My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 226: A Delicious Twistery

Episode Date: November 18, 2014

This week's episode is brought to you by Nyquil. Also, Dayquil. The whole 'quil family of products, really. Sorry we're late! Suggested talking points: Cake Watch, Things on Your Things, Principal Ghosts, The Wear-Down, Forever Pee, Break-Up Rules, Dollargrabbers

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, and me, and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your babyist baby, baby Griffin McElroy. Ladies and gentlemen, we're here with a breaking, not really breaking, breaking update from the CBN News Desk, and that is the Cake Boss News

News Desk. A hot story from the great state of New Jersey. New Jersey just still trying to get all of the all the particulars in order. Here's what we do know right now. Well, Cake Boss was arrested on DWI charges in Manhattan, driving, swerving around near Hudson Yards. DWI, of course, standing for Driving While I'm the Cake Boss. Right? Just so you know, prosecutors say that when arrested, the Cake Boss said, and this is not a goof, this is not us generating the story. Travis, do you know this? Do you know what he said? You can't arrest me. I'm the Cake Boss. You can't arrest me. I'm the Cake Boss. Which would have been great if all the police officers had all gone, oh,

shit, you're right. Oh, I forgot about that. He's got diplomatic. He's got diplomatic immunity, guys. He mastered Cake. We forgot about Roe v. Betty Crocker. Yeah. His life has officially become the first act of a Nicholas Cage movie. Like Weatherman, Family Man, Cake Man. That is the third of his man trilogy. Now, to be fair, it actually is a case without precedent because he was driving a car that was actually a cake that he baked. Yeah. So it's not like how do you get a Corvette cake up to like 80? I think that's impressive enough. He stepped out of the cake car, fucking sloshed, fucking slaughtered. It's a rum cake car. And then the police officers were like, listen, Cake Boss, I hate to do this. You're a national treasure, but I have to take you to the

pokey. And then he ate the car in one bite and said, proof I was driving. What car? What car? Look behind you, a fat kid just ate it. I think when Cake Boss is though, I mean, we all laugh, but if Cake Boss is in a car made of cake, he technically has diplomatic immunity in a cake that he has constructed. So his Cake Boss Bonafides hold up because he is inside a cake. He is in fact the boss. Bon appetites. His Bon appetites. Hold up, because he's inside a cake. Do you think when he got out of the car, the cops were really afraid that he would touch them and they would turn into cakes? That's the only reason that he can turn out cakes at such a high speed and volume. The cakes have been people the whole time. You listen to me pigs, don't make me take off the gloves.

Don't make me take off the gloves that protect my magic cake hands. Why isn't it working? Why isn't it working? God, I'm drunk. Oh, Cake Boss, Cake Boss. Maybe it should be practice. It should be like, because I think we're assuming a lot. When you read on paper and you know what, they used exclamation points in the quote, which is like a journalistic no-no because it's a leading punctuation, right? Because the way that it's written now, you read it and you think it's like, you can't arrest me. I'm the Cake Boss. Angry like that. But what if it was like kind of sweet, like, come on guys. Come on guys, you can't arrest me. I'm the Cake Boss.

Or what if the like, just the punctuation was all wrong and he said, you can't. Oh god, arrest me. Put me in jail for pastry fries. Stop me before I bake again. Oh god. So this is an advice ship where we try to help Cake Boss navigate the choppy waters of his life. But let's get to actually helping people because I got to, I want to get my help on today. What is the proper etiquette when showering in someone else's home? Are soap slash shampoo slash other shower up for grabs? Is there some sort of unspoken line like shower gel is okay to borrow but someone's bar soap is gross? Or is using anything in someone else's shower unacceptable? And I'm basically a social pariah for even having to ask this question

that's from befuddled in Baltimore. I was thinking that we had answered this question before and we may have. Time is a fucking flat circle and we've been doing this for like 800 years. But I think I was actually thinking of like episode two, which was 223 episodes ago, where we talked about peeing in the shower at somebody else's house. And I'm almost certain that we probably whanged that one. And time and maturity would allow us to come up with a much better answer. So I guess this is new territory and I'd say, yeah, go for it. I think the line is what touches the body. So like, oh yeah. Liquid soap, yes. Lufa, no. Here's the thing. I want to go with you. I want to say yes,

Justin. I want to agree. But I know that I've used other people's lufas before. Oh my God. I said it. You haven't used it. Well, because not my lufa. Certainly not mine. You're applying water and soap to it. Like you're inherently washing it as you wash yourself. Unless you have just gotten back from like working in a slaughterhouse, what horrible things are you scraping off your body? Ball, ball, ball, ball, essence, slivers of balls. Well, then otherwise you're just going to use their fancy products and put them in

like the palm of your hand and scrub yourself like a Neanderthal. Yeah. Yes. That's how I've been bathing myself. I can't even have a lufa in my home anymore, because sometimes you're at my house and God knows you might just slip up there. Slip up there and treat yourself to a little scrubby scrub. Well, I bathed several times a day. That's true. I think that staying at someone's house and using their shower products, let's take lufas out of the equation is like staying at a hotel and using it. Like because then where else do you draw the look? Because if you say no,

