My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 228: Sex Draculas

Episode Date: December 1, 2014

You can't afford this Nana. I'm sorry - it's just way out of your price range. But with patience, hard work and a little luck, we can turn this busted Nana into the Nana of your dreams! Believe in the brothers. Suggested talking points: Star Wars Watch, Time Travel Comedian, TP Thief, Nana Property Brothers, The Truth About Birds and Snakes, Private Selfies, Vamp Fiction Vamping

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother. My brother being an advice show for the modern era at Star Wars Watch 2014. I'm Justin McElroy, your oldest brother and most seasoned Jedi master. I'm Travis McElroy, your most meta-chlorian brother. And I'm Baby Greedo, look at me go, doing some crime, everybody hopping around my spaceship.

I think Griffin's already touched on it, but we all have just watched the Star Wars trailer, the teaser trailer, and I think the biggest surprise is the baby versions of so many of the characters. So many characters are baby versions. Which is weird, because it's not a prequel, is it? But Griffin, is it weird? Because if you think about it, it is related to the hints in studios, the Muppets. That's a good point. Muppet baby, Star Wars babies. Shit, shit, shit. And also Rodian's age in reverse. Exactly. Did I ever tell you the story about when I was showing off to my then girlfriend, who would later become my wife, Rachel, about all my Star Wars knowledge, and I was telling

her all about Transdotions, and Wookiee Bowcasters, and then she asked me when her birthday was, and I got it, I was off by a day. I got that one wrong. I'm a pile of garbage. That's the other big surprise, that big pile of garbage. Yeah, and sending a pile of garbage from the trailer was something that really surprised me, grimchum, the living pile of garbage. I was surprised that they brought back Pizza the Hut, because they ate himself in the last movie. They're going to have to do some nifty storytelling acrobatics to get them themselves. Yeah, I did enjoy the cameo by Barf. It's all holograms, I'm assuming.

Oh, Justin, thanks for reminding us. Oh, sorry, if you are not living with the fact that John Candy's demise every day in your heart, then I don't think you're a true fan. I don't think you're Candyhead. I was surprised to find out that part of the movie would be taking place on Earth in the present. That was weird, like the whales are fine, guys, you don't need to save them again. I didn't get the part where Ron Solo, which is Han Solo's brother, went down on a lightsaber. Did anybody else get that part? There was like a 45 second stretch there in the trailer, where it's just like, and it's just like partied on it. And it's weird because you think about it, and it's a hot, light laser. And that would kill him, but it didn't seem to

have any effect. I feel like they're just like fucking playing Calvin Ball with their lightsabers now. They're just making shit up now. They're just putting lightsabers on everything, too. It's just, give me the one. I'm still blown away. Every time I see just the one come out, I'm like, you don't have, I don't need seven on one boy. I don't need it on a key chain. That's what I keep waiting for is a lightsaber key chain. It is real. It's fiction. I wish that they in like mag lights, where in Star Wars, they had the big lightsabers, and then they had the little lightsabers for just the tiny jobs. That's, you know, we're joking, but you know, that's going to be the next trailer. You have a light dagger? Yeah, I think he's the most evil jedi that ever lived, and then he pulls

out a giant lightsaber, and the beam is like the size of a bus, and he's like, fucking what's up now? I'm going to win every sword fight because I've got a bussaber. Fuck. And it weighs nothing because it's light. We're all just making shit up now, so guess what? My lightsaber is a planet. Oh, I win the fight. Why can't they have a lightsaber that's like a football field log that sweeps it around and kills everybody? As long as we're able to run into it. As long as we're making shit up, why does baby Greedo even have a lightsaber? Rodians can't have metachlorians. I don't want to be racist, but Rodians can have metachlorians is bullshit. You have to be careful about making sweeping statements like that, I found, because no matter what sort of bullshit you want to rule out,

someone will come to you and say, actually, in the extended fiction, there's been several instances of Greedoans. Fuck that, bug-faced little monsters. They don't get lightsabers. Transitions neither. Again, I hate to cast dispersions. Can you only use the lightsaber if you can wield the force? I think so, although I'm sure there's some EU shit for that too. I mean, Ron Solo can use it, and he's not a force user, but I would say he's using it wrong. Decidedly wrong. He's not using it to battle the Sith. He's using it to practice his gag reflex suppression. Now, Griffin, I saw on Twitter that you wanted to speak up about vibroblades. Did you have something to add there? Is there something you wanted to say about vibroblades?

I'm just saying they're super tight and that they are more realistic, I think arguably, than lightsabers are. And it's just a part of the fiction that we haven't fucking completely explored. Put a vibroblade on X-Trailer, people freak the fuck out. You don't have to keep upping your lightsaber game. Is a vibroblade just a vibrating blade? Like one of those serrated turkey carvers? It's exactly like that. That's basically just that but longer. That's badass. And for Wampa. You use them on a Wampa. How come nobody ever eats Wampa? It's stupid. Actually, the extended fiction. Can we please go and do questions? There's a Wampa chef. Let's do specializes in cooking Wampa related dishes. This season on Wampa Chef.

I'm Wampa boss. Let's help people for once. A friend of mine recently started doing stand-up comedy. Duda scheduling conflicts have yet to see her act. But just this week, we were joking around and she casually ripped off a bit from a stand-up special we had watched just the week before. I highly suspect she's ripping off other acts on the reg. Do I bring it up or let her dig her own grave? She's not a really good friend. Of comedic charlatanism in California. Cool, cool, cool. Sounds like neither of you are especially good friends. I feel like before you do anything, you have to go see your fucking act, of course. Yeah. And then if she starts doing a Chetburg joke, you can stand up and say, like, Jacques Hughes. She gets up there and she's like,

hey, have you all, I've been thinking about this for a long time. And I think that there's seven curse words. You'd be like, sit down. You're done. That would actually be really great though, if you got up there and you're like, here's seven curse words. Fanny. And Fanny could be one of them. Barra. Barra. Back. You guys may not remember this, but there was this Christian youth leader that used to make the rounds. I won't name him because I don't want to bring shame upon his house and his fine work. But this guy was like a big hit with like the youth. The youth love this guy. And he would do these, he would do these bits. He did a lot of comedy, a lot of comedy bits. And at one point, and this would have been like early 90s, late 80s, he started doing

here's your sign bit. Now, now I have to keep in mind, this is pre blue collar, pre all that stuff. Bill Ingall is just a young guy that my dad had seen on like evening at the improv kind of stuff. So at the Apollo. Yeah. And at the Apollo, dad had seen him there and he started and he's in his seat like getting livid. He keeps whispering to me like, this is not his stuff. Literally, dad goes to him after he does like the, the prime time, everybody come to Jesus like, come on, let's get right with the Lord thing. Dad goes up to him afterwards, afterwards, after that, he's like literally praying and crying with with pregnant teens that want to get the right life right with the Lord. And dad's like,

