My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 257: Swag Dads

Episode Date: June 22, 2015

Happy belated Father's Day to you and yours! Assuming that you and yours are all dads, that is. If that's the case -- do you want to set up a super chill group hang for Swag Dads? We'll take our answer off the air. Suggested talking points: Applebee's, Cloudnoon, NAD, Episode Sync, Baby Rubs, Travis Interrupted, Brice's YOLO Dad

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, and welcome to My Brother, My Brother Me, an advice show for the modern era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middleest brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm Craig, I'll be your server this evening. Can I interest you guys in some magnum shrimp on a crispy toast? Actually, Craig, I was looking at the,

do you do the magnum shrimp on like a grilled or maybe like a ceviche? We don't. What is that? You're just using words that we've never heard here at the Applebees. You never heard the word grilled? Maybe invented the grill. What was the other one? Servicer? Ceviche? We're here at the Applebees for Father's Day, waiting for Dad to show up. And also celebrating Justin. This is Justin. Happy Father's Day. Thanks, guys. Wow, what an honor to be at Applebees. I'm the dad. You didn't even ask me. You didn't even ask your old pal Craig about his children. Craig, are you a dad? How many children do you have, Craig?

19. 19 children? Yes. You could have more? Human children? Six of those. Six of human children. What are the other 13? How many are real-doll babies? How many of the what's are what's? How many are real-doll babies? Of the human children or all of them? It's a complicated diagram. I hope you're not getting real-doll babies. Okay, how many of your human children are real-doll babies? None. Pound puppies? Yes. Wait, hold on. Some of your human babies are pound puppies.

It's not that difficult. 13 pound puppies, six real-doll human babies. He said none of your babies are real-dolls. They're not real-dolls. They're CPR test dummies. What, it kind of gets you all started with some appetizers? I would like a jalapeno mud slide, please. That's happening. I would like for your voice to not sound like a malfunctioning talk boy. That's my problem. My brother fed me one at force when I was six. Well, in that case, I'll- I used a tremendous amount of brother force to get that talk boy

down the throat. The battery's been running out for years. In that case, I'll have the state case of the entire towers. I'm going to need one of y'all to punch me in the throat to start the rewinding of the tape. Why don't you head out back to the kitchen? I'll rewind the tape and you give my order. If you see our brother Griffin on the way back from the bad mamma jamma slamma bamma bathroom, maybe you could die. Oh, I forgot my doll garden gearing notebook again. So I'm going to need y'all to start over with the food and the drinks that you wanted to consume.

You know what? I actually think we're not ready to order yet. We're going to wait for our dad. That's fair. I'm a dad. Y'all know about that. All right. I'll tell you see. Talk to y'all later. I'm going to go hit the John. Hey, guys. Oh, hey, Griffin. Did you see Craig on the way? No, I did see some sort of swamp thing-esque monster and it looked like he had a microphone coming out of his throat. Anyway, should I sit? Where should I sit? Yeah, Griffin, I got you a- I got you a booster seat. Just pop up right there. Thanks. You know how little my legs are and how short my butt is. Here I go. You're notoriously short-budded. Hi, everybody. I'm Griffin McRae. I'm the youngest brother.

We have a lot of fun here on the podcast, but today let's talk about something serious. Pennies from Heaven. Who knows? I know where they come from, but where do they go today? An expose. Didn't you guys recently- you went to Guy Fieri restaurant, didn't you? Yes. How does that stack up compared to this Applebee's? We haven't eaten this Applebee's yet, but I'm going to go ahead and go out on a limb and say that this Applebee's is going to be a 20-star dining experience, comparatively. If I open my day planner and turn it to today, I have not colored the second half of the day in orange highlighter and just written diarrhea. Big block letters on it.

Yeah. See, for me, a diarrhea would be a blessing for me right now. I had a crazy Hagar cocktail to drink, and then I had a bacon mac and cheese burger for my entree, and I haven't been pooping those out as much as they have been sort of bursting from my chest, like a Xenomorph from the Alien films, and when they burst out of my chest, it's Mark McGrath from the band Sugar Ray, which he grows up to turn into Guy Fieri. Well, at least you didn't force like a Tony award-winning, Emmy award-winning, just all-around great guy to go with you. It was his fucking idea, and I'll remind him of that to the grave, which is tomorrow.

Tomorrow is the grave. Thank you for that, Lin-Manuel. Your pooping schedule is so much better than mine, Griffin. My Guy Fieri meal has been popping out like guest stars on a Jerry Lewis telephone. Just you never know when it's going. It lasts for two days. You never know when somebody else is going to show up. We've had a lot of fun here twice on my brother and my brother and me, the episode that we're on now with the number that I don't know, but this is an important public service announcement.

First of all, Penny's from Heaven. We're going to get to the bottom of that here in just a bit. Second of all, don't go to Guy Fieri's place as a joke, because the joke's on, it's not even on you, because then that would assume that somebody's getting some form of pleasure out of it. I assume Mr. Fieri is getting a lot of money out of it, but it's not even funny bad. What I discovered that day is you can't eat ironically. You can't eat things as a goof.

They still go in your human body and stay there. Right. Sure. You also can't eat his pretzel breaded chicken tendos. You can't. It's a trick and it's a trap to lure tourists. Travis, these chicken tendos were so dry. They came with a honey mustard, they were dry as a popcorn fart, and they came with a honey mustard dipping sauce. Griffin was so desperate to get the final remnants of that.

Any sort of moisture, any sort of moisture for the chicken that he actually knocked the ramekin across the table and onto the floor because he was trying so hard to get the last of the dipping sauce out. I was excavating to get that flavor, any juice. Oh, there's got to be some juice. I was a dousing rod for sweet mustard, but instead I falcon punched a ramekin across a Guy Fieri steakhouse. The worst part about, as soon as the ramekin touched the floor,

we heard a prerecorded message from Guy Fieri, play across the loudspeakers, and he just says, fuck it, play it where it lays. And that's like apparently anytime you drop food there. Yeah, anytime you drop food there, Guy Fieri says, fuck it, play it where it lays. In the Guy Fieri restaurant, they had a recording of him saying, fuck it, fuck it, play it where it lays.

