My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 252: Face 2 Face: Sock Detectives

Episode Date: May 18, 2015

Here's our final live show from our Midwest tour from earlier this year, which took place Easter Sunday at the Athenaeum in beautiful Chicago, IL. Can you solve the sock mystery before TIME RUNS OUT?

The McElroy brothers are not experts and their advice should never be followed Travis insists. He's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening What's up you cool, baby Oh Welcome my brother made a vice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy I'm your middle-aged brother Travis McElroy And I'm your sweet baby brother Griffin McElroy

Thank you for that, and I'm going to need about half of you to leave Too many human beings in this room to watch us do our dick goofs. I I Pooped my pants. Oh good I didn't want you guys to be the ones to put me on blast on the drive to Chicago and poop my pants Just a turn to us while we were downstairs in the backstage area, and he said don't worry guys. I got the opener This is the one of you motherfuckers if I was like when we worked our way around to all you would need to hear the words poop Or pants and you'd be like, you know, I know someone who pooped his pants

That reminds you of an anecdote Yeah, I so there I I'm the one who said it. I'm owning it. It's my words Here's what happened. I've Charlie pooped her pants and Justin was like I can't later take all this heat. No This is on me. I thought it was a dress rehearsal and my butt thought it was opening night and Describe to them describe. No, but you guys are getting okay Get ready like this is the show now we because you're getting 10% of the goddamn story right now 90% the iceberg below the surface that you don't know is the window of time in which this Catastrophe elapsed Justin to you in which the prolapse elapsed. Do you want to go ahead and tell us talk?

We're leaving Milwaukee We'd been on the road for two minutes and we had been talking about how the architecture of Milwaukee was very very and Justin suddenly dropped out of the conversation rather quickly He's just saying huh look at that industrial bill. This is strange because this is one of Justin's favorite conversation topics Where'd you go man? You really dropped the ball turns out shit is pain Two minutes. We literally just left the hotel. It was like we should really stop and get gas before we go too much farther And I was like, yeah, we need gas really bad. We should stop somewhere right away I don't care if we're on the road or not. My wife kept asking me. How did it happen?

It's very erudite of her as she usually is it's a fucking terrific question She said it doesn't just happen just keep living life finds a way baby chaos theory Put that drop of water on your hand It's not gonna roll the same way because you shit your pants and it put some fucking English on the ball or something I don't know. I changed the course of human history You changed the course of our history this episode's history has been diverted. I would say If you is anybody here never listened to our show before it's okay That's actually a lot of people I'm kind of uncomfortable now. It doesn't always start this way what we do. We usually don't shit our pants

It's not our M.O. Self defecation Really freaked me out. She said it. No, it's like breaking the seal once you poop your pants in adult life You know, you're just the sort of person. She's a doctor. She knows what she's talking about we we take questions and We turn them out coming like into wisdom Typically in the intro we establish that we are authority figures on something and thereby we are Authority figure on honesty. Yeah, I guess on forthrightness On coming clean. What is our first question?

Chicago has a long history of impressively manly mustaches. I'll all Mike did come. Oh, what's up Chicago? There's a certain amount of authority that comes with some thick Tom Selleck lip foliage What as a lady Can I develop as a feature that gives me that instant air of authority? That's from number 100 doll watch fan and I have one so sorry for your loss. So sorry. So sorry to lose the classic bit And I have one word for you and it is unibrow It's not you saying that's like a high mustache it takes a mustache and it moves it up here it Unibrow it raises the handlebar

That's good. You should be the brand manager. I'm the brand manager. He's the madman of unibrow Picture this John Hamm reclining next to a pool unibrow. No letters. Just that never one goes good. Yeah. Yeah, that's good That's good. You got the deal also your drunk at work. Go home John Hamm. Oh, whoa, you know what's weird the Premier of it madman is airing right this very second. Yeah, so none of these people know that job Obviously, they've never seen no Batman fans. I assume you'd be home. Can you what about a mustache and a unibrow? Just big bug and Harry equals sign on your face You guys know that it's not like everyone can grow a unibrow by choice if they just let go of their will for a second

People only spend 10% of their brains cuz the other 9% like don't you grow hair between my eyebrows Don't you don't do it. Oh, man. That man's on poof. Shit. Yeah With the limelist pill. No, you you could do a beehive hairdo That's good. That says it. That's a no one says shit to that lady No one's ever cut her in line and expected like her to be like, oh, whatever you got there for your bees. Yeah No, well, I'll try if they don't What about like the rena the renaissance, you know when they put the bird cages in their giant hair style

Oh, it's like the living bird though with a living bird in there. You could just do that bird. That's a real power move That's great because it says I don't care about living things Including myself For an hour of beauty to be shit on until I get this thing out that's cuz that is what happened you guys they weren't like Thinking about the birds well being at that point. It wasn't a pet such an activist up here, man Like I'm just saying to the goofs and you're lost a lot of good birds. You're getting a little preachy about hair birds The hair everybody has for just pennies a day. You could save these hair birds How about a yeah? Yeah, I feel bad for those birds though because you know, they had to have a mum or they're looking around like

