My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 239: Cheeseburger to Paradise

Episode Date: February 16, 2015

By listening to this episode of MBMBaM, you are contractually agreeing to allow us to become the masters of your sexual destiny. No need to e-sign anything. This is a one-way verbal agreement. Suggested talking points: Buttpunches, Amelia Bedelia Corleone, Weak Points, Vacation Food Womb, The Solar King, Ham Mistake

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome my brother, my brother, and me, an advice show for the modern era. On this week's episode, we have a gigantic palette, but there's only one hue that is represented. That's right, it's 50 shades of gray. Watch 2015. Step into my office, said the spider to the guy. Let me check your references. It leaks like you've got a lot of experience.

What would you say to 50,000 a year, 50,000 shades of gray? Is more gray than your human mind and your human eyeball cones can possibly even conceive? Curious about our health benefits? Here's one benefit, that boner. Let me describe to you 156,000th of these shades. I'm gonna punch your butt. It's a book so good, it's a book so nasty that people in the black section of Sherwin Williams get looks like, oh you nasty, oh you nasty mother fuckers, looking at all the different shades of gray. This used to be a nice Christian community Sherwin Williams. You made that one dirty section.

You made a dirty, dirty color. It's enough to make you turn your wife and say let's just go with mauve. If it sounds like my recording's coming to you exclusively in the right channel of your headphones, it's because I'm favoring that butt cheek because my other one's so tender and sore from punching. Mr. Gray, remember last night when you punched my butt? Yeah, I'm suing you for sexual harassment. No, you can't. Check the contract, section B. For butts, that's how I keep it categorized. B section, all butt stuff including indices J through K punching. My inner casual Friday. My inner goddess awoke to punch his butt and then he was punching my butt and then we punched each other's butts back and forth. You done butt punch the

come right out me. Sorry, Deborah, Deborah I laughed. Let me try that take again. You done butt punch the come right out me. We ADR'd in all of Christian Gray's lines, so the real guy doesn't do anything. It's just the three of us taking turns. Yeah. Oh man. How many times in the novel does he or she give the other one purple nerples? How purple are their nerples? I am the oldest master of your sexual destiny, Justin Macaroy. I'm your middlest HR representative, Travis Macaroy. And I'm Griffin Macaroy, the emperor of piss. Oh man, I don't know a goddamn thing about this film or book. I think we are nailing it. I think we're doing pretty good. A lot of people described it,

they said it was just like pornography. And I don't think those people have seen pornographic. Do they have wet butts? Because if not, then it's not like the pornography I've seen. Yeah. As my wife pointed out, it's probably just a bunch of butts, right? Like butts for days. Yeah. Butts on butts on butts. I made this point to my wife, Rachel, who I feel like when I say the words I'm about to say to you, the audience, she maybe loves me a little bit less. I think I shave a little bit off of the reservoir there. But that movie can't show penetration. It just can't show penetration. It will not show penetration. So this is the nastiest book ever, but the movie can't even show a penetration scene. Any object into any orifice. At best,

it is like a softcore late night HBO, cinemax kind of movie. At worst. Yeah. Even that can show the bottom of a ball as it penetrates possibly. But just a ball left or right, cheese. Right. And only the bottom quarter of it. And I'm saying we're not even going to get that. So what's a God's damn point? Just read a book. Well, don't read that book. Use your imagination. Read any other book, I mean, honestly. Watch the pornography of your mind. I think there's ropes and chains, right? And a sling in hands. Use your daddy. Yes, I am. And a gross misrepresentation of like the whole BDSM lifestyle. But other than that, one minor thing upon which the entire book is built. It's a fine read, a breezy read.

Do you think that the BDSM community reads 50 Shades of Grey in anger the way like the Wicke and community reads Harry Potter? Yeah, there's no butt punching in BDSM. What are you even saying? 50 Shades of Grey? And now everyone, now all the first timers are going to come in and just start punching butts. Day one. That's a professional move. Let's see. Hey, Mr. Jasmine, could you step into my office for a minute? We've had a lot of complaints. We're going to have to let you go from the BDSM club. You're out. Punch one butt. Yeah, but we have a zero butt punch strike policy. I walked into the fuck prison and just shouted whale on my pee pee. That's not allowed. Okay. No, that was okay. It was the butt punching. That was the problem.

I can't help myself. I see those cheeks. They look like little speedbags. I'm training for the fight. I got a fight coming up. My son is about to lose his first. Oh, on the show, like questions and stuff. My son is about to lose his first tooth. His best friend received 100 goddamn dollars from the tooth fairy. And my son seems to think that amount is normal. How do I manage his expectations without losing the magic? And that's from dentally distraught in Delaware. Here's the point I'll make. And I know I'm coming at this from an adult who is at best tooth fairy agnostic. I'm not too fairy theistic. I think the truth is out there somewhere. But I'm just not. I'm not willing to commit one way or the other.

If I had to choose between losing a tooth or paying $100, I would pay $100 every time. It's not even a question of me. Each of my teeth I have currently in my head, let me do some quick math, probably $3,000 worth of teeth going for me. This seems right, right? I got about 30 teeth up in there. That sounds right. Let me count them real quick. That'd be real good radio. I have about $3,000 worth of beautiful enamel in my mouth. I'm not willing to trade any of that for $100. Now, I'm doing fairly well for myself these days. Maybe in my ramen and hot dogs era, I would have gone to the tooth bank and just started swapping those bad boys out. Griffin, you know that the deal with the tooth fairy isn't that you're buying the teeth from the

child, right? You're not saying, hey, Tim, pull it out. No, I'm just saying if we're looking for a way to establish value, all right. Losing your teeth is the worst. It's the dream. It's the nightmare I have most commonly is the tooth losing nightmare. I think a lot of people can relate to that. How much money would you spend to save one of your teeth from leaving your mouth? Yeah, that's a toughie, right? I don't know what that figure is. I don't know what that figure is. Definitely, I would have paid someone more than $100 to replace a tooth in my mouth. Yeah, now we're talking, yeah, if we're going into the medical community, each tooth could arguably be worth anywhere between $800 to $20,000.

