My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 227: Streaks on the China

Episode Date: November 24, 2014

We think we've dished out about all the advice that exists in this, the material plane. Come with us as we dive into new worlds, and explore the infinite possibilities of THE CRYSTAL REALM. Suggested talking points: Serial Pringles, Thank You Topaz, The Truman Show Modesty, Look Stealing, Rude Peeps, Fancy Jism, Scott Bakula Slash Fic, Magic Angel, Clipper Rippers

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, welcome to my brother, my brother, me, and advice show in serial roundup Rap Gap. For the modern era, I'm also really just a McElroy. I'm your middle is brother Travis McElroy. I'm your baby is baby brother Griffin McElroy. Let's get to the rap gap.

No, it's a rap gap. It's like a wrap up and a recap. Okay, this is your official serial after show. So where we look at the latest episode of True Crime Special Serial and we discuss where the clues are leading us. I have to say, I think it's pretty obvious at this point. What do you think, Travis? What are your suspicions based on the recent revelations that the Best Buy was a front this whole time? Well, I'm going to say two words, Justin. Fugue state. Fugue state. I think the reporter entered into a fugue state and did it. And now, like 15 years later, is like reporting on the crime. Huge twist, Shyamalan. I will say that is a fucking awesome cover up is like, I'm going to get to the bottom of this,

but I'm having trouble getting to the bottom of it. Are you having trouble getting to the bottom of it? Or are you the bottom? Well, she doesn't know because it was a fugue state. That's the twist. It's like she's going to like find out. If she wasn't forgetting what happened every day, whenever she fell asleep, it would be so much easier for her to catch the criminal. Series finale is just going to be her like, it's all of this discussion of trying to remember where these teens were makes me try make one of makes me want to try and think where I was. Let me think, oh my God, I can't believe, oh my God, I'm covered in blood still. Probably the craziest thing about serial to me, a podcast that I listened to,

is where is this lady finding all these teens? Yeah, she seems to know where a lot of teens hang out. And I swear to God, I haven't seen a teenager in three years. And if you did, how the fuck would you approach them without scaring them away? Like some sort of. I want to talk to you about a Best Buy parking lot. No. I don't get teens to talk to you. The craziest thing about this show, as long as we're talking about serial, is that the events that happened 15 years ago. And there are people on this show that talk about what happened at a certain time. I have four pictures in my entire mind's eye from my entire freshman year of high school 15 years ago. And one of them is me sitting in sweatpants

listening to DC Talk on a portable CD player in the band instrument closet. And in your head, it's just subtitled Coolest Day Ever. Justin, where were you? Where were you on February 20th, 1995? I can tell you exactly where I was, motherfucker. Check the DC Talk. Check my DC Talk. Let me get, let me open up my dismount and you check the memory. But then you see I was listening to Jesus Freak on that exact day. Then he opened up the Walkman and there was no DC Talk. It was News Boys, Murder Solved. Fugestate. I think that I have only listened to half of an episode, but I'm starting to think that maybe this is fiction. This is a work of fiction. And I know that you can Google it and like find the news reports saying that this girl was actually

murdered. It's an ARG. They planned this. But maybe it's a fucking ARG. And maybe I think that somebody is using this to sell us all Pringles. I think it's a Pringles ARG. That does explain why they keep talking about Pringles at the scene of the crime. It's exactly. Jay is like, he called me up and he was like, I'm going to murder her today. Sir, I'm going to have to, I got to ask you to stop eating those Pringles while we're taking your testimony. Sorry, now that I've popped, I just can't stop. I just cannot stop. The most frustrating like experience of serial listening must be for the guy who used to run Circuit City because every episode is an extended commercial for Best Buy. Like,

they don't need the exposure. I bet that guy is wishing on every star he can find that someone would get murdered in the parking lot of a circuit city 15 years ago because he needs that heat. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what I think the most confusing thing about serial is? What's that? I've listened to nine episodes and they have yet to mention Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Okay, come on. Hello. Hanging Fruit is the sweetest of fruits. I think we're like, we're more than 200 episodes into this thing. I think that we can hold ourselves to a higher standard than that. Okay, but I will say French Toast Crunch. In Travis's defense, I have had at least three experiences in the past couple of weeks since sitting in. I started listening to

Serial where she will say to me, I read the craziest thing about serials today and I'll perk up like, oh, that is a that is a favorite topic. Oh, mine. Did they bring back? They brought back Oops, All Berries is called. Oh, fuck. All Berries. I might have killed the girl. All Berries. Oh, shit. All Berries. Oh, dunk. Where were you when all these berries happened? What if it ties back to that? Jay is like, yeah, I totally remember. He was eating a bowl of Oops, All Berries. Nope. Sorry. Oops, All Berries is not a circulation then. Check the calendar. It was not being made then. Oh, I'm sorry. He was eating a McRib. No, he wasn't. No, he was not. He was not eating a McRib. He was listening to DC Talk. Was he or was it Switchfoot? Oh, shit. All Berries. Let's do a

question. Yeah, that sounds good. By the way, sorry. Can I apologize to everybody that this is what I sound like? You can hear you can hear my slimy vocal cords just slapping together, forming each consonant and vowel and I apologize. Like a drunk seal. We had to alter Griffin's voice because he doesn't want to be identified. I don't want to be identified. I'm actually the guy from the serial show. I need to listen to more of it. My wife went a car a while back and firmly believed it had something to do with a lucky crystal she bought. I'm quit. Ever since then, there has been an increasing number of crystals appearing around the house. Am I good? God damn you. Oh, fuck. You can't even laugh like that when I got the consumption.