I can't believe that's true. I know, it's hard to believe. Fuck that shit. This is Guy Fieri's fuck house. Yeah, and then when you walk in, there's another prerecorded message and it plays and it says, abandon all hope ye who enter here. No, we're had a lot of fun here on my brother and my brother and me. We had three funs so far. This is the same building that had Love, Peace, and Taco Grease

written like on the wall in huge letters. You know the weirdest thing about it? Wasn't that crowded? God's sake, we'll run away. No problemo. What are we doing? Paint me a picture. What time was it when you entered the restaurant where they all like sitting around smoking and then they had to like,

oh, hey, oh, hey. I think the time was the time of my life. Do you guys want to do some advice? When I suggest a meeting time with my friend and they decline, who bears the responsibility to suggest a different time? I personally feel obliged to do this if I'm the one vetoing a date, but some of my friends provide no such follow-up and I end up feeling like a control freak when I push the matter.

Are my expectations unreasonable? That's from anxious in Alberta. If it is a spoken conversation in person and you have both expressed equal amount of interest to do this thing, now it's a back and forth. You say 5 p.m. they can't do 5 p.m. It's now their thing. If it's a thing that you desperately want to do

that they've like agreed to go do with you, it's your job. See, this is why I just don't like our measurements of time, how numerical they are. I just wish we could do it like, they used to do it in the olden days or how they do it like in like a chill sort of ocean side town in Greece where it's just like a sunset, come by at sunset. Everyone can get down with that

because then it's objective you got a pretty wide window of time there that you can show up, come to the cafe at sunset. Oh, how nice of that sound. Oh, but that gives me such like panic shivers now if someone's like, just come by in the afternoon. Do you mean 12.01 or like 4.30? Yeah, afternoon represents like a good six hour chunk of time. I don't like that.

Tie it to a celestial body is what I'm saying. When the polar star above us shines high in Cerberus's belt then that is the time that we will go see Jurassic World. Honey, what time are we supposed to have dinner with the Smiths? Let me pull out my sextant. Hold on one second. Let me get out my sextant. It's at cloud noon.

What is cloud noon? That's not real. Yeah, sure. It's when the clouds are at their highest noon. Yes, exactly. It's in the poor Richard's almanac. That's a poor poor Richard though. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Yeah, I think it's on you. If you're the one saying like, no, that time doesn't work for me. I think the ball's in your proverbial court at that point. I think that you do have to say like, no, that won't work, but here's this. Check this out. I often think that if I suggest a time and someone's like, no, and they don't offer an alternative,

like they don't want to do it. Yeah, they get left behind. Right? You don't get to come to Arby's with me. What time do you want to go to Arby's? Like five? No. No.

Can I recommend cloud noon? Working sky gold to cloud noon. The sky's illuminated. Time to get to the office until the clouds are shaded by the moon's reprieve. Goes behind the mountains. If you see the sun glistening all across the fountains. Oh, now, listen, it's going to be vitally important that there are fountains everywhere in order for you to make your point.

You have to do that. Yeah, it's hard to. Yeah. How about a Yahoo? Yeah, let me hit you with this Yahoo. This one was sent in by Evan Jones-Thorne. Thank you, Evan Jones-Thorne. It's by Yahoo Answers User.

Hotty101. H-O-T-I-E 101. Thank you, Hotty101. For your bravery. Hotty101 asks, what is a good sumer gob 14s? Summer job, I think, is the translation from this language, which I believe is Swahili. What is a good sumer gob 14? Something that brings in cash, dollars, pretty good business.

These are bullet points, by the way. Let's start over from the beginning now that you understand the context of this list. Something that brings in cash money. So no volunteer work. Pretty good business. That one's important. That's my field. No lemonade stands, though.

Those are illegal. Wait, have you seen these stories? Have you seen stories, by the way, of cops shutting down lemonade stands? Like people actually shutting down lemonade stands because I guess they're not licensed or whatever? This doesn't happen. It's really happening in our America. How old is this teen that they want to bring in good cash money and good business, but lemonade stand would even be on the table in some form or fashion?

I don't know Travis, but I can give you a six-year range. I can say they're definitely between 13 and 19, for sure. I hope to God there's not a 19-year-old that people are like, you should start a lemonade stand. No, no, forget that. That would be some good-ass lemonade. I'm not interested in a mix where there's a bottom layer of silt that is just sugar and you don't get any of that delicious glucose and all you get is yellow water.

No, I want the steady hand of a 19-year-old who's been around the block. I was picturing backward E, made out of cardboard and dowel rod, but maybe it's a food truck thing. Yeah, if you go to a 19-year-old's lemonade stand, you're going to get some made with a Gave nectar, some cilantro mixed in there. And maybe there's some tequila in it. Yeah, and they're going to have a selection of apps, like some sweet potato with some sort of kimchi sauce on top of it.

Oh, I thought you meant like iPhone apps. No. Well, yeah, they have an iPhone app to crush. You get to follow made, the lemonade truck stand. They just call it Nade because it's like a hypercooler version of lemonade. And that's pretty much the way to do things these days, is just to shorten the word and maybe take one of the vowels out. So it's like, and that's maybe like an umlaut over the egg.

Yeah, let's hit. I've been mowing this lawn all day. I've been working up a hearty sweat. You know, I could really go for some maybe a 19-year-old could get an arty's in a lawn mowing job. Lemur and it's just they clip it all by hand. No machines used, very like carbon neutral footprint with plastic safety scissors and free range goats.

What if you open your door after hiring a 19-year-old to mow your lawn and you open the door to see them holding like 20 ropes connected to 20 goats and they just mouth the words, fuck you. And then you had to give them a thousand dollars. Yeah. And 600 of those dollars are going to a fresh class. And at the end of the day, you go out. The goats are still there.

