My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 259: Birthday Surprise Hole

Episode Date: July 6, 2015

So, look. Here's the thing. We prepped all our questions for this episode, but about 10 minutes in, we realized that we just weren't going to do them. So, in this bizarre installment of MBMBaM, we share advice that we wish we could have given our past selves -- important instructions like: Hey, put that bottle of frosted tip gel down. Put it in the garbage, actually. Suggested talking points: Cold Showers, Exotic Salsas, Video Toasters, Minkus Khan, Safety Patrol, The Pub, Vintage Cocaine, Balls Out United, Peer-Reviewed Bacon, Credit Card Collapse, On Frosted Tips, The Worst Birthday Present of All Time

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hey everybody, welcome to my brother, me and invited you for the Modronero. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your minimalist brother, Travis McElroy. It's me, the sweet baby brother, Griffin McElroy. I am so sorry that I was late recording the podcast. Like 20 minutes late, 40 minutes combined between me and Travis.

Yeah, wasted. That's 40 minutes of our life. We won't get back. What could we have done with that 40 minutes? Knowing you, you were probably watching old episodes of Sister Sister on Hulu or something. I'll have you know, I was eating cold fried chicken over my kitchen sink like a monster. And I was watching old episodes of Sister Sister on HBO Go. I was taking a cold shower. That's my new thing. If you haven't tried it, I would highly recommend it. Very bracing, very good for the heart, the creativity. I do that as well. It's also very good for your skin and for your skin. Why don't you start that, Trav? I started about eight months ago. Yeah. Do you only take cold showers? Well, what I do is I start off warm and then turn the temperature

down. You do that James Bond shower. Do that James Bond shower. That's correct, Griffin. Are you trying to get rid of some hard-ons? You two just got chronic hard-ons for you trying to squash? I do, but it's not connected. It's actually, I think an old wives' tale that taking the cold shower increases one's sexual potency. No, it can't and it won't. It does. It gives you better boners because it freezes them in place. And it freezes the blood in there? It freezes the blood and your boner sickle. This is the worst introduction we've ever done. Because we're just talking about frozen boners. This was your idea, Griffin. You were curious about the cold shower lifestyle that Trav Snyder living. And I'm here to tell you, almost every day you switch it to

cold. I get in at like lukewarm and then I just go full cold shower the whole time. It feels, at first it feels like you're going to die. I'm dying, but then it's like I'm alive. You come through a hole. You live in that pain. You just exist in it. And then you can't feel it anymore. But how do the ghosts talk to you? Sorry, what? How do you, oh sorry, not talk, but how do the ghosts get messages to you? Oh, without the steamy mirror. I got you. The mirror gets steamy from the hot shower and then the ghost is like, hey, Griffin, have a good day. Love your grandpa. Love your, sorry, it's not denoting who it's from. Love your grandpa. By the way, we're out of salsa. Can you pick some up? Love your wife, Rachel. I want you to do two things for me today. I need

you to run to HEB. I need you to get some salsa, preferably the mild variety and also go love your grandpa. Ooh, it's me, your wife. I can't believe your wife was grandpa ghost catfishing you the whole time. You misunderstand. She just wants me to love my grandpa. Okay. And also to go get some salsa because we are plum out. Are you completely out of salsa? You have like the dregs at the bottom, but nobody really wants the dregs because there's like one tomato chunk in there. No, it's not. I'm not worried about the tomato chunks. I'm worried about the tostido residuals. There's one sad chip in there that's just been marooned from his fork. Here's the other thing about salsa. Yeah. But seriously, I do want to say one other thing about salsa.

Don't you guys hate it when you see a jar of flavored salsa, like some sort of exotic salsa, like maybe a mango habanero salsa? You think, oh my God, that's going to be great. And you eat it and you're like, well, that was good. But now I've condemned myself to this salsa for you just want your buds went just like normal salsa. That's only a party salsa, Justin, because you're basically tasking your group of friends to take on the beast with you. Yeah, right. I don't want to go this alone. Yeah, sure. Yeah, it's a Sunday. You just got out of church and you're just looking for a sensible dip. And all that you've got is a sweet salsa. And on Saturday night, and it's party time, that's what you want. Let me hit you guys with this.

As long as we're talking about salsa, one last sort of salsa avenue I want to take us down. Hop in your rowboats through the lovely avenues of Salsa Venice, where the alleyways are just salsa, salsa Greeks. And we're going to go on a salsa trip together. How about this salsa idea that I've just come up with individual salsa packets, like ketchup packets, but it's just a little bit of salsa in there. And then you can have whatever kind of fun flavors you want in there. Are you talking like a little ramekin size or just like literally like a little pouch? A little pouch. I think they have those. They're at Taco Bell and you can take as many as you want. Oh, that's salsa in there, idiot? Well, I mean, it's more like taco sauce.

Yeah, it's more like taco sauce. Yeah, it's a completely different thing. I'm drinking a tall glass of salsa right here. I mean, it's actually more like water. You can't just call things salsa. You can't just call things other things. I'm talking, this is an original idea. You've made me so upset and we haven't even started the show. I used to think that the thing about, you always think fresh salsa, you're going to make it homemade, right? You're going to put it in the bullet. I have never thought this. I've never thought that once in my life. You're going to think it's going to be so good, get it homemade and then you just make salsa at home. It just tastes like garbage.

Yeah, it's really bad. It's like a slurry of shitty vegetables and like, oh, this is from my garden. Really? Because it tastes like trash. It's almost like there should be a professional version of it you could pay money for that somebody who knows better than you made. Yeah. I recreate other things in my home. Right. I have brought other things into my home that I've tasted in the outside world that I've enjoyed. Today, I tried toot. This is not a joke. I tried two different preparations of candied bacon because I'm trying to find the one that works best for me and my family. And I am here to tell you the results are private, but...

Well, you're still trying to get funding. You don't want to release the results too quickly or else no one's going to pay for this. Hey guys, this last we're talking about salsa. Did I ever tell you about the time that I was in my high school TV news class and I say news, but it was really just like fun, fun vids for kids. And I'm trying to make a cooking show using the condiment station at Huntington High School and that involved... There's one episode where I did try to make salsa using like packets of hot sauce and banana peppers and tomatoes and lettuce. I didn't have a whole lot going on. I didn't have like a lot to work with. And can I tell you that I failed and what I created is unspeakable.

Now you have IBS. When I was in my TV production class in high school, I was not well liked at all. Everyone thought I was like nobody liked me in my TV production class, which was not a rarity in high school, but it was really pronounced that TV production class was just somewhere I thought I would fit in pretty well. But the whole class was run by just like jackbooted hillbilly thugs. And one day I looked in the TV monitor and I saw that they had trained a camera on me and written at the bottom of the TV monitor, Justin is a homosexual. I was upset not to be called a homosexual. That's fine. That's their prerogative. But at the bottom of I didn't know how to make words come up on the screen. So I didn't even know that was something

we could do in class. So I was upset about that because they had a much like I thought that my superiority intellectually would carry me, but I didn't even have that to hold over them anymore because they had all these advanced video toaster techniques that I was not privy to. Sure. Did they actually use those words or was it more colorful? No, that's the weird thing about it. It was like a weirdly clinical. Like, yeah, it was like if one was making a nature documentary. On the sexuality spectrum, Justin lands closer to the homosexual side of things. Observe him in his natural habitat, which is getting bullied in high school.