You actually sound better. I feel like the crystals healed you. Oh, fuck, thank you. Oh, it was the topaz. It was the lustrous topaz. On an episode of Penn and Teller's bullshit, they say this phrase like everybody's got a greegery or something along those lines of like everybody's got a thing that like they cling to is like their special like and I feel like this is a case of that. I think if everybody were to look deep within themselves, everybody has a thing where they were like, oh, yeah, when this really good thing happened, I was wearing this t-shirt. So like this is my lucky t-shirt. And they always kind of say it like jokingly like, I'm using a tone of voice that shows that I don't really think this is serious,

but I've said it 20 times today. It's so serious. But here's the thing. Can I tell you to something? I've never fucked with crystals and I've never won a car. Yep. Justin gave me his Oldsmobile Cutlass Sierra when he upgraded and I guess that was free and you were and to be fair, you were on crystal meth at the time. Okay. I was on that car. You're lucky crystal meth. I was on that sweet crunch that oops all berries and I did get a free car. So I take it back. Crystals are legit. They resonate at a frequency that human beings can't understand, but the Salarians can. I think that if someone says they have a lucky crystal, you should tell them they have to eat it because think about it. If it's so lucky,

that should go fine. If it's so lucky, you should want it inside of you powering your body. Yeah. Like, like that, that like krang in that weird exoskeleton. You should want this stone, this crystal inside of you. If it's so lucky, so eat it already. Eat that crystal. She should start fighting crime or something. It's like I have a crystal that protects me from all harm. Like, cool. You need to leave here or we're going to shoot you to death. Yeah, go ahead and try. Check out my amethyst, motherfucker. I want a car with this shit. I want a car with this and it also makes me unkillable.

I might be leaving the conclusions. I might be leaving conclusions here, but just try and shoot me through the topaz. You cannot, sir. This story is distinctly American. We find one crystal that has the magic power to give us cars and we what do we do? Are we thrilled that we found them? No, no. We start trying to scam crystals from every which way we can. Exactly. Did you exhaust the charge on that? Like, why don't you just roll with the one lucky crystal that you found? It sounds like the reporter from Serial could use a magic topaz.

And if somebody would hand it to her and she'd be like, oh, it was Jay. Oh, God, of course. The whole time is right in front of me. It was Jay the whole time. I am so sorry. I just wasted everybody's time for a dozen hours trying to figure this thing out. I could have just touched this topaz and the answer would have revealed itself to me. Do you think maybe it's like a ring of keys where this is her lucky car crystal and then she's got like a lucky job crystal and she's got like a lucky like the food order I made came back perfect crystal. Do you think she has a crystal that helps her find sweet crystals?

Oh, this is my crystal crystal crystal. Yeah. This is my crystal gale crystal that I found there. Crystal gale vinyl. I think that if this is her thing, if this is like your wife's thing, there there is a saturation point where I think you get to say like, honey, the crystals, they're everywhere. We don't have money for food because you bought crystals. But I think I think that that line is the first time you step on one. Yeah, like the first time. Well, not so lucky. It seems it seems this one might be busted. Check the energy on it. So we call it Ghostbuster.

The inner johns in this one aren't quite matching up. Maybe we go a different way. Do you want a Yahoo? Yeah, hit me. This Yahoo was sent in by Sarah Benson. Thank you, Sarah. You sent in a lot of great Yahoo's this week, Sarah. So I feel like we should have a new segment on the show called Game Recognize Game, where people just like crush it with Yahoo's. Game Recognize Game, Sarah Benson. Great job. It's asked by Yahoo Answers user. Whoa, fuck. Before I, and then there's a check mark, and then you are you, and then it's slash,

and then 18. That probably means some sort of sex thing. Before I check you. This random string of gobbledygook asks. Before I check you, are you slash? Before I check you, are you 18? That's what it is. Okay. All right. Gross. Cool history you must have. Cool backstory that you have contained in a single username. This horrible goblin asks. In the Truman show, do they film him when he's in a shower, in the toilet, or making love? Topical. Because they film every second of his life, but those things are pretty big parts of everyone's life. It is certainly a big part of mine.

And I don't think they'd show the whole world that. It's a pretty big plot hole. Okay. Are you saying it's big plot hole, or is the question asked? Good morning, good evening, and in case I don't see you again, good night. Be right back. And then he has diarrhea for 45 minutes. I'm going to say that this is the most frustrating Yahoo Answers question we've ever had, and I'll tell you why. In the movie, the Truman show, when he is about to make love, they deal with that, and the camera pans to the curtains. It's a whole fucking scene, and they deal with it. Okay, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, maybe a sweep sweep.

Oh, okay. Maybe he wants to show full penetration. Maybe the camera operator is asleep at the wheel, and they show full Jim Carrey penetration. His whole, his full high kill. Wouldn't be a great scene in Truman show if they'd pulled back, and the whole time there There was just a camera operator standing there, pretend like I'm not here. What a way to boost ratings. It is an artificial way to boost ratings of, hey guys, this week, it's shit week.

