My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 233: Bedtime Thank You

Episode Date: January 5, 2015

Happy New Year, everybody! We hope you enjoyed your holiday, because the time for wintery relaxation is over. We must all be diligent now, because The Con is On. Suggested talking points: Gems and Bonds, Mystery Tips, One-Quarter Murder, Kenny's Midnight Channel, Calf Stuff, Bathroom Seat Filler, Animorphs

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello, and welcome to my brother. My brother made an advice show for the modern era. Welcome to a super sexy evening performance. I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-aged brother Travis McElroy. And I'm famed R&B performer, Dan Jello. Welcome, Dan Jello, to the show. We never record in the evening, but it's Sunday evening. I've got an old-fashioned

with one of those giant round ice cubes in it. My sister Taylor got me the molds for Christmas, and I'm wearing some red plaid pants and an uh-yeah-dude t-shirt, and I'm just ready to get narcissistic. Does this count as an uh-yeah-dude crossover then? No. This is an uh-yeah-dude crossover episode. We wrote it all before the show. We hope you like it. We got a great script. You know what? I'm looking over it, and this script is basically word for word the same as thrilling adventure hour. Yeah, only more anti-semites. Have we just been stealing all of our jokes? Only a lot more anti-semitic. A lot? Well, 50% more. Gotta take a red pen to some of this anti-semitism. It's too late to do the show. It's 8 p.m. on a Sunday. It's only 6 p.m.

This is my fucking special time. Guys, how was your New Year's? Pretty good. I rung it in the only way I know how. Dressed as a monk, had a murder mystery in a castle in the middle of Ohio. Just traditional Justin New Year celebrations. That's a real thing that you did. When you're doing all of that dumb, nerdy shit, do you also like pop champagne and sing old Lang Syne and like do the normal shit? Or is it just midnight comes and goes and you're like, oh, I missed it because I found a new clue? No, there is a group sing. I should say a bunch of people get together, pop the corks. I didn't do that because I went to go be with my baby who was asleep. So I just kind of stared at it as the New Year's came in. Old Lang Syne. Got some looking handsome baby. You

are the future baby. Got some 2015 promises to make and break. I had a fun experience. There's a cell phone reception. So we went to go eat at this pizza restaurant halfway through the weekend. And then I got a tweet from someone and the tweet said, new mystery, Justin McRoy. I know we are spending New Year's Eve and I'm watching you try to find me before it's too late. So that is like a crazy tweet, but it turned out it was just a very pleasant gentleman and his lady friend or wife who were at the murder mystery also heard about it on my brother, my brother and me. Yes, but I was very nervous. So the tweet was just a red herring. But that could have turned into a legit murder mystery, only not very mysterious because it was the tweeter that didn't

check my tweets. Check his tweets. This is, I'm Agent Johnson with Cybercrime and let me check the tweets and it was this guy that did murder Justin. It was someone named Poops McGee. That may not be his real name. This week on Who Did Murder Justin? It was the Twitterer. It took me three minutes on Twitter and in that time I figured out that Justin was killed by Thomas. And also I know the lyrics to every one direction song that is possible. Also that Jaden Smith pretty crazy, huh? But like kind of like baby basically the coolest person who's ever lived in these eight. So this is our advice podcast where we turn your questions alchemy like into wisdom. I'm ready if you all are ready. I'm ready and sweaty. To get rolling.

Try this email from MT Stoppings that you forwarded over. Was that for reading on the program? I mean, if you want to, it was more just for you to enjoy. I just wanted it. Well, I'll take a quick sidebar because we're in the new year now, 20 grifting the con is on. So the charity is behind us, but I did want to tell you. This is our friend, my brother, my brother and me. Farewell to charity. Farewell to charity. The con is on. I got a very nice email for those of you who participated in the MB&B angels program where we help fill empty stockings in the Tri-State region. I got an email from Terry over at the Cattle County Community Services org who said we receive calls and Christmas gifts from your listeners, including

those from California, Colorado, Indiana and Virginia. We were able to help 1300 and sorry, we were able to help 315 people, not quite as great as 1300. But 300 is pretty good, but add an extra 1000 to that. And it's a whole different ball game. Maybe next year. Your listeners have a wonderful caring and giving spirit. We appreciate everything that you did to help us. We hope your listeners have a very blessed year. Thank you, Terry. The con is on the year will be unfortunately, Terry, there will be no reprieve because we arbitrarily decided not to go with 20 gifting. If only we had removed that one letter. 1300 human souls, but unfortunately the con is on. Sorry, Terry, who also said that our listeners have a wonderful caring and giving

spirit. I know better. I know that basically our listeners are trying to make up for some secret sin that they can never expunge from their souls. This year all sin. We are Fagan and you are Fagan's boys. Have you guys seen leverage? It's like that where they do good, but it's because they're bad. Nope. 2015. The con is on gyms and bonds. I want them both gyms and bonds, gyms and bonds. So let's answer some Peter box 54. I recently went into a restaurant with a sole purpose of purchasing gift certificate for a friend of mine who had expressed interest in that establishment. When the bartender brought me the check, I noticed there was a line on which to enter a tip for the bartender who had served me. I was unsure about how to tip or if to tip at all

in this circumstance. So I shrugged through in $1 tip and signed. Brothers, did I do the right thing? Did I tip too little? Or is tipping not necessary in this situation? That's from tipping remiss in St. Louis. In case you were wondering, the gift certificate was for $50 and they tipped a dollar. Okay, but that's okay. Does it matter? Well, it's a fucking gift card. Here's why it matters. First of all, you fucked up. But second of all, here's why it matters. I really like the logic of saying I'm not sure if I'm supposed to tip or not. I know I'll tip 2%. Right. It's sort of like you would probably it would probably be less offensive to tip nothing. Yeah, but this this motherfucking one drink $150 gift certificate is a dollar either way.

