My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 264: Expecto Punchtronum

Episode Date: August 10, 2015

Do you all remember where you were when, on your 11th birthday, you were informed of your pugilistic destiny? We remember it like it was yesterday, because we are TIME WARLOCKS. Suggested talking points: War Chips, The Frood, Dad's Fingers, Chronomancer, Vitamin Talk, You're a Punchard 'Arry

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Hello everybody and welcome to my brother and my brother meeting, advice show for the Modron era. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McElroy. I'm your middle-est brother, Travis McElroy. And I'm your sweet, swaddled baby Griffin McElroy. Hi.

Hi guys, it's the most wonderful time of the year. Lay's Do Us a Flavor, Taste of America is back with four or some other number. It is four. It is some other number, new flavors. Each of us has gotten one of these brand new flavors to sample and try. And I thought we could just start off the show with a taste test to find out, get this Battle Royale going. Now, let me see. Let me grab my bag that I have. I've got here. Now, I have the. That's, oh, that sounds like a thick, thick paper and timing cracker barrel bag. Yeah. And they hit, they really sprung for

quality packaging. Now, right here I have meatloaf, ant judy's, okay, meatloaf, ant judy's meatloaf. Uh-huh. Flavored spaghetti. Sauce on rigatourney. Chips. Okay, but, all right. So, I am so down with so many of the layers, the complex flavor layers that Lay's is bringing to the table. Or should I say that Lay's has accepted into their retinue of flavors, except the, the spaghetti sauce on rigatourney just seems like they should just call that spaghetti, right? Because I don't think you could. Well, unless there's a texture in the first. I don't want to pull out my foodie card on you. But there is a definite flavor in spaghetti. It's a very earthy, like rustic flavor. And in rigatourney,

it's much more of like a city, like, uh, like uptown elitist flavor. Okay. Now, I'm, uh, take them to the, uh, bud shack, which is what I call my mouth. All right. Here we go. It tastes exactly like meatloaf's ant judy's meatloaf flavored spaghetti on rigatourney, but in a ship. It's amazing. I've got pineapple and cottage cheese that was left out on the counter overnight, but you put it back in the fridge, but now you're unsure whether or not you want to eat it. Chips. Chips. It, my God. The accuracy is what I'm first struck by. You can, you can taste. You can taste the time. You can, you can taste the time. You can also taste like the indecision as

to whether or not it's safe to eat. Like, I don't know, I don't know if that comes from, like, beaver anal glands or what that is or how they get that flavor. That's amazing. But then the best thing, those pineapple, is it pineapple, did you say? Yeah. Those chips going to make you, your spunk tastes good. My spunks. That's just a whole factoid from, that I picked up from GQ magazine. Now Griffin, what did you, what flavor did you go?

I have this bag. I'm reading, you sent me this. I didn't buy this at the store except I'd be too embarrassed. It seems weirdly conceptual because the, the, the bag has the words printed on it, grandpa's war stories. Chips. Chips. Well, no, it doesn't say, it doesn't say chips. If you look all over a bag of Lays, it doesn't say chips anywhere on there. You know what you're getting into. It's got the Lays brand on it. You know, these grandpa war stories are going to be delivered in chip form. So let me just crack. Like really utilitarian, like no images, like ration, like they've been rationed. Like a ration, like a chip ration.

Do you mean ration? Do you mean ration? You psychopath? I did what I started and then I said ration and then I thought I should lean into it like it's a joke I'm doing. All right. Let me crack these open. The meaty bag, Griffin. They've been encased in some sort of crystal. Killed the gelatinous cube that was protecting. Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't have chips on hand. Like my two brothers who apparently just have

chips on their desk ready at the, at the, anyway. Oh, I'm definitely eating chips right now. And kind of a musty, kind of a musty scent and that they do, they taste, they're, they seem like they carry a lot of caloric value, which is good for like powering your very dense. Yeah. It gives you, it's going to give you a lot of like bayonet stab energy out on the field. And let me just, let me get another bite. It tastes like grandpa's been lying to us this whole time. Oh, it's, it's weird that that revelation had to come from the Lay's factory, but I think he may, I mean, I think he may have conflated some of his shit with like some, some Spielbergian nonsense. Like I think our grandpa this whole

time, you know, all those stories he told us about how he would carry wounded troops from the front lines of the battlefield back to the back lines of the battlefield where they could get help and then back once they were healthy again. And then also he was a horse. I think he just went and saw Warhorse and just kind of lifted it wholesale. It does explain why he didn't start telling those stories until like a decade ago. Right. When Warhorse came out. Anyway, that's what these chips have told me. I'm going to open the fourth back here. These are, we're going to keep going, huh? Well, this is the last flavor. Okay. Truffle fries. Well, that sounds like a real. Oh, God. That's disgusting. Yeah. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Ladies and gentlemen, this has been our first ever skit. I really hope you like and scene and let this skit. Let this skit stand as a testament. Lay's, we will never accept your money. We will never, ever, ever do a sponsored episode for you. Lay's, no matter how much you want to pay us. Yeah, there's no number. Well, hold on. No, we're trying to line in the sand, Lay's. I will do an independent sponsorship. No, Lay's. And Justin don't have to know about. You can't buy. Yeah. Travis will just start saying a lot of really positive stuff about Lay's chips. And to, and Justin, it might raise our suspicions. I want to take, this is an advice shift for the modular. I'm just a macro. I want to take our list. We're excited names. I

want to take a listen inside a bit because like a lot of people are like, where do they come up with this stuff? This great stuff. And today it was, we had my daughter's birthday party for her first birthday. She is not at a chip eating age. No, it weren't just for her. There were other people in attendance and I, we had some rich chips and I wanted an in fiction reason to eat some during the show. Oh, I thought it was because I've actually just finished today taste testing all four flavors from the new Lay's line. So, uh, basically, Gravy's the best. Followed by the Euro and then the Ruben sandwich and Truffle fries are the worst. I didn't get much out of the Truffle fries. We serve these at the party today. Why, why, it just

sounds like you guys ate a lot of chips today. That's a lot of chips. Let's ask some questions and then by which I mean answer the ones that got asked to us by us, for us, from us. With us. Brothers, I have a bachelor's degree in psychology and my friends and I often have conversations where psychological ideas are pertinent. But because there are so many movies and TV shows that deal with forensic psychology, I never know which facts and concepts are common knowledge and which aren't. If you want to drop a sweet psych fact, in a relevant context, of course, should I say something to indicate it might be common knowledge like, of course, or you probably already know, or should I just say the thing and treat it as a revelation every time?