This is much worse than freedom I'm in a lady's hair. I think I'm gonna die now And if enough of that happens enough times eventually you're Brenda Fricker from Home Alone 2 and Her weird Because she didn't kill birds with her hair not in the scenes that you saw oh it hit the cutting room floor Like we can't leave in the scenes where Brenda kills the birds with her hair it just sends the wrong too much for kids That's why they every movie has that disclaimer no animals Including birds we're harming the making of this production. They had to put that it's the fricker clause. How about a yahoo answer? Yes, please? Oh

A lot of Yahoo answers for the audience this one was sent in by Ira Ray. Are you Ira Ray? Man That's too dumb a goof to like get a call-and-response for Apparently not Thank You Ira Ray. It's my yahoo answers user The website won't load No dogs alone. I don't think yeah, let's say

Jordan Jordash, Jordash, Jordash, Jordash asks any ideas for a sexy tongue trick At parties girls will tie knots in cherry stems and the guys will think it's hot I can do it too But I wanted to know if there are other tricks like the cherry stem one that I can do to impress everyone Has any dude ever seen a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue and thought that's hot She could probably tie my wiener with her tongue I

Think it's scientifically proven that it can't be done right like that's crazy. You don't have tongue What is that indica what skill does that indicate that it dudes like awesome awesome cool? I'd love for you to tie it up. I love it when she twins my wiener The usually the secret is you know your stuff already tied one down your lip and you just switch them out So hold on sorry Behind the magic which I'm not behind the sex magic tricks I'm gonna go Lance Burton on you guys, but there's those the brakes Hey Lance keeps his mouth shut what I'm saying is maybe it doesn't have to be a tight cherry stem

What if you put a regular cherry stem in there you bought a stick of juicy fruit Nobody's gonna see that shit coming That's sexy, what have you went around wait hold on is it Pull out some soggy juicy fruit like oh, I'm bonered. I'm 34. I've literally no way of knowing Can you just go around the party untying everybody else's What a wait hold on what have you done give me that cod? You're welcome. This was a perfectly good cherry stem What about a whole orange you put a whole orange in your mouth?

Mr. Peepers And you pull out a peeled orange. That's how Houdini died It's not I used to have a pretty good sexy tongue trick when I was younger Where I would make a spit bubble and blow it off And everyone saw and went I want to have sex he could know that you don't understand He's not talking about blowing like spit bubbles like the rest of us normal non reptilian human beings you He could like you know David Bowie labyrinth like whoo like Do it

No, this is not no no no No, no, this is not gonna be a bit like because I I used to be able to blow them and then blow them off the tongue But the secret is you have to blow in them with a dream And I you have to whisper a dream into them and I don't have any of those anymore So it's just a regular spit bubble on the tongue like a peasant and I'm not gonna embarrass myself in front of the Athenian Yeah, he's just admitted to shitting his pants Another question coming in hot There's a girl in one of my classes who cuts her fingernails during literally every class

Right, this is a challenging episode It's a small class only 12 people and we sit around one big square table Cross from which I can clearly watch her cutting her nails every day twice a week We're talking full-out nail clippers little pieces of fingernail flying across the table clicking noises the whole deal Yeah, we'd assume they're cuz of her mandibles. Yeah, this doesn't seem to be bothering anyone else, but it's awful, right? Yeah, am I insane and if not the bigger question at hand is how do I stop this monster without making it awkward? And that's from confrontational clippings in Chicago. Here. Are you here? Hey, is it possible that everyone else in the class are gaslighting you yet sounds because it is

impossible That there are what class of 12 so 10 other people non clip or non you That are not upset by this because you're sitting in a square, which is a shape where everyone's looking at each other So like they know they know have you have you not exchanged words with the other people in class like hey We should all drop this class right yeah Because it's obviously some it's like the in movies and TV where they have the psychology class But really they're not the students. They're the subjects and you're being wilded out on where we wait wild and out Wasn't the pump the trick show that was punk

Punk's was the trick show everybody. It was the wait wait shown was wild and out That was the one where I don't know it wasn't the prank show though. I know that for goddamn sure We're being too hard on this woman Maybe this is the only free time she has to clip her nails sing her mom doing her best non-traditional student Is the one time of the week she gets to clip her nails No, take a moment for her maybe there's something about the environment that is conducive to nail clipping Like maybe there's a lot of like dream yeah, like her goddamn kids aren't there for a second Judging her for her fingernails judging her mommy, please pick me up with your long nails

I can't hook me through the suspenders The problem is it's not once a league It's twice twice a week. It is two times who cuts their goddamn fingernails twice away Okay, the Tuesday is a cut. It's got to be Tuesday Thursday, right? This is a class. Is it Tuesday Thursday? Okay, oh my god within 72 hours How much of vitamin D Yeah, it's D. Don't stay up in the sun too long because then you go back I'm Wolverine

Wolverine can only use the special power I'm sorry, it's affected by D. He's solar powered. Superman's solar powered. It's not that weird I'm so sunburnt, but luckily I can scratch wicked good right now Tuesday is the real cutting day. Yeah, that's for Thursday maintenance, clean up, cuticle work, filing Thursday is for the ones she missed Thursday is the ones she missed. Ah, lots a lot of corners Tuesday trimming Wednesday leg day Thursday Clean up

Eat clean, train dirty. I don't want to be in her Wednesday class. Yeah. Sorry. What was that gym slogan you just posted on? Eat clean, train dirty. Yeah, okay. I saw it on a t-shirt in the Wisconsin Dells and it made a lot of sense We're big fans. We're big fans. Please God we talked about the Wisconsin Dells for like 15 minutes during last night's show in Milwaukee And it was unlistable. How about a Yahoo answer? Yeah, you'll get it in post This Yahoo was sent in by Rachel Neer. Thank you, Rachel. It's by Yahoo answers user Violetta who asks Thank you. What does it mean when a guy texts a girl a sad wink emoticon?