This fucking bartender didn't put fucking mint into a mortar and pestle and then grind those oils, those essential oils out and then light like an orange peel on fire over it and spritz it with forbidden citruses and then said, okay, here's your gift card. He swiped it through the thing and pressed like three buttons. You give him a fucking a 10 spot for that? This is no, this is a no go. I'm saying that you you didn't need, but this is very indicative. I feel guilty whenever stuff like this comes up. And I think it's just like now it's just standard that most receipts print off, no matter what, especially like you're at a bar already. So it's like it's going to print off with a tip. You're probably safe here. But I kind of dig on a dollar though, because it's like the

same amount of effort that would be required to get a fucking Miller light out from the cooler and then pop the top of that delicious Refresco beverage and then hand it to you. And that's $3 and you give them one, right? That's the that's the quintessential buying a beer at a bar sort of transaction. And I think that you give them that same single that Miller light single. I don't know. I just feel like giving them a tip on that is saying like you need this more than me. No, it's recognition. It's game recognizing game. It is good to tip. Okay, to be clear, I think it's important to tip when you get carry out, right? Like you guys tip when you're getting a carry out. Oh, absolutely not. Well, really? Yeah. But some but they did that work. Who did

that work? They carried it. They carried it to you in a bag from one place from like 18 feet. Sorry, what do you think they're doing normally? It's like 36. Yeah, but then it's repeated things. It's water and it's bread and it's more bread and then it's butter and then it's more bread. And then are you serious? More bread and then seriously more bread. I'm worried about you. Please stop. It's 20. It's 2015. Take care of yourself. I have a gluten opposite of allergy addiction. Yeah. Okay, Griffin, I'm going to tell you why it's the same thing for me. Okay. I am tipping waiters and waitresses and servers and whoever to make sure to protect me and my food. That's it. It's not the service. It's not all that. I'm tipping him to make sure the transaction

goes smoothly. It's food insurance? Yeah, basically it's I don't want to roll up to pick up my carry out and they're like, Oh, sorry, that didn't go through or wasn't ready or whatever. It's cold now. Oh, they forgot the fries. You asked for bonus wings. Can we give you a bone in wings? Tipping is the end of game transaction. They cannot fuck it up and they cannot take that shit out of your hand back to you and say, hold on, sir, we forgot to fuck this up for you. That's why it's an exercising trust. You're trusting and they're trusting and everybody's trusting. What if they look at your tip aren't pleases that they just take your carry out box and smash in your chest? I'm sorry, I'm going to have to take the fries out of here and just pretend

like we forgot them. Enjoy. God, why can't we all just do it in the Japanese style where you just don't do it? There's no tipping because everybody's paid a great wage. Everybody's paid a great wage and you don't have to worry about shit like this. I'm a great tipper. I truly am a tremendous tipper cab rides, hotel service, meal service, not carry out because fuck that noise, but carry out is a perfect example. It's one of those in between. It's one of those gray areas. If I go to the airport Hudson news and I buy my vitamin water zero lemonade flavor and there's a fucking spot to tip on that Hudson news. I don't think so. Have you guys ever tipped a shuttle driver at the airport? Oh my God. That just, okay. I just got back from the airport. Okay. Flight to St. Louis

and I saw someone do it. It's the first time I've ever seen anyone do it. That exact same thing happened to us. I felt so terrible because I was like, that's a whole nother fucking echelon. I haven't even considered why can't we do it in the Japanese style. If you're traveling in America, not in the Japanese style, if you're traveling in America at this point, you should pretty much just get a lot of ones and just walk around with your left arm extended. I don't write just like a bouquet of ones. Just please, if you're supposed to take one of these, will you please honor system, need a dollar, take a dollar. Am I supposed to say if I'm supposed to give you the dollar, please just take his mechanism. I wish it wasn't so awkward to just look at someone and go, do I

give you this? Is this for you? Is it? Do I do this? And they go, no, it's okay. I never have cash dollar bills on me. So what am I supposed to do? Like turn to the fucking airport shuttle driver and be like, do you have square? I see this shuttle bus is equipped with a handicap ramp. Does it also have square? Tap to pay with my iPhone. Is that cool? Do you have near field communication technology? Good sir. What's your email address? Let me PayPal you three dollars. What a nightmare. Why can't we just? It will be a transaction fee. You're not friends nor family. We've already declared that 2015 is when the con got on. But I think 2016 is when we all start trying to convert everything we possibly can to the Japanese style. You can't even ask. You can't

ask if tipping is appropriate because they're basically saying like, do you want some money? Yeah. I have some money. Do you need it? There needs to be a second person on like the shuttle that works for them, but it's not the driver that you can go to and go, do I tip the driver? And their only job is to say yes or no. And then to you tip that person, Travis, congratulations. Then it becomes like a matrushka doll. I think it's called. And you just have to keep asking tinier and tinier people. Exactly. And then in the back of the shuttle, a very, very, very tiny bathroom attendant was like, I got mints and it's like, I don't want mints. Do I still need to give you like $5 for all three minutes? By the end of it, you're just asking Amelie for advice who

you can't tip because the coin's too big for her. Don't try to tip her. You'll kill her. Please leave Amelie out of this. Please. I'm under your 50 cent piece. Please help. I'm dying. Do you guys want me to fit up to you? Yeah. Yeah. This Yahoo was sent in by level. By the way, Yahoo me is something I've tried out for 2015. Look for the t-shirt. Oh, wait, do it like a question. Like Yahoo me? Yeah, guys. What do you think about this? This is in and by level billion. Drew Davenport. Thank you, Drew. It's by your answers user master of mod who asks, can anyone tell me who invented hatred? I mean, in other words, which specific individual that created invented the idea of hatred in the first place? The answer is the devil. That's Kane.

