My Brother, My Brother And Me - MBMBaM 270: The Juice Will Flow

Episode Date: September 23, 2015

Wake us up when September ends, y'all. We've gone done overbooked ourselves a bit, leading to the careful crafting of this dog-tired episode. It gets a bit bleak at times, but just keep on chewing. We'll get through this thing together! Suggested talking points: Teddy Bear Secrets, Vickypedia, Mr. Limpet, Trivial Loan Shark, Homemade Pokemon Gym, Coffee Quitters, Laser Ghosts

The McElroy brothers are not experts, and their advice should never be followed. Travis insists he's a sexpert, but if there's a degree on his wall, I haven't seen it. Also, this show isn't for kids, which I mentioned only so the babies out there will know how cool they are for listening. What's up, you cool baby? Welcome, my brother. My brother meaning fight show for the modern era. My name is Justin McElroy. I'm your oldest brother. My voice sounds like this today. My name is Travis McElroy. You're a middleist, brother. And I'm Griffin. Guys, what the fuck even is going on anymore?

It was a rough weekend. There was much ribaldry to be had. There was a lot, as they say, going on. There was a lot of folks. Turn my ceiling fan off. I forgot to turn that off, and there's a little bit of sound in the studio. It's going to be a rough one. I think that this one's going to be a rough gym. No, I think there's going to be some true diamonds to polish. This one's going to be a jagged little pill. This one's going to be... This is the diamond in the rough. We have located the diamond in the rough for you.

Now, the impetus is on you to detect its demonosity. Count the carrots. Observe the purity. You must constantly recut it and recut it as it grows smaller and smaller, and yet you grow more and more unsatisfied with its perfection. Recut it with the diamond cutting tool of apology and also making excuses in your mind for our comedy and learn to appreciate this diamond in the rough. Because that's what growing up is. You're on a roll now. Congratulations. Here's a certificate. Life is just a series of shittier and shittier diamonds. No, that's not what I'm saying. That's awful.

I didn't get it. I didn't get the metaphor that you were crafting. I'm just saying this is an episode that only the true fans will appreciate. I think all of our last six to seven episodes have been for true fans only. I feel like maybe we're becoming a little bit insular. I felt like our last six to seven episodes were for true blood fans only. Well, that's because we talked a lot about true blood, Travis. A lot about true blood. A lot about true blood. It was exclusionary.

Guys, this podcast is killing me. Let's drill down. I can't keep the pace, the breakneck pace at which we are traveling and doing shit and doing other shit. It's like- The Rockstar lifestyle of the- I remember reading about this in David Lee Ross biography when he talked about how rough podcasting was on him. This episode, can we finally just cut the shit? Let's cut the bullshit.

Can we cut the bullshit and just talk to each other about how tired we are? We got a lot of irons in the fire and it's our fucking fault. We left those irons there like, I'll get it later. But now it's like, hey, you got until Monday to get all those fucking irons out. It's like, oh, but they're so hot and I left my iron gloves. We're being evicted from our blacksmith room. Yeah. I mean, whatever. I mean, fuck it, whatever, this is our book of the privilege hour.

I love it. But like, I'm so fucking beat, dawg. I mean, it was a big ass weekend. Here's the thing though, I think a lot of the mistakes that true entertainers, the real tears of a clown types, the make is they go on stage and they try to do a great show and it's just not in them. And then people say they've lost it and it's like, well, that's hurtful. So what we're saying is we've lost it.

Yeah. But we'll get it back. We just want you to be invested in the journey with us. We're not going to lie to you and say, hey, this is like, you know what, best show, but maybe it might be. We make it up every week, every week. A man falls in a hole. You know what I mean?

Yeah. And guys, guy walks by and he's like, you're in a hole. Or the two other miners fall in the hole with him. And then there's and then they find a TV down there and they just started like hanging out for a while while they hide from their jobs. And it's pretty cool. This is our reboot of roundhouse. It's called Ground Hole.

And it's a kids club, a subterranean kids club. Hey, that was pretty good. It's turning around already. I got home last night from the west coast. I woke up at 5 30 a.m. west coast time. Then I went to sleep at 1 a.m. this time. And then my baby woke up at 5 30 a.m. this time. Then I went back to sleep.

I am doing jet lag. The worst anyone has done it. I found a secret new jet lag inside jet lag. Justin somehow set his internal clock to like Korea. I woke up and I saw the leprechauns like dart back under like there's no way he's awake right now. Now you know where all your shoes come from. Now you know where you're all you know that socks have gone. They've been on it's impossible.

But like I woke up and my stuffed animals were still like singing and talking and interacting with each other right now. No, Justin it's impossible. There's no way you're awake right now. What the fuck dude? We're gonna get to forget about the teddy bear picnic. How could you witness the teddy bear picnic? There's no way you're awake.

But like come to think of it. I don't know when you would be asleep either. You're pretty fucked up right now. You didn't see the shit before the teddy bear picnic, right? Because that's when it was wrong. You just saw I'll be honest. The teddy bear picnic is kind of a cool down. Teddy bear picnic is like a chill out too.

And that's the day the teddy bears had their fuck fest. You didn't see our eyes wide shut. Oh my gosh, did you? Do you remember when I just yelled saying, and that's the day the teddy bears had their fuck fest because that is the exact time that my mailman decided to drop off my mail right outside my office. We got a complicated relationship me and this dude. Let's do some questions though.

He's a good man. Get that mail to you rain or sign or he'll post someone yelling about teddy bear fuck fest. Sleet or snow or horrifying imagery. The mailman just keeps chucking on. Look out on your lawn and see if he's just like seated out there with his head in his hands. He's calling his wife. No, this is my last day. You know what?

I can't do this anymore. I'm out of the game. Let me check real quick. Yeah, he's baiting. Oh. Your mailman's dirty. He's a very little postal boy. I travel for work a lot usually with one particularly clingy and incompetent colleague.

I thought I was going to sing this whole question. I got five words in and bailed. I need a fair amount of alone time in order to function. And also I find her to be extremely annoying company. She's just the opposite and expects to eat every meal together a few times. I've gotten away from her for dinner. But the next day she complains about loneliness. How can I get more meals alone without alienating my colleague?