We're not gonna pan away when he's shitting. We put X-Lacks into all of Truman's meals, enjoy it. Why am I shitting so much every week right before Christmas every year? It's the Truman Show Christmas special. Come around, gather around the log, kids, as Truman shits his brains out liquid waste.

It's a nightmare. It's like getting to look a lot like Christmas. How does it all end? Well, he's probably gonna shit himself to death because you keep poisoning him. That's what I think. I tell you, I don't know if this policy extends to self-pleasuring, but if I had been

starting the Truman Show, the years between middle of middle school and the end of high school would have featured a lot of pants to cover. A lot of camera panning. Go ahead and secure that Better Homes and Gardens sponsorship now, because you are gonna get some prime placement for your curtains. Top of the credit roll will be courtesy panner,

and it's just like from 12 to 19, just like that dude is gonna earn that paycheck. Mom, why are my curtains now covered with the Pepsi logo? Well, because of your sin. Because of your sin, you did that. How much of it there is? Do you think that if Truman had just turned out to be a really boring dude and the show had gotten canceled,

they would have murdered him? We should ask the stars of Utopia, who are currently living through this exact thing. Oh, God, guys on Utopia, first of all, I'm sorry that I canceled your television show by talking about it on our podcast. This podcast is basically the Indian in the cupboard of reality shows,

by which I mean if I say something happens, then it becomes real and it becomes extant. I have to be fucking careful with this power, with this crystal power that I've developed, and not say any shit about survivor or amazing race, because how could I live without those? Truman, what other activities would the camera not be able to show if true,

like what would you not put in the show? What if he was super racist? Super racist. And it was just like, hey, can we get some good influences in there? We've tried, like the teachers or some of the parents or some, I don't know where he gets it from. I don't know. He was super racist.

His whole life has been artificial. We've controlled every single element in his life. I do not know, has somebody been sneaking him blue collar comedy? Has somebody been smuggling blue collar comedy into the bio dome? We never, yeah, we don't really deal with like, Truman's super excited when he gets out.

If I found out that people had filmed everything I'd done until I turned like, oh my God. Woof. That is going to be a hard nap for me. I'm going to have to lay down for a little while and just sort of process. That would have been way better in that movie if he was like, so all the jerk-offs?

Yup, yup. Every single one, because I did 3,482 and the audience loved each and every one. And also Truman, we need to let you know there's a thing called the internet and people have been tracking these obsessively. There are several tumblers devoted to your jerk-off schedule.

How about another question? I do my laundry at the Laundromat. Sometimes when I go to bump my clothes from the wash to the dryer, all the dryers, I'll close in them. Some of the dryers won't even be in the process of drying the clothes. Clothes will just be hanging out in the dryer,

taking up space. What's the appropriate amount of time to wait for the owner of the clothes to arrive and remove their dry clothes before you just get up, fit up and take the clothes out and put them on the counter somewhere so you can use the dryer? That's from Honorary in Oregon.

When I think about this, I think this just says a lot about me in that I just, if I encounter this problem, I think, man, I'm losing it laundry today. I'll wait. Like, I just feel like the other people got there first. They did it better and I'm losing it. Well, they didn't do it better

if they just leave their fucking garbage in the dryer for six days. Is that not a worry for other people? Movies have made me afraid that people are going to steal my clothes out of the dryers. Can you imagine? It took me a long, long time to develop my look.

You guys know this. Sure. About me. Of course. My look, it took me a really long time to discover that my weird body shape can only really, truly be accommodated by V-neck T-shirts from Old Navy.

So maybe not a lot of work, maybe a lot of initial investigation, but then I just know to buy chunky mid-section T-shirts at Old Navy. Yeah. And I spent a lot of those high-collar T-shirts and it looked bizarre. It looked bizarre.

It was like a melting marshmallow on a rotten stump. It was a bizarre up there. It was my whole body was just all very stumpy and rotten, just bad all over, just sour. And then you put on the Old Navy V-neck, it was more like, oh, that's like a neutral, okay. That's like a neutral, where did Griffin go? And I've spent a lot of money on these $3 T-shirts.

Can you imagine just being like, I'm gonna leave my entire look and I'm gonna go down the street to Chipotle for four hours and just like, good luck, clothes, just stay right there, don't get stole. It is, that's like my baby, you know what I mean? My look is everything to me. And you're just potentially sacrificing that.

It would take so long to rebuild that look in the ground, I'm not sure you could. 25 minutes to remember the colors of shitty V-neck T-shirts that I got from Old Navy that lasts for about four weeks. I just like, I couldn't do it, man, I couldn't do it. This week's episode sponsored by Old Navy. Old Navy, their T-shirts will hide your grotesque thorax. Protect yourself from the prying eyes of a cruel, cruel world

with Old Navy's chunky midsection V-neck T-shirts. Become instantly invisible with Old Navy's utterly forgettable line. Hey, how come all the parts of your body are super little except for that one part of your body that's weirdly super big? Doesn't matter, throw on this V-neck. It's pullover season for all the freaky bodies in America.

