My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 267: Face 2 Face: Target Conditioning

Episode Date: September 2, 2015

We're back from the damp but loving embrace of the Pacific Northwest! Here's our Seattle show, which was a real hullabaloo, I tell you what.

Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up you cool babies? What's up? Familiar But not too familiar But not too not familiar It's a new craze

Hey good girls, do you wanna just say hey I wanna Just say hey I wanna I wanna Hey jumpa John Rodger, jumpa John Rodger Shit I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be worthless this whole show after that. John Rodger, one more time for John Rodger. He was like do you want me to play the whole song and we're like let's remember who's on the march.

Hey, hey calm down. Seattle, are you ready for a psychosexual journey with us? My name, we're all gonna come through the other end together. Yeah, we, yeah, this is my brother, my brother and me. It's an advice show for the modern era and I'm your oldest brother Justin McElroy. I'm your middle is brother Travis McElroy. And I'm your sweet baby brother Flopswet Magoo. I apologize for my shininess but you see I'm fucking terrified.

This is great though because the lighting allows me to only see the first ten people which feels right. Yeah, it feels like an intimate country shop show. Super attractive. Super duper attractive. I know something's gonna make you feel better Griffin. What's that? Hey baby I hear the blues are calling, toss salad and scramble eggs. Now wait, now hold on.

We had a fucking screaming argument about that. I mainly did that to irritate Griffin. Hold on, I want to jump in. Griffin's big argument against us referencing Frazier was, No, hold on. His problem was, oh everyone does that. You hurt them just now. He was afraid that he literally said every comic-

Exact. Not just comic- It's not just every comic- I'm saying fucking U2 comes here and plays at Bugaboo. What's the thing that they did? Bugaboo? No, what's the thing that they do at the bumbershoot? Is that here?

Woo! U2 plays a bumbershoot and they're like, oh right here we go. No, no, no. It's Trace Catoce. Hey baby I hear the- Get it you fucks! That was you guys! You guys were Frazier.

This is a true story I heard that the dog from Frazier was notorious for killing cats at the studio. There was a wrangler who had to stop him from killing cats on studio grounds. I like to think if a dog reaches a certain level of celebrity they can fucking kill as many cats as they want. Why were there so many cats at that studio? Seemed like he was doing a service. That dog had Alph's writer. Just like, I don't need six cats. What did you put?

Nice. Nice. So this is an advice show. Are there any people- I'm just gonna try to see. Are there any people please raise your hands? They haven't listened to my brother and my brother me before? And we'll try to hear the sounds of your fucking hands going on because we definitely can't see you.

Yeah, I can see you. I heard some armpits deploy. This is, if you are familiar with Dear Abby, it's basically like that. It's an advice show and that's- Within a reverent twist. Within a re- We bring our own twisted view, our own skewed perspective to every- Anyway, I have green eyes and strangers always compliment them.

They'll say something like, your eyes are so pretty. And then they'll say, let's get that a lot. I never know how to respond just saying, thank you? Or, I do get that a lot. Sounds conceited. How do I respond to these compliments? Do I compliment them back? And that's from Gmail.

Jocelyn, I want to say first that I really enjoyed your wistful reading of, you have such nice eyes. Like the rest of the sentences, my eyes are so bad. Would it kill you to shoot some of that our way from time to time? We've known each other for a while now. I just had word one about these peepers. Wait, look at me, Griffin. Dreamy.

Thank you. Justin. They're fine. I'll just be here. They're functional. Oh, sorry. Super good. Thank you.

Are you here, green eyes person? That's a lie. That's a lie, isn't it? That took way too long. Is that a pity? I don't want them to be awkward. Somebody out there has green eyes and they're like, this is my moment. Did I get super drunk and right into an advice podcast?

Was that me? Was that me? Can I just say, I personally love the move of going, thanks, I get that a lot. That's a power move. You have great eyes. I know. So do you at seeing my great eyes.

How observant of you to notice those must be fully functional peepers you got because they have definitely observed the masterpiece that I have going on here between brow and nose. There's got to be a like just a reusable phrase you can use for like, well, thanks for been growing them. No, here's the joke. This is the joke that I use when I get any kind of like nice hair, which I get a lot.

This fucking. Whoa. We're not deep enough into this. Oh, sexy. Wow. Yeah. This is the response. Thanks.

I've been working out. But you have to say it like this. I didn't say it right. Hold on. Let me do the liver better. Thanks. I've been working out. But like more natural than that.

You put a little Mike Myers stink face on it. I know it's funny too. And then by that time, hopefully the elevators opened and you could escape. Yeah, sure. Holy shit. Quick sidebar. Can we talk about that number one dude we met in the elevator last night? We were on the first floor of our hotel last night in Portland and first floor

and we were going up some Portland people that came up to this show. That's like 70% of the fucking audience. No one actually lives in Seattle. They doesn't like apparently truck yet. I commute for my comedy podcast. We're on the first floor. We had just gotten back from the show last night. Super late.

We were all super tired. The door opens up and we're buzzing up. And we're going to the sixth floor and there's a dude just in it. And we were like, Hey, he was like, this is going down. It was like, I assure you we're on the bottom of this building. There's no more building. And then the door closes because we're all very like passive people. And then opens again.

It opens again. He's like, Oh, I guess it's going up now. Like, yeah, we fucking had it. We press the right up, up, down, down, up, down, up. And then you can change the direction of the yellow. He did not say, I guess it's going up now. He said it's going up now as if we ruined it. Like he was trying to play it off as, Oh, no, no, I did go downstairs.

Made a mistake. It was very bad. I took care of what I needed to take care of. I did that downstairs and now I'm going up. You lost track of time. And then he got off the elevator. Where were you going? What was in the basement for you, sir?

I've got a boiler. I'm excited about it. There was a woman when Theresa and I got there and we got on the elevator to go to her room. We got there on bags and this woman, apropos, like we press the button, it's silent. She just turns to us and goes, consider this, you're Portland. Welcome.

And then turn back. And then we got off the elevator. Thanks. I feel so welcome now. Do you remember what the dude's shirt said? Because that was the best part. Oh, yes. Oh, it was professional sports.

