My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 238: Face 2 Face 11: No One Goes Home Alone

Episode Date: February 10, 2015

Live from the Masonic Lodge at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery! Join us as we pitch projects to Tim Allen, discuss the sexual potential of Donny Osmond and hang out with our pal, Drew Davenport.

But anyway, I want you guys to put your hands together. Together, there's beer here. Um, put your hands together like in a clapping motion, and welcome my brother, my brother and me! The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening.

What's up, you cool baby? There we go. The last words Justin said to me right before we walked out here was, I'm fully turned. Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother and me, an advice show for the modern era. We want that every sentence, every sentence we say tonight, we expect that result. I was fucked, I was a goon. That'll be good, because we only have 30 minutes of material prepared, so I'm your oldest brother,

Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-aged brother, Travis McElroy. Oh no, this will be the loudest one, and we'll feel bad about it. I'm the babyest one, Griffin McElroy. I'm 11 for 11. I haven't been keeping score, but 11 for 11, loudest cheers. Welcome to my brother, my brother and me, which is my brother, my brother and me, live, face to face, 11.

Did we come up with that? No, I said no one goes home alone. No one goes home alone. What if they want to? Too bad. We had Chilean minors, we emerged from our... No. No?

That is cheap. Only the hits tonight. We know you guys put up with a lot of traffic, we're only doing the hits. Welcome to our spookiest live show. We'll say anything that'll get a response. There might be ghosts around? Here we go. Bramble Pelt?

I'm shameless. Thank you, half bottle of Henness. Half of this is Diet Coke. You pick which half. I didn't like that L.A. show, Justin was drunk the whole time. If you're not here right now, which is a lot of the earth, what percentage? We're in a cemetery. We're in the middle of a cemetery.

It's very chilly. No, we're in a cemetery. We're like Lydia from Beetlejuice. Did anybody walk around and check out the graves? These weirdos. There's just two of them. There's some pretty good graves. You see any cool ones?

Quiet. What? Did you get the Melblank one? That's the best one. Does everybody in the audience know Melblank's avatar? That's all folks. It's so good. So choice.

Such a cool dude. If mine says kiss your dad's square on the lips, I'm going to be very, very put out. So I live here now. I am a resident of that. In the cemetery, Travis has been dead for 25 years. Have you seen Ghost Rider? I'm like the creepy old guy who once was a Ghost Rider but now lives here. And you guys are visiting.

How are you enjoying your visit? Oh, fucking great dog. It's super good. Travis has an air mattress. Oh, yeah, there was a vine. Here's the thing about this air mattress is every 90 minutes you have to reinflate it by hand with a pump. I did not know that when I pitched it to Griffa.

Which almost makes it like a coin operated bed. Like the magic fingers, right? Instead of vibrating, it just turns into more floor essentially. Now that's unpleasant for Griffin waking up and realizing he's on the floor. But I was because I wasn't because I was sleeping directly next to him. So my sleep was interrupted every 90 minutes by this. It was it's a hand pump, but apparently I just breathe very, very whenever I grove it takes it's pumping very seriously.

It's my hand pump noise. I thought that was obvious. It's pretty good. I'm not a Foley artist. So that that was that made sleeping interesting. Yeah, it did. Dude, should we do the show or just call it if you've never listened to our show before we turn we take your questions and we turn them out me like into wisdom.

We have some questions specifically from people here in the audience. Feel free to say woo or woo boy or. We will also boy we will also what any combination of who and boy boo and Annie if later in the show we're going to take questions from people are brave enough to stand up here and ask questions. We just not be a bummer. Don't be a bummer. We say this every time and we really, really mean it. Don't be a bummer.

We'll sit you right back down. Um, yeah, it's exciting show go up buds in the audience go la yahoo's. It's going to be so good. It should be pretty fun. Let's um and oh I should mention we're sorry the solvents could make it tonight. My baby still isn't sleeping great so we couldn't make it so I'm not his stupid baby. That dumb baby ruining everything but we're super excited about the special guest podcast. They are so big.

We are opening. We're opening for them. Yeah. So they're on after us but we're we're really excited to be open to form its their first live performance. So stay tuned for that. But first questions here we go. This past candle lights I got first off I should ask is anybody here not listen to our

show before any first time or it's okay. Oh it's going to be really weird for all you oh god no being Vinny does you're in for a treat. If we say something not funny but people laugh lean over to the person you're with and ask why it was funny right just won't be able to explain it or if you want we can explain it if you just yell why was that funny at the stage as well. You'll sound a lot like our Nani listening to the show I don't get it. We should have a pop up video thing that I was like our Nani is our grandmother.

This past candle lights I got my girlfriend. Candle lights you see is a Christmas alternative. This past candle lights I got my girlfriend tickets to an upcoming Megan trainer concert. Megan trainer is the thing. Okay well you know that. Now I know they didn't give birth to Megan trainer. You're not like for life just for our okay. Upon receiving the gift they got her tickets to a Megan trainer concert upon receiving

the gift she was excited and informed me that she coincidentally has the same dress Megan apparently they're on a first name basis Megan wears in her music video. My girlfriend is considering wearing the dress to the concert is this acceptable or is it just as lame as wearing a band t-shirt at their show and that's from Brian Brian are you here. Are you a blue in the dark acceptable that was that was an acceptable response woo woo boy or boy or oh boy oh boy if you've been quantum weaved back to the show quantum left yeah you had it the first time quantum left left quantumly I mentioned in the Travis told

us about this question and I mentioned in the car right here that we had done a question about whether or not it was acceptable to wear a band t-shirt to that band's concert and they both said I don't remember doing that at all and I don't think it was that long in 38 episodes and I can't remember every stance I took yeah I'm actually pro wearing a band t-shirt in the episode I may have been anti but that's just a character I play on the pod we didn't cover we didn't even touch the concept of cosplaying as good charlotte no I'm I'm the anti I'm bad charlotte it's a fun spin on the guy I'm steampunk good charlotte it's a fun spin I think I think she should do it because how many more chances