Do you guys just want to wrap this whole time? We've gone like nine minutes now without doing a question. Yeah, let's keep going. What did that remind you guys of? High school when I did a hard hitting expose in my high school TV media class about why the third lunch period always ran out of turkey clubs. And when I was doing it, I fucking felt like I was cracking this case wide open. And then the lunch lady informed me that it was because they were very popular. So everybody ate them during the first two lunch periods. And after that, she always held a turkey club for me that I could eat. She would hide it under the table and then give it to me during third lunch period. And I appreciate that. Thank you very much.

I did a hard hitting expose one day. We all got pedometers in high school and then whoever reacted like the highest count over the course of a week got a bike. But there were some kids that would just like sit in class and shake their pedometers to get that number going. So I did a hard hitting expose on pedometer shaking, but it did evolve into just a bunch of jerk-off gags. Like a bunch of jerk-off gags. One day when I was in media production in middle school, we had a weekly news program for all of Kamak. I think it was WCMS was the name of the show because it was Kamak Middle School and it was the show. And I did some, I used to do top 10 lists as sort of a comedy segment on WCMS. Excellent. I don't know if you guys have heard about these

top 10 lists, but they were, I guess, kind of ahead of the, maybe ahead of the curve. Maybe I wasn't targeting my audience very well. Maybe it was a little too adult to grown up, but I eventually was, this is, I was fired nice from doing top 10 lists because they told me that they didn't want to do them anymore. And the next week I'm sitting in class watching WCMS. And what do I see? John Fraley on the screen doing a top 10 list, stealing my bit I stole from David Letterman and just doing it like here are some, and they were like, it was all fart gags. There was no nuance, nothing. Now Griffin, did you get to do kids mag or was that just Justin and I? No, I didn't get to do it. I was not invited on the air. I think they knew that

I was, my material was a little bit too raw. Kids Mag was a local kids news program that was shown, I think, Saturday mornings, Sunday mornings on WLWK. It's great because I'm really glad that there's filmed evidence of what a giant, giant, holy shit, what a dingus. Oh God, man. A minkus, I would say. I was a solid minkus. You were minkus con. They had to pay Travis for his life rights to minkus. They didn't want a lawsuit on their hands, so they actually paid him a nominal fee to be able to use the character minkus in Boy Meets World. I just picture mom and dad looking at me while I was watching Boy Meets World and they were like, he's pretty close, but we could get closer. And then they like took a picture of minkus and said, give us these glasses and this haircut

and whatever shirts you can find that kind of look like this and then put them on the air. Let's do our thing. No, absolutely not. I refuse. I spent like a half hour looking up Yahoo's, by which I mean going through our Gmail and picking my favorite Yahoo's. And I don't want that work to be for not. I already had 20 minutes wasted for me today. Use them next week. They'll keep. I feel like people are going to get angry if we don't do advice. I'm showing not telling. I'm showing through my life experience. How to live. How to live. Okay, so what have we said? What have we said so far that's been actual? Take cold showers. Don't be a minkus. Take cold showers. Invent individually wrapped salsa packets.

Don't be a minkus, Travis, because you were happy. You were a happy kid. You know, my one regret, Griffin, I didn't embrace it. I was a very smart kid. I was in the advanced programs, but I wanted to be cool. And I was so worried about that that I didn't just like go on to be a very rich doctor or lawyer or engineer or scientist. Isn't it funny how like I don't think I was a smart kid. I think I was really, really good at taking tests. And like whenever I talk about like now that I'm an adult and I talk about being in the tag classes and the talented and gifted classes and I brag, I'm bragging. But really, I know in my heart of hearts that I just really was psyched to like twice a week play Island of

the Zumbinis. Yeah. Do a math blaster. Do some math blaster. And I did great at math blaster. Again, I do not think I was especially smart. I think I was just like dope at video games. And I, I didn't, I refused. I was, I was defiant against learning anything from the Island of the Zumbinis. They were trying to teach me problem solving skills, trying to teach me logic reasoning morals. And I said, thank you Zumbinis for the lessons, but I will ignore those. I'm just trying to get a high score because I'm a number one 100% gamer. I remember we built a toothpick bridges. We did some cocaine like balancing scale. I built a toothpick version of Jeff Bridges and he was my boyfriend for a while. Here's the thing. When I, when I described the

tag class to people, people often don't believe me that I got into it because of how especially smart I was because when I described, well, we would lay in like a pillow thing and read. And the kids here. Yeah. And then we would, we would play math blaster and people were like, and this was for especially smart kids. I think the more I think about tag, the tag classes we're in, do we explain that means taught and gifted a big tag? That's the answer. Not smart, not smart. Listen to the words. Not smart, talented and gifted. If it could have been called euphemism and euphemism. I think, I think really that where I think about it, it was more of like a wedgie quarantine.

Like these kids, these kids are not going to survive. They are not going to live to middle school and we can't lose another one. We have to cordon them off to keep them from the rest of the kids just so they are not nuclear wedgie. Yeah. I was going to talented and gifted classes. It was like Tuesday and Thursday and on Wednesday I was going to speech therapy. So really just like I was leaving class three out of five days of the week to go be weird. Who's that kid? I don't know. He comes around sometimes. I think he's a ghost. I think he's a makers. Should we bully him? Let's get to it tomorrow. Oops, that's your mistake. You may have to catch him on Monday and Friday.

Got to promise me you'll remember this time, guys. You have to remember this time we'll bully. They would try to bully me. I'd be like, hold please, sirs, before you try to bully me a riddle. You have one sheep, one sack of grain and one wolf and only two rafts to get them. Oh, no, you're bullying me. It's happening. I'm being bullied right now. Didn't even want to take a static crack at it, huh? But then by fifth grade, we were all on safety patrol and that's where you wheeled the true power. Right. Everybody respects that. A safety gun.

I got fired. I got fired from safety patrol. I was the loose cannon. What did you do? I got too many demerits. I mouthed off the teachers. What? What? No, you didn't. I did. I was late to like a shit. It was like my third demerit and I was late to get out to the corner and the teacher was like, you were late. And I was like, I don't think I was. And that was my third demerit. And I got kicked off. I had to turn in my badge and sash. I really liked the flag part of safety patrol. That's where you help people cross the street. And did every school have safety patrol and fire patrol?