Professional, professional championship. Professional championship. The two words. It's like, cool. Okay, wait. Imagine your mind a man in a shirt. Do you have it? We'll give you a moment.

Do you have it? Imagine his shirt has two words on it. They are in this order, professional championship. Okay. That's someone who's hedging their bets. Something. Because sports or business are both sports business. I think we answered the question.

I think we helped as best we could. Yeah. Does anybody here want a yahoo answer? Good. If you're new to the show, sometimes people, I was going to say we'll get yahoo answers to the show, but that's just not true. People get them for us. Like Rachel Sperling, game recognized game.

Rachel Sperling, are you here? Yeah. It would be concerning if you were, because you told us you were going to be, yeah. Recognize the game. This is Rachel's like seventh live show with us, and she just knows to stand up and wave because we'll make her do it if she does that. Recognize that game. Griffin, what's yahoo?

It's got a nice text from my wife. What's it say? It's no, don't worry about it. Travis, don't. It's private. Rachel Sperling sent this in. Thank you. There's a thousand people here.

Yahoo answers user, happy equine, who asks. Yeah. Yeah, we're doing that. It's one of them. Happy equine asks, desensitization, balloons? Go ahead. Desensitization, balloons? So, this is longer than our usual fare.

Buckle up. So, I wanted to start desensitizing my horse. I brought out a bag of potentially scary things to see what we would need to work on throughout the next few weeks. There was a shiny banner that he was great with. I could cover his eyes and wrap it around him, toss it, run around with it so it flapped, etc. Then I moved on to a large plastic flag. He was pretty nervous, but after about 15 minutes I was able to rub it on him, put it on his face, etc.

You need some more, Dennis. By the end of the day, I was even riding with it. WTC. What does that mean? Wait, hold on. One person. Walk Trot Cancer. Holy fucking shit.

We got a couple of horse heads in the audience. Well, they're probably not called horse heads. Okay, wait. Okay. Hang out after the show because I've got a lot of questions. I've been talking a lot of horse bullshit for a while. I need to know, is that so common a thing that you had to shorten it to save what? Listen, you're a horse trainer.

WTC saves one syllable. Okay. We'll talk after the show. We'll exchange business cards. Mine says my brother, my brother, and me. We know jack shit about horses, but we talk about them. You're a horse trainer. Oh, God.

I cannot imagine there are so many different levels that Walk Trot Cancer is just like, that's just step one. That's like 5% of it. What else is this horse doing? I know horses. They just don't bite you, and then they Walk Trot Cancer. That's it, right? That's like the whole thing.

I almost said triage, but I know that's not it. Dressage? What the fuck? There it is. All right. I knew it wasn't triage. I wanted that on the record. Horses are good at knowing who would die first in a horrible accident.

Will he survive? No. No. Please finish the question. Okay. This woman rubbed a fucking flag on a horse for a while. A lot of this question is about rubbing flags on horses. Then came the scary thing.

Balloons. I was slowly introducing it to him. My horse spooks mostly at sound, so I was practicing with noises. I would simply let out the air, and he went crazy. After no improvement, which he had quickly had with the other objects, I tried different sounds with the balloon. Everyone made him so scared. Very, just very scared.

So I stopped, not wanting to scare the bad G-bees out of him. Sorry, I fucked that up. Without wanting to scare the bad G-bees out of my poor boy. Anyways, how can I get him used to these noises without terrifying him? I will only do a little bit at a time, so I don't overwhelm him. But what are some of your ideas? It does not sound like that is the case at all. Yeah, it sounds like you put this horse through a gauntlet, a day-long gauntlet.

You're the fucking Marquis de Sade of all horses. What about these? He's French. Yeah, sure. Most Marquis are, I'd wager, maybe. I don't know. Anything. How important is it that when you're training a horse,

how important is it that it be completely without fear? Is that the ideal? If you're on it, probably pretty important. Super important. That's what they're teaching. They're not working on anything other than, I want this horse to be the horse without fear. No, I like this idea that you got a horse.

Bear Devil. That's good. Pretty good. You should keep doing that one for the rest of the day. Nice. A peach of a joke. In tandem. Here's the thing.

I guess what's most confusing to me is this idea of a fixer-upper horse. If you get the horse and it's not immediately good at whatever you need it to be good at, and you're like, but I'll desensitize it. How about you just don't make that horse do that thing? It's not good around balloons. That's how the horses cross the bear. Yeah. When God made horses, he was like, these things are perfect.

I got to do at least one. Hey, hey, come here. Check out this horse. Look, it's the awesome thing I made. Nailed it. Yeah, it's pretty good, right? Oh, sinewy and perfect and perfect. Super good.

This is my day. This is really good. I should make it like super afraid of one thing. How about balloons? They won't have to deal with it. I don't know, like 3,000. How long have horses been around? 200 years.

Trainers? Oh, gotcha there. Where are horses and balloons even interacting? They're not allowed at Times Square during the ball drop. Where they drop balloons? Never mind. Maybe like a cart that delivers balloons to some place. You show up to like a flaming lips concert with a horse.

They're like, nope, turn around. I was very upset. No one was more excited about the invention of the automobile than balloon salesman. Finally, a calm drive. Finally, a way to get these from A to B without it being a whole thing. So many balloon salesmen died from going over cliffs in runaway carts. Slow down, Brutus. I'm actively labeled as the hipster in any of the various friend groups that I have.

My friends expect me to only appreciate bands that they've never heard of. Well, yes, I do have some obscure tastes. I also have a pretty profound love for some modern pop artists. When my friends are acquaintances... When my friends are acquaintances hear me getting down with the latest club banger, they assume I'm listening to it ironically and mop me for it. How do I convince my friends to stop throwing shade? That's from subpar Seattle hipster.

Are you there? Hey, word up. I was hoping you'd be like... Can I give you some advice? That's why you're here. Stop using phrases. Like modern pop artists? Don't say that.

If you call it the latest club banger, you are indeed listening to it ironically. I don't know how to break it to you. Here are people who can use... You can use the term club banger unironically. Pitbull? Holy shit! Well, that's gonna do it. Travis, if you'd done that shit too, you could retweet it.