That's from desperately seeking solitude. Fuck that sucks. Damn, that's a hard question to start with. Might try and make a proposal. I propose that what you need to do is upon one of these forced dinners, you need to invent another friend who's very clingy. And say, oh, yes, I have this clingy friend, Susan, and she doesn't seem to understand that I need some alone time.

You know what I mean? To function. She's great and all don't get me wrong. I like Susan, but sometimes you just need some time to like resend to yourself and really think about now this may or may not solve the problem. Maybe your clingy work colleague gets the hint and goes like, oh, okay, I'm getting now that this is a break. But what it does provide you is in the future, if this person is clingy again,

you're able to say like, you know, like I said, I just need a little alone time. And you've already like in the past brought up the subject makes it easier to bring up a second time. What if, but what if you're like, what if like your friend's like, she sounds fun? What's her number? Give it to me. I'm going to hit her up. You can't.

Sorry, Justin. Let me just step in here. You can't do an impression of any woman. That sounds like that. You cannot do your body of the car to your Kathy. Yeah, that's you just did a Kathy, my dude. I mean, there's like, I love all people. Yeah.

I give due respect to everyone regardless of didn't just like literally anything at this point. There are still cafes in the world, Griffin. That the earth still don't contain cafes. I would give them the emotional right of way that I give to all peoples. They still exist and have voices. But I'm saying I am giving voices to the cafes. Why should you silence them? I'm not silent.

But he who is without cafes throws the first stone. Historically, that is your voice. You do have a bad person on the Justin McRoy voiceometer scale. It's when you do a good person. He sounds like you, but when you do a bad person, it sounds like Kathy. I'm just saying you have a confirmation, a Kathy confirmation bias. You're saying that I've got kind of a Jekyll and Hyde Justin and Kathy situation. You do, you do, you do.

That is my favorite morning show, by the way. Yeah, Dr. Jekyll and Kathy. Listen, listen, can you do anything to like sort of sell the merits of loneliness, chillout times? Maybe get her on geocaching. Well, I don't spend my lonely times geocaching. Although I should fill those hours with a little treasure hunts for spoons and whatnot, coupons. I have wondered my entire life who the fuck would eat at community tables at restaurants. I think I have just cracked the case.

It's you. You have to find restaurants that have shared tables, family style dining. And then you are muting the blows. She can talk to other people there at the table. You know what I'm saying? So you're refracting the attention. So strangers, strangers sitting at community tables at restaurants are just friends whose dinners you haven't ruined yet.

With Kathy. With your fucking nonstop horseshit chatter. They're trying to enjoy their steak frites. Can I tell you guys what I actually do about the scenario in my real life? Back when I used to be in a lot of different work environments, I would often have these situations. Sometimes it was in a car traveling to news events with a person I found particularly distasteful or unpleasant to be around,

but was not a malicious sort of person that did not deserve my scorn. What I would do is I would find a subject that this is, I don't know if this is terrible or genius. You guys got to help me. I would find a subject that I had some passing interest in that the person was an expert about. Like I would talk to them until I found something that they knew a lot about and then just decide that I was going to absorb all of their knowledge about this specific topic. I like that.

So maybe they grew up in Wisconsin, for example. And I was like, I don't know fucking shit about Wisconsin. Tell me about the tales. I'm going to learn fucking everything you know about Wisconsin. I'm going to put my little sucker under your medulla oblongata and absorb all of your knowledge. I want to know Wisconsin in the biblical sense. And that's all we're going to talk about any time we're together.

You're the big fat worm from Starship Troopers. Exactly. Here's Jack right into the brain matrix. Justin, I love this because it's mutually beneficial. You get to learn about a subject that you're interested in. You get a little bit better and they get to like feel like they're, you know, having the interaction with you. This is great.

But then you say, but then you say, I, you're all used up, Jerry. Sorry, I see that. Keep going. No, you don't got nothing. You're all used up, Jerry. And then you eat his head. Sorry, Vicki. I don't have anything else to learn from you.

I'm closing this Wikipedia page and I'm going to learn from somebody else. What about this? Make plans with them for like a specific, like we'll have dinner together. Right. And then the other 23 hours of the day are yours. Oh, that's a good idea, Travis. Like you could say, well, listen, I got some errands that I run, but I'll see you at nine for our dinner and McDonald's.

Right. So that way they get to feel like they get the interaction with you. They don't get to complain about loneliness, but it's not this weird amorphous hanging out. Could last forever. Yeah. Do you guys want to y'all? Yeah, man.

Yeah, that like fixed it. Thank you. Here comes the y'all. Between those two advices, I think there's some good advice there. Here comes the fresh one. Flip it. Fresh new bottle one. Flip it off to the dome.

It's from Zoe Kinski climbing that ladder. Thank you, Zoe. It's by Yahoo Answers. User Archie who asks. I think I swap bodies with my goldfish at night. Help. I think I swap bodies with my goldfish at night. Help.

When I go to sleep, I keep seeing flashes of an image of blurred water. Eventually, when I go to sleep, all I can see is the inside of my goldfish's goldfish bowl. And when I swam to the end of the bowl, I can see my body flapping around. I think I swap bodies with my goldfish. Wait. This happens most nights. Your body was flapping around. So the goldfish was in your body, freaking the fuck out.

Yeah, you would fucking hate. It's bad for you because you're a goldfish. Imagine how bad it is for your sweet goldfish, though. The goldfish is getting the short end of the stick. Like, up till now, the only world this fish has known has been a purely water-based one. But wait. What if you look over through the watery water of the tank and you see your goldfish? A goldfish is touching your wife.

No. Goldfish touching my wife? I know. You mustn't. And it's emptying your bank account. While touching your wife. While touching your wife. Your goldfish is ambidextrous.

One hand on your wife. One hand on the keyboard of your computer. How's that goldfish not a type? I don't know. He was watched you do it, probably. How long has this been going on? What if you look over and your goldfish is in your cat and your cat is in your body and you're in the goldfish?

