My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 258: OOH, MOMMY!

Episode Date: June 29, 2015

We started recording this episode moments after the Supreme Court's ruling on gay marriage, which made for some strangely earnest introductory banter. But don't worry: Eventually we get to talking about Pizza Hut wizards. Suggested talking points: Travis McElroy News Minute, Domino's Collapse, Daniel Taste, 16 Stone, 'mojis, Where is Wizard Hut?

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Uh, we were talking about world-like gay marriage, right? I don't know, because it's Friday now and it'll be Monday by the time this... That's alright. What is it?

I'm excited now. Travis. What? The gay marriage is legal across the country. What are you doing? I've only been up for like 10 minutes. Have you been on Facebook or social media, anything? No.

Alright, this will be us breaking the news to Travis. Well, can we just use this? Yes. Yeah, okay. Okay. Welcome, my brother, my brother, me, and my show for the Majinera. I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy.

I'm Griffin McElroy. Travis, I can't imagine what a pleasant surprise is. Good, good. TGIF, gay marriage is now mandatory worldwide. We did it. Okay, that's not accurate. On trends like these, I called it. I said that this would happen and it would be the most successful pride month ever.

I would say I made gay marriage legal. Well, I'm not sure that's accurate. You and the five cool members of the Supreme Court. You know how to hang. Who know exactly how to hang. The other four, I don't think they've ever even... I don't think they know the definition of the word to hang. It's two words.

We can all agree they are L7 weenies. But now they got to be cool because guess what? They got to all get gay married to each other. Luckily, there's four of them. And so there's a nice pairing off there, two and two. Considering according... As far as I can tell, this show is also, in addition to a bad advice show, is the Travis McElroy News Minute.

Maybe we shouldn't goof about what is actually happening on earth because I think Travis might walk away. We may never get another chance to update him on this situation. Listen, if it's not on Buzzfeed, I don't know about it. It's gotta be on Buzzfeed. God damn to you, it's on Buzzfeed. Well, let me look. It's all of Buzzfeed, guaranteed.

Dot geocities. Kids react to gay marriage becoming the law of the land. So gay marriage. Hot button issue. It's not even a hot button issue anymore. It's just like, yes. It's just like, yeah, of course. It's like, of course.

That's what this... Did you guys read the majority declaration? That's what they call it in the court cases that the five of them wrote. And it's just like, yeah. And the dissenting opinion was like, I don't know. It should be left up to the state because the way I interpret the 14th... And the majority is just like, dudes, yes. Travis?

Yes. I just went to Buzzfeed on a whim. The front page of Buzzfeed is the gayest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Oh, okay. Yeah, there it all is. Okay, good. I'm so happy. This is great news to wake up to.

Yeah, I can imagine. God, if only every morning we could wake up. And it's like, well, now I'm going to say thing. This is the Griffin-McRae false equivalence hour. Do you guys feel like because you are... Well, Griffin, you're two hours ahead and Justin, you're three hours ahead of me. That it's a little bit like early edition and like you walked out to your front door. The Kyle Chandler psychic cat show?

Yeah, the cat's sitting on the newspaper. He shoes the cat to end the front page story. He's like, gay marriage is totally legal. And you're like, I have to kill Travis in the past. I am, by the way, my hot new thing. I am deeply into people saying they're moving to Canada. One slight issue. One slight issue.

Which you may have heard about in the past decade. Literally, literally decade. Listen, we've said that. We don't have a lot of jokes. No, we were just shooting for the hit, but this literally is breaking news. It's Friday, we're recording this. I'm like stoked. And we're just so excited to get to break the news to Travis that he has to marry a guy.

I'm so excited. Theresa will be devastated, but she'll get to marry a woman. So like, good for everybody. It's the easy out she's been waiting for. Thanks, Uncle Sam. So that's excellent. I don't know. I'm pretty happy about that.

Let's do like a, let's do like our advice show. Hey, let's do an earnest to ask episode this week. What do you say? earnest from the hip. You know what I mean? That's where I keep my earnestness in my earnestness gun. Well, good. Because I think the first question is somebody will really be able to help with our earnestness

and our answers and our emotions. The other night I got quite intoxicated during my ride home in an Uber. No drinking and driving for me. What do you want to met? Yeah, great. Cool. Cool job law follower. Excellent.

So we got to do two pranks today. One for gay people getting married. And one for you not fucking careening into telephone pole. Okay. I ordered pizza from a prominent chain. The only one open till 3 a.m. Diminios. Now I passed out

when I got home in my drunken stupor. The driver tried to call me but I was not waking up. Now here's the problem. I elected to pay cash online when I ordered. So they couldn't charge me for either the pizza or being an asshole fee. What's my next move? And how long do I have to wait before drunkenly ordering from Domino's again? That's from pizza perpetrator in Pittsburgh.

I like the phrase what's my next move? Checkmate Diminios. The day is. Why does Domino's let you choose the cash option after midnight? That's a good point. That's a really, actually a really good point Travis. They should be like 11.50 not okay. Now with credit cards only.

You should have to pay a security deposit. Yeah. You should only be able to obtain contractual pizza after midnight. There should definitely be some sort of like mortgage put in place. Scan your photo ID. You gotta be careful because the Domino's app is a sign of the coming future world that we're all going to live in. Whether you like it or not, the snow crash-esque world we're all going to live in

where pizza's the only food and the only way you can get it is through applications that you access through your virtual reality biopod. And if you get blacklisted, you get blackballed by Diminios. Guess what? You don't eat anymore because that's it. That's the only thing. What are you going to do? Go outside and fight the cyber dogs? No way.

