My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 247: Tangled Up in Carl

Episode Date: April 13, 2015

Please, while you're listening to (and hopefully enjoying) this episode, spare a thought - a prayer, even - for Justin's dry, dry mouth. He's going through a lot right now, specifically with regards to his soda deficiency. Suggested talking points: Wet Mouth, Marc Ecko Good, Snake Expertise, Workout Pizza, Jokes on Demand, Arby's Street Fight

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother. My brother means advice show for the modern era. My name is Justin McElroy, and I'm your oldest brother? My name is Middler's brother, and I'm Travis your brother. I'm your sweet baby brother Griffin Rock and Roll McElroy.

I have an emergency that needs to be addressed immediately. Is it Travis's microphone? Travis's microphone is fine. Don't see you fucking draw people's attention to it, now they can't answer this. I think they'll figure out the next topic. No, you did the same thing with the person mowing the lawn, and you were like, they'll hear it, they'll hear it. And then we got a million complaints, and now I'm going to get a million tweets saying, why was Travis recording on a fucking talk boy?

Why was he recording on a goddamn yak bag? Can I get to my emergency? Do your bit. It's not a bit, it's life or death. We are recording, we have one hour to record the best show of our lives. It's kind of like the movie Speed, we're under a deadline. And right before, like right once the call had started, and we had started the recording, I reached for my can of crisp, refreshing Pepsi Max, and realized that it was empty.

Oh my god. Brothers, I have no beverages. Can you hear it already? I can, you're getting all creaky and croaky, like some sort of mountain man, like some sort of man made it like cleft into a mountain face. Oil kid, Pepsi Max. Yeah. Pepsi Max for me.

It's not inaccurate, because once while living in Chicago, I had to change my license plate, but the screws were rusted on, and I fucking used Pepsi Max to dissolve the, to dissolve that, that rust right off there. And it works. There you go. That's the thing you can do, but I'm like. And you're putting that, you're putting that in your shit box, Justin. So just food for thought.

I'm freaking out though, like I'm freaking out because I have no beverage, and I must record a comedy podcast with no drink at all. Yeah. As those of you who are at the Midwest live shows know, I'd need a certain sort of drink for those, but I'm just talking about like a general beverage. Yeah, like a wet. Like a wet fluid. I'm freaking out.

I'm already thinking about exit strategies. Hey, Justin, we're going to make it through this together. And I just, I know that you're in a panic state, but I do have to point out that the movie Speed did not involve them having to drive for an hour, or else the film would have been called Duration. But it would have been great though if it was like, we have to drive for an hour because that's the closest store that has Pepsi Max. I have two other qualifying factors to this.

One, I ate three spicy buffalo wheat fins before I realized the beverage situation. And also I have a bowl of leftover Honey Nut Cheerios milk that is next to me. And this episode for me is about not drinking it because I am. I'm worried I'm going to get desperate. You know what I mean? Like without a beverage. So when we hear the sound, the telltale sound of sloppy slapping coming from your. And there it goes.

Not yet. Not yet. I'm not. I can't do it. Jesus, take the wheel as specifically from Justin. And when you say leftover Cheerios, it's five o'clock. It's five p.m. Somewhere specifically sitting for a while.

Oh God. Damn it. Don't. Don't do it, Justin. I'm not going to do it. Ask your question instead. This is an advice show for the modern era. I should have mentioned before.

Also a quick thank you to everybody who came to those shows. We'll be trickling those out over the next few months, I'm assuming. So if we make like recurring jokes, they were recorded in three nights in succession. But thank you to everybody who came out. That was a lot of fun. I think the I think the only thing we'll probably end up referring back to from the trip was the time that we did a live show that two people, two and a half people got engaged. Sorry.

Four and a half people. Five people got engaged at our Milwaukee live show. Speaking of live shows, I believe we'll be announcing a new batch of those at the end of this episode. Holy shit, will we? That is correct. Yeah, we will. Yes, we will.

Serendipity. Stay tuned. Stay tuned. Where's it going to be? They're already gone. They all fast forwarded. You guys want to kick it for a little while? So I have time to go grab a drink.

Fuck, no you don't. Let's hit some answers, dawg. All right, let's get some answers going. Here we go. First, I want to tell you guys about I was watching Survivor last night. You guys watched Survivor? Oh, fuck yeah. Well, we got time to chat.

There was an amazing moment on Last Night Survivor where Jeff was like, it was the reward challenge and Jeff Probe says, and once you get to the end of that zipline, what's going to be waiting for you is a picnic. And these adults were like, woo. And then Jeff Probe's adds a pizza picnic. These 13 adults lose their minds. Like the idea of a pizza picnic was so thrilling to them that they were willing to climb or solve or whatever Jeff had, swallow whatever Jeff had in store for them.

They had to get to that pizza picnic. I get it. One guy was trying to decide somebody else to take on the trip and this woman was like, super fan of what? Pizza? Picnics? Yeah, all of us are. Yeah, all of us.

That describes all of us. Super fan of pizza, picnics? Or do you mean survivor as in as if to say that somehow qualifies you more? What's your favorite part of survivor? Ooh, definitely when they eat pizza on it. I like the parts of survivor when they visit like developing nations and they bring school books to the kids. Oh, so enriching this cultural exchange.

You're welcome. And then they have a secret meal. They always have a secret meal before or after that they don't invite the native peoples too. That's just the secret secret American meal. Anyway, here's the questions. I have several jobs where I lost and found bins would fill up with pretty nice clothes that stayed there for months on them. My question is too full.