Hey, have you ever ever heard of Bill Ingall? You fuck. You fucking dip shit asshole. God, no, he was mad. You're doing good work, but you're doing it in a bad way. You fucking creep. Being Bill Ingall has worked for every dollar he's earned until he makes God gave Bill Ingall those jokes first. Yeah. Then you steal him out of being a billing walls. God came to him, low, like a burning bush. He was like, yo, come here, check this out. It's like, it's like they have signs, Bill. And they, the signs tell everybody how dumb they are. Bill, the burning bush. Here's your sign. This is such a, this is such a sticky wicket, because she was in casual conversation with you

and she quote unquote stole a gag. I don't think that that's the same thing as like using it in an act and passing it off. It's a hundred percent not the same thing. No, it's not, right? It's definitely not. But we do this comedy show here and I, there have, and I don't know if you guys have ever done this, I will sometimes listen to a past episode or someone like mentioned on Twitter like, Hey, you know, that's funny that this other guy did that exact joke. Like, Oh my God, I, it had been buried in my psyche and then it reemerged purporting to be a new creation, unique special snowflake. Yeah, you got to go see the show. And then I think afterwards, you know what, or don't like, maybe just don't, what do you care? What does that matter? Why would

you get into that fucking awkward black cesspool of a conversation from which there can beat that, that, that, that, that, that, that oratory lebrea tar pit of that conversation. If you did not have to, there is no reason for you to wait into this motherfucker. Best case scenario, there's no issue. But like every other case scenario after that is you having to say something or you knowing something and not saying something or trying to find a way to say, and it's all just awful. One time I was at a comedy show here in Austin that was just like a, like stand up open mic thing. And this dude got up there and started making all these really horrible jokes. He was talking about that driver who like crashed into a crowd at South by Southwest

and killed like six people that happened like two days before. Cool, cool, cool, great job, dude. But then he started ripping off jokes from the daily show, which seems like a weird place to rip it off from because fucking everybody watches that. And he talked about the plane crash that happened and how those kids called that news station and said the pilot's name was we too low and like all that shit. And he just like did that as if it was his own goof. And I heard a guy in the back of the crowd just go, fuck you. And that's probably the best possible way to call somebody out on this. That's one way of dealing with it. Someone told us on Twitter that they saw a stand up comedian in Austin who had been doing some of my brother and my brother and me classic goofs.

And then they said they saw you at a restaurant later that same night. So it was very, it was a very strange experience. I don't go to places where anyone can touch my food besides me, but I saw that tweet and I thought about which of our bids could fucking possibly translate over to Hey guys, have you ever noticed how orb the horse? Am I right? Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. What's up with old people gum? People with a nasty gum? That should. Dorp. Dorp. Anybody got a door? Here's your sign. Fucking here's your horse's ghost. Babe, where are you guys at? That's what our show sounds like to us. Rodion's don't get no lightsabers.

Put that lightsaber down. And that fucking classic Rodion lightsaber dude. Fucking everyone's nipping at our heels. They're ripping off bits that we haven't even posted yet from earlier in the show. Inception. Frankenstein's dick. Holy shit. That was from our candlelight episode. I've become dislodged from time stream. Frankenstein's dick. You guys want a yahoo? Yeah. Accidentally made my mom and dad break up. I'm fading away. Ghost horses. Do you guys want a yahoo? Help. Getting hard to see. This yahoo was. Translucent. This yahoo was sent in by level 44 yahoo shaman drew Davenport. Thank you,

Drew Davenport. It's by yahoo answers user. They've been suspended. But when they existed, they asked, what do you think Frankenstein's dick looked like? They asked, I tend to steal people's toilet paper when I go to their houses. Not really a question, but I have tried to stop, but find that I can't. It gives me an adrenaline rush. Wait, it's not about Frankenstein's dick? No. I have tried to stop, but find that I can't. It gives me an adrenaline rush. I feel I may move on to more explicit and vast bathroom materials. What do I do to stop? Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on. This person's not getting a rush from the theft of it. They're getting a rush because it's toilet paper and therefore explicit to them.

And they're saying like, I'm going to steal dirtier and dirtier things. No, I think it's the thievery that's really doing it for them. But they're going to move on to more explicit and vast. I don't know what that means, but I think it could probably describe them. My brother, my brother and me catalog at this point. Fair. Do you think they mean like I'm going to steal like bigger? I'm going to steal like towels and the shower curtain. No, probably like soaps and then maybe pills and then maybe tampos. See, but that's the thing. This question would be a thousand percent different if the question was, I tend to steal pills from my friend's medicine cabinets. Okay, great. Like this is an issue that I steal toilet paper and then you're just a dick.