I feel like we're ignoring something about this question and that is that kids lie all the time constantly. They're never not lying. They're 100% lying forever. But no question. Call this kid's family. Guarantee they didn't even know he lost a tooth. Let me let me let me pitch this scenario to you though, Justin. Okay. Hey, Deborah, did you you grab that tooth from under Timmy's pillow, right? And you put a dollar? Yeah, I just grabbed a dollar out of your wallet, but I didn't have any dollars in my wallet. I just hit the bank. It was all hundreds. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I just saw one and I was like, here, let's just go with it. I grabbed a bill because who keeps $100 bills on their wallet,

Steve? This is why we have money troubles. Justin, this is something that you're going to run into eventually with your spawn, your brood. I think $1 for a tooth, even a child's tiny, insignificant, bullshit tooth that can't do much tune of anything in any way. I think $1 is garbage. I think it's a bullshit exchange rate. First of all, inflation, crazy. Inflation be crazy right now, you guys. So like $1 isn't going to buy you anything. It's not even going to buy you an issue of us weekly, which is I mean, I think you're making a fair point. I don't really see that it's up to me, but I think it's a fine point you're making. I'm just saying, I'm saying like at the very least $5 and then at least the child.

Why would I? How would I weigh into that decision at all? Well, the tooth fairy comes to you and says, what denomination of currency? Where are you economically? Oh, okay. So like inflation, like they want to make sure they just keep it like within the, they don't want to make the kid richer than me at that right? Yeah, because then they become the parent. That's the law. Why do you think that like fucking Britney Spears parents just like fucking robbed her blind Justin Bieber got just got Rob blind? It's because none of these parents want to be the children, you know, right? And that's what happens. That's what that head start thing you hear such

about. That's what it is. That's what it is. It's a parental swap Rooney. It's a freaky Friday, but it's been codified into a business. I have a suggestion for the question asker. Instead of money, swap it for some kind of good, like maybe a new Xbox game, right? That costs less than $100. That's awesome. But in a child's mind, it might as well cost 10,000. Yeah, like, oh, I got something. That's way better. It's a really good idea. 60 bucks for a new triple A video game is still a crazy amount of money. Yeah. Well, I'm saying, but I'm saying you could pick up like a pre-owned certified pre-owned game. Oh, thanks. Madden 96 for the original PlayStation. I love it. This is great. I love how

it has eight different stickers on it. Thanks, GameStop. You're really good. Oh, and it smells like weed. And that's fun. Madden 96. Who was even playing football back there? Is that Dion Sanders? Is that Dion? Okay. I mean, I guess I wasn't alive when Dion Sanders existed, but that's totally... Why does it sound the back bone nose tackling for Don't Love Me? I don't understand. How old would you say is the average kid who's losing teeth and swapping them with the tooth fairy? Like seven? I should learn this. Is that like seven? I think I feel like maybe five to 10 is really the sweet spot where all the goddamn teeth fall out of your head. Oh, childhood is the worst. Because I feel like maybe he's going to lose

sight of the fact that like his friend got a hundred bucks. Probably the time he gets like a 20. Yeah. Or he'll lose sight of it when the parents of the $100 child go completely broke. They could go completely bankrupt because that... Because they're going to spend $30,000. Well, $3600 if they keep it up. I would like to suggest that if you are leaving $100, there is no amount of like being rich where you would think that is a good idea. I would like to suggest that if you are leaving $100 under a child's pillow for a tooth, there is only one logical reason that would be happening and that is money laundering. You are trying to launder a large sum of money through your child's mouth so the federalists

can't get their growing mitts on it. It's also... I would pitch another scenario that this kid's parents forgot to swap the tooth like the last three times. Oh, I see. We've got to pull out all the stuff. We've got to do something big for this one or he's going to stop. He's going to stop believing. Well, I'm glad we could talk about that instead of my thing. I'm saying that they are equally... I thought they were honestly... I mean, if I was running a chuckle school, I would say a concept of forgetful parents versus money laundering. Money laundering. Maybe more comedy. Oh, you want to interrupt to get... Yeah, cool. What do you got now? What do you got now, Caratop? Maybe you got your chocolate in my peanut butter. Got my peanut butter in your chocolate.

They're forgetful money laundering parents. Do they launder that my hour jail? We are supposed to launder $10 each time. We'll just do a hundred. No one will notice. Surely he won't tell the kids at school. Where do we put the books we've been keeping for the mob? I don't even know. Fuck. Which mob are we in? Are we in your mob? Sorry. I know this is awkward. Are we in the Scarface mob or the Japanese mob? Are we Yakuza? Did we... Honey, are we Yakuza? Are we supposed to be putting Yakuza money in Dylan's mouth? Is this... Is this ornate dragon on my back? A gang thing? Or is it... I just love dragons. Is there a rumble tonight or is that tomorrow? Did we miss it?

Oh, no. Honey, I just broke a pool cue over my knee and God help me if I could remember what I was going to do with it. That was our last good pool cue. The other ones are all warped and bent. If only we hadn't spent all that money laundering it through our child and the two fairies. Honey, you put the actual money in the laundry. No. No. No. This is bad. This is like the Amelia Bedelia school of mafioso life. You're such a scatter rain mafioso. You're supposed to put dates in the pudding so you cut up a calendar. Oh, Amelia Bedelia, yours. Amelia Bedelia Corleone. You don't know nothing about money laundering. Dummy. Y'all wanna y'all who? Yep. Yes. Let's just take a quick moment and take our game and recognize the game of Rachel

Sperling. Thank you, Rachel Sperling. Rachel Sperling, who was at the San Francisco live show that we had. It was basically a celebrity. We got a bunch of emails and tweets that were like, oh my God, I got to meet Rachel Sperling. Yeah. And Davenport was there. My boy D, big D. They fought. And they fought. The ground shook. And San Francisco's not there anymore. Yep. Just because there was a flurry of blows exchange between them. Anyway, thank you, Rachel Sperling. It's by Yahoo Answers user Jacob who asks, how can you dominate each zodiac sign? What is every zodiac's weakness? I just want to know how to dominate very zodiac sign in a friendship type of way. How do you become dominant in a relationship with any zodiac,

especially Geminis? I would also like to know what every zodiac signs weakness is emotionally and mentally. Ooh, here's some 50 shades. Shit, isn't it? Okay. So wait, hold on. Is this dude looking for something that's like, oh, if you make eye contact with a Scorpio, they're yours forever. And that's right, Travis. If you make eye contact with a Scorpio, usually it's hard to do because Scorpios are trained to just sort of look into the middle distance. They will look intently at a chin or nose, but never in the eyes. But if you can trick one of them into doing it, their soul is legally your property. So that's what Scorpios are all about. That was very astute, Travis. And I didn't know that you were a student of the stars. I only know one other one.