First, oh, oh, I caught a mouth. First, what is the statute of limits? What if I got like really good at pronunciation in my problem? Yeah, that's the secret. Your mouth is too wet. In that case, a moist mouth though. A moist mouth. What is the statute of limitations on lost and found items?

How long do I have to wait until I can claim one as my own? Second, what is the statute of limitations on wearing clothes to work that I scored from lost and found at work? That's from free clothes in California. There's an important factor here. Do you think, and of course they can't answer because that's not how this communication system works, but do you think that this is a job in which they are pretty sure that the clothing are left by customers or left by other people that work there?

Or it is left by the CEO or whatever boss like figure exists in this establishment who just stocks the lost and found with tight looking clothes to make them think that they have a certain level of clientele coming in that can just laxidasically leave their clothes lying around. And so they think the business is doing very, very well. Is that a Mark Echo hoodie? Nice. Nice.

We're doing great. We're pulling in that Mark Echo money apparently. I know we laid off 14 people last week, but I guess we're doing Mark Echo good. Are those Dolce and Gabbana jams? War those into the store. We are attracting quite the clientele here. Maybe it's a test. What?

What? What? How could this be, brothers? How are people leaving their fucking clothes behind? But that's what I'm saying, because if it's customers, I totally get it. Because that's the kind of thing where it's like, did I leave it at the movies? Did we went out for coffee? Where did I leave my hoodie?

That thing. But if you work there, then you're like, okay, I had it when I got to work. I didn't have it when I got home. Where's my Oxford shirt? I wore it to work and I got home and I didn't have it on. Was I robbed? Where's my sweet Under Armour workout clothes? Where are my pants?

I went to see Fifty Shades of Grey and then I... Oh, okay. Now I remember. I'm resolved. I took my pants off and jerked off into it. I was trying to do a more tasteful Prairie Home Compagnie style bit about that, Griffin. But that's fine if you want to get Jerky Boys Ranch in the episode.

That's fine. I don't see it. Let's take your peanut butter and my chocolate and jerk off into it. It's me, Garrison Keeler. Nailing it. Your toilet's running. You better go catch Prince Albert. Cranks.

Jerky. Jerky. It's Garrison Keeler. I got red shoes. Jerky. I'm going to call you sing a fake song about biscuits, Jerky. Jarvis, are you okay? What?

You sound very... You sound the sickest I've ever heard a person sound. No, that's my old man, Jerky Boy. That's my Jerky Men. Your Jerky Keeler. Okay. I just got worried about you for a second. I've been ill lately and I haven't been able to drink many beverages, Jerky.

Wow. It's like a very lucid death rattle. Do you guys want a Yahoo? It sounds like a disease that should be named after him. Time I love ones, I'll miss them, Jerky. I've got terminal Jerky Keeler. How about a Yahoo answer? Yeah, what's that?

It's a service where people barf onto the internet and people scrape it up and present it to me. Like dogs. We lap it up and shit out jokes. Uh-huh. Thank you to Matt Estevez, who scraped this barf up and presented it to me like a proud dog. It's by Yahoo Answers. So we have this dead bird to our doorstep. It's by dead bird Ethan who asks, best non-beginner snake?

I am getting a new snake, but I don't want an amateur level snake, such as a ball python or corn snake. Update, I have a budget of $400. Update, please help, snake attack. Okay, slightly less on the expertise scale. Something between ball python and the anaconda from anaconda. Maybe you go with snake pliskin. He requires a lot of care and feeding and he's always trying to escape.

That's a challenge. His depth perception is terrible. So don't. Let me try some sort of solid snake. Just one long solid snake. Yeah, don't try and get any liquid snakes. I always wondered about that. That's not a good code name for like a super super duper spy.

Otacon, I'm out of rats. Timmy hasn't come back to feed me. Yeah. Do you think that that was a subtle reference to like solid snake was like a boner? Like I saw Debbie last night, she was like, real good. I got a real solid snake. I'm not going to fucking yes and this shit. If you want to see it through to its natural conclusion, that's on you.

No, I'll do a whole self dialogue about it. You're saying Hideo Kojima was like, what can we do? What can we name this person that will be the most dude studliest name imaginable? And it's like, how about Guy Hardcock? And no, can we get something with a little bit more illusion than that? Something a little bit more, a little bit more prairie home companion, a little bit less jerky boys.

I really like the idea of somebody like looking at somebody else with a ball python and being like, can I can I ask an important question though? How do you measure snake expertise? How do you? Here's here's my snake expertise. Do you want to know what it is? I've never been bitten by a snake. So I think I'm pretty fucking good at it.

Right? I think I'm pretty good at things. I live in Texas. It's not out of the round of possibilities. I've seen a snake. When you when you buy a snake, actually give you a little counter that you hang on the wall and says like days since swallowed. Right.

And if you and it ticks up every day and if you get to like a hundred, that seems like a pretty good streak. You're ready for the next level. You get to cash that card in and they're like, oh, when a hundred days, okay, here's the king cobra. But you eat well, you will. King cobras can be sweethearts, actually, if you milk them properly. I think the the hardest thing about owning a snake would be learning to overcome the urge. Like when you see the snake, when you walk into a room like, give me an axe.

Yeah, it's a it's a snake. I'm going to kill it. Well, I bought you. Do you guys want to hear a fun, a fun true snake anecdote? Is it even remotely funny? Yeah. Bob and Bradbury and Teresa and I. Not gonna be as funny as that.