is she gonna get for a Megan trainer concert listen to you listen to you before it becomes a Megan trainer concert to the all about that base girl concert how many completely confusing chart topping hits have you pinned in your life three oh okay you're beating her by one though I just called us I love you that was Travis mbop mbop was Travis yeah um and I just called to say mbop I wish you'd stop calling me it's it's 1996 and this is fucking expensive I bet I just called collect to say mbop what if you don't hey don't accept the charges just mbop later what if she's mid song and she just looks down in the audience like nice she looks down and goes wait hold stop stop stop what the fuck everybody else

out in the lobby until we figure this shit out one of us has to change one of us is changing and I have other costumes and it's not gonna be me so figure it out we have t-shirts in the lobby they're forty five dollars did she coincidentally have the same dress or did she buy it because it was a Megan trainer fashion decision we're sort of asking that to the ephemera we're not looking for an act yeah it's over it's all right I don't you all think let's take an audience poll I I'm in favor of it I think you could pawn it off as a coincidence you know I don't watch music videos that's what you say I didn't I didn't see it did I is it I thought I was wearing a cat face on my chest and a cat face on my

vagina and it was just random is that I have not seen the video is that that's the follow up that's the second that's all about the base are you like shooting without a script here I don't know are you guys not big train heads no I am sorry I am a train head a fan of the band train so don't try and take that away from us there's like 60 of us if you want me if you want me to replicate the casual yet stylish chinos from drops of Jupiter I can do that for you just like the lead train and no one noticed there's a lot of people dressed like the lead singer of train in LA I've noticed keep an eye peeled you'll spot a lot of them I have a yahoo oh if you've never listened to our show we occasionally

take questions from the yahoo okay service from time to time from time to time basically it's whenever the show stops being funny well you laughed a little too hard you can just relax take a question from the answer service girl from what question this one was actually sent in by true Davin for you to stand up stand up is he here stand up you man I see your beautiful face the legend of a man wait wait I didn't I didn't get a picture everybody pretend like it's his first time standing up stand up again for pose don't move oh god that's a great picture it's good that's good looks like a beautiful ghost you go outside you go outside you pick any tombstone it's yours you can take it home you'd have them

out blank one fuck it as a profile picture we're giveaway this one was sent in by true Davenport is a guy that sends in questions a lot all the time true tell me if you remember this one buddy it was asked by yahoo answers user Jabbar who asks how can I subtly start an apple orchard in my neighbor's backyard I feel like the subtleness ends after step one yeah I have a feeling that the soil he has over there would be great for my orchard plants look at that and since my wife already used up our acre for this BS perfect picnic courtyard I can't do it I can't do it on my lands damn it darling my apples we never even picnic I can't tell me neighbor about this plan though you are though because we've had

multiple disagreements lately and he'd never allow it your picnic courtyard is too fucking perfect over there you're making the rest of us look bad how's your soil he'd never he'd never allowed even though all that he grows over there is grass it's a complete waste and he could do more if he cared about the beauty of our neighborhood and money in his backyard the okay the problem with this is there has to be a moment during the blossoming where you have to have a conversation with him like those are looking what are you growing over there those look nice also those are mine also awesome don't fucking touch them though I'll take care of those for you no charge I'll just get all the apples all right 10% of the apples are yours you drive

the hardbark do you think that was Johnny Amples he's game when he was like roaming the lands just like where did this fucking apple tree come from and Johnny apple tree underneath my child's play place yeah you just you destroyed my house's foundation because you planted an apple tree right next to it like yeah I know but free apples I'll take care of it though flip sign apples are pretty good right you like apples and apple tree taking care of an apple tree is a fucking commitment Johnny apple seed planted his shit all across the country you know he wasn't watering those trees as they went he was saying this is hey stranger in Vermont who I just planted an apple tree in the front yard this is your problem now so basically Johnny

Johnny apple seed is a metaphor for a deadbeat dad that's listen he walks across the country spreading his seed and then just moves to the next time I'm sorry listen it's right there I like a joke as much as the next guy but Johnny apple seed regularly returned to the orchards he had planted to make sure they were thriving in his car in his magic apple car like in the fucking Richard scary verse is that what you're suggesting doesn't exist do you think they had to get new cars like every day or like they spray it with like lemon juice a little yeah they spray a little bit of lemon juice on the inside but in like a day the interiors just what do I have to put you into a crab apple today that's a dumb line of jokes Justin save us got another question here a

photographer friend of mine has developed an uncanny ability to consistently take the worst pictures of me ever taken somebody's laughing a little too hard we're gonna get get you in a second hey they're pretty funny but at this point there are a lot of them and some of them are really really bad I am definitely part of the problem when she points a camera at me I always seem to make a face but she's got amazing ability to catch me with my mouth full midsends while apparently farting and sneezing at the same time how do I train myself to pull a blue steel when my friend and her camera are near or should I buy a large sack and dive into it any tactics or advice will be appreciated and that's from problematic photos in Portland okay everyone look away okay the face

did you drive from Portland no look away I said front row okay pull the face yeah okay yeah that's whoa that's rough that's rough it's a fine face candidly I used to take like a lot of pleasure in being like stink face Steve your name's not Steve is it because I'd be really rude and coincidental I used to really enjoy that I take a lot of pleasure in looking ugly like you no it's not it's it has nothing to do with attractiveness I would like to think I have very high self-esteem but then all my friends started getting married and that's not good because everyone looks so good but you're up there like during the ceremony like farting and sneezing at the same time and I have a pizza roll in my mouth during the ceremony if you all look

in your hearts I think everyone can admit that they have a face that they pull when a camera is pointed at them and they know that I mean we're all adults right you have that face or you're like and you know that that's going to be your face every time you're like what camera my face every time right my face unintentionally my face is the face I get when I get a Christmas gift I don't like but I want to I don't want to hurt the person's feelings it's kind of like yeah look at any fucking picture of me I swear to god you'll look for wrapping paper like where is it I know he's getting a Christmas gift he doesn't like that's only one step away from a fire just exploded in front of your face yeah it's it's hard right I feel you because you you know

