My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 236: Chobani Hell

Episode Date: January 26, 2015

What an emotional rollercoaster this episode is! From anger about Dude-spread, to inner peace about Wallace Shawn's bedside manner, and then back to anger over Justin's haunted dolls, and then even deeper anger about Beef Nugs, we explore every facet of the human condition. Suggested talking points: Big Game Watch, Invisible and Pregnant, Stroking to Death, Birthday Effort, Haunted Doll Watch, Magic Texts, Beef Nugs Lecture

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, welcome to my brother, my brother, me, Super Bowl Watch 2015. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. Bum bum bum, bum bum bum, I'm Travis McElroy. And I'm Papa John's Manning.

That's his fuse with it. He has become one. He has been absorbed by the pizza chain, known as Papa John's, and he is one with them. All is right with the world. I'm Papa John's Manning. You know, a lot of people say they only, Super Bowl is coming up next Sunday before our next episode comes out. So we just wanted to open the door a little bit for the sports enthusiasts to finally find a place for my brother, my brother, me, where we can really talk ball and and and and puck big. Well, big game is coming up Sunday. A lot of people say they only watch it for the ads. You know what I watch it for? What? The cheerleaders. Justin.

It's a sport griffin. They don't even, they don't even have those anymore. Revs my engine. February. It was the last time you watched a football game and saw cheerleaders. They don't, I don't think they have them anymore. The last one I watched was that Patriots game where they had deflated the cheerleaders. They didn't perform as well. Just little fleshy blobs. Yeah. Just sort of warbling around on the sidelines. Didn't really get anybody, especially Sykes, but that did not stop the Patriots from coming away with a big, decisive victory over the Indiana Colts. It did make me wonder what they thought the in game of that would be. Like, maybe if we a little bit, a little bit of the blood out of our cheerleaders, they'll be better.

I don't know. I'm really looking forward to the big game. Are you looking for the big game? Who's in it this year? A lot of people are still wondering. Well, we have to wait and see who shows up. Well, I think that's part of it because you default if you don't get there in time and with traffic these days. Oh my God, where is that movie? What about trying to get to the Super Bowl? Yeah. Like they all oversleep in New England and they have to get to Denver or wherever they're doing the Super Bowl this year. But then they forget Kevin. Oh my God, we forgot Tom Brady. And he just shows him in his underwear sliding around the house. That's his aftershave bit. Him and Giselle have to fight off Joe Pashy. None of this is good so far.

This is all very bad stuff. You said everything we've done ever is funny. Uh-huh. And the streak ends today. Why won't people sit next to me on the bus? Every morning on my way to work, I'm one of the first to get on the bus. As the bus fills up, I end up being the last person sitting alone. People will often opt to stand before sitting next to me. I'm very quiet, fairly well-dressed, average-looking guy who showers every morning. Help me, brothers. Am I just being paranoid? Or is there a method to being the cool guy on the bus? Everyone wants to sit next to you. That's from potentially creepy bus guy in Seattle. I totally get this and I know what it is. Oh, okay. Well good. Just sort of putting your foot down, huh? Just sort of putting

the Travis Stamp on this one. Claiming it for your own. You want it too bad. That might be it, yeah. I mean, I've been that dude where it's that idea of like... Do you do that thing where you like raise your eyebrows and pat the seat like... Well, it's like somebody starts to walk up and you kind of like subconsciously like adjust yourself, like preparing to make a new friend. And it's like, I want to look the most normal now. And it's like, what's that guy wiggling about? I don't want to sit next to the wiggly dude. Are you maybe whenever anybody walks by, you maybe go, say it's taken. Just like a nervous tick. Yeah. If you forgot to mention that bit, that is some primo, primo background that we definitely,

definitely needed. I honestly, I think that a part of it is in this day and age, being a perfectly normal, like average looking dude is for some reason become like a huge red flag. Well, yeah, because those are the hate crimeers. Those are the people who like fuck up the worst. It's never, our profiling has been flipped on its ear because the people who want to do heinous shit know they're going to get away with it if they put on some fucking H&M. Like I've watched so much CSI and shit and it's always like the normal looking dude that's like the serial killer. It's never the big bearded tattooed biker guy. He's the guy who volunteers his time on the weekends at like the big brothers, big sisters, you know, whatever. And it's like,

okay, he's actually a good guy who just lives his life every day and he's just made some interesting like, you know, outfit choices today. It's the normal looking dude who puts people in freezers. Are people just too polite? Like for me, if I'm on a bus or like an airport shuttle, maybe, you know, from one terminal to the next, if there's an open seat, and the only one is like next to people, I will probably stand. Woof. I will probably go ahead and stand. I don't want to be the guy that ruins somebody's day by touching them, cramming in next to them. You don't want to make that human connection, that most blissful human experience of sweet, soft human touch. I'm also, if it's like the

lassie, I'm also very nervous that somewhere on there there's a pregnant woman that I just haven't spotted and somebody. And you'll accidentally sit on her? No, like she's standing. People are looking at me like, look it, look it, look it. Justin's not suggesting that, honey, I shrunk you and you're pregnant is a thing. No. She could also be invisible. Yeah, invisible pregnant women on buses are getting to be a pretty serious issue. Somewhere in the- Hey, Obama. And the third trimester, ladies just turn invisible. I don't get it. It's a one in a hundred kind of chance, but as a side effect of pregnancy invisibility. Sorry, a one in a hundred? Yep, it's becoming more and more prevalent as we put GMOs into more stuff. GMOs turn all our pregnant

women invisible. Cut it out, GMOs. GMO, you've done it again. Smooched another tiny invisible pregnant woman. Is GMO the tiny alien from the Flintstones? Yes, I have- Hey, GMO, I've come to turn all your pregnant women invisible. GMO. Um, can I ask why this is bothering you? Woma, why are you, why are you invisible, Woma? What have you told me? Well, Fred, this is what I sound like on the cartoon, I think. Yeah. I'm pregnant. I didn't know how to tell you, but I'm invisible. I guess you guessed it. Can I ask why this is a problem for you? Why this is bothering you that you're not, I mean, I get it. I love that sweet, blissful, celestial human interaction of a soft thigh-to-thigh touch. I'm real into that through the gene stuff,

