My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 261: Island Boy Begins

Episode Date: July 20, 2015

Justin's back from his beach time sabbatical -- or is he? Like, his body is here. We can see his body. But his mind? His spirit? Those are still nibblin' on that sponge cake, mon. Suggested talking points: Island Time, Art Appreciation, Vigilanteism, Gom Jabbar, Farm Wisdom, Boy School, The Trough

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody, welcome to my brother and brother meeting, and my advice show for the Modren Eremon. I'm Justin McElroy, and you're listening to the show. Hello, I'm Travis McElroy. I pull up the chair. The beach is fine. Dig your toes in the sand, come away with me. Okay.

Justin, help me remember, you were in North Carolina or South Carolina or Jamaica? I was in Georgia, Ivy Island, Georgia Mon. Georgia? I'm still in island time. Listen guys, Jamaica is just a state of mind, and a country, I think, or a common, I think it's a common wealth. There's nothing common about Jamaica, Griffin. Yeah. Around here, it's always island time. Yeah, I'm still like completely. Yeah, you're still coming down, it sounds like, because I don't. Yeah, I've got like a shrimp belly for sure. Yeah.

That's still going. I hit the crab shack. You know I had to get up on that. I ate at a gastropub inside a gas station that I don't think was using gastropub as like a pun. I don't think it was being punny, even though it was again. Kind of inside a gas station. Kind of sounds like you did go to a Sheets, Mon. No, Mon, I didn't. I was on island time. Still got the sand with the waves in my hair, and the ocean is like sand in your hair. I have like a permanent conch shell. Embedded in your chest.

If you imagine like conch shell headphones that you just put on, like that's me right now. If you could just Photoshop me wearing conch shell headphones that I just invented. Yeah, that's me right now. Maybe using a coconut radio. Yeah, maybe. You got a theory on the coconut telegraph. That's one of my JB songs that I was really grooving to down there. Sure, you got a seaweed skirt and pruney balls. Sure. You ever see Gilligan's Island? I was all of those guys. Justin, beach time is over. I'm glad you had a good trip.

It sounds like you had a really good trip, Mon. But beach time is over. It's work time now, because Travis and I had to hold down the fort by ourselves. I can't just make that transition. I can't just pivot on to that and just like get on. Like, I guess this is a job now. We get money for it. Sign the button up your podcasting suit and clock in at maximumfund.org. Old man Jesse is breathing down your neck to put out a podcast. But my problem is when you podcast, no one can hear what a great tan I got.

Yeah. And how good I look right now. Well, why don't you describe it to us? Pay a white like a gun. That's me. That's me right now. I was last night. I have to make a trip in two days, like because it's a nine hour, 10 hour drive. And we have a baby, which makes it like a 15 hour drive. And I'm just not doing that.

So we have to make your baby is some sort of your baby is a knowing. I've traveled with the Chuckster a couple of times now. The beautiful, beautiful child, beautiful child, going to grow up to be a beautiful adult. Lots of promise in that human being. She is a singularity through which time is devoured and then barf back up twice as long. Did it take? When did we leave? We did what should have been a four hour drive today in six and a half hours.

Anyway, we split it up two days last night. I was in beautiful Statesville, North Carolina. Let me hear you Statesville. Okay. I was staying at the Courtier Marriott, which is across from Big Shots Tavern, where we got some takeout for the evening. And I was coming back up. I realized I left my gym shorts out in the car.

So I went out to get those because they're that makes it nice, relaxing. Yeah, for sure. I was in the elevator with, and I was coming back up from the car and I got some, a few more essentials. So I had, I was wearing my cut off sleeve muscle tee. I had my muscle shorts in my hand. I had a half finished ball of brandy and I had two boxes. Wait, with you?

Yes. This is all with me. Why did you have a half finished ball of brandy with you? You didn't let me, because I brought it back from the beach. So I went out to the car and I got it. So I got, I had, now let me start again. I was sleeveless shirt. I want to paint a picture. Sleeveless shirt, muscle shirt on, muscle shorts in my arms.

Also have finished probably a Paul May song, Grand Amber VSOP and two boxes of pralines that I brought from the beach. How is my island life? Pretty good. I guess, I guess you can bring it with you. Take the sunshine with you, I guess. And I was riding up in the elevator with these two old people who are like, I pushed my button.

It was third floor. And I asked them when they came in, I was like, what floor I'm on. And they were like, third. And I was like, oh, I'm already going there. And I bet they looked at me and knew like, this must be the party floor. Look at this original party boy, just waiting to get the party going. We need to move. We can't be on this floor, the party floor.

Did you, did you offer to share some of your pralines? Yeah, I cracked the box open and they were like, ah, dentures. And I was like, ah, it's a tough break. It's a tough beat. No pralines for you. You want some of this Paul Messon Grand Amber VSOP. And they were like, no, thank you, island boy. Island boy.

This is a, I'm a lodge and official complaint here that I'm worried about you. Why? Because I got too deep in the island spirit. I think you're really, you're so deep in the cut for a while. Like, I don't know. We've had some fun at James Buffett's expense and your expense by, by extension, but I'm worried that the, we've incepted ourselves. And now you, are you, hold on.

I think I just heard a phone shutter go off. And I think you, I think you might be sending us maybe a, I'm going to guess because I haven't gotten received the JPEG yet. Sleeveless Justin Tand with just praline crumbles. All the sunglasses tan line. All hither and thither. Ooh, good, good call Travis. Some, some raccoon pale realness.

No, I, there's again, no tanning pale boy, like a dead ghost. Super, duper pale. Just like living that island lifestyle though. Yeah. I got a brand new one for that. I got a brand new Tybee shirt for the collection of Tybee. Justin, I want to say here, you look exactly the same. You look exactly the same summer.

I'm looking at you. That is a hundred percent normal. Summer boy. That's city. That's city Justin. I'm looking at. I am. Maybe I didn't get deep enough.

It's a island state of mind though. So I will say it does look like you've lost a little weight. No, that's just an angle. I ate shrimp and pralines in every meal. Let's, uh, let's thank you. Your advice, but that's just how my island island lifestyle is manifesting itself in my physical form. That is just me projecting a mental image into your mind.