oh if you're listening to the podcast it made it his faces are solid yeah you work so hard right you work hard to keep it keep it right and tight and just looking like super good and then somebody turns a camera on you and you just like drop the ball that's why you need final cut in all of your like your pictures for other people no you need to hack everybody's computers and take the jpegs yourself I wish I could help you I don't like I suffer from this pretty chronically I haven't had a good picture taken of me since high school what if you became the back of your head guy oh every time you saw a camera you just went that's grim and they were like I don't think Steve exists yeah I hear all these legends and then they'll be happy to start seeing your face and some pictures

like oh there he is you don't know who uh this one did you really bring three beers no these are backup beers in case of emergency these beers are here if it's if you okay so is it if it stops being funny you're like I'm out I'm under the table with my beer friends we we record this show sober every single time and for some reason someone just wait yeah every you would be shocked dozens of people ask us you guys do that show hi no we don't no but when we do in front of because we're we're older than 22 so we don't know where right we have fine weed in California we don't know where it exists how about a how about a yahoo yahoo yahoo is my drug

this drug was sent in by mark brown thank you mark it's by yahoo answers user rachel one who asks if you had the opportunity to adopt a talking cat would you long short hair like of course the the hair length I get that long hair cat is hard to I don't want it to shed all over my car but yeah it's an issue but you could talk to it and be like can you do something about getting okay to be fair to talking cat not a listening cat it's a good point how would it how would it have learned can I can I ask you though wouldn't it be disconcerting to have a cat that could speak English yeah can't understand English like I'm hungry what are we gonna eat today like well I got you like you can't a fancy

pee I can't how many times do I have to tell you or worse a cat that could speak English but didn't just wouldn't or like hey how's it going oh my god you guys will never believe this watch cat say something yeah you won't do it you fucking dick cat cat let me hit you guys with this cat story it's like toy story but all cats instead of toys same cast you're the same voice cast as toy story I think you're the first person to ever like pitch animals can talk but we just can't understand them no no no that's not the whole pitch Tim Allen so yeah Tim Allen's attached those are the three magic Hollywood words I'm having trouble selling my pitch Tim Allen's attached never mind what was it cat story two there wasn't a cat story one

that's dumb but Tim Allen's on board so I just make the check out the cash you think you think that Griffin's joking but think about how many Tim Allen movies you're asking yourself how the fuck did this get made so one said Tim Allen's attached and that's Tim Allen's attached and a time machine right um I like to imagine a rich fiction behind many ahu answers and for this one I imagine a person sitting on their couch looking at their cat thinking god damn it I wish you could talk or worse they adopted a talking cat but the cat also scratched up at everything and they're like should I have done this hold on would you have done it was this a mistake it's a talking cat but also it's really racist and he can't hear so it's like you can't tell him to stop he doesn't know

any better if I had to shit in a little dirty cave I would probably be pretty racist too the foreigners took all our toilets what did you say excuse me whoa mr Bobo I can never find a toilet because all the foreigners are sitting on them I was whoa what be cool for two seconds just one second I can't understand what I don't understand I can't learn and grow from my mistakes I don't understand English here's a question my wife my wife no my wife have you guys seen boran it's really great I think you guys would like it my wife cc'd recently pointed out that I'm a bit of a jerk and cc'd her on the email it's solid I know you've wanted me to own up to my mistakes and I'm finally doing it in an email to a comedy podcast

Beverly um she says I treat her pretty well but with others I sorry I missed the emphasis let me try again hold on a ham oh yeah that'll help it's Justin's magic talking potion she says I treat her pretty well but with others I can come across as abrasive arrogant overly talkative and a bunch of other things that basically add up to maximum jerkitude my first response was to be upset and not believe it but then I realized that's what a jerk would do it's fair since this revelation I've been trying to adjust my behavior but now I feel like I'm stomping around angrily on eggshells and hyper aware of my fault how can I stop being a jerk without losing my mind in the process that's from Jameson your first move is to ask this question

in front of a room full of people Jameson get up here buddy you hear Jameson is Jameson here you motherfucker yeah get on up come on come on up here come on don't cheer for him don't egg on this behavior yeah Jameson can I say you look really pleasant yeah thank you um so why you can you give us a specific example of why you think um I tend to talk whoa whoa what are you calling out pump the brakes coming at us yeast don Rickles you don't have to come out swinging yeast no no no really go ahead Jameson sorry you seem very pleasant we're now we're I could be a bit of a know-it-all I admit that oh yeah and yeah lots of stuff that's not good so know-it-all etc yeah

can I can I just say I totally totally relate oh that means a lot to me I expected a bigger response frankly fucking classic comedy podcast stoppers with your host Justin Travis McElroy no I I had this realization when a friend of mine Michael Bradbury basically said like hey I like you much information no what you're speaking hypotheticals yeah imagine there's a gentleman imagine if you will um and his friend says I like you but everyone else thinks you're a dick hypothetically and when that happens all you have to do like a big move was like take stock and it really is like when you respond to anything think like how would I feel if someone said this to me yeah it's have you read how to make friends and influence people have you read how to train

a dragon have you read how to train your dragon how would you want your dragon to train you and a lot of people think about it's the golden dragon Jameson I want to ask you a serious question is your inner Jameson the Jameson that you hold to be in your heart is he a dick or is the Jameson that you show to the world is that the personnel that you've crafted for yourself on your exterior follow-up question wait just let me get mine in fuck I'm afraid that when he answers I'm afraid that when he answers yours it will negate mine you can fucking wait and see Jameson hold on one second roll the dice okay sorry Jameson about my brother the dick

