good job inventor of the scarecrow you invented things that can only scare humans and nothing else well done sir no the world wasn't scary enough let's go ahead and get more stuff and make sure that we surround it with knife-shaped produce terrific job the worst part about that is that guy had to watch all the time to see if it was working he just had to stare at that thing maybe set up like an old-timey lawn chair next to it and just see if the crows were and eventually they became friends I lost a shoe in a corn maze once do you remember those books that like you used to buy there was scholastic book fair that were like scary story six or whatever yeah goose pin goose pimples they were scary as fuck there was one about like a scarecrow that

like peeled people's skin off and laid it out to dry on a barn or some shit yeah and but it was actually Richard gear dressed up like a scarecrow I think that's the plot of the hit West Virginia made film dark harvest Richard starring I can't believe they got Richard gear in that independent film production yeah but actually that's funny Richard gear is in the mothman movie which is set right he was not that much of a stretch he was in wv he was like let me swing by for dark harvest but I'm also get into dark harvest real quick I'll play a scarecrow it'll be easy for me because I do that shit in real life every scarecrow you see the Richard gears in there somewhere and he wants your skin he would love it he would love nothing it always tastes looking so young

he would love nothing more than to take your skin put it on himself get rid of those fucking William Daniels wrinkles when he does that charming Richard gear wink that's his eyelids get falling off and he's trying to scoot it back and play there's a there's a special motion graphics designer that works on every fucking film he's in that has to edit that shit out that has to edit off this edit out the sloughing of his skin to the floor guys if one celebrity besides Richard gear had to be every scarecrow which actor or actress do you think would be is like the most like a scarecrow I think Jeff Goldblum is very much like a scarecrow well that's not fair no he's like a he's like an american treasure I love Jeff Goldblum are you saying

because he has the dimensions of a scarecrow is that what you're saying because that's that's I'm hateful I'm just saying if it turned out he was a scarecrow the whole time I wouldn't be surprised but shimmy too well that's okay I'm sorry just I hate to call you on some antics but you wouldn't be surprised if it turned out that Jeff Goldblum just fell over at the Oscars and a bunch of straw poured out of him you'd be like I fucking knew it I told everyone I'm 33 it's very hard to surprise me we met Jeff Goldblum uh outside the the show door at the Rainmaker and I lit a cigarette and he lost his fucking mind explain that he said like what hey he said uh oh no no no uh no no no that's my Jeff Goldblum impression yeah sounds a little bit like Yogi

Bear no no no we must we must get away we must get away from the the cigarette hey no no no no hey hey bad about that impressions if we're gonna if we're gonna afford all of these anti-richard gear wards that we have to hang in every room of our house we're gonna need some more money we're gonna need some more intake two words people two words piss beard no you can't say that because we haven't done that we broke the time stream we ran out of time reversal cubes don't worry guys we're gonna talk about piss beards here in a few minutes and you're gonna realize why and you're gonna love the jokes go on but the two words are free snacks yes if you act now we're gonna give you the opportunity to get free snacks and here's

the thing snacks are not only good they're good for you if you get the right ones you gotta get delicious wholesome snacks at naturebox.com we've been talking about nature box for I think 18 years now and if you haven't tried it you are a fool you're a fool I'm thinking about this is your first episode maybe you've never listened to before then you're still here with here's the deal with nature box nature box gives you hundreds of snack options and these are like really all three of us are subscribers and very very happy about it you'll find snacks with no added sugar no gluten that kind of stuff it's all in there which makes it for everyone which makes them sound shitty but they're actually extremely good and very delicious I'm thinking about getting on that

Benjamin Franklin schedule where I just eat only snacks 20 times a day I have 20 little meals and it'll be like sunflower kettle kernels known picture of health been frankly well later on you get to go through and pick whatever you want um and it's way like peanut butter nom nom's are kind of like the go-to there's like a cocoa nom nom that's so good that's what Teresa and I all we did was like eat nature box as we drove across the country and it was it kept us going kept us from murdering each other is it really now with nature box we used to do a 50 off thing this is new you're gonna get a free trial box by going to naturebox.com slash my brother you can get five of the most popular snacks for free that's huge I had no idea that we were doing that here