We went to the Cincinnati Zoo. Okay. And we were walking around. We were drinking some beers. We were getting a mild zoo drunk. They have that? Yeah. And we walked into the reptile house.

And as we walked in, I passed this tiny bearded gentleman who was who was wearing a zoo staff shirt, panicking at a door. And he just turned to me with no preface and said, hold this and dumped a giant snake in my arms and turned back to the door. And his key had gotten stuck in the door and he was panicking, which did not put me at ease. But then you let me standing there with no explanation. Travis, there is no way this happened. This did not happen at a professional zoo.

I picture proof of it. Was it, was it a zoo or was it like a dream zoo in your mind? A dream zoo that you dreamed. No, this was real. And I, it was fucking terrifying. What kind of snake was it? It was a yellow one. Oh, maybe a San Francisco garter snake.

Maybe it was a corn snake. No, he was bigger than that. He seemed, he had a mean look in his eye. How, um, what do you do with your old snake when you, because you obviously can't keep these snakes together. Snakes hate each other so much. You know why snakes are so fast is they have to be fast. As soon as they're born, their mom turns around and is like, swallow gulp.

They are the gulpinist animals around. And for that reason, I have a sinister love for them. But what do you do when you get a new, harder snake? You have to match your snake to a novice. I guess that's true. There's probably a Craigslist like chapter. A chapter of Craigslist just full of old snakes. Just old basic snakes.

You got a real basic snake there. Do you get snake trade in credit? If you trade in your- At snake stop. At snake stop. Do you get snake trade in credit for your all year snakes? Hey, I guess you'll never believe it. We got a Western hog nose drop in next month.

That's really going to blow your mind. Do you want to reserve it? And we also can sell you a subscription to snake informer for $15 a month. It's a really great deal. And that's going to get you 10% off the Taiwan beauty snake. I start brushing up on your flute, because we've got some of those scary vipers and baskets. You ready for the next level?

Mario's out of the gate. I'm bad at this. Yeah. My girlfriend and I attend Planet Fitness regularly. The first Monday of every month, they provide free pizza? Okay. Dude, my worst- Okay, well, okay, wait.

Dude, my- My girlfriend and I attend Planet- Again, it's not going to make this goddamn sentence make any more fucking sense. The first Monday of every month, they provide free pizza? Why does a gym have a fucking cheat date built? I guess I get it. Like, make them feel like pizza garbage, and then get them up on those fucking ellipticals or whatever.

People- I guess it's like people who are like, God, it's so hard to get to the gym. And someone's like, well, once a week, it is not. Once a week, it's very easy. There is a pre-scheduled pizza picnic. Anyway, due to my work schedule, we can only get there at the tail end of the pizza offerings, and we don't want to eat then work out.

So is it okay to just go eat some pizza and leave? Are we good? That's from Planet Pizza in Pennsylvania. What is happening? What the fuck? I mean, you're lying to us. Hey, guys, 420, you're lying to us, which I don't appreciate, because there's no way that-

Why would it- No, there's no- Unless it's like fucking flatbread- You know, what did they call it? Oh, yeah, okay. Squatezza, it's like square flat pizza. It's like a pizza flatbread. Yeah, flatbread.

I'm pretty much over it, by the way. There was flatbread at every hotel we went to. That's pizza. You're either pizza or shit. Like, just be pizza flatbread. Stop trying to sound healthier than you are. Yeah. There was a flatbread at one of the hotels that had marinara,

pepperoni, and cheese on it. Hey, hey, you're a pizza. Travis has sent us an image. Travis wants to send us an image file. We're going to look at this. And Travis has just sent us a picture of him with a snake. Sorry, Travis, didn't mean to doubt you. That wasn't alive, but this fucking workout pizza definitely still is.

I don't underst- Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. What if this isn't like a Planet Fitness promotion because that, again, is fucking patently insane? Maybe one person who works at Planet Fitness buys a pizza for themselves every week to enjoy, and then leaves the room and comes back and is like, again, Yogi, I'm going to get you.

You got me, Pizza Thief. Somebody keeps, like, TNT Ninja Turtles-ing me. They scarf my za. I have a more sinister theory, and that is that there's a sort of panopticon that exists in the Planet Fitness universe, where it's probably the most- A personal panopticon? A personal panopticon, a network of surveillance

for Mr. Fitness himself, the owner of the whole franchise, once a month can just watch people just slam down on some pizza in his place of business, and the denial of pizza from himself gives him the rage in a solid snake like you could ever imagine a human being having. And it's like fucking, it's a super fit and muscular boner, and it's like the best one that anyone can possibly get, and the only way he can get it is through his big brother style pizza surveillance system. Is it possible that this is a honeypot that they're trying to keep you

needing the Planet Fitness services for longer? How's his progress going, Jeremy? It's going pretty good, Phil Fitness. I think he's just about really fit. Well, unleash the za. And then he orders pizza from a store. Right, that's it. By unleashing it, he gets another place to make it.

Don't tip very well. Planet Fitness isn't doing super great. I'm not made of money, Jeremy. Is it possible- We're single-topping, Jeremy. Is this like a muscle confusion, like a tummy confusion type of thing? Whereas your tummy's like, oh fuck yeah, thanks Griffin. We're taking it to pizza town.