he's a he's a real Jameson you'll have to excuse him no or maybe you're a real Travis I don't know the jury's out we'll hang out later we'll compare stories um wait I want to get an answer just answer I would say my inner Jameson is very sensitive but I show a sort of thorny facade there I knew he was gonna answer my question did you correct people hey dude you just got corrected on how often you correct people Jameson I think that that's part of the problem that idea of like I want to respond before the person says something like I want to be a bit more than a bit of a story I'm afraid that someone else will be a dick to me like a brother would

yeah and so I want to say something first so I appear to be the dominant person I think it's a lack of trust and other people to accept you for who you are so you don't accept them for who they are so I think there's a certain amount of like just speak honestly to people the way that they would but just you wouldn't want them to speak to you don't I think honestly might be the problems yeah it's hard just don't correct people like take that as your first step because it's easy not to correct somebody and it makes them feel like shit and nobody gets anything out of it yeah just keep your damn mouth shut no nothing I never no I literally I never correct anybody because you you think about correcting people it's a no-win scenario either one you're actually wrong

that's the fucking pit or or two like they feel bad and everybody else thinks you're kind of a jerk so like I'm I used to it all the time look for any opportunity loved it was overweight needed a boost but now I'm now I'm still overweight but I have a podcast I have all of you hey the fact of the matter it's really easy to justify to yourself because oh also I'm in great shape now if you're listening at home I just fell I just fell I just took off my shirt and all the ladies and so inclined men in the audience were like a little bit of a delayed reaction we will take that we'll take that audio clip we'll move it backwards 10 seconds hey everybody nice it's really easy to justify yourself and say if I correct them I'm doing them a service

because they had the wrong information you're not no you're not you're insulting them indirectly and you just keep that because no one ever says a fact saying if I'm wrong I hope someone says something no one's ever done that ever James and I'm starting to feel a little exceedingly guilty for the fact that we've had you stand up on stage for 15 minutes if you're listening and Jameson looks great he looks really great he's a great guy thank you for it that was very brave of you all right and who is Jameson's significant other are you here too I'm so sorry I know you're hanging in there but hey keep him on the straight and narrow you're doing God's work God's work seriously he's gonna turn it around you wait for his fucking Scrooge moment he's gonna be visited

by some ghosts us and he's gonna you watch he's gonna turn it around I got a girlfriend you got a yahoo I just closed it Griffin what's on the google page uh what is today's google doodle I don't know some painting we'll talk about it later sorry to interrupt you past us but uh we wanted to break in here for a quick trip to the money zone uh have you ever thought about building an iPhone application I don't possess the skills I mean everybody's thought about right it's just like everybody thinks that fart button yeah you gotta squeeze some zeros and ones together and then it spells the words that form the programming of the swordfish I had an idea for one and I asked Siri to do it and she said go fuck yourself yeah which is weird yeah I want to it was my friend

Siri not the Siri on the phone oh okay classic she sounds rude with her time she is rude that's why we like her though because she's kind of a sass pot you know what I mean your brick your your lack of technical skills is no longer gonna hold you back thanks to your friends at one month I want to tell you about one month iOS it's an easy way to learn iOS development using Swift what does that mean I don't know I didn't take the class but I do know that iPhone is the only way to make money these days you have to build an app and you can do that the way one month works is you give one month 30 minutes a day for 30 days and at the end of it you will have a legitimate actual skill set and not like reading or writing or math skill set that'll actually serve you in your day-to-day

life like application development Justin did you say that the iPhone is the only way to make money yes being on iPhone is the only way to make money that's a fact sorry sorry windows Lumia owners yeah you're fucking broke get an iPhone and get some money because people are spending money on their iPhones they love it snapchat me some bucks snapchat us some bucks you're not we're gonna save you a few bucks I'm gonna tell you how you're gonna go to onemonth.com slash my brother and you can start building your first iPhone app today and each class is broken down into 30 minute chunks so it's really like easily doable you don't have to like sit down and do it for like an eight hour block or something interminable like that 30 minutes a day for for one month and you're gonna become an

expert at it and now they have other classes too they have one month growth hacking so you can get huge shred your delts I don't think that's your business delts one month html business delts and your accounting apps teach you how to make a website one month rails to help you build your web apps if you go to onemonth.com slash my brother you can get a 25 percent off discount for for one of these classes so that's a great deal uh if you go to onemonth.com slash my brother and get yourself a skill set now the only now the only thing holding me back is my overwhelming almost paralytic laziness yeah but they can't help you with that can you unless that's what growth hack is pack my lazy brain got a special message for Matthew Hammond from Adam uh

Traff you want to tell me what they have to say well Adam says to Matthew to the beardiest man in China like I'm gonna need some documentation on that happy candle nights from your home across the sea I realized we didn't know about it the last time I saw you but I guess it's a thing now I trust it will be filled with eggnog and revelry two things I can only hope are readily available in your country PS Matthew and Adam are half brothers tell all your friends the good news about candle nights is it's really more of a state of mind no it's not it's a fluid it's a fluid being it's not is a specific octet of days in the last month of the Gregorian year and it's a state of mind no it's yeah but it's also like a real fluid time you know I mean what does it mean to you

when do you think it is it's a fluid transient state of mind that occupies your brain in an octet of days in the last month of our Gregorian calendar and it's that who knows when that is I do December December December December December could be any time when is December a lot of people are still learning what is December what am December Matthew happy candle nights to you from your buddy Adam I think that's very nice that you wished your friend a happy or half brother or half brother jury's still out on that one even though they explain when is December how are these people related nobody even fucking knows who is this next message for this next message is for Wren and it's from D DE gosh I hope that's an actual name and not Denise and they just like got lazy

