My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 250: The Best in the Biz

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

We're done skipping the celebrations of our major podcast moments, like our five-year anniversary, or the hundredth time Justin did a Chilean Miners goof. Join us for a particularly introspective journey this week, and also for a frank discussion about Jackie Chan's romantic potency. Suggested talking points: Missed Observations, Massage Courtesy, Married to Jackie Chan, Mr. Predator, Mary Spookins, C&C Music Factory Day Job, Dafoe Tears

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for joining us. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for joining us today for a very special My Brother, My Brother, and Me Episode 250, a very important episode in the lifetime of any podcast, and here we are having our midlife crisis. I'm your youngest, baby-est brother,

Griffin McElroy. Joining me, my two dear brothers. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy. I didn't know we were doing something. And singing for us is Babs herself, Barbra Streisand. Just when I'd stopped. We managed, we called up Babs. I was like, I need you. And she's like, what is it? Podcast Episode 250? And I was like, yep. And she's like, I heard one this week. Standard rates. Standard rates. Free. Here I come. Here come the Babs. Justin's around here. Hey, guys. What a pleasure it is to be on this special episode of My Brother, My Brother, Me and My Fault I Feel. I thought you'd want what I want. I'm sorry, my dear.

But where are the clowns? Big finish. Sending the clowns. Did we get clowns? Don't bother. Don't bother. Okay. They are here. I love that we're making a big deal out of Episode 250. Next year. I love they're making such a big deal out of Episode 250 when we have completely fucking dropped the ball on so many other celebrations. April 11th, 2015 marked the five-year anniversary of My Brother, My Brother, Me. Totally slept on. Dismissed it. Five years of goofs. And we just, I mean, we whiffed it. No, I remembered. I spent the day staring into a mirror and just like drinking whiskey as I glared upon what five years of the weight of this show had done to my body. What are we talking about? Okay. It's like,

you eat a lot of fried chicken wings. And I think that that maybe has a more detrimental effect than our people. When I started this show five years ago, I was a beautiful young man. Some people said God-like features. But like the traditional sort of vision of God as an old bearded man. Yeah, but like beautiful in that way, where you're looking at me like, that's a beautiful young old God. Sort of like how John Lithgow is beautiful. Yeah. And now I'm more like John Lovitz. Beautiful, but like in a different way. I'd like to make a point, by the way, that had we done a fifth anniversary observation, this is the entirety of what it would have been. Five years is 260 weeks. In that five-year period,

we produced 247 episodes of My Brother, My Brother, Me. And I showed them all in there. That is a miss of 13. That is 13 missed weeks. I think for five years, that's pretty good. That's pretty solid. Yeah. This is my challenge to you, the listener. Find another podcast with that hit, right? And I'll be impressed because we're the Cal Ripken of podcasts. If Cal Ripken can miss one every once in a while, we were the Cal Ripken of podcasts. Do we miss any other important celebrations? Obviously, it's Thor Watch 3 with Avengers 2 in theaters right now, but we just didn't have time to do that, I guess.

Didn't do that. Episode 69, I feel like we didn't really make a big deal out of. Before I forget, Teresa and I went and saw Avengers 2 at 8.30 in the morning, and we walked into the lobby of the movie theater. And do you know who else sees movies at 8.30 in the morning? Donald Faizon. What? That's a great get. Did you hit him up? I did. I wanted to so bad, but he was like mid-conversation with someone, and I wanted to be cool. I wanted Donald Faizon to think I was cool. Was it that rap? He was talking to you. Man, I wish. A lot of missed observations, a lot of missed celebrations. We're going to circle back to someone throughout the show as they come to us. We're not about self-agulation. I don't think that's a crime.

I self-agulated yesterday. Wait, what are you talking about? Masterbating a penis. Griffin is providing a new service for our listeners that have trouble detecting dick jokes. To mark our fifth anniversary, he's providing a new service that is not optional, that is required, where he points out dick jokes as we perform them and explains them. It's boner captioning. I am wondering if it's appropriate to moan slash groan in pleasure. Moan slash groan in pleasure. I just experienced ear shrinkage. Is that weird? My ears just shrank and recoiled. Griffin is referring to the way a penis will sometimes highlight it in the hilarious Seinfeld episode. No, just I was actually talking about my ears.

Is it appropriate to moan slash groan in pleasure when receiving a massage from a professional massage therapist in a paid setting? Nobody's listening to the show anymore. If you keep doing this, we're going to lose every listener that we've ever had. Say the rest of it. I asked this because I was receiving a massage from my boyfriend, a dedicated fan, and I asked him to buy me a real massage. Then I wondered if this sort of moaning, groaning you do when getting a massage from a loved one is appropriate in a formal setting. Advice is appreciated and needed, and that's from pondering in Portland. This is a fucking great question. This is the best question. Yeah, it's a real good one. Because my immediate reaction was

like, oh, no, no, no. But then I think like, what if it's like the massage therapist expects you to do it? If you don't do it, they're like, am I losing it? Did I lose my touch? I used to be able to rub. But then again, what if you do too much? And then the masseuse is like, I'll rub what she's rubbing or something like that. I actually had a massage experience last weekend for Sydney's birthday. We went to the beautiful Glade Springs Resort in Beckley, West Virginia, and we got a couple's massage. And before the art art, okay, first off, let me ask you guys this. This is not a joke. None of this is a joke. But like, this is not particularly funny. I'm just curious. There was a man and a woman. When I saw the two of them, I was absolutely horrified. We

