My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 242: In The Mouth of Mango

Episode Date: March 9, 2015

This is an episode you should really tell your friends about! Because, otherwise, in seven days, an otherworldly Ancient God will climb out of your podcasting platform of choice and pull you into a dimension of unimaginable horror. Suggested talking points: Survival Kitties, Prank Central, Stop Rapping, Sonic Parties, Tattoo Previews, Shower Clowns, Spanky Gazpacho

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, welcome to my brother, my brother, me, and advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. I'm very defensive, usually, of living in West Virginia. Why don't you get out of there, people say,

but I appreciate the pastoral living. Is that what you'd call it? Because of Justin's rural lifestyle. Right, you don't live on or near a pasture. Yeah, it's more pastoral, though, in nature. That really bit me in the hinder this week, though, because my power went out for four days. For four solid days. So are we speaking to a ghost now? Because I would literally die. I would literally die. I think I would probably gaslight myself because I would just sit there and go like, oh man, power's out, I can't watch TV. That's fine, I'll just play video games. Oh no. I used to think that this was a regular occurrence, and then I told my boss,

Chris, who lives in Philadelphia, about this, and he said, my power went out once for 30 seconds during Hurricane Sandy. I was like, well, okay, I guess that maybe it's not as common a problem as opposed to 110 where the mayor sneezes and the power goes out. Right. Here's the depths of my depravity. This is my lowest moment, is I go to the house on Friday night, I guess it was, and the power is still out, and it is fucking freezing. And I walk into the house, the power is out, the house is freezing, and there, and the cats are in the house, and it's so, so cold in there. And I can't get the cats because they're too fast and it's pitch black. Well, hold on, CJ is not too fast. CJ I couldn't grab,

but what am I supposed to do? Take one of them, the one I like, and let the other one die, it seems to me. So I, so I, I'm like, fucking, I got to do something to help these cats, and I don't know what I can do. It's like that scene in Pee Wee's Big Adventure, but in reverse. In reverse, right. So I wander around the house, and I'm like, wait a minute, I got a heater. And I'm like, downstairs, rummaging through the basement, falling over the myself. And finally, I get the heater. I find it, and I like, struggle to carry it upstairs, and I go, and I shit you not, I put it in the, in the upstairs hallway, and I plug it in, and then I just fucking stand there and stare at it for like 30 seconds. Like, what have I done? This is literally what happens to me. So I could,

I do that, I'm like, well, cats are dead, tough titties, I got to move on with my life. So I go out, I go out of the house to, actually, I was going to go back and retrieve Sydney to help us get the cats. So I go out of the car, and I see the, our next door neighbor lugging a $700 generator into the house. And as he literally crosses the threshold of his house, the power comes back on with his generator. I'm like, wow, you did that, because that is something worse happened to somebody else than what just happened to me. You had this terrible scenario. So he, he says, I can't believe it, you're welcome. I made that happen by buying this generator. I'm like, oh, thank God, my cats are going to be okay. And he said, do you want to

join us for a celebratory post outage beer? I said, no, I thank you, I can't, I have food and a baby and a wife waiting for me back in my in-laws place. I have to tell them the good news. And I see him literally, I'm pulling away, right? I see him literally clink beer cans with his buddy who is helping him lug the generator. I see them literally clink beer cans and the power shuts off. I thought you were going to see clink beer cans with his new buddy, the generator that he purchased, his new $700 electro friend. Oh, buddy, my life. Chappy too. Chappy too. Now I'm a generator. Did you, I talked, we were talking on the phone while you were preparing soup in a pot that you had positioned over a fireplace like some sort of caveman with gas.

You know what? It was the best, it was the best bad soup I had ever had. You were making fucking goofy movie high dad soup on your cigarette lighter. Yeah, it was not pleasant. It was not, it was not pleasant. I could, that was the lowest level, plugging in an electro heater. Am I here cats? Boy, that was sort of a jarring moment for the cats too. Like this is the entity that is charged with keeping us from dying. This is our lot in life. You think the cat's are sitting there from the door going, no, don't plug it in. What are you doing? Idiot. Come on. I would have done to keep those kitties warm. What? This is snuggled. Snuggle them. Well, one of Justin's cats is snuggle a verse. I've never touched one of Justin's cats. I don't think anybody has. This has been

kitty talk. This has been kitty talk. We're talking about our little bitty kitties. Welcome to the little bitty kitty committee. I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Justin Meowk-Roy and I love my kitty. I'm grrrriffin' McRoy, like a grrrr, like a grouse. My kitty's like a lion. I'm Travis McRoy. My workplace has become prank central. Oh, the kitty's getting in the moustache. Kitty's getting in the milk and moustache. Oh, where'd all my sardines go? My workplace and also all of my accounts. Oh, God, they cleaned me out. The cat liquidated me. My workplace has become prank central and I just had my coffee spiked with a cup of salt. What the fuck? One sip and I thought I was going to vomit on the spot.