I'll do it now. We'll edit it in. Pitbull? The joke was that there wasn't another name after Pitbull, but... That's it. Even if Chingi was like... Club banger, you're like Chingi. Stop it. Can I say, this is one of those problems where someone says,

like, hey, everyone thinks this is about me, but they're wrong. The problem, like, sorry to call you out, but you're putting out something that makes everyone think that. Maybe they know something, you don't. Maybe you are listening to it ironically, so ironically, even you don't know. The deepest level of irony. They felt, yeah, you've crossed the rubicon of irony. Time to look in that deep, dark, truthful mirror and say,

do I really enjoy the new Carly Rae Jepsen album? Yeah, let's talk about Carly Rae Jepsen. No, let's not. I have heard that album straight through six times today. We measured our strength. I asked Griffin, who was driving the whole way, how far we were away when we were driving to Seattle today, and he said, we're about one and a half Carly Rae Jepsen's emotions away,

because that's all we listened to the entire drive. Our booking agent was backstage, like, is that album really good? Or it's like, people feel that way about me. No, it was real good. Making the most of the night. That was a good tune. Run Away With Me is another really good Carly Rae Jepsen song. Name one more really good Carly Rae Jepsen song.

It's like an emotion, favorite color. Probably do. Yes, big, a bunch of favorite color fans out there. Getting really sweaty again. Yeah. Do you guys want to y'all know? I feel like we didn't answer that question at all. We didn't answer that question really well.

Oh, man, but it's this question. I'm very excited about it. Okay. Send him by level 9000. Yeah, Drew Drew with Drew Davenport. I'm so excited. I read this one like a while ago. I was like, no, we're saving this one for Seattle,

because they've earned it. Because if anyone's going to get it, it's you freaks. Seattle audiences are the best audiences in the world. I've always heard that, Justin. I've always heard that. You know who told me that? John Roderick. Nobody rocks like Seattle.

Griffin, do you have a fucking question? Yeah. We can't stall any longer. Why were you on, please? I've been a Yahoo diver for so long now that I know how the system works. This person's name, who asks this, is anonymous, which means they're not anonymous.

They put anonymous into the name field. It is anonymous, the group. This is by the hacktivist group anonymous. The hacktivist, the black hat hacktivist group anonymous asks, if butterflies could speak for 24 hours, what do you think we could learn in those 24 hours? We must know. It's the only way Snowden leaning over his computer.

Oh, shit. What if Butterf... Oh, no. What if... Oh, no. What have I done? I've been flying all day. No, no, no.

That's Amelie. No, no, no. More or less. Wait, I haven't said any fucking answers. I've been visiting blush homes. You know what I found inside your blush homes? Secrets. So Justin doesn't really...

I put your blush homes outside your house, Mr. President. I've been out there with anonymous. Fucking Snowden is Amelie. Yeah, dude. I just realized that. I made Snowden small and shrunken down the sides of the butterfly. He was Amelie. He became Amelie.

Yeah. That'd be a great movie. You know... Whoa. Anyway, if butterflies could talk for 24 hours, what could we learn in those 24 hours? Probably a lot of, like, B racial slurs. Like, ones we don't even know.

Like, cool ones. We're not even aware of. All those honey butts. Honey butts? I didn't say they were nice or clever. Can I just say that typically, I don't use them, but racial slurs are typically not adorable. This is from Butterflies.

That's true. Yeah. Pollen suckers. Is that good? That's very good. Well, Butterflies pollinate, too. So that'd be... Well, okay.

No one asked your opinion fucking Bear Grylls. Keep it to yourself. I'm not... Keep it to yourself, Jack Anna. Maybe Butterflies would talk about how great it is to pollinate plants. Like, how... Oh, guys, you don't know this. I was all up in that daisy.

Oh, man. That daisy over there. I got deep in her stamen. Crush, crush that stamen, that pistol. Daisy's juicy. God. Gross. Those are bad two words.

I always like the assumption that, like, if animals could talk, what would they say? This idea of, like, they've got so much wisdom back there that I think most Butterflies would just be going... It's insane to think... Okay, it's so human-centric to think that Butterflies, could they talk, could really add anything to the human experience.

Like, they've probably got a lot of knowledge that's very specific to Butterflies. Oh, what's it all about? Oh, man, I've been waiting to tell you. Yeah. It's basically about I was a worm for a while, and then I squinched around, and then my butt felt weird, and then I was in a coffin, and I was... I was, like, some soup in a coffin, I guess?

Yeah, some soup in a coffin, I don't know. And I can't wait to see what's next. What do I transform into next? I don't know. What's next for me? I see big furry things walking around. Really excited to try that out. You pick pink fucks.

I would love to take a stab on these. I want to be whatever you tall people with glasses are. That would be dope. What if they only spoke Portuguese? I have nothing for you, Butterfly. I do not speak Portuguese. But it's that way. You got one day to get there, maybe catch a plane.

You can probably sink on a plane. I'll take you in my bag. Come with me. I'll take it in my bag. I fly to Portugal. Wait. Be free. Talk to you...

I bet Butterflies... I bet Butterflies... No, hold on. I want to live in the world where Butterfly is just stable, in the air, and Gryffins carry on for the entire flight. He's going... Over there! Portugal!

My home! While I was in your backpack, I caught some Pokemon for you. Remind me to turn my street pass on when we go back upstage, because I bet, yeah, my fucking 3DS will just melt. I bet Butterflies, after they've transformed, are just insufferable.

Yeah. They just think they're king shit of fuck bound, I bet. Oh, yeah. You realize I was a piece of shit worm, like a day ago. Listen, baby, I remember what it was like just being a worm, scooting around, but now look at me.

I'm up here zooming around, soaring with the clouds. I've got stained glass wings and a proboscis. What if... Why is Robert Evans a Butterfly? I remember when my wings first unfurled, and I thought, are these wings small,

but then I thought I'd tell you, flap them. I'll tell you, who loves wings? Miss Judy Garland. She was such a big fan, and she loved two things, booze, and these beautiful flappers behind me. Kept looking for a project to do together, never could work it out.

