My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 241: Foghorn LeZydeco

Episode Date: March 3, 2015

Sorry for the late episode! Griffin was on a long voyage to New Orleans, from whence he has returned a new, swampier man. He is, like the rest of us, in a prison of his own creation. Suggested talking points: Voodoo Donuts, Double Door Thanks, Death on Mars, Spooky Mornings, Spacefaring Dude Juice, Pony Dissertation

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to my brother, my brother, me, and a vice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. Nah, I'm your sweet baby baby. It's Griffin, the swamp thing, McElroy. Hey, swamp thing? We're so happy you can make it on the program.

Get off that hover boat, what's your freighter? You're gonna get your feet all swampy. That's a good earth down in there. Justin, stop interrupting him. Just let him talk like that. Just join my hydration specialist, Griffin McElroy. Grab yourself a hurricane, baby. Grab yourself a... Wait, where am I going now? Where in the world is Griffin's accident? Hold on tight. This magic carpet of axes is back at New Orleans, baby. I don't know where you're gonna end up. Is it gonna be New Orleans? Or is it gonna be the Deep South? Wait, where is this house? Is Florida? Griffin's just fluctuating back and forth across the Gulf of Mexico.

I'm a mystified Floridian, and I've never seen anything like this before. Nah, and here we go back to the Zatarans. All right, Foghorn Lezydeco. Maybe you could tell us why your accent has been so impacted. Well, I just got back from New Orleans, where I had myself a lot of ratatouille. On the plane there, I watched the movie Ratatouille. I went down to New Orleans, and a mouse cooked me on my meat. I walked around for like fucking 100 miles because they haven't invented public transportation yet down in New Orleans, and I did develop myself a hemorrhoid big enough to draw a face on.

You know, a lot of times when you're in New Orleans, you will ask that a mouse prepare your food, but you really need to go back into the kitchen to make sure, because they will try to tell you that a mouse has prepared your food. A lot of times, it's a possum, you know? It's not even a mouse. What's a guy named possum? I got myself a flank steak, 16 ounces. How's a mouse even going pick up something that big? You tell me that. You can't do it. Don't be afraid to swamp water. Did they have a, did you take a traveler? Oh god, yeah. No, that's like. That's Savannah, Georgia, but. Well, no, you can do that. As long as it's an open plastic container, you can drink whatever the fuck. You can drink heroin out of it. As long as it's an open solo cup. If you

could just get any voodoo. No, I didn't. Did you eat any voodoo donuts? I ate 12 voodoo donuts, and every time I did, a bigger donut was destroyed. That's how it works. My jelly. Travis was staring at that big donut out in LA, and it just all of a sudden started evaporating. It just got completely wrecked. The big donut from the rocket. I see Griffin travel back in time and stop the donut's parents from meeting. With the time traveling voodoo donut, what are we doing? Uh, I don't know. This sounds like we're reciting the lyrics of a cherry palm daddy's record. Time traveling voodoo donuts. Come on out with the flank steak made by a mouse. Okay. That's where Brian sets her territory. You know what, Kmart, this is worth the 3.99

paid from the CD. I'm glad I made this version. This is a worthy follow up. No, I had a terrific time in Nolans. I was just, I was kidding about going near swamp water. Not so much about that hemorrhoid. Um, so if you haven't listed our podcast before, what we do is we take your questions, we mix them up with a little Cajun spice, and then we turn them into wisdom. Got that, got that Creole comedy. Creole comedy right here on my brother, my brother, me. Let's get into it. Every time I hold open two doors in a row, like walking out of a shopping mall, I'm not sure if I should expect the person to thank me twice or if the initial thank you for the first door is

implied for the second door. Vice versa. If someone holds up in two doors for me, should I say thank you both times or just the one for everything? That's from the curious, courteous canuck in Canada. I'm confused by the question because Me too. I always understood it to be whoever holds the first door, door, walks through the second door while you hold it. All right. So a World War II veteran, a 102 year old world World War II veteran, you say, Hey, Frank, what the fuck? I thought we had each other there. Otherwise, Griffin, what you're looking at is I open first door, right? Person walks through, then they wait for me to then get to the second door. Yeah. It's like a weird-

If they have to wait, if they have to wait, you fucked up. You got a juke around them. What is this weird Cinderella's Footman like idea? What an open process. Excuse me. Let's me get the second door for you. I'm saying that's what's expected of you when you run into a 100, a surviving member of the greatest generation. If you juke around them. One of Nick Fury's howling commandos. But if they don't thank you again, fuck them forever. I don't care if you were on the beach. Well, it's hard for them to thank you because they're constantly howling. Well, I don't think that was a thing. I think it's weird to hold open both door. I think

that the person would probably be so distracted by your desperate need to touch doors. That they wouldn't think to say thank you twice. They would be too busy thinking, what are they doing? So it's a thank you and then what the fuck? What are you doing? At what point is holding the door open just become such standard courtesy that it's just like, oh no, you can only go negative if you don't do it. The courtesy is to hold open the door. To me now, if I'm walking through a door and someone's right behind me and I don't hold it, I'm like, oh, I'm a jerk. And when I do hold that, I'm like, oh, I'm just a human being. Like I'm just a normal person who didn't close a door in someone's face. It's not courtesy.