Yeah. Everybody just jumped one to the left. I like that. But then your wife jumped into your dog and then, oh man, this is getting crazy. Justin, you there? Yeah, I'm here. What happened? Just listening.

Just doing some fan art? Doing some fan art with this classic bit. No, I thought that maybe there was an incredible Mr. Limpit goof in here somewhere. Fuck, dude. I could hear the gears turning, but then they didn't turn. Well, I kept waiting for the moment and then there wasn't one. So I went to the Wikipedia page for the incredible Mr. Limpit to find something clunky. I knew there was some sort of ghostwriter web surfing going on.

I knew that we got you in a genuine web surf sequence, and I'm glad that we got to the bottom of it. Can we talk about Mr. Limpit for a second? The equivalent of podcast juicing is what you've discussed. Like, you've caught me with a bag. Juicing made you fucking worse at a thing. No, it's like you knocked me over and distracted you from baseball. You knocked me over in the locker room and a bag of a little ziplock baggie of wikipedia's fell. No, you were actually next in the order.

You were up to bat, but you weren't fucking there because you were too busy buying the juice. It was, I was next to bat and you couldn't find me. And then you looked into the crowd and saw me wandering up and down the aisle. I was like, does he have some steroids? Yeah. Hey, does he have some steroids before my quick up at bat? Um, but you're here now, and we're back together again, and ooh, reunited, and it feels so good. There's something funny about this situation, Justin.

Talk about Mr. Limpit. Did you know in the film, Incredible Mr. Limpit, he falls in the water and is changed inexplicably into a fish? I love that writing. By the way, I was always my favorite thing about that movie. It happens. Nobody questions it. There's no justification.

Happens. Now the crazier thing though, is that he falls in love with a fish. Like how quickly he abandons his humanity. Oh, that's okay. So those two, those two explain each other, right? He falls in the water and he's a fish. And for a split second, he's like, ah, no, my life. I gotta leave behind.

But then he's also like, but I can finally fuck a fish. I'm gonna fuck that fish. And now he loves fish. And you know, and you know. Brown working his way down with that his whole life secretly. Yeah. Can I just say, I remember watching that movie when I was like 10 years old and like no joke, the thing that occurred to me when he turned into a fish was,

oh, he's dead. Like he died. This is like his heaven. His heaven is like being a fish. And this movie is about a man who fell in the water and drowned. Yeah. And this is all like, as the blood drains from his brain, this is like his fleeting images of like perfection as he drown because he becomes

a fish and helps fight a war worse, worse, worse than that Travis. He falls in the water as he's drowning. He sees a fish, swaps bodies with it, traps that fish in the prison, in the husk of his dying human form. That fish that swaps into his body is probably like, fuck yeah, it's human time. Wait, we're dead. Oh no, body stealer. Oh, he's like a, he's a jumper.

He's a, he's a switcher. He's one of those switchers. One of those fish switchers I read about in biology class. So there was nothing in there, huh? Yeah, it's kind of a, but you know what? The one thing that I will say is that it, it was, it's like five minutes closer. To not, to be like, there's five more minutes of audio on the recording. No, they definitely heard a say shift for five minutes.

That is undeniable. Well, it'll probably be a tight three and a half. Let's shoot. Oh, and there's a sneeze. Yeah. That was a second and a half deposited in the time bank. We have to keep sneezing. It's like the burping in Willy Wonka.

Like we just, if we just keep sneezing, we'll get to the end of the podcast. I'm working on it. Oh my God, guys. I have to sneeze. So hot up in this office and I'm going to have to have an awkward conversation with my mailman tomorrow. I have to sign for a lot of packages. So it's not like I can just hide.

It's going to be like- You might have thought you heard me say teddy bear fuckfest, but what I really said was, it was, I said county fair fuckfest. Shit, no way. How about another question? Just so I need you to dial back in, I need you to hit the internet eject button, my boy. Three weeks ago, I went with a group of friends to Miami to celebrate a birthday with a surprise trip.

Bullshit ensued. So the birthday boy and his GF were left without a room for the weekend. The GF asked me to front the money and said she was expecting a large sum of money in a few days and would pay me within five days. I charged that $350 to my credit card expecting a property payment. So far, this sounds like a email for someone asking us to refund- Absolutely it does. A purchase that we did not contribute to in any way, shape, or form.

It sounds like you're about to hit us up for cash. But let's- Anywho got 350. How do I ask for that money without asking for it? This is not a good question. Like there's that app now, VIMMO, where you can just send them a little e-message. It's like beep boop beep beep 350 please, pay up. You owe me.

I'll cut you. Can you send them a PayPal invoice? That's exactly- Like yes, you can do that too. You have so many options. You have so many technical options. Send them a singing telegram. Well no, because that's going to cost money.

Although you do have to spend money to make money, as Jay-Z said. V-side-V singing telegrams. That's how you got to start. Not a lot of people know that. Yeah. Would you be able to cut down on the initial expense by becoming a singing telegram person yourself? I don't think it would be effective if you got- If you like did the singing telegram asking for money, but I'm assuming there's an employee discount

that you could get somebody else and find out who was like the best one. Because you would be intimately familiar with the organization to get a cheaper singing telegram to ask for the money. So you're saying we solve this from the inside? Yeah, you go inside. You go deep. But that's company, that's theft. That's theft from the company.

It's embezzlement? I think it's embezzlement. If you use up the singing telegrams for your own gains, I think that's embezzlement. Yeah, for sure. No, you would still pay, but you'd pay the employee rate, and it would be cheaper for you to hire a singing telegram. Or maybe they would do it as you would go to them and they'd be like, listen, every singing telegram person gets one for free as a professional courtesy through the union

and the long history that we all share together as a career, because it's the oldest profession. And they say, this is your one favor. Are you sure you want to spend it on this? But then it's like, God, I don't know. What do you do next time you're trapped under a boulder and you need to get a message to the outside? Yeah, sure.

And you can't rub that little medallion that they gave you when you got hired. Valomogulis, sing for me. This a man will sing one time to one name that you tell him to sing to. Do you want to use that to get the $350? Because I get it. I do. Times are tight. A fucking blind crow flies up to you and it's like,

Happy birthday, Susan. All right, bye. How many minutes was those? Listen, I have to eat. I'm sorry. I have to use the restroom. That's fine. We're going to keep on, keep this goof train rolling.