And it's Aquarius. And if you squeeze their right pinky finger, short squeeze, short squeeze, long squeeze, short squeeze, scorch squeeze, scorch squeeze. Just bang out the Konami code on their digits. And then what does that do? That means that they owe you $5 every day for the rest of their lives. And you do that to enough Aquarii. You got a little cottage industry. Yeah, you're set. You're good to go. Cancers, they actually have a glowing weak point on their belly. That one's easy. If you punch that, then they void their bells. And you've got that on them. You punch that, it flips them over. They kind of lie there on their back like that. And then you want to use it. You use the deku nut. If you use the deku nut,

it stuns them. Right. Taurus. I mean, just stop giving it gas, I guess. Low MPG. It should put a stop to it. Also, if you just sort of grab their horns, then you can just like fucking flip them right over. They can't do anything. It's like grabbing a cat by the scruff of its neck. And then there's the monkey. No. They're weak against fire. No, no, no. Bulbasaur is weak against fire and bird types. So, God, you're acting like a real Bulbasaur right now. I know you're a Taurus, but I'm in Aries, and as far as I know, I don't really have any weaknesses. Well, that's your weakness, your hubris. Yeah, I guess that's true. If there's a movie with a

robot in it and something bad happens to the robot, I'll cry for three and a half weeks. So, that's a big issue. That's a big one for me. Hey, Griffin, you're going to go see Big Hero 6? I don't think I will. Thank you, because I have plans next Friday. I don't want to still be crying. I don't want to still be crying about Big Hero 6. Pisces, the weak point is the heart. You got to stab them in it. Oh, God. Yeah. Okay. Well, I think that would work for most. Not so much an emotional middle weakness. I'm pretty sure everyone's weak in their heart. No, but Pisces are especially weak. I see here on your sexual contract, you've written down, don't stab my heart. And I have to be honest, I wasn't planning on doing that,

but I guess it's good to help out. But now, super curious. Yeah. I just want to say that I love the context of this question more than anything. I love it. I love that there's a guy sitting there going like, I just want to be friends with everyone. So, how can I dominate them? Well, you can't, you know what demands? You can't be friends with somebody until they're just fucking terrified of you. Right. It's called the Biff School of Making Friends. Yeah. You really have to terrorize them into being your buddy. Justin, you have just broken my heart in twain. This idea that the plot of Back to the Future is really about lonely, lonely Biff. Yeah. McFly. McFly, what are you? Cancer? Come here on a punchy tummy.

You find that weak point. What if, what if in the moment when George McFly stood up to Biff, Biff was just heartbroken? Like, but I thought we were friends. This is just us, right? We just, I give you a hard time and you're kind of a dork, but like. Gemini's, of course, their only weak point is being covered in manure. It's the only way to kill one. It nullifies their regenerative process. Because there's two of them. And also, if you kill one with manure, it ripples back through their bloodline and kills all of the past versions of them with manure as well. Or you could just, I mean, if you wanted to, you know, do it scientifically,

you could kill the past one and it would ripple forward. That's a much easier, chronic. Makes a lot more sense. Yeah, like makes it like wicked, like a lot more sense. It, man, who just now thinking about that? If Marty Fly had just sort of murdered, what's his face? Mad Bill Hickock. Nope. Who was it? Mad Dog Tannen. Mad Dog Tannen shot him right in the dome or punched him in the, covered him in, in, in manure and then shot him. Then shot him. Or else there's no fucking, there's no, well, it's the only way. It's the only way to ensure that the job gets done. Got to weaken him up. Cover, cover him in manure, shoot him.

And then that pretty much takes care of, well, just about everything, huh? That wraps up the series, I guess. Do you guys want to do, do, do, do? Should we do a future four? I don't think we can, because there is no friction there. We murdered, we murdered all Biffs past, present and future. The Biffpocalypse. What if number, what if the fourth one is they realized they needed at least one Biff to like save the world? And you have to go dig back, dig Biff out of the poop before it gets shot. If it gets shot, it's fine. Don't worry about it.

But you, no, you have to go shoot yourself before you shoot. You are the gunman on the grassy novel. You are the third man. You are the one who has to bring yourself down before you shoot back, back into the future, back into the future. Solid. Thank you. Thank you. Delicious. Next question. Let's see. We got one here. I'm going with my wife and a part of her family on a rather expensive trip to full, which has been planned for Florida.

This has been planned for several months. We are now very close to the trip and a 50 something year old sister who originally declined in fight is interested. However, she doesn't want to pay and wants to sleep on a cot with her boyfriend in our beachfront homes in closed patio. How should we handle this? That's from Jim City Slacker. Oh, it's easy. Tell him to fuck off. What are you even talking about? We want it. We don't want to pay. So you're not going to get any money out of us. And we're also going to make you feel super bad by sleeping on the ground.

