My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 249: Toyota Bigraft

Episode Date: April 27, 2015

Can any of us really be sure that we've ever actually been on a boat? Really do a deep dive into your own nautical memories, and realize the horrifying truth. Boats are a lie. Suggested talking points: Blartwatch 2, Silent Lawnmowers, Fishgetter X, Montana Law, Cloud Peen, Cafe Arbando's, Dune Butt, House Reviews

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hey everybody, welcome my brother, my brother, and me, an advice show for the modern era. I am your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. I'm your sweet baby, baby brother, Griffin McElroy. And babykins? That's a new thing. Well, everybody, Blartwatch is back. I'm on Blartwatch. Blarty in the USA.

Do we have a maiden voyage for the SS Blartwatch? I'm pretty sure we've Blartwatched before. This is Blartwatch too. The game has done changed. Second weekend, Paul Bort Malkop was in a rough fight for second place with Furious 7. It's in the $13 to $14 million range. That's how Blart is right now. It's going to clear the $40 million market. It's domestic total by the end of the weekend, so it's going to be a big picture, a big win for... And that's on a budget of how much? $8. Kevin James, the whole team. What? Yeah, stands to gain a lot of money. Everybody volunteered for that, except for Kevin James. And his only stipulation on his writer is that when they were done filming all

of his scenes in the movie, they were going to go to yogurt land. And he was going to get a cup of frozen yogurt. And it'll cost him $8 because it was a considerable amount of yogurt. When I saw the billboard for Paul Bort Malkop too, and it said always bet on Blart, and I laughed legitimately. A hearty belly laugh, and automatically $15 was deducted from my bank account. He got your money one way or the other. Yeah, and they were like, laughing free. Now, just to check in, you know, Blart's not just about money. It's also a work of art. And I think a work of art. A work of art. A work of Blart. Thank you. I left the door wide open for that one. So just do you want to check in real quick, real quick on what the... What are the

critics saying about Paul Blart? Just let's see. Andy Webster says, you won't find much offensive in Kevin James' slick innocuous song, Paul Blart Malkop too. It doesn't believe in the worthiness of its hero. Why should we from Kimberly Jones? Kimberly Jones apparently wanting a little more action. A little bit of pathos, sounds like. Very deep, the hero's journey. Ah, this is Ivan Morales from Cine Premier says, the only thing that stands out about this film is how hard it tries to be an average comedy. Now, that review is in Spanish. So in case you're curious how Blart is playing with the Spanish speaking audiences, the answer is not well. Wait, it's the biggest problem is that it tries really hard to be an average comedy.

Like it was a super above average comedy. It's like, we got to tone this down. Lost in Translation here. Mike McKayhill from the Observer of the UK probably has the best review. He says, this isn't much more than a flies fart of a film. The most microscopically tiny of afterthoughts. So it kind of sounds to me like all these reviewers are biased and they're probably either being paid off or they just have sort of a pretty natural bias for Big Sandler. Wait, but what if he means when he says it's a flies fart of a film? He means really funny to think about. Yeah, that's a good point. Very humorous to know it exists. Now, just so we're clear, full disclosure, we do have a positive review here from Simon Weaving. He says, no more

than excuse for James to play out his affable brand of humor. Mixing physical slapstick with verbose running commentary of both grandiose and self deprecating observations on life and itself. Words too big, too big for Blark. Those words are. All the reviews should just be like, at least Native Americans didn't walk off the set of this one. Paul Blark too. They're ahead of the curve. Now, a lot of people are not critics. You know, a lot of people are just common folks, like user Billy Barnett at Rotten Tomatoes. He says, I just saw this last night and it's better than the first one. These critics are insane. Don't trust them. The very first response is having the runs is better than having full on diarrhea, too. I'm not sure what that means. Wait, hold on.

I thought those were synonymous. Have I been wrong about diarrhea my whole life? I thought they were they're apparently different. I but I don't get is he saying that like it's still bad is just not as bad as the first one because then the point still holds up. It's still better than the first one. It's one submitted quote from the film submitted by Lucas B five days ago, and it is this. It's a Paul Blark line match. Where did all my ham go? I still have that right here. I had three hams and now I only have one ham. You're going to UCLA. Wow. Okay. Is that to himself in a mirror? That's the iconic. Nothing sums up the plot of Paul Blark Mall Cop two better than the line.

You're going to UCLA. You're going to UCLA. 4% of critics liked it. 49% of audiences liked it. See, that's that's my real America. Let's get into some advice. Yeah, this is an advice show for the modern era where we don't just monitor the coming long for Paul Blart, but we will be bringing you those throughout the show and throughout the show. By that, I mean not just this episode, but for the entirety of our show, we'll continue to follow the actions of Paul Blart, but we also give advice to people. So let's do that. I can't wait till the third Paul Blart, where he faces on death. At the end, Alfred just sees him sitting at a Venetian cafe, you know, and they make eye contact and then he farts really loud. He farts on a fly.

