My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 255: Kangaroo Jack Blood

Episode Date: June 8, 2015

This week, we offer a treatise on modern critical thought, and how our cultural needs and desires have shifted as the critical process has become more democratized. Also, we go deep into Guy Fieri. Suggested talking points: On the Run, Dilbert Reviews, Fast Spies, Daniel Craigslist, Two Pizzas, G'Day USA, Deals Warlock, Fighter Spreadsheets, Agent Fieri, Sushi Candy

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hey everybody, it's my brother, my brother, and me. Advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I mean, I'm your middle-list brother, Travis. I found these grubs in these berries, guys. These grubs and berries, we need some protein. Hey, I'm Griffin McElroy. Sorry, I'm looped out from those berries on the trail.

That was a mistake. We are currently on the rung with our faces ashened, like Dekisian children. We're on the run for the Powerade Factory slash Gulag slash Fitness Center that we escaped from after last week's debacle. We're trying to make it to Upper Montana. We hear there's freedom there. Raul is dead. I bit him to death. I bit him, and I just kept biting and biting and biting, and Justin and Travis are like, go, Griffin, go, go, go, bite. Go, go, Chaz, bite, bite, bite, bite. And I said, run it. In my dog voice. And then I bit him and he died from all the bites. Griffin's, sorry. A lot of people have noticed that Griffin slash Chaz. Well, no, I'm going to

explain what happened. A lot of people have noticed that we've been referring to Chaz slash Griffin intermittently as both Chaz and Griffin. Here's the really scary thing. Griffin's human to dog surgery is starting to wear off. It's starting to fail. It was a spell. Was it a spell? I got a spell. I got a medical spell. I've got a, I got three paws. I got a foot and half of my face is human, but not the half you'd expect. The inside half. The inside half. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. It's a slimy, furry prison, and I hate it. Please, please set me free. So I just do want to say real quick, this, we are sponsored by PowerAid, the thirst, the feeder. They've got a lot of different flavors.

We're contractually obligated still. Why did we sign it? Why did we, why did we agree to do it? Why did we sign it in blood? I tell you, I tell you the worst. It was weird that there was so much chanting and stuff, right? Like that's not me. Like now, like looking back on it in the moment, it didn't seem weird, but now that I look back on it, it seems weird. Yeah, like any sort of, from this point forward, we got to be more savvy about this stuff. Any sort of professional advertising arrangement that involves the opening of a cosmic portal, we just don't, maybe we pass on that one. I know the money's good, but we just pass on that one. I tell you the real shame about all this is I genuinely enjoy the PowerAid product. I do too. It defeats my

thirst in a really, really satisfying, in a way that I would say no other fluid is capable of doing. And now like, I don't know, the whole thing's been solid for me a little bit. This worst part is genuinely refreshing. It's genuinely, it blasts my flavor receptors. It overwhelms me with its power, aid. But anyway, this is still an advice show for the modern era. And I'm still your oldest brother, Justin McRoy. I'm still your middle-est brother, Travis McRoy, like I said earlier. I'm still just figuring myself out. I'm, I'm, I'm the protagonist in a Judy, a weird, weird Judy Bloom slash HP Lovecraft book. HP Bloom. Judy Lovecraft? Judy Lovecraft. Judy Lovecraft. Yeah, it was right there. Damn it. Anyway, it's an advice show. Here

we go. Dear sweet, sweet brothers, I need your assistance. I started working in a small office setting about nine months ago. I have roughly five coworkers. I've never had any run-ins with any of them until recently. One gentleman that has an office two cubicles down from me has started snooping around my area while I'm working to what I imagine is make sure I'm working on some baloney like that. No, you've read that so bad. Let me try again. You're working on that baloney, right? Hey, where are you on that baloney, Steve? You're still working on it. You're my top man for baloney projects. Uh, no, working or some, but it is okay. It is literally, it's already hard enough to, uh, for me to read out loud. Do I really have to try to translate in my head the letters in

balogna to baloney, like on the fly? Like I'm supposed to be able to do that processing instantly? Yeah, what is this? The talented and gifted program? Come on, people. I work hard, but take a minute or two every now and then to turn on a new podcast. Uh, thank you. Or take a second to stretch out just like anybody else. So how can I look like I'm working without this guy coming at moments where it looks like I'm not and that's from annoyed in Atlanta? Is this guy your boss? Because you don't say that he's your boss. And if he's not your boss, what's up? What's up with that? I say, then you just make eye contact with him and nod like, yeah, I am do some. Uh, if you're, if you're on a good website, then they'll have a

boss button with like a zany picture of a boss next to it. Yeah, you'll click and it'll look like spreadsheets or something. And what does a boss look like? Just give me, give me, give me an idea of what a boss is like. He's got fat head. He's got that weird. Oh, so it's a man. You're just going to go ahead and assume it's, it is a man. I'm saying the boss, the stylized boss from the boss button. The misogynistic web joke on the web portal. He's got a cigar. You know, the Dilbert minigame collection. You guys remember the Dilbert minigame collection that we had? Absolutely. Yeah, I think I just got put in the video game hall of fame. It was in the, it's in the video game hall of fame. They're speed running it during this year's summer game

still in quick event. I'm really excited about it. It was a game that I think you got out of a chex mix bag. Yeah, Dilbert's desktop game was a family favorite. Just like, because we all, as like preteens, like we knew how hard it was to be a wage slave in middle management, you know, office drone kind of thing. So we really appreciated those gags. But the Dilbert desktop games had a boss button on it, but it would, it would turn your desktop into spreadsheets, which was good. But there were still like some Dilbert touches. So like, I don't know how you would explain to your boss like, no, well, yeah, it's a Dilbert centric spreadsheet. You see, I got a theory I'm working on the way we improve business is Dilbert. I got some,