Is that okay? Is that an equitable solution? We don't want to pay and we won't have sex on your patio. We're not only going to not contribute. We're going to make you feel shitty the whole time you're there. Is that okay? Does that sound like, am I a good vacay buddy? So like, if you want to take them and have them not pay because months and times are tight, but they want to like hang out with you, that's fine. Do that. But don't like this. I fucking hate that. The I'm not going to pay. So I'll just like live in poverty while you guys do it up, sleep in your, you know, thousand thread count sheets while I

huddle up on the floor underneath some us weeklies. If you have any bread crusts or yeah, you guys going out to a nice dinner again? Well, don't forget the doggy bags, I guess. Right. That's feed us like dogs. Leave your leftovers in a pile on the floor outside the mud room and me and Dan will just get to them. Don't forget to swap your in-laws. Go ahead and put it in a garbage bag if you want. We'll just tear open the garbage. We'll climb it later. We'll use it as a blanket. We'll use it like a little food womb. Just leave it in your trash. No, that sucks. Don't put any chicken bones in there though.

You know how we get. Dan choked on the last one. He's dead now. I crawled inside it for warmth. You thought he's so bad on the outside. We haven't bathed in three weeks. We don't have a fancy shower like you people. No, I think the griffin is right. And if it's like a matter of like they always wanted to go, but like they couldn't afford it. And now it's like, hey, would it be cool if we went like that's different than like, hey, sure, fuck it. We'll go with you. I'm not going to pay because you already paid for everything, right? So like there's nothing to pay for that shitty. Yeah, that sucks. I mean, I'm not even saying that. I'm saying if they want to go and not pay and you're fine with

it because you want to spend time with them and they don't have the money right now and you feel bad for excluding them and then your family and you want to chill, cool, then have them along. But the, I mean, this is more advice for them than it is for you, I guess, but just this act of like we don't have money. So we're going to live like poppers while you guys do up the high life. Like that sucks. Imagine being the boyfriend and asking off for work like, hey, I'm going to need this weekend, July off. I am going to stay with my girlfriend's family on the patio for free for a week. I don't know why you would be so specific with your time off request. I think I'll eat a sandwich on Thursday and maybe see a movie on Friday. I just think this is the ultimate expression

of beach life. I'm pretty sure this is how Jimmy Buffett was born, like he realized he was conceived on a patio. He was like, well, once you stay for free and somebody's enclosed patio of your girlfriend's family, you really don't get to come back from that level of chill. You can't start to rebuild a normal life with the societal bounds. Right. Well, yeah, what is this tie? It's a noose is what it is because I once had the ultimate freedom of sleeping in a cot in an enclosed patio. On a cot on a patio. I know freedom. You said I made love on a cat on a patio. Well, that was my favorite Jimmy Buffett song. And my favorite scene from Garfield Tale of Two Kitties. Stay put, Fluffy. That's almost done. Do you think that's what cheeseburger and paradise

is about? Is it Jimmy Buffett was starving to death on a family vacation he didn't pay for and then a miracle burger just appeared on his naked chest. Just floating floating in the area to chase it down the beach. It's not it's not your time, James. Cheeseburger to paradise. Cheeseburger I found in the trash in law's leftovers. Half of a burger, some old French fries and half of a cake. It's just a cheeseburger I found in the trash. Cheeseburger or else I'll die. I like my before the magnets get to it next to the ketchup and not next to tampons. The culture of fear. None of that is in the garbage. Oh well. Cheese, tamponi and paradise. Can't be too picking when you're close to the edge.

Jimmy, I don't think we can release this song. Use your imagination to just get it down. Hey, Jimmy, could you cover my office? I want to talk to you about your latest single. Yeah, it's just there. They're might they're probably not gonna be. Yeah, it turns out it's the most popular song ever. We can't do it on ourselves. It's uniting the world like wild stallions. He had to travel 800 years to the future to pin cheese tampons in paradise. How about at Money Zone? We've talked about this before and we'll say it again, 90% that's the amount of time that you are in underpants. Get old fast.

I don't want to I know listen I don't want to like cause a stink with the bullet points that me and he says provided us but I would say that number is much much much much much much much higher for me. When was the last time you weren't wearing underwear Griffin? I mean there's a there's a like an eight second period. No, not even that. I would say about I would say there's about a four second period there when I switch between pairs of miandis and that's about all that you can get out of me vis-a-vis my ding-dong being exposed to the world. Well, not everybody has those those sorts of restrictions. I think they are not restrictive at all. They are breathable and soft and I need them on me all at all times.

I am technically speaking wearing miandis right now if you guys have to know the truth. Wait, what do you mean technically? Like you're wearing one your head? Yeah, he's got he's turned them into he's fashion them into a sharp bangle. I'm legally wearing miandis right now. They're contractual mundies. I'm wearing contractual undies. We call them mundies by the way. At this point I just assume that everyone's those like made the switch but if you haven't miandis is a great fitting pair of underwear that's two times softer than cotton and that is no BS. That is 100% true. They are lovely. If you go to miandis.com you're going to find

incredible styles and different looks for both men and women. If you're you know, it's a little late because you've done Miss Valentine's Day but let me just throw out matching underpants. It's a good look. It's president's day, right? Today is president's day when you're listening to this. Sure. Yeah. God, it's going to be hard because they have to ship them and stuff. If you can go to the the mundies factory and get them hot off the tip the tap and then just like throw those on your tip and then you're going to have a president's day style that your partner or your future partner that maybe you haven't even met yet is just going to go agaga for. And the miandis fabric is it's awesome. It fits great. It doesn't ride up and it literally pulls

moisture away from your skin so you're cool all day long. You're so comfortable wearing these goddamn underpants. They're so lovely and they're also environmentally friendly and they it's it's wonderful. If you go to miandis.com slash my brother you're going to get 20% off your first order and free shipping. Go look. I promise you you'll see a style you'll like and then you'll order them and you'll say like oh my god why have I not been girding my loins with these like my whole life? Let me ask you to a question. Hit me. Let me ask you to a science question. Okay. You put the mundies on and then it draws the moisture away from your zone. Uh-huh. That is that was that's what we've been told by corporate overlords. And I've been told that I've been told that yes it's a fremen

suit. You put it on and I've also been told this just sort of by my zone because it knows what it likes and it likes dryness. And it's bluetooth compatible. It pulls away your gooch juice and it pulls it all away and it keeps it super dry and it removes the moisture. But it doesn't get very soggy. Is it teleporting your gooch juice away? Is it like a wizard? Like where is the juice going? I don't know. The juice is loose. The juice is loose but is it being fucking procedurally atomized? What's going on? Is it vaping my juice? Have you seen really wonka in the chocolate factory and you know mic tv? Yeah. Okay. Every time you wear me undies someone on your television gets wet underpants. Okay. That's cool. That makes perfect sense.