You bought the goats. Yeah. Those live with you now. But now you have an alternative revenue source and those goats are going to pay you back in full. Oh, goats will pay dividends. Because goats are good borrowers. They pay you back with interest in a very timely manner.

What would be a good teen summer job? Well, OK, let's let's give a little bit of background. You guys tell me your teen summer jobs. What did you guys do when you were teens? I used dog buttholes. Yeah, Travis had a buttholes. We've covered that. Super lucrative career.

I did mow lawns for a while. Mow lawns for a while. I remember you not being very good at it. I remember Dave Redd, my dear friend Tommy's dad, complaining that you did a bad job. Or was that your fault? I did not have. I lacked follow through.

Yeah, that was me. I was using a push mower, which means like you can't really tell that your lawn's been mowed. It's just sort of been combed. I did it. I did a good job brushing his lawn. You were a great lawn flattener. Yeah.

And he would come around and be like, hey, this sucks. And I'd be like, I know. Money, please. A poor craftsman plays the tools. So let me just say that I did a bad job. My grass isn't shorter. No, but it is different. Let me get 40, though.

Let me get 40, though, for that. What do you think? I made it look weird. $40, please. Don't be stingy on the tip. Some of it's littler and then I got very tired. I worked at Blockbuster twice. I was a newspaper carrier.

I did that as a teen summer job. You newspaper carried and I think mom and dad do so much of the work that they would not allow me to do it. I tried to. Yeah, I kind of killed that golden goose. And boy, I was making it hand over fist. I was actually so bad at collecting that in the end, when you zeroed everything out, I was pretty much just doing like

volunteer work to keep print alive. I had a summer job working for Justin, your father-in-law, the Tridata Incorporated, where I possessed a lot of, I would say, natural talent and natural skill, but not a lot of natural showing up and doing it. I did instead possess a lot of natural. I'm going to go to Bonnaroo and just like check out the acts this year because I hear it's going to be tight.

So I'm going to need all of that time off work later. And then the next week, there was always another Bonnaroo. There were several Bonnaroo's that summer. Griffin worked at the Tridata Studios where Things How About It Sheets is filmed. He worked there for... How long did you make that last, Griffin, before you... Literally a summer, one summer, before my freshman year of college.

Yeah. I was a legend. I was a legend. He scanned how many documents? 4,000 documents. Put them up on the board. There really was a board. And 4,000 was actually very low on the number of documents.

Yeah, not a great job. Not a great job. Oh, it was a great job. It was a great job. I did a bad job. You didn't do a great job. Yeah, I did a bad job at it, to be clear. But I did lay a lot of the groundwork

that Things How About It Sheets was built upon. That's true. We still find some of your leavings. And my riddles. We still find your riddles. I opened a ceiling tile yesterday, and riddles just came flying out at me. Yeah.

They couldn't have stored there. Yeah, but maybe that explains my low output. Is he filling the place with riddles? He was too busy national treasuring it. Me and my girlfriend watch an Enjoy. I would hope. But you do both of those. A lot of Netflix and Hulu together.

My girlfriend, I watch a lot of Netflix and Hulu. It just despises it. Now they enjoy it. And the only problem is that when we start a show, we both like she will continue to watch it while I'm at work and be seven episodes ahead of me by the time I get home. What? I've tried to ask her to wait for me

till I get off work or we watch it together. But she continues on in her sin and watching the show while I'm at work. How can I get her to stop and watch the show with me? P.S. my work schedule is 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. So I'm gone a lot of the time. I think your bigger question is, what do I do when my girlfriend dumps me

because she does not like me very much? This relationship is head for Rocky Waters, my friend. I was going to say just break up with her. Justin, I'm so glad we're on the same page. I don't think. This relationship's over. This is like the Keystone. It's 2015.

Like keeping your Netflix and Hulu episode count in sync is like the Keystone of a happy marriage. If I saw a new book at the bookstore, it's called Minner from episode 16 of Orange is the New Black and Women are from episode 10. And on the inside of the book, it just says, fuck it, your host. She has to have a show that she wants to watch that you don't.

That's the secret. That's the secret is to keep this in line. You've got to have your secret shows that each of you have. And then you have to have these shared shows because it's not a question of them wanting to get further ahead. It's not a race, you know, Orange is the New Black. It's not the race. Unless she just wants to feel like prescient, like,

oh, you'll never know what happens next. Oh, something very exciting is coming. You got to have your stuff, right? Rachel's got her scandal. I just I love Josh Molina. Oh, man, I love Josh Molina, but it does not seem like my thing in the same vein. For me, Twin Peaks, that's not Rachel's thing.

That's not going to be her thing, but if I'm sitting alone and she's out doing a thing and I'm at home not doing a thing, I'll turn on Twin Peaks. And that's how we keep ourselves honest when it's time to burn through key and peel or something like that. There is another option that is probably less palatable for your girlfriend. But that is when you return home,

you jump back to where you were and she has to sit and watch the episode she's already seen. So if she's just doing as a time filler, like then you both still get to watch them together, but she gets to keep going. I guarantee if you like make her do that a couple of times, she'll stop watching them without you, so as not to just have to repeat view them a couple of times.

But it may get old for her. I love Travis, the supposition you've made that he's going to be able to tell her anything when it comes to Netflix and Hillers. So it sounds like this Bronco's done been let out the pen already. And I don't think he's going to lasso that steed back in with his horse pen.

How much more? Yeah, keep going. I want more rodeo. Justin and Sydney have been watching a lot of rodeo masters together. It's just in his brain. Let me hit you guys with this business opportunities fiscal potential promise that I'm making to you.

It is a dongle, USB dongle for your device, whatever device you use, that is tied to your accounts. You can tie it to your Netflix account. You can tie it to your Apple TV. You can tie it to your Roku. I don't know. I don't know. All of your devices and your accounts and your boxes

and your set top boxes and your devices and your peripherals and you're going to have a dongle for it. And this dongle has two keyholes in it. And you each have a key and you have to activate it like a submarine if you want to watch oranges the new black. I love it, Griffith. That's a wonderful, wonderful concept. I think she would just take his key though.