DE never mind it's for rem it's for Wren from D right and it's maybe just a guy named Randy sending it to himself rindi rindi rindi says to himself happy birthday here's to the next adventure short sweet to the point is the current adventure of this money's own ad yeah we're all whoa barely got through that one yeah whoa well this is weird I've just been handed a map with an X on it and it says to tell uh Wren to go to the special spot you know the one your clitoris faces face the sun from using your clitoris as a jumping off point sundial jump off your clitoris this birthday with we it's the magic school bus uh happy birthday Wren I hope it's uh we hope it's a great one sorry about all the clitoris talk sorry again about all the clitoris talk I gosh if we

could go one episode without saying that I would never it would be we need a soundboard with that button on it an apology sorry about all the clitoris talk my brother my brother me uh I want to make a quick mention if you're a fan of ours on facebook or you're a member of our facebook group there's a domestic violet shelter in honey twist Virginia the only one in fact in our hometown called branches and they are trying to raise money to keep the doors open there uh so if you kick in a couple bucks it'd be money well spent them a bim bam angels are already hopping all over it if you could pitch in there that would be great just go to our facebook page it's the my brother my brother me appreciation group and uh you can finally do that uh donate there yeah they're

doing a go find me so it's it's easy to to yeah it's easy to kick a couple miles yeah um so please do that oh also uh we're gonna be we're gonna have a very special guestbert paul shear um i don't know if it'll be on the next episode but we are recording i think before the next one goes out so we could use your questions uh that that we can chat about with paul shear travis what what are his areas of expertise that the will guide the questions his areas of expertise are jason movies perfect thank you notes and a weird collectibles i have a weird collection of thank you notes from people who i went to see the transporter movies with so i think i'm pretty well have you got a question for paul i don't i'm like i've kind of mastered all of those concepts

yeah so we'll need other people to chip in uh also listen alert alert valentine's day is very close we get a lot of emails from people talking about how much they love that sound effect because we do it in every goddamn episode because they weren't paying attention until then and then we do it and they're like wait hold on shut up what i hear some high-pitched shitty sounds they're doing horrible mouth sounds pro flowers is gonna uh uh save your keyster ladies and gents uh with a gift a beautiful gift if i may say so we have we have just received many deliveries from pro pro flowers they have always been quite beautiful uh and and quite edible if you ask my cat yeah uh go to pro flowers dot com and then there's gonna see a

blue microphone in the upper right hand corner click on that and type in my brother uh and you're gonna get some access to some special deals like two dozen long stem assorted roses with chocolates and the cherry vase for $39.98 if you can believe that um my cherry vase he used to like a with a bitch in hot rod paint job and not that flame decals yeah it's it's awesome there is no uh maraschino like flavor on the vase you could get two dozen roses and chocolates with a free vase for $29.99 uh there's an ultimate long stem valentine's day special that has like a bear and some flowers and chocolate and some look what appear to be some sorts of lotions justin can you confirm if the bears are real bear or stuffed bear it's a real bear and the only

way to pacify it is to squirt the lotion in its eyes or it will attack if you didn't figure that out then you gotta go back to your last save point and start over for $49.98 since you will go on a bear combat adventure with your beloved come find a bear at proflowers.com click on the blue microphone enter the uh uh the code my brother and you're gonna get some uh additional some great savings and and who doesn't want that show somebody you care this year if i may suggest if i may suggest when you deliver these gifts to your sweetie don't say like yeah they're beautiful and i got them on the cheap maybe keep that bit of info to yourself i got full i got full price love for you but i paid half price for it your savings are between you and us and god so that way god runs god runs

pro flowers i don't know if you guys know that yes it's it's a it's a profit deal thank you hey and listen thank you la for coming out and showing your support of us as we got up there and we did our thing um we've referenced the masonic lodge the hollywood forever cemetery is a great venue thanks to our very special guest podcast that came out after us and and really just fucking slept swept the floor with us really showed us it gave us like a masterclass in podcasting excellence we'll find some way they've agreed to actually let us release that episode we'll try and figure out some way to do it maybe as a donor bonus we got max fund drive coming up pretty soon so uh we'll we'll find a way to circulate circulate the tape says it were anyway back to the show

um i close it so i don't know who sent it in because i uh jew just let me know if you sent this one in uh it's by yahoo answers user adjaya siva who asks what happens when vampire bites a werewolf was that true yeah this falls into that category of yahoo answers that i go uh wait wait what does i writing a vampire book on watt pad and my character just bit a werewolf so now i'm wondering wait wait what did you say a a vampire book on what watt pad i'm guessing it's a some sort of is that a cool hip young person thing yeah it's like thought catalog but for werewolves i'm writing a vampire book on live journal uh so now i'm wondering if a vampires bite somehow affects a werewolf in any way i already know what happens when a werewolf bites a vampire well

oh okay uh so we all took high school chemistry please tell me if you know what happened when a vampire bites a werewolf someone's in the front row whispering to a friend saying well uh clearly do you know the answer i thought you were whispering about what happens when you read the first line of the first amber answer please uh jesus christ you ask a simple question about fantasy critters and some douche bag thinks you asked for a sermon about the friggin evil girl scouts some people anyway where was i oh yeah jesus christ lost my train of thought there i got so angry uh what happens though when a vampire bites a werewolf i think the werewolf goes what the fuck whoa but does he gain so okay most of the mythology i've seen is that the vampire has to

feed on you and you have to feed on a vampire normally you wouldn't think that a werewolf would do this but you would have to assume a vampire bites a werewolf they're locked in combat correct we can all agree vampires and werewolves are looking in your hearts watch fucking vampire diaries or twilight or uh any of our home movies you'll see vampires and werewolves are better enemies so the vampire has bit the werewolf the werewolf has probably been the vampire 69 in i want to hear griffin story now you're out you're out tag just attack me in 60 bite is that a thing start at the beginning and talk slow well it's not they're not really they're not really 69 it's just you know you do a double no 16 69 oh they're eternal i figured it

out nothing nope it's fair they bite each other on the next same time boom right and then they what so what what's your addition do you know you saw the answer no he's saying whisper make it oh you want me to whisper my answer asmr this is for it asmr i guess everybody's thing i need to complete matter silence so or i can't finish but you can't fucking laugh um you do a bite 69 and uh they both just like just suck that shut up we're never gonna get a youtube smash hit they both suck that monster fluid out it's so hard and then but they they both suck all of it out all of a sudden the vampires are werewolf werewolves of vampire they fucking switch all their fluids around they do a complete