Anyway go to meundies.com slash my brother and try those out. You're gonna love them. Who else we got? Well we've got like old old school friend of the show. Oh man classic nature box. Classic pals at nature box. I'm trying to think of like how do you not already know about nature box at this point? I just assume that everybody at this point is wearing me undies and snacking on nature box which are whole. I mean you're gonna snack right? Everybody's gonna snack. Everybody knows that. But what nature box affords you is an opportunity to do it in a healthy style. Healthy. Not just healthy but like with a rotation of like brand new snacks every time you receive a box. Like you're not gonna there's so many options so many different choices you can choose

the same ones if you're like oh my god I love those pistachio power clusters. I never want to not have those. Great. You can get those and then try like three or four new ones that month. You know what I mean? And you're like okay now I love this. We just did garlic plantain chips. Whoa that sounds good. They're insane. They're so good. I have to make sure I don't just keep eating them because then all I will taste for the next three days is garlic but they're so good. Anti-bananas. That's how a plantain is. A plantain is like a little baby banana. It's so cute. But yeah there's like you can also there's stuff like dried berries and like some dried pineapple slices that are so good. So basically any kind of snack that you like whether it's

savory, sweet, spicy whatever. Umami. You're gonna find something at nature box that you're like okay yeah that sounds incredible. And then you know you mix and match a couple new snacks and they have zero artificial flavors colors or sweeteners zero grams trans fat and no high fructose corn syrup. So it's like the best and here's the best thing about it in case you didn't already know. You have the chance to try nature box for free with a free trial box featuring five of their most popular snacks. It's making me angry now that you're lying. I am not lying Justin. I'm a hundred percent. There's no way any deal could be this good. It is that good Justin and you know why because we love our listeners. Nature box is like I don't

know about these free snacks guys and we put our foot down and we dominated them. We stared them in the eye and we said get free snacks and they said okay please don't punch us in the butt again. And they said but you have to go to their house and hand deliver it and then mouth feed it to them like a baby bird. And I said that's fine and that's the only listen it's not ideal. You're gonna wish you're gonna wish that you were eating these delicious sriracha roasted cashews without us having to chew them up and spit them in your mouth like a baby bird well an adult bird. But that's just the way the croaky crumbles but it won't cost you anything and we're very discreet. We come in an unmarked brown box. Please don't cover with the breath holes.

Yeah we need those. So go to naturebox.com slash my brother and get a free trial box now. Where'd all my plantains go? We eat them in here because we had a very long journey in the postal service system. I have a call to action for you listeners and that is to pick up Robocopter Ski Patrol at Amazon today and make your life and the lives of your loved ones demonstrably better. That word is so great isn't it demonstrably. Because it's got demon in there. And monster yeah you can make the lives of your loved ones full of demon monsters but better. What the hell is this thing you're telling me about? Robocopter Ski Patrol. I want you to when you hear those words Robocopter Ski Patrol. First I want you to just sort of smile.

I got my wallet out just like you saying it. I got my wallet out. Think Dr. Who crossed with Archer and a little bit of high-grade alcohol consumption. Does that sound awesome? Then you want Robocopter Ski Patrol the best way to buy someone's love especially the authors and you know you want that. This is a book written by Aaron Seacross that you can get on Amazon. They have it on paperback or Kindle if you like digi stuff and it is about a group of quote idiots and perverts and an international conspiracy and there's a great drawing on the front of the book of the Robocopter in question that looks like maybe I did it when I was seven years old. Look kind of reminds me of the album art or the cover art for Grant Andrew's Kid Cop

which is my classic book coming soon to Amazon. It looks great so that's what Amazon now think about it. Look inside your heart. Just decide that you need Robocopter Ski Patrol in your life. And then just buy it. Don't think about it anymore. I have a message for Kevin Riptide Ruiz. I think I fucked that up and it's from Ginny Rampage Hernandez and Sean Bandana Mitchell. Ginny or sorry Rampage and Bandana say to Riptide the starry eyed angler gnashes through spinal caps left by spinal taps and constant lashes and knickknacks fallen around her tummy sack. Lay your head on the supple breast of the mayor smoking crack. That laugh that was bathed in icker comes from playing like a matador has us rolling on the floor. Did I ever tell you

your mother is a whore? Woof. Woofadoofa. Hoofy doofy. Bandana you're better than that. What happened? What did I just read? What was any of that? I think you're a slam poet now. I think I might be a, oh did I not slam that hard enough? The starry eyed angler gnashes through the spinal cap. Hold on. I'm going to decide for this real quick. Oh Riptide just graduated from college. Congratulations Kevin. Congratulations Riptide. We're very proud of you. It was a hard time getting through spinal taps university but you did a really great job. Happy graduation and now you have a wide world of opportunities just laying in front of you. I'm Jesse Thorn. I'm Jordan Morris. The federal government has millions of dollars in programs and opportunities

that you need to seize today. You're a taxpayer right? Well then you've got it coming. Learn the secrets you deserve to know. Find the bowling alley under the White House and the laser tag arena underneath Congress. Learn the real story behind Nicholas Cage's dinosaur auction. Find out why the Department of Energy has banned shirts. Learn the locations of America's secret alien bases and Dan Aykroyd. Find out where the Library of Congress keeps its kasingles. For all of this and more, drop us a line. Jordan, Jesse, go 123 Itunes Street or wherever you download podcasts. Take us in. Farm wisdom, farm wisdom. It's been a while. Make a cake right out of hay, farm wisdom.