I only live for 24 hours. I think they live for like a minute. Super busy. Okay. Boop-a-boop-a-boop-a-boop-a-boop-a-boop-a-boop-a-boop-a-boop-a-boop. You did not prepare us for this. I just looked over at your computer and it was zoomed in and terrifying.

Ladies and gentlemen, this just in. It's a Haunted Doll Watch. Boo, people are billing. This is hot across the wire. This is coming in fast. coming in fast. I'm just trying to get these details together as I can. I just want you people in the audience to know and people at home. I will be spending the entire time just talking, trying to figure out which celebrity this doll reminds me of. It's a powerful witch named Ava. It's a spirit

vessel EMV, EMP, very active, very powerful. EMV and EMP? Both of them, Griffin. Yes, I'm just trying to get the details together. We've got a description here. Welcome for your consideration. She is a beautiful porcelain doll. For the Academy Award for best spookiest doll. A spirit vessel. And what an active spirit she is. Ava is very independent. She does things her own way. Do not try to tie this haunted doll down. She calls herself a wild woman, a witch, untameable as the wind. This doll ghost? She inspires that aspect of our nature, reminding women to be strong. No, that's fucking awesome. No, no, no, no. That's fucking awesome. That's awesome, right? No, no, no. Make sure a woman looking at a haunted doll and going, you know what, you're right. Yes. I've been

waiting for the, yes. You know how right it is? It's like, who's your inspirations woman? Sally Radigas? Who's yours? A doll that lives in my house. I did figure out who this doll looks like to me, by the way. Excellent. I've been on pins and fucking needles. It's Gina Davis in Beetlejuice. Yeah. Yeah, I can see that, actually. For sure. Anyway, she inspires that aspect of love herself to be strong. She will not tolerate misogyny or bigotry. It's a fucking cold doll. She is a fierce protector, a healer, and she will bless your home with strength and protection. She says it's time for her to move on to grace another home with her presence and her magic. That's with a K. Who am I to argue? I'd love you to kick it here for a while, but if you say so. Steve, it's time for me to move on. I've got to

go inspire some other lady. You know what? You're right. You're right. Yeah. She doesn't want to go. You have to punch her in the face like in Harriet Henderson's. What? You weren't down here. She is a fierce protector, a healer who will bless your home. Okay. Who might argue? But I will miss her terribly. Are you the one she's looking for? Okay. I'll miss her terribly. There is a buy it now price of $59.99. This is all I'm saying. Listen, the new Call of Duty is coming out in a couple months. I got to make my piece of the market more I would love to trade my feminist power totem. This doll is also shot literally like it looks like they held like a flashlight under her chin. She's super great. And they take these pictures that have this like weird gold band across the front like maybe that's a spirit. I don't know. I don't know. I just think that $60 a real

I feel it is time to find new homes for some of the spirit vessels I've collected. This is the greatest short story I've ever heard in my life. I feel like I do not have enough time to devote to working with all of them. And it's unfair to just keep them on the shelf. This, okay, this guy or girl. Yeah, you're just assuming this person. Maybe it's adult too. Inception to what they're calling is to work with these vessels and they just got in over their head. Yeah, I've just got too many. I need to cut Eva. Sorry, Eva, your first quarter performance is a little disappointing. Yeah, I don't know why she she is stuck on JV and has to get sold on eBay. Feel free to ask any questions you have. I can provide additional pictures if you would like. I will be listing other dolls soon if you would like to look at them as well. As per eBay guidelines,

it must say this is for entertainment purposes only. Oh God, eBay, can you not fucking give us like a minute of fantasy from this shit ass world? You know what? Seriously, though, fuck eBay. No, but seriously, fuck eBay because do you know what it says about their perception of you that they're like, listen, you have to clarify that you're not selling a literal ghost. Like no fucking shit, eBay. Like, of course, it's a ghost. That's a crazy assumption for you to make because implicit in eBay's requirement for you to say this is an entertainment purposes only is a tacit endorsement of the existence of ghosts by eBay. And not at your ability to buy and sell them. Not even that. That if ghosts do exist, they like to kick it in dolls. I would do like a ghost. They'll go where the doll goes. They're easy. I'm a ghost, okay? When am I going to

have it? Wait, what? I'm a ghost. Am I going to have it like a stationary fake human, little human or like a bitch in Bugatti? Wait, hold on. We haven't checked Haunted Bugatti Watch. Yeah, it's so sad, Griffin Dyke. Yeah, it's pretty sad. But he's inhabiting a Bugatti right now. So he's actually pretty cool. He's worth more now. He's on the Pacific Coast Highway. You can't catch him. He's a very fast car now. I believe it's time for audience questions. That's what Tracy Chapman wrote that song about. Song Fast Car, she had a friend, became a ghost, became a Bugatti in like 1980. And we were driving, driving in my U. I was in U. Driving, this is how fast car goes. Good job, us in the past. Good job past us. Boy, I wish present us for that good.

Feeling a little off my game, traveling a little road hard and put down wet. You know what'll help with that, Griffin? What's that? Many bells and waffles. Yeah, we should mention, Justin's not here. We just got back from the tour that you're listening to now. And it was a rough day of travel for most of us. Yeah, a lot going on there. A lot of slip-ups, a lot of goof-em-ups. We're home and in one piece, but that is why the episode is so late. We're very sorry. As long as we're busting out the bad news, if you were really looking forward to hearing the energy that we could bring to a room in Portland, then shitty news. Because you won't. That audio did not turn out great.

Two-thirds of it did. Two-thirds of it turned out super good. Somehow Travis's audio didn't come through at all. Maybe we'll release that as a really bad bonus episode. Not for donors. Donors you deserve better than that. But it's just like, hey, if you want to consume every bit of garbage and errata that we can put out there, then here, enjoy an episode where it sounds like Justin and I are talking to each other and also a ghost. Now Griffin, you know what will help? People are sad about not being able to hear the Portland show. They should do what I do. Eat mini Belgian waffles. Eat your feelings away. Okay. How can I do that, Travis? Well, Greven, you want to go to Naturebox.com. Naturebox offers lots of snack choices, like the mini Belgian waffles that I mentioned earlier.