He farts and a fly comes out of his butt and then that fly farts too. And then it cuts, zooms in on his face and the fly looks right in the camera and it's a vignette effect and it zooms in right on the fly's face and he goes, you're going to UCLA. It cuts it black. They open down on your birthday, Griffith. Best birthday ever. Yeah. Let's get into the advice. How was it? How was it? I'm assuming you win. It's pretty good. I wish the theater wasn't full of people jerking off. That was a weird cut. Okay, now I will get to the advice. No more blood. How early is too early to start yard work? I live in a neighborhood of garden homes that are fairly close to one another. I don't have a large yard. Still requires regular maintenance, but because it isn't a project that

takes more than an hour to at most, I prefer to get in early so I don't spend a whole day doing it. Sometimes I do this on Saturday, but I usually have at least one free day during the week. This is starting to turn into like a SAT puzzle question. Okay. So because he referenced two days of the week, I don't know when those are. So my question is this, how early can I start while being courteous to my neighbors? And that's from Terry. Well, you got to go door to door, knock on everybody's door and make sure they're not about to start recording on podcasts. That is a service that my neighbors do not provide to me. The good news is that there's never a time that people are happy to hear people doing yard work

outside their house. I've never once heard someone mowing a lawn or using a leaf blower and thought, oh, good. Awesome. Unless your neighbor's dirty, dirty tall grass, Harry, and you get psyched that he's about to, he's dealing with a fucking crazy. You're just psyched to find out what's in there. Maybe there's an old tricycle. Hey, if you see one of those like a turtle sandbox things, you guys speak for yourself. Every time I hear one of my neighbors rev it up their engines, I get out there with a big thumbs up and I say, you go get them. You're doing it next door, Paul. I knock on their door afterwards. They're all sweaty from mowing and I say, hey, I just want you to know because not a lot of people are going to stop and say it. This looks great. You did a good

job. And then they look in their hand and I somehow slipped a glass of ice, cold iced tea into their hand. They don't know how I did it, but that's what being a neighbor is all about. But there's no, you didn't give them a cup. You've just poured a glass's worth of iced tea onto their hand. It's actually frozen and I say act fast and I walk away. That's good. That's what they're doing. Give them a chore. Yeah. I think that 9, 9 a.m. Yeah, wake the fuck up. What are you doing? Sleeping past 9. What are you doing? Theresa and I are up like every day at 7.30 and I told someone this the other day and they were like, you know, a 28 year old adult person by all intensive purposes and they said,

oh, I never get up before 11. What? Like what the fuck? What? You're missing so much shit. Nobody, I don't care how fucking old you are or how late the night you had the previous evening. Nobody has any excuse to sleep past the end of the McDonald's breakfast menu. If you have slept and then if you wake up and McDonald's is serving lunch, you fucked up somewhere. What if like your baby was up all night like crying and you just got her to sleep and like you just want to sleep in a little bit? Like, is that not permissible where you come from? A little bit. A little bit is fine. I'm talking not past 9 o'clock. Like that. That's crazy though. That doesn't make sense. You have so much life to live.

Yeah. There's so much to do. I want to have the energy to do it all day. Now, I'm not speaking for myself, but I'm the one who gets yelled at when our neighbors are mowing at 9 a.m. My wife wants to sleep in a little bit. I guess we're getting into a much broader question here and that is of, let's say, 16 hours of the day. You got to be up for 16, right? And then you get your solid eight and you're down and then you get your next 16. What are the 16 best hours of the day to be conscious? The golden 16. Because I think it's, hold on, let me map this out real quick. I want to say it's like 7 to 11. I was going to say 8 to 12. 8 to 12 is fine too. It's closing up, but I go with 7 to 11 and I feel like I never miss anything. Okay, here's the real thing

and I guarantee there are some of you listening scientists, inventors, engineers. Why haven't we invented a quiet lawnmower yet? Like everybody hates the sound of the lawnmower. Make a quiet lawnmower. I'll step in here, Travis. They were for a really long time. There's already one invented. It's called the manual lawnmower. Remember? Remember? Okay. And why aren't we using that anymore, Justin? Because it sucks, Travis. It sucks. It's really, really wicked hard. Well, then let's make a quiet one that we just pull a switch or maybe something that does itself. We've got robots. One that does itself. You mean a goat? Are you speaking about a goat? Because we invented those a very long time ago. We took a deer. We took a sheep. We said, y'all two fuck.

And then you did. And a goat came out. Y'all want a yahoo? Yeah. I would like more of this goat's story, but sure. That's all there is to say, deer. Fuck that sheep. He said, all right, I'm gonna enjoy it too. Maybe it's an antelope. Which came from, never mind. This one, yahoo answer was sent by Rachel Sperling. Recognize that game. Take a moment. Recognize it. Respect it. Appreciate it. You don't know what you got. Put it away for later generations. Put it away. Don't use it all up. Thank you, Rachel. It's by yahoo answers user. Jess, who asks, he's lying to me about boats. This is in the singles and dating category. Okay. Jess asks, so my boyfriend for the last few weeks has been talking about buying a boat. He will

tell me about all these boats for sale and their prices and location says he is going to go look at them. But always after that says nothing more. He is only looking at them on this one site. Last night he was telling me about some boat for sale. I wanted to see it. So I searched for it on the site and it didn't exist. I then looked for all the boats he told me about not there. My boyfriend does sometimes lie, but I don't know why he would lie about this. It's so weird. But I have noticed he will use these boats as an excuse when I'm supposed to see him. Like I'll say, I'm coming over and he'll say, he's driving to go look at a boat. Oh, I wish you had called. Oh, baby to go. I know his appointment to go see a boat.