I don't know. I don't know if they did or not. I'm just going to assume that they did. And I had a big flag that I would use to help kids cross the street. But really it was a bow staff like Donatello had in the teenage turtles. And I would I was flailing around and do all kinds of stick and stick like stunts with it. And I realize now as a 28 year old man that maybe I just wanted to be in flag core, but I also wanted a badge and they don't give you those in flag core. I know there's no badges. I also think that now most of that safety stuff is done by adults because somebody realized that what they were doing is putting the lives of children

into the hands of children and then sending the children with sashes to stand in the middle of the street. Yeah. Yeah. Can you imagine like that? Like they're children. Like they're still chill. You're giving the children the power to stop cars. Like what are you doing? All right. Eight year old Steven, you got this, right? Like you can barely tie your shoes, but you can like decide when is it safe, right? Okay. Have fun. I remember the one time that this this girl walked around my flag. She didn't respect her. She didn't respect the staff or the badge. She just walked around and I tried to stop her and I couldn't. And that's when I realized that authority is meaningless.

It's all an illusion, Justin. It's all an illusion. You can build your own bridges. You know, she taught me a powerful lesson that day. Your own Jeff Bridges to be your boyfriend. So you guys are on safety patrol and fire patrol. Do you guys remember in safety patrol, there being a rush on the really good flag staff? Oh, yeah. Oh, for sure. I remember we had some that were like real kind of crummy and threadbare. They were like frayed on the end too. Yeah. Yeah. And I was always afraid to get those because I thought I'd break it accidentally and that's a big demerit. Was it bamboo? It was bamboo. Yeah. It was like bamboo staffs that they attached flags to.

With a blade on the end of crude bronze blade. I will. I also say, I want to say it was Ms. Wilson was the head teacher of safety patrol to her credit. Even though I was kicked off of safety patrol, I was still allowed to attend the of the yearly event at Camden Park celebrating all the safety. I was just shows up, but beard all grizzled, fucking Hawaiian shirt, half a button, like a ring of cocaine still around his head. You guys still patrolling? You know, I still got it. I could patrol right now. No. She went down at Camden Park and all the other safety control kids were rounded up and I was left as like the rogue guy because they were like, he's not in safety patrol. Even me have a sash, but I still had all the wear with all. Yeah. I fucking I saved all

swimming through the log flume like popping up, slitting a dude's throat or safely escorting him through traffic. Yeah. One of those two things. Their whole plan hinged on running through traffic and luckily there was one man there able to stop him. I was captain of the fire patrol one year. Got whoa. Yeah, I got a lot of puts. I was talking about getting fired from the patrol and it reminded me of one of the two times I've ever been fired at a job. One, of course, was because I stole a copy of Fight Club and got fired from Blockbuster. I made it. Among other things, among other things, showgirls, the VHS tape. No, it didn't. I had Tommy read while we were on vacation. He taped that off of HBO for me. I didn't need to get that.

You had that. God, this is the second time that we've had to do this intervention on the show before it had a Blockbuster video box. I found your stash. I got a better. I got a better copy later, but that was like, I didn't need it. So I got fired from. Do you guys know I got fired at the pub? I used to be, you know how I'm always telling jokes and doing like jacaneery and stuff? Well, well, that job, that, that proclivity for entertainment got, it got me a job at the pub, family fun center as a weekly, a weeknight DJ on Fridays and Saturday nights. I'd be the one up there spitting CDs and playing everybody's hits from the 50s, 60s, 70s and today. And I, they constantly wanted me to add new stunts, new like tricks and stunts to my repertoire

where people were trying to eat some fucking pizza. Yeah, devil's devil sticks. Yeah, they wanted me to. Yeah. The guy named Chad that I replaced, he later came back, he got a job at Circassie. He like was so he had it like a way with it. I don't know how he was able to do it, but I think he turned it up really loud. And sometimes he would light some, he would light the table on fire. I remember that. That was like a cool trick. That brings the people in. I got demoted from that position. They like called me in. They were like, would you consider doing some extra stunts? Like maybe trying to get people to do the YMCA or maybe bring in a suit and do a Blues Brothers performance with somebody else. And I said,

no, no, no, no, no, no, not, not, not, not, not, not, not. No, what a crazy thing to ask. What a, what a crazy thing that you were working in the arcade. You were like ticket exchange. No, I got demoted to that. That's what happened. You were, you were front room. You were at the big show. I was in the big show and then I had to watch the big show while I fucking unjammed a token out of the, the sunset riders machine. Sure. They moved you from the place where you did not belong to the place where you absolutely belonged. Because maybe I just loved that job for you because one time me and Alex White rolled up, we're like, Hey, we're going to beat this Sega underwater shooter game. And it would otherwise it would cost you $130 in quarters

to do that. And you're like, let me show you a special switch. And you show this special switch when you played it all day long. It was the best day of my life. So still or to that day? No, still, still. Sorry, Rachel. Yeah, I liked working back in the arcade. That was a good gig. Do you ever steal shit? What? Do you ever steal shit? One, one, one, I'm going to steal, I'm going to jeopardize my job so I can take home 30 wacky wall gummy crawlers. Not really one of those pencil toppers. Let me say that. You work at an establishment where you sell things that you like and you steal from it and it's great because now you have the things that you like, right? The arcade, there's not a lot of stuff that you like there. Unless

you steal like a like an arcade game. Well, yes, if you can, if you can get the sunset riders into your car, then it was never the pubs to begin with. It was just waiting for you. Right. But what I'm saying is it's less about what you like and more about like sort of the, you steal the fog machine, right? You steal the disco ball. That's 30,000 tickets. That's so like the, the, the fiscal sense that that makes, right? Like, you know, you're stealing a 30,000 ticket item. I'm not saying you steal a bunch of Tootsie rolls for five tickets, pop. I'm saying you steal the bike for 200,000 tickets. Right. And you know that, like, there's no way anybody would ever get that thing. And so like the, I don't know,

I think I would find that just deeply, deeply rewarding. But that stuff was always there. That's like, that's like why I couldn't steal the bike. The bike was like part of the decoration. I think it had a fucking chip's logo on it. Like if you move the bike, the paint underneath was a different color. Right. Absolutely. Like you couldn't take the bike. Everybody would notice that. Did you work at tilt too? Or am I dreaming? No, no, no, I didn't work until I applied to tilt, but didn't make that. But you know what? Considering sort of financially what became of Arcade specifically to which is not a Primitives store at the mall. That was probably. Do you know I live around the corner from a Primitives? I could spit on a Primitives. Let me,

I could open up my window right now and spit on a Primitives. I wouldn't think Austin would be like a hotspot for Primitives. Wait, what is Primitives? They sell a lot of things made of Calhide. For us, it's like, I don't know, sort of a fake pioneer. Like if all the pioneers had like unlimited. Oh, interesting. So a bunch of like corn husk dolls and that kind of thing. Maybe some whisk brooms. See, for our Primitives, it sells just a lot of things made out of Calhide. A lot of reclaimed wood, a lot of like things that you would see in a wealthier person that maybe lives up in the hills, but they still want to like keep it real. So they have like a few wooden Native Americans. Oh, see, so like here in Los Angeles, it would be like old film reels and like really

vintage cocaine. Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's hard too, because it sticks together and you just get the rocks of it. I mean, yeah, at that point, it's more of a show piece than a practical thing, unless, you know, you get really late at night and all the other cocaine is run out and then you're like, well, and that's when you like, you crack open your cancer of cocaine. You dig through your fridge and like, there's got to be some cocaine in here somewhere. And then you just cut away the moldy part of the cocaine and it's still good. It's still good, man. Still that booger sugar is still going to get you feeling so right. Get in the pool. Hey, get in the pool. Did you guys ever do cocaine? No.

