My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 240: Teen Google

Episode Date: February 23, 2015

We hope you've enjoyed our podcast, because during today's episode, the three of us become too insanely rich to continue doing anything that could be considered "work." It's really hard to record a show when you're making it rain 24/7 -- the money keeps hitting the mic. Suggested talking points: All Movie Watch, Garbage Corn, Oscar Dogs, Nick Cannon-Lodeon, Salmon Burgers, Sir James Brewer: Defender of the Realm, Business Palantir, Ruth Orbs

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother, my brother, me and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your babyest brother, Griffin McElroy. Hello. Seven hours now. Seven hours straight with nine quick time windows going simultaneously.

It's Oscar watch 2015. All movie watch is what it is. We realized that it was time for Oscar watch, but we realized that we haven't watched any of the Oscar contenders. I am simultaneously watching all of them. I have ducted together 45 mini televisions. I'm watching them all at the same time, but it's starting to bleed together. JK7 just showed up in Selma. Stephen Hawking and Alan Turing are fighting it out. I'm losing my mind. Here's what worries me. I want to watch Eddie Redmayne's performance. I want to watch that man do his acting and do it right. I want to watch Bimba Ditt's Cumberbatch. I want to watch Bimba Ditt's Cumberbatch do his acting on the screen.

Here's the problem. I can't look away from Gone Girl because if I look away from Gone Girl, I might not see Ben Affleck's penis tip side, the side of his penis tip. You got that going. That was my longest run on sentence in my BimBam history and I've had some goddamn long ones. You just got the Oscar. It just happened. I fucking stopped for a second to record the intro of this podcast and I missed the goddamn side of his penis tip. It's like that flower in the Dennis the Menace movie. It's just like Ben Affleck's penis. You remember Mr. Wilson was waiting to see the flower, remember? I've got that one queued up but the window's a little bit smaller

because I had to prioritize my movie windows and Gone Girl got let's call it the star treatment. I think this year they're giving the Lifetime Achievement Award to the Dennis the Menace movie. Movies, there's several. Film series. I feel like we're crazy behind on all of our Oscar contenders. The only one that I really saw was Selma and then they just went ahead and just didn't nominate that for a goddamn thing. You thought you were getting out in front of this, right? I thought I was getting out. Everybody was like, yeah, I see that movie. It'll wreck your shit and it's going to win all the Oscars. You're going to be like told you so at the parties because

that's the only reason anybody goes to these fucking things. Anybody, everybody would rather- That's the only reason people see movies. Right. I would rather go out and I'd rather watch a Nicholas Cage film, for instance. You know that's not getting nominated but you got to watch a Nicholas Cage film like every month just to sort of get your mind right. I would much rather be doing that and said I got to go watch the goddamn imitation games. But I do love, thank you Oscars for throwing in random like curveballs like, oh yeah, you can watch Selma. You can watch Theory of Everything. Also X-Men Days of Future Passes up in there and you're like, what? Oh, you're so cool Oscars. I thought it was nice that they gave a future Oscar to Paul Boyard too.

Just Oscar for next year. Paul Boyard too. Next year, Oscar, they have a most promising category. It's made out of like just popsicle sticks and paste and it just says like you wanted the best Oscars. It's most most improved. Most improved part. Blartiest picture 2015. Best Bart sequel. Best Bart editing. I thought it was a little contentious when they gave that award to Hitch in 2008. That was best Bart prequel. Welcome to the Oscars Blarts where we got achievements in Bart related filmmaking. The Oscar for Blart design went to someone in an earlier procedure. I looked into the soul of Blart and I thought, how can I perfect him? I just want to thank my Blart and my two Blarts. I couldn't have done this without my Blart. You know who you are.

The original costume design for Blart included long pants and I said it would be funny if they were shorts. I'm Werner Herzog. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Again, he got shafted. Did you notice that Paul Bart mock-up didn't get any Oscar nominations again this year? Well, they couldn't not even sound editing. They couldn't not give one to the dude who played Martin Luther King in Selma. Hi, the hardest film role in the history of celluloid. Couldn't not nominate him, but also nominate Kevin James. They can't do that because we would burn the whole world down if that happened. He was allowed to play Martin Luther King and lost it at the last second. Because he couldn't get the Blart II contract. This is my brother and brother, May, as we said, it's an advice show.

We take your questions, turn them alchemy like into wisdom. We are not experts per se, but you know, we do our best and we try to have a little fun along the way. I recently started working in a movie theater. How many is too many cardboard standees to take home and display in my house? Now, this is a fun question because think about it. There is, if you have one, that's funny. How unique? Where did you get the, where did you get this stand up of the rock from the rundown? Well, I used to work in a movie theater. Cool. If you have 1000 in your home and people walk in and it looks like like a shitty Madame Tussaud. And it looks like it looks like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin McAllister is trying to make the wet bandits think that there's a

huge party going on. Except you glued the face of your ex-girlfriend onto all of them. Onto all of them. Onto rock's beautiful body. There's definitely a problem there if you have a thousand. So somewhere between a one and a thousand, there's a number, I think it's two. I think it might be two. If you have two, you may as well have a thousand. But if you have one, aren't you afraid of it looking like you're just a big, like you got to be really picky about that one or else it looks like you're like a huge fan of fill-in-the-blank shitty movie. You know what I mean? Where it's like, oh, you took home a stand up from Journey to the Center of the Earth to the fantastical island or whatever it's called. It's like, oh, did you