It's just like basic human nature. So I don't think I should. I don't need to be thanked for that. You not hating me is thanks enough. My periphery's all fucked up. I basically don't have it. I'm basically a horse with those cool horse glasses on. And I never know when a human being's behind me, which would make me very vulnerable and say like a ninja scenario or just a sneaky murderer. I would just have no idea. There could be one behind me right now. Hold on. There's not. No, not. So I almost never hold the door open in the style that Travis has just described where it's just like you walk through it and maybe you give it like an extra

second or two of leverage. I fucked that up a lot, which my wife can attest to, because she has seen me fuck that up a lot with her perfect periphery. It is often a very funny moment to me, though, where like I see someone go through a door in front of me. They let go of the door, then see that I'm there and you watch their hand like kind of as they're like, should I grab it? No, it's too late now. Just gotta keep going. Oh, we could do a whole episode about door holding because what's the etiquette of when you hold it and then the person who's coming actually slows way down or maybe they're just much slower. There is no war. There is no worse lock of the gaze than I'm opening this door for

you and you are too far away and we both know it and I don't know where we go from here. If you speed up, I feel bad. If you slow down, then you're going to feel awkward about it. It's a nightmare. The only thing worse than that is the church letting out where you hold open the door for one person and pretty soon like 30 people are walking through and you're stuck in that like, oh, when do I let go? At some point you have to just let it go and walk. I would actually agree with you Travis. That is the only worst thing. I met in a door contact. Do you guys want a yahoo? Sure. This yahoo was sent in. Wait, I have a question that I meant to ask. Oops. How do they do it in Japan, Griffin? How would I hold a door open the Japanese style?

Well, I'm glad that you've asked this, Justin. All of the doors in Japan are hard light holograms. Do you guys want a yahoo or not? Fucking tell me now. I am going to get the Japanese style going We'll get some fucking hard light hologram doors and stop fucking tipping. This yahoo was sent in by Drew Davenport, level billion, Drew Shaman. He is a shaman of the Dru arts. Thank you. Druid. What the fuck? How have we been fucking this up this long? Yeah. Okay, thank you. Druids by yahoo answers user justme who asks, Okay, they land on Mars. Then what? Like, what are they going to do? Good question. It's a really big mess isn't it, Goof? That is going to cross somebody's mind when

they turn down light. I never thought we'd get this far. We didn't really plan actually land. Look guys, I found a rock. Yeah, me too. Fuck. Did you guys bring any bags or anything to put the rocks in? Yeah, I mean, they're not coming back. Like, this is this mission. What is it? Like a hundred people like get there and they're like fucking. All right, we're here. We're the first people to die on Mars. We're gonna have a Martian baby. Fuck. It's super fucked up. Let's okay. There's nothing funnier to me. Like, obviously, I think like, I don't know. I'm sort of mixed of two minds about the whole like going to like live on Mars. Like, that's your life. If you want to spend it that way, you know, it's like you're going to be alone.

There's gonna be other people there. That's fine. It's not actually going to happen, by the way, but like, I think that's that's fine. What I like is the the decision that they definitely aren't going to be able to figure out a way back. Like, it is not even on the list of like. That would probably be day two. Day one. We did some experiments on some rocks. Day two. Should we like try and build another ship? Because they just fucking launched House of Cards season three. And I would very much like to see that before I die in 60 years. All I know is that for me, like every time I pack to like go to San Francisco, you know, three hours away, I'm like, Oh, what am I forgetting? And Teresa always reminds me, don't worry. Like they have toothbrushes there. You

know, they have socks there. Not so much with Mars. What have you learned? Oh, I didn't bring socks. Socks. I forgot socks. Can anyone get on the Wi-Fi? Yeah. Oh, no, you can't because we're isn't any we fucked up because we're on the fourth rock from the sun. How say you're going to Mars, huh? Yeah. How do you think? How do you think the effort to make another ship there is gonna go? Well, bad. Well, I don't make biscuits from scratch. So probably not build the rocket ship. Do they have they don't have water per se? And I've heard that's important vis-à-vis living. I thought we would just go to Mars, NASA doesn't they don't have it here. Can I? Hey, guys, I'm going to Mars tomorrow for the rest of my life. Can anyone recommend

any good iPad games I can download for the trip that lasts for the rest of my life? I've heard this Monument Valley game is good. Will it last me for the rest of my life? Well, I also might need a battery backup. What what the phrase the rest of your life means is vastly different when you're headed to a planet that does not have water on it. Because that that raises a lot more question marks about exactly how long of a span we're talking about. Because if it did, fucking Interstellar would have been a much shorter film and much better film, I would say. 20 minutes. We need to find life on another planet. Although there's Mars, I guess we can just like fucking cab over there. Can we share an Uber? Okay, here we are.