Strawberry eliminated fruit stores, sweet and salty nut medley, the Asiago cheese crisps, which are in fact my favorite. There's all kinds of stuff, and it's full of flavor, but you won't find any junk in that box. No junk in that trunk, you know what I mean? No junk. No podcast episodes where you can't hear one-third of the hosts. No junk. All the junk snacks? Guys, I'm kind of hung up on that now, Trav. I thought I was over it, but apparently not entirely over it. I had forgotten about it till you mentioned it. Cool day. If you would like to enjoy your first box of Naturebox snacks for free, you just have to go to Naturebox.com slash my brother and you get to try a box of their favorite snacks,

and then you're going to fall in love with it and just start ordering it from them. So go to Naturebox.com slash my brother and make that happen. And after you've fallen in love with Naturebox, you're also going to fall asleep because you're so sleepy from having a big bear tummy full of food. Time to hibernate, and best way to do that is on a mattress. Yep. That is historically the best way for humans to get sleep. I've got a mattress recommendation for everyone, and it's Casper, who just so happens is our sponsor this week. I sleep on Casper. It's amazing. I got it in the mail. It came in a relatively small box, then you open it up, and some kind of future tech just turned into a mattress. It went from a weird rolled-up plastic thing to a mattress. It was amazing.

You put three drops of water on it. You set a little wish, a little prayer, and then your energy expanded it. Anyway, I want to tell you about Casper. You go online, you buy it. They send it to you, like Travis said. It's real little, and then it gets big, and then it gets really comfy. If you're unsold on this whole concept, you can sleep on a Casper mattress for 100 days with free delivery and painless returns. After 99 days, you say, you know what? No. Casper was a ghost, and I find that a little too spooky to include in the bedroom. I've got to get rid of it. You can do that. You have 100 days to decide. Right now, you can get $50 towards any mattress purchase because you listened to our show. Just go to casper.com, slash my brother, and use the promo code, my brother, all one word, at checkout.

Terms and conditions do apply on that. Not sure what that means, but I do know as a hell of a mattress man. We also want to say a special message to Lucretia. This is from Maurice. Maurice says, happy birthday to my wonderful girlfriend, Lucretia. You are 100% the best thing that has happened to me. I love you. Also, having a name like Lucretia spawns a lot of nicknames. So, since she loves when you guys goof on a list, here are some of her nicknames. Crisha, Crisha, Crish, Lucky, Lulu, Lala, Ludacris, Luda, La Creature, and The Sugar. I'm not sure why the list continued after Luda, or why there was anything that preceded Luda,

because it's not even accurate, right? Her name's not Luda-Risha. I like The Sugar because it sounds like a deceptively sweet assassin. Her name is also spelled L-U-C-R-E-T-I-Z, and that's pronounced Lucretia. Maurice has informed us. It seems like you can just sort of have your way with that, though, right? If that's my name, if that's how I spell my name, it's Lucretiz. Well, that's a really great, like, DJ name. Hell yeah, it is. You know what else is? What?

Luda. Got another message here that was sent in for Nazneen and Ian. E-E-I-A-I-N. Or is that a lowercase L? Maybe it's Lane. Let's take it Ian. All right, Ian and Nazneen. It's from Courtney and Kyle who say, Congrats on your wedding, which we know we definitely had fun at. You two are the greatest humans, and what better way to tell you than by letting the McRoy brothers do it for us? The wedding was so great.

Yeah, I'm assuming they bought this message far in advance, which, by the way, if you want to get up on our show and tag it, then you got to go to maximumfund.org forward slash jumbotron and get your message in early because we're booked up pretty deep in advance and it's unfortunate, but that is why Courtney and Kyle kind of had to roll the dice on this one. But happy wedding. I bet it was beautiful, and I bet Courtney got a little too drunk.

Maybe, like, said some things in the video camera. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Courtney locked it down. Yeah? Do you think she started the dancing? I think she started the dancing. I think she was stone cold sober when she did. I think she was in full, like, sound mind and body. Just, like, got up there and nae nae'd all the night long. Just nae nae'd and whipped? Nope. Nobody whips anymore. Everybody's just nae nae'd,

and she nae nae'd all night long, even during the slow songs, during the father-daughter dance. Excuse me, Courtney. Could you just take a quick break? Just a two minute? No? Okay, that's fine. That's the breaks on it. What other shit do we have to talk about? Oh, big, big, big, big, big thanks to John Rodgerick.

John Rodgerick, you're the coolest dude ever for doing our intro just every week, but also at the Seattle Live Show specifically. That was a real treat for us. We also want to remind everybody that we have another Live Show coming up. If you're listening to this and thinking, I wish I could have been there. I wish I could see them live. We're doing a Live Show for my brother, my brother and me and the Adventure Zone at LA PodFest.

Yes. Now, here's the thing. You might be listening to this and thinking, but I'm nowhere near Los Angeles, and I don't want to go to that dump city. Okay. Well, that's mean. It seems mean, yeah. It's very mean of you, but that's fine. We love it.

If you go to... I love LA. If you go to LAPodFest.com and click on the live stream, the thing is, we're going to be live streaming all the shows from LA PodFest. You can watch them live. You can watch us do my brother, my brother, me and the Adventure Zone live from anywhere. LAPodFest.com, click on live stream, use the coupon code brother or zone, and you can watch them along with all the other shows.

The greatest thing is this. You don't even have to be at your computer at the time when the shows happen. They're going to archive it for like a month. So like you have 30 days to catch it. It's a great deal. Use the coupon code brother and zone. It saves you $5 and it helps support our show. We love it.

Oh no, I'm here boys. Like I'm on this side of the bench. Megan Amram talking about intimidating baristas. Just feel like they're always in character. Like they're always in character as like cool hipster girl. And I just want to break through that barrier. Plus every week we explore a new Wikipedia page and talk to a crazy expert in the field of nonsense.

Well, any hack can make you not have a boner. I mean, it's about how you do it. Right. You're the only podcast with regular updates about Martha Stewart's pony or your money back. We're not going to get them their money back. Are we? No, let's keep it.

Yeah, listen to our show every other Monday on maximum fun. Yay. Should we throw it to the audience for questions? So from time to time in our live shows, we throw it to the audience to get some questions from you. Can we get house lights? There is one rule. Yeah.