like that movie? And it's like, no, it was just funny because it was just there. I do like Brendan Frazier. He's not in that movie, sadly. The rock, Dwayne Johnson, replaces Brendan Frazier, bringing that Dwayne Johnson heat. Man, the rock really stepped in for Brendan Frazier in quite a few films, huh? Now that I think about it, between Journey 2 and The Scorpion King. Well, for a while, Brendan Frazier was his stunt double, and then they switched. They look so similar. They both clap and laugh, like children sing a rainbow for the first time. I would argue that if you had a thousand, it's almost okay if you do it like, this is my, like this, you know, some people have like matchbooks from places they've been. Some people

have shot glasses. I collect weird cardboard stand-ups. My family. Let's just call it what it is, my family. This is my cardboard family. I remember at the movie theater that I worked at and Travis worked at for a while, our manager who took no guff. I will say that about her. If you had any guff, she would not receive it. She would not sign for it. She would not allow it. She wouldn't let people take those standees home because there were so many people working there. Everyone wanted that Journey 2 standee, so she would just destroy them. And it was very, it was very, very, it was a very wisdom of Solomon decision. Like nobody can have the rock. You must destroy the rock. And it's like, I don't want to destroy the rock. And then she'd be like, then you get to keep

them. She wouldn't say that you stare her in the eye the entire time that she was burning them to the ground. Sometimes if you go to the movies late, you see people leaving with a giant bag of popcorn. That was my jam. I lived around the corner in the West Virginia building. I lived around the corner from the movie theater I worked at. And I would take home a giant garbage bag. Let's call it what it is because it was a garbage bag that we had filled with all the popcorn. I feel like I talked about this on the show before. It's very contextual, isn't it? Like if you take that bag, does it choose your adventure? If you take that bag to the trash, it was a trash bag the whole time. You were throwing away all popcorn. If you take that to your apartment, you're suddenly

a popcorn Santa Claus. Right. And I very much was. Yeah. It was a conveyance. It was not a trash bag. We would find fun ways to elevate the flavor of our garbage corn, like splooching out an entire bottle of Nutella in there, shaking it all up. And all of a sudden you've got a fun cocoa mess. Oh, by the way, we were also a super duper, super duper duper triple mega super duper high. It's also great because it doubles as a snack bag and also a bean bag. A bean bag. You eat your chocolate mess out from under between your legs. And it's not an issue. You're on the ground. You ate too much. Why are you so high? Holy shit. You're failing college. You lost two scholarships Griffin. Pass Griffin. Two of them. You don't need either of those scholarships, huh? Okay.

Enjoy yourself. When you worked at Blockbuster, you would get to like take home posters, right? I mean, I wouldn't. Among other things. Yeah. At all. How many how many posters would you say it's okay? Because I think they take a bless room. You could hypothetically put them on walls. Like is our posters a better alternative to cardboard stand-ups? I mean, spatially speaking, in the spatial like material. Yeah. That's like in the third dimension. That's like how space works. Yeah. I think that they're there. But then it's like that whole thing. No one's ever, the problem posters is no one's ever actually hung up a poster. Every poster in the world is just rolled up with a rubber band around it, leaning against a wall. With a post it says to-do.

To-do. To hang this up. And you look at it every day for years, in my case, for some posters. I'm gonna put out that asbestos. Someday. Someday. Do you guys want a yahoo? Of course. This yahoo was sent in by Andrea Ortu. Thank you. Ooh. No, it's just one in- it's O-R-T-U. It's the last name. I realized saying that out and out loud phonetically. One or two Andreyas sent this in. Thank you, Andrea. It's the suspended user. They don't exist anymore. They died. Oh no. This dead person asked, should they include animals in the Academy Awards? Why aren't they nominating dogs, cats, birds, or horses actors that have been in movies? I think they should add animals in the Academy Award. I know some that act better than some of these

so-called human actors. So wait, by so-called human actors, what is this? Is this shitty quotation marks there going? Is this Sark mark going on actors or human? Human. This supposedly human Bradley Cooper. Mm-hmm. Ugh. Celerian. Can I tell you, Griffin? Yep. I kind of see where they're coming from. Yeah, for sure. Okay. I wasn't sure where we were all gonna land on that. No, I think- I think absolutely. The best performance I saw in 1993 wasn't Shawshank. Wasn't Shawshank. I'm sorry. There are a lot of good performances in there. Nothing quite as great as Dunstan. Well, I'm sorry. We give them to animated and they're not even real. And they're not even real. Yeah. And a lot of those animated feature films feature

exclusively animals. Yeah. Like the cat story. The Chihuahua from Beverly Hills Chihuahua died to bring you that movie. Except the Chihuahuas. They sneak that in in the closing credits very quickly where it's like, oh, like three or four Chihuahuas died making this. Sorry. George Lopez has to strangle a Chihuahua just to get it going in the morning. Really looking forward to getting that Oscar to make it all worth it. Right. What's that? Oh. The In Memoriam section. If they allowed animals in the In Memoriam section of the Oscars any year that a Beverly Hills Chihuahua movie came out would be extremely, extremely long. It would be Mr. Snuggleworth died of course at the hands of George Lopez. This year's really Chihuahua heavy again. Yeah. Well, we got- After a while,

they don't even give them names. No. It's just like CH173-4. This Chihuahua is bred specifically to be killed. Go to White George White. Until the Chihuahua like Messiah appears and he's finally able to stop George Lopez. George Lopez, let my people go. Because you're choking them to death. George, G. Lowe, stop it. I'm just saying. I remember, I think it was, yeah, in Cincinnati, the local theater awards started giving out awards for best animal performance in a year. And it was a hotly contested category. I'm saying there was a lot of heat being brought to it. My boy, Mignon, at Cincinnati Shakespeare Company took it and he deserved it. And I don't care what the haters say. What type of animal is that? He was a little poodle and he was adorable. Okay.