Here's the horrifying thing no one tells you about those apps. Pizza tracking works both ways. That's true. It's now moving through your bowels. Well, I'm saying they're tracking you like Steve failed to pay Domino's. Spread the word. I imagine you probably every, I would think everybody gets one of these, right? Everybody gets one of these like crank calls such as, whoa, wait a minute.

That's what you tell them. I'm sure they're still stewing about this in every Domino's in America. So call any Domino's and say, listen, I just wanted to apologize. I heard on the deep web, I heard some rumors that I had been, that I was being spoofed and I, someone tried to send a pizza in my house and I'm sorry. As you can tell, it was very late. I had church in the morning. I was already asleep and I am very sorry that you were pranked by that.

On a side related note, do you still have that pizza? Because I feel like for my pain and suffering, it's the least that you could do to set this right. Do you know whose fault this really is? Obama's? The Uber driver. Oh yeah. You wouldn't have gotten away with this shit in Lyft. Lyft drivers are buddy.

Lyft driver would have been like, hey, maybe just put the phone down. This isn't a good idea right now. It's $259. They don't want it. Oh, please don't. It's a good thing you didn't bail on your Uber. Because those dudes will go ham. Last time I was in New York, I tried to hail an Uber and they were supposed to pull up at the

hotel I was staying at and I got a call from them. And it was basically like the Riddler was calling me like, Fiddle DD, come find me. I'm in a parking garage that's green. And I failed and I got an angry call from him. And that was the worst day of my life. That has happened to me a couple of times with Uber. Like, come get me. You have GPS.

I've given you tracking abilities. Like, come get me. The game is on. The most dangerous game. Can you find my black sedan? It's a Nissan Ultima. Or is it? My wives.

Fine. In this word jumble, you will find the make and model of my car. But you'll never find me. I'm in a plane. I mean, the thing about Domino's is it's a machine. You it's a it's a machine and in any effort you make to try to rectify the situation like is only going to come up the works more. You cannot expect to be able to call and say, hey, listen,

can you get me on the phone with whoever was working at 2am last Friday? I need to I need to set something right. They're going to they're going to think you're a creep. I mean, life is all about giving yourself little gifts, right? That's that Twin Peaks style of living, right? You do something nice for yourself every day. Just one little nice thing for yourself every day. And this was your nice thing to yourself every day.

And this particular night that you didn't give yourself diarrhea. And to waste someone else's 20 minutes. So that was pretty nice of you. Well, I'm trying to run the math on this. Like, who is hurting? I don't care about hurting Domino's. They're they're they're a multi-billion-dollar corporation. They can handle it.

I'm I'm a little worried about the driver. He's getting paid an hourly rate. He was obviously cheated out of his tip. But like, realistically, he was probably doing a lot of deliveries now. So you couldn't have cost him more than like 10 minutes driving out of his way and rammed the door and finding. But also, Justin, the delivery drivers usually pay for their own gas. That's what like delivery charge and tips cover.

I'm not saying it's a victimless crime, Travis. I'm just trying to mitigate how guilty he should feel. Well, I'll say this. Domino's actually I've got some insider of my dad's on the board of directors of Domino's, my dad, my secret dad that you two don't have. And they're actually in a perpetual state of being one pizza away from bankruptcy. Just one if one pizza situation does not go down as intended. That's it for them.

Oh, maybe he'll come in tomorrow and pay for it. That'll never happen, sir. Gentlemen, it's been an honor. The band starts the band starts playing like the fiddlers. Like I'm going down with the Domino's. Hello, is this Papa John? You have fought a good fight, old friend. And I fear this is where we part ways.

If you'd like to buy, well, you can just send over some of your boxes and we'll put them in your boxes. We've got a few in the oven right now. I'm not sure if you want those two. Do you guys want a yahoo? Sure, yeah. This yahoo was sent in by level 9,000. Yahoo, Druid, Dru Davenport.

Thank you, Druids. By yahoo answers user Marlene who asks, Why do big, beautiful men love putting so much seasonings on their food? Big, beautiful men. Why do big, beautiful men love putting so much seasonings on their food? Why do BBMs put the seasonings? Okay, got it. Speaking as a BBM, I can say that a lot of times the zest has,

it takes a while to permeate my various layers. What do you mean? Describe it. A zest enough for a regular sized person. There's enough zest on here for a regular sized person to keep them, keep their motor running. I have not gotten to be a big, beautiful man by eating bland, flavorless food, right?

I've eaten a lot of different food with a lot of different flavors. I see. So as BBM, I need that next level. And a lot of times, the other thing about it, that this is one of the big, big facets of it. Really pulling the curtain back, Justin. Yeah, well, I'm part of the kimono today. One of the other things about,

which is my least favorite idiom on the planet, one of the other things about it is that a lot of times as a BBM, you have to eat when you're not hungry. And how do you, because maybe you're bored or sad. Okay. So how do you, how do you spice that up literally and help get all the calorie junk down your gullet space? Well, good news.

There's zest. If something's a little salty or spicy, sometimes it can help you forget that you don't need it. I remember one time you cooked me up a ham hock. And I tried to eat it and it burned my mouth, not from the temperature of it, but there was just so much like Parmesan and oregano on it. And my mouth couldn't even comprehend the flavors.