fluid rotation vampires werewolf werewolves of vampire oh so not like a vamp werewolf or were vampire no i'm saying a complete 100 fluid transaction do you think we can total monster conversion i need to look at griffin's face and know how happy he is about this just think about it first of all why is the werewolf sucking blood that's not his m o he's thirsty what do you want what's he gonna do drink a lemonade come on griffin 69 monster drain okay seriously what liquid would you see a werewolf 60 no look what werewolf would you use what drink would you see a werewolf drinking and you think yep other than blood power aid nope that's a good point pink lemonade absolutely not monster someone said on the nose it's fine

you want to try place places when we put that on the tube i think we should mix it stereophonically so i'm in one ear and travis is in the other so you really feel like you're here when you hear those are blood drinking did everyone get their asmr like rocks off because that's important to me feel the tingles excellent i'm the gal you guys created life with during the last la show that's not what it sounds like thanks for the advice we're now expecting that baby my friend julie and i are congratulations or whatever uh my friend sorry after you have a baby it's kind of like yeah i get it um my friend julie and i are coming again to enjoy your advice stylings so here's another question do you have any specific suggestions on baby names

we got a couple of possibles but naming humor is hard specific name suggestions or general ideas would be appreciated linda linda are you here linda we should explain if you miss that if you miss that show linda asked us if she should have a child and we said it's not going to be our problem so sure go for it and then she did that night well i don't know that the timing works out so well on that wait would it what is but linda are we got to go ahead it's time to party are we gonna be pod fathers linda do you know boy or girl oh that makes things a lot easier sorry easy lieutenant could you wait what's your last name wait you don't have to say it what's your social security number mr netflix pass give us your thumbprint draw your thumbprint on

paper everyone can do that right have you considered nature box a streamer's brand your child early and i went through you don't know how many permutations of when i was trying to name our child charlie the baby hi charlie if you're listening in 15 years in the future if you're younger than 15 turn the fucking show off right now because he's about to tell you where the treasure is buried i went also we just talked about monster 69 a i went yeah there's no way she's like oh i can't um we went through every permutation of like batman no batman the baby no batman the baby junior mackroy no batman the comic of the movie no have you thought about kraken so that every time you let her out of her heart him out of his

harness or his like crib you can say release the kraken yeah that's pretty good because when you name a baby it should be for one easy goof i'm justin's obvious yeah it's like i think we should probably we've been involved so far we kind of have been carrying the load a little like a lot and what is justin mean what what does it mean what is justin how long have you got man you wait you wait till you're 34 you're gonna be asking yourself a lot of questions like that what does justin mean could you do oh fuck me perfect just what you needed if you're listening now i just ripped off my shirt again and my muscles were even bigger and they went nuts for it um can we combine our names into one

totally great name what would that sound like bushemi none of us have a b or shim or an e okay try this always goes by shaboy right fair lieutenant lieutenant bushemi mackroy lieutenant bushemi shaboy mackroy can you tell us an invented last name so we can have something to work with just make it up just make it up whatever we'll take anybody now it's anybody on the spot everybody promises not to identity theft them now give me a location give me a location some place where you might go on a first day i have veterinarians okay now i heard aerobics okay vignette ving reigns aerobics is that what you say i was thinking like like the same or for the first name for both okay say it again

so i'd have to go back to that deterg deterg i'm lieutenant deterg have you picked out his last name yet you laugh but you can do whatever it's 2015 yeah you can play calvin ball let's um should we take some audience questions uh calvin ball is a great first name it's been uh yeah i guess yeah we've checked out so let's do audience can we do one oh you got here's what we do i'm going to read one more and that person comes on stage and that'll be our segue into audience questions you don't line up or whatever we'll call in you uh yeah no bummers if this is and remember seriously if you fucking kill this oof hypothetically speaking do you know who that is

are you here come on someone's just got real nervous come on up come on up come on up no no no no no they approach in silence everybody just relax just look don't speak don't speak okay hello okay here we go hypothetically speaking this is a fucking really funny question which is why i want to read you up hypothetically speaking would you consider attending the live recording of a podcast perhaps one that focused on the alchemy like creation of wisdom good material for a second date follow-up question purely hypothetical do you think it would make a good second impression if i i mean jane doe

submitted a question about whether or not this second absolutely hypothetical date is a good idea does it make a funny story or a cautionary tale and that's from totally not in the audience right now the jig the jig as they say is up hey dabra hey dabra should i email the brothers they won't like make this they won't put me like completely on blast it might be cool right yeah yeah that's probably true so i wait well i mean now i have to ask how's a good one you'll have to speak at some point he didn't come oh what the fuck what the fuck what's his name just first names please

for legal issues lieutenant well listen no listen listen listen if he has served in our military forces i don't think that we can they don't legally change your first name to lieutenant when you join the military yeah they do it's to like lieutenant dan it's having to make you part of like the machine or whatever um so i say private and like 40 guys like yep well now it's awkward to say like yeah that'd be totally great second date to be fair though he's still paid right what yeah it's still yeah i mean now it's a great story about fuck that dude yeah just so i'm clear he did pay though right i mean he still bought the ticket oh no i got a mouth to feed months okay come here so this was literally a hypothetical okay

okay to answer your question i think it's fine one time one time i went on a second date to see the film 127 hours i forget how many hours that man was trapped between those rocks there was a bunch of hours i think it's 127 hours and i actually did throw up in my mouth while i was watching the movie and it was i was super like if you're gonna throw up in your mouth i did it probably smooth as you could do it um but yeah it's like two hours in he was like chewing through his own bone veins and i was like whoa hold up that's fucked up but i didn't know you had bone veins and homeboy was like going to golden corral in those motherfuckers