some Dilbert futures that I'm looking into investment. Listen, boss, we need to invest heavily in Dilbert. Please, please understand, these are Dilbert stickers that are stuck permanently to my monitor. I can't get these things off. They're, they're all over my work. They were here when I got here. Here's a quick clip from the games, the GameSpot review of Dilbert's desktop games. This review refined CEO simulator, the most disappointing of the functional actual mini-games. What was promised to play out like a business simulator is really nothing more than an effort that can best be described as watering a plant to see it bloom a huge but unimpressive flower. Burn it down. Burn the game down. I'm canceling my reservation at the

electronics boutique. I'm going to Babbage's and I'm going to have a firm conversation with the manager there. I, I, I'm just, I can't, it's hard for me to advise in this situation because I'm just so incensed at this nark at this, at this work cop. Here's the thing Griffin, all you need because this is the worst way this could play out, right? Like the, I guess best case scenario for this snoop person is they see you doing some non-work related activity. They go tattle like a little tattle baby and then the boss comes and you're back to working and you're like, I don't know what he's talking about. Like maybe I checked my phone because I'm waiting for a call from my father, but is that it? Is that what you're talking about Steve? And then Steve looks like an asshole.

Like there, unless Steve is like snapping paparazzo pictures of you, like googling your own name, I think you're probably going to be fine as long as he's not like your boss. If he's like your supervisor and he's trying to get like a gotcha moment, you need to find a new job. It's kind of like you're living in utopia, the television show that was short-lived, but beloved on its time on this earth. By two-thirds of this of the world's population as represented by this pocket. Why would they cancel the show if two-thirds of the world was watching it? Like I was so deep. Do you guys want a yahoo? Yeah, please. Oh wait, one other thing. This reviewer and the friend that introduced this game to this reviewer has written like this.

This reviewer and the friend that introduced this game to this reviewer have always been fans of Scott Adams brainchild. Therefore, it was much to this reviewer's delight when given the chance to play the game that he more or less sanctioned. Oh, yahoo would be excellent. Okay, here it comes. This one's sitting by level 9000. Yahdru answers user, Drew Davenport. I forget all of this honorifics. Thank you, Drew. It's by an anonymous yahdru user who asks, I want to become a freelance spy and have an agency. How do I get missions? Brother, if you could figure that out, you let me know. You're talking right to 14-year-old Travis. Slash 30-year-old Travis. Slash the 14-year-old Travis that lives in

31-year-old Travis and wears him like an exoskeleton. Man, there's a lot of exoskeleton talk Is this something that we're all really struggling with? Because if so, we need to form some sort of support group. How do you get missions for your freelance spy agency? Let's go ahead and assume this person is 14. Okay. Yeah, right. 14 spy. So I guess it depends on what kind of spy you want to be. Because there's like two or three different kinds. You got like your James Bond, who's like your smooth, you know, kind of cool person. Oh, okay. I was thinking more like Halloween candy was stolen from Jennifer. And well, now we're going to track it down. Although that's more... It's me, smooth, cool person, Bond. James Bond.

What is it? I'm trying to break down the classifications. I haven't come up with labels or anything yet. You've also got kind of like your robber spies, right? Like your, your like cat burglar spies. But those are just cat burglars. A spy is a very specific gig. And it's not... I would say like, what's his name? The Tom Cruise from those, those ghost protocol movies. Yeah, he's... Those mission impossible movies. Yeah, he's a spy. There's Sutterfuge and Subtlety and all kinds of sub based words. But I would say that he does a lot of cat burglaring stuff. He lowers in on wires. He kind of like wears masks. Are the Fast and the Furious crew spies? I would say that they're spies by

the later movies. When you get into like the six, sevens and eights, they're, they're contracted by the Furious. The Forbidden Fast and Furious. Yeah, the non canonical. The Christmas special. Hey, we got a Steel Santa sleigh. It's armed with nuclear devices. We got a Steel Santa sleigh. You got it. Saddle up one last ride. The Fast Crew. The Fast Crew will return in Fast Nine. You literally just said it was your last ride. I'm currently watching Fast Five. Quick diversion for Fast Five. Like right this second? Objections. Yeah, it's better than this. I'm currently watching... No, I'm currently... What I mean by that is I have a baby, so I watch it in 15 minute increments. It's like,

I'm like literally, I'm reading Fast Five chapter by chapter is basically what I'm doing. I've been watching Fast Five for two weeks. So I've had a lot of time to think about it. The flip that the special agent The Rock makes is basically just the most insane thing I've ever seen on a television show. I think he enters into a fugue state. If I remember correctly, does he get hit on the head and forget what morals are? Is what I remember happens in the movie? No, he just decides that instead of capturing the criminals that he was sent to capture, he's going to kill a drug dealer on foreign soil. Like that's what he's going to try that instead. Like not even capture this dude. He's just going to go kill this drug dealer instead with the

criminals. I've seen up through Fast Six and they all bleed together so much. I can't remember movie to movie what happens in which movie. I just remember it as one kind of like Calamari Domacy. It's all just rolled up into one big ball of Fast and the Furious in my head and I cannot separate out individual storylines. Right. Well, that's the it's all occurring simultaneously. Yeah, they drove so fast that they broke the time barrier. Time no longer works in the Fast Five universe. That makes so much sense. How's this person going to get missions? The Furiverse. The Fast and Furiverse. How's this person going to get freelance by missions? I feel like there's probably a website. Craigslist? Something like Daniel Craigslist. That's good. That's excellent