Like I hadn't developed the brain mass needed to take those flavors, separate them out mentally, and experience them all in these like individual compartments. Yeah. Justin, if I may ask, when we talk about BBM's zest, are we talking like a Lowry seasoning salt or like an Italian seasoning or some kind of just like a dry rub sprinkled onto a food after it's finished cooking?

Like what are we? That's kind of for commoners. Usually what I'll do is just use a grater on a salt lick or maybe just throw some gunpowder on there. That's some next level flavor technology. Yeah, it really, yeah. You do what you have to to keep your, keep yourself in the heavyweight class, you know?

So what's next? What's next? Like pencil, pencil shavings? Yeah, pencil shavings are great because free fiber, right? Yeah. And that's what a lot of people are going to go to that first. You know what scares me and what keeps me up at night? Then I'm worried the only flavor that's extreme enough for me

that like I will be able to really get something out of is one meteorite dust to ground up Dodo bones. And that second one is problematic. That's obviously going to be a big part of my day. So I've got to lean towards meteorite dust. Let me ask you a question. Does umami even do anything for you anymore? When was the last time you experienced a good true umami flavor?

The last time I experienced umami was before the idea of umami wasn't better. So I didn't even know what I was just like. Right now in my 34 year old mind like savory is like a dream I invented. Like you can't put enough savory on something for me to taste today anymore. Justin could we use modern day technology to like 3D print some kind of zest. That would really do it for you. Some kind of new zest.

Yeah. That like cutting as Jurassic World shit where we mix in a bunch of different zest and also some cuttlefish. We end up with like the zest of the zest. Right. Like this is the zest you put on zest to make zest more flavorful. And here's what we'll call it. You guys ready for this?

This is a new flavor variant. Right. You got your bitter. You got your sweet. Your sour. This is a new thing altogether. And it's this hyper powerful zest taste is going to be called umami. Oh no wait.

I said it wrong. Umami. And that's what you say every time you put it on like a pizza crust. The sixth flavor. The seventh. It's the seventh flavor. Oh umami. Umami.

Yeah. That's what they're creating with the Large Hadron Collider. As soon as that thing shuts off they're going to go over there with a Hoover and a Salt Shaker and they're just going to suck it up and be like okay we got enough here to make one dinner taste good for the J-Man. Gotta shit this FedEx double express. They're firing a fun-sized packet of sour skittles at a BW3's Inferno level buffalo wing.

And when they collide in the middle. Oh umami. That's what the scientists will say. Do you mean Eureka? No I. I'm doing a thing. Leave me alone. Leave me alone.

Damn it's going. I if I was like my name is Daniel and I'm the guy running the Large Hadron Collider and I invent a new part of the of the like the flavor spectrum that has not been discovered before. That only hummingbirds and BBMs can taste. Yeah only hummingbirds and BBMs can taste my new part of the flavor spectrum that I discovered. There's no way I'm not trying to name it after myself. There's no way I'm not going to call like oh this this is Daniel taste.

Mmm I can't I'm I'm getting a little bit of is that black pepper? Mm-hmm and a little bit of is that Daniel taste? That is Daniel taste to you. That'll be the the the subtitle of the flavor. It's ooh mommy. The Daniel taste. And it'll be it'll be as bitter as Swiss shard and a trillion scoville units. Ah my mouth burns but it's so sweet.

I'm dead now from Daniel taste. Oh my mouth is puckering but it's on fire. What the hell what is going on? Daniel's the only one who can taste it without going immediately completely insane. But you know what it's on a nice ham hock it's worth it. Oh for sure. What do you do about a friend who won't stop recommending TV shows to you? It's not a situation where she suggests things she thinks are good and leaves up to me.

She's constantly checking in to make sure I watch a particular show she thinks I'd like because it has a character of my race or sexuality. Uh her current favorite is my mad fat diary which quote reminds her of me. How do I tell her that I'm not that I'm just not interested and her pestering is getting annoying. That's from your mad fat friend. Are you throwing friend around liberally here? Yeah that's a loose use of the word friend.

Oh it's a real show. What happens on this give me a little context what happens on my mad fat diary? Set in Stamford Lincolnshire in the mid 1990s my mad fat diary follows the story of a 16 year old 16 stone girl Ray Earl. She's her she's made out of 16 stones she's like a rock monster? No that's Griffin that's how people weigh themselves in like the UK. Yeah it's 224 pounds Griffin. Because that's how much all stones weigh there.

They've got the most uniform stones. So the math on that 16 times 14 is this woman weighs 1200 pounds. No that's not accurate. What a weird thing what a weird metric to recommend. I mean I guess okay I guess I'm not really getting the full experience of this because I'm a white straight dude and so people were like dude you gotta see the shows 24 friends like all of them man all the shows you're gonna love them. Watch basically any show besides the L word like just watch any show.

I'm sorry he has a great joke about that where he talks about like people talking to him about slumdog millionaire and he's like what's it like to be white he was like madman that's us like it must be so great. I feel like I'm watching all the TV shows already I got my master chef I you know I've got my dancing with the stars or not my dancing with the stars my so you think you can dance with the stars you think you're hot shit hey I've got you think you're hot shit huh dance with these stars. Hey tough guy you think you can dance go fuck yourself. Hey you clumsy piece of shit get on that dance floor humiliate yourself.