but that might not be everybody's cup of tea. Like, this seems like it wouldn't bother Justin if people didn't sit next to you on a bus. That actually seems like it would be kind of a superpower for you. I bet it's like this, Gervin. I bet it's like the first time it happened, he was like, awesome, great. See it all to myself. At the same time, he was like, what are the, what are the odds twice in a row? And then by like the 32nd time, he was like, do I smell? Like, what is the thing? What's going on? This is honestly more of a concern to me on a, on like a plane. I used to fly a lot more before we had the kiddo and I can remember very clearly being like in the middle seat of a plane and not having anyone on the left and the plane, they're doing

that thing where it's like, I don't see any more people coming on. Oh my God. And I'm already like planning how I'm going to stretch out, like how quick I'm going to get that armrest up and put my bag underneath there and put my diet Mountain Dew inside the thing and take his Sky Mall and keep that one. I've got all the friends out of magazines and sitting in the chair next to you, turn to him and say, Oh my God, are you watching this movie? Maze runner is amazing. Tell him that my wife is in the bathroom and or pregnant and invisible and go ahead and just leave her meal there and or made of magazines and or and I've got all these great plans and then just Johnny come latest. They're just strolling up the aisle. Oh, I think this is yeah, I bet it is.

I bet that is your seat there. Go ahead. And it's always the only thing worse than that stinkiest salad in the entire arrow prayer toe. He went to every restaurant smelled the salads. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, too fresh, too fresh smelling. Do you have any with garbage? Do you have any from like a week ago that you threw out to refrigerate? From a week ago that have Vienna sausages toasted into croutons. Could you put that on here? That would be great. The worst moment to me on a plane is when you walk on and someone is like sitting in your seat. And like that that confrontation to me is like a Sisyphusian level of like, Hey, you see, I'm actually so and there's like a line of people waiting to sit down

behind you. I don't know why that moment makes me so awkward, but it like because it's my seat, I fucking paid for it. It's not like I'm trying to steal it from him. And but like the three times I've had to do that in my life, the person responded like I was taking the chariest seat. What do you want to do? Why can't I just steal it? Not to turn this into Seinfeld the podcast, but the other thing about Jesus Christ, when you have to put your bag like 10 rolls back because it's the only one and then there are people looking on the plane. So you have to be that guy who's like fighting against the tide. Like yes, this is what we're doing now. Crowd surf me back again. You get a lot of that through

the jeans interaction. Yeah, we're not talking about it. Can we actually do just quick PSX effect is the hot topic right now. And I feel like we need to maybe make our opinion clear on it. Or like, I feel like the hot topic right now that everybody's talking about is like dude, dude spread, spread in their legs just to get man's man's. Is that what it is? Is that the is that the scientific term is man spread? That's correct. Let's talk about man spread. Keep it together. Keep them closed. I just got back from Pax South, San Antonio, where I covered several panels where I was sitting in the middle of like a row between two dudes that I just wanted to bust out like a courtesy protractor and like shove it

between their junk and just show them how bad they were fucking up. Just show them I would do, I would have two protractors, one for my own ruined, flattened paninas and their, their, their giant greater than sign that they had going on in their pants and just show them how bad they were fucking up. Just like do a quick measurement of how much percentile of my own cushion they were occupying with their, with their, their meat. I, oh God. If somebody does that, you just have to cross your legs so that your foot is resting on their leg. And if they look at you, just eyeball them real hard. I saw an exo one who was like doing it so heinously that I couldn't, I had like my laptop in my lap because I was like taking notes. I was covering the panel. I had one dude that was

like so heinous about it that I had to like sit off the corner of my chair and it was like an hour along. It was like really uncomfortable. So after a while, I just like fucking like cuddled with this guy. Just like fucking like, nope. Okay. I'm, I guess I have to fight for my right to like be here right now. And I know that's not an equitable solution for everybody, especially when it's short sweater, but just like, Oh guys, just be constantly vigilant and alert about how you're, how you're, how you're sort of occupying stuff. If the person next to you is employing manspread, it just start rubbing their jeans and ask them if they have a mint or some gum. And then after they say no, keep asking. If their jeans pocket has a mint in it and that pocket is on your cushion,

that it's your mint. It's your shit. Manifest destiny, baby. Give me that mint. Mint to fest destiny. Give me that pocket. Manspread to fest destiny. Oh, that was it. I think mantafest is actually better Travis. How about a Yahoo answer? I wish I'd said mine first. How about a Yahoo? We'll fix it in post. How about that's not how post works. How about a Yahoo? Yeah, can you put one in in post? Yeah, I'll put this Yahoo in in post. All right guys. So that was a great question. Just in time to move on to the next one. This Yahoo was sent in by game recognized game. Rachel Sparling. Thank you. It's by Yahoo answers user Rob who asks, which celebrity would you like? Sorry, which celebrity would you like to

stroke your hair if you were dying? You are lying on your deathbed and are about to merge with the infinite. You can summon any celebrity living or dead to stoke you hair as you fade away. Who would it be? Harvey Feierstein. Oh, sorry. That's not in there. But just like, I just got so excited about my answer. But of course, it'd be Harvey Feierstein. Griffin. Griffin, you're dying. You're going to be with Jesus. Going to be with Jesus soon. Against all odds. Harvey Feierstein has outlived you. I'll carry on your legacy. I'll tell the tales of your bravery. Oh, wait. Griffin, I'm dying too. Can you stroke my hair? Griffin, what do a hair stroking dying 69 Griffin?