Hey, hey, are you fat-ish? Come on. Come on down. Come on, get it on. One more get. We got that weird dog still and that weird old lady. You love them, do you remember how much you love them? It's buy one, get six free at Old Navy.

Is this what it'll take? Y'all want a yahoo? Yeah, I do, Griffin. This yahoo was sent in by Rachel Sperling, Game Recognized Game. Thank you, Rachel. It's by a yahoo answers user, Brian, who asks, why is peepaw so rude?

So today I was at my peepaw's household and he sneezed in my face. It's pretty good. Then laughed about it. He's always doing rude things like this and tripping me and my boyfriend when we walk by and spitting on my ferret. The other day, he even picked his nose

and wiped his booger on my clothing. Travis Patrick McRoy. That's good, he's a solid. How can we get him to stop being so rude? Why? Spitting on the ferret is out of control. That's some next level rude grandpa technique. You think your grandpa's rude talking about the war

and just incessantly talking about his friends and their sacrifices? So rude. My grandpa spits on my ferret. Fuck you, you don't know shit. These are all good goofs. If I was watching this happen, I would lose it. Why is this ferret caked in grandpa's spit?

I'll tell you why. It's cause my jeeps. If I, God willing, live to an elderly age, I'm doing this. I'm hitting that point where it's like, moreys out the window, what are you gonna say? But like, this is your kin. Yeah.

Shouldn't you be nice to your kin? Don't you want them to remember you? I know how angry I am at people who are younger than me now. I can only imagine that's gonna be compounded in the intervening decades. Yeah. Don't even be young around me. You want your grandchildren to wear old person makeup

when they walk in the room. Like Spike Jonestyle. Yeah. I think one of my favorite memories of Paw Paw is like him sitting there and just whoever else was talking in the room, talking at a level that only you sitting next to him could hear and he would just be like making fun of them

or saying shit about him. Like, yeah, just keeps on talking and nobody's really listening and I don't know why she keeps talking like that. Like I'd like to talk but nobody else is gonna let me because she's in there talking to a lot and it was the best thing. It was a very subtle burn.

He had very subtly spit on your ferret. He used to like, I remember one time with Paw Paw we rolled up to like a Taco Bell and he just kept saying like, I want an apple pie. Ask him if they have apple pie and then looking at me and winking like, you dick. And then mom would try to explain like, no, no, dad. They don't, this is Taco Bell and he's like,

but I want an apple pie, wink. You dick. That's bit commitment. That's the one thing that old people have in space. I think it's just the ability to say, I don't know if this bit's funny or not, but I'm gonna lean into it because how many more bits am I gonna get?

I don't have an answer to that. I'm just gonna go for it. I'm gonna go hog. Do you think that Paw Paw is the reason they started carrying empanada? Yeah, this old dude just keeps coming through and yelling about apple pie. He just keeps coming by with his apple pie.

Are you missing a whole market? I just thought about like getting home from Paw Paw's house and like changing into my pajamas and looking on the back of my shirt and there were boogers on it and not knowing where they came from and I got like really, really, really genuine love. You got me again, people.

Damn it. On this episode of Serial, we checked the time on the bugs. We checked them for carciless and also old hairs. Listen, we might have put those bugs on the shirt. I don't remember it. I don't remember the bugs. I mean, who remembers every bug they ever had?

15 years later, another clue was uncovered. Yeah, there were bugs on his shirt. How did we overlook these bugs? No, if there had been bugs, the cops would have checked for bugs, right? Like they wouldn't have just let bugs go. We didn't have bug check technology 15 years ago. It was the 90s.

We were all doing a lot of speed. There's no way he could have bugged all those cell phone towers. Maybe your grandfather's Alan Funt. Maybe this is that camera game and this is the best goofs he can cook up. Maybe your grandpa's Alan Funt and you never noticed. Maybe your grandpa's Carrot Top.

Mom, did you notice how grandpa got really ripped like 12 years ago? A poor Carrot Top. He's been ripped for longer than he hasn't been and it's still all anyone could talk about. Actually, I had, I talked about so many fucking other things. I had completely displaced that mental image from my mind and now it's right back in there.

So thanks, you two chuckle fucks. Lots of important stuff in the news today, but first, Carrot Top still ripped 12 years later. Still ripped. Isn't that silly? All right. Money's up. Oh, shit.

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If you want to just go check it out, it's the best. My net nanny actually locked me out of it. Now that I live in LA, I'm going to go check out like their warehouse and their showroom. And I'm so excited. I want you to do like an infomercial from there, where you're just walking around shaking people's hands. Do you like to put stuff in your butt?

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That's not a real thing. There's not really a remote control cock ring. Or it's something like they put it up and it's like, well, that's been out for three years and no one's clicked it. We didn't think we'd actually have to like, okay, let's see, it's a thing. I don't know, give us some time to workshop it.

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And this device is, it looks crazy and I couldn't understand how it could be used until I am looking at it on a dick now. Put your dick in a cage and that's essential for this Chastity device. Stay in there. You did a crime. And then there's like a little containment zone

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Mission & Cruise. Mission & Cruise. Together again. Together again. No, you look like Tom Cruise and they're like you stick these onto your shower wall and you fuck there. It's weird, I'm looking at the subcategories

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so that we can keep doing these spots. They are the best sponsors still. The prodigal son hath returned us. And make sure to send us pictures of what you play. Nope. No, not while you use it, pre-use. Or right out of the box. Or definitely while you use it.