You think you could dance? I never I never said that oh yeah well get out there no I never I never claimed I could dance that's the show I want to be on I never claimed I could dance. Why are you making me do this? Please God just let me sit down. Can you just say to her like when she's like you gotta check out this show be like no you know I know I already watched enough shows. I have another thing Travis it's basically like that but the opposite.

Okay. Just say you did and then see how long. What if she quizzes you? So what? Tell me what happened in minute 15 of episode four. I I think it would be a fun game for yourself to keep things fresh to just see how long you could feign that you had watched this show. And then never admit that you're lying.

Yeah right never ever admit to just say you must have seen a different edit or like use you watch some deleted features on the web. Some extended scenes. Are you sure we're talking about the same show and let your friend continuously try to be like yeah the one with the girl she weighs like 16 stone yeah no I know and then like she has the invisible friend no no she lives in a small town yeah no I know and she rides like the big pink motor scooter that's like bigger than any other scooter in town right and like no. I okay I see what happened here I see I used some codes I found inside

some specially marked containers of Snapple to get some exclusive scenes and some exclusive wallpapers that I downloaded for true fans. For my Motorola Razor. They're they're Razor so maybe you were like are you exchanging the Snapple points to get all the bonuses. Oh I thought you said you like the show. Oh yeah I thought you were really into it. You should you should not only do this you should then lie about your experience watching

my big fat so-called life and then make a make a fan site based on your take on the show. So you have some like evidence to direct you to like this is where the true fans hang and see how long you can keep that delusion going. That's that's your own show you just catfished then if they want you to watch catfish now you got another problem. Oh I just have a little box at the bottom where she can submit her Snapple points but instead of having a counter of how many more Snapple points she means just have it every time say almost there and and then see if you can get your friend to

blow all of her money on Snapple which would be quite enough funny because it's good for you but it's also good for Snapple because I think they need it. Yeah and good for them because that just basically a vitamin slurry. I need you to go out and get on the internet and memorize the names of like 10 super obscure anime television series and then every time she's gonna hit you with this my big fat Greek tv show you say that's interesting now as is part of our arrangement I have a deep web anime recommendation for you you could you could tell you could suggest to her that she watch movies that know that are impossible to be uh that you can't find like home on six like lost films I'm talking like

yeah I would I would love to watch that will you hit me back once you've watched the jitterbug scene from Wizard of Oz and they'll never find it and that way you like then you have hold over their head do you guys want a yahoo please here's a yahoo I'm gonna drop on all y'all and it's by it was sent in by recognize the game of Rachel Sperling take a moment it's asked by yahoo answers user drew so I don't know if maybe there's some crossover effort happening here drew asks is it bad to eat only five cheetos a day I've been eating extremely healthy for a while and my body is starting to look pretty damn good so with uh eating only five hot cheetos a day affect anything that much or is the quantity so low it would barely do anything at all now I am assuming

this person means they are not eating more than five cheetos a day and not that their entire they are subsisting completely on a quintet of cheetos gotcha that's how I read the title at first you just have two cheetos for breakfast two for lunch and then a sensible dinner of one cheeto right well you don't want to have bad dreams how many calories you guys think are in a cheeto like it per I mean it depends right like they're not they're not pressed you know they're not stamped out there's there's variation if you had to guess I would say I would say about 80 calories per cheeto yeah that sounds right I would say like half a stone of calories half a stone of calories um is it bad to eat only five though I mean god god to restrain on this person this self control

on this person do you think they have a special like a special doctor that comes to their house and like gives them their prescription every day because if you have a bag there five cheetos is going to turn into five score cheetos five che- nobody's ever did you know guys know that nobody's ever closed a bag of cheetos this is actually true uh people either empty the bag and then tilt it up and get all that good good stuff or they uh let it leave it open they're like oh never again they're just gonna get crunchier yeah I think that um the problem becomes eventually your routine will grow so ingrained that if you ever only eat four cheetos or accidentally eat six you'll die oh no because you'll achieve a perfect balance in what in this human

machine um and then eventually if your body's like wait there's only four cheetos it'll go into basically like septic shock and you'll die yeah right now I'm not a doctor mind you but I have had a lot of experience with cheetos I mean they they warn you right up front that they're dangerously cheesy dangerous dangerously cheesy it also says in the package that if you eat exactly five of them every day it's the equivalent of the limitless pill and you'll be able to think super good and you'll be able to get a big bank job and but their government's gonna come after you I have not seen the movie limitless that's basically what happens he eats some cheetos and it makes him really efficient and that's why it's a fantasy movie it would make you efficient wouldn't it these these these beautiful

waypoints throughout your day these these beautiful check markers these checkpoints oh boy almost time for my 10 a.m cheeto I better get some work really earn it you've you've just turned this whole thing around for me griffin because I assumed it was like handful five cheetos flip them in and like oh that was my like midday snack you're saying parse it out throughout the day or maybe reward yourselves for little achievements like took the garbage out cheeto like finish that term paper I was working on cheeto like to set him up as goalposts throughout the day now we're on to something I can get behind this but then some days you just have shithead days where you just sit around you play destiny all day and you realize that oh it's 9 p.m. I didn't do anything better just slam these five cheetos