Both sound really annoying and arrogant to me, but which one is better and that's from possibly pretentious by the Pacific and my friend, there's a third option you have not yet considered. Let me, let me, it's one word, let me just highlight it for you. A don't. I think that's, I think it was two words actually the way you just said it. A don't. Just don't, hold on, don't do it. As someone who likes to be pretentious and spout facts that they know, what if you're helping like answer a question? What if people are going, hey, why, why do, have you, is there a thing where, why do people, and you're like, well, it's this, that's, that can be useful and helpful, right? Yeah, it's not that. It's the, it's the thing that like, if you, okay, if you have to

couch anything this much, like if you have to like contextualize what you're going to say, this much, I don't think it's like the perfect bon mot to like drip, drip into the conversation. I'm not, I'm not positive about it. Uh, I, I, I do, Sydney has this problem where she has a lot of medical knowledge and like she has the real burden. She's locked. Well, this specific issue that we're discussing, she has lost her barometer for like what people know about like pills and bones and blood and stuff. So she'll like say, I mean, she'll say like, well, and of course those, they're, you can't even fake some shit. That's how off the game you are. No, no, no. It's like, she'll say like, and then he was walk, he had a broken, um, there are these two long things

that come down from your crotch that I feed at the end. You mean legs? Yeah. Is that a comment? Yeah. Like I, everybody knows legs, Sydney. That's one. It must be especially hard though to be like, to actually have like a degree in something and be surrounded by people that watched CSI and like SVU and shit. And they're like, well, you know, the reason people behave that way, and you're just sitting there like biting your tongue, like that's wrong. Like that's not true. They have steered you wrong. But like, you don't want to correct everybody and be the guy like, you can't have a conversation about a movie with, because like they want to correct all the facts in it. That's why people stopped talking to me about Looper. Oh my God, Travis and Looper.

I got real issues with Looper, you guys. What, what, what expertise are you bringing to the Looper table? I've done a lot of independent study on time travel, Justin. A lot. I've read books about it. I've, I've watched just about every time travel movie that exists. And I, you've seen Lakehouse. Hey, hey, hey, hey, no, I've never seen Lakehouse Gryffindon. You've got me there. A bozinga, one point for Griffin. We're keeping score for the rest of this podcast. Oh, okay. It's just a fun, you know, gonna look for fun bits. I thought it would be fun if we could like keep score gamify. Let me, let me offer this suggestion. And then you guys tell me that I'm wrong. What if you just say it as if like you're saying a thing that everybody knows

that if you're just like, well, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then if people are like, really? You're like, Oh yeah. And then like, then you get to like, see, I think that you know thing bothers me because it does assume like, this is just something that everybody knows, like it could come off as that. Like I just don't think you pre sell it. I think you just drop it because if you're talking to people, you know, like they'll know where you're coming from with it. Like they'll know your expertise. I say, just don't like preamble. Just get in there with your facts. But you gotta, you got, you guys aren't considering this third heat that I'm now going to bring to the discussion, which is this is great and all and you're considering these two

possibilities. You're going to say something smart that they didn't know and making them feel small when you preface it with this, or you're going to say something and they, of course, know exactly what you're talking about. And you must think we're so stupid. Third heat, what if you're wrong about anything and they know the truth? What if you ever like, have you ever heard of this guy, Sigmund Freud? And they're like, are you talking about the Freud? And then you say, no, Sigmund Freud, he came up with this thing called the fredipal complex. And it's where you want to have sex with your dog. Are you sure about any of that? Yes, I'm super sure I have a doctor's degree in brains, in brain smarts. I know all about brainy. I got up my degree in the, in the,

in the fruits examination of the brain and all the crazy ways that can get whacked out. I went over to italy and I studied at illustrious colleges. Also, I'm having a new phasia. Please take me to the hospital. Did you guys know? Does anybody else smell burnt toast? Of course, you all know that an aphasia is where you want to eat pizza all the time. Please help, please help. Time loss is brain loss. Do you guys want a yahoo? Yes. Yahoo is sending by Zoe Kinski climbing that ladder. It's by yahoo answers user heart, heart, heart. It's just three heart emoticons. They ask, my dad smells his fingers. Why? So wherever we are, either in the car, the store, anywhere, he smells his fingers and it gets on my nerves so much. Whatever he does, he usually smells it.

For example, he puts his fingers through his mustache and smells it. He rubs his hands on his face and he smells it. He even takes his socks off and picks his toenails and smells it. He puts his hands in his armpit and smells it. He'll rub his hand around his neck and smells it. He'll put his fingernail between his teeth and he smells it. He runs his fingers on his lips and smells it. You name it, he probably smells it. It bothers the heck out of me and it's embarrassing when we're in public spaces. So what I want to know is why does he smell his fingers? There is one sure fire way to stop this behavior. Every time he does it, lean in real close to him like a comfortably close and just say, hey, can I get a hit of that? Next. Let me get a hit.

Passed the dutch in the left hand side. Don't bug out that sweet sniff. I think the reason he does it is probably because he sounds like the worst. Oh no, come on. This is someone's daddy. Close your eyes. Picture this in any way that's not creepy. Okay, here, do you want me to give it to you? The non-creepy way? Please. What if this is some sort of patriarchal probiscus that he is using as a sensory appendage to sort of get a feel for the environment? Like smell-o-location. Smell-o-location. I'm saying all this other stuff like armpit, gross, whatever. Oh, he's a hero. This is his evolved state is that he's achieved dad smell.