I know I was supposed to make dinner and I know I promised by totally spaced and made a boat appointment. Is it possible he's saying but like he's searching a website for but so he's not going to go to your but to buy and then telling her is telling his girlfriend about him in like detail. Does it make any more sense that he's talking about boats? Honey, I love I would love to come to your sister-in-law's birthday party, but I saw a but on the internet. I've got to get a closer look at it. I made an appointment to go buy it. I'm thinking about investing. It's a great market. Values are only going to go up. Think about the fun we're going to have with that but. It's not just for me. This is for you and me. This is for both of us.

You always spend time on the but. Remember when you used to tell me that the happiest times you could remember were at your grandma and grandpa's lake out on their pontoon but just zipping around. Remember, I'm trying to recreate that for you. This is wonderful. This person is this is the perfect crime for getting out of things that this person clearly doesn't want to do. There's no way he's going to get caught. One thing I am curious about is this line. I wanted to see it so I searched for it on the site and it didn't exist. Then I looked for all the boats he had told me about. Not there. What are those? I work on the web so I'm very interested in web technology, search engine, analytics. Really curious about the heuristics she would

use to search for these boats to prove they don't exist. She just searched boats my boyfriend talked about and hit enter and now he came up. There was a blue one and it had a propeller and he said we could have cool times out on the river. So search boat river propeller. I got to put in quotes cool times on the river. No boats available. This is so bizarre. Maybe I need to put plus signs between it. There it is. What if he is just inventing makes and waddles of boats to cover his tracks? I'm going to go check out a floatmaster 6000. It's actually the fish getter X. It's a new model and I got a really good price. How much? 8,000. Can't you just picture her clicking through the site trying to find them and one by one as she enters search terms that nothing comes up.

It's like zooming in on her face. It's like realization dawns and she can see a Kaiser Soze like moment. There's no such thing as a Toyota big raft. I feel like such a fool. There's like a Toyota flyer and over here there's a picture of Tom Sawyer on a raft and she starts putting it all together. Wait a minute and Mr. Big from Sex in the City. Hold on. Hold the phone. Hold the phone. There's no boat. There's no such thing as boats. Maybe we've all been. I've definitely been out on boats before. I have to stop you right there. Oh my god. No, it was a dream. I got a question for you guys. I just passed the bar exam but one of my best friends from law school didn't. I know from law school that she's smart and a hard worker

but this is the second time that she's failed the exam. Is there a way to talk to her or hang out with her in such that my whole situation doesn't just rub in that she's having problems with this test? What's the best way to be a supportive friend here that's from credentialed in the Carolinas? It's just a very hard test. Anybody can fail that. I could fail that. Franklin and Bash passed it. Who? Think about it. Both Franklin and Bash. I don't know who you're talking about. You know from the hits TNT series Franklin and Bash starring Mark Paul Gosler and another guy. Mm-hmm. Sure. Wait, wait. I've almost got it. Nope. It's not there. No, no. Brecken. Brecken. Ah, Breckenmire. Breckenmire. That is the boat of TV shows. I think that if you're looking for a way

to support your friend who didn't pass the test you just passed, might I say just imparting some of the wisdom and knowledge that you use to pass the test you passed to help her pass this test that she wants to pass. Are we looking like a montage scenario where it's like we're going to do this together and like it's like you know cuts to like sessions of you like sitting in what's probably like an old-looking library because that's where like lost stuff is. Yeah and you're pounding your fist and she's kind of going like I don't get it. You take off your jacket and you spin the table and you sit you cross-saddle it and then you just look at it and you say so habeas corpus and then it's another shot they've moved on and then there's like one where you're

and then pretty soon she just nods and you see her scribble down. Whoa! Exclamation plate in her book. I get it. And then Sean Connery from Finding Forester shows up and he's like you're the new man now dog. You're taking her old place. I think he's an important part of any montage. You're a lawyer now dog. And his last film was an animated movie called Food Fight. I don't think he wants that to be his swan song so he'd probably get back out for it. It's really uncomfortable when there's like a bikini car wash super sexy teen montage and then all of a sudden Sean Connery is there and he's like mm-hmm. Nice. Look at it. I can both shake it and stir it. Watch it spin. I mean my boat. Look at my boat. I possess jam because jelly doesn't shake like this I think.