No. I don't think that's like a crazy question. Someone out there is doing cocaine. Hey, hey, someone's got to be doing it, right? We're talking about it. Someone's got to be doing it. Somebody's going to win. I remember in college, fighting out their girlfriend of mine had done cocaine at her senior prom and it like drastically changed my opinion of her like in a split second where I went, oh, and like the I was 21 at the time and the thought that flashed in my head was, I think she's too hardcore for me because she had done cocaine once. I was a babe. I have been places, I have lived places where cocaine was enjoyed irresponsibly, right? Basically every night and one time me and my roommate took a blockbuster DVD back

for one of said enjoyers doing just doing a quickie favor and ran it to the blockbuster and when the guy opened it up to make sure the disc was in there, a very small bag of cocaine fell out. Let me grab that. To my roommate's credit, it was like a three-card Monty dealer like that level of subtlety. You just like put his hand on the put his hand like no late fees, but like when he sat down, there's some cocaine underneath it. My friends, Nick and Rusty, who are the guys hung out in college, they took me under their wing and they did a lot of cocaine. Maybe not cocaine, but definitely a lot of weed. I remember they had drugs. Well, those aren't and drugs were had. No, I know, but I needed a way into talking

about Nick Rusty because the fun thing about hanging out with those cats is I literally hung out with them every single day. It was like the first place I hung out that wasn't my parents. You know what I mean? Like I would be there constantly after school and they smoked weed every single day and I never did. But it was a very weird position to be in because every day was the same routine of like, well, let's go rent Jekyll and Hyde together again from blockbuster and get some of those pepperoni pan pizzas from the Super America. And I would like, this is a good day for you guys. You're enjoying, you're having a fun day today. I was more of like a weed mascot, I think. But then I began to question, like, am I maybe, I'm not high,

but they do have me around every time. And every time they also eat pepperoni pizza from the Super America and also rent Jekyll and Hyde together again. So maybe am I part of the essential weed? Like, am I the Doritos of people? You're the Doritos of dudes. I mean, that's the only way they could, maybe they only liked me when they were hot. I don't, I don't know exactly what. No, no, no, no. Everybody likes pepperoni pizza all the time. Right. You just like it more when you're high. It heightened the experience of hanging out with me. You could really get every sense of the Justin McRoy. We actually, oh, I actually helped to fund a drug dealing operation. They wanted to get into selling weed. This was at Rusty as a friend of his, whose name

escapes me, but he wanted to get into selling weed. Huba stank, his name is Huba stank. His name was Huba stank. And I gave him, I gave him some money on the promise that my investment of money would be returned to me because he would purchase holy weed and then sell it to me and then give me back more money than I had given him. Are you just now realizing like the, the, the repercussions for your actions Heisenberg or way past the what's it called statute of limitations statute of limitations on this. And I'm joking. It's a podcast. But the did you get the money back? Don't leave me on pins and needles. What? Yeah. I made like $10. So worth it. So what you're saying is selling drugs. Good way to go.

Pays off. Well, no, not selling drugs. I never saw the product. Just, I just being a venture capitalist in the drug world. Yes. You weren't, you weren't Heisenberg. You were Gus Fring. You're like, I was at the top of the, you were in charge of the, the whole thing. And at the top of the, at the top of the ladder, Justin King pan macro. Yeah. Can I ask what your name? You're like cool, like drug guy. I had an, I didn't have a drug guy name, but we did have a name for our, our corporation was called balls out united. Come on. I was in college. What do you want? So you really were in business with, with Hubert J. Stankington. It was easy money. Here's what I will say about selling drugs. No, here's what I will say about funding drug sales. It's

easy money. 10, not 10 of them. It's 10, it's easy 10 money units. You know, people say like every time you buy drugs, you're also helping to fund terrorism because of their whole thing. But keep in mind that by, by Joe's, you might just be helping me to buy that one last Marvel Legends action figure I needed to complete the robot that had like one piece of his body in each package. Remember that? Yeah, I do. I'm sorry. I'm just like, I guess I'm like disappointed in you. Well, I mean, I'm kind of disappointed too because I can retrospect that's pretty heavy, but at the time it seemed like a very accessible way. Can I ask him what you put in? Uh, yeah, like $75. It was not a major investment. Were you, wait, were you the sole investor or did you have

like a 10%? Yeah, I was the, I was the money man. If you, let me put it this way, if you're trying to bust this guy and your plan was follow the money. This is just in quarters. Does he work at an arcade? What the fuck? Yeah. Why are there a pub, pizza, family, fun center tokens in here? If you follow the money, it would have led to me. You would have thought that I was the kingpin of this organization. It would have been just like two Polaroids on a corkboard with just like one line between us. Justin, can I say how much money I would pay for a just interrogation video of 19 year old Justin McRoy with like two cops with like a bright light shining in his face? It's all I want. With his frosted tips. Sorry, I've been waiting for

an opportunity to talk to you about your frosted tips. They would have dropped a bag of weed on the table and said, so does this look familiar? And I could have looked at the, I'd say, I do not know what that is. They said, and he said, this is $75 worth of weed because it's 1936. What if they, they could have, they could have literally put like construction paper, leaves of marijuana in a pile on the table and they would said, does this look familiar? And I would have not literally not known if they were messing with me or not. Is this what weed is? I have no idea. I'm just the money man. Speaking of money. Do we deserve money for not doing advice? Yep. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. We get, we get our money

no matter what. We need to buy and sell weed. Yeah. My brother, my brother, me is supported in part by Harry's.com, which offers high quality shave, better for your face and better for your wallet. I'm a huge fan of Harry's products. They make great razors. I love their aftershave. They're they have an aftershave lotion that I, I adore. I love their before shave. The pre shave. I love the during shave lotion that you're doing with your left hand while you're shaving with your right. Yeah. It's next level shave maneuvers. You don't want to do this if it's your first time shaving. It's like you're patching, it's like you're patching drywall. Yeah. The wall is your face. I like the intra shave lotion, which is between two shaves when you think I really should shave.