That's actually the top answer on Yahoo answers. So thank you, Travis, by which I mean Travis, by which I mean Yahoo answers user Wooferduff who provided that answer for Kane. Is that really where it came from? Like biblically speaking, Kane was like, ooh, I'm going to get that, Abel. Yeah. They were kind of a, they were very much like a road runner and coyote kind of thing. So nobody up to that point, like it fucking, there were only three other people. Right. But Abel like fucking kicks Abraham in the shins because he's a shitty little kid and Abraham's like, thank you, I guess. They are Griffin. Yeah. It was Abraham father, Abraham, Kane, Abel, Adam, not Steve though. That's important. I've always found this story confusing because I remember

being in church camp and the guy, the youth pastor made a big deal of this is the first murder in the Bible. This is the root of murder. Kane and Abel. And then as I was walking back to my, my door room, probably to masturbate, I thought to myself, you know what, he's also the first person to die, which must have been a trip for Kane. Whoa, wait, what? Hey, I hit him really hard and now he's not getting up. I just like, Abel, get up. I like hitting him with a rock as a fucking goof. Like, what the fuck? I even said heads up when I did it. It was supposed to be like a thing. Abraham, yo, Abel's like stopped. Abel like stopped. There's not even a word for it. Is there a word for this? He just stopped. I broked it. You know what? I had an Abel, but I braked him. What happened?

I never thought about it, but it's like Edison, Einstein, Kane. He invented death. Yeah. That's pretty big. And hatred. I don't know how much more we're going to goof on this, but Griffin, do yourself a solid and stop referencing Abraham because you're exponentially increasing the number of tweets you're about to receive from the Bible. The Venn diagram crossover of biblical scholars and my brother, my brother, me listeners. So was Adam and Eve that popped them out, Kane and Abel? So all the babies came from just Adam and Eve? No, it was Adam, Abraham and Eve. So there's a little DNA mix up. Okay. Well, I think that this is probably 100% true. I think Kane probably invented it. And then just like the only other two people on earth saw it and was like, that looks

all right. Hatred? Yeah, let me give that a try. And that's where it all focuses. We should all just keep this train rolling. Yeah. What is that called? Hatred? Let me give that a shot. I hate you birds. Do you think that God at that point was like, I kicked you guys out of the garden for eating an apple. And then step two was this. You fucked up. Yeah. I was just thinking that Jarvis, comma's been like, okay, there are like four of you. Yeah. Can you slow your roll from once? I was going to let you back in. Ask Jesus. I was just talking to him and I said, like, you know, I think I'm going to let him back in. Jesus, I felt bad last night. He was like, I'm going to put him on a 30 day probation. They fucking murdered. There were four of them. Ah, they had a one in

four chance. Name another criminal of history that killed 25% of the human with one stupid ass rock. Adam's only got so many fucking ribs. I can't keep fucking popping these dudes out. Griffin, I think at that point Adam and Eve had making people covered. Maybe they only did it twice. They're not experts. They're not the fucking duggers. 19 kids and counting it. Oh, wait. Oh, wait. Damn it. Oh, wait. Shit. There's like 12. What's going on? Hi. Wasn't me. Fuck. I mean, I want to read that family circus comic now. Follow just like the bloody footprints around the Garden of Eden. Where's Kane? Wasn't me. Let's, uh, another question as a cable guy. I can really get

into intimate parts of your home. Whoa, fuck. Stop with the presses. As a cable guy, I can really get into intimate parts of your home out of routine necessity. So I'm privy to a lot of secrets. Secrets. What do you think I should do if I find something potentially dangerous but incriminating like drugs under a kid's bed? Do I narc? Are you fucking kidding me? Let me finish. I don't want to create a chaotic atmosphere while I'm doing my job. Your cable guy works hard, you guys, but I don't want to just let someone get hurt through inaction. How would you handle this kind of situation? That's from brothers. How would you handle this kind of situation, brothers? That's from indecisive in Indianapolis. I would recommend that you just be fucking cool

for like a second. Yeah. Could you just be cool and not trying to narc on Kenny, the 12-year-old who's just trying to sell some weed to buy Pochamon cards? Is there like a cable guy oath that you take and keep your shit quiet? Or it's like while in the course of your duties, if you spy with your little eyes. That's it. I think the time orner is in cahoots with the fucking one time. I think everything's all topsy-turvy. I'm canceling all my cable. Just kidding. I haven't had cable for eight years because I have a lot of weed stashed all over my house. I'm afraid they'll find my secrets. What are you even fucking talking about to you, narc? It's not your goddamn family to ruin. Yeah, ma'am, just sign here. Oh, yeah, that's

your warranty there. And also, your son has some sweet sticky weed under his bed. Okay, bye. Is this hypothetical or is this a fucking quandary that this person's wrestling with? Because we can put this to bed super easy. Be fucking cool for like a second. Just put the cable in and walk out. And walk out. Do your goddamn job and walk away. What are you even talking about? Is there a thing like you find under the kid's bed like a stash of, I don't know, like guns? Do you say something? No, no, because a second amendment guarantees a certain freedoms, Travis, like infinite guns forever. Unless you have a knife that has like a note attached to it, this is like four Daryl's guts and then a date.