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I'm out of fluid. What do you turn to when you're done watching, you're done fucking yourself with Tom Wopat. While you consume your power bar and you drink your Gatorade. You put the bag back over his head and you put him in the closet. He's done for now.

See you tomorrow, Tom. Poke some holes in there for Tom Wopat or he won't be there tomorrow. No. He's gonna leave in his container. It's so important that you recreate Tom Wopat's natural habitat. He's gonna be scared.

Why do you have a cross-stitch pillow hanging off your bedroom closet door that says Tom's place? Well, there's a good reason for that. Tom Wopat is my fuck-prisoner. And my constant. And my constant. I love him so much.

So Hulu Plus is the best way to spend your time after you have sex with Tom Wopat. Whatever you wanna watch, however much time you have, like if you have days to kill, Hulu Plus is gonna be there for you. There is an insane amount of content on this website. Whatever shows that you've been missing

that you wanna catch up on, they have a blue million of them. You wanna watch all of Sybil, including the episodes with Tom Wopat? They're there. You're welcome. The illegal banned episodes of Sybil. The too hot for TV episodes?

That involves Sybil turning Tom Wopat into a fuck-prisoner. They're there. They're all there. They're not there. They're not there. But my favorite thing, and like every time I turn on Hulu,

I find something on there that either I've forgotten it existed, or I just assumed wouldn't be out to watch yet because it was too new. And it's there. Yesterday I found Garth Marengi's Dark Place, which is- Oh, wow. It's hilarious.

It's like a six-episode spoof on like 70s and 80s horror shows. It is the funniest thing I've ever watched, and I haven't watched it since it was on TV. And there it is, on Hulu, every episode of the season. And that's all I did for the rest of the day. I was like, well, this is what I'm doing. So I guarantee you it's like $7.99 a month,

and the greatest value for that money, because you're gonna find something new on there every time you look. I guess we could do an A&T and check-in. Although it seems like they're fucking calming it down a little bit. They've actually been modeling, and not like doing DNA tests and dressing up

like Native American robots. Although they did make them act, and that should just be banned from the show from this point on. No more acting. Did Aaron Sorkin leave the show? It's it, yeah. So Aaron Sorkin left the show,

and now the dialogue has become extremely heavy-handed. I'm embarrassed to say I'm like three episodes behind. You dummy. You stupid idiot. I have nobody else to talk. Nobody else is watching this show, except for me and Rachel. We have no- On the planet.

On the planet. Ty returned to the camera in the last episode and said, thank you Griffin and Rachel. And then she made everybody eat ribs for some reason. Everybody just started eating ribs at panel. She was like, aren't these great? If you're intrigued, you can go to huluplus.com slash my brother

and get a whole extra week for free. There's a single week free trial. If you sign up regularly with us, you're gonna get an extra week. Go to huluplus.com slash my brother and boys in the house, butch tooch. I have a special message for Sarah and Oliver, and it's from Sean.

Sean says to Sarah and Oliver, congratulations Sarah. I love you so much, and I'm excited to be starting a family with you. Welcome Oliver, and I've been waiting for months for this. What's up you cool baby? Oh, it's a baby, the baby was born. Probably it's the baby.

That's a good name for a baby. It might also just be like a house guest he's been waiting for. Maybe, but probably a baby though. What if this is, what if us talking, what if this episode of the podcast is the first thing that the baby hears? I mean, with our scheduling,

he's probably like three years old. He's probably 19 years old. But what if this baby has grown up listening to our voices and we're like it's three daddies? Sarah and Sean, congratulations. Dude, you know Sean is the dad. Stop with the fucking contextual leap scryphon. You're gonna get us into legal hot water one of these days.

Can't get Franklin and Bash to come bail us out. They're not there anymore for us. They said- You better get real lawyers. They said I'm excited to start a family with you. Maybe he's her uncle, okay. Maybe he's the wacky landlord who pops in from time to time.

Maybe he's their Belvedere. Maybe he's Mr. Belvedere. Did you think about that, Griffin? Maybe we're looking at a full Belv. Didn't Mr. Belvedere like roll up into the estate and be like, I'm your dad now. Do you not remember the episode in which he was a sperm donor because they couldn't get pregnant?

No, no, I'm your daddy. It's too hot on TV, but it's on Hulu Plus. Here, have some of my fancy jism. Sorry, sorry, I missed the cup of bed streaks. It's on the China. And streaks on jism, I bet. The secret to getting jism off your China is a little bit of soda water and mustard.

Fancy mustard. Grape upon. I jizzed on the China. I love that show. Just scrape a little jism off the China. There's a baby waiting for you. What? Bob, you can't go to work like that.

You're coming to jizz him. Change your shirt. Oh, lawn near them. Honey, I think we need to fire Mr. Belvedere. I'm too afraid. I'm too afraid. I can hear perfectly. Decades of tantrum jizzing.

Can we read the ability to hear far beyond those of mortal men? We have ruined this super sweet message that this person has written for a baby. So anyway, Oliver, welcome to Earth. It's pretty much like this all the time. Trav, did we have another message? We do. It's for Sean, the bandana Mitchell, and it's from Jen Rampage Hernandez. Fuck yeah. There is no chance of this getting to you on time. If there is any time left, Mary Jane loves you. And the cuckoo has left the nest. You know what to do. Godspeed.