He was a solid actor with really great comic timing. Let's talk about the issues though that are going to pop up from Animal Academy Awards. Any year with a Dunstan in it or a monkey trouble or any which way but loose, I think a monkey is going to just like fucking run the table. A monkey is the biopic of animals where it's like, oh, it's going to be so much easier to vote for that because that's a real person. Just like it's so much easier to vote for a monkey because. I'm saying, right. They make a heart-rending biopic of Leica, right? And it's incredible. It's really good. Bimbidic Cumberbatch would probably be up in that one too. But then they make Dunstan checks in again. And I think Dunstan continues to check in.

Right. I'm saying anytime there's a monkey in the mess. Dunstan has a credit card trouble and has to check in again. Right. It's going to be airbud 19. Okay. It would have been a serious contender if it hadn't been for Dunstan won't stop checking into the goddamn hotel. Please ask Dunstan to stop checking in. Starring a bedraggled Jason Alexander. He's honestly just glad for the work. Right. Now what if you do? He wants something he can put on his CV where he says he was in an Oscar award-winning film. Thanks Dunstan. Now what if you did like an all puppy godfather? Is that too pandering? It would be great except the, you know,

the lawyer or whatever is going to be played by a monkey, of course, and he's going to like steal the spotlight. I'm saying it's going to be unfair. We would almost need a best monkey acting category and then best all other animals. I will say if there could be a scene of a monkey lawyer giving advice to a puppy mobster, they might as well just have all the Oscars. Yeah. Yeah. Just take them all. Have all the Oscars. He's George Clooney's Lifetime Achievement Award, whatever. Sandwich between two monkey awards. Yeah. That's an Oscar sandwich. Do you guys want a yahoo? Yes. This yahoo was sent in by Ira Ray. Are you Ira Ray? Who wants to know? Thank you Ira Ray. It's by Yahoo Answers user. They were suspended to Jesus Christ. There was

a great culling of the Yahoo Answers user base. Is Nickelodeon named after Nick Cannon settling a bet here? That's a cool bet. Just a question to settle a bet between an idiot and an intelligent person. Before I collect my cash, I just wanted to post this question so the loser realizes how idiotic he looks. Thanks. And first round's on me. Update. Easiest money ever made. So I guess they're saying they were on the non Nick Cannon creationist belief set. Now, hold on. I think we've all been in a position where we've drank a little bit too much. We said a thing and then someone called us on it and we just, instead of going, oh yeah, you're right. I'm an idiot. We just like dug our teeth in and we're like, no, you know what? This is the battleground I choose

for the evening. So I think this is actually going to make this question and the discussion around a lot more interesting is not a lot of people know this. Nick Cannon is not his actual name because that's like a crazy name. His real actual Christian name is Nick Cannon Lodeon. I'm not even sure that's true. I'm looking as IMDB page right now and it's Nick Cannon Lodeon. And when him and Mariah carry together, it was Mariah Carey Cannon Lodeon. So Nickelodeon was founded what in like 1983? Did you just look that up? No. I would say maybe late 80s. Okay, that's incorrect. Can I say you guys, if before you guys said 83, I would have guessed so much earlier. Just not thinking about it. Just thinking like TV stations have been around for a

while. Uh, I don't know, 71, 62. You could have told me any of these and I would have believed it. Okay. Uh, 79? Jesus Christ, really? As Nickelodeon and originally the network was called Pinwheel and it launched in 77. And then Nick Cannon Lodeon came around and they were like, Hey, that's a cool name. Let's call our station Nick Cannon Lodeon. And somebody was like, you know what that sounds like? It doesn't sound like anything. It's a crazy, it's a crazy, crazy name. Uh, is it possible that they foresaw the coming, the coming of the Once and Future King, Nick Cannon Lodeon? There will be born unto us. There will be much wild and out.

What would you do when Nick Cannon Lodeon comes? I have glanced into the obsidian sphere and a vision has come to me of so much wild and the anti Nick Cannon Lodeon will say, you can't do that on television. You must not wild. Wilding is prohibited. Sorry, Wilden. And we will welcome all the wild crazy kids to our bosom. Holy shit. It goes so deep. Together, brothers and sisters, climb that radical rock. Guided by the Cannon Lodeon and his brilliance. Wait at the pearly gates as Moe checks the leaderboard. I can't. Do not believe in false Moes. I never even considered wild and crazy kids as the goddamn natural predecessor to wild in and out. The kids are grown up. And now we turn to the chapter of Clarissa so that she might explain it all.