Make a what now? Make a cake right out of hay, farm wisdom. Make a cakes. I got make a but then make a cake right out of hay, farm wisdom. Why you said cake rat? Have the saddest birthday, farm wisdom. Well, not if you're a cow. Yeah, no. If you're a cow, it would be fucking dope. Farm wisdom. It's back. Griffin, read the first one. This one is from Hannah who says, donkeys hate canines. To protect your sheep from coyotes, you should get a couple of donkeys. They get lonesome if they are only one. Ain't that the truth? Be very careful. They will sometimes kick and kill pet dogs. You gotta really hate dogs. Yeah. You know that movie must love dogs? Don't try to set a donkey up with Jimmy Garofalo.

I don't know what I just said. No, that was what that movie was about. Was she in it or was that true about cats and stuff? Okay, so now I know that also about coyotes. They love to hunt domesticated dogs. The way they do it is to send one coyote of the pack to play with the dog and lure it back to the pack where they will kill it and eat it. They don't eat the paws though. So if you see your dog playing with a coyote, get it away fast. What the fuck coyotes? They're all honeypotting all over the place. They're setting up these irresistible honeypot play pin traps. This is some fucking garbage. I can't believe that coyotes weren't any better than this. You think they would have a little more respect for their superiors.

Why do you think they consume all the coyote, but they draw the dog, but they draw the line at the paws? Because that's the part that's been on a human floor. Yeah, it's too prim and proper. You know what I mean? This is fucked up. Hey, you like to play? Hey, check out this butt. You want to sniff it? Yeah, let's do a butt sniff. Hey, you know where we can find a lot of other butts that we can just sort of slam jam on and just sort of sniff all day until the sun comes down? I can tell you. Back in my coyote house. Come back to my coyote house. I got about six or seven butts there and we can go sniff them together and you'll come home with your paws intact. I promise you're having a great time. Don't mind all the paws laying around. We got piles of paws, piles of paws. Don't

worry about those. Those are from other dogs, but they are not as special as you. I'm sure you'll pass through our coyote gauntlet just fine. Unmarred. Just come on through, come on through, butts are just a little bit further, a little bit further and chomp. I also want to say, Hannah, thank you so much for sending these in, but I can honestly say, even without this little snippet of farm wisdom, if I looked out my window and saw my dog playing with the coyote, I wouldn't just be like, oh, how cute. That's sweet. I'll tell you what else I wouldn't do though, get in the middle of that. Because clearly coyotes like to eat dogs very, very much. I don't want to be the one who is saying, please don't do this. Oh, you don't want to

take that away from the coyote? Well, no, I don't want to take me into the coyote. I don't want to be eaten by a coyote. If Justin hadn't- I love dogs. I love dogs. I know where they sell them. He loves coyotes, but the outside of them, not the inside. The inside. I don't need a better look there. I love dogs. I know where they sell dogs. Yeah. Do you guys want a yahoo? Sure. Yeah. Here's this yahoo was sent in by level 14,000. Yajoo, Shaman, Drew Davenport. Thank you, Drew. It's by Yajoo Answers user, Ricardus, who asks, scientists try to dim the sun. Which is prey so that the sun doesn't shine? The result will be famine. What needs to be done about this?

Okay. So run it back. The question asker is just stating the fact that scientists- All facts here, baby. Okay. Scientists are trying to dim the sun. Fact. While simultaneously on the other end of the spectrum, witches are trying to stop the sun from shining. Opes both worked. Now we got famine. Yeah. We need witches and scientists to agree that just one of them is going to keep the sun in check. Because right now, there's a little bit too much between the science and the prayers. Sounds getting a little too dark for my taste. Thank you. Did the scientists go to the witches as one option for keeping the sun in check? Listen,

our science isn't getting it. We have one other scientific solution, which is please, please just dim it down, keep it down. See, I was thinking that it was more of a circumstance in which the two sides just forgot to communicate with each other. Yeah, that's what I think is happening. Oh no, it was an off week. Science was supposed to keep the sun not burning the planet up. And they're like, no, because last week, wait, hold on, was it an odd numbered week? Oh no, we science and magic. We science and magic too dark. Science had the week off. It's so vitally important that at least one of these two organizations is doing something about the goddamn sun now. Or else what's up day after

tomorrow, solar flares, Golden Gate Bridge, that's gone, done, got melted by the sun's extreme heat. Why? Okay. Ionosphere witches did that. So you have them to thank for the ionosphere. No, here's the one thing I will say to Justin's point. I love anyone who poses a question and then ends it like poses a hypothetical and it's like, what can we do to stop it? It's like, but you, but yeah, that's like saying like, what if demons attacked demons and monsters attacked the earth? What could be done? This is, this is Travis. This is fucking debate club 101. If you, if you even open up your, if you even open up your statement to be possibly disproven, if you show even a fraction of a shadow of doubt in your own mind, then your enemy debater is going

to come at you with a hearty repose and he's going to tear your shit apart. This is why just like a coyote does with a dog. I appreciate this question, ask her, doesn't want to get hung up too much on the will they won't they of witches and science. Will those two kids ever get together? This person has left right too. Let's get of course it's going to happen. Let's work on solutions together. Internet, let's get a plan together for when this does happen. Okay, we're going to have to get the daughter of the witch king to fall in love with the son of the lead scientist, right? And it's like, what science and magic together? This couldn't possibly be, but then they really hit it off

and they're like, man, love would be great if it weren't so hungry because of this blasted famine. Yeah. Oh, solutions. She'll fill his belly with her magical spawn. Uh-huh. And when that baby comes out of his body, fully formed man, he will be the solar lord. Please tell me, Travis, there is at least one, our Griffin, please tell me there's at least one response to this question from someone saying, okay, I'm picking up a little land down. Let me find my mind. Someone had the balls to say it. Well, we're all thinking. Well, first off, let me hit you with Saucy's response. One fucking voice Saucy is in the comments. You know, when he's got something to say, you can't fucking keep Saucy down.

