My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 223: Bro's Better, Bro's Best Ch. 46-61

Episode Date: October 27, 2014

With Griffin in Japan, we've generated yet another Best of collection for you, our beloved family. Also: New live show announcement! Suggested Talking Points: 5:03 — ThorWatch 2011 6:15 — Adult Teen Baby 8:39 — He’ll Have a Salad 12:45 — Teen CEO Month 17:00 — GriffinSpaceJam.com 19:55 — How to Hire an Alf 24:55 — Forever a Whitford, Nary a Cooper 25:30 — Good Names for Twins 31:25 — Studio 54 For Kids 38:20 — Money Zone 45:00 — Just Ask Her, Dummy 47:33 — The Strategic Home Improvement Reserve 51:20 — Sexually Attracted to Numbers 56:45 — Could I Take Tyra Banks? 1:00:17 — Can A Yeti Accept Jesus? 1:06:00 — We Didn’t Start the Fire 2 1:11:20 — Destroying The Perfect Horse 1:19:50 — Pasta Party 2011//The Pussycat Dolls 1:24:25 — Wonka.

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mention only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother being an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm your baby brother, Griffin McElroy. Oh, hi Griffin, you sound great. Thanks. You sound like you're in Japan. I'm a muppet.

Well, Griffin, why don't you keep it down, let your brother and I talk. Just pipe down there, buddy. Okay. Griffin's in Japan, so he's not here, but we do have a fresh, we didn't want to leave you hanging, so we got a fresh episode of Old Things for you. It's fresh in sequence, I guess, so let's cut that going for it. This is our spectacular best of Halloween episode. It's terrifying how little effort they put into it. No, it's actually terrifying. It's actually the old bits we used to do. It's the, it is actually horrifying how much more work it takes to put together one of these episodes versus just blathering on for an hour. And I like to listen to all the old monthly observances.

Oh, real quick before we get into it, though, we got some fun news for you. We're going to be doing a, we've got six live shows booked before April or the end of April, 2015. There's a lot coming. We got our first one, though, to announce to you that our beloved listeners is my brother, my brother, me, Home for the Candlenights, a holiday spectacular live from Huntington, West Virginia, our hometown. Travis. West Virginia, here's the thing. West Virginia, it's closer than you think. That's actually the state motto, state motto, closer than you think. West Virginia. We have been talking about doing a show like this for a long time. We have no idea if anyone from Huntington will come. We think they will, some of them,

but we're counting on you folks to come in and hang out with us. We're doing the show on December 21st at 7 p.m. at City Hall. Tickets will go on sale Monday. That's today at noon at mbmbamcandlenights.brownpapertickets.com. So if you want to get tickets for that. They're only $15. Yeah, they're $15 bucks. It's going to be, we're going to avoid cursing because it's a Candlenights episode, shooting for like PG-13. We're going to try to avoid the super bad words, but hopefully it's something that the whole family can enjoy. We have actually talked about, actually, I came up with this idea last night and I haven't asked you, Travis, but I think we should have my brother-in-law with me, family breakfast, the day after at Flap Jackson Oppa,

Huntington's finest combination breakfast and Mexican restaurant. Well, how does one say no to that? Yeah, you can't. You can't say no to it. It'll be fun. Sawbones, the medical history podcast I do with my wife, Sydney, we're going to, we'll be opening for my brother-in-law, my brother and me. So you're going to get a Sawbone show. Our dad will be there. I really think this is going to be like a one-of-a-kind Huntington experience. If you've never been to Huntington, this is going to be your best. That's going to be your best. And it is not a rural town. It is a suburban area. There are many hotels for you to choose from. There are many fine restaurants, which we will be happy to make recommendations for. You should visit Pullman Square. Pullman Square. You can do

some shopping. There's lots to do in Huntington, but the main thing you're going to want to do is you're going to want to visit us for our holiday spectacular. Family-friendly, lots of, what, like, but not like little kids. They won't like it probably, but it's family-friendly. Yeah, let's hear like PG, PG-13. Yeah, but mbmbamcandlenites.brownpeppertickets.com is going to be the show at Huntington City Hall. 7 p.m. tickets are 15 bucks. It's going to be a hoot, a hoot, nanny. I think it'll be a hoot. So make the trip. Come on down, visit us, hang out. It's going to be, you know, it's going to be nice because we're not, we're going to be on our home turf and you'll get to meet a lot of people that we know and hang out and it'll be fun.

Okay, so with that being said, hits. Welcome, my brother, my brother and me, where Travis suggested we lead off the show by mentioning the release of Thor. That's his high energy opening. Did you guys see Thor? Hey, did you guys hear about Thor? He's got this hammer thing. A hammer? Did you guys see Thor? Yeah, he's like the Prince of Asgard or something. Thor watch. What's your say, what's your say, Thor watch 2011 Griffin? How? The countdown is over. I saw Thor, there's a Thor signing up my Trader Joe's. He's picking up some soft pretzel bread for Loki. Thor watch 2011 is an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest

brother, Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This is not a gag. I said, what should we lead the show off with? And Travis says, Thor came out. All right. Can you think of what else happened this week that's worth noting? Thor. Yep. So as I mentioned, this is an advice show for the modern era and a Thor watch. It's not a play a thing, like it's it's nautically themed. Justin, can I tell you, as somebody who on a weekly basis scours Yahoo answers for things that are funny, there is every kind of play that you can imagine. There's just no kind of play that is out of mind. I've been I've been trying to find a way to talk about it on the show. You guys know about age

play? Excuse me? It's called age play. I couldn't find a funny Yahoo answer about it because they're all just so it's just so crushing. But it's where one person pretends to be a baby. Oh, look at him. Okay, but now like they pretend to be like a senior citizen and get a nursing home. You can. You can do that. The world is your oyster in the world of age play. Fuck, you just got into the movies for 550. That's so hot. Tell me about that early bird special. We're eating dinner at 4pm. God, I'm wrecked. Do you think that there are people that are like hardcore like goth enthusiasts or steampunks or something and their idea of this kind of sex plays like you put on a suit and you carry a briefcase and like you talk

about spreadsheets. They call it they call it norming it up. Norm play. Somebody didn't norm you tonight. Tonight. Let's just listen. We're having casserole. I want to play in the perfect eating course. We're going to drink first. I want to I want to light some candles. We bought a bath and body one and then I want to put on TV. Oh my god. It's a becker marathon. I want to put on that madman soundtrack. We bought a target and just go crazy. Well, go restrained on you. And when that's done, I got Colby Calier lined up. It's next on iTunes. I'll open your delicate mouth and feed you some Oreos. Can you imagine? Goth people can't eat Oreos. Goth people can't eat Oreos. Finally like blood cookies.

That's true. From Toll House. Those are delicious though. No. Those Kebler Elf commercials are fucked up though. Give me regard. Come into the tree and I'll survive. Put a baby in. I'll come blood cookies and reduce that blood cookies. Don't ask. Hey, let's get into the questions. My girlfriend and I have been dating for seven months now and we enjoy going out to eat every once in a while. The thing is when we order the food, she takes it upon herself to order both her food and my food. At first it was kind of cute, but now it's really starting to bother me. Should I say something to her about it or is this one of those things I need to let go? Flustered in Florida. Wow, that's so weird. Yeah,

I've never heard of that. That's not a thing that people actually do unless they're in like a movie. What if when she ordered your food, you just screamed wrong. Close, but not right. Let's go with a steak. We were looking for a steak. Maybe she really knows him really well. I would actually be a big fan of this. I hate deciding what to eat at a restaurant because I don't understand the big words. Like what's a grew year? What's a grew year? I think he probably like picks the food. I just think that like when the lady comes around that she says like he told me earlier that he wanted to have the steak and Gruyere, so I'm going to order that for him. Maybe or maybe like really mean and she thinks like he's overweight and doesn't want to say anything about it. So

she's like really passive aggressive like he'll have a salad. Yeah, I'll have the chicken corn on blue and tubby tubs over there is going to have a shot of wheat grass and some disapproving looks. Somebody skipped his morning jog so he gets a mixed green. I think that you should probably ask out of curiosity like very non non-aggressive. Hey, why do you do that? Why does that happen over time? Maybe there's a good loving reason for it. Maybe you're really bad at like human interaction and she's saving you from having to make a fool of yourself in front of the waiter. Like she knows you're going to make terrible jokes about how you want your steak done or whatever. I like how do you mistake cooked on the grill. She's trying to prevent that from happening.