Hey, how come somebody assassinated Joe Biden yesterday? I don't know. It must have been some sort of weird sort of activation splinter cell code word. Oh no, the wires got crossed and he just jizzed all over Joe Biden. Oh no. No. Not again. He made a Biden job. We don't know what that message was about, but we hope it activated whoever you intended to activate. We are not legally responsible for any activation that happens on the show. Legally responsible for any soiling of Mr. Vice President Joe Biden.

What's up? My name is Jasper Red, co-host of The Goose Down, along with the lovely Kimberly Clark. And we want to invite you into the comfort and groove of our podcast that encompasses the arts and entertainment. You can check us out at maximumfund.org also available on iTunes. My girlfriend has started writing a Harry Potter fan fiction with two characters loosely based on us. Well, hold on. Okay. She has told me that these two characters eventually end up dating. I'm a little worried. Will her writing reveal uncomfortable truths about how she sees me or wishes that I was? Should I stop reading now or am I worried about nothing? That's from Confundus Charmed in California. Folks, these are the kinds of questions we need.

This is a perfect, my brother and my brother mean question. Thank you. And then when Steve the Wizard pulled out his wand, Jenna said, sure, it's a little small, but that's okay. I still love you. It's filthy. I want to talk about this paragraph. No, it's a wand. I talked about how it's Phoenix Feather in Dragon Heart String. And boy, I wish it was thicker, just a little bit. And Steve the Wizard always chewed with his mouth open and Sarah the Wizard hated that. Hey, Sarah. Hey, Sarah. Let's talk about this. One day, Sarah the Wizard got enchanted dagger and buried it in its fucking throat because

he couldn't keep his goddamn mouth shut. And I'm also, I'm talking to you. I mean, first of all, let's talk about the terminology because it doesn't sound like Harry Potter fan fiction. It sounds like maybe a little bit of extended universe, a little bit of EU, a little bit of like Harry Potter tales from the Moss Isley Cantina. Yeah. Canon. Canon G. If it's Canon G, that's, that's perfectly fine. Because when you say fan fiction, I immediately think of, you know, a lot of Draco's throbbing member. But you're thinking of flash fiction.

Right. That's synonymous. No, fan fiction can be completely, completely benign. Oh, yeah. Have you read a lot of that? Well, no, you've read a lot of Shadow the Hedgehog. Fucking big the cat's asshole is what you've read, sir. I love those. Shadow the Hedgehog bigs the cat slash fictions. Yeah. Oh, were you laughing because you think that's a thing that doesn't exist? Or are you laughing because you know and acknowledge that that is half of all fan fiction?

No, I was laughing because I get actual enjoyment from reading those. It makes me very happy. Okay, good. I wasn't, I think that this question would be more troubling. Wouldn't you be more trouble to question ask her if she was writing two characters loosely based on you who were not dating and instead she was dating like the captain of the Quidditch team? That would be more trouble. And you thought that was you and then it turned out the Captain of the Coaches had like a weird mole that you don't have.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Our neighbor Jerry has a mole, though, and he's great at Quidditch. God damn it, Jerry. Please don't take her just because you can. I'm sorry. I can't catch the golden snitch. Snitches are beyond compare. His mole is covered with gross hair.

Oh Jesus. With ivory skin and dragons of emerald green. Okay, I this sucks on a lot of different levels. Isn't this a great test of like a relationship that first time someone hands you their fan fiction? Their manuscripts. How do you react to that will determine the course of your love forever? Can I say you guys like I secretly think I would enjoy the hell out of writing fan fiction. What universe would you want to dip into?

Enjoy what? What universe would you want to dip into? What if I had to write fan fiction in a universe? Which one would I want to inhabit? Yes. I mean I wrote a spec office script once which was basically this. Yeah. So that maybe like that was basically fan fiction.

Well that was that was potentially for a job. And it was a good yeah. But isn't it all fan fiction until someone pays you for it? That's a good point. Yeah, I mean when when J.K. Rowling wrote the original Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone that was actually doing fan fiction. Not a lot of people know that. Very little details had to change.

How House of Trades was just House Gryffindor. They just changed the name of it. Oh. Yeah. I think I would want to dip into quantum leap. It's so it's such a rich vein. My God. What can't you do?

Uh. I would write the hell out of some quantum leap fiction. Oh I want to do one where he leaps into Santa Claus. Travis that's a fucking good idea. Thank you Justin. Oh and who's the partner? Batten down the hatches. I'm ready to leave.

He's partnering up with Dr. Who. I'm gonna go uh actually run into the run into the bedroom really quick and grab Rachel's laptop and read you guys some of her quantum leap slash fiction that she's written. Because that is her favorite show of all time. Oh boy. Yeah. I'm leaping. I'm leaping.

I know what you're thinking. There's a lot of hologram sex involved. And you know what I'm thinking. That you're absolutely right. Yes. Congratulations. Swiss cheese memory and an ass like Gruyere. Oh my God.