Travis. If I were to, I mean I've written some spy fiction, a series of novels titled Grant Andrews Kid Cop that I think might be able to shine some light in this and in my... Published by Rock Books, isn't it Griffin? In the seminal chapter, the beginning, the best seller, Grant Andrews Kid Cop no subtitle. He just starts doing the cop's job for them, right? Like they find a bomb in a bank and he just takes it and he takes it to the park and he throws it in a pond and then when it detonates it's nothing happens and then he gets to be a cop for that. So it may be if you want to be a kid spy, you just start spying and then the cash flow will come later. Don't worry about the cash flow Well Griffin, do you think that with that advice do you think you start spying on neighbors? Like

you start small and you kind of build up to kind of spying on international heads of state? No, no, no. If you're going to go to town you go on a Lincoln and you drive that Lincoln to Abu Dhabi or something and then you just start spying on criminals. So the first thing you need to do is get to Abu Dhabi. Yeah, easy. And then just start spying on diplomats. Yeah, just start paying. You keep saying spying and spying is, I feel like you're saying it like it's a bad word, just pay attention to what other people are doing and pay attention to what other people are doing in their private times when they don't want to hear it. Well, wait a minute. What if the dude in the first question asked was in office was in like very, very basic rudimentary spy training?

Oh my god. He was in like, he was in remedial recon. Yeah, exactly. Grant Andrew's job cop is actually... Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. I wrote that one already. That was the fourth book in the series. Information Gathering Basics, otherwise known as 411101. I'm at work and I just ordered two medium pizzas. Bragg. I would love that right now because I want a pizza. It's 11. It's 11 in the morning. No, it's 1121. We're cruising up on pizza time. Okay. Raise your hand if you've been up since 530. It's pizza time. I wanted pizza. It was a deal on Pizza Hut's website. When it gets here, I fear the 13 people in the office with me will want some or at least harshly judge me for having ordered two pizzas for myself. How could you fuck this up this bad? I'm happy to share,

but I don't want to send out an email to everyone letting them all know that some of them could get a pizza. They're quick. And I've already eaten my fill. You just toss in the scraps and let them finalize for your meals. No, I believe I have room for one final pepperoni. Slide it between my slippery grease-dained lips. Deborah, kill Stephen for this slice of cheese pizza. Have I made a horrible mistake? Yes. What would you do if you were in my position? Quit. That's from Andy. I wouldn't be in your position, Andrew. That's like basic. That's basics classroom. Bring enough gum, homie. Your only chance now is to throw some sort of survivor reward challenge there away and call it some sort of company-wide bonding activity.

You could also, when the pizza delivery person shows up, accuse them of being a liar and send them away. Is this some kind of prank? Who would order just two medium pizzas for an office of 14 people? Get this garbage out of here. I like the idea that this person asked this question and just cannot act until they've heard back. The pizza's just molding on their desk. No, don't you touch it. Can you say it's your birthday or perhaps some other very personal holiday that's only for Andy? Just an Andy specific. Oh, it's Andy Day. Maybe I just got a vasectomy. I'm having myself a little pizza party for myself. You can have my leftover vasectomy pizza if you want, I guess. This is about as personal as a pan pizza gets.

I thought I deserved a slice for a slice. Could you stack the two pizzas on top of each other to make it look like you just ordered yourself a double-decker pizza? It's new from Pizza Hut. Oh, no, this is just a pizza sandwich. You don't understand. Flip it upside down, you got Calzone. There you go. Now you're working with fire. Oh, no, I just ordered an overfilled Calzone. So, dismantle one pizza into its constituent slices. Put all of those on top of the other pizza in a footloose and fancy-free manner. Then you fold that pizza inside. Now it's secretly, shh, shh, tell no one, there's another pizza up in here. And then you close that over and all of a sudden, it's just a big Calzone for one big boy. And that's you, Andy,

happy vasectomy day. I cracked it. You get a plate. You scrape all the cheese and sauce and toppings onto the plate off of both pizzas. And you tell people you're on Atkins. And this is the only way you can get full is to eat the top of the pizza because it doesn't have carbs. And then later, the next day, you come into the office and you say you're trying a new thing. It's called reverse Atkins and you eat the crusts. Wait, don't laugh. So, rather than enjoy your pizza, you're now forcing yourself to eat a big cup of cheese. You're still enjoying your pizza. And then eating it in installments. Hey, it's an installment plan. Like the way I'm watching Fast Five.

Hey, Mark, I need to use the company Centrifuge real quick. I need to divide these two pizzas up into their molecular components. Hey, we still got that large Hadron Collider downstairs, right? Okay, I need to borrow it. I'm going to smash these two pizzas together and just eat the carbon. I'm going to reduce these down to a carbon tablet. Oh, created a pizza black hole in the basement. Sorry, everybody. It's the most radical singularity. Probably the best thing you could do with the second pizza is to take seven of the slices. Assume you're leaving one X tree for yourself. Because after I finish a pizza, I always think I could use one more slice of pizza. And now you have that. So you have seven slices to divide up. Take, put one slice

on each of seven desks, make no mention of it and watch that office rip itself a fucking part. Where did you, was there pizza? Where did you get pizza? Where's this pizza from? Who got, where did you get pizza? I want some pizza. Fuck, it'll be Lord of the Flies in there by the time Tammy comes back from her lunch break. It'll be a nightmare. I haven't worked in an office in my life. But it's like this though, right? Like if one person has one taste station, it's the end days. I also, so the office I worked at was with the theater. So there were also lots of like actors and like young company members and everything. So if somebody ordered a pizza, you could watch them like hyenas waiting for the person eating the pizza to be

done with the pizza to see if there were any pizza remains. So pizza smells in the air. Are you done with, I see that there's some like pepperoni stuck to the bottom of the box. Can I eat those now? Can I put my nose in your greasy mouth? Every office has a weird DMZ, Griffin, to educate you about this. Every office has a weird food DMZ where if you have a pizza on your desk, no one will touch it. It would be weird. There is a table or a region in your office where if you put a food product, it will disappear. Have a pizza, give a pizza, need a pizza, take a pizza. This Yahoo that I'm going to read now without permission because I don't need it. Well, I want to read this one first. It was