What potential, what potential reason could he possibly have for rubbing? Extend your, extend your everyone listening at home fun highlights activity for the listeners at home. Extend your middle and index fingers and then rub them around your neck and then smell them. What do you get? I'm good. I don't get anything from that, but I haven't evolved this like super sense. Just tweet whatever that smells like. Hashtag next smell. Hashtag MB and BAF. I, if I were this dad, every time I did it, I would just say like number and then days, like rub my neck three days and then just go on about my business. My blood pressure is 110 over 75. Not bad. Not bad. I got that entirely through my

extra sensory double smells. Maybe he's been told by a doctor or other professional that he's going to lose his sense of smell. Like it's, he's got some sort of like, live like your smell sense was dying. Like he has, it's like a progressive loss of smelling and he just wants to savor it all. Like he doesn't want to, I don't want to miss the smell, you know? Does he work for Yankee candle? Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh yeah. Wait a minute. Okay. Okay. I got it. He works at Yankee candle, but Yankee candles become stale, right? Like fresh sheets, pine cones, burnt apples. We got it all. There's no smells that we have no hair. Yeah, we got all the smells. We need, we need a smell pioneer. Doug and Doug

like kicks in the door. He's like, I've got the new way of smells. And they're like, tell us around. He's like, I need time to research. You can't rush this. Doug, you have one month. I want a new candle on my desk in one month. Everything he pitches is finger in something. Finger in neck. I got one. It's called dad's neck. No, Doug. Stash after ice cream? No. No, that one's not going to do it. Steering wheel? Close. Finger in steering wheel? Nailed it. Nailed it. Well, this is, this is, this is the problem, right? He has this probiscus, this, this, this dad tendril, right, that he uses to collect his smells and bring it to his ova positors. And that's great and all, but I think he is going to

experience some severe cross contamination. Like every, it's going to be dad neck and also your finger and like everywhere else your finger is, unless he has like some sort of little bag that he carries with him that he dips his fingers in between smells to sort of cleanse the palate. Some kind of smell sorbet. Yes, exactly. Exactly. How do you think, this is, this is a legitimate question. If you go into a clothing store, they've obviously been inspired by the fashion magazines, the fashions of gay parry, the runways, the lights, the glamour, maybe Hollywood, avant-garde, art, edge, outsider's fashion. Holy shit. Okay. Those were all, obviously, those are all applicable hashtags for our podcast. That's how, that's how, that's how that works. If you are

someone at Yankee Candle, how do you, like a scent executive, okay? How do you keep, like, how do you get out there in front of what people will be smelling tomorrow? Like, how do you, how do you decide what the sense of the future will be? This winter, it's all beach sense. I want this sand. I want linen. I want reeds. People watch the news. They see a lot of heart break, a lot of downtrodden souls. They want lilac. Get me new dog smell. I want new dog smell. Think outside the box. I don't think so. So inside the box smell. Who doesn't love that? This summer's all about cinnamon teddy grams. I think you guys are looking in the wrong direction. I don't think the smells of the future are going to come from the future at all. I think they're going to come

from the past. Oh, retro smells. You mean ones they didn't sell? Well, yes, but also, like, deep in the back. Stale cigarette diner. Stale cigarette diner is a great one. Are you kidding me? I love that smell. When I walk into, like, a building, and usually in, like, Kentucky, and it's like, oh, this show needs, used to get lit up. Ooh, what about what, how about a candle called Cold War Panic? And it just smells like the underside of a desk. No, further, further, I want one that's, how about a candle called Cuneiform? Ooh, witch hunt. Witch hunt, great. And that one can have, like, witch hazel in it. And, well, when you get it to the bottom, just a burned poppet. Oh, that's very sad. There was a candle company that was in a shark tank,

and they had, and it was the man candle, right? So it was like, I'm sorry, was it not Mandel? No, it was man candle, because that sounds like man handle, which also sounds like man candy. And then that smells like John Candy. And now that I'm thinking about it, that's another good candle smell. Yeah, who's Harry Crumbcake? Thank you, Griffin. They have a whole range of different scents for men. Like, golf course is one. Not a smell. Not a none. Bacon, new car, and then my favorite, fart. Oh, why? What could? I'm not one to judge, but come on, grow up. I am, I don't know how I'm gonna obtain this information before next week's recording. I don't know how I'm gonna obtain this information, but I guarantee this is, this is, I'll stake my career on this. That

fart is by an enormous majority, their bestseller, by an insane majority, their bestseller. Like, 96% fart. That's all fart. You think farts the hottest one? I think farts the hottest one, because we can't keep them on the shelves, Mr. Spencer. If I want them in my store. Well, yeah, you're gonna, obviously the distribution channel possibilities for fart candles are infinite, but not only that, if I only have enough money to buy one of those candles, and I know in my heart of hearts, I'm never ever going to patronize an establishment called Man Candles ever again, which one of those am I gonna buy? Or to put it differently, which one of those am I gonna regret not buying for the rest of my life? And it is, of course, fart candle. Which one do you want

people to see on your shelf? And if it says Man Candle and anything but fart, they're like, oh, that's really stupid. Yeah. I want to move on because we've been talking about smells for a while and I feel like smells are 50% of listening to podcasts, as they say. But talking about the dad with his finger smells, it tossed me tossed me back in time. Did it? Tossed me back in time and it brought up a vivid, vivid memory, possibly a life defining memory. And I was at Michael's and we were all kids. And Justin, you were there and mom had just checked out at Michael's and the two of us were there. She just bought some, I don't know, probably some cross stitch supplies. And we just walked out past the register and we were in sort of the Michael's breezeway.