enjoy oh are you starving give us your hungry your tired your poor here are five snacks if you don't do it at this point where you get a free box like what are you doing what's your fucking problem do you hate food are you a plant are you a plant or a person slash my brother you plant come on plant come stupid plant my brother my brother me is also supported by Squarespace the all-in-one platform that makes it fast and easy to create your own professional website or online portfolio um they they really are some good-looking goddamn websites as a person who's taken like two and a half hours of code academy lessons I can say that this is some sound coding that they've done here some sound web design and programming um they have all kinds of presets

that you can use that are beautiful to start out with and then you can shop and screw them how you like they have a support team that's available 24 7 they have a logo generator to design your own logo not everybody has their own Justin Russo you know some people need software it just it starts at $8 a month and that includes a free domain name if you sign up for a year and maybe you're like me and you listen to other podcasts and you've heard about Squarespace before but you've never checked it out well let me tell you why this is different if you check it out using our code it benefits us we get stuff from it yeah it helps us rather than those other shitty podcasts that you listen to so this is important it really is great it's it's all responsive design

so so your your set will work on every device uh conceivable you uh Game Boy Color Game Boy Pocket so go to Squarespace.com and use the offer code mybrother that's all one word my brother to get 10 off your first purchase that's Squarespace a better web starts with your website it's gotta it's gotta be the change you want to see on the the information super highway I got a message for Jeff and Dylan and it's from Jeff but a different Jeff what are the odds I know Jeffrey and Dylan happy five month anniversary Jeffrey and Dylan Jeffrey and Dylan sorry for the delay Jeffrey and Dylan for the only person taller than the brothers is me Jeffrey and Dylan Jeffrey and Dylan's the serious apologies Jeffrey and Dylan Jeffrey and Dylan

do you want to get a drink later Jeffrey and Dylan absolutely more fantastic nothing I can add you did it congratulations you split the the goof uprights we said no goofs on this episode and yet you've managed to pull one out of the abyss squeak went in uh I got another message for trailer from whoa not shut up worse sorry it's from Trevor not oh Trevor I'm sorry I pine for you autumn is who the message is from it's from air street it says hi T hi T hi T T yep that nickname is official since the McBrose sorry he's got a new better nickname and that's trailer we have called trailer uh thanks for letting me paint your toenails and fart on you while you're sleeping I've been doing it for almost four years now yay love the shout out is the best drunk purchase yes it is you're

the best and then this says please follow message with more Amelie uh impersonation it sounds like she wants trailer to do that have a happy birthday trailer um I am in your love combo I don't think it's trailer's birthday but maybe in Amelie's world it is now in Amelie's world it's everyone's birthday all the time everyone is birthday all the time fantastic everyone is birthday so best true today best money zone yet mark your calendars for a brand new thing the first ever max fun week is coming up October 15th through 21st max fun weeks all about celebrating the creativity and passion of our listeners we'll have podcast crossovers q and a's behind the scenes tours giveaways and more no fundraising just awesome stuff for you so tune into your favorite max fun

shows tell a friend about max fun and check out some new shows during max fun week October 15th through 21st oh shit breaking news we've got some farm wisdom farm wisdom put your scarecrow in the barn farm and then light that barn on fire stop him any way stop him however you can with him because I would like you to read it please okay uh this is uh the worst thing I've ever read this is the worst this is the world's worst sentence thank you for listening my brother my brother and me this is the world's worst sentence you're hearing the debut of the world's worst sentence right now here it comes all right you're not your life is not going to be the same this is going to be the moment that you'll always remember of where it all started to go bad your whole there's still time

to get out there's still time to leave before the world's worst sentence billy goats pee in their mouth and beard when they're horny and that's from Cassandra and Micah who just ruined the lives of 30 million people what what what Cassandra and Micah do not include is the phrase on purpose is it like an accident thing is it like they're like so horny the shit not again ah man not again piss beard I gotta stop getting so horny and then being on myself horny all the time uh hey Greg uh yeah Mitch what's going on yeah Greg uh just so you know I noticed that when my wife stopped by earlier this week you know Darla yeah I know Darla yeah I noticed when she's stopped by your beard smelled like piss and I I want you to explain that to me right now or our friendship

the reason for that and I think I figured it out is that I watched you piss in your mouth and beard so so should we dissect this is there something we need to talk about is there something going on here what I want to find out but I'm not willing to look it up is if it's like they do it and react to it or if it's just like something that happens and they just stand there continuing to be horny gently peeing in their mouths and beards do you think that's why they eat all that garbage because they're trying to find something to feel like garbage it's I feel like garbage I deserve it look at me I'm a monster it's it's super weird this past summer I went and saw disney planes fire and rescue and I started pissing in my mouth and beard so I guess is it