You actually sound like the female frog woman from Rocco's modern life. Thank you, Rocco. You're jumping in the path of that bullet for me that muggers assailant was coming for me and you saved my life. You're a hero, Griffin. Oh, fuck. You're the greatest man I've ever met. I'll never forget you. It'll be good. For several reasons. One, I bet he's very, like, tender in that situation, but he has a good, like, bedside manner when somebody's shuffling off. That's why I can hear him say, it's okay. It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay. You're going to be at peace. It's hard to say shh in a Harvey Feierstein voice.

It just sounds like a malfunctioning robot. Also, I feel like after like a few minutes of it, I would just sort of be ready to just, like, not hear it anymore, to just be like anywhere else, including the infinite that I'm about to merge with. I think Tommy Lee Jones would shame me into coming back to life. Oh, shit. What do you think you're doing? You're trying to fall asleep to die. You're ready to die now. Come back to life. I should have known that. Coward.

I should have known that this question was going to surface the fact that we're fucking bad at impressions. I don't know what you're talking about. We are nailing these. Now, what if Tim Curry was there to show me that? Griffin. The impression all three of us can do slam dunk. Griffin, I brought you a fresh cheese pizza. It's full of adrenaline. How'd you do that? I'll shove it straight in your heart, Griffin. See you met my faithful Saint Peter.

All that would be good. I would do Channing Tatum just because I'd like to, like, hang out with them. The one thing that we're not addressing here is it's great to meet these awesome celebrities, but who's going to be the best one at stroking your hair? You know what I mean? Because I think Channing Tatum is going to end up being pretty lazy about it. Yeah, anyway, we'd like do like a bro laugh. Yeah, and that's not going to make you feel comfortable. I want to be soothed. How about this? Let me hit you guys with this. Dolly fucking a parton. Oh, that's a good one.

I would do that today. I would do that today. I would die today if I could get Dolly parton to stroke my hair while I go, while I shuffle. Can I say somebody who I think would be surprisingly good would be John Favreau? I feel like John Favreau. You know what? Yeah, because he makes it special. He does. You know, he makes everything a little fun. You watch, you watch, you watch Zathura and you think like this is going to be like a dumb space jumanji rip off some acts, some dax shepherd action.

But then you know what happens there at the end? They make it kind of special, don't they? They do make it special. What do you guys think about this? Ving Reims. Damn. Ving Reims. Yeah, probably surprisingly tender. I mean, he's no Michael Clark Duncan who would have been a fantastic. This says you can summon any celebrity living or dead.

So, oh my God, how good that? Okay, that's a game over. Well, no, I'm going to summon Jesus. Yeah, of course. Jesus. Hey, what's up? Where am I? You're in a hospital. I'm dying. Cool. So did you need anything? Yeah. Can I get in heaven? I guess. Sure. Cool. Boop.

Perfect. Perfect. Oh, I should have asked him to keep me from dying too late. No, Michael Clark Duncan would be so sick because he could be like, it's pretty dope up there. You're going to really dig it. Now let me stroke your hair. I don't got any, but let me open my mouth and eat your disease. That's he I told you this so many times that that was not a documentary. You know what? I'm going to go back on what I said and I'm just going to stick with the

cool factor and go with John Stamos. Okay. You think John Stamos would be good? What if he tried to turn it into a fucking yogurt commercial though? That's I'm counting on that. You know what? You know what? The last thing I'd want in my mouth is some oikos, blueberry, animals. You know, dying is a regular part of life.

And speaking of regular, just a little bit of yogurt every day will help keep you that way. I just have a birthday. Goodbye, sweet friends. I just needed a kidney transplant, but I couldn't find. Actually, I'm compatible. I'm John Stamos. I can give you a kidney. Just one question though. What's your favorite yogurt? Jabani. Bye, motherfucker.

Wrong. Say hi to Satan for me. Is John Stamos a universal kidney donor? I'm a universal. My kidneys are perfect. I'm John fucking Stamos. Just one question. What kind of yogurt do you like to party with?

Go Gert. Go Gert? Yeah, I'm seven. Bye. You're going to Chabani Hell. St. Peter appeared to you to whisk you away and he was like, have mercy. God, I just, I, I think I honestly, I would be happy with any celebrity beggars can't really be choosers.

Wallace Sean. Wallace Sean would be really good. Oh my God, guys. Owen Wilson. Why him? So soothing. Yeah, I said, you're going to die. Hold on, wait, let me check it. Yeah, you're going to, it's going to be real cool.

You're just going to die. You sound like Dr. Evil. Yeah, you're just going to die and stuff. Yeah. And I don't know, it's going to be okay. You know, what is that? Everybody knows you're about to die. But what my book re-supposes is maybe you didn't.

Oh man, what a great. I like that when Griffin does an impression of Owen Wilson, he ages him 40 years for some reason. Just you're going to die, you know. Brothers, I have a birthday coming up and every year I'm plagued by the sheer number of happy birthday wishes I get. They range from close friends and family to basically total randos. I have no idea how to respond.

Do I simply like every status? Oh, so like a Facebook thing. Yeah, yeah. Do I respond to everyone with a heartfelt paragraph? Is it rude to only respond to some? Do I completely ignore all of them? Am I good? That's from no clue in North Carolina.

You know what I like? You don't move. I like. Thanks, you too. But Griffin, it's not their birthday. Yeah, that's a fucking bit. But that seems like it would be confusing to them because they would say like me too.

What could he mean by that? I think that you only highlight the best ones. You only think the best ones. And then people understand that like everything in life is a competition. And if they didn't get that thanks, then maybe they should have put a little bit more effort into it. And I think that because I put a lot of fucking effort. I go, man, I holler for that.

Thank you. You know what I mean? I disagree, Griffin, because I live a life of a social contract that I understand I'm putting the least amount of effort and just putting happy birthday exclamation point. Maybe I capitalize H and B maybe. And I know that they don't have to respond. But they know that I knew it was their birthday.