Science is proof of that jelly doesn't shake like that. Do you like how my boat fills out these jean cut off shorts? What are we saying? His boat. Is the bar exam something you can only take a certain amount of times and like if you fail a third time you're done. I think it costs like 25,000 dollars to take so I'm sure there's somebody who's like oh another stab at it huh yeah bring it on. Because at a certain point like if you fail it and I'm not saying that she should give up or anything or anyone should give up but how many times do you fail something like that before you're like you know what maybe like this isn't my my scene. Well what are you supposed to do? You've already gone to law school Travis. You're a lawyer now maybe go to where whoever failed her

and just be like I object and then quoted them some laws that they didn't know about that makes your friend pass the test. If we can get that guy approved officially Santa Claus in Miracle and 34 I think we can swing this. Yeah probably. Oh yeah just hand the judge a dollar and but on it you've written please make my friend pass the bar exam and he's like well it's right there in black and white on the dollar. I'll allow it. I'll allow it. Isn't it funny how if you give a judge one dollar bill it's moving and if you give him 25,000 dollar bills it's a federal crime. I don't understand I don't understand the logistics. Come on Obama. I mean with this suggestion it's why I haven't given in a while but why don't you tell her to pack her bags and move away and go to

a state where the bar exam is super duper easy. I'm saying maybe a Florida probably a little bit easier to pass it down there. I'm saying definitely a Missouri. Oh that's an easy one. Maybe a Montana. I think there's only 20 people there. Yeah Montana there's like one law and it's don't kill and so that was pretty easy. That's the law of the land. It's pretty easy to enforce it in Montana just get up there right don't kill on a shooting paper hand it to the nearest judge boom bang bang you're a lawyer. Do you know why they call it a bar exam? Beat the last state lawyer in a fist fight. You know why they call it a bar exam is because there's a bar you have to clear and that bar is going to be at a different height from state to state. If you're in New York fuck that they got

billions of laws up there. Montana one law no killing. You guys want a yahoo? Yes please. Uh this yahoo was sent in by level 900. Yahdru answers Druid Dru Davenport stumbled through that one. My apologies Dru Davenport. It's by yahoo answers user Ronkey who asks that's a great name. Ronkey. Ronkey asks how do I make myself have a sex dream? I love having sex dreams. No. I think they are better than the real thing. But they happen so rarely. I want to have a sex dream every night. How do I force myself to do this? You know but if you have a sex dream every night you'll start to really look forward to the dreams where like your teeth just fall out. After your teeth fall out do you do some weird oral stuff? I hope that's in the question and

not coming from my baby brother's mouth. Wait a minute. Sorry that came from the internet. Couldn't every weird dream just be a prelude to okay here's what I'm saying. You know all the classic dreams right? Maybe they are just if we let them play out maybe they're preludes to sex dreams. Okay so all your teeth fall out amazing oral action. You've got you've got uh uh uh the dream where you're naked on stage at your school auditorium. Well that's obvious. I see an orgy coming. No you got it the first time. Was it the right the first time? I see a ronky coming. I see the black suits coming. Men in black. What about being chased through an abandoned amusement park? That's mine. It happens I don't know three times a week. Yeah and then you stop at a roller

coaster and the thing is chasing you's gone and then you fuck that roller coaster. Okay go for it. What about being... No no no you fuck a cotton candy machine and there it is. We've all thought about it. What if I fuck the cotton candy machine and the roller coaster gets jealous? That's a good point. Well you know the dream um where you're flying uh good news somebody's about to have to be dashed by an angel in the way a sexual way. In the bathing suit area. You know also since I've seen that show I do not think that there's a lot of like flying and there's very little love making if memory serves. I don't think Delores is like like airborne just like just quiescing around looking looking for looking for cloud peen

looking for sky boats. Look at the boat on that one down on the ground honey child I'm gonna go down there and swoop it. I'm gonna swoop that boat. My husband was just abducted was just sexually abducted by Delores. Again. Again god damn it. When will the cops do something about this? What are you gonna do? Bust an angel? You can't. Bust it by an angel. How do you make yourself have a sex dream though? Just stay asleep longer Justin is what you're suggesting right when you feel yourself waking up. Exactly. You hang in there longer and then and then the sex will start you just gotta wait you gotta wait for it.

Can you also not just like do a little oh what's the thing where uh where you're doing like conscious like dream it or you're like in control of it and you can be like oh I see where this is going and then you just like kind of self edit and jump forward 20 minutes in the dream to when the sex is going on. You're talking about time traveling inside your own dreamosphere to get to the to get to the good part you're talking about a fucking like Mr. Skin dream edit is what you're suggesting yeah this is boring exposition I want to see let's get I want to see some dicks I want to see some butts I want to see all of it I want to see some boats I want to see some some docks and some boats you know what I mean I think you do I love skipping the good parts

and that's why I want to go straight to the money one tell you folks about pro flowers they are a service that is going to take care of you uh uh for mother's day I actually got a beautiful package of pro flowers flowers in the mail they were looking good lovely vase really nice uh translucent pink and some beautiful flowers and a box of candies uh and uh you they these are good deals okay you're going to be able to get a hundred blooms with a free glass vase for just 1999 you can make the day extra special by upgrading to a premium vase and chocolates for just 999 more you gotta go to proflowers.com and you're going to use the code my brother okay so Teresa and I did this for her mom last year for last mother's day we use pro flowers and