Get ready for some really solid audio people at home Yeah, it looks like this and then there's a semi-colon and a frown thing So like can you guys hear that the jumbo tron pretty clearly the the one I'm assuming is trained on us You're all doing it right now What does it mean when a guy text a girl a sad wink emoticon? I Said what you said with different words. Yeah, with this with you borrowed a serial killer's tongue I wish you were the canvas a witch. I could paint my virginal masterpiece

Whoops This is it this fucking question's over now, it's here you guys kill you're the unspoiled pastor which I'll plant musty Is it possible He said that he wants to have sex when he lost his eyeball Today What a climb that tree Mm-hmm The leading cause of eyeball fatalities

Got my ball allergy. It's got pointy sims and shit. Yeah, I don't get out in nature a lot I don't know it makes a lot of sense. It's got pointy stems and shit Whoa, I just got a text alert here breaking news hot a doll watch we got a fresh Hot a doll coming in you want him Terry gross come and claim For those of you who haven't listened to show before Terry Gress tried to kill her fuckers Haunted spirit doll genie caution porcelain doll five years orbs ghost emf. Let me see. It's more SEO Theme she's very like that one. Yeah, that's the most present any of these doll faces has ever been Here's a general disclaimer about ghosts in dolls all spirits take on a special vessel to claim as their home until the points

They do cross over the other side that may take more or an exact. No way Listen, that's going to take months or thousands of years If you choose a doll to live in for Thousands of years you should it's a it's rent control. What do you I get a really good rate on this dog? You guys are focusing on the thousands of years I focus on the months because it's never less than two months just like I'm still on I'm still unpacking It's still I haven't even found the good restaurants are on the doll yet Just like us. There's a lot to unpack here

So if you guys are going on going on one of your comedy bits every time I'll focus up Breaking news They claim a hose for different reasons just like us they may want to look a certain way for whatever reason that may be if they are shy They may want a mean look if they're mean they may want a shy look There is absolutely can't trust them get a tattoo of this everybody There is absolutely no rhyme or reason of what goes on in the spirit world That's some racist shit it seems like yeah They probably have a pretty goddamn good reason for doing what we just don't understand it

Jeannie was an only child Born to a couple that had waited till they had their careers set were ready to raise a child All right, their names are Joyce and John and they were in their mid-30s. You're just pulling this out of your head hold on Yes Travis Joyce John and Jeannie Joyce John and Jeannie That's that's what they were doing the family resided in New York But had two homes the other was in North Carolina way up in the mountains Jeannie's father had a pilot's license and a small Sorry this is what it says that they traveled back and forth and Jeannie loved to be in the air and she would have her cute little

Clothes on and hug her daddy's neck every time just before she was strapped in for the ride Jeannie at this point may be suspecting that Jeannie dies in a plane crash No, she doesn't the plane crashes hatching she survives no Just tail of harrowing that would be all survival That would be too obvious when her mother was sick one winter Jeannie was five years old Jeannie and her daddy decided to go To loan his mother did not one of them to miss the huge Christmas tree her grandfather cut down and decorated just for little Jeannie It is so unfortunate to say that I'm invested you got me invested. Please don't kill this child She's alive right now in my mind and event. She's dead. It's your fault. You're the killer

It is so unfortunate to say that Jeannie and her daddy crashed as they were coming across to the North Carolina line The plane had engine trouble and they looked at Jeannie and told her he loved her as his eyes are pouring tears And they went down and crashed in the field This is what I don't think any of this is true that doll was lying. She is Let's talk about Jeannie the doll. She is that's a very glamorous fucking story to make up, too Yeah, my daddy was a pilot You fell down some stairs Two homes nice try you cut you climbed a tree wrong

I'm a tree wrong. You lost your idea died Jeannie if that is your real name She is very spoiled. She has got her little mouth on her as well She says she's not a bad girl, but then she'll haul up and scratch a chair or table with her nails She's a doll She will get into your makeup and she loves to spray hairspray her hair She you madam madam madam. You're raising a doll as a baby. Stop it. It's not what is it possible Jeannie is her cat. Oh Shit, yeah Why do I have to feed my doll this doesn't make sense?