They also have decided that like, it's also a sort of negative saying like, yeah, we're going to go die on Mars. It's kind of a weird like point of view on how you think humanity's space travel development is going to go. Hey, do you think in your lifetime, humanity will have a rocket that can get both to Mars and back? Like that doesn't see that crazy when you think about it. Like, all you need is a ship that can make the return journey. Like Justin, how many people do you think sitting and go, I'm going to go die on Mars? Like that's what you're doing. That's what they're doing. That's what they're all doing Travis. Like that is the that is the deal. None of them have like are even thinking about a return trip. Like that this is what they're doing. Do you think

they just finished Breaking Bad? And we're like, well, that's it. That's as good as it gets. So get any better than that. These people are heroes in the ship and they see a billboard as they're flying out for better call. So I would love that character. I love my kids or whatever. Send me back. I think you can own. I'm these people are science heroes and we're goofing on them and we shouldn't be because they're fucking science heroes. And I'm fucking I am picking up what they are putting down in a major way. But what are y'all going to do up there for real though? Give me a team of like 85 year olds and shoot them up there fucking space cowboys too. Let's go die together on Mars. I'm fine with that because you can you can squeeze fucking 15 years out of Euker. You can

squeeze 15 years out of the game hearts. Bring a super hard puzzle or just bring up a billion piece puzzle and you're cool. You're probably even going to have a better time up there than you would in Florida. But like fucking man, what are you here's my patient of the movie like 185 year olds and one like totally tubular 15 year old and his skateboard because the lesson gravity is going to make for some six is sick tricks while all the 85 year olds are like stop skateboarding on Mars. And I want to watch that cut to cut to cut to the mom just shouting we forgot Kevin on the spaceship to Mars. He's going to Mars planet alone home blown fire. He's going to do sick kickflips but also die on Mars. Next question. I love watching ex files but sometimes it's just

a little too freaky watching at night by myself. No one will watch it with me and I have a vividly active imagination. How do I cure my heebie jeebies so I can watch my show without having night terrors. That's from in Oklahoma. I hope I said that right. I get it. I like I am with you. I like spooky stuff but I have to keep it in the daytime hours. Rachel and I have actually stopped watching walking dead while we should probably just stop watching walking dead period. But we have stopped making it the last thing we watch before we go to bedtime not just because it's like scary or whatever because it isn't. But it is fucking depressing and that's my bigger thing is like if a show is going to be just sort of unswervingly dark. I fucked up last night. I watched the House

of Cards season three first episode which has some let's call it dark material in it. And fuck my fuck my rims up. Fuck my rim cycle right up and I wish I hadn't done it. So I feel you just got to set a timer on that shit. That was walking dead where it was like we can't do this the last thing before we go to sleep. And then it was we can't watch this you know when we're just a couple hours away from bed. And then it was we can't watch it after six and then it just and then it was we can't watch it because they're not fucking doing anything on that show anymore. They're just walking around and dying. It's a good name for the show because they're just walking around and then one of them will die. They should just why don't you just like watch X files with your morning coffee

like to start your day. You're going to watch a dude crawl through like an air duct and dislocate his bones and eat someone's liver or whatever while you sip on your coffee and eat your Cheerios. Jump start your day with some spooks and some scares. Jump start your way the scully way. X files. The best part of waking up is a boneless man in your air ducts eating your liver. Because for me like what I I would watch stupid scary stuff like are you afraid of the dark and the episodes that were legit just like goofy and stupid but then my brain would kick over to like no that was stupid but what if and then pretty soon I was up till four o'clock in the morning. Yeah and I'm talking about like a week ago I'm a grown-ass man and still my overactive imagination

does that shit. So just watch in the morning and then watch a bunch of SpongeBob and like wash it away. Jesus Christ Travis is it is it just is it just Nickelodeon programming for you from this point on? Listen I have I have a very particular set of tastes and it's basically like I only enjoy things for children. You've got you've got jack disease but culturally. I actually like that uh I actually like that chaser idea of you watch something but then you know you sneak a gravity falls or something like that in right after it. Someone's going to pick your spirits right up and uh uh Parks and Rec is great for this. Antiques Roadshow. Okay well no but sure. Oh see I only enjoy things for uh five year olds or 85 year olds. That's my thing either I'm going to

watch like Avatar The Last Airbender or I'm going to watch uh you know like Property Brothers. Travis has both Jack and Benjamin Button so some you would think he was like right in the time of his life where he met in the middle and like carried himself like a grown ass man but no because they both reversed and turned around and now he's got Benjamin Button and Jack on either side book ending him trapping him in a prison of his own creation. As I work through grad school I nanny for a beautiful one and a half year old girl. I love spending time with her and I can't complain about the money. However when I take her on the town I'm often confused for her mother. Should I try to let admirers know that she isn't my child. This has led to some awkward situations like the

time I responded to what a beautiful baby that you have with oh she's not mine. I just found her like this. Well don't say that. Don't say that. Especially not with that inflection I just unintentionally gave you. Brothers how can I let people know that I'm a nanny and not a mom without a call to the police. That's from kidless in California. Mind I suggest a broom and a carpet bag and an umbrella and not a broom. Okay because I forgot what Mary Poppins. Oh which is broom and umbrella. Some steampunk goggles. Okay I heard. I heard aerobics and I heard a Mexican restaurant. Okay now I need a scenario. Sweatin' up the chair. Okay here we go. Um how about hey how about number one nanny shirt. Shirt. Yeah we're fine. These are some kind of branding.

Can we is this something. Listen Facebook for me has become well a prison of my own creation. So many things in your life are a prison of your own creation and if you take a look around you're really going to start to see the bars showing but um Facebook for me. But that's liberation. That's the first step to liberation remember. The con is on. The con is on realize you're already in a prison of your own creation. 90% of Facebook to me is advertisements for uh let's see I got one this morning that's like it's an Austin thing. You wouldn't understand it. Uh or uh don't worry leave it up to Griffin McElroy. Like it's like the fucking like books that your parents would get made for you. Like Griffin's a six year old space astronaut. He's going to Mars to die.