Why are you running? Why are you running? I want to watch all the episodes of Parks and Recreation and just chill. For once. For once, I thought we were going to play persona on the couch and now you're running. He confused me. Oh man, I just lost 30 pounds, thanks Griffin. I think that the problem with that is that your tummy upon sensing the workout,

this is the way the body works, your tummy upon sensing the workout is like, oh no, the pizza, I've got to hold on to it. Stay with me, pizza, don't run away. So your tummy's going to hold all that pizza, it's not going to digest it. Because it's so worried about losing those precious pizza calories. Exactly, that's exactly right Justin. Because when you're like running on a treadmill, you know what's happening? That pizza's just falling out of you.

Just falling out of your tummy. And so your tummy's going to hold on tight. Stay in me, stay in me, I love you pizza. You guys run another Yahoo? I think you've picked a bad place to get fit and I think you should change. Look, this question should end with, should I change gyms? Because this is a bad one apparently, where they serve pizza to people. I think it sounds like the best possible gym.

I can't believe that was into Yahoo. Yeah, that's a really weird situation to find yourself in. That was a human being question. Wait, wait, we didn't actually answer it? Oh, fucking absolutely not. It's like you can't go to church on Donut Sunday and slam those donuts and then say, I don't need to hear the Lord's word this week later. I got my donuts and like through them, I channeled the Lord's good blessing.

This Yahoo was sent in by recognize the game of Rachel Sprarling. Thank you, Rachel. It's by Yahoo Answers user SDXZXZ, didn't even try. Who asks? Ladies, I bring my guitar almost everywhere to impress women. Does this work? For example, if I go to a party or a store, I'll usually bring my case with me. And if I see a woman I like, I will get it out and play it hoping she hears.

What I don't understand is why it doesn't seem to work. The other day, I was at Target, the most attractive woman I've seen in years was shopping and got my guitar out and played Wonderwall, but she didn't come over. I went and asked her out and she said, no. Don't women love guitar players? Confused right now. It's worked a few times, but not as often as I thought my coworkers like it at least. My coworkers at the weed store love it.

I think the problem is song choice. You have to pick the right song that's going to lure them in. I personally have always found that Bob Dylan's, I know how to use this thing between my legs. Real good. Would you like to try it out sometime off of Bob Dylan unplugged and unrecorded? Give me a good. It's just a person telling you about how great that album was. Can you give me a few bars of I know how to use this thing between my legs?

Look between my legs and you're going to see the thing that I'm talking about. It's so this is early and I'm guessing this is before he goes electric, but right around when he went eclectic. He did a lot of novelty hits. I know how to use this thing between my legs. And then do you want to see how I use it on you? It's good. This is a song about vaginas to it's all inclusive.

No matter what you want to use, I know how to use it on you. So Bob Dylan. Tangled up in blue. What happened there? Later that song. No, that actually that was a mishap with a blue cable. His penis got tangled up into it. He removed it surgically.

His penis and his vagina. It gives me a great idea. Your Dylan sounds a little irkly. Just a curder. Just a little bit. You sound like Billy Bob from the Rock of Fire explosion. Can I get some cheese please? Did I do that?

Did I do that? Tangled up in Carl. You're going to make me stuff on when you go. I'm trying to I'm trying to I'm trying to figure out if I don't know more Dylan songs or don't know more Irkle. It's hard to make the two. Apparently I know exactly the same. Matter of fact.

That means you just store them in the same filing cabinet in your brain. Right. All this over here. Let's see what's stored in here. Looks like this is Dylan references and Irkle quotes. I don't know why these got filed together. So thirsty. Should we go to the money zone so you can get a fucking drink?

Yeah, you guys do this. Our first sponsor today is me undies. You're tired of a drought down there or you're tired of moisture down there. I should say I guess like the opposite problem from what I have in my mouth right now. Then you're going to need a pair of me undies. They're magical underwear. They're not magical. Sorry.

They're they're the most comfortable underwear that you are ever going to put on. They fit great. They don't write up and they actually pull moisture away from your skin. It could be cool and dry. Can you prove they're not magical? Is there is there is there substantial proof that they're not magical because I'm I'm betting if you put these like over a dead goose it'll come back to life. They're mad.

There's magic everywhere. I'm telling you right now that I'm wearing me undies and they feel pretty dang magical. On my zone. I'm not our policy of not informing our brothers of what is touching our digs at You guys hold your ears. Hold your ears brothers. Okay. Okay.

It's touching my dig right now and it feels terrific. I'm not wearing me undies. I'm ashamed to admit I'm not wearing me undies right now. I'm wearing some store brand boxer briefs and it feels like I'm sitting on a fucking man witch. It's just sloppy and terrible down there. Me undies. Have you checked? Me undies.

Yeah. Or you may be. Note that me undies will not protect you if you sit on a man witch. Five percent of people are sitting on a man witch at any point in the world and they don't know it. You're really short selling these me undies Justin because you don't know if that's true or not. That's true Griffin. meundies.com slash my brother is going to save you 20% off.

This level of quality would normally cost you twice as much as you're going to pay at me undies and now you can save even more. Go to meundies.com slash my brother and get 20% off your first order and you're going to get free shipping. Save you even more when you buy a pack. So go get them. We hear from people all the time about how much they love me undies and you should get on that list. We also want to tell you it's a favorite of ours.

It's a favorite of Max funds. I'm sure you've heard all about it. But in case you haven't in case you are maybe new to the world were you just born baby. Well then listen up. We're going to tell you about Harry's. Harry's is a razor supply company. Is that the best way to describe it? Would you say a razor giver.