Yeah, because that's what people do to make themselves vomit. My knee jerk reaction is to go thermonuclear, but I'd like to keep my job. What is an appropriate and measured response? That's from Gmail. This is so hard because how do you target the responsible party? Yeah, that's a good point. Somebody probably claimed responsibility for this Ipacac goof that they did on you. There's one of two scenarios here. Scenario one is this is like you work in a good time's place, right, where everybody's best friend. Sorry, what? What was the expression? Like a good time's place. Travis is suggesting like a fucking startup with $400 trillion to spare and so everybody just plays ping pong. Otherwise,

you'd be too busy doing goddamn work to start playing Salt and Other People's Coffee. So everybody just like pals around all the time and this is the kind of place where it's like, you know what? I just feel like not doing any work and just ordering pizzas today, right? So maybe it's that kind of place and you don't fit in. Where people can just hang out and do whatever. Right, and be shut down in like nine months. Work is played, food you break today. Yeah, and you're the one who doesn't fit in, right? Because everybody else is like a good time buddy and you're like, oh guys, can we focus up? Or scenario two, this is a place of work, this is a business where work gets done and like some fucking, you know, like Tom Green over here,

some kind of prankster, goofster, is ruining it for everybody. And then I think you go to the boss and you, you narc, you just complain so hard. Oh yeah, yeah. You got, you can't, I always hated Jim Halpert on the office because it's like, fucking do anything. You're being compensated. You know what the number one like piece of workplace theft is? It's time. And when you're fucking goofing constantly and not hitting the, hitting the books or those streets or the papers or whatever it is you hit in, in whatever job he had, it's been a while since I've seen the show, but just like do some work, dude. How do you like sleep at night? I mean, he thinks he's so funny with his, with his goofs and such, but maybe if he committed to his job, he would enjoy it more.

He would get more satisfaction out of it. If he would just do his work and leave that poor Dwight alone, Dwight's trying to do his work. He's got some social, you know, issues. Maybe he doesn't like get along well with everybody and he's not your normal fellow. So he should be tormented for that, Jim. Because he likes, because he takes a pleasure in his craft. You fucking dick, Ed. Because he likes things like Battlestar Galactica and farming. So it's your job. So it's your shit on that. Congratulations, Jim Halpert. Your Twitter, you piece of shit. You're a terrible person, Jim Halpert. You and Pam deserve each other in this economy. We have just fallen into a deep pit. Help me out, Griffin. I just don't put salt in people's

coffee for starters because some people need that shit. Salt or coffee? Coffee. What if you're on like a low sodium diet? Because your doctor puts you on it. And you drink it and immediately have a heart attack. Hey, yeah, cool, attempted murder. You piece of shit. This is why I can't work in an office anymore because people are constantly trying to fucking kill you just to get a laugh off. I think the best response is to wait till that person is drinking their coffee and then walk up, take the coffee out of their hands and smash it against the wall. And how's that praying? This is what you did to me. I'm literally just saying like prank. I pranked you.

I would say that if your natural response is to go like way over the top thermonuclear, you shouldn't try that word again. Thermonuclear. You shouldn't respond at all. Like because I don't think you have a good gauge. And you know that the fastest way to not like to to not get pranked again in the future is to have zero reaction to the thing that happened. You take a sip of the coffee, you almost vent from and then you just go like, no, I mean, you just pour it out. I liked it. I approve. And then you just like, walk over, you quietly dump it out. You really fill your coffee. Oh, okay. Listen, I have an actual good, I have an actual good response to this.

Get in league with your boss and don't go into work on an upcoming day, maybe just tomorrow, whenever you listen to this tomorrow. And then when the person who salted your coffee asks, say that, well, Richard quit because people are so mean with their pranks. Or even better, he had to stay home sick with salt poisoning. He had salt poisoning. Hey, House of Cards season four sucks. Do you guys want a yahoo? Yeah. Yeah. This yahoo was sent in by game, recognize the game, Rachel Spirling, thank you. It's by Yahoo Answers user, that guy who asks, how do I give up rapping?

At one point, it just consumed my life and I'm tired of sinning. I look back and my old recordings sound very, I wait, hold on one more time. First sentence again. At one point, it just consumed my life and I'm tired of sinning. Okay. I look back and my old recordings sound very evil and scary. Boo. Every time I quit, I get drawn back in. How do I stop this addiction? How do you figure it out? Sincerely, Dr. Dre. I just want to do my headphone thing. I wish I could quit this speaking. You'll keep wanting detox. I say, please drop detox, Dre. And I say, it's evil and sinning and I can't go back to those rapping ways. I just listened back to it and I'm like, what was I thinking?

What was I thinking? Can you quit or can you do like a fucking Will Smith brand shift where it's just like, I only rap about things that make people feel good and no swears, no sin. I don't think God listens to Will Smith. I mean, of course, God listens to Will Smith. I don't think, just like in prayer and also he has all of his albums, because it's really good and we're all waiting for that new shit, that new stuff. Sorry, I'm going to try and answer this question in the style of Will Smith. I'm just trying to live my life a little bit closer. You're going to have to reference Miyami a lot more. I'm going to have to just try and live my life a little bit closer to Will. And so, go do the Will Smith thing.