She says she likes her hair. She wears a bonnet so she does not get made fun of she says she'll punch someone Look at that stupid fucking doll Nice hair doll Got him Jeannie shows orbs and casts a bright light around her when she is happy always orbs just to fucking recap Jeannie's on sale for 45 dollars Jeannie Glows magic baubles when she's but 45 I'll let it 50 far too much But what it doesn't say is it takes a lot to make Jeannie happy. Yeah, you got to really go out of your way

We just spent like $60 on pizza. We could have gotten three hot and ruddies and a hearty-ass doll instead Jeannie is a clumsy speaker Jeannie is a clumsy spirit child. She runs funny almost like her feet one across each other But she's already afraid of being made fun of you dick. Yeah, she also runs funny. It's got stupid Jeannie spirit vessel is a very clunky doll. She flops around everywhere and is a handful I Never let a spirit child go out the door without first explaining where they are going to the doll Now listen If I search YouTube tonight, I want to find clips of that exact scenario happening. Hey champ. I'ma listen. I

Also package them very securely losing using a lot of new bubble wrap Because you don't know that you shit You know if it's used you run the risk of it being haunted and then that's their whole fucking day If they're attached to a specific item that will go with him and sometimes that is their comfort item So sometimes they have Accessories haunted accessories. I don't know how to tell you officer the doll love this bag of weed No run it through the spectrometer that shit ain't mine Residues officer better luck next time

This balloon of little cocaine might as well be called slimmer look at this thing It's shooting off EMF and extra plastic like crazy No returns I don't like this child what scenario do you pay $45 for a doll that shoots out glowing light when it's happy and what you're With you said she was a handful. You said pretty bland. She's pretty bland It's almost like she's made of plastic and cloth and just sits there on the table Hot a doll that's haunted. I'll watch Sorry Terry boy, this really takes me back. I

Like listening back to this because it makes me nostalgic for my human body Yeah, it seems like so long ago when girlfriend wasn't covered in fur We haven't even talked about how this is gonna affect our Pacific Northwest who are we won't be able to stay in non pet-friendly hotels We're gonna have to really vacuum out the rental van You know you guys have to take me out for walkies We might have to stop the shows halfway through if you have to go potty We got a lot to consider but the thing that's on my mind the most is what are we gonna put on this crotch? Good news me undies is there for humans and dogs. That's not dogs

Well, it's not true. It's only good for dogs that used to be humans. Otherwise, it's just gonna get confusing for the dog You guys got a little hole in the back for a little tail poke through me And these is dedicated offering the most comfortable underwear that fit great don't write up and literally pull moisture away from your skin So that you're cool all day long Now I don't make as much money now because I'm a dog and I make I make 50% on the dollar 50 cents on the dollar What uh, what can I do to knock that the price of these fine underwears down to a more manageable level for a dog They're already pretty good. You'd be paying twice this for this level of quality elsewhere But we can save you an additional 20% off to go to me undies comm slash

My brother and you get 20% off your first order plus free shipping on the checkout page Is there an option to pay with old bones and dead birds and bird bones? There is but you don't get the discount son of a bitch. Yeah, they get they get you coming and going when you're a dog everywhere. Sorry Uh, but I'll tell you what I'm not sorry about that's web design You haven't been sorry about web design since oh three Yeah, I'm not sorry about my web design anymore. I used to be very sorry, but you know what? I'm not anymore. Do you know why Travis? I'm gonna take a shot in the dark here Justin. It says because you use Squarespace now What the hell is Squarespace? It's an all-in-one website platform

It makes it fast and easy to create your own professional website none of that shit website You get all like Geo cities that are all just dancing hamsters and jit Squarespace offers beautiful templates integration with Google apps and get the images and features called cover pages Now this is uncomfortable because next week we are gonna be sponsored by Geo cities and No, that's gonna be an uncomfy mea culpa. Luckily every episode is a new Travis So it's like you reset when the episode ends and then we start over and whatever future Travis says Nothing to do with what present Travis sort of sort of like how I became a dog for this new season sort of we We basically pressed each drown Travis. Mm-hmm

And then there's a new Travis and you never know which one you're gonna get if Squarespace sounds good to you You can start a free trial with no credit card or choir Just go to Squarespace comm and use the code my brother all one word and you'll get 10% off of your first purchase Squarespace Build it beautiful. I would like to reread it like this with a comma in there build it beautiful. I Like that better. Yeah little flirtatious Challenge speaking beautiful. Here's a message for brown and it's from Frank and Frank says to beautiful brown Hot bacon mess. I hope you're having an amazing time in India and hopefully the curry mouse hasn't eaten all your food

I love you and I miss your horse and two donks. Hurry back. Love cheese mouse and Chandler the dog, too Sorry I Got a little aggro there. I just reading the name of another dog. I just fucking sets me up. I say Travis you got another message I do. This is maybe my new favorite message. It's for Christine from Daniel Daniel says next time you go to the grocery store. Could you pick up some tortilla chips? We're out. Well, not completely out There's some crumbs on the bottom of the bag But if I did those in a salsa, I'll probably get salsa on my fingers and then I'll have salsa fingers gross Also FYI I gave a hundred dollars to MB and BAM love Daniel