Like those books that Facebook has basically become that for me. Are we missing out on a nanny centric market of people who are fucking how about this nanny and proud of it. Nanny a proud. Nanny how about you know you didn't let me finish nanny and proud of it. Put that shit on a shirt. If every nanny buys it we're Brajillionaires. What about as he says it's not my baby gotta love me. Because it's on the cultural aspect. And then on the back because I'm a nanny and I love it. And I'm very proud. I guess just enough the pride I feel with completing a good job of watching this child that's not mine. How about front side I'm not a booboo nanny and then on the back side just I'm just a regular nanny and I love it. Love it so damn much.

You can't spell awesome without all pair. You can't spell awesome pair without all pair kind of and even then not. And even then it's a stretch. You can't you can't spell Australian pair without au pair. There we go. Maybe. Yes. All allowed. Might be a bit of a reach. Are you Australian? I think there's some symbols like an umlaut or french umlaut on there. Can you change something about the baby to make it clear that you two are not related. Can you make the baby a different race in you. Can you re-roll the baby. Can you re-roll. Is it too late to respect this baby. We just changed we just changed Drew from a shaman to a druid. So I don't think it's outside the realm of possibilities that maybe your baby is now a ranger. Oh I can tell this isn't your baby.

It's a tiefling. It's a this is a tiefling baby I understand. Justin hold on because we did gloss over it. Did you just maybe suggest baby blackface. I don't think I definitely did. I think it's maybe open to interpretation what you said and perhaps my interpretation is just one of many because there's a lot of beautiful races out there. Yeah I think that I think there's a situation a lot like when people say like hey how's it going. All you got to say when they're like oh what a beautiful little girl just say thank you. Like I don't think you need to say like she's not mine. Oh I don't want to mislead you. This isn't my baby. Like okay yeah cool super cool like I don't really care. I'm telling you like a business transaction where that information becomes

important like you're selling it. Like I don't think that you're selling the baby. Why are you selling the baby. That's like the worst all-pair all-pairing that you could do. That's like number one of the three laws of all-pairing. Don't sell the kid. Don't sell the kid. You can't harm the kid unless the kid asks you to harm it. I have to reread Isaac Asimov because I've forgotten the rest. And also look out it's Will Smith. Uh-oh. I feel like I would be if he's got a baby arm. The kid is all-intuitive. You guys think I would be a good all-pair. Oh for sure. Yeah I feel that in my heart that like that would have been a good career path for me. If if if if the baby just wants to chill. I think if the baby wants to if the baby wants to sketch up on a skateboard and do some

truck tricks. Hey Uncle Justin it's time to get active. I don't know. All right our first activity is why don't you bring me a laptop and load it up to monster.com for me because I want to need to do a career plan. I actually did that when I babysat uh when I babysat and the kid was like I don't want to go outside and play basketball. I'm like or we could watch SpongeBob. What would you think about that huh. Oh man. With all the couch time. Not going outside. The couch time for you and me. Yeah we can go on a couch adventure and use our imaginations. We can go wherever you want. Like I want to go to the park. I want to play in the creek in the park. It's like it's like around the corner. It's like one block over we can go to the park and just like throw a Frisbee

around. Or we can go on a couch mind adventure and we could pretend that we're in a park throwing Frisbee. But like we could easily super do that thing. And it would be like super duper easy. It would be. If you love nature so much why don't you check out the Phoenix on my computer because this is Phoenix online and I am going back. I love that Justin's imagining of him being on a career path involves him quitting that job. So deep are those roots in Justin's mind. Yeah. So deep are Justin's commitment issues to a career path. Yeah just completely. Yeah I can't be that. I can't find. Well how are you going to advertise that you want a less active kid. Like do you know Braden. Do you know Braden. Is your kid less active than Braden. Then have I

got an all pair for you. Wait are there two of you. Why did you emphasize pair. It'll seem like that. That's how good I am at it. That you'll wonder if there's an all pair of me. That man is sitting and playing video games on his couch. So good. It looks like there's two of him. That guy is that that man is watching TV with kids and actually secretly scrolling pornography on his phone. Justin. He's the worst in a lot of ways. He's super bad. Wait a minute. Is there one or two of him. He sucks so much. That was only one because he's terrible. This shithead is so shitty. I'm seeing double vision. This kind of incompetence can't be contained in one corporeal form. You'll say to yourself.

Want to tell you all about Blue Apron.com. Blue Apron is like one of it is literally changed my life. And I say that and you're going to sound like I'm blowing blowing smoke. But Blue Apron is a service where you sign up and every week they'll send you meals in the mail. All the ingredients you'll need to make a meal I should say because it's not done for you. You've got to meet them halfway on this. They'll send you fresh delicious meals that are easy to make for $9.99 a meal. It's a refrigerator box with the meat, the spices, the vegetables, everything you'll need. And it's a different thing every time. The reason I say it's changed my life is there are well balanced meals and that's always the part for me at dinner time is figuring out like you're