God listens to Will Smith and it's like, I like this guy's style. I like how he keeps it clean. His big willy style. It's funny because it's clean, but it's still so edgy because he has that son that's all about candy and he's like, you sweet, good enough to eat. Make a fellow want to TLC creep. And it's like, I love that reference. I love candy and I love how you didn't just swear Will Smith. So, can we do like, can you come a little bit closer? Come with me, take my hand. We're going to walk a little closer with you, Will Smith. There's three pairs of footprints of this hand. One's me, one's you, one's big will. And then every so often there's like a missed spot in the middle and that's where big will and God were swinging me. And then there's some erratic

two pairs of footsteps and then one of them disappears and then like, and then 15 feet down the line, there's just like a big like impact mark. It's like the shape of a human and that's where Uncle Phil picked up DJ Jazzy Jeff and launched him like a human torpedo. DJ Jesus Jeff. So, um, you could definitely do that. I think Griffin, the point you're missing is not how to revamp his, his rap, but how does one stop the thing that is so inherent, so intrinsic in your DNA that like, you can't imagine not doing it anymore. You know what I mean? Like we all have that thing where it's like, when I wake up, I'm eating and breathing cross stitch, right? Like how do I not cross stitch anymore? It is at this point so identifiably me

that when people think Travis, they think cross stitch. Sure. Um, and to answer this actual question, if I could just like actually answer a question for once, the secret is to not rhyme when you're talking. That's the trick. You're going to do that once. You're going to be like, if you catch yourself like, let me welcome everybody to the Wild Wild West state that's untouchable, like Elliot Spitzer. If you just got it. Yeah. If you see yourself about to rhyme, you just like turn the whole ship around. Justin, you are so right because I was about to suggest just don't record it, but then I've seen people rhyming but not record just walking down the street and rhyming. Is this is an epidemic? Is it? It's going to be like,

what happens? You know what happens to a dream deferred? It gets all, it gets all raisiny and fucked up. And that's the problem is, I feel like if you try and keep this inside, you can't purge this urge like a glass of surge. Do you know what I mean? Oh no. They got him. Oh no. Here I go. I've promised I would stop because I wasn't flopped, but I'd chipping, chipping, chipping, chipping, chipping, chipping, chipping. You're having a stroke. No, it was a joke and I'm telling on the show and Elliot Spitzer. Here's a wrap tip from us two years. If you ever get tired in the middle of a wrap or sleepy or just can't think of words to say, say chip a chip chip. Or and or Elliot Spitzer,

which is a magical word that rhymes with anything. Some would call it two words. Scientists have yet to agree on how many words Elliot Spitzer is. You can't give up rapping. Just, I would say just try and walk a little closer with me. Will Smith. I've been Will Smith this whole time. Thank you all for listening to the podcast. Is it rude to show up to a themed birthday party not dressed in the requested attire? My friend is turning 30 and her husband is planning a surprise 90s themed dance party. I don't have any frumpy high-waisted jeans overalls, crop tops, high top tennis shoes or anything else remotely 90s. And I don't feel like rummaging through all the local thrift stores for these types of items. What I'd be as lame as

the people who show up to Halloween party sans costume or is this different and not as big as a social faux pas? Please help. That's from lost my LA gears in Georgia. Yes. Yeah. I just don't like, you know what, like I don't feel like it is not a, is not a condition by which you get to not do like nobody feel, nobody's woke up is like, I've got to dig out my hyper color t-shirts from storage. We do it because it's funny for other people. Like nobody feels like doing it on the last unless unless unless this friend is constantly trying to do themed parties. Yeah. And that is rude. That's the rude shit right there. If this is like, listen, he's turning 30 or she's turning 30. And like we like our group of friends have like not done a theme party in years. Yeah. Then

yeah, you have to go, you have to at least make an effort. But if it's like every other week, they're trying to do like a Quentin Tarantino themed party and we're going to watch it and now we're doing this and we'll do an Oscars party, whoever went like, then it's like, okay, you know what, ran out of ideas so quickly, Travis, holy shit. Famous magicians was the only other thing I had. But they all wear the same shit. They all look exactly the same except for David's place. Everybody wore, everybody wore a straight jacket. Did nobody like talk to each other before the, how are we supposed to pick up drinks? I think a good rule of thumb for anything like this is where you think if, okay, in your mind, flash forward to the party where everybody's dressed up

and you walk in and just your regular clothes and that's the rest of your night. You know what I mean? Where people were like, oh, you did, oh, you didn't. Oh, I didn't you. And your only explanation is I didn't feel like looking for the stuff where everybody else has done it. And like, there's your host like looking at you like, oh, you chose not to participate. Like when, I think when you think about it in that context and like the reality of the situation, it's pretty clear that you would feel rude because they asked you to do a thing and you might as well, it's like if somebody said, everybody bring a dish and you didn't, it's rude to have a theme party at all first. You should let somebody get that far out of their head. They're like, get that much out.