Balancing your checkbook through a podcast that you love it. It's it. I love it It's a service we provide that not a lot of people use Christine if you want to take on bridge with Daniel's usage of your money to give to us just go to a Maximumfund.org first-last jumbo Tron and buy another message telling him that he wasted his money. Yeah, drafter responds Anyway back to the show. Thank you all for listening to it is our last show in our Midwest tour if you can call it that three shows in my opinion does not a tour make it does speaking of we've got another tour coming up Oh, yeah, it's happening at the end of August August 28 29th and 30th

We're going to be in Portland Seattle and Vancouver Portland is already sold out But tickets are still on sale for Seattle and Vancouver if you go to bit.ly Ford slash mb mb am Seattle or bit.ly Ford slash a van mb mb am so V a n mb mb am Tickets are available there there. It's assigned seating and they're going fast The show's still three months away, but by that time there may not be tickets left. So get them now Don't wait. Thank you all for listening. Thank you Chicago people who came to the show on the Easter, which is crazy We really appreciate it. It's a cool night. There's a real cool night Land, uh, there's more of it. Let's get back to it. Why don't you read this next question? I'm very excited about it

I live with two other people one guy one girl And I think I better slow down. I'm worried that by the end of the show. I'm gonna be really drunk Well, yeah, they're like they're like 800 people that I share the same concern right now, okay, I Live with two other people one guy one girl and I think my roommates are in love with each other They fall asleep next to each other on the couch every night and we'll talk on their phone for our you're gonna give that back Yeah For hours when one of them isn't at home one of them told me they were attracted to the other when they were drunk See good things happen, too

They seem totally incompatible, but they're great roommates Should I try to get in the way of their love so they don't mess up the vibes for the three of us? That's from thinking about cock-blocking in Chicago PS I just found out the guy's a virgin Is there a gentleman in the audience right now who just went ha ha oh no Ah Jesus Sometimes I was like is this person here, but like I don't want to know I'm afraid that my ruin knife for just about everybody in the building And I know like a

Someone lives with you What a coink-a-dink I Love this question Because what it does is it gives voice To that element that lives within us all That says, but what does this mean for me? That sees two people cuddling on a couch and goes But what if this hurts me in some way if I were to Freud called it the ego I

Call it the Travis If you were to cut a small scratch and Travis is sternum it would step out of What's the game plan what's the game plan for splitting up are you going to sit do both of them What's the idea? The double fatal attraction This is a great question because it's like how subtle do you go when it's like oh cut along the couch bed bugs Yeah, what are you gonna like leave your dishes out? And then it's like oh man Todd left it goddamn dishes out Maureen, I don't love you anymore

Good work Todd your dishes made me not love Maureen anymore Todd you ate all my ranch dressing. I hate you Maureen I Had a big ranch dressing theme night play for myself a Maureen and you ruined it and you parted the veil of love Only now do I see the truth? We'd be awful together Was keeping us together and if it's this easy to take us apart then was a point what am I supposed to do with all this celery I Could do ants on a log, but I mean it would be what's up How about a yahoo answer from the yahoo answer service this one was sent in by Zoe kinsky, thank you Zoe

It's by yahoo answers user Julia M who asks Does insurance pay for ripping your butt open? So so So I had this classmate rip her butt open Because she torqued so hard and fell and then ripped it Once again because the next part's so great and I need to build up momentum So I had this classmate rip her butt open because she torqued so hard and fell and then ripped it. I know right What

Response are you anticipating the only thing that happened again? I know right ah Susan she's gonna be two people and she's not careful I Was just wondering if Obamacare pays for stitches everywhere Even in your butt. It's an interesting discussion my friends. I had what a fascinating discuss What are you kids talking about her on the lunch table? Obamacare butt stitches What a thinker This is a true story. It's really funny, but seriously, would she be able to be covered even though she literally twerked her ass open? I love the idea of like insurance companies getting together and say where do we draw the line

This far no further we're doing and we are getting too many butt open pieces coming in We can't be the anaconda music video came out and just our profits plummeted folks It's it's me rush limbaugh. You'll never believe this one. Listen to this Obama's really gone too far inside You know the kids that you've heard of kids twerking so hard or butts ripping in half Well, guess who's sipping in to fill the gap if you will pardon my French Obamacare that is sell on sell your gold To me rush limbaugh. I Think the only way that you get that covered is if you can prove if you can prove to the pretty good

Thanks, I appreciate it. I think the only way that you get it covered is if you can prove to the insurance company that it was an act of God I Started the cracker would have finished this Well insurance even cover it because it's in the short term it's gonna hurt but in the long term It's not bad, right? Wait, what's your hypothesis? It's like cool to have like more space down there. I don't I didn't think about it. I just started talking Just forget is dumb. It's a dumb idea. Forget it One of my local brunch spots offers a fixed-price menu approximately $30 per person

Which includes unlimited coffee. Wait, why was that funny to you cuz I know the rest of the thing. Okay a Limited coffee and mini donuts. Am I and I not may and why Donuts I in order to optimize this financial investment. Keep in mind. This person is among you before I read this next section. I Like to bring a gallon Ziploc bag And stealthily slip donuts into my purse I Feel that I am paying for this food and it is if it is truly unlimited then Obscawning these pastries is morally sound But I can't help feeling guilty and I avoid eye contact with anyone in my immediate proximity