My name is Fred and I'll be your customer this evening. Could you steak me? The first time you guys went out, did you embarrassingly order things like I'll have the hamburger because you hold the mustard and put the mayonnaise in a cup next to it and stuff like that? Maybe she doesn't want to deal with your whininess. Bring me the mayonnaise and a stein if you could please. I need a thimble full of vinaigrette. If I see a pickle, I'm going to burn this restaurant down. Sorry, darling. I think you should ask to find out what the reason is. If it's a good reason, that's not worth it. Does it really bother you? What you should do is just completely embrace this

and when your lady orders for you, make eye contact with the waiter and just give a real slow nod. Yeah. It feels like you're inviting him into your relationship. She was correct. Why don't you turn it into a contest where you tell her, listen, baby, I don't mind if you keep ordering for me, but I'm going to order for you. If I get to the waiter first, I'm ordering for you. Yeah. Well, it doesn't even have to be like that. You can be like, who knows the other person better? She'll order something for you and she'll be like, I think he would like the barbecue bacon onion burger from TGI Fridays and then you'll be like,

she'll have cookies. Sir, it's seven o'clock. I know for a fact she hasn't eaten dinner yet because she's at a TGI Fridays. I know what I said. Yeah. She'll have the cookies, please. And a bowl of croutons. I get a bowl of croutons, some of those cocktail swords. There's one thing about my, I know about my girl and then she's got a big race coming up and she's got a carb. Got a carb up. Cruts, please. It's just carb. Do you guys know what day it is? Oh, God damn it. Yep. Oh, fuck. It is May now. I got to go down the list though, because I didn't pick it. Oh, good. Good. Teen CEO month. Oh, God.

Like Bieber, right? Huh? Like Bieber? Like Bieber is the CEO of Bieber Industries. Yeah. Um, where did this company go wrong? Maybe it was the milkshake machine. This is mysterious. React month. Bang. What was that? I don't know. I'll tell you in May. National hamburger month, national barbecue month, a lot of food. I don't know. I don't know. I need a whole month for hamburgers. Like I'm pretty much up on those. I'm a hamburger last week on a grill. I'm celebrating national hamburger a year. I'm celebrating national hamburger life.

Eco driving month. There's got to be some tips. There's got to be some tricks. Guys, you might have to dip into the weekly observances. Please don't, Christ. Teen CEO month. Let's do it. Let's help spread awareness. Did you know that May 8th through 14th is national salute to mom's 35 plus week? What? Did you know that May 9th through the 13th is national etiquette week? I don't. I can't do these weeks with you. I'm going to be straight with you guys. This entire time as you've been talking about the weeks and everything, I have in fact been

picturing teen CEOs and like Mr. Brad rolling in to the board room on a skateboard and like, now there's a skateboard room. Teen CEO month. Mr. Brad? Yeah, because that's what he has everyone calling. He's like, Mr. Johnson is my father. Call me Mr. Brad. Let's start. Let's start. Okay. I already started. Okay. But in the form of a PSA please. Okay. Hey. Hey. Teen CEOs. They're just like regular CEOs, only shorter. My brother, my brother. Teen CEOs. They'll get dumped and lay off the whole mail room.

Teen CEOs. As long as your CFO is a grown up, this should be okay. Teen CEOs. Because an adult would want to run everything his way. My brother, my brother. That one is specific to Charlie the Jungle Factory, by the way. Teen CEOs. Good luck sleeping your way to the top, felon. Can I just talk more about Mr. Brad? Tired of shaggy songs, not being pumped into your office 24 hours a day? Try a teen CEO. He loves that shorty one. I wish I had more modern references to dip into.

Shaggy is the most modern you can go? Shaggy is about as modern as I can go in terms of music. If you want to hear more limp biscuit. Is there one called Disco Panic? Is that an outfit that the kids are going to stick to? Yeah. That is a punk outfit. You want to hear more Disco Panic pumped into your office 24 hours a day? If you want to hear more brown eyed peas, hire a teen CEO. Maybe they'll get furgy to come do some motivational work.

That would be inspiring, I think. Will I am come and help everybody get their group back? How about this? Teen CEO. Profits are down 15%, but angst is up by 20. I cut expenses just to feel. Oh, shit. Try again. Try to save it. Last minute makes this bit worth it. I have a jingle that goes just like this.

I'm going to mash him up. It's a mash-up. I'm trying to lead you in here. I want to give you one more time. Here's a mash-up. Girl talk. Oh, shit. The lion in tweet is a friend in deep and he's also a podcast too.

Shit. Nope. Fuck. Lost it. All right. That was a good start. Here we go. The lion in tweet is a friend in deep and he's also a podcast too. And the lion in time is a fine feline, but don't let him devour you. I gotta do something on Media Lab. I made a photo shop with me and my best friend, Michael Jordan. Actually, it was me and Michael Jordan and the cast of Space Jam. It was called me and Space Jam.

I gotta do another verse. We actually talked about the shit. Didn't even mention a thing. All right. Here we go. I took me and Space Jam and I turned it into a website using Media Lab's Site Grinder Technology. You can visit it, visit it, visit it at griffinspacejam.com. That was so worse.

For fear of dwelling too long. I have done so many. Griffin, what exactly is the purpose? What is the website for? What are you doing there? Oh, is it just for your Space Jam fan fiction? What is the story about me and Michael Jordan? Listen, I got on a hot streak.

I was trying to find the exit off of that musical highway and I missed it. And then I just had to keep going on the Michael Jordan Express. You had no other choice. What could you do? Oh, Jesus. Oh, man, I'm going there right now, griffinspacejam.com. Where can I hire an elf impersonator for my B-Day party? I am going all out this year and throwing myself a B-Day party.

I'm an elf fanatic. I think we could have assumed. Yeah, I'm cool on elf. I have minor elf enthusiasts. I bought my three friends three gifts to give me. An elf lunchbox, an elf alarm clock, and an elf rock star action figure with guitar and posable arms. Let it sink in, okay?

I'll let it sink in. All I need is an elf impersonator. Where can I find this? I would say first and foremost, you need a few more things than just an elf impersonator. I can think of 25 things off the top of my head that you need before you need an elf impersonator. I'm going to throw out this person has three friends.

Who apparently don't, does not understand her pension for elf? Like they couldn't think like, what's what's Carly all about? Elf, I think that's maybe what you should base your gifts on. So tell me about this birthday party you're taking me to, Danny. Yeah, it's going to be cool. The guy's really nice. There's this one thing. Just a heads up.

Just a heads up. If someone's like, brings up Gordon Shemway, just roll with it. He's, he's, he's a, he's a fan. Welcome to Melmac. We are not being particularly helpful. You're right. Where can they find an elf impersonator? Wait, what's the number?

Is there an accepted answer from the audience or service? Well, I'm reading a, I don't know if you can see this. I'm reading off a piece of paper. Yeah. Right. Don't, I don't have that. I remember it because I looked it up. Number one answer.

The midget store. No, that's it. No, you guys laugh, but that's an excellent point because if you get an elf that is like you get eye to eye with an elf, like he's, he's the height of a full grown man. Like you'll, you will, that's a, I can't imagine anything scarier than that in my mind than a six foot tall elf. You don't think like the whole situation is just terrifying? I think the whole situation is terrifying in general, but.

No, you see, I thought this too. Elf expanded the six feet tall, horrifying, but not as horrifying as that moment when you reach for the punch and you're like, whoa, elf right there. I think there's a, there's a whole emporium of oddly sized, like 80s sitcom star impersonators. Could we make this like a giant Webster? Like, horrifyingly gigantic wonders. Uh, with killing power. She's a robot, but with killing power.

Yeah, she's basically, she's still cute as a button, but she's nine feet tall. She's, she's sweet as pie. Her arm does spin around and become a machine gun. She's a darling though. She's hooked up to Skynet, but otherwise a real sweetheart. I think that like if you are, if you are a midget who, a little person who will go to who does birthday parties. If you are an elf impersonator, you don't care.

You've got the suit, right? Like you've got the suit in your house. They, there can't be enough of those just rolling around that. Call me what you will. I need the money real bad. Is this guy going to be able to handle meeting elf in person? Is this guy going to be able to handle the pressure? I'm like, I could, I could.

I am starstruck. How is Oh yeah. Let me pause it. Another question. Can we just get the real elf? What's he up to? What has out been in since elf?

Oh, stupid elf. He's got to be doing something, right? Somewhere there's a, there's a room you could walk into and there would be elves hanging from the ceiling deal with that reality. Let's just like dead eyed looking right at you. We were talking about this, we were talking about this backstage, actually just rapping about elf. How fucked up is it that elf's real name is Gordon Shumway,

but people still call him elf? Like he told them his real, his real ass name, right? Like, hi, I'm Gordon. Oh, elf. That's just that short hand bigotry is what that is. Yeah. Elf is his slave name. That's what you're saying the way.

I'll edit that out later. Fuck. You know, a lot of people don't know this LeVar Burton played elf. That's true. That's true. That's true. No, you laugh. It's true.

He's multifaceted. Not just a blind man, also an extraterrestrial with a real taste for kitties. Um. Ladies are like, like mad sexy. They're like super sexy. All of them 100%. Guys, we don't have like, unless I blast my core like Bradley Cooper style. Unless me and Coop hit up the gym and do some yoga lotties and blast our pecs and cores,

just wail on them. Or even Bradley Whitford style. And he did style. See, that's my jam. I would take a Bradley Whitford core at this point. Forever a Whitford. Mary Cooper. This one was sent in by Cameron Daigle.

I'm sorry I said his name like that. Thank you, Cameron Daigle. It's by Yahoo Answers user monkey pot tree nut who asks. Pregnant with twins. Are these good names? I was thinking of cute and wait, can I can I can I prognosticate an answer? Sure, they are not. I was thinking, I was thinking of fun and cute names for my twins, boy and girl, heart.