pom pom pom pom pom but then that's awesome because you just ate a bunch of cheetos what am I talking and then you reward yourself with more cheetos no god no no oh you'll die that's right did you guys know that in japan there are mountain dew flavored cheetos yeah why why is japan allowed to out america america like aren't they worried about infringing on our national copyright of being the worst like that's kind of her thing yeah I mean it's less it's less than being the worst and more about like I mean true the true japanese style is like recognizes the possibility of food mashups like then pumpkin pie kitkats I ate all of I was gonna bring them home for folks but then I was on the plane and I didn't just eat five I ate maybe 30 the the website I went to find a picture of these

because I I wanted to make sure I wasn't talking out of my ass before I said I was pretty sure existed but there's a paragraph in the story I'm reading it says the move is probably not a huge surprise as Frito lay is the same company that introduced Pepsi flavored cheetos last year what do you know how fucked your world you have like do you know how like how like numb to the wonder of god's creation you have to be for you to see mountain dew flavored cheetos and think well you know it's about to what oh honey are you sure right here in the times I mean I did it again law of large numbers you get infinity monkeys on infinity typewriters one was going to type out the whole works of William Shakespeare we are the monkeys and the Shakespeare is a mountain to cheeto eventually

we were going to do it yes of course somewhere in the universe someone's making mountain do cheetos of course why not here why not us I want cheeto flavored mountain dew oh I mean there is some kind of cheeto beverage listen listen we've all said a lot of shit in the past few minutes but Justin how good with those mountain dew cheetos be crumbled up and put on like some tilapia or something like that that's that's a kind of umami flavor I bet you're dancing umami a daniel taste it's sour it's sweet it's mud like what is mud's flavor because it has it umami a daniel taste brand taste see he founded the daniel taste corporation thinking that he would invent other tastes yeah he flew too close to the sun though oh it's lighting in a bottle he's a one zest wonder

let me I I just had a great idea and I'm gonna throw out this money making idea you guys tell me if you want to invest you know liquor made yeah instead of sugar dust it's just cheeto dust in a bag and then you have like maybe a pretzel stick or something that you dip in I have something that might also work for that Travis what's that pretzel sticks um cheetos well yes Justin but like if you don't dare to dream then like why even wake up in the morning and reward yourself with five cheetos um I have something that else that you could dunk into it uh-huh it's a key to a prison cell that you would be locked inside if you did this thing either created it or consumed it there's a prison cell and it's it's deep in a mountain and no one's ever gonna hear from you ever again

and that's that's where we will put you I will say though that if you did do the original Travis plan of dip in pretzels with cheeto dust uh the the uh pretzel post snack after you've eaten all the cheeto dust the the sloppy slimy wetzel if you will uh would become the world's new number one leader uh uh for thing that no like the worst thing you could possibly eat narrowly edging out previous champion alive sparrow so oh man this is going to be the episode that makes me stop eating food I don't have an adventure let's go to the money's out me undies is dedicated to offering the most comfortable underwear on the planet I'm wearing them right now and they are changing my butt life and they're not just for guys even though I'm a guy

they're not just for guys they got a new collection uh called all of me it's a women's collection and it's a four-piece line of undies designed specifically for the uh confusing angles and curves of the female form uh uh and the mc escher like angles of a woman's body the imperceptible warping of gone on in the contouring of the female form the grain of the female form I've been doing a lot of whittling I you can get 20 off of me undies which really are fantastic uh they you can get a hundred percent off of me undies you you would pay twice as much for comfortable underwear of this quality but you're not going to do that because you know us you can get 20 off of the already very reasonable me undies prize but going to me undies.com slash my brother that's me undies.com slash my brother

I wish I could take 20 percent off of my me undies and make a little window for my nuts we have that wait not your dick just your nuts don't can we not it's funny if you say nuts one time if you say it a lot then we start to sound like a like limp biscuit good jerky boys CD we have another sponsor speaking of nuts and jerky and belgium waffles uh this the next sponsor is nature box you know them you love them you eat them you snack on them and you chew on them you swallow them and they make you strong with all the nutrients in there they're made from all all artificial flavors like ooh mommy they're made with zero artificial flavors the ooh mommy is is totally unnatural found deep deep in the mariana trench buried in an alien pod

but it's real uh they don't have any colors or sweeteners zero grams trans fats and no high fructose corn syrup you can get snacks like mini belgium waffles strawberry eliminated fruit stars and sweet and salty nut medley all really really tasty if you go to naturebox.com slash my brother you can get a free trial box of their favorite snacks again that is naturebox.com slash my brother get yourself a free box of snacks i got a message for tori who's the best big sister ever and it's from best who's the totally kick-ass little sister the message is this message follows to the bestest most smartest most beautiful as big sister ever this is me publicly apologizing for that time i hit you in the face with a lightsaber happy birthday i love you the ps i still think

you should have blocked it doesn't yeah yeah i mean tori i don't want to throw shade because that's not our show and we'll get in the legal hot water but you probably should have blocked like when you saw it coming when the shit hits the fan and every day when the lightsaber hits the face every day in this country is basically gonna be like the purge except everyone's got lightsabers you're gonna need to know some skills you're gonna need to know how to riposte how to parry how to face dodge all of these techniques are very important if you want to become a true jedi knight young padawan it's me it's me yoda going to train it's me yoda train you i train you i will in the ways of my jedi skills in the corner here at the idea come to the grand ballroom and we

shall dance for that is the first lesson in jedi sword battles take up your Jared it's like a combination of Jared from labyrinth yoda and emperor palpatine you remind me of the jedi babe young skywalker with his sister i mean you you don't know about her yet shit anyway take up take up thine sword as i blast you are we to assume by the way magic are we to assume by the way that when best says that torii is the most beautiful big sister ever she means other than the horrific instantly cauterized laser burn across her face right other than that of course well maybe it's dashing oh kind of like uh roguish yeah i've got that roguish lightsaber roguish third degree laser burn i have another message here for bob peterson and it's