were going to be asked to select choose. There is that is the Kobayashi Maru of marriage. And there's no way I would have got it. It's the Kobayashi Maru of massages. Whenever you pick like a preference at a new massage place, like, what do you want? Dudes or women? And it's like, well, there's no good answer to this, is there? Because if I pick women, it's like, women. I got asked the same thing the only time I've ever had a prostate exam. That's not a no. That's absolutely true. And I did not know how to answer. They asked if I'd rather have a male or a female doctor. We just not do it. It's either women or men. Like, it doesn't matter. I guess that's true. It is a gender-neutral,

like, the most beautiful, softest one. Whichever one you pick is like, because I want it. Who do you have? Who is the slipperiest? Bring me a spectrum. I was just ever invaded by pansexual, pangender aliens. I hope we do the right thing. And job one, before we ask about their technology or their medical advances, like, we just put them to work doing massages. Because that is, there is a no-lose pick right there. Put your weird sucker fins right on my back. This is good. I excrete a jelly through my gills that it's like icy hot. You're going to love it. I'm a very, very slippery alien. Also, I exude the smell of lavender, so it's perfect. No, but when they, in the massage, right before they leave the room,

they say, and this is a direct fucking quote, speaking of, like, impossible scenarios, they say undress to your comfort level and then get out of the blanket. And then it's like, yo, you left your boxers on? Perfect. Exactly. You want to be a messy underwear boy, huh? Okay. Like, do you want me to be honest? Because you don't need to leave the room for me to address to my comfort level. This is like, I'm up on that table. Yeah, let me just get up on this table. If I had, if I could reach a comfort level with fewer articles of clothing before I left the hotel room, I would have done just that. This is my comfort level. I'm here. I'm living in it. We're talking about moaning and grinning. It's hard to say anything in that situation without

feeling like a total, total nasty boy. Yeah. Like a little softer. That's, it sounds like every low, where do you want me to rub? Where does it hurt? Uh, my upper thigh. Like it does. I just started, I started running. My thighs hurt a lot, but I can't be like, I need you to pay special attention to my bottom on my bathing suit region zones. Yeah. They asked him like, there was, if I had any problem areas, they have to ask for attention. Like, there's no, where, there's not a right, I mean, my, what answer could I give there? My forehead. There's nothing, nothing lobes. No, that's bad. Rub my ear, rub them lobes. But yeah, go ahead and moan, moan away. Go to town. No, wait, what? No, we didn't answer the question. No, I wouldn't moan. Yeah, moan.

I wouldn't moan. I don't think, but I, this is one of the scenarios, Justin, where I'm going to say that like, no matter what you do, because you're concerned about appearing weird and creepy, that you will not be the creepiest person who's ever come into this establishment. So I say go to town because for every one of you, there are a hundred people who are just like, I'm here for me. Because you know that there are people who when told, undress their comfort level, literally just reached out at lightning speed and pulled their dick out of the hole in the front of their pants. Like, okay. How about I dress to your comfort level and see who blanches first? I need to know what you're, we may be getting too intimate

now as brothers, but I do want to know, I want to know what your comfort level was in that situation with your wife. Well, fucking great news, Griffin. I was wearing some me on these boxers. So I felt very confident that the, because of the, the relaxed fit of my me on these boxers, that they would be able to massage around them. So my comfort level was my me on these boxers and nothing else. Okay. I thought you were going to be like, I need you to massage around my Tybee Island parrot head t-shirt. No, the cargo shorts will remain on. Anywhere, anywhere you see cargo short, I am fine there. No, no soreness in the cargo short. Please rub around the 3DS in the pocket of my cargo. Explore around my Nintendo 3DS, but I need it there because I am

street passing with a 12 year old. How about a Yahoo answer? Hit me. This Yahoo answer was sent in by level 9000. Yeah, Drew Druid. Drew Davenport. Thank you, Druids. By a Yahoo answers user, Iceman who asks. Iceman. Sweet. Is someone with the personality of Jackie Chan, the perfect man for a woman? Wait, what? I've always wondered about that. I don't personally know him, but he seems humble, generous, unselfish and kind. What do you think is someone like him irresistible to women? Update, is he your type of guy or do you need a man who's more aggressive and combative? Wait, do you think someone with the personality of Jackie Chan, the perfect man for a woman? I want to start with the update. That person put that fucking crazy-ass question in the Yahoo answers,

then went about their day and then they were like, oh, wait. Oh, yeah. I can't believe I didn't say. Oh, shit. One other thing. I think Jackie Chan is the perfect man for a woman, a man, whatever. He's good for what ails you. He's good for what ails you no matter what you are in the mood for. Jackie Chan has got it. What do you need? Do you need a bodyguard? You need a bodyguard? Sure. If that is your romantic ideal, then fine. He can be that for you. Do you need stunts in your life? In your life, do you need somebody to like jump off of a ramp into a helicopter because he'll do it and he'll do it for real? What if I needed a kind of bumbling tutor for my kids, right? But then somebody tried to kidnap my children from our home one