planes talking planes do it do it for me is it maybe the whole cards universe I'm changing I'm metamorphosizing because fucking Cassandra and Micah just ruined my life thanks for nothing Cassandra and Micah for that sentence do you think Zambonis are the fat people of the cards first probably not how about a question I'm very awkward when it comes to receiving compliments and although it's very nice to hear that someone likes something I'm wearing or my new haircut I always have some very odd responses I have a terrible habit of needing to respond where I got something or how I got it as soon as it's acknowledged now if getting these things from somewhere interesting or I had a cool story

behind them that might be different but most of my clothes I get second hand or I cut my own hair so our conversation usually ends in a lull where the person stares at me waiting for some sort of point to my story brothers how can I learn to respond to things without going on long and boring tangents uh not unlike this question okay wait I want to play this out just I need you to compliment my hair okay okay hey Trevor your hair cut looks good I cut it myself I did yeah it's pretty bad can I you know I was laughing when you were reading that question I came to the slow and horrifying realization that nobody in the fullness of my lifetime has ever asked me where I got an article of clothing or haircut in my life ever is my shit super busted is it because I only wear

clothes I bought at Target and Target clothes are designed to be almost camouflage-esque almost like razzle dazzle they're super fucking hard to like get a lock on my clothes because they're so normal on my mossimo jeans where did you get those mossimo jeans I must know was it target the only place where they have those are you even wearing jeans right now I'm trying to focus on the bottom half of your body and I can't I'm trying to focus on the slides off here I'm trying to focus on the same two flannel shirts you've bought 20 times but it doesn't seem to stick for some reason you literally blend in with everything where did you get your hair buzzed with a size six guard every fucking time for the past seven years I must know hey somebody do that what do you call that oh I

call it the same haircut I've gotten for a long long time uh no Rachel doesn't for me in our backyard it's pretty good uh money saving tip have Rachel cut your hair have have my wife cut your hair in our backyard she does a great job she gets a little nervous about cutting the bangs which I don't blame her because that is the money in zone that's my money zone you know where this gets awkward is I have a shirt that I uh made with Justin Russo uh we we had a clothing line uh for a while called 100 Juddalo because I thought it was pretty funny to replace Jug in Juggalo with Judd and make a shirt that said 100 Juddalo and it had a picture of the Judds on it and I will occasionally receive compliments on this shirt and then I have to look this person straight in the eye and say

thanks I'm an idiot thanks I've made I think I'm a stupid animal I feel like five so if you want but if the question is I need an interesting response I don't feel like you get more interesting than thanks I made it myself and then they go what no you didn't yes I did because I thought it was funny but now I feel stupid I guess I guess that's true I the problem is I forgot the link for so long that I can't tell people where to get their own geocities.com slash 100 juddalo as it turns out it's juddalo.spreadshirt.com uh and apparently uh the last tweet from at juddalo juddalo apparel official twitter account was uh June of 2012 and I said the people who spoke in juddalo begins work on its Judd Nelson shirt coming. That lies empty promises uh so that

that is that is uh not a thriving I thought that would get me out of the podcast racket uh but but uh it it did not. Justin I feel like more than either of us you you have a lot of uh distinctive apparel uh in in the form of your I mean obviously the the gold standard is your fat mama t-shirt a t-shirt a t-shirt celebrating the uh personal brand of fat mama uh who you might know you won't know uh from the television show who wants to be a superhero starring stan lee mm-hmm I do have a uh uh fat mama shirt that I bought from fat mom the problem is I can't see that shirt in the dark oh wait I can because it does because it does glow in the dark and of course there is a donut. I have gotten to a point another fun fun uh uh tidbit about my wardrobe

is that uh my my in-laws Sydney's family uh have made trips to Tybee Island in Georgia for a long time uh they that that has been their their vacation spot of choice for the past five years or so and every time they went they were bringing back a uh uh a Tybee Island t-shirt that they purchased and since I've been going going with them I have continued the tradition by buying Tybee Island t-shirts uh so I started getting them like ironically like I laughed because her little sister picked them out and she was like six or seven at the time so they maybe uh uh weren't the most fashion forward and then all of a sudden it turned out that half of the clothes I own say Tybee Island on them somewhere along with some of their rejoinder like uh uh it's five o'clock