I'm also inspired by a lot of celebrities. Their children have such unique names. Anyway, here it goes, starting with a girl's name and then a boy's name. Jam and Ham Smith. Nice. Lola and Boba Smith. Boba. Sammy and Sammy Smith.

Now hold up. Sammy S.A.M.I. and Sammy S.A.M.M.Y. Oh, Jesus. Law and Lee Smith. That would make Sophie's choice really tough, wouldn't it? Take Sammy. You go and work it out. Sugar and.

You can say Law and Lee. Law, Law and Lee Smith. Sugar and Spice Smith. Oh, God. That's got my- Wait, is the boy sugar and the girl spice? Yes. And the boy's spice?

Nope, you had it right. Oh, God. Sylvia. You know what that boy is? A teen runaway. Sylvia and Sylvia Smith. App because they're living in a Shakespeare comedy. Apple and Pear Smith.

Oh, God. Which pear is your favorite? Thanks. I like Apple and Pear. It's just like fucking turn your whole family into some big awful fruit salad. Big stupid. Just a big dumb compote.

Did my boys in the Yahoo Answers crew, did they have any votes? Yahoo Answers user, you know you love me said great for dogs. How's your burn? Hey, check your face. It's on the ground. I just rammed your face to the deep fat fire.

Because it burns so bad. I burned you so hard. Pretty good one. Pretty good singer. OK, someone said jam is an adorable name for a little girl. No, it's not. Nope. Hey, I can't.

I take you as my bride jam. Hi, I'm jam. Hi. That is a fucking power play. Oh, jam. What does that mean? It means that before I was even born, my parents decided they hate me.

They hated me already. You got legitimate grounds like mom, dad, you hate me. Yeah, it seems like it. Can we come up with some other rhyming couplets for this? Sure, sure. Food based maybe since most of these are. So like these are my kids hot and pocket. What rhymes would be better off adopted?

Mark. Mark. That's not quite it. But what about Julie and Julia? These are my kids, Susan and Schmoozen. Schmoozen. This is my son Schmoozen. I'm very proud of him.

I love him dearly. What about? Can we call him Pepsi and Coke? Pepsi and Coke. Pepsi. OK. Can you choose between my kids in a blind taste test? What is that?

Uncle Kevin. No, thank you. Can you call one Mountain Dew and one Dr. Pepper? I'm a doctor. What is your younger sister, Mr. Pim? I am Dr. Dr. Pepper Smith. This is my brother, Jam. This is our poor cousin, Dr. Funday.

Just keep having twins until you can fucking stock a refrigerator with your children. But don't do that. I can't state this strongly enough. Sweetheart, we ran out of Miracle Whip. We gotta have a kid, I guess, and name him that. How does this work again? I don't understand.

Let's go for the kid. I'm confused. You named the kid the food, but I'm still hungry after it. Oh, the poor hell that these kids are being born into. OK, here's what you need to do. Whenever you think about what you're going to name your kids, just set up some practice sentences in your head. Yeah, hello.

My name is Jam. I would love to work here. I want to be a doctor. I'm your Dr. Jam, Smith. I'm Dr. Jam. This is my partner. No, I take it back. Dr. Jam is perfect because you're setting him up

to be a professional sports player. Dr. Jam, and this is my boombox. He's my resident. I'm going to cut into you and fix you. Yeah, this is my belt moves. This is my resident boombox, and I'm Dr. Jam. How can I help you today? I'm in a private practice with Dr. Krakenstein.

I take it back. These are awesome names. Who is that in the corner? It's Ham. It's my brother, Ham. He's on the ones and twos. He's going to mix while I cut in. Yeah, so I think they're all pretty good.

Griffin, let's do this thing. What are they short for? Hamilton and Jamilton. I love it. And our country's 53rd president was, of course, Jamilton P. Smith. How about a Yahoo? Because I've got a lot of them.

Give me, give me, give me, give me. Oh, this will be good. This one was sent in by Jacob Blocker, who's just the best guy. It's by Yahoo Answers user Ice CreamEater who asks, should I build a disco playhouse for kids in my backyard? Yes. Let me explain.

I had this idea in the back of my head for a while, and I liked a little advice. And that's what we do here. I myself was a 70s kid in disco fever, never died in my heart. What if I built a mini studio 54 in my backyard? What? I could get a disco ball, a stereo for my old record player,

and a pixie sticks vending machine. I'd love to dress my kids up like 70s celebrities like John Travolta, Barbara Streisand, Mick Jagger, and such, and make them dance and have fun. Should I go through with the idea? Hey, you fucking kids. Hey, you fucking kids, you don't look like you're having fun. I wanna make you have fun, Babs.

I'm gonna make you have fun. Little Babs, dance with little John, have fun. Do your best, Jagger. Because you're Mick Jagger. Do it. Snort this pixie stick. Snort it. That's what he means, right?

My pixie stick? Oh, Christ, yes. What colors should the inside of the disco playhouse be painted? Should the disco playhouse have windows or no windows so it's dark inside? Yeah, I think the color of massive amounts of psychological stuff, right? That's really gonna...

Puse? What color would you paint the inside of the disco playhouse door? If the disco light's disco ball is turned on and me and the kids are dancing, would it be better to have curtains at the entrance of the disco playhouse to block out any outside light or no curtains and close the door?

I think... Holy fucking Jesus Christ. Which is the one that keeps Jesus out? Is that curtains or is that a door? Because he can see he's gonna kill you instantly and take you to hell, himself. And he doesn't like to go down there. Wow.

So... Dog. You... Dog? No. No windows. No. You owe it to your brood.

Your ruined brood to make sure that their fucking friends, their cohorts in elementary school aren't gonna see them dressed up in polyester jumpsuits and snorting pixie sticks with their dad. It's too late. They're dead inside. You killed them already.

They're dead inside and outside if you let them snort pixie sticks in a tiny studio 54 you built in your backyard. Hey, I know I only get you kids on the weekends, but listen. Listen, look what I've been working on all week. I've been working on a discotech for you and your little...

Do your friends want to come? You want to have your little friends come? Dad, we're 26. We're 26 years old, dad. You know, I heard your friends talking about how much you love the Gap band, and I was just... Oh, that's a conversation that never happened,

nor will it ever. God, I miss the 70s. Yeah, I miss the 70s, too. Hey, do you guys want to make a wild cherry reunion group? Like, we'll get a little wild cherry, this is what we'll call it. Motherfucker, how... Okay, no windows, no doors, no walls.

Don't do it. No problem. No problem. You never had... I know... Listen, I've had some fucking stupid ideas, too, okay? I'm there with you. Like, I've had some ill-advised notions

that my wife has had to dispel me of. I tried to order my own dinner once. That did not go well, for example. This... Or is it great? I wanted to be going on... Like, I wanted to be going on in the world that I live in. I just don't like the idea of it happening to real people.

Yeah, I don't like the idea of a dad, like, consulting with his children, like, should there be a fuck room? Like, dad? Daddy? Should we just have a... Like, a champagne... A champagne re...

Like, a champagne tent, maybe? This is the sleek... This is the slip and slide. It's cut it in vodka. Crazy. Tonight. I think that you're never too young to indulge in all of your mind and heart's

bacchanalian desires. Unless the only party guests have the same last name as you. In which case... You're always gonna be young. Me and the kids partying, like, it's 1973. The kids... No.

The kids punked out at, like, 1030. They went inside and watched Babar. But I stayed there just twirling. Just wildly twirling to the seventh on December. Just twirling, hoping that if I spin fast enough, I'll reverse the rotation of the Earth and travel back in time to grown-up studio 54. To adult studio 54.

You know, the one good thing about this is you're really gonna prepare your kids, because for the rest of their life, they can always... Like, no matter how sad or weird things get for them, they can always say it's neither the saddest nor weirdest thing they've ever been a party to. And when your kid becomes the Bay Harbor butcher

and they're constantly trying to peel people's faces off, they have a pretty justifiable reason for why they are that way. Hey, I just want to say, I don't want to creep you out, but I think you're beautiful. Can I teach you how to roller skate? Will you come to little 54 with me? I love you too.

We're going to little 54. I hear Lil' Elton John is there, playing Lil' Crocodile Rock. The kids love it. What if it turns out to be really fucking fresh, though? What if it's dope and every kid wants to get in? It's dope and everyone wants to be your kids' friends, because of it.

They have to stand behind a tiny velvet rope and have sex with the tiny doorman to get in. Stop it. That's not good. You're rearing me out. That's like a little kid. That is what will happen, but that's... I hadn't seen the movie in there, a movie called just 54,

and it's just like... Smite Myers and Ryan Phillippeys. And they're just like fucking in big pits of bubbles all the time, when the bubbles are made of LSD. Yeah. And then like three flamingos are there. What if the dad is the only one that gets coked out, and he just like rolls around the dance floor,

welcoming kids to his party. Welcome to my party. Welcome. Welcome to little 54. Michael's over there in the corner, if you want to go play with him. What do you mean I can't get in, little bouncer? I made this place.