evening while I was at the opera. Do I need Jackie Chan for that? I possess an extraordinarily technologically advanced tuxedo and I need a man to wear it. Uh-huh. Who's going to wear my space tech tuxedo? Hey, it's me. Owen Wilson. I'm looking for a friend. See if I've got any ideas? I think I can help you out with that. Vince Vaughn. No, not quite. No, not quite. Can I hear that, Owen Wilson? Can I get one more time? Yeah. I'm looking for a friend. This is Owen Wilson right after waking up. No, he's always a little lost. I'm just looking for somebody to help me just be my friend, you know? You're getting closer. I got a mouth shape to help get me a little bit closer. Hold your nose to see if that helps. I want to talk about life stunts. Okay. Griffin

mentioned this idea of life stunts and it really resonated with me. As in stunts are things that happen in movies to make it look like something dangerous is happening, correct? Yeah. Yes. But nobody gets hurt. Ideally. Well, no, that's my favorite part of every Jackie Chan movie. Is that real at the end? Where he has stunt bloopers. You save that. You save the snuff for the ending. Here's all the parts where Jackie Chan died and was replaced with a new Jackie Chan. And also he got hit in the balls 17 times during the film. Like 17 different times. And every time that you got feel bad for that fight coordinator guy who's just like in it. It's just like, oh, I got in Shanghai noon six. Awesome. This is going to be great. It's going to be so good for my career.

No, actually bad news. You accidentally kicked Jackie Chan in the right nut and you'll never work in this town again. Yeah. And now you're black bald. Oh God. Jackie Chan is the perfect man for any woman unless she does not want a man who is just permanently sterile like beyond sterile permanently purple down there. Just beat the hell. You can't even clone Jackie Chan. That's how sale this cat is from all the ball shots. Life stunts. What? Why don't we have more parts of your life that incorporate stunts that are preplanned that you know you're going to do and just have like more stunts in your life? Do you know where that would be? You know where that would be a huge benefit, Justin? Imagine like you've just realized the viral wedding proposal

videos. Yes. You've just realized your fly is down, right? And you're like, oh, I need a distraction. You look over Jackie Chan. You nod. Heber tends to like fall, you know, through like an awning, you know what I mean? And land and pop back up and all that while you're zipping up your fly. And no one notices. That might be a little elaborate. If that's a little elaborate, I think I would just say like, please meet Jackie Chan. This is Jackie Chan. Where is Jackie Chan? I know. Excuse myself. That's a great, that is such a great, like you're married to Jackie Chan. You're at your friend's New Year's Eve party. Things are winding down. Oh no, you shit your pants. Jackie Chan, take it away. I need to get out of here. I've got you. Hi, everybody. I'm Jackie Chan. Oh my god.

Where did Griffin go? Please don't worry about it. He can call me Jacqueline. Everybody does. My friends, my closest friends call me Jacqueline Chan. My closest friends call me Jacqueline Chan. He's probably the coolest person ever, right? Yeah. I think that he would probably be in my top five people. I would be like just devastated to find out what's kind of a jerk in real life. No, it's, you watch somebody like crash a train into him on accident and those snuff bloopers at the end of his films and he gets hit by the train and goes flying and is cut in twain, but then they like run up to him like, Jackie, are you okay? And he looks up and gives a smile and a thumbs up. That's a dude. Don't blame the conductor. It's fine. I find myself

in a bit of a conundrum. I really enjoy animal companionship, but my boyfriend is very stern on the opinion that he doesn't want their responsibility of having a pet. The most he will even consider allowing me to have is one of a simple pet rock. That's cruel and not a real pet. Brothers, how do I explain to him how important it is for me to have an animal around the house that I'll look after without coming off as I'm trying to wear him down? He's a listener of the show. Excellent. And if anyone could convince him, it's probably you guys sincerely cat crazy in Canada. You're going to start needing to referring to the cat as you need a familiar. Oh, that's good Travis for your magics. Well, if it gets to that point, I'm just saying if you

don't appear like you're just like trying to wear him down, just be like, ah, a familiar would really help me in my research. Something like that. You know, and just keep dropping those every so often. You get the familiar before you learn any wizarding. Yeah. Think about Harry Potter, right? There was a point in Harry Potter's life when he knew no magics, but owned an owl. At that point in his life. And that was just okay. He was just a kid that owned an owl. Like, what am I supposed to do with this? That must have been the hardest thing for like, when he was getting magic books, cool. And he got a wand, cool. And here's a bird of prey. Here's a big fat bird you have to feed mice to. That's probably fairly difficult to keep alive. Like we're not talking like goldfish here.