Hey, we're having a theme part. That's rude. That's very rude of you to do. I think you're right, Justin. Here's my suggestion. I used to mow the lawn at our house and then I just started doing such a shitty job of it. The dad stopped asking me to mow the lawn and I gracefully bowed out. I think if you can show up to something to each of these parties that technically fits the bill, but is so wildly inaccurate and bad and wrong that they will just stop doing them entirely. I thought you meant 1890s. Or you show up dressed up as Sonic the Hedgehog and they're like, what the fuck? And you're like, that would be fresh. That's the thing that was in the 90s. Right, but then they come dressed up as your favorite food and you show up like Sonic the Hedgehog.

And you're like, I don't know. You could probably cook and eat a hedgehog. I don't know. Famous presidents. Hi, I'm Sonic T. Hedgehog. That's me. Our nation's 61st president. And you're like, what are you fucking talking about? And you're like, you can't prove that Sonic the Hedgehog won't be our nation's 61st president. Why don't you keep an open mind? And then they have Oscars party. Everybody's black tie. And I'm Sonic the Hedgehog. Hello. And pretty soon, you stop being invited to parties at all and then you don't have to worry about it. Well, no, that's not that that's the thing. Then they have a Sonic the Hedgehog party. You show up as Judge Lance Edo. Judge Lance Edo is part of the extended Sonic first. He was in the 2006

Sonic the Hedgehog game playing Dr. Robotnik. What I'm saying is Sonic the Hedgehog is just a great character. Do you guys want a Yahoo? Yes. Here's a Yahoo that was sent in by Ian Dunn. Thank you Ian. It's by Yahoo Answers user fairy girl who asks, what is the meaning of every tattoo Adam Levine has? How much time do you got? What is the meaning of every tattoo Adam Levine has? I know some of them like the Roman numeral 10 and the 222. But what about everything else? He's got the one that wards off evil. The roast piece is on his left shoulder. Right. He's got the mom on his left forearm. He's got the Ghostbusters logo over his left eyeball.

He's got the Deathly Hallows around his nipple. Sure. He's got the fake beard tattooed on his face. Right under the Ghostbusters logo. On his other eye, he has the Ghostbusters logo but the two one where the Ghost is putting up the peace sign. Oh, no way. That's two, isn't it? He's got the tattoo on his butt where it looks like Slimer's coming out of his butt crack. His butt. Yeah. He has a lot of Ghostbusters tattooed. I didn't put that together until just now. Yeah. Well, it's good luck. This dude has such a broad assortment of tattoos. I think he adhered to the Travis McElroy School of tattoo themes where it's just like a lot of different stuff. Like, for instance, there's a paw print that says Frankie Girl as is referred to as Golden

Retriever Frankie. There's a script tattoo. I'm reading an answer because somebody fucking busted out a bullet point here. There's a tattoo written in either Hindi or Sanskrit on the left side of his chest that has been hard to get a photo of but it is believed to say Maroon 5. It's like there are goddamn dead sea scrolls. There are apocryphal Adam tattoos. And I would disagree just by googling Adam Levine tattoos but that has not been hard to get a picture of because there are bajillions of them. On the left side of Adam. Adam Levine's a fit dude. Yeah, dude. He's like ripped in his body's crazy but he's got a tattoo on his left bicep that is an X meaning 10 for the 10 year anniversary of

Maroon 5. I got that exact same tattoo. I'm surprised I didn't see him there. Well, they were giving him away free at the tattoo parlor. Just come in and let us celebrate Maroon 5. So this motherfucker is in a band called Maroon 5. He's got a tattoo that it has 222. That's for the number on the door, the very first studio that Maroon 5 ever recorded in. He's got an X for the number 10 for the 10 year anniversary of Maroon 5. Nowhere on his fucking body does he have a goddamn 5 for the number in his goddamn number band. Hi. Hi. My name is Matchbox 20. I'm from Matchbox 20. We've been going for 30 years so I got a 30 tattooed on my body because I'm an idiot. Travis, why are you saying it'd be a link to Pinterest? Oh, good. An Adam's Inc user

guy from Facebook Magazine. Now this claims that the Sanskrit means austerity. Does this mean austerity of Maroon 5? That's the same thing. He's got a shark tattoo from facing his fear of them. Of sharks? No, of shark tattoos. He's terrified of shark tattoos. Shark, you look at me straighten your dead black eyes like a doll's eyes because I'm going to get a tattoo of you, but I promise myself I'd look at you for 30 seconds first. I made it 20 and you just got to stay still. Well, you got the tattoo from a shark. Adam, I noticed you keep looking at the doors, everything okay? No, it's fine. It's fine. Yeah, you know it's pretty good. It's just getting harder and harder to breathe. It's just getting harder and harder to breathe. I've got a great idea for a song.