Are you? It's a victimless crime, except for the victim. It is not. I know exactly how many rolls of toilet paper were in my home at all times. That's bullshit. That's not true. You know how you've hurt me in a half. Okay. Have you ever heard that like some cultures only have words for like one, two and a whole bunch? Like they just don't have words for, because they have no need for like numbers. So they don't have words for like higher numbers. Like in China, there's never four of something. That's well, it's considered bad luck, but I think that there are really only two numbers of, well, okay, three numbers of toilet paper you can have. You can have none. You can have one or you can have plenty. I don't even think about it until I'm like

ethically bound to not buy toilet paper. I cannot see when I have two rolls of toilet paper. You don't possess the site. I do not possess a site to see a number of toilet paper rolls beyond one, none or plenty. Where do you stop hoarding toilet paper? Like at two, at three, at four, pretty soon you just have like a closet full of toilet paper. I think that that is why we as human beings can only fathom buying more toilet paper when we're down to the last roll. It's true. Right, because it's a slippery slope. Yeah, otherwise you panic and you're just like, it's on sale. Yeah, cube, cube, cube, and you just buy like cube after cube of toilet paper. We're talking in circles here. We got to get back to the hard of the matter because how is this person doing this?

Are they going the full roll? If that's the case, how do they get it on their person? I was thinking about that too, logistically. Yeah, do you take it all off the roll and shove it in your pockets and then leave the house with it because that feels less like a crime. Maybe you've got a cold. You know what I mean? Could you wrap yourself in it and then put your clothes on over at the undermummy because you do it undermummy. And that's good. It protects you against the elements and bullets and bullets. A lot of people don't know that. Isn't it amazing? I think that like toilet paper is like time lord technology because on the roll, it's so compact. But then when you take it off the roll, I feel like it would take up so much room. You'd have to like pretend to be

pregnant and your friends are like, you weren't pregnant when you got here, were you? Like, yes. Yes, I was like 1000% was. I sat on a toilet seat where somebody did a naughty thing. And I got instant pregnant. I got super pregnant very fast. I think that this is fine. You think it's fine? You think it's fine? Yeah. I think it's fine. That's a pretty bold statement, Griffin. I think you would say not the weirdest thing we've talked about. I'll give that to you. Okay, but you know what? Again, I go back to the same issue. If you stole someone's roll of toilet paper, that's a victimless crime. If you steal the last roll of toilet paper, your history is the greatest monster. But okay, yes. But

how hard is it to buy toilet paper? We're not going to find it. It's not very hard to buy toilet paper, right? Whatever. I do it all the time. I do it every day. It's a bit embarrassing when it's the only thing you buy. Yeah, I'll give you that. And then it gets more embarrassing when you buy one other thing because then you're saying, this thing is going to make me shit. Yeah, sure. But it's suntan lotion. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know, man. We'll figure it out. Maybe we'll put it on an English muffin. It's not hard to buy toilet paper, right? But the thrill that this person gets, they don't get from anything else. So even if I knew that my friend was coming to my house and stealing my toilet paper, just knowing how happy it made them, it would be fine.

As long as it didn't get more explicit and vast. I think that your friend's going to have a talk with you like, keep it. Don't go chasing waterfalls. I need you to stick to the TP, my friend. Pretty soon you're going to have to put up a sign. This is like, all bags must be checked at the front door. Like, I don't trust you to take your backpack into the bathroom. I think that's actually what the song Waterfalls was about. Have you guys ever done anything like this? Stolen somebody's toilet paper? Well, because I have, in my younger poorer days, I stole a roll of toilet paper from a business job type. Oh, yeah. Oh, fucking, I'll rob a business. Blind. Forget about it. Okay. Because that is a big house and you see that, that giant roll. Like, oh, you. Oh, you card. Do you

need a couple dollars? How tight are times? Um, next question. Next question. My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years when we first started dating. We both lived in the same city as his extended family. Now we live on the other side of the country and we moved in together six months ago. Christmas is coming up soon and I want him to meet my extended family. They live about five hours from his hometown, but oh my God, this is like algebra. Okay. But he says it doesn't make sense for him to go to there. He doesn't have a lot of money and won't have access to his own car to drive. I'm going to be borrowing my father's car to see him and his family on new years. How can I convince him that meeting my Nana is important to me without creating resentment on

the other end? I wish it was from originally from Ohio. Just like point of order. All we needed was that last sentence of, uh, because the crux of this question is how to, how to really sell your Nana. And that's, I didn't need all that maths is all I'm saying because I got, it got confused and I got angry. How do I make my Nana seem like the newest, hottest thing? Can you spruce up your Nana? How do you keep your Nana fresh for the 2014 season? Call the property brothers. Call the property brothers. They're going to put an I-beam in your Nana. It gives it a real rustic. Travis appreciated that property brother's joke. We gave your mother exposed beams. Listen, you broke motherfucker. You can't afford this Nana. We're going to buy you a shitty Nana and we're going to

fix her up. Hey, my name is Gladys. You fucking suck. Yeah, but just, but just check this out. And look here on our back, heated tiles. Now you would think that that would be out of your price range, but we saved it by not getting her feet. No, I know you want this, this particular granite for your Nana's countertops, but we don't think it makes sense just fiscally. So we're going to get her some cheaper stuff. We also put a skylight into this new Nana and that did kill her. That was the thing that killed her. That was on us, but the lap still works. Check out this lap. So if I'm understanding this correctly, when they moved in together, they lived in the same town. So she's met his extended family. Oh yeah. And now they live only five hours away

from her extended family. He doesn't think it makes sense. You got to do it. I mean, I know it's, I kind of get where he's coming from, but it's like important. Like three years is a long time for him to not have met your family, right? Well, I think this is specifically just, I think this is specifically extended family because he's not saying mom and dad talking extended family. Now here's the thing that bear with me here. There is a play you could do, and it is that you are town. You do our town. I realize it's the importance of family. That's a right smart Nana you got there. That's my all gathered underneath the Nana nut tree. You just got to say something along the lines of we don't know how much longer she'll be. Oh, don't do that.