Like this is an owl. Yeah. And the hardest part about keeping a pet owl alive is when you wake up and it's in your room and right next to you, not instinctively murdering it, not just instinctively tearing it in half like, Oh God, big eyes. Bye. Tear it, rip it. Could you start, I mean, you got to start small, right? You have to start with like a beta, maybe a nice beta of fighting fish, you know, betas. Nobody has anything against owning a fish. Like it's the lowest impact pet. I would like to suggest another plan. Release a dozen mice into your home and then place call, email or fax to my newly formed business, Justin McElroy's prohibitively expensive yet profoundly incompetent pest removal service. I come to your home and I have a thing on my

van that says the best in the biz. Okay. That is an important step. And that's sort of like a general use decal so that whenever Justin pulls a question, any sort of trade skill. Justin McElroy, best in the biz. And then I show up and I'm like, Oh, I see your problem. You got mice. And then I do my magic. I don't know what it'll be. It'll probably just be hooking vacuums up to heating vents and like doing that for a little while and saying like, yeah, well, blowing into things and then waiting, throwing cheese out the window and say like, it's there. And then I'll say, everybody help. And then I'll say, well, folks, that'll take care of it. Then I gotta do it. Then you have two pet options. Pet option one, you see mice. Oh,

we should call pest removal. No, what point would there be in that? We already got the best in the biz and he couldn't get rid of all these mice. We're stuck with this mice problem. So option one, you have pet mice. That's cool. Option two, cage free roaming, free roaming, cage free mice. Option two. And I think you're really gonna love this one. We've already called the best of the biz. We were already called the best of humankind has to offer. We have to take this back to the animal kingdom. Meet my pet cat, Mr. Hunter, like predator, meet my cat predator. And then you own a cat to keep the mouse population back. Your boyfriend doesn't know how many mice are in there. You can never get rid of the cat because you never know when he's going to find another mouse. And if you

need to keep up the illusion, release another mouse in there every once in a while. I just want you to know in the scenario of this movie that you've created, I picture the cat being introduced very similar to the priest in The Exorcist. Like at the bottom of a set of stairs in like one street light, like meet my acquaintance, Mr. Hunter. And then it's just a cat in a trench coat. Meow. Meow. I'm father predator. Meow. And the cat just says best in the biz across the side. That's key. I can't emphasize that enough. Listen, what we're really talking about here is branding opportunities for Justin's best in the biz signmaking business. Now, can I ask Justin what you get out of this? Are you charging a fee for your initial consultation? Maybe you didn't hear

it's right there in the name prohibitively expensive. Like if I'm going to go through all this rigmarole, I'm going to get my taste. I'm going to get my beak wet. And by beak wet, I mean the chicken that I also bring to give you as a pet. Listen, it's a full service business. What does a chicken do? Just makes a cat look good by comparison? A chicken makes eggs, you fucking neanderthal. I need a book. Let's go to my desk. Our first sponsor this week is pro flowers. Mother's Day is coming up and you want to show... Six days away? Is that right? Well, I mean, it's, well, I mean, it just depends on when this goes up. Is it going to go up on May the 4th?

May the 4th. That was our intro. And we missed it. And another missed observation. Make it up to your mom that you missed Star Wars Day with a glass of 100 blooms with a free glass vase for just $19.99. You can make that day extra special and add some chocolates for $9.99 more. Just go to proflowers.com and you're going to click the blue microphone in the top corner and you're going to type in the code my brother. Sydney, we got a vase of these flowers sent to us. They were Peruvian lilies and they were the... Now Sydney's favorite flowers. They are really, really beautiful and it's a great deal. So go to proflowers.com, click the blue microphone in the top right corner and type in the code my brother and get that great deal.

Now say, say that this is the first episode so-and-so I've listened to and they're like, what's this guy talking about about his undies? Why is he saying me undies? Why is he speaking? It's this product placement because I cannot imagine a less appealing product placement than thinking about my brother wearing me undies and getting them super duper oily and squishy from massage juices. They pull moisture away from your skin so you're cool all day long down there. I just wore them to a rin fair yesterday. Walked around for four and a half hours whilst drinking ale and eating. I ate a quail, which was pretty cool. Turns out I wasn't supposed to. They were very... You got the quail and ale special? We watched a joust. My joust person lost.

It was very sad, but me undies get my zone very dry. If me undies can make Travis cool at a rin fair, they are capable of some pretty goddamn superhuman feats. They are the Jackie Chan of delicates. Right now, this is a great deal. meundies.com slash my brother. You can get 20% off your first order and free shipping. We've had so many listeners try these and they absolutely adore them. They're never going back to regular underwear. Don't get that six pack for eight cents. That's gross. Who knows what's in there? meundies.com slash my brother. For men and women. For everyone. Yeah, for everyone. They're fantastic underwear and you're just going to love them. I have a message here for Will and it's from Alita and Alita says to Will,

Will, we've been married for two years now. Can you believe it? And we're coming up on 10 years together. I'm really happy about it. I think you're just so great. You can make this sound really sarcastic. I think you're just so great. Really the greatest. I love you more than everything. Here's to all the future years of our super fun life. Love Alita. Do you love that this is the first non-ironic actually kind message that we've gotten in literally months and we managed to turn it into something dark and despicable or bad people or terrible, terrible people. Thank you for not just being like, hey, I'm going to make Griffin say dog farts now. Here I go. You did it. All right. That was actually their plan was to get you to say dog farts and they just

like took you way around the bend. That's a deep con. That's a deep 20 grifting. I have another message though and it's for Jorge Aviles. God, do you think I hit that? I think you nailed it. I think you nailed it. It's for Jorge Aviles and it's from Alisa. You had to give it another pass. You had to go back for it. You got a double dunk. And it's from Alisa who says, Jorge, thank you for introducing me to the brothers on that road trip we took to Big Bend. Beautiful, beautiful park. Thank you for letting me share in the therapeutic nature that is Mabin Bam. Laughing alongside with you while listening to their goofs is priceless. Happy birthday. Love always your Bobby or baby. I think it's Bobby. Probably Bobby. I think it's