And Saucy said, dim sum does sound good right now. Nice. Whoa, Saucy, you just intentionally misinterpreted dim sun. And he did it. That's fucking classic Saucy. And he just, oh, someone call on ambulance because my gut just fucking busted and now I'm septic. Witness of Jesus has a pretty level headed response that has nothing to do with the Roth child banking cartels. Oops, no way. Ultimately, we need to put climate changers in jail for fraud and embezzlement of taxes. We need to get rid of the United Nations and all treaties and we need to put the last 10 presidents in jail for treason with the Rockefellers and the Roth childs for being enemies of American citizens. Witches need to repent. No doubt. Everything

thinks their own versions of sin and idolatry are okay. Not so everything that offense will be destroyed. And to me, the true definition of a witch is one who poisons. I love a comment that even the question asker who asked about witches and scientists dimming something like, whoa, calm down, crazy person. Guys, Kim Trails are obviously a direct result of President Obama through Carter's witch sin. We need to put the last 10 presidents in jail, even the dead ones. We need to exhume Reagan and it's the only way we're going to get rid of these goddamn Kim Trails. Fuck me. Jesus. And a witch is just someone who poisons. No, a witch is not. That's unfair because you're going to want a lot of just regular poisoners

in with witches. I just want one question that is just going to be relaxing to answer. I don't think that's so much to ask. I just want one soothing question. Yeah. You mean it's not soothing thinking about the witch led solar death of the universe? Yeah. What is your opinion on returning food if your order is incorrect? Here we go. This is nice. And does your opinion alter of the food is takeout rather than dine in? Recently, I ordered a calzone from a local pizza. Okay, listen, you know what? I don't need this whole story. They got your calzone wrong, right? Well, no. Okay. The fuck up that they did is in my mind, treasonous. Okay. I think they should be hanged from the neck until dead for what they did to this man.

I ordered a calzone from a local pizzeria, which the filling I received was ham rather than pepperoni. Hang from the neck until dead. Dead on the street. This is high treason. High calzone treason. Drag them away with a calzone. You didn't know till you bit into it. You couldn't look and say like, oh, you have to take a bite. Like, what? Oh, oh. You went from having pizza semulchrum to this weird chicken cordon blue with no chicken mess. You've hammed me, sir. You've hammed me. God, I hate ham. I've been John Ham. Ham, you're so close to me. Are you suggesting that John Ham earned his num to plume by going to calzone serving restaurants and hiding his horrible namesake inside of those sacred pockets of salt. Like John Apple seed of ham.

Oh, Christ. Johnny Hamples. I totally get it. This is a tough, tough thing because if you're in, if you're in the building, I would be, I'm sorry. I'm still thinking about getting ham. I'm angry when I thought I was getting pepperoni. I'm sorry, Chavis. Go ahead. No, I was just gonna say, like, if you're in the building and it's brought to your table, it's so easy to be like, oh, I, I ordered ham, but I ordered pepperoni. But even then, like I was with my friend the other day, he ordered some boneless chicken wings, got bone in chicken wings. And the look on the face of the server when he was like, oh, they were supposed to be boneless. And you're going to clearly see this process of like, oh,

I don't know what to do with these. Then like, I can't unbone them. And eventually he was just like, no, you know, it's fine. It's fine. Don't worry about it. Like it's fine. It's fine. Yeah, I was, I was literally when I started reading this question, I was thinking like, almost, I can't imagine a scenario where we wouldn't just, I wouldn't just grin and bear it because for me, like the social discomfort that would be causing myself and this person by sending it back is, it would be too extreme to stomach, but not more extreme to stomach than fucking Calzone ham. That is, I guess, a bridge too far for this guy. I think the bigger, the bigger concern for me is not the, it's not the awkwardness of the initial exchange. It's the, okay, now you, everybody who

also got their food just now, go ahead and eat. Yeah. And I'll watch you. And then later you'll watch me eat a pepperoni calzone. And I'll, from dream of my handless future. Now I will say this, I will, even if I didn't send it back, I would still, if I was in the restaurant, if I was dying in, I would still say something because at the very least my meal should like be discounted because you fucking got it wrong. But like it's so much tougher with delivery because unless you like open the box, take a bite of the fucking ham zone and drive back to the, and then it's not a good look to tell the delivery person like, wait, one second. Let me taste this first. I've been burned before. You take a bite first.

You take a bite of the king's calzone. John Ham got me last time. No, but like that idea of like, if the drivers already, like your only option is like to drive to the place. Chasing him down the street. Stop, stop. There's been a ham mistake. Come back, you've stolen my dignity. Christopher, there's been a terrible ham mistake. You must stop your vehicle. So what's so in a ambulance? On the subject of getting the meal discounted because they made a ham mistake inside my dough, I would not worry so much about immediate fiducial restitution because I would sue that establishment for every goddamn penny that they have. Walking into the court with like a neck

brace on. I would fucking take Papa John. I think that one of the things that bothers me about getting the wrong item is when I correct them and then they take the wrong item back. Like, no, that's mine now. You put it in front of, we were at that coffee shop this weekend across from the hotel Kabuki. They gave me the wrong drink and I had to correct them and then they took that wrong drink back and it's like, hold on a second. This is mine now. I'm going to decide what to do with this. You focus on your thing. I'm going to decide how I distribute this. Maybe I want to split it. I don't know. You've created an impossible minefield, but I do think I can eat around the ham. It's going to take me a while. I might have wanted

to cut the crust off and turn it into bread sticks. You're not the boss of me. I've actually brought my pet crow here for this very reason. He digs into the calzone and removes the ham, so I can enjoy a ham free experience. He's my rising ham man. He's my ham crow. If you eat it, you have just entered into the situation, the possibility of impropriety, in that you are creating ham calzones with the intent of eating them, in which case that means you like ham. Get out of here. You disgust me. You like secret ham. Ham will never know how much ham will be in that bite. Enjoy. Secret dirty free ham. You fucking monster. You're hungry, and you put in the one ingredient you know no one would ever eat, and that's ham.