Keep going. Is there an answer to this? No, we should wait for Justice to get back from the bathroom. You know how uncomfortable it gets when it's just the two of us. God knows. It's just that we have nothing in common. How's the wife? That's not true.

You remember breakfast at Denny's? I think I remember. And I said, what about breakfast at Denny's? He said, I got diarrhea for three years. I said, that sounds like that might have killed you. And you said, that's right. Because now I'm a ghost. That's a good song.

Yeah, all right. That one could stay in. For this episode, I'm going to be less like an editor and more like a bouncer. Like, all right, all right, you're cool. Sorry, man. We got too many sneezes in here. You got to wait outside. What's that?

A song parody of breakfast at Tiffany's? What is it? Breakfast at Denny's? Diarrhea jokes? Yeah, man. Bring in who? You can come in. Bring your three friends back.

Hey. Yeah. All right. Let's get back into it. Justin, we did a good bit about breakfast at, I sang breakfast at Denny's. Like it was breakfast at Tiffany's. It was fucked pretty great. That sounds funny.

Yeah, it's good you missed it. You can listen to it later. Oh, did we finish that last one? I don't know. I was in the bathroom. We did not. But I can right now. You have to ask and it sucks and it's the worst.

No, you don't. I'm saying you have Venmo now. I don't have Venmo, by the way. So I like friends send me money for like meals and stuff. Like I buy for the group and it's like, Jeff has sent you 10 bucks. You want it? And I say, no, Venmo, you're not going to get your fucking hands on me. And no, Griffin, but what I'm saying is all of the all of that obfuscation,

all of that avoidance behavior of like, I'm going to gently ask if you want it, right? And you want there to be no, no confusion. Like you just had to say like, oh, by the way, when you get a second hit, I'm going to need that $350 back. I need to pay my credit. Who is the juicer? That's what you do.

You sneak up behind her and just sort of whisper in her ear. The juices are running. The juice it is. The juice that will flow. What did you say? What did you just? What did you say? I knew juice anything.

I knew juice, uh, will flow. Who, who, what happened? I literally like, I literally, I understand you're like asking for something, but I don't understand. The juice is running. You have very nice kneecaps. I would hate to juice is running. Drop.

You know how people put hits out on people like the, oh, the money, right? The juice, as we've mentioned previously, the juice is running. There should be, and then like, if you, you know, it's a real nice place you got here to be real, same as something that happened. I'm melting. And you like knock a painting off the wall. Like, oh, we actually tap and it'd be real straight.

And then you get like more threatening. So you get up like the Nancy Kerrigan level of like, it's a real nice ice you got here. Be ashamed if you fell on it. And then like, that's, that's, that's terrible. But there needs to be something like that for more sort of like manageable amounts of trivial thing. Like what I want to realize friendship, it'd be a shame if like, he stopped taking you to movies. I want somebody to run up to this girlfriend and throw a pie in her face and just whisper

like the juice is running. The juice will flow or there's a maceration. There will always be more pies. Real nice pies I have at home. It'd be a shame if something happened to them. It'd be a shame if they got a face at them. It'd be a shame to get some faces in these nice pies. Because nobody wants to eat face-wise.

My husband is the banker, the dude. My brother, my brother and me has brought it to you in part by Squarespace, the all-in-one website, platform, Squarespace sites look professionally designed, regardless of your skin level, with no coding required, you can get a free trial today with no credit card. At Squarespace.com, use the call for code mybrother all one word and you can get 10% off your first purchase. I made a website called it's at sheetsshow.com with the Zs, sheets with the Z, show.com. I made it with Squarespace.

It's a fucking, you could probably do even better than that maybe with Squarespace. I just had a brilliant idea for Squarespace tie-in. We need to create a website called thejuice.com. Basically, when you loan someone money, you log into thejuice.com and it starts a reminder chain until you turn it off, that you still owe that person $350 and it starts just like after 72 hours, you get an update. And then pretty soon, it's like every hour. And every missive is read by Gary Sinise.

Yep. And he gets a very threatening presence. Yeah, but he gets more and more threatening as the juice. Threatening, but seemingly like, you know, like logical. Yeah, when it starts out. Not like a crazy person. Not like he's going to be like, I'm going to kill you no matter what, but like very reasonable as long as the juice continues to flow.

Yeah, it starts out as your friend. Listen, the juice is fine, but I know you're good for it, so just bring it whenever you can. Maybe it's Gary Sinise and William H. Macy, a little like good cop, bad cop. Oh man, which one's which, though? Well, they take turns. Yeah, let's finish the commercial. Squarespace, build it beautiful. Dury, the African.

Yeah, you did. Yeah, you're pretty sure. I think everyone remembers that it's my brother, all one word. You get 10% off your first purchase. Okay, all right, that's fine. I also want to mention that my brother and my brother are supported in part by Casper, an online retailer of premium, obsessively engineered mattresses, which you can get for a fraction of the price.

It doesn't say a fraction of the price of what, but I'm going to guess other mattresses. But there's probably a lot of things that is a fraction of the price of. A full home. A Bugatti. A Bugatti, I need the juice so I can buy a Bugatti. I don't know what that is. I love it, though. I love it, too.

It's like a mole man gangster. It's like he swallows certain consonants, but they change. Anyway, Casper has a risk-free trial and return policy. You can try sleeping on a Casper for 100 days. That's six and a half months with free delivery and painless returns. These are mattresses that are made in America so that you know that they're full of liberty. And my brother and my brother and me listeners can get $50

towards any mattress purchase. You just go to casper.com slash my brother and use the promo code, my brother. That's all one word at the checkout. Terms and conditions do apply on that particular transaction. I sleep on a Casper mattress. I love it very, very much. It replaced my old mattress and I've never looked back.