from a j johnson who says watch your fucking back money well spent a j well maybe this is like a j this is the new black spot i imagine my excitement that we finally have uh my brother my brother and me bit that will be entered into evidence in a court of law they're exciting for me there is no way on earth that there that hasn't existed yet we've told so many i mean we've been sued hundreds of times despite our disclaimer at the beginning of the television program did i say television because it's not that it's a podcast uh we we got that disclaimer there and we still get sued on on the reg it's happening every day people people it started in episode one people were using too much shampoo and burning their scalp off it's just people don't listen

they don't listen they don't listen or they listen too much they listen too or they listen too much yeah it's a real problem hey you like t-shirts right how about a mug are your walls looking a little bare visit maxfunstore.com and cover all of these bases and more we just added some amazing new shirts and posters so visit today and outfit your home and torso with the freshest maxfunmerch maxfunstore.com i recently dodged some layoffs at the small town local newspaper now i write and edit articles for a company that organizes conferences for video games i wait did you dodge them by quitting or did you not dodge them i dodge them by quitting before they could fire me i think that's what they mean actually yeah okay so even that they were the only person

not fired and they went like oh cool cool you can't fire me you can't fire me i quit we weren't like we weren't going to fire you we fired Todd because he was being a dick this is not a wave of layoffs it's a bullet it's a ray it's a straight line of layoffs and it pierced through Jerry because he's a dick this is this is clearly a toad off this is not a layoff we got a toad off folks let's go to the parking lot we're going to have one toad in the office we're going to sell this event so Todd sorry Todd you just weren't Todd enough you just went out Todd and out Todd out Todd out Todd survivor Todd you've been voted off wait which Todd wait which one oh sorry Todd Todd glasses Todd Todd ta wd Todd you're gone i out Todd it and i out Todd it but i

guess i just did not Todd and that's the one that really matters that's the one that you got to know listen if you're gonna make if you're gonna win the six hundred dollars you got to do the whole trifecta you're all you are the soul Todd Viper um i recently okay so now i write and edit articles for a company that organizes conferences for video games many of the people in the industry i email use emoticons and emoji liberally as a former newsprint copy editor these confuse and frighten me picture of poopy there's this this could be a beehive what could be a beehive it's a brown maybe it's a beehive on the floor bees flying around it or maybe well you guys use max i use the pc i don't know what your resolution is it could be a beehive from where i'm sitting

okay i think it's poop though when should i use emojis and or emoji cons in professional emails and this is from a picture of a cat in a picture of the american flag or cat in america ah man i really want to say never but i don't feel like that's helpful i think it's all just comes down to like using the right emojis you i feel like you get this more than you let on because in this email you said i'm a former newsprint copy editor these confuse and frighten me and then you took a break from writing the email to go take a huge shit and that's why you put in this beehive emoji let me ask you is this a is this a matter of like level familiarity or is there a like hierarchy of like if you are someone's boss you can use emojis but if you're if you're like writing to your boss

you can't use emojis i don't think you should i've never used emojis do you a question question do you know how to use emojis do you know how to inject them into your missives i don't if i'm on the computer i don't know how to do that i know the teens love it on phones there's a whole keyboard for them uh i know that because my stupid fat thumb sometimes just brings up like uh ambulances just pictures of ambulances i guess is where i gotta communicate with now but you gotta look through them that's always for i wish i could just say like siri ambulance and just put an ambulance there that would be my stabbed ambulance i'm got the command siri ambulance is probably most effective as a way to make an ambulance emoji that is some that is some great prioritization on the siri ai

i just like the written word a little too much you know if it sometimes it can't get the message across dickens dickens didn't use emojis hemmingway didn't actually hemmingway loved emojis i don't know if you guys knew that lot a lot of wine bottle emojis going around that lot of bowls than dead bowls yeah a lot of um flaccid penises a lot of yeah i was trying to think of a more artful way of saying it but yes travis flaccid penises i mean there's gaps in the english language that we have to correct sometimes like people from the south get a lot of uh static for using the word y'all but what they're really trying to correct for is a lack of a differentiator in the plural form of you in the english language so y'all was created and then and it's a useful word to

have so i don't i think that emojis can sometimes help to fill a gap but what are you communicating with them i guess is what i'm saying in in 2015 what does using an emoji say about you i tell you what else it's good for is uh it's kind of the international language isn't it like it'll you can use this to to speak with anybody uh anywhere in the world and and it's good for like the the sort of concepts and and terminology that like doesn't exist between two different cultures right like if if if there's probably an emoji to sort of express the japanese idea of being very very uh hungry but also you've just seen a ghost and they have a word they have a word for that i'm having trouble uh recalling it um uh but we don't we don't have a word for you're very hungry but

you've just seen a ghost but then you use the i think the word you're looking for is boom mommy jesus pleases you made me so angry sometime uh do you guys want a yahoo yes uh sure let's try this one uh it was sent in by evan jones thorn thank you evan it's by yahoo answers user no name something went wrong gar uh man i almost said garfield i feel like i've used that one before for an anonymous one uh chelsea chelsea asks where is wizard hut where is wizard hut i can't find it and i'm trying to find it on phantage and i need to find it please where is i can't find it i can't find it and i'm trying to find it i'm trapped in some kind of hellscape dimension please help where am i oh god i miss my family where is wizard hut