Like you cannot hold this woman back from watching television. The key has a biometric key inside of it as well. Griffith, have you not seen leverage? There's a way around all of this. Because that biometric password is one password and it's also you have to provide a stool sample. So yes, yes, it's complicated. It's going to solve your problem,

but you're going to have to take a shit every time you want to watch plug lines or have some lying around. But oh God, that actually gets into a problem because then you can get into the other person's shit. Okay. You're going to need a biometric say for your stool and your reserve stool.

Your orange is the new black poop. And hold on. This really goes down so deep. Why don't you just like trust and love each other? I guess that's an easier option than you don't have to buy our dongle. If the roles were reversed, Sidney could definitely trump me by saying that,

oh, that's okay. I'll just pick up wherever you're at. What are you serious? We would turn up when we first started dating, we would turn on shows and she would say, oh yeah, I've seen some of the season. What, what did you say? You watched some of them and then stopped

and then started watching. What are you even saying? I don't even understand. I read the first and middle chapters of that book. Who does that? I mean, I did. If I was just like cheating to get through my accelerate or read your classes in elementary school.

I read every other page of Treasure Island, aced it. I'm just saying, if you don't sync up with your partner when you're watching your favorite television shows, then you're being a real goober boy. So I said it like that. So it'd be like an inside joke that like, maybe it would seem like we've referenced that

in past episodes of My Brother, My Brother and Me. And so like people would think like, wait a minute, did you listen to that episode to their partner? If they listened to My Brother, My Brother and Me in that way, just to sort of like throw them off as like a practical joke. But what about this part, Griffin?

But you've just said that you just explained why you did it. Well, I was hoping that one of the partners would be laughing so loud that they can't hear this. Okay. The great goober boy joke? Well, it's a conceptual. But you didn't, before you made the goober boy.

It was an alternate reality game. It was an alternate, it was an alternate, it was an alternate, it was an alternate reality game. Griffin. That was genius. Thank you. Griffin, Griffin, Griffin. I'm honored to work with you.

Happy Father's Day, you guys. Do you want another Yahoo? Sure. Was that all the opening? Yeah. Let's get to our first question. This Yahoo was sent in by Zoe Kinski, climbing that ladder.

Thank you, Zoe Kinski. It's by Yahoo Answers user VB who asks, Does anyone practice baby massage on their six to 12 month old baby? A friend of mine is trained in baby massage and showed me how to do it on my little boy when he was about three months old. He loved it, but I didn't really continue with it

as much as I should have. Now he is eight months old and he is having trouble with his teething and sleeping problems. So I thought perhaps baby massage would help. Only problem is he is now so active. I can't get him to stay still long enough. He gets frustrated if I try and keep him lying down.

I don't really want to try and make him anyway as that defeats the purpose of baby massage as you are only supposed to do when they are relaxed. So I was just wondering if anyone on here has been more successful with their LO and little one? Correct. And if you have any tips, thanks X. This is a Father's Day question just for Justin

about his baby massage techniques. Yeah, they're good for when the baby is trying to get to sleep. It can be useful to, I found that soothes her sometimes. Oops, this is supposed to be a joke because his baby massage is a real thing. Yeah, baby massage is like a real thing. What do you do?

It's also important to use it after your baby has had a tough week at work. Maybe the boss has been writing. So okay, baby massage is a real thing. But to Travis's point, the problem I have with baby massage is what stress is this baby trying to unwind from? I saw your whole day, baby. You ate some Cheetos and then fell asleep in the car

and then watched cartoons forever and then went to sleep at seven. Your life is fucking dope as hell. I would freak you Friday you in a heartbeat. Why am I going to massage you? How about you get those little feet, get those little puppies up on daddy's back and walk on dad's back and massage him?

Because dad's had a day. Thanks for the rubdown pops. Mom left the room, thought she existed no more. Yeah, that's the thing. That object permanence, Justin, that is the stressful thing. Can you imagine? If every time Sidney left the room, it was like, well, Sidney's not here anymore.

Shit, you would get some tension up in your sacrum and stuff. Sidney is not now nor ever was. Yeah, but then it's counterbalanced by the fact that every like two minutes you got to be like, I have a mother. It's all balanced out. Oh man, Justin. That doesn't relax you.

Run me through your baby massage techniques. Are there aroma therapeutic elements? What do you ask her? You get the, you light a Barney scented candle. What does that smell like? What does Barney smell like? Like the sweaty inside of a sweaty suit. It is very unpopular.

I bet that I bet actually a baby would like that because for like nine months a baby was like inside of a sweaty suit. That's what it's like to be in utero inside of a Barney costume or any costume. I used to play Cowabunga, the WTCR mascot of our daddy's radio station. So it was basically like I was having a rebirth experience

every time that I was chili fests rolled around. Where is that? He should be here by now. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, he just texted. He said he's running about 15 minutes late. If he's not in a room, then I refuse to acknowledge his existence.

The apps are going to get cold. I don't know. Baby, you like squeeze their little hands and arms and like. Is it just squeezing the baby? It's just basically squeezing the baby. It sounds like it's more for you than it is for her. I didn't really learn how to do it. I got as far as learning that it's a thing

and then just kind of went crazy. Well, I am of the school. It's not something you can learn. It's something you either can do or you can't like. Look at your hands. Look at that baby. Does one and one make two? You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I like to take an Ashiatu approach. A lot of, you mix in some cleansing yoga and then you and this part go, man, be careful, but you got to stand on your baby. And then you're not going to want to do it. And the baby's not going to want to do it.

And don't do cupping. A lot of people will say, cut the baby. Don't. No, you'll get that. You'll suck the whole baby up into it. Charlie really enjoys baby acupuncture. And that takes a steady hand, boy. And you have to paint the needles and stuff.