Clarissa was a prophet. Yeah. And I will send her before me and her friend Sam with his latter. Cast out the Ferguson's from our flock. You shall, you shall know them from their crimson mane and many freckles. Take the most precious of your flock and make a sacrifice of them at the shrine of the silver monkey. Oh, man. Oh, Jesus. Nope. Not him. Sorry, wrong guy. Nick Cannon Lodeon. There is no Jesus. There's only the tomorrow people. Well, that's enough. It probably Mike O'Malley, right? Who would be the head of the Nick Cannon Lodeon? So Nick Cannon Lodeon. Nick Cannon Lodeon would be the deity, right? Well, Mark Summers, I think probably lost his way a little bit. Oh, I think

he's probably been excommunicated. And that's why he's now now he lives on the food network, trying to raise basically what is a cult. I was once in a pub for a meetup and I ordered a cheeseburger. The server brought me a salmon burger instead and I just ate it instead of protesting as I felt too awkward. In the moment, I actually thought I might have just forgot what I ordered. About 20 minutes later, I see the same server walking around the room with a cheeseburger looking confused. Later that evening, they must have figured out the screw up and approached me demanding that I pay for both meals. I ordered one meal and I ate one meal, so I refused to pay for both and was told to leave. What the fuck? Was I in the right or at least less in the wrong

than the pub? And do you think it is safe to go back now? That's from Gmail. I would never go back again. It sounds like a terrible place. That sounds like a thing. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. Come on down to Toby's double burger. We're going to fuck up, but you've got to pay for both, because that's how we do. Now, okay, before we get too into it, I will say to not to put you completely in the right. You probably should have said something when your burger came from not only a different animal, but a completely different like that of that of the confrontation is pathological enough that they probably suspected something nefarious. It's great. In addition to that, wait a minute. So he just did it. He just ate it. That doesn't make any sense.

You didn't say anything. He literally, you literally ate the opposite meat. It's the opposite meat. Here's the spectrum of meat and beef is on one end and salmon's on the other. There's no, how goddamn delicious must that salmon burger have been that it completely removed you from your senses? Also a question to ask her in the future, don't convince yourself that maybe this is what I ordered. That's very sad to me. The scam they're running, that's a psychic scam. They're running on themselves. They took one bite of that. The first thought was this isn't what I ordered, and then it was so succulent and delicious. They thought, well, I'm salmon. Maybe I did the beef of the sea. I must have ordered it. Knowing me, I always picked the best thing at a restaurant.

I'm sure I've ordered this. Okay. Now to jump back to the restaurant being the worst, the sheer balls of the restaurant to say like, Hey, we brought you the wrong thing, but fuck you. But you shouldn't. Okay. I gotta say, my position's changing a little bit because you should not have eaten that burger, sir. Yeah, but he didn't walk up to the counter and grab it and say, this is probably mine. It was handed to him, but okay, but to Griffith's point, he got the wrong thing, ate it and then all of it carry his trash around the restaurant and didn't even give her a flag down. I think, I think that maybe as a result of his carelessness, they did waste a meal. Okay, let's put it a different way. Tobi's double burger is not

made of burgers. They serve them, but the building itself needs money and concrete. But to put it in a different context, right? Say he orders a cheeseburger, right? They bring out a burger, no cheese. Hey Travis, that is the biggest false equivalent. We've had some doozers in the false equivalence category on this show. That's the biggest one. Yeah, it's like a cheeseburger, but without cheese or meat and also fish is in it. No, I'm just saying that like the idea of like, where does it end? Because they bring out that burger and then they bring out another burger and it's like, oh, that one was supposed to be mine, but they brought me this one. They're not going to ask for your money in that way. Is it just because it was the

complete wrong protein? That it's like, oh, you fucked up so bad. If these motherfuckers brought him a basket of boneless chicken wings instead of his burger and he eats all the chicken wings and said oops, didn't even realize it's a whole different food kingdom, but those are free now because they're in me. That's kind of busted, I think. That's all you had to say is what chicken wings? It's a perfect crime. Prove it. Well, you're a sloppy boy. It's all over your face. You got burn mouth. What face? Um, yep, sorry. Sorry guys, I'm about as consumer friendly as a fellow Gitz. I'm a pretty big consumer advocate. Don't eat the whole goddamn wrong burger because that was somebody else's burger. You did Sievery is what you did. Yeah, it should have been at most

one bite where you were like, um, pardon, or no bites because nobody's going to eat. They're going to throw that burger away if you take a bite out of it. That's straight up what it is. You can't take that off your table and give it to somebody else. That's, that's no, that's how trash people live. The real villain in this situation is whoever you are with salmon, salmon, but it's whoever you are with because it's their job to say, um, excuse me, my friend ordered a cheeseburger because they have to know that you were like so averse to confrontation that you would eat wrong food. Like it's like, Hey, I need you to say something because I cannot. Oh my god, wait, wait, did this person just follow our advice from like, it was either last episode or a couple

episodes ago where we said if they bring you the wrong food, you should just eat it because you want to avoid the discomfort. Wait a minute, going back on something we said because it was wrong, that doesn't sound like us. I didn't even consider the possibility that maybe it's somebody else's food and you just stole it from them. I want to double triple double back on this again and say that I've switched culpability in my mind from this person to the restaurant for offering something called a salmon burger. No, it's not. It's salmon on bread. Fuck you. A burger has beef and maybe ground turkey. I would hit you up there. A salmon burger is not a thing. That's like a wish broom. It doesn't make any sense. What? It's like a wish broom. Okay, for what? Those two things don't go

together. For sleeping out the old wishes. It's a dog tank. It's a tank that your dog lives in. These are banana glasses. Glasses for a banana. Why would you even give a banana glass? That doesn't make any sense. That's about as stupid as a salmon burger. Yeah. Makes me mad. Anyway, let's get the money done. This week sponsored by salmon burgers. Have you always wanted to build an iPhone app? Yes. Is your idea the next Instagram or Snapchat? I'd like to think so. Yes. Do you want to learn Swift by Apple? Yes. One month iOS is an easy way to learn iOS development using Swift. Now, let's say that maybe a listener doesn't know what any of that means and you are going to explain to them. Not you. No, definitely not me. I'm a well

versed adult who definitely knows what Swift is. Yes, Swift is how you make apps. Okay. And one month is a, it's a new way of learning actual practical computer skills like programming in Swift. They also have one month HTML, one month rails, one month growth hacking. Now, surely this is going to take like just like a year, right? Like you go to college to learn a thing. Are you fucking with me? What's wrong? It's literally called one month. I thought that was a clever name. 30 days, 30 minutes per day, sometimes less. And you could just become fluid in an actual life skill. I did the one month HTML class and it was great. I made a great website. It's at JustinMcRoy.net. You can just Google. Justin made Google Junior for kids.