where is wizard hut wizard hut is this a thing wizard hut don't ask the question where is it greet me the whole question one more time griffin where is wizard hut wait this four words and it's four words it's it's four here's the core subject where is wizard hut and then there's like 30 words of a person having a panic attack on the internet where is wizard hut i feel like chelsea said some kind of context in the sentence following where is wizard hut they're trying to find it on phantage which i i don't know phantage or phantage where is the wizard hut justin you're being awfully quiet where are you keeping the wizard hut where's the wizard hut justin are you now or have you ever been a wizard hut anytime you see a pizza hut that's not a pizza hut anymore

it has become a wizard hut they haven't arranged it where when a when a pizza hut shuts down which i don't think that has ever happened because man do we love our pizza uh but when one shuts down they have to sell it to a wizard they have actually had a sad string of pizza hut shutdowns in in here in um huntington we were where your big expansive pizza huts where you can really go in and stretch your legs and soak in the fucking ambiance and maybe treat yourself to a lunch buffet uh if you want to eat to kill you um you can't do that anymore uh they shut down the one on route 60 and they shut down the one on fifth avenue and they've con they've conglomerated on one that is i will i will be honest brilliantly located a mere stone's throw a mere 30 paces from

the uh uh fine arts department of martin university so it's like they are definitely servicing their core demo yeah i guess so so the thing in this way you guys have a surplus of wizards now don't think of it at every time god closes a pizza hut he opens a wizard hut that's what you gotta think about what is it about the the the pizza hut sort of building that makes it so ideal for wizard residents it's the tall pointy hat i guess that's a tall point hat reminds them of their hats also lots of space for ours it's also also sometimes they still have a pac-man and specific to wizards it's just it's nice it's good every pizza hut is built on the opening to another dimension that's where the flavor comes from yeah sure that's where they

summon oh mommy too the daniel sequel experience daniel's next hot next hot jam umami to umami i would love to see a sequel to the hit film camp nowhere where the kids took over the summer camp because they liked all their parents and guardians tell christopher loyne they paid to be an adult christopher loyne they paid to be an adult because that's who you would go to we need an adult but we can't find one just like walking around the street let's hire christopher loyne professional adult yes uh they did hire christopher loyne i want that but instead of kids taking over summer camp if you go over a pizza hut and and they can do all kind of while they would have to snatch it up pretty quickly to get in there before the wizard um start squatting wizard shows up goes

i'm pretty sure this is mine now no we got christopher loyne oh um sorry to have bothered you guys this is still this is still a pizza hut oh yeah well it looks like you've turned the z's backwards and there's a lot of teen skateboarding in here so i would like a sequel to the film heavy weights where they take over a pizza hut and the opening scene is just like well fuck yeah like not a closed pizza hut right but take over you mean they occupy militantly a pizza hut form their own sovereign nation it's just falling through the plain glass window is it possible that there is a sequel to camp nowhere and it's called accepted yeah i mean that is basically what that is it's college nowhere nowhere university but it would listen that was

when when we were all caught in justin long fever we had to get him in as many pictures as we can and i'm not complaining that was a super great time for our nation yeah i loved i loved those the complete works of justin long the meta narrative of the justin long canon it all happens in the same universe not a lot of people know that but you can draw a direct line between all of his movies starting a galaxy quest and ending at accepted well starting a galaxy quest and actually ending a galaxy quest too it's a it's a cycle it's a circular narrative it's weird that after his girlfriend got dragged to hell he would feel like getting back on a spaceship but but jeepers creepers he just wants to get out in there to space you know what i mean all right we've completely

lost the plot guys guys guys yeah the two of you griffin listen to me listen listen to me where is wizard hut well i've just joined fantage i've created my own avatar and let me explore okay live it's our first let's play okay it's our new let's play series called let's don't where travis plays fantage while we listen oh they want money okay i gotta get out of here pull the rib court get me out of here travis i need you to pull the the the chat channel where is this wizard hut we gotta this is a griffin i'm trying but everything's money it's all money it's all money all the way down oh god i can't get out i'm stuck in it like the slime and ghostbusters too leave me behind cut the cord i don't want to drag you guys in with me goodbye travis i'll miss travis

it's too bad we lost him in the matrix the fantage okay i am uh i am right now uh uh i'm sending a twitter message to fantage fans the official twitter channel of uh fantage to see if i can get a resolution to see this where is wizard hut question mark hut gate president obama president obama why aren't you answering the tough question i'm now asking potis when you're not always potis pat go to scotis because i there is wizard hut scotis i think you just chill for a bit because they just changed the whole game they're all just playing fantage they're all playing fans on this blog where is wizard hut okay anybody is there anybody else i should ask justin long yep maybe he knows i don't know his twitter oh it's justin long

where is wizard hut is there anybody else i could ask it do you know do you guys have anybody who would know where the wizard hut is oh i got it i got it i got it i got it don't even worry about it there you go tyson i'll let you guys know if i get any responses um i'm also gonna look for people asking me if my account was hacked by i by a the fantage militia nothing yet nothing right yet but i will keep you guys updated and we will stay on the line until we find the answer yes the first one of those six people to respond to me they will uh i'll pass that along to you all i'm not i don't think it'll be potis first but it might be i feel like you may have wasted your time because dip in dots one two three responded uh do you mean wizard's