I've got to go start a band so I can write it. Okay, listen to this shit. Listen to this shit. And then as he stumbles outside, he sees five Maroon cars drive by and he goes, Eureka! There is another new piece in the collection of Adam Levine tattoos on the right side of his chest that is not yet revealed. There's a teaser for it from 2016. There are photos that offer a little hint, but as of yet, there is no confirmation as to what is actually there. There is also a rumor of a new back piece that hasn't been revealed yet either. Do you know how about, but Jeff Griffin, do you know how fucked it is? Like, do you know what it says about Adam Levine? That the fact that people can't see like his skin, all of his skin all the

time is the questionable thing. Like, we have those things here in the regular world. They're called clothes and we wear them to cover our tattoos. Dude, if I had a crazy, blown out, rip a dip body like Adam Levine, if my shit was top of the class, so, so tight. Moves, just like Jagger. Bumps, ridges, Jagger moves, Jagger bumps and ridges, Kiten, Kiten under the skin though, to just give it a 14 pack fucking blissful, sweet, sweet pasture of man, man flesh. I would never wear clothes anywhere ever again. Guys, can I ask you a real talk question? Just real talk for a second. What's wrong? Don't you think Adam Levine is probably super cool to hang out with? I bet he's probably a super

cool dude. I bet he's so chill. I bet, but he's not gonna happen because I just yelled at him on the internet about it. I haven't yelled at him. That's a high quality hang, man. All I want to do is spend the day with Adam Levine and Rob Thomas. Like that, if I could tell 16-year-old Travis, the 31-year-old Travis could make that happen for him, like that would just be the best. Can you get Adam Levine on the show as a guest spurt? Try and stop me, Justin. We couldn't get Scott Backill, but maybe we can get Adam Levine. Adam Levine will get him in the studio with the three of us at one point in the middle of recording when he's doing an answer. Justin, you're gonna sneak up behind him and we're gonna

make eye contact and I'll mouth one, two, three, go. You'll hit him with the chloroform and then I'm gonna tattoo a five on this fucker's body. I'm going to fix Adam Levine because right now his shit is broken. Okay, now, seriously. We got a really awesome new advertiser to tell you all about this week. It's Slipshine, which proudly publishes over 150 pages of fun, sex-positive, adult comics every month. This week, Mabin Bam listeners can get a special offer. Slipshine.net slash Mabin Bam. No first time sign up fee and you get a 10% discount on six-month and yearly subscriptions.

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so that when I open up that nature box, I can like fucking play the Zelda music behind it. Like, what am I gonna have in here? And also I don't want any of the snacks to have labels on them. I just want to have content that I can start eating. And no bags, just a loose box. Just a loose box of basically mystery gorp. And if the mailman could really just beat the shit out of the box, that would be great. Maybe drag it on the ground. A lot of people ask me what the Parmesan garlic pop pop sound like. So this is great. Oh, God. Oh, not that makes good radio like listening to someone gum on something. Hey, have you listened to Mbem-Bem? You can really hear the insides of Justin McRoy's cheeks. Naturebox.com slash my brother.

I have a message, very special message for Brian Lee. And it's from Amber who says, Hi, Blee. I know we don't have an official anniversary date. So let's just say it's today. Thanks for seven years of being cute and great all the time. You are my shining golden treasure. And I hope I haven't spoiled the surprise by the time you hear it. I love you a whole bunch, Amb. That's super great. I love that Amber probably wanted their anniversary date to be, let's say a month and a half to two months ago. No, we nailed this one. Oh, did we crush it? Yes. We hit the window. She asked for between March 8th and 14th. And we did it. First time, five years. Yeah. Stuck the landing. We have established a super precedent for the inaugural

date of your love. And I'm happy that we could be a part of this. And is the second Monday of every March. Well, I don't think it's not. It's not Hanukkah. It's not a federal holiday. Day's not going to wander around. Got a message for Brian Miskell from Julian, Sanford, Kate, Katie, and Lilla. Happy birthday. The most truthful Shelmer gotten ever to grace the American stage to a hunky boy and a mbm aficionado. So dedicated. He knows we're throwing big words in here just to hear Justin pronounce them. Says. Good says Krispid, Oh, Cessna, I. To an onstage crew, more euphodious than a macaroni, singing this vampire horse likes blood.

You're going to go far, man. Well, there you go. You fucking sicko. You got your job. Are you Happy now happy now. This is what you want says Justin I could really just listen to It would be like grammar girl starring Justin McRoy except you don't fucking know anything grammar goofas Kelsey grammar girl now this is a different show This would be a different show. This is the girl who loves Kelsey grammar This is a girl who sounds like a lot like Kelsey grammar, and it's just her reading the newspaper What about Kelsey girl Kelsey grammar girl fancast, okay?