I'm going to place a firm hand on the till here, on the tiller, and I'm going to point us away from those choppy episode 259 waters. And I'm going to get us right back on. Oh, you don't want me to talk about Ant-Man? I already saw Ant-Man. No, we're not going to talk about Ant-Man. We're not going to talk about Ant-Man. We're not going to talk about tabletop gaming.

We're going to do our advice thing. Have you guys like checked out tabletop games? I'm going to read the first. I'm just going to start reading the first question. Justin, you want to tell us what we do on this podcast? This is a podcast about karma and just being kind to one another and just getting into the same flow. The great light that comes from the one up above

and we're all sort of riding on it. Dear brothers, a friend of mine came over. Just there's some weird capitalization. It all makes sense when you get to the title. Okay, dear brothers, a friend of mine came over to study and now she won't leave. She's been here for six hours and seems to be settling in. How do I tell someone to go home without sounding like I disliked them?

Thanks. Guest dressed in Germany. Okay, six hours. Like the red flag has gone up for you after six hours. After six hours, you're starting to have a panic attack about your friend never leaving your place. Do you think that's not enough or too much? Fish and friends go bad after three days.

Not one sixth of a day. They say friend, but they don't give any like maybe this is like person I met in class. We've had some good conversation. We talked about Ant-Man. We talked about our beach vacations. We said, hey, let's study together. I said, yeah, come over around noon.

My afternoon's open. You didn't plan for a day. Yeah. And now they're there and it's going on six PM and you're like, oh, I need to start dinner. But I don't want to like start dinner for two. I don't want them, I don't want to, I don't want to just start making for myself.

That seems rude. But I don't want them to get the impression I'm making dinner for both of us. I wish that I could have been a fly on that wall when your friend looked over at you and they said, who are you emailing? Who are you emailing? Nobody.

I just- Hopefully they email me back in the next, oh, 20 minutes. And by email me back, I mean record a podcast about this and publish it. I want to talk to you two about the concept of a Stoody Booty because I think I did it exactly once. There was a young lady I sat next to in my first Spanish class I took in college and I was really,

I was genuinely very bad at the language. So there's this woman in my Spanish class and I was like, hey, you want to get together and study? She was very nice and we had talked a few times and there was no like, there's no romantic intention there. But I feel like you're a freshman in college, so there's this assumed romantic like intent everywhere. And so I went to her dorm room and we studied Spanish

and it was mega awkward. Oh my God, was it terrible? I couldn't get out of there fast enough because there was a tension hanging in the air that neither of us wanted, but it was there. And I don't know, I feel like the idea of a Stoody Buddy just can't- Griffin, what you've hit on- I'll tell you what complicates it, I think,

is the fact that this happens mainly in college, right? You're talking about a college thing. And you don't usually have Stoody Buddies at 30 years old, Justin. Right, yes, correct. But by and large, you don't have, the reason we have different rooms in our home is because they communicate different messages. If you're in college and you want to study at some place

where you have control over the venue, it's probably going to be in one room that it's also where you have sex and sleep. Like, you have no other option. You can't bring them into- Or play World of Warcraft and sleep. Or just play World of Warcraft and just, oh man, get super high on the bonch.

Can't bring them in the billiards room. Yeah, come to my study. Come to the study, World of Study. Or maybe in the ballroom. Come to my drawing room. Do you want to watch Akira with me and play World of Warcraft? Here we are in the conservatory.

Oh, secret passage, we're in the library. Conservatory lease of the kitchen. What are you doing with that candlestick? Get out. Please, please, no. My study buddy won't leave. I had to murder her with a wrench. Yeah, that, I mean, man.

This is why you set a window. This is why you say like, yeah, come over like noon. We'll study for a couple hours. But if I can't get the participles, and I need to keep learning, I can't leave yet. I haven't learned it.

I need you to help me learn. This is why two things. You need two things to avoid this scenario in the future because it's already too late for you. One, study group. Study group removes the onus of you. You can leave whenever you want to, neutral ground. You got to do it like at the library, on campus, or any,

like you could hang out at a coffee shop, hang out at a restaurant, a bar. Name some other places that people can congregate. Travis, please. A park, a race track. Hot tub at the Hotel 12. A hot tub, hot tubbing on the late night, maybe some kind of memorial.

An art gallery. A hot tub, a hot tub at an art gallery. A hot tub at an art gallery. Hot tub that was actually a piece of art in the art gallery. Uh-oh, weren't supposed to be in there. Now you're getting kicked out. You got to go to a hot tub museum. It was an installation.

Ah, man. Why didn't I notice the pictures of dollar signs in George Bush everywhere? I should have known this was art. Why didn't I know this was art before I got in it? This looks like a Banksy Ridge. Ironically, you were there to study art appreciation. Yeah.

Ironically. And I sat in some art and peed in it a bit. That is not, I have not appreciated your art appropriately. I have a past. That was the test. I've immersed myself in it. What if you came out and like you got this hot tub and artists just came from around the corners like,

finally, somebody gets it. It's just a tub, people. Look to your left. Look to your right. By the time this class is finished, one of those two people will have pissed in an art. Do you guys want a Yahoo? Yes.

This Yahoo was sent in by Zoe Kansky. Climb in the ladder. Thank you, Zoe. It's by Yahoo Answers User. Something's gone wrong. I'm refreshing. Trying to get the bits and bytes to a lot. Nope.

Something's gone wrong. Their avatar is a picture of Master Chief. And it says Halo 2. So let's go and call this guy Chief. Chief asks, I think my best friend is a vigilante. What should I do? Well, this is so tough. My friend, name I will not mention, has been acting very tired.

Numerous times coming to high school with a limping posture and sickly look. Recently, there's been a local vigilante interfering with the drug trade to high schoolers. The vigilante actually held the drug dealer for the cops and fled the scene when the police began to turn hostile on the hero as everyone sees him, as I see him. This vigilante is sometimes seen patrolling the local town and has stopped kids from doing graffiti and vandalism,

rescued a woman from being mugged and aided the fire department. The main reason I believe my friend to be the masked hero is because on the day of the burning tower, on the day of the burning tower, the vigilante was seen there. And the following day, my friend had a broken arm. The vigilante also had a broken arm, as he held the door above his head so people could escape. A firefighter had to pull the vigilante out and he was unconscious.