sent in by Zoey Kinski. Climb that ladder. Thank you. Just to continue the trend of us eating the snake's tail that is Yahoo Answer. It's asked by Yahoo Answers users. Zach K who asks, who is your favorite McElroy? Now, this is in entertainment and music, celebrities. Did you guys hear that? Did you guys hear what Yahoo called us? Zach says, mine is probably Justin, but it's hard to say. How about you? Yeah. And then this was sent in, this was asked four years ago. So, we were just starting out. I was evolved since then. You can't compare Justin to 2011. Yeah, I was going to say, we're completely different people. I've got three new exoskeletons since then. Yeah, that's true. Samantha G responded and said,

what is a McElroy? There it is. That's appropriate. That's the question right there, Samantha. Wolf. If you figure it out. You tell me. Right to the quick. How about this other Zoey Kinski one though? It's asked by Yahoo Answers. Nope, something went wrong. Can't tell you who asked it. Jersh asks. It's me, Jershy. Jershy asks, what could happen to me if I mixed my blood with kangaroo blood? Please, I want to know. Well, it's one of two things. Okay. One is you get super jumping powers. Absolutely. Or pouching powers, punching powers. This is where you get the second option, which is you start to take on physical characteristics of a kangaroo. So, one is you get just the powers related to though you still remain human.

Second is you start to do a fly or island of Dr. Moreau style transformation. The third option is you die. Full body death. Just complete full body death. Your soul escapes from your mortal coil. From toe to tip. From stern to bow. Fully dead. But you know what? There is no science without risk. That's a good point. Isn't this what kangaroo jack was about? Yep. I didn't see it. But I'm pretty sure. No, kangaroo jack was about convincing a nation that it was about a talking kangaroo when it was not at all about a talking kangaroo. No, it was about it was still really raw about this, huh? It was about apartheid. Just like Jaws isn't a movie about a shark.

It's about apartheid. Kangaroo jack. It's about apartheid. A lot of movies about apartheid and a lot of people miss out on that because it's like sometimes it's just below the surface, much like Jaws himself. And kangaroo jack, nobody actually saw that flick because they're like, they saw the trailers and they said, I would rather do something else. I find my fill of kangaroo jack. Thank you. I think I get it. But you don't get it because there's a lot, that movie had a lot of really, really poignant stuff to say about R.E. apartheid. Excuse me. There's a kangaroo jack to alert, alert, alert. There's a kangaroo jack to it's a full length animated film called kangaroo jack. Good day, USA alert. Does it mention whether the kangaroo

speaks to be a pretty bad movie, Travis? Don't you think it would be a bad movie if the protagonist didn't speak more fun than what kangaroo jack actually was, which is a kangaroo that like accidentally steals a bag full of money from two bumbling idiots. And then they chase the kangaroo through the desert. There's no rapping. There's no dancing. There's no talking as would be indicated by the trailer. So no, Griffin, I think it would be a pretty good movie. Thank you very much. As near as I can tell, he does speak in the animated film. I mean, he has an actor playing him. Let's put it that way. But that could just be making kangaroo noises. That's true. I don't know why you pay somebody to do this. Normally you just get like whoever's around.

Like Jimmy the intern. Like, Jimmy, let me hear your kangaroo. That's pretty convincing. I guess my question is like why would they get an Australian animal to do this movie about apartheid? I'm not sure. Kangaroo jack, good day, USA is about apartheid. No, no, no. The sequel is not about apartheid, which is weird. That's why that one actually has a very low score on rotten tomatoes and IMDb. And it's just because people like the people who saw kangaroo jack the first one were moved by it. It was an important film that came out at just the right time. And then the second one came out. And I think he played basketball or something. And it was like, I don't, it's weird. It's like if they made a Schindler's List too, but like he opened up

a yogurt shop or something. And it was animated. And it was animated. Also, he's a kangaroo. Alert. Alert. I have a nine out of 10 review for kangaroo jack, good day, USA from an IMDb user. Here it is right now. This is from the reviewer, 1204. Just today, I've seen this movie on Cartoon Network by surprise and knowing kangaroo jack, I risked watching it to find it isn't utter crap, which Cartoon Network and Nick often put on television. As it was on Cartoon Network, I found and knew it was going to be an animated course on the KJ franchise. First course this evening in a moves bush, if you will, kangaroo jack to ball in in the USA. I watched this beginning to end and found it very good in overall and had no flaws to truly

point out. There were laughs. I wasn't at 10 out of 10. There were laughs course as well as other things in the movie. The movies beginning I roughly missed though, and was led up into 10 minutes or so in the movie. And I really wouldn't want to watch it again just for those few minutes. Wait, okay. This person bobs and weaves between and it was awesome. So quickly that I'm like, I either want to know why it wasn't 10 out of 10 or why it wasn't four out of 10. Small disclaimer, I am a huge Scott Adams fan. That's neither here nor there. I just wanted to get it out there. I truly hope they make a sequel or even a television series. I'd watch it. And I'm sure enough demand would be available. Until then, I can only hope or even write.

Maybe a fan fiction is due. Well, that's my comments. It's time to run off for me. Time to die. You know, there's not enough internet posts where people are like, well, I've typed long enough friends. I must retire to my bourgeois for the evening for my IMDB review of Kangaroo Jack. Like he would stop the sentence before that. And so he'd be like, there's gotta be more. My concubines have drawn my evening bath. I must I must away. Time to report to the White House for duty. Goodbye, everybody. I believe Jackson has your petticoat, Jackson. Fetch this gentleman's outer garments. I have expired all my energy for the evening. Sir, you exhaust yourself writing these reviews.