A razor giver. But you do have to you do have to pay for them. I'm sorry. They don't just give you them. Yes. Just like in the giver you have to pay for your memories. My brother my brother and he's sponsored by Harry's dot com. We love them.

We shave our faces with them. Harry's razor is off our high quality shave. There's better for your face and your wallet. We've all been there. We've all walked into the we won't use any brand name stores here. But let's say the BVS and we've said like a razor. And they had all greens. All greens the fruits.

That's probably fine. Fruits is fine. You can probably reference fruits. Fuck fruits though. Ride aid. Fuck you too. You're done. More like a wrong aid.

And then you go to the person in the county. You say I want a razor. They unlock it for you. They ring it up and it's like $40. And you're like that's BS. BS. Then they take one of the razors out. They cut themselves with it.

Just to show you that these are in fact very sharp blades. And they cut themselves on the arm with it. And you feel really guilty about that. I don't want to watch another person cut their arm with the razor that I'm ostensibly going to use later. Just to prove to me that it's sharp enough. It's not. It's not right.

You've spent $40 and you've lost a little bit of yourself. Yeah. Yeah. Well, what have I told you? You could get from Harry's a starter set for just $15. Whoa. I know. And it includes a razor foaming shave gel or shave cream

and three razor blades plus free shipping. We're going to give it to you for $10. If you go to harrys.com, you get $5 off the starter set with the code mybrother, all one word. You're going to get it for $10. That's such a good deal. Start shaving better today. harrys.com, my brother.

Got a, this is a new one for us. A friend of the show by which I mean a listener who gave us money. I'm going to introduce you to a listener named Chance Gibbs. Here's a message from Chance. He's an English teacher who has lost 175 pounds. That's right. 175 pounds. As you can imagine, extra skin hangs off me like a flappy flag when there's no breeze.

It's not cute. I've done all the hard work to lose weight. Now I need the help of the big for yourself. Yeah. Daddy like to rate the, he needs to help from our army to raise $33,000. He needs to get that extra skin removed. Go to bit.ly forward slash chance needs surgery. That's bit.ly forward slash chance needs surgery and kicking some cash.

And he's going to send you some of the skin they can. No, and I got to say 33,000 seems a little steep. I think I could probably get that shit off you for maybe a good. No problem at all. 1500. I could probably do about 1500 for you if you want. Uh, yeah. Oh, sorry.

Did you want to be alive afterwards? So you didn't want to live through it, did you? Oh, okay. Well, if you want to be alive through it, you may want to do this 33K option. If you donate, if you donate a $12,000, he'll explain the ending of lost to you. Oh, so that's, you got that look for it. Because the secrets are hidden in his folds. Go to bit.ly forward slash chance needs surgery.

And peel back one of the folds and says, here's why there were only four toes on that statue. Thank you for visiting my skin. My skin palace. Griffin, what's the next message? This final yahoo. Wow. What? No.

This final message is for the people of earth. I just read it. I'm going to just take a fucking sprinting leap at it. The fiery chasms in front of us, the exit rocket ship, the escape pod is right in front of us. We have to jump over the pit. I'm running this message is for the people of earth. And it's from Chris who says, TP from a bonghole. So if you've ever spent $100 and think, oh, I just wasted it.

You have not wasted it the worst that anybody's ever wasted the $100. I don't know what you're talking about. That is solid. That was solid goof. I got to be explicitly clear here. The message is parenthetical to the tune of welcome to the jungle in parenthetical TP from my bonghole. Solid.

That's the whole bit, Chris. Solid. It's money well spent. I did as good as I could. I still got a little bit of a sore throat from the live show. Do you want me to try? Yeah. I have him.

I'm worried that your TP from a bonghole. Was that better? No. A little too high? Let me try. Maybe a little. You went about a two octaves too high on that one. Yep.

TP for my bonghole. Nailed it. That's somebody's new text message alert. Hi, I'm Julie Sabatier, host of Rendered. It's a show about making meaning and breaking rules. We're answering important questions like, can you build a spacesuit in your living room? I went to my brother's place in Beaverton and he has a swimming pool and I pressurized the suit and sat down there underwater for about 10 minutes.

The thing that I built was supporting my life. That felt really good. What does it sound like when you play a polka record through a Styrofoam cup? And what happens when an airport carpet gains a cult following? Oh my goodness. The carpet has an Instagram. Check out Rendered now at Maximumfun.org or wherever you like to listen to podcasts. I've been doing comedy for about a year now and I find that more and more I'm being introduced to

people as a comedian. How do I deal with the dreaded, oh, you're a comedian. Tell me a joke. Let me try that again. Oh, you're a comedian. Tell me a joke. And that's from that's from Mrs. Bighead from Rocco's Modern Life. It was she asked you.

I don't feel the need to prove my merits to the mortish people who ask this. You sound funny. But what I like to hear you three do in this situation, you must get this crap once in a while. What am I? A joke jukebox is the name of that question. You actually don't get a lot when you say, like, I'm a podcaster. Right. Oh, then podcast for me.

I have literally in my life never described myself as a comedian in my fucking life. I would never do that. No, not a crazy thing to say. Like no one's like, oh, I'm a baker. And like no one's like, oh, you're a baker. Bake something for me right now. I need some fucking banana bread now. Let's see what you got, motherfucker.

Here's some yeast. Oh, you're a butcher. Kill this dog. Kill this dog in front of me. Whoa, wait. You can't just say shit, butcher. Wait, you're a sociopath? Here, prove it on this bird.