And I know that they knew that I knew it was their birthday and we're done. I get on YouTube and I find I search like happy birthday. Douglas or, you know, if it's Douglas, Douglas's birthday. And I, I Google YouTube search that and I find videos of like parents singing to their kids having a birthday, Douglas and put that on their wall. That's especially good for your orphan friends. Yeah, I'm like, I like to make it special, you know. See, I sometimes will just have Teresa log in and wish someone a happy birthday for

me. But I don't let her fancy it up. Happy birthday exclamation point done. I've actually stopped doing this because I live in constant fear that people are changing their birthdays on Facebook all the time, just so I try and catch you in a trap because I used to do that. And I feel fucking terrible about it now. But that used to be my jam in college.

Like when Facebook was still in its infancy and I would change my birthday to like today and just like wait and see like the closest person who would write on my wall wishing me happy birthday just to see like, I guess you don't love me at all, huh? We all have those wild college stories. I do listen. I do get, I was going to make fun of this question asker a little bit and say like, oh, first world problem. But I actually, I really totally get it.

The more I think about it, you try to stay on top of it. And like the first couple hours of the day, you know, you're really good at like, thanks man. Or like, you know, at least liking everyone. But then like as you go about your day and get caught up doing stuff, you lose it. And then pretty soon it's like two days later and you're like, do I go back through and say thank you to everyone now? Or will that just seem hollow?

Yeah. Or like, I get it. Let me let me propose just like a general post like I'm overwhelmed by all the birthday wishes. Thank you so much. Wish I could like them all, but I'm like out. That would take like 45 seconds. I'm like trying to live my life.

I'm living my life every damn day to the fullest. Let me. The Wallachian strokes my hair till I die. Strokes me to death. Let me hit you all with this. Wallachian strokes me to death. This is like sort of, I guess, a catch-all for any sort of. Wait.

Sidebar. Quick Wallachian sidebar. All right. Sydney just read the book. Yeah, Rachel did too. Princess Bride. She told me the best story about Wallachian that apparently he had it in his head that they, what they really wanted was Danny DeVito for the part, but they couldn't get DeVito.

So they got Wallachian. They, Carl Ryder, denies this, but Wallachian was convinced about it. And he said that about half of the time he was, they were filming, he was really distracted because he kept thinking in his head about how Danny DeVito would have done it better and how he could do it more like Danny DeVito. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's why every day, like look over your shoulder. It's DeVito.

He's always there waiting, waiting for you. Oh, just in the corner of your eye. But if you look directly at him, he disappears and you're like, what was that? Nothing, nothing Wallace. Just go on. Just let's start at the top. It's Mr. Steal your role. He's right there waiting, waiting to jump into the scene.

DeVito, the original Baba Duke. This is sort of, I guess, a catch-all for any sort of social media quandary. And that is that none of this garbage matters at all. Is that, am I the only one on that page where like nobody gives a fuck? They were forgetting that they were doing it letter by letter. Like by the time they wrote the Y and exclamation point in Happy Birthday. No, it's gone. They hit, it was gone.

What? Like, except. And even if it's like, we'll take it to the extreme, right? Say it's your triple grandma. And she's like, she's grandma's real hard. And she spins like three hours artisanally crafting a Facebook post. And then just sort of like F5's it waiting for that like to pop up. And it doesn't.

She will be upset about it for like 12 minutes. And then that's that moment. She's off living her life. And then that moment is gone. It's in the past. And it's not even like an especially savory moment. So like the thing, the problem is, is that it's, it's taken over what used to be like, oh, it's my best friend's birthday.

I'm going to send him a card. And now it's like, oh, it's my best friend's birthday. Well, that's the minimal amount of effort. The card happy birthday. The card thing is also debatable because then you're extended. You're prolonging that moment, that magic moment for, I don't know, like an hour or two. But then nobody's going to remember that fucking card. And I mean, like, it's, I get what you're saying.

It's just like any, anything you've ever done all the time you've ever spent, like tweeting great shit on Twitter, unless you like got a comedy writing gig off of how good your tweets are, which like six people have done. Like that shit matters. Or you got three episodes of a sitcom, like the, like the shit my dad says guy. Like none of that, none of it matters. None of it matters. If it is your best friend's birthday.

If it's someone that you would want to like wish you a happy birthday, give them a call. It's like 40 seconds, a minute, most. And just say like, Hey, I'm willing to speak to you as one human being to another without written word getting in the way. I love you very much. Happy birthday. I'm not like upset that we're fielding questions about social media aptitude. I'm not.

I just don't want you. I don't want anybody like waste a precious moment of this, you know, spin around this crazy, this third rock from the sun, fucking stressing about their favorites. You know what I mean? It's an excellent point because at this point it's your birthday. The last thing any of these people who care about you enough to like at least say happy birthday to you, they're not doing it to stress you out worrying about who you're going to respond to. Like, and if they are, then you don't need to respond to them in the first place.

So like either they love you enough that they don't, that they're doing it because they just wanted to wish you happy birthday or they're doing it so that you will acknowledge that they're awesome people who wish you happy birthday. Either way, you don't have to worry about it. Just power down your asus. Shut it down. Close your clients. Go out there, eat a nice meal.

Go just take a dip in a beautiful crystal clear spring. And then quietly die. And quietly die. Wallace Sean just kisses you on the neck. I just died and Wallace Sean. Arms tonight. I added some syllables back there. Okay.

Money time. Here we go. Do you guys think 2015 is the year that we fucking just get off Twitter all together? Do you think it's the year that we just- The three of us? The three of us can be the captains of the fucking exodus space freighter. I love Twitter. If fucking 2014 didn't drive me off of Twitter, I don't know what's going to, honestly.

2014, we were all under assault. We were all under attack so much. We had enemies at the gates at every gate. There were like 30 gates and there were enemies at all of them. We didn't have time to play in the exodus. This is the year. Two of every animal. Let's fucking do it, guys.

Come on, get on my freighter. Come on, we're going to LO. We're all going to LO together. We're gonna be saved. Get in my car, we're going to LO. Have you ever wanted to build an iPhone app? To replace Twitter? Make an Instagram or Snapchat like that, but better to replace Twitter.