They're fine products. You are going to be pleased with these, I guarantee. We have another message. Let me tell you about wild speculation. Wild speculation is a comedy podcast hosted by Henry and Brandon. Two childhood friends turned 20-something Portlanders who explore a vast world of hypotheticals ranging from which superhero would make the best lover to what will the next big health fad be,

to which American president would win in a 44-man cage match. It's a lively romp through time, space, sarcasm, and what would happen if Liam Neeson had to fight a wolf in all of his movies. I'm pretty sure that already happens. But anyways, go to wildspeculationpodcast.com and you can check out the sampler, bit.ly forward slash wild speculation. Or find wild speculation on iTunes or Stitcher and subscribe. There's lots of ways to listen to it.

You should go check it out. All right, listen. I gotta, I gotta mess with you. Listen, listen. Wait, listen. You ahead because you probably, yours is probably more pressing. It's very pressing. There are a lot of subplots of the movie Love Actually.

I don't think anybody would notice if we added one more. Maybe after Liam Neeson sees off his son, who's falling in love with the girl who sings the song at the end of the movie. Spoiler alert for Love Actually. He had to fight a fucking wolf. I, I've never seen it, but Griffin, is it about all the storylines tying together? Yeah.

Yes. And the wolf, wait, wait a minute. Stop the podcast. You've never seen Love Actually? That's correct. I'm, I'm waiting for the right moment. That's it. You're waiting for it.

I wanted to be perfect. You're waiting for the Lupine director's cut. Yep. I just want a wolf fight to be going on in the back. I'm proud scene. I'm proud of you. In the future. I'm proud of you, son.

Ah, fuck. Not again. I have to go fight a wolf now. And then you just see the wolf fight in the back of a different scene. And it's just like, oh, it all ties together. That was the wolf from before. But then he doesn't kill the wolf. He just beats the shit out of it.

And the wolf limps off and Mr. Bean from that movie finds him. Because Mr. Bean doesn't get like a romantic resolution in that film. He falls in love with the wolf. They have fucking crazy looking wolf children. We just read an ad for a podcast that at the end of the ad described what I assume is perhaps a signature bit for this program. Yeah, we love that shit. And then we were like, oh, sounds funny.

We'll take that. Let's see if we can steal from these people, too. That's fair. We got a special message from Michelle D. From Kevin H. Dear Shell, Belle, I want to wish you happy birthday and your first as my wife. I love you and the time we spend together with all my heart.

Make fun of that. Yeah, I don't think we can. What if they had to fight a wolf? Kevin, Michelle, your union and love is a constant sense of disappointment and optimism. I think there should be another storyline in love, actually. That's your guys. You know what?

We should just keep George Lucas-ing people into love, actually. It's not George Lucas-ing. It's like there's so many fucking subplots in that movie. Let's keep adding stuff in. And I think we can add one in that's like those books that your parents would buy you as a kid. It's like, this is a story about Gregory, the space boy. You know what I mean?

I do. You know what would be fucking like the most lucrative business ever is if you told people that you would make them, like for an anniversary or wedding gift or what have you, a custom version of love, actually, with their storyline intercut in between the different storylines. What would you pay for love, actually? To have Armie Hammer play you in a movie today.

Fuck. Well, I don't think you're going to stage the scenes with Hollywood A-listers. Well, then how else would you do it, Justin? You would have like everybody's got iPhones. You've probably got a whole dramatic arc on your iPhone that we could cobble together. That's fair.

What if you, but then you do that and then you get too deep in the art and you're like, listen, listen, these scenes aren't working. I'm sorry, Kevin and Michelle. I'm cutting you back out of the movie. I'm putting you back on the cutting room floor. I'm too deep into my new director's cut of love, actually. I can't believe you didn't see love, actually. This holiday season, Travis, get ready to set sail

to the island of joy and love as we watch love, actually, together as a family. OK. We're Dave and Graham and we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. We started this podcast back in 2008 before podcasts had to have any kind of concept, so we don't really know how to describe it. It's kind of like going to the barber shop

if your barber knew all about the first season of the show, Elf. It's like a 90 minute massage where the masseuse is two people talking to each other with a third person. It's like the monsters of metal tour, only quieter, no music, and just talking. It's like a make out session, but without the lips touching, they just talk a lot. Download Stop Podcasting Yourself from iTunes

or MaximumFun.org. That's about a yahoo. OK. We've only done two actual questions. Yeah. This yahoo is... That is how this usually goes. This yahoo is sent by Drew Davenport,

and I'm going to be honest with you guys, this one's mostly for me, and it's more of just sort of a jumping off point for a discussion I've been meaning to have with the two of you. This yahoo was asked by an anonymous user who asks, Well, there be any gyms when Pokemon Go comes out. What is Pokemon Go? Is there any talk of official gyms being opened?

How weird would it be if my hubby and I started a gym? We have an idea of handing out little badges if someone can beat us and our actual gym junkie friends. Scary looking personal trainers who are secret mega nerds. Good idea, bad idea. Is there going to be an official gym? Pokemon Go, Travis, is an upcoming mobile game that is location based where you collect Pokemon on your phone.

That sounds interesting. My question is this, can I turn my house into a Pokemon gym and then children would come to me to try and best me? Of course, they don't stand a fucking chance, but it's good to have aspirations. The key here Griffin, you need to have like 15 friends. All standing facing different directions within your home. That's a good, yeah.

When they walk through, they get engaged in a fight with your 50 friends first. I'll need to make paths out of like garbage cans or something. Correct. To sort of force them to sort of. Or maybe some like trees growing up through the floor. I'm basically, well, they might have to cut through. Yeah, we're basically talking about a kid maze in my house.

Yes, you have to build a kid labyrinth, a kid dungeon in your home that they have to fight a bunch of adults to fight a big adult. Yeah. To get a bath. Griffin's just sitting at the end, juggling fushiging two glass balls and super tight pants, just waiting for his kid delivery. Well, they'd be the best as his minions.

They would be Pokeballs and also it's not a kid delivery. There's no guarantee that a kid that comes into the beginning of my crucible makes it to the end of it, undefeated. In fact, I'm going to pack. I'm going to stack this gym with fucking pros. It's going to be brutal. It's going to be a torture chamber. What's the theme?

What's the theme? Are you like, is it a bug theme? Is it? Yeah, Travis. Yeah, Travis. I'm going to open up a bug type Pokemon gym. You idiot. Yeah, that's what I want because I want to give up.