They don't sell hover chairs like I'm sitting into just anybody except on the founder of Google. Except if you are the founder of Teen Google, you can sit in whatever kind of chair you want. Hey, Teen's good news. There's finally a Google for you. It's all boobs. Not Justin. Travis. It would be, it would just be page after page of explaining how to smoke. Not Justin. Say I'm interested in joining, but I'm a little hesitant about paying full price the first time out. Is there anything you can do for me? Yes, Travis. If you use our special coupon code, which is my brother. Not so much a coupon code. It's not coupon code so much as I was trying to see if TeenGoogle.com is available. Go to onemonth.com. Slash my brother. Onemonth.com. Slash my brother. And you're going

to get 25% off for getting up in it. It's a one-time discount. You can get it onemonth.com. Slash my brother. That's a, please just go get on my skin. It's a great website, great service Justin. I do need to know if Teen Google is taken and if you're going to buy it and if it's going to read it. If it's a weird porn site. Excuse me, time out. I just bought Teen Google. That's the best one yet. That's the best in my life. We're going to be rich. I can't believe this. Oh man. We are going to make that redirect to the Mubumbama website for a long time until Google buys it from you for $55 million. We'll be rich. Oh my God, so worth it. How much was it? Cancel the show. I can't even deal with the show anymore. No, we're the owners of Teen

Google who are rich. How's the owner of Teen Google supposed to worry about making a comedy podcast? We have another sponsor this week and maybe you'll recognize the name and maybe you'll respect the game of Naturebox. Naturebox.com where you can get delicious and healthy snack options. They have over 100 nutritionist approved snacks. They've got something for everyone all with zero artificial flavors, colors, sweeteners, zero grams, charant, trans fats, and no high fructose corn syrup. Here's the thing. Sometimes you eat healthy snacks and you're like, oh, it's healthy. I'm going to power my way through it, I guess, because it's better than nothing. Nah, dude. Nah. Nah, dude. You listen to a Teen Google version of Bam Bam. Extreme Teen Google.

Just a quick. Have you tried Teen Google? Well, it's time for Extreme Teen Google. I feel like in another browser window, I'm winning the lot like I'm in the process of I can't even focus on this show right now. I'm the owner of Teen Google. It plays for teens doing jokes about ghosts and boaters and shit when I'm the web domain raster of Teen Google. I can't do anything with that URL. That's why we're looking music and you are all here for it. Do we need to pause the podcast so you can call Sydney and like tell her about the amazing reversal of fortune you've experienced? It's like sobbing. Like you'll never guess. It's all happened. You'll never guess. In six months, we're going to be in a protracted

legal battle with Google. It's all we have a dream. It's everything we ever wanted. Oh, God. Teen Google. Oh, Christ. Okay, so it's time for you to try NatureBox for free. For free. Maybe you don't own Teen Google. Maybe you can't afford a free box of snacks. We get it. Not everyone's the owner of Teen Google. Just go to naturebox.com slash my brother. And even non-teen Google owners like you can try free snacks. Normies is what we call them. Just go to naturebox.com slash my brother. Now peasant. Brothers, please go to teamgoogle.com. Christ, it looks good. Yeah, and there it is. It looks good in the search bar. That's a good

looking earl. It looks exactly like what it is. What I need to do is I need to turn on masking. I need stealth redirection. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, what's the list so far? We got my smooth face, Teen Google, of course. I feel like you bought one very recently. Let me see what I have. It's bad that you, I think you have a compulsion because you own too many holes. I have booboomnanny.com. Booboomnanny.com. These all, these largely go to my brother, my brother, me. Booboomnanny.com, fartpatrol.com, griffinspacejam.com is a different website that we also own, but griffinspacejam.com. MySmoothFace.com, and now welcome to the family of Teen Google. To my brother, my brother, and me, family of products. If anybody ever says the words

mbmbam.com to me again, I will spit in their face. It's not a web. That website does not even exist anymore. We have a sponsor right here, and it is Talking to Ghosts, which is a podcast done by Wesley Mueller and Michael Kurt, which is, quote, the manifestation of their fascination with the dark arts, which makes you sound like a podcast for necromancers exclusively, but really it gets into the creative minds of artists, musicians, and other dark souls. My favorite gaming franchise to see how they work and share fun stories about the oddities of life. That's a podcast that comes out on Mondays. You can find it on iTunes. If you go to TalkingToGhosts.com slash mbmbam, you will find a landing page specifically tailored for mbmbam fans, and it includes a lovely graphic of a horse

flying around in space. You can also just type TalkingToGhost.com into Teen Google, and it'll take you there. It'll take you there. It'll be a more rad, more extreme version of Talking to Ghosts. So yeah, go check out their podcasts. Go to their website. They have a bi-weekly feature in which the hosts of the show talk about sweet music that they like listening to. So yeah, it covers all your bases if you like music, if you like art, if you like podcasts, or if you like the Dark Souls video games. It's got everything. It's got just about everything. Got a message for Lindsey and Tom from Jace. Says, hey you two, this may or may not reach you before your ceremony, but I miss you guys, and I miss Luigi and his horrible dogtoots. I wish I could be there. Lindsey's little brother.