domain because if it's wizard's domain it's in the forest over the bridge really yeah so who respond like what tweet did they to me did they respond yeah no no in the yahoo answer there's is like oh i was gonna say god i don't want to get on the fucking radar or the fantage legions uh in the forest over the bridge god we could have saved a lot of time if we just said that right up front man i wish i just read down a little bit well this has been another grand waste of time and we're sorry about it but we're not sorry that you chose to spend this hour with us it honestly means a lot to us so thank you so much for that and thank you to me undies uh where you can get the world's most comfortable underwear and save 20% by going to meundies.com slash my brother

you get 20% off in first order um i also want to thank nature box where you can order hundreds of great tasting healthy snacks go to naturebox.com slash my brother and you can sign up for a free sampler box with great tasting healthy snacks um we have some big news people oh speaking of great tasting healthy snacks some happy news we are having jeez do you want to take it you go no well i don't you negotiated the contract fiercely i guess i did uh we're doing our first ever sponsored episode of my brother my brother of me um and you say sponsored episode and that people interpret that immediately negatively i feel like this is gonna this is it's a celebration a celebration of cross-promotional content the synergy is palpable synergy of us connecting

with the titinos brand so we're gonna do a bonus episode of my brother my brother me you'll get it right here on this this fine rss channel wherever fine podcasts are sold where we're just gonna talk about tatinos and do you need advice do you need titinos advice either in terms of preparation maybe somebody stole your titinos maybe what's the proper totino's dish to be served at various fancy events that's a good thing and maybe you're maybe you're sitting shiva what's what do you what do you what do you prepare for that i don't know have you had a great experience with the titino's brand that you just want to share you let us know you it's as much your episode as it is ours live on but it's but it is 100 which is to say zero because it's completely owned by

totino it is a totino's episode and do not send us any questions that are in the region of pizza without like living exclusively in the country of totino's we are only talking about totino's branded family of products live on the air live on the air i'm gonna take every totino's product and combine it into one cannonball of flavor and i'm gonna consume all of that and give it a live review it's gonna be a non-stop thrill ride so if you send us an email about making your own pizza from scratch at home i will delete your email account remotely you're dead you're dead to us pizzaly speaking we want you to tweet hashtag mb mbam totino's you can email us with totino's in the subject line and whatever you do please follow and tweet at totino's uh we're also doing

some live shows bit.o iford slash mb mbam seattle bit.o iford slash van mb mbam it's gonna be the last weekend in august we're coming to the pacific northwest and we would love love love to see you please come out to those shows uh and because when you come out to any show you're helping us to do more stuff and more shows and and and we really appreciate it so please go to those two links buy tickets to all those shows come or don't come at that point i don't care no but please do i mean go ahead and come if you want but just the main thing is to definitely buy it oh yeah um i want to thank john rogerick and the long winters for the use for a theme song instead of part your off the album putting the days to bed it's everyone owns that album at this point

right like everybody has it and it's like the best selling number one album in america and the uk right they distribute it like samples of tide right like it's gotta be anyway go get that album it's great uh i also want to say i'm so glad it's back just i've been loving the new episodes things i bought at sheets the hit video series on youtube starring jesson and twight slappy so good so good sheets with a z by the way if you're having trouble finding it you got some merch now too right i bought a shirt it's on its way i'm very excited about did you really hell yeah dude thank you i really appreciate the support i wasn't to support you is to support my body i'm trying to look good out there yeah i why appreciate it out of the way uh do you want to plug travis's show

since you just did yours uh yeah trends like these is a hot new uh show about internet trends from travis mackerel and my brother and brentel floss who isn't my brother but is a very funny person and it's a great show that you will very much enjoy if you go subscribe to it on itunes or anywhere else um and along with all of that other content what you really need to do is go to my content you make a sound a couple brand wizards listen along with all those brand magics you should go listen to all the other shows on maximum fun there's they're all great um i guarantee there is not a show on the network that i do not listen to that i do not love so go listen go to maximumfun.org and check out all the other shows also go check out uh brian and lindsay will totally

eat that maximum funds video series it's excellent we've got a bunch of new max fund merch including saubone shirts uh the show that jesson and sydney do um it's maxfundstore.com there's also tons of my brother my brother and me merch there so go check that out all right that's good difference griffin last yahoo let me hit it this one was sent in by level 9000 yadru drew drew drew davenport thank you drew it's by yadru answers user butthead who asks would you buy a marble sculpture of bart simpson if money wasn't an issue just a macaroy i'm trying with the macaroy i'm using the macaroy this has been my brother my brother me kiss your dad's school here on the lips maximumfund.org comedy and culture artist owned listener supported i'm jessie thorn

i'm jordan morris the federal government has millions of dollars in programs and opportunities that you need to seize today you're a taxpayer right well then you've got it coming thanks to uncle sam you can get grant programs for veterans postage stamps that'll ensure your mail gets there in a timely fashion fruit for you and your family child care for your children that turns them into super soldiers get a million dollars to open your own lake useful power tools that are easy on your soft delicate hands your own personal radioactive brick more sexual attention from everyone at the used bookstore greyhound tickets soft gentle kisses from tv's john goodman a real narwhal athletic sucks filled with stew a valuable pamphlet on millet your father's approval don't wait

right now for all of this and more drop us a line jordan jessie go 123 itunes street or wherever you download podcasts