I know. I know. That is a Nana curse. If I ever heard one Travis, I do not know why you convinced this question ask her to curse their Nana. Fair enough. It's a Nana curse. In three days she'll be dragged. You don't pour this Nana to someone else. Man, this Nana's really taken a beating in this question, huh? We have fucking done everything to this Nana. I feel like what you really need to do is just explain to them that this is important to you. Yeah. And like, yeah, have you tried that? Like, as I get older, I'm more into this like whole direct communication thing. And I love a good scam and good grift as much as the next person. But maybe just say, hey, this would mean a lot to me. Yeah, boyfriend, because that's the thing is you probably feel like

you've had the conversation, but there's a lot of talking around that you could do. And I feel like if you just say like, Hey, this is important. And he still is like, now I will say that it does sound like if he doesn't have a car and he doesn't have the money, this isn't this doesn't strike me as the boyfriend saying, no, I don't really want to. Like, it's a boyfriend saying, literally, I can't. There is no way. So take that into account because this is probably is important. It is something that matters, but it may just not be the right time for it. You could do it anytime of the year if you're only five hours away. Pop on a bus. Yeah. So maybe Christmas isn't the time maybe you wait a couple of months till he can afford it or you have a

car that you can drive him up for. And then you do it. I'm saying there's probably going to be a nano bound super bus that you can hop on and it's going to cost you $3 and you're going to have Wi-Fi the entire way there. And but it's just going to be you on the bus because it's a magic bus that goes directly to your Nana's house. How about your Nana comes down and meets him? Yeah, how hard of stopping so lazy. What the fuck? God, you're a lazy man. Meet me halfway Nana. Brothers. My boyfriend's mother recently learned she would be receiving a sizable inheritance. I think it's around 30 K. God damn. Yeah. And has decided to spend it by taking my boyfriend, myself, her, her other son, her wife, her, a bunch of people on a big family vacation. Awesome.

Except the last time I spoke to her, she was trying to devise between two possibilities. The Grand Canyon and Hawaii. Now, brothers, I'm not an outdoor person. I have absolutely no interest in a Grand Canyon vacation. I would love to go to Hawaii. But I know that Hawaii would be significantly more expensive, especially in terms of paying for my boyfriend and myself. As we live on the East Coast and the flights will be twice as much for anyone else on the trip. Would it be impolite to express my strong preference? Should I let her take whatever vacation she prefers with her money? And that's from craving beaches over canyons in Washington, DC. This is a really good question. And this is a great question. My first counter question

is what is your problem with the Grand Canyon? It rules. It's giant, it's made of rocks, and I've never been there. But I imagine it would blow your tiny mind. Now, Travis, I don't think you're the best person to weigh in on this question, because if I remember correctly, you were the man who wouldn't drive four hours out of his way to see the Grand Canyon. Now, to be fair, Justin, I had a dog and a cat with me. It was the whole thing. It was going to be a whole deal. We would have had to take them with us. And it was like day seven of our cross country trip. What is your problem with the Grand Canyon? It's a big hole. It's just a big hole. I maybe, maybe fill up with water and let me swim in you. Lake. And then we'll talk. Can I? Grand Canyon is a shitty lake. It's a

shitty dry lake. Wait, we've really turned around on the Grand Canyon since the beginning of this question. This is the very definition of a win-win scenario, because if she chooses Hawaii, awesome. You are going to have a fucking sitcom special episode, and it's going to be amazing, and you're going to love it. You're going to be the best team ever. Go to the Grand Canyon. Going to save a lot of money. Probably only going to spend maybe five G's on that, right? Getting there. That leaves 25 G's of this inheritance left over. I have to be very delicate with my next few sentences, because I don't want to implicate myself in anything. But as I see it, if you want this inheritance to kick your way, you've got maybe six or seven people standing in the way, and the Grand Canyon,

while a shitty lake, gotta be so careful, so carefully here, is if things, let me think, Jesus Christ, things that fall into it will pick up, let's call it, a fatal amount of inertia. Now, I'm not saying anything about mirrored or most foul, but I am saying how quickly can you push six or seven people? All I'm saying, win-win scenario. I'm not saying murder these people if you go to the Grand Canyon, but how much, how bad do you want this money? Here is one thing. Now, when you don't decide to push them into the Grand Canyon, don't do that. I'm saying when you don't do that, when you don't do that and get them all on a line and push them into the Grand Canyon, I cannot caution you enough against losing your nerve halfway through.

That's no good. Nothing good will come of that. We're not saying any of that. I'm saying I saw a YouTube video of somebody throwing seven watermelons into the Grand Canyon, and they did not even come close to surviving the fall. I'm also saying that watermelons are the most human-like fruit, and that's all I'm going to say. That's just where I stand on the matter. Do you know what this question asker did wrong? What's that? They're opportunity for this, not the other thing, but when you were talking with your boyfriend's mother, why didn't you say it then? Why weren't you like, oh, Hawaii would be great?

Well, no, because I get it. It's her fucking money. You are not a member of the family. You are dating a member of the family, so it is super not your place to be like. No, but the loophole is that it's not like she said Grand Canyon, and you said, oh, how about Hawaii? Like she said either Grand Canyon or Hawaii. All you had to do was like, oh, Hawaii sounds fun, or the Grand Canyon either way, but Hawaii, I've always wanted to go there. Because it's her 30 stacks. She gets to make the call. Hawaii is, I feel like once you pay for the Grand Canyon trip, it's pretty much paid for. Once you go to Hawaii, though, I feel like you're just begging for upsells.

But what about burrows? I think you're gonna be upsold a lot. What? What about burrows? You gotta pay for the burrows. Burrow rental? Yeah, very cold donkeys. You gotta get the audio to her. That was a shitty joke over here as a whole. Thank you, Griffin.

No, a lot of people give us shit for not recognizing your good jokes, and I'm trying to get better about that, but that also means I'm going to call you out when you do a fucking terrible joke. No, because it's burrow. Shut, shut, stop it. She's a chili donkey. Burrow? I'm going tonight, bro.

Three words, people. Chili donkey. Two... Two other words, free snacks. Fatal inertia. Two more words, free snacks. We're going to give you the chance to get free snacks. Potato chips aren't good for you.

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Come on. Just pay for it yourself. It's time to hit Daddy with a taste of the crunch. So what's that address again? Cause I missed it. Naturebox.com slash my brother. Perfect, I'll try that. Can I talk about Prosper?

Please. Sure. Travis usually does it. And I feel like people are just ready for something new. Oh. Just saying you're 2008 or 2000 late. Shit, 2008 is 2000 and late now, isn't it? God damn.