center the the hundred blooms and the chocolates and she really loved them they lasted a long time like these these flowers stay fresh they cut them real fresh and they put them out before they've bloomed so they're still like fresh for two or three weeks after that that's a hundred is a lot of flowers they're gonna see how many flowers they're getting and they're gonna fucking barf you if you want to put some in your teeth and tango around like in the movies you can do it a hundred times a hundred times you can do it 20 times before you'd even fucking notice uh you're gonna get sick of tangoing good that's the pro flowers guarantee go to proflowers.com look for the blue microphone click on that it's in the top right corner of the website and type in my brother

go now take care of this right now i also want to thank nature box for supporting the show this week nature boxes snacks are all made with zero artificial flavors colors your sweeteners zero grams trans fats and no high fructose corn syrup get out of here fruit toast i don't even know what you are but you sound like science i don't trust science if you grow out you can uh go to nature box and you can grab sriracha roasted cashews white truffle popcorn and peanut butter nom nom or maybe some big island pineapple or some some barbecue cattle kernels or some greek blueberry greek yogurt pretzels i forgot these snacks stuck in my head like a beautiful song uh i really like the lemon tea biscuits they're real they're real buttery i love them the asiago cheese crisps are

the greatest snack i've ever had in my entire life and that is no smoke up your butts or your boats and if you want some smoked snacks i'm sure they got those too just go to nature box i got this selection of vape juices wait no uh go to nature box dot com slash my brother and you can get a free trial box of their favorite snacks and then you can pick up some of your own i cannot tell you how many listeners have picked up nature box gotten on board and have absolutely adored it so go to nature box dot com slash my brother right now and get a free trial of your favorite snacks i got a message for sarah and it's from jesse who says sarah sarah hey sarah happy birthday you are the love of my life you make every day better than the last

your beauty rivals even the most glorious stallion but let's be real no one is winning that contest i i hope you had a wonderful day you're my favorite person and i can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you love jesse that's a sweet so i sit three seats behind you in math class we love to have this but you are the virginal canvas on which i shall paint my master one day our souls shall join together forever and eternity got a message from mark here from menna happy happy birthday sarah that was horrifying and you sound like a really great person but not as great as a horse which jesse will be the first person to admit got a message from mark from menna says happy birthday buddy and then she said i'm sorry just to misread this and it should

say happy anniversary buddy sorry that he's such a dullard what did you say i said birthday living with you has been amazing even if we still can't wake up in the morning so there you got what some people don't like to get up in the morning's travest are they trapped under some kind of like spell a bookcase fell on them in the sleeping times they could send one email and this was the one thank you for supporting me through my dumb phd studies i couldn't have gotten this far without you i'm incredibly excited to eat delicious food travel the world and be disgustingly happy with you just in something in the taco voice i'm not aware of a taco that's a different brand in our cross media uh empire i'm not going to multiply multiple give us give me a piece of it it'll be

cross promotion cross promotion okay i hope you had a fantastic anniversary darling that sounded kind of weird yeah well it's hard to get into if i'm not in character actually it takes 15 minutes just to get there edit that out oh hey there everybody i'm guy brannum and welcome to pop rocket a new weekly show picking over the pop culture we all love to love with me to talk tv film music and anything else entertaining our journalist margaret wobbler academic writer and dj oliver wang digital strategist winner michael and comedian zantina muha it's an intellectual and incredibly snark filled discussion about pop culture by five cranky hollywood 30 somethings no name calling no rudeness just straight talk and a lot of role play i'm only 30 something for

another year me too and i don't tell anybody i'm 30 something pop rocket comes out every week from maximum fun dot org i work at arby's oh shit i'm not laughing at you i'm laughing because now i'm uncomfortable arby's arby's disturbance only natural defense arby's is the official fast food partner of my brother my brother me as everybody knows we've been working together to create great jokes for many years at arby's expense well let's expose the world i think of as a collaboration arby's keeps me at arby's and we do arby's material i think arby's is great um uh and i really like the big montana you're trying to whitewash your arby's history right now and i'm not gonna let you uh okay you've been heinous to arby's and the people who are employed

by mr arby i've never said anything bad about arby's employees i think they're real solid or folks who do a great job uh working at that restaurant and i and i go i frequent arby's i'm a frequent customer there really into the jalapeno hash browns or sorry just blink twice if there's an arby's person holding a gun to right now hush puppies uh okay i work at arby's part of my job is to visit guests in the lobby and make sure everything is to their satisfaction you apparently this is apparently a pilot program i'm assuming that experience that's never happened to me in the lobby dog welcome to our bondos cafe cafe our bondo uh often there are a lot of uh occupied tables near each other and it can get a little repetitive and awkward to say hey how's it

going over and over to every guest do you have any tips on how to change it up and be less awkwardly repetitive with my customers that's from muddled in management um if i was doing this my first thing that i would say is hey you're eating inside an arby's are you okay is everything good how are you doing no like but really how are you doing how are you doing hey it's gonna get better than this certainly are you cool statistically speaking it's good it's gonna get better than this i don't i don't understand why you have to go from table to table person to person asking each and every person the same thing when you could just yell to the room how's everyone doing and they all respond in unison pretty bad by a round of applause i'm greasy