We're going down the rabbit hole a little bit, but this is a fancast about Kelsey grammar girl This is dumb The Muppet show World War two the song I knew you were waiting for me by Aretha Franklin and George Michael so many great things have come from the Collaboration between the US and the UK, but never let us forget that at the heart of it all our two nations are deadly rivals Join me Dave Holmes for international waters a transatlantic panel game the pits comedians in London and comedians in Los Angeles Against each other. It's like the Revolutionary War But with like way more jokes about One Direction in Cinnabon find it in iTunes or at maximum fun.org

Dear brothers, I have recently developed a strange fear that when I'm in the shower the curtain with the curtain drawn There's a strange killer in the bathroom. That's about to kill me How may it will overcome this strange phobia so I can once again shower in peace Any help is appreciated as I've been carrying a fear in the corner of my shower peeking out every three seconds to make sure There's no knife-wielding maniac in my bathroom, and that's from Andrew. There's the thing Can I be honest the reason I included this question not only did a good question? I went through the same thing How did you how did you get out of it? It's the dorkiest shit But I would put a song on the radio that was too happy to be murdered

I was literally going to say Travis I was literally about to say throw some fucking Beyonce on your iPhone and just blast it because you're gonna first of all You're gonna love these tunes. I guarantee it Second of all you're gonna feel too fucking strong like you're gonna feel like if a killer did break into your room and fucking partition It's blasting and a driver walks in that room and and pulls back the shower curtain have it has a knife You're like I'm too fucking strong and way too fucking sexy to be killed in this shower right now And then you're just dancing in its face Yeah, her face or her face whatever whatever this this killer is that's going to try and kill you

You're going to be dancing around their flurry of stabs, and you're gonna be so fucking strong and awesome while you do it Honestly that works for Basically everything it's basically why Beyonce is like a goddamn phenomenon is because everybody just wants to not get killed in their shower Well, no, I'm saying it applies to fucking everything like running across the interstate like the hilarious bowfinger movie You put some fucking Beyonce on the cars will just sort of fly around you because you're too strong to be killed That nobody has ever died while listening to a Beyonce song because you're too strong and sexy and fucking powerful and awesome I have a better idea than your ideas. Okay for this. Mm-hmm Bring a knife into the shower. Oh

Never gonna see that coming. He pulls back the curtain like You're like rate yourself motherfucker and stab him right in the eye. Oh, okay. Let me one up that I go is out there Surprise the psychos in here with the Irish spring on him. Let me one of that Justin I'm gonna do the name of this fucking podcast A full-on home alone clown in the shower. What's that you're in the closet? You jump out of the closet to stab him. What the fuck he's a clown balloon. What's that on the ceiling Danny? Why do you smell so bad? I have a joint in three months

But I'm alive good news. Oh my clowns clean and my consciousness clear Is clean now all you single ladies come down to a stinky dude I don't need the Beyonce to keep me sane anymore I usually don't say to get me pumped up to kill somebody should they come into my shard of Sammy As long as they aren't a clown balloon and they are perched on the ceiling. Oh, no shit That's a second clown balloon. They double balloon the floor is a mirror the floor the whole time a mirror They are the house and then they eat me monster house The house was a metaphor for my childhood

Wait a second. This is all a dream, but it's not the killer's inside my dream I'm John Cusack Then all of a sudden the house is floating look up balloons. You're in up As he moved you're trapped in the television clicking through with your magical remote Sorry pleasantville. No, that was more of I think it was uh, no, it wasn't mom and dad save the universe I think you definitely meant pleasantville channel up next channel change channel channel changes channel changes you guys want a yahoo Yeah, this yahoo was sent in by John Williams. Thank you John Williams. It's by yahoo answers user Easton who asks What are some sexy foods besides hot dogs pickles, etc. I've

So it's off For example a hot dog a pickle well, you just said that so you're kind of being over it on it For example a hot dog a pickle a melon Those can all be used as another meaning What are some other foods then can be used that way wait wait wait wait this is posted in men's health Wait, wait, wait. I okay I thought this question asker was saying not hot dogs and pickles because of their inherently phallic nature But if they're trying to suggest if they're trying to suggest that saying like I want to be all over your hot dog

Is in any way sexual a they're the worst? Hey, hey, let me see that melon though my what? You're you're honey. Do my I like your melons. I gotta go. I have to leave. I'm having a pickle problem I'm just gonna name foods. All right, and you guys tell me gut instinct. Okay. Don't think about it Okay, gut instinct. Let me clear my mind things sexual or a sexual connotation or a euphemism whatever Sexual connotation to these foods. Here's what we need to back this up or is it just like gut reaction? Yes, or no No, yeah gut reaction. Yes, or no if I completely disagree with you I will I got kind of a hair trigger down there though, so

Chicken salad no no No, no, okay pretzels. Yes. No pretzel rods. Yes Anything any rod any cucumber rot well cucumber is I guess we're a chamber is just a rod shape. Okay cucumber. Yeah. Yes Jello. Yes. Yes jelly. Yes. Yes jam. Yeah, just saying. Okay. No, I'm not yes Just okay peanut butter. No. Yes, huh? Okay split decision on that. I'm into it half and half No, are you just looking at wait? Are you saying it's a split decision or the food happen?