I built this out of my own two hands. I am little studio 54. That's no little... You can't cut me out, David. We built this together when weekend, if you remember. Hey, this happens. Yeah. Can everybody...

Can we crowdsource this and just say, everybody go outside, look in your backyard, look in your neighbor's backyards. And if you see this, if you see this, can you just call me? I'll give you my number. I need to know. It's been a really rough month,

and I could really use this in my life right now. You believe us? So far, so good. So far, so great. Were we ever so young? A lot of classic bits there for your enjoyment. We want to take just a second to visit the Money Zone with you and tell you about Prosper.

Actually, Travis, you tell me about Prosper. Well, Justin, have you ever tried walking to a bank and asking for a personal loan to pay off something like credit cards or home improvement, or maybe just like start a home business? I tried to take out a loan for funny business, I told them. I got some...

And what did they say? Believe it or not, no. They said no, those assholes. Well, there's a better way to borrow money and it's called Prosper.com. Basically, think about it like this. If you have something that maybe is like an irregular loan or even like something you would get from a bank,

like a car loan or something along those lines, Prosper.com makes it simpler. You don't have to go to a bank. They can take care of it for you. They can also do things like if you have expensive dental work or a move across the country. Teresa and I just did that

and Prosper would have helped out a lot if I had thought about it, but I didn't because I'm a stupid head. And they can help because basically what it is is a peer-to-peer lending site. So there are people out there with money to invest and there are people out there that need that money. So this works for both parties.

You can borrow up to $35,000 at a low fixed rate without ever setting foot in a bank. And the thing is you can also borrow smaller amounts. Anywhere, I want to say it's from $2,500 to $35,000 depending on your needs. So if you're sitting out there and you're thinking, oh, I've got all these student loans and I want to consolidate them.

Okay, great, get a loan for that. And then you got one loan payment to make. If you're sitting there saying, ooh, I have to replace the furnace in my house and it's going to cost $3,000 I don't have. Maybe you have a medical bill that you can't pay off. And they're not giving you any kind of payment plan. Go check out prosper.com.

And I think that they may be able to help you. You can check your rate instantly without affecting your good credit by going to prosper.com slash my brother. Maybe you don't know your credit score. Maybe you've been afraid to go into a bank because you think that your credit score is too bad. Go find out.

And for a limited time, listeners to the show will get a $50 Visa gift card when you get a loan. So on top of the money you're getting from Prosper, you get another $50 to do with whatever you want. So that's just free money. You got to go to prosper.com slash my brother and you get up to $35,000 in your account in three days and a $50 Visa gift card.

That's prosper.com slash my brother. Check it out. Other restrictions apply. See site for program visa prepaid card details. This card is issued by Center State Bank of Florida in a pursuant to a license from Visa USA. Inc. All personal loans are made by West Web Bank, a Utah Chartered and Industrial Bank member,

FDIC equal opportunity lender. Now Justin, what voice would you say that that was? That was just like business guy voice. Now here's my... I thought it was Lazy Patrick Warburton. Now here's my web guy voice. My brother, my brother me is supported by Squarespace and all on one platform that makes it fast and easy

to create your own professional website or online portfolio. You don't have to sound like me to create websites. I understand why you would assume that, but it's not just limited to folks like myself. Even... There have to be bodybuilders out there that sound like that too, right? Even Uplebiens out there can create a website with Squarespace.

There's support team available 24-7 if you get lost. It's got responsive design. So whatever website you make, it's going to look great on your computer, but also on your phone or on your tablet or whatever, on your Google Glass. Maybe not Google Glass. I don't actually know about Google Glass, but for just eight bucks...

Game mark, color. If you've been your second net, if you've been looking for the time to get into web design, there's never been a better time than this because Squarespace is going to make it easy on you. So here's what you're going to do. You need no credit card. You're just going to start a trial and start building the website

because you're going to go to squarespace.com and you're going to use the offer code mybrother. That's all one word, my brother, and get this. You're going to get 10% off your first purchase. Squarespace, a better web starts with your website. Go check it out, you dummy. Travis, I got a message for you.

For me? Yeah, it's... Well, no, it's from... It's for Adam Calfee and it's from Guy and Gordon. And it says to read in a spooky voice. So I'm going to give it my best shot. Adam Calfee. Wait, no, I'm going to stop you right there.

Would you do it in the Paul Bearer voice? Okay. Adam Calfee. That's right, we said Adam Calfee. I actually have to... You can't see this. I'm actually stroking an invisible urn. I can't do this without...

Does the Paul Bearer voice... Is there some kind of weird stutter that makes you put an R in his name? Calfee. Okay, let me try again. Adam Calfee. That's right, we said Adam Calfee. This is a birthday wish from Gus and Jordan. We hope all the spokes, ghouls, and ghosts come out for your big spooky 30th birthday.

This is pretty fucking spooky. I also like that the message is just from Guy and Gordon, but it's also from Gus and Jordan apparently. Do you have any other messages? Yes, we do. We have a message for Alicia. This message is from Dan. And Dan says, Hey, Alicia, hope you're having a great day.

See you later. Love, Dan. Very cool, Dan. A very good use of your money, Dan. Nailed it. Nailed it, Dan. Alicia is very, very impressed that you have such disposable income. Yeah, Alicia, I don't know if Alicia's your sister, your wife, your partner,

your imaginary friend, your business partner, whatever. Your second wife, wife. I think it's gonna be one over. By that hit message. So anyway, with that housekeeping business being done, let's get back to the show. And don't forget, if you want a message on the Jumbotron, just go to maximumfun.org forward slash jumbotron. And you too could hear your weird, simple message on our money zone.

I said back to the show. Hey, I like this girl, but I'm afraid to ask her out because we haven't spent a lot of time together. However, I'm sure, if I wait too long, the whole thing might peter out. What should I do for him spring? Does he know a guy named Peter that's going to suit his lady? I don't know. Like.

So like 58 episodes, this is where I finally admit that like, I don't, I don't get these people that like, sometimes we get these questions and the answer is so obvious that I think they're fucking with me. Like, hey, hey, just ask her dummy. Like, just, just, you can't, if you don't ask her to spend time with you, you can't spend time. How do you think that happens?

Like, you're not filling up like a giant novelty, like thermometer on a donation board. You don't have to spend X amount of time before you ask her out. You just like, what? Hoping you get stuck in an elevator. Just ask her to go fucking. You want to go ice fishing with me? Hey, I hear there's going to be a tornado warning on Thursday.

Do you want to come to my basement and like, it'll be hilarious. Do you want to get accidentally stuck in a freezer with me so we're going to recap all the great times we've had together? Like in that one episode of perfect strangers, because then I can ask you out. I'm cute. Cute meets. They don't happen in real life.

No, they don't. They do not happen like that. You know how you spend more time with someone? You ask them out. Yeah. Just ask them out. You're ready, Peter, which I'm assuming is your name, and that you've come up with a love song.

And he uses the phrase Peter out to mean something awesome. Yeah. You guys, he says whenever he leaves a room. Peter out. I check this out. Check this out, Peter. You wait too long and you die. Oops.

I could have loved her forever. Now I can't. You got any big plans this weekend? Yeah, man. I'm going to go to Zaxby's and totally Peter out. Those people aren't going to know what they saw. It's going to be heinous in there. I'm just going to let loose and Peter out.

I'm just going to Peter out. I've earned it. I've earned one fucking weekend of Petering out, I think. I've sold all the shoes at Foot Locker. I think I can have one weekend of Petering out. I think I've earned that. They can't take that from me. Hey, hey, hey.

You can take as much alimony for me as you want. You'll never, like my ability to Peter out was not part of the settlement. Deborah. Can I say something about Tim Allen? Uh-huh. I don't care for the man's comedy. All right.

Let's just, hold on. Let's stop. Let's just do home improvement time. Okay. Okay. I'm going to say something about Tim Allen. This is a public service message from your friends and my brother and brother and me.

Okay. I don't enjoy the man's comedy myself. But do you realize what kind of a salesman you have to be to walk into his studio, his ex-office, and say, I'm going to make a show about, I'm going to make a show about a guy who hosts a home improvement show and he has a fat bearded friend and a man that lives in a fence. And I have a million dollars.

Let's run this for 12 seasons. I want to run this for, it's going to run for 12 years. It's about a man in a fence. When you say man in a fence, he sounds like some sort of fable. Hi. My name is Wilson. I'm a fable. I'm your neighbor.

Here's some wisdom. You do grant wishes. Do you guys? Everybody on that show, they, I think they all like sort of simultaneously realized they weren't going to do any better work and then just kind of, they just kind of fell off, right? Do you know how many executive producers that show had? Um, I'm, I bet you're going to tell me.

Nine. That just seems. So here's the public service message. Okay. Okay. I feel like your life is directionless. They probably need someone to executive produce an improvement. Why not go over there, put it in an app?

Brother, my brother, right? That show's been off the, the air like 13 whole years. But they're still making it. Well, what are these guys doing? I mean, they're still making it. It's just not being. They're still making it. We still make home improvement.