You need to calm down a little bit and not shave. That's a great lotion. I like the anti-shave lotion and you put it on your face and it's like the Santa Claus movie. Your hair just grows right back. Hey listeners who join me on Periscope. Thank you so much. I'm just going to go ahead and cover this one outright. People would keep asking, how did I grow my beard? Just didn't shave it. Just don't shave it. Just stop shaving. But you do want to shave and Harry's is going to help you do that with a $15 starter set that includes a razor foaming shaved gel or shave cream and three razor blades plus free shipping. $15. That's a great deal, but we're going to make it even better. If you go to harrys.com and use the coupon code my brother, use the code my brother, all one word,

you can save $5 off that starter set. And too often, a lot of shave stuff is always marketed like directly towards men, which is a mistake. I think that Harry's is good for everybody. Anybody will like using Harry's. It's an excellent quality razor where you get really reasonably priced blades. Theresa uses it. She loves it. So that that code again, my brother go to harrys.com, use the coupon code my brother and save $5 off of that starter set. Travis, who's our next boxer? Oh, that would be a little company called Squarespace. Squarespace is a gigantic company. Griffin, I was doing, it was ironic. My brother, my brother, me is brought to you in part by Squarespace, the all in one website platform. At this point, is there anybody who like,

what's the Venn diagram of people who listen to podcasts, but don't know what Squarespace is? I mean, there's only one website on the internet that doesn't use Squarespace, and it's the Space Jam website. That's still in operation after all these years. Can you please just talk about Squarespace sites look professionally designed regardless of your skill level with no coding required. You can start your free trial site today with no credit card at Squarespace.com. Use the offer code my brother all one word and you'll get 10% off your first purchase. Squarespace, build it beautiful. You know, I use Squarespace to design this week, actually use Squarespace to make a website for things I bought at Sheets, which you can find

Sheets with a Z show.com. And I designed that with Squarespace and it look, it doesn't look very, very good, but it looks okay. It looks better than it deserves. It looks better than it deserves. And I only spent an hour on it. Like if I spent a little bit more time, I could make it look really good. But like Squarespace, they really make it easy for you to make a website. And that was, don't, don't use Sheetshow.com as like your, your, your meter for how all Squarespace sites now should look. But I did that very quickly, which is a compliment to Squarespace. So go to Squarespace.com and use the coupon code my brother all one word. I got my things I bought a Sheets shirt in today or yesterday.

Pixar didn't happen. I mean, I got it in and it's a nice shirt and it looks nice and I like the design. It has a very bad smell and I don't know what the reason is for that, but I'm excited to watch it. Sure is scented like a Sheets. She smells great. Don't be an idiot. I got a message for Susan as from Grant. Message is this, it reads thusly, Dear Susan, happy anniversary. Wherever the brothers decide it should happen. I'd like to take this opportunity to pay the Macroys to say nice things about you. For example, they could compliment you on your blossoming video game skills. Your girls show prowess or promise you they'd never lose you in a department store. Alan Z.

I want to compliment you on your blossoming video game skills, but that feels like a weird like girl. You'll be a woman soon. It's the word blossoming. Yeah. Blossoming creeps me out. Burgeoning. Your burgeoning video game skills. Your development. Nope. Nope. Wrong. You're flowering. Nope. Nope. Can't. You're wrong. Your cycle. Happy anniversary, Susan. Travis, tell me about this next message. Can I read a message? Yes. This message is for Tyler and it's from Snugglebeard. Snugglebeard says to Tyler, since we have to check Facebook to learn our anniversary, I figured our favorite brotherly trio's timely method of message delivery wouldn't be too problematic. I love you, my paycheck in a jockstrap. Wait, let me try that again. I love you,

my paycheck in a jockstrap. I can't wait until all the jokes about you leaving me because I'm too old come true. Now please take your dishes to the sink. Ooh, Tyler, that's no joke. Oh, Tyler busted. Tyler, you leave those dishes out. You're going to get dried Captain Crunch on the side of the bowl. That's never coming. Also, Snugglebeard is not even asking you to put them in the dishwasher. Take them to the sink. Just take them to the sink. That's nothing. That's purgatory. That's dishes purgatory. Happy anniversary, you two. Hey, you like t-shirts, right? How about a mug? Are your walls looking a little bare? Visit maxfunstore.com and cover all of these bases and more. We just added some amazing new shirts and posters. So visit today and outfit your home and

torso with the freshest Maxfun merch, maxfunstore.com. Speaking of dishes, I made that candied bacon on a cookie sheet. I made it on a rack, on a cookie cooling rack, on top of a drying sheet to let the grease drip off and let the candying process take place. And I stupidly put the pan into the sink when I was done, ranked water on it, fucking instantly, instantly new. Well, I'm throwing this out. This is going to the trash. I need to buy a new cookie sheet today. It's completely gone. Completely destroyed. We'll never get it off. It was a big grease. It was great. No, it's not just grease. Grease I could work with, but the candy. The candy mixed with the grease crystallized and it was just seized onto it. It's never coming off.

Justin, I want to get into this candy. Were you doing like a brown sugar or like a praline thing? Oh, this isn't going to be funny. No, this is a serious. It doesn't always have to be funny. No, but it does. It does. It does. It does. In iTunes, whenever you click my brother, my brother, and me, it shows up under the comedy tab, not under the cooking tips. It can be 96% comedy. No, I can't. Just real brother talk. I can't. We've done, no, I can't. This won't even be real brother talk. Listen, I'm not going to care. We can talk about, we can talk about this. I'm just not going to care very much about this. Is this in the show? I can't tell if this is in the show.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. Always is in the show. Listen, listen. Hey, hey, this is our Outback Steakhouse episode. No fucking rules. Just right. I'm not going to care talking about candy bacon and the people listening aren't going to care. And then certainly. Why don't you care? Like when you care if you made it and you enjoyed it? Yeah, but if you made it for you, if someone gave it to you as a present. Okay, but I'm not going, I'm going to get on all recipes and look up the right way to do it. No, here's what I'm telling you. You can't just say a bunch of whole shit and expect to get away with it. The thing I'm telling you about candy bacon is that literally 80% of the recipes you

read on the Internet about candy bacon are a fucking lie. They will make something that is utterly inedible that you cannot consume. It's garbage. I got a recipe from a judge on chopped and I tried her candy bacon and it was a nightmare. Which one? Which one? Which judge? Alex. Alex. See, she knows what she's talking about. I would actually trust her more than I would trust you. Not just about cooking about, you know, but Justin's the man on the street. He's been in the shit. He isn't the general directing it from his ivory tower. Justin the trenches. I love you Justin. You're my brother and you've helped me grow and mature and become the man I am today and I will take a peer reviewed candied bacon recipe off of the Internet that

has been peer reviewed. I will get on Lexus Nexus and I will find peer reviewed with thousands of ratings of people saying yum yum good bacon. Do you know what all the comments on every recipe of good bacon recipes are? Are there people saying, uh, this recipe is horseshit. Here's how I do it. And then there's a reply to that. It's like, that will never work. That'll set your house on fire. Here's a real recipe for candy bacon. But there's gotta be one. You are a wonderful man, but you're not the computer that wore tennis shoes. That's why I'm saying I was conducting research this morning. Griffin, if you'd listen for a second, I still wouldn't find the conversation exciting. So is it just like brown sugar? Just like brown sugar on top. And then I'd

put it on a cookie rack baked it before. So you could do perfect bacon. Now Griffin, you know how to make perfect bacon, right? You make perfect bacon. There's a full proof when cold oven started in a cold oven set at 400 and wait about 15 minutes until it's done and it'll be perfect. That's perfect bacon. I like a little, uh, cracked black pepper and cumin on it. Okay. Griffin's just playing Hearthstone now. Why not? Hey, no rules. Just right. Why can't I play hard? If we're not going to do advice, we're not going to do the thing. Why can't, now it's our Hearthstone cast. I've been really enjoying playing the priest class lately because there's a lot of card control cards.