somewhere this is Tybe Island this is breaking breaking Southern California news Jesse Thorne is burst into flames somewhere and nobody knows why you've been listening you've been listening to take this off starring the McElroy brothers beach t-shirts relax me now I don't know what it is we're killing fashion one shirt at a time take that I so so sue me it's October in West Virginia I'd like to live on island time for a day you cut me some slack I have Spotify open right now on my computer do you want me to blast you do you want me to put you on blast because I got your history right here in the sidebar take it back by jimmy buffett nautical wheelers by jimmy buffett jolly mon sing by jimmy buffett steamer by jimmy buffett treat her like a lady by jimmy buffett

manata by jimmy buffett when saloon plays the drum by james buffett havana daydreaming by jimmy buffett what the fuck happened to you are you are you fucking possessed you used to be my brother I had a case of the mondays I had this whole monday blues you know just trying to chase away I just want to remind people of the concept of the show is that Justin makes up one third of the team that feels qualified to tell other people how to live there how did you fuck all you guys want to yeah do you guys want to yahoo sure this yahoo is sent in by justin rubio thank you justin it's by yahoo answers user jb who asks best fast rap hip hop songs to have sex to I love really fast and loud hip hop songs eg drop by timbaland and magoo is that a person

I believe so yeah or songs like lip gloss by lil mama I also like fast paced club music like warp 1.9 by the bloody beat roots that's fake thanks fast rap hip hop songs to have sex to um I like that mystical track hit me that'd be a good one that's pretty good I like bombs over bag that by outcast except if you do that the friction would like break all the bones in both your bodies is there a point at which it becomes so sexy that it stops being sexy like anaconda uh that's the least erotic song I think the great job you made a song about butts which are basically the best part that any of us have and you just kind of ruined it you just kind of ruined the whole sort of concept of what a butt can be it did come out of the point where there are like

six other butt songs though that is true I didn't get that all about the that bass was about so I got confused and I was talking to friends about this the other day is all about that bass about um big butts or is it about like them actually preferring like the low parts of songs Griffin the bridge is I'm bringing booty back it just seems like I want her to pick one thing or the other but she's all about that bass you know what I mean like like you know like you're not comfortable with the double entendre I just don't is do you like the song by J.Lo in iggy azalea simply called booty is that clearer to you does that like fit more into your concept I do yeah I do I do and I'll tell you why it's because what are we all about booty fantastic thank you me too what are you

all about I'm about bass like the low parts of music but I also butts and it's like I have I've got a hit bubba sparks featuring yin and yang's track for you what Griffin called miss new booty okay we're in the yin and yang twins just say booty booty booty yeah no that's that's fantastic that's so many songs about booty but not a lot of songs about breasts that's a group that's a great point I mean you never hear a song that's like I like big boobs they're pretty great brass everywhere brass brass everywhere Travis you're apparently not familiar with sir mix lots less popular follow-up put them on the glass uh but but but we sorry Travis uh sorry Travis put them on the glass uh my ticket could edit in a little put them on the glass for me uh I just did and

it was great um I put them on the glass terrific I think to get back to my point about all about that bass is I think I just think it could be two songs I think she could have one song that's like isn't the low parts of music really great and then another song that's like hey now now that we're done with that other song let's talk about butts for a little while I don't think that's too much to say with like a like a like queen did with we will rock you and we are the champion that's exactly what I'm saying it's a two-part song I'm saying it's like uh the pure prairie league Amy into uh in and out of love with you I'm saying it's it's four-play long time I'm saying it's let's talk about butts okay next part of the song this is her Leila and weird

ending of Leila that's what I'm saying Travis that's what I was just about to say why did Eric clap to ruin Leila by putting a part at the end that's not as good as the rest of the song now please listen to this for another three minutes you already started listening to this and hear some words of the song I hope you weren't looking for the next song on the radio because it's gonna be a while I'm saying we have a brain stew situation on our hands or we could I think it would be a improved thing it could be like all about that bass about that bass no treble and butts are cool and butts are great they are better when they're big that's what my mom said that's just a prototype I'm assuming you're gonna smooth out some of these baby wrinkles butts and butts and butts and butts

good job butts keep it up hey butts let's talk about you now you have nothing to do with music hey hey hey hey hey and then it's mostly hey after that I would buy that track it's a good track it's two tracks double your money that's it this is what I'm saying so many young artists musical artists are fucking broke nowadays all of your favorites coldplay they have nothing they have no money they have no dollars they're talking about butts and music I'm about butts and music exactly um sorry travis sorry hold on breaking news travis you're uh you're fucking uh 100 lives of black jack savage pull has just been outdone by your obscure reference to the hit musical a new brain yes starting the guy from caroline in the city whoo it was so it couldn't be done it was so