They must know, Jackson. They must know. Sir, you're killing yourself. Sir, think of your consumption. Come for a rest in the drawing room. Nay, I say. I have so little time left on this earth. I must get the word out about Kangaroo Jack to Good Day, USA. I am. There's a there's a lot of discussion about this film on the message boards of IMDB, by which I mean one post titled Gay Day USA. That's how my mind read it before I look closer. It's always funny when I barely glance at things. So somebody was like, well, that was funny. What just happened to me? I've got to get this on the Internet. You know who would love this? Everyone. This episode has been a real treatise

on modern criticism. You think about it. Who's doing it best? Who's doing it right? Chelsea loves Reliant K. Is her name? Should we take it to the money zone? Yeah, I think we should. What are we on the money zone today, Travis? Well, first, my brother, my brother and me are sponsored by Harry's. We've talked about Harry's dot com before, and we'll talk about it again right now. Harry's dot com offers razors that are so high quality that it will blow your face off, except not. Don't say that. That's not a thing they want to say. It'll make your face look awesome. How about that? Is that better? It's better for your face and your wallet. That's the twist. What about my legs and my butt? It's good for your legs,

good for your butt, good for your pits, good for your forearms, good for like your unibrow, good for the back of your neck, good for your back. What about the inside of my dog body? Because it's done. Okay. All of it. All of it. And here's the thing, Griffin. You can get a starter set, which includes a razor, foaming shaped gel or shaved cream and three razor blades, plus free shipping for $15. Oh, shit. That's, if you've ever bought a razor in a store before, you know how ridiculously inexpensive that is by comparison. You could expect to spend that much just buying like a set of blades. Sorry, Travis, nothing doing. Still too much. Still too much. Okay, Justin, what if through some, I don't know, magic, some kind of financial

wizardry, I was able to like shave one third of the price off? It's me, the deals warlock. I have appeared. I have heard your wish and I have appeared from the... Don't make the deal with him. It always turns bad. I shall sell you cheaper blades. What are you looking for? Justin, don't do it. Would you like a scimitar and hippie? What kind of blade are you in the market for? Yes, says from me, Garfield, the deals warlock. Well, deals warlock, what I... Garfield, shimmy, bippity, sippity, shee. Okay, deals warlock. I have cast a spell on all of your belongings and now they all cost less. If you try to trade in, don't try and sell your car now, for I have reduced its price in the blue books. So, Garfield, I would like to pay $10 for this

starter kit. Call me the deals warlock. Hold on, just a darned minute. Did I say something to offend you? No, you just change it every time. I am inscrutable. I'll try to keep up. So, how can I save $5 off this starter set? I shall prepare the incantation. Or you could just go to harry.com and use the promo code mybrother all one word and you could get that starter kit for $10. I just controlled Travis' brain to make him say that. I have conjured the spell into his brain and his mouth. I was inside of his mouth and it was very clean. I was going to say it anyways. I'm inside your mouth. My brother, my brother, is also supported in part by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform that makes it easy and fast to create your own professional

website. Squarespace has beautiful templates. They've got integration with Google apps and Getty images and a feature called cover pages. I've actually been thinking about making a website with Squarespace myself for YouTube series things about it sheets. I'm holding off until they have integration with Getty Lee. You can get a free trial with no credit card required. You can use the coupon code mybrother all one word for 10% off your first purchase. And now I away. Farewell. Save the cause. Save the cat life. No, no, you stay here. You read the next on wizard. Squarespace, build it beautiful. I must, but I must away. There's a warlock. What is our next? What's our next ad? There's a red

tan sail at Michael's. Hey guys, it's Griffin. I'm back. Oh, thank God. This message is for illustrator and illustrator Ian illustrator Ian. Well, it's spelled like illustration, but with an A at the end instead of an O because the guy who does this is Ian. Well, agree to disagree. Okay. Illustration is doing portrait commissions, which make great gifts. He specializes in D and D character portraits. He won our adventure zone art contest and he made my Twitter avatar, which actually, no, that's no longer true because now my Twitter avatar is Chaz the dog, but he made my former Twitter avatar, which is me floating surrounded by dice. And I have like bony rock protrusions coming out of my body. It was totally radical. It was really

great. He's available for freelance illustration work. If you want it drawed, he will draw it. Again, that's illustrator Ian. If you go to illustration.com slash commission and subscribe to illustrator Ian on Instagram, you can enter for a chance to win a monthly full body portrait giveaway. Go check it out. It really is. It's good artworks and I liked it for a very, very long time. And now I'm a dog and I didn't want to confuse people. Our next message is for Gracie girl. It's from your man and your man says, for our anniversary, I got the brothers to shout your name for the microphone tops and acknowledge you as the long lost sister. I'm using the brothers for what they were originally intended for and best suited to as a mouthpiece for love.

I've enjoyed nothing more than the last five years together. Here is to infinity more. P.S. Moe is the best dog. Is the dog gonna feel like that? What was the like the last sentence? That was all very sweet. And the last sentence was like a a hidden secret like Barb in an ongoing argument about best dogs. Also fuck your dog. My dog's the best nana nana boo boo. P.S. Moe rules and Bethany drools. Bethany's a great name for a dog Justin. You should be a professional dog gamer. I thank you. You should work at a pound and just walk down the line going like that's a Bethany, that's a Michelle. Name any dog and I will rename it for you. Buttercup. Cut butter. That was way better. Next. Comet from Full House. Airbud. Okay. Was that the same dog?