You might not see it. It was part of that. You know how we have a strategic oil reserve? We have a strategic reserve of home improvement episodes. The price of home improvement is so high. We have got to bring it down. Somebody send out some VHSs. Well, ever since the, the war in Libya started

and Muammar Gaddafi started like hoarding his home improvement, like we've had to start slowly releasing our home improvement to keep the costs down. Hey, we don't, guess what? I'm Mr. President. We don't approve of trading young soldiers blood for episodes of home improvement. That is not acceptable.

Do you know how we're going to fix that situation in Libya though? For real? Do you know how we're going to, how we're going to fix it? How we're going to air it out? How Griffin? Wait, I have a guess.

How? More power. Yes! Here's here. Let's do some actual PSAs. Hey, hey, well, that's not PSAs don't start out with, hey, through to really that conversation. We'll do it anyway.

Hey, if you see Zachary Tye Bryan on the street, why don't you give him a buck or two? He could, he could really use the help. My brother, my brother, me. I know it seems like a good idea at the time, but don't put a V8 engine in a dishwasher. It only leads to pain. My brother, my brother, and me.

Oh, my brother, my brother, me. Richard Karn is swag as fuck. My brother, my brother, and me. Dude, don't let Richard Karn turn into the next Ray Combs. Tell him how much you appreciate him today. My brother, my brother, and me. Have you hugged a Richard Karn today? We think-

Can't find your keys? Check Richard Karn's beard. My brother, my brother, and me. Did you put my keys up there again, Dick Karn? I put my keys in Dick Karn's beard in 1994. They were never seen again. That's where we keep the reserves. Hey, do you want a Yahoo?

Yeah, redeem yourself. This one's sent in by Andrew Binder. Thank you, Andrew. It's by Yahoo Answers user Lol, who asked, Is it normal to be sexually attracted to- Anybody want to guess? I want to guess my answer, no. Numbers.

Numbers. Is it okay to be sexually attracted to numbers? He adds, I admit I am gay. Well, okay. But there are some nights where I take the algebra book back into my room and jack off to the numbers. Number three is my favorite because it's so sexy. Well, yeah.

It looks like a sideways butt. Yeah. That makes sense. Or maybe up sideways balls. There's a lot of things that that three could be. And sideways boobs. It's nice boobs. Three's pretty hot.

Let's break this question down. The first, my biggest problem with it, is that he says, I admit that I am gay, as if that has any bearing on the situation whatsoever. If you're straight in the numbers, then that's cool. Yeah. Or is he saying that that's a side effect? It's like one out of every 100 people who like people of their same gender

also would like to fuck a number. What's the sexiest number, everybody? See, listen, we're not ready to have that conversation yet. We'll get to that. But I think that we need to come up with some rules first. Okay. Are we talking about fucking the idea of a number? Are we talking about I have chains?

The important thing is not to fuck anything under 16. Well, we're not going to get anything funnier than that. God damn it, Travis. Are we talking about like fucking an actual, like if we could manifest this number into an actual shape. Which shape would be like the most pleasurable to like rub up against? Do you have to pick a numeral? A numeral?

Or because like there's so many combinations beyond that. I'm saying what is the hottest numeral? We have to set a limit because I could just say like 16 million, 783,492. And then that's a fucking orgy once you get that number. Let's say between zero and 100. No, numeral, a numeral. Between zero, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Oh, I see what you're saying. Yes. It's zero. Nope. Well, nope. You're wrong. Zero is mysterious. Travis, you're wrong.

Justin, do you want to guess? Well, zero is not bad. I think seven is the sexiest number. Travis, second guess. Eight. Yup. What's up? Two holes.

How did you get there? Two holes. Which one tonight? You know, he's down. Do you want the top? Do you want that solid, that solid hefty bottom? Or do you want the narrow, the slightly narrower top? Sounds good.

And also it recalls snowmen, which everybody would all agree. Always hot. I shouldn't impress my my feelings on people. Here's if I were to defend eight, I would say it's obviously not three, right? Because three is just half an eight. You cut it sideways right down the bottom already. Sure.

Why have you got two threes already? It's called an eight. A number one, how are you supposed to fuck that? Really? Yeah. Zero, that cavity is gigantic. No, yeah. That's just that you're just begging to feel inadequate.

Two, I think you could make a case for. It's got a nice curvature, which you guys know I'm a fan of. Yeah, you do like curvatures. The problem with two and five and seven. Yeah. And that's it. Where do you put it? Yeah, I see what you're saying.

What if you have to have intercourse with the numeral? And that is what we're saying. Right. Uh huh. Then a three would be tricky, but I think you could. Yeah, you could do it. Yeah, I think so too. So I guess what we're saying is I would like to know when this person

discovered this problem, because it could have made for like the most awkward math class ever when he's sitting there. Teachers like, say I have 12 apples and I take five away. What do you have? And the answer is boner. Yeah. Hey, grandpa, there are any answers? Do people help him out at all?

Diana Quimby says, I like 69. That's cool. Nice try, Diana. Um, Sumini, Sumini, um, okay. Says, yes, completely normal. Have fun. You're not hurting anyone. I disagree.

Now I agree with the second half of that sentence, but let's not throw around terms like completely normal. You robbed the words of their power. Yeah, like that. I'm a glee, says everyone has their quirks, I guess. So neon Nathan, guess what? Number Nathan. Hey, number Nathan.

What's up with number Nathan? He's over there. He's playing math blaster and he's fucking jerking it so right to math blaster. Number Nookie Nathan. Number Nookie Nathan. Jerks it to math blaster. I heard on the inner. I heard he is the math blaster.

He said. I'm math blaster. It's what he announces. He announces it loudly. This one was sent in by Metal Gear Jim, which wasn't his Twitter name. That was his actual name on like on the email. So maybe. It's by a who answers user John who asks, could I take Tyra Banks?

John is five foot five, 130 pounds, and I don't work out. My GF just said that I wouldn't have a chance against Tyra. Hmm. What's the scrapping it like is his scrappiness? It doesn't include his power rating. Yeah. Or anything. What do you like his special abilities or anything like that?

But I gotta say, even if you were about six inches taller and like 20 pounds beefier and you did work out, have you seen how fierce Tyra Banks is? I'm looking her eyes. Plus there's just her large like collection of knives that she carries on her person at all times. Well, yeah. But we're talking about modeling. You're just like hand to hand like. Yeah.

Yeah. We're talking about a backstreet brawl, no chains, no pipes, just the fists of a man named John and the fists of a supermodel named Tyra Banks. Are there any holds barred? Let me check. There is one whole barred. Okay. You can't say anything mean about her eyelashes because she's pregnancy.

She's actually that's her weak point. She's really sensitive. You also can't bring up the time she spent in Paris modeling with her mama going from agency to agency, trying to find someone who will take her under her wing because she gets very emotional. She went through some shit in gay paris and I think that that hardened her to like people tell her people tell her she won't never motel. I've heard her say that just like that. Can you translate?

Can you just click Google translation? Use Google translation that said you can't do this. We don't believe in you. You have bad eyebrowshes? Was that the worst? That's how they say it in Paris. The eyebrowshes about your ease. Listen, Tyra Banks will come at you like a fucking Wolverine.

Not like Wolverine from X-Men, like a rabid Wolverine and also kind of like Wolverine from X-Men. Like both Wolverine from X-Men and like a rabid fan of Michigan. But on the bright side, like the next day when you see your friends and they're like, oh my god, what happened to you? You be like, oh dude, Tyra Banks fucked me up. She's got reach. First of all, she's got reach on you because she's a she's a tall beautiful lady.

Her being beautiful has nothing to do with her reach. I just wanted to go ahead and put out the the opinion that she is in fact an attractive woman. She's got nails probably, right? That's safe to assume. They're probably sharp. Um, and just fierceness. We can't stress the fierceness enough. Yeah.

Once you're down, once you're down on the ground bleeding like a bloody heap, she's not going to stop. She will literally kill you. Do you think that he could take Tyra Banks if she were in her fat suit? Oh, no way. Are you kidding me? You could kick her down a flight of stairs. She wouldn't even notice.

Could you take her in her hobo suit? Yeah, her hobo suit, yes. Tyra also should be noted has a weave, which is basically bionics, right? Unfair. Made integration. Good news, John. You won. She got disqualified.

She got disqualified for the use of bionics. How about a Yahoo answer? Yeah. Um, how about this? Uh, this one is sent in by Golly A. Olly. Thank you, Golly A. Olly. It's by Yahoo Answers User Yeti Education Committee. Do you want to go ahead and imagine what the tone of this question is going to be?

Somebody finally stepped up and started educating these Yetis. You dumb fucks. Yahoo Answers User Yeti Education Committee asks, Do you think it is possible for Yeti to accept Jesus Christ as their savior, or does God not want Yeti in heaven? Assume the Yeti speaks English, the language of Jesus. Fuck me. Fuck.

Okay. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This question supposes so many things. First of all, do people who not speak English, are they just automatically, they just don't get to go to heaven? Uh-huh.

Okay. That shouldn't be my main problem with this question, but Nope. This is the first thing that sprung to mind. Yetis have souls, I think, but they're like pet souls. Every rock and tree and creature has a soul. Rocks, rocks, I'm going to quibble with you on, and probably trees. All right.