Bobby Duke. If it's a show reference, it's probably Bobby. Love always your I'm glad I'm glad here that Melissa has acknowledged the therapeutic nature of MB&BM. Not enough people talk about like the recovery that can be accomplished just by simply listening to our episodes. Physical, mental, emotional. We'll adjust your fucking inner johns for free for nothing. If you went to an inner johns specialist, they're going to charge you like 60 bucks an hour. No one's going to get mad at you for moaning during my brother and my brother in the episode. Yeah, I just assume I've never listened to our show before, but I just assume that people who listen to our show are just constantly like, oh, yeah. Oh, man. Oh, the

pleasure. I'm gonna know it. Gross. I hate it. I hate it. Hi, I'm Julie Sabatier, host of rendered. It's a show about making meaning and breaking rules. We're answering important questions like, can you build a spacesuit in your living room? I went to my brother's place in Beaverton and he has a swimming pool and I pressurized the suit and sat down there underwater for about 10 minutes. The thing that I built was supporting my life. That felt really good. What does it sound like when you play a polka record through a styrofoam cup? And what happens when an airport carpet gains a cult following? Oh my goodness.

The carpet has an Instagram. Check out rendered now at maximumfun.org or wherever you like to listen to podcasts. Do you guys want a Yahoo? Yeah, Griffin. I would love one. This one was sent in by Yadru Druid Dru Davenport. Thank you, Dru. It's by Yadru Answers user Lane who asks, is there such a thing as spirit sitting that you can be paid for? Is it like being sitting? Like babysitting and being paid for your time. Oh, I was joking. For reals? It says update. The loudest like a whining baby crawling all over and in you. And that's not even information. That's a goddamn EE coming slam poem. I have a question. Griffin, read the exact phrasing of the question again. Is there such a thing as spirit sitting that you can be paid for? Like

babysitting and being paid for your time. Time out. That is a person who wants to get into this field and would like to be paid for their abilities with spirit sitting. And then the further details are the loudest like a whining baby crawling all over and in you. Okay, that's what happened here. This person put up this question and then they thought, well, I better get better at it in case anyone says yes. And then they got too big, too quick. They got into some shit they didn't understand. They got into some of his dark materials and they opened the door way wide. His capital H, his dark material. Lucifer. I was a babysitter for a summer and it basically involved me helping one of the children beat all the very hard bosses in Kingdom Hearts.

And I don't think that a spirit is going to be quite as chill. It's going to be me. It's going to be me just constantly walking around shutting cabinet doors. Very funny, real funny spirit, pretty good stuff. I go into the bathroom and I use the bathroom and when I wash my hands, all the skin falls off of my face in the mirror. And it's like, ah, it got me again spirit. Oh, check this out. Check this out. You ready? Mary Poppins, except for ghost children. You're welcome, Tim Burton. Please enjoy the movie that I have just written for you. Oh my God, it's already out and I'm looking at it on Rotten Tomatoes, 2% widely pan. Helena Bottom Carter is Mary Spookins. And

a spoonful of poison. That's my Helena Bottom Carter. Wait, why would you poison ghosts, Griffin? That's for any sense. Because they're already dead and it's like, that's like what they're into. A spoonful of holy water banishes you to the great beyond. Supercalifragilisticexpiala. Oh, shit. Ghost. She got scared by a ghost. Sure. The good news is there is someone who gets paid to sit spirits for you. Go to your living room window. Look out of the street. There's a van there. What's that van say on the side? It says the best in the biz. It's me. What do you bring to the table that makes you the best in the biz at ghost sitting? A Ouija board. I put it right on that table and I say, let's sort this out. Why are you still here? And then I do, I'm the best in

the biz. So I say I got rid of them. And what I do then is if you tell me the ghosts are back, I just say you're insane. You're actually an insane person. You need to go. No, you just say that's a different ghost. I'll take care of that one too. You got ghost up in the rafters. I'm looking out here. You got some ghost damage in the corner. No, Travis, I'm expanding the sale. I'll say you are insane. You need a head doctor, preferably one that makes house calls. Look outside your window. There's a van outside. You step out of it. David Blaine. What the fuck? How do you do it? You were David Blaine the whole time. Best in the biz for psychiatric issues. I come up and I help you that way too. I help you in every way imaginable. Let me hit you with

this. You throw down the Ouija. Throw down that Ouija board. You say, ghost, what is your unfinished business? I'm trying to sit you. And the triangle, the glass triangle starts moving and very slowly it spells out, I need help beating Jafar in Kingdom Hearts. I'm having a very hard time with the Jafar boss fight. Can you help me? And I'm like, yeah, dude, I got this. I actually want to use Thundaga. The greatest test of your Kingdom Hearts acumen is to give clues through Ouija board to say how to beat it. You have to have some fast dance. Well, not just the Ouija board is not a two-way thing. You could just say, you don't need to use the Ouija board to send messages to them. Yes, Travis, that's true, but Griffin is unable to see the ghost monitor. So

information about what is currently on the screen. Right. They're playing PlayStation in the spirit realm. Where all dead playstations go. Right. I don't know what kind of equipment they have. I don't know. I don't know, you know, how they've got goofy kitted out. One of my closest friends recently started selling cosmetics while I'm glad she found a way to make some extra money. She's always asked me if I want to buy some, even explain that she needs to hit her monthly sales goals as a friend. Am I obligated to just help her out and buy this stuff I don't need? And that's from not buying it in Boston. Sounds like you've already made up your mind. Why not just hand her money and just say, like, do you need it that badly? Here's 10 bucks.