are your fingers um who here's a sloppy beef boy all of you i feel like i'm not i want to be clear i'm not saying anything negative about people who would eat arby's food i am among those people i'm i'm questioning the people who look at arby's and think i gotta get in there i hope there's an available table i hope there's no way table at all babe did you make a reservation at our car at our bondos do you guys remember actually remember the last time that you ate physically inside a fast food restaurant do you remember the last time you actually sat down and did that it hasn't been in your like adult life i mean on a road trip probably i can stop at the mcdonald's though and eat inside the mcdonald's

i mean sometimes it's dope sometimes they got wi-fi sometimes a sometimes a man comes to you and says griffin i just want to check in make sure you're doing okay have you experienced a free wi-fi yes i have and he's like here have a have a pumpkin pie i'm like what the fuck it's april that uh that i've actually had that experience having to wheeze the wi-fi off of my local facilities which is amazing because they'll keep bringing those breadsticks though that they change shifts pretty frequently they don't know how long you've been there because people keep biting their fingers as they hold out breadsticks to them excuse me excuse me sir would you like a free um oh god you got the tip of my thumb oh god uh turnover rate of fizzoli's is enormous and the turnover rate

on fizzoli's employees hands is even my my local fizzoli's has a new policy where they don't have someone going around with a breadstick basket you have to go to the you have to go to the counter hands empty pockets outturned and just say hi i'm i'm a breadstick boy and i um what's this please what's this please me uh me hungy i guess um i'm sorry i just i don't mean to bother you you're clearly working very hard behind the counter um i just wanted to say me hungry uh peace me hungry um i think that the opportunity the question asker has here is is great because i think this is the kind of scenario where like customers enjoy a little bit of levity like they realize the situation is kind of weird to have the management of arby's be like how so you get to come up with like different

phrases and the one that popped into my head is how are you enjoying your sandwich journey that's a mouthful though i see you're on a beef bath uh i see you got yo that's uh i see you got a uh extra large dive dr pepper he's my favorite companion on the beef path too i got yourself a little beef sherpa i see can i offer you any words of encouragement or experience guidance perhaps on your beef journey i like man just just a few bites left you're almost through this and then you won't have to be in an arby's anymore i believe you go home see your wife and kids really think about the choices you've made with

your life maybe tomorrow's a new day you're almost pushed maybe this is the turning point you can do this i see you're eating our meat stack which is a real thing what is it called tower of meat we have a thing that's like the i've been paying my rent every day at the tower of me i think it's a i think they call it a ham column i uh i have worked a lot of different places and take you from me i've tried it both ways you will be immeasurably happier at any job you do if you decide once you walk in those doors um that you are completely sold out and 100 a huge booster of whatever business you work at nothing nothing puts people uh one at ease more uh and two sort of like is fascinating that a person who's like deep into

it what i'm saying to you is go get to wikipedia read up on some arby's history are you enjoying that sandwich do you know on this day in 1972 that's exactly when jebediah arby's in 1874 founded the first arby's in a dirty unused garbage pit he created that sandwich originally it was buffalo beef not a lot of people know that roast buffalo okay enjoy your sandwich uh i i love that i think it's a much more fun way to go through your work day if you like decide that you love the place that you work at like a lot of people in in in jobs that they don't consider to be like their full-time career like for their life will kind of have a uh a sort of antagonistic relationship with the places they work i'm saying if you love if you decide make the decision that you love the

place you work at it really does immeasurably improve your work day when i worked at best buy i was sold out store 573 on top that was me i was pushing the best of my brand in a major way so early early 20s justin's philosophy was don't chase your dreams wait for just make your dreams come to you it's a very buddhist way of looking at minimum wage employment griffin i'm i'm here at best buy today and today i will love being a best buy man how long did that situation and have you ever told the story of the when the the when that fire died that fire inside you for the best by brand uh let's see because nothing gold can fucking stay pony boy every every one of these relationships with a big business you've ever been in ended with uh we'll say turmoil uh well

yeah uh well bachblastar was fired for a little copy of fight club which seemed like a very tyler during the thing to do uh even though you still said that in the exit interview yeah you stole many other vhs cassettes which i will not announce on the show for fear of embarrassing you show girls uh i now hey i i had my friend tommy red tape show girls off at hbo because we were on vacation when it ran uh you just oh and you just stole a blockbuster video box and label for it to make it look official well i i needed the extended version later but anyway for sure uh best buy i uh let's see how do i oh uh i was not moving at a pace that was acceptable to the managers around the show floor uh when they wanted me to go around and hand out the cracks were beginning to show

the cracks are being to show and they said when you're on that show floor you need to move like your ass is on fire and i then i said okay and i moved like my ass is on fire right out the door no notice it best buy it just kind of left uh it's a it's harder if you if you prolong it it's when it's real love if you prolong the the split oh it just they didn't know what they had in a young just a macro they didn't know that i would someday go on to invent podcasting they didn't yeah sure god love them um you guys want to yahoo yes uh this yahoo was sent in by zoe kinsky thank you zoe it's by yahoo answers user it's not loading let me refresh it's still not loading make a name that's a matter uh germs germs germs germs asks but emergency anyone who