You're 2000 and gore teen on 2014. Stop being so gore teen. Guys, listen. There just aren't a lot of good ways to borrow money when you need it. Oh, 2000 and snort teen, fuck. If you need money, you're basically screwed nowadays and bad news, you always need money.

But you can get a low fixed rate loan at prosper.com. How it works is this. You say, I need this mini dollars. It can be up to $35,000, basically infinity dollars. And then people will come and invest in your loan and then you'll get their money. I was waiting for Travis to confirm that that is correct. Oh, that is correct.

Nailed it, got it in one. So yeah, it doesn't have to be $35,000, but that seems like a pretty good sum to me. You can check your low rate instantly without affecting your credit. If you go to prosper.com slash my brother. And if you get a loan through prosper, you can get a $50 Visa gift card with your loan.

And you can spend that on whatever the fuck you want. It's not like a cracker barrel gift card that you can only spend at cracker barrel. It's just- You could spend it at cracker barrel. Actually, I'm sorry, I'm reading the fine print here. Explicitly, you can't spend it at cracker barrel. But anywhere else that is not a good time country food store,

you just feel free. Justin, we hit this disclaimer. Yes, I will be reading this in a character that I am creating in the moment called Christopher Lloyd, but also Kramer and possibly Richard Nixon. Well, this is just going to be terrible. Other restrictions apply. See site for program and visa prepaid card details.

All personal loans are made by Web Bank, a Utah chartered industrial bank member FDIC. Equal opportunity lender. Great Jerry. Great Jerry, I am not a crook. Oh fuck, I got a message for Alan Michael. Is it from Queen Elizabeth? It says Alan Michael first name.

What is that? Is the person's name Alan Michael? And then his last name is first name. Man, they really fucked the pooch on this one, didn't they? This is not like a library card where you- Queen Elizabeth says to Alan Michael, hey old man, what better way to wish you the happiest of birthdays

than having the brothers do it for me? You're the greatest man in the world, holy shit. And I hope you enjoy this because it's by far my favorite gift you'll get. I'm sure yours too. If Griffey wrote you a jingle though, this message would be put to shame. Love you tons, love your bottom bitch.

Well, I can't guys, I don't have the music anymore. Also, I've got a sneeze caught in my nose too and it's like really fucking throwing me off. And I don't think I can, hold on, let me try. No fuck this sneeze though. Sorry everyone, I let you down. This next message- I got a message.

Oh wow, sympathy. Happy birthday Alan Michael, Michelle. Yeah, happy birthday Alan Michael. We hope it's a great one Alan Michael. You're the greatest man in the world. You're the greatest living man you bottom bitch. He's actually top bitch, I would assume. Is that how it works?

I don't understand, I don't understand baby. I don't know the lingo. I got a message for Julian from Brian and Samford and Kate and Katie and Lilla. Maybe Lillia. I don't know. Lillia. Happy birthday to the finest playwright ever

to sit around in his Walter White's. A man with more character than a waddle of Dinklage's. It's actually a- It's a murder of Dinklage's, is the- It's a murder of Dinklage's, yes. A converter of dozens to the church of McRoy. I know Griffin stopped writing jingles, but perhaps a reprise of birthday town

for such a leader of Mbim-Bini is in order. An anachronistic rendition of griffinspacejam.com. Happy birthday. It's fucking sneeze. It's my curse. It's guy, I'm going to take it with me to my grave. I'm going to be on my deathbed like, here it comes. Beep.

Ha ha ha ha. Achoo. God bless you, son. God bless you. I saw the light. I saw the light. Do you guys want to know something about bottom bitch? What's up?

Bottom bitch is the one girl that Pimp reserves for himself or the player's favorite girl. So while it seems like a derogatory term, seems like you want to be bottom bitch. Yeah. Well, depends on the Pimp, doesn't it? Well, isn't that always the case, Griffin? Can I blow my note?

So happy birthday. Happy birthday? Can I guess? Can I guess? Happy birthday, Alan, Michael, and Julian. Today we are all bottom bitches. I got to blow my nose or I'm going to fucking die. Hey, Ross.

Hey, Carrie. Hey, it's me, your co-host. Oh yeah, we have a show, don't we? Oh, we have a show. Oh, no, Ross and Carrie. Oh, no, Ross and Carrie. It's about undercover investigations of fringe groups. Yeah, like the Tony Alamo Ministry's cult.

Yep, that's led by a pedophile. He's in jail. He's in jail. Also, we became Mormons. We became Raylians, which is a UFO group. That's right. We joined the Ordo-Templi Orientis. Yes, the 9-Eleven Truthers.

We got cupped. We got acupunctured. We got rakey. We've pretty much anything that you've heard of and been like, that doesn't sound quite right. We've done that. So you don't have to do it. So if you want to hear about this, and you should,

then go to maximumfun.org. .org. This Yahoo was sent in by Rachel Sperling, Game Recognize The Game, Rachel Sperling. Crushed it this week, again. Is Rachel Sperling just the game now? Rachel Sperling, I mean, it's hard to say, right? Because I don't want to throw shade at my precious Drew.

But Rachel Sperling, I'm just saying, watch the throne. That's all I'm saying. Just don't let her into the zone. Do not let her into her zone. Thank you, Rachel Sperling. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Holden Cawfield. Holden Cawfield asks, do snakes and birds ever make love to each other when scientists aren't looking?

I know birds are real. Oh, OK, next question. I know birds are really closely related to reptiles. Does that mean they sometimes get intimate with each other? Or are they so closely related that it would count as incest? That doesn't make any fucking sense. The rest, the stuff before it did. But you lost me at that part.

Also, if a bird and a snake were to crossbreed, would the offspring be flying snakes? Yes, that's where Quetzalcoatl came from. Read the literature. Please help. It's for a bet I'm having with my friend, Holden Cawfield. Now, to be fair, if it is a male, then it is a flying snake, Quetzalcoatl.

If it is a female, it is a cockatrice. Is that how it works? Yes. It's weird because you think it would. And I don't want to go blue here, but you would think it would be the other way around. Well, but they called it a cockatrice before. They understood that that was the principle.