and uh so i threw up a little bit in my mouth literally i know that's the thing people say it can it can happen to you while you're watching 127 hours and i thought i played it off real smooth but we didn't see each other again just jane if it makes you feel any better i the first girl actually dated our first date was bowling with her family be cool you guys be cool he's opening out for the first time ever i didn't even ever second date was seeing bridges of madison counter nice i spent i can top that i can top wait i'm not a joke i spent the what felt to me five hours and 30 minute running time of bridges madison county putting my arm around her so literally show me on yeah even even if you had

time lapse it would look like this and i mean literally this is accelerated right like like five hours elapsed in about 30 seconds she would not she would have at the by the fucking time uh uh she was swept away by fucking clean any spoilers okay sorry by the time the credits rolled she would have sworn with her hand on the bible that my hand had always been on her shoulder that was the speed at which has always been there will always just in tan i think it was there when i was there was moss connecting your right and shoulder there was i went on the first date to see the notebook okay and i was fresh i was like a baby yeah and she did not all right and i chose to never see her again because she was a robot bounces off you first date i went on

with this uh with a young lady who we were in my god fuck like middle school and it was also my first day ever we went to see the prince of engines the animated movie with donnie osmond got frithy to get you laid so uh i guess what we're saying jane is did that help we're saying you could have fucked up so much worse this was like yeah this was yeah he didn't deserve you yeah you're way better than that if any single men are out there no don't do that don't fucking do that that's not gonna fucking turn our podcast into grinder thank you jane so much for joining us you know i got some people up here yeah all right let's take another question from the audience raise your hand if you have a question not a bummer at all

and let's get drew up here first because like we owe him our lives yeah drew i like when drew comes on stage because it puts us in scale he's a big guy god look at you he's a giant of a man strong like a bull look at that he's standing he isn't even on the stage right now he's standing on the steps and he's still six standing next to him no but i don't want to do that now i have to i have to pee like so fucking bad and if i stand up the show's over go ahead a little behind the scenes i have a question that probably only you three and one other person can answer okay who's gas lighting me oh someone i want in this room gaslighting i saw a hand move are you doing it

no that was very suspicious it was very suspicious somebody very shifty madam somebody wrote you davenport a very sweet message that we read a lot on the show uh realizing as we read it that it was a sweet message to you davenport i don't know if you know this i get a lot of emails yahoo submission hand to god from people to the mbm email account with yahoo submissions with the name drew davenport but it's not you there are false prophets among us that create gmail shits like drew hyphen davenport i'm like that ain't it that's not the legit email address you have a lot of impersonators but i know the true flavor drew how do you feel being gaslighted gaslit i think gaslit gas hung uh at first it was like oh that's so sweet and i was really excited

and it started to grow yeah like someone should have came forward yeah at this right and it never should we just should we just tell him is it getting like spook as you do you find like a dead bird in your car or something no just a lot of notes like i'm watching oh i don't know you scared the shit out of me man i feel like this show is like done at least like a little bit of good for a few people out there in the world but if you got murdered it would like cancel all that out i think drew let's just say there's a very good show yeah there's a very good reason we're doing this show at the masonic lodge wasn't it wasn't a tip i can't i can't say anything but yes yeah if you're listening at home we are not making triangles with our fingers

where are my people at i know some of you are out there they're let us out regerman yes yeah we'll edit out the shapes and our hands fade from the audio record drew i'm so sorry that we've brought to light all of your stalkers but can i tell you can i you fucking love it sorry love that shit sorry we ruined your life you're davenport everybody who's next i saw that handle first yep come on up with the sweet vest are you not cold it's not a very protective vest from the elements no uh so uh i'm i'm here with my girlfriend what's your name my name is kenji kenji what's up i'm going good um so i'm here with my girlfriend and what the question i have is my ex will not leave me alone to the point that it's actually kind of like

really bad and dangerous and it's actually affecting our relationship now oh and kenji i just want to stop you one second yeah you are on a fucking razor's edge my friend if you take us into my town don't look behind you not literally well i think you meant like the edge of the just pull off of that you got it she's named it congratulations okay do you want us to get rid of her is that what does she listen we have a particular set of skills but it's boner jokes let one thing we're good at it's ruining relationships let kenji we don't even need to be here anymore let kenji finish for once sorry kenji sorry kenji every time no the question i have is what can i do yeah to get the x to stop how tight are you

to stop i have asked her to stop as you you can go my route gain like 50 pounds is it really was that it was that funny kenji and uh kelsey kelsey kelsey and kenji that sounds fucking so good together yeah by the way that's amazing you guys locked it down just pretend like it's a debt collector and pretend like it doesn't exist yeah is that not what you do that's what i have traditionally but like yeah like what effect does she like she has no effect like she can do all she wants she can put forth all the energy she wants unless she's like putting dead rabbits like into stews like you got nothing to do dead rabbits into stews that's where they fucking go what are you fucking talking about

unless she's like cutting up potatoes and putting in soup like like unless she's like cutting up meat and seasoning it and putting it on grills like fucking ignore her oh i mean is she working a restaurant what's she doing also uh also have you guys ever had to deal with a situation like that just like just like a crazy yes that won't leave you alone with a woman being obsessed with us look at me oh man how many times at Prince of Egypt day she was like come on we gotta go see exodus it's like it's been like 21 years i love the way you cry the notebook let it go let it go it's like Prince of Egypt but not animated and Donnie Osmond's not in it like but what's the fucking point i saw a preview for uh uh uh NBC special

for the new testament a miniseries coming up talk amongst yourself kimchi yeah just one second kimchi and the uh the opening of the trailer said from the producers of the bible i was like i'm so glad that fool wrote something else it's like it's like harper lee coming back and writing again the bible was so good but like what's next so kimchi seriously have you been straight up with this girl and said like we're done yeah like i couldn't be less interested in you did you tell her we broke up uh six months ago get the net i don't even have a gun yeah no no it's been off for a for a while now and she says yeah if you've been clear and you've been straight forward you've literally done all you could do except for like a little restraining order i've tried to be nice