Airbud. It was the same dog. Airbud the dogs from Airbud. They replaced Airbud for Golden Receiver because the original Airbud slash comic got paw cancer. Oh Justin. Welcome to our comedy show. Those are the two saddest words I've ever heard put together before in my life. I could spend, I could meditate for years on a mountaintop in a cave trying to think of two sad words and I would come out and I would be like child disease and you'd be like no paw cancer. What's up? Sadder than that. That wasn't a joke. It's actually what happened. I know it's not a joke. Jokes make you laugh typically. This is Ben and I'm Teresa and we host a show called One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting. Not a parenting podcast. Guess what? We both just

had babies. Again. Check out the show enjoyed by breeders and ballers alike on iTunes or MaximumFun.org. I recently started a new job and I have been trained by an older and more experienced co-worker. She recently spent a great deal. Wait, a lady boss? This wasn't gonna hit anywhere on my button. Gonna redesign my whole button now. Thanks a lot. She recently spent a great deal of time showing me how to complete our billing process the old fashioned way with pen and paper. That's right. Afterwards, I quickly created an Excel spreadsheet that completed all the work almost instantly. I feel like I should show her how she could be doing her work more efficiently but I'm worried I might hurt her feelings or make her feel stupid as she's

not very tech savvy. Should I let her keep doing things her way or bring her into the 21st century? Important context. We are funded by your tax dollars. That's from cautious kid in Chicago. Shit. Oh, this is tough. Think of it. Think of it this way though. If you get her on this system and this is her whole job, it sounds like if she's spending this much time spreading sheets and you can teach her to knock that shit out in like 15 minutes with Excel and that saves her from a whole day's work, she can spend the rest of that day just like blazing it and playing Halo. But Griffin, counterpoint, what if you start to show it to her and she just like can't like she's like, no, I don't like Excel. I don't want to do this. And now she knows that there's

a better way that she cannot like do and she's stuck in a pen and paper prison. Then she'll be swallowed up and devoured by the free market and digested and turned into the fuel that burns to power our economy, Travis. In case, in case you have never worked anywhere, let me tell you how this short story ends. You show her how to make the quicker spreadsheets. She starts making quicker spreadsheets. Her bosses realize that she's not doing anything all day. She gets fired. You end up doing all the spreadsheets. Guaranteed this is how it shakes out. Just let her keep doing her thing, wasting your tax dollars. Think of it. For every week or so of work that we pay this woman for that she could be doing with computers. That's another drone the government can't buy. So you're like

helping. You're helping in a way, in a weird sort of way. Maybe there is also something to be said. Or maybe you're taking fuel out of the rocket to Mars. I have no idea. It's impossible to be said though for the fact that this person was doing their job before you got there. And like, unless every day the boss was walking up to her and saying like, still taking forever, huh, Deborah? Okay. Like she was doing this before you got there and seemingly was doing fine. So it's super cool that you have a way that moves much faster. And if the opportunity presents itself, if she's ever like, how do you seem to be getting it done so much quicker? Like, oh, I use this Excel spreadsheet. Do you want me to show you how to do it? Great. Awesome. Now you've totally gotten in and you

could do that. But until that happens, she seems like she was perfectly happy doing it her way. You know how in that one episode of Doug, Doug's dad makes him a boring kite and all the other kids have cool kites? Yeah. And Doug thinks the kite sucks. So he tries to add like wings and flair to it. Yeah, classic. And his dad's like, do you remember what his dad says it actually was Trav? It was a racing kite. It was a fighter kite. Fighter kite. That's right. A fighter kite. Maybe this is that sort of scenario. She knows about your computer method. She's got a fighter spreadsheet. And with your method, she's like, oh, yeah, I've heard about that. Go check the files you already done. Well, I can't find them. That's right. Our computers delete everything

every day. Right. That's why you've been wasting your time. Oh, our computers turned against us in 2008. When Y2KXV happens, and it's happening. Oh, read the literature. Oh my god, get online, read the literature. Lose change three. Lose change three. Kim Trails and Y2KXV. It's gonna happen. And then when that happens, what happened to your spreadsheets? They got gobbled up by the internet's Satan demons. But what happened to hers? Nothing. They're fine. You'll be visiting her on a throne of spreadsheets. She'll be trading spreadsheets for sexual favors with her war boys. Beautiful concubine. These aren't spreadsheets. These are fuck coupons. If I give you two pages at the end of some file, we're doing it in the butt.

Oh, that's the deal. That's the deal, Sand Walker. Take it or leave it. Do you guys want a yahoo? Sure. This yahoo was also sent in by Zoe Kinski. Thank you, climbing that ladder, Zoe Kinski. It's by yahoo answers user smart stuff who asks, my husband is jealous of Guy Fieri. I absolutely love watching the triple D dinosh drive-ins and dives. My husband thinks it's because I have a crush on Guy Fieri, which I do, but that's not why I watch it. Good eye, husband. I mean, he nailed it in one. He did. He has diagnosed my Fieri desires. Triple D's. My question. Wait, my deep dark desire for a triple D.

My question. Why is it that men get jealous of people on TV? I don't get jealous if he thinks someone is hot on a show. Do I stop watching out of respect to him? He's never been insecure in our marriage, and I really don't want him to think I'm being insensitive to his feelings. Also, this is posted in entertainment and music horoscopes. There it is. I think that the real problem here is not that your husband is jealous of someone on TV. He's deeply confused and disturbed by your choice of sexual fantasy. If you have a crush on, say, a George Clooney-esque person. I can't be that. You see George Clooney and you think I could be that someday. If my wife formed a crush on an Elijah Wood, I would be like, okay, I could probably swing that. You're Joseph