I like to play those and really stump my enemies. Well, let's talk about Hearthstone, if that's what you want to talk about. I mean, Paladin's a good way to go because then you have a lot of damage cards and healing cards. Listen. I'm listening. I don't have anything. I just didn't want to talk about bacon anymore. That's the first. Bacon has been ruined for me. Okay. I live in Austin and so it's like, it's in everything. It did get kind of, bacon, bacon did get kind of ruined. It's not even the, it's not the food. It's not the eating it. I don't, I still get psyched if I'm like at a hotel. I like like shitty bacon kind of this way. I like like swag weed that like snickle fritz because you can smoke a lot of it. You know what I mean? And like, I like shitty,

flat, floppy, shitty bacon. Because it's the fun of smoking weed that really appeals to me. Yeah. But, but. Oh no, I'm high already. I like. I just started smoking this weed. Oh no. I'm so enjoying it. I like flat, flat hotel nightmare bacon. I still get excited about that, but like eating a vegetable and like you open up a fold of it and where you expected to find the, life-giving seeds inside. There's like a bacon chutney. Like I just can't get excited about that. But for me, it's not the eating of the bacon that's ruined it. It is the fact that bacon has become comedy. Like there, there, there, it is, it is its own sort of comedy food group where it's just like, is this joke not working for you? Just say something about bacon. It's, it's like not.

It's not bacon. It's not a punchline. No, it's bacon. It's thin pig that you fried up. It's not, it's not a, some sort of clever play on words. We just, I think everybody in the nation got so excited that for once we found something that could unite us instead of divide us. Like I think that was the thing that's like, we're such a divided country anymore politically speaking. And ideologically, religiously, I could go on that we finally found one thing where we all were like, you know what, let's just put everything aside and just enjoy bacon first. And it was also like bad for you, but not like cigarettes, you know, not like, right. And it was like, we're going to be naughty and have some bacon today. How's it, how, I don't want to talk about

big anymore. How's your guys summer? I haven't done shit yet. Okay. Moving on to Justin. Fourth of July, you know. Um, okay. So that, I wanted, I, the reason I want to do some kind of vacation thing, but it's hard because like one, it's not like we have the summers off from school. Like it's, it's not that much different from any other month. And now that I am a professional podcaster, i.e. unemployed, it's not really like I have a job to take a vacation from. So it's really just spending money at that point. TV has led me to believe that La La Land is like a vacation 24 hours a day. I will say that there is like, if you've ever been on Atlas Obscura, which is really awesome and I highly recommend it, the website, there is like a thousand like

cool places to go in, in, uh, lost interest that cost nothing that are like, here's a weird little adventure day, but that doesn't really feel like a vacation. That feels like I just don't want to be home for three hours. Uh, and so like, I don't know. I'm thinking about going to Disneyland, you guys. I'm 31 years old. I haven't been to Disneyland yet. You have been to Disney. No, I've been to Disney world. I've been to Disney world. Yeah. I've always wondered about Disneyland. I feel like it would be just different enough from Walt Disney world that I would kind of get messed up. Yeah. Like it would kind of be hard to like, I would keep feeling like I was in a dissociative state or something. Um, I've been thinking about taking a swaycation and let me

know if this isn't funny, but it's, uh, it's, uh, I'm going to go like get lunch with my friend Sway. You know that I met Sway once when I was in college and, um, yeah, you never let us forget it. We had lunch. I had lunch with Sway and then the next day I had lunch with John Roberts, pretty much the best two days. Um, it goes in order those two days and then the best day ever that I mentioned earlier in the show that I can't remember what I said. Uh, listen, I've had a pretty good life. I, uh, I, uh, uh, I like going out with, uh, sway like different events and stuff like that. Yeah. But the one thing I don't like about it is that he always expects you to reserve a spot with the, the hang. He sounds like those really annoying RSVSs, the

respondes to Sway. Yeah. And he makes, he makes you, uh, he makes you, uh, fill those out and return them to him before you can get a good hang. And then we, uh, and then when you're on a, uh, a cruise ship and it capsizes and then you and he are the only two survivors and you, um, you swim through the, the, the sunken channels and hallways of the ship to make it to the radio room to, uh, put out, uh, save our sway dispatch. I, uh, and then he always talks about that, uh, the nineties R and B two man on the nineties, R and B group that he was in right before they made it huge. And then they changed the name, uh, from kid and sway, kid and play. And then it was like, and they just cut him out of the, what are the odds that 90% of our listeners have no idea who

you're talking about? Oh, a hundred percent. Okay, great. No, sorry. A hundred percent of our listeners know exactly who we're talking about. He's fucking sway. Um, do you guys want a yahoo? What? What do you mean? A what? A what who? A what? I, I'm worried people are listening to this going like, are they just going to change the whole show? Is this, I can't stress this enough. This isn't us being lazy. This isn't us like not doing the pre pro work. I'm looking at an email full of questions, just write, ooh, juicy, juicy questions. There's actually, I had eight questions this week instead of six. I had like nine yahoo's and, and we got them all together. And then at some point we just made this unconscious decision just to, just to neglect them. If we don't go the

full hour, like, right, do you remember that time we went to see the Reds game and it started raining and everybody else cleared out of the stadium and we're standing in the hallways waiting for the rain to blow over and we were like, we're going to stay in our seats the whole time and be cool dudes. And then lightning struck a flagpole on the opposite side of the ballpark at which point after sitting in the rain for an hour, then we got up and went and stood in the hallways with everyone else. Do you want to be laughed? We laughed because we were wet and then the rain stopped and everybody else got to enjoy the game. I think we also stopped at the skyline because we also wanted to shit ourselves on the way. We definitely, one of the best things about going to a Reds game,

so we live three hours away from Cincinnati in Huntington is three hours away from Cincinnati. So it would be a day trip, right? So we would. So dad would say, hey, boys, let's go. And sometimes mom will come too. But I remember it being a few times it was just like the four of us and it would be like, let's make a day of it. Go see a Reds game. So we drive up in the morning. We get there. You know, we get the mini Reds bat and we'd watch the game. Justin would fill out an application for a credit card. That almost always happened. I did do that once. I started myself on a road to financial ruin that I'm still trying to escape from. I was 16 years old and I got one to get a free Reds baseball cap. Hi, Justin. They sell those. Hi, dad. You had to co-sign. Like, fuck

everybody. So that was that was a great thing. And then as we would leave the stadium and I had my like, I can't wait to get a credit card. I wonder what that's like. As we're leaving still on that credit card high, we would always stop at Skyline Chili and then have a three hour drive home. It was just like a fart rocket. It was like, do you want to do you want to do you want to sous vide yourself in farts? Do you want to fart a ceviche here in our Toyota Corolla? Like, let's just do it. Let's see what we get out and we open the door. So we got home and the outside of the car would just be like unpainted tarnished metal. The Reds game was red. The kind of baseball games are so expensive because you got to get