Because, oh my goodness, there is not a lot of area on that baby. That's expendable. Especially if you're going in the ocular region. Oh, boy. I mean, the baby gets the tension. Well, they get tension headaches. Is there a difference between that and hot stone? Hot stone?

Oh, no. For that, I just leave the baby out on the sidewalk. Because I feel like it's been sunny all day. And that'll be fun. And also, daddy needs a drink and a nap. Catch you in 15, little kid. I guess I prefer it when babies massage each other just sort of like in like a seductive way.

Because it's like more pure and like the energy will be better. It's good to do baby massage outside on the lawn, but do not leave your baby unattended for too long, or they will be carried away by ants. That is a parenting tip from me to you. It would blow your mind how many babies get carried away by ants. Ants are very strong. Just one per year.

But then they get to be the ant king or queen. Listen, acupuncture needles aren't going to buy themselves. So let's go to the money zone. Especially not these super little ones. Yeah, with all the fun colors. My brother, my brother and me is supported in part by Casper, an online retailer of premium obsessively engineered mattresses for a fraction of the price.

Now, I know it's weird what you're thinking, buy a mattress without sleeping on it. That's insane. So what Casper does is a risk-free trial and return policy. You can try sleeping on one for a hundred days, and you get free delivery and painless returns. That's a lot of farts you could put in that mattress. Travis.

You could put a lot of farts in that mattress. Justin. You could fill that mattress in the farts and send it back. You could double the weight of that mattress before you send it back. Travis. If you listen to our show, you can get $50 towards any mattress purchase if you go to casper.com slash my brother and then use the coupon code my brother

all one word at checkout terms and conditions do apply. Travis, you have been sleeping on a Casper. How's that working out for you? It was interesting at first because I prefer a bit of a softer mattress. And Teresa prefers a firmer mattress. And this is such an interesting balance of those two that now it's been about a month, I would say, since we started sleeping on it.

I can't imagine sleeping on anything else. It's because it's memory foam. It's very soft, but because of the engineering of it, it's also a very firm. So it's like a very firm memory foam. I highly recommend it. Been getting a lot of good sleeps. It says here that these mattresses are obsessively engineered.

That's not just a bullet point. That literally, you are guaranteed that an engineer went mad with every mattress that they create. Every mattress they get, they basically burn out an engineer's mind and they succumb to the darkness. Now, one out of every 100 mattresses is haunted by that engineer. Oh, and you got to be careful with that one. Oh.

Why do you think they call it Casper? What do you think the next thing is? Like the next sponsor? The next sponsor? Oh, yeah. The next sponsor is Slip Shine. If you like adult comics, and who doesn't? You talking about like the new Hawkeye run?

I got to play Spider for worse. No, I don't mean either. Lockhorns. Lockhorns tackles a lot of adult subjects. Andy Capps. Andy Capps deals with some really heady issues. No, I'm talking about dicks and boobs and everything in between. Oh, sex car field.

You got to reach for Slip Shine. Proudly publishing over 150 pages of fun sex positive adult comics every month. This week, our listeners can get a special offer. If you get a Slip Shine.net slash M-B-M-B-A-M slash fiction. No, it's not slash fiction. Please don't make that. I'll quit the internet. No first time sign up fee and a 10% discount on six month and yearly subscriptions.

It's a great deal. There is also a comic starring us that has some fun sex positive, not work positive, a comic strip about us boss, boss negative. Yeah, boss negative sex positive comics. And they got 10 years of archives. So you are going to be able to masturbate to a lot of this for a long, long time. For sure. For sure.

Come annihilate your net nanny at Slip Shine.net slash M-B-M-B-A-M. We also have a message for Kate. This message is from Babby, Craig and Julie, Conway and Queen Blanche. The whole gang. And they say the whole gang says congrats on graduating from nursing school. You did it. Depending on when this gets read. Maybe congrats on taking your boards too.

I like that. Here's to freedom from classes, more visits to the adventure zone, and lots of texts about our weird injuries and illnesses. Oh, and saving lives. We're so proud of you. You're a pal and a confidant. And we rely on each other. Is that the Golden Girl theme song?

No, that's Islands in the Stream. I got those two confused, didn't I? You did. You did get those two confused. Both great tunes. Let me get on the ones and twos real quick. And because now I've got the inspiration, and if I don't do it now, I'll forget about it.

Here comes the birthday mashup, Kate. From us to you. My name is, this is my new band I'm putting together, a new musical artist. I'm calling myself Golden Girl Talk. That was a great joke, and it was Pearls Before Swine, too. I'll leave that for the audience to laugh. The only song that Charlie likes is All About That Bass, the only song that Charlie likes.

It used to be that and spoke weed every day, but now it's just All About That Bass. I've listened to that fucking song so many times that I've started inadvertently creating mashups in my head between that and other songs that I like more than All About That Bass, which is to say basically any other song at this point. So I will often walk down my house singing to myself, let me see if I can do it.

All About That Bass, About That Bass. No treble you'd like to think that you're immune to this stuff. Oh my God, that's fresh. It's a really good mix. If somebody can edit that and make it into a mix that I can listen to, maybe my baby will like that. I can transition her gradually to any other song by mixing up with All About That Bass.

I got a message for Crystal from Daniel. Jumbotron, Jumbotron. Gather ye earbuds from nerd and far. These brothers, three wisely studs, come with a birthday revelation going out to cross the nation. Okay, this is one. This is iambic pentameter. This is a poem and you're reading it.

You're just you're you're you're watching it. You are but it's not broken up. It's hard to read the meter. Well, they did it in a straight up coming style. You've got a brain and two eyes. Jumbotron, Jumbotron. Gather ye earbuds from nerd and far. These brothers, three wisely studs,

come with a revelation going out across the nation to one garbage deli with dumps like a truck and other delicious delicatessons. Happy birthday, Crystal. And thanks for all the genuine microwave cheese burgers and especially the McElroy. I did appreciate how you tried to make that last sentence, Ryan. I also really like it hadn't more of like a slam poem.