Well, trees grow. Rocks. What kind of trees? Not fir trees. No, fuck fir trees. Deciduous trees. Deciduous trees have souls. Caniferous?

No. No. Are you saying you don't want trees in heaven? That's what this has to boil down to. I don't want deciduous trees in heaven. God may or may not want Yeti in heaven. I certainly don't. What if like, maybe he lets him in heaven, maybe he doesn't,

but he starts spreading a rumor that there's some Yetis up there. Wouldn't that be a bummer if you got to heaven, and again, the existence of the Yeti was not confirmed? It was rumored like, can you leave giant paw prints in clouds? All right. If my choices are to be ever tortured by the possibility of sesquatches, or to be literally tortured by having my arms torn off by sesquatches, which is their favorite activity,

I would go with the former every time because I love my arms. I hug with them. If you're Kevin's friend, of course, that wouldn't matter so much. Wouldn't be quite so big of a deal, but I'm not acquainted with Kevin. I like my hugs. The sesquatch is a mythical creature, which means that he comes down from heaven whenever he's on earth. Like, if you see him on earth, that means he's vacationing basically.

You mean the Yeti is an angel? Yeah, he's down there spreading the word of God in English, Jesus's language, to the penguins. Do you guys know my favorite episode of Touched by an Angel? It's the one where the Yeti came down and fucking hung out with that Scottish chick. Touched by a Yeti. I like the little Roman downy ripped that dude's arms off. I'm a Yeti, he's sent by...

Rap. Give me that arm. Arms ripped off by an angel. I think the big surprise for this guy is going to be when he gets to heaven and Jesus is a Yeti. This whole time. I know, you guys were like, is he Arabic? You guys were arguing like, is he white? Is he Arabic?

What's this? Nope, you missed it. Not even human. I'm a Yeti. Yeti. Just what? The big man? Big God?

He's a Yeti too. I'm cutting his image. Pretty much everybody. Loki? He was a Yeti. Is he Yeti? He's up here making tricks and jokes. The warps.

Thor is half Yeti. Thor is half Yeti. Jim Morrison was a Yeti. This whole time he's a Yeti. Jim Perry is a Yeti. Jim Morrison won't be in heaven. Don't be ridiculous. No.

Jim Belushi, complete Yeti. Yeti. Shaved Yeti. Yeti Lee, his actual name is Yeti Lee. And he's not dead yet, but he is a Yeti. Yeah. That's where he gets all his base groups from. From his Yeti powers.

Bootsy Collins? Most bases and vans are Yetis. Most people, you see all the streets are Yetis. I would say. Guys, I have something to tell you. Yeah, tell me. I'm a Yeti. That's why I didn't get into heaven.

Because I'm already like a resident. We've been saving it for the season finale. And this is the twist. Shocking reveal of my true nature. I've got Yeti DNA and Yeti skin and fur and teeth and stuff. That person you had at the live show didn't look like a Yeti. It's because it wasn't me. What?

It was an actor? It was my familiar. Every Yeti gets a familiar. A human familiar? Uh-huh. So that was mine. His name is Mike. He's pretty cool, I guess.

Yeah, that's just something I hope that you will still let me do the show. Honestly, Griffin, I don't know that I'm comfortable. I think we need it. After the summer, we'll leave this as like a cliffhanger. So to recap, Griffin told us a Yeti and we may not let him stay on the show and Bernard, our lovable lab tech, was shot in a hold up. And he's in the alley. We don't know if he's going to live or die.

He has no arms. But I have nothing to do with that. Stop trying to pin this on me. Especially you without arms. That's impossible. Could be in so Yeti-ist. Yeti-phobe. It's by Yahoo Answers user Sarah.

Only it's spelled with like weird characters. I'm not going to get into it. Sarah asks, Is my we didn't start the fire continuation decent? What? Okay, like it says decent. I know it's not good and some parts don't flow well, but that's okay. It's supposed to be 1990 through 2009.

I don't know a lot about the 1990s. So there's a little lack of that. What? Are you ready? What universe is this? Are you ready? Wait, Griffin, you've got to do it to music. You can't not do this to music.

I can do it. I can fill it. Okay. Okay. Then I want you to go back and find the music and play it underneath it for me. I don't know. Okay. I'll try.

Okay. Okay. Middle East CSI Twin Towers Wifi, eBay, Dan Brown, Sarah Palin, Global Warming Mud, Donna Internet, Marijuana, Obama, Titanic, Harry Potter, Organics, Steroids, Animation Cell, Phones, Immigration, Facebook, Walmart, Google, Modern Art, E. Coli Bird Flu, Michael Jackson, New Year New, Hans Zimmer, Green Day, Guantanamo, Bae. Oh, God. Hold on.

Did you say Lewis Gossett? Did I hear E. Coli Bird poop in there? E. Coli Bird Flu. Bird flu. No, did they say Lewis Gossett? I don't think they said Lewis Gossett. Can you elucidate the last stands before me again? E. Coli Bird Flu, Michael Jackson, Who Knew, Hans Zimmer, Green Day, Guantanamo.

What? Okay. All right. Hold on. Who knew what? Who knew what? I guess that Michael Jackson was going to die. And if that is the case, then everybody.

Okay. My bigger problem with this is not about the flow of her lyrics, but more to we live in a world where this gets updated like the Encyclopedia, like at the end of a decade, it's like, well, we need to go back and add a couple of stanzas. By the end of time, we didn't start the fire. It's going to be eight hours long. Yeah, it's going to be an epic poem written by poet Laureate Billy Joel. I'm glad somebody's stepping up here because I don't want our school kids to be like,

and then in the year was 1990. And after that, there is no more history. I mean, Sarah touches on some good points here. I mean, definitely, definitely CSI and Twin Towers and Wi-Fi should all be sandwiched together like that. Pretty much. They're pretty much like the same level of stuff, right? Right.

Dan Brown definitely deserves to be remembered forever. And Hans Zimmer. Who knew? Wait, Hans Zimmer? Yeah, you know. And Harry Potter's in there? Harry Potter's in there. He's up in the mix.

I'm down with that. That's a revolution. That's great. Hans Zimmer? Like, what contribution of Hans Zimmer's are you honoring here? Like, did you feel is it? Oh, I know. Excuse me.

He did the motion picture soundtrack for Parts of the Caribbean on Stranger Times. So that makes perfect sense. He did that OST. So, of course, you're going to, yeah. I mean, what are we forgetting here? There's got to be some other important events. Like, Iraq, Afghanistan, something like that. Parts of the Caribbean on Stranger Times.

Iraq, Afghanistan, Parts of the Caribbean. How about Robert Downey Jr.'s return to the screen? That's pretty big deal. Robert Downey Jr.'s return to the screen. Like, I don't think so. Now, what about Gray's Anatomy and then the spin-off private practice? Here's what's, I'm looking through this and I think my problem isn't. My problem is what didn't make the cut.

So, like, oh, Dan Brown made it, but not Hurricane Katrina. Like, uh-huh. Yeah. So, Sarah Palin is up in the mix. Not 9-11, though. So. No. Well, she said Twin Towers in that sort of shorthand for 9-11.

Never forget Twin Towers. It could be, see, it could be referring to the second Lord of the Rings movie. It could not. No, it could not. Gray's Anatomy is made for you, Kung Fu Panda 1 and 2. There, I think that's a matter because it gets some, like, super important cultural stuff. I think that it would be better if it was all just not, like, what happened in the world, but, like, a personal recount of your 1990 to 2009.

So it's like, met a guy, we broke up, went to dinner, met some people, then I went to college, and it was pretty cool. And it was just, like, a personal telling of stuff that happened in your life. Can you explain to me the sort of sliding scale that puts going to dinner with some people and graduating college on the same import? Like. It was a good dinner. It wasn't, it wasn't a very good college.

It wasn't a very good verse. It was mostly a party school. I graduated still a fool, and I went and got on y'all who answers with this song. But not until not familiar. Right now, who answers user Rebecca Rose, who asks, what would you consider to be personality traits of an ideal stallion? Uh-huh, uh-huh, go on. No, I won't go on, because that's all that this question is.

Like, literal stallion. Yeah, like a, like a, like a horse, like a proud. Well, I think we can all agree, unbroken spirit. Unbroken spirit. Unbroken legs also is important. Less of a personality. I think discreet. Able to keep us secret.

What is the application of that? Why do we need a discreet? Well Griffin, if I knew the application, I wouldn't, I wouldn't tell you. I mean, I'm, I'm trying to be like a stallion here. It defeats the point of discretion if you just go up and your wiener picks everywhere. Hey, hey horse, why did you tweet this picture of my wiener? Hey horse, I didn't give you my phone. That was between us.

That was between us, horse. I came to you in confidence. What kind of smartphone or horse possibly operate? This question is ridiculous. So there's another good personality trait, dexterity. Dexterity, like, yeah, manual dexterity. Tail, a smooth tail, a proud tail. That's important in races.

And also not a racist. I don't like a horse. I want him to love all horses and humans equally. Open minded. Yeah. It's okay if they're biasing against fat people, because that's like a health issue. Oh yeah, it'll snap right in half. I think, I think you gotta, it's gotta have some wisdom in its eyes.