obscure that I didn't even i didn't even realize there was a fucking reference so that's where we are as a as an entertainment show now so now one third of us got it what i what i'm saying the point that i'm making is that this this young lady this young musical artist can double her profits she can have two chart toppers instead it's just the one that that that is gonna get the itunes downloads it's all about fucking diversifying here's the question does the song about music have the same draw as the song about butts it does if you fucking attach them you know the good thing about it is that you i i feel comfortable giving my baby daughter a song about music and the low parts of music exactly um her hearing is fully formed i'm excited about that i can't let her hear a song

that's even obliquely about butts exactly she'll find out about butts in her own good time i'm not exposing her to that so have you not let her listen to back to poo corner travis patch travis patrick macroe that was the only good thing left that was the only good thing left and you just took that from me travis patrick macroe it's all piss beards and poo corner here this week this is the worst show ever fuck it was the only good thing left the only source of pure joy in this fucking world oh my god they can't invent good things fast enough for us to ruin them god i gotta call i gotta call k logs up admit it travis up your output dog okay travis i want you at this is not a joke

i want you to find the contact information for kitty logins probably his management okay i want you to find the contact information kitty logins and i want you to write him an apology for what you did i will do i want you to apologize to kenny logins you can use you can use our pot 30 million people listen this fucking thing is gonna get a lot more draw than any any change dot org petition ever will i want you to use this as your platform and i need you to start right now travis right now i want you to go to twitter and i want you to type period at kenny logins and i want you to write an apology to him right now and then i want you to read it on our show to our massive fanbase i want you to tweet that right now because i want people to see it without

you would know what you did and then it'll make sense later i want you to tweet your apology to kitty logins right this second for saying i'm sorry for ruining your song on my hit show please retweet here's make sure you actually use our at mb mb am because that's gonna get if he retweets that oh my god dear while travis is apologizing to kitty logins we should wrap up i think we should wrap up our program uh uh max fun week is coming up this you know this is very exciting it's it's been a big time for max fun this these past couple weeks we just added three new god damn shows do you remember when they added us and we were like the first one they had in like 14 years and now they're just like all the time but these aren't throwaway podcasts these are

fucking phenomenal podcasts that we've added yeah not junk podcasts like ours where we just talk about knots instead of and apologize to kitty logins not not these podcasts are not dear mr logins sorry for implying that back to poo corner is about but please forgive me hashtag mb mb am oh that was perfectly perfectly organized um these these new podcasts are definitely not all piss beards in poo corner it is right uh these are these are tremendous podcasts and some of them aren't even new let's talk about the flop house that cannot be our featured show of the of the week uh i i feel ashamed that i hadn't listened to it uh before we picked it up but fuck me i listened to it my whole i just got back from chicago had a really shitty day

where like two flights got cancelled out from under me but it's okay because i had these good good goofs in my ear go listen to the flop house it's a good one also go listen to baby geniuses in destination diy uh uh you're you're gonna love these new shows i guarantee it and you know while you're at it go listen to the other shows that you don't already listen to and they'll be new to you i'm coming up on an episode of lady to lady that i think not this week but next week it might be the 15th or the 16th but they're great and if you've never listened to the show go treat yourself go treat yourself also go listen to bullseye justin's on that one uh travis blasted me through what what did i say i said bullseye didn't i yeah it's phonetically similar to saw bones

all right uh travis why don't you blast through the schedule of max fun week okay we should maybe super fast we should make we didn't really set up max fun week so why don't we talk about what it actually with the fucking i don't understand okay so max fun week is just kind of like a you know a community building exercise it's saying hey we're not asking for money we're not asking from anything from you we just want you to feel more like a part of the community the max fun community so it's an excuse to get you to listen to shows you maybe haven't checked out yet and maybe just kind of reach out and make a new connection and so we have a whole schedule of fun events um third so it starts wednesday october 15th max fun trivia day