tired. You don't want to put the time into like driving to the store and all that stuff. So you get a pizza. You get something unhealthy with Blue Apron. It's settled for you. You know what you have to do and it's all there ready for you to start digging into. So it's like a really great healthy option. Most meals are only 500 to 700 calories per serving. We're talking about stuff like let's see what did I have? This week I got lamb shawarma. Yeah. That sounds awesome. Oh, we did that too. Can I dip into that? Last week I had some beef lo mein in like an orange sauce with gailan on it. And I actually get a lot of vegetables in the Blue Apron box that I could not buy locally. I mean and that's the cool thing is not only are you getting the main dish

but it also includes a side dish as well. So with the shawarma there was a radish salad. And like we did we did crispy chicken thighs and like a whole separate other side dish and it was ridiculous how good it was. Like if it's so much food and it's only $9.99 per meal. So if you want to try it you're going to go to blueapron.com slash my brother and you can get two meals for free by going to blueapron.com slash my brother. That address one more time blueapron.com slash my brother. Here's the thing guys when you're not eating delicious food from Blue Apron you're going to be wearing underwear. Sometimes those may even cross over it's impossible to say. No I cook bottomless because I like to feel the air on me while I'm expressing myself

colonnarily and I'm saying this and I'm thinking about like grease splatter and I'm uncomfortable. That's why you have to wear one of those big like Irish thick mitt sweaters cable so it hangs down to like your knees. And that's a sexy look for a boy. Yeah. I want to tell you guys about the best underwear you can buy and that is of course miyandis. Miyandis is the most comfortable underwear that exists in the world. They're dedicated to offering you comfy undies that fit great. They don't write up and they actually pull moisture away from your skin so you're cool all day long. I wore them almost exclusively down in Nalans and that swamp water didn't get anywhere near my zone. Stay out of there swamp water.

I have a certain barometric level. I prefer to keep things down there and miyandis got me. They're environmentally friendly. They have cool styles for both men and women. They look great. Go to miyandis.com and you can look at pictures of people wearing underwear and they look great and the underwear looks great and you can own them. If you go to miyandis.com slash my brother you can get 20% off your first order and free shipping on that order. No kidding. It's the best underwear that exists. Treat yourself to it because you won't regret it. We have a message for Lydia Syphilis Diller Carlton. Oh Jesus. Okay. And it's from Edwin Double Fist. I feel like you didn't nail the emphasis there. Let me try. Lydia Syphilis Diller.

No, no, no, no, no. Lydia Syphilis Diller. Oh, okay. I see. There you go. Carlton from Edwin Double Fist Zuniga. Yeah, probably nailed it. Happy birthday to the truest friend, a long-haired kid from the streets of LA could have. Sorry the end of 2014 sucked but together we'll avoid labonking it in 2015. Looking forward to fire pits, dice rolling, pasta necklaces, judging young kids at the rock and roll shows, and slapping fugazi songs on my belly in the years to come. Keep it straight, Delcy. Wow. Sometimes I just feel like I have this open wind, like it's almost like you're driving past and you stare in people's windows and you think like, I saw something I am not meant to see. Yeah, driving past, not like looking in for a long

period. Not stopping like, oh wait, hold on, let me listen to that belly slap. Is that fugazi? Is that fugazi or is that pavement? I can't. You know, some people say that the only way to listen to music is on vinyl, but I think the only way to listen to music is on belly slap. I actually, Edwin's belly. I like to take two seven inch LPs and I use those as circular drum sticks against my belly fat. I do it against other people no matter how much they ask me to stop. Got a message for Charles R. This is a fucking name. Charles R. Mountain from Caitlyn says, happy birthday, Chip. Sorry. Hey, you can't. Caitlyn, do you mean Charles R. Mountain? Well, except Chuck Mountain and also the mountain and that's it. That's it. I know you

thought your birthday present would be a personal message for the macro brothers, but that wouldn't be a surprise at all. Instead, I got you a large frame photo of orb winning the Kentucky Derby. To redeem mentioned coupon code, orb is two steel drums. He is. He really is. He is. Well, happy birthday, the mountain. Yes. Or Charles or Chuck Mountain. I don't think there's any gift that anybody could give you that's better than if your parents already gave, which is Chuck Mountain. Enjoy walking the land and spreading the good word. Mastering all you survey, Chuck Mountain. Hi, I'm Julie Sabatier, host of Rendered. It's a show about making meaning and breaking rules. We're answering important questions like, can you build a spacesuit in

your living room? I went to my brother's place in Beaverton and he has a swimming pool and I pressurized the suit and sat down there underwater for about 10 minutes. The thing that I built was supporting my life. That felt really good. What does it sound like when you play a polka record through a styrofoam cup? And what happens when an airport carpet gains a cult following? Oh my goodness. The carpet has an Instagram. Check out Rendered now at MaximumFun.org or wherever you like to listen to podcasts. Do you guys want a Yahoo? Yes. Yeah, please. This one was sent in by Game Recognized Game, Rachel Sperling. Thank you, Rachel. It's by... What was that? That was just the drumbeat of when a basketball team enters. I was hoping somebody would do the synthesizer along

with it. Which name me three basketball teams? It's not the LA Lakers. The Wizards, the Bulls, and the Spurs. Okay, someone knows their shit. This anonymous user asked this question in the pregnancy and parenting trying to conceive category. Would your semen be able to leave the moon if you ejaculated while standing on the moon? Oh god. Sorry, it's showing up on the radar. It's coming hard and fast and it's not breaking up in the atmosphere. Armageddon too. We gotta stop this jizz. I don't want to close my eyes. But I probably should. I should because this sucks. Would your semen, you're on the moon, you blast off some dude juice, and it whoosh. I think you've created a new astral body. It would enter like it would become a moon to the