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Here's something you can waste your time on the internet. That's not a waste. It's good for you. It's good for you. It's just like, this is my new 2015 thing. We're all fucking bad at the internet. We all click on shit that we know is going to make us angry because dumb people wrote it to make you angry

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What days can you have your internet connected? The weekends. You shouldn't be spending it. We spend every Sunday on the internet recording this goddamn show. And it's like, it makes me cry inside. But that's the thing. When Wallashan is stroking my hair in the death bed,

he'd be like, do you have any regrets? That was fucking awesome. That was fucking awesome. That was great. Guys, I've never tried that before. That was a one take Wallashan fucking slam dunk poop shot. Wallashan no more. Do you have any regrets?

And I'll be like, you should edit in and edit out all the ones you did before that and then edit. No, don't say that. Don't say that. Try at it. Edit that in. God damn it, Justin. I'll let it, you saying that out.

Now who's the victor? I am the king of content. But Wallashan. If you edit out him saying that, it will be a paradox. Okay. This is going to be a 45 second long episode of Wallashan's Strokes My Hair. What are you, you got any regrets?

That's not as good. You try to begin. Shut up. And I'll say, yeah, a lot of wasted Sunday hours that cause been in church. Anyway, what are we talking about? One month, one month.com slash my brother. You're going to be able to save 25% off of your first class.

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smelling some bark, I want you to reach in your bag and you're going to pull out over 100 nutritionists to prove snacks. Nature box has something for everyone. It's got no artificial flavors, no colors, no sweeteners, no, it got zero grams. Well, no griffin, hold on. It does have colors.

It doesn't have artificial colors. No, it can't be perceived by the dumb cones in your human eyes. Only locusts can see nature box snacks. They don't have GMOs, but they are invisible. It's fucked up. Anyway, they don't got trans fats. They don't got high fructose corn syrup.

They don't got tweets. Anyway, you can get all kinds of great stuff. They got sriracha roasted cashews. They got pistachio powered clusters. Those are going to make you more powerful. They got big island pineapple. That's going to help you appreciate the beaches that you're exploring, that you're backpacking

through Sicily. It's going to be great. You have the chance to try nature box for free with a trial box of five of their most popular snacks. Free snacks, five of them, five bags of free snacks. You're going to get them for free because they're free snacks. What do we have to do to get you into some free snacks today? We're going to shrink your body down.

And we're going to put you in a bag of nature box and you're just going to have a cocoa yum yum ball pit experience. But what's that over there? It's a guy in a tiny exoskeleton. He's going to fight with you. That's okay because you're going to break through the glass on his mask. And then I think Martin Schwartz's stomach acid

is going to eat away at him. I thought you said his name was Martin Schwartz. Martin Schwartz, the comedian. Can we all agree that Martin Schwartz would be the worst death bed buddy? He would not take it serious. He would make it all about him. He would make it all about him.

Yeah. Damn it. This is my this is my death. Can you not be like goofing right now? Oh yeah. Oh yeah, it's your impression of the of the Hollywood guy. Fuck. What's his name?

Jiminy Glick. Yeah. And I don't think it's an impression of him. I think he just like made him. Yeah. I don't think he's basing that on a real Jiminy Glick. Jiminy Glick. Great.

I'm I wanted that to be my last. You know what Travis? You say that, but we all know a Jiminy Glick, don't we? It look at yourself. Are you the Jiminy? If you look around the table and you don't see the Jiminy Glick, you are the Jiminy Glick. Go to naturebox.com slash my brother.

We're going to get you those free snacks. You're going to eat them. You're going to be a happier, better person. Chelsea Kerr, I got a message for you from Adam Ford. And he says what better time a year than candlelight to take revenge upon your chief for a birthday jumbotron message? I can suggest maybe a better time would be January 25th. Maybe January 25th, literally a one calendar month after.

That's what makes it a surprise. There's a vengeance day yet. So here's some dirt on Chelsea. Oh, she is her godmother. Oh, no, no, Katie like my money. Katie Lang doing Hallelujah is the best version of it. Sorry to Rubis Wainwright. Sorry to Jeff Jeff.

Sorry to Shrek for Shrek's version of Hallelujah. It distracts things and Shrek. Chelsea is extremely good looking. Whoa, Justin loves border collies more than horses. Happy candlelight, Chelsea. I'm sorry that that was a month ago. It doesn't say that, but I'm saying. Now what it says is you're a butt.

Okay. Oh, man. Got her, Adam. That was a zinger. Way to way to really nail her to the wall there, Adam. You really showed her. Is it embarrassing that Katie Lang is your godmother? Because I think that's awesome.

Right. Well, he just says it's dark. So it's like if we need to, you know, get a private investigation going, there are the facts that we just needed a little leverage against Katie Lang. Finally, we can put our plan in place. So happy birthday.

Kind of. Chelsea. Nope, not birthday. You just saw the word birthday in there and you just sort of let it roll. You know what? It's been so long. It may be her birthday bar now.

It's impossible to know. Happy Arbor Day. Who knows when this fucking thing's going up? Happy Vengeance Day, Chelsea. People don't know. We record these episodes months in advance. Yeah. I got a message for Dave and the message is from Kasey and Matt.

Kasey and Matt. Oh, guys, I'm sorry. And Jojo. Don't. Come on. You think Kasey has never gotten that before? I really wanted to sing that song, but then I couldn't remember it.

Oh, do you mean tell me it's real? This fan of my life. There it is. See, a lot of people go for that. Tell me it's real is obviously the superior Kasey and Jojo song. Listen, we could spend the rest of the episode talking about the Kasey. We all have strong opinions about the Kasey and Jojo Uvra.

Let me crack open the Kasey and Jojo Omnibus. And I will go through their B-sides. The Kasey and Jojo Nomicon? Can I just? Dave, Merry Christmas and congrats on your probability to manufacture a child. You're always hard to shop for, so we thought the best gift would be to pay the Macquarie family

to confess that your gigantic new baby is way better than theirs. What? Oh, no. Oh, no, son. Incorrect. Wrong. Oh, you can't force me to say that hot. Now, when they say better than theirs,

does that intimate that like Charlie is like all of ours and like a weird three brothers in a baby situation? Yeah, maybe. I'm pretty sure Justin has like the main claim. So claim, yeah. Good question. Did Dave make a baby from spare parts? Dave, congratulations on small wondering.