I wish I could be there for your second special day, but since I can't drive safe and don't forget to berg it up, all my love from the frozen north, Jace, like I just have to say ceremony is a very nonspecific, a very nonspecific thing to congratulate a person on. Which I could be there before your sacrificial murder of Lindsey, but. At the shrine of the silver monkey. Congratulations, Lindsey and Tom for becoming fucking pagan elders or something. Whatever it is, I'm sure you worked hard to accomplish it, and Jace certainly recognizes that effort, and just a great job all around. Just make sure you wear the appropriate garb or whatever this. Cargo shorts, khaki cargo shorts. Under a robe. And make sure you got those.

T-shirt that says something funny that you ripped the robe open at the end. You're like, I'm out, teach. Make sure you get a picture of Spud McKenzie. Make sure you have at least two medallions of power or else his goddamn temple guards are gonna fuck you right up. And don't forget to validate your parking. Yeah, it's super important. Do you think it's okay to finish someone else's food? Do you have a fight with your friend over whether or not he should wear his fillies garb to a Colorado Rockies game? Does your wife want to keep a chamber pot in her art studio? If so, please do not write into Judge John Hodgman. I heard all those cases already. Judge John Hodgman is the show where I, John Hodgman,

adjudicate disputes between real people calling in over the internet, and I tell them who is right and who is wrong over such important issues as is a machine gun a robot, and is it okay to go through the garbage at the Canadian House of Pizza and Garbage? Bail of Jesse Thorne rounds out the cast for a fun-filled podcast of judgment and justice. Kind of two of the same thing, actually. Judge John Hodgman, take a listen. If you do not mind, I order it. Come visit the courtroom. It is open to all and located at MaximumFun.org. Farm wisdom, farm wisdom. Put your scarecrow in a barrel, farm wisdom. Just scare away the barrel crows. Yeah, yeah. For sure. Do you want me to read the farm wisdom?

Yes, please. Okay. Because the last one I did like hurt me. No, this one will make you feel good about life. Okay. Farm wisdom. Donkeys definitely hate dogs, but thoroughbreds, racehorses, love goats. Another false equivalency here on my brother and my brother. It is common practice to pair a goat with a skittish racehorse. It calms them down, and they usually form lifelong friendships, and that's from Jesse. Hey, here's the thing you're going to have. Hey, hey, Jesse Disney. How is this not every Disney movie ever made? Well, how is, how is this not every anime, like Milo and Otis? I should not, I should say those two words, and I should not have a cat and a, a pug

in my brain. It should definitely, definitely be a goat in a skittish racehorse. Well, goats are hard to market. Name me one film that prominently features a goat as the star of it. Is that a, that Adam Sandler record had a pretty great bit where this funny goat, remember what these superimposed, they had the funny goat bit from Adam Sandler's, what the hell happened to me, Comedy CD, an album. An LP. Classic Disney movie. No, no, it's not Disney movie. Yeah, goats just aren't very sexy guys, sorry. They're like little horned horses with beards.

I guess that's probably what makes the horse chill out is like just by comparison, by comparing themselves to this little mutant. Okay. Let me pitch this to you. You ready? Yeah. Close your eyes. No, I need to look. It's the day of the big race. Okay. Oh, there's the shot. The horses go. Okay. But our hero horse, he's, he's losing. He's way behind. Yeah. It's like he's getting really downhearted, right? But then he looks over and there at the fence is his goat buddy who just nods to him and starts running along beside him. And then they start picking up speed and then the horse goes and he wins. And then he's getting like his ring of like flowers and he's like, I couldn't have done it without my goat buddy. But goat buddy

died like two weeks earlier and he was watching a ghost. A goat. A goat. That's bad. That's not good. Well, I mean, we'd have to punch it up with some dialogue and maybe like Jeff Bridges. Yeah. Can we get that? Who's the guy who played goat man on outside of that life? James Brewer. Was it James Brewer or Jay Brewer? I believe it was Sir James Brewer. Night of the Realm, James Brewer. Do you think we could get him on the horn? He's pretty busy defending England, but we could probably get him for the project. He was probably the best night in Half Baked. Uh-huh. If you think about it. He was probably the best night in Half Baked. Were there multiple? Uh, other than Sir James Brewer, Defender of the Realm? Probably not.

How many do you need in Half Baked, Griffin? Jesus. Yeah. How many nights do you think they needed to make Half Baked? And then the call went out across the land. Night's return. Defend your mother country. Do you guys want a yahoo? Yes. You know it. This yahoo was sent in by, oh, oops. Game recognized game, Rachel Sperling. Thank you, Rachel Sperling. Almost forgot to recognize the game. Take a moment. Yeah, I almost breezed right by it. That would have been a crime. It's about yahoo answers user Brooklyn who asks what to do with old best friend necklaces. So I'm 15 now and my ex-best friend and I haven't been talking for about a year and a half now, I guess. I was going through some stuff and found all these old BFF necklaces. I want to get rid

of them. We cannot be best friends again, so I will not wear them again. That's not even an option. It just kind of seems like a waste to get rid of them. Surely I can use at least the chains for something. Any ideas? Should I just throw them away? In this economy? Cash for gold. Probably not gold. These are probably $14 necklaces they got at Spencer's Gifts. So you're saying like the purest silver? No, probably like the purest tin. Okay. Maybe you could try selling them at TeenGoogle.com. Is there a shopping page? Is there a shopping hub? There's definitely a place that says shopping. If you click on it, it's just a picture of a guy in a hard hat like, oh boss, come back later. I think they're going to have some really nice shopping options. Justin's