And you put your fingers just like on my nose, middle and index, like you were doing some sort of salute, only you put it right on my nose. And the smell was bad. It was a bad smell. And you said, doesn't that smell like ketchup? And I said, what? And then I looked and you showed me that you put your fingers in your armpits and then you smell them and you said, my armpits smell a lot like ketchup. And I thought it's over between the two of us professionally are over. So one, I just kind of wanted to get that story out there because I feel like talking about it is going to be the best way to move on now that it's over. Well, that's fine. That's good. I've repressed the hell out of that apparently. I haven't. I have successfully

until just this moment. So I guess the second thing is maybe this dad produces a lot of interesting smells. Maybe maybe maybe that maybe his armpits do smell like a rotation of condiments. Maybe his mustache does smell like fart. I don't know. I have two questions. Yeah. One, when was this ball parking for me? Oh my god. You were not as young as you probably wish you were. I'm gonna say you were probably 14 years old. Okay. So that would have put you to about seven. Here's one weird thing about it. I was not a ketchup fan back then. No, no, not at all. I wonder how it had such a good reference point. Well, your body's changing. Your body's maturing in ways you probably didn't understand. Oh, that's a good candle smell puberty. Yeah. Yeah. Two question for you, Griffin. Yeah.

Did it? Can I say something? Yeah. No, homie. It didn't. Like, I think you just wanted to give someone a smell. I think it was like, I think it was, listen, none of the three of us picked on each other really at all. And I feel like that was your feeble attempt at a prank. It's like the best I could muster. Well, we did throw baseball bats at each other. Well, that was less a prank. But that was, that was good. That was like pure of heart kind of games. We just didn't understand consequences. Yeah. Or rules. The mechanics weren't sophisticated for Taste My Steel. How about another question? Hi, brothers. I play on a Sunday recreational dodgeball team, and there is a girl on one of the teams who is beautiful. Time slowed down when I passed her

in the gym the other day. She's a warlock. My team. She's a cronomancer. It's no big deal. She is a lovely lady and seems like she's got a great personality, and also she can dilate the universe. Which seems unfair in dodgeball terms. Yeah. A little bit. A little bit. Maybe I want to talk to the ref on that one. Come on, ref. She's dilating the universe. My team is playing against hers in three weeks. How do I execute the dodgeball meet cute? Do I try to get her out every time? Catch her throws and wink as I do it? Please help. I have you guys ever been to like an adult like a dodgeball game? No. My friends here in California are in a dodgeball league. It's terrifying. Yeah. It's chaos. I would imagine. Yeah. And like, I see people get seriously

injured doing it. I just want to make it clear. It is intense and it's scary. And like, if you, like there's no glass, you know, you're, you're there. This is like arena. I should hope there's no glass. Well, I mean, like there's nothing protecting you from the action. Oh, you, the observer are worried about that. Yeah. Yeah. I guess so. Yeah. Yeah. I guess that's a good. That's a good muscles like perfectly tense though for the moment when one comes rocketing at you and you just like one hand catch it and they're like, yes. Well, that's how I became the chosen one. More likely is a dodgeball would hit Travis in his face and break every bone in his body and kill him instantly like the mom in a prayer for Owen Meany.

Whoa. Spoilers. Don't. Yikes. It's I just don't think you just shouldn't like you just shouldn't do this thing. If you, if you see someone that you are interested in like, you know, go up and talk to them or whatever, but we, we, we've done almost like we've done so much of this show now and our position of don't have an artifice for your like romantic approach is pretty firm. All you have to do is what you've got here. And I think what makes this different from a lot of the times we've gotten this question is like you have a thing to talk about after the game is over. Like you, you can just walk up and say, Hey, good game. Like you guys did great and like start a conversation with her. Like, do you want to, do you want a juice box or maybe a little

heavy juice box of orange slices? Like you don't have to like manufacture this. Is it like she works at a place and you want to, like you're both there doing the same thing. Now the only time that you can't do this is if your team beats them like mercilessly, like there's no, like they got mercy. I don't know if you can mercy someone. And then you walk up and say, Hey, good game. Yeah, but don't say like that. A good game. Good game. I guess. Are you telling me, Travis, are you suggesting, am I hearing what I'm hearing? Are you saying this person needs to take a dive? Well, no, you have to make it look missing their shots. You got to make it look, you got to sell it. You got to take a dive, but you can't, your team can't get beaten mercilessly

by them. It's got to be close, but they need to win by like, you know, one down to their last player down to two, that one player takes you and the other, maybe you bump the other player. You know what I mean? It's got to be close. You're assuming his team has a winning chance at all when this woman can just point at people on your team and instantly age them 70 years. Yeah, but she can maybe do that once or twice before the wrath is going to notice. You can throw a ball at her. She can turn your blood to dust. Yeah. What chance do you have or turn you into a baby? Oh, hey, what's up? Good game. You're looking pretty good. Time slows down when I'm around you. My secret. She says, and then all of a sudden you're a baby.

And then you just collapse. Not collapse. You're just going to squish to the ground. Maybe. Or maybe you just get like two years older and you age out of the league. But like imagine what an amazing opportunity that would be. I mean, think about it. To become a baby again. Just think. Would you have your baby again? Would you have your memories and like all of your experiences? Yeah. Yeah, it would be like button man, curious to name a button man, but it would be you would have all your experiences, but you would be raised by a dodgeball team. Would my wife be forced to care for me in this area? That's a good point. Can my wife become a baby too? Because I don't want to. Good question. I really don't want to go through the whole rigmarole

all over again. Yeah, the whole production. Well, but if we could start dating from baby on, that's solid. How long have you and your wife been together? About 260 years. What? Yeah. See, we met this chronomancer in the intramural dodgeball league and she gave us basically like four trips back to the past. And how do you guys keep it fresh? Well, we just turned back to our like young, totally bodacious bides. Like I don't. That is, of course, how we keep it fresh. What's your problem? I just don't do this. Like don't do it. I know that you're probably setting us up for like jokes, but we've realized over doing this show 264 times. Is that right? Yeah. 264 times. That like there's too much of this reality in the world. Like there's too much of this happening

really for it to be particularly hysterical. Right. Maybe just go talk to her or don't. Yes. Don't like try to arrange or be like, I played so good she's going to notice or like, oh, I bumped it. No, just like walk over and say hi. Just hi. Hey, good game. That's a win. You talk to a person. Good job. I haven't done that. And when was Max FunCon? That was probably the last time. That was June. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. There was a, I met the first new person I met in like weeks at Charlie's party and he was a, would appear to be a 10 year old little gentleman. Someone Charlie knew that you hadn't met. Yeah. Just like a little 10 year old gentleman and he walked into a room. This is amazing. I don't know who this kid was.