And your name is Daryl. And also, your name is Daryl. And oh, God, look, I'm behind you. I think you just that knife was a red herring. Do you really want people to start? Do you want to give human race another reason to dislike the cable guy? Really? Have you guys had it so easy in the rep department that you also want to add NARC to the list? Oh, God, where is he? If a cable guy NARC'd out my fucking son, I would say I have no reason to trust you, Time Warner. Get the fuck out of my house. It's kind of a situation like, okay, yeah, my son's in trouble. Also, fuck you. Yeah, fuck off. I think also, I can't imagine a situation in which you don't say anything.

And then like something goes down and someone goes, well, why didn't the cable guy say anything? He was here. Surely if he'd seen something, he would have said something, right? It's his responsibility as our cable installer. I think that it's not none of your business, not your job. Don't worry about it. Now, now, now, let's approach this from a 25th grifting mentality. If the con is on, I have to consider extorting Kenny. Oh my God, you have control of the cable, get a public access station that only goes to Kenny's house. Wait till he turns on the box at night. Kenny! Kenny turns on the midnight channel. What's up, I know about your doobers, Kenny. But then pretty soon the Kenny only channel gets really high ratings and the people from the VHF

channels come to shut you down. Yeah. But look out, Kramer's there and he's gonna help you raise some money. I'm just saying you can be rich with poachamon cards if you play your goddamn poachamon cards, right? By which, I mean, you want to have a deck based on two discrete energy types. I prefer psychic and fighting. And you don't want to rely too heavily on evolutions because that's gonna be predicated on some pretty lucky card draws. This has been Pokemon card game strategy tactics with your old buddy Griffin McRoy. Do you guys want a Yahoo? Mm-hmm. This Yahoo was sent in by Kevin. Thanks, Kevin. It's by Yahoo Answers user Marley who asks, do you say thank you after sex? My boyfriend does at times. Not sure how to take it.

Justin, I can hear your fucking old fashion. I can hear those greasy ice cubes in that high ball. There's just one ice cube and it's the size of a tennis ball. It's amazing. To answer this question, I think it all depends on the tone of voice with which he says it. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, so glad that's over with. What if they sing a little bit of the song Thank You by Jewel? Crosses fingers, hopes it's Jewel. Thank you, Stephanie, for that sexing. Thanks for doing the thing with your calves. With your calves? Hold on. What special move does she do with just her calves? Listen, I don't, it's just the whole bit was that it was a weird body part. Don't maybe open up the

bit coin and take you inside of it. Don't make me, don't make me dust off the cobwebs of this bit and show you the cave paintings on the walls. Just accept it for what it is. Justin's got on some forbidden scrolls, the Comma Sutra too. And it's made my calf face. A lot of calf stuff. A lot of calf stuff and a lot of cleanup. Because the first couple of times you're not going to do it right. No, you're not going to do it right. I mean, it's great. You just put your calves together and go. You know how to make love, right? Just put your calves together and go. Fuck. You should take the meaty part of your calf.

Okay, hold on. Thank you. Thank you. Isn't it better than some other thing? Like he could say like, I'm sorry. No, but I'm sorry it would be a bad thing. There's infinity. You can say anything, anytime. So let's not broaden it to like all of the things that a person can say. Look out. Yeah. Thank you. Finally. Nope. Just thank you. I did it. I think thank you is kind of nice. It is nice. Thanks for sharing that gift with me. Maybe not every time. Until the one time he does it. No, that's the thing. If he's going to do it every time and he does it like a hundred times

in a row, right? And then the one time they make love and he just like, okay, good night. And you're just like, what? Where's my fucking thank you? They're falling asleep and she's like, oh, you're welcome. Thank you. Oh, what if you get a Pavlovian response to gratitude and you like you hold the door open for someone and they're like, thank you. And you instantly get a boner. You're welcome. Also, also I nutted. You can probably let the door go. Like, are you, nobody else is coming in. Well, I just want to be sure, you know, you can never be too sure late arrivals and whatnot. Just keep my roast beef warm.

Are they at Arby's? Why is it always at Arby's, Justin? What? Any situation you invent in your mind is always at Arby's. Cause it's good mood food. Thank you. Let's go to medicine. 90%. Justin, what's that? 90%. That's a percent of your life that you're in underwear and underwear gets old fast. That number seems high. It seems really, really, really high for me. I, you know, I don't sleep. I sleep. Sons, Sons, pants, the loons, Sons, pants, the loners. And so it's higher for me. But anyway,

I do wear underwear and I got some me undies. I know we all have gotten them. It is as the advertising states, it's the most comfortable underwear I've ever worn. And it made me mad that I'm just now getting on this train. I've been wearing, excuse me, but bad underwear, crummy underwear for 34 years on this planet. Chronically wet underwear everywhere. Just the worst. Just inexplicably wet. Why are you so wet? Me undies has become my like, I will not travel unless I'm wearing the me undies. They are the best, most comfortable underpants. And this is not, this isn't any of that flashy advertising bullshit. This is straight from the heart. I love me undies.