knows how to make a butt look hot answer this serious answers only my senior my senior year starts to go out and paint the deck get a fresh coat panel of the starboard and port sides my senior year starts in less than a week and since i haven't worked out for a while my butt is starting to look flat does anyone know any butt lifting and firming exercises or anything around those lines for one week power blast it oh i was just gonna say maybe some kind of all like alternative means like a like a duct tape or perhaps some sort of superglare maybe and how would that you can't just say shit travis that's my new motto for the show by the way you can't just say shit and almost always specifically travis you gotta start the tape at the bottom of the butt cheek right and they kind of

lift and then pull the end of the tape to your shoulder and it's kind of like suspenders for your butt right and that lifts it up a little bit or you just wrap each butt cheek in some tape to kind of fill it out a little bit now it's going to be uncomfortable but we all know that beauty is pain am i right everyone but nothing tastes as good as butt suspenders feel wait what that is lifting but suspenders one is sweeter than but suspenders earned not trust does it lift and separate the butt because that seems to be a big thing for fashion well it depends on which way you want to go justin because you could always do a cross your back kind of scenario right or cross or you could do it where it pulls the butt together

into one giant cheek which isn't popular now but i think that if you pay attention in 2016 we're gonna see a big move towards this one big butt cheek is it just one party this person's going to is it what's going on is there senior year of high school thanks for paying attention the whole senior year just a graduation or uh their senior year starts in less than a week okay see i was gonna say if it's a prom like event what you can do is buy a new butt and just leave the tags on it and then what and then once you're done with it you just return it but you gotta be careful because if you spill anything on that butt they won't take it back trust there i'm looking for a more organic uh healthy option like i always am sure for permanent but perfection um so like

an exercise something to really confuse and explode my glutes you know an ace ventura yeah let's see an ace ventura where he makes his butt talk i bet that'd be a pretty good workout but you're gonna have to be a lot more forceful than mr carry was and the thing is you're gonna have to go on for a long time you're gonna have to do like a stage reading of dune like the entire dune series with your butt you can't just like you're like let me ask you a question that's not gonna do it you gotta start like from the beginning now justin doesn't have to be a stage reading just the side of the side of the crowd affect the results well it's gonna help keep you it's gonna help give you the motivation not to give up and now a rare concert performance of

justin using his butt to read all of dune i will not a drop of rain ever falls on a rack ass but let me tell you when i read the liturgy of fear there's not a dry eye in the house ah my girlfriend and i are embroiled in an apartment hunt we found several that suit our needs but just a couple hundo out of our price range she proposes we begin negging the leasing agents uh in an effort to make them want to lease to us and this sounds like an interesting prospect to me the question to you is how would we go about this do we insult the apartment or the agent themselves what is it it's peacocking recommended thanks that's from randy for rentals enrichment oh man we just had a couple things a couple things to unpack here first off everybody's

cute i you know what if you want negging i have something for you it's called like the world most of the time like don't neg people we're all humans we're all trying to get through this thing together i don't think there's a context to which i would have ever neg a human being about their own situation that is is wholly ineffective and cruel and unethical and terrible r e peacocking you can do that but don't have an agenda just do it for you i peacock from me all the time by which i mean i actually 24 so i put rainbow feathers yeah in my in my boat if you're going to park walk around like that if you're going to park and hunting bring the peacock along hey work in my peacock stay in here it's just a peacock friendly apartment i doubled i doubled down and my fursona is that of

a peacock yeah so i'm getting it left and right yeah please don't tell my wife my fursona is that a peacock and i own a peacock so i'm both human size peacock and a regular peacock yes jaytown let me ask you a question yeah you have bought two homes now right yeah and two peacocks one per home in in movies and tv shows they always show people like scheming to walk around and be like i don't know about this archway and i'm not really happy with the door to try to get money knocked off is that a real thing that real people do in real life uh i mean the thing is when you're looking at houses you're very regularly rarely like looking at it with the person selling it so like your agent that sucks that shitty boo to that that sucks you call that a bathroom uh now

when we bought our new home we bought it uh for sale by owner that so the owner showed us around the place so i did punch a hole right in the gastric wall how much do you look at how flimsy this is made when you broke your hand this window just breaks right away when i put my butt on it i've had my i farted in every room in this house how much of a discount are you willing to offer me i'm just wondering if there's a scenario where you'd walk around with the real estate person paying like uh what the fuck is this look at this floor oh gross these this bathtub and they'd be like well would you do 1200 a month like i think that you just have a gross misunderstanding you have a gross misunderstanding of how that process works yeah none of that is going to be

none of that's accurate also like in renting i i've rented i don't know 12 apartments in my lifetime a lot of apartments i don't know that i've ever been in a scenario where i was able to haggle a price i think they say like this apartment is 1200 a month and it's just like okay let me ask you a question do you ask have you asked have i ever asked if it could be cheaper yes you know jesson i haven't there you go the the the invitation was never there they never said like now what we're asking for is 1200 a month what do you think they specifically say travis you will pay me 1200 i will take that money and it will be mine after that yeah i ended up i like i like the straightforwardness of this arrangement when i uh was living in