I'll never see him again. He walked into a room where me and a few other adults were checking our phones. This little 10 year old kid walks into the room and he says, so I guess we're all on our phones, huh? That is not a baller ass shit. And then he pulls out his phone and he barely has it pulled out when Sid calls from upstairs. Hey, it's time to cut the cake. And he slides his phone back. No look. Slides his phone back into his pocket says, huh, guess I'll play family guy later. What's up the room? Are you sure it wasn't an angel? I wanted to try to catch him. And then when I rounded the corner, he was gone. But like, I just wanted him to teach you like, how did you do it? You've already got this figured out. You're

10. Huh. Guess I'll play family guy later. Maybe he started listening to my brother, my brother and me when he was four. Yeah, we could hope I guess. Let's go to money zone. Guess what underwear I'm wearing right now. Travis, you guys first. Cheetah print. Incorrect, Griffin. What if they were trick question, two pairs of shorts? Yeah, trick question. They're all I wear. Meundies.com is committed to making the world's most comfortable underwear. That's why they're the only brand of underwear I ever wear. And unless you're my wife, you'll never be able to prove otherwise. And listen, no joke, I wore some like off brand non underwear. I'm glad we're confessing. I went to the gym

wearing these non me on these underpants. And it was an incredibly unpleasant downstairs experience. Yeah, I'm mine. Yeah, dude, my shit turns into a day go by when I wear that wool, that scratchy wool. Mine's more of cashier. I got willies down there. Oh boy. Willies for days. Willies for days. Man, you just in what Star Wars planet is your genitals like? Right now we're offering 20% off your first order when you go to meundies.com slash my brother. And if you don't love them, get this, your first pair, it's free. You could be walking around wearing free underwear that you hate. Just think about it. Or that you lied or that you lied about hating. Okay, you lied about hating. But then you can never buy another pair because then they'll

know and they'll come looking for you with interest. If you lie in you, no question. If you lie about hating them, it will activate the micro bombs and the fibers and I'll blow your dick up for your vagina up and then your genitals will be like Alderaan, the planet that Darth Vader destroyed at the beginning of episode four. Hey, this is a neat this is a neat little Jumbotron sponsor. I want to tell you all about ear trumpet labs. These are distinctive great sounding microphones hand built in Portland, Oregon. These mics are made of plumbing parts, kitchenware and top notch electronics have been chosen like acts by acts like the Decemberists, Jason Mraz and even Tim McGraw. Oh, shit. That's awesome. They're perfect for musicians, recordists and podcasters of all

sorts. And you can check those out. Go to ear trumpet labs.com to check out these microphones are going to be important. Assuming we can check those out. That sounds really neat. Yeah, I want to see what those look like. Yeah, that sounds really cool. I want you to know I'm looking at them right now. They're awesome website. They're beautiful. Yeah, they're gorgeous. They're gorgeous. I got to get one of these. They're awesome. Another message here. By the way, if you want to get one of these messages, you can go to maximumfund.org forward slash Jumbotron. We are backed up for quite a ways. But you know, get so get in early. If you think you might meet somebody special, go ahead and give them an anniversary message now. And it should work out just fine. Got a message

from Cecily for Brian says happy 40th birthday sexy knickers. I hope this year is amazing for you. Being your lady makes me smile every damn day. I am so lucky to have you on my life because you're kind of awesome. Keep up the good work not marrying or impregnating me. Side note, you have old balls. Seriously, they're like 67 and drawing full social security benefits. Justin, I love that it went from sexy to sarcastic to Nicholson. Full Nicholson, perfect Nicholson impression. This is the best message we ever received because it allowed me to fully, finally harness the power of my perfect note, perfect Jack Nicholson impersonation for the kids out there. Jack Nicholson was in Wolf. Hey everyone, we're the Flop House,

one of the newest additions to the maximum fun podcasting network. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. And I'm Elliot Kalen. What is the Flop House? You may very well ask. We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. A bad movie podcast. Isn't that like every fifth podcast on the internet? I'd answer that by saying one, we've been doing this show for over seven years long before the entire premise of our show was a cliche. And two, shut up. Sick burn. I'd say that our show is more of a comedy podcast. A podcast about words that sound like other words. A podcast about me singing long irritating songs like this one. A podcast about pitches for a Ziggy comic book movie or discussions about sex tarps. Yeah, I mean, mostly it's a show about three friends just hanging

out and talking about ding-dongs. That's mostly used to. Wait, what? So if you like any of those things, subscribe in iTunes today or visit maximumfun.org to follow the show. The Flop House. Hello, brothers. My girlfriend is sick. She and her family take an immune boosting supplement that dissolves into water to make a rather unpleasant citrusy drink called airborne. As a stuck up know-it-all who reads about science, I'm aware there's no way to actually boost one's immune system. And that whatever benefit they're getting is from, from said dissolving tablet is pure placebo. Should I confront my sick girlfriend and her family about how they're being swindled out of tens of dollars every year? Or should I stay quiet and prevent sounding smart while