then do you just get in and use water and pretend like that's it? No. You like, yeah. Okay. First off, maybe you have some special soap that you like. That's that's that's going to be the problem is if you get this, I was looking, I got that in my birch box yesterday. I was really looking forward to using that plush tea tree oil shampoo. And now it's all gone. Now it's gone. Gonzo. You drank it? God damn it. You can't damn it, Kate Posse. You have a problem. Get out of my house. Why did I ever let you in here? No, I mean, but this is the, this is the thing, right? With everything like this, there's always a double standard. There is what we, the

uh, uh, hosts of a comedy advice podcast will tell you, I mean, there's what you're going to do when no one's looking, which is always going to be different. But we all have our little secrets that we do in the secret behind the curtain. Is it come behind the curtain? Is it too much for us to ask that everybody who listens to this show live their lives through the lens of imagining that we are constantly watching them wherever they are, wherever they are, no matter what they're doing. Our eyes are on you. And it's like a judgment thing. It's not like a sexy thing. Okay. It can be. If that's, it won't be for us. It's imaginary in your brain. If you want it to be a sexy thing, go ahead. It's your play space. Oh, I just had an idea.

This could be what all of those hotel baths and so, you know, the soaps and stuff that you steal are for, like make a little basket, keep it in your linen closet. And then when you have guests stay with you, like you set it out, like you set out their towels and the washcloths and stuff. What, what is the, but I just don't have any, I don't have any problem with somebody using my shampoo. Like use my shampoo and conditioner. Treat yourself. Don't rub things on your things that go on my things. I want no thing to think. You should cross stitch that over your toilet. Yeah. Keep your things off my things. Keep your things off my things. Ebola is real. Here's another factor that we're not considering is that my, my labs shower products have a very

distinctive smell. And if Travis walks out of the, the master bathroom with the, at the Griffin and Rachel McRoy estate, smelling like my life, I'm going to be fucking furious with you. Are you afraid that you'll just like Pavlovian response become aroused? You'll be attracted to me in a weird way and you won't be able to put your finger on it. I'll be able to put my finger directly on it. Can we go one fucking week on the show without one of us trying to ramp up the sexual tension? Will they? I refuse to let this become a Ross and Ross and Rachel show. Listen, this is not happening. It's, it's, it's our Tumblr slash fiction game is falling off. They're just, are not enough fans shipping us and it's a problem

and our stock is slipping. That's what people want. Maybe in our webisodes, our webisodes that you can get with our companion app that don't exist. Don't, don't tell people that it doesn't exist. Do you guys know who we got who? Absolutely. I'm cleaning my glasses real quick. Dramatically? Hold on. I couldn't see the screen because my glasses were dirty. Okay. You guys ready for Yahoo? Yeah. Go for it, dirty boy. This Yahoo was sent in by Sarah Benson. Thank you, Sarah. It's by Yahoo Answers user Nathan who asks, What should you do when you see your principal buy beer? What should you do when you see your principal buy beer? And I hit that hard P there, that

close of P because they spelled the goddamn word wrong. That's how you know that it's, by the way, a legit Yahoo Answers and off some fakey fake jokie joke bullshit is if they spell a word wrong, usually it's a 12 year old. This Nathan, by the way, has been a member since October 31st, 2014. So something tells me Nathan was maybe at the Speedway on Halloween and saw his principal getting ready to get fucking wrecked. Okay. I think about this and at first I want to jump to like, Oh, you stupid. But then I think about what if I was 12 and I saw my principal in the wild like buying beer? Like I would have thought that was scandalous. I never said I would have thought he might as well like be buying crystal math. Here's a weird thought exercise for everybody.

Think about all the times that you've seen teachers in the wild. We've all done that. We've all I feel like we talked about that on the show that none of them ever remember us, which is devastating. Nobody ever sees a principal in the wild. It just doesn't happen. They are the fucking scariest human beings on earth when you're 12 years old and they don't exist outside of the school. They're fucking holograms projected by the ghost heart of the school. That was always the weird thing about the principal. Like when I was in school, they seem to be in another like, I didn't get sent to the principal's office, right? I was a good kid. But there did seem to be kids that got sent to the principal's office a lot that seem to have developed like whenever I'd walk by and

see them in there, there seemed to be some sort of camaraderie in there. Yeah, like a principal. Yeah. For like the repeat offenders, they seem to like hang out a lot and that they had developed some sort of affinity for them. I was always a little jealous, but I wasn't going to like live the life that demanded me in the principal's office. Do you think that after a while it becomes like yours in the principal's secret tea time and it's like see you back again tomorrow at about 11? Yep. I know you hate math, Jim. I'll see you down here. As sort of earth shattering as it might have been to see my principal buying beer when I was a kid, I think I would run an equal risk of having my perception shipped to them now as an adult seeing what beer they buy. That is very, that is like

if I'm walking in and like this person who has been sort of an authority figure, almost a messianic figure in my life and I see them with like a case of beast, like I can't, I can't with this. Is Mr. Lake buying a cube of Mike's hard lemonade? Is that a cube of limeritas? I heard that for like a party and not just for him, certainly he's not just buying like 24 for himself. Tell me you're fucking buying ironic cranburitas because I cannot, I cannot see you as an authority figure. Where does he have just a bag of buzz balls? Where did he, where did Mrs. Scott even find for loco? Is that five loco? Is that five loco and illegal and even more illegal version of for a loco that they only sell to principals? If I don't go to sleep, Monday can't come.