Sicko. I mean, I never would say, like, I don't let anybody know that I'm supposed to do jokes on the internet. Like, I just never tell anybody. That's my workaround. I tell people, people ask what I do. I say, I write about video games and then I just watch as the interest drains from their face.

You can, it's like sand from an hourglass. Yeah. The conversation just fizzles out. Like I can't fire someone just dump Gatorade on. Sometimes I'll just start explaining the rules to Magic the Gathering until they walk away. In excruciating detail. Oh, what do I do?

Great question. Great question. So here's how resources work. You're going to want to tap your mana and then, oh man. I feel like the appropriate response to this is if someone's like, oh, you're a comedian. Tell me a joke. You just go like, no.

And then you like say anything else. That seems good, Trev. Well, I mean, like, what are they going to say if they're like, no, I said, tell me a joke. This has been classic conversation enders with Travis McRoy. Who, who is this person? Who, who is this person that is, this is not a joke, by the way.

It'd be great if you busted out like some Seinfeld shit. Like I'm about to. But who is, who is this person that hears your comedian and then responds with, tell me a joke. What, what person exists that does that? No, I can't. It's beyond the fucking pale that anybody would ever do this to you enough to give you this psychosis that you've obviously developed.

I imagine not being a comedian myself, that it's the kind of job title that when you say it, people are immediately incredulous. Because it's not like you could say like, I'm a teacher and people are just like, okay, why would you lie about that? But imagine if you say like, oh, I'm like a comedian professionally. I think as people have a hard time believing that they might actually meet somebody who is funny professionally.

You know what I mean? So they feel the need to like, oh, really prove it. Which is like the worst. I had an experience along these lines yesterday. I called sort of like a customer service place about something that's too boring to recount. And a guy asked, you know, how, how is doing? And I said, well, I'm a little tired.

I just got back from, I was doing a, I was in these cities, you know, in the Midwest. He said, what are you doing? And I was like a little tour. My brother was, and I do a comedy show because he said he was in Minneapolis, right? So that's what prompted it. No, I remember.

And he said, well, I wish I'd heard about that. I would have tried to make it out. Which is like, really? Really? What up? I think that would have been a weird show for you to come out to. But like, I appreciate it. And then he adds, yeah, I mean, everybody needs to laugh.

And I was like, yeah. Yeah. It doesn't laugh. Especially you, it sounds like. I guess, yeah. Like how, how bad do you need to laugh where you hear about a comedy show from three chuckleheads you've never heard of and thought, man,

I wish I could have made it out. Damn, that sounds fucking good. I wish I could have gone to that thing with no context whatsoever. I know it was just a pleasantry, but man, it was a breeze too far. You should have held them to it. I'm like, can I get your contact info?

Yeah. We might be coming out again. I'll put you on the VIP list. Is that what it's called? Yeah, the VIP. Yeah. I get that a lot for my job as a game journalist. I tell people I'm a game journalist and they say,

well, you think the new battlefield. And I say, I don't play that fucking garbage. And then I cash a $15,000 check from Activision. And they see me, they see me do all of that. And they say, OK. Well done. Now I get, I buy it. It seems like a good field.

How much? $15,000? OK, it sounds about right. How about a Yahoo? Yeah, I was about to ask. By the way, everybody, at some point during this program, I covertly have obtained a Pepsi Max. You'll never know how.

Wow, people are going to be ferding that one out for years. This Yahoo was sent in by Zoe Kinski. She's been sending out a lot of good stuff. She's moving up the leaderboards. Thank you, Zoe. It's buyout. You're going to need a bit for her soon. Yeah, I know.

It's breaking my back. It's the new, it's the new Jingles. It's by Yahoo Answers user, Josh, who asks, What would you do if an Arby's manager punched you in the face? All right. Ironically, if you're about to eat Arby's, it's not the worst thing that's happened to you in that moment. So, Buckleyn, it's a little bit long.

OK, so my friend and I go into an Arby's to get some food last night. Not going to lie, kind of short on cash, so we don't order any drinks. Instead, ask for a water cup when our food is ready, you know? The manager tells us in a real douchebag way that the water isn't working and no, we can't have a water cup. It was like we were asking him anything outrageous just a cup. I asked for something else and he just continues to be way too concerned about his job.

I'm a server. I work in a restaurant. So I think this guy's crazy. One, for being so rude. Two, he has to be able to supply us with something to drink. We finish our meal and I decide it would be funny if I knocked a rather large stack of cups that are sitting on the counter. Oops.

Jesus. Now this is where it gets interesting. My friend and I proceed to the exit. There's a guy at the door. He's using the usual fuck you blah blah blah verbal fighting stuff. We kind of laugh and continue walking towards the car. Halfway to the car, I get clocked in the face from behind. Wait, what?

Someone punched you through the back of your skull and punched the front of your face bones off. My manager ran out of the store with two other employees, punched me in the face and the other employee shoved my friend to the ground. I got hit pretty good. This guy had a running start and I was completely blind sighted. What you didn't see is if you looked to your left you would have seen Tyler Durden like, yeah that's right. How do you feel like a man?

Feel like a strong man? I was down for a second. He knocked over your cups. My friend jumped right up from being shoved. He saw me get whacked. So naturally he's defending me. I didn't really see that part but I know he got him a few good times. The guy ended up running in with blood all over his lip and shirt.