Don't. She still manages to write in a scene where Scott Bakula gets to sing though. Because it's in his writer. I'll let you all fuck a physical manifestation of Ziggy and I'll have hologram sex too. But you gotta let me dress up like the big bumper. Okay Scott. That is an ironclad contract when he anticipated slash fiction. Yep.

In case like 25 years from now people are writing on the internet about me having sex with Ziggy. I have to sing in those in those stories. Come on Donald Belisario. You want me? I've talked about this before but how fucking good would like an adventure game series set in quantum leap B. I think about it and I get so excited. I could write that.

Is that is that fan fiction. How about it tell tale. Are you talking about like video game scenario or like board game card game scenario. No no no board video game scenario. Be so fucking tight. I would write it for free. You could make any game into a quantum leap game by just having a scene at the beginning where he leaps like there's very few distinguishing features of it other than the leaping.

It's not like he gets super strength or anything cool like that. You could do it right now just by editing in like scenes into video games where like just for one second he looks at the camera and says like oh boy and then you just keep going and you're like holy wait hold on. Is this a quantum leap game. Is GoldenEye a quantum leap game. Did we talk about quantum leap slash fan fiction enough that we'll actually be fortunate of making some because I really want to write fan fiction.

Isn't everyone just looking for an excuse to write some fan fiction. Like I guess I guess I need to do a patreon where we just write quantum I got to do it for the donors. Yeah I don't want to be right. Fan fiction. This Yahoo was sent in by level 700 Yahoo Shaman Drew Davenport. Thank you Druids by Yahoo Answers user Joe who asks Chris Angel versus Santa Claus. Who is more magical.

I don't want to ruin it but I'm going down through the dozens of responses to this question. Dozens of people who decided this is going to be worth their while. It is almost entirely Chris Angel almost all in Chris Angel's corner. Serious question. Yeah. If it was revealed that Chris Angel was some kind of like sucky incubus character some kind of actual like demon person would you be shocked at all. If he was some sort of Nephilim.

Yes if it turned out that he was like an agent of Mephistopheles and like had some unearthly powers. If it turned out he was an agent of Mr. Mephistopheles. If he was a Jellicle cat if it turned out that he was a Jellicle cat and ascended to the heavy time layer whatever it's called would you be shocked. Let me see I'm going to show you a trick. Hand me those sardines. Love them. I love these things.

I love them shits. Now watch this I'm going to put his sword through my belly. Look at that sand over there you see how smooth and not chunky that sand is. Check this out poopy poop poop poop. Sweet. Sweet. Did you like my magic. Check out that laser pointer.

Can I tell you guys something. This is truth. Yeah. When I was a young child I saw David Copperfield on TV performing his illusion of flight. Perhaps one of you could Wikipedia that to find out the exact year and the name of that special because it was something amazing but I watched his illusion of flight and in my young mind as a young boy I entertained seriously entertained for the span of a few days afterwards that David Copperfield may maybe maybe an angel.

I thought wait now don't laugh. No I'm going to fuck you. No I thought that David Copperfield in his special his flight 1990 1992. Perfect 12 that's exactly what I thought I was. And what was the name of that special do you do you have that on hand. The magic of David Copperfield 14 flying hyphen live the dream calm the fuck down David Copperfield name Davey. So I was so stumped by how he did this trick I entertained that he was an angel who has

was on earth to reconvince the people that miracles can happen. I thought that David Copperfield was perhaps an angel and that was the best explanation. Can I say like it being the 90s I'm amazed that that wasn't like a movie or a TV special or something where it's like you know who's popular right now that David Copperfield people love the angels and stuff so let's make it where he's really doing magic and solving crimes. That was that was actually the finale of the secrets of magic revealed that the masked magician was like putting everybody on blast like and here's the secret behind David Copperfield. He's a fucking angel guys like I fucking I've looked at that shit through every angle

and this guy's a motherfucking angel I have no idea why can't we see his halo that's the great magic trick he made that shit disappear he must have linked it with another ring and then pulled it off his fucking head. He actually had to set he had to give up his halo when he revealed his abilities to earth people. Is that how it works in my fan fiction? Yesterday my roommate of five plus years walked into our room and asked to borrow my nail clippers like it was the most normal thing in the world. I had two questions for you guys but first but the answers were real obvious is that okay? No. How do you say no to that? No you may not use my nail clippers. The real question at the root of this is how do I figure out what other weird stuff he thinks is normal and that's

from well please don't use my nail clippers in Pittsburgh. First off thanks for handling our light work. I don't think it's that weird. What? What? The nail clipper borrowing? Sorry what Travis? I know. I feel like I should but like I think if Brent in college had walked into my room and said like hey can I borrow your nail clippers I wouldn't have thought twice about it. I would have just handed it to her and said here you go good friend. Okay but when I use nail clippers I don't just like clip my nails. I get in there. Yeah. I get I mean I do some work in there some reconstructive work. Yeah you get out the the the speculum. That's one of the attachments isn't it? So is the fear that okay is the fear like a that their feet are so gross you're going to catch something from like

their fingernails. Does it Matt Travis why do I have to spell this out for you? Like there are nail clippers. Uh-huh. It's gross. Everything and you're worried about the feet I'm more worried about the hands because everything you ever touch including your butt hole is gonna get under there and then it's gonna get on there and then it's gonna get on your ship when you touch it. What kind of honey pots of items can you leave around the house just to see if he will pick them up and utilize them. And make yourself look like a chair as you like document it and be like okay use my toothbrush I need to move out. And now you're sitting on me. Jerked off on my china okay. It's not explicitly what that's for but wish you jerk off on your own china.