Oh shit, just that should be the fucking slogan of sparks and for a loco. If you don't go to sleep, Monday can't come. I would say you, you maybe do a little bit of extortion here and you walk up and you say hey Mrs. Scott, those five locos look tall and delicious and you're gonna have a really great time with them but I am gonna put you on blast come Monday unless maybe you sign me and Bryce here a couple cans and then you and Bryce go and you squirrel them away in in his loft and then it's your secret treasure forever. You gotta go, you gotta go house of cards, you gotta take the picture with your camera first and then say oh it would be such a shame if this got snapchatted and if it got snapchatted you would have no idea of how to access it or find it or anything because

snapchat is the secret. And then you go eat some ribs. I haven't seen very much of the show. And then you go to the poker tournament. It's because of cards. It's weird to me. I'm sitting here thinking like there's so many like stereotypes and thoughts that we all have about teachers. Yeah. I don't really have those about anything about principals and principals are just like super teachers. They're teachers who fucking evolved because I wanted to say like isn't it isn't it like the principal's right and duty to have a beer because he's got to deal with kids all day long and then I was like wait hold on who's to say that they do maybe they're sitting there going I hope someone gets in trouble today. New segment on the show principal watch. If you

are a principal listen to the show or you're in close contact with the principal outside of a school setting give us the dart. We want to know all your principal stories principal watch. Is it is it. I feel like every school I went to the standard was that the principal was like this totally hands off leader that nobody ever saw except at like pep rallies but the vice principal was a fucking badass that would like wreck you if you stepped out of line like that was the person that you really had to be afraid of. Man I would go I would go power mad. Yeah. I would I would you know I always judged you know you judge the vice principal it's very easy to judge the vice principal when you're young like oh that guy's such a creep I would be the absolute

worst. How how can we never hear more about vice principals conspiring to kill the principal to be just why don't we hear more about that. The answer is that of course they are a ghost that is projected by the ghost heart of the school. Everyone knows this this is common. How about another question. There's a guy at work who I get the feeling is into me. However I'm not keen on dating a coworker and I've told him this he's smart he's funny he's charming and we match really well. He would be perfect for me except for the work thing and I'm not super attracted to him. Well then so just those two things like let me just as one I am starting to like him more as we become friends. My girlfriend warned this is the by the way your grandkids are going to love this

meet cute. Wow what a what a fucking sweeping romance this is. My girlfriend warned me he may be doing the wear down method. The passive aggressive maybe she'll see me as something more one day method. Is that real. I kind of think it's starting to work. What should I do brothers. That's from can't decide and can I cannot believe you've done this. I can't believe you've done this. I can't believe we're 226. I was like to convince people not to do this thing you're talking about and now you're reinforcing this thing doing it. It's the thing of course it's a thing and well is it is it a thing though. It's the ducky. I call it the ducky. I can't think of the method as anything other than the ducky. Is this good enough. That's what ducky sounds like in my mind.

I haven't seen the movie. I it's just like it's is it a thing. I don't I think I'm uncomfortable with the term wear down because that that intimates that there's like I don't know that you have this thick thick lustrous chitin that that this person is eroding by just like being being nice I guess. Here Griffin let me put it in this context. If you are just friends with the person and by you I mean the person that would do the wear down quote unquote. If you were just friends with no ulterior motive and then one day it's like both of you kind of realize you have feelings for each other then you're just getting to know each other and you grow closer together. If you have feelings for the person from the beginning and they tell you that you're not

interested and you put all your effort and set your sights on to convincing them to like you that's called wearing down like there's no other word for it in my mind than like I'm going to wear them down but it doesn't I mean there's nothing in this question though that makes it sound like they're except for the fact that the the friend thinks that he's wearing them down but based on what this question asker has said she she gets the feeling that he's into her and he she told him that he's not she's oh Christ she doesn't want to date a co-worker right but it doesn't she didn't say like and then like he keeps buying me chocolate it's not the weird factor in here is like if you're not super attracted to him when you say you're just

like starting to like him more do you mean like as a person like he's fun to be around and you enjoy his friendship because unless like you become more and more attracted to him along with liking him more then that just means you're becoming friends with someone I think I think the idea of the wear down method is gross so we've talked about that before of like approaching friendship with the ultimate ulterior motive of I'm I'm trying to hit that please please may I hit it that sucks right that's rough but don't like don't let yourself be so skeptical of a person's like friendliness that you just like immediately assume like oh you're trying to hit this please do you know do you know how you know how you know it's in his jokes it's in his jokes stop it it's