Once he woke up, he left before he was arrested. I honestly don't know why the police hate this guy. I really think he's a hero and I'm afraid it's my friend. I don't plan on reporting him, but the question is, should I let him know? Encourage him to stop or leave this be. He could get hurt. He has gotten hurt.

And also, can someone explain why the police hate him? He is a hero, right? Does nobody else want, does what nobody else would do for the people that they don't even know. Thanks for your time. Also, I'm the only one who can see this, friends. No, this is real.

I have to believe this is real. I mean, it's Spider-Man, but I believe it in my heart. It's also kind of kick-ass a little bit, but it's Spider-Man. This is the real-life superhero movement. I don't like that the vigilante is not named in the thing, because I feel like if you have done that, if I was to start Petroleum of the Streets as some sort of mass crime fighter, perhaps an island boy,

I would make shot. Oh, island boy, the least terrifying vigilante. We need to stop, we need to wait before you continue. And I need to know everything about island boy. I need to know his origin story. Does he have a little hermit crab shell full of gadgets and gadgets? Okay. When he catches a bad guy, does he my tie him up?

His hooker shell necklace turns into a whip. That's obvious. That seems, but that seems impractical. He has to rip his neckles off every time he wants to attack somebody. He has to awkwardly unhook it. You guys wait, you guys wait. Kim, one of you guys get my clasp. Oh, God.

No, not island boy. He has very baggy canvas shorts that have stripes on them, black and blue stripes. It for us all do make it difficult to run. The drawstring of his shorts is also a whip. And double two whips. You're very whip heavy. In the middle of a fight, two whips is what you need.

We've de-whipped you. What now, island boy? We've got you surrounded and whipless. Oh, little do you know. Your pants fell down. Yeah, but second whip. Eat my dick. His camouflage salt life flip flops are frisbees.

No, what's the thing with frisbees? No, that's it. You got it. You got it in one. They're just frisbees. Very no crime fighting applications whatsoever. Those are for island boy. That's that's not for crime.

That's for island boy. And his sunscreen is impervious to low levels of radiation from the sun. The sun. Right. So it's like SPF 15. It's like not even high SPF. No, very high SPF, but any sun based enemies are going to have a hard time getting in there.

Okay, so Sunman is out. Right. Solar woman, not applicable. Yeah, not a threat. Solar boy. He's also very strong and handsome. Oh. And muscular.

So it's like, I mean, it's just, it's loosely autobiographical. Anyway, island boy, if I'm out there patrolling the streets and people don't, like the first thing I'm going to do is start brand building. I don't see the point in doing this. If you're not building a legend, like, no, you got to make sure your social media is on point. Exactly. I'm not saving anybody until group is up there.

I'm not saving anybody until they know the proper hashtag is what I'm saying to you. Like I don't, I don't need a tweet storm where people are like, who is this masked boy who doesn't have a mask? Oh, it's just sunscreen. My bad. What's he doing with that necklace? I always assumed, whenever I watched superhero origins, that there's some reporter that's like, that's scooping the story.

And he's like, he's some kind of island boy. And then like, that's, like, that's the headline, right? Right. I don't think island boy can just like walk into a room, double whip, whip, whip, and just say, by the way, I'm island boy. Tell your friends. And my favorite thing about this situation, about the island boy origin, is that so much crime is happening.

While you're out developing your street team, while you're out getting some rough sketches done of your logo, so much crime is going, it's, it's like your, your uncle Jimmy Buffett dies because you didn't catch the right crime. Watch your fucking mouth. Uncle Jimmy Buffett dies. Uncle Jimmy Buffett blows out his flip flop because he starts on a pop top that he didn't save him.

That you didn't save him from. And so he gets stung together by a man of war or something like that. And he's like, with great power comes great responsibility island boy. But then you island boy are like, nah. Nah, I'm just going to keep building my brand. Got to work on my brand. That's what Spider-Man did. It worked out pretty good for him.

That is, that is. He fought Bonesaw and became a famous wrestler. Yeah. And I think that, but like what I'm saying, it's not just about ego. It's not about ego at all. If you don't build your legend, like, okay, if you have a legend and then you stop a crime, then the legend of that is going to keep other people from doing crime, right? You read the tipping point for a second.

Sure. I'll wait. And then you got to do 10,000 hours of superheroing. That's outliers. I don't even know what you're saying. You're weaving a tapestry of fear that you're going to place all over Huntington? No, a tapestry of chill. A tapestry of chill, a narrative of fear.

Okay. That's fine. But like, would you stay? Fear based chilling. Okay. Gosh, I really don't want to say part the kimono, but it's the only appropriate thing for right here. Let's part the kimono.

You're Island Boy. Let's assume just for the basis of this conversation. Let's just assume for the basis of this conversation. What would somebody like me be doing? I can't imagine. All right. Let's assume for the basis. Don't you remember that time?

No, you remember that time where you clearly saw somebody dressed like Island Boy at the top of that water tower, and I was on the ground looking up, pointing it up there. Okay. And he left before anybody could get a good look at his face, but we were very clearly in several places. It's either you or it's Steven's shark child. And let's just, okay. Yeah, I got another one.

He wears those goggles. Yeah, and you can't have any goggles. That you don't have goggles. That's true. But let's just assume it's you. Would you stay in Huntington? Because I feel like Island Boy couldn't fight crime in the decidedly not tropical Huntington, West Virginia.

Or would that be the bet? That doesn't make fucking sense. There's not caves in Gotham, except for the one that Bruce Wayne's family bought, but like Batman's still patrolling. Well, that's a good, man. How has nobody cracked that? Hey, Gotham reporters. What is he, Batman?

Where do bats chill? Under bridges? We looked under all the bridges. I don't know. Let's give up. There's one cave and there's one cave. You want to go there? No, we did the bridges.

I feel like we did our due diligence. I give up. What do you say? Listen, we've talked a lot about Island Boy, and I feel like we've created a very lucrative property. I feel like Marvel, if you want to buy that one, go for it. DC, if you want to buy it and completely ruin it, that's fine too. But what do you do when you're friend?

Let's assume Steven's shark child, all three of our friends, is Island Boy. He's getting out there. Do you remember the day of the tower fire? I remember it well. If I remember correctly, it was the three episode arc. It was the day of the burning tower. And I remember it well. Flames were everywhere inside the tower.