they're in pain? That's from not a doctor in Delmar. Okay, one, and I mean this question sincerely. I know that airborne doesn't cure you or make you better, but isn't getting vitamin C and stuff good for you? Yes, of course it is. This is what I'm talking about. This is the psych doctor mispronouncing fruit. Of course, eating vitamins makes you healthier and it cures your sickness. That's one of one stuff. Well, it doesn't cure it. It does. You eat a bunch of vitamins and take airborne. It doesn't make you better. You eat enough vitamin C and the vitamin C get into your body and they're orange when they get in there. And I imagine I'm like these big bulky spheres, right? Like each one's a big bulky sphere and they just run and they just tackle the

disease particles inside of you and then they carry them down to your bladder and throw them into your bladder like your bladder's a jail for like disease molecules and shit and then you just pee it out. Oh goodness. That's all. Get sitting on the call. She'll back me up on this. She will not. Not even vitamin C either. You can take a shot of B12 and B12. I imagine more like sort of red and cylindrical like bullets like kind of like cool guys and they get into your blood, right? And the vitamin C doesn't go into your blood. It's mostly in your tummy and then it's like I said throws them the viruses into your bladder. But the B12 goes into your blood and they're these like sharp, fast aerodynamic red capsules and they just kill the disease right

there. They don't take them to jail. They just like go right through and kill them. Griffin, is the B12 the loose cannon cop or is the vitamin C the loose cannon? Which one is like more nonsense? Vitamin C is more just sort of like brute strength. Imagine them as like the offensive line for your body and your body, your brain is the quarterback but your brain can't do the things that, the functions that it needs to do if it's got a bunch of defensive linemen tackling it all the time. So what do you need? You need a strong barricade between them and you and that barricade is these vitamin C balls. And what does wheatgrass do? Wheatgrass is like a sort of the offensive coach, right? They're not like in charge of your body because your brain

is also the coach of your body. But wheatgrass gets in there and it's like hey, blood, do better. Hey, they're bones. You can stand up straighter than that. So, none of this is true. And so, second, give me, give me other healthy things so you can put your body and I'll tell them exactly what they do for you. Because we now have to make up for the pseudoscience bullshit that this person just spewed. It wouldn't be a successful product if it didn't work first off. No, I mean, like, okay, here is completely my, just completely my, my own experience that has nothing to do with anything. Sydney says that none of those work and I still take them because I believe, you know?

You clap real hard like metaphorically speaking. I believe that's the important thing. I believe. I think Sydney might just have a vitamin dragon in her body. No, I don't think so. I will say that you should know that like you get most all the vitamins you need from like food you eat and stuff. Yeah, but when you're sick, you need extra vitamins. You don't. You don't. Because you, when you're, okay, I'm not saying airborne cures anyone here. I want to make that clear. Airborne literally, literally had to pay $30 million because they said they were a cold busting formula and they don't bust shit. Well, they don't. But when you feel bad is because you don't have enough vitamins in your body. It's like when your

battery's weird down, right? Right. And you got to put in new batteries to feel better. That's a good point, Travis. I didn't even mention that. When these vitamin C, these super muscular vitamin C defenders get into your body, they don't just like attack the, they don't just grab onto the viruses and like pull them down out of your body. They also charge you up and they get you feeling really good. And so if you're ever tired, whenever, did you guys know everybody goes to sleep every night? Everybody knows that. What you may not know is that if you just keep taking vitamin C throughout the day, you can stay awake forever. And don't, don't the fluorescent lights, the fluorescent lights steal one of your vitamins,

right? Yes. Fluorescent lights take like vitamin K or something like that. One of those, one of those great vitamins. They pull the potassium out of your body. You know what? In my life, one of my biggest disappointments as an adult is that this concept of like health potions and stuff that I developed from playing like Zelda. Yeah. That there is no, like I always thought like coffee would be a thing that like I feel down, you drink it and you feel like whoop, whoop, whoop. And it would be like magic, you know, or like when you felt bad that there was some kind of medicine you could take where it's like, oh, I feel great. Fish oil. Fish oil, Travis. Imagine your body is just a series of water

slides taking nutrients from point A to point B. I don't know why your body decides to produce these nutrients at the opposite place from where they are required, but just stay with me. Your body is a series of water slides, blood slides, food slides, bone slides, muscle slides, right? And it's all, your nervous system is just a bunch of slides for electricity, okay? So that's, that is, that's just all true. And imagine that you are, let's just say like a potassium protein on a bone slide, getting ready to go, oh, they need me down the tibia, better get down there and you hop in. But then you, you hear like a noise and you feel in a discomfort in your thighs because there's no water, there's no water running down this slide.

I'm trying to get down the tibia. There's no way I'll make it down there because this, this isn't slippery at all. Fish oil is the water for the water slides of your body. Okay. You just splice splashes on there and then wee, down you go. And it's good for your, your myelin sheaves. All of that is, all of that is textbook true. So moving on, ready for it, maybe a yahoo. Justin, it seems like I wasn't really engaging you with my, with my tails. It's just your lie. I mean, it's just lies. And it's like, and it's not like a goofy thing either. It's not like you're telling people lies about like their car, like a little extra sugar in there will really help the engine. Like, yeah, I mean,

yes. Well, like it's their one human body. Like, what if they take it seriously? Hold on. Now, I don't want to jump in here with my pseudoscience. But I truly believe that if you hit like maximum, like potential vitamin intake, you can body jump. Sure. That's what the movie Looper was about. Exactly. That's how they avoided the, I can't even say it. Do you guys want a yahoo? Yeah. Yeah. This yahoo was sent in by Game Recognized Game, Rachel Sperling. Thank you, Rachel. It's by yahoo answers user Abdul, who asks, how do the UFC get your number? I was just wondering, because a lot of UFC fighter says one day the UFC rang them and asked them if they'll fight.