I want to I want to shit out badges for every ham and egg or that comes to my front door. Yeah, that's right, Travis. Go, Caterpie. That's made you fucking imbecile. Yeah, go. Do your best, Kokuna. What are you fucking talking? Yeah, a bug type gym.

All right, I'm going to go. I have embarrassed myself. Maybe fire. Fire type. Can you do fire based? Yeah, probably just that's a good idea. Just and I'll probably just do a fire type one. So that one kid with one Blastoise can fuck up my whole shop.

Killed all of us with one Blastoise. Oh, wow, shit. I should have just do rock. Then just do rock type. The same Blastoise would fuck my rocks. What sense does that make? By the way, why is rock weak against water? Are they talking about erosion?

Or does that happens over thousands of years? Yeah, it's a long grift. No doubt. What about a grasp type? Jim, you guys are fucking killing me. Poison type stabbing. Now poison type is not a bad idea. You know, there really is a poison type.

Yes, I do. And that was kind of tough. Nobody can really keep straight what does good. Yeah, I think ground. But that one, I think I might trip up a few kids. That one, I think I might catch a few kids on my web. Just poison some kids. I love that.

I love that we open the show talking about how fucking stupid and awful our schedules are now. And now we also have to account for many nights of the week. Yeah. Griffin will be sitting in like a secluded room in his home waiting for children to beat him a book. Well, no, there's also going to be. I mean, I got to get the fucking things. There's going to be a lot. Well, there's other people there.

There's going to be a lot of me going around gathering. Yeah, I'll have I'll have some sort of secondary book. No one ever talks about that in the Pokemon world until a child shows up to challenge this building full of adults. Yeah. Are all the adults just standing around going, man, I hope somebody shows up. Boy, it'd be great if you get some fucking kids up in here. I am fucking I am bored word. There is literally nothing else in this gym.

That's how they stick their heads out the door like, hey, are there any local kids? Any local kids in the neighborhood want to come over and play Pokemon? That's definitely definitely going to be me, though. Where's Griffin? I we haven't heard from him in a while. Last I heard he was in the Mojave Desert and he was just walking around catching sandshrews. That's going to be me. When that shit drops, I will be a distant memory to the two of you.

This podcast, this podcast will be golden oldies because it will be canceled because they don't get Wi-Fi in the Mojave. I quit coffee a couple of weeks ago and I basically gone through all the withdrawal symptoms and no longer have headaches. However, whenever I smell coffee, I still really want it. And last night I had a dream about drinking coffee. Have any of you ever quit coffee? And if so, are there any tricks you use to convince your brain to stop wanting coffee?

And that's from Laura. And the answer is never in a million bajillion years. I have recently cut back from five cups in the morning to two. Gotta have my cup of mud. Gotta have my Joe. Are you, gotta have my Joe? I basically have a symbiotic relationship with caffeine at this point. I don't think of it as a drug.

I think of it as a partnership. Let me tell you how I feel. This is my feelings towards both coffee and beer. They are the closest things to magical potions that exist in real life. Oh, good. They are the closest thing to like a Zelda, a Legend of Zelda style, drink this red thing, drink this blue thing and feel instantly different that exists in the world. A five-hour energy drink.

It's the fact that you have like one thing that you can definitely control. One thing that you can definitely do and that's make yourself feel a little less sleepy. Only now in my life, I started morning caffeine when I was like sophomore in high school, drinking a Diet Mountain Dew every morning to just get the engine revving. I had a lot of high octane fuel. Yeah, I had a lot of what you could charitableably described as bowel issues. Um, and I, but I've been doing that. I wouldn't know how to, I'm never going to do that.

And it's kind of nice to make your peace with that because then you can stop sweating it, right? Like I'm never going to stop ever. It's not a test. Like there's, there's not somebody when you're a 40 who's going to go still drinking coffee, huh? Yeah. Don't talk to me, don't talk to me until I've had my coffee. Hey guys, I don't exercise.

It makes my coffee spill. Now say something about wine. Hey guys, I don't have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without coffee. So, so, uh, yeah. Okay. So now that we've locked this person in their life decisions. No, it's a bad decision.

Just get, okay. But listen, you're in a rare, let me just tell you, this is probably not what you came to hear. So you can stop listening now. If you're worried about your, your, uh, resolve wavering, we're going to make some goofs. And you can stop listening to him and it's okay. And there's no harm, harm done. You are in the, like a righteous position that I wish I was in where you could drink coffee now and feel it.

You know, I only feel not coffee. Yeah. Like I can't feel coffee. The only feeling I have is not coffee and Justin. Those are the two different settings I have. Okay. I don't have a feeling of like, wow, I'm drinking coffee. Like I can't feel it anymore.

You are in a position to get like a, a, a mild a, a PSL just to really dial into the message we're putting out here right now is we are making this person who has shown that they possess a level of willpower that the three of us couldn't even imagine combined, combined. We are trying to sell them on just how fucking good a relapse is going to feel. Oh my God, it's going to feel so. Do you guys know how like how many things in my life, like how many choices I would need to undo before coffee was the bad guy? Like if I got to a point where coffee was like, well, all I've got left is this coffee.

I would have ascended to like a Buddha like state of transcendence at that point. Like I have infinite like just life cruft that I would need to dust off of myself before I even saw coffee in the emotional wreckage that is my, my current day to day. Like I can't even find coffee right now. I don't even know where I'm not even aware that I'm drinking it because I'm doing so many other terrible things. Number one, doing eight podcasts every day. Yeah.

Like that's taking a pretty hefty toll on my spirit. Um, I'll see. I mean, we could all eat healthier. I was eating, I was eating turkey bacon at breakfast with dad and Justin during LA Pop Fest and they looked at me like I was fucking on fire. What are you? What? It's some really good bacon there though.

It had a rich smoky flavor. I enjoy your turkey bacon. There, I say. I enjoy it too. Not like this. This looked terrible. This was like, this looked like meat by the foot. It was meat by the foot.

It was not. It was not. Yeah. That's six seed of meat for you. Not that. These were pork roll ups is what these were. Yeah. And they were, they weren't even pork though.