Do you know what that rule is? That's correct. You can't all yell it at once or else we can't hear. Just you, horse trainer. She doesn't know the rule. It's no bummers. It's actually emblazoned. If you forget, actually, we have a helpful mnemonic device.

Yeah. Our friends at Ear Trumpet Labs in Portland made us a microphone. It's a Josephine model. Mikey, you can see before you, it is emblazoned with the words no bummers. It's literally engraved on there in case you forget. A little bit more house. Super duper can't see.

Who feels that they have a great question? Short, fun, no bummer. Breezy. Right here. I saw it right there. I saw your, yes, you stand up. No, no, no, no. Right there.

Yes, you. Yes, you. Come on down. We pointed at somebody last night in Portland and three people started to walk down like, no, we almost left the stage. You can do it. You got it. Oh, shit.

We didn't think about this. Scooch. Scooch. These two kind of people right here. We're going to let you pass. It's like a whole thing. Scooch. Perfect.

Come on down to Josephine. I'm not scooching. Okay. Hi. Hi. Yeah, go ahead and move that out. Yeah, it's good. I like your initiative.

Thank you. Summer. Hi, Summer. Hi, Summer. Hello. Well, I'm here, so. Yep. Is that good or bad?

You said it in a bad. It's pretty good so far. Nice. Yeah. Well, I like that you left the window open against me tank at the end. So far, I don't want to say. Okay. So my question is I'm babysitting my dog up at college right now.

My parents are moving. Okay. And I'm wondering. Your dog's dog. Just dog sitting. Dog sitting. Yeah. Cool.

His name is Jack. That doesn't matter. It does to me. It does. Hold on. We don't know what matters yet. You haven't finished. Your question could be what do you think of his name?

So I'm wondering if I have like a guy over. Is it okay to engage in intercourse in front of my dog? What? This is a family show. You know what I love about the summer? Can I say? Yeah. I love this.

It's how much you narrowed it down to that one factor. Like it's a binary decision. The dogs there does that change things. It's good. It doesn't sound to me like it does. It's, I feel like we need to know everything about this dog. Yeah. My first question is, can this dog chill or what?

Yeah. He's chill. He's a German shepherd. Cool. He's only four years old. Well, hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Dog years. He's at least 24. Maybe 28. I think right now he's about 32. Oh man. If he doesn't know about this then. He's seen some shit. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. Please Travis. Please Travis. Tell me the age at which it's cool for your dog to watch you fuck. Please tell me that number. Three. That sounds bad.

That sounds so bad. There's not an age where it's like, oh, he's a 27 year old. Then by all means have him watch or have sex. If he's old enough to drive away and go do something else. The dog. Can you explain? That's his fault. Yeah.

Lot of variables. What's the layer? Is it a studio apartment? Because then it's basically. He doesn't have another room to go to if he doesn't feel comfortable. Yeah. I'm going to be in the basement somewhere. Yeah.

He's in the bedroom. Why? Oh, the damn door. Is this a fucking Frank Lloyd Wright house in which there are no walls and doors? Because if so, you have an issue. If not, simple solution. I think he's asleep. This is my new house.

Summer. The issue you're asking is, is it okay if I like the fact that my dog watches me have sex? Yeah. That's the real question. Is there more? Is there more house? Is he a raptor from Jurassic Park and he's figured out how to open doors? Is he smart?

He's too damn smart. He's kind of dumb. Okay. Cool. They put on cartoons in the living room. Let him have a great time. I just don't want to leave him unsupervised. That's fair.

Yeah. Because you're setting such a good example so far. Travis. Love it. Listen. Love making is, or just fucking whatever it is. It's beautiful no matter what. Just some good old natural fucking.

You know what? I say go for it. And then point at him and do this. No. Travis is now pointing at his eyes and pointing, and I'm assuming what is... The dog's eyes. Dog's eyes. Now Travis, that is equally upsetting.

If you're saying, hey dog, I'm watching you, or hey dog, watch this. Yeah. That's it. Well, that is the second one. Come get it. Let me show you how it's done. That's what I was going for. I mean, you know it's done.

I'm sorry, Summer, but thank you so much for coming out. Thank you. All right. Let's see. Let's see. You must have got a slam dunk question. Let's go right side it. You in the glasses.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. I see there that you're holding a poster, or you were holding a poster. It's this poster here. I hope it's our poster. It was made by Emily Carroll, and it's beautiful and amazing, and it's my favorite thing ever.

And it's affordably priced. It's affordably priced out of the lobby. Hey, what's up? What's going on? Hey, hey. What's your name? My name's Rosh. Hi, Rosh.

What's up? You know. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Are you enjoying the show? You know what's rough? I do know, dude. Yeah.

The show is great. Thank you. Thanks, Rosh. Is it the best show you've ever seen? Shut up. No, shut up. I want to get deep. No, Rosh.

Shut up, please. Are we doing, like, all shows, podcasts? Ooh. Take that. Welcome to Nightville. What's your question, Rosh? All right. So I have an etiquette question.

Okay. We're good at that. So I have this pet peeve when people say, like, excuse me, but you're nowhere near them. You know what happens, like, all the time? People are just like, oh, excuse me. Like, you're standing outside the bathroom, but you're not in the way. And they're like, excuse me. And then they just walk by.

And it's like, why did you say, like, why the fuck did you say, excuse me, too? I'm not even in your way. And I find it insinuating as if I'm, like, you know, just lowering outside. All right. So do I say no? Or do I say yes? No. Rosh, can I tell you right now?

I do that. And the reason is, excuse me, as a placeholder for this, I'm awkward just being around people. Yeah. Because, like, oh, I didn't think a human would be here. Excuse me. And all you have to say is, I get it. Yeah. There's a, I think when this happens, those people are using, excuse me, in the Japanese

style, because the Japanese sumimasen could be used for literally anything. Excuse me. I'm sorry. Good morning. Happy birthday. Welcome home. Excuse me. I haven't heard that.

I'm sorry. It's a, it's a, it's a power word. And I think that might just be how I. It's a power word? Yeah. Like a Fremen power word? Like a Tovaking shout. Should I say it back then to assert dominance?