They don't write up. They pull moisture away from your skin. Get out of there. Get cool all day long. It's environmentally friendly. It's low carbon footprint. There's a very sleek panty line. Yeah. Oh, the, yeah. Oh, and the material is so comfortable. They're barely, it's a barely there panty line. They have one pattern that they've sent me. That's black and white stripes. And it makes my dick look like Beetlejuice. Which is what we've always wanted. That's what everybody wants. Am I right fellas? Oh no. Fellas. You know when he's that snake on the railing of the stairs?

Makes your dick look like that. It's like that. Jump in that I'm talking about. I got a pair that makes my dick look like the monster that Gina Davis turned into with the big open beak and the eyeballs in her mouth. I got one that makes my dick look like Jim Carrey from earth girls are easy with Gina Davis. I got one that looks like the cover of earth girls are easy. My dick looks like a spooky window and a writer. So if you go to meundies.com slash my brother, do you guys think that's a reference to the room? Sydney and I were debating this. What? Meundies? No. No. You'll think? No. Because the line in the room is me underwears. Yeah. I know but that's a long URL that they probably anyway. Meundies.com slash my brother

is going to get you 20% off your first order and free shipping. Listen we advertise a lot of products on the show. Trust me on this one. Go try these underwear and they guarantee that you're going to be happy with them on your first pair. It's free. I also guarantee. And we're all dudes talking about it but they have underpants for both ladies and dudes. They sent some to city because we're advertising them on salt bones. She's crazy about it. Make your vagina look like a spooky window and a writer and that's all I'm going to say about it. Meundies.com slash. That's all I'm going to say about it. Meundies.com slash my brother is the address. Thank you. We have a new advertiser this week and I'm

so excited about it. It's like the coolest idea. I love it. Do you want me to tell you about it? Because I will. Hit me. Just do a good job. Okay. I'll try it. It's called Blue Apron. It's our first time with them and I just want to make sure it's a good one. It's called Blue Apron and basically here's how it works. We all want to eat better. Everybody does. We all want to eat well. Also health conscious, right? But sometimes you get busy and you're like oh. The con is on right in 2015 and if you got to get your look right, if you want to scam like sexual prowess is like and just being physically sexually attractive is like one of your most valuable tools. For conning? Ass sawyer. Yeah. For conning? Absolutely.

That's why there's no August in Ocean's Eleven. That's not true. Think about it. Even, even Carl Reiner. Looker. Can we please read? All right. We were doing an ad and we were doing such a good job and then we all took turns talking about how we fuck Carl Reiner. What happened? For $9.99 a meal. Welcome to the show, Blue Apron. You can get your money back on the way out. For $9.99 per meal, Blue Apron will send you a refrigerated box with the right high quality ingredients in the exact right proportions, simple step-by-step recipe instructions right to your door to make a meal that is fresh and delicious. And the fucking locale, 500, 700 calories per serving and you would never think that because good tasting food usually

upwards of 14,000 calories. And you're probably sitting there thinking like oh is this like a weird like rice and you know vegetable stew thing? Like I would get it like Weight Watchers? No. How about this? Short rib burgers on pretzel buns, Kung Pao chicken tacos. Put that in your face. I don't know why I'm getting aggressive. Have a romantic dinner with Carl Reiner and then maybe afterwards you'll get some calf stuff. Thank you. Here's the fact, here's the fact of the matter. If you want to get healthy, one of the best things you can do for yourself is to cook at home. You have no, you ever tasted something good in a restaurant? You know the secret is butter. It's always butter. Guaranteed. So that is a healthy choice and you know what 9.99 per meal is already

pretty good but if you think about like how much it would cost to go to buy ingredients for meal and what you won't use, like what you'll waste, guarantee you'll end up spending more than that buying ingredients for stuff. It's an amazing deal. So maybe you want to go check it out, maybe you're just not sure yet. I don't know why not but maybe you're not sure yet. Well good news, go to BlueAbron.com slash my brother and you'll get your first two meals free. So you can check out the menu, see what's on the menu this week. Get two meals free by going to BlueAbron.com slash my brother. Go check it out. It's a really, really cool service. I'm fucking legit gonna do this as soon as we hang out this scape call. I got a message. I got a message for Kitty Bear and it's from

Sea Goat. Sea Goat says a very happy birthday. I was gonna do like an impression of a goat underwater but then I thought it's too easy. So instead I elected to do nothing funny. Sea Goat said a very happy birthday to the best wife a dummy like me could possibly ask for. I hope you have an unbelievably perfect year and most of all thanks for vibing with me and keeping it real. Also fish and poos say happy bee day as well but they are too cheap to chip in. XOXO and I imagine that's some sort of secret code that activates some sort of sleeper cell. But happy birthday to Kitty Bear. Can you just use the real names? I feel like I'm talking to a couple of Angel Fire websites. Those are their given names. I don't think that they are. Wait let me check. Yeah they

are. Those are their Christian names. I don't think we've said one true thing this whole episode. No we talked about Carl Reiner being attractive. He's super fuckable. I have another message for Joe Lefier. Hold up. They provided a phonetic pronunciation and I'm still fucking it up. Joe Lefiery crushed it and it's from Greg, Sean, Ryan and John. Greg, Sean, Ryan and John say we'd like to wish a happy birthday to the world class graphic designer and overlord of felt Joe Lefiery. Though he bears the form of a roguishly handsome man of 29 years and claims November 6th for his birthday, he is in fact an immortal deity who has sworn never to leave his house of girders until his space seed has created a race of Superman. So all right this is like our third