The other two guys are just talking shit to me surrounding me trying to scare me. A man pulls up and breaks up the fight. We go straight home. I have a huge fat lip. My jaw won't even close right. My teeth hurt really bad. Friends shirt is ripped up blood all over it. We talk about it for a while.

Figure we should call the cops so we do. Arby's had called the cops too. Exaggerated the story. Told them we threw stuff and fought them first. Whatever you know. We told the cops our story but what do we do now? What would you do if an Arby's manager punched you in the fucking grill? Don't you guys feel like listening to this story that

this person telling the story is about to say oh I guess I should also mention we were really belligerently drunk but I don't think that has any impact on the story whatsoever. I should mention we were very high on hallucinogenic mushrooms and we may have been at our home the entire time. This may be a fiction like the time. We might have been fighting each other. This might have been the time the world's worst zoo employee handed Travis a snake in his mind. He hastily photoshopped a picture of it.

And then I called the police and the police said Travis you've been home all day because you've called us 20 times. Also the snake called us beforehand and told us inside of the store. I'm worried about Travis. He's been locked in his house all day. Also you're still high. And you'll never not be high Travis. I'm not interested in talking about the fight.

If fucking happened it's wrong. Violence is not the answer. It's not funny. We shouldn't laugh at the violence. What is hilarious gut buster is how you seek justice for this act. Call the cops. The cops said they called us first and told us their side story. We have no proof.

It's an Arby's the fucking beef oils all over the place. Just completely get rid of any fingerprints we could have used to figure out this crime. It's going to be hard to see a side this one. So it's your word against theirs and they work at Arby's. So you lose just sort of de facto. Right. Do you know how decrepit you have to be for the cops to say well I hear what you're saying but this Arby's manager is giving us a different story and we're going to have to go with him.

Because he it's an institution. Yeah. Why do we always have to be so hard on Arby's. I like Arby's. They serve fine food. Everyone I've ever interacted with there has always been pleasant. Yeah. I'm sure we have people listen to work in an Arby's.

So they so they fucking cold clock every 10th person that comes in. So you punch the occasional dildo who cares. They shouldn't have been in the store knocking over your cups and throwing things and fighting with people and starting fights. That's right. I bought the Arby's story too. I don't buy this email. You're an Arby apologize.

This sounds like you're trying. You're angling for a class action lawsuit. Get everybody together who's ever been punched by an Arby's manager and you guys are going to try to bring down big beef. And I'm not having it. But the sheer number of people who've been punched in the fucking grill by an Arby's manager is so enormous at this point that you'd end up getting like a buck 16 maybe. You'd have this.

You would ironically have just enough to buy some jalapeno hush puppies at Arby's. And you promised yourself. Never again. Never again. Because you bought some and you got fucking cold clocked and then you ate one of them. And the cap is in. What if your settlement came in the form of an Arby's gift certificate and it just had like a picture that manager like here we go.

Let's do this again. Are you going to come to tango with me? Name the place and time motherfucker. Name the place and time except this offer is not good on Friday. You can sneak up on me and punch me in the face again. Try it. I've been ready for you. Oh you and your two friends Buford and Big Buford.

I was taking you down. Was there a small Buford sandwich by the way? They're talking about rallies. They hate each other. They're different. Oh you got to go to rallies and claim sanctuary or gang war. That's what I'm saying. You go to rallies and you say I'm willing.

I'm willing to commit to you. It's okay man. What they do to you over there. Now listen we can figure out a way to get back at them. But I need to know are you willing to die for this. Are you willing to beef in beef out motherfucker. Beef or die motherfucker. Get out there.

Here's a chain. Here's a box of tots. You're going to need both on that hard battlefield. You're going to find them. The tots are going to keep your strength up. Don't confuse them. You make sure if you get hit with I don't know a knife. If so they hit you with an Arby's knife.

You eat those tots and your hit points are going to come right back. Take this. It's dangerous to go alone. Take this. It's a curly fry. It's Arby's city rampage. The problem with the curly fries at Arby's is it's very hard to judge how many fries you've eaten.

No. Because I like to eat about 20 fries a day. And with the Arby's fries they're very curly and long. Sometimes they're like four or five fries in there. Just like in one fry. You know. Come on Obama. Yeah come on Obama.

It could be more accurately described as a bouquet. Yeah. As a fry arrangement. That's where you have to judge it by weight. Or tell me feel. Are we done with the podcast. Yeah. I think that was the end of it.

It felt like the end of it to me. Oh. Exciting news. Yeah let's drop this shit on him. I'm tired of sitting on this news. This bomb. This news bomb. We're going to go back out in the road.

When you ask. Well. Funny you should ask. This August. The last weekend of August. We at my brother my brother and me industries. Are coming. To Portland.

Oregon. Seattle. Washington. And beautiful Vancouver BC. That's right. Our first international tour. How many people. How many people are listening.

Hoping like the third city would be like Des Moines. Like just fun. That's a clear path baby. Portland straight to Seattle and then down to Houston. Now this is a really exciting bit. If you are going to be in Seattle for packs. You will be able to come see us. That's Saturday night.

It's August 28th 29th and 30th. It's Portland the 28th Seattle the 29th. And in Vancouver BC on the 30th. And you can come see us. I'm super excited by the way. Me too. It's going to be crazy. I've never been to Portland or Canada.

So like I'm pretty excited about that. I've never been to Seattle. I've never been to Portland. I've never been to Canada. This is big for me. This is the hat trick. The Canadian hat trick. Maybe I hear the blues of Collins.