And Island Boy showed up, saved the day. But then Steven's shark child showed up to the class all three of us are in. And both of his arms were missing. And Island Boy lost his arms in the day of the burning tower. What do we say to him? How do you say, stop being Batman? Hey, Bruce, stop being Batman. Well, let's say for the most important question first, Groverine.

Why do the police hate Island Boy so much? I think that's the most pressing issue here. And I think the problem is, Island Boy, as we all know, is... I mean, I don't want to say loose cannon because I feel like it's an unknown commodity. Is he going to be super chill? Or is he going to be a little bit too drunk and a little bit awkward at the luau? You know what I mean? The constant public drunkenness is probably one of the...

That and he does sell weed. We can't get around the way that he just sells a lot of weed. When he uses the drustering of his shorts, his shorts do fall down. And his dick comes out. His dick comes out. So the public drunkenness, constant public drunkenness, he does sell weed to anyone, regardless of age. He sells weed to cops.

Or if they ask. Or if they ask. And also just like his dick is out whenever he is in combat mode. One of the things I think it's probably because Peninsula Lad's family donated so much to the policeman's ball. I think that that's probably has put them against Island Boy. Now, Justin, is there an interesting... Is there a strange dynamic between Island Boy and Peninsula Lad

that neither one of them appears to be a grown-ass adult? They're unaware of each other, actually. It's one of the life's great coincidences. I'm as surprised as anybody. Um, and then there's another superhero called Delta Burke. That's nothing. I teach in a high school and we just gotta make principle. He used to coach wrestling and all the important reports are that his handshake is super aggressive.

I don't know if this is how he tries to establish Alpha Dog, or if he is just like that naturally. When I meet him, do I try to match his handshake just so he respects me? Or do I try to use a dainty Southern shake so he knows he's dealing with a person of high intellect? That's from Manohamano. Here's the thing. If you don't react, he's not establishing anything. So, I don't know.

I've known people like that before who've gone in to shake your hand and just like crush it. But I feel like that's something a villain in a movie does. Not something like a handshake principle does. Yeah. Can I make a shake? Maybe when he shakes your hand, you just make a face like, is that it? Why don't you do this? First time you meet this fool, this wrestled leader, I want you to grab his hand.

I want you to grab his hand firm. Oh, as firm as you can. But that's not where you're going to scare him. Because obviously you're concerned about weaving a tapestry of fear over this wrestle principle. You shake his hand real hard with that one. And then you sort of bring your other hand in to his forearm. Like you're doing like a Roman Centurion handshake. Oh, it's good.

But what's that on your finger? It's the Gom Jabbar. Looks like you've got a death needle on your finger. So, you're going to have that. And then you just look him in the eye and say, you must not fear. No, no, no. Here's the mind killer. I want to hear the whole litany.

The whole litany against fear from you, sir. And only then will I let you go. What's the mind killer? Say it now. Tell me now. Oh, if he's going to come in with strength, right, you use that intellect, you go for the hug. He goes for the handshake. You go for the hug.

And then when you like go in to wrap. You love him so hard. Yeah, you wrap your arm around him. But then like your hand is on his back right shoulder. Then it scooches a little bit closer to his neck. What's that on your finger? It's the Gom Jabbar. Fear is the little death.

Looks like we can all agree that no matter what, the Gom Jabbar has to be. The Gom Jabbar has got to be part of the equation. You can find one on Amazon. There is one for sale on Amazon Prime Day. I got a box with three Gom Jabbars. And 16 cans of Pam cooking spray. You have the handshake, right? You make a connection.

You say like, hey, let's grab a cup of coffee sometime, right? You sit down for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. He takes a drink. What's that in his coffee? It's the Gom Jabbar. I'm going to, here, this is what I want to do. I'll go in, I'll hug him real tight. What's that on my finger closer to his neck?

It's the Gom Jabbar. What's that on my handshake hand? It's another Gom Jabbar. And also my whole body's slippery because I've sprayed myself down with Pam. He doesn't know which way to fuck me. How about this? He goes in for a super strong handshake. You are watered.

You're fluid. You use his strength against him and you throw him over your shoulder to the floor. And what's that on the floor? What's that on the floor? It's a mattress made out of Gom Jabbars. Oops. Welcome to saw five. But then he spreads.

He spreads his weight out evenly. And he is not pierced. Yes. How about this? You go in and you go to shake his hand really hard. And then somebody comes in to shake his other hand. What's that? It's Karim Abdul-Jabbar.

What's that? Wait. All 10 of his fingers, 10 Gom Jabbars. Man. I hope everybody's seen our red dune. I think that's probably a pretty big overlap with our audience. Yeah. He brought somebody to help you shake his hand.

And he's got a sitar and it's Ravi Shankar. That's nothing. No, that's not a thing. No, that's not a thing. But he's driving a smart car. That's something. He's driving a smart car. That is something.

Let's go to the Money Zone, sons. We find really, really perfect. Travis, I have a simple question for you. Yes? What the fuck is Base Camp? Well, Justin, have you ever done, let's say, a project? Yeah. Okay.

Let's start there. I want to start at the beginning. Isn't every day, every day is like a little project. Yeah. Every day is a project. You wake up, check that one off your list. In this day and age, most of the time, the people you work with are not in the same room. Right?

Yeah. That's what Base Camp is. I work in a remote office. Right? So Base Camp helps you wrangle people with different roles, responsibilities, and objectives towards a common goal, finishing your project together. Runs, Base Camp runs in the cloud on secure servers.

So you don't have to mess with anything technical, and it's going to help you bring all your people together, get them on the same page, make sure everything's running smoothly, and you're not constantly having to do calls or say like, hey, did you do that? Oh, was I supposed to do that? Oh, shit. Base Camp's going to help you take care of that way smoother,

run everything, and not feel like an idiot at the end of the day. Base Camp, look at this way. It's really going to let you feel like a big, big old W on the day when it comes to business. I don't know if Base Camp can help you in your personal life. I don't know if they can get things on board with like helping you find love, but finish your project? You betcha.

And listeners of My Brother, My Brother, and Me can try Base Camp absolutely free for two months. Go to basecamp.com slash my brother, special landing page. You're going to like the logo you see at the top, people. It's going to bring back some more fuzzy memories or horrifying memories. Go check it out, basecamp.com slash my brother. Finish your project.