Gordon Levitt. You're Joseph. Well, no, now we're reaching for the stars, but an Elijah Wood, I could scratch that itch maybe someday if I drop a few LBs. I could do that. I could do that. I could do that. Guy Fieri, I can't become that, and I've become a dog. That's not doable. I don't know what sort of chemical, peel action I will need. I saw somebody on Instagram post a picture of them sitting next to Guy Fieri on a plane, and that dude was passed out sleeping forward, which how does a body do that? I will never possess a body that can do that. Not only that, he had a trucker cap, and he had taken his trucker cap, and he had wedged it up into the cover for the plane's window so that his hat was in the window, like he's giving his hat special treatment. Look at the

sky. Look at the sky, you beautiful trucker hat. What sort of mind thinks to do that? I'm on a plane, so I'm going to jam my hat into a window. I can never become Guy Fieri. I think it's the mind that thinks about making cheesecake with mozzarella bites or whatever the fuck. Right, that's what I'm saying. Let's make a margarita with the nachos already in it. I don't, I don't, I don't, I say she's time. If I take Guy Fieri's blood and I inject it into myself, I'll be burned from the inside out. As, as to your question as to whether or not you should stop watching Guy Fieri, I mean, you can try. Yeah. As I've chronicled on my day-by-day life blog, Fieri Walk With Me, Guy Fieri Addiction, I have tried many times to give him up, but I, it is impossible. Also,

if you leave any show on, on the Food Network, once it concludes, Guy Fieri will appear. Yeah. Guy Fieri is the one who shakes you out of your, out of your food hypnosis. Oh, were you having a good time? Not anymore. People give Fieri a hard time, but he's a really good reminder that you should probably get out of the house today. Like, hey, it's, it's 2 p.m. and you're still wearing pajamas. Maybe it's time to do something with this Saturday. Look at me, I'm incredibly successful for no other reason than I put on real clothes and left the house. This is the, the end of the spring baking challenge marathon has arrived and now maybe you should go out and do something in the garden. Have you called your loved ones? Hey, this is Guy Fieri and I just jumped into the

Barefoot Contest's body like Agent Smith. Are you okay? Uh, I miss Alton Brown. It's too bad that his body got jumped into by Guy Fieri like Agent Smith and he took over the show and he called it Bad Eats. And he called like a version of Bad to the Bone when it came on. He changed the show's name to Not Eats. No longer eats. That's more of a warning than anything else. I'm a starving artist and currently working a pretty shitty day job at a shitty restaurant. Wow, Jesus, Justin, you got like six of those words wrong, buddy. They're like 12 words and they're not having one wrong. Okay. I'm a starving artist and currently working a pretty shitty day job at a sushi restaurant. I still didn't do great. Yeah. It's, it's a day job at a sushi restaurant.

That's hard. Okay. You guys right now, read that line, Travis, called a pretty shitty day job at a sushi restaurant. No, the whole sentence, the whole sentence. I am a starving artist and currently working a pretty shitty day job at a sushi restaurant. Fine. Okay. It's both boring and hectic and it makes me incredibly anxious. I just got offered a job at a candy shop. It pays more, has better hours and will be far less stressful. So here's my question. Why is there a question? Since the working hours for both jobs don't overlap, should I do both at once for a while and test the waters at the candy store? I don't want to leave this restaurant and find out the candy store is even rougher. And that's from, I got 99 problems and two of them are jobs. Here's, okay. This is

my immediate takeaway from this. Your biggest concern about working at a candy store is going to have to be dealing with like shitty kids, right? Kids running around and like spoiled drafts and that kind of thing, right? Now let me pose this, which sounds worse, that or the shitty people you would face working at a sushi restaurant who like ask way too many questions and are really spoiled adults. I'd rather deal with, is that what you think people who eat sushi are like? No, no, no. But I'm saying that like, if you're talking about the negative bad part of it, the bad seats. Yeah. I'm saying if you're just talking about the shitty part of the job, it's the shitty people at the sushi store versus the shitty people at the candy store.

I'd rather deal with the shitty people at the candy store because then you're still surrounded by candy. The last time I was at Candy Craze at the Huntington Mall, I was trying to find a certain kind of candy and it was, I didn't know the name of it, but I had like the texture and the flavor in my mind and I found something that I thought was it, a taste I remember from, from my childhood, right? I thought it was it. What I found out I was looking for was seafoam candy, but that was, it was, that's not even here or there. This is not it, but I took a piece out before making, had this been the right candy, a considerable purchase. And as I did it, the woman who was running the shop from the back, who I was sure I was out of eyesight, the woman running the shop

from the back, no scope and said, you got to pay for the candy before you eat it. Oh, Justin, how did you feel in that moment? Take me inside. How did I feel for it? Let me take you inside. I have not been back. It's been eight months and I have to walk past a store called Candy Craze when I'm at my favorite place, the Huntington Mall. I have to walk past Candy Craze sheepishly and, but in my head, I'm thinking I would have bought a lot of candy that day. You don't even know. If only you needed to go in there and be like, listen, madam, if you had let me steal just a little bit of candy, if you had let me steal that initial piece of candy, I would have, oh, the investment would have been so much bigger. Every

other thing you, on earth, you could try before you buy. Check the margins on this, okay? I wanted a candy trailer. That's all I was looking for, okay? I wanted one sampler size. Right, but you don't go to, I was, you don't go to Best Buy and be like, oh, I do want to buy that 52 inch plasma screen, but first I'm going to steal these headphones. Is that okay? No, but you go to the Best Buy and you look at the TV on the wall and you steal the remote control and you take that home and now you've got the rest and you eat it. I would have spent, I mean, I would have spent plasma TV money on Seafoam candy. Give me $3,000 of Seafoam candy. I want to pay in it like Scrooge McDuck. P.O. Box 54, Huntington, West Virginia, 25706. And if anybody can find, if you can find