They were a nightmare. Gristle tape. They were gristle tape. Do you guys want a yahoo? Sure, yeah. Which ones? Good for you, by the way. I mean, we should have mentioned that earlier.

Yeah, I'm sorry. You're such dicks about it. Like, honestly, I drink an unhealthy amount of coffee and it's going to make my fucking bones disintegrate. It's going to nothing. It's going to rule. It's going to give you a great bowel movement in about 15 minutes.

Yeah. Yeah. Here's a yahoo sent by Zoe Kinski climbing out later. Zoe Kinski, thank you. It's by yahoo answers. She's your Maida B who asks, Do all people who get Lasik eye surgery see ghosts? My, my brother's getting one.

And I am afraid he might see ghosts. Update, Lasik with a K. Sorry, they misspelled Lasik in the title, but then they fucking got it. Update two, they laughed at something somebody said. So. Update two, yes. Yes is the answer.

Do, do, do, now, now, now. Do all people who get Lasik eye surgery see ghosts? What percentage? What is the, what's the spread? What's the vagus odds on whether or not this Lasik will give us ghost vision? This sounds to me like this person heard of the movie, The Eye, but did not trouble themselves to go see it in theaters

or on DVD or Blu-ray. And so, I feel like the question should be worded does getting Lasik. Yeah, do any. Has there ever been a single time in recorded history that the movie, The Eye, happened in real life, except that that's not what happened in The Eye. And the eye wasn't like.

There's not a fear like, can I do just this once, can I get Lasik and not see a fucking ghost for once? For once, please. I'm so tired. What if you only see it in one eye? What if you get Lasik and just odds like one eye sees ghosts and one eye does not? So.

That would be sweet because you would be able to walk around with an eye patch and people would be like, what's up with that? And you're like, don't get me started. But you would have horrible death perception and keep walking into ghosts. You'd have horrible death perception, but you'd have great death perception.

That's a good one. I'm tired. I'm going to lie down. Send it into humor and uniform. Humor and uniform? I don't think it would fit in. No, because it wasn't. No, but it was the only magazine I could think of

that might take to Playboy? I don't know. That's not a big joke. While humor and uniform isn't a magazine, it would be a segment in Reader's Digest. I think what you're looking for is Justin's Save the Darnest Things. Yeah, it's the section of Reader's Digest

that you would send that to. I have a bit of a lazy eye in my partially blind eye. Is that because there's a fucking ghost in there? Just sort of not going to- Maybe you just saw too many ghosts that burned it out. That's possible. Do you remember any ghost? Grim and close your eyes.

Sorry, it got real. Did you see a ghost inside your eyelid? Yeah. It just, shh, still let him find me. He's in there. What if in order to, like, when you close your eyes, you saw ghosts and there was just one ghost that lived in your eyes when you closed your eyes?

Can you imagine trying to go to sleep? Jesus, Justin. Justin, you just wrote a Yahoo Answers class. You just wrote a fucking heroin trip. What if there were ghosts in your heart to sleep? What if you were ghosting your eyes? Read these two sentence ghost stories and you won't sleep tonight.

Is the laser that they use in LASIK eye surgery just concentrated ghosts? Is that all? It's powered by ghosts. Open it up. It's a ghost prison in there. Is that all that lasers are? Because that would make the Star Wars movies

pretty fucking spooky, if you ask me. Is the laser from LASIK just a proton pack that they shrunk down? And it was usually, or originally used to capture ghosts, but instead, like, summons them. Wouldn't that be a horrible revelation from Ghostbusters that the technology they use to trap ghosts is powered by, like, ground-up ghosts?

Oh, that's sick. That's sick. That's fucking sick. That's fucking disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself, Egon. That's my memaw that you're blasting out there. You ground up my memaw to turn her into a laser beam. You used my memaw to catch my people, you dick.

Hold up. Wait a minute. When I die, if I could get the option to be ground up and turn into a laser beam, that is absolutely what I would want to be. Are you kidding me? It would be sweet, yeah. Maybe they didn't figure out a way to use,

to power their weapons with ground-up ghosts. Maybe they found a way to power themselves with ground-up ghosts, by which I mean, they accidentally ate a ghost once, and just, like, got the fever. And even before the Ghostbusters stuff. A Pac-Man fever? Because he eats ghosts.

Pac-Man fever. Yes, yes. Count it. Griffin say the darkest things. Page 34 of the New Readers Digest, check it out. What if they eat ghosts? Like, what if that's what, like, when you, if you were to sneak up on the Ghostbusters

during off hours, you would see them sitting down to a big plate of ghosts. That's horrible. I hate that. I hate it too. But the good news is, we've done an hour. Yeah! We've made it.

Folks, listen. Fuck me. I hope this episode is okay. Folks, it's like, it's like not a joke. We have completely overbooked ourselves for the month of September, not just with podcast stuff, but with, like, a bunch of live stuff too. But thank you for, thank you for sticking with us.

You've all been really cool. I know it sucks when we put up episodes late and they're delayed and stuff. Like, we, we don't enjoy doing it either, but you guys have been pretty chill about it and really understanding. I promise we'll get back to it. We'll get back to it.

It's, things are gonna calm down. Have we even talked about the Tsuchiru episode that's coming up in October, what, 5th? Monday, that Monday? Worst case. Yeah, that week. For that week, as a MaxFun special event, all of the shows on the MaxFun Network are switching shows.

So, the Adventure Zone is swapping with the Flop House. We're, we're doing each other's shows that week. That'll be real fun. And my brother, my brother and me is switching with Jordan, Jesse Goh. And, and are you ready for this? The three hosts of my brother, my brother and me that week, Dave Holmes, Kamra, Esposito, and Jesse Thorne.

So we're fucked, basically, because we're gonna come back and people will be like, where did the, where the fuck? Where did the confident, beautiful, hilarious people go? Yeah, what happened? Now, and I'm back with these three goblins. But anyway, that's gonna be real fun. You can hear us that week over on Jordan, Jesse Goh,

and then here. What are you guys, what, Sawbones is swapping with, with, uh, Oh, no, Ross and Kerry. Oh, no, Ross and Kerry. Bunker Buddies, who are y'all? Bunker Buddies is doing baby geniuses. That'll be fun. And then, uh, what, what, and baby geniuses is doing lady to lady.