the tickets. You got to get the kids the souvenirs. You have to have the seats of the car reupholstered and then burn farts. Yeah, that's what I'm that's what the joke is because the chili would make you fart. That's what I was saying. Let's see. We talked about safety patrol. We talked about cold showers. I did get a credit card. Travis, thank you for reminding me. The first credit card I ever got was at a fucking Reds game for a baseball game. What was the limit? Do you remember the credit limit on that? $16,000. Okay. At first, no, no bullshit. At first, it was 500. Okay. That's good for a kid. I'd let my 16 year old have a $500 credit card. And then I got a letter that it had been extended to $6,000. And I never. And this is why we had the credit collapse,

everybody. $6,000 credit cards to 16 year olds. That's higher. That is higher than my current credit card limit. That's insane. You know what? I can't get a credit card now. Because of Justin. Because of how bad Justin goofed up. $6,000. You might as well have had a blank check at that point. That is the movie blank check. It's red. It's red card. That's insanity. $6,000. But you know what? To be fair, I used that credit card to pay my tuition at Marshall and I used it to buy books, which is what I told Linda at Universal Credit Union when I got that debt consolidation loan. What's up? Actually, I used it to buy an electric guitar and lots of Taco Bell. And tons and tons and tons of hero clicks.

They put it on the card. I'll never have to pay this back. That's adult Justin's problem. I am adult Justin. Thank you for your waste. I got a call from a... There's a lot of bad information out there about credit card. I got into it in my head. I saw one of those commercials for one of those like, we'll take care of your debt. No problem. We'll talk to the creditors so you don't have to. And I was like, well, that sounds like really great. And they were like, we'll get you your thing for pennies on the dollar. And I looked it up. I googled it. And I was like, what do these companies do? Because that seems kind of crazy. And what I basically said is what they tell you is just to basically stop paying. And then eventually,

like the credit company will get so desperate that they'll sell the loan to somebody else and they'll search you out for less money, right? Because they just want to get it off the books at that point. So they'll sell your debt. And then that person who's a real dick is going to come for you hard, but for less money. And I read that and I thought, well, that's what they do. I could do that right now. So I just stopped paying it. I, in the first fiscally responsible decision I ever made, I cut out the middleman and just stopped paying my credit card because I realized I was never going to pay it down. So I'm just going to stop paying it. Sounds like you also attempted to cut out the upper man.

You, the lower man, leaving only me, the lower man to deal with this. And I didn't do anything. And for months, it weren't fine. Yeah. And then I got a very angry call from a gentleman who wanted some money. Right. But that was for your drugs thing. That was actually, yeah, he was collecting taxes on balls out united. And then we had an extensive united listen to the words that you said. I can't, I'm trying to be honest here on our podcast. I could have gussied it up and made it, maybe it made it like a cool name. Speaking of cool dudes, Inc. Speaking of gussing up and also your balls at united phase, I want to talk to you about those frosted tips. As long as we're just like, as long as this is just like enough time, I think as long as we've been like doing the

Justin McIlroy revelation hour, let's just go ahead and dive deep into those frosted tips. I'm going to speak for Justin here. The frosted tips were a mistake, Griffin, because you see his girlfriend at the time is getting highlights. He was there at the salon with her. What's that? They had a little bit of leftover, you know, frosting dye. And they, and he said, well, I can't remember. Oh my God. Did someone asked you or did you volunteer? It's been lost in time. Been lost in time. No one will ever know. Okay. So he volunteered that he wanted, he was like, Oh, give me some tips. Like, like, like, uh, Justin Timberlake. And they're like, you want to get a little bit more? Hey, hey, my name's also Justin. This sounds good to me. And then so what they did

was they put, I would say like a 26 very defined points of frosted color in his hair, if I remember correctly. It looked, it looked very good. Do you know that I had a phase before the frosted tips phase where you know that, oh my God, I can't believe I'm going to say yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh God, this is a rough one. Okay, hold on. Okay, rougher, rougher than you getting couples frosted tips. That's worse than I ever could have imagined. It's rougher than that. You know, those cans of hairspray that you use around Halloween to color your hair a certain color just as a goof. I had a period for about two weeks in high school where I was spraying some of that blonde spray into my hair to give

myself a different look, a different blonder look. It fucked my hair up so bad because it is not meant to be a daily application. He used it how much? Get him to the doctor. Yeah, go to the hair doctor right now. Justin, Justin. Griffin. Last year, you had a beautiful baby girl. You and Sidney had a beautiful baby girl. Charlie. She's a wonderful child. I'm a fan. It's, I am too. I like her new stuff and her old stuff, the whole catalog. It is a miracle that you were able to produce her that this ritual that you just described did not burn and salt your dick completely clean up. Thank you, Griffin. I was pretty excited. I'm excited for you. Now that I know this, that's a, that's a miracle child. Oh, what a miracle baby. I'm going to try and canonize her for

St. Hood because she should not exist. And Justin, can you tell me, did you get, did you do all of these hair shenanigans before or after the credit card? I'm just trying to develop a timeline of times. I think, I think, yeah, Travis, I see what you're getting at. I think that I, once I did have, once I did have a net worth of roughly $6,000, I felt like I had to live up to that lifestyle. You know what I mean? I couldn't just roll into the hottest clubs with my, with my, my brown, boring plain Jane hair. I had to go in with a $3 can of costume shop blonde spray on my, on my, uh, locks. The money really changed here. This has been a rough episode for you, Justin. I mean, I didn't come out of it looking great if that's what you're getting at. Maybe you should

get some blonde tips. Well, Travis, I've kind of been down that road. Have you ever thought about shaving your head into like some kind of a monk's tonsure? Oh my God. Yes. Yes. Yes. Justin, Justin, you have lived such a wonderful, wonderful life. Again, I did do that. But that was for a, that wasn't for a show. And that was actually laziness because I couldn't commit to putting a skull cap on every night. I was Friar Lawrence and Romeo and Juliet. And I had to get, I, I shaved a tonsure in there. And then the worst part was, um, uh, that I, after, if you shave a tonsure into your head, the hair is never going to catch up. Like it doesn't work that way. You know what I'm saying? We're always going to have, yeah, exactly. Like a permadonna. So I was like,

well, I've got to shave it off. And let me tell you, bald Justin is a look. The best way I can describe it is if Uncle Fester and Pugsley had a baby, that was me. I had like the fat, stubby, Pugsley body, but the Uncle Fester head. Uncle Pugster was, Uncle Pugster was me. Oh man. Did you guys have anything you want to like get off your chest? I haven't done anything even the, the, the, the tainest thing that you've said so far is worse than my worst thing. I think I had a rat tail when I was like seven, but that's fine. You're seven. You can do anything when you're seven. I did all this for you guys. I, I fjorded the path for you. So you would, you know, so you wouldn't have to make these same mistakes. Oh, I, I will also say this towards

my minkus thing. For high school, my junior homecoming, I wanted to have my hair like Sean from Boy Meets World. So I parted it down the middle, grew it out. Mission accomplished by that. I was like Sean from Boy Meets World, but I did wear a leather jacket to homecoming and in all of my pictures. God, that's good. Yeah, that's really good. That was a solid moment. I think I still have that somewhere. I, when I was in high school, my girlfriend went to get highlights. So I said, let me just get some of that extra goo and put it right up in my stuff. And then we'll get matching hair color. Oh, I got confused. I think you licensed that one. I think you repurposed that from my life story. I have another embarrassing one. I'll just,

I'll just trot this out real quick, as long as we're just like leaving it all in the court. When I was in my freshman year of college, the same girlfriend who I got frosted tips with, I wanted a surprise for her birthday and I, oh boy, and I wanted to do something that she had talked about for a long time, but I thought just never had the courage to do. I am terrified right now. I'm legit, I'm legitimately moving away from my computer in my group. Don't move it. Just hang there with me. Okay, I'm just going to commit, I'm just going to go for it. So I made her put on a blindfold and I drove her to Davidson's Music, which had, was a combination CD store and piercing place.