Our salad and scrambled eggs. So that's the kind of stuff you can expect. Canada. Some really good Seattle themed goofs. What do you got for Canada? What do you got in store there? Maybe some. I'm just going to talk about Canadian

Dragonstone. I'm just going to talk about Kevin O'Leary and. Are we going to tell them when and where and how to get tickets. Well Charlie you're going to make bitly links. We're not going to have tickets on sale until Friday. Where can they go to like get those links? Like we'll put them out on our Twitter page obviously. Yeah that's probably the most convenient.

But you can also go to our Facebook page. Just my brother my brother and me. It's my brother my brother and me appreciation group. Yeah that one. And they'll all be up on there. And you know what? We'll probably also post a video to our YouTube channel. Announcing it there.

So any of those three ways. But we'll probably put those links out earlier than the on sale date. Which is going to be on little Griffin's birthday. April 17th. Yay. Is when tickets will go on sale for those shows. So if they sell out super fast and you don't get any. Please don't yell at me.

It's my fucking birthday. This is fucking birthday. And they tend to. So just don't hesitate. Don't wait. Yeah don't sleep on it. We never have any idea of how these things are going to do. The Seattle venue in particular is like a pretty big venue.

But there's going to be like 80,000 people at pack. So like I have no fucking clue. I have no fucking clue. But be safe. Oh and it's not just my brother my brother and me. It's Sawbones as well. What? Yeah so you get two awesome podcasts in one night.

I was just going to say I noticed that one of these has a curfew. That's nice. Hey boys. Time to get to bed. We had one at another show we did. Didn't have comedy tonight. You sleepy boys go to bed. We had a curfew at the Minneapolis show I think.

I didn't realize that. Anyway I hope we did not exceed it. I was not aware of it. No we didn't. Anyway our shows are usually pretty fun according to people who go to them. Sometimes five people get engaged. Sometimes five people get engaged. Sometimes I get a little tipsy.

Sometimes a little tipsy. Yeah so anyway we're coming to Seattle, Portland and Vancouver. And tickets are on sale on April 17th which is a what is that Friday? Yeah Friday. Yeah and oh should we say we're going to be? We're going to be at the Aladdin Theater in Portland, the Moore Theater in Seattle and the Chan Center Vancouver. So we're super excited about it.

We hope you'll come out and see us and go to all of those shows. Come to them all. Can we get they're pretty close. Can we get John Roderick. Here's the problem. Can we get John Roderick to play for us the intro at the Seattle show. Now that he is running for Seattle City Council. You know what the only way I'd agree to that.

And by the way if you want to read more about his platforms you can go to voteroderick.com. I don't understand any of it because it's all government. I thought it was a goof at first. It's a very serious. No it's a yeah no it's a. It's real. Yeah it's a real thing. We don't usually like to get political here but.

I like the cut of his jib. He's got some fucking good ideas. And his albums inspired me more in college than any other musician on earth. So let's hear what he has to say about sewer maintenance. Yeah John Roderick. I will I would love to have him play the intro to our show in Seattle. But what I want is for him to play the intro and then once it's done. Stand on stage and stare at us with his fucking fingers on the fretboard.

Just waiting for the outro. That's what I need. I need him to be like. And the money. And the money. Is this now. Is this it. Is it now.

Here it comes. Let him decide when the show ends. Yeah. Yeah. If he starts playing the outro that's it. That's all the jokes. Can we also time it so that during the show he wins his city council election. That would be so fucking enormous.

I want it to be a very important night for all of us. Anyway. Those are our shows. Speaking of thank you John Roderick. And along with issues for theme song. It's a departure off the album putting the days to bed. Oh we also want to say thank you to everyone who came out to our midwest. Like there were three awesome shows.

And you guys are incredible. And everybody was lovely. And thank you. Thank you. All the venues were lovely. All the cities were lovely. All the people were lovely. It was amazing.

I'm also was. I'm sorry that if I met you and I was. Very drunk. Very. Just that's just for the Chicago audience. That you. I feel like the other ones you held your your shit together. I have no memory is that problematic.

That's a that's I would say. Yeah inherently. The name of this this tour is Justin is not as drunk as last time. So I hope you'll come out. The tour. The tour. We also want to say what falls on Twitter and Facebook. So you don't miss those announcements.

This is enough. This is we put these people through enough. Okay. We love a lot of excitement so far. We love you Griffin last Yahoo. Yeah. That's finally Yahoo was sent in by. Zoe Kinski.

Moving up that fucking ladder. Maybe that's her thing. Up the ladder. No it doesn't work. Zoe Kinski I'll think of something. Thank you Zoe. It's by Yahoo Answers user engineer Adam who asks. My life hasn't been the same since Pluto lost its planet recognition.

Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother my brother me. Kids are dad. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

Listener supported. Oh hey there everybody. I'm Guy Branham and welcome to Pop Rocket, a new weekly show picking over the pop culture we all love to love. With me to talk TV, film, music and anything else entertaining, our journalist Margaret Wabler, academic writer and DJ Oliver Wang, digital strategist, winner Mitchell and comedian Santina Mewhaugh. It's an intellectual and incredibly snark filled discussion about pop culture by five

cranky Hollywood 30-somethings. No name calling, no rudeness, just straight talk and a lot of role play. I'm only 30-something for another year. Me too and I don't tell anybody I'm 30-something. Pop Rocket comes out every week from Maximumfun.org. you