I think when you look deep in that horse's eyes, you've got to know that there's, there's, there's feelings stirring around in there, you know. And no bugs. I hate it when a horse has bugs in there and it won't even use its comically long tongue to lick them off or sweep the way with its mane, with a flourish of its proud long head. Have you mentioned five? I just love horses so much. I love horses too.

I love their thick trunks. And I think that I need a proud horse. I think I need a proud gelding. I want a, I want a horse that's going to be more like a best friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. And maybe we go on adventures together and like my cowboy hat falls off and he picks it up for me and nudges me forward and drives me on.

That's so great. I just, I want a horse I can hang out with in every possible definition of, of the term. Yeah. Just a horse who's fucking cool. I just want to up at like some of those other horses. Just want to hang out. I want a horse that if I joke like maybe today you can ride me, he'll laugh, but he won't take the joke too far.

Yeah. Very painful. They're very heavy. I've written a lot of pentos that will just like take the goof and run with it. And it's like, now it's weird pinto and I have to put you down. Not to destroy you. Because I know you're not discreet. I was trying to forgive that, but now I want a horse that knows that when I have to destroy

him, I have to do it. Sure. Like he's, he's, he feels bad for you because the position that he is putting you in with his broke ass legs, he knows it's going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt him. Yeah. I want, yeah. And I want him to make it easier on me by hurling some really hateful shit. Yeah.

Like hateful shit about my parents and loved ones. Oh, like, I bet you won't do it. You coward. You coward. Well, that's it. See, we are, we're putting the horse before the card. If we, you got to, you got to, you're supposed to put the horse before the card. Shut your fucking mouth.

You got to have, that's the kind of talk that'll get a horse shot. He has got to be able to talk. He has to possess. Yeah. Which is, which is rare, I think. Mayor. But worth, worth a couple extra bucks. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I'll drop an extra. Oh, that's a big, he has to be cheap. He has to not cost a lot of money. So we need a cheap talking horse that's able to use a smart phone. With a lot of my cowboy hat with tenderness. Just discretion for miles.

In fact, that should be his name. Discretion for miles. Discretion for miles. I want one that doesn't make you kill it to get the glue out of him. Uh-huh. Yeah. Just show me where your glue. Give him your glue, you stingy bastard.

He's got some glue. Just, you want to be able to lactate his glue gland. Exactly. For a quick patch job. I think that. I think it's your feet, your horse feet. Is it too much to ask for a winning smile? No.

A winning smile? I couldn't, I couldn't understand you. I would like my horse to enjoy eating apples. Can we make that happen? And oats. Yes. Don't mistake my finger for carrots. I'm just giving you this carrot.

Silly goof. An apologetic horse for when he does nibble your fingers. Rainbows behind him, leaves rainbows. We got a rainbow horse. I want a horse with a horn. Okay. Okay. That is a unicorn, but.

No, because it doesn't have to be on his head. It could also be a deer. Like a buck. A buck is basically a horse with a horn. What about a horse with like mini horns that makes it like a spiny exoskeleton? Ah, and maybe fire that she tied up his nose. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, yeah. Can I, and he can fly? Yeah. And also he's got a big saddle on it and you can ride on him. And he's got like a tank gun. Yeah, he's got a tank gun for a mouth. He's got like howitzer treads on his legs.

Fuck yeah. And he can fucking like fly through space and shit. Yeah. And he's, he can shoot, he can shoot blood. And so fucking discreet. Just discreet as shit. He will never tell anyone about any of this. I want to ride.

Oh, maybe he looks like a regular horse by day and then an awesome space tank. Spiny horse by night. Like a heatman. Transformer horse. Yes. Yes. Juk, juk, juk, juk, juk.

I'm a tank. Juk, juk, juk, juk, juk. I'm a horse. Come here, Shaya. Shaya, come here. Grab my mane. Feed me oats and shoot blood out of my face. I'm eight feet tall.

I'm a big robot horse. Does it look like a robot horse? Or does it look like a regular horse that transforms flawlessly? It is sort of a fleshy, manly. And sprays blood everywhere in the process. And it's killed. That's so important. Shaya, you're probably going to want to step back.

Shaya, you're a little bit further. Here's your Gallagher, your Gallagher poncho. Just tuck into that real quick. Transform from a horse into a horse tank. You may get soaked, you will get wet with horse blood. With horse blood. That horse is not going to survive the transformation process. I'm sorry.

I'll never tell anyone. You are rinding parts of that horse that you will not be able to reattach. No, no. Most times. Every time we talk about fucking horses on this show, we always talk about just mutilating them. How does that keep happening? Because there's something about destroying one of God's most beautiful creatures.

They are. We basically. So powerful and majestic. I just want to kill it. We've been going on this thing for about 15 minutes now, designing the perfect horse, and we reached a point where we reached perfect horse that like nobody's ever been able to conceive of before,

and then we ruined it. Well, yes. We as human beings often are jealous of the power and majesty of a horse, and then it's time to destroy it. We reached the index of horse in charge of horse possibilities. I think that the most important thing about a horse, the most important personnel is let's get back to personality for a second. I think the most important personality horse is that it not be too beautiful,

because then you want to destroy it. Like if you got like some Jared Leto looking motherfucking horse, you're going to take a ball peed hammer to its temple instantly. It's too beautiful. It's just like fight club. You just want to destroy something beautiful, you know? Yeah, it's like smash its face in. It's like a twin piece slash glass menagerie,

glass horse with a horn on it somewhere, and you just want to destroy it. I just want to slam two horses together. Find the God particle. Oh, shit. Live, live from the spot, rough and raw at our daddy's house. We're at our daddy's house. Let me check the date.

I just opened up the calendar. It's pasta party 2011. Welcome to our daddy's house. We're live from our daddy's couch. Let me check this. Let me check the spaghettometer, because it looks like we're going full blown pasta. Spaghett it on.

Spaghett again in 2011. As you well know, as you've probably guessed, we had we carboloaded pre-show here in Ironton, our stepmom Carol Fettus, a bunch of spaghetti. We're fucking primed for golf. What kind of spaghetti? What kind of spaghetti? That's our will.

She's looked down at us and said, you're not fucking funny enough. Eat some more spaghetti. She shoved spaghett, fistful after fistful of sweet spaghett into my mouth. I am ready to blow. Noodle up, you unfunny fucks. It's time to get spaghett.

You got spaghett. Okay. I'm a lesbian, and I... Okay. That was British. Okay. I'm a lesbian, and I recently... I do that every time.

Okay. I'm a lesbian, and I recently cut my hair, but now I'm having second thoughts. Before it was all the way down to my waist, and now it's more a men's style cut, although still long enough to show my lovely curls. I think it looks cute. It's very low maintenance,

and it seems to be net positive with the ladies. But I've noticed that strangers are rude to me. Should I stick it out and get used to being perceived differently by people, or grow my hair long and lovely again, so as to fly into the gaydar and avoid the occasional embarrassment mistake about my gender? Fan from the post-lesbian apocalypse. Is she asking us if she should be proud of her lesbianity,

her lesbianics? She... Well, she doesn't want... She wants to be a lesbian. She doesn't want to be mistaken for a dude. Okay. But... I guess that's...

I guess that's... I do have to tell you, though, this decision is largely out of your hands for the next month or so. So here's my advice. Try it for a month and see what you think. If you still don't like it, grow it long then. Here's...

There are worse things that you can be mistaken for than a dude. Do you know what I'm saying? Liam Gallagher. Liam Gallagher. No, but fucking Bieber. Bieber. You can look... You can get a Bieber...

A sweet Bieber bowl, and then you are in a lot of trouble. Unless your name is Justin, and your last name is Bieber. And your middle name is whatever Justin Bieber's name is. Saul. Saul. Justin.

Saul. Bieber. Justin. Shmoop. Bieber. No, we never saw that coming. Hey, no, you know what? It actually is Justin Osama Bieber.

Why do people don't know that? Usain Bieber. Justin Hannah Montana Bieber. You know what? If you like Justin Hannah Montana, if you like it, if you like your haircut, it's yours.

It's your haircut. Own it. Yeah, fuck people. Well, if they... Listen, if they're gonna think you're a dude, they're obviously somebody you don't know very well. That's a pretty good litmus test, as to whether or not they're useless.

Hey, are you a dude? No. Like, fuck you. Get out of here. I don't... Like, I obviously don't want to show it to you. Look at my shapeliness. Look at my shapely curvaciousness.

Look at this womb-bastic body. Excuse me? Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot and slightly and draw to this like me? Is my favorite... Pussycat doll, son. There are so many, though. It's hard to...

Yeah, there are so many. Buttons is good, too. Buttons is good. Cushing up my buttons? I like that. Mr. Boombastic is... Mr. Boombastic. Mr. Boombastic.

Oh, holy... Oh, holy... Don't make me sad. That's another one. Dole of the Fates. Pussycat dolls are the most flexible artists of our time. Feeding from nightcore. They are unstoppable.

The Declaration of Independence. Yeah, that hit song. Declaration of Independence. What? Now you're seeing documents. The Rosetta Stone. The Spinks. The Empire State Film.