Am I good That's from donut purse so when you say wait donut purse are you here? Oh Stand up doughnut purse way The fucking funniest thing that's gonna happen tonight. Yeah, okay. Thank you donut purse. Okay. Wait, hold on. Wait. She's got what qualifier Oh It's your sister's question your sister lives in Canada Oh my god, you have I want to be a fly on that wall. I have to go but smile speak confidently

Don't start off your thing with yeah, well I Here's the thing and and I want you I'm gonna talk to you wait wait wait wait just to recap for people who are listening to a podcast The donut burglar's sister is here The donut burger the donut burglar did a flight mess up, but she's not but she said her sister in her step But we are going to speak to you like you're her you're gonna be the proxy You're gonna carry this experience home with you and share it word for word. So when you say You think it's morally sound and then follow that up with

But I feel guilty and don't make eye contact with evil. What you mean is I'm lying to myself I'm lying. It is morally noisy Static and the morally bankrupt because no one's ever done something that they thought was really moral and gone No one's saved a cat from a tree like that secret treasures Did do you know the name of the place where you can get a bunch of donuts asking for a friend? This is apparently easily fucking griftable And I want to turn everybody else. I know there's highly griftable establishment

Oh When you can eat infinity doughnut sizes and you take a gallon of it's like a pound of feathers a pound of bricks It's still a gallon of doughnut She said she doesn't feel the back Because that's what the question would leave me to believe she's a liar is that what you said a lion a thief cool sister She does sound pretty It's pretty baller Because then if she gets caught they go hey, oh well well you could have done worse

You only did a little crime so last last night in Milwaukee is where we were last night. I ate enough salad to earn two 200 cookie points 200 cookie points to cookie vouchers. It's a hundred a hundred cookie points Wait, but when I went out to redeem my cookie points from the cookie tray There were some tiny mini cookies, and I looked at them. I was like as if I Had to work hard for these cookie points

So I get it. I get many I get what you're saying I'd be looking for as a patron of Donut zone because you we don't know the name of the place yet is I would look on this person doing this in horror Until they reach it in the back and show me there's another smaller ziploc bag in here And I'm not just like a psychopath of the purse full of loose doughnuts Getting on my checkbook and stuff You may think I'm a sticky vicky, but let me correct your assumptions. No, it's normal. There's a bag in here

So we hope that helps Griffin, how about a yahoo? Yeah, we can do one more yahoo We're gonna throw it to the audience too after this for questions. There's a mic. I think in the middle Will there be a mic? Yeah, someone just pointed to it. It's right there in the middle So it might be kind of tricky to get to but we're gonna do yahoo first. You may know the rule about questions No bummers. No bummers. No bummers. This yahoo was sent in by Recognize the game of Rachel Sperling take a moment and

What's that over there? Oh, it's game. Yeah. Oh, I see it and I recognize it. Thank you Travis Uh, thank you. Rachel's by yahoo answers user Alicia who asks how do I answer to prom joker style dark knight? Boyfriend asked me dark knight related. I need to answer in same theme help With grammar wait one more time just read the boyfriend asked me dark knight related I need to answer in same theme help. I love this question for so many reasons. The first of which is that this guy was like like Pray to swear to me that you'll go to prom with me And then she and then she was like that's dope, but hold on

Tap tap tap tap yahoo answers Siri Um, how to answer to prom joker style dark knight The difference between you and me is I'm not wearing a boutonniere Because I because I'll wear the corsage and you'll wear the boutonniere. That's a confusing way to say yes to anything Because because I'm saying yes Uh, that's batman style specifically looking for jokers. Okay. Um, not interested in a harvey dint not interested in the penguin specific why so serious about taking me to prom yes

That's really round about that you're really making them work for oh just leave a joker card that says yeah sure It's not solid, but neither is she from the sound of it. Can you You should uh, you should keep the theme going all night like if you get lost on the way to dinner You're just like where's macaroni girl The what the last word doesn't fit in the quote sign. Okay, because I keep it quiet. Can you Now hold on. Okay. Can you Blow up and kill maggie jillian hall now listen hold on

He's going places hold on let him finish But then when she explodes because he blew her up and killed her it would spell prom in the air or something and smoke Except it wouldn't say prom because that's not how you answer when somebody asks you to prom do you want to go to prom prom Hold on. Let me kill. Where does that mean prom? I can't do a second take If jillian hall, I guess as I put out all my reviews for films there is only one maggie jillian hall Uh, let's take questions for me. Yeah, sure. Okay, great So here's how this works. If you have a question, can we get house lights? No And also don't make it about right. There's a whole tier of there's a whole strata

This next 20 minutes is going to be a goddamn disaster because you just doubled the human high. Yes. Hello. Hello So, yeah, let's see some no one has stood up We saw somebody Uh, hello, hi. Hi. Um, do I just ask it you say your name? Yeah, let her rip Do you got a dope lead up that you can do before your drop you got to enter a theme you work Here she comes Here's her question Her name's repellent. Wait, what's your name? My name is tina. All right, god. What if I guessed it? Ladies and gentlemen

Tina Now go okay go and it better be dope now because travis just I gave myself a huge headache for that Crash it tina. Uh, my boyfriend orders chicken tenders at every restaurant I This question's gonna rule tell me he's here standing up thug Who's my good good chicken tender boy Who is a connoisseur of dippins? He only likes ketchup He's a man who knows what he likes. Yeah. All right. So so sorry. So my question is how can I make him more adventurous?