Yeah, I was kind of hoping you would slam it even harder than you slammed it. Like I want like a monster dunk. Man, this rhyming stuff is easy. Happy birthday, Crystal. I hope this is the gift you were hoping for. No, it's probably like an iPod Nano or something. Hey, you like t-shirts, right?

How about a mug? Are your walls looking a little bare? Visit maxfunstore.com and cover all of these bases and more. We just added some amazing new shirts and posters. So visit today and outfit your home and torso with the freshest Maxfun merch, maxfunstore.com. Travis, you wanna read the next question? I do.

Yeah, sure. Hit it. Oh, I see what's going to happen here at him. I get interrupted all the time. No, wait, you know what? Let me just do it. I'll just do it. It's fine.

I get interrupted all the time. Hey, actually, you know what? I can hop in here if you guys want me to. Oh, yeah, sure. It's fine. Go ahead. Okay. I get interrupted all the time.

Hey, it's me, Sheila. I came by to see if you guys were good if you still wanted to order or not because you got customers waiting in the aisles to get in. This is a different person. Sheila's the manager. Sheila's the manager. I run this Applebee's on 16th Street and Lexington Avenue

and I'm telling you guys, you can't just sit here drinking water. The water's not free. It is free with the purchase of a meal, but now you're starting to get my go. Sheila, let's work something out. We host a comedy podcast. You see all the microphones around the table? Yeah, I thought we had those installed before

and I didn't think they were microphones. I thought they were bottles of A1 sauce. We just had our microphones painted to look like bottles of A1 sauce because it helps us focus our recording. How about we could make you a podcast celebrity? If you let us keep sitting here waiting for our daddy, we'll let you read a question on our podcast.

I'm interested in fame. I get more than enough fame working here at the Applebee's on 16th and Lexington. People know my name. I have a distinctive voice. I'm very memorable. My name is Sheila and I'm the Applebee's manager. If you work in an Applebee's, statistically speaking,

you probably will at some point be the subject of a snarky opinion column on a food blog at some point. For sure. I run my own food blog. What's it called? It's called Five People You Meet In Heaven. Listen, you guys can take a good bunch. I'm going to get out of your hair.

Can I take a drink or are going to do anything for you? I ordered a jalapeno on one slide, but it still hasn't come yet. I will check into that. Sure, I'm grossly sorry. I will also take two Brutuses. Do you want those all in the same glass? Do you just want me to sort of pour them

into some sort of gravy boat concoction? Same glass is fine. I'm going to get that gravy boat, too, on the free. On the free. I get to wrap it all the time. Is that one of the collectible ones with the Star Trek characters? Yeah, show them the Star Trek story.

But don't see y'all later. Hey, I'll talk to you guys. See you tomorrow. I already miss Sheila. Yeah, me too. I missed the first guy, but I couldn't remember all his voice. I'm sorry, trap.

Go ahead. I get interrupted all the time. Now, you know what? I don't want to break the tradition. Whether I'm telling a long-winded story or just trying to finish a sentence, it seems like people have no problem just talking over me before I've made my point.

It's really starting to bug me. But I don't know how to tell people to pipe down. This is going to be impossible to edit. Don't edit. Why would you edit this? This is all in gold. Let me finish with that coming off like a jerk.

I got my friends to STFU for like a second without sounding like a complete dick. Constantly cut off in Colorado. What I, the way I did deal with this when I did a children's theater is I would stop mid-sentence and just stop. Just stop my thought.

Stop it. Just let the awkwardness hang there. And if they don't want to come back to me, that's fine. That's their prerogative. It probably wasn't that important anyway. I can also say as someone who interrupts people a lot, the best defense against getting interrupted

is to keep the energy you are using, the conversational energy you are using up. Because a lot of the time when I interrupt people, it's because you're trying to save them. What? You're trying to, they're bombing. Well, yeah. I feel like they're,

so it's something you deal with like in acting, especially in Shakespeare, not going down at the end of lines because people will tend to like drop their energy as they get to the end of a thought, which is- So you're suggesting that when you or anybody else interrupts a person, it's because they weren't being hype enough.

It's their fault. Well, no, it's because they felt like I think they're, I think they've run out of things to say, but they won't let themselves stop talking. I'm doing them a favor by interrupting. That is a demented way to think about things. Well, it just seems like-

I mean, yeah. I'm not saying, I'm not saying it's like a healthy mindset. I'm just saying that that is the idea of like, I want to keep the ball in the air and it feels like their energy is flagging. So I'm going to take over for them and then they can jump back in whenever there is.

Why not just say that then? Instead of hopping in and seeming rude, why don't you let them know that you're doing them a favor and be like, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let me step in here because you- Take a break. Go take a drink of water. Your mouth sounds very dry.

Have you confronted these people? Like literally just said like, Hey, I don't know if you realize you're doing it, but you interrupt me a lot. What if they can't even get that out though? Are they invisible? Are they a ghost person? Like maybe just talk louder.

Oh my God, wait a minute. Are you a ghost? Oh, shit. Have you been a ghost this whole time? The earbuds fall out of his ears and roll across the floor. He pictures all the red things he's come in contact with over the last 16 years. He looks in a mirror.

Nothing. It's the first time he's looked in a mirror ever. I think a ghost would be able to see themselves. I don't know the rule on- Is it a ghost mirror? That's a good question. Travis didn't even think about that. The mirror must be haunted.

That's my favorite Barbra Streisand movie. The mirror must be haunted. Can we talk about what? If you can only interact with red objects. Uh-huh. What's so, is that some sort of ghost lore that I don't know about? No.

Ghost love cherry lifesavers. So the only ones they can eat and taste and they're delicious. No Griffin, those are the road flags planted that every time it was a ghost moment that there was something red there. Not that his power was only to interact with red things. Was that for us, the viewer? I'm getting angry.