Everyone said you couldn't do it and then you did do it. Small wonder was an image there, right? Yeah, small one. Yeah. Yeah, right. Well, in America, that's what it was. In Europe and I believe most of West Asia, it was called Blossom. Metric wonder.

OK. In Japan, it was called My Daughter the Secret, which is odd. It is an odd bit of translation. Do you want to finish reading? Happy birthday, Dave. Well, you didn't even finish reading the message. OK, maybe we could set our babies up.

Allah swan princess style. JK, unless you guys are into that. Merry Christmas. Love you. OK, guys. Listen, here's a serious. We got to stop mentioning the date that you think this will happen because it will not happen then.

You have to stop putting holidays in these. It's nice though. And like, I don't know. It's a nice little rainbow connection that both of these people fucked up. Like at the same time, like maybe somewhere underneath that big bright moon, we somebody else is fucking up in addition to me. Into a piece of your timing. Dave, happy.

I don't know. Super Bowl Sunday to Chelsea. We love all of you. But we have important pressing business. It's Haunted Doll Watch live from my brother, my brother and me. Haunted Doll Watch, our new hit feature that everybody is crazy about, where I look for the latest and greatest in Haunted Dolls on the eBay service. Today, we've got a really hot one coming in.

And I mean that literally Haunted Spirited Paranormal Scary Burn Doll Spirit Alicia Creepy. What? That is the listing. Let me go ahead and link my brothers there so you can find it. If you're playing along at home, you can certainly just Google that on eBay. Geez. Oh my God. So this is a horrifically burned naked baby doll,

which I mentioned only because the story that I'm about to tell is going to seem batshit. Here we go. Burn doll, Alicia, found at the remains of a house fire in 1997 in New York on Christmas Eve. The items were put out on the curb and she was rescued by a native. Oh, I got it. Oh, I got the doll. Oh, that was cool.

You got it. I saved her. Hope this shit's not haunted. The gentleman who brought her to me said his wife who rescued her. Okay, which? Okay, got it. I'm getting some mixed details here. Yeah, mixed details here.

Kept her in her craft room. Burn the craft room. Listen. Kept her in her craft room and would talk to her as if she could understand her every word she was happiest when she was with the doll. I mean. Look at that fucking doll and tell me that that is not 100% cockamamie bullshit. Doll, I feel like you get me.

You make me feel so like understood creepy, creepy, creepy burned ass doll with, it looks like muscular tissue underneath your burn eyes. I'm just here to help you. I'm Harvey Fiestin. I've inhabited this burned, burned ass doll. No, the doll was apparently inhabited by a girl who was in the fire. Oh, great. Here is the next sentence.

He never said anything about the doll because his wife knew the girl and was despondent about the fire. Okay, so he brings his wife home a burned doll. Hey, honey. I'm a trash pile. I got you this garbage ass burned ass doll, maybe haunted. Do you want to talk to it? Maybe put it in your craft room? You were just saying how you wanted more, you wanted more ruined shitty garbage.

His wife recently passed, so Alicia needs a new home. Her unique traits are a cold chill in the area surrounding her. Great. There may be more if you're accepted by her. I am selling her for Mr. Beck, the owner of the doll. Wait, I want to break down that last thing. If you're accepted by her, if she's like, yeah, you're cool, we can hang. You're cool.

Now, let me just sort of demonstrate some more. My ghost powers. Did you want that table to float because now it's floating? Are you chilly? There are six pictures of this doll on the eBay. Sorry, eight pictures of the doll. In case you didn't get it from the first one, where it's a horrifically burned mess. And if you look closely at the pictures of the doll,

you'll notice that she's sitting in a tiny lawn chair, really festive. Well, that's it. She wasn't burning a fire. She got too much sun. There are two beds already on this. So you want to get in there soon. Current bid is $29. So make sure you pick up Alicia creepy spirit burn.

Yeah. Scary paranormal. It is upsetting to me that the current bid is $29 and the shipping is $23. It's upsetting to me that there is more than one bid. There's a bidding war for haunted spirit, paranormal, scary, burned, doll spirit, Alicia creepy. Everybody fucking hop in to my vessel. Away we go.

Bye, internet. Bye, internet. Hi, everybody. I'm Justin McElroy. And I'm Dr. Sydney McElroy. Every Tuesday, we bring you solvones, a marital tour of misguided medicine, a show about all the dumb, weird, terrible ways that we've tried to fix each other over the years. You know, some light summer listening.

Maybe you want to hear about yogurt enemas or why we tried to eat mummies for a while or why drinking cholera diarrhea sounded like a good idea. That and so much more is waiting for you every Tuesday right here on the Maximum Fun Network with Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. Do y'all want a yahoo? Yes. This yahoo was sent in by Eric Lawrenson. Thank you, Eric.

It's by Yahoo Answers user Christina who asks, I've always wondered this. That's in all caps. When you send out a text message and before the other person receives the message, where does it go? It has always been picking at my brain. It goes to space, right? It goes to space. It goes to the Staj.

That's my Sean Connery in Dragonheart. Okay. And the Staj boys while your text messages go. Lots of really great impressions, a lot of really A material. I mean, first it goes across, I feel like a ticker on President Obama's desk. He clears it. He clears it for, I mean, he checks it. He misspells words that you would actually spell correctly.

Because he's a little scamp. Most people don't know this. Obama is spell check. He is the spell check. He is clippy. He takes your sex and he makes them sexier. He adds a lot. I'm surprised he didn't address that and say Union like if you're wondering why

I did not get more done in my tenure in office because I had to read all of your text messages. I had to juice up your sex. A lot of really good impressions. We know when all of you moms out there send one single thought in like seven text messages. Just word after word after word. I had to read all those. President Obama. I always imagine that text messages and phone calls are a lot like that scene in Willy Wonko.