Hey, Justin. Hey, Justin, it's me, UFC Commissioner Gordon. Gordon. UFC Commissioner Gordon. And I, it's time to call you up for the big show. We got you fighting Steeljaw Gordon. But my brother. My brother. Commissioner Gordon, I haven't punched anything in weeks. There's no way I'll be ready. Not since the accident. Not since I lost my punch and get a black checkmate. I've just been smelling since then. Let me, listen, we can get you back into fighting shape. Just eat all these eggs, shell and all. Full of vitamins. Full of vitamins. Let me explain how it works. Your muscles are basically a bunch of water slides. All right. Montage. Montage. Montage.

You're in the fight. Um, how do you, but, but this is, this, this fun fantasy that we just whipped up is just that, unfortunately, Justin. It's just a fantasy because I don't think you are in the UFC. Rollo decks. Yeah. Well, I, I tweet my number to pretty much everybody in the UFC, so they should be able to find it with a little bit of Googling. Justin, when you turned 18, did you register with the selective USB service yesterday? When you were, when you were 11, did an owl come down your chimney? Congratulations, Justin. You're a punchard. A what? You're a punchard, Ari. You got to go study at punch wards. We're not very creative with the fiction. Come with me to punch a gun alley. It's where you'll buy all your fighting supplies. This alley sucks.

This alley, this alley is just people beating the shit out of each other in an alley. Have fun. Harry goes back and he's, during the summer, he's like accidentally uses his powers of the Dursleys, which I'm, which I mean, he becomes abusive and just hits them. Like, no, you suck. Like this sucks. You're punching our aunt and now you're punching dirt, Dudley. Now, Harry, I have to tell you, when you were a baby, you were attacked by heat. You must not be punched. No, you don't, you don't understand. They were dementors. You punched each of them like 16 times. Yeah. Dementor would like get in front of them and then he would dissipate just as my punch was going to connect with his spectral body, but my punch would go through because that's how I

learned how to punch. You punch, you punch through the target and then my aunt was on the other side. And I cast expecto punch tronam. You just put your keys between your fingers. Yeah, it's a spell. It's a spell. And let me tell you something. I'm feeling pretty magical right now. Officer. Officer. Dumbledore. How does the UFC get your number? They probably just call people until they find somebody who knows you, right? Oh, you think it's cold calls? Yeah. Like, do you know somebody who knows somebody who knows Dana White? Hey, can you put me in touch with Justin McGraw? I've heard good stuff, but I can't seem to find his contact anywhere. No, I'm saying there's a phone tree. Dana White

calls two people. They each call two people. And eventually that spirals out until he gets the person he wants is what I'm saying to you. Oh, I was picturing like a call center where people were like just like ringing your number and saying, hello, this is Deborah calling to see if you might be interested in punching people for money. Oh, you don't have time for the call. I understand. Is there a time that we could call you back later about punching people for money? I'm getting this. I've recently been getting this telemarketing call and it's a robo call, I guess, where a man just says in a very authoritative voice, as soon as I answer, the first thing he says is, do not hang up the phone. And it's like, that is not usually my first insult. Like, I answered.

Hello? Hello? Oh, God. What? You don't have to sell me on not hanging up on you instantly. Like, that battle's won. I got a, I got a recorded message the other day in which they had recorded in us and irms and stuff to make it sound and it was like, uh, hey, this is like, you know, what is it? Deborah again. Hey, this, uh, hey, this is Deborah calling. Uh, I was just calling to see if you might be interested in a cruise. And I was like, what? Uh, and, and hung up. I was very off, but you glad you cracked that case of the travel for us too late. You could have been having a very a very, uh, sobering moment out there on the keys where you just sit up, you look out the porthole and you say, wait a minute, that was over too long. They can track you. Right. Um,

do you guys ever think about what your UFC fighting specialty would be? Cause that's what's so striking to me about the UFC is that there's just, there, there are so many different ways to fight another person. There are a lot of people, there are a lot of punchers, there's a lot of throwers, there's a lot of grabbers. There's a lot of really popular ones like a twisties, like a twisty situation where you grab a person and you just twist them all up and you twist yourself around them. And they don't know, they try to punch you, but they're trying to use your arm because they don't know who's where they stop and where you begin. I think I, I would probably be recognized as like a mind changer. You don't want to punch me. Hit once. What? You don't want

to, but that's what I thought. That's what you're like a mentalist. No, I mean, like I get punched once and I'm just like, Oh no way. I don't want to do this anymore. Oh, I thought, Oh no, no, no, sorry, sorry. Let me out. Please open the door. Please, please open the door. Let me out. I would probably do something pretty manipulative. Like I would probably do sort of a runaway jury style, calling people who know him and convincing them that I'm a good dude and then tell them like, Hey, if you really think I'm a good dude, could you pass that on to Punch and Darryl, my opponent for this week? Sure, no problem. Then when I get in the ring, he's like, man, I've heard from a lot of people, you're a solid guy. I'm not going to be able to punch you.

And as soon as he finishes that sentence, I turn it to him and I rear my fist back, right? Like and really flex my muscles and say like, I can't punch you either. And then the UFC is like, what? You've solved the riddle. And Dana White comes out and gives me a billion dollars in the key and he puts me in the wall conveyor and we fly out the roof of the place because I solved it. He's, everybody's been punched. The lights come on as there's just mannequins in the crowd. Ron and Ronda Rousey is like, where's my, where's my money for, for the fight? Where's, where's all the payments that you owe me for the fights? And Dana White says, you get nothing. You lose. You punched the other woman in the face. He stole fizzy lifting drink. You get

nothing. Good day, Rhonda. That does explain why Ronda Rousey floated up through the giant fan at the end of her last fight. That's how she burped. Yes, Travis. Still have gotten, not gotten much traction from my, let's organize a Pokemon fight between Griffin and Ronda Rousey. Although I do have this theory. You guys want to hear it? She's obviously the best fighter in the whole world right now. And I'm starting to think her poke knowledge sort of plays into that because she sees someone coming at her with a kick and like she has this like built in matrix of strengths and weaknesses in her brain for real life fighting. And I think that matrix was developed over years and years of memorizing type matchups in the Pokemon universe. So if someone goes for a kick,