or fourth deity that we've canonized on the show. So thanks. Welcome to the halls of honor Joe. Uh we will sing songs in your name and we will light braziers in your honor and we're gonna burn stuff in those braziers. Well when the time comes for the end of days we will have to kill you to siphon your energy. We hope that's cool with you. We hope that's all right. Yeah I feel it's an even trainer. I have to tell you guys before we move on back to the comedy uh not that this hasn't been funny and we did that great Carl Reiner bit uh went ahead and uh got my two free meals from Blue Apron while we've been sitting here uh got to tell you on the menu this week Mexican style rice and beef casserole with black beans and moderate jack cheese uh chicken molla got one

a soup with uh kohlrabi and basmati rice and pistachio crushed into catfish with israeli couscous dresden fennel and orange salad. Mother. Don't mind if I fucking do. Those sound delicious. Also Justin do you feel that you are giving your undivided attention to you kitty bear and to Joe while you were doing that. Guys sorry if I know anything about fucking kitty bear and Joe it's that they would want me to not miss out on the Mexican style rice and beef casserole. It would have been there 15 minutes later. You're not gonna get that it would have the it's not like there's an expiration date on that website. You don't know that you are fucking guessing. Hold on let me look at the website. Oh yep they're out of pistachio crusted

catfish or whatever you said. You got the last one Justin. Glad I got on it. Totally worth it. So happy birthday to Joe. It's too late. Happy birthday. No you missed it. It's too late. No listen let me get in here. Make room for Joseph. They don't want to miss out on my special brand of humor. Hold on let me get something for you. Kitty bear. It's like two animals together. Joe Lefieri kind of like Guy Fieri. Yeah they pronounce the fuck they provided they specifically provided the phonetic pronunciation so that we wouldn't say Fieri. Just go Griffin go ahead and just edit those jokes. I don't have to edit them in. They're already in the show. Just edit them. What a subpar product. I hope that I hope you choke on that fucking delicious pistachio

crusted catfish a piece of shit. You don't mean that. You don't mean that. This show is nothing without me. As the last two sponsored messages proved this show is nothing without my attention. That's what off the rails. I listen to bullseye to be cooler and more cultured than the people who don't know about bullseye yet. Of course then I tell them about bullseye so it doesn't usually work for very long. Bullseye's your guide to what's good for maximumfund.org and NPR. So I'm happily engaged to a wonderfully bearded man. It's a wonderful bearded man but how delightfully bearded. I'm engaged to an inescapably bearded man. An unavoidably bearded man. We both love food and go out to eat often. This is great fun except for one detail.

Every time we go out to the restaurant he has to leave at some point to use the bathroom. My dog. Except I often get pitying looks from the wait staff and sometimes they even ask if I've been ditched by my date. How do I avoid this unwanted attention. My boyfriend my bathroom and me in bold man. How long is he gone. I thought that fucking beer was going to come into it like he gets soup in there and it's yucky. You dropped your own little red herring there. You did your own con. Oh Sydney says that I can't go into a public place without using the bat like if they have a bat. We've got to check it out always. We've talked about this. I've got to check it out. You always fucking keep your exits wide. You always slice the pie every time you go into a

bin again. So you're like excuse me we need a table for two and I need a map of the facilities. I have gotten better about this. I here's what I think is fair from from your perspective. I think it's fair to say listen I understand you want to go in and make some room or wash your hands or whatever you're doing in there. Can you please just try to keep it like infill ex fill super stealth no scope seal team six in and out like and and not leave me sitting in the table for ages or just leave your jacket on the chair. Can you just leave your jacket on the chair so people know you're coming back or a little note that says like be back in five minutes bathroom and bathroom and again. Oh maybe we just need like Oscar seat fillers

that. Oh God Travis that's a really good idea. You can go to the bathroom for as long as you want but to stand in for me. His name is Kyle Pearson. He's from Central Casting. He's hands more than I am. He's ready to talk about whatever you want to talk about. See in 10 to 15 I had beans earlier. Can we not. I'm sorry that got it got cheap at the end there. I was trying to think of a meal that would make it difficult to poop. A bunch of bubblegum and beans was all I had. Right excuse me excuse me is your boyfriend gone. No he ate a lot of bubblegum earlier. He was having a rough time but he's definitely real. He's very real. He eats bubblegum only bubblegum and string and it gets real rough down there. Do you think it's hard for aspiring

actors working as waiters to see people getting solid work as a bathroom seat fillers at restaurants like they can aspire to that. Man no I love that. I bet they're really uppity and artsy about it and they're like yeah I could sell out and be a bathroom seat filler too but I'm holding out you know what I mean. Like yeah there was an audition and my agent tried to send me to be a bathroom seat filler but I said no I'm going to wait and be on NCIS New Orleans. Yeah shoot for the stars. Which I just watched the other day and Bakula is so good in it. Yeah of course he is. Bakula is Bakula in NCIS New Orleans. Did you get started for the ride of your life. Did you guys know that the fucking sun came up this morning as long as we're like talking about

shit that everybody knows. Everybody knows that Bakula is going to knock it out of the park. That's what he's asking. But here's the thing this is why Bakula is amazing at NCIS New Orleans Griffin. Not only does he do a fine job but at no point do you get the feeling that he's embarrassed to be on NCIS New Orleans. No of course not. Like he's like he's giving it not only his full talent but his heart and soul. Yeah and it was even a crossover episode with the people from NCIS Florida. I got whatever the like NCIS progenitor was. It was a full crossover episode so that dude who played the awesome Secret Service agent in West Wing was there too. Yeah and Bakula just out shown them all. Out shown them all. From NCIS Vero Beach Florida. That's the fucking Bakula