Here's $500. I don't need any cream. The cream doesn't expire. Why don't you just stockpile? Listen, I totally get this question. I mean, in this day and age, Travis sells a lot of chocolate bars to try and pay for his band trip. Listen, we're just trying to get to King's Island, you guys. We just need this money. Isn't this the reason that these businesses exist? I mean, because nobody's really selling this shit to strangers. Nobody goes door to door anymore with this stuff. They're like sitting there and you're doing like, you know, a birthday party and you're like, well, you know, you know what would help with that problem? I'm sorry, overheard you talking about like bags under your eyes. I have this product, like that's why it exists.

And then you throw a small packet of cream at their eyes and it explodes and covers them. And you've just you've cream bombed them. And then they have to pay for it. That's a good sales tag. That's how you become best in the biz. I'm coming for your throne, Justin. Come at my throne. Can I ask why it's always cosmetics? Because if it was literally anything else, I would be totally down. If I ever friend that was like, listen, I have a hard time making my quota. I'm selling nature box snacks. I would be like, I'll sign me up for just everything. I'll buy all of everything you got. I'll drink up all the nature box you got on the shelf. Just let me introduce myself. My name is and then I start eating some potash, potashios.

Pistachios, potashios, it's pistachios with extra potassium. I once went on a great Twitter run where I was just coming up with the top 10 nicknames for pistachios. What do you guys got? Okay, here are some of the mods. Stashies, great. Peabombs. A little nut purse. What? Nut purses? That's excellent. A little nut purse. How about oyster crunch? Because it's like a little oyster and you crack it and you get a little crunch. I went with pistachios. Little greenies. Green nuts. Green nuts. Okay. I think the problem with this question. Pistons. I like that. The problem with this question is I get it because when your friend's like, hey, do you want to buy some of my wares? And you know that they're trying

to make money and do it as a business, it's really hard to look back at them and be like, no, I can buy this cheaper somewhere else and I support you doing it just not financially. Like that's tough. Yeah, that's right, Travis. This person has literally said exactly that. That this is a hard situation. I'm just trying to get his back on to actually helping them and not so much talking about pistachios. I was terrified of the sales career at an early age because of my exposure to the play Death of a Salesman. Here's what Death of a Salesman tells you about selling things. If you're really good at it, eventually you're going to be Willie Lohman because the, I don't know, the things will change and you won't be able to sell the widgets good

enough. Option two, it's going bad. Psych, you're already Willie Lohman. Uh-oh. You missed your chance to get off the bus. Don't be a salesperson. Everyone ends up like Willie Lohman. But can't you also end up like Alec Baldwin from Glenn Gray, Glenn Ross and always be closing? You'd love that, wouldn't you, Travis? I mean, as long as we're making, as long as we're making play references. See, see, you see Travis, that's a, that's a fictional piece of work. That's a fictional play. Oh, I see. Uh, salesmen die all the time. Like, that's, that's just for real. But do they ever truly live? I work in a small office inches away from three other people. We all get along well and then spend time talking as we work. This sounds good so far.

I don't know why you would need us. Sometimes we have lunches together. It is enjoyable. Later on, I go home and perhaps make some dinner and watch. Anyway, anyway, good night. Good night man in the moon. Another grand slam day in my cool life. Had some good talks, had some chicken pot pie. Pretty good all day. Tomorrow's Debra's birthday. We're going out for afternoon drinks. I'll get to that laundry tomorrow. It's no problem. He'll still be there. Uh, what guy though? We'll put on his headphones and tune us out until we start laughing or the conversation sounds interesting. Then he pops up his head and says, what, what are you talking about? Oh my God. He does this at least five times a day. We have to repeat the entire conversation

to him every time and it's making me crazy. Just pay attention. Brothers, how can I keep my cool and still have work chats around this guy? That's from Vext in Vancouver. Oh, Vancouver. I'd love to go by there sometime. Maybe make a visit there on, I don't know, August 30th. Does that sound good? Yeah, it's a date. Yeah, I think I can work that. I'll do that. If you, if you want to see me there, go to bit.ly forward slash van mb mb a m and buy a ticket anyway. Um, more on that later. More on that later. It's so, it's so, God, it's rare when a person possesses this sort of, uh, like robotic work ethic strategy and also like chronic FOMO or it's like you can't have both. You can't get the best of both worlds. Either do your business and be a good business boy

or be a like a lunchtime fun boy, but you cannot be both. You cannot be both. I have an idea. Boy, and a good business boy. That's too true, Griffin. I have an idea. Hit me, Travis. Every 20 minutes or so, lean over and ask him what he's listening to. Oh my God. Have him tell you about it and then lean back and like 30 minutes later, ask him again and do that until he's like, Hey man, why do you keep doing that? And be like, cause you do it. Cause you do it, Steve. Get the fuck out. You're fired. What if he's like Dave, the guy I used to work with at, uh, at TriData and the answer to that question is always CNC music factory. It's always, it is always the same CNC music factory coset tape. I think that that would be a pretty cool work day. Honestly, I'm,