with her i've tried to be civil you know restraining order yeah did she did she give you a gun rack we just did that we did that joe i'm just gonna fucking keep doing it until you stop laughing don't laugh at this i don't even own odd gun we literally said that we fucking literally just said that simultaneously said hennessey p jones over there that's a great baby name we had hennessey p jones we got it we had a meeting with a business person today for business and we all remarked to each other that sincerely in our heart of hearts we were disappointed that the meeting didn't end with the person saying and i have a cashier's check here for five thousand dollars each okay so yeah if you've been clear and you've done all you can do it's legal legal that's why

laws exist dog not just to like fuck you over because you parked your car in a place where it wasn't supposed to be or whatever i know that's like 99 percent of our exposure to the man but sometimes it'll get you out of a pickle thank you genji say thank you genji thank you let's go a little bit deeper is there are there any ladies here that would like our advice you just did two dudes i see a lady right there right there yes come on up you you would give her a round of applause and might i say sweet t-shirt that is a nice t-shirt i'd love to buy one of those in the lobby yeah go out there there for sale travis's wife will sell you one don't be weird to her don't be weird be cool what's your name what's your question jolene jolene talking on the microphone

jolene yeah don't be scared jolene can i ask you a question are you sick of that song come on you're fucking jam which one there's like nine of them what fucking rala montane's like hold up i got a good song name too like do you because dolly parton like you cannot beat that fucking dp joint i get the dolly parton one all the time okay like the that's all because it's like the best song ever but jolene quick just between you and i if you don't talk in the microphone people can't hear you yeah okay there we go yeah that's better what's up so my husband who is here he has become like completely addicted to like board games and could play them 24-7 surely they're glad you said board games there are a bunch of different avenues that could have gone down there would have been an

that's really the best one he's become really addicted to murdering yeah four crack he murders people to take the crack away from the people who have all the crack what do i do okay board games go on okay board games and remember just like get really close to that mic right he could play them like 24-7 with his friends all the time yeah i could play them maybe 24 minutes every other week yeah but he says well why don't we do some of your hobbies i don't have any hobbies like i don't know what i like and you established that among the things you like katon not one of them not great not great so what are some good hobbies to do oh if i may let me ask you this and feel free not to answer or to give a range how old are you i'm 24 great the

world should be literally to be younger than 30 but go on i think a cool hobby would be staying up till 11 o'clock the thing is the the greatest opportunity you have is i assume you live in los angeles no we're from utah oh i'm done no they don't fuck off west virginia guy hey we're big time no yeah no but like in in any city there are like classes offered anywhere so like if you're like i kind of like to cook wait take a cooking class if you're like i kind of like movies like a millionaire right that can afford to buy like cooking yeah because every class costs 20 000 dollars um we also we don't like people and yeah so we wouldn't like go out to find it's 2015 nobody likes people can i ask you questions if you were to play a board game with just the two of you

would you enjoy that or is it just like because like my wife god lover she doesn't enjoy board games like and almost to a point where i feel like it's intentional like because she knows how much joy brings me she wants to deprive me of it you guys don't know who his wife is right so this is totally cool this is fine if you you you bad mouth her she didn't know i i love i love the one very dearly she gave me my child my world my everything she doesn't like board games one time my wife beat me at settler's like butan and then we stopped playing board games together you're a very big person um you got it can you find what can you give us anything can you give us anything what do you like even if you don't think it's a hobby what do you like we like no what do you what are you like

this is about you now i like ignore all you like podcasts podcasts podcast not a very good shared experience let's sit here and just not talk for an hour hey did you listen shut up make your own podcast yeah it's easy i've been wanting to do that forever but do it i think we have anything listen can i throw it out board games you why are you laughing this is serious do a podcast in which he loves board games and you do not and it's about him trying to tell you yeah that's gonna be really compelling i really like it's on because it's like every time it's different because the hexes are always show fuck this can i just say i would listen to that i would listen to a show of somebody describing how cool katana is and somebody making wet fart noises i

would do that that's the most successful podcast that is serial two katana wet fart sounds i really like it because it's like different strategies every time you go for longest road biggest army why isn't this digital that'd be good yeah so there you go we did it we did it another one for the brothers thank you we're gonna have to wrap up yeah uh listen folks thank you so much for having us here uh at the masonic lodge the beautiful hollywood forever cemetery they have been fucking excellent they've been so super super great time uh big round of applause for them yeah if you haven't had a chance just like just like walk around and look at all of the things they have here because they have a lot of really great things especially at night and let them

lock the gate while you're still here and just live here um we want to thank uh max from a fun dot org a podcast network that we were uh proud members of they have great shows like oh no ross and carry bunker buddies thank you saw bones saw bones i think we should try bunker buddies again all right the adventure zone is another one uh are there other macro podcast there are the macro family podcast joining us to go judge john hajman risk the memory palace flop house the flop house yes try and get a video project uh on kickstarter brian lindsey will totally eat that go kickstart that it is a it is a full podcast cornucopia uh and we are so proud

to be a part of their vast family uh so yeah but above all else thank you guys thank you so much you guys have been a one of our audience uh our our closer is going to be coming on immediately after we finish the show right i hope you're as kind to them as you have been to us yeah they're you guys are so cool i'm going to run to the bathroom are you guys ready between okay are you really going to go you better fucking hurry yeah i don't want to miss a minute i'm going to stand up and just like sprint full speed as soon as i read this final yahoo but i have to be nobody go to the bathroom seriously stay stay completely still let griffin run to the bathroom this final yahoo was sent in by true davin fort thank you thank you it's by yahoo answers user baby who asks

any good websites i can meet human sugar daddies not the candy but men's sugar daddies gotta say i'm just a macaroon i'm travis macaroon i'm gonna macaroon it's me my brother my brother my brother because you're not square on the left maximum fun dot or comedy and culture artist owned listener supported what's up my name is jasper red co-host of the goose down along with the lovely kimberley clark and we want to invite you into the comfort and groove of our podcast that encompasses the arts entertainment you can check us out at maximumfun.org also available on itunes see yeah yeah