Do you guys want a yahoo? Sure. This one's for our dads out there in the audience. If you're a dad listening, congratulations. It's sent in by Zoey Kinski. Climbing out of the ladder. Thank you Zoey. It's by yahoo answers user unknown who asks,

How to make my dad stop using words like swag? He is ruining my life. I am 16 and my dad is 40 something. Learn your dad's age. Everybody learn your dad. I can't tell you how many people I talked to. You're like, how old is your dad? And I don't know, I don't know.

50 something. You should know your blood type. I can't tell you how many times I've listened to Griffin ask people how old their dads are. And that's what I want to intercede on his behalf. Well, yeah, because it's a competition. The oldest dad or youngest dad or tightest dad by. Or which dad traveled the farthest to get here today.

Yeah. Yeah. Most likely to succeed. My dad has the prettiest eyes. He's class clown. Did not succeed is another one. Biggest failure. Anyway, my dad is 40 something.

And IDK if his having a midlife crisis or something, but he keeps using words like swag, YOLO. And then there's some like at sign, hash pound percent at like maybe they're cursing or maybe this dad is just like yelling YOLO and then using profanity. Bro chilling with my bros, dudes, sup and then inwards.

But that's not, that's different. That's a whole other can of worms. It's a whole other dad perception. Yeah. That's not dad exclusive. That's just bad, et cetera. I think you get what I mean. And it's so annoying because he's trying

to act all cool and stuff. But it's just so weird. For example, yesterday my friends were here and we were playing this video game my friend brought and he walks in all like sup bros. Are you chilling? You want some beer? And then he attempted to high five my friends.

Oh God. And he took a look at the game and he was like, sick game you've got, dude. Update. I actually did ask him to just stop because he's making a fool out of himself. And you know what he said? He literally said, blank please.

I'm guessing that is another racial slow, racially charged word and left. It's getting out of control. I know this might sound fake, but he's like that. That's why I'm here. Update number two. Ooh, long narrative on this one. Dad and I have come to an understanding.

I didn't appreciate him. He didn't appreciate me. We've grown closer as friends. No, instead, update two, the copy of update two reads, he said inward please and we are not even black. Seriously. This question asked by Timmy Hawk. No, Tony Hawk is a perfectly,

just when I interviewed Tony Hawk for our job and he's a perfectly lovely man. Also, Tony Hawk's son is not Timmy. I brought this up because there was a commercial that popped on Hulu the other day of like Tony Hawk, like he's driving a car. His kids are in the back seat and they're all like boarding on their phones and stuff

and he like peels off the road and drives like an abandoned water park and they like all skateboard around the park. And I was left with this genuine feeling of, I bet he's an awesome dad. Oh, he's the best dad in the world. Yeah, the only problem is he named his first child 360 boat. And then the second one, Ollie.

And it's like, okay, that's better. But then his second son was born without bones and I bet he was like, I've only had waited. And he named his third son, Harry Potter. That's just what he was into. And then his fourth son, he named Giant Flaming. So his name would be Giant Flaming Hawk, which is a pretty sweet thing.

This is my son, Thunder Hawk. How do you make my dad stop using these words? These terrible, terrible words. A lot of these words I think are fine for your dad to use and I'm kind of excited about them. Obviously not the racially charged ones. It depends on how he's, let's take the racially charged words out of the conversation because that's a whole nother can of worms.

Yeah, you have to be a pretty cool dad to pull those off, am I right, guys? But if he's coming in with swag and YOLO, is he saying it like this? Yeah, what up, bros? Or is he coming and going, YOLO, what up, bros? Huh, YOLO, who here is a cool homie who wants to swig some of my beer, YOLO?

I'm going to a group hang with my other swag dads. Swag dads would be an awesome bowling league name. Hashtag swag dads. Hashtag swag dads, it's just a chill hang at the Citgo. I'm going to meet some other dads at the DMV. Gonna get our car registration on. Yeah, you know we're gonna get that state approved identification. Because they revoked our license for drunk driving.

Hashtag swag dads. We got mixed. We got all silly with some forloko. And then we got my Jeep Grand Cherokee. Steve died. Damn, I'm gonna go meet my other gearhead dads and we're gonna go get our rides checked to get them inspected, which is something you have to do once a year,

just so you know for the future. You have that to look forward to, YOLO. Hey kids, ROLO's. It's not the thing. I just, does anybody want any delicious ROLO's, candy? Maybe I'll get a sweet new hummer with some neon on the bottom. Just kidding, with these gas prices, I think I'm gonna go with a sort of a mid-sized sedan.

But anybody wants some of this purple drink? By which I mean grape, clearly Canadian. Which is clear. By the way, I put some purple food coloring in it. YOLO. YOLO. I'm getting down on some caesarean by Mitch. I mean, I'm robo-tripping.

I'm in because I have a head cold. And so I do. I'm gonna hit the sack early. Night, you guys. Don't stay up too late. Don't wake up your mother. I love you. I love you all night much.

I love all of you. Even, I know that Bryce is my only one of you who's the son, but I feel like we're connected with you guys. You all have so much potential. I feel like I just don't want to see you waste it. I'm proud of all of you. I know for a while you guys have just thought of me as Bryce's dad, but it would actually help me out a lot.

And I think it would help us build a stronger relationship. If you would think of me as your 420 YOLO swag. A lot. Do you guys like- Don't stay up too late. I don't stay up too late. Do you kids like Drake? You guys remember when I burned those pizza rolls a while ago,

and everybody was really upset and we didn't have any more? I feel like we came out of that with a real like stand by me vibe, like a real brotherhood, like just really connected. Like we're never gonna forget it. Do you guys get the same sensors? Okay. Please don't wake up your mother. Please don't wake up your mother.

It's final. And don't come into my bedroom later, because I'm going to be crushing some guts up there. I love you all so much. Some of you more than Bryce. And also, I was just kidding about that. We're probably going to hit that heroly. Bryce's mom and I haven't touched each other in years.

Okay. Good night, everybody. YOLO. We're going to go up there and finish this true detective for season and then hit the heroly. Now that I've got you kids here, though, I do want to talk to you about crushing guts, because it's important that you do it responsibly

in a place where you feel safe. I know for you guys, you think you know all there is to know about crushing guts and busting nuts, but there's a lot more to it than that. There's a lot more to it than that. It's a promise. When you crush a gut, it's a promise you're making.