not it is because because if like he's occasionally dropping something like well I guess we look pretty cute together today huh oh matching sweaters like that kind of thing and it's like oh okay he's like testing the waters with those jokes to see how you respond to them yeah that's I think like the greatest like clue that someone is trying to do the quote unquote wear down like this is a challenge because I act like I'm into everybody yeah man and woman that's just me you know animal like I'm like I'm everybody mineral vegetable plasma flirt machine I'll flirt with anything I don't care doesn't flirt with the sun yesterday I flirted with the sun like a grace he flirted with failure we're all flirting with failure here I guess I think that should be the name of the show

it sounds like she's overthinking this maybe he or she I guess I should say because it's not it's not quantified here um it sounds like maybe overthinking it like maybe just kind of like go with it go with the flow and see see how you feel but like I don't know just do what you're just be just do what you're comfortable with do you just and if it becomes clear that he is still interested in you whether he's wearing you down or not that's not important if it becomes clear that he's still interested in you and you are not interested in him or interested in dating a co-worker then maybe you just need to stop spending so much time with him or I mean you've already said it to him that you're not interested in dating a co-worker so if he doesn't listen to that then you just need to stop

spending time with him if you don't want to spend time with him anymore like you're under no obligation to become closer with this dude it's weird because there's just actually two kind of issues that are being dealt with here on the one hand it's the this idea of the the wear down uh but on the other it's it's this the idea of not dating a co-worker so I mean I I don't know if you're if your resolve is slipping there like if that's the sort of the issue or it's just your feelings in general for him because I think that your rule about not dating a co-worker is like the best it's very that's a rule that can be very sexy very can't be I do think however that that rule falls into the same kind of category for me is when people say like I'm just want to focus on

schoolwork or I'm just not looking for a relationship right now like it's a really good rule to have until you like meet that person who just blows your way and you like fuck it what if it's love what if it's love that's what I'm saying how about a yahoo okay this yahoo was sent in by Rachel Spurling who has been killing it lately game recognize game Rachel Spurling yahoo answers user mobile uh member since member since that's the driver from diehard uh member since November 13th 2014 the yahoo answer service is fucking expanding is blowing up new users mobile asks what happens if I drink water without interruption would my pee keep going could I pee like this forever could I pee like could I is it possible that I could pee like this dream come true

I don't want to close my eyes I don't want to stop this pee oh man could you just turn yourself into a beautiful Greco-Roman fountain we learned from awesome powers the spy who shagged me that if you drink some water you can immediately start peeing again what he does that in a scene because he unplugged the fountain and then he's worried the guard will notice that the fountain's on on anymore so he's talking yeah and he's eating some asparagus in there and then that's how he gets cocked because the the guard can smell the asparagus and his pee that he just ate peed out two questions why did they stop making these yeah fuck me god damn comedy gold and we just we just decided to leave that gold buried and I want to clarify uh correction it was in gold

number okay that's why I don't remember because I'm losing that poopy garbage um could I pee like this forever could I pee like this forever all right now let's let's actually look at let's think about it we know that we know that if you drink water later you will pee comes out of you right I think the problem and and I do I mean so that system is working I think the problem would be that the lead on the pee that you would need would be so I don't think you'd be able to drink enough before the pee started to keep it going permanently it right but I think that in this fiction that mobile has created he's saying or she's saying what if it was just like a I could keep drinking like quantity capacity was not an issue scientifically how much you

displace right pints pints per minute pee your pee you gotta look at your ppm and then you measure that and then you just displace that by drinking the the same amount of water and and you you're not going to be chugging you know the pee doesn't fall out of you that quickly um so I think as long as you displace it like that and you keep it going you keep it float and keep it just keep the stream rolling big wheel keep on turning then you're going to be able to turn yourself into a beautiful fountain like in that hilarious gold member movie but then the question is like how much water turns into how much pee like are you taking one to one one to one you add some yellow in there somewhere in your body probably in the gallbladder and then then then it's ready to go

ready to ship that product out could this work yes for another oh justin did you become a dirt machine justin a dirt machine you shouldn't have you're eating food you eat the taco pizza justin okay i'm a noodle dirt machine you i feel like i'm most equipped to make this experiment happen um with your baby what is that supposed to be with your baby because baby your baby as a baby the pipes there are so short short pipes words that's probably like a that's probably like a 15 minute exchange all all told i think i what i think what you're describing leads to a pretty chilly reception from the jury on my part i think i think what you're describing is a fairly is a fairly cold shoulder from a jury of my peers and in conclusion science science in conclusion i was

trying to discover science i'll take myself to jail now thank me i asked i will go to jail now i asked myself can i but i never asked myself should i but if i had the answer still would have been yes because it was pretty great so now i'm slapping up on the lunchbox and i'm selling it uh money's up i am starving we're recording this on a rare saturday morning and uh my hunger is off the charts right now do you do you guys have any big like saturday plans that that maybe you'll be snacking during uh we got that i gotta watch marshal beat rice go herd go herd i've got a herd on i've got a herd on two travis i've all got her i have thundering herd erectile dysfunction i have a semi herd on have you guys ever noticed that sounds like hard on oh my god