Pickle Gum, send us that too, because I've been looking for it since I was like 12. If, now I'll give you a warning, if it's melted Seafoam, I will hunt you down and kill you. Here it is. So here's the last thing I'll say about this question. The situation, I feel bad for you in that situation, Justin, because you must have felt so, so very small. Oh, you must have felt like a borrower. I did feel small. Come on. I'm, I'm a white straight male in America. I've never heard no before. Exactly. But think about how many white straight males that woman had to say, you got to buy the candy before you can eat it, sir, that day. Oh, you think she goes home to her husband and she's like, I had to do it again. That was my point that I was getting around to

it. Shit. Thank you. That could be you. I mean, that's the thing you got to remember is you're going to have to be the one who's like, basically causing people, I can testify the worst day of their lives. Right. 100%. And you're going to be the one doing like probably every couple minutes. I would imagine what you got to be careful if you're going to do both jobs though, because if you show up to the sushi job and you were in your candy job uniform, they're going to know that you are cheating on them. Or, or, or you say, well, here's my idea, you guys, candy sushi. Oh my God. What's the right, like obviously the top can be like sour tape, but what's, what's the rice? I'm thinking the rice is maybe like a rice crispy treat. Like I was going to say rice

crispy or like a jelly belly, like buttered popcorn. That's little though. That's, that's a all kind of mush, but you get a bunch of them when you mush them together. My, my wife will sometimes have chocolate and fruit candies in the same bag. What? What? Well, she's a monster. Can you imagine? Can you even imagine? Thanks so much for listening to our podcast, My Brother, My Brother Me. It's an advice show for the modern era. Hey, if you're not listening to it already, we do another podcast with our daddy called the Adventure Zone. It's a D&D podcast. And you can go and you can find it on maximumfund.org. You can find it on iTunes. We just released our, I guess, our 15th episode. 16th. Yeah, we're 16th. It's a story based show. So you want to start

back at the beginning, I think, but Travis has made that even easier for you. Travis, can you explain how? So our first episode, it's great if you love D&D you've played before. And we talk a lot about how Fifth Edition is different from previous editions and how gameplay works. But we heard from a couple people that like, they just wanted to get into the story and they weren't really interested in gameplay. So we re-edited the first episode and edited it from two hours down to 52 minutes. So it's just the storyline, the funny parts and the character development. So if you've got a friend that you know would love the show, but maybe you think would be turned off by all the gameplay stuff, then play episode 1.5 for them, or maybe it's you

and you're like, oh man, I really want to get into it. But like, they started talking about like, how saving throws work and I just don't care. Great. Listen to episode 1.5, that's going to be your end. There are other podcasts too on maximumfund that we do and don't do. Justin does a show with his wife, Sydney, called Sawbones and it's a medical history show. And Travis does a show with his buddy Andy called Bunker Buddies. And Travis has another show that's not on Maxfun that he just launched with his buddy Brant called Trends Like These. And then there's other shows on Maxfun Fun that we're not a part of, like Judge John Hodgman and Stop Podcasting Yourself and Lady to Lady and One Bad Mother during Shade in the Flophouse. They're all really, really great. So

go to maximfund.org and you can find all those shows there. Terrific. Go listen to them. Also, we've got a Pacific Northwest tour coming up at the end of August. Tickets are still on sale for Seattle and Vancouver. If you go to bit.ly forward slash mb mbam Seattle and bit.ly forward slash V-A-N-M-B-M-B-A-M. You can find those tickets there. I want to thank John Rodrick in the long winters for the use of our theme song and said departure off the elbow buddy in the days to bed. Do you guys realize that like this time next week, we'll be saying that in front of John Rodrick? Yeah, or like sitting on his lap giving him gentle kisses on his cheek. Well, probably not that one. Thank you. Thank you, daddy. Thank you, daddy. Rodrick.

I also want to plug Justin's hit web series, Things I Bought at Sheets, which you can find at sheetsshow.com. It's sheets, S-H-E-E-T-Z show.com that he does with his buddy Dwight. It's like the best video series. It comes out just about every day and I cannot wait for it. It's a roller coaster. Every episode is a treat. I'm gonna ask you if you really like it. I do. I really love it. Teresa and I watch it every morning. Justin and I also play video games for Polygon in a series that we launched recently called Monster Factory that I'm very, very proud of. I watched all the Monster Factory videos. They're good. They're like 30. What did you think of them?

I enjoyed them deeply. Squirtle was one of my favorites, but the fallout one. Fallout one turned out pretty good. You guys outdid yourself. Man, we got our fingers in a lot of pies, huh, boys? We do have a lot of pies. Oh, we're sorry about that. I feel guilty about my Twitter feed right now because it's just like, I made something else. Look at it. Dad. Well, you should also check out my YouTube. John Roderick, look at my goof-em-ups.

Are you proud of me now? John Roderick, you proud of me? I made a fallout goof-em-up, Daddy Roderick. Daddy's actually over here watching the puddle for me and I literally said to him out, Hey, Daddy, you want to watch my things about his sheets videos I made this week? Oh, man. You want to pat my head while you tell me how good that is? Dad, you did a good job. I know I just treated this out to tens of thousands of people, but I need your approval desperately.

Please, Daddy. Do you guys want to finally Yahoo? Yes, please. Finally, Yahoo is sent in by Rachel Sperling. Thank you, Rachel. It's by Yahoo Answers User. Kamal, who asks, What medicine is for longtime sex? I'm Justin McRoy.

I'm Travis McRoy. I'm Griffin McRoy. He's been my brother, my brother, me. Kiss your dad. Wear on the lips. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hello, I'm Taco, the elephant magician.

We're a high church here, the master of clerical magic. I'm Magnus Burnside, the fighter. Did you guys like that? Did you, the listener, like that? You were just swept up in a world of high fantasy magic where anything can happen and anything is possible. I am Griffin McRoy, Dungeon Master for the Adventure Zone, a new podcast on Maximumfun, in which magic and mystery intertwine for a very erotically charged role-playing experience.

You can catch it every other Thursday here on Maximumfun.org for our iTunes. It's for Dungeons and Dragons, but with family.