chicago i shortchanged our landlord uh by a hundred dollars every month for six months without realizing it they didn't say shit that's what i call a power move they didn't say shit either no i don't think they realized it was like the first time they'd rented it out and i don't think they i don't know maybe they couldn't count that high i don't know they were really sweet landlords i liked them a lot but i'd stole 600 dollars from thank you it's expensive in chicago i needed it could you pretend to be a ghost expert oh yep and which i'm saying you show up your whole persona and maybe your first sauna maybe you're a fox witch i don't know your whole persona is that of like a wizened a wizened magic user somebody who really understands the ethereal point a magi a magi uh if

you will and you show up and you say this home is pulsing with spectral energy and you're not going to get a dollar over 700 for it trust me on this one but i will make it my life's called i'll go on yelp and tell everybody this is a very i will help review an individual house i'll make you a deal i want to write a review for for 10 19 washington boulevard real quick i love you that house and i am a magis and let me tell you he is pulsing with spectral energy two out of five would not live there but if you do go make sure to try the parmesan bread bites they're delicious the previous owner had them in the refrigerator i don't know if they were four guests but i did take them and i enjoyed them i don't know if he's gonna keep putting those in there or what's the

situation um i say you do one better and you i say i'm not gonna pay a goddamn cent to live here but i will be the ghost super for the whole building oh like you'll help them move on or you'll protect the rest of the building from ghosts i think it means that it like if there's a ghost related plumbing issue ghost gets stuck in the pipes and god damn it that half that's half half a clogs that you deal with plumbers aren't ready for that shit because you didn't just knock a stick of deodorant in there now they're just taking caribou's and shy guys and stuff that's actually how rental prices in san francisco got so bad it's because they started letting a bunch of spectral supers live there and then they got to make that up somewhere and you as a non magic user

are the one paying the price for that it's subsidized it's it's government subsidizing subsidized spectral supers so at the end of the day take some night classes like become a magus be able to like take care of yourself and then you can get those discounts i think matthew lesko sells a class on it if you want to like i think it's something like you could make ten thousand dollars a year just by being a ghost super something along those lines check it out open your eyes and your heart to ghosts man it's been a while since we talked about ghosts it's like putting on comfortable pair of jeans from college you talked about you you talked about uh packing your bags and move away it's a real classic episode a lot of hits

yeah a lot of the hits uh thank you for listening to our comedy podcast our brother my brother and me uh if you'd like to see us live you can do just that if you live anywhere near uh seattle or vancouver uh we're coming there in late august uh believe the the what is it the 29th and 30th respectively uh to those two cities we are also going to portland but tickets that have sold out if you're in portland you didn't get tickets to that show uh come up to see us in seattle it's not that far of a drive i i have to drive that far uh literally every time i want to see a concert of anybody i enjoy so go for it uh bit.ly forward slash mb mb am seattle is the address for the as you may have guessed the seattle show bit.ly forward slash van mb mb am

is the uh vancouver show uh those are both assigned seating okay so don't don't sleep on that go uh get tickets there are still some good seats in vancouver um but you're gonna want to act fast because they are they're going quickly i want to thank john rogerick in the long winters for the use of our theme song instead of departure off the album putting the days to bed you can find that album on itunes or amazon wherever it is you buy music uh and uh again i just want wish great luck to john rogerick for his seattle city council uh campaign i hear it's going very well i'm seeing some promising things on the on the ap wire and this isn't like a bullshit he's not doing no it's not a good it's it's a it's a real campaign he's got some good ideas i'm very excited

for him uh we also want to if you uh enjoyed this episode in past episodes why not uh hop on over to itunes maybe uh subscribe rate review that kind of thing it'll take you about three minutes and it really helps us in like the itunes rankings and everything like that and bumps this on up the charts which we always really appreciate and it makes us feel good we appreciate your positive uh feedback there's a ton of other podcasts on maximum fun as well uh if you haven't listened to them they're they're it's it's all free and it's all terrific programming we each uh we all have other shows the three of us played dnd with our dad and a show called the adventure zone justin has a medical history show with his wife sydney called saw bones travis's show with his

buddy andy about the apocalypse called bunker buddies uh and then there's other great shows like jordan jesse go and stop podcasting yourself and throwing shade and lady to lady and rendered and so many other terrific programs saw it maximum fun dot org uh we we're actually 39 reviews away from 3000 on itunes let's do that this week guys let's get great that'd be pretty uh we also want to say thanks again to nature box uh where you can order hundreds of great tasting healthy snacks go to naturebox.com slash my brother sign up for your free sampler box of great tasting healthy snacks at this point there's probably only 10 of our listeners that haven't already done it so you 10 if you're one of those 10 just go do it now we want to get 100 of you on board

are we done we're done this finally yahoo was sent in by level 900. yah drew drew a drew a drew drew drew drew drew davenport thank you druid's by yahoo answers user alexander who asks is santa monica studio is gonna make kredos kill jesus i don't want jesus to die in the future God of War games. You Christians agree? I'm Griffin McElroy. It's been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad.

Scramble it. I'm Griffin McElroy. Kiss your dad. Scramble it. I'm Griffin McElroy. It's been my brother, my brother, and me. Kiss your dad. Scramble it.

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