guys tell me about nature box nature boxes uh is going to give you some free snacks how does that sound sounds here's the thing there's they're delicious wholesome snacks uh available at naturebox.com it's like a subscription service you tell them which of their snacks that you want to try and they will send you a box of them uh in the mail every month now but before you like commit to that because that's a lot that's a lot to commit to they're going to send you a free trial sampler uh to enjoy all on your own can you imagine i can because i people are tweeting at us all the time with pictures of the free i can because i'm eating nature box right now yeah what do you what what are you nausein i've got some plantain chips which i thought would be sweet and are

actually savory and super good yeah plantains are just a palette for spices to be painted uh i want to talk about clusters this week oh that's what i'm into this week like scientific c black sesame seed clusters mm there's a limited edition through december so you don't want to miss out on that blueberry almond bites which i love uh cashew power clusters that's what the transformers were fighting over if i remember correctly we have to retrieve those cashew power clusters um if you want to get your if you want to get your free box and start dipping in go to naturebox.com slash my brother and and you're gonna it's not it won't cost you money it's a free trial box and you're not going to get artificial flavors or colors or sweeteners there's no trans

fats or high fructose corn syrup you're just gonna get fed and full and happy from nature from nature for once go to naturebox.com slash my brother and get a free trial box of delicious snacks isn't it time that nature gave something back to you now say i love my trial box and i decide immediately that i want to purchase $35,000 worth of nature box snacks mm-hmm you would be making a wise investment i am i am a hoarder the doomsday is just around the corner the polar vortex is killing us all it's already started read the newspapers by which i mean the underground newspapers the only ones that are really telling the truth about this goddamn polar vortex that seems oh it's such an oddity we never get these polar vortexes is that because

it feels like we get them about every six months now so just read the literature you have what were we fucking point doing thirty five dollars thirty five thousand dollars worth of snacks from nature box so face it oh i need i need thirty five thousand dollars that's right so maybe you need thirty five thousand dollars to hoard or maybe you need thirty five thousand dollars to fix your home or maybe you need some money to go back to school or maybe you need to get car repairs that you can't afford or dental work or medical bills well there's a peer-to-peer lending service called prosper.com that you should check out and basically how it works is instead of going to a bank and dealing with all of the bank interactions and work that bank smell about you that that old bank

smell it smells like money and greed it smells like pin chains smells like wet change instead use go to prosper.com and you put in what you need the loan for and how much you need and then other users of the site decide if they want to invest in your loan or not so that way rather than one location giving you all of that money it's several different people it's many many people all contributing into your loan and then you're paying them back so it cuts out the middle man i mean that's what banks do anyways if you put money into a bank that that money is what goes into other people's loans so why not cut out the middle man maybe save a little money yeah you're you know it's basically like the end of it's a wonderful life just you don't have to be a good person yeah

you could actually be it's it's it's the end of it's a wonderful life but even the bad guy from it's a wonderful life can get it because nobody knows what kind of person you are on the internet bad if you're on the internet you're a bad person if you want to go check your rate and see if you would qualify for a low rate you can do so instantly without affecting your good credit if you just go to prosper.com slash my brother and check your rate and also right now listeners of this show if you get a loan through prosper.com you'll automatically get a free $50 visa gift card that you can use in any way you want to so on top of the loan you're getting you're also just getting $50 that you'll never have to pay it back that's just free money and in america that free

money is is better than i don't know seeing your principal buy beer and so you can buy your principal two cubes of beast with that kind of scratch at least if you find it on sale like a black friday beast sale which i assume happens cool cool day after thanksgiving plans other restrictions apply ccite for program visa prepaid card details all personal loans are made by web bank utah chartered industrial bank member fdic equal opportunity lender booyah i got a message for blare and it's from get this a lice i guess it's like a lice bug griffin did you like that joke griff god i'm the dad on the show i wish we could just get a fucking focus group to do one of our episodes for us live and just tell us what jokes are amazing and which jokes are just pretty good

like that one dear blary you deserve to hear how awesome you are from as many people as possible so why not three count them three macaroys i am always impressed by your strength of character and your devotion to the people and things that you love you're a total badass and should never ever doubt it i love you big sister don't ever stop being a beautiful oak hold the god damn shit that's like the nicest one we have a twilight twilight zoned yeah you really flipped it on us there at the end i gotta say alice this is a very sweet message that you've given to your big sister blare but it's gonna fall on deaf ears which is to say no ears because she's a tree tree shamelon unless she's like an int oh my god what if she's a proto int and you play the message for her and

a little bit of sap comes out of where her eye holes would be chelsea handler vehicle my sister the int only lasted three episodes and i think that is a crying shame she deserved better um carla got a message for you coming from dan what are the oh what does uh dan have to say trev dance as the past three years have been the best of my life even during the parts with all the problems you made me want to be a better me and gave me a whole new appreciation for finding nemo i love you and i look forward to many years of mutual love and one true football to many years of mutual love of the one true football i made it better i don't think you did i think you broke it with my with my accidental words um these are like both really nice it is but again i'm so now on