You know what's really cool, guys? Safe sex. Safe sex. If you're going to bust a nut, make sure you put a Jimmy cap on your dunger. Yeah. All right. We've lost a bit.

Okay. Good night, everybody. Good night, everyone. Hey, listen. And please, please don't wake up your mother. Oh, my gosh. Don't tell her I talked to you guys about this. YOLO.

Don't tell her I talked out loud without her permission. You know how she gets. Please be out of here before she wakes up if she finds you guys here. Excuse me, God. I'm not allowed to have friends over. What if your dad talked a bunch of shit like this and then Dakota crossed you and he's like,

I'm going to go get loked on Dakota's dad. And he went out and just like blew Dakota's dad away. Just like full drive by like, holy shit, dad. He's like, I know. I've been trying to tell you guys I'm gangster-style. He shouldn't have tried to. I was supposed to go be a deacon at the church tonight, but I'm going to take a break to go kill Dakota's dad.

I call my boy Nate Dogg. I call my boy Nate Dogg's dad. And we had to go regulate. Nate Dogg's dad would be 88 years old at this point. Are we regulating? I'm going to need someone to roll me out. Hey, thanks so much for listening to our podcast. My brother and my brother and me,

we hope you've had a lot of fun. Listen, if you're in the Seattle or Vancouver area, or you can get there, we're going to be doing a live show there at the end of August. bit.ly forward slash mb mb am Seattle bit.ly forward slash van mb mb am. Those tickets are going quickly. So please buy some tickets to reserve seating. So the longer you wait, the worse your seats will be.

So make sure you go right now and go buy some tickets to those shows. Buy tickets to all the shows and then just come to all of them. We're going to drive to all of them. Why can't you? Well, they can't buy ones to the Portland ones. Don't buy ones to the Portland show. This is sold out, but the other ones do it.

Yeah. Why not? It's different stuff or at least 60% different jokes every night. I can guarantee you that. The stunts will be the same in the games. Those are those are mostly going to be the same. If you have challenges, yeah.

If you haven't yet, we really appreciate it. If you would go to iTunes and subscribe, rate, review, help bump us up them old iTunes charts. Makes us feel good. Makes you look awesome. I don't know how, but it does. Excuse me. Are you reviewing a podcast on iTunes?

You seem like one slagged ad. Do you mind if I crush your guts? Thank you so much to John Rodrick and the Long Winters for the use of our theme song instead of partying off the album and putting the days to bed. We got to kick it with John Rodrick at Max Funkon. By the way, thank you to everybody who came to Max Funkon. That was a hell of a fun weekend.

We had a good time chatting with John about his Seattle City Council campaign. If you live in the city of Seattle, look him up. Look up his platform. Now he's got some real good ideas. And just go vote in the primary. The primary's coming up. It's August 1st, I think.

Go do that. He's a super sweet dude. Thank you, John Rodrick. Go listen to the other shows from the Max Funkon Network too. We have other shows that we do like The Adventure Zone, which is a D&D podcast that the three of us do with our dad. It's a super fun show. Even if you don't know anything about D&D, we don't either.

So it's a pretty good barrier or a low barrier of entry, but then we got Justin has Sawbones, which he does with his wife, Sydney, about medical history. Travis has Bunker Buddies that he does with his friend, Andy, about different apocalypses. And then there's a bunch of other shows on the Max Funkon Network, like Throwing Shade and Lady to Lady and International Waters, which is hilarious.

We saw a live taping of that at Max Funkon too. There's so many good shows. They're all free. Go to MaxFunkon.org and check them all out. I also do a podcast with my best friend Brent. You may know him as Brent O'Fallos. We do a show called Trends Like These, where we talk about what's trending on the internet.

It comes out every Monday and Thursday. And Justin, I'm so glad you guys are back, right? Should be this week. Yes. I cannot wait. New episodes of Things I Bought at Cheats. They went on hiatus for a while while they explored different artistic endeavors, but they're coming back so excited.

Things I bought at Cheats with the Z. Go check it out on YouTube. Also, I've been getting weighing the Periscope. People should follow me on Periscope. Having a lot of fun. A lot of fun on Periscope. If you are anywhere near Charleston, West Virginia, our friend and confidant, John Hodgman,

is going to be doing a show in Charleston. If you go to bit.... And this is today. If you're listening to this Monday, he's the 22nd. He's doing it today. Go to bit.ly.ford slash HodgmanWV. And you can get tickets to see Hodgman. They're $30.

And it's going to be great. I'll be there and come say hi to both of us. And it's going to be a hoot. bit.ly.ford slash HodgmanWV. Do you guys want that final? We'll get you with it. It was sent in by Zoe Kinski. Climb.

Oh, scaling that ladder. So close to the top. She'll get there. It's going to happen. Thank you, Zoe. It's by Yahoo Answers user. Danny, who asks. An anime that will make my dad cry?

Oh, just about right. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been my brother and my brother me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture.

Artist owned. Listener supported. Hey, everyone. We're the Flop House. One of the newest additions to the Maximumfun podcasting network. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington.

And I'm Elliot Kalen. What is the Flop House? You may very well ask. We watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it. A bad movie podcast? Isn't that like every fifth podcast on the internet? I'd answer that by saying, one, we've been doing this show for over seven years,

long before the entire premise of our show was a cliche. And two, shut up. Sick burn. I'd say that our show is more of a comedy podcast. A podcast about words that sound like other words. A podcast about me singing long, irritating songs like this one.

A podcast about pitches for a Ziggy comic book movie. Or discussions about sex tarps. Yeah, I mean, mostly it's a show about three friends just hanging out and talking about ding-dongs. That's mostly used to. Wait, what? So if you like any of those things, subscribe in iTunes today.

Or visit maximumfun.org to follow the show. The Flop House.