If you can do it in two months, you never have to pay Base Camp anything. Try to work that angle. That's what they were hoping for. I'd love to go to the website, but I can't fucking see it. Well, let me take a look at your eyes. You've got all that sunshine in your eyes. Oh, yeah, Justin, this is just.

I've got help. I've gone beach blind. Yeah, it's not beach blindness, buddy. That is just good old-fashioned astigmatism. Oh, man. Yeah, it's like, let me get into your, let me get into your oculars real quick. Let me just see what's, oh, yeah, just full little jellyfish.

A lot of people won't realize that when they get in the water, sometimes their eyes just get full of little jellyfish and you can't see them, but they're there and they're growing and now your eyes aren't there anymore. Well, now I need glasses. Travis, what should I do? Help, help, help. I don't, again, I don't want to burst your bubble,

but glasses are not going to help you, my friend. Your eyes are just a bunch of little jellyfish now. Okay, but Justin, you can at least look cool as you go blind from just millions of jellyfish things. Billions, billions and billions of jellyfish things. Billions of tiny jellyfish things just ruining your eye jelly. My brother, my brother and me is supported in part by Warby Parker, friend of the show.

We've talked about it a bajillion times. I'm sure you know about it, but maybe you've thought, oh, I don't know, maybe I had jellyfish in my eyes. Well, we've got the solution sort of. It's a new concept in eyewear, fashion forward. If it's a new concept, how have we talked about it a billion times? Trunk art. Well, new in like the grand scheme of things.

Look at a calendar, Justin. Imagine that all of time is represented in a calendar. All right, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, how much are you telling me about the fucking glasses? Okay, great. Well, you can get a prescription pair of glasses for $95, and that's including the lenses. I foolishly, I foolishly bought glasses not at Warby Parker.

I bought it at my optometrist because they kind of bullied me into it. They actually sort of locked the door behind me, wouldn't let me leave. They're like, you can't drive home with these eyes. $400. Oh God. Were those for those Randy Jackson shades? No, they actually, those are illegal now, those Randy Jackson glasses.

Because I'm a married man. I don't need like trim thrown at me in the street because I'm wearing those fucking tight ass Randy Jacksos. So yeah, I'm not allowed to wear those anymore. So the Warby Parker has this home try-on program where you can order five pairs of glasses and they're shipped right to you. You try them on, you find the frames that work for you,

and then you send them back free with no obligation to buy them. You find the ones that look good on you, you get input from your friends, see what they think. If you go to Warby Parker, slash my brother. Well, there's a dot-com in there, so try again. You go to warbyparker.com, that's W-A-R-B-Y-P-A-R-K-E-R dot-com, slash my brother to get free three-day shipping on your final frame choice.

That's warbyparker.com slash my brother. I have a message here, a personal message. If you want to get a personal message for yourself or your small business on the show, go to maximumfund.org slash John Botron, and you can find out how to do it there. We've gotten a few emails from people like, hey, I won a Jumbotron.

We can't, we don't do them. We don't process those, I promise. Go to maximumfund.org slash Jumbotron, and you'll figure out how to do it there. This message is for Nicholas Bale, and it's from Donna, Eric, Mark, Matteo, and John. They all say in one beautiful chorus, sing-song voice, hey, Nicholas Bale, you old lovable turd, you.

Here's to a great new year full of board games, rock climbing, college parties, and just being the best turd you can be. We hope you have a great birthday spent with the best friends a turd could ask for. Try not to get your turd smell on your presence. From your great friends, PS, you're a turd. What were they trying to get across there?

That's a weird autocorrect. Oh, sorry, I misread, and everywhere it's said turd, it says great guy. So, I don't, it's kind of weird that maybe I need to go to Warby Parker, maybe I'm the one with the jellyfish eyes. The worm has turned. The jellyfish has turned.

The worm has turned. I also have a quick question for Josh from Jeremy. Josh, get back to Jeremy as soon as you can. Jeremy really needs to know, do you know if Earl Pitts is still on the radio? So, there it is, $100, just sort of fighting. Earl Pitts, of course, that beloved Gary Burbank character, Earl Pitts, is still on the radio.

Just sort of loaded a hundo into a canister and fired it into space. And that's fine, because we're in space and we caught it. Thank you for the money, very much, Josh. Appreciate your money. I mean, Jeremy, thank you very much, Jeremy, for the money. Josh, do you know how to do your money? Josh, do get back.

No matter who sent it, no matter who sent the money, I appreciate the money. What was that noise? Did someone just get a Game Center request? No, just this Earl Pitts video audio played on my computer. Okay, so you're really dialed in, then. Yeah, I really want to get the whole Earl Pitts story. Here's a quick click of Earl Pitts that I'm going to put in.

Hey, y'all, it's me. I've never heard Earl Pitts. A tie is a pedantic person. I think when he pronounces these words, it's in a very show-offy way. Gyro. Hero. Sacre bleu. Sacre bleu.

Ears rock. Ooh, the real. What you are witnessing is real. The participants are not actors. They are actual litigants with real cases. They call in via Skype to Judge John Hodgman's court, the real people's court. Now I call you to Judge John Hodgman's internet court.

Find it at MaximumFun.org or wherever you download podcasts. No, no, no. Farm Wisdom. Farm Wisdom. Put your dip inside your lip. Farm Wisdom. Brought to you by Earl Pitts. Brought to you by Snooze, the dip you put in your lip for farm stuff.

It'll make you better at hay collecting. This is actually from Sammy. Thank you, Sammy. Thank you, Sammy. And thank you, Snooze, for sponsoring the show once again. It's dip. What a great friend we have in Snooze. Special relationship.

There's a lot of farm wisdom. This is an encyclopedia of farm wisdom from Sammy. Thank you, Sammy. Number one, kicking it off. Top of the list. Goat poop can be fatal. Our beef cattle were dying off unexpectedly. After looking into the cause, we found out it was the feces

from our goats on the farm that were killing our herd. Sorry, Elizabeth Gilbert. Goats are the worst. Goats, I don't care what your affiliation. They're the worst animal ever. Number two, I showed cattle as a kid. Now that was about- There's been Sammy Wisdom, Sammy Wisdom.