guarantee. He puts his heart and soul into everything. If he were my seat filler well first of all if you were my seat filler I would come back and oops no wife. Wives gone. Wives gone. Wives gone. Bakula's gone. Cars gone. House is gone. Life is gone. Family gone. Future. She's twenty-ninth. Team you. Oh I got conned. Only it didn't take a whole year. Did it? It took 14 seconds. Are you Scott Bakula? Yes. Are you sure? Yes. Do your do your NCIS New Orleans accent for me. Okay to the car. Come on we can make love on the way. I will say thank you the whole time. I will say thank you on the way to where? Wherever. Take me wherever. Take me to New Orleans. My life with Griffin is over now. It was good while it lasted but you're Scott fucking Bakula. Can I just say

the greatest guestbert get? Don't don't say it. Don't say it. Don't even jinx it. Don't even jinx it. Fucking 2015 Bakula if you're out there and I know you are. You're saying it. Please. You're just saying it now. Trust me. What's wrong with saying it? You're just the little jinx it. Don't you guys know how the fucking secret works? Law of attraction? You write down a secret. You bury it in your yard. You gotta put the vibe out into the universe. Okay. Okay. Do you guys want to know Yahoo? Yes please. Please. Yahoo was sent in by Jesse Stanczak. Thank you Jesse. It's by Yahoo Answers user Matt who has a 100% best answers rating so we're dealing royalty here. Matt doesn't step into the game very often but when he does he crushes it. In fact he

only he's from an alternate reality Yahoo Answers where people only answer if they have a fucking answer to answer the thing with. Anyway Matt asks with all of his infinite wisdom astral projection sex and then in parentheses noob question. I'm noob. I'm a noob to astrally projecting myself into sex situations. I would like to try to have an out of body experience. I've been reading about astral sex. More like an into body experience. Stop it. Okay. No you can keep doing it. Okay thank you. I've been reading about astral. See because I was what I was saying was like you're going into someone's body. Yep. Yep. I've been reading about astral sex and that if you have astral sex with say someone like your crush they will dream about you sexually in

the physical world. Hold up. Wait. If you have sex with them astrally they'll dream about you sexually in the physical world. Okay. Now I'm on board again. Got it. All makes sense. I see this as impossible but yet I read it happens. So is this possible? So this is this person's first astral experience and they think just out the gate they're going to leave their body into the fucking ether and then be fucking up there. No you got to walk before you can run before you can have sex. You have to astrally hold hands first. Right. Well you have to astrally develop hands. You're just going to be sort of an amorphous swarm of thoughts up there. Can I just say that like it beautifully sums up people on the internet to say the sentence I don't think this is true

but then I read that it was so is it? Is it? You know every time you have deja vu that means that someone just had astral projection sex with you while watching the matrix. Suck on that copper top. I got it. So this has to be two people projecting themselves right because you can't just like astrally project. You can't manifest physical change in the material realm when you are just a fucking thought swarm up there in the ether. So you have to be with somebody else's astral existence and then fucking them and they're fucking you and then it's a very cordial thank you thank you use it back into your bodies before midnight or else you are going to stay the animal that you anamorphed into forever. Correct. Correct. My question is this the end result of this like

you have a question. Yes. Just to clarify. Everything else totally clear. The end result of this. Was it the anamorphous thing that you got lost in because it got a little tangly? No I followed that. If you do this right I'm trying to follow the chain here you astrally project have sex with someone right then they dream about it because you're astrally fucking them and they're dreaming about it is the hope that then the next day they walk up to you and go hey this is going to sound weird but I dream last night that we fucked and it was so so good that I want to do it in RL. So the partner who's not astrally projecting is dreaming they're not also astrally projecting. That's not it's two different realms the dream realm and the astral realm are you fucking kidding

me wait so are you astrally projecting into their dream you can't do that that's science fiction I have a very you're astrally projecting having sex with their essence yeah their astral essence it has to be listen we're getting into semantics now I have a much more important question for us okay to all ponder to really put into our thoughts for a while save you anamorph into a lion uh-huh are you both paying attention yeah so I want it it's really important okay I'll stop ordering my blue apron meals yeah put that away for a second close the tab you anamorph into a lion for an anamorph's mission and you accidentally stay morphed for over two hours okay and when you do that you're that animal just for life correct

that is what happened to Tobias totally following done turning to a fucking hawk because he's a dummy and he didn't look at his fucking no he had to stay hidden up in the rafters or else he was gonna get caught griffin you're a lion now for life okay and you got other anamorph buddies who are more responsible than you they can turn human and they know like oh man oh uh Steven he's a lion Leo no that's too lean lion oh he's a lion now Steven he's a lion now and it's you're still lying and they come to visit like hey Steven you're like you're a lion growl growl growl be my question is how what is the length of time you have to go before you can start fucking lions because you've been a human this whole time and you're human

and you're rolling crew you're anamorph's road dogs fucking know that you used to be a dude and now you're fucking lions what is the what's the length of time what's the comfort zone there griffin there is a time because what happens to Tobias is eventually his humanity starts to slip away and he starts to like actually hunt and like become more of a hawk type of person so that or or that's Tobias wanting to fuck some hawks and saying like oh i guess i just really became a hawk you guys oh no it's why oh animal instincts i don't know again gosh i'm losing my humanity be right back fucking thank you oh my god i'm gonna lay an egg is that how it works it took me it took me roughly two decades to figure out if human women wanted to have sex with me