I'm a big fan of their work. I recently in the car, uh, treated Sydney to my recitation of all the lyrics. He's going to make you sweat and she was not as impressed. Every time he asked what you're laughing or talking about, look him dead in his eye jellies and say you every time, every singles you were talking about you again. And he takes them off five minutes later. Hey, what's all the hub? It's you. I promise we're laughing at you and talking about you and not in a fun way to keep his headphones off then. Uh, how about one more Yahoo? I just want to get to it. I love one. It was sent in again by Drew Devonport. Thank you, Drew. Hat trick. You did it again. It's by a Yahoo Answers user cat who asks, is crying over a celebrity normal? I want everybody,

I want everybody to predict now. I know you're thinking Zane Malick maybe who, who the celeb in question this person has, has, uh, sent forward this, this, uh, quandary is crying over a celebrity normal cat asks for no reason. I have been crying over Willem Defoe. I was in my room watching one of his interviews and when it finished, I turned it over to watch TV. A few days later, I burst out in tears and I don't know if it was me thinking about Willem or if it was something else. I haven't been paying attention to him as much as I used to. I have been doing it for a few days. My boyfriend knows the reason for my crying and he's comforted me about it. My friend Maggie told me to stop crying and it just shut up about Willem Defoe. I've looked

up to him since I was nine years old. I'm 17 now though. My boyfriend said, just remember, I'm here for you if you need anything or if you want to talk about things like celebrities that I'm here for you. If you guys are going to say it's your hormones, it's not. I can tell you this has been going on for days. I go outside a lot. So don't say it's that either. Could someone please help me? Is crying over a celebrity normal? Do you think her boyfriend said it like as he was furtively throwing his personal possessions in a bag and buying plane tickets to anyone else? Just give me a call. Whatever. Gotta go. Gotta go. Is that window reinforced? You know what? I'll figure it out. Never mind. Bye. Griffin, does she at any point in that question stay?

Okay. That's what I want to get to. It's not like I heard Willem Defoe singing like a beautiful angel and it brought me to tears. I heard Willem Defoe talk about the death of his grandfather and how sad it was and it resonated with me on a very intimate level. No, it's just this person is going Willem Defoe. Wait, hold on. Wait. Willem Defoe is. He is. He exists. I think what this person is experiencing is guilt because they said in the question that she doesn't think about Willem Defoe as much as she used to. So maybe she feels like, hey, you know what I haven't been making enough of lately? Willem time. I need to set aside. So it's like that scene in Toy Story 3 where Andy comes across like all the old toys and she's

sitting there thinking, I need to pass Willem Defoe onto a six-year-old girl. I need to find a six-year-old girl and give her Willem Defoe. It's me, Willem Defoe. Have you thought about me lately? I noticed you haven't gone to see Grand Budapest Hotel. I don't know if I can take it. Finish it. What if Willem Defoe showed up every time anybody prayed? Smash the windows out. Finish it. I was about to. Give me a second, Willem. And are you wearing a green goblin costume that you made for yourself out of cardboard boxes? That looks terrible. Finish it. Okay. Just give me a second. And make sure you throw in an extra one for me. An extra prayer? What are you? An extra prayer for

me? God won't listen to me anymore. I need all the help I can get. Anything you got. Forgive me, Father. It's been a while since my last confession. And also on the last one that I did, I forgot to pray for Willem Defoe. And I feel super-duper guilty about that. You should. Oh, God, no. Wait, how did you? Is there a celebrity that when you guys think about them existing, they're existing. Just the thought of them moves you to tears. I'm betting that there's probably at least one. I'm trying to. I'm trying to work up a couple of big fat tears thinking about somebody. I got it. William Daniels. Mr. Feeny. John Adams. Pretty solid. Oh, just kind of. Oh, there they come.

Oh, there they come. Give him sadness. Sounds like a wounded animal. Don't you interrupt him. You get it all out. I gotta Google and make sure he's in Girl Meets World a lot. This is the first step. And he like. People are apparently confused. He is in Girl Meets World. People are confused as to whether or not he is a ghost. There is some confusion on Girl Meets World as to whether or not Mr. Feeny, the character from Boy Meets World is a ghost or not. Hey, Girl Meets World has your storytelling pretty good because people don't seem to be sure whether or not one of your major

characters is a ghost or is a human existing person. Do you think that that's part of the natural progression as an actor? You go from like playing the leading man to like a more wizened sort of like grandfatherly presence to anytime you're on screen, it is questioned whether or not you are a ghost. It's just people assume like I'm in that phase of my career. The ghost phase. I'm in the Sir Alec Guinness phase where I only play ghosts in all my movies. I need someone to come and house sit for my William Daniels ghost. He gets very scared at night. He is uncontrollable. He gets if he doesn't lay down to sleep by 7 p.m. Oh, there is just no dealing with him. It sounds like a job for one van. You know who that is? Van Morrison?