What are we doing? We are fucked up our pasta. Oh, my God. Shit. Oh, my God. Holy shit. Jesus. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. The floor. Oh, God. You just call me a self-spaghetti. I am feeling this pasta vibe. How about one final y'all? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, this one was sent in by Golly A. Olly.

Thank you, Golly A. Olly. It's by Y'all, and it's his user. Oh, no. The picture itself is pretty wonderful. The real Marty Janetti. Except no substance. You guys, are you guys soaking in that image? Oh, man.

Got a tiny thumbnail? That's a wrestler he's holding a belt. Usually, if I don't know a celebrity, they're a wrestler. The Real Something Something asks, How can I convince my girlfriend to dress up like Violet Beauregard from Willy Wonka? I am in love with two ladies. Okay. My sweet little blueberry, a.k.a. my G-friend,

and Violet Beauregard from Willy Wonka. I think it's so sexy when Violet inflates into a sphere and would love to see my lady do the same. How can I convince her that this would be both fun and sexy? She doesn't realize it yet, but her nickname comes from my number one screen crush. I bought the costume last week, and I'm fighting up the courage to ask her.

Please, any suggestions? P.S. Not like in the new crappy Johnny Depp Charlie. That CGI looked horrible. Only Mel Stewart's version. I can't. Oh, God. I can't finish unless it's the Mel Stewart's version. You look right now, Rishonda.

You look beautiful, but you look like that shitty, that shitty Johnny Depp version of Charlie and Charlie Franklin. Honey, I got you this outfit and this bicycle pump. Let's go to town. Yeah, we are going to give you some artificial juice filled dumps. Ever hear that thing where it's like, if you press this button, you'll get a million dollars, but someone in the world will die.

Yeah. Do you press a button? If I can guarantee it's this guy, I'm just going to start hammering on it. Oh, man. How stealth do you have to be about your number one screen crush? That you have given this girl a nickname, which is my little blueberry,

and she doesn't know what it's referring to. You have to watch this movie on the reg, right? And you can tell he's got a half motor when she walks in the room. She swells, he swells, baby. That's how he do. That's gross. That is so unpleasant that you would like that so much. If you're going to get,

if you're going to jerk it to anything in that movie, why not a goose's scoop getting sucked up in that chocolate, that chocolate tube? I feel like we've just found a really great psychological test. It's like, if you had to jerk it to one scene in Willy Wonka, and your answer means something. How about if you jerk to any second about that movie, which is primarily about murdering kids?

Boy, there is, you know what, as angry as I was about this guy, there is a much more unpleasant gentleman whose fetish is a little boy stuck in a chocolate tube. Yeah. There's death. You don't have to lay it out. The parts of your brain,

of fear and arousal are right next to each other is anything scarier than that, the look on that fucking kid's face when he's surrounded by plastic, and tiny orange men, and sweet chocolate. It's like, it's heaven and hell, baby. He knows death is around the corner. What about the girl that gets thrown in an incinerator?

Yeah. That movie is terrifying. Why am I so erect then? Why am I, oh, that was a bad- There's no earthly way of knowing why I have this huge boner. That was a bad anecdote. No, no, no.

There is no earthly way of knowing why my boner is still growing. But the bulge is surely showing. Is it shrinking? Is it blowing? And the semen now is flowing. What? I had a lot of fun here today, Trav.

Goose and goose and goose. Goose and goose. But I think we also learned something. I know I did. I learned that I miss Griffin, and I hope he's back from Japan soon. I miss Griffin, too. Got some reminder here for you.

mbmbamcandlenights.brownpapertickets.com is where you can go to go buy your tickets for My Brother, My Brother, My Brother, Me, Home for the Kim, Night's Holiday Spectacular, featuring Sawbones, 7 p.m., December 21st, at Huntington City Hall. How do you say Hall? It has a beautiful theater in it.

It's replete with history. We are going to be able to hang out all weekend and chill with you and have fun, and it's going to be great. It also is really going to be like a spot like a homecoming for us, because we all three grew up doing theater in that auditorium, in that theater.

So it's going to be literally like our home turf. We have the most experience being on that stage. It's going to be a really great show, and we will not want to miss it. I think it's going to be a lot of fun, so make sure you get tickets. They're 15 bucks. You know, buy them for an early Christmas gift.

What a surprise. Thank you so much for this. Speaking of Christmas gifts. Yep. We also launched all that new merch we've been talking about. Finally. It's up on maxfunstore.com.

And we have, so we've had a poster that's only been available at live shows. That poster is still only available at live shows, but you can get the red version on the store. We have our sticker packages, our button packets, the coolest patch you'll ever see

in your entire life, guaranteed. Our pack your bags and move away tote bag. We've got two prints up that are the MBMB AM 2013 and the MBMB AM 2012 year in review. And of course our t-shirts are up there. The P1M's nasty gum and our question mark t-shirt. And the quicker this stuff sells out,

the faster it moves, the more likely it is that we'll keep putting more and more new stuff up there. So get it for yourself. Get it for a loved one. Buy it now before it sells out because it's been going fast. Everyone's been talking about it on Twitter.

And I guarantee we're going to sell out of this stuff. It's all at maxfunstore.com. Go get it. While you're on the internet, go to YouTube. Go to YouTube.com slash MBMB AM and you are going to find a bevy of hit clips to enjoy. We broke 4,000 subscribers, which is great.

And we really appreciate it. And the more subscribers we get, the more stuff we'll do. If we hit 10,000 subscribers, I get to use the YouTube studios to do whatever I want and probably just fill myself eating sandwiches. And who doesn't want to see that? It's a sight to see.

It's like a freak show. And I'm going to... You won't believe how many toppings the geek puts on his sandwich. He eats it all in one bite. And I'm going to keep putting up new videos. I'm going to try to do like two or three a week. If you haven't gone,

go check out the amazing animated videos that Tyler Crowley did for us. There's a new one of Pizza Clone that is just incredible. It's like MBMB AM 2.0. You're going to absolutely dig it. So go check those out. Tell your friends, share those videos all over the place. It's why we're making them.

So people will listen to them who don't normally listen to the show. So make sure you share that. And while you're at it, just share the show. Tell a friend. We haven't brought that up in a while, but the best advertisement we have is you. So if you're in a car with someone

who's never listened to the show before, maybe pop it on. Maybe send someone a link. Maybe make them watch a clip of the show, something. And let's get the word out there. We're on Twitter at MBMB AM. We're on the Maximum Fun Network. There are a ton of other shows.

They're throwing shade. Stop podcasting yourself. Judge John Hodgman, Jordan Jessica, Bullseye, The Goose Down, Lady the Lady, One Bad Mother, Destination DIY, Baby Geniuses. I could go to the FOP house. I could go on forever. I would like to spotlight Baby Geniuses because I am now their producer

and I am working on putting up their episode, which should be up a couple hours after this one. And you should go check it out. It is a really good episode, you guys. And then go listen back to all their other episodes if you haven't already. Who's the guest? Who's the guest?

Let's see. Emily Gordon is one of them from the Inside Kids. Is that right? Indoor Kids. From the Indoor Kids. The Inside Kids. No, that's a joke from Kurt Bronholler. Oh, what is this globe in the sky?

Kurt Bronholler called them the Inside Children and now I can't get that out of my head. But go check out the show. You're going to love it. Just go ahead and subscribe and download all the episodes when they come out. They're one of the new shows we added to our lineup for Max Fun Week along with Flop House and Destination DIY.

And trust me, all three are incredible. Do not miss out. So that's going to do it for... Oh, we also want to say thanks to John Rondrick of the Long Winters for allowing us to use the theme song It's a Departure off of the album Putting the Days to Bed. Go buy it if you haven't already. I assume everyone's listened to it

and everyone's bought it eight times already. But if you haven't, go buy it. Maybe buy it on vinyl if it's available and give it to someone for Christmas, for candle nights. It makes a beautiful, beautiful... What's the other one? What's the one that he and Jonathan Colton did for Christmas? Oh, crap.

The title escapes me. Okay, well, go check out... One Christmas at a time? Yes. I think? Yes. Go check out John Rondrick and Jonathan Colton's Christmas album.

It's going to make your candle nights. Maybe you haven't had any friends or family ever or maybe your friends and family don't love each other. Well, here's the thing. You put on this candle nights album, it's going to fix all that. Okay, now that is actually going to do it for us. Remember to go get your tickets. We have sold out every show we've ever done,

usually in less than an hour. We have a lot more tickets than that for this show and it is not in a large city. So we think that you will have a better shot, but... But don't wait. Don't wait. Don't sleep on it. 15 bucks gets you in and the web address again

is mbmbamcandlenights at brownpipertickets.com. If you've got questions, just ask us. And that's going to do it for us. Thank you so much for joining us. We don't have a last yahoo this week. So Travis, switch to like, how do we end? I'll make a big fart sound. Okay, cool.

You got to say, oh yeah, I go ahead and do that now. Pretty funny. That's solid. Huh? You're not going to get goofed like that on any other network. You're still talking. That was supposed to be the end. Oh, sorry.

Try to go. You got to say an end. I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad's square on the lips. Maximumfun.org.

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