Oh, so a little triangle swap there. Yeah. That'll be fun. Anyway, it's gonna be a fun week. That's October 5th is the, when, I think the, when the Mabin Bams going up. Uh, so yeah, um, it's gonna be a crazy game of poker. It's gonna be a crazy game of poker,

but then things are gonna calm down. Like we, we, we've never done as many live shows as we've done this year. We've done like a pretty ridiculous amount of live shows this year for us, not for, you know, um, like normal, like normal. When we plan on doing those live shows, we all, we said, you know, at the beginning of this year, like, guys, we have to get out there and do more shows and get on the road. What we didn't really consider is like,

we use those same human bodies to, to do the podcast every week, right? So we can't, we're not like, we didn't do clones. We can't like, uh, uh, you know, partition that off. Like we have to use these same bodies to do all of them. Yeah. That's right, Justin. So if someone could invent surrogates. That'd be so dope.

Anyway, thank you. On a completely non-complaining about how- I'm not, I'm not complaining about how successful we are. I'm saying like, I know it's been like weird, not weird. I'm just taking ownership to the fact that we'd like that it's hard. There's like a lot of it, like we're trying to keep a lot of plates spinning. And there's just three of us and we're doing our fucking best. And we're sorry, we're so appreciative to you for, for continuing to listen and

hang in there with us and be so like cool, enthusiastic about everything. Cause it's like, it's all fun stuff. I just never want like, you know, the, you, the Mbim Bambinos, the originals, the listeners, like you guys are always going to be our number one fan. I would like to give you guys a reward for sticking with us and for being so cool. And it is this, our buddy, Emmanuel Miranda, they're streaming Hamilton, the musical. You can listen to the entire cast recording right now. I'm going to, if you just, I'm actually just basically,

just Google it, just Google like Hamilton live stream and you can like listen. It's good. You know, I've been bumping that shit all day, but what I will say is, if you haven't seen the show, I'll actually tell you not to do it, not to, not to even go see it and enjoy it in person. And then you have earned the right to enjoy it with your ear holes because you missed a lot. There's a lot of good choreography. You should also, you should stream it and buy it.

You should buy it on iTunes. Buy it, but don't listen to it. Buy it, but save it for yourself. But if you do listen to it, there's a secret, my brother, my brother and me goof in there. Yeah. That's pretty wonderful. Arguably one and a half. Yes.

The judges are still out. The judges are still out. There's definitely one that you will definitely get. We also want to thank everybody who came out to watch LA podcast and everybody who. Y'all, it was a fun, it was exhausting, but it was a fun fucking week and week. Just basically it was us doing shows and fucking kicking it with Tim and Guy from worst idea of all time, who are the coolest dudes. It was great.

And we know that there were some issues with the live stream and we're sorry. We had no control. We had literally no, it was just frustrating for us being up on stage, seeing people on Twitter talk about how they couldn't get access to this thing. They had bought a ticket for it and played in an event around it. I know it sucks and we're. It will still be up on the archives, though, even though it didn't work on the weekend. So you still do get a chance to see it, even though it's not live.

I think for the audio for that one and for Adventure Zone, we're just going to put up as a donor bonus instead of just putting it up in the regular feed. So if you're a Maxfun donor, that'll just pop up eventually once we get the audio from it. It's weird. Like there are certain restrictions, what we can do with it because it wasn't like our thing as part of the festival. So I think that might be what we have to do with it. Yes, but we'll figure out something, but just bear with us.

Check out all the other amazing Maxfun shows. As we said, coming up in two weeks is going to be the switcheroo episode. So you may want to start kind of preparing yourself. Check out all the other shows that you haven't checked out yet. Why haven't you checked them out yet? They're all very good. And thanks to John Roderick and the Long Winters for your theme song instead of partshow of the album, Putting the Days to Bed.

It's a great album. Oh, I have one more thing. Oh, yeah. We did a My Brother, My Brother, Me Fantasy Football League. It's me and 11 other really awesome people. And I started a podcast to update. If that's something you might be interested in. If you want to hear Travis talk about his fantasy football teams in a league you're not a part of.

If that's the thing that you might be interested in, it's the My Brother, My Brother, Me Fantasy Football League. It's on iTunes now. I don't know. We do like Tuesday and Wednesday episodes. I don't know. Maybe check that out if you want to. It's not.

You say we. It's you. It's just, it's just you. Yeah, it's me. It's me. So like, I don't know if you want to. The show should just be called My Brother. Well, I tried to get you on it Griffin,

but you have informed me you do not care. Yeah, I don't give a fuck, dog. You don't give a fuck because I beat your ass. All right. Well, this episode is going to come to an end now. Thanks to Matt Gifford, who's sending this Yahoo. Thank you, Matt. It's by Yahoo Answers User.

Sorry, something has gone wrong. I'm going to call him Broccoli Bill. Broccoli Bill asks, When did the phrase get jiggy with it become extinct? My name's Justin McAuley. I'm Travis McAuley. I'm Broccoli Bill. This has been My Brother, My Brother, Me.

Dad's square on the lips. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. Welcome to Oh No, Ross and Carrie. Ross. Hi, Carrie.

What do you think is creepier? Okay. You jump into a swimming pool. All of a sudden, the water goes away and instead of water, there is the bones of your dead ancestors or our show. That's pretty tough because we visited a live exorcism. We joined the Ordo-Templey Orientus, where we had to worship a naked lady.

Oh, and we joined that Tony Alamo cult. They were scary. Super creepy. We joined the Aethery Society. We tried penis enlargement, or at least I did. Oh boy, I tried breast enlargement. We have basically done every creepy weird fringe thing, except for thousands more,

which we will get to if you listen to our show. I'd still say the swimming pool of my ancestors bones. Well, and I don't even know if people should listen. I guess they shouldn't. But if you want to, we're at Maximumfun, and the show's called Oh No, Ross and Carrie.