So they thought all animals were male until they decided to be female, because scientists used to be really super dumb. What about a rock? Is there a snake in there at all? No, it's just a stone, Griffin. You shut up. I bet that different animals probably fuck all the time

when we're not watching, right? This question is specific when scientists aren't watching. Because that's all they'll believe. Well, you would think, no, that's a problem, though, is that we're all fucking narks, aren't we? Like, if I was in the woods and I turned a corner and it was like, that's the sound of a snake in a burp fucking, I'd be like, I need a scientist over here, right?

Like, I would nark them out in a second. Someone give me a scientist. I would Instagram that, and then I would send it to all my scientist buddies, right? This person is basically just describing a deviant version of Toy Story. What in what? No, they're not at all.

Scientists turn their backs, and the snakes and birds start fucking. Toy Story 4. Toy Story 4, snakes and birds, getting it on. Day 78, I've been watching the bird and the snake constantly without fail. So far, nothing is. My pin's out of ink.

Hold on, I'll be right back. Hold on, let me see. Oh, man. Oh, thank god. Why are they both sitting there smoking cigarettes? What is that? There's nothing that gets birds and snakes hornier than being watched by scientists for prolonged periods of time.

Yeah. Hey, he's out of the room. You want to do this? I don't know. I don't know. I just, can I just, a really quick question? And I'm no scientist as we've established, because I could watch a bird and the snake fuck.

But, is the snakes come? Do you mean jism? Is the snakes just basically just little snakes? What? If you think about it. Slythering, hithering, y'all. If a snake win a snake, because they have to, right? If a snake.

No, snakes have to. Win a snake. There are more snakes. There are always more snakes. Win a snake. Could you with a snake? Win a snake jisms. It's just little snakes, right?

I always thought that's what was coming out of their fangs. Oh, my god. That's horrifying. That's just really bad. Not only am I now dying of venom, but also eww. Ew, gross. Suck the venom out. No.

No. I'm actually cool. Give me a bird. A bird will snuck this snake's venom out. You know how those dirty birds do? Don't let there be a scientist around. If a snake looks at a bird and thinks, I'm going to fuck that, is that the same as if a human looks at a dog and is like,

I'm going to fuck that? Well. Is that equivalent? Will you be shunned from snake society for birdiality? I'd rather not consider it. I'm seeing if you eat it when you're done. If you unhint your jaw and eat the bird, you just consummated your love with.

I mean. You could convince him it was like a long game. That's pretty sweet, I guess. Seeing a lot of responses, a lot of very level-headed responses to this audience. A bird and a snake cannot biologically crossbreed. They are two completely different species. The egg would never get fertilized.

Hey, you fucking bigot. Not all sex has to be for breeding. They may just be doing it for fun. That sounds like a scientist to me. And that's why you will never witness their love. And it's amazing. That's why you don't get to watch a bird and a snake fuck. You close-minded shit.

We uneducated few get to see the magic and the majesty that is a bird and a snake fucking. And let me tell you, it is glorious. And I don't know if that had been a lyric in that ICP tune. Did you ever see a bird and a snake fuck? That's actually where the phrase ignorance is blitz came from is because when you're ignorant, you get to see that sexy shit.

Do you think it's more likely that a male snake would fuck a female bird or that a female snake would fuck a male bird? Oh, that's a toughie, Travis. Hey, why can't it be a male bird and a male snake? Do you ever think there's ever been a committed bird snake couple that were living with someone who was in a science discipline? And then they graduated and got a job in science.

And then they said, listen, this isn't working out. We got to go. We can no longer observe us. You can't observe us anymore. I'm sorry. You should have thought this before you got so into science. Every so often, people email us or tweet at us and ask us if we're really stoned when we record episodes.

I cannot stress enough that we are not. I wish we were. You're not. I'm stoned on coffee. That's it. You want another question? Yep. Then let me use the bathroom.

God damn it. My friend went through a breakup with her long time boyfriend this past summer. And since then, she's been texting me mass amounts of selfies every day. I don't want to be insensitive or mean, but it makes you really uncomfortable. If she's still having a hard time, I want to be there for her.

But I have no idea how to respond to her constant duck face pictures. What should I do? That's from Jen in Chicago. Holy shit. What makes this so weird is that she's sending them directly to you. Like if it was just her posting a bunch on Instagram

and Facebook and Twitter, it's like, OK, fine. Great. Why is she sending them to you? Look at me here. And look at me here. Look at me here. And what my mouth can do. This is my face again.

Did you forget? Did you forget what I look like? Look how happy I am. I bet that's it. I bet it's that. Look at me. I'm having a good time without him. Look how happy I am.

I'm so OK. Yeah. Which has to be true. I've never heard of anybody sending people selfies directly. Is this a thing? I don't know. If it's a thing, it's what? What are you guys laughing at?

Oh, Griffin. Griffin is just selfie-dose. Guys. I'm going to get a quick screen cap. Uh-oh. Get this out to the people. Oh, that's not. I don't look good in that one.

I don't look internet good in that picture. I look text to my brothers on a Sunday morning good. Is there any kind of text associated with these selfies that she's saying like, this is me having fun on the bar. This is me in front of the Eiffel Tower. Or is she just like face-face-face-face-face? How did you get to France that quickly? You just sent me a selfie from the Grand Canyon

two hours ago. You're amazing. You're incredible. You're a time walker. I don't understand why this is happening. Like, this goes beyond all cultural things that I understand about the internet. Is this like my old man moment?

Is this like when it falls apart for me? Because I don't understand why people send pictures of each other. No, I'm not telling you why. Because this is your old man moment. I'm willing to, because the question asker asked. So it's like, OK, great. This is weird to you two. Like, this is weird to the question

asker as well as being weird to probably everyone listening. So here's my advice. You should ask her why she's doing this. Just ask her. Yeah. Like, ask her for us, just so we know. Because I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight. Because the next time she sends one, just say, hey, this is great.