And it all would have worked out if it wasn't for the one guy who ran down the street chasing the delivery driver and unraveled your dastardly ham plans, John Ham. Do you think the first person that fucking calzone guy ever was like, well, we did it. We perfected food. And then the first person was like, I can ruin that. Some fucking gnarled fucking necromancer was like, I know what to do. You are enjoying your precious calzones. I think it is a good point that I think the difference between the boneless versus bone in wings and this is that that is just form version different. This is like content version different. Whereas like if you ordered a steak sandwich and they brought you a chicken sandwich, like that's a fucking thing. Well, no, because

ham and pepperoni are still technically cut from the same delicious. But you want to say what I'm saying. This idea of like I asked for a specific this is like this is like if you ordered buffalo wings and they brought you teriyaki wings, like that's like a problem. Like they just got 100% wrong. What if if you got a ham calzone? Could you not just sort of sit the ham out and wait for it to turn into pepperoni? Just age in the sun. The inclusion of bones in the wings is a makes it a much is a much bigger jump, I think, than pepperoni to ham because the inclusion of bones in the wings is ruining the illusion that I have that meat just comes from the store. And that's as much as I have to think about it. This meat comes from the store.

See, I hate the bones because it slows down my consumption process. Not as much as you think. I got to work around something. Not as much as ham slows down my calzone consumption process, which is to say absolutely. It absolutely terminates the process. Ham zero. No one's seen Griffin for 40 years. He took a bite of a ham calzone and had to retreat into the mountains to really think about things. He turned into a jade statuette. Remember when Griffin ate that ham accidentally and turned into a jade statuette because he didn't want to be alive anymore? All the best folk stories start with Griffin eating a ham calzone.

I miss Griffin. I miss Griffin. Not as much as I would have liked to share his pepperoni calzone, though. Goddamn. We were going to split that. He jumped on that grenade for me and he turned into a jade statue. Well, if you want to wipe the taste of ham out of your mouth, go to naturebox.com. We want to thank again for being a sponsor on the show, and you can get something like barbecue kettle kernels to wash that terrible, terrible ham taste out of your mouth. No, no ham guarantee at naturebox.com slash my brother. If you want to pretend that your ham is a little purse and go to meonies.com slash my brother and buy some underwear to put on it for you get 20% off your first order and right now

you'll get free shipping for your ham underwear. The perfect size for your ham. Oh, Christ. This ham is really fucking dry. Yeah, I know. I've been storing it in meundies, and it has moisture wicking properties. I'm trying to turn it into pepperoni. Thank you to everybody who came to our live shows in San Francisco and LA. We had a real hoot, I would say. It was a hoot nanny if I may be so bold. Thank you to the folks at Cobbs and the Hollywood Ferris Cemetery. Everybody was super, super nice and really helped us to get those shows off the ground for you. And also SketchFest people were amazing. If you remember in the SketchFest, you'd need to go next year because it's incredible. We will probably be posting

the San Francisco live show in, I don't know, in a few weeks. We're kind of keeping it in the chamber because Justin's about to move and will probably be disconnected from the web for a while. So we are going to publish that one, but it may be a little while. We got PO Boxes. Mine's 54. PO Boxes 54, Hunter West Virginia 25706. Mine is 173469, Los Angeles, California 90034. There are still tickets available for Chicago and Milwaukee shows coming up. Go to, I think it's bit.ly4 slash mbmbam Chicago and bit.ly4 slash mbmbam, what Travis? M-I-L. M-I-L. Okay. So go there. They are very close to sold out. I know that Minneapolis is already sold out and I'm checking the most recent count right now. It looks like we

are 89% sold out in Milwaukee and 76% sold out in Chicago. So if you've been thinking about getting tickets to that, do not sleep on that any longer. No, it is time. We've also, we've received a lot of great questions already, but we've got an upcoming episode with Paul Shear as our guest expert. If you would like him to answer one of your requests for advice, email us mbmbam at gmail.com or mbmbam at maximumfun.org. And those questions should be about Jason Statham movies, thank you notes, or weird collectibles. Just make sure to put guest in the subject line, so it's easy for me to find. And that should be coming up soon. Max Fun Drive is coming up. That is the Max Fun Fun Network's annual two week long fundraiser

thing. I don't know what to call it, but it's a lot of fun. We have some bonus length episodes. We have a extra donor only episode. And you won't want to miss this year's donor only episode because it's very special. That's all I'll say about it. But yeah, that's coming up. What are the dates for that? I believe it starts March 16th. Okay, it starts March 16th and goes for two weeks. So it'll be a very special time if you're a donor. Thank you very much. If you have not given to the show and you want to support the show, it's a great time to do it. It's cool stuff. If you've ever tried other shows on the network, it's a really great time to check those out because everyone's going to be bringing their

game shows like Oh No, Ross and Carrie, Lady to Lady, The Goose Down, Flop House, all kinds of wonderful shows, including Saw Bones with Justin McRoy and Sydney McRoy. It's a marital tour of Miss Guided Medicine. It's hilarious. It's Theresa's favorite show on the network and one of the few that I am not on. So that's cool. Okay. Yeah, thank you all very, very much. And also thanks to John Roderick and the Long Winters for these for a theme song. It's a departure off the album, putting the days to bed. Are we done? I think we're done. You want this one? All right, Griff, one more question. I'm about to grow on. Bounce This Finally Yahoo Off You is sent in by Level Billion, Drew Davenport. Thank you, Drew. It's by Yahoo Answers User.

They are anonymous. Can't see their name. No username. Okay. It's by an anonymous Yahoo Answers user who asks, what is Barack Obama's username on the PlayStation Network? I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad. School way on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hello, I'm Taco, the Elephant magician. We're a high church here, the master of clerical magic. I'm Magnus Burnside, the fighter. Did you guys like that? Did you, the listener, like that? You were just swept up in a world of high fantasy magic where anything can happen and anything is

possible. I am Griffin McRoy, Dungeon Master for the Adventure Zone, a new podcast on Maximumfun, in which magic and mystery intertwine for a very erotically charged role-playing experience. You can catch it every other Thursday here on Maximumfun.org for our iTunes. It's for Dungeons and Dragons, but with family.