Best in the biz. No. Best in the biz. The van. My van I have. That's enough comedy for the van. Mr. Matthews, I'm a ghost now and I'm having a very difficult time beating the beauty and the beast level in Kingdom Hearts 2. Mr. Matthews, I need you to help me beat the dark Mickey boss fight, please. Can I hear that noise one more time? Excellent. Great. Great noise. That's my ringtone. That's the end of the show. Thank you so much for listening to our program. A big thanks to MeUndies for supporting the show. Go to meundies.com slash my brother and you can get 20% off your first order right now. You'll get also free shipping. If you want to come see us when we do our Pacific Northwest shows, if you live up there in the top left part of the country,

there's still tickets available for the Vancouver show. You can find those tickets at bit.ly slash vanmbambam. If you want to come see us in Seattle, there's tickets left for that show too. It's bit.ly slash mbmbam seattle. You can find all the details on when we'll be doing those shows and the specific venues there. Portland, that show is sold out, sorry, but if you want you can come see us in Seattle. There are still a bunch of tickets available for that one. If you're going to be in Seattle for packs, you can come to the show, but you do not need a packs badge to get into the mbmbam show. Those tickets are going fast and they're reserve seating. Do not wait, do not hesitate. Go get yourself some, go get those tickets. We haven't mentioned it in a while,

but we've got P.O. Boxes for the show in East Coast and a West Coast HQ. If there's anything you would like to send us, we get a lot of wedding invitations. That always makes us feel pretty special. Doesn't make you feel special though when we do not respond to them. We do not make it. The West Coast P.O. Box is P.O. Box 341769, Los Angeles, California 90034, P.O. Box 54, Huntington, West Virginia, 2506. I want to thank John Rodgerick in the long winters for the use of our theme song, It's a Departure, off the album Putting the Days to Bed. You should definitely, definitely buy and listen to that album a lot because it's super duper good and best of luck, as always, to John Rodgerick on his Seattle City Council run. We are rooting for you even if we

can't vote for you because we don't live in Seattle. I might do an absentee ballot. I don't think that's how that works Travis. Oh, bummer. There's new merch in the Maxfun store, new Maxfun merch, including an incredibly awesome new Solbones shirt. So go check it out, maxfunstore.com. And we also signed by Sydney's sister Taylor. There's lots of my brother and my brother and me merch there, other Maxfun merch. Go check it out. And please, if you can share the show with a buddy, rate it, review it on iTunes, we don't spend any money advertising the show. We never have. We literally never have, so if you can help us out. We never will. I don't know about that. I'm on my fucking grind now. But if you can just help us out now, when we're still in our

five year long grassroots campaign by just telling a friend about the show and making them listen to an episode when they're in your car with you. If you listen to our show and you just realize that, hey, I've been listening to five years worth of the show and I've never reviewed it. We're at 2,996 reviews on iTunes. I want to make it into the big leagues, please. 13 missed episodes in five years. Just wants to be Mr. 3000 is what he's saying. Basically, yes. And also, we get asked this a lot. If you would like to have a Jumbotron message, if you would like to wish someone a happy birthday or a happy anniversary or just say like, hey, I think you're great in the money zone, then just go to maximumfund.org forward slash jumbotron and you can set it all up there. We do a lot of them,

so we can't guarantee a time frame and maybe a delay. So, non-time specific, if you're willing to wait, it's a great way to tell someone you like them. And go listen to the other Max Fun shows. If you haven't, Jordan, Jesse, Go, Stop Pocketing Yourself, Throwing Shade, Sawbones, The Adventure Zone, Bunker Buddies, we do those three. There are a ton of really great shows. Later, The Lady, One Bad Mother, Pop Profit. Just go to maximumfund.org and poke around. Look around. There's a drop-down list of all the shows. You're going to like all of them. Oh, and a special plug here, friend of the show, John Hodgman, is coming to our hometown, well, not our hometown, but our home state, Charleston, West Virginia, live in June. Yes, this is happening. So, just search for John

Hodgman Charleston and you'll see tickets. I'm going to be there and I'm going to try to con my way on the stage to get my, just get, I just want to applause. I don't really want to do anything for it, but tickets are very reasonable, 30 bucks. It's part of festival June 22nd in Charleston, so go see our buddy John Hodgman with me. Y'all ready for that final? You know it. Yeah. Y'all ready for my new mixtape? This final mixtape is Fire and it was sent in by Zoe Kinski. Thank you, Zoe. It's by Yahoo Answers User, no name, no name available. Doug? Doug? Which, Doug? Doug Yahu? It's asked by Doug Yahu. Doug Yahu asks, why does the footballist Steve Madden now make fashion shoes?

Oh, I'm Justin McRoy. I'm Travis McRoy. I'm footballist Steve Madden. This has been my brother, my brother, and me because your dad's square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hello, I'm Taco, the Elephant magician. Moral high church here, the master of clerical magic. I'm Magnus Burnside, the fighter. Did you guys like that? Did you, the listener, like that? You were just swept up in a world of high fantasy and magic where anything can happen and anything is possible. I am Griffin McRoy, Dungeon Master for the Adventure Zone, a new podcast on Maximumfun, in which magic and mystery intertwine for a very erotically charged role-playing experience. You can catch it every

other Thursday here on Maximumfun.org for our iTunes. It's for Dungeons and Dragons, but with family.