accustomed i'm so much more used to hit me up on my mobile yeah which is fine which is great it's fine um but again this one has like a twist mystery at the end of twistery doesn't it they're at the end because it's dan a football it's dan a football i don't think do they have a pet football maybe the two of them together love a football maybe they're both footballs in which case how who sent this message in it's a twist it's a twistery really if you think about it aren't we all footballs ooh wait let me check wait i don't have arms and legs i'm all leathery and laced up it's a twistery what if god was a football delicious delicious twistery we can only see out our eyes we can't look down at our hands so we could have been footballs oh but brucellus is the only

non football oh my god and if you really look back over the movie the clues were all there is this because all because all the characters were footballs hailey joe osman he just kept kicking them hailey joe osman actually kind of looks like a football now i don't know if you see come on he said i love it's a good look i think a football is the most handsome of all the balls he's like a living hay arnold this is amazing hey i meant like vertically oriented i'm never going to get him on the show now damn it hey feeling lonely my name is jesse thorn my name's jordan morris do you want to listen to a program where two good friends get intimate with amazing guests like maria bamford rob cordry and other comedy superstars jordan jesse goh

here for you every week we'll spill our guts for you and then make some jokes jordan jesse goh free at maximumfun.org my boyfriend and i have been together for 25 years and live 2.5 years holy shit my boy travis read it i'm done i'm at the game my boyfriend and i have been together for 2.5 years and living together for the last year lately i feel like we have grown apart what is the least shitty way to break up with someone oh my god it's and that's from it's not me it's utah that's a cool choice for our comedy show pretty scratch great saturday morning cartoon here for us listen it's it's a topic we haven't covered and i feel like there's a lot of help to give you you know you know what you know what the least shitty way is the least shitty way for the other

person not for you because that's what's fucked up is it's it's it is an inverse relationship the more shitty it is for you the less shitty it is for them and so if you want to actually do this and you want to do it right it's gonna be fucking miserable for you you have to fake your own death no that's no that's the least shitty way for you that's the least shitty way for you i think that's pretty good no that i mean the least shitty way for the other person is direct and like honest and just say like hey i don't think you know it's changed and i don't feel the same way and then you have to just like sit there and take whatever they give you fucking take it open your jaw and swallow that swallow all the anger or sadness or pain in their eyes or whatever

and then you also if you're the instigator you got to deal with a lot more fallout from like your friends and neighbors and all of those people that you know in town that have gotten to know you guys as a couple and you share a lot of stuff because you live together and i'm not telling you not to do it i'm just saying as the instigator it's usually a lot more it sucks ass the thing that i think i i learned during like my dating career was that like don't don't don't check out so much before you break up with the person that all you can think about is how fucking sweet it's gonna be after you don't have this horrible thing in front of you anymore if you don't treat this thing with the respect that like the length of your relationship like the the amount of credit

that that has earned with you like if you if you don't keep in mind like how much time and energy the both of you have put into this thing while considering your options for how to break up with the person you are doing both of you a fucking enormous disservice yet the grown apart is like the worst way of breaking up like that's them because they may come out of absolute clear blue sky for the other person like no clue or i would say the other other side of that coin is if you hesitate and you like if right now this second you know it's not working and you are mentally ready to break up with them and then you put it off for like a couple weeks because you're not ready to actually do it yet and then your behavior changes your attitude towards them

and it just is hell for the next four weeks trav could you use that time to start seating it though so it's not such a complete out like could you start saying this like oh i could use some more space or like do you want to rent the jennifer aniston movie the breakup again no guys because because that's just that's just a way of making of spreading the worstness out you know it's not going to be less shitty for this person to get dumped if they just do it all at once it's gonna be it's gonna be more way more shitty for them to see it coming to have this like nice thing like sort of go sour and then ultimately when it ends like it's gonna hurt just as much anyway have have you guys here's a question for you have you been dumped or dumped more what what has happened

to you more have you been the dumper or the dump e i have been dumped more okay griffin uh just this is a fucking trap because i it's gonna make me sound like a douche because i've dumped i've definitely dumped dump bed more i i got really great we have a great representation here because i'm right right in the middle split the upright one one and one i one and one i got two on my problem was a especially like in college that i would usually if i was not no longer interested in continuing the relationship would just kind of act like a jerk until it ended so that i wouldn't have to do it i don't need to uh amend i have dumped more and the one extra that i had forgotten about sorry madam uh uh uh i told i was moving soon i was moving soon then i couldn't pursue

a relationship because i was moving so that's weird because i feel like you've lived in heimton basically your whole life i didn't end up going through with the moon okay wait no at the time were you honestly planning to move and change your mind i was young i had a lot of traps i mean hell i don't know it's a big wide world out there it was potential energy this is right um no it's i i here's the thing i feel oh god whenever i got dumped it was always sudden out of the clear blue sky and whenever i dumped it was i would always just let it fucking fester like this and that's why i got it like you can't do it it's like an infected limb yeah it's it's it's it's really really horrible i think also can we just agree as a fucking nation

as a world ground rules nothing with written words no emails no god damn text no aims nobody wants to blip you're we're done that's the sound of the instant message and and as comforting as you feel like or protective don't like go out to a restaurant and dump somebody in a restaurant like do it unless unless you like i don't know unless you need a safe space to do it well that's true it's just like is there a place you could do it okay okay okay okay is there a place that you could dump someone a place or time or whatever is there a place where you could dump someone where they might be able to because of the place they are in could like convert it to where they can almost instantly get over it davin buster's that's what davin buster's before oh man that sucks let me get