I I'm not sure anymore. I want to read some of these answers and that have been submitted in response to this this yahoo Knights mystery Because one of them is the greatest and well, it's the worst thing it's a it's the worst paragraph ever pinned less offensive are Chocolate ding-dongs, obviously that's from bottom s Olivia says a host is Twinkie. They are tan ish and white creamy stuff comes out of them. Oh UOM says UOM says try a banana or a cumber How into cucumbers do you need hey, let me get some of those cumbers? Hey, you got any cumbers over there? Richie just says

cream Sorry what? Cream I want to read though this new American classic from spanky gazpacho DW mm-hmm This was rated the top answer It has four thumbs up zero thumbs down the asker gave it one out of five stars though, so it's a bit contentious It is not the answer that the asker wanted, but it is the answer they deserved

Spanky gazpacho DW says Say that name just eight more times spanky gazpacho DW that's an answer right there Yeah, and he was also my favorite little rascal spanky gazpacho DW says And please just let me get through this I Mango is really sexy Don't cut it up and eat it with a fork though You have to let the juice

Trip down your face and onto your naked rack You have to you have to suck on that You know Share it visually and expressively and then literally Nothing nothing better than a beautiful sweet mango smeared And slowly kissed and licked off What are you doing in there spanky not time to internet I'm researching

Come down for dinner. We're having mango for dessert. Oh Christ My boat it went inside I'm sharing it visually and expressively and then literally what is that mean spanky gazpacho DW? Can I just quickly like quick sidebar, I did a Google Roo of Spanky gazpacho. This is a unique individual haunting yahoo answers There is a question the top response response for quack spanky gazpacho is the question Does anybody here know someone that is nicknamed gazpacho?

Well, you do now top answer answer is from spanky gazpacho He says I see gazpacho that is that cold emotionless acidic tomato-based soupy guy Gazi that got all suspended by Yamster on Christmas Day Obviously a beaten-up individual bruised by years of haunting not like a sweet juicy dribbling tropical mango man Smothered with affection from caring and giving strangers who have taken him under their wing A truly one-sided fair for which he is overwhelmingly the person who takes the benefit of other selflessness What what wait is this motherfucker just like a like a profit for mangoes? I think this motherfucker is an artificial intelligence who is a very slowly and

Surprisingly sensually becoming self-aware Are you telling me right now? that Spanky gazpacho is create is was created in a laboratory absolutely a lab Okay, I buy it. Is it possible that what the deal is is that spanky gazpacho represents everything? That's wrong with humanity and he realizes or she realizes that Mango that mango boy or whatever she they said was the other person is all the good, right? And while they're in a constant locked struggle with their icy nature versus the juicy nature

Spanky gazpacho also realizes the beauty and wonder that is mango and wishes They could just be closer to them, but knows that their yin and yang like structure stops them from ever actually consummating the relationship That was Travis The fucking craziest thing you've ever said We have done this podcast for 240 and you literally just created a goddamn

bonkers religion Mm-hmm around some wack yahoo answers shit that you just found I'm just saying that it's easy for us to judge when we don't know the whole story Okay, I'll do I'll test that theory. You're an insane person. Okay, you're right. That was easy I judged you like that, but you know, I was I was having a dissociative episode while you were talking because I was so Unable to process the words coming out of your mouth. Well this podcast is like is now officially this episode I thought we had some pretty good stuff Adam Levine goose. I'm into it now It's the ring and if you listen

Well, you know what what you said was so fucking weird You know what history will prove one of us right and one of us wrong Justin It's gonna prove you right because Justin's gonna be fucking dead and so am I and so is our millions of listeners unless they get somebody else to Listen to our podcast. This is not me because mango will have welcomed me into their arms This spot showy planet It's cold and icy human beings. This is great viral marketing I guess unless all of our listeners die in which case it's bad viral marketing Oh, we have one more money zone from the mango council

Folks, thank you so much for listening to my brother my brother and me Want to say a huge thanks to Nature Boxer and get your free sample box with great tasting wholesome sex like bbq Kettle kernels go to nature box dot or fuck those get some parmesan garlic pop pops Well, don't say don't say fuck those about the bbq cattle You could try some mango almond bites or mango fruit juice or some dried mango What's the man go all all available dry mango is not gonna give you the kind of juice that you need to Perform your fucking sacrament You're gonna have to get the dried mango and then soak it in the holy wine overnight

What's the holy? I'll I'll post all the instructions on the Facebook page This is the unit nature box comm slash my brother This isn't even like idiosyncratic and like wow what a weird tangent they went off on Which is what I think all of our listeners sound like apparently in my head. This is like this is like Travis you are on some like Charles Manson shit, right? And I'm like wicked uncomfortable with it. Yeah, I don't even think it's funny. I don't think it's funny It's fucking terrifying. Yeah. I don't know what you want me to say like I I don't even know where these words are coming from

It's like some greater force is just speaking through me. You know what I mean? I just open my mouth and the wisdom comes out For all of like three months, and you're already finding founding Scientology Too it's like it's discovered like some fucking some fucking curves and angles that are alien to our world like this motherfucker is like on some fucking Miskatonic shit like Like crazy cult shit like a new color between orange and yellow that's just been there the whole time You're on some fucking fucking rats in the wall shit, and I'm losing my mind