But I notice you're sending a lot of selfies. What's up? Why is this? If I got nice pictures of my friends, I wouldn't be complaining. I love my friends, and I love looking at them. At what point, Griffin, does it become too much? Oh, never.

Send me a picture. You guys never send me pictures of yourselves. I find myself fucking forgetting what you look like. I know one of you has a beard, and one of you doesn't. Does one of you have glasses? That's the best you've got? That's all that I've got. Because you fucks won't send me pictures of you.

I forget what I've got. Is this any pictures of my baby? Yeah, that's not you, is it? I can look at that and say, what if that was a boy that was like 45 years older? I'm just saying, this seems like a nice service. I wish my friend, I don't use Facebook anymore. Because fucking, all that my Facebook wall is,

is videos of people popping big pimples. Thanks Facebook, and thanks you sick fucks who use Facebook. Right, I can't do it anymore, because it's so terrible. So I don't know what my friends look like, or my brothers or family. Send me pictures of yourselves every day. I don't think that's too much to ask. I think this is a very sweet gesture.

Y'all want a yahoo? Yes, that would be excellent. Let's try this yahoo out. I was sent in by Rachel Sperling. Game, recognize game, thank you. Rachel, it's by YahooEnser's user, Vicky, who asks, could someone pretty please write a vampire story, please? Start in a dark forest at midnight,

and there is a girl named Elena, who gets hypnotized and bitten by a van. Slow down, slow down. Okay, okay, good. Start in a dark forest at midnight, and there is a girl named Elena, who gets hypnotized and bitten by a vampire named Josiah. I want eye contact hypnosis, please.

Okay, first of all, that's called thrall. It's not called hypnosis. You're in the thrall. Geez. Amateurs. Glamour is what I prefer. Glamour is something that masks you, so it's more like you would cast a glamour on someone

so they would ignore you. Yeah, but in true blood, they'd call it glamouring and they verb it. He glamored me into doing this. I think that means you dress them up in sequins and you made them more glamorous. No, that's dazzle them. What a fucking stupid show that sounds like.

Never seen it, but it sounds pretty goddamn dumb. Can someone please write me a vampire story, please? Please, please, please, please. There is not enough vampire fiction out there. Erotic, vamp fiction. So is the question asker asking someone to write them a story? And it's gotta have a girl named Elena

and then a vampire named Josiah and it's gotta have eye contact hypnosis. Can I just say I really like this because I think we could call it Choose My Own Adventure. And it's just like, hey, I'm gonna tell you what I want in the story. I think I used to have a book like this where I was a little kid

and mom and dad bought it for me for my birthday where I went to Planet Travis and the kind of machine that worked on Wishes. I think a Choose My Own Adventure book is just a book. Right? I wish, God, I wish books would just choose the fucking adventure for me. Just tell me a story.

I didn't buy this fucking thing to write it myself. This is garbage. Neil Patrick Harris, you lazy shit. What do you think this person wants the story for? The assignment where they have to write it and they're going, at least I've got all the bones of it but I just can't put the meat on it. Yeah, from their teacher, Miss Clitoris.

Excuse me? She's starting by fair. Can someone fucking write this person? Okay, so let's go through it. She's in a dark forest at night. Okay, how much time do we have left in the show? Enough time to write some erotic vampire fiction. Let's write one.

I'm the oldest, I'll start. And Travis, when are you gonna take it? Oh, like an exquisite corpse? Yeah, well, maybe not once. Okay, yeah, we'll do one set instead of time. That'll be good. Okay. The night was dark and also horny.

The forest was as dark as it was horny too. My name is Elena and this forest got me feeling real horny down there. I tried to shape it in the darkness that was white but had eyes and a cape and maybe fangs. It was definitely glamorous but also erotic. His name was Josiah, he didn't tell me that but he looked like one.

He looked like my friend Josiah. There's more than one, there was a semicolon in there. He looked like my friend Josiah from work at Dress Barn. I got closer to him. I saw that underneath the cape he was wearing some sensible jeans and no shirt but he just had like a cape and his muscles were like, yes. And I didn't know much but he was definitely bonered.

I could see it through his jeans. I could see the boner through his jeans. Another semicolon was in there. They were as sensible as they were see-through. It's how you turn. Oh, sorry. I looked to do his eyes. They reminded me of Josiah, my friend at Dress Barn.

And that's when it occurred to me. I'm gonna bone this dude. The boner look like, you look good. I don't know where these thoughts are coming from. They definitely weren't my own. I feel like you're not saying yes and right now I was thinking you're saying yes, bonus. No, you said that's what occurred to me

that I was gonna bone this dude. Well, and also I hate to take an homage but and then it occurred to me is not a complete sentence. There was a hyphen, there was an ellipsis at the end. Chapter two. I got fired from Dress Barn today. I got fired by my manager, Josiah. I thought he was my friend.

Also, he has amazing muscles and he doesn't wear a shirt and he wears a cape. But a different cape. We're talking about a different Josiah here. I can't express this enough. I wish. I wish. Boy, I really tried to get a hook into this story Travis.

You were just not letting it happen. I wish everything in my house smelled like Dress Barn, Josiah. Suddenly there was a clattering at my window. It was Santa Claus. He eye fucked my brain in the sexy stuff. Turns out Santa was a cool all along. Santa climbed in my window and he opened up his sack

and he let it fall to the ground and inside there was just one gift and it was Josiah, the vampire from earlier and not the Dress Barn, Josiah. He looked deep into my eyeballs and I got totally bonered for wearing. And then Santa Claus was like, well, I guess I should get going.

Seems like things are about to get a little bit lusty in here. I've got other sex Dracula's to drop off at kids' houses like you. And then Josiah sped around and he drank Santa's blood until he died. And let me be honest, it was a huge turn on. So I reached inside of his sack

and I got out hundreds of sex Dracula's all for me. Mmm. I'm not done. I'm not done. Mmm. Mmm. I crowd surfed on the sex Dracula's, like Buckethead at a corn show

when Buckethead was still in corn. Was he ever? They didn't. Did he glamor him? Yeah, I said the thing about the eye fucking. Okay. I think we just covered all our bases there. Also, wait, hold on.