she immediately thinks like Maychan and like... Or she has like a, maybe it's like a mnemonic device where she's like kick, kick, kickmonchan. That's not one of the names. I've just brought shame to myself and my family. Listen, that's gonna do it for us on our podcast. We hope you've had a lot of fun. We know we have really enjoyed ourselves and we hope you've had a blast. Listen, we're on something called the Maximum Fun Network. It's a network of podcasts includes another one we make called The Adventure Zone. One Travis makes called Bunker Buddies about how to survive disaster. And there's a ton of great stuff on there. We make one called The Adventure Zone. And my wife and I make one called Sawbones, The Mental History Show. It's a great network,

but I want to... And I'm producing one called Can I Pet Your Dog. Oh yeah, it's just launched. All about dogs. One of the new shows. But today I want to recognize one of our sister podcasts, I guess you could say. The Flop House and say a special congratulations to Dan and Elliot from The Flop House who just did their... John Stewart's last show was this week, so coming into the era for those guys. I know it was a... I'm sure it was an emotional time, so I just wanted to send him an atta boy. One to Stewart too, his annual wrangling days at The Daily Show come to a close, but I'm assuming, I don't know if he'll keep him on or not. But I just want to say, hey, way to go guys. And if you haven't watched it, both of them appear

in that episode. Yeah. We also want to say thanks again to Meandies who are dedicated to offering the most comfortable underwear. If you go to meandies.com slash my brother, you can get 20% off your first order. And really, if you haven't already done it, you just don't understand how your genitals could feel. Like your genitals could feel real good right now, if you just had meandies on. It says all of this in the copy. I don't think it does. I'm reading it right now. It doesn't. It says make sure to compare people's genitals to Star Wars planets. I want to say thank you to Daniel and Brenna for sending us some beautiful printed Teen Google shirts. Oh, nice. Yes, they're gorgeous. And we've got... I've got one for all you guys. Sweet. So you can...

I'll give those to you. Thank you to Anya and Michael for the beautiful art you sent along. So thank you. It's gorgeous. And I will treasure it. Thank you. I'll save it and I'll give some to the boys too. It's gorgeous stuff. If you have anything you would like to send our way, you can send it either to Justin's, the East Coast HQ, which is... P.O. Box 54, Huntington, West Virginia, 25706. Or you can send it to the West Coast HQ, which is P.O. Box 341769, Los Angeles, California, 90034. Speaking of Los Angeles, we've got LA Podfest coming up. We're doing a Live My Brother, My Brother Me and the first ever Live Adventure Zone. If you go to lapodfest.com, you can use the coupon code brother or zone and you could watch it live

from anywhere in the world. So a lot of people have been like, oh, you never come to where I live to do live shows. Unfortunately, the world's pretty big and we can only do so many shows a year. But this is a way that you can watch the show live from... And not just our shows, all of the LA Podfest shows. There's some really, really, really, really, really good shows that I'm excited to see, like WTF with Mark Marin and the Giant Bomb Cast. They're doing a show. I'm psyched to not only like perform and do our stuff or whatever, but to see all the other stuff that's there. And you can get it with this streaming thing. If you use the coupon code brother or zone, you can save $5 and get all of that for only $20. So access to all the live shows for $20. And it also helps us out.

And I think it's going to be a super fun thing to watch. And we're really excited to do it. LApodfest.com. Oh, and by the way, those will be archived for a month. So if you can't watch when it's actually happening, no big deal. You can watch later. And so in three weeks, I know we're going long while trying to burn through this, but we're doing shows in the Pacific Northwest. Portland, those shows are sold out. Unfortunately, we're going to be there Thursday or we're going to be there Friday the 28th of August. Is that right? Yeah, that's right. Yes. And then Seattle, we're coming for you Saturday the 29th. If you are going to be in town for packs, you should come see us. You don't get access or anything with the

pack ticket. You don't need a pack ticket. We're like a totally separate thing. But if you're going to be in town, you should come down and see us. You can find tickets for that at bit.ly. forward slash mbmbam Seattle. And then the very next day, Sunday, August 38th, we're going to be in Vancouver. There's still tickets available for that one too. And get those at bit.ly forward slash van mbmbam. And if you're going to be at those shows, go ahead and start sending in questions now. Make sure to put like live show Vancouver or live show Seattle live show Portland in the subject line so we can tell which ones are for live shows and which one are for our every week shows. Yeah, start sending those in now. And we're also going to have some pretty amazing posters,

you guys. Oh my God, these posters are incredible. Brilliant. You can see them on our Facebook page or our Twitter. And they're really pretty. Make sure you bring a little money to the show to buy one. Some people ask if they be able for sale online. I really do not know. It just depends on how many we sell through at the shows. So get them if you want them there. I want to say thanks. A big thanks to John Rodgers and Long Winters for the use of our theme song It's a Departure off the album Putting the Days to Bad. It's such a good album, such a good song that they kindly just let us use. So go patronize them with money for their music. And thank you, John Rodgers and Long Winters. And that's going to do it for us. Griffin, do you have one final Yahoo that we can talk about just

to dwell on and ruminate on? Yeah, yeah. It was sent in by level 9000 Yadru, Druid, Druid, and Davenport. Thank you, Druid. It's by Yadru Answers user Robert who asks, Did dragons live before, during, or after dinosaurs? My name is Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. This has been My Brother, My Brother, and Me. Kiss your dad. Square on the lips. Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Hi, I'm Mark. And I'm Hal. And we're the hosts of We Got This. The show that offers definitive answers to dumb debates that you suggest.

Every Wednesday we discuss the hot button topics you never knew you cared so much about, like whether you should pick catch up on a hot dog. What's the best Star Wars movie? Whether it's better to be too hot or too cold. Coker Pepsi. Best Marvel movie. Which is the best religion? I told you we're not doing that one. So join us every week on Maximumfun.org. And don't worry, everyone. We Got This.