I showed cattle as a kid. Now that was about 15 years ago. Or are they saying now that was about 15 years ago? Yup, I literally put a leash on a full-grown heifer and walked her around a show ring for fun. We had to clean these cattle before showing. Guess how we bathed them? We used a pressure washer.

No. In hindsight, that seems like an odd and painful way to clean these poopy animals. But that's the norm. That's farm wisdom. No, Sammy. Not. It's not.

Farm cruelty, farm cruelty. You are the- That was right this whole time, farm cruelty. You are bovine Jack Bauer is what you are. Number three, sometimes I just hit goats with a hammer for fun. All right, Sammy. I'm a psychopath.

Number three, for real though, how do you know if your corn is growing at an appropriate rate? This old saying, knee high by the 4th of July. I've also applied that metric to my daughter to know if she's stunted or not. Knee high by the 4th. Does everybody like, all right guys, February 5th.

You know the drill. Get that corn in the ground. We gotta have a fair corn race. Knee high by the 4th of July. Number four, cows don't actually sleep standing up. If you get to that point though, if you get to 4th of July and it is not knee high, what is your next action?

You just pivot. You just give up. You just give up. Fuck this corn. You cut it all down. Do farmers have uniform bottom halves of their legs? I was gonna say calves, but that would get confusing. Do they have, but like, is a farmer,

if you lined up all the farmers in the world, all their knees are like 20 inches high. Cows don't actually sleep standing up. They do lay down. Cow tipping is not a thing. That's not true. It's Sammy. These are lies and they're cruel.

Like they're cruel truths and horrible lies, Sammy. That's not the name of the segment. Cows don't actually sleep standing up. They do lay down to sleep and then they never get up. And why aren't they moving or breathing? What did I do? Stop. Stop hammer time.

But by which I mean, I'm going to go hit some goats with some hammers. Fine. Good riddance to bad animals. Number five, final piece of farm wisdom. This one's going a little long, but I still feel like it's good. To make your dairy cattle milk more efficient,

throw hammers at them before they wake up. To make your dairy cattle milk more efficient, feed them poison. To make your dairy cattle milk more efficient, feed them a rich, a diet rich in alfalfa. So that one's not especially sexy. Not as sexy as the other ones. That's an important tip, Sammy.

You got to close with some heat. Yeah. Don't you maybe lead with alfalfa. And then we think, oh, Sammy, she sounds like a normal human being. And then you get into the hammers and then you get into the lava ceremonies. Then you get into-

No, he's the gods of your farm. Then you get into the ritual burials. Thank you for sending those in, Sammy. Thank you for sending those in, Sammy. I do miss farm wisdom when we don't receive it. If you've got something, you can send it to mbambam at maximumfund.org. That's where all questions and advice

and relevant comments should go. Just put farm wisdom in the subject line, I guess, if you want to. You guys, you guys want Yahoo? Yeah, sure. This one was sent in also by Zoe Kinski. Climbing that ladder. She is on a hot streak. Thank you, Zoe.

It's by Yahoo Answers User, Rhesus, who asks, Is it possible to ask a question without using a question mark? What do you think? That's a question mark. It's a question mark. Tell me now the name of your dad. No, that's a declarative. A pejorative.

No. Demonstrative. Deformative. No, it's when you give an order. Let me try this. Let me try this. What is your dad's name I want to know? How about, oh, how about this?

Remind me of your dad's name? That's a question mark, yeah. No, it's not. But it's also imperative. I mean, Travis put one in with this inflection, but. What is your dad's name? Let me try again. What is your dad's name?

What about this? What about this? What is your dad's name? Okay, I got it. Okay, what if you went with this? And your dad's name is... Oh, I see. That's fun until they interrupt you when you pass out.

Or what about this? Dad's name. Go. My dad's name is Regis, and I would like to know yours. For example. See, then it's not an imperative. Then it's like open ended. They can, I don't, listen, I could give a damn.

Tell me your dad's name or don't. Whatever. No skin off my balls. Okay, I think it's impossible to ask a question without saying no skin off my balls. There's four different types of sentences, right? Right. There's statement or declarative, right? Right.

There's the question. My dad's name, as long as we're grammar-girling, let's do it. My dad's name, my dad's name is Regis. My dad's name is Earl. Yeah, but how can you, okay, using the first sentence type of statement, you could ask a question with a statement. It doesn't have to be an answer. I would like to know what your dad's name is.

That's good. I don't know your dad's name. I've never met your dad, but I want to. You have to say, I don't know your dad's name and then stare at them expectantly. Right, sure. I don't know your dad's name and that's your fault. Question that's obvious. A command, right?

Dad's name now. Dad's name on three. Tell me the name of the dad. Your dad's name. Your dad's name. Dad's name or he dies. Now, it has to be command. Give me the name of the dad.

Give me the name of the dad now. Give the dad's name to me. Stop, stop stalling. Stop stalling, McLean. Tell me your dad's name. Ready for the name of the dad. I've waited long enough. Slake my thirst for your dad's name.

Let me die. Can't read the sweet words of death and tell me the name of your dad. I am a genie and the only way I can become Jin is with the command word as the name of your father. Now, please. Yes. In this year, I'm going to name your dad. Griffith, that was declarative.

You say you fucked up. Hold on. Wait, what were we doing? The last that was command. The last type. Your dad's name. So I may become Jin. Shazam.

No, that's not a command because now we're on the exclamation. Give me the name of your father so I may become Jin. No, exclamation. I mean exclamation. I have been cursed for a million centuries by Alibaba. Declareative, declarative, declarative. Declare. Not an exclamation.

I have been cursed for a million centuries by Alibaba. That's a statement. That's a question. That was a statement. Did Alibaba curse me until I knew your dad's name? He did. He did, in fact. Oh, rabie and nice.

I'm Jin. Kazam. The only way I can make it rain burgers is if you tell me your dad's name. I'm Jin. I don't know, Shaq. We read through the script. I think we're going to have to take another pass at this. There's not a single question mark in the whole thing.

There's not any ease either. Check it out. So how about instead of all the parts where you're yelling at the boy to tell him his dad's name, you do some rapping sounds very good. So you guys are struggling with this one exclamation. The article that I found to remind me of this because I'm 34. It ends with an exclamation part and it makes a statement with emotion. There are three examples that they have offered here.