Excuse me. No, no. No, no. No, no. Excuse me. You are excused. Um, I don't know. Is this the thing?

Am I crazy? No, it definitely happens. No. Hold on. Two aren't usually excused of Rosh. It is a thing. I don't know if you're crazy. We just met.

Fair enough. Maybe just say excuse me longer than they did and louder. Just say excuse me right back. No. Excuse me. Yeah. What have you just said? Okay.

Okay. Excuse me. Okay. Silence. No. Rosh. Silence. Let it hang there.

Let them take the next step. What's their follow up play? Please. You know, what else they got in the tank? Excuse me. I beg of you. Please. I need this.

Please, please. I can't die until you excuse me. I've been trapped in this loop for a hundred years. You make my spirit rush. Please. Excuse me. So does that answer your question? Perfect.

Thank you. Thank you. God, if we could help. You. Yeah. Hey, what's up? I'm going to regret this. Oh, cool.

Yay. What a start. Sounds like we might also. It's not a proposal. What's your name? Casey. Hi, Casey. Hi, Casey.

Casey, you know the rule, right? No bummers. Yeah. It's like on the mic. It is. Yeah. And that's going to fit your question. This is, yes.

It's happened a couple of times. Okay. I've classically conditioned myself to have to go to the bathroom at certain locations. Nice. For example, I was hired to do a job and I had the stomach flu. Oh boy. Every day for six months since then I had to go to the bathroom when I entered because I smelled it and I had to go to the bathroom.

What? That's why human bodies work? It happened at Target and it happened at the library at my university. How can I not do this now? Okay, wait. Let me understand this. Your sense memory. I told you I would work at this.

Your sense memory of Target is so powerful that when you walk into Target, your body must shit. Number two. You see that, you see that commercial with the weird old lady in the Jack Russell terrier and you're like, well, excuse me. I'm afraid I must, excuse me. I must wait for the loo. I told you I would regret this.

You see people shooting arrows at Target and you're like, pardon me for a moment if you will. If that works, I'll let you in. And you said Target work the library. Sorry. Is that an Isaac Mizrahi? Excuse me for a moment if you might. I will be back in exactly 37 seconds.

How can I not? I've had a lot of problems. You said you were conditioned. No, I'm sorry. It's going to be one of those questions. You said you were conditioned. Were you given up? It seems like classic conditioning.

Were you given a candy every time you left the bat? Good job, Casey. I don't know. Open your mouth. Open your mouth. Yes. Did you treat yourself to an icy at the Target Cafe? It was probably popcorn and a hot dog.

Let's be real. Wait, you say a hug or hot dog? Hot dog. Okay, much different than what I thought was happening. Good job. Popcorn and a hot dog. Casey, there's only one way. Eventually, just once go to Target and not shoot a dude.

Here's what you do. Shoot a dude at Target and then punish yourself. You start to associate it as a negative. You shoot a dude and then go like, bad Casey. Can I just shoot yourself with a spray bottle? I want to stop the world real quick because take a shit at a Target and then punish yourself is definitely the craziest advice we've ever given anyone. 100.

This is what, like 268, something like that? You broke the world. Definitely. We are the mother of dragons. Go shit at a Target and then hurt yourself is 100% the craziest thing anyone's ever told anyone to do. I'm going to need to trade you advice for a poster. 51 shades of gray.

Go shit at that Target. I hurt yourself. I hurt yourself. What are you doing? Are you going to be there? No. Just change yourself to a wall as soon as you walk in Target. I can't be trusted.

You take this key, no matter how much I beg. No, I'll beg you to please let me shit in your toes. But no matter what I say, I'm going to be a wild animal and I'm going to try to trick you with manipulation. You can't listen to me. Just please don't let me use the bathroom I have to make. Oh, by the way, you have to leave here overnight. Could you put Harry Potter on all the screens or something?

The whole series, please. I can't just have two hours of entertainment. Are you doing okay? And please get four. There you are. I told you I would regret this. We've been going hog up here. Casey, just tell me we helped.

You totally did. Oh, good. Thank you. Thank you, Casey. Let's get one more. Casey, your question made me lightheaded. It was so good. Where have you been?

You big one. I've already picked one. Okay. Justin, you big one. I already picked one. All right. Let's go back on the left. You shaking your hand the most vigorously.

Nope. To the right. To the right. To the right. And back to the right. And back. You're not going to stand up. It's the guy standing up in.

Yeah. Yeah. No. No. It's yeah. It's got to be. Well, the shape of the back makes their way down. We'll do your speed around.

Keep coming. Keep coming. Yeah. We can knock yours out in 10 seconds. Yeah. This is going to be an easy one. I feel it. Just blast through it.

And go. What's your name? Oh, hey, how's it going guys? Hey, hurry Noah. Oh, sorry man. He's coming. There comes the wind to go. This comes for all of us.

Just wait. Just wait. Yeah. Just slow. Walk super slow. Noah hit me. So last year my wife and I had our first child. Nice.

Okay. This doesn't feel like it's going to be a breezy one. No, it's going to take forever. Okay. And I love her to pieces. She's smart. She's cute. She's great.

The child. Cool. Yes. The child. My wife also. But yes, my child. My first one is like my absolute favorite. Sure.

And I'll never love anybody more than her. Yeah. So is it worth it to like one and done, we get a score, hold one or go for the second and see if we can. Hey, future Noah, you're listening to this episode with your kids who are now seven and five. Maybe turn it off 30 seconds ago. Yeah, Noah, you, if you were wondering whether or not you can have a second kid, you have

just sealed that deal for yourself. And the answer is no, you can't because we will put this on the internet and they will hear it. And the internet is forever. The internet is forever, we hope. Will you love that all their kid? Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure you will.

Listen, I'm no scientist, but yeah. Probably. The chances of you going, you're not as good as whatever first babies name it. Hopefully you know what it is, but you're not going to do that. Maybe in your dark times, maybe in your quiet times, but you're not going to do it actively all the time. Just go for it. Yeah, dude, go for it.