an onion ring tower and oh my god you guys have a uh fisherman's bait here this is going to be great i'm gonna go i'm gonna eat this onion ring tower and i'm gonna go play that uh deep sea shooter game that sega makes griffin you write about video games for a living and it took you 10 seconds to pull an arcade game i'm so disappointed and your pole was fisherman's bait i'm so frustrated i'm gonna go play silent scope and then they go play silent scope and then they're fine and they won so enough tickets to get a new girlfriend that is not how that works uh that is not how that works oh god is a phone can can we establish it as long as we're fucking writing up the articles of confederation here is is a phone call okay within two months if you've only been dating two months

but two and a half years and you're living together that's not a phone call uh i recused myself for the question okay yeah oh that was kind of my jam but it was it was also my jam because it was like situations like this where it was where it was like oh we've grown very very far apart and we both kind of know this thing is coming that's the other thing like that is another dynamic entirely of if both of you think this thing is about to like come crashing down then it's almost like a relief to to end it you know what i mean because we don't know how we don't know how your boyfriend feels if your boyfriend is like in the same boat as you then maybe the breakup won't be as like i mean it'll be very very sad but maybe it won't be as like hyper painful maybe it'll be a relief to

some degree right i think i think when a bad relationship ends that both people are unhappy with when that ends that is a good thing for everybody involved and and i it will suck at for i mean no matter what like even if you have grown apart but like that's the nature of it that's the nature of the beast so i just do it make can i make a recommendation though please please try to have your shit boxed up please try to be a little bit prepared for what's going to happen next because one of you is going to have to a carry that lease by yourself you're going to pay their rent by yourself and the other one's going to have to move like please have an ex fill my i've had friends that have been living with people and broken up like three months into

a year-long lease and then have continued like living under the same roof but has x's because neither one like could screw the other it's just sounds like is it the most purgatorial shit could you like could that be no could you like use that to transition into like being okay with it could you use that for closure is that possible has anyone ever successfully done nobody ever no because the problem is like even if it's like a two-bedroom house and you're living in separate rooms like what are you supposed to do start dating again like or then you're still just hanging out all the time i guess it worked on new girl spoilers uh you guys want to yahoo yeah uh

this yahoo was sent in by level 44 uh yahoo shaman drew to have important thank you drew it's by yah drew answers users christian uh member since july 22nd 2013 an aged veteran who asks reaching for a dollar someone bent down to pick up a dollar outside the pharmacy she almost had it when i stopped on it and picked it up i scared her badly and i feel bad i apologize for scaring her but she still looks confused should i have apologized more so this is just as hard as the last question i feel like hmm okay wait break it down for me again okay someone bent it down to pick up a dollar outside of the pharmacy oh she almost had it but then this person stomped on it and picked it up that is okay

again game recognize game that is good dollar pickup strategy because if someone's getting the old fishing line you're not going anywhere you fucking washington get you do you think that this question asked her like watched and watched like oh she's almost got it okay and then left 45 feet into the air not today grandma went super saiyan and then butt stomped right down on this dollar bill you were probably thinking about using that dollar bill to buy your your grandson's own candy did you need this for pills okay if you guys see a dollar on the ground you've been picking up right no and what what what what denomination what how much what denomination i said i said a dollar so one a single dollar bill are you fucking kidding me with my back

that's why i keep i keep my grabber arm with me if you see a 50 outside of a business do you take it into the business to say i like hey i found this outside so if in case someone comes looking for just like the the legendary dracool it all depends on the threshold if it is outside it is fair game yeah if it's inside it's fair game for a 50 i would fight everybody around me in a 100 foot radius like and i was in a fucking battle royale i would fight everyone for that shit it would be like the opening scene in angbok just like me fucking climbing a tree to get to the 50 dollar bill on top just like kicking dudes the ground no way 50 dollar bill 10 more dollars i can buy a new triple a video game fuck off um but see that's the thing though i don't bend over for a single but if i did

50 times the reason i wanted to address this question is because i feel like it it it it tackles a lot of really tough subjects like embarrassing yourself by taking bending over to pick up garbage off the ground because that's what it is um thievery potentially because that might be somebody else's dollar it might be this person's dollar that they literally just dropped and you were standing behind this person tailing them waiting for them to drop currency and then when they did you swooped it i think my favorite part of this question is the question ask askers like confusion at the other person's confusion like why would they be confused well because like you waited till they almost had it and then you stomped your foot down on it you followed this

person for seven blocks and they were like whoops and you were like mine it's your and then they were admittedly confused and then were confused because they had never seen a fucking bridge troll in their life before i uh you guys throw pennies on the ground oh god yeah uh when we were in japan we uh i racked up a lot of one yen coins and i don't know if you guys know how the how the yen works but it's basically 100 of those equals one dollar so one yen the coins are like made out of like play school like plastic they're the shittiest worst coins and i racked up like 700 of them while we were there and i literally the day we left i put them all in a can and i threw the can away through right in the garbage because like nobody takes them nobody wants those i had a