Thank you. I was literally just about to say that. That is my entire understanding of broadcast information, wireless internet, everything is that. It goes up in the sky and just kind of sits there. Turns into a little boy until you download it. You send a text. It turns into a boy. It disintegrates that boy.

It sends him flying. The little boy appears on your friend's cell phone and then is like what up? Because that's what you texted. And then they stretch him. Hey you up. Please let me out of your phone. It's me, MikeTV. Hey you up.

Hey did you watch Arrow last night? From dad. Every time you text message you kill a boy for a little bit. But then he comes back to life but little and data. That's why fucking AT&T and Verizon all them shits they gotta put caps on stuff. Stop killing them. You went over your killing little boy limit this month and there's gonna be an extra $10. Killing's not the right word.

You're temporarily killing via dissolution. You disexist him. Yeah. That's a word. But then you re-exist him to be like. Is that why my phone memory is always so full? Because it's just full of little boys. I needed to delete some of those.

You really do. Does anybody actually know? I feel like whenever like Jeff AT&T invented text messages. Whenever Steven Michael Stevens SMS invented text messages. And he like sent the first one and it showed up on somebody else's phone. He was probably like whoa. And it said what half god wrong. How did that happen?

Thank you smiley face. How did that even happen? It must be Ghost Rider. And then for years everybody thought it was Ghost Rider when the truth is that. They got it. It's Ghost Rider. You know when people like hold their phones up to windows or something to try to get like better service.

And everybody's like what are you doing? That doesn't work. You don't know that. You don't know. You don't know shit about phones. You're holding your phone up to the window and Ghost Rider's like floating around. Like let's see. Is this supposed to go to 2323 apartment B?

Where is the interest? Oh never mind. There it is. Zoop. What up? I got a question here. Hi brothers. I don't know what to do about.

This is pressing. So I got to answer it now. Hi brothers. I don't know what to do about invitations to my Superbowl party. Our friend group has a couple in it who recently split up due to one member of the couple finding someone new. I already stupidly told both members about the Superbowl get together. One person says she will not attend if her ex's new significant other is there.

Problem solved. I haven't. Yeah. I haven't yet sent an email. How do I delicately make sure that everyone who is there will not explode in a horrible rage fight? That's from super befuddled for the Superbowl. Let's make this quick. Like the actual practical.

We can go for, you know, talk about how we'll make them like fight or like play a football game outside in the win. We'll do that dumb shit later. But I feel like we've addressed this before where that's not your goddamn problem. Nope. Super isn't your problem. Invite them both. They can show up if they want.

They can be fucking adults if they want. The only beef you have to worry about is in the cheese dip. Yep. Don't put beef in your cheese dip. That seems awfully excessive. Oh no. It sounds really good. Like if you do like sausage in there.

Ooh. Speaking of beef. Remind me to circle back around after this question about beef nugs. Remind me to circle back around and yell at everybody who listens to our show about fucking beef nugs. And you know what we answered the question? Question answered. Okay.

Question answered. Just invite. Okay. Beef nugs. Things that aren't beef nugs. Meatballs. Meatballs. Yeah, it's just like a chicken nugget.

No, it's not. It's just a little sphere of beef. That's not a beef nugget. What about Jack Link's beef jerky beef nuggets? Oh, do you mean that shit? I literally said while we were recording. You literally heard me say that's not a beef nugget. What about steak?

What about little chunks of steak? No, not a beef nugget. What about steak fingers? You literally just said finger, not nugget. You all are fucking Kelly. I love you. Thank you for the support. Thank you for donating to maximum fun.

You really help us. I don't know if you can tell I'm recording with a new mudguard. I just bought a new mic setup. You're going to enjoy a lot of my just fat sound pipes next week. Things that aren't beef nugs. Everything. They don't exist. Somebody actually made a video of them making beef nuggets.

They are the only person on earth who has cracked that fucking Dan Brown beefy DaVinci code. Everybody else, stop telling me meatballs are beef nuggets. Oh God, Elizabeth Gilbert, you too. You're like the smartest person ever. I told her that I thought it was acceptable. Yeah, because you fucking buckled under the weight of her massive brain. I did. Star power and her charisma.

I did. You're fucking killing me, everybody. Stop telling me steak fingers are beef nuggets. Use your goddamn brain for a second. Quit doing it like we're the idiots. Oh, you stupid. Fucking meatballs, fucking steak nuggets from Jack Link's. What?

You don't think we thought about that? You don't think we... The steak fingers are what... The steak fingers are what kill me. If someone held up a chicken tender in front of you and said this is a chicken nugget, you would punch them in their fucking snot lock. But first embarrassingly slap the chicken finger out of their hand

and then slap them. I did have like three or four people actually saying like, well, actually an Ethiopian cuisine there. Okay, fine. But how would I know that? How would I know that? You have no way of knowing that. I have no way of knowing that.

I will say the person who made the video of them crafting steak nuggets. And they did it. They ground that meat up to the consistency that whatever the consistency, whatever the pasty consistency of chicken nugget meat is. They crushed that. They crushed whatever it is with a brining. What is it called? Dredging.

They dredged it, fried that shit up. Looked like a chicken nugget. That person's doing the Lord's work. Actually looked kind of dope. I might actually be into that. Yes. Everybody else just sort of, I guess, think before you like do anything because you're alive

and your actions affect other people. You've caused me so much distress. I regret bringing up beef nuggets in the first place because it's shaved years off my life, the anger. Oh, I don't know when it's going to go away either because it's still very hot in my heart. We love you very much. We love you so much, but just fucking think for a second.

For a second. Make some beef nuggets for your Super Bowl party. That's my new command. This is your Hail Mary to atone for the sin. So much sin. Oh my God, so much sin. Just make some beef nuggets, send me pictures, give me a flavor review.