so i i think it's pretty fucking like optimistic to think i'm gonna jump into the lion world be like so new to the game it'll be my decision on the prowl and ready to growl come on ladies yeah hey good news ladies i'm a really shitty lion who's ready to fucking clown don't ask me to hunt or do anything or do like any of the mating rituals i don't know any of that shit i don't just want to get up on that you know that someone's going to see steven make this lion transformation and get all the fucking lion play that all the fucking feline action he could ever hope for and then all of a sudden maybe a week later oh what happened to mark mark you stayed over two hours whoops guess i'm a guess i'm a dear forever mark hurry and change

back it's been an hour and 58 minutes uh yeah okay let me try oh weird it's not working you you must have said your watch wrong be right back i mean on the on the the the one side you're a lion who knows another mating rituals on the plus side you do have an atm car and you can drive a car you can drive a car and buy as much meat for the other lines as you want which is a pretty powerful move yeah the the hardest part about picking up female lions is how do you neg them what do you say they're perfect and sinually perfect sinually beautiful you got there's nothing you could take away from them hey fat haunches get over here nothing that you have nothing on them they're perfect killing machine i guess i just think your jaws are too powerful like your whiskers

i know it i don't like your whiskers are we having sex us are you a former animorph that got trapped in oh nope just lying okay you can never tell this has been our show my brother my brother and me we hope you've had some some lofts also hope this isn't your first episode woof uh all right so we uh live shows come into a town near you in 2015 uh we're doing a show in LA that's sold out but we are doing another show at sam sisco sketch fest uh i believe tickets for that is still available that's with jjgo so you're getting a pretty great value uh for for that that's february 7th uh at one p.m at cobs comedy club you can get seats right uh for that show at the address bit.ly forward slash mb mbam sketch fest uh also we've got new live shows coming out

like jesson said we're going to announce those next week so make sure uh you tune into the twitter and you tune into the show um also if you're listening to this either on the day it comes out or the day after so the 5th or 6th um on the 6th we have uh me and andy are doing a bunker buddies live show with jordan jesse go at ucb franklin um at 11 p.m and tickets for that are still available they're only five dollars and we really want to see you there this is the first max fund presents and we want to do more at the ucb so we really appreciate you guys coming out and supporting us and you can get tickets for that at bit.ly forward slash bbjjgo la all lowercase and we really want to see you out there it can be uppercase two trap oh sure okay and actually it actually

can't we we fucked around with that you're kidding me uh before yeah it's case sensitive what the fuck internet you don't you changed overnight yeah speaking of bunker buddies and jordan jesse go go check out all the other maximum fun uh dot org shows they're all incredible let's do a special plug for the adventure zone because uh several people tell us every time a new episode is released that they that they didn't know we were doing this we do a uh uh a a dnd fantasy adventure with our daddy clint uh uh where we you know basically just play dnd and you listen and people have been really really nice it's our most popular show by far it is one day going to supersede mabin bam and become the the flagship of the empire believe that i so go look for the adventures

on the 19 subscribe to it rate it you know where they can you know where they can find it the at the adventure dot zone the adventure dot zone it is our website we got episodes we got character sheets we got fucking art there's a dude uh leon rosalar i believe is his name who's done uh art for the past two episodes that is like a summary of the episodes and they're fucking incredible you can find those at the adventure dot zone uh and all kinds of great stuff so go there is you can tweet also if you if you get into dnd as a result of our show please tweet at uh uh wizards of the coast just to say like hey you know i i'm into this because maybe they'll tweet about our show and then we'll get famous and maybe we also want to say thanks again to me on these

for supporting the show go to me on these dot com slash my brother you get 20 off your first order and you'll get free shipping so that's pretty cool uh here's a great reason to go to the adventure dot zone by the way you can see a picture of our dad cosplaying as his character merle high church at our holiday show don't miss that and also don't miss your chance to get a great deal from blue april you can get your first two meals free by going to blue april dot com slash my brother get all that stuff big thanks to the long winters uh for the use of our theme song it's a departure off the album putting the days to bed uh uh it's a great great album great song great music great friends great times great uh good good bruce great summer great summer party

times and just like the best spring break i've ever been on yeah uh wait is that it is that we got a new animated short grift of the match i it's on our youtube channel uh youtube dot com slash in b and b and go subscribe and rate and review that and share it with people it's a really good way if you've been trying to figure out how to get other people into it i think that those cartoons made by our boy tyler carly are pretty good way of uh getting people into the show so um go check this out i think it's everything uh grift do you have a last yahoo uh answer for yeah uh this final yahoo answer was sent in by game recognized game rachel spurling thank you rachel it's by yahoo answers user k who asks does fish oil make your booty pop

i'm just a macaroy i'm travis macaroy i'm griffin macaroy this is about my brother my brother may kiss your dad scorey on the lips maximum fun dot or comedy and culture artist owned listener supported hello i'm taco the elephant magician moral high church here the master of clerical magic i'm magnus burnzide the fighter did you guys like that did you the listener like that you were just swept up in a world of high fantasy magic where anything can happen and anything is possible i am griffin macaroy dungeon master for the adventure zone a new podcast on maximum fun in which magic and mystery intertwined for a very erotically charged role playing experience you can catch it every other

thursday here on maximum fun dot org for it's for dungeons and dragons but with family