Give him some tender some chicken firms What that sucks. No, you know, that's not a That's where you drop the mic into the garbage and find a new career Chicken where were we can you cut him up and say now you're into nugs? Those are basically nugs what happens. Wait, this is a serious question. What happens if you're in a restaurant That does not have chicken tenders. Yeah Um, I guess he just doesn't eat anything. He breaches into his pocket. Wait, hold on tina. Have you not run into this situation yet? Do you call ahead?

Listen, I mean, it's me tina. Do you have tendos? Tell me honest. I'm not gonna make a reservation. Most restaurants have a kid's menu. So sure right. That's true Ori, what's your boyfriend's name? Rob or a rob's menu is what we're calling it from now on. Hey listen I think It's totally cool Why is that? If you're a person who knows that clearly what you're into Why the fuck not rob rob?

Did you know you're a chicken tendersman? Yeah. Yeah rob rob my suit just thumbs up a thumbs down rob chicken tender boy Did you remember the first time you had chicken? Do you remember the first time you had chicken tenders that you were like? This is it. This is it. I found you More importantly, do you remember the last time you had anything else? Yeah, I hear that barbershop sent in. Yeah, sure. Love rob rob. If they make you had do chicken tenders make you happy rob Okay Teen don't worry about what we think hey teen a big shot. Hey teen a big shot. What do you get at restaurants? It's so cool

Thank you, Tina. No, I want to know the answer to that question One thing you got at a restaurant last time Oh, uh, we went to giordano's and I got a stuffed pizza with pepperoni and peppers It sounds pretty good. Yeah, that actually sounds pretty good. Okay. Good job. Thank you. You're better than rob next Yeah, you're right up here. Come on. Yeah, come on. Yes Hello, we're gonna do some non-metal people next. I promise. Hi, uh, my cat always orders chicken tenders What is your name first and then goofs matt matt matt goof away. All right Don't do the same goof again. That's our thing

My cat is a jerk to my girlfriend's cat and I feel like I have to choose between my cat and my girlfriend Oh, well, which one of them do you have sex with? Can I Wait, can I That's a one word answer homie Can I say that in illinois? Yeah, I don't know. We're not from here, dude Epstein, yeah, okay, you should Uh, why why are these two cats? Do you live together? No, then why the fuck are your cats having meetings of the mind?

It's not a double date, right? We've run out of things to talk about without the two of them Is it a cring situation where the cat's embedded in your chest? Cause if not, leave it the fuck at home It's cool there. It likes it there Also, here's the thing. I don't know how much you know about cats It's a really long prolonged part process to like introduce cats to each other You don't get to just throw them into your room Jackson galaxy, right Jackson galaxy's never rolled up like guys. Sorry You got to split up. You got to break up. You got to i'm jack. There's no hope here. There's just it's it your love's over

Or you can leave your cat at home one of the two Does that help Did it? I mean, no not at all. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate your honesty Right here, right here. I'm looking at you. Yes you stand up. Yes you yeah crowd. Come on over crowd help her I'm done catering to the middle. Hello. My name is abby. Hi abby Cory All right, how about those cardinals?

Perfect Jesus Travis I should just took an elevator down to another show. I heard night veils downstairs Okay, so this is not a bummer. It's more serious questions than cat problems. I fuck so you just put him in his place Okay, so I would say like I have a lot of good friends and we get along we have a great time But it's always me doing the inviting This is some messed up etiquette in my opinion if I don't ask it doesn't happen And so I'll wait and I'll wait for an invitation and then it has to be me

Am I crazy here? Or can I ask you a question? Yes, I'm sorry. I didn't catch your first name abby abby She didn't give her last name either I didn't catch her social security number abby um Are you likeable? Wow, wow, Jesus Abby She's invited me to another thing Is it pot no you only love paintball?

Now that is a good question. That's a good question. It's always specifically frothing. I can't I can tell you which is frog golfing in case you're wondering frog golfing. Yeah It's big with the kids They eat and not as big with the frogs because no the frogs hate it frogs hate it Are your events like frothing aside? Are your events like sick? Is there platters of food? I'm a caterer. No, it's usually like talking and having coffee going to see movies Well, that's like humans are Pavlovian beings like if you keep doing it, they're gonna wait for yes Do you have like a dope place and your friends are all boxcar children?

All your friends a group of ragamuffins All right, well, all right, so then I just had to make the parties doper and then we'll just start coming on their own No, no, that's not no abby. I feel like you're not listening but that's all the time we have for you That guy's working his ass off Sir, I mean you're literally as far away as a person on the balcony He could at least hurl their body off. Oh, and he's going the long way could go out through the lobby And here he is. All right, what's your name, buddy? Bobby. Hey, Bobby Like y'all ready, Bobby go ahead. I'm proud of you. So I recently went on a date with somebody and uh that next morning nice little bragging

Well, that's a little braggy, right? Bye Bobby Bobby go on Bobby. Sorry Bobby. Sorry. That was very rude Bobby. I'm sorry classic us and classic Bobby That next morning when it came time for her to leave we realized we couldn't find one of her socks This is okay Uh, and I that was about two weeks ago and I spent the last two weeks receiving text messages from her asking Where's my sock? So what's your question, Bobby? Bobby?