got a fleet of developers quickly coding using their one month by Swift skills. To make a lot of shopping options. Just shop at TeenGoogle.com. Can you sell them to lonely people who then when they put it on contractually will become best friends with the other person? Oh, it's like a best friend transfer. Yeah, exactly. I actually have on the back of my driver's license that when I die, I want to be a best friend donor. Yeah, all of your best friend necklaces will be taken and distributed. That is no light promise that I have at this point in my 31 years. I have 163 best friend necklaces. I wear all of them. Holy shit. How did you accrue so many biffs? Well, Griffin, I listen. I listen and I care. That's categorically untrue. I listen, I care, I don't

talk over people. No, no, no. I remember the caring thing. I'll give you a caring. I'll see it caring to you. I give the best backers. Could you give your necklaces to a bunch of strangers and then ask your friend to give her necklaces to a bunch of lonely strangers? Match.com. And then match.com, lofi, match.com, the hunt is on. You got to find your match. Oh my God. And it's like it's the fucking missing piece. Somebody walks up, sees somebody with half a heart on their chest, like let's put them together. Bet Frids. No, not quite. But I don't, I don't want to be. How many necklaces this person had? They say they had? It just says all those. So more than one. That's like, that's got to be a weird dynamic, right? Guess what I got? Yeah, I know. I know what you got,

darling. Let me guess. Is it a best friend? It's a best friend necklace. All right, darling. You got to be careful. Maybe that's why they stopped being best friends. Yeah, you can't. I'm sick of all this necklace pressure. Quit asking me for money to pay for my half of the necklace. I think it's, I think it's kind of bullshit to just throw them away because then your ex-best friend is going to be best friends with garbage. Yeah. And maybe that's actually a statement that you want to send. Like, man, darling, darling, you seem like you've been down in the dumps today. Yeah. I just feel like I'm best friends with garbage now. Hold on. Never mind. Oh, that's a sweet necklace. What sort of special somebody has the other half of that?

Let me see. Garbage. Let me rub it. Garbage has it. Let me rub it, kiss it, hold it to my third eye. Like I said, garbage. Is there a market, is there a product we could create that's like a casual acquaintance necklace where instead of like a broken heart, it's just like a circle that splits straight down the center, no jagged edge and just says, Kaz, you all acquaintance. And you just give it to everybody. I feel like you're going to get, it's a way bigger market because more people will be like, Oh, I feel that way about a lot of people. Yeah. I'll take like 30 of them. Just say, hand them out. Hand them out with your best friend forever necklace people. They weren't looking for the upside. Yeah. Here's the business card and here's a necklace that says Kaz

It's a really great, it's a really great necklace. It's a, if you hold it to your third eye, we can speak to each other. It's basically the goddamn Palantir. So I think you're really going to like it. Oh, and my business card, did you get that? It's got my email address on it. I mostly, I don't take a lot of emails or texts or calls, mostly just Palantir, like direct third eye communication. And please don't lose that business card. Those are expensive. Those are expensive. Those don't come free. And the Palantir contains a fraction of the devil's souls. Don't lose that one either. Yeah, that's a cost for me too. How about one more question? Yeah, I got one more question. Let me just check it real quick. This question comes to us. Oh, no. Oh, no, breaking.

This just it. Hold on. Can we have farm wisdom and haunted doll watching the same? Haunted farm watch. This one costs 300 dice on a site. If you want to buy it now, a $300. If you want to buy it now, no bids as of yet on this one, realist, authentic haunted doll, Ruth, healing spirit, and then in quotes, antique collection. Well, all of them are, right? I don't imagine anybody went to the Build-A-Bear factory and got one on Tuesday and it was already haunted by Thursday. I imagine most of these are aged. Now, Joseph, I try not to poke holes in these, but it strikes me as a little bit fishy. If this is a healing spirit. Yeah, you shouldn't go holes in them because they're trapping a demon spirit,

so they probably want to keep those enclosed. If it's a healing spirit, why would you be trying to get rid of it? Yeah. Well, let me hip you to this story. This doll houses an old soul and is a special and unique offering. This doll is antique and was given to Michelle by her mother many years ago. Michelle's mother. Michelle. 14th birthday present. Michelle's mother was a gifted medium who possessed similar talents to Michelle. Who's Michelle, you may ask? I don't know. Michelle Tanner. Ruth has lived inside this doll for well over 100 years. She passed away in the early 1900s. She froze to death after becoming lost on her travels. Ruth was 17 and about to marry. It says here, so I don't know. How do you know so much? A hundred years old at least. At least. That's worth

more than $300 right there. Ruth is a very active and present spirit. That's, you know, that's so important. You got to lean in. Yeah, she gets out there. She meets people. Hey, I want to party tonight. Ruth, I can't. I'm 14. You're made of alabaster. Get me out there. I want to meet people. Ruth is very active and present spirit. She manipulates her doll very well. Her eyes have rapidly twitched and switched direction. She appears cross-eyed at times. Her mouth seems to change shape, which is alarming. Hold on. I had a Teddy Rockspin that did that. All Teddy Rockspins were haunted dolls. Ruth does move her vessel from one location to another. I have found her on the couch once upon coming downstairs and watching cops and eating pizza

blasted Cheetos. Some of the greatest, okay, I listen. I feel like these fucking posts make me feel like I'm coming into a movie with 20 minutes left. Some of the greatest orb activity I have ever seen has been a result of what is that? The orbs are bright and have traveled directly from her vessel to the hallway and back into her vessel. She has astounding control over both her energies and spirit. And her vessel. Spirits, vessels, energies, orbs. Ruth has got a going on. Party, Saturday night, club, banging. Ruth is very curious when it comes to electronic devices. These devices were not invented in her time while living. Where you got there? Oh, looks like some sort of magic book.