Here are the three examples of an exclamation. I can't find the butter. Tyrannosaurus Rex was huge. I love this movie. It's a cool day. Is that all the same idea? I want some more popcorn from the concession stand. That Tyrannosaurus was huge.

I love this movie. I want to see Jurassic World again. I love your dad but forgot his name. I'm so frustrated that I don't know your dad's name and you can help. Kazam. It's been too long since I've seen Kazam. What's your dad's name? That's a question mark.

I want to watch Kazam with your dad but don't know what to put on the invitation. I can't remember the name of the movie Kazam. I fucked it up because I'm dead right there at the end. Is your dad's name Kazam? No question mark. Man, we're bad at this. What if we did a new podcast just called Boy School and it was the three of us and we just tackled stuff like this?

I think that's a hit. I'm never going to forget this. No, I won't forget this either. This is good for your kids. It's good for kids. It's good for adults. Now, your kids are actively learning about this stuff in school. Kids are currently learning about how to inquire about people's dad's names

in all kinds of really fun and funny ways. And the history of Kazam. And the history of Kazam. But the adults have forgotten it. That's why that horrible Jeff Foxworthy show is still on the air. Can you believe that? Mm-hmm. So, yeah, I think we spin that up.

I think Boy School, episode one, I think we save it for Sweet Sweet. Print it. Print it. Put it on a t-shirt and sell it. You're doing another question? I get pretty bad stage fright when it comes to urinals in men's restrooms. If there isn't a divider between heads, I almost definitely won't be able to pee if someone is next to me.

This can't even resort to me having to pretend to go just so I can find another restroom so I don't look weird in front of strangers. Is there some magic solution to peeing in public restrooms or will I forever be that guy that pees standing up in the stall? That's from Public Pissing Problemo. My dude. I only laugh because the idea of pretending to go when you can't actually make any liquid come out of your penis

has to just be you going, oh, yeah. Oh, it feels so good. I feel so good loving this. What a release. It's crazy. It's crazy that this feels so good. It's just stinky water coming out of my wingwong. That's crazy.

Guys. But it feels so right. You guys are feeling this too, right? Oh man, this is crazy. We are having a moment. My wingwong feels righteous. I think your main problem is that you don't have to be bad enough because if I really have to pee,

I don't care if the ghost of my great-grandmother appears in the urinal cake like, no, please, no. Like, I'm going to go for it because I have to pee. I'll tell you the ultimate ruse though is when you walk into, oh, worst pee situation in my life. I was, I love me undies. I love me undies so much. They do not have a hole in the front for you to get a tuck,

a good tuck going. So you have to basically- Or you wear them backwards. It's one of those two. No, there's no hole in the butt either. Important to point out. Quick correction to what Justin just said. So it's a full blown pull down your pants and pee in the urinal situation.

I was at Worst Fest, a fun little festival put together by the city council of like San Marcos or something. No, it's like an hour south from here. You go to it though and it's all sausage and beer and it's fun and people get really, really turned. And it's kind of scary actually now that I'm talking about it because it's kind of like Nine of the Living Dead. Anyway, worst bathroom situation.

I walked in after waiting in line. It's slam jammed with a W. Worst bathroom situation. No, okay. I'll try to avoid those. It was very bad nightmare bathroom. And I walked in and what's up? Oh, it's a trough like at a baseball stadium.

Nice. And so when you see that or you see this is also applicable to a no wall, which is not ideal, but infinitely better than a trough. You just sort of pivot and you turn towards the stalls and then all of a sudden you're waiting on a stall. And somebody's like, were you waiting on a stall? And you say, yeah, I got a lot of turds to go to.

Got a lot of, I got a big, got a big shipment at the butt factory. I say you lean into it and if there's a trough, you go to where two guys are already shoulder to shoulder and just squeeze in between them. Let me just, can I get in here? Let me just, excuse me. Can I just get in here? If you just cook your elbow, pee through it.

Or yeah, you do, you do a double. If you got enough blast power, they only need to split apart like a quarter inch for you to have clearance. Stagger, you gotta stagger. You do a stagger situation. Can we just just stagger in here guys, please? Just stagger us off the shoulder. We don't need to be shoulder to shoulder.

You can do off the shoulder as long as there's a gap. Can you two cross swords so I can get up in here, please? I said. I want a three musketeers with y'all. As long as there's no, as long as there's no line, pee in the stall. Yeah. You're psyching yourself.

Like, you're not going to walk out of the stall and see a dude with a clipboard putting an X next to your name and be like, like no one's judging your shit. Another shit, huh? Weird. Super weird. Sounds like the worst one today. Can I ask you guys a question about this?

They're related to this topic. If you go to a place and see a handicap restroom, isn't it hard to deny yourself the spacious luxury? Really spread out, maybe put down a picnic lunch. It's really hot. Like, I mean, I feel guilty about it. Come into my studio. Come into my studio.

There was a special knock you could do if you were a person with disabilities that like, hey, I'm really, can you please? And I would, I would respect that instantly. I could be, I could be mid pinch. I'll pinch it off. Justin, I know a lot about you. If anyone knocked on a stall door,

I think you would respect it instantly. Yeah. But no, if it was the special knock, otherwise I just think they're an asshole or that guy from Cracker Barrel that one time. I once, I once walked into a bathroom and it had to fighters betwixt the urinals and they were about three inches wide.

So like they stuck out from the wall about three inches. It was like, it was a mockery. It was if to say we could have, but we didn't. We spent resources. I can't you, don't you hate when there's like an inch and a half or two inches of space? Like, I don't, why do you, as a bathroom door manufacturer, hang those up and say, well, that's a good day's work.

I've done the one thing that I'm supposed to do and protect people's situations. No, wait, there's a nice little staring crevice right here. Just to let people peep in. It's fine. I was using install on time. And in the like wall between the two stalls, somebody had made like a hole to, I guess, look through.

And it was like, I don't know why you made like a little secret like a shadow box display, like a little diorama. Like I'm, I don't want to see through that hole into like what the person in the other stalls doing. It was really curious. Don't, is it, you know, one of the worst things is when there is a little crack there

and the door is closed and you think, did somebody just do this as a prank? Or is there really somebody in there? And you kind of do that very casual walk by side glance. See if you see some shoes or maybe some rumple pants. And then that's for real. All of a sudden, you're the cracker barrel man. You're the man from the barrel.