moon wouldn't it at that point? Like it would enter. It would have its own orbit. Yeah. Uh-huh. The tiniest comet. A little comet. It comes around every 70 years. And your kids look off with their future telescopes and say, dad, is that Halbop comet too? And you say, yeah, it is. And I have a secret that I've never told anyone. That's my jizz. I guess the real question in this scenario is like, what mechanism did you come up with to have your wiener out that it didn't freeze off in the void of space? A mitten. Put a mitten over that. Of course. I don't see what's so hard to understand about that. There it goes. Got you little guy. It can fly. It'll take trillions of years as it travels

out of our solar system, goes through the interstellar black hole, comes out the other end. It's trillions of light years away from our Earth as we know it. And then to a derelict part of space where just no life has formed. And then my due juice explodes. And becomes a sun. Oh my God. And that's the newest game from me, Peter Mullen. That is how this is the opening moments. And then from that point, you take one ounce of the due juice to portray, to go to every quarter of the solar system. And this is the game that I've made for you, Peter Mullen, you. It has the most upsetting connect controls that you've ever. It will never be more upset by connect controls. Graphical fidelity so rich you'll wish it wasn't. And there it goes.

Off on its own adventure. I'm just thinking about the departure. And just like one astronaut watching another one. And it's like, this isn't weird. This is science. You're not in control to meet your time. Please stop. Woosh. My own little spaceship of my own. Going on an interstellar journey. There. And there it goes. Salute it as it escapes the orbit. Woosh. But then it forms a clay. It runs into an asteroid. Astronoid. And then sticks to all the astronauts together. I don't know why the scientists keep making astronauts. All the astronauts stuck together. And then it alters the orbit of this new planet you've created.

And it crashes into our planet. And that's Mullen Callia II. Lars von Trier. He's mixing all of his genres together. It's a spatial sex horror romp. And I call it Ghostbusters III. You're right, everybody. I just made it very bad. Made a bad film. That's me. Lars von Trier. That's right. It's Rester III. And that's what I sound like. The classic, my brother, my brother and me bit. What does Justin think people sound like? Hi, I'm Lars von Trier. This is me. Did you guys see Antichrist? Pretty fucked up, huh? You may remember the way my voice sounds from the time that I tried to sound like Peter Mullen you're 10 minutes ago. Oh, Jesus. I fall asleep without trouble, only to be slowly woken up by a song, usually at about 4am. Today it's Starship. This

happens almost every night. I've tried putting on ambient music or white noise, but it only makes some bop even louder. Do you have any ideas about what I can do? Save me, we built this city. From this terrible, we built this city on rock and roll, waking nightmare, sleepless in Portland, not Seattle. I'm confused. Yeah, me too. Where's the music coming from? No, I don't understand. You find the sorts of the music and you ask them to shut it down. Like, I don't understand. No, it's in your head. Or is it in your head? That's the thing. What they're saying is they have a song stuck in their head. So this happened to me with Bastille's Pompeii for a little over three weeks, where like, I would be woken up from a dead sleep with, in my head. You're talking about Tarzan

It was so catchy. Yeah, I got Pompeii in my head really bad. I think everyone on this call will remember the grim few days in February of 2015, where we were all in confined spaces for a weekend and I had not even the chorus of Genuine's Pony stuck in my head, but just the very beginning sounds. The opening strings. The opening strings of Pony. Yeah, I actually, I looked up the lyrics later and was retroactively horrified by what I'd been. So this is a great opportunity for us to talk about the lyrics of Pony in a frank and safe environment, because this is a fun game. If you're listening at home, you've certainly heard the song Pony millions and millions of times. Go ahead and say the first

few words of chorus. The reference on Parks and Rec. I played it at my wedding and I danced with my nanny to it, but go ahead and try and figure out the first words. Go ahead and talk about it. By the way, this is the rest of the show. So if you don't want to spoil Genuine's Pony for yourself, then you want to skip ahead to the end. Here are, let's just go on. If you have a song on here, by the way, just try to get it out. Get over it. Go on, Caduce. Listen to the song. Actually, listen to the song. That's what did it for me. You have to listen because if you get halfway through something, that's when it gets stuck. So you have to finish it and then stop listening to it instead of midstream because your brain gets hung up on things that are unfinished

and it wants to complete the loop. There's a lot of game design based around that. Anyway, I'm just a bachelor. Okay. Looking for a partner. Beautiful. I'm loving it so far. This is very romantic. Yeah. So far, this is good. Someone who knows how to ride without even falling off. Maybe he literally used horseback riding. Hold on. Are you having a problem with people falling off of your pee-pee in very sex? She's really bad at riding. Or are you bucking down there? What are you doing? Yeah. I'm very slippery. I'm very slippery. I'm not a sex time master, but you don't buck. Nobody falls. Gotta be compatible. Takes me to my limits. Girl, when I break you off, I promise that you won't want to get off. You're starting to confuse

some of your... Okay, but then just before you can contemplate that line, he gets... In case you've been somehow confused by the layers of... Is it horses or is it... Illusion. Right. Is it horses or is it fucking? Genuine dispels any of that lingering doubt by saying, if you're horny, let's do it. Ride it. My pony. But he could be being very obtuse there. And he could be just speaking politically if you're super horny to ride a horse. Because that's me. Basically every day I'm super horny to ride a horse. More general parlance, not the specific, not the literal horny, but the new vernacular horny. I'm really horny to try this burger. I don't want to fuck this burger. Right. No one would want to fuck a burger. But I will. I will if you need me to.