We've been over this every fucking time. This is a magic. On my Pizza Hut app again. No, just exploring. What is magical piece of wood? Ruth, no pizza. I'm very active and hungry. I'm reading your looks like you got some little people stuck in your magic book. It's the adventures to trailer, Ruth. I watched it yesterday with you. You were the one who told me to watch it on YouTube. Tell me, tell me, can your illuminated bible do this? That's the sound she makes when she shoots orbs into the hallway. Sucks them back. Extremely taxing. $300. I think you're getting a lot of bang for your buck with this one. With Ruth? Yeah, it sounds like she does a lot of shit. So wait, so the reason to get rid

of a spirit that could heal you is she's just too active to keep up with that lifestyle. I'm sick of all these goddamn orbs. She has caused moderate headaches and pressure-related symptoms. Pretty shitty healing doll, I would say. That's the worst healing I've ever heard. Interesting. Now, this is the, this is the, this whole paragraph is bold, guys. So it's important and true. Oh, God damn it. I just looked at that picture. Yeah, sorry. She has caused moderate headaches and pressure-related symptoms during communications and psychic work. Interestingly, she has assisted with healing. She has the ability to drain, as with many spirits, most will drain your energy. Ruth drains pain. Physical and emotional. Oh, Jesus. I can't look at the,

why did you send me this, Justin? Yeah, I don't know what this doll's healing, but it's certainly not my goddamn state of mind. Oh, God bless. Fucking, fucking haunted physician, heal thyself. Your goddamn eyes are all marbly. Got the cataracts, Ruth. So that's going to do it for us. Thank you for listening to my brother, my brother, me again. We sure appreciate it, and we hope you've had some fun. Right? Yeah, I did, until I look at that fucking picture. Yeah, and it's seared into my brain. I want to throw back real quick, thanks again to naturebox.com, where you can get your free sampler box of great tasting, wholesome snacks like barbecue kettle kernels. Go to naturebox.com slash my brother,

and we're going to get you those free fucking snacks. You should already be doing it as we speak. Yep. We have a lot. This is our 240th episode, I guess. Almost 420, isn't it? Almost 420. Almost 420. There's 239 more of these at teamgoogle.com, so go there, and while you're there, check out some other Maximum Fun shows, like Jordan Jesse Go, or The Goose Down, or One Bad Mother, or Baby Geniuses. Travis produces that. You should listen to that. Listen to whatever you want. Saw Bones? That's a show I do with my wife about medicine. Thanks. You should check out Bunker Buddies. This is a show I do with Andy, where we talk about apocalypses from a comedic bent. Or check out Adventure Zone, which I hope will be able to get up this week. Here's the situation,

Adventure Zone fans. Dad lives 45 minutes away from Justin, 30 to 45, depending on traffic. And right now, there's the goddamn ice wall from Game of Thrones in between the two of them. So if Dad can find a way to scale that, then we'll have an episode this week. If not, we may have to drop back and punt. Yeah, we'll figure it out. Something. We'll figure out something. Did you thank John Rodgers for the long winners for using the theme song? Is it a departure off the album and putting that ace to bed? No, didn't do that, but you just did, because I mentalisted you. There are still a few tickets available for the Chicago and Milwaukee shows. Not very many for that Milwaukee one last time I checked. So get on that. It's bit.ly

forward slash mbmbam Chicago and bit.ly. Bit. John L. Way. Bit.ly forward slash. I think it's mbmbam mill. Those URLs are so confusing. You can just pop those into team Google and it'll auto populate the rest. If you want to have a message on my brother, my brother and me or the adventure zone now, we also started doing jumbotrons for that. Go to maximumfund.workforward slash jumbotron. It's a great way to wish someone happy birthday or happy wedding or happy non-specific ceremony. It's terrific. Or we can pimp your product and push your podcast or talk about your website or whatever you want. We'll dance for you. Yeah. We will be your haunted dolls. You got a last question, Griffin? This final Yahoo! answer was sent in by level 9000 Yadru Shaman

Drew Davenport. She was that close. I was about to say. We almost went a whole episode. I know. Drew Davenport, thank you so much. It's by Yahoo! Answers user Tracer, who asks, What does Ja Rule think about all this? I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother, my brother and me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Team Google. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hey everyone, we're The Flop House, one of the newest additions to the Maximum Fun podcasting network. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. And I'm Elliot Kalen. What is The Flop House?

You may very well ask. We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. A bad movie podcast? Isn't that like every fifth podcast on the internet? I'd answer that by saying one, we've been doing this show for over seven years, long before the entire premise of our show was a cliche. And two, shut up. Sick bird. I'd say that our show is more of a comedy podcast. A podcast about words that sound like other words. A podcast about me singing long irritating songs like this one. A podcast about pitches for a Ziggy comic book movie or discussions about sex tarps. Yeah, I mean, mostly it's a show about three friends just hanging out and talking about ding-dongs. That's mostly used too. Wait, what? So if you like any of those

things, subscribe in iTunes today or visit Maximumfun.org to follow the show. The Flop House.