And I brought her in the front door, removed the blindfold and said, this is my girlfriend and she would like to get her belly button pierced, please, because she had talked about it for so long. She left a girlfriend-shaped dust cloud as she vacated the prison. That is the craziest thing I've ever, that is in retrospect. No, no, that's something a serial killer does. I thought it was a grand gesture. You were appropriately enough, you were doing it to a high school girl, which is what a serial killer would also, that's also- If you had said this is my girlfriend, I'm going to murder her. I'm not, I'm not kidding. Everything about the blindfold, the dual purpose establishment where

you took her, the surprise piercing, all of these things combined are a serial killer. If it wasn't you telling me this, I would be calling the fucking police right now. That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. Happy birthday. Here's a hole. I'm going to put a hole in you. Happy birthday. I'm going to put all this stranger CD, this used CD salesman's going to put a hole in you like there's a hole in all his CDs. While I look at this hooting the blowfish album, I consider whether or not to buy a second copy. I am, she had talked about it for a while, so I just thought that she wanted it done. But buy a stranger and on a surprise date and time.

We're not together. Didn't work out. Can we end the episode now? Yes. Yeah, sure. I can't think of a better- Holy shit. I'm going to walk away from the flaming wreckage of my life. So that's indigital. I mean, this is digitally archived now. Yeah. This is in the cloud. This is in the library. I can't get any of these memories back. Listen, this next week, advice. I promise. This is a Griffin McRoy. Yeah. Well, we had advice. It's just reverse advice this time. Yeah. Just don't do anything that we've talked about the second half of this program. You will be aces. I mean, don't do anything we've talked about for the last

259 episodes. Right. But still. Okay. We really need to start the episode now. Here we go. All right. All right. I'm Justin McRoy. A lot of people have been asking, speaking of when we're going to start, the Totinos thing, 100% true. We're doing that. That's a real thing. Hashtag NBNBAM Totinos. We have gotten so many awesome already. I would say at least 35 usable questions for the Totinos episode. It's very exciting. We've gotten hundreds of Totinos flavored yahoos, which I'm very, very excited to dig into. What date is that episode going to be? It's going to be July 22nd, I believe. Awesome. And that's a bonus, by the way. This is not the new direction of my brother and me. It's sponsored episodes. No, we'll put that up in the middle of the week,

or is it going to go up also on Monday? It goes up on Wednesday. What else are we going to talk about? The Midwest or the Pacific Northwest shows? Yes. Well, we've got three shows coming up, but we've got two with tickets still available. We're doing shows August 28th, 29th, 30th. On the 29th, we're going to be in Seattle. On the 30th, we're going to be in Vancouver. Tickets are still available for both of those. On the 28th, we're going to be in Portland, but that one's sold out. If you go to bit.ly forward slash mbmbam Seattle and bit.ly forward slash v-a-n m-b-m-b-a-m, you can find those tickets. It's a signed seating, so the longer you wait, the less good your seats will be. And they are selling. There are a lot of seats that are gone.

There are still plenty of good seats available. And make sure you don't, which sounds like a line, but really isn't there. Yeah, I would not be surprised if there are good seats, but don't wait much longer. Yeah. I hope. God, I hope so. And if you are going to be attending those shows, go ahead and start sending us questions now. Make sure you put either Portland to Seattle or Vancouver in the subject line, depending on which one you're going to be at. And just, we'll also probably do live audience questions. Or maybe no advice at all. Maybe we'll just talk about our jobs and the horrible, horrible things we did for our high school girlfriend. Yes. I want to thank John Rodgers and the Long Winters for the use of our team song. Instead of part, you're off the album

point of the day to bed. It's a great album. I've been listening to my old mixtapes from when I had my college radio show. And there's a lot of Long Winters on there. So it's a good music option for any time of life. Well put. We've also made some updates and some changes to our YouTube page so that it's a little bit easier to navigate if you go to youtube.com slash mbmbam. We have lots of animated shorts. We have a couple live show clips. So go check it out. Go listen to all the other amazing Maxphone podcasts. There's far too many to mention, but they're all incredible. I highly recommend them. Go check out the things I bought at Sheets. Justin's hit YouTube video series. And go listen to go listen to Trends Like These. That's a new show that Travis does

with his buddy Brent. They talk about internet trends and important buzzwords. And it's really great. Go check that out. Instead of a yahoo, a final yahoo because that certainly wouldn't be appropriate. I'm trying to think of like something embarrassing about me that I can tell. And really I'm having a hard time. You know what I wish we could find is one of like the Boy Detective recordings. Oh my god Justin and I was in we were in a band called Boy Detective. And it was the greatest band ever. See I'm not even embarrassed about that. I just haven't done one yet. And my life can't be completely devoid of embarrassing moments. When I was in high school we had to do lip syncs. And my song that I chose to lip sync was Sweet Home Alabama.

And I wore a flannel shirt and had a hobo bendal over my shoulder. And I just sent the entire song walking back and forth on stage. And with my thumb out I just walked back and forth mouthing the entire lip syncing the entirety of Sweet Home Alabama. I mean Griffin and I also did Walk the Dinosaur where he played the dinosaur. But that was adorable. He was fucking adorable. And we won second place too. See. Yeah. I don't think anything bad has. When I was in seventh grade our final project for English class was we had to write a book. And I did write my own sort of sort of like Tales from the Mos Eisley and Cantina sort of extended universe Pokemon story that I had to read aloud in front of the entire class. And then later that day

Jack Hoover speared me into the mud and ruined my only copy of the transcript. I knew there was something Pokemon related but I forgot that I picked my own sort of masterpiece. It was all disasters. I'm okay now because now I get paid to write about Pokemon. Fuck the haters. Fuck the haters. And kiss your dad's square of the lips. Girls didn't want to say they are one. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hi everybody. I'm Justin McElroy. And I'm Dr. Sydney McElroy. Every Tuesday we bring you Saw Bones, a marital tour of misguided medicine, a show about all the dumb, weird,

terrible ways that we've tried to fix each other over the years. You know some light summer listening. Maybe you want to hear about yogurt enemas or why we tried to eat mummies for a while or why drinking cholera diarrhea sounded like a good idea. That and so much more is waiting for you every Tuesday right here on the Maximum Fun Network with Saw Bones, a marital tour of misguided medicine.