Yes. So that is how bathrooms work. Another episode of Boy School in the Can. Which is our side project of bathroom etiquette for children. So that's it. So that's it. We're done. We're done with the show.

Thanks for listening to our show. Another show we're going to make this week. You're going to get a boat. This is not the only episode of my brother, my brother and me that you will get to enjoy this week. What does he mean? I'll tell you, Boy School. We're going to make a very special episode just about Totino.

The entire Totino's line is going to get the big feature. It's going to be a huge episode full of fun. Full of flavor. And full of flavor and full of crunching. And it's going to be a Totino's episode from us to you. And to find people with Totino's. If you want to get in on the action, email us with Totino's in the subject line.

And also please tweet at Totino's with the hashtag mbmbamTotino's and get those Totino's questions. I'm not just going to say this because they are sponsoring the episode. And because I love Totino's, you should go get yourself some pizza rolls before you listen to the episode. We're going to talk about them so much. You're going to be dying for them. We're going to be timing it out so that we are eating discrete meals

during the show. So a lot of crunch and munch, a lot of gushing, a lot of yummy noises. It will be at my breakfast now. It will be Travis's breakfast. It'll be my brunch. It'll be Justin's lunch. It's going to be one for the ages. Not that you need to.

Totino's, if you're listening, a breakfast pizza roll with maybe like some sausage and cheese and egg. That's good. Just step into their house and tell them how to rearrange the furniture. Well, I've already been, I've been, I pitched dessert pizza rolls to them that were maybe like an apple pie filling or like maybe like a hot chocolate custard. Kind of thing.

Anyway, it's just, it's going to get real real with Totino's. Do we have a date on that yet, Ditto? 22nd. 22nd. 22nd. This coming Wednesday. This is not like the new Mabimbam. Like that's not like.

It's a special occasion. Not going to do only sponsored episodes. It's a special occasion. Justin joked about it on the show like three years ago. And then Mr. Totino heard it and was like, Let's make it happen. That's what he sounds like. Let's do it.

I like these boys. This boy's got a good sound. Let's get these boys to hot car little pockets of flavor. Let's sort them up Sheila. Sheila send them to sauce. I missed the big head. Oh baby. Oh baby.

Oh baby. Totino's is run by the bad guy from Sewer Shark apparently. We're going to have these boys slinging sauce. They want to see saucy mouths. I want to see smooth, smooth tan legs and saucy mouths. Get some sauce in their hair Sheila. Make it look like they're having a real pizza party. I don't want it.

No crying in pizza rolls. So that's going to be. We're going to be doing some live shows. Yeah. Yeah. We're coming to the Pacific Northwest, Seattle, Vancouver. Go to bit.ly4 slash mbmbam Seattle or bit.ly4 slash van mbmbam. And you can buy tickets to those so you can come see us and enjoy those shows.

Tickets are still selling fast. Those are reserved seats. So if you think you might want to come, please buy your tickets now. And a portion of every one of those tickets does go to us. So we get the money. So I appreciate that for you buying it. Thank you. Thank you very much.

You should listen to all the other amazing Maximum Fun shows and the donor swap episode that everybody was promised. Wait, are we are we promoting these? We can't announce who it is. But only that it's going to be fantastic. It's going to be amazing. Also, my sister, my sister, me is still in the works. So people have been asking a lot about that that he's coming.

But for right now, go check out the other Maximum Fun shows. And they're all incredible. I mean, they're countless good shows. I wouldn't even know where to begin. But maybe the other ones that we're on. Adventure Zone, Soul Bones, Bunker Buddies. Yeah, can I just take a second to promote Monster Factory? It's a video series that Justin and I have been doing for Polygon.

And I wouldn't normally plug shit on this show that is sort of outside the scope of the Maximum Fun community. But I've seen so many tweets from people who listen to the show. They're like, have you seen this video? And they haven't seen it. So it's called Monster Factory. And it's on YouTube. Each one's like a half hour long. And I think they're really funny.

I'm not just saying this because I'm your guys' brother. The Fallout 3 and the Mass Effect 2 is like the funniest shit I've ever seen. The Mass Effect 2 turned out super good. Anyway, that's that's you can find that all on Polygon's YouTube channel. There's like a playlist of Monster Factory videos. You just search Monster Factory on YouTube. Yeah, you should also check out another YouTube series called Things I Bought at Sheets.

Justin's hit YouTube series with his friend Dwight, where they review items that Justin bought at Sheets. It's so good. So good. And we figured out how to work a green screen. So that series is really amazing. Oh, hell yes. Also Travis has a new podcast called Trends Like These.

He does with his friend Brent. That's a it's a must listen. It'll get your day started right. I want to thank John Rodrick in the long winters for these four theme songs. Instead of partying off the album, putting the days to bed. You can still vote for him. If you live in Seattle, you should absolutely look up his platform. I think it's solid and think about voting for him.

You can early vote now for the primary, but those votes in by August 4th. We got to hang out with him a lot at MaxFunCon. And he's he's a super good dude. And I think he would make a really great representative for the eighth district of Seattle. So if you live out the ninth or the seventh, that would be like a bad fit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so yeah, go go go look up his his platform.

Give it a thought. Yeah. We'll see you guys again on Wednesday. We'll see you in a couple days with mouths full of sauce. It's finally Yahoo! Answer was sent in by Zoe Kinski. Thank you, Zoe, climbing that ladder. Thank you. It's by Yahoo! Answers user.

Sorry, something has gone wrong. Let's call her Roseanne. Roseanne asks, do they make Rob Schneider dolls? I'm Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. He's been my brother.

My brother. May I kiss your dad? That's what I know. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. I'm Dave Holmes.

And if you've been missing my show, International Waters, and you've been missing this. If there's one thing I know about owls. They are wise. Two things. They are wise. Yes. They love nightclubs.

They all, they were tiny graduation motorboards. And they love nightclubs. They also do the best double takes of all birds and crows. And if you slow it down, they actually go get it out, get it out. International Waters, a panel show where U.S. and U.K. comedians battle for pop culture supremacy. Subscribe right now on iTunes or on Maximumfun.org.