If it's going to get me this job, I'll... Yeah, sure. Listen, I'm going to be devil's advocate here. That's what's going to take to sell you this car. I'm going to be devil's advocate here because I feel like people have over-sexed this song way too much and I am still unconvinced it's not about horsies. What a pretty fun interpretation of this song is that Genuine has never had sex in his life and doesn't know the things that happen in it. So he imagines that maybe falling off is a problem or maybe someone gets broken off at a certain point or like if it's not compatible because like yours is kind of shaped like this. It hers is kind of shaped like that. It's like, well, I'm not going to fit in there. Some people have a duck penis. I don't know. What do you say before

you do it? Probably something like really direct like if you're horny, let's do it. Do you think that's how people have sex together? Like they say that? I don't think of literally any other introduction to the act. Yeah. Then I'm gonna kiss your butt. You're gonna kiss my butt? Because that's what you... Gonna pinch your elbows now. What I don't think and then he's thinks saddles are involved. My saddles waiting. Come and jump on it. Now here's where I think my theory is reinforced. In the next section of Genuine's Pony, he has completely exhausted any like imagined sexual prowess that he has and says the lines, sitting here flossing, peeping your steelo. He's sitting here flossing. Yeah. He knows about oral hygiene. He's got a

fucking amazing smile. So I'm not so surprised about that. Peeping your steelics. He's looking over their Pokemon collection. So like, yes. Again, I'm on board. Is it possible he's so deep into pony play that when he says like, you're falling off and like my saddle is ready, he's being literal. Like if you want to do this, put a saddle on me, ride me around the apartment. Do a horsey backer ride. And then nine months later, you'll poop a baby out of your butt. I think. Yeah. Maybe. There's some more vague, vague illusions to the sex act, culminating in chills up and down your spine, juices flowing down your thigh, which I think we can all agree. It's sweat from the saddle. From the saddle. I got the sweaty thighs from this saddle. I need a

bigger saddle that has that I breathes. Here is the next, the last section of this song. And he starts, he grabs the reins of this fucking crazy metaphor and just steers it into a shopping mall and is just like knocking over trash cans, cannot keep it on the rails. Here are the last lines of the song. If we're going to get nasty, baby, first we'll show and tell. Okay. So metaphorically, what you've done is you've taken us into a classroom where we're going to show and tell about the things that we're about to do. And what are those things? Show our genitals and tell about them. Tell about our genitals. This is my penis. His name is Steve. This is penis. What is this? Tell me. What do you call this? Till I reach your ponytail. Okay. So now you've like conflated

ponytails with ponytails and maybe another, and there's definitely like an animalia layer of like actually mean like a ponytail butt plug from extremer strains or he thinks very well that he's going to go so deep in that vagina. He's going to reach her butt again, proving that I don't think he understands what's up down there. Is that genuine tan coming out from underneath your ponytail like that one scene in the grudge? Yes, it is. He's deep inside. He then says lurk all over and through you, baby. He's going to go on a magic school bus adventure through your vagina tube until he takes the butt exit. He's going to, but he says it'll lurk. How are you going to lurk through? So what's wrong? What's wrong? You seem distressed. Yeah, my stomach is really hurting.

It might be I had some Mediterranean food and I don't usually handle that well or possibly genuines on a magic school bus adventure. And he's lurking around my insides. Lurking around all over and through me. And then he gets that like he tries to bring the metaphor back around. He says until I reach your stream. Okay. Okay. You'll be on my jockey team. Sure. What are you even saying? Like, I don't even understand metaphorically what you're trying to get across anymore. The stream is a metaphor for the fact that he can lead her to his penis, but can't make her drink. And then the jockey team, she's going to be on the team of people riding him apparently for competition. He is not making her feel special. Maybe he says

jockey team because he feels like he had to rhyme with stream. But honestly, genuine, that's a restriction. That's a self-made prison, man. Look around. That's a prison you made for yourself. Stream didn't make any sense in context. You've had no water related. Again, genuine, you did say earlier that she was the one with a pony tail. And if that's the case, she's a pony and ponies don't ride other fucking ponies on races. How about this line? How about this line? I don't want you to think I'm a player. I'm going to make you my only mayor. That's beautiful. That's fine. But then you have, you have just confessed that you have a team of people that are unsuccessfully riding on you because you won't stop fucking bucking them off.

Well, you have to have some backups because that's how he thinks sex works. She, well, what he's saying is she's going to have to work his way up the jockey team because you don't just start the jockey off in like first position. You'll get it on the ground floor. Yeah, I'm going to welcome you to the line. And if you can prove that you're better than Jimmy and Steve and Susan and little Jimmy, then you can be at the head of the jockey team. But until then, if you're a horny, let's do it. You got to muck my stable, if you know what I mean. If you know what I'm saying. I wish he threw out more metaphor that Oh, there's so many things that he could do. I'll let you shoe me.