Have that baby. That is the second time at a live show we have created a human being. Yeah. By giving somebody permission to have a child. Hey, what is up? Am I good? Because that guy's question was for real. That was real.

Well, how good is your question? I love my two kids so, so much. I hate the third. But the fourth is okay, but fuck the fifth. But the sixth one though. Anyway, what's up? What's your name? My name is Sam.

Hi, Sam. What's up, Sam? My question cannot possibly compare. Yeah, great. Probably. Mine is probably one of the more Seattle questions. Cool beans. You've come to the right place.

Hello, Seattle. Yeah. Scrambled eggs. All over my face. So, recently, I have moved into a home where I am living with my brother-in-law. Nice. And this guy has the hook up to some dang kush. Nice.

Oh, cool, cool, cool. You have definitely come to the right place. Now that is marijuana. Right. Yeah. So, here's the thing. I'm a man of loyalty. Cool.

Okay. For four or five years or so, I've been going to the same guy. What's his name? We're good, we're good here. What's his name? What is his name? Let's just call him, let's just call him Wee Josh. Okay.

I'm a cup. That's all I needed. Best. Best sweet name ever. Go ahead. We got him. Kicking Wee Josh's door. Kicking Wee Josh's door.

And what would you say are your greatest strengths, Wee Josh? Low prices. Yeah. You're hired. So what's the... I like how comfortable you're getting with that microphone, Sam. I'm making myself a home. You're making love to it.

Nice. I'm Steven Tyler. Yeah. I have too much access to weed. I'm going to John Cena dive off this stage and tackle. I can't imagine what a cross that is to bear. Get the John Cena music ready, because we might need it. But what's your question for real, though?

So I guess for real, it's like, how do I let Wee Josh know? Like, I don't need his dank. I don't need to drive 50 miles to get it. Wait, that's a big factor. That fool's 50 miles from you? I'm loyal. Five-zero? I played baseball with this guy.

We grew up together. He gets me the deals, but... But you have to try to fucking Olympia to get your... Sam, is your worry that Wee Josh will see you smoking and go, but I haven't seen him in three... Hey. Hey. That's not my purple strain of sticky.

I thought we were buds. Wee Josh is very clever. Wee Josh sounds awesome. Wee Josh is on his shit. Let me ask you a question. Is Wee Josh like a real friend? You know, we've been around. No, he's not okay.

He's not gonna be like one of my, like, groomsmen or something. Not with that attitude. How did you meet Joshua? Well, I'm... You know how high I am right now. It's because of that. He did that for me. Yeah, it was him.

I... Okay. Earlier in the show, we totally needed a shit in the target and beat herself. Now, keeping that in mind, you saying that someone who sells drugs is gonna have a hard time finding other people to buy drugs is the craziest thing I've ever heard on this show. To be fair. What am I gonna do with all these?

But I got all these extra drugs lying around. They're just gonna spoil. They're gonna go rotten. Had to throw them out. Am I too nice? Yeah, bro. You're gonna smoke that much weed? Like, what's going on?

Is it the dankness or is it the distance that's really throwing out? Wait a minute. What if this is a nibbless version? I fix this for you. Smoke twice as much weed. Oh, her. Sold it. Thank you, Sam.

Yeah, we crushed it. Let's... Hey, listen. Seattle, you've been super-duper nice to us. Thank you so much. Yeah, this has been a fucking good show. Thank you very much. Yeah.

I'm not scared. Can I also just say... I'm not... I'm not scared anymore. People at the back and like the very back of the top of the balcony, I think I love you most of all. We want to say a huge thanks to the Moore Theater. It's been super nice to be here.

Yeah, super, super cool. Peter's amazing. Definitely, definitely haunted. Definitely good seafood, and it was delicious. Thank you to Billions, which is our booking company. They put this together for us. Our guy Josh is here. He drove all the way well.

We literally would not be here if it weren't for Josh. We wouldn't be a lot of places. Thank you to Ear Trumpet Labs that made our Josephine model microphone down there. The No Boomer special. Thank you so much. Big thanks to Sawbones for getting things started real right. Do you got... I don't know that we've ever mentioned it before,

but John Roderick does our theme song. Too true, Travis, too true. And we really appreciate him and the Long Winter. We've got posters by Emily Carroll. They're special for this tour. They're gorgeous. They're at the lobby. They're 10 bucks.

This is one that's really pretty. And her signature is actually in the smoke. Yeah. It's a detail you may have missed. It's really cool. That's our season. We're a member of the Maximum Fun Podcast Network, without whom none of this would ever have happened to us.

So we're super thankful to them. Maximumfun.org is the place to find the best podcasts in the world. And finally, I want to say a big thank you, and you may not have seen this coming to you. You've been so nice to us. I think that's it. Thank you to everybody who came out to the Pacific Northwest shows. Is Vancouver Pacific Northwest?

It's not. They call it Pacific Southwest. Do they really? They do. We want to say thanks again to Nature Box, where you can order hundreds of great-tasting healthy snacks. You can go to naturebox.com slash my brother to sign up for a free sampler box of great-tasting healthy snacks.

We also want to say thank you to Ear Trumpet Labs. Oh, yeah. They provided some really amazing microphones for the tour, including a beautiful... We talked about it in the show, but a beautiful audience mic that is emblazoned with the words, no bummers. So we really, really appreciate it when we wanted to say thank you.

Yeah, thank y'all. I think that's it. Let's throw it back to us to wrap shit up. Next week will probably be a regular episode, I imagine. We'll save the Vancouver show for when we're traveling to LA, I guess. So we'll talk to y'all soon. I think Griffin has one more yahoo that we're going to think about the answer next week.

Yeah, let me hit you with this shit. What do you got for us today? It was sent by Level 9000. Yadru drew it down before. Did you drew it down before? It's by Yadru, answers user Delta. Who has a zero percent score? No best answers.

He's trying his best. He's new. He only started June 15th. I got this. No hits so far, Delta. Delta. Going a little long talking about Delta. Delta asks,

I like space and dinosaurs. My name's Justin McElroy. I'm Travis McElroy. I'm Griffin McElroy. Welcome to my brother and brother, me kitchen, damn square on the left. I like space and dinosaurs.