how deep does your max fun trivia knowledge go uh they'll be posting trivia questions on the max fun hq twitter account and the first person to answer each question will get entered in a drawing for like prizes and shit so make sure you're following max fun hq and make sure you're paying attention uh on wednesday uh on thursday it's all about leaving reviews on itunes and checking out shows maybe you haven't checked out before and then writing a nice review or liking someone else's review and just kind of getting the word out building up our you know our our base in our brand and all that shit um friday october 17th is uh well this one's pretty awesome you guys basically um they'll post an audio clip of one of judge john hodgeman's signature interpretations

on twitter and it's up to you to guess the reference and the first correct answer gets entered in a drawing for a prize so that's fun how about your john hodgeman how about this next one though oh this one's all about the base chill all about that base the butts of the music because it you have to fucking clarify with that stupid song okay on saturday october 18th here's your challenge you got to draw the adventure zone adventures so you can who can basically in case you for some reason haven't heard it yet we did a number of this show that you listen to now were you about to say you got to read that copy about us who can forget that dumb shit that they did that one time basically what we're looking for is some kind of visual representation whether

it's like drawing or painting or sculpting or whatever uh of the characters that we played in dnd and the person who does the best one the winning artist will get a signed dnd players uh players handbook fifth edition signed by all of us all the brothers we should probably do that yeah we'll like get on that and shit we'll do it we'll like do it um boy i miss the adventures and i wish we did more of that i wish we had recorded i wish we had recorded more of that jesus um seems it just seems like poor you know foresight for us to like start a grand campaign and then not follow through yeah um and then on sunday it's all about scheduling meetups in your hometown make sure to let people know about it monday um share your favorite episode tell all your friends about it make a post on

facebook or on reddit or on twitter um and then tuesday is the max fund rocket collaring contest they'll post a line drawing of the max fund signature rockets and then you color it decorate it whatever you want to do um and if yeah and then the favorite will win a prize so lots of chances to win prizes hang out with people get involved and do some shit so it's not about anything other than just like celebrating you find folks um for listening to our shows if you there's going to be a schedule posted on max fund uh the max fund facebook group on the reddit max fund thing if you follow max fund hq on twitter you're gonna get uh all of the the information there's also going to be uh some some fun crossovers and for our max fund episode our max fund week episode we have a

very special guest we're very excited about this not only is he like an amazing dude but he's he's like super cool and we're really happy we're gonna be joined by john hajman himself who is who is going to be pleased when he finds out that we think he's amazing and super cool yeah so if you guys want to let him know that we think he's super cool dude um make sure so if you're listening to this uh today on monday then you need to send us some guest questions asap um and then get them answered by john hajman uh that'll be very exciting and intimidating and terrifying but mostly we probably won't be funny at all scared yeah i'm scared about it um every guest that we've had on the show has been more entertaining and charming and funny and smart than us so this is nothing new

um cool that's max fund week it's gonna be great it's gonna be a good good time uh i actually won't be in america for it but maybe i'll maybe i'll do a japanese max fund week maybe i'll try and spread the seed over there our japanese listener base is not as big as i need it to be so um plant the seed uh thanks to people tweeting about the show like rick sammy uh square head triumph at jen neil skinner christ depkin recovering ninja cat tommy travis david barnett sarah sissori michael taylor joel kelly jake stefan uh uh the almost fosters uh oh show in my may at renaud and uh so many others who are tweeting about it and uh oh we really appreciate it thank you i want to thank john roger the long winter producer theme song it's an departure off the album putting the days to

bed uh it is guys we talk about it all the time but it really is so so good i was i was listening to it uh while i was landing yesterday and put me in a very wistful and pensive mood also thanks to naturebox.com we can get great tasting healthy snacks for free five free snacks go to naturebox.com slash my brother and sign up to get your own free sampler box of great tasting healthy snacks and i would like to just take a second to say i love you to my wife today is our one-year wedding anniversary holy s*** congratulations you did a thank you thank you uh that's gonna do it she doesn't listen to the show well no why would she to my brother my brother me griffin do you have a final yahoo sure i got a good one this final yahoo was sent in by laura sasha or sacha

thank you lauren it's by yahoo answers user jackson who asks how did dmx's voice get like that i'm just a macaroy i'm travis macaroy i'm griffin macaroy this is my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported i'm camry noscosito i'm ria butcher i am ricky carmona and we are the cast members what i don't know podcastiness of wim bam pow that's an action sci-fi movie podcast you can find on maximumfun.org or on itunes and what do we do news reviews and things you can use tons of things we break it down so it can forever be broken hilarious jokes plus sometimes there's a dog in

the studio sometimes there's a dog here we'll see you in your earbuds