Why do we have two sets of china in our college apartment? I don't know one's real streaky. Folks thank you so much for listening to our podcast uh we we hope you've enjoyed recording it with us. Weird because I didn't do that. No they're all here with me they've just been really quiet. I'm on some meds there. All right it's out. I'm on some fucking meds. What are you on? Fucking quill. I've been sick for a week and a half I've become like a fucking cough syrup sommelier. I believe this is a this is a generic brand of Walgreens Dayquil and there's like an earthy sort of acetaminophen. Delicious I love it thank you. Thank you for listening to our show we hope you had fun. Um listen thank you to people on Twitter tweeting about the show. People like

Roller Girl, James Scowdy, Pewee, Scotty Moe, Hilary Fink, Neil, Louisa Herron, Taylor Bear, The Doctor, Diana Nock, Katie Shackelford, Chloe Sheff, R.J. Moore, Pluto, so many others. We really appreciate it. We're at NBNBAM on Twitter if you want to follow us there or tweet about the show or whatever. And just a heads up so you don't miss it. Tickets from XfunCon go on sale after Thanksgiving and they always sell out and it is always like the most fun time. It is a solid weekend of good time. You will never be more exhausted in your life than you are Sunday afternoon. So make sure to go get your tickets. It's gonna we can't tell you who's gonna be there like we don't even know yet. The lineup doesn't drop till after like long after tickets go on sale

but trust me it's always a solid lineup. Last year I think Michael Ian Black was there. Kyle Kanane was there two years ago. John Hodgman is like almost always there. Maria Banford it's always a solid lineup. I think Jesse tweeted that this is Max Fun boss Jesse Thorne. He tweeted that you would be well served to bring some farm wisdom with you. So take that how you said. I don't know what he meant by that. I think Camille and Emily from the indoor kids for their last year. They were and from what I understand killed it. There's classes, there's a comedy show, there's parties, you're going to make some new friends. You get to hang out with everybody who's there. It is like a solid good time. We love going. So make sure to get your tickets. Don't miss out.

And yeah it's you may be a trek for some people but it's once a year and it's worth it. It's a trek for everybody. It's at the top of the fucking mountain. It's at the goddamn throat of the world. Literally it is at the throat. There is a high school there called Throat of the World High School. Not Throat of the World. I think it is. What is it? Rim of the World, Top of the World, Rim of the World? Rim of the World sounds good. I think that world's rim. I think it's Fusarodah University. I would like to thank John Roderick and the Long Winters, both of them, for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album Putting the Days to Bed. If you haven't listened to that album in fullness, I feel like we still get tweets every week like,

oh man, this is a good CD. Yeah, no shit. I know. Also, why are you buying CDs? Yeah. I just went to Sam Goody and I'm listening to this great compact disc. Oh, I dropped my mic. We got a YouTube channel, youtube.com slash mbmbam. We just crossed 5,000 subscribers there and we want you to be 5,000 and change or whatever. Maybe be the 5,000 a month. I don't know if you like the videos. The best way to get the word out is to like share it on your Facebook or tweet about it. I keep seeing people who like the videos and say like, we're more people watching these because we need you to show them to people and I guarantee like there's so many shorts up now and if you haven't watched the animated videos that Tyler Crowley has been making,

they are the fucking best. Do we have a new one coming up this week? We do. There's a new one coming out Friday. You're gonna love it. Are we done? No, also check out all the other Max Fun shows. They're all great. Oh, yeah. Oh, hey, we're doing a live show in Huntington. Yeah. You go to bit.ly4 slash candle nights live and you can get tickets to see my brother, my brother, and me. I know we sold over half the tickets. They are selling briskly, I would say. I think that's fair to say. They're selling briskly so you want to go pick those up. They're just 15 bucks. Sawbones will be opening for my brother, my brother, and me so you can get two podcasts at the price of one. It's a holiday special titled The Magic of the McElroy Brothers 14

Flying Live the Dream. So you don't want to miss that. We got people coming in. I just found out, I saw a tweet about it coming down from Delaware, coming down from New Jersey, and coming in from Pennsylvania. So like this may be the biggest tourism event Huntington has ever had. We have people coming in from Canada and Switzerland. Yeah. So that's pretty cool. No pressure. No pressure. Just like get there. And that's going to do for us. Cool, cool, cool. Can you have one last Yahoo question? I do. This finally Yahoo is sent in by Rachel Spurling. Thank you again, Rachel. It's by Yahoo Answers user Greg who asks, was Jeremy Pearl Jam arrested for the stuff he did in the video?

I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. It's with my brother, my brother, me. Get your bad school wear on the lips. Hi, my name is Dave and my name is Grail. Now what do we have to do to put you in a brand new podcast today? Yeah. What do you want me to drink bleach? I'll do it. Yeah, Dave will drink bleach. If that's what it takes to get you to listen to Stop Podcasting Yourself on MaximumFun.org. Don't make Dave drink bleach. Just listen to the show. He will, but don't make him. Stop podcasting yourself.