Oh, hold on, somebody's at my door. Give me a second. Oh, it's a major book publisher and we're all millionaires. So, yay, this is the last episode of the podcast, I guess. There's the editor's note. I turned the page. There's the editor's note.

That Buckethead wasn't in corn. Yeah. He doesn't know what he was thinking about that he did sorts of G&R though. Maybe that's what he was thinking. We'll put that in later editions and it's gonna make this first edition like super rare and super valuable.

I was thinking a monkey, I think. Welcome to our rare book section here at the Library of Congress. Come and you won't believe what's in this edition of Sex Dracula's. So, I think that's gonna do it for us. We done? Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, it's pretty much done. I don't wanna do the podcast anymore. We're kind of into books now. Listen, we're doing a live show in December 21st that is going to be in Huntington, West Virginia, our hometown at Huntington City Hall Auditorium. If you want tickets to that, you can go to bit.ly for it slash candle nights live.

And you can pick those up. They're 15 bucks. We've sold almost 500. I can't fucking believe how many people are gonna be at this show. I know, it's gonna be popping off in like a major way and everybody's gonna have a really good time. I do wanna tell you, if you're coming in for the show

and you haven't gotten hotel accommodations yet, our, the Chase Anderson, who's the guy putting the show together for us, has arranged a special deal with the Pullman Plaza Hotel where they're gonna give people coming in for the show a special $99 rate. So, if you wanna get in on that, you call 866-613-3611 and say you're getting a room

for the My Brother, My Brother, and Me show before December 17th. And you can get one at discounted rate. That would be a great place to stay because it would actually be really close. That would be walkable to the theater. It would be walkable to the lantern, which is where we're meeting up after the show.

And it's really close to Pullman Square. There's a lot of places to like eat and shop, whatever you want to do. So, that would be a good place to stay. Again, the number's 866-613-3611 and you can get into that discounted room. Also, go ahead and start sitting in your candlelight's questions.

Please, please, please. And if you're going to be at the show, make sure that that's clear in your question. We'll probably also take some questions for the audience, so be thinking about that when you get there as well. Just make sure to put candlelight's in the subject line so that I can find it. Speaking of tickets, Max FunCon tickets are on sale now.

Hopefully they will be on sale when this episode goes live. At the time of this recording on Sunday, like 70% of the tickets are sold out. You can go to maxfuncon.com and you'll see the link for tickets there. Again, if they're sold out by the time this goes out, sorry, we've tweeted about it and so has the official account. But it is, guys, it's seriously the most fun ever,

so check it out, please. We have new merch available for you at go to maxfunstore.com and you're going to find that stuff. We've got cool buttons. We've got our fraternal order of brothers patch, but bumper stickers, a question mark poster. I think this is a new item since the last time we recorded.

This is a very cool, Saul Bass-inspired design by our friend Justin Russo. We sell a blue version of this at live shows and it is red and it is really, it is probably my favorite, like some of my favorite, my brother, my brother, my imagery. I got it hanging in my office. I'm looking at it right now. It really is so, so, so cool.

So go get that, the question mark poster. Also make sure to follow us on Twitter. We've got a couple new projects coming up that you're going to be really, really excited about and we're going to announce them first on Twitter. So follow us at mbmbam for all the awesome news. It's just good to follow us anyways because we usually talk about stuff on there

before we get to the show because we only do the show once a week. Big thanks to the Long Winters for these of our theme song, it's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. You can find that album on iTunes, Amazon, wherever makes a great Candle Nights present

for your loved ones. If your loved ones love the rock music. Is that everything? Listen to the other Max Fun Shows. Justin, what is our featured Max Fun Show of the week? It's Sawbones. Oh, well. A marital tour of misguided medicine

starring Justin McRoy and his charming Doctor Wife Sidney McRoy. They walk you through all the dumb, stupid, bad ways that we've tried to heal people over the years. Recently they've had episodes on Ebola, influenza, asthma, the Heimlich maneuver, vitamins, the goat testicle solution, cataracts, so much more. Acne, there's a ton of episodes there for you.

Listen to each one, it's like a half hour long and I think you'd like it. So go listen to it, sawbonesshow.com which will just take you to Max Fun. Also Travis, I had a rumor that you're gonna be on Throwing Shave this week. That is correct. It's either this week or next week

but I think it's this week. I went on there, hung out with them. I love Brian and Aaron. If you aren't already listening to the show, go listen to it this week and then tell them how much you loved it. Yeah. Oh, also stay tuned to our MB&B AM Twitter

for we're gonna be announcing another live show in like the middle of the month. So don't miss that. Don't miss it, keep it locked. I want you pressing F5 like a junkie. There's also a new, my brother remember me cartoon on our YouTube channel, youtube.com slash MB&B AM. The Little Garbage Mermaid,

which is something I had forgotten that we did. And then it was a cartoon and now the evidence is there permanently. So there's lots of like little shorts and stuff and it's a channel, so go watch them. This final Yahoo was sent in by Game Recognized Game, Rachel Sperling, watch the Throne.

Thank you, Rachel. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Brian, who asks, do I need to see the original Madagascar movie to enjoy and understand the new penguins of Madagascar movies? Thanks. I'm just a macaroon. I'm Travis McIlroy.

I'm Griffin McIlroy. This is with my brother, my brother being kiss your dad's square on the lips. What? Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.

I'm Jesse Thorn. I'm Jordan Morris. The federal government has millions of dollars in programs and opportunities that you need to seize today. You're a taxpayer, right? Well, then you've got it coming. Thanks to Uncle Sam, you can get grant programs for veterans.

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Your own personal radioactive brick. More sexual attention from everyone at the used bookstore. Greyhound tickets. Soft, gentle kisses from TV's John Goodman. A real narwhal. Athletic socks filled with stew. A valuable pamphlet on Millet.

Your father's approval. Don't wait right now. For all of this and more, drop us a line. Jordan Jesse Go, 1-2-3 Itunes Street or wherever you download podcasts.