Where is the sock we don't know, Bob? Do we have a number for a good sock detective? Wait, the worm has turned Robert is holding the sock. Now this is a fucking radio drama Bobby's holding the sock. He is say anything in the sock This is the way Bob continue Or don't because why the fuck do you have this sock, Bobby? Everyone be aware of the fact that Bobby had something during his prep for the evening

Bobby you created a circle of trust and then you stepped outside of it with another human being sock Bob before he left the house this evening said I'm asking that question I'm breaking that sock You can't pretend like you didn't because you got fucking prop comedy in the mix, Bobby Hey, by the way, do we not have security at this theater that is frisky people for socks? So what's your question, Bob? Bob? Yesterday in my laundry, I found the sock. How do I get the sock back to her without You fucking hold a Tibetan sky burial for it and hope for the best

You throw it into a flock of birds overhead and if it happens it happens Because there's no nine creepy way Bobby. Not now. How you were talking, Bob? You were turning and just saying I used it up Robert She's a listener. Bob. Here's what you do. You leave the sock here tonight. Okay, if it is meant to be Bobby ever see serendipity Leave it in the laundry mat if it turns up on her foot again in 10 years You're meant to be stitch your phone number into it or something. I don't know. I don't know. I'm not John Kisak expert Robert You you weirdo. Thank you for coming. Thank you very much. Thank you so much for coming. I hope this was comfortable

All right, Chicago, thank you so much for having us. You've been really fun and super cool and nice This is the end of our tour. We finished our first tour, our three show tour We are um, we are ending it in the city where we did our we did our first ever live show here in Chicago five years ago Fuck fuck. Yeah, no four years. No four years ago at second much better for our first shows in second city for about 120th this many people. Yeah, um, and uh, this is insane by the way. Thank you so so much for this night And and uh We want to say here's think uh, yeah, the athenaeum Yeah, earthy athenaeum. What a hurry. Athenaeum is right athenaeum

The first time you did this is a beautiful awesome theater. Yeah, and they've been super nice It's a hundred and four years old told me this three times tonight It's a hundred four years old, uh, and it should be a historical landmark But you see in 1970 they put an elevator they upgraded the elevator And now they want to award it national I will certainly mark status, which is bullshit Yeah, I will say I don't think they upgraded the plumbing in 1970 because I'm pretty sure I pooped wrong downstairs and destroyed the entire building It seems right to say this here because like we did our first live show here Thank you so much to everybody out in the audience for listening to our show for however many years you've been listening

We sincerely appreciate we recorded it so we could have more of an opportunity to talk to each other on a weekly basis And the fact that so many of you like and enjoy it means the world to us. It's incredibly humbling Also, I meant to say at the beginning of the show. He has risen. There it is How about how about on that note? Oh, thank you to john rodrick and the long winters for the name song instead of part trophy I'm gonna put in the days to bed. Thank you john rodrick and don't forget. There's the amazing posters. Oh my god Oh, yeah, this is only at the show in the lobby It talks about this show on on here and it's really nice paper and everything so you should buy it's a really quality paper quality paper

Uh final yahoo final yahoo. I got one final yahoo want to go on This final yahoo answer was sent. Whoa. What was that? You just getting ready? Just bracing, baby hit me This final yahoo was sent in by I'm getting the zone. Sorry. Justin just did like a fucking uh, uh gone in 60 seconds maneuver that uh Nicholas K's that was me. All right. Let's go. Do you want to know seriously what it was? It was me setting my drink down so I'd have a free hand to take the bottle of the desi backstage. Okay, go ahead Behind the curtain with my brother my brother By bill Andrews. Thank you bill Andrews. It's by yahoo answers user jerry wailand who asks

Will there be reggae in the future? Say your name. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This is with my brother my brother me kiss your dad square on the lips And Just want to add one more reminder. Thank you to me undies for supporting the podcast go to me undies.com Slash my brother and get 200 off your first order and right now you'll get free shipping. Bye everybody. Bye. Thanks for listening Maximum fun or comedy and culture artist owned listener supported Do you think it's okay to finish someone else's food? Do you have a fight with your friend over whether or not he should wear his filly's garb to a colorado rocky's game?

Does your wife want to keep a chamber pot in her art studio? If so Please do not write into judge john hajman. I heard all those cases already Judge john hajman is the show where I john hajman adjudicate disputes between real people calling in over the internet And I tell them who is right and who is wrong over such important issues as is a machine gun a robot And is it okay to go through the garbage at the canadian house of pizza and garbage? bail of jesse thorn rounds out the cast for a fun-filled podcast of judgment and Justice kind of to the same thing actually judge john hajman. Take a listen if you do not mind I order it come visit the courtroom. It is open to all and located at maximum fun dot org