I will never at the mouth of mango. That's where you're at. We're all it's a teetering on the mouth of mango right now I I'll never stop doing this podcast for for my entire life as long as all three of us are alive will continue to do this podcast that's my promise to you. I wish to god this could be our final episode This would be the best the craziest Finale of a podcast ever worse than Seinfeld Hands-down zero stars would not recommend f-maius I hope this is the episode that somebody gives to a friend. It's like man. You gotta listen to show you gotta listen to show

Oh god, I'm safe Get it Uh We're doing two live shows if you're not dead if you go to MB and BAM Chicago Bit.ly for such MB and BAM Chicago doing a show there on April 5th Yeah, I'm owns bit.ly for such MB and BAM or sorry bit.ly for such M.I.L. MB and BAM And that'll let you get tickets for a show at Turner Hall ballroom in Milwaukee tickets that are basically

Almost sold out like so if you hear this and you want to go like go get tickets right now because they are Well, I mean out of last count. Where were they they were? Yeah, we have like 10 left And we're also doing a show in Minnesota or in Minneapolis, but we're already sold out on that one But we do need questions for all three shows. So if you're going to be at the shows Send us an email In MB and BAM at maximum fun org And make sure to put in the subject line like for Chicago live show for Minneapolis live show or for Milwaukee live show So we make sure to ask the questions at the right ones that you're gonna be at

We'll also be taking some audience questions Which if you haven't been to a live show in the past come with the question ready not a bummer It's got to be happy and an actual question for advice not something like You know, why do you think such-and-such did such-and-such we've got a couple of those questions this week Which they're very funny to read, but they're not very actionable as far as advice goes I want to thank John Roderick in the long winters who use for a theme song as a departure off the album putting the days to bed It is a terrific album I'm still waiting on that new shit someday some ever gonna get I was listening to the other night having a dinner party

My friends like cool album. I was like, thanks. I didn't record it, but I purchased it No, you should just say you recorded it. I'm John. I am John Roderick We got Max Fun Drive coming up It starts the 16th and it runs for two weeks Max Fun Drive is your opportunity to support all of the amazing Max Fun shows And it's our chance to give you some of our best content of the year And if you become a new donor or if you upgrade your donation, you're gonna get some really incredible Pledge gifts in the past there's been things like tote bags and like really cool like Max Fun engraved tumblers and stuff like that So there's all different levels of donation and all of it helps

And so starting the 16th running for two weeks We're gonna ask you to really step up and to commit some to some monthly donations And we'll keep doing awesome shows and entertaining you for the year So don't miss it. Don't miss it. Just keep an eye on maximumfun.org for all the details and and like Grow it like we we have been able to grow not just like this show where we've been able to like plan and do live show mini tours and stuff like that but like stuff like the adventure zone and Bunker buddies and saw bones like we have started doing all of that stuff since we joined Max Fun because we have the

Like the freedom and the support to do it because of these donations like quite literally like because of the donations Like I was able to move here and advance a lot of stuff for all of our podcasts and start a lot of new stuff So like it really does go to support the shows you love. Yeah Thank you all. Thank you all very very speaking of go listen to the other Max Fun shows My brother my brother me you already listen to but check out the adventure zone. Did you just say my brother my brother me? Oh, my brother. Yeah, I'm Griffin at this point. I'm doing three Max Fun podcasts. It's always hard to keep track of which show I'm doing at any given time So adventure zone where we played D&D with our dad

We're gonna have some special pledge drive episodes coming up with that Bunker buddies that I do with Andy Bolt where we talk about survival stuff Justin does saw bones. I have been on a saw bones saw bones binge lately Listen to like eight episodes in the last two days. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. He does that with his wife, Sydney It's a comedy medical show about like the blacked-up history of medicine. It's really amazing It's Teresa's favorite show on the network Yeah, Rachel's too, I think That's cool. So listen to those listen to flop house listen to throwing shade listen to all the amazing Max Fun shows

Yeah, here's a final yahoo for you. Don't leave home without it. This yahoo was sent in by level 400,000 yah drew drew it drew Davenport. It's a lot of Drew's in there now. Thank you Drew. It's by yahoo answers user They something's gone wrong. It says I haven't seen this error message before but I'm highlighting Their name to see what the name is and all I'm getting is sorry. It appears something's gone wrong Yeah, something's gone terribly wrong because I'm on yahoo answers fucking professionally Anyway, this mystery user asks My son acts like Kramer from Seinfeld. Should I be worried? My name is Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. This is my brother my brother and they kiss your dad

I Maximum fun or comedy and culture artist owned listener supported. I'm Jesse Thorne I'm Jordan Morris the federal government has millions of dollars in programs and opportunities that you need to seize today You're a taxpayer, right? Well, then you've got it coming. Thanks to Uncle Sam You can learn to get grants for education learn to ride a llama print money the old-fashioned way Force your dog to stop being so rambunctious Make a souffle that sets and stays set mount the heads of your enemies on spikes Grind your own corrective lenses

Using just rock salt and diamonds for all of this and more drop us a line Don't wait right now Jordan Jesse go one two three iTunes Street or wherever you download podcasts