Let me know how it turned out. But be careful. It's hot grease. Get a parent. Get an adult to help you. Get an adult to help. Don't try and make this that an adult. You'll hurt yourself.

Thank you so much for listening to our podcast. My brother, my brother, and me. Sorry that it was a little bit angry, I guess. Or is he in there? You just don't know what it's like. I'm trying to keep it 100. I'm trying to be legit. And I don't want to disguise my feelings.

I want to be the real me. And the real me is so fucking mad. But we do have a present for you. A lot of you Chicago folks were upset because you didn't get tickets to the show we're doing there on April 5th. But we've got great news for you. We are moving the whole we're picking up the show wholesale

and moving it to the Athenian Theater in Chicago. And it will see roughly 650 more of you or so. So if you're in Chicago and don't ever and you if you don't come to the show you can never complain about us not coming there again. We have room for literally every person who's ever listening. If you already have tickets do not worry. They carry over so you're already sat.

You don't have to worry about it. If you don't have tickets they go on sale the 27th at noon. So when this comes out on Monday they come out Tuesday noon noon your time Chicago noon central. And while there are lots more tickets available don't sit on it because we're not going to do any other shows there. And you know and ever this is it. We're shutting it down.

This is our last one farewell the Chicago tour. It is a sign seating unlike a lot of our shows. It's a sign seat. So you'll want to get there early and to buy your tickets so you can make sure you get your whole party together. Like I said if you already got tickets good news. You are set. You got the Primo seats.

And this is not an exaggeration. The first show sold out in like seven minutes. So this is this is a thing where when we say don't sit on it we mean like don't wait. It might seem like we're big timing you here. We seriously would not. We're just like we really want everybody to be able to come. We were super but like it's obviously great when our shows sell out.

Like that's it. It my heart swells up with pride and happiness. But like when it happens that fast man I feel super shitty because I know there's a lot of people who didn't get in. So good luck. May the fortune be ever in your favor hunger games. Also there are still tickets available for the Milwaukee show too. So if you're in Milwaukee and haven't gotten tickets for that.

It's not a ton. It's like 70% sold out. So don't if you've been holding off like I wouldn't wait much longer. bit.ly forward slash mail mb mb a.m. I want to thank John Roderick in the long winters for the use of our theme song. It's a departure off the album putting the days to bed. Lovely album.

It's a good one to just sort of as the seasons change to just sort of welcome spring into your heart. It's January but that's like spring in Texas. Anyway just listen to it and it will make you feel good because the music is good. And we still need questions for our LA and San Francisco shows. So if you're going to be at their shows and want to hear your questions make sure that you put in the subject line

either LA show or SF show. And if you're coming to the LA show we're going to have lots of merch. When we were here in June there was a little bit of a mix up and we didn't have merch. Don't worry we've got lots of merch at this show. So look forward to that. And if you're not going to be at the LA show all of that merch is available at maxfunstore.com.

Except for the posters those are the blue posters are only available at the live shows. You can follow us on Twitter but don't. It's none of it matters. And YouTube that's all right. That's like good content I guess. Go to youtube.com slash mbmbam right. Yes.

And that's where you can find all kinds of great video content. We got a new short that Tyler Crowley did for us about Scott Jenkins and the tip of the dragon penis. It's pretty goddamn good. It's pretty much my favorite one so far. I still like shitty Iron Man the best. We're on iTunes to go right and review us there. We have PO Boxes if you want to send us stuff.

It's PO Box 34. Huntington West Virginia 2506 for me. Or PO Box 34 1769. Los Angeles California 90034 for West Coast stuff. Go listen to the other Maxfun shows too. We all have other shows if you like listening to our voices. We got Sawbones that's just in Sydney's medical history podcast. Bunker Buddies at Travis and Andy do about the apocalypse.

We do the adventure zone. We'll have a new episode of the adventure zone this Thursday. That's one that the three of us do with our dad. We play D&D. There's other shows though that are on the network like Jordan Jesse Goh, Judge Sean Hodgeman, Stop Podcasting Yourself, Throwing Shade, The Goose Down, Lady to Lady, Baby Geniuses, Destination DIY, Song Exploder, The Memory Palace, Pop Rocket.

Fuck, I did my best. Did you mention Flop House? Because that's like your favorite podcast right now. It's really, really good. Also, the Maxfunfun family is kick starting a video project called Brian and Lindsay. We'll totally eat that where Brian and Lindsay eat things and review them. And it's very funny.

Watch, check out the Kickstarter. You can watch sort of the pitch video for that and throw some money their way. If you want to make that video exist in the world. And if you go to Maxfunfun.gov, you can find the Vore podcast, Big Gulp, The Griffin Host. That's not where Big Gulp is. Big Gulp is, that's, I couldn't lock down the .gov. Thanks again to Nature Box,

where you can get your free sample box of great tasting wholesome snacks like BBQ Kettle Kernels, go to NatureBox.com slash my brother. Can you say that one more time, BBQ Kettle Kernels? It just. BBQ Kettle Kernels. Okay, I like that. It's always like I'm slash my brother. Finally, Yahoo! Answer.

This one was sent in by level 44 billion, Yahoo! Shaman. Drew Davenport. Thank you, Drew. It's about Yahoo! Answers. He was your funky poo who asks, How much is Drake's dad worth? I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy.

I'm Griffin McRoy. It's been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad's square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hi, I'm Brian Fernandez, aka Sonny D, producer of Jordan Jesse Goh.

I'm Lindsay Paddless, producer of Wham Bam Pow. We're the stars of Maximumfun's first web video series, Brian and Lindsay. We'll totally eat that. Someone throws us a snack, we eat it, and then we rate it on a scale from yummy to crummy. We have recorded a pilot and we're raising funding for the series on Kickstarter until February 20th. And if we receive enough backers,

we will receive a huge challenge grant from our friends at hover.com. Go to maximumfun.org slash toteseat for more info or find us on Kickstarter. Question for you. Shoot it at me. You gonna eat that? Totally.