What? Yeah. What does that mean? Inspect them. My teeth girl looking for gum health. It'll be there because I floss awesome. An apple to apples. Third apple. I'll eat them. I'm pulling your carriage. I pooped on the street and the Shriners rode through it. He's in a parade in this for sure. I'm with you. Well, that really was the rest of the show. I told you, I knew I sensed it. I sensed it coming. Thank you so much to me on these for sponsoring our program. A reminder, you can go to me on these.com slash my brother and get 20%

off your first order. I guarantee both of our advertisers are getting significantly improved the quality of your life. Who's the other one Griffin? The other one is Blue Apron. Blue Apron, you can go there and you can get delicious ingredients to cook your own delicious meals at home. It's 999 per meal, but we can save you a little bit off that. If you go to blueapron.com slash my brother, you will get your first two meals free. Also, Max Fun Drive is coming up. It starts on the 16th and goes for two weeks. This will be our fourth, I think, but if you're new to the show or new to the network, Max Fun Drive is our opportunity to give you something like the best shows of the year. It's also your chance to become a sponsor, a donor,

of my brother and my brother and me and other great Maxfunfun.org podcasts. You'll get some great gifts for becoming a donor or upgrading your donation. You also get bonus episodes and I can only speak for my brother and my brother and me in the adventure zone, but they're fucking good. You won't want to miss those. I mean, I don't know. I wasn't sitting in on the Sawbones or the Bunker Buddies bonus episodes. The Bunker Buddies one was super fun. How was Sawbones? I haven't done it, but will. It's gonna be good. It'll be real good. It's gonna be great. Also, I want to let you know there's a couple more tickets left. I think there's only a few from Milwaukee and a little bit more for

Chicago, but they're going really, really quickly for our live shows. So, go to it's bit.ly forward slash mbmbam Chicago. And the other one is bit.ly forward slash mbmbammil. I want to thank John Rodgerick in the Long Winters for the use of our theme song, It's a Departure, off the album Putting the Days to Bed, a terrific album. I was actually listening to it this morning because it got a little chilly here in Austin. It's a nice cold weather buddy, but it's also warm weather, buddy. It's completely arbitrary what type of weather it is, just buy the album and listen to it. It's great. I also want to say, we got a, or I did at least, from Rob Toner in the LA, the P.O. Box. Rob sent me two Mordecai posters. Oh,

God. And the gigantic ones, the one of Johnny Depp and the one of Winneth Paltrow. Oh, sure. Yes. I know them well. Oh, they're so wonderful. I'm going to put them up in my home. The P.O. Box for the LA, the West Coast, is P.O. Box 341769, Los Angeles, California 90034. Speaking of, super quick, I want to just blow through these because I want to thank people for the great things that got us for Canonites. And I've had the stack of stuff mixed with my desk for literally three months. And so just let me say it, Andy sent me Disable the Joystick podcast. Thank you so much, Andy. Oz and Ben sent us a beautiful greeting card. We got one from Leadbeaters here. We got Pickles from Scottsdale. Got a Game of Horse Sense from Reed, a T-shirt and

CD, Kate and Carl Sticker Factory. And Sean Sleeps Naked is the name of that CD. Andy got me Power Factory on CD. We got a beautiful postcard from Nauder Sessions. Scientists, those words don't make any sense. A postcard from Eric in California from Rome, which is beautiful. A postcard from Dennis R. From San Francisco, that's beautiful. A lovely Christmas card from Brian and Katharina. Another one from The Hills, which is just lovely. Everybody's got beautiful families. The Vanden Brooks sent us one. They have a beautiful family. I'm happy to report. Oh, I was worried. I know, you were. Thank you, Brian, for the lovely note and the adventure zone gift. Thank you to George Zimmerman for the very kind note and congratulations to Fallon Wisdom. Tallon Wisdom, excuse me,

Tallon Wisdom for graduating college. Thank you, Lindsay, for the beautiful gift that you sent us. Jennifer and Laura, thank you for the wedding invite. Thank you to Nikita for the Jimmy Buffett book. Thank you to Save the Date from Rachel and Chris. That's very kind of you. We've got a beautiful postcard from India. Thanks to Ann for that. And finally, lastly, a dice bag from Trevor Dearborn that he fashioned for us himself. He's chain-linked dice bags. I'll have to get you guys. Oh, see, yeah. I know that was, sorry, everybody, but thank you to everyone who sent us stuff because it really is so very kind of you. Yeah, thank you very much. I've got a final Yadru answer here from level 9000. Yadru, Druid, Dru Davenport. Thank you, Dru. This is by a

suspended Yahoo Answers user who asks, where and how can I get a life like Kesha's? I want a life like that. I'm just a McRoy. I'm Cow's McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This has been my brother, my brother, me, kiss your dad's school. Where on the lips? Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Oh, hey there, everybody. I'm Guy Branham and welcome to Pop Rocket, a new weekly show picking over the pop culture we all love to love. With me to talk TV, film, music, and anything else entertaining are journalists Margaret Wabler, academic writer and DJ Oliver Wang, digital strategist, winner Mitchell and comedian Santina Mewhaugh. It's an intellectual and incredibly

snark-filled discussion about pop culture by five cranky Hollywood 30-somethings. No name-calling, no rudeness, just straight talk and a lot of role play. I'm only 30-something for another year. Me too. And I don't tell anybody I'm 30-something. Pop Rocket comes out every week from Maximumfun.org.