friend that i learned in middle school actually uh who who hated pennies and he would throw them like on the ground if he got a penny he would just like chuck it and and and lose it he lived with his grandparents and one day we were almost out of middle school his grandfather presents this jar where he had been picking up these pennies and like collecting them and he had like a sizable chunk of change and he was basically taunting my friend mark because he had collected these riches off of him he had like scrimped and saved and then had like a good 650 in a jar hold on hold on his six dollars and fifty cents or six hundred and fifty dollars six dollars and fifty cents buck keep in mind of course this was the eighties okay but that could still break economics

that could still break now i'm right to six fifty zero sixty five hundred dollars and i still think all the work that went into picking up those pennies probably wasn't worth it peepers peepers your back is so shitty how did your back get so wildly shitty peepers i just picked up six dollars and fifty cents that'll pay for my back surgery won't it no it won't try adding another fourteen thousand nine hundred and ninety four dollars to that and then we can probably talk about back surgery you fool i can't believe we won the great war with you with you and you're ill thanks everybody so much for listening to our program we hope you've had a lot of fun uh want to let you know we're going to be doing a a live a live broadcast uh of our of our program

my brother my brother and me uh home for the candle night's a holiday spectacular that's going to be in honeydew west virginia we have sold four hundred and thirty tickets believe it or not uh and we want you to be there travis you made a bitly link but i can't seem to scrounge it up do you remember what it was it is bit.ly forward slash candle nights live okay bit.ly forward slash candle nights live and you're going to be able to uh to go see that show now maybe you're thinking hey i don't live near west virginia i i can't do that let me tell you some of the places where we have sold tickets we've sold 12 in tennessee 23 in virginia 38 in pennsylvania 15 from north carolina 15 from maryland 44 from kentucky 18 from illinois eight from georgia two from florida

three from connecticut two from colorado and two from switzerland what the fuck what so i think so that probably you can come no press but if we don't fucking all three of us turn into mirror balls on the stage and shoot light out of every pore from our body and hover around 15 feet in the air and give everybody five thousand dollars then i don't think that this show is going to be as good as these swiss people think it's going to be oh boy we'll do our best if it makes you feel any better after the show we'll probably get drunk with everyone and just get like blitzed so that's great so that might be fun um so go see that candle night bit.ly forward slash candle nights live i don't know what we're going to do that would live up to what we how far people are coming

but we will it will be uh popping off yeah we'll do our best uh we want to say afterwards and and all that good stuff and saw bones also will be opening so uh fans of of that program uh should should come to i want to say thanks again to nature box uh where you can order great tasting wholesome snacks if you haven't already please go to naturebox.com forward slash my brother and sign up to get your own free sample box what are you waiting for go now you fools they're free i want to thank john rodrick i want to thank john rodrick in the long winters for these for our theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed you can listen to that for free at the beginning and end and a little bit in the middle of our podcast so again more free shit for

you uh i want to thank people tweeting about the show like hoff guy uh seara f terry bogart heather s cloudwork taryn nielsen uh fox ovens christine saundry lauren valken calvin hollick nick jensen kimsteen's steins maybe steins quad likes uh so many others that is actually a youtube like notification nice engine speaking of youtube we just put up a new animated uh short from tyler krally me it's so good it's the shitty iron man bit which is like i don't know about you guys but that's one of the funniest things that griffin has done on the show i love his rants so if you haven't seen it go check it out uh we are mbmbam on youtube um if you have seen it and you like it please share it it's the best way to get new people onto our youtube channel and to make more videos

and stuff is if you share it and then get new subscribers and everything like that we'll put out more and more stuff please please this is this is an earnest please please please are we done yeah i think we're done that cartoon by the way has three thousand two hundred and i think fuck yeah it's about a million two few let's get robert downey jr to tweet that and then we're done we can retire oh and check out all the other shows on max fun they're incredible oh goes without saying but i seen your what's our featured show let's say this week's featured show is throwing shade throwing shade uh uh a man and a woman i i'm not sure if they're a couple i think they might be a couple they they talk about women's and issues and gay issues i'm not sure what gives them

the right but sure uh and throwing shade is is actually really really really funny it's super good if you like this show you'll like throwing shade i know they might be giants or a fan of throwing shade so hey that's that's enough for me um um i think that's gonna do it final yahoo final yahoo was sent in by ashley burghart thank burghart she sent in a lot too game recognized game i'm sorry i can't say your last name thank you ashley burghart it's by yahoo answers user james who asks when astronauts go to space why don't they run into stars i'm just a macaroon i'm travis macaroon i'm drifting macaroon he's been my brother my brother and me kiss your dad we're on the list

maximumfun.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported hi my name is rishikesh hereway and i have a podcast called song explainer in each episode a musician takes apart one of their songs and piece by piece tells you the story of how it was made you get an inside look into the creative and technical process and a unique view of a song by hearing just the drums or just the guitars or say just a whirlitzer piano if you're a fan of music if you make music or if you just